1
00:00:01,348 --> 00:00:03,220
How ya doin'?

2
00:00:03,220 --> 00:00:05,004
Back in the day,
keepin' on God's good side

3
00:00:05,004 --> 00:00:07,050
was a big deal for wiseguys.

4
00:00:07,050 --> 00:00:08,834
We racked up a lotta sins,

5
00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:10,749
and our life expectancy
was anybody's guess.

6
00:00:10,749 --> 00:00:12,316
So ya hadta be ready.

7
00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:14,753
We had a guy, Father Santino.

8
00:00:14,753 --> 00:00:16,407
Big into the Holy Trinity.

9
00:00:16,407 --> 00:00:18,583
Also had a weakness
for the holy trifecta.

10
00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:22,587
[Crowd cheers]

11
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,288
[Crowd laughs]

12
00:00:28,288 --> 00:00:30,421
But he always lost,

13
00:00:30,421 --> 00:00:32,379
which I figure was
God's way of sayin',

14
00:00:32,379 --> 00:00:34,512
'Hey, what the [bleep]
ya doin'?'

15
00:00:34,512 --> 00:00:36,862
So he borrowed from me.

16
00:00:36,862 --> 00:00:39,604
And since goodfellas
never had time for church,

17
00:00:39,604 --> 00:00:42,302
this was a chance
to bring church to us.

18
00:00:43,521 --> 00:00:45,349
Bless me father,

19
00:00:45,349 --> 00:00:47,786
for I have sinned like
[bleep]in' crazy this week.

20
00:00:47,786 --> 00:00:50,049
The convenience
was undeniable.

21
00:00:50,049 --> 00:00:52,182
Especially when
a gang-war broke out.

22
00:00:54,749 --> 00:00:56,360
CHEECH:
Thanks Father!

23
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:57,796
Oh!

24
00:00:57,796 --> 00:00:59,537
Got ya, Guido!

25
00:00:59,537 --> 00:01:01,452
Crap, I gotta go back in.

26
00:01:01,452 --> 00:01:02,931
JIMMY: It was all part
of keepin' the slate clean

27
00:01:02,931 --> 00:01:04,150
with the man upstairs.

28
00:01:05,891 --> 00:01:08,633
[Angelic chorus]

29
00:01:08,633 --> 00:01:11,070
Ya confess to God,
then the Feds...

30
00:01:11,070 --> 00:01:12,898
You'd confess
to anyone who'd listen,

31
00:01:12,898 --> 00:01:14,726
ya rat fink
stoolie Judas!

32
00:01:14,726 --> 00:01:16,597
She's got a point Jimmy.

33
00:01:16,597 --> 00:01:17,859
Shut up!

34
00:01:17,859 --> 00:01:19,905
But if you think I got
anything juicy to confess

35
00:01:19,905 --> 00:01:21,820
since I moved to this
unholy ice cube...

36
00:01:21,820 --> 00:01:23,126
Fugget About It!

37
00:01:24,910 --> 00:01:25,911
♪ Lemme tell you somethin'

38
00:01:25,911 --> 00:01:27,956
♪ 'bout a friend
of ours named Jimmy ♪

39
00:01:27,956 --> 00:01:30,785
♪ A "made" wise guy
and a capo with Gambini ♪

40
00:01:30,785 --> 00:01:33,832
♪ But then he found out they'd
be whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪

41
00:01:33,832 --> 00:01:36,661
♪ He took his boss, he threw him
from nineteenth floor suite ♪

42
00:01:36,661 --> 00:01:39,707
♪ Wasn't much long till
the mob all wants him dead ♪

43
00:01:39,707 --> 00:01:43,102
♪ So Jimmy had no choice
but to talk to all the feds ♪

44
00:01:43,102 --> 00:01:46,018
♪ The feds said they'd help
if they can use him as a pawn ♪

45
00:01:46,018 --> 00:01:48,499
♪ So he ratted out his friends
and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

46
00:01:48,499 --> 00:01:50,022
♪ Fugget about it!

47
00:01:50,022 --> 00:01:51,589
♪ Fugget about it!

48
00:01:51,589 --> 00:01:52,981
♪ Fugget about it!

49
00:01:52,981 --> 00:01:54,244
Oh!
Fugget about it!

50
00:01:57,247 --> 00:01:59,379
Hey everybody, guess what?

51
00:01:59,379 --> 00:02:01,729
I'm a hundred years old!

52
00:02:01,729 --> 00:02:04,689
That explains the dementia
and incontinence.

53
00:02:04,689 --> 00:02:06,299
And the dementia.

54
00:02:06,299 --> 00:02:08,301
I got a letter here
from the Prime Mister

55
00:02:08,301 --> 00:02:11,217
congratulatin' me
on my 100th birthday.

56
00:02:11,217 --> 00:02:13,741
Cheech, you're not that old.
Think about it.

57
00:02:13,741 --> 00:02:15,090
When were you born?

58
00:02:15,090 --> 00:02:16,918
Alls I know is they found me

59
00:02:16,918 --> 00:02:18,311
in a Port Authority
ladies room stall

60
00:02:18,311 --> 00:02:19,660
some time in June.

61
00:02:19,660 --> 00:02:23,055
PETEY: Hmmm.
It's definitely from Ottawa.

62
00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:24,883
This must have
something to do

63
00:02:24,883 --> 00:02:26,189
with your Witness
Protection profile.

