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00:00:02,025 --> 00:00:04,526
So, you know in horror movies
when the girl's like,
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00:00:04,595 --> 00:00:06,968
"Oh, my god.
There's something in the basement."
3
00:00:07,037 --> 00:00:08,904
"Let me just run down there
in my underwear
4
00:00:08,989 --> 00:00:10,622
and see what's going on
in the dark."
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00:00:10,690 --> 00:00:12,408
And you're like,
"What is your problem?
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00:00:12,492 --> 00:00:14,410
Call the police."
And she's like, "Okay,"
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00:00:14,494 --> 00:00:16,996
but it's too late, because
she's already getting murdered?
8
00:00:17,047 --> 00:00:20,165
Well, uh, my story's
kind of like that.
9
00:00:21,716 --> 00:00:23,368
It's a surprise for Spencer.
10
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I'm just gonna walk in,
and I'm gonna
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drop my coat on the ground.
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He says he has this fantasy
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that I'm a stripper
with a heart of gold
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and he's helping me
put myself through college.
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He didn't say the college part,
did he?
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Um, no. I wanted to create a
three-dimensional sex character.
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Really?
18
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What's your stripper name?
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Rebecca Johnson.
20
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Your stripper name's
Rebecca Johnson?
21
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Boobies Johnson.
22
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Two Boobs Johnson.
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Look at you, in the back
of a cab, totally naked.
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I am so proud of you.
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Hello.
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I came home early.
27
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Jess! What...
28
00:01:04,343 --> 00:01:07,095
Who's Jess?
29
00:01:07,179 --> 00:01:10,431
You're talking to Tiger Boobs.
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Oh...
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- ♪ Bu-bubba-bubba-bubba ♪
- Uh...
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♪ I'm doing sexy things ♪
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♪ With a pillow ♪
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Just...
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00:01:21,777 --> 00:01:23,194
♪ She's doing sexy stuff ♪
36
00:01:23,245 --> 00:01:24,612
♪ To the plant right... ♪
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Okay.
♪ I'll pick that up ♪
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♪ Later ♪
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♪ Who's that girl? ♪
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♪ Who's that girl...? ♪
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♪ It's Jess. ♪
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Oh.
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So, that happened.
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That's why I need
a new apartment.
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I'm sorry,
what was the question again?
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Do you have any pets?
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♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
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♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
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00:02:00,766 --> 00:02:01,933
♪ It's Jess. ♪
50
00:02:02,066 --> 00:02:06,133
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
51
00:02:06,338 --> 00:02:07,639
You know what's funny?
52
00:02:07,706 --> 00:02:09,724
When I saw your ad
on Craigslist,
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I thought you were women.
54
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We're all... that's...
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Why would you think that?
That's crazy.
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I mean, what...
57
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Schmidt wrote the ad.
Oh, I guess,
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it was something about
the words you used.
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It was like, uh, like,
"sun-soaked" and "beige-y."
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What are you doing?
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What about these?
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These look beige-y to you?
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Sorry.
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I'm his trainer, so, uh,
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it's kind of the house
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that Coach built right here.
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What are we
looking at here?
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That's baby smooth.
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This is LLS.
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Ladies Love Schmidt.
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What?! What did you just say?
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Go put a dollar
in the jar right now.
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- Are you serious?
- Yeah. Now.
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Damn it.
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LLS?
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00:02:49,748 --> 00:02:51,032
What is wrong
with you?
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This place is beautiful.
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Got so much light.
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Spencer hated light.
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It's hard to say his name.
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It's okay.
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Nick knows. He got dumped.
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Dumped.
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Yeah, I got dumped.
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I can't hear you! That means
we're not breaking up!
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Yes, we're
breaking up.
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- No! La-la-la-la-la!
- I'm breaking up with you.
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I need some
time away...
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Yeah, I got dumped.
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00:03:12,805 --> 00:03:14,105
She dumped me.
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And I'm over it.
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Okay, it was
six months ago, guys.
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Get past it.
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I don't even know why we're
still talking about it.
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Why's everybody looking at me?
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You know what,
I want to live here.
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Actually, I-I still
have some questions.
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I mean, like, no offense, you
know, but we barely know you.
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Yeah, okay, yeah.
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So, um, full disclosure,
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I'm kind of emotional right now
'cause of the breakup,
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so I'll probably be
watching Dirty Dancing
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at least six
or seven times.
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A day.
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Um, I'm a teacher,
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so I bring home a lot
of Popsicle sticks,
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stuff like that.
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Also, I like to sing
to myself, a lot.
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♪ A lot. ♪
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I'm tired of living
with my friend.
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She's a model.
All her friends are models.
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00:03:59,651 --> 00:04:01,552
Uh, how soon can you move in?
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00:04:01,603 --> 00:04:03,021
- Actually, Schmidt, slow up.
- Not happening.
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00:04:03,072 --> 00:04:04,772
Okay, uh, could you
give us a second?
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I just got to... got
to talk to my boys.
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"My boys"
is not a thing.
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- My bros, okay?
- Okay, douche bag jar.
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What? You're my bros.
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I'm gonna say yes.
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Her friends are models.
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Okay, you guys? Models.
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I say no.
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I need to be able
to come home from work,
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sit on my couch
and let my beans out,
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let them breathe.
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00:04:21,957 --> 00:04:23,541
Nick, it's all
you, buddy.
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Well, first let me say,
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00:04:25,243 --> 00:04:27,345
I think you guys make
some really interesting points,
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00:04:27,412 --> 00:04:29,514
points that I respect,
but I will say this.
