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This programme contains some strong language

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

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# She's Mrs Brown

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# That's Mrs Brown

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# Oh, Mrs Brown. #

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Hello there!

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I'm just reading some stuff in the paper.

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Apparently an 85-year-old woman married a 92-year-old man

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and they spent their honeymoon getting out of the buckin' car!

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It also said that the economy is having a tough time.

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Really? What about us?

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You pick something off the supermarket shelf now,

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by the time you get to the till, it's gone up 10p!

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HE EXHALES WITH FORCE

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That's fantastic, Grandad.

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You're going from strength to strength. Ah.

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How is he, Doctor?

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Wonderful! I swear he could run a marathon.

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He couldn't run a buckin' bath.

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HE GRUMBLES

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Morning, Agnes.

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How are ya, Winnie? Get yourself a cuppa tea there.

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Right. Oh, Happy New Year!

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Winnie, we're weeks into it now, for God's sake,

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you can only say that one day of the year.

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Oh, someone's in a bad humour.

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You know, my bank manager wouldn't even give me an overdraft!

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Ha-ha! She'll be sorry, I tell ya.

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She doesn't know I'm in partnership

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with a Nigerian prince that has a gold mine.

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I don't know why you bother with the paper.

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I don't read it any more, it's only bad news.

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Yeah, I think you should take life with a pinch of salt.

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Yeah, and a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila!

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That's me done, Mrs Brown. See you next month.

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Doctor, Agnes was just saying how things are so bad everywhere.

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Oh, I see it every day.

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But we've a lot to be thankful for.

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Oh, you're right.

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I'm sitting here thinking how lucky I am to have me family

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and Winnie is thinking how lucky she is

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that wrinkles aren't painful.

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No, I mean all round.

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People are living longer, there's less poverty, less illness...

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Not in this buckin' house.

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No, I mean in general.

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Like, look at keyhole surgery and vaccines.

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Amazing!

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Do you remember, Dr Flynn, the public nurse coming to the school

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and us getting the sugar lump with the polio vaccine in it?

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God, Winnie, I remember that.

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Mm, not really.

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My father was a doctor and I went to a private school.

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Oh... AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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My school had its own doctor.

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Our school had its own coroner!

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Which school was that?

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The Little Sisters of the Merciful Jesus.

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That was my father!

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Your father wasn't Jesus!

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No, his father was Dr Rigor Mortis.

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I have to go. Goodbye.

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See ya, Doctor.

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So what are you up to, Winnie?

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Oh, I did have a good chat with Sharon last night.

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She really likes this new boyfriend, so I was warning her about sex.

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Really?

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I can't buckin' wait to hear this.

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So, what did you say?

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Well, I just warned her that if she gives him sex before they get

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married, that once they're married,

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she'll, he'll want it all the time.

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"She he'll want it all the time"?

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I think the proper pronoun is "they". They, yeah.

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They will want it all the time

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and he's not getting it.

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I used to love sex with Redser.

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Especially the one in the winter.

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Snowballs. Uh...

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You wouldn't believe how innocent Sharon is, Agnes.

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No, Winnie, I wouldn't.

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Actually, nobody in Finglas would.

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Heard a joke last night.

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Knock, knock. Who's there?

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I can't remember the punch line.

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I can't remember the punch line, who?

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It doesn't matter.

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My back garden is in a mess.

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I know, I saw. I've never seen it as bad.

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Well, it's the overgrowth from the back lane.

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Well, you should ring the council. I did!

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Wasted me time. Mm.

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I've written a complaint, now maybe that will bring a reaction.

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Let me see it.

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"Dear Shithead..."

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No, Winnie, that's a bad start.

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Hiya, Mrs McGoogan.

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Oh, how are ya, Cathy, love?

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Here, how did Sharon's date go last night? Well, she didn't say,

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but I think it's really serious with this fella, Martin.

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No, Martin was her date on Monday.

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Oh, sorry, I meant Peter.

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No, that was Wednesday.

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It was Donal last night.

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Oh, Donal, you're right.

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I think it's really serious, Cathy.

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Yeah. Mammy, where's me blouse?

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It's up on the clotheshorse in the bathroom.

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Thanks, Mammy. I'll go get dressed.

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Winnie, you can't send this letter.

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Why not? The council have to do something about the mess.

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Yeah, well, you're going to have to reword it. You can't say,

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"My bush is overgrown

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"and there's fungus growing on my back passage."

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Well, it's true.

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Hey, Ma! Hello, Mrs Brown.