64
00:02:28,669 --> 00:02:31,411
You know, the files McCool gave
us with our new identities?

65
00:02:31,411 --> 00:02:34,109
The ones we were supposed
to commit to memory?

66
00:02:34,109 --> 00:02:36,068
[Sighs]

67
00:02:36,068 --> 00:02:38,505
The ones he told us
to guard with our lives.

68
00:02:38,505 --> 00:02:40,768
Ya mean the papers we use
to prop up the wobbly toilet?

69
00:02:42,988 --> 00:02:45,599
Hey, the one I was born
in a wobbly toilet!

70
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:47,035
See?

71
00:02:47,035 --> 00:02:48,907
My file says I'm
allergic to bananas.

72
00:02:48,907 --> 00:02:50,952
I'm not,
but I avoid them

73
00:02:50,952 --> 00:02:53,433
to stay true to
my new identity -

74
00:02:53,433 --> 00:02:55,218
and because they
make me farty.

75
00:02:55,218 --> 00:02:56,523
Ha!

76
00:02:56,523 --> 00:02:59,439
Says here Theresa was
born in "New Found Land."

77
00:02:59,439 --> 00:03:01,833
That place sounds
totally made-up!

78
00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:04,618
Yeah well, says here
Gina was adopted.

79
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:07,969
I knew this rat bastard
couldn't be my real father.

80
00:03:07,969 --> 00:03:09,623
I wish I was fake adopted.

81
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:10,929
Oh look Jimmy.

82
00:03:10,929 --> 00:03:12,844
It says you and I
met at a drive-thru!

83
00:03:12,844 --> 00:03:15,455
I wonder where
we got married?!

84
00:03:15,455 --> 00:03:18,502
I wonder what we had.
I hope it was burgers.

85
00:03:18,502 --> 00:03:21,722
No, it says we had tacos...
and you finished mine.

86
00:03:21,722 --> 00:03:23,289
But there's nothin'
about our weddin'.

87
00:03:23,289 --> 00:03:25,378
That's because Jimmy
and Cookie McDougal

88
00:03:25,378 --> 00:03:26,684
never had one.

89
00:03:28,163 --> 00:03:29,817
Page thirty-seven,
in the appendix.

90
00:03:29,817 --> 00:03:31,776
You guys are listed
as Common Law.

91
00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:34,257
[Groans]

92
00:03:34,257 --> 00:03:35,867
That's crazy!

93
00:03:35,867 --> 00:03:38,173
I don't even like tacos!

94
00:03:41,394 --> 00:03:43,178
[Sobbing]

95
00:03:43,178 --> 00:03:46,181
What's wrong with Common Law?
It's progressive.

96
00:03:46,181 --> 00:03:49,184
So progressive in fact, that
you took Cookie's name, Jimmy.

97
00:03:49,184 --> 00:03:50,621
What was my maiden name?!

98
00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:52,797
Kardashian-Bin-Laden-Cosby.

99
00:03:52,797 --> 00:03:54,712
Yeah, no, McDougal's fine.

100
00:03:54,712 --> 00:03:57,105
It doesn't matter
what our names are!

101
00:03:57,105 --> 00:03:59,586
We're both gonna
burn in Hell!

102
00:03:59,586 --> 00:04:02,197
But these are
false identities!

103
00:04:02,197 --> 00:04:04,765
You still enjoy all
the same legal rights

104
00:04:04,765 --> 00:04:06,463
as legitimately
married couples!

105
00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:07,855
[Sobs]

106
00:04:07,855 --> 00:04:09,379
Sorry, that's a poor
choice of words.

107
00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:11,859
If we're gonna live together
under the same roof,

108
00:04:11,859 --> 00:04:14,384
we gotta get married
in a Roman Catholic Church,

109
00:04:14,384 --> 00:04:16,255
right where God, Jesus,

110
00:04:16,255 --> 00:04:17,778
and all the Saints
can see us!

111
00:04:17,778 --> 00:04:19,127
She's right.

112
00:04:19,127 --> 00:04:20,564
With all the things I done,

113
00:04:20,564 --> 00:04:22,609
I'm walkin' a fine line
with the man upstairs.

114
00:04:22,609 --> 00:04:25,351
God forbid, if Jimmy
gets hit by a bus,

115
00:04:25,351 --> 00:04:27,745
I'll be left with
an illegitimate bastard

116
00:04:27,745 --> 00:04:29,442
and two bastettes!

117
00:04:30,878 --> 00:04:32,489
I suppose a wedding
couldn't hurt...

118
00:04:32,489 --> 00:04:34,317
It might even be fun.

119
00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:37,015
Perhaps I could help
with some of the arrangements?

120
00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:39,713
Seein' as this unholy union
of ours is your fault,

121
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,585
you can arrange it all.

122
00:04:41,585 --> 00:04:42,977
Splendid!

123
00:04:42,977 --> 00:04:44,501
I'll get on it right away.

124
00:04:44,501 --> 00:04:46,198
For Canada!

125
00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:48,809
Where living in sin
ain't no sin at all!

126
00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:55,163
Hands off, Romeo.
God's watchin'!

127
00:04:58,645 --> 00:04:59,994
I was thinking,

128
00:04:59,994 --> 00:05:01,431
with Ma and Pop
getting married again,

129
00:05:01,431 --> 00:05:03,171
someone has to be best man...

130
00:05:03,171 --> 00:05:05,043
Oh my God!