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I have lived with a woman--
Caroline, as you guys know--
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and so I know
that there are pros
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00:04:33,218 --> 00:04:34,852
and I know that there
are real cons, guys.
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- Nick, you're weak!
- Okay, pro...
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00:04:36,388 --> 00:04:37,438
they smell nice.
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Cons...
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00:04:38,924 --> 00:04:41,059
every once in a while,
the mood changes
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and you're not sure why.
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00:04:42,528 --> 00:04:44,112
They'll ruin your life
if you let them.
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They'll break down
your will to live.
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Pros-- they're really
good at folding.
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00:04:47,649 --> 00:04:49,367
- Make a decision!
- I'm sorry, you know.
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But, like, another pro, like...
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- Oh, don't do it.
- I'm gonna.
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Put it down.
Don't hood me.
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You guys don't know
what you're talking about.
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00:04:55,991 --> 00:04:57,458
- Please don't hood me.
- I know what I'm talking about.
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Okay.
Pushed him too hard.
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00:04:58,994 --> 00:05:00,578
We did push him too
hard. How about this?
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00:05:00,629 --> 00:05:02,380
Executive decision.
She's in.
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Yay, I'm in!
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00:05:09,471 --> 00:05:11,973
You are not
gonna regret this.
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♪ The time of my life ♪
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00:05:15,978 --> 00:05:20,448
♪ No, I never
felt like this before ♪
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♪ Yes, I swear it's the truth ♪
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Ow!
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What have you done, Schmidt?
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00:05:30,772 --> 00:05:32,173
I gotta go, Mom.
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No, I'm not watching
Dirty Dancing.
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00:05:36,180 --> 00:05:38,299
No, I don't think so.
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Hey, are you gonna murder me
'cause you're
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00:05:40,703 --> 00:05:42,003
a stranger I met
on the Internet?
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00:05:42,054 --> 00:05:42,971
Yes, I am.
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00:05:43,038 --> 00:05:44,305
He says no.
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No, look, I got to go.
Okay.
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All right, love you. Bye.
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So the Wild West
party's on Saturday.
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I'm trying
to get us in,
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but you may need
to call Caroline.
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- I'm not calling Caroline.
- Nick, hear me out...
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Shh.
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♪ Had the time of my life ♪
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We are in this situation
because of you.
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I hate your face, Spencer...
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It has been
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00:06:05,528 --> 00:06:07,278
a week of this madness.
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00:06:07,363 --> 00:06:08,997
I'm going crazy, Schmidt.
I can't take it.
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00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:12,367
Know what, I got this.
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♪ Now I finally found someone
to stand by me... ♪
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00:06:14,570 --> 00:06:15,954
Hi, Coach.
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00:06:17,038 --> 00:06:18,072
Stop it.
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00:06:19,124 --> 00:06:20,158
Stop.
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00:06:21,543 --> 00:06:22,627
Schmidt.
183
00:06:22,712 --> 00:06:24,045
Okay, all right.
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00:06:24,096 --> 00:06:26,181
I got us into this,
I'm gonna get us out.
185
00:06:26,748 --> 00:06:28,082
Jess, I'm gonna
take the remote.
186
00:06:29,185 --> 00:06:30,752
All right, all right.
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00:06:30,803 --> 00:06:32,587
Hey, Jess,
how you doing?
188
00:06:34,557 --> 00:06:36,024
You look fantastic.
189
00:06:36,092 --> 00:06:38,005
Listen, what if you came
out with us tonight?
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00:06:38,060 --> 00:06:39,294
You know, after work.
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00:06:39,861 --> 00:06:41,613
You know, we'll fix you
up, we'll take you out,
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00:06:41,697 --> 00:06:42,864
we'll get you a rebound.
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00:06:43,931 --> 00:06:44,866
A rebound?
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00:06:44,933 --> 00:06:45,900
Yeah.
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00:06:46,451 --> 00:06:48,119
I don't know if I'm ready.
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00:06:48,187 --> 00:06:49,604
You're totally ready for it.
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00:06:49,655 --> 00:06:51,072
I'll take you through
the whole thing.
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00:06:51,123 --> 00:06:52,791
You know, I'll-I'll be
like your guide.
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00:06:53,875 --> 00:06:56,577
Like Gandalf
through Middle-earth?
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00:06:56,628 --> 00:06:58,279
Probably not like... okay.
201
00:06:58,330 --> 00:06:59,880
First of all,
let's just, let's take
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00:06:59,948 --> 00:07:01,282
the Lord of the Rings
references,
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00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:03,051
let's put them in
a deep dark cave,
204
00:07:03,118 --> 00:07:04,836
okay, where no one's
gonna find them, ever.
205
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:06,254
Except Sméagol.
206
00:07:06,305 --> 00:07:07,889
He lives in a cave.
207
00:07:07,956 --> 00:07:09,424
You know what,
Jess, come on.
208
00:07:09,492 --> 00:07:11,092
Let's just take the head
off-off the couch.
209
00:07:11,843 --> 00:07:12,560
Come on.
210
00:07:12,628 --> 00:07:13,795
Sit up, girl.
There you go.
211
00:07:13,846 --> 00:07:14,979
Look at that.
212
00:07:15,064 --> 00:07:16,898
Doesn't that
feel good?
213
00:07:16,965 --> 00:07:18,850
There we go.
214
00:07:18,934 --> 00:07:21,969
I think that sounds nice.
215
00:07:22,021 --> 00:07:25,306
♪ She's going out
to find a rebound ♪
216
00:07:25,357 --> 00:07:27,475
♪ Who's that girl?
It's Jess. ♪
217
00:07:27,526 --> 00:07:31,412
Wait, did you just make up
a theme song for yourself?