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CHEERING

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How are the boys?

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Well, me job sucks, so there's that!

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Oh, Dermot, that's just the New Year blues.

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Everybody's job sucks today.

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True.

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A pilot's job sucks, a painter's job sucks.

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A prostitute's job...

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No, no, Winnie, Winnie. No.

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I just reek of disappointment.

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Dermo, you need to lighten up.

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LIGHT BULB DINGS

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You're right, Buster, I do need to lose weight.

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No more drink, no more junk food.

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That's the attitude, son. I'm proud of you.

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I'm just after doing a fry.

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Oh, bacon!

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LIGHT BULB DINGS

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Look son, you just have the New Year blues.

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The thing is not to panic...

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CATHY: Aaaargh!

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..like Cathy does.

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Winnie, there's very little difference with Cathy's screams

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between, there's a spider in the shower

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or there's a man in the bedroom with a knife.

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For God's sake, I don't believe it. What?

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These actually fit me last year.

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Like seven days ago?

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Do you want me to help you put them on, Cathy?

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Ah, shut up, Buster!

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My ma used to use Vaseline.

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To put on jeans?

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Oh, yeah, maybe that was to fit her exhaust pipe.

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Mammy, I'm implementing a new regime.

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New Year, new you! New Year, new me!

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Me too! New Year, new me!

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Well, good luck with that, children.

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And it starts today, Mammy, with yoga.

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Oh, lovely. Fruit of the forest for me, please.

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No, Mammy. Yoga, not yoghurt!

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Oh.

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We'll all enjoy that, Mammy.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa, a second! Wait a minute.

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What do you mean, "we"? When did I come into this?

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I don't even buckin' wear jeans.

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It's not about the jeans, Mammy, it's about this.

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Your hair?

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Clarity of the mind!

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This year is going to be different.

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Hmm.

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Right, I'm going up to make a plan.

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And what's the secret of a good plan, Buster?

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Let Dermo do it.

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No, strategy.

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That's what I meant.

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And we need a leader.

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I nominate Maria.

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Good! Carried!

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Do we not get a vote? No.

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Come on, Buster. We'd better get moving.

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OK, Dermo, can I have some bacon first?

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New regime, Buster, new regime!

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Do you know who I bumped into yesterday, when I was in town?

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I'm just guessing now - everybody?

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No. Larry Gowland.

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That name sounds familiar.

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Oh, you remember him, Agnes.

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Good-looking fella, had the hots for me.

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Larry G...

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Oh, God, I remember! I haven't seen him in 50 years.

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"Hots" is a bit of a stretch, Winnie.

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He had! He's still as good-looking as he was back then.

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You know, I dumped him and married Jacko.

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He was so disappointed.

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Who, Jacko?

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No, Larry.

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I just dumped him.

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Winnie, you didn't dump him, you never dated him!

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I did too!

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And he loved me, deeply.

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AUDIENCE: Awww!

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Winnie, I'm sure, deep down, he DID love you.

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But I'm old-fashioned.

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I believe that men, you know, show their affection for someone

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with a gift or flowers,

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not a buckin' restraining order.

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22, 23, oh, that's it, everybody!

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Keep it up!

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Oh!

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Mrs Brown, are you OK?

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Yes, actually that was really nice.

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OK, that's it, everybody.

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And to cool down, we're going to touch our toes.

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Birdie, I can't, can't get past me knees.

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I can barely see my toes.

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Here, Winnie, you touch mine and I'll touch yours!

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AUDIENCE WHOOPS

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Did I miss anything?

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Everything! We only have ten minutes left.

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Excuse me? Yes, Mrs Brown?

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Can we take these home with us? Of course.

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Lovely!

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Ten minutes?

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I didn't miss much, though!

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Right, everybody, a quick jog around the block

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and then we're finished for the day.

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Whoo! OK, everybody! Hup two, get those legs up!

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Sharon, two packets of Scampi Fries and a cola - diet.

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Dermot, tell me more about this solar stuff.

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It comes in kit form and it's DIY.

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It's cheap and saves a lot on electricity.

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I'll bet.

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I might get one for here.

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What took you so long? I'm back ages.

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Agnes, did you see him?

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See who?

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Larry Gowland!

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I saw him across the road and he was just staring at us.

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Ah, Winnie, you're having hallucinations.

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You're seeing Larry Gowland everywhere.

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You know, you're right, Agnes.

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Hallucinations.

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Mrs Brown, I left that in the back shed for you.

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Oh, good man, Buster. Thank you.