131
00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:06,479
What are you doing,
Uncle Cheech?!

132
00:05:10,570 --> 00:05:12,920
That's Major Cheech
to you, Private!

133
00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:14,922
And what does it
look like I'm doin'?

134
00:05:14,922 --> 00:05:17,664
It looks like you've been
huffing my airplane glue again.

135
00:05:17,664 --> 00:05:19,100
I'm a hundred years old.

136
00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:21,625
What kind of man would I be
if I never served my country?

137
00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:23,714
Pretty much
the man you are?

138
00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:26,369
I asked myself not what
I can do for my country,

139
00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:28,719
but what my country
can do for me.

140
00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:30,808
This wouldn't be a ploy
to get cheap beer

141
00:05:30,808 --> 00:05:32,200
at the Legion, would it?

142
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:33,506
Bingo.

143
00:05:33,506 --> 00:05:36,988
I may not be a man of means,
but I got a mean thirst.

144
00:05:36,988 --> 00:05:38,685
And Lord knows I earned it!

145
00:05:40,426 --> 00:05:41,645
Whoa!

146
00:05:41,645 --> 00:05:42,907
[Groans]

147
00:05:44,169 --> 00:05:45,736
I guess that didn't
work out so well.

148
00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:47,259
It did!

149
00:05:47,259 --> 00:05:49,261
I got drunk,
felt up a female amputee,

150
00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,306
and picked a fight
with some Navy guys.

151
00:05:51,306 --> 00:05:53,308
They said to come back
when I sober up.

152
00:05:53,308 --> 00:05:56,311
And you don't find any of this
ethically troubling?

153
00:05:56,311 --> 00:05:58,792
I never had trouble
with ethnics.

154
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,012
Rednecks on the other hand,
they're a pain in the ass.

155
00:06:01,012 --> 00:06:02,753
Now let's get back
to base before curfew.

156
00:06:02,753 --> 00:06:03,928
HOO-rah!

157
00:06:08,889 --> 00:06:10,413
[Sighs]

158
00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:15,287
♪ [Romantic music]

159
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,159
[Gasps]

160
00:06:18,159 --> 00:06:21,206
Cookie McDougal,
love of my life...

161
00:06:21,206 --> 00:06:22,947
Will you marry me?

162
00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:26,124
[High pitched crying]

163
00:06:26,124 --> 00:06:28,256
Oh, Jimmy!

164
00:06:28,256 --> 00:06:30,563
I didn't expect
to get so choked up.

165
00:06:30,563 --> 00:06:32,347
Oh, here it comes!

166
00:06:32,347 --> 00:06:33,653
Third time's
the charm, Jimmy!

167
00:06:34,741 --> 00:06:36,177
Oh God.

168
00:06:36,177 --> 00:06:37,527
What'd ya say,
Cheech?

169
00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:41,748
I said, "Third time's
the charm, Jimmy!"

170
00:06:41,748 --> 00:06:44,011
I heard ya,
but what do ya mean?

171
00:06:44,011 --> 00:06:46,100
Ah, he's talkin' out his ass.
Like always.

172
00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:48,276
No I'm not!
"Third time's the charm"

173
00:06:48,276 --> 00:06:50,017
means the third time
ya try somethin',

174
00:06:50,017 --> 00:06:51,279
it usually works out.

175
00:06:51,279 --> 00:06:53,020
I know what it means!

176
00:06:53,020 --> 00:06:55,196
But why'd ya say it to Jimmy?

177
00:06:55,196 --> 00:06:57,068
He's probably been sniffin'
Petey's airplane glue again -

178
00:06:57,068 --> 00:06:59,157
Shut up. Cheech?

179
00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:01,420
Jimmy's proposin' to ya now,

180
00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:03,770
he proposed to ya
back in Brooklyn,

181
00:07:03,770 --> 00:07:06,599
and before that,
he proposed to Marie.

182
00:07:06,599 --> 00:07:08,819
Ergo my Eggo,
this is the third time.

183
00:07:08,819 --> 00:07:10,690
Need I draw a picture?

184
00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:13,780
Shut up, Cheech.

185
00:07:13,780 --> 00:07:15,869
Were you engaged
when ya met me?!

186
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,131
Now she gets it.

187
00:07:21,135 --> 00:07:23,921
In the military they
call this 'FUBAR'.

188
00:07:23,921 --> 00:07:26,140
Means '[Bleep]ed
Up By A Ring'.

189
00:07:26,140 --> 00:07:28,403
What's the one where ya get
killed by your own men?

190
00:07:28,403 --> 00:07:29,796
That's gettin' fragged.

191
00:07:29,796 --> 00:07:31,711
You're about to get
fragged, Cheech.

192
00:07:31,711 --> 00:07:33,931
And...
retreat!

193
00:07:38,239 --> 00:07:39,632
Cookie, where ya goin'?

194
00:07:39,632 --> 00:07:41,895
You're makin'
a big deal outta nothin'!

195
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:44,115
Bein' engaged and never
tellin' me about it

196
00:07:44,115 --> 00:07:45,856
is nothin' to you?!

197
00:07:45,856 --> 00:07:47,597
Well, ya never told me
you were a stripper!

198
00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:51,383
Ya met me at a strip joint
where I was strippin'!

199
00:07:51,383 --> 00:07:53,167
Yeah, well there's a
difference between showin'

200
00:07:53,167 --> 00:07:54,429
and tellin'!

