1
00:00:00,516 --> 00:00:03,817
That's classic Nick Miller. Hey look,
I'm holding your hand, and what?
2
00:00:04,085 --> 00:00:05,919
Yeah, I want to go out tonight.
3
00:00:05,987 --> 00:00:07,921
Ugh, couples!
4
00:00:07,989 --> 00:00:10,056
Boo. Hiss.
5
00:00:10,124 --> 00:00:12,492
Every time you have sex
with the same person, Jess,
6
00:00:12,559 --> 00:00:14,960
you die just a little bit.
7
00:00:15,028 --> 00:00:16,429
It's like a copy of a copy.
8
00:00:16,497 --> 00:00:18,664
But lucky us-- we get to go
out looking for some strange.
9
00:00:18,732 --> 00:00:21,133
- Happy V-Day, player!
- Holla!
10
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,568
Look, Jess, truth is, I don't
go out on Valentine's Day.
11
00:00:23,637 --> 00:00:25,470
- What?
- There's no thrill.
12
00:00:25,538 --> 00:00:28,040
You know, all these bars filled
with emotionally vulnerable women.
13
00:00:28,108 --> 00:00:30,475
I'm like a Dominican teenager
playing Little League.
14
00:00:30,543 --> 00:00:32,144
It's just not fair
for everybody else.
15
00:00:32,211 --> 00:00:34,379
It's my first single
Valentine's Day in six years,
16
00:00:34,447 --> 00:00:36,615
and I...
I need to go out, okay?
17
00:00:37,682 --> 00:00:38,950
We need to go out.
18
00:00:39,218 --> 00:00:41,085
'Cause I'm feeling
pretty twirly.
19
00:00:41,154 --> 00:00:43,021
- Twirly?
- Twirly.
20
00:00:43,088 --> 00:00:45,690
- Is that like horny?
- I got the dirty twirls, Schmidtty.
21
00:00:46,258 --> 00:00:50,461
Watch out, 'cause you're
about to get laid... world!
22
00:00:50,529 --> 00:00:53,197
♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
23
00:00:53,198 --> 00:00:54,890
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
24
00:00:54,899 --> 00:00:57,000
♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
25
00:00:57,068 --> 00:00:58,335
So, we're doing this--
26
00:00:58,403 --> 00:00:59,537
full-on Valentine's.
27
00:01:00,304 --> 00:01:01,405
What'd you do last year?
28
00:01:01,473 --> 00:01:02,972
I was fighting with Caroline.
29
00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:04,207
What were you fighting about?
30
00:01:04,275 --> 00:01:05,642
Oh, you know, the usual--
31
00:01:05,709 --> 00:01:08,144
about how I make too much money
and I dress too fancy
32
00:01:08,212 --> 00:01:09,779
and I'm too good
at communicating my feelings.
33
00:01:09,846 --> 00:01:10,913
- Right.
- Well, this year
34
00:01:10,981 --> 00:01:12,182
we're gonna make up for it.
35
00:01:12,249 --> 00:01:13,650
You and me are gonna do
36
00:01:13,717 --> 00:01:16,286
a real Valentine's Day date.
37
00:01:16,353 --> 00:01:18,487
I know. God,
what's the plan?
38
00:01:18,555 --> 00:01:20,522
Well, first of all, you're
gonna need a map of Arizona.
39
00:01:20,590 --> 00:01:21,756
I can get that.
40
00:01:21,824 --> 00:01:22,824
And a container that you're
41
00:01:22,892 --> 00:01:23,992
comfortable getting urine in.
42
00:01:24,060 --> 00:01:25,495
Oh, I have one in my purse.
43
00:01:25,660 --> 00:01:26,495
You do?
44
00:01:26,563 --> 00:01:28,664
No. Bad idea.
45
00:01:28,731 --> 00:01:30,965
You can't go on a first date
on Valentine's Day, Winston.
46
00:01:31,033 --> 00:01:33,202
Dude, I'm telling you,
it's not a first date, man.
47
00:01:33,269 --> 00:01:35,169
We used to hook up all the time.
48
00:01:35,237 --> 00:01:37,771
You know, for two years I had her
number stored in my phone as "Shretty,"
49
00:01:37,839 --> 00:01:39,273
'cause I was too drunk
to type "Shelby."
50
00:01:39,341 --> 00:01:40,641
She just wanted a
relaxed night in.
51
00:01:40,709 --> 00:01:42,610
It actually sounds
kind of sexy.
52
00:01:42,678 --> 00:01:44,445
Dude, we're just trying to figure
each other out, that's all.
53
00:01:44,513 --> 00:01:46,013
You know where that
puts you in six months?
54
00:01:46,081 --> 00:01:47,548
Yeah, watching
It's Complicated on DVD
55
00:01:47,616 --> 00:01:49,783
while you cradle your
newborn baby to sleep.
56
00:01:49,851 --> 00:01:51,918
And guess what?
It's not complicated.
57
00:01:52,286 --> 00:01:53,286
It's about a bunch
of rich white people
58
00:01:53,354 --> 00:01:54,521
who are remodeling
their kitchen.
59
00:01:54,589 --> 00:01:56,089
Are you sure you're
really ready for that?
60
00:01:56,156 --> 00:01:57,457
Dude, it's gonna be great.
61
00:01:57,525 --> 00:01:59,158
What are you doing?
62
00:01:59,227 --> 00:02:00,460
I'm packing an overnight bag
63
00:02:00,528 --> 00:02:01,828
in case I have
one-night sex.
64
00:02:01,895 --> 00:02:03,930
I've got
a T-shirt, socks...
65
00:02:03,997 --> 00:02:05,064
Is this a sewing kit?
66
00:02:05,132 --> 00:02:06,365
Yes, it's a sewing kit.
67
00:02:06,433 --> 00:02:07,633
Stain remover.
♪ Hello? ♪
68
00:02:07,701 --> 00:02:09,635
You don't have
69
00:02:09,703 --> 00:02:12,037
one-night stands--
you get way too attached.