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Oh, sorry, Missus, am I in your way?

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Dermo?!

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You look like Sporty Barbie.

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Never mind how I look.

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What did you leave in Mammy's shed?

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Oh, a solar kit, she bought one.

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Good idea, Ma! Yeah. You can get Mark to fit it for ya.

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Or if he's busy, I'll get you to fit it.

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No way, Ma. I don't do fitting, I just promote.

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Oh, right, I'll fit it meself.

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Water, Sharon, please?

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Mammy, you are not to even think about getting up on that roof.

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Dermot, I've been doing DYY years!

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I mean it, Mammy. You're not doing it!

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Try and buckin' stop me.

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AUDIENCE WHOOP

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No way! No way, what?

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She'll be up on that roof screwing something and she'll roll off.

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These things are only kinky the first time you do them.

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Hiya, Winnie.

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Hiya, Rory.

262
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:07,960
Dermot. Dermot.

263
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,160
Hello, Mrs McGoogan. Hello, Buster.

264
00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,920
Are you all right, Mrs McGoogan? I got a letter from the council.

265
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:20,280
Me back garden is in a heap and they refuse to do anything about it.

266
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,760
Ah, sorry about that.

267
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,720
Winnie, where's Mammy?

268
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:26,960
Upstairs?

269
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,040
She's on the roof, isn't she?

270
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,160
THUDDING

271
00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:33,080
Aaargh!

272
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,240
Not any more!

273
00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:44,400
I'm fine! I'm fine!

274
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,640
Mrs McGoogan, what is it you need done with your back garden?

275
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,960
Well, the whole garden needs to be dug up

276
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,680
and the patio needs replacing.

277
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,920
Leave it with me. Oh!

278
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,720
What did I tell ya, Ma?

279
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:03,760
You're not to get up on that roof again!

280
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:06,600
I was just trying to sort out where I might fit the solars.

281
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,800
You are not fitting the solars!

282
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:10,480
Oh, leave me alone!

283
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,280
Dermo, I have something I have to do.

284
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:15,320
I'll catch you later, OK?

285
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:17,360
All right, Mark? Hiya, Buster.

286
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:19,760
Dermot. Mark.

287
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,320
Hey, Winnie. Mark.

288
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,040
Dermot, is Mammy here?

289
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,800
She's inside.

290
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,680
Winnie, you can't be letting Mammy do stuff like that.

291
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,600
What am I supposed to do?

292
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,560
You know what they say, Dermot,

293
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:39,920
don't try and sharpen a pencil up a Rottweiler's bum.

294
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:45,640
She's not in there, Dermot.

295
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:47,320
Betty said she borrowed my ladder.

296
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:48,880
Yeah, it's out in the garden.

297
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,320
THUDDING

298
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:51,880
Argh!

299
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:55,960
And so is Mammy.

300
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:00,640
Mammy!

301
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:04,480
Come on, get up! I'm fine! I'm fine!

302
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:06,560
I don't need help. I'm fine, I'm...

303
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:08,280
I'm... Come on!

304
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,440
What are you looking at?!

305
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:13,000
Never seen a young lady's knickers before?

306
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:19,080
Mammy, you're not to get up on that roof again, do you hear me?

307
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:20,520
I keep telling her.

308
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:23,000
Mammy, I'll fit the solar, but I'm busy this week.

309
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,240
Next week, OK?

310
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:25,680
Thank you, Mark.

311
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:28,920
At least I can depend on one of me sons.

312
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,480
AUDIENCE: Oooh!

313
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,560
You two should get changed, the Blubber Club are meeting

314
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:38,320
down at Foley's in half an hour. Oh, jeez, that's right, yeah.

315
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,000
Are you OK, Agnes?

316
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,800
I'm fine, I'm fine.

317
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,240
I think I banged me froufrou off the bin.

318
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,800
Oh, painful.

319
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:50,720
I was sure I could fit those feckin' solars meself.

320
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,040
Yeah, well, anything is possible. Yeah.

321
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,360
Except maybe skiing up an escalator.

322
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:02,360
Buster says he might be able to get me garden fixed.

323
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,880
Oh, fair play to him. He's not a bad lad.

324
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,320
Buster's not bad.

325
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:08,240
He was just picked before he was ripe.

326
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,440
You said he would never amount to much.

327
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:15,000
I did not say he'd never amount to much.

328
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,200
I said I'd never amount to anything.

329
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:19,680
He's a good-looking lad.

330
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,320
Oh, he's handsome, yeah.