201
00:07:54,429 --> 00:07:55,909
Now c'mon back inside.

202
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:57,607
I rented a tux for this!

203
00:07:57,607 --> 00:08:00,087
I don't need you
and your secrets and lies!

204
00:08:00,087 --> 00:08:01,611
I don't need
nothin' from you!

205
00:08:03,221 --> 00:08:05,049
Now can I please
have the car keys?

206
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:10,402
Ahh!

207
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:11,490
So is that a 'no'?!

208
00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:12,796
Ahh!

209
00:08:12,796 --> 00:08:14,014
Yes!

210
00:08:14,014 --> 00:08:15,799
[Groans]

211
00:08:17,496 --> 00:08:20,325
Jimmy, is this a good time
to discuss the seating plan?

212
00:08:20,325 --> 00:08:23,676
I heard a 'yes'!
Congratulations, Jimmy!

213
00:08:25,896 --> 00:08:27,332
[Whinnies]

214
00:08:27,332 --> 00:08:29,856
I'll call you, Jimmy!

215
00:08:35,645 --> 00:08:37,385
Hoh! At ease, Kowalski!

216
00:08:38,517 --> 00:08:41,912
Ow! Hey!
The war's over, Johnson!

217
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:45,045
Good buncha fellas.
Trust 'em with my life.

218
00:08:45,045 --> 00:08:47,744
Um, why is your
sleeve pinned up?

219
00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:50,224
'Coz I lost my
arm at Iwo Jima.

220
00:08:50,224 --> 00:08:53,445
Or was it Korea?
I wanna say Iraq maybe?

221
00:08:53,445 --> 00:08:54,707
Drink up! It's on me.

222
00:08:54,707 --> 00:08:56,753
And the Canadian taxpayer.

223
00:08:56,753 --> 00:08:58,189
Cookie'll come around.

224
00:08:58,189 --> 00:09:00,757
She's just confused
and jealous... and wrong.

225
00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:02,628
I get confused and jealous.

226
00:09:02,628 --> 00:09:04,717
Ya don't see me throwin'
my skirt over my head

227
00:09:04,717 --> 00:09:06,023
and movin' out.

228
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:07,198
We do when you're drunk.

229
00:09:07,198 --> 00:09:08,591
She's just havin' trouble

230
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,810
separatin'
the 'before we met' part

231
00:09:10,810 --> 00:09:12,899
with the 'after we met' part.

232
00:09:12,899 --> 00:09:14,118
Which part are we in now?

233
00:09:14,118 --> 00:09:16,468
Oh yeah, the drinkin' part!

234
00:09:16,468 --> 00:09:17,904
Barkeep!

235
00:09:17,904 --> 00:09:20,646
Two more beers and a grape Nehi
for Radar here!

236
00:09:24,476 --> 00:09:25,782
So Ma, what are
ya gonna do

237
00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:27,697
now that ya gave up
your housewife job?

238
00:09:27,697 --> 00:09:29,524
I gotta figure out
a way to be independent

239
00:09:29,524 --> 00:09:32,702
of that fat, lyin', sack o'
[bleep] father of yours...

240
00:09:32,702 --> 00:09:34,965
...who loves you very much.

241
00:09:34,965 --> 00:09:37,620
So obviously you're goin'
back to bein' a stripper?

242
00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:39,796
Gimme some credit!
I wasn't a stripper!

243
00:09:39,796 --> 00:09:41,841
I was an exotic dancer.

244
00:09:41,841 --> 00:09:43,321
What's the difference?

245
00:09:43,321 --> 00:09:44,975
Pasties and
a three drink minimum.

246
00:09:44,975 --> 00:09:46,498
Girls, look.

247
00:09:46,498 --> 00:09:48,543
Whatever happens,
never forget.

248
00:09:48,543 --> 00:09:51,634
Your father and I both
still love you very much.

249
00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:54,462
But now you're gonna compete
for our allegiance, right?

250
00:09:54,462 --> 00:09:56,290
Who do we spend
Christmas with?

251
00:09:56,290 --> 00:09:58,902
We get two Christmases,
dumbass!

252
00:09:58,902 --> 00:10:02,122
I don't think Santa can be
at two places at once Gina.

253
00:10:02,122 --> 00:10:03,689
[Sighs]

254
00:10:05,778 --> 00:10:08,302
Who names their store
"Bra Bra Bra-"

255
00:10:08,302 --> 00:10:11,088
Ugh, I'm too bored
to even finish it.

256
00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:12,698
Actually,
it's pronounced -

257
00:10:12,698 --> 00:10:15,048
♪ [Tune of Beethoven's 5th]
Bra Bra Bra Bra! ♪

258
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,920
Oooh, that's catchy!

259
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:18,835
Can ya direct me to
your exotic dancewear?

260
00:10:22,708 --> 00:10:24,449
I hope I'm not being forward,

261
00:10:24,449 --> 00:10:26,581
but ya should really consider

262
00:10:26,581 --> 00:10:29,019
the Double-Barrelled
Blunder Bust from BlunderBra.

263
00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:30,368
Here, I'll show ya.

264
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,066
For a rack like yours,

265
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,589
it'll strike
the perfect balance

266
00:10:34,589 --> 00:10:36,156
of lift and separation.

267
00:10:36,156 --> 00:10:37,288
There.

268
00:10:37,288 --> 00:10:39,464
You're locked, loaded,
and lookin' good!

269
00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:41,509
Wow!