218
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,665
I'm-I'm gonna
fix it.
219
00:07:34,749 --> 00:07:35,533
I'm not calling
220
00:07:35,601 --> 00:07:37,786
my ex-girlfriend
to get you into a party.
221
00:07:37,837 --> 00:07:39,754
This party is everything to me.
222
00:07:39,822 --> 00:07:41,956
Please, Nick. We go every year.
223
00:07:42,007 --> 00:07:44,292
You have no idea
what I'm going through at work.
224
00:07:44,343 --> 00:07:45,827
I'm just trying to do my work!
225
00:07:45,878 --> 00:07:47,128
I'm trying to do
a good job here!
226
00:07:47,179 --> 00:07:48,429
Nice tie.
227
00:07:48,497 --> 00:07:49,964
Can I borrow
a tampon?
228
00:07:53,469 --> 00:07:54,502
Schmidt, I'm not
calling her.
229
00:07:54,553 --> 00:07:55,720
Listen to me.
230
00:07:55,805 --> 00:07:57,522
Knowing every year
that I will be
231
00:07:57,606 --> 00:07:59,340
going to the Wild Wild West
Charity Auction for Poverty
232
00:07:59,391 --> 00:08:00,441
reminds me that
233
00:08:00,509 --> 00:08:01,559
I'm still a man,
234
00:08:01,644 --> 00:08:03,611
and I can still
motorboat a hot girl
235
00:08:03,679 --> 00:08:06,314
who is also a member
of the Cherokee Nation,
236
00:08:06,365 --> 00:08:09,400
which is not racist,
because it is for a good cause.
237
00:08:09,485 --> 00:08:11,152
- Somebody's in here.
- We're leaving in ten minutes.
238
00:08:11,203 --> 00:08:12,120
Did you shave your legs?
239
00:08:12,187 --> 00:08:13,855
I will now.
240
00:08:13,923 --> 00:08:15,757
Front and backs?
241
00:08:15,825 --> 00:08:17,125
- Yes.
- Thank you.
242
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:18,543
I'm gonna kill
myself now.
243
00:08:18,627 --> 00:08:19,494
Just call Caroline.
You call her
244
00:08:19,545 --> 00:08:20,995
all the time when you're drunk.
245
00:08:21,046 --> 00:08:22,497
I don't know to what
you are referring.
246
00:08:22,548 --> 00:08:25,667
Hello, Caroline.
247
00:08:25,718 --> 00:08:27,752
I still love you.
248
00:08:27,837 --> 00:08:30,338
So much.
249
00:08:30,389 --> 00:08:33,591
So... much.
250
00:08:33,676 --> 00:08:35,376
I'm not calling her.
251
00:08:35,427 --> 00:08:37,378
Schmidt, I know you really
want to go to this party,
252
00:08:37,429 --> 00:08:39,264
but wouldn't it be better
253
00:08:39,348 --> 00:08:42,901
to find a girl who you really
care about to motorboat?
254
00:08:42,985 --> 00:08:45,887
Then maybe, if
you're super lucky,
255
00:08:45,938 --> 00:08:49,557
you might find a girl who'll
motorboat you right back.
256
00:08:49,625 --> 00:08:50,825
I don't think she knows
what motorboating is.
257
00:08:53,028 --> 00:08:54,829
Jess, we are
leaving in five.
258
00:08:54,897 --> 00:08:55,997
Hey.
259
00:08:56,064 --> 00:08:58,065
Hey, Coach, what's...
260
00:08:59,201 --> 00:09:02,086
Sorry.
261
00:09:02,171 --> 00:09:06,007
Uh, my boss says that I don't
know how to talk to women,
262
00:09:06,074 --> 00:09:07,175
which is ridiculous.
263
00:09:07,242 --> 00:09:08,877
Spin, woman! Spin!
264
00:09:08,928 --> 00:09:10,211
I am spinning!
265
00:09:10,262 --> 00:09:12,213
- Go!
- You're so mean!
266
00:09:12,264 --> 00:09:13,965
I'm not mean, I'm
trying to help you!
267
00:09:14,049 --> 00:09:15,767
I'm trying
to help you!
268
00:09:15,851 --> 00:09:18,920
So I was wondering if you could,
uh, help me out with that.
269
00:09:18,971 --> 00:09:20,939
Sure, sure, absolutely.
270
00:09:21,023 --> 00:09:24,309
Um, well, first of all,
271
00:09:24,393 --> 00:09:26,477
maybe think about what women
like to talk about,
272
00:09:26,562 --> 00:09:28,980
you know, like...
use me for practice.
273
00:09:29,064 --> 00:09:31,933
All right, um...
274
00:09:31,984 --> 00:09:33,651
Shopping.
275
00:09:33,736 --> 00:09:36,621
Is that fun... for you guys?
276
00:09:36,705 --> 00:09:38,539
Yeah. Shopping's fun.
277
00:09:38,607 --> 00:09:41,075
Uh, the other day,
I bought a pair of jeggings.
278
00:09:41,126 --> 00:09:44,445
They look like jeans,
but they're really leggings.
279
00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:47,498
Uh, uh...
280
00:09:47,583 --> 00:09:50,084
You... I...
281
00:09:51,620 --> 00:09:53,304
Who cares?!
282
00:09:53,389 --> 00:09:54,422
Sorry.
283
00:09:55,473 --> 00:09:57,842
Um, good job.
284
00:09:57,927 --> 00:10:00,895
A couple things
you could work on.
285
00:10:00,963 --> 00:10:02,096
Uh, one,
286
00:10:02,147 --> 00:10:03,765
lowering your voice.
