1 00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:03,176 How ya doin'? 2 00:00:03,176 --> 00:00:05,135 Back where I grew up, ya had three career options - 3 00:00:05,135 --> 00:00:06,745 cop, priest, or gangster. 4 00:00:06,745 --> 00:00:09,443 My old man was a wiseguy, so that's what I was. 5 00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:11,706 Who doesn't wanna grow up to be their Pop? 6 00:00:11,706 --> 00:00:13,926 Unless he's a priest. Then ya got bigger problems. 7 00:00:13,926 --> 00:00:16,276 ...Or a cop, in which case, [bleep] you. 8 00:00:19,540 --> 00:00:24,415 [Intermittent thumping sound] 9 00:00:24,415 --> 00:00:26,243 What the hell's that? I hit somethin'? 10 00:00:27,331 --> 00:00:30,334 [Thumping sound] 11 00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:33,250 [Thumping sound] 12 00:00:35,208 --> 00:00:37,471 Jimmy! What are ya doin' back here? 13 00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:40,170 Impersonatin' a spare tire. What's it look like? 14 00:00:40,170 --> 00:00:42,389 I want to learn the family business from Pop. 15 00:00:42,389 --> 00:00:43,825 You're too young for this, kid. 16 00:00:43,825 --> 00:00:45,262 Go hitch a ride home. 17 00:00:45,262 --> 00:00:47,307 At his age? Are you nuts? 18 00:00:47,307 --> 00:00:48,874 That ain't safe! 19 00:00:48,874 --> 00:00:50,397 Here, take this with ya. 20 00:00:50,397 --> 00:00:52,356 JIMMY: I wanted Pop to let me stay. 21 00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:53,792 But he was bein' such a prick! 22 00:00:53,792 --> 00:00:56,490 I mean, it's not like I was some kinda moron or anything. 23 00:00:57,578 --> 00:00:58,710 [Groan] 24 00:00:58,710 --> 00:01:00,886 Oh my God! I'm so sorry! 25 00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:02,496 Don't worry about it. 26 00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,455 We're out here to whack Paulie anyway. 27 00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:06,065 Ya made your bones, kid. 28 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,461 You murdered a man, 29 00:01:10,461 --> 00:01:12,637 then bonded with your father over it? 30 00:01:12,637 --> 00:01:14,291 Technically, it was manslaughter. 31 00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:16,423 And I'm just sayin' it was a nice moment. 32 00:01:16,423 --> 00:01:18,121 Not for Paulie, it wasn't. 33 00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:20,297 Gut shots take forever to kill ya. 34 00:01:20,297 --> 00:01:22,081 Bastard lingered for days. 35 00:01:22,081 --> 00:01:23,604 Don't listen to em, Pop. 36 00:01:23,604 --> 00:01:25,258 I think bondin' over some jagoff 37 00:01:25,258 --> 00:01:27,782 with more holes in 'em than Swiss cheese would be great. 38 00:01:27,782 --> 00:01:29,132 Let's start with Cheech! 39 00:01:30,785 --> 00:01:33,397 This kid... [Laugh] What a card. 40 00:01:33,397 --> 00:01:35,790 But if ya think people up here in Mother Canada 41 00:01:35,790 --> 00:01:37,183 don't got any daddy issues, 42 00:01:37,183 --> 00:01:38,619 fugget about it! 43 00:01:39,794 --> 00:01:41,709 ♪ Let me tell you something 44 00:01:41,709 --> 00:01:43,929 ♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪ 45 00:01:43,929 --> 00:01:46,453 ♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪ 46 00:01:46,453 --> 00:01:48,890 ♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪ 47 00:01:48,890 --> 00:01:50,544 ♪ he take the boss 48 00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:52,807 ♪ he threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪ 49 00:01:52,807 --> 00:01:55,636 ♪ Wasn't much longer 'til the mob want him dead ♪ 50 00:01:55,636 --> 00:01:58,987 ♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪ 51 00:01:58,987 --> 00:02:01,990 ♪ The Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪ 52 00:02:01,990 --> 00:02:04,558 ♪ so he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪ 53 00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:07,387 ♪ Fugget about it! ♪ Fugget about it! 54 00:02:07,387 --> 00:02:10,085 ♪ Fugget about it! Oh, fugget about it! ♪ 55 00:02:13,828 --> 00:02:15,874 I hope takin' me to the antique fair 56 00:02:15,874 --> 00:02:17,876 wasn't too traumatic for you fellas. 57 00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:20,008 At first I wanted to blow my brains out, 58 00:02:20,008 --> 00:02:21,967 but then I got numb from boredom. 59 00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:23,316 Now that I been antiquin', 60 00:02:23,316 --> 00:02:25,797 it's okay for me to admit that I like show tunes, right? 61 00:02:25,797 --> 00:02:27,451 'Cause I love show tunes! 62 00:02:27,451 --> 00:02:29,714 ♪ Lookit that animal runnin' right beside us ♪ 63 00:02:29,714 --> 00:02:31,672 ♪ Runnin' really, really fast! ♪ 64 00:02:31,672 --> 00:02:32,891 What show is that from? 65 00:02:32,891 --> 00:02:34,240 It ain't. Look. 66 00:02:36,024 --> 00:02:37,983 Oh! I got 400 horsepowers here, 67 00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:39,767 and she's keepin' up with me! 68 00:02:39,767 --> 00:02:42,335 Yeah, but the horses in the engine are teeny-tiny. 69 00:02:42,335 --> 00:02:44,207 For Chrissake, slow down, Jimmy! 