70
00:02:12,105 --> 00:02:13,505
I mean, you could have
an emotional connection
71
00:02:13,573 --> 00:02:14,906
with a shoe on the
side of the road.
72
00:02:14,974 --> 00:02:17,109
Oh, one shoe?
I hate that.
73
00:02:17,176 --> 00:02:18,444
Is this Schmidt's idea.
74
00:02:18,511 --> 00:02:19,645
It's my idea.
75
00:02:19,713 --> 00:02:22,480
I want to try
a one-night stand. Tonight...
76
00:02:22,548 --> 00:02:25,383
is all about what
Little Jess wants.
77
00:02:26,518 --> 00:02:28,586
Little Jess.
78
00:02:28,654 --> 00:02:30,888
Okay, all right.
I am gonna text Kyle
79
00:02:30,956 --> 00:02:32,290
and tell him
to meet us at the bar,
80
00:02:32,358 --> 00:02:34,325
because I'm not leaving
you alone like this...
81
00:02:34,393 --> 00:02:35,627
with all of that.
82
00:02:39,929 --> 00:02:40,930
I'm sorry, I don't know
83
00:02:40,998 --> 00:02:42,599
who's smelling what tonight.
84
00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:44,067
Excuse me, you know where
85
00:02:44,068 --> 00:02:45,168
Julia Cleary's office is?
86
00:02:45,236 --> 00:02:46,936
Uh, does she need to
sign for something?
87
00:02:47,004 --> 00:02:48,605
Little late for a
package, isn't it?
88
00:02:48,673 --> 00:02:50,073
Let me guess, your
bike broke down.
89
00:02:50,141 --> 00:02:51,341
Fixed-gear,
single-speed.
90
00:02:51,409 --> 00:02:52,809
I've been rocking
a three-speed.
91
00:02:52,877 --> 00:02:54,177
No, I'm not a bike messenger.
92
00:02:54,245 --> 00:02:55,411
- Follow me.
- Okay.
93
00:02:55,479 --> 00:02:56,679
She can get pretty cranky
94
00:02:56,747 --> 00:02:57,946
when she gets interrupted,
95
00:02:58,014 --> 00:03:00,383
but I'll tell you what,
I would still hit that.
96
00:03:00,450 --> 00:03:02,117
I mean, despite
the age difference,
97
00:03:02,285 --> 00:03:04,486
I would just take
that to Pound Town.
98
00:03:04,553 --> 00:03:05,921
You know what I mean?
99
00:03:05,989 --> 00:03:07,990
Just take her a visit
to the boneyard.
100
00:03:08,158 --> 00:03:09,724
You know what I'm saying.
101
00:03:10,260 --> 00:03:11,293
Hey, Nick.
102
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:12,460
That's my boyfriend, Nick.
103
00:03:12,528 --> 00:03:14,128
Hi. That's my little
intern, Cliff.
104
00:03:14,396 --> 00:03:15,562
- Excuse me, Cliff.
- What...?
105
00:03:15,630 --> 00:03:17,165
Could you get him a water?
106
00:03:17,232 --> 00:03:18,767
Thank you.
107
00:03:19,334 --> 00:03:20,334
Hey, Cliff.
108
00:03:21,504 --> 00:03:22,570
Thanks, Cliff.
109
00:03:23,638 --> 00:03:25,707
Sorry it's such a mess in here.
110
00:03:25,775 --> 00:03:27,541
But... I went full out
111
00:03:27,609 --> 00:03:29,276
with the cheesy
Valentine's Day stuff.
112
00:03:29,344 --> 00:03:30,678
Are you ready for it?
113
00:03:30,745 --> 00:03:32,379
- What did you do?
- Ha-ha!
114
00:03:32,447 --> 00:03:34,181
Heart boxers!
These are the best!
115
00:03:34,248 --> 00:03:34,588
Right?
116
00:03:34,589 --> 00:03:35,949
I'm putting them on
right now over my pants.
117
00:03:36,017 --> 00:03:39,085
- You can't stop me.
- I don't want to stop you, because I...
118
00:03:39,153 --> 00:03:40,921
am gonna be rockin'
this action.
119
00:03:42,488 --> 00:03:43,522
You were born
to wear that thing.
120
00:03:43,589 --> 00:03:44,871
We can never talk about
any of this, to anybody.
121
00:03:44,872 --> 00:03:45,191
Okay.
122
00:03:45,258 --> 00:03:46,959
- Can we go?
- I have a little bit
123
00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:48,561
more work to do--
just, like, an hour.
124
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:55,100
- Hey, babe.
- Ooh, you brought wine.
125
00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:56,869
- Yeah.
- Good. We're almost out.
126
00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:57,970
It's not the food!
127
00:03:58,038 --> 00:03:59,603
Come on in.
Pick out a polish.
128
00:03:59,771 --> 00:04:01,940
He looks like a player.
129
00:04:02,507 --> 00:04:04,042
Ah. Never mind.
130
00:04:04,109 --> 00:04:06,378
I thought we said no guys.
131
00:04:06,946 --> 00:04:09,147
I am not touching his feet.
132
00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:10,649
- I'm not kidding you.
- That's amazing.
133
00:04:10,717 --> 00:04:12,250
Where's what's his name?
134
00:04:12,318 --> 00:04:14,585
We are actually gonna
meet up later, because...
135
00:04:15,453 --> 00:04:16,554
he's got a little
surprise for me.
136
00:04:17,121 --> 00:04:18,556
Spoiler: it's his penis.
137
00:04:18,623 --> 00:04:20,190
Okay, stop. Enough.
138
00:04:20,258 --> 00:04:20,991
Pay attention.
139
00:04:21,059 --> 00:04:22,493
- You're from Oregon?
- Yeah.
140
00:04:22,561 --> 00:04:24,294
- I'm from Oregon.
- Oh, no. What?
141
00:04:24,363 --> 00:04:26,029
I mean, how often
do you meet Oregonians?
142
00:04:26,097 --> 00:04:27,231
I don't know.
143
00:04:27,298 --> 00:04:28,366
Oh, could you hold on
one second?
144
00:04:28,433 --> 00:04:29,933
- Yeah. Sure.