331
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,400
But you know, Winnie, good looks can be a curse. Yeah.

332
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,040
You should count yourself lucky.

333
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:26,640
Yeah.

334
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:27,960
Hold on!

335
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,280
Come on, let's go down the club. Come on. Right.

336
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:34,160
Oh, this is the last one before Maria's big weigh-in on Friday.

337
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:37,160
Winnie, it's not about weight, it's about BMI.

338
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:38,760
Oh, yeah.

339
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,200
I think I flew BMI to Benidorm.

340
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:51,000
Hiya, Buster! Don't tell me you're joining the Blubber Club?

341
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,480
No way!

342
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,920
Sharon, do those two coppers still come in here for coffee?

343
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,280
Stephen and Mark? Yeah. Actually...

344
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,120
Coffee, lads?

345
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,520
Aye, Sharon. Two sugars.

346
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:06,520
Hello?

347
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:07,800
Eh...

348
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,840
Hang on a second, it's a really bad signal in here.

349
00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,320
How are ya? Yeah, I can hear ya.

350
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:22,240
I had to move, there was two coppers and they could hear me.

351
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,560
The stuff? I have it well hidden.

352
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,760
Nobody will ever find it.

353
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,160
I buried it in a garden.

354
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:34,840
Why do you need to know which garden?

355
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,000
I buried it in the back garden

356
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,680
of 97 James Larkin Court.

357
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:51,280
APPLAUSE

358
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,680
Oh, look, free coffee.

359
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,680
OK, troupers, let's go!

360
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,040
OK.

361
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,840
Take five and have some fluids.

362
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,880
Where's Birdie? Oh, she's outside.

363
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,880
Dermot, go and get her, would you?

364
00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:17,160
And remember to breathe.

365
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:20,080
In through the nose...

366
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,880
And out through the arse.

367
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,160
Mrs Brown!

368
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:26,840
Sorry, teacher.

369
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,200
OK, skipping time.

370
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,520
Dermot, reverse.

371
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:42,680
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

372
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,880
You did say a five-minute break. Yeah, you did.

373
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,480
OK, OK, five minutes.

374
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,480
Oh, I'm knackered, Agnes.

375
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,400
I'm starving. Yeah!

376
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:56,640
I could eat the testicles off a low-flying duck!

377
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,320
With orange sauce!

378
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,280
Winnie, you're not hallucinating.

379
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:02,640
What? What do you mean?

380
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,760
I saw him, Larry Gowland.

381
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,440
When we were going around the second lap,

382
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,440
he was just standing there staring at ya.

383
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,520
Was he at the next one? I-I don't know.

384
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:13,400
I hid for the rest of them.

385
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,280
But it was definitely him.

386
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,480
What are we going to do, Agnes?

387
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,560
OK, skipping time!

388
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,800
We are going to say we need to go to the toilet

389
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,960
and we're going to sneak out of here.

390
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,400
To try and catch him.

391
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,160
No! To get away from Maria.

392
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:37,000
Er, listen, Bono, what you are experiencing is just normal anxiety.

393
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,680
Don't be worrying about those exams.

394
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:42,400
You have worked hard, you'll sail through them.

395
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,120
Thanks, Granny.

396
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:46,120
Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Buster.

397
00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:48,880
Hiya, Ma! Hello, son.

398
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,000
All right, Bono? What's happening?

399
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,440
I was just getting some life advice from Granny.

400
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,040
AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

401
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,880
Well, let me give you a couple of tips on life.

402
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:04,520
One, never kick a man when he's down.

403
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,440
That's true.

404
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:09,880
Unless you're sure he's not going to get up again.

405
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,040
Two, never buy a smartphone

406
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,200
off someone that's out of breath.

407
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,120
And three, recognise bullshit when you hear it.

408
00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,000
That's a good one.

409
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:20,680
I'll write that one down meself.

410
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,880
I'll take that lesson.

411
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:26,480
See ya, Bono, love. See ya, Granny.

412
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:28,000
Do you want tea, boys? No, Ma.

413
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,080
I just called over cos I saw the ladder.

414
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,040
Wanted to make sure you weren't on the roof again.

415
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,640
Oh, no.

416
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:36,960
Mark's up there fitting me solars, seeing as how nobody else would.

417
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,160
AUDIENCE: Oooh!

418
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:40,760
How are ya, boys?

419
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,640
Oh, Buster, you can forget about getting me garden done.

420
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,520
Yeah? Why's that?

421
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,880
Because me garden is being done as we speak.

422
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:49,600
By the council?