70 00:02:44,207 --> 00:02:45,120 What for? 71 00:02:46,209 --> 00:02:47,558 [Crash] 72 00:02:47,558 --> 00:02:48,907 Oh, that. 73 00:02:52,737 --> 00:02:55,305 This wouldn'a [grunt] happened 74 00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:58,177 if Cheech bungeed it to the roof like I said! 75 00:02:58,177 --> 00:03:00,223 If I knew what "bungee" meant, I'da done it. 76 00:03:00,223 --> 00:03:01,963 But I don't, so I didn't. 77 00:03:01,963 --> 00:03:04,096 We're gonna get rich racin' this horse we bought! 78 00:03:04,096 --> 00:03:05,924 I wanna name it in honour of Cookie. 79 00:03:05,924 --> 00:03:07,447 Really? 80 00:03:07,447 --> 00:03:10,624 Yep, I'm callin' this filly "Cookie's [Bleep]in' Wardrobe" 81 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:13,497 'cause that's all we heard about on the ride home! 82 00:03:13,497 --> 00:03:16,064 That's sweet, Jimmy, but are you sure it's a filly? 83 00:03:16,064 --> 00:03:18,328 I checked. Right up to my elbow! 84 00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:21,679 Sorry I missed antiquing in Moosejaw, Cookie... 85 00:03:21,679 --> 00:03:23,898 Sweet Canadian Pickers! 86 00:03:23,898 --> 00:03:25,291 What a lovely wardrobe! 87 00:03:25,291 --> 00:03:26,945 And who's this? 88 00:03:26,945 --> 00:03:29,121 [Horses neigh] 89 00:03:29,121 --> 00:03:31,776 This is Cookie's [bleep]in' Wardrobe. 90 00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:33,386 Yes, I realize it's Cookie's, Jimmy, 91 00:03:33,386 --> 00:03:34,953 but what of this horse? 92 00:03:34,953 --> 00:03:37,303 It's Cookie's [bleep]in' Wardrobe. 93 00:03:37,303 --> 00:03:39,392 We've established who owns the wardrobe. 94 00:03:39,392 --> 00:03:41,568 No need for - Oh, I see! 95 00:03:41,568 --> 00:03:43,962 Her name is Cookie's flah-frah Wardrobe. 96 00:03:43,962 --> 00:03:45,572 That's terrible! 97 00:03:45,572 --> 00:03:47,095 Beats callin' her "Horse." 98 00:03:47,095 --> 00:03:49,097 Is that so? 99 00:03:49,097 --> 00:03:51,361 I'll have you know that I and Horse, 100 00:03:51,361 --> 00:03:53,450 both happen to think that "Horse" 101 00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,626 is a perfectly utilitarian moniker. 102 00:03:55,626 --> 00:03:57,367 Ya can't name somethin' what it is. 103 00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:58,846 That's stupid. 104 00:03:58,846 --> 00:04:00,848 What am I gonna do, go inside and say hello 105 00:04:00,848 --> 00:04:02,676 to my two girls, "Daughter" and "Antichrist?" 106 00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:05,418 Hey look, it's my son, "Massive Disappointment!" 107 00:04:05,418 --> 00:04:06,985 PETEY: Hey! 108 00:04:06,985 --> 00:04:09,161 It looks as good as new - 109 00:04:09,161 --> 00:04:10,728 which means ya screwed up! 110 00:04:10,728 --> 00:04:12,164 It's supposed to look old, 111 00:04:12,164 --> 00:04:13,774 like an antique. 112 00:04:13,774 --> 00:04:15,776 Hey, nice cupboard, Ma! 113 00:04:15,776 --> 00:04:17,387 It's not a cupboard, ignoramus. 114 00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:19,040 It's an armoire. 115 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:20,912 Don't talk to my daughter that way! 116 00:04:25,525 --> 00:04:27,179 Oh my God! 117 00:04:27,179 --> 00:04:28,963 Do you realize what you just did? 118 00:04:28,963 --> 00:04:30,574 I gave him a dirty look. 119 00:04:30,574 --> 00:04:32,402 That was no mere dirty look. 120 00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:34,621 You have... the Malocchio! 121 00:04:34,621 --> 00:04:36,971 But I don't wanna be a real boy! 122 00:04:36,971 --> 00:04:39,844 It's the Sicilian Evil Eye... 123 00:04:39,844 --> 00:04:42,499 The power to curse anyone who crosses you 124 00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:44,501 with medium-to-serious misfortune. 125 00:04:44,501 --> 00:04:46,416 Does this mean I have to do stuff? 126 00:04:46,416 --> 00:04:47,852 I don't wanna do stuff. 127 00:04:47,852 --> 00:04:49,810 It's a gift that runs in our family 128 00:04:49,810 --> 00:04:51,421 but skips a generation. 129 00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:53,814 I always thought Gina'd be the one to get it. 130 00:04:53,814 --> 00:04:55,686 Ha! In your face, Gina! 131 00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:57,818 GINA: I heard that! 132 00:04:57,818 --> 00:05:01,082 Theresa, the Malocchio is nothin' to be trifled with. 133 00:05:01,082 --> 00:05:03,128 You've got a lot to learn, young lady. 134 00:05:03,128 --> 00:05:06,610 I know - Like what the hell "trifled with" means. 135 00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,351 You're both nuts! 136 00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:10,657 There's no such thing as the Malocchio. 137 00:05:10,657 --> 00:05:12,572 It's a silly superstition. 138 00:05:12,572 --> 00:05:16,097 Don't you diss my magic cursin' stinkeye... 139 00:05:16,097 --> 00:05:18,535 Ooooh! I'm real scared! 