- Okay.
145
00:04:30,001 --> 00:04:32,969
Oh, my God, he's from
Oregon; I'm from Oregon.
146
00:04:33,036 --> 00:04:34,371
- Bad idea.
- No, you can't do this.
147
00:04:34,438 --> 00:04:35,304
- Horrible.
- I'm sorry.
148
00:04:35,373 --> 00:04:36,473
You bonded emotionally.
149
00:04:36,540 --> 00:04:37,907
If you end up
having sex with him,
150
00:04:37,975 --> 00:04:40,410
it's gonna be missionary
with a lot of eye contact.
151
00:04:40,478 --> 00:04:41,805
Look, that is not
one-night-stand material.
152
00:04:41,806 --> 00:04:42,612
You got to listen to him.
153
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,280
He's right on
this one. Sorry.
154
00:04:44,348 --> 00:04:45,548
I know what I'm talking about.
155
00:04:45,616 --> 00:04:47,048
I have my 10,000 hours.
156
00:04:47,616 --> 00:04:48,717
Outliers.
You should read it.
157
00:04:48,785 --> 00:04:50,018
Malcolm Gladwell.
158
00:04:50,086 --> 00:04:51,520
It's one of my
desert island books.
159
00:04:51,588 --> 00:04:53,555
Along with Machiavelli's
The Prince,
160
00:04:53,623 --> 00:04:55,524
Freak by John Leguizamo,
any of the scripts
161
00:04:55,592 --> 00:04:57,325
from the first season
of Vampire Diaries,
162
00:04:57,394 --> 00:04:59,628
- a little Phantom T.
- I love Phantom Tollbooth.
163
00:04:59,696 --> 00:05:02,364
Of course you do--
you're a human being.
164
00:05:02,431 --> 00:05:03,865
So no connection?
165
00:05:03,932 --> 00:05:05,966
- Zero.
- Sorry, babe. No.
166
00:05:10,171 --> 00:05:11,338
Good girl.
167
00:05:16,978 --> 00:05:17,945
Hey.
168
00:05:18,613 --> 00:05:19,880
Could I have your cherry?
169
00:05:19,947 --> 00:05:21,548
- Sure.
- Cool.
170
00:05:25,319 --> 00:05:26,386
Sorry.
171
00:05:39,032 --> 00:05:42,100
You okay, lady?
172
00:05:42,868 --> 00:05:43,969
Hmm.
173
00:05:44,437 --> 00:05:46,204
Schwing!
174
00:05:50,611 --> 00:05:52,278
Hey, guys. Um...
175
00:05:52,446 --> 00:05:53,613
this is Oliver.
176
00:05:53,681 --> 00:05:54,814
Um, Oliver
177
00:05:54,882 --> 00:05:56,716
- is a...
- Web creator.
178
00:05:56,784 --> 00:05:58,251
Web creator.
179
00:05:58,318 --> 00:06:00,453
Uh, also, we both
180
00:06:00,521 --> 00:06:01,920
- love... lunch.
- Lunch.
181
00:06:02,488 --> 00:06:03,321
Love lunch.
182
00:06:03,389 --> 00:06:04,890
- You're kidding.
- Wow, what a coincidence.
183
00:06:04,958 --> 00:06:06,324
When people talk about
184
00:06:06,392 --> 00:06:08,260
breakfast being the most
important meal of the day,
185
00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:09,795
- I'm, like...
- What...
186
00:06:09,863 --> 00:06:11,062
- what?!
- Is that?!
187
00:06:11,130 --> 00:06:13,165
What about lunch, man?
188
00:06:16,902 --> 00:06:17,902
You want another drink?
189
00:06:17,970 --> 00:06:19,103
If I didn't know ya better,
190
00:06:19,172 --> 00:06:21,172
I'd think you're tryin'
to liquor me up!
191
00:06:21,173 --> 00:06:22,440
Why are you talking like that?
192
00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:24,108
Oh, Oliver...
193
00:06:24,677 --> 00:06:26,677
we have nothing in common.
194
00:06:31,115 --> 00:06:33,917
Yes! I have no emotional
connection to him at all.
195
00:06:33,985 --> 00:06:36,687
But I'm just gonna
eat lunch off that butt.
196
00:06:38,156 --> 00:06:39,690
So, what about you?
197
00:06:39,757 --> 00:06:40,857
What about that
redhead over there?
198
00:06:40,925 --> 00:06:42,025
I thought you totally had that.
199
00:06:42,093 --> 00:06:43,793
Oh, that's in process.
200
00:06:43,860 --> 00:06:45,995
This is where I do this
kind of, like, look thing,
201
00:06:46,063 --> 00:06:48,364
where, like, my confusion
makes her confused...
202
00:06:48,932 --> 00:06:50,066
and, then, also kind of hot.
203
00:06:51,633 --> 00:06:52,835
Let me help you.
204
00:06:54,304 --> 00:06:55,938
I'm gonna make her jealous.
205
00:06:56,006 --> 00:06:57,607
All right, can
you... can you stop?
206
00:06:57,675 --> 00:07:00,942
Cece, you are way
too beautiful.
207
00:07:01,010 --> 00:07:02,911
She'll think she doesn't
have a shot with me.
208
00:07:02,978 --> 00:07:04,446
Can you stop looking
at me like that, please?
209
00:07:04,514 --> 00:07:06,448
What look? I'm not
even looking at you.
210
00:07:06,516 --> 00:07:08,684
The pouty one, the
naughty baby Indian.
211
00:07:08,751 --> 00:07:11,152
I just ate something
spicy, and now my lip is swollen. Mm-hmm.
212
00:07:11,221 --> 00:07:13,154
Baby! Hi!
213
00:07:13,223 --> 00:07:15,189
Hey!
214
00:07:15,257 --> 00:07:17,024
All right, just
get in there, man.
215
00:07:17,792 --> 00:07:18,626
Clean it all out.
216
00:07:19,194 --> 00:07:19,860
Like a dentist.
217
00:07:19,928 --> 00:07:20,994
Hey!