287
00:10:03,816 --> 00:10:05,149
Right on.
288
00:10:05,234 --> 00:10:06,633
Um, two, listening.
289
00:10:07,970 --> 00:10:09,854
Uh, three, rage.
290
00:10:09,939 --> 00:10:11,138
Absolutely.
291
00:10:11,190 --> 00:10:12,473
Um, four...
292
00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:14,575
Your hair is on fire.
293
00:10:19,365 --> 00:10:21,248
Beers and a rosé.
294
00:10:21,816 --> 00:10:25,202
Pink wine makes me slutty.
295
00:10:25,838 --> 00:10:28,289
Whoa, cute guy alert.
296
00:10:31,093 --> 00:10:32,827
Okay, Jess, game time.
297
00:10:32,878 --> 00:10:34,379
Let's do this.
298
00:10:34,463 --> 00:10:35,430
You want to forget
about Spencer,
299
00:10:35,497 --> 00:10:36,497
you're gonna have to
300
00:10:36,548 --> 00:10:40,018
do some very, very bad things...
301
00:10:40,102 --> 00:10:42,003
with that man right over there.
302
00:10:42,054 --> 00:10:43,554
How bad?
303
00:10:43,639 --> 00:10:45,172
Real bad, Jess.
304
00:10:45,724 --> 00:10:46,690
Real bad.
305
00:10:46,775 --> 00:10:48,676
Like a make out sesh,
no tops?
306
00:10:49,227 --> 00:10:52,030
Okay, this is what,
this is what's gonna happen.
307
00:10:52,114 --> 00:10:54,816
You're gonna go over there and
you're gonna stand next to him
308
00:10:54,867 --> 00:10:55,850
and you're gonna smile.
309
00:10:57,536 --> 00:10:58,953
You're not gonna smile
like that.
310
00:11:00,521 --> 00:11:02,789
You look like
a hungry badger.
311
00:11:03,742 --> 00:11:04,742
Stop that.
312
00:11:04,827 --> 00:11:06,210
Okay, I got this, I got this.
313
00:11:06,295 --> 00:11:07,662
You-you got it. Just
go make it happen.
314
00:11:07,713 --> 00:11:08,796
Game on! Grind it out!
315
00:11:08,864 --> 00:11:10,048
Go do it!
Grind it out!
316
00:11:14,553 --> 00:11:16,037
Hey, sailor.
317
00:11:18,307 --> 00:11:19,757
Oh, all right.
All right.
318
00:11:19,842 --> 00:11:20,708
That's okay. Maybe
he didn't hear that.
319
00:11:20,759 --> 00:11:21,726
You can come back from that.
320
00:11:21,810 --> 00:11:22,727
You're all good.
321
00:11:22,811 --> 00:11:25,430
Holy Schmidt! It's Schmidt!
322
00:11:25,514 --> 00:11:27,648
Oh, it is all about
the Benjamin!
323
00:11:27,716 --> 00:11:29,017
- That's right.
- What's up?!
324
00:11:29,068 --> 00:11:30,234
- What's up, man?
- All right.
325
00:11:30,319 --> 00:11:31,319
P-Funk, what's up, dude?
326
00:11:31,886 --> 00:11:32,820
This is Coach.
327
00:11:32,887 --> 00:11:33,887
What's up, Coach?
328
00:11:39,394 --> 00:11:40,894
You like parties?
329
00:11:40,946 --> 00:11:42,029
Don't talk to me.
330
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:43,531
Yeah, okay.
331
00:11:43,582 --> 00:11:44,832
You know who likes
to party hard, right?
332
00:11:44,899 --> 00:11:46,400
Yeah. So you coming on Saturday?
333
00:11:46,451 --> 00:11:48,402
I hear there's gonna be
some fine ladies there.
334
00:11:48,453 --> 00:11:49,954
Ah, maybe, yeah. I heard
335
00:11:50,038 --> 00:11:51,372
it's not gonna be
that good this year. No?
336
00:11:51,423 --> 00:11:52,540
Are you not on the list?
337
00:11:52,591 --> 00:11:53,757
Man, I'm on the list.
338
00:11:53,842 --> 00:11:54,792
- You know that.
- Ah.
339
00:11:54,876 --> 00:11:55,926
That sucks, man.
340
00:11:57,011 --> 00:11:58,261
Keep your head up, all right?
341
00:11:58,346 --> 00:11:59,430
All right, player.
342
00:11:59,514 --> 00:12:00,914
Do your thing, man.
It was good seeing you.
343
00:12:00,966 --> 00:12:01,682
Take the
sleazy, man.
344
00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:03,917
All right, man.
P-Funk always.
345
00:12:03,969 --> 00:12:06,420
- Nick, please.
- Why are you friends with those guys?
346
00:12:06,471 --> 00:12:08,439
Nick, please get me in the
party. I'm begging you. Please.
347
00:12:08,523 --> 00:12:09,807
No, I'm not calling Caroline.
348
00:12:09,891 --> 00:12:11,008
Do you know what a cute
cowboy I am?
349
00:12:11,076 --> 00:12:12,142
Do you have any idea?
350
00:12:14,112 --> 00:12:16,480
Well, I guess
I can't hide my crazy.
351
00:12:16,565 --> 00:12:18,932
I don't think
you're trying that hard.
352
00:12:18,984 --> 00:12:22,236
Well, I've never really been
great at this stuff, so...
353
00:12:22,287 --> 00:12:25,489
♪ What if God was one of us ♪
354
00:12:25,574 --> 00:12:27,825
Make it stop!