140 00:05:23,061 --> 00:05:24,062 Ha! 141 00:05:25,237 --> 00:05:28,849 [Scream] 142 00:05:32,113 --> 00:05:34,551 What's the play? Am I throwin' this race or what? 143 00:05:34,551 --> 00:05:36,466 Nah, ya don't gotta throw nothin'. 144 00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:39,294 This animal runs like my bowels on taco night. 145 00:05:39,294 --> 00:05:41,906 Yo Cheech, looks like we're not allowed to race. 146 00:05:41,906 --> 00:05:44,212 Cookie's [bleep]in' Wardrobe is pregnant. 147 00:05:44,212 --> 00:05:46,301 Don't look at me! I pulled out. 148 00:05:46,301 --> 00:05:49,043 Sorry, it's my go-to when I hear someone's with child. 149 00:05:49,043 --> 00:05:50,741 The Dip[bleep] Duo blows it again! 150 00:05:51,872 --> 00:05:53,134 I'll be in the lounge. 151 00:05:53,134 --> 00:05:55,093 Do NOT join me! 152 00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:57,225 I had a lotta money ridin' on this animal. 153 00:05:57,225 --> 00:05:58,662 How'd she get knocked up? 154 00:05:58,662 --> 00:06:00,228 McCool, that's how. 155 00:06:00,228 --> 00:06:02,143 I bet that horse of his did it. 156 00:06:02,143 --> 00:06:03,710 Can't say I blame her. 157 00:06:03,710 --> 00:06:05,538 Horse is hung like a McCool! 158 00:06:05,538 --> 00:06:07,671 Jimmy, we gotta get what's comin' to us, 159 00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:10,456 and we'll do it like our Sicilian ancestors did... 160 00:06:10,456 --> 00:06:12,110 in paternity court! 161 00:06:14,634 --> 00:06:17,158 Jimmy, this is preposterous![Neigh] 162 00:06:17,158 --> 00:06:18,595 Relax, McCool. 163 00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:20,510 We're suin' the RCMP, not you personally. 164 00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:21,902 Yes, you are! 165 00:06:21,902 --> 00:06:23,469 The department says I'm responsible 166 00:06:23,469 --> 00:06:24,905 for Horse's actions. 167 00:06:24,905 --> 00:06:26,385 Geez, that changes things. 168 00:06:26,385 --> 00:06:28,126 Ya saved me a trip downtown. 169 00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:29,519 Thanks. 170 00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:31,216 I want the truth! 171 00:06:32,304 --> 00:06:33,871 [Neigh] 172 00:06:33,871 --> 00:06:35,568 Read back that testimony. 173 00:06:35,568 --> 00:06:38,049 "I want the truth." "Neiiigh." 174 00:06:39,180 --> 00:06:40,704 "I really shouldn't. 175 00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:42,445 I have a race comin' up." 176 00:06:42,445 --> 00:06:44,403 "Oh c'mon, baby. You know I love ya." 177 00:06:44,403 --> 00:06:47,319 "Oh, okay, but use a condom." 178 00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,190 "I thought you were on the pill!" 179 00:06:49,190 --> 00:06:51,671 "I am, but it don't protect ya from the clap." 180 00:06:51,671 --> 00:06:53,543 "Hey, I'm clean! 181 00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:55,806 I just got out of a long-term relationship." 182 00:06:55,806 --> 00:06:57,938 "Sounds like someone likes to commit!" 183 00:06:57,938 --> 00:06:59,244 Get on with it! 184 00:07:00,375 --> 00:07:02,160 [Cheech grunting] 185 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,118 I gotta prove you're actually knocked up. 186 00:07:04,118 --> 00:07:05,685 Eh, think about runnin' water. 187 00:07:05,685 --> 00:07:07,208 I object! 188 00:07:07,208 --> 00:07:08,645 Overruled! 189 00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:13,171 Sorry. I thought about runnin' water. 190 00:07:13,171 --> 00:07:15,347 [Chuckle] Anyway, I rest my case. 191 00:07:15,347 --> 00:07:17,218 Oy ye,oy ye! 192 00:07:17,218 --> 00:07:19,090 Court is now in session. 193 00:07:19,090 --> 00:07:20,657 What the hell is this? 194 00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:22,789 The judge is here. We can start for real. 195 00:07:22,789 --> 00:07:24,704 But I got a surprise witness! 196 00:07:24,704 --> 00:07:27,751 [Girly voice] "He did the same thing to me!" 197 00:07:30,101 --> 00:07:31,581 Where'd ya get that? 198 00:07:31,581 --> 00:07:33,104 Bettin' on the ponies. 199 00:07:33,104 --> 00:07:35,410 Yeah, well, how 'bout givin' your big sister a cut? 200 00:07:35,410 --> 00:07:36,890 No way! 201 00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,936 The hobos who laid the bets for me ain't gettin' a cut. 202 00:07:38,936 --> 00:07:40,111 Why should you? 203 00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:43,941 Oh, you better think twice before ya mess with me, 204 00:07:43,941 --> 00:07:45,769 ya gypsy wannabe. 205 00:07:45,769 --> 00:07:47,335 YOU think twice. 206 00:07:47,335 --> 00:07:48,859 I mochaccinoed the lunch lady 207 00:07:48,859 --> 00:07:51,209 and she fell into a giant pot of soup. 208 00:07:51,209 --> 00:07:53,254 She get burned?Nah, it was cafeteria soup. 209 00:07:53,254 --> 00:07:54,821 It's lukewarm at best. 210 00:07:54,821 --> 00:07:59,391 But she DID hafta go home and change. 