270
00:10:41,509 --> 00:10:43,816
The Sleeping Giants
have awoken!

271
00:10:47,254 --> 00:10:49,735
You oughtta hire her.

272
00:10:49,735 --> 00:10:51,737
The woman knows her way
around a pair of tits.

273
00:10:56,655 --> 00:10:59,005
Cheech,
did you by chance

274
00:10:59,005 --> 00:11:00,877
run into one
of my teachers today?

275
00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:02,400
Affirmative.

276
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,184
I was pukin' out
front of the Legion

277
00:11:04,184 --> 00:11:06,447
and we had ourselves
a little chinwag.

278
00:11:06,447 --> 00:11:09,929
She invited me to talk at
your school for Memory Day.

279
00:11:09,929 --> 00:11:11,931
Remembrance Day.

280
00:11:11,931 --> 00:11:14,804
Uncle Cheech, uh,
permission to speak bluntly?

281
00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:16,980
I'd prefer English,
but I'll try to follow.

282
00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:20,026
You have to stop
posing as a Veteran.

283
00:11:20,026 --> 00:11:22,725
Private,
people need heroes!

284
00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,509
Someone to look up to,

285
00:11:24,509 --> 00:11:26,337
to remind them
that freedom has a price...

286
00:11:26,337 --> 00:11:28,339
A price that can
only be paid

287
00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:30,733
one beer at a time.

288
00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:32,691
Um, no.

289
00:11:32,691 --> 00:11:35,259
And what you are doing
is reprehensible!

290
00:11:35,259 --> 00:11:36,826
Relax.

291
00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:38,218
I'll take care
of the speech.

292
00:11:38,218 --> 00:11:39,698
You handle
the moment of science.

293
00:11:39,698 --> 00:11:41,526
Did I say
'reprehensible?'

294
00:11:41,526 --> 00:11:43,789
I meant
completely insane!

295
00:11:47,271 --> 00:11:50,274
Whatever this is, Cheech,
I don't have time.

296
00:11:50,274 --> 00:11:51,754
Is Jimmy here?

297
00:11:51,754 --> 00:11:54,060
Someone needs to
decide on invitations!

298
00:11:54,060 --> 00:11:57,107
Kobe rice paper
or Venetian smooth?

299
00:11:57,107 --> 00:11:59,936
Everyone expects these things
to just fall into place!

300
00:11:59,936 --> 00:12:03,113
And now I'm late for
wedding band auditions!

301
00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:05,855
I'm this close to getting
Lover Boy back together.

302
00:12:09,684 --> 00:12:12,296
Hey Mister!
Quit cutting the line!

303
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:14,820
Relax Lady!
Do I look like I need a bra?

304
00:12:14,820 --> 00:12:17,214
Yeah, you do.
And a girdle wouldn't hurt.

305
00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:18,650
[All laugh]

306
00:12:19,956 --> 00:12:21,131
Cookie!

307
00:12:21,131 --> 00:12:22,741
Yo, Cook!

308
00:12:22,741 --> 00:12:24,830
COOKIE: Whaddaya want?
I'm workin' here.

309
00:12:24,830 --> 00:12:26,136
Where, in here?

310
00:12:26,136 --> 00:12:28,268
Get outta here, I'm busy!

311
00:12:28,268 --> 00:12:29,835
I went by your apartment.

312
00:12:29,835 --> 00:12:31,924
Gina says you're
sellin' bras now?

313
00:12:31,924 --> 00:12:34,231
Yeah, and I'm doin'
real good at it.

314
00:12:34,231 --> 00:12:36,102
Look, I'm sorry
ya got jealous

315
00:12:36,102 --> 00:12:37,625
when ya found out
I was engaged.

316
00:12:37,625 --> 00:12:39,192
Now cut the crap
and come home.

317
00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:41,238
How'ya doin'?

318
00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:44,241
Why would I come home
to someone who lies to me?

319
00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:46,721
I didn't tell ya sooner 'coz
I knew you'd go all crazy.

320
00:12:46,721 --> 00:12:48,941
Apparently I was right!

321
00:12:48,941 --> 00:12:50,943
Way to try and win
me back, Jimmy.

322
00:12:50,943 --> 00:12:52,684
Now get outta here
or I'll call security.

323
00:12:52,684 --> 00:12:53,990
Go ahead.

324
00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:55,513
I ain't leavin'
until you agree

325
00:12:55,513 --> 00:12:57,471
to be eternally bound to me
in the eyes of God!

326
00:12:57,471 --> 00:12:59,473
Hey! That's not fair.

327
00:12:59,473 --> 00:13:01,562
How am I supposed
to fight back?

328
00:13:01,562 --> 00:13:02,650
[Laughter]

329
00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:08,308
♪ Bra Bra Bra Bra!

330
00:13:08,308 --> 00:13:10,049
May I help you?

331
00:13:10,049 --> 00:13:11,964
Oh, I think you're
looking for

332
00:13:11,964 --> 00:13:14,184
♪ [Tune of "O Canada"]
Bra Bra Bra Bra. ♪

333
00:13:14,184 --> 00:13:16,360
They're over on Dewdney.
But they suck.

334
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:17,752
You should come here.

335
00:13:17,752 --> 00:13:19,363
Hello, Twinkie!

336
00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:20,886
Did Jimmy
get laid off?

337
00:13:20,886 --> 00:13:22,235
It's okay.

338
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,716
I'm sure your children don't
need their mother anymore.