423
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,720
No, believe it or not by the Gardai!

424
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,760
They said they're looking for some stuff!

425
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,600
Well, that's great, Winnie. Yeah.

426
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,000
Yeah, that is great.

427
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:06,760
OK, Ma, that's all fitted.

428
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:09,600
You should be good to go. Ah, well done, son.

429
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,120
See, Dermot, nothing to it.

430
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,600
OK, maybe a little adjustment.

431
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,160
THUD!

432
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,720
Well, you're not on the roof and Mark hasn't killed ya.

433
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:34,960
Yet!

434
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,680
See you later, Ma.

435
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:40,280
I tell ya, Agnes, the Blubber Club is really working.

436
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,960
Winnie's right, Mammy. You can see it.

437
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:45,280
Really?

438
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,080
Well, I'm feeling much better.

439
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:52,520
And I'm eating properly.

440
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,520
That bacon is nearly done, Agnes.

441
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,080
Shut up, Winnie, that's me hair.

442
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:02,760
Well, I have lost 3.1 kilos!

443
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,080
What's that in old money? 7lb!

444
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:08,360
And I am going to lose another 14 before I'm done.

445
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:11,560
Let me know what you're wearing so I can describe you to the police

446
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,480
when you're reported missing.

447
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:18,760
21 pounds, Agnes!

448
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:21,400
Oh, my God! That's three babies!

449
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:24,000
Or one and a half Dermos.

450
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,360
When is Maria going to announce

451
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:34,680
the RIP results?

452
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,800
Winnie, it's BMI.

453
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,680
And, Cathy, you have to be leading this, you have to be!

454
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,040
Oh, I don't know, Mammy.

455
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,880
I mean, it doesn't really matter, but you never know.

456
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:47,440
Yeah, no, you have to be.

457
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,120
7lb?

458
00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:51,000
You said it's not the weight.

459
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:52,480
Winnie, shut up.

460
00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:57,160
Father Damien, I think you'll be leading, you look great.

461
00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:58,960
You look good too, Dr Flynn.

462
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,800
Just "good"?

463
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,640
No, you know what I mean, you look...

464
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:06,040
Fantastic? That's it, yeah. Really good.

465
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:08,600
You did "good" again.

466
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:13,080
Dermo, I think you'll win this here.

467
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:15,280
You put in so much effort.

468
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:18,760
Thanks, Buster. Well, all you can do is try.

469
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:21,360
Sharon, two packets of prawn cocktail.

470
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:25,880
Dermot, if you are leading this, I will eat my...

471
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:27,760
..tool box.

472
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,600
I didn't know what was coming there!

473
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,400
Seriously, Mark, you haven't seen how hard he's trained.

474
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,160
You must be exhausted.

475
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,160
You just have to keep going, Buster.

476
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,120
Sharon, make that three packets.

477
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:43,760
Did you lose anything, Birdie?

478
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:45,240
Yeah, me rosary beads.

479
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,120
And the will to live.

480
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,840
I don't know why yous two do this anyway.

481
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,200
There's not a pick on you.

482
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:56,360
Oh, well, somebody had to lead these slackers.

483
00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:59,240
Aye, and I was working out anyway, plus I wanted to support Maria.

484
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,120
Right, I'd better announce these.

485
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,160
Excuse, me everybody!

486
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,920
Sharon...

487
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:14,360
ALL THREE: Quiet!

488
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,520
Right, well, er, here are the results.

489
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:19,760
And before I get started,

490
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:22,120
I'd just like to confirm that Birdie Flanagan

491
00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:24,960
has been disqualified for sleeping during the sit-ups.

492
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:28,800
I closed me eyes for a second.

493
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,520
I think it was the snoring.

494
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,760
Well, then, let's see how your BMI has changed.

495
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:40,120
And in no particular order, Betty Brown,

496
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:41,960
0.00.

497
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:44,360
Well, she'd nothing to lose, nothing to lose.

498
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:46,480
Mrs McGoogan,

499
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,360
minus 0.05.

500
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:50,440
Well done! Well done, Winnie!

501
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,160
Father Damien,

502
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:54,000
minus 0.07.

503
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:55,560
Yes!

504
00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:59,960
Dr Flynn... Wait for it.

505
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:01,800
minus 0.01.

506
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:03,200
Yeah... What?!

507
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:06,960
Mrs Brown... Oh!

508
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,600
minus 0.06.

509
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:12,040
Oh, I wasn't expecting that!

510
00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:14,280
One more than you.

511
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,400
Well done, Mammy.