211 00:07:59,391 --> 00:08:01,654 Ya ain't getting [bleep]. Put that in your soup. 212 00:08:02,873 --> 00:08:05,005 Hey, I think the effects of the curse 213 00:08:05,005 --> 00:08:06,790 wear off after a couple of days. 214 00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:08,400 [Strange buzzing] 215 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:09,401 [Yelp] 216 00:08:11,882 --> 00:08:13,187 Phew... 217 00:08:13,187 --> 00:08:14,188 Ach! 218 00:08:16,321 --> 00:08:19,672 Argh! Not agaaaiiiinnn!! 219 00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:23,807 JUDGE: I never expected to see you 220 00:08:23,807 --> 00:08:25,243 in paternity court again, 221 00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:26,853 Agent McCool. 222 00:08:26,853 --> 00:08:27,985 I'm sorry, your honour? 223 00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:29,639 When you were a boy, 224 00:08:29,639 --> 00:08:31,554 your mother was in here suing your father, 225 00:08:31,554 --> 00:08:34,121 Staunch McCool, for alimony. 226 00:08:34,121 --> 00:08:37,124 Alimony that remains unpaid to this day, your honour. 227 00:08:37,124 --> 00:08:38,735 I see. 228 00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:41,172 So we've got Cookie's [bleep]in' Wardrobe 229 00:08:41,172 --> 00:08:43,391 versus... "Horse?" 230 00:08:43,391 --> 00:08:45,437 What's your horse's name?"Horse." 231 00:08:45,437 --> 00:08:47,482 Yes, the horse. 232 00:08:47,482 --> 00:08:49,920 What is its name?"Horse!" 233 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,575 You're trying my patience, Special Agent. 234 00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:54,620 His name is "Horse," your honour. 235 00:08:54,620 --> 00:08:56,404 Well, no wonder he's 236 00:08:56,404 --> 00:08:58,537 impregnating fillies willy nilly. 237 00:08:58,537 --> 00:09:02,323 Give the animal the dignity of a proper name, sir! 238 00:09:02,323 --> 00:09:04,195 It is a proper name! 239 00:09:04,195 --> 00:09:07,285 And that is not the concern of this nosey, nosey court. 240 00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:08,852 Strait McCool, 241 00:09:08,852 --> 00:09:10,810 I find you in contempt! 242 00:09:10,810 --> 00:09:13,857 Furthermore, I find in favor of the plaintiff. 243 00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:17,251 Agent McCool is ordered to pay all damages. 244 00:09:17,251 --> 00:09:18,252 What?! 245 00:09:18,252 --> 00:09:20,864 We won, without even sayin' a word! 246 00:09:20,864 --> 00:09:22,430 Makes ya think, huh? 247 00:09:22,430 --> 00:09:24,084 How different would my life be 248 00:09:24,084 --> 00:09:25,869 if I just kept my mouth shut? 249 00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:28,045 Yo, Toots! Nice cans! 250 00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:32,136 Ma'am, I'm sorry. That was very disrespectful. 251 00:09:32,136 --> 00:09:34,834 What I meant was, nice cans, your honour. 252 00:09:35,879 --> 00:09:37,054 [Sigh] 253 00:09:38,533 --> 00:09:40,144 According to this, 254 00:09:40,144 --> 00:09:42,363 I owe you tens of thousands of dollars! 255 00:09:42,363 --> 00:09:44,322 I'd hate for this to ruin our friendship. 256 00:09:44,322 --> 00:09:45,889 Yeah, that would be terrible. 257 00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,717 Now pay up or I'll break your knees! 258 00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:49,457 How am I supposed to raise that much money 259 00:09:49,457 --> 00:09:50,850 on a civil servant's salary? 260 00:09:50,850 --> 00:09:52,286 Your Pop! 261 00:09:52,286 --> 00:09:54,158 He's out there livin' the high life, 262 00:09:54,158 --> 00:09:55,812 totally crushin' the whole deadbeat dad thing. 263 00:09:58,336 --> 00:09:59,903 Where did you get these? 264 00:09:59,903 --> 00:10:01,731 Oh, I got my ways, McCool. 265 00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:03,036 Petey found them on the internet? 266 00:10:04,081 --> 00:10:05,299 Yes. 267 00:10:05,299 --> 00:10:07,040 He's at the Banff Springs Hotel. 268 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,694 Let's get him. 269 00:10:08,694 --> 00:10:11,001 He pays you, you pay us, everybody's happy - 270 00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:12,393 expect you. 271 00:10:12,393 --> 00:10:14,047 Alright, I'll do it! 272 00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,788 Frankly, I relish the opportunity 273 00:10:15,788 --> 00:10:17,355 to righteously confront 274 00:10:17,355 --> 00:10:19,879 my no-account, deadbeat father. 275 00:10:19,879 --> 00:10:21,881 I can't face him! Don't make me go! 276 00:10:21,881 --> 00:10:24,231 I'm scared, Jimmy! Please! 277 00:10:24,231 --> 00:10:25,929 I just can't do it! 278 00:10:25,929 --> 00:10:28,061 I'll be in our room, stress-eating minibar peanuts! 279 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:31,021 Ya believe this guy? What a baby! 280 00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:32,457 No kiddin'. 281 00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:35,373 Lookit him runnin' off like a yellow-bellied scaredy cat. 282 00:10:35,373 --> 00:10:38,419 [Increasingly- unhinged shrieking] 283 00:10:38,419 --> 00:10:41,292 [Increasingly- unhinged shrieking] 284 00:10:42,423 --> 00:10:46,297 ♪ [Tense horror music] 285 00:10:47,602 --> 00:10:50,344 THERESA: Petey, I need ya to do my homework... 