1
00:00:01,287 --> 00:00:03,688
Here?
You're dropping me off here?
2
00:00:04,256 --> 00:00:06,824
R-Right in front
of this obvious pickpocket?
3
00:00:06,892 --> 00:00:08,559
Look at the size of that guy.
4
00:00:08,627 --> 00:00:10,228
He's clearly new homeless.
5
00:00:10,295 --> 00:00:12,363
We're a mile away
from the loft, Cece.
6
00:00:12,430 --> 00:00:13,230
I'm not getting caught with you.
7
00:00:13,398 --> 00:00:15,266
I'm gonna have to run
all the way home.
8
00:00:15,333 --> 00:00:16,616
And I have
my slippiest loafers on.
9
00:00:16,618 --> 00:00:18,501
If I were you, I would
get walking right now.
10
00:00:18,503 --> 00:00:20,237
You're never gonna
get home before dawn.
11
00:00:20,304 --> 00:00:23,206
Okay, look, I'm fine with you
not telling anybody about us,
12
00:00:23,274 --> 00:00:26,443
but you cannot just
call me at anytime
13
00:00:26,444 --> 00:00:28,578
and just summon me
for intercourse.
14
00:00:28,646 --> 00:00:29,879
I have no control here,
15
00:00:29,946 --> 00:00:33,115
and I'm stressed out
all day long.
16
00:00:33,183 --> 00:00:35,050
It's like you're ripping
the side block
17
00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:36,886
out of my mental Jenga.
18
00:00:36,953 --> 00:00:38,587
I'm totally falling apart.
19
00:00:38,655 --> 00:00:40,322
Okay, Schmidt, you...
20
00:00:