355
00:12:28,409 --> 00:12:30,160
♪ Just a slob
like one of us... ♪
356
00:12:31,245 --> 00:12:32,296
Look at us.
357
00:12:32,380 --> 00:12:33,780
Couple of losers.
358
00:12:33,832 --> 00:12:36,283
We both got dumped. Geesh.
359
00:12:36,334 --> 00:12:37,784
I'm fine.
360
00:12:37,836 --> 00:12:39,587
Six months ago, so...
361
00:12:39,638 --> 00:12:41,121
Do you know why she dumped you?
362
00:12:41,172 --> 00:12:42,673
I mean, she must have hurt you
pretty bad.
363
00:12:42,757 --> 00:12:44,174
No, no. It made no difference
to me.
364
00:12:44,259 --> 00:12:45,809
I just wanted
to set her trash cans on fire.
365
00:12:45,894 --> 00:12:47,261
So you were always just, like,
366
00:12:47,312 --> 00:12:49,013
wondering, like, "What was it?
367
00:12:49,097 --> 00:12:50,464
Was there something
I could have done differently?"
368
00:12:52,567 --> 00:12:54,902
You know what happens to people
who keep it all inside.
369
00:12:54,969 --> 00:12:58,238
They get old, and they get sad,
and they get weird,
370
00:12:58,306 --> 00:12:59,857
and then you're the old man,
and you're yelling at the kids
371
00:12:59,924 --> 00:13:01,475
who are running
across your yard.
372
00:13:01,526 --> 00:13:02,977
And you're telling them,
373
00:13:03,028 --> 00:13:05,579
"Don't run across my yard.
My life's filled with regret."
374
00:13:06,447 --> 00:13:07,498
You know, you
can't just
375
00:13:08,582 --> 00:13:09,483
pretend like it didn't happen.
376
00:13:09,534 --> 00:13:12,169
Or I could pretend
to be more like you,
377
00:13:12,253 --> 00:13:15,155
Jess, and live
on a sparkly rainbow
378
00:13:15,206 --> 00:13:18,825
drive a unicorn around,
and just sing all the time.
379
00:13:18,877 --> 00:13:21,011
Yeah, I think you should
sing all the time.
380
00:13:21,096 --> 00:13:23,097
No, I was being mean.
I'm not gonna do that, Jess.
381
00:13:23,164 --> 00:13:25,015
Why not? It's fun.
382
00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:26,667
Because I have a penis.
383
00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:29,269
♪ My name is Nick,
I have a penis ♪
384
00:13:29,337 --> 00:13:32,839
♪ And I'm not gonna let
any feelings out. ♪
385
00:13:32,891 --> 00:13:35,008
Okay, Jess,
your left boob is resting
386
00:13:35,060 --> 00:13:36,677
on a plate of chicken wings.
387
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,679
Yeah. I know.
388
00:13:40,231 --> 00:13:41,398
Hey.
389
00:13:41,483 --> 00:13:43,317
I'm Peter.
390
00:13:43,385 --> 00:13:45,486
What are you drinking?
391
00:13:45,537 --> 00:13:47,237
Oh, I'll have
another pink wine.
392
00:13:47,322 --> 00:13:48,872
I like your glasses.
393
00:13:48,957 --> 00:13:50,457
They help me see.
394
00:13:53,161 --> 00:13:55,245
She's doing all right, hmm?
395
00:13:55,330 --> 00:13:56,714
Schmidt stain!
396
00:13:56,798 --> 00:13:58,699
Hey, man, I was thinking,
397
00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:00,534
it's probably better that
you don't come to the party.
398
00:14:00,585 --> 00:14:02,202
That means more breasts for me.
399
00:14:03,304 --> 00:14:05,089
You better step down, son.
400
00:14:05,173 --> 00:14:06,557
You're taking this whole thing
too far. I'm ser...
401
00:14:06,641 --> 00:14:08,008
Hold me back, Coach.
I'm-I'm ser...
402
00:14:08,059 --> 00:14:09,760
Hold me back. Hold me back!
403
00:14:09,844 --> 00:14:12,045
Coach, would you please
hold me back? - No.
404
00:14:12,097 --> 00:14:13,814
Schmidt, we're going
to the party. Relax.
405
00:14:13,881 --> 00:14:15,215
Nice. See you there, Schmitty.
406
00:14:15,266 --> 00:14:16,734
Ah, totally, bro.
407
00:14:16,818 --> 00:14:18,318
Yeah, I texted Caroline.
408
00:14:18,386 --> 00:14:19,520
You texted Caroline?
409
00:14:19,571 --> 00:14:21,221
It's no big deal.
It's behind me.
410
00:14:21,272 --> 00:14:22,723
It's in the past, so...
411
00:14:22,774 --> 00:14:24,908
Thank you.
I love you, bro.
412
00:14:24,993 --> 00:14:27,227
Yeah, there it is.
413
00:14:27,278 --> 00:14:28,996
- Did you just kiss my arm a little?
- You bet I did. It felt right.
414
00:14:29,063 --> 00:14:30,664
So, I'll see you
tomorrow, sailor.
415
00:14:30,732 --> 00:14:34,334
Yeah, cool.
Call... Cool.
416
00:14:34,402 --> 00:14:36,236
What's happening
tomorrow, sailor?
417
00:14:36,287 --> 00:14:38,255
You know what?
You guys were totally right.
418
00:14:38,339 --> 00:14:40,457
I talked in short sentences,
I didn't sing,
419
00:14:40,542 --> 00:14:43,410
I laughed, I smiled,
I said I needed rebound sex,
420
00:14:43,461 --> 00:14:46,130
and it totally worked.
He asked me out.