286 00:10:50,344 --> 00:10:52,607 for the rest of high school. 287 00:10:55,001 --> 00:10:56,786 GINA: This is my hidin' spot. 288 00:10:56,786 --> 00:10:58,701 Get out! PETEY: No! 289 00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,528 Someone criticized Theresa at lunch 290 00:11:00,528 --> 00:11:02,052 and she turned the cafeteria 291 00:11:02,052 --> 00:11:03,749 into the prom scene from "Carrie!" 292 00:11:03,749 --> 00:11:05,403 Let's end this. 293 00:11:05,403 --> 00:11:07,013 We'll drive a stake through her heart. 294 00:11:07,013 --> 00:11:08,798 COOKIE: That's for vampires! 295 00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:10,713 Don't ya know anything about the supernatural? 296 00:11:10,713 --> 00:11:12,366 Ugh, if ya went to Catholic school, 297 00:11:12,366 --> 00:11:13,890 you'd know this stuff! 298 00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:15,761 PETEY: You're hiding from Theresa, too? 299 00:11:15,761 --> 00:11:17,632 COOKIE: Sure - she's Malocchio-in' people 300 00:11:17,632 --> 00:11:19,286 left and right like a drunken gunslinger! 301 00:11:19,286 --> 00:11:20,853 But I got a plan. 302 00:11:20,853 --> 00:11:22,725 I'm sick of bein' pushed around 303 00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,422 by that power-crazed little psycho - 304 00:11:24,422 --> 00:11:26,641 Oh hi, baby! 305 00:11:26,641 --> 00:11:28,687 How's my favorite girl? 306 00:11:28,687 --> 00:11:31,168 Hey, sis! Ya look so good- 307 00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:32,996 Aw crap, I can't do this. 308 00:11:32,996 --> 00:11:34,388 Just zap me right now. 309 00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:36,869 [Strange hiss] 310 00:11:40,264 --> 00:11:42,353 This still beats suckin' your bony butt, 311 00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:43,702 I'll tell ya that much. 312 00:11:46,966 --> 00:11:48,576 STAUNCH: Baccarat! 313 00:11:48,576 --> 00:11:50,491 [Grumbling in foreign language] 314 00:11:50,491 --> 00:11:52,102 Gentlemen, welcome! 315 00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:53,494 Join us. 316 00:11:53,494 --> 00:11:54,931 The game's poker, 317 00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:57,368 but these fops think it's Baccarat. 318 00:11:57,368 --> 00:11:59,718 They don't speak English, nor do they understand cards. 319 00:11:59,718 --> 00:12:01,546 It's like taking candy 320 00:12:01,546 --> 00:12:04,244 from several sleazy babies. 321 00:12:04,244 --> 00:12:06,072 Excuse me. Are you Staunch McCool? 322 00:12:06,072 --> 00:12:07,726 The one and only, good sir. 323 00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:10,294 I need to talk to ya about somethin' from your past. 324 00:12:10,294 --> 00:12:11,991 My past, eh? 325 00:12:11,991 --> 00:12:14,298 In that case, I'll pour you a drink. 326 00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:16,213 What's your poison? Cognac? Absinthe? 327 00:12:16,213 --> 00:12:18,432 Lithuanian discount cola! 328 00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:22,610 That discount cola's pretty good! 329 00:12:27,267 --> 00:12:28,573 JIMMY: He's gettin' away! 330 00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:29,879 I got an idea! 331 00:12:31,054 --> 00:12:32,490 Alright, let's get him! 332 00:12:33,534 --> 00:12:38,496 [♪♪♪] 333 00:12:39,976 --> 00:12:41,804 We gotta ditch some weight to go faster. 334 00:12:42,848 --> 00:12:44,545 [Screams] 335 00:12:48,549 --> 00:12:51,422 The air's so thin up here, I can hardly move. 336 00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:52,684 CHEECH: I got this! 337 00:12:52,684 --> 00:12:57,689 [♪♪♪] 338 00:12:57,689 --> 00:12:59,473 [Screams] 339 00:12:59,473 --> 00:13:01,780 Did the Marquis of Catalonia send you 340 00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:03,869 because I slept with his sister? 341 00:13:03,869 --> 00:13:05,088 What? No. 342 00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:07,525 Is this about the gun smuggling to the Congo? 343 00:13:07,525 --> 00:13:08,961 Please! 344 00:13:08,961 --> 00:13:11,834 Do you expect those child soldiers to arm themselves? 345 00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,139 No! 346 00:13:13,139 --> 00:13:15,881 Strait McCool sent me 'cause ya slept with his Mom. 347 00:13:15,881 --> 00:13:18,492 CHEECH: This is the ride of my life! 348 00:13:18,492 --> 00:13:21,713 Coincidentally, that's exactly what I said to Strait's mother. 349 00:13:23,019 --> 00:13:24,759 Alright, kid, 350 00:13:24,759 --> 00:13:26,457 I'm takin' away your allowance, 351 00:13:26,457 --> 00:13:27,893 I'm groundin' ya, 352 00:13:27,893 --> 00:13:29,852 and I shredded your driver's license. 353 00:13:29,852 --> 00:13:31,636 Ma, what the hell are ya doin'? 354 00:13:31,636 --> 00:13:33,159 I'm teachin' Theresa values! 355 00:13:33,159 --> 00:13:34,857 Gimme that stuff back, 356 00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:38,382 or I'm gonna super-triple-Pinocchio ya! 357 00:13:38,382 --> 00:13:41,124 You haven't got the balls! 