218
00:07:21,062 --> 00:07:22,763
- Hey-hey-hey-hey!
- Wow!
219
00:07:22,831 --> 00:07:23,964
Look, look.
220
00:07:24,032 --> 00:07:25,266
Surprise!
221
00:07:25,334 --> 00:07:26,800
'Shrooms.
222
00:07:26,868 --> 00:07:28,869
- Oh, Kyle, you really shouldn't have.
- I ate three.
223
00:07:28,937 --> 00:07:30,470
I ate three. Three.
224
00:07:30,638 --> 00:07:31,804
On a pizza!
225
00:07:31,872 --> 00:07:33,005
Look at you, man.
226
00:07:33,073 --> 00:07:34,241
You're a champion.
227
00:07:34,308 --> 00:07:36,710
Okay, um, we're gonna go, 'cause
he's about to get real handsy
228
00:07:36,777 --> 00:07:38,144
and a little racist.
229
00:07:38,212 --> 00:07:40,179
So, you'll watch Jess?
230
00:07:40,248 --> 00:07:41,615
Yeah, yeah, I will.
231
00:07:41,682 --> 00:07:43,116
Okay. Let's go, Kyle.
232
00:07:43,183 --> 00:07:44,484
Schmidtty, Schmidtty, Schmidtty.
233
00:07:44,552 --> 00:07:47,319
Hey, um, so, I'm gonna
go home with Oliver.
234
00:07:47,387 --> 00:07:49,321
Great! I'm so happy...
235
00:07:49,389 --> 00:07:50,856
Hey, three words:
236
00:07:51,523 --> 00:07:52,324
Double bag it.
237
00:07:52,392 --> 00:07:54,360
I got that covered. Um...
238
00:07:54,927 --> 00:07:55,894
These guys...
239
00:07:55,962 --> 00:07:58,230
- hundy bag, so...
- A hundred condoms?
240
00:07:58,298 --> 00:07:59,449
What, are you gonna
have sex with an army?
241
00:07:59,450 --> 00:08:00,599
♪ Oh, I'm gonna ♪
242
00:08:00,667 --> 00:08:02,533
- ♪ Get up in it, mon. ♪
- That's the biggest box of condoms
243
00:08:02,601 --> 00:08:03,701
I've ever seen, honestly.
244
00:08:03,769 --> 00:08:05,069
Does it have, like, a roller?
245
00:08:05,137 --> 00:08:07,071
Like, you know, you go
through the airport with it?
246
00:08:07,139 --> 00:08:08,873
I'm gonna rip him a new one.
247
00:08:08,940 --> 00:08:09,840
Very intimidating.
248
00:08:09,908 --> 00:08:11,276
A normal man
249
00:08:11,343 --> 00:08:13,010
can go maybe three times
in a night,
250
00:08:13,078 --> 00:08:14,412
depending on how
much salmon he's had.
251
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:17,014
He's literally the most
boring person I've ever met.
252
00:08:17,082 --> 00:08:19,483
He's described every lunch
he's had this week,
253
00:08:19,550 --> 00:08:21,652
and three of them were tacos.
254
00:08:21,719 --> 00:08:23,787
- My work here is done.
- Not really.
255
00:08:23,854 --> 00:08:25,289
Little favor.
He doesn't have
256
00:08:25,356 --> 00:08:27,824
a car, I don't have a car,
'cause I came with you, so I...
257
00:08:27,892 --> 00:08:28,958
No, no, no, no.
258
00:08:29,026 --> 00:08:31,027
No. No.
259
00:08:31,095 --> 00:08:33,530
One of the tacos
had extra cheese,
260
00:08:33,598 --> 00:08:35,998
and the other one had avocados.
261
00:08:36,065 --> 00:08:37,266
And cheese.
262
00:08:37,334 --> 00:08:39,234
And cheese, actually.
263
00:08:42,137 --> 00:08:43,306
Well, I guess
264
00:08:43,373 --> 00:08:44,973
it's time to take
that Chinese head
265
00:08:45,041 --> 00:08:47,075
out of that Chinese ass, Ming.
266
00:08:47,143 --> 00:08:48,644
That's so sweet.
267
00:08:48,712 --> 00:08:50,745
- I love that. Thank you.
- Hey, I pushed
268
00:08:50,813 --> 00:08:52,847
- the reservation to 8:30.
- Okay, I just need
269
00:08:52,915 --> 00:08:54,048
40 to 50 more minutes, okay?
270
00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:55,283
- I'm sorry.
- No, no, no.
271
00:08:55,351 --> 00:08:57,485
Hey, Confucius say:
272
00:08:57,553 --> 00:09:00,254
"You work for me."
273
00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:07,027
What, Winston?
274
00:09:07,094 --> 00:09:08,295
Hey, man, look, I'm sorry
275
00:09:08,363 --> 00:09:09,530
to call you--
I know you're at dinner.
276
00:09:09,597 --> 00:09:10,831
No, I'm not, Winston.
I'm actually
277
00:09:10,898 --> 00:09:12,132
hanging out with
a guy named Cliff.
278
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,167
Are we hanging out?
279
00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:14,767
That's awesome.
280
00:09:14,836 --> 00:09:16,036
Listen here, man,
I'm at Shelby's house.
281
00:09:16,037 --> 00:09:17,337
And there's
two other girls here.
282
00:09:17,338 --> 00:09:18,571
They're drinking
cranberry juice, talking about
283
00:09:18,639 --> 00:09:20,207
Michelle Obama's
upper-body workout.
284
00:09:20,274 --> 00:09:21,842
I got a nose strip
on my face, man.
285
00:09:21,909 --> 00:09:23,075
- So leave.
- It's just that...
286
00:09:23,143 --> 00:09:25,110
I really enjoy
being around this girl.
287
00:09:25,178 --> 00:09:26,679
All right, so stay.
288
00:09:26,747 --> 00:09:28,314
You know what,
I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna...
289
00:09:31,818 --> 00:09:33,418
Can I ask you something?
290
00:09:33,486 --> 00:09:34,354
With her, the...