339
00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:26,805
Hey, Man-a-belle.

340
00:13:26,805 --> 00:13:29,677
Sorry, the washrooms
are only for payin' customers.

341
00:13:29,677 --> 00:13:31,505
I need a bra,

342
00:13:31,505 --> 00:13:34,073
preferably not the tear-away
kind you're accustomed to.

343
00:13:34,073 --> 00:13:36,119
[Sighs]

344
00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:39,862
You got what we call
'long-distance' cleavage.

345
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,429
This bra will really bring
the sisters together...

346
00:13:42,429 --> 00:13:45,519
Ooh, I like it.

347
00:13:45,519 --> 00:13:47,260
COOKIE:
It's made of 'mammary-foam,'

348
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,827
so your girls get that

349
00:13:48,827 --> 00:13:50,307
sleepin'-in-their-own-beds
feelin'.

350
00:13:52,309 --> 00:13:53,614
What the heck, Annabelle?!

351
00:13:53,614 --> 00:13:55,268
No touchin' the lap dancer -

352
00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:57,183
I mean, bra fitter!

353
00:13:57,183 --> 00:13:59,577
I'm sorry, when you
touched me, I...

354
00:13:59,577 --> 00:14:01,579
I had an orgasm.

355
00:14:01,579 --> 00:14:04,060
My husband hasn't been
very affectionate lately.

356
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:07,411
[Sobs]

357
00:14:07,411 --> 00:14:08,673
How long is 'lately'?

358
00:14:08,673 --> 00:14:10,588
Who can keep track?

359
00:14:10,588 --> 00:14:12,459
I don't know -
168 days.

360
00:14:12,459 --> 00:14:14,070
Whoa!

361
00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:15,854
No wonder you're such
a [bleep]in' bitch.

362
00:14:15,854 --> 00:14:17,812
Tell ya what -
I'm off in ten minutes.

363
00:14:17,812 --> 00:14:19,553
Lemme buy ya a box of wine.

364
00:14:21,512 --> 00:14:23,340
Just keep that tongue
to yourself hot lips.

365
00:14:26,343 --> 00:14:27,561
Finally, Jimmy!

366
00:14:27,561 --> 00:14:28,649
I'm so behind on
the wedding plans,

367
00:14:28,649 --> 00:14:30,564
I can't even spare
the time to rebuke you!

368
00:14:30,564 --> 00:14:33,089
Top priority
'save the date' cards,

369
00:14:33,089 --> 00:14:35,308
though I don't know the date
or whom to send them to.

370
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,093
Also, the DJ needs a song list,

371
00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:39,225
or else it's all going
to be New Country.

372
00:14:39,225 --> 00:14:41,227
We're in the prairies, Jimmy!

373
00:14:41,227 --> 00:14:43,012
Get ahold
of yourself, McCool!

374
00:14:43,012 --> 00:14:44,796
Change of plans.

375
00:14:44,796 --> 00:14:46,711
It's gonna be an
intimate ceremony,

376
00:14:46,711 --> 00:14:48,365
where you get on the computer

377
00:14:48,365 --> 00:14:49,757
and make Cookie
and me married.

378
00:14:49,757 --> 00:14:51,063
What?!

379
00:14:51,063 --> 00:14:52,760
If Cook wants to leave me,
she'll hafta divorce me,

380
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,849
which is a sin,
so she won't.

381
00:14:54,849 --> 00:14:57,026
Bada boom.
Happily ever after.

382
00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:58,636
Is this what Cookie wants?

383
00:14:58,636 --> 00:15:00,551
Who cares what she wants?!

384
00:15:00,551 --> 00:15:03,032
Just make us married!

385
00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:05,469
Am I sensing some
pre-wedding jitters here?

386
00:15:05,469 --> 00:15:06,731
It's perfectly natural to -

387
00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,559
She moved out and got a job.

388
00:15:08,559 --> 00:15:11,040
Sweet conscious uncoupling!

389
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:12,911
She's your life partner,
your soul-mate,

390
00:15:12,911 --> 00:15:14,782
the mother
of your children!

391
00:15:14,782 --> 00:15:16,654
I can't "make"
you two married!

392
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:18,134
Only you can.

393
00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:20,875
By all that is holy,
James Danger McDougal,

394
00:15:20,875 --> 00:15:22,790
go and win her back!

395
00:15:22,790 --> 00:15:24,967
Aw, you really care
about us, McCool.

396
00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:26,533
I'm touched.

397
00:15:26,533 --> 00:15:29,536
It's my special day,
and it has to be perfect!

398
00:15:33,018 --> 00:15:34,411
Can ya believe it?

399
00:15:34,411 --> 00:15:35,934
All these years,

400
00:15:35,934 --> 00:15:38,023
and he never mentioned
he was engaged before!

401
00:15:38,023 --> 00:15:39,633
Shifty son of a bitch.

402
00:15:39,633 --> 00:15:42,201
So you don't keep
secrets from Jimmy?

403
00:15:42,201 --> 00:15:44,247
Nah, I just lay it out there.

404
00:15:44,247 --> 00:15:46,379
If he doesn't like it,
he can suck it.

405
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,120
Oh wait, there is one.

406
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,427
But I'm embarrassed to say.

407
00:15:50,427 --> 00:15:51,994
Tell you what,
I'll go first.

408
00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:55,562
I never told my husband
that our oldest boy

409
00:15:55,562 --> 00:15:56,999
is not actually his.