421
00:14:46,814 --> 00:14:47,848
Dinner!
422
00:14:47,915 --> 00:14:49,416
With food.
423
00:14:49,467 --> 00:14:50,934
♪ Ooh, ooh! ♪
424
00:14:51,019 --> 00:14:52,553
- I'm so proud of you.
- You got it, girl.
425
00:14:52,604 --> 00:14:54,688
- You did good.
- Yeah, you put it diz-out!
426
00:14:54,756 --> 00:14:56,140
- ♪ A date. ♪
- Mm.
427
00:14:56,224 --> 00:14:59,259
♪ It's Jess,
she's on fire ♪
428
00:15:00,310 --> 00:15:02,561
♪ She's on fire. ♪
429
00:15:02,647 --> 00:15:04,231
She's got some big ass panties.
430
00:15:04,282 --> 00:15:05,482
All right,
should we tell her?
431
00:15:05,567 --> 00:15:07,100
I think we let her
have her moment.
432
00:15:16,701 --> 00:15:18,435
Do the shoes fit, Jess?
433
00:15:19,971 --> 00:15:21,171
I'm okay.
434
00:15:21,239 --> 00:15:23,140
What, are you
a model or something?
435
00:15:23,208 --> 00:15:25,075
Yeah.
436
00:15:25,143 --> 00:15:28,679
Yes. Mostly print
right now, so...
437
00:15:28,747 --> 00:15:30,130
What is it, Cece?
438
00:15:30,198 --> 00:15:32,066
Cecilia?
439
00:15:32,133 --> 00:15:34,301
Checilia?
440
00:15:34,386 --> 00:15:35,969
Tell me, what are
your hopes and dreams?
441
00:15:36,054 --> 00:15:37,521
You know, are you warm?
I'm a little...
442
00:15:37,589 --> 00:15:38,955
I'm a little warm right now.
443
00:15:39,007 --> 00:15:40,841
- Don't, Schmidt.
- All right.
444
00:15:40,925 --> 00:15:42,309
Oh, yeah.
There it is.
445
00:15:43,728 --> 00:15:45,312
Please put your shirt back on.
446
00:15:45,397 --> 00:15:47,564
Please don't make me laugh
at you.
447
00:15:47,632 --> 00:15:49,349
Can I hit you up
with some tea?
448
00:15:49,417 --> 00:15:51,485
A little herb tea.
449
00:15:51,569 --> 00:15:53,136
Oh, my God.
450
00:15:53,188 --> 00:15:54,971
How good is that?
For real? What?
451
00:15:55,023 --> 00:15:56,740
Little p-mint tea?
452
00:15:56,808 --> 00:15:58,141
Yum, right?
453
00:15:58,193 --> 00:16:00,360
Hot, sweet.
454
00:16:00,428 --> 00:16:02,029
Little tea bag action.
455
00:16:03,131 --> 00:16:05,499
And, I wasn't...
456
00:16:05,583 --> 00:16:07,017
I wasn't talking about...
457
00:16:07,085 --> 00:16:08,535
There it is.
458
00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:10,120
Douche bag.
459
00:16:10,171 --> 00:16:11,872
Listen to me, you guys.
460
00:16:11,956 --> 00:16:13,841
Jess is by far
the best person that I know,
461
00:16:13,925 --> 00:16:16,460
so, if you guys let anything
happen to her, I'm gonna
462
00:16:16,511 --> 00:16:18,929
come here and crazy murder you.
463
00:16:20,398 --> 00:16:22,599
I'm gonna be honest with you.
464
00:16:22,667 --> 00:16:25,335
I did not hear a word
that you just said,
465
00:16:25,403 --> 00:16:26,970
'cause I can kind of see
your party hats right now.
466
00:16:27,038 --> 00:16:29,556
- There you go.
- Jess!
467
00:16:29,641 --> 00:16:31,024
Yeah, man...
468
00:16:31,109 --> 00:16:33,110
Why are you
talking like this?
469
00:16:35,846 --> 00:16:37,565
I fell off my heels.
470
00:16:37,632 --> 00:16:40,067
Okay, all right.
Now, come on.
471
00:16:40,151 --> 00:16:42,202
- Get up.
- Oh, what am I doing?
472
00:16:42,287 --> 00:16:44,071
I can't go on a date.
What if it's horrible?
473
00:16:44,155 --> 00:16:46,523
What if I have nothing
to talk about?
474
00:16:46,574 --> 00:16:47,958
Then you go to the bathroom,
and you call me,
475
00:16:48,025 --> 00:16:49,710
and you tell me all about it.
476
00:16:49,794 --> 00:16:52,279
Maybe I just shouldn't go.
477
00:16:52,347 --> 00:16:53,997
Babe, you got hurt.
478
00:16:54,048 --> 00:16:55,666
That doesn't mean
you stop trying.
479
00:16:55,717 --> 00:16:57,334
Okay?
480
00:16:57,385 --> 00:16:58,635
Yeah, okay.
Okay, let's go.
481
00:16:58,703 --> 00:16:59,870
Come on.
482
00:17:04,058 --> 00:17:05,976
You got to take off
those overalls.
483
00:17:06,043 --> 00:17:08,211
I was going for, like, a...
484
00:17:08,263 --> 00:17:11,064
like, a hot farmer's daughter
kind of thing.
485
00:17:11,149 --> 00:17:15,102
You know, like, "Oh,
I'm going to go milk my cows
486
00:17:15,186 --> 00:17:17,104
with my bucket."
487
00:17:17,188 --> 00:17:18,605
Take 'em off.
488
00:17:18,690 --> 00:17:21,558
Okay. What am I gonna wear?