291
00:09:35,121 --> 00:09:37,022
is it... is it gentle,
292
00:09:37,090 --> 00:09:40,291
or is it...
not so gentle?
293
00:09:41,060 --> 00:09:42,927
You know what I mean?
294
00:09:43,495 --> 00:09:46,351
Yeah, I'm gonna act like you
didn't just say that, Cliff.
295
00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:47,065
Fair enough.
296
00:09:47,132 --> 00:09:48,800
Yeah, Ming, I got your text.
297
00:09:48,868 --> 00:09:50,935
What-what part of that
did you not understand?
298
00:09:51,003 --> 00:09:52,604
Do you want some
champagne, Cliff?
299
00:10:02,848 --> 00:10:04,415
What is that?
300
00:10:04,483 --> 00:10:05,516
Is he injured?
301
00:10:06,084 --> 00:10:06,817
No, I think...
302
00:10:07,385 --> 00:10:08,285
Pause. Pause.
303
00:10:08,353 --> 00:10:10,453
Why are you pausing?
304
00:10:10,521 --> 00:10:12,054
Bathroom break.
305
00:10:12,122 --> 00:10:13,456
It's right in the
middle of the movie.
306
00:10:13,524 --> 00:10:14,657
What are...
What's wrong with him?
307
00:10:14,725 --> 00:10:16,325
Why are you still here?
308
00:10:16,394 --> 00:10:17,460
You don't have a car,
he doesn't
309
00:10:17,528 --> 00:10:18,695
have a car;
How you gonna get home?
310
00:10:18,763 --> 00:10:21,063
I'm gonna take a cab, Schmidt.
311
00:10:21,131 --> 00:10:22,732
It's a horrible
neighborhood, okay?
312
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,634
There are youths everywhere.
313
00:10:24,702 --> 00:10:27,068
Youths? Are you
Officer Krupke?
314
00:10:27,136 --> 00:10:27,870
Would you st...
315
00:10:27,937 --> 00:10:29,805
Damn it.
316
00:10:29,873 --> 00:10:31,774
It's Cece. Hello?
317
00:10:31,841 --> 00:10:34,476
Why are you crashing
Jess's one-night stand?
318
00:10:34,544 --> 00:10:35,811
Well, he asked me if I wanted
to watch Planet of the Apes.
319
00:10:35,879 --> 00:10:38,046
- I didn't know he meant right now.
- Ugh.
320
00:10:38,114 --> 00:10:39,715
- What's wrong with you?
- Hate you. Tell him to leave.
321
00:10:39,783 --> 00:10:41,349
Get out of there, Schmidt.
322
00:10:41,418 --> 00:10:42,950
Leave your car there,
323
00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:44,218
and I'll come get you, okay?
324
00:10:44,286 --> 00:10:45,553
What is going on over there?
325
00:10:45,621 --> 00:10:46,888
Where are you; where's Kyle?
326
00:10:46,955 --> 00:10:48,656
I'm at a playground.
327
00:10:48,724 --> 00:10:49,924
Kyle's shrooming.
328
00:10:49,991 --> 00:10:51,058
Woo-woo.
329
00:10:51,126 --> 00:10:52,293
I'll see you guys later.
330
00:10:54,095 --> 00:10:55,730
I love brown people!
331
00:10:55,798 --> 00:10:57,665
That's racist, Kyle.
332
00:10:58,233 --> 00:10:59,132
Excuse me.
333
00:10:59,699 --> 00:11:00,666
Back to the movie.
334
00:11:02,403 --> 00:11:03,236
Ready?
335
00:11:03,304 --> 00:11:04,704
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
336
00:11:07,374 --> 00:11:09,242
These monkeys look so real.
337
00:11:09,310 --> 00:11:10,310
Apes.
338
00:11:10,377 --> 00:11:11,277
They're apes.
339
00:11:11,345 --> 00:11:13,379
Oh... you're one of those.
340
00:11:13,448 --> 00:11:14,647
- Get out.
- Like there's a real difference?
341
00:11:14,714 --> 00:11:17,015
- Get out now!
- All right.
342
00:11:25,425 --> 00:11:27,359
Youths!
343
00:11:27,427 --> 00:11:28,661
You know what, Cliff?
344
00:11:29,228 --> 00:11:31,062
I'm sorry,
I'm just feeling very romantic,
345
00:11:31,163 --> 00:11:32,831
and I have nowhere
else to put it,
346
00:11:32,898 --> 00:11:34,432
so happy Valentine's
Day, good looking.
347
00:11:34,950 --> 00:11:36,033
- You know what?
- What?
348
00:11:36,101 --> 00:11:37,335
Put it right here.
349
00:11:37,402 --> 00:11:39,904
'Cause I-I like it.
350
00:11:39,972 --> 00:11:42,106
So how did you get
that far into law school
351
00:11:42,174 --> 00:11:43,407
and then drop out?
352
00:11:43,476 --> 00:11:45,743
Well, I got my heart broken.
353
00:11:45,811 --> 00:11:48,044
- Yeah.
- And then everything got weird.
354
00:11:48,112 --> 00:11:50,567
- I started playing guitar
in an alt-country-ska band.
355
00:11:50,568 --> 00:11:51,181
Sure.
356
00:11:51,748 --> 00:11:52,983
- Gambling a lot.
- Yeah.
357
00:11:53,050 --> 00:11:55,819
There was a really weird week
where I wore a long blonde wig
358
00:11:55,887 --> 00:11:57,754
and I made everybody
call me Sandy Ferguson.
359
00:11:57,822 --> 00:12:00,156
I have never loved
anyone that much.
360
00:12:00,224 --> 00:12:02,425
Then I drove to Mexico, and I
tried to enter a cockfight.
361
00:12:02,493 --> 00:12:03,593
As a person?
362
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:05,728
Yes, Cliff, as a person.
363
00:12:06,596 --> 00:12:07,596
Come on!
364
00:12:07,864 --> 00:12:08,965
Get me out of here!
365
00:12:09,532 --> 00:12:11,333
Help! Help!
366
00:12:11,401 --> 00:12:14,370
I've had a tough
couple of days, Freddie.