358 00:13:41,124 --> 00:13:42,473 Ew! 359 00:13:42,473 --> 00:13:44,344 Yeah, no, I don't have balls 360 00:13:44,344 --> 00:13:46,042 but that's got nothin' to do with this! 361 00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:49,262 Ha! 362 00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:51,308 Malocchio-ed by your own Malocchio! 363 00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:53,310 That sounds lame. 364 00:13:53,310 --> 00:13:54,964 Hoist by your own petard! 365 00:13:54,964 --> 00:13:56,487 Not as lame as that. 366 00:13:56,487 --> 00:13:57,880 What's gonna happen to me? 367 00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:59,620 No! 368 00:13:59,620 --> 00:14:01,927 I've gone full-frizz! 369 00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:06,976 Someone wants to meet ya, McCool. 370 00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:09,587 Ask him for the money. 371 00:14:10,893 --> 00:14:13,243 Hello Strait. Been a long time. 372 00:14:13,243 --> 00:14:15,680 How dare you try and shake my hand! 373 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,725 Mother had to take in sewing 374 00:14:17,725 --> 00:14:19,292 and moonlight as a dominatrix 375 00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:20,641 because of your neglect. 376 00:14:20,641 --> 00:14:23,079 And you never came to my birthday parties! 377 00:14:23,079 --> 00:14:25,211 I offered to pay but she refused, 378 00:14:25,211 --> 00:14:26,778 said my money was dirty, 379 00:14:26,778 --> 00:14:28,649 and ill-gotten from card hustling 380 00:14:28,649 --> 00:14:30,390 and shady deals. 381 00:14:30,390 --> 00:14:32,827 Not to mention the counterfeit My Little Pony merchandise! 382 00:14:32,827 --> 00:14:34,481 That's a lie, damn you! 383 00:14:34,481 --> 00:14:36,440 I'm no monster! 384 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,224 Why didn't you answer my letters? 385 00:14:38,224 --> 00:14:39,747 Did your Mother burn them 386 00:14:39,747 --> 00:14:41,184 without showing them to you? 387 00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:42,968 How would I know? 388 00:14:42,968 --> 00:14:44,709 I don't see the resemblance. Do you? 389 00:14:46,754 --> 00:14:48,321 If it's money you want, Strait, 390 00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:51,194 I'll gladly wire it from my bank in Geneva. 391 00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:52,760 But in the meantime, 392 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,806 let's make up for all the lost years 393 00:14:54,806 --> 00:14:56,199 and get to know each other... 394 00:14:56,199 --> 00:14:57,852 Son. 395 00:14:57,852 --> 00:15:01,030 "Wire from Geneva". Oldest line in the book. 396 00:15:01,030 --> 00:15:02,770 As if McCool'd fall for that. 397 00:15:02,770 --> 00:15:04,859 Oh, Papa! 398 00:15:04,859 --> 00:15:06,818 Oh, Strait! 399 00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:08,863 [Sobbing]Oh, Jesus. 400 00:15:10,691 --> 00:15:13,085 Are you nuts invitin' this guy to stay with ya? 401 00:15:13,085 --> 00:15:14,869 He's a con man! 402 00:15:14,869 --> 00:15:18,090 "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". 403 00:15:18,090 --> 00:15:19,396 What is that, The Beatles? 404 00:15:19,396 --> 00:15:20,788 The Bible, Jimmy! 405 00:15:20,788 --> 00:15:22,312 Oh, musta skimmed that part. 406 00:15:22,312 --> 00:15:24,227 Jimmy's right - I been a deadbeat, 407 00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:26,533 and I said all the same things he's sayin' to you. 408 00:15:26,533 --> 00:15:27,665 Just not as fancy. 409 00:15:27,665 --> 00:15:30,407 But he's my father! He'd never lie to me. 410 00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:33,627 Come, Strait, let's do all the things 411 00:15:33,627 --> 00:15:35,325 I missed when you were growing up. 412 00:15:35,325 --> 00:15:37,414 Start with givin' him lotsa money. 413 00:15:37,414 --> 00:15:39,068 Or with changin' his diapers. 414 00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:39,851 I hear that's real nice. 415 00:15:41,722 --> 00:15:44,290 Why are you dressed like a female gym teacher? 416 00:15:44,290 --> 00:15:45,857 I tried washing my clothes. 417 00:15:45,857 --> 00:15:48,164 The washer caught fire and burned 'em. 418 00:15:48,164 --> 00:15:50,775 This stupid curse is the worst. 419 00:15:52,733 --> 00:15:54,431 Are you kiddin' me? 420 00:15:54,431 --> 00:15:55,693 How'd this get in here? 421 00:15:55,693 --> 00:15:58,696 The Malocchio works in mysterious ways. 422 00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:01,612 Help me, Ma! I wanna be rid of this. 423 00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:03,483 Alright, but it's gonna be tough. 424 00:16:03,483 --> 00:16:05,224 First, I need your picture. 