489
00:17:32,704 --> 00:17:33,787
Wow!
490
00:17:35,323 --> 00:17:37,257
Thanks, Coach.
491
00:17:40,578 --> 00:17:42,296
And then she
does that.
492
00:17:42,380 --> 00:17:45,299
I'm gonna text him, tell
him I'm headed over.
493
00:17:45,383 --> 00:17:47,050
Wait. Have you been texting him?
494
00:17:47,101 --> 00:17:48,302
Is that bad?
495
00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:51,588
No. It's nice.
496
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:54,274
Have a good night.
497
00:17:54,359 --> 00:17:57,060
This is gonna be great.
498
00:17:57,111 --> 00:17:59,746
Coach, you don't look anything
like an Indian.
499
00:17:59,814 --> 00:18:01,932
Look, man, I got your back.
You got to have mine, too.
500
00:18:01,983 --> 00:18:03,400
Coach, I got
your back.
501
00:18:03,451 --> 00:18:05,068
No, Nick. I want
to hear it from him.
502
00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:06,937
Coach, what sort of
Indian wears bike shorts?
503
00:18:06,988 --> 00:18:09,289
Excuse me. Is, uh...? Caroline.
I'm looking for Caroline.
504
00:18:09,374 --> 00:18:10,908
We're supposed to
be on some list.
505
00:18:10,959 --> 00:18:12,326
Hey, Nick.
506
00:18:13,711 --> 00:18:14,828
Thanks.
507
00:18:15,913 --> 00:18:17,914
Sorry I'm wearing
this stupid thing.
508
00:18:18,082 --> 00:18:19,967
Schmidt made me do it.
509
00:18:20,051 --> 00:18:22,586
- Thank you so much for getting us in.
- Yeah. No problem.
510
00:18:22,637 --> 00:18:25,889
Maybe to pay me back you can
stop prank calling me. - What?
511
00:18:25,957 --> 00:18:28,425
Uh... "Hello... Caroline.
512
00:18:28,476 --> 00:18:30,627
I still loves you, I do."
513
00:18:30,678 --> 00:18:31,929
Yeah, you got to
figure that out.
514
00:18:31,980 --> 00:18:33,230
Some crazy person's
calling you.
515
00:18:33,297 --> 00:18:34,464
You look nice.
516
00:18:34,515 --> 00:18:36,099
It's good to see you.
517
00:18:36,150 --> 00:18:40,354
Um, I-I think I'm almost
finished out here if you...
518
00:18:40,438 --> 00:18:43,323
Do you want to go
grab a drink?
519
00:18:43,908 --> 00:18:45,475
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
520
00:18:45,526 --> 00:18:47,077
Sure. Yeah. Let's
521
00:18:47,144 --> 00:18:49,363
- You and I just get a drink.
- Let's get a drink.
522
00:18:49,447 --> 00:18:50,447
- Just be normal about it.
- Okay.
523
00:18:50,498 --> 00:18:51,698
Actually, hold on.
I'm sorry.
524
00:18:51,783 --> 00:18:53,500
I just... I have
to ask you something
525
00:18:53,585 --> 00:18:56,420
so that one day I'm not an
old man filled with regret.
526
00:18:56,487 --> 00:18:58,589
But why did you dump me?
527
00:18:58,656 --> 00:19:01,825
Um... Do... Okay.
528
00:19:01,876 --> 00:19:05,295
Are we doing this here,
like, now?
529
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:07,564
Yeah.
530
00:19:07,831 --> 00:19:09,216
Why did you dump me?
531
00:19:09,500 --> 00:19:13,520
Um... honestly,
532
00:19:13,605 --> 00:19:15,973
I... I didn't even realize
533
00:19:16,057 --> 00:19:18,942
that you cared about me
until we broke up.
534
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,313
Okay.
535
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,366
Let's get that drink.
536
00:19:26,451 --> 00:19:27,651
Get along, little doggy.
537
00:19:27,702 --> 00:19:30,737
Well, howdy there,
muchachos.
538
00:19:30,822 --> 00:19:32,239
Hey,
539
00:19:32,323 --> 00:19:33,991
where's Jess?
540
00:19:34,042 --> 00:19:36,043
Oh, dude, she texted
me seven times.
541
00:19:36,127 --> 00:19:38,462
Like, long ones.
I just want to hook up.
542
00:19:38,529 --> 00:19:42,215
So, is she waiting for you
to show up, or did you call her?
543
00:19:42,300 --> 00:19:44,584
Yeah, that's what
I did. I called her.
544
00:19:47,371 --> 00:19:49,640
See you inside, Schmidt.
545
00:19:51,042 --> 00:19:53,226
Nick?
546
00:19:53,311 --> 00:19:54,728
Want to get that drink?
547
00:19:57,649 --> 00:20:00,350
No. I got to go help
a friend, Caroline.
548
00:20:01,101 --> 00:20:03,236
No, no, no, no, no.
Guys, this is
549
00:20:03,321 --> 00:20:04,188
the party of the year,
you guys.
550
00:20:04,239 --> 00:20:05,722
This is our night.
This is our night!
551
00:20:05,774 --> 00:20:06,907
I'm going with Nick, man.
You coming?
552
00:20:06,992 --> 00:20:08,409
I thought you guys
were my boys!
553
00:20:08,493 --> 00:20:11,862
"My boys" is not a
thing, Schmidt. Stop.
554
00:20:11,913 --> 00:20:14,081
We're coming, Jess!
555
00:20:25,927 --> 00:20:27,761
Oh!
556
00:20:36,521 --> 00:20:40,140
Do you have anything else
that is free,
557
00:20:40,224 --> 00:20:42,025
but also has bread in it?