367
00:12:14,437 --> 00:12:16,739
The point of the story is
I looked around at my life
368
00:12:16,807 --> 00:12:19,240
and I realized that I didn't
want to work for somebody else
369
00:12:19,808 --> 00:12:21,075
my whole life.
370
00:12:21,143 --> 00:12:23,077
That is exactly
how I feel, man.
371
00:12:23,145 --> 00:12:25,079
Yeah, but the second
half of that story
372
00:12:25,147 --> 00:12:26,815
is how I went broke
and started working
373
00:12:26,883 --> 00:12:27,849
for somebody else
my whole life.
374
00:12:29,218 --> 00:12:30,451
Okay, what was that?
375
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:31,586
I don't want to be a lawyer.
376
00:12:31,654 --> 00:12:32,621
I don't want to do this.
377
00:12:32,688 --> 00:12:34,188
Don't do this. Not tonight.
378
00:12:34,256 --> 00:12:36,089
- I'm leaving. I'm leaving tonight.
- Oh, Cliff.
379
00:12:36,157 --> 00:12:38,492
Look what I found
under a pile of depositions.
380
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:39,459
I'm quitting!
381
00:12:40,028 --> 00:12:40,628
What?
382
00:12:40,695 --> 00:12:41,929
Nick convinced me
that I can't waste
383
00:12:41,997 --> 00:12:43,230
my life doing your
stapling any more.
384
00:12:43,297 --> 00:12:45,232
I never said anything
like that, Julia.
385
00:12:45,299 --> 00:12:47,535
Not doing it any more.
I'm not working
386
00:12:47,602 --> 00:12:48,602
all night on Valentine's Day.
387
00:12:48,670 --> 00:12:50,103
I'm just gonna get in my car,
388
00:12:50,171 --> 00:12:53,105
and I'm just gonna drive
until I see the sun.
389
00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:54,841
'Cause it's got to be
shining somewhere.
390
00:12:54,909 --> 00:12:56,776
And for once in my life,
391
00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:58,545
- I'm gonna spend some time with my birds.
- With you birds?
392
00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:00,013
Woo!
No, Cliff!
393
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,148
We're gonna start
paying you so soon!
394
00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:06,385
Julia, I am so sorry.
395
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:07,819
I just told him a story
396
00:13:07,887 --> 00:13:09,588
about when I
got arrested in Mexico.
397
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:11,489
- You got arrested in Mexico?
- I wasn't gonna
398
00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:13,058
tell you until
after you got knocked up
399
00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:14,392
and were stuck with me.
400
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,361
- Now I got to do all this stuff.
- I know.
401
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:17,295
I'm sorry.
402
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:18,897
Just go home, Nick.
403
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:20,866
- Sorry.
- I'll call you tomorrow.
404
00:13:22,568 --> 00:13:23,834
No!
405
00:13:26,403 --> 00:13:27,271
What?
406
00:13:27,338 --> 00:13:28,439
Are you kidding me?
407
00:13:28,506 --> 00:13:30,407
Hey, baby.
408
00:13:30,475 --> 00:13:31,976
Uh, this is my ex, Amy.
409
00:13:32,044 --> 00:13:33,110
We broke up last week.
410
00:13:33,178 --> 00:13:34,545
She can't afford to move out
411
00:13:34,613 --> 00:13:36,047
- 'cause she doesn't work.
- What?
412
00:13:37,015 --> 00:13:38,848
Hey, so how was your night?
413
00:13:38,916 --> 00:13:41,317
Are you serious
right now, Oliver?
414
00:13:41,385 --> 00:13:42,886
- Yeah.
- Um, hey.
415
00:13:42,954 --> 00:13:44,120
I'm Jess.
416
00:13:46,055 --> 00:13:47,056
Hey.
417
00:13:47,324 --> 00:13:48,524
Who is she?
418
00:13:49,293 --> 00:13:50,627
What are you doing here, Cece?
419
00:13:50,695 --> 00:13:52,662
Sorry, I just came
to get Schmidt.
420
00:13:52,730 --> 00:13:54,464
Schmidt left,
like, an hour ago.
421
00:13:55,031 --> 00:13:56,198
No, no, I didn't.
422
00:13:56,265 --> 00:13:57,466
Are you kidding me?
423
00:13:57,533 --> 00:14:00,202
My tires were stolen
by street youths.
424
00:14:00,269 --> 00:14:01,103
Ugh!
425
00:14:03,006 --> 00:14:04,139
Hey, did I pee my pants?
426
00:14:04,207 --> 00:14:05,808
Friends, did I pee in my pants?
427
00:14:05,875 --> 00:14:07,676
- Guys?
- No, Kyle, you're just on drugs.
428
00:14:07,744 --> 00:14:08,877
He definitely peed, I can see.
429
00:14:08,945 --> 00:14:10,712
See! See!
430
00:14:10,779 --> 00:14:12,279
Who's the idiot now?
431
00:14:12,347 --> 00:14:14,115
Okay, all of you,
get out of here.
432
00:14:14,182 --> 00:14:16,150
- I peed my pants.
- We got to get out of... oh.
433
00:14:16,218 --> 00:14:17,251
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
434
00:14:17,319 --> 00:14:18,152
This guy's like a magician.
435
00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:20,254
How does it feel,
436
00:14:20,322 --> 00:14:21,789
Oliver?
437
00:14:22,290 --> 00:14:24,225
Okay, uh, Kyle,
438
00:14:24,292 --> 00:14:26,360
I'm the one you're gonna
sleep with tonight,
439
00:14:26,428 --> 00:14:27,728
so we got to...
440
00:14:29,496 --> 00:14:30,430
What are you gonna do now?
441
00:14:33,467 --> 00:14:34,434
Okay, okay.
442
00:14:34,502 --> 00:14:35,636
Okay.
443
00:14:35,703 --> 00:14:37,270
- My man!
- Get out of my house!
444
00:14:40,307 --> 00:14:41,541
- I will murder you!
- Bye!
445
00:14:43,710 --> 00:14:45,044
- What?
- Hey, Kyle. Hey.