410
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:59,088
Oh yeah?

411
00:16:00,959 --> 00:16:02,613
I mean, Ted is
such a great dad,

412
00:16:02,613 --> 00:16:04,571
and Donnie loves
him so much.

413
00:16:04,571 --> 00:16:06,704
I can't destroy
that because

414
00:16:06,704 --> 00:16:08,488
of one passionate night
with Ted's father.

415
00:16:08,488 --> 00:16:10,012
[Coughs]

416
00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:12,231
Jesus Christ, Annabelle!

417
00:16:12,231 --> 00:16:14,668
You had your
father-in-law's baby?!

418
00:16:14,668 --> 00:16:17,671
I know, I know,
but see what I mean?

419
00:16:17,671 --> 00:16:20,326
Some secrets should
really stay secret.

420
00:16:20,326 --> 00:16:22,459
So what's yours?

421
00:16:22,459 --> 00:16:25,288
I once had a reduction...

422
00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:26,550
And?

423
00:16:26,550 --> 00:16:28,204
Are you kiddin'?

424
00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:29,640
Jimmy'd never shut up
if I told him!

425
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:30,815
He'd be all,

426
00:16:30,815 --> 00:16:32,904
"How could ya do that
to Betty and Veronica?!"

427
00:16:32,904 --> 00:16:34,732
He has names for my -

428
00:16:34,732 --> 00:16:36,473
Yeah, no, I get it.

429
00:16:39,824 --> 00:16:41,521
It's an honour
to be here today

430
00:16:41,521 --> 00:16:43,654
to remember those who fought

431
00:16:43,654 --> 00:16:45,786
so you little [bleep]s
could have cell phones

432
00:16:45,786 --> 00:16:47,092
and open relationships.

433
00:16:48,876 --> 00:16:50,313
If it weren't
for guys like me,

434
00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:52,880
Private Ryan'd still be lost.

435
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,666
In which case,
no Good Will Hunting.

436
00:16:55,666 --> 00:16:57,537
You're welcome.

437
00:16:57,537 --> 00:17:00,323
War is no bowl of raspberries.

438
00:17:00,323 --> 00:17:02,107
Livin' in that sweaty jungle,

439
00:17:02,107 --> 00:17:04,066
Charlie breathin'
down your neck...

440
00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:05,458
What?!

441
00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:08,200
But when Colonel Potter says
"Take Cheeseburger Hill,"

442
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,289
ya take it!

443
00:17:10,289 --> 00:17:12,857
Do you mean Vietnam?

444
00:17:12,857 --> 00:17:15,077
Canada didn't go to Vietnam!

445
00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:17,340
In honour of this
suspicious occasion,

446
00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:19,690
I went 'commando'
when I got dressed this mornin'.

447
00:17:19,690 --> 00:17:21,996
My soldiers need to breathe...

448
00:17:21,996 --> 00:17:24,999
for them that can't no more.

449
00:17:24,999 --> 00:17:27,480
And like the flag outside,

450
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,395
I too am at half mast.

451
00:17:29,395 --> 00:17:31,310
[All gasp]

452
00:17:31,310 --> 00:17:32,964
[Angry muttering]

453
00:17:32,964 --> 00:17:35,009
Alright, everyone,
shut yer yaps!

454
00:17:35,009 --> 00:17:37,969
Let's get this minute
of boring silence over with

455
00:17:37,969 --> 00:17:39,623
so we can go to the bar.

456
00:17:42,669 --> 00:17:44,541
This fella's a phony!

457
00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:45,977
Yo, Bert, shut up!

458
00:17:45,977 --> 00:17:47,674
Have some respect
for the fallen!

459
00:17:47,674 --> 00:17:49,937
He's not even
a real amputee!

460
00:17:49,937 --> 00:17:51,765
Yes I am.

461
00:17:51,765 --> 00:17:52,940
Ever heard of
a phantom limb?

462
00:17:52,940 --> 00:17:54,725
Oooh.

463
00:17:54,725 --> 00:17:57,510
I'm the ghost
of Cheech's arm!

464
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,903
Let's get him!

465
00:17:58,903 --> 00:18:00,470
Oh crap.
I better fall back!

466
00:18:00,470 --> 00:18:02,254
[Chuckles]

467
00:18:02,254 --> 00:18:04,952
You'll never catch me,
ya old farts!

468
00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:11,655
[Panting and coughing]

469
00:18:13,222 --> 00:18:15,354
[Scream]

470
00:18:15,354 --> 00:18:18,357
♪ [Dramatic instrumental]

471
00:18:18,357 --> 00:18:21,143
♪ [Dramatic instrumental]

472
00:18:22,709 --> 00:18:24,189
MAN:
Annabelle?

473
00:18:24,189 --> 00:18:26,583
Honey, it's me.
We need to talk.

474
00:18:26,583 --> 00:18:29,020
It's my husband.
I called him to pick me up.

475
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:30,369
You're out of wine.

476
00:18:33,372 --> 00:18:35,679
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
It's just...

477
00:18:35,679 --> 00:18:37,681
I've been feeling
self-conscious lately.

478
00:18:37,681 --> 00:18:39,639
And that's understandable -

479
00:18:39,639 --> 00:18:41,772
Ever since I put on
this extra weight.

480
00:18:41,772 --> 00:18:43,165
Huh?

481
00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:45,776
Oh Ted, I don't care
about your weight.