558
00:20:42,093 --> 00:20:43,944
Because the-the... the, like,
good bread I ate, and the...
559
00:20:44,028 --> 00:20:45,779
All that's left is, like, a...
560
00:20:45,863 --> 00:20:47,947
It's, like... it's kind of
like a health bread.
561
00:20:48,032 --> 00:20:49,282
I'm sorry.
562
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,535
We're going to have to ask you
to give up the table.
563
00:20:53,938 --> 00:20:57,824
Um, can I please just stay
just a little bit longer?
564
00:20:58,409 --> 00:20:59,826
We're here.
565
00:21:00,010 --> 00:21:00,777
Yup.
566
00:21:00,828 --> 00:21:02,412
We're here, Jess.
We're here.
567
00:21:02,463 --> 00:21:03,797
We're here
for the date.
568
00:21:03,881 --> 00:21:05,298
- Date thing.
- Whew.
569
00:21:05,383 --> 00:21:06,383
You're all
on a date?
570
00:21:06,450 --> 00:21:07,334
Yeah.
571
00:21:07,402 --> 00:21:08,835
We, uh... we're her boyfriends.
572
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:10,637
We are reverse Mormons.
573
00:21:10,722 --> 00:21:12,172
- One man just isn't enough for her.
- Okay.
574
00:21:14,175 --> 00:21:16,643
Hey, Jess,
that guy was a jerk.
575
00:21:16,728 --> 00:21:19,295
- Yeah.
- He was a clown.
576
00:21:19,347 --> 00:21:24,101
You guys missed your party
to come here and... see me?
577
00:21:24,152 --> 00:21:27,137
Yeah. We, uh...
we care about you.
578
00:21:27,688 --> 00:21:28,772
We like you.
579
00:21:28,823 --> 00:21:30,490
That's so nice.
580
00:21:30,575 --> 00:21:32,025
What is that?
Don't start crying.
581
00:21:32,110 --> 00:21:33,493
Come on.
582
00:21:33,578 --> 00:21:34,995
It's cool. It's very, very cool.
583
00:21:35,079 --> 00:21:36,363
Come on, Jess.
Come on.
584
00:21:36,447 --> 00:21:37,814
- Please?
- Stop it!
585
00:21:37,865 --> 00:21:38,749
- Coach.
- All right.
586
00:21:38,816 --> 00:21:40,167
It's okay. Hey.
587
00:21:40,251 --> 00:21:41,818
Don't cry.
588
00:21:41,919 --> 00:21:44,154
♪ For I've had ♪
589
00:21:44,205 --> 00:21:46,790
♪ The time of my life ♪
590
00:21:46,841 --> 00:21:49,376
What is he doing?
591
00:21:49,460 --> 00:21:50,710
♪ And I've never felt
this way before ♪
592
00:21:50,795 --> 00:21:53,597
♪ Yes, it's true ♪
593
00:21:53,664 --> 00:21:56,016
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
and something ♪
594
00:21:56,100 --> 00:21:57,467
♪ Something, something... ♪
595
00:21:57,518 --> 00:22:00,771
♪ Oh, those bears in my house ♪
596
00:22:00,838 --> 00:22:02,389
♪ And it's the song that makes
you really, really happy ♪
597
00:22:02,473 --> 00:22:04,441
I'm not, uh, I'm not
participating in this.
598
00:22:04,508 --> 00:22:09,512
♪ Just remember
you're the one thing ♪
599
00:22:09,564 --> 00:22:13,366
♪ I can't get enough of ♪
600
00:22:22,376 --> 00:22:24,878
♪ I've had ♪
601
00:22:24,962 --> 00:22:27,363
♪ The time of my life ♪
602
00:22:27,415 --> 00:22:29,716
♪ And I owe it all
to you ♪
603
00:22:29,801 --> 00:22:31,034
Come on, what time is it?
604
00:22:31,085 --> 00:22:34,171
♪ The time of my life... ♪
605
00:22:34,222 --> 00:22:35,639
Hey!
606
00:22:35,706 --> 00:22:37,474
It was nice.
607
00:22:37,541 --> 00:22:38,842
You have to leave now,
all of you.
608
00:22:40,428 --> 00:22:43,096
♪ I've had ♪
609
00:22:43,181 --> 00:22:45,982
♪ The time of my life ♪
610
00:22:46,050 --> 00:22:49,402
♪ And I never felt
this way before ♪
611
00:22:49,487 --> 00:22:55,725
♪ I swear it's the truth,
and I... ♪
612
00:22:55,776 --> 00:22:59,080
You're right, Jess.
This movie's pretty good.
613
00:23:01,148 --> 00:23:03,165
Seriously, thank you guys
so much for tonight.
614
00:23:03,233 --> 00:23:05,568
That was really cool.
615
00:23:05,670 --> 00:23:07,704
♪ And I've searched
through every open door... ♪
616
00:23:07,755 --> 00:23:08,755
Listen, Jess,
617
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:11,825
I know you've had
a really rough go of it,
618
00:23:11,893 --> 00:23:15,328
and I just want you
to know that, I mean,
619
00:23:15,396 --> 00:23:18,246
for me, at least,
that no matter what,
620
00:23:19,757 --> 00:23:22,526
I would still totally do you.
621
00:23:22,595 --> 00:23:24,444
Oh, that's so sweet.
622
00:23:24,513 --> 00:23:26,154
Yeah. Absolutely.
623
00:23:26,223 --> 00:23:27,499
- Jar.
- Yeah. Jar.
624
00:23:27,607 --> 00:23:32,442
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com