446
00:14:45,112 --> 00:14:46,245
It's a stick.
447
00:14:46,312 --> 00:14:47,412
Go get it.
448
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:48,614
Ooh, shiny!
449
00:14:49,682 --> 00:14:51,049
Whoo.
450
00:14:51,751 --> 00:14:52,818
What does a girl got to do
451
00:14:52,886 --> 00:14:55,420
to get a one-night stand
around here?
452
00:14:55,488 --> 00:14:58,124
Sorry.
453
00:15:00,572 --> 00:15:02,872
This sangria
is amazing, Winston.
454
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,974
My grandmother's recipe,
so I can't take
455
00:15:05,042 --> 00:15:06,275
credit for that.
456
00:15:07,143 --> 00:15:08,011
But seriously, Tia,
457
00:15:08,078 --> 00:15:10,946
you don't want a man who has
fancier underpants than you.
458
00:15:11,014 --> 00:15:12,648
- I keep trying to tell her that.
- It's true.
459
00:15:12,715 --> 00:15:14,749
You want to have the fanciest
drawers in the relationship.
460
00:15:14,817 --> 00:15:15,417
Boom.
461
00:15:15,484 --> 00:15:16,818
- Wow.
- Hmm.
462
00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:34,834
Hey, are you gonna
be done soon?
463
00:15:34,902 --> 00:15:36,036
Maybe.
464
00:15:40,275 --> 00:15:41,841
She can't keep
eating tacos all night.
465
00:15:41,909 --> 00:15:43,309
Yeah.
466
00:15:43,377 --> 00:15:45,144
Because I ate most
of the tacos yesterday.
467
00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:47,780
You know what?
468
00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:48,681
I can't do this.
469
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,449
You're a really great guy,
470
00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:51,950
and, um, I-I
471
00:15:52,018 --> 00:15:54,153
I mean, I don't know that, um,
472
00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:57,890
but honestly, I was just gonna
use you as a giant meat puppet.
473
00:15:58,657 --> 00:16:00,225
I'm looking pretty good right now.
474
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,260
It's just so hard, you know?
475
00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:05,597
I feel so alone sometimes.
476
00:16:07,066 --> 00:16:09,267
And I lied to you.
477
00:16:09,335 --> 00:16:12,070
I'm not a Web creator.
478
00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:13,905
I'm not a player.
479
00:16:20,679 --> 00:16:23,013
- I miss her so much.
- Oh,
480
00:16:23,081 --> 00:16:24,948
she's in... she's just
in the kitchen.
481
00:16:25,016 --> 00:16:26,283
Baby!
482
00:16:26,351 --> 00:16:27,918
Can you make me a smoothie?
483
00:16:33,290 --> 00:16:34,691
You know, just making copies.
484
00:16:34,759 --> 00:16:36,093
Did you do all of this?
485
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,293
- I did.
- No.
486
00:16:37,361 --> 00:16:38,795
- Yeah.
- Really?
487
00:16:38,863 --> 00:16:41,098
And I just want you to know
that there's a photocopy
488
00:16:41,165 --> 00:16:43,200
of my butt somewhere
in your recycling bin.
489
00:16:43,267 --> 00:16:44,567
Okay.
490
00:16:44,635 --> 00:16:46,802
I had a weird moment,
Julia, and I went for it.
491
00:16:46,870 --> 00:16:48,270
Okay, and if anyone finds it,
492
00:16:48,338 --> 00:16:50,539
I want them to know
that I moved during the copy,
493
00:16:50,607 --> 00:16:52,741
and I don't actually
have two butt cracks.
494
00:16:52,808 --> 00:16:53,842
I know.
495
00:16:55,078 --> 00:16:56,445
What?
496
00:16:56,512 --> 00:16:59,548
I've never ever cared
497
00:16:59,616 --> 00:17:01,183
about Valentine's Day before.
498
00:17:01,251 --> 00:17:03,051
Neither have I.
499
00:17:03,119 --> 00:17:04,318
But it's nice.
500
00:17:04,686 --> 00:17:05,920
- Yeah.
- Right?
501
00:17:11,526 --> 00:17:13,762
You did all the
work wrong, though.
502
00:17:14,329 --> 00:17:15,196
Yeah, I know I did.
503
00:17:15,264 --> 00:17:16,497
That's okay.
504
00:17:25,373 --> 00:17:26,974
I'm sorry.
505
00:17:27,041 --> 00:17:28,708
No, no, no,
do what you got to do.
506
00:17:29,777 --> 00:17:31,111
Hi, Ming.
507
00:17:31,679 --> 00:17:32,979
Yeah, I got your text.
508
00:17:33,046 --> 00:17:34,213
And yeah, it was wrong
509
00:17:34,281 --> 00:17:37,348
just like every single other
text you've sent me tonight.
510
00:17:37,416 --> 00:17:38,549
Call I call you tomorrow?
511
00:17:38,617 --> 00:17:40,519
- Yeah, it's fine, go.
- I'm sorry.
512
00:17:41,554 --> 00:17:42,288
Are you really...
513
00:17:42,355 --> 00:17:43,689
Are you arguing
with me about that?
514
00:17:44,457 --> 00:17:46,425
Are you actually arguing
with me about that?
515
00:17:46,493 --> 00:17:48,560
- Bye.
- Bye, girl, thank you.
516
00:17:49,529 --> 00:17:50,461
Bye.
517
00:17:50,529 --> 00:17:51,562
Bye, Shel.
518
00:17:53,832 --> 00:17:54,766
That was fun.
519
00:17:54,834 --> 00:17:56,534
Any time.
520
00:17:57,602 --> 00:17:58,303
So,
521
00:17:58,370 --> 00:17:59,637
you weren't expecting
522
00:17:59,705 --> 00:18:00,738
a girls' night, were you?
523
00:18:01,907 --> 00:18:02,907
Not really.
524
00:18:02,974 --> 00:18:03,675
You know,
525
00:18:03,742 --> 00:18:04,843
Tia needed some tough love.
526
00:18:09,247 --> 00:18:10,915
You keep doing it.