482
00:18:45,776 --> 00:18:48,082
I love you,
Pudding Guts.

483
00:18:48,082 --> 00:18:50,868
[Sighs]

484
00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:53,218
Let's go home.
I'll get my coat.

485
00:18:53,218 --> 00:18:56,482
I'm Cookie by the way.
Oh, sorry.

486
00:18:56,482 --> 00:18:59,181
JIMMY:
Cookie! Cookie!

487
00:19:13,499 --> 00:19:16,937
[♪♪♪]

488
00:19:21,725 --> 00:19:23,030
What the hell?

489
00:19:25,859 --> 00:19:28,079
Well ain't this cozy!

490
00:19:28,079 --> 00:19:30,255
Alright, put em up
ya sonofabitch.

491
00:19:30,255 --> 00:19:31,996
Think ya can fool
around with my wife?!

492
00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:33,606
What?! No!

493
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,304
Jimmy, it ain't what ya think.

494
00:19:35,304 --> 00:19:37,001
Aw crap, sorry.

495
00:19:37,001 --> 00:19:39,482
I didn't realize you was -

496
00:19:39,482 --> 00:19:41,179
What did Toby call
it at the seminar?

497
00:19:41,179 --> 00:19:42,833
Differently-abled!

498
00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:46,663
Oh so you're cutting
me a break, are you?

499
00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:49,231
You don't cut me a break,
I cut you one.

500
00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:51,363
Wanna dance, muh[bleep]?

501
00:19:51,363 --> 00:19:52,973
Easy platypus -

502
00:19:55,324 --> 00:19:56,629
Boys, stop it!

503
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:58,979
[Screams]

504
00:20:01,025 --> 00:20:02,809
[Grunts and crashes]

505
00:20:02,809 --> 00:20:04,202
That is so unfair.

506
00:20:04,202 --> 00:20:06,073
He's at such a disadvantage.

507
00:20:06,073 --> 00:20:09,163
I'm sorry.
Jimmy can be a real caveman.

508
00:20:09,163 --> 00:20:11,949
No, I mean it's unfair
that Ted's going to beat up

509
00:20:11,949 --> 00:20:13,342
your fat, out-of-shape ex.

510
00:20:13,342 --> 00:20:14,734
Okay.
Bonding's over.

511
00:20:14,734 --> 00:20:15,909
Get the [bleep]
out of my apartment.

512
00:20:15,909 --> 00:20:17,302
[Yells]

513
00:20:17,302 --> 00:20:19,913
[Impact grunt]

514
00:20:19,913 --> 00:20:21,828
Okay...
ya got a lucky one in...

515
00:20:21,828 --> 00:20:23,656
[Screams]

516
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:27,617
Alright, fight music!

517
00:20:27,617 --> 00:20:29,575
A-one, two, a-one
two, three, four!

518
00:20:29,575 --> 00:20:34,624
[♪♪♪]

519
00:20:34,624 --> 00:20:36,582
[Screams and grunts]

520
00:20:36,582 --> 00:20:39,933
[Bees buzzing]

521
00:20:39,933 --> 00:20:43,197
[All scream]

522
00:20:43,197 --> 00:20:44,634
Ah...

523
00:20:44,634 --> 00:20:45,896
Had enough?

524
00:20:45,896 --> 00:20:47,506
I'm just gettin' started.

525
00:20:47,506 --> 00:20:50,248
I'll fight for that woman
until you beat me so bad

526
00:20:50,248 --> 00:20:52,206
I can't remember who I am...

527
00:20:52,206 --> 00:20:54,252
My name's Timmy, right?

528
00:20:54,252 --> 00:20:56,950
[All scream]

529
00:21:02,652 --> 00:21:04,001
[All scream]

530
00:21:08,962 --> 00:21:11,965
JIMMY:
Uh... Cook?

531
00:21:11,965 --> 00:21:13,663
Is that you?

532
00:21:13,663 --> 00:21:15,186
You're here?

533
00:21:15,186 --> 00:21:17,797
Of course I am
ya big lug...

534
00:21:17,797 --> 00:21:20,539
And I'm ready to
answer your question.

535
00:21:20,539 --> 00:21:23,412
It's yes, right?
Please say you'll marry me.

536
00:21:23,412 --> 00:21:25,109
How hard did he kick you?!

537
00:21:25,109 --> 00:21:28,199
That's a yes!
Ow! God!

538
00:21:28,199 --> 00:21:30,549
[Grunts]

539
00:21:30,549 --> 00:21:32,812
Yes, I got ordained.

540
00:21:32,812 --> 00:21:35,249
You try finding a Catholic
priest willing to marry

541
00:21:35,249 --> 00:21:37,556
a couple living in sin
with three children.

542
00:21:37,556 --> 00:21:39,036
The ring, Jimmy?

543
00:21:39,036 --> 00:21:40,690
My best man's got it.

544
00:21:40,690 --> 00:21:42,866
It fell inside my cast.

545
00:21:42,866 --> 00:21:44,868
Who wants to reach in
and dig it out?

546
00:21:49,046 --> 00:21:50,656
Oh for Chrissake!

547
00:21:52,658 --> 00:21:54,356
[Scream]

548
00:21:54,356 --> 00:21:56,314
Hey, this ain't my ring!

549
00:21:56,314 --> 00:21:58,360
That was my new piercing!

550
00:21:58,360 --> 00:21:59,752
[All laugh]