425 00:16:05,224 --> 00:16:06,878 Wait, I should do my hair... 426 00:16:06,878 --> 00:16:08,184 [Screams] 427 00:16:09,750 --> 00:16:12,797 [Both laugh] 428 00:16:15,713 --> 00:16:18,498 [♪♪♪] 429 00:16:18,498 --> 00:16:19,891 [Both laugh] 430 00:16:19,891 --> 00:16:22,024 [♪♪♪] 431 00:16:22,024 --> 00:16:23,416 [Both laugh] 432 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:26,376 [♪♪♪] 433 00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:29,509 [Laughs] 434 00:16:29,509 --> 00:16:30,902 Yay! 435 00:16:30,902 --> 00:16:33,078 [Traffic sounds] 436 00:16:33,078 --> 00:16:35,776 [Loud impact] 437 00:16:35,776 --> 00:16:38,779 [Bizarre sound effects] 438 00:16:38,779 --> 00:16:40,085 [Barnyard animal sounds] 439 00:16:40,085 --> 00:16:41,608 [Sobs] 440 00:16:44,089 --> 00:16:45,308 [Laughs] 441 00:16:47,745 --> 00:16:49,573 Alright Staunch, where's the money? 442 00:16:49,573 --> 00:16:51,836 Patience, Jimmy. It's on the way! 443 00:16:51,836 --> 00:16:54,012 Isn't it, Dad?Indeed. 444 00:16:54,012 --> 00:16:56,754 I spoke to my bank manager, Hans, and he assured me-- 445 00:16:56,754 --> 00:16:58,103 Hans? 446 00:16:58,103 --> 00:17:00,192 That name sounds as made up as all your excuses. 447 00:17:00,192 --> 00:17:02,238 So you doubt my word, good sir. 448 00:17:02,238 --> 00:17:05,110 And I use 'good sir' sarcastically. 449 00:17:05,110 --> 00:17:07,286 I'll write Strait a cheque for the full amount. 450 00:17:08,809 --> 00:17:11,421 I bet that ain't worth the paper it's printed on. 451 00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:12,987 Actually it's gold-flake paper. 452 00:17:12,987 --> 00:17:14,337 Very expensive. 453 00:17:14,337 --> 00:17:15,903 Ooh, real nice, Dad. 454 00:17:15,903 --> 00:17:17,688 This is from my Cayman Island account. 455 00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:19,690 It'll take a day or two to clear. 456 00:17:19,690 --> 00:17:21,474 Oh Christ, another dodge! 457 00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:22,823 Jimmy! 458 00:17:22,823 --> 00:17:24,129 Until this check clears, 459 00:17:24,129 --> 00:17:26,000 I don't want to see you, understood? 460 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,480 Unless there's witness protection business, 461 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,830 or if you need anything, or if you just need to chat. 462 00:17:29,830 --> 00:17:31,528 But outside of that! 463 00:17:31,528 --> 00:17:34,618 You are persona non grata while my father is visiting. 464 00:17:34,618 --> 00:17:36,141 Good day, sir. 465 00:17:39,449 --> 00:17:41,494 Okay, I'm ready. What do we do? 466 00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:43,235 Sit, my child. 467 00:17:43,235 --> 00:17:45,281 Here's the thing about The Malocchio. 468 00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:47,457 The curse wears off after a while, 469 00:17:47,457 --> 00:17:50,024 but there's always the danger of being re-cursed. 470 00:17:50,024 --> 00:17:51,809 One could say it's a... 471 00:17:51,809 --> 00:17:53,811 recursive curse. 472 00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:56,118 Or one could shut up and let Mama talk. 473 00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:57,902 Sorry. 474 00:17:57,902 --> 00:18:00,557 Anyway Theresa, I can't take the Evil eye away from ya. 475 00:18:00,557 --> 00:18:02,820 But I can do this. 476 00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:03,951 Gina. 477 00:18:06,432 --> 00:18:09,392 Did you put those pictures online? 478 00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:10,697 Not yet, we didn't. 479 00:18:10,697 --> 00:18:13,439 But if you ever give anyone in this house 480 00:18:13,439 --> 00:18:15,267 the Malocchio again... 481 00:18:15,267 --> 00:18:17,095 Your social life goes ka-blooey. 482 00:18:19,445 --> 00:18:20,751 Uh, uh, uh... 483 00:18:22,013 --> 00:18:25,147 Okay, you win. I'll learn to control it. 484 00:18:25,147 --> 00:18:27,540 For the record, "recursive" means occurring repeatedly, 485 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:30,195 and since we're on the subject of a curse 486 00:18:30,195 --> 00:18:32,241 that can re-occur, 487 00:18:32,241 --> 00:18:34,939 "recursive" is a doubly- amusing wordplay because-- 488 00:18:34,939 --> 00:18:36,941 No one cares, Petey! 489 00:18:39,204 --> 00:18:41,685 Alright, we gotta prove once and for all 490 00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:43,730 that McCool's Pop is a no-good grifter. 491 00:18:43,730 --> 00:18:46,211 And we'll do it by breakin' into his house. 492 00:18:46,211 --> 00:18:48,996 [Grunts] 493 00:18:48,996 --> 00:18:50,998 Actually, let's use the door. 494 00:18:50,998 --> 00:18:52,261 Canucks always leave 'em unlocked. 495 00:18:52,261 --> 00:18:55,438 No Jimmy, it's "breakin' and enterin'," 496 00:18:55,438 --> 00:18:57,527 not "enterin'"... 497 00:18:57,527 --> 00:18:58,571 Stupid. 498 00:19:00,007 --> 00:19:01,922 Elvis Stojko's Quadruple Jump! 499 00:19:01,922 --> 00:19:03,620 What are you two doing? 500 00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:05,143 We got him, McCool! 501 00:19:05,143 --> 00:19:06,797 And we got him red-handed. 502 00:19:06,797 --> 00:19:09,713 I told you my red hands were from eating pistachios! 