527
00:18:11,682 --> 00:18:12,516
What?
528
00:18:13,283 --> 00:18:15,585
Making up
for how you used to be.
529
00:18:17,588 --> 00:18:18,655
You don't remember?
530
00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:21,325
Valentine's Day, 2008?
531
00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:23,026
You said you'd call.
532
00:18:23,093 --> 00:18:24,260
You didn't.
533
00:18:28,398 --> 00:18:29,598
Um...
534
00:18:30,366 --> 00:18:32,368
I waited all night.
535
00:18:35,105 --> 00:18:38,506
Okay, I don't deserve
a second chance with you, do I?
536
00:18:39,574 --> 00:18:40,876
But here you are.
537
00:18:41,944 --> 00:18:43,212
Getting one.
538
00:18:53,222 --> 00:18:54,088
- Oh.
- Hey.
539
00:18:54,156 --> 00:18:55,917
Hey, what are you
doing home so soon?
540
00:18:55,918 --> 00:18:56,357
Well,
541
00:18:56,424 --> 00:18:58,726
I helped him get back together
with his ex-girlfriend.
542
00:18:58,793 --> 00:19:00,261
He made me video-chat
543
00:19:00,329 --> 00:19:02,163
with his mom in Hawaii
for a couple minutes,
544
00:19:02,231 --> 00:19:04,565
and then, um,
I came home, so...
545
00:19:04,632 --> 00:19:06,167
Jess, you don't
your first one-night stand
546
00:19:06,235 --> 00:19:07,735
to be with some total stranger.
547
00:19:07,802 --> 00:19:09,370
You got to pick someone
who you know,
548
00:19:09,437 --> 00:19:11,338
who's not gonna make a big deal
out of the whole thing.
549
00:19:11,405 --> 00:19:12,949
- Hmm.
- You have an urge,
550
00:19:12,950 --> 00:19:13,806
you act on it.
551
00:19:14,875 --> 00:19:15,342
And...
552
00:19:15,409 --> 00:19:16,809
whatever you do,
553
00:19:16,878 --> 00:19:19,679
leave immediately afterwards.
554
00:19:19,747 --> 00:19:22,182
God help you if you
get sucked into a brunch.
555
00:19:22,250 --> 00:19:25,051
- Thanks, Schmidt.
- Come here.
556
00:19:26,619 --> 00:19:27,519
You smell good.
557
00:19:27,587 --> 00:19:29,855
It's probably the oil
of the ylang-ylang tree.
558
00:19:34,793 --> 00:19:35,727
Don't over think it.
559
00:19:35,795 --> 00:19:36,929
Okay.
560
00:19:46,838 --> 00:19:48,039
Don't over think it.
561
00:19:48,107 --> 00:19:50,441
Don't over...
562
00:19:50,509 --> 00:19:52,743
Don't over think it.
563
00:20:06,124 --> 00:20:07,357
Schmidt?
564
00:20:07,425 --> 00:20:08,458
Hey, Jess, what are you doing?
565
00:20:13,463 --> 00:20:14,363
I was asking Schmidt a question.
566
00:20:14,431 --> 00:20:15,798
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?
567
00:20:16,865 --> 00:20:17,300
Were you...?
568
00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:19,068
- What? No.
- ...with Schmidt?
569
00:20:19,136 --> 00:20:20,736
No! No.
570
00:20:20,804 --> 00:20:21,804
I was holding those,
571
00:20:21,871 --> 00:20:23,906
but I...
572
00:20:23,974 --> 00:20:25,341
Oh, my God.
573
00:20:25,409 --> 00:20:27,209
- What has gotten into you?
- No. No.
574
00:20:27,277 --> 00:20:29,045
- And why do you have so many condoms?
- Shh! Don't ever...
575
00:20:29,112 --> 00:20:30,278
Shh! Don't ever speak
of this again.
576
00:20:30,346 --> 00:20:31,313
You need one.
577
00:20:31,380 --> 00:20:33,114
Tops, two. Let's go.
578
00:20:33,182 --> 00:20:34,950
- We'll get these later.
- I was feeling twirly.
579
00:20:35,017 --> 00:20:36,117
- Nick, Nick...
- No!
580
00:20:36,185 --> 00:20:38,320
You're not having sex
with Schmidt.
581
00:20:38,387 --> 00:20:40,255
This is a danger zone for you.
582
00:20:40,823 --> 00:20:41,923
What is happening out there?
583
00:20:42,390 --> 00:20:43,325
Stop, do not move, okay?
584
00:20:43,392 --> 00:20:44,675
- What? Why...?
- Because if somebody catches us,
585
00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:45,060
I'm gonna say
586
00:20:45,127 --> 00:20:47,194
that you drugged me, and
it's my word against yours.
587
00:20:47,262 --> 00:20:48,262
- Okay?
- Okay, yeah.
588
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:50,497
That-that's fine,
that makes sense.
589
00:20:51,265 --> 00:20:52,799
You smell so good right now.
590
00:20:57,317 --> 00:20:59,150
You are not gonna believe
the stupid thing
591
00:20:59,218 --> 00:21:00,884
I almost did last night.
592
00:21:00,952 --> 00:21:02,487
Tell me.
593
00:21:02,554 --> 00:21:05,990
Okay, but have to promise
never to tell anyone, ever.
594
00:21:06,057 --> 00:21:07,324
Of course, out with it.
595
00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:09,292
Tell me.
596
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,694
Okay, I almost tried
597
00:21:11,762 --> 00:21:14,364
to hook up with Schmidt
598
00:21:14,432 --> 00:21:15,898
last night.
599
00:21:22,405 --> 00:21:24,040
That would have been crazy.
600
00:21:24,608 --> 00:21:25,908
I know!
601
00:21:25,976 --> 00:21:27,977
Can you imagine? Ugh.
602
00:21:28,545 --> 00:21:29,812
I cannot.
603
00:21:30,813 --> 00:21:31,812
I got to go, okay?
604
00:21:32,513 --> 00:21:33,512
Bye.
605
00:21:35,485 --> 00:21:40,620
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com