512
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:17,640
Cathy Brown...

513
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:21,280
..minus 0.11.

514
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:22,920
Oooh!

515
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,480
I'm mortified.

516
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:27,920
Don't be silly!

517
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:29,240
I demand a recount!

518
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:30,880
Ah, sit down!

519
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:34,360
And finally, Dermot Brown...

520
00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,120
Here we go, skinny boy.

521
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:39,320
..plus 27.

522
00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:43,000
Plus?

523
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:45,080
Oh, yeah, Dermot wins!

524
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:53,280
Oh, you must be really pleased with that result, Cathy.

525
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:55,760
Oh, I am, Winnie. Really, I am.

526
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:58,000
AUDIENCE: Ooh!

527
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:04,760
Winnie, someone has a stalker.

528
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:06,880
Is it Father Damien?

529
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:10,160
His pants are really tight.

530
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,400
Larry Gowland just walked into the bar.

531
00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:20,640
What's up?

532
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,040
At the bar...

533
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:23,840
Don't look!

534
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:25,760
Larry Gowland just walked in.

535
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:27,240
Oh, I see.

536
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:30,320
Here, fuck this.

537
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,080
Excuse me?

538
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:38,200
What do you want?

539
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:40,200
Yes, what do you want? What's your game?

540
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:41,800
Yeah.

541
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:44,800
No game, I'm just standing here

542
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:47,040
thinking about my lost love.

543
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:50,480
The most beautiful girl that I've ever seen.

544
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:53,760
Well, Winnie is married now, and that's the end of it.

545
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,400
So the best thing you can do now is drink up your drink

546
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:57,600
and get the hell out of here.

547
00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:00,280
Winnie? I was never interested in Winnie.

548
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:05,280
I wanted you, Agnes,

549
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:07,840
couldn't you see that?

550
00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:12,000
No, I didn't see it then and I don't see it now, so the best thing

551
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,920
you can do is finish your drink and get the hell out of Finglas.

552
00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:17,760
AUDIENCE: Awww!

553
00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:20,280
I hope Agnes is not being too hard on Larry.

554
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:22,280
I mean, I did break his heart once.

555
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:25,880
Something's happening.

556
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,560
Agnes, what did he say?

557
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:37,600
He said that he'd never loved anybody as much as he loved you.

558
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:39,200
AUDIENCE: Awww!

559
00:26:40,360 --> 00:26:42,080
And that you broke his heart.

560
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:44,000
It's true. I did.

561
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:46,280
And I feel awful.

562
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:49,800
Well, I said to him, I said, "Look, Winnie is married now,

563
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,560
"as beautiful as she is, she's married

564
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:56,200
"and the best thing he could do is pack his bags and go and piss...

565
00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:59,520
"get out, get out of Finglas.

566
00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:02,680
"Find another woman."

567
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,480
I'll get you a cider, Mammy. Thanks, love.

568
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,320
God love him.

569
00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:10,520
I mean, it's a lot to be carrying around all these years.

570
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:14,240
I did break his heart.

571
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:16,560
Sorry, I'm a bit lost here.

572
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:20,040
You broke someone's heart?

573
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:22,720
I did.

574
00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:24,760
His guide dog must have been upset!

575
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:30,000
His guide dog!

576
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:36,000
As they say, his past is catching up with him

577
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,600
and the cows are coming home to roost.

578
00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:43,720
No, Winnie, nobody says that.

579
00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:50,760
So, another year goes out and a new one comes in.

580
00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:52,440
Ha-ha!

581
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:56,360
What is it about the New Year that makes us all think we're fat?

582
00:27:56,360 --> 00:28:00,560
The gyms of the world make a fortune from people who pay in advance,

583
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:04,120
go for two weeks, and then never see it again,

584
00:28:04,120 --> 00:28:05,960
till the next New Year.

585
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:09,320
I do my own workouts.

586
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,760
Oooh!

587
00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:16,440
I don't know if this is right,

588
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:18,600
but it makes your eyes roll in your head!

589
00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:21,520
Goodnight!

590
00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:26,080
# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

591
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:31,960
# As the best mum of all, she wears the crown

592
00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,280
# Mother hen watching all the chicks

593
00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:39,280
# Sassy old lady, full of tricks

594
00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:44,680
# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

595
00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:48,560
# She's Mrs Brown

596
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:51,040
# That's Mrs Brown

597
00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:53,800
# Oh, Mrs Brown. #

598
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:55,080
Goodnight!

599
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:58,960
Ha-ha ha-ha!