503 00:19:09,713 --> 00:19:11,105 Looky here. 504 00:19:11,105 --> 00:19:13,673 Credit cards, and not a single one with his name on it. 505 00:19:13,673 --> 00:19:15,284 Passports from different countries, 506 00:19:15,284 --> 00:19:16,850 different aliases. 507 00:19:16,850 --> 00:19:18,374 And a bag of mustaches! 508 00:19:18,374 --> 00:19:20,550 I bet this one ain't even real. 509 00:19:20,550 --> 00:19:22,769 Ow! It's real, you twit! 510 00:19:22,769 --> 00:19:24,162 He's a flim-flam man. 511 00:19:24,162 --> 00:19:27,687 We just can't figure out if he's flimmin' ya or flammin' ya. 512 00:19:27,687 --> 00:19:29,080 I assure you 513 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,865 my intent is neither to flim nor to flam. 514 00:19:31,865 --> 00:19:33,954 Then why do ya got McCool's bankin' information 515 00:19:33,954 --> 00:19:35,217 written down here? 516 00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:37,262 For the money I owe him! 517 00:19:37,262 --> 00:19:40,787 But... I didn't give you that information. 518 00:19:40,787 --> 00:19:43,747 I... found your bank book. I had every intention of-- 519 00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:45,444 Rippin' you off! 520 00:19:45,444 --> 00:19:48,578 Don't listen to them, son. They're idiots! 521 00:19:48,578 --> 00:19:50,841 They couldn't find tar to tar and feather me, 522 00:19:50,841 --> 00:19:52,669 so they used maple syrup. 523 00:19:52,669 --> 00:19:54,801 Jimmy kept drinking it! 524 00:19:54,801 --> 00:19:57,630 Then Cheech tried to get feathers out of a foam pillow. 525 00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,719 For an hour! 526 00:19:59,719 --> 00:20:02,809 Strait, I'm not a good man. 527 00:20:02,809 --> 00:20:05,899 In fact if I didn't escape from Morocco when I did, 528 00:20:05,899 --> 00:20:07,988 I wouldn't still be a man at all... 529 00:20:07,988 --> 00:20:09,773 but I never lied to you! 530 00:20:09,773 --> 00:20:12,210 Not my own flesh and blood. 531 00:20:15,126 --> 00:20:16,519 But he did break your window! 532 00:20:19,826 --> 00:20:22,046 Look the baby horse is crowning! 533 00:20:24,744 --> 00:20:26,703 I can't believe I ran my own father 534 00:20:26,703 --> 00:20:28,400 out of town on a rail - 535 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:29,880 Literally. The 3:15 to BC. 536 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,447 Ya did the right thing. 537 00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:33,579 Sooner or later, he woulda ripped ya off 538 00:20:33,579 --> 00:20:34,885 and ripped out your heart. 539 00:20:34,885 --> 00:20:36,147 Which would not be as gross 540 00:20:36,147 --> 00:20:37,888 as what I'm lookin' at right now. 541 00:20:37,888 --> 00:20:40,586 I was blinded by the need for a father figure, 542 00:20:40,586 --> 00:20:43,241 but who needs that when one has such good friends? 543 00:20:43,241 --> 00:20:44,721 Ya still owe me the money. 544 00:20:44,721 --> 00:20:47,463 I know, Jimmy. I know. 545 00:20:47,463 --> 00:20:50,161 Oh! I finally gave Horse a name! 546 00:20:50,161 --> 00:20:52,119 Didn't I, Diefenbaker? 547 00:20:54,208 --> 00:20:55,993 Excuse me a moment. 548 00:20:55,993 --> 00:20:57,690 Special Agent Strait McCool. 549 00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:59,518 Here it comes! 550 00:20:59,518 --> 00:21:01,390 ALL: Eww! 551 00:21:01,390 --> 00:21:03,479 [Whinnies] 552 00:21:03,479 --> 00:21:05,568 Aww! 553 00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:07,831 Um... That's not a horse. 554 00:21:07,831 --> 00:21:09,398 That's a mule. 555 00:21:09,398 --> 00:21:11,617 Hmmm, that's interest-- Oh Jesus Christ! 556 00:21:11,617 --> 00:21:12,836 What? 557 00:21:12,836 --> 00:21:15,142 Mules happen when horses do it with a donkey! 558 00:21:15,142 --> 00:21:16,666 Cookie's [Bleep]in' Wardrobe 559 00:21:16,666 --> 00:21:18,450 was knocked up when we bought her! 560 00:21:18,450 --> 00:21:20,626 Good news. You're off the hook. 561 00:21:20,626 --> 00:21:22,585 Diefenbaker ain't the father! 562 00:21:22,585 --> 00:21:24,238 [Relieved sigh] 563 00:21:24,238 --> 00:21:26,589 Splendid, because if I did have to pay you, 564 00:21:26,589 --> 00:21:28,242 I have the money! 565 00:21:28,242 --> 00:21:29,679 My father's check cleared. 566 00:21:29,679 --> 00:21:31,028 Oh? 567 00:21:31,028 --> 00:21:32,421 He was telling the truth, Jimmy. 568 00:21:32,421 --> 00:21:34,031 My long-lost father 569 00:21:34,031 --> 00:21:35,772 was telling the truth the whole time! 570 00:21:35,772 --> 00:21:37,295 How do ya like that? 571 00:21:37,295 --> 00:21:39,515 I was so sure he was a dirt bag. 572 00:21:39,515 --> 00:21:41,473 Well, I guess we better sue the guy 573 00:21:41,473 --> 00:21:43,040 who sold us the pregnant horse. 574 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,085 Perfect! I'll go get my lawyer wig. 575 00:21:45,085 --> 00:21:47,349 Yo McCool, can I count on you as a witness? 576 00:21:49,699 --> 00:21:51,788 For Canada - 577 00:21:51,788 --> 00:21:54,921 where apparently a jackass CAN ride a jackass! 578 00:21:56,793 --> 00:21:59,535 [Mule braying]CHEECH: Hey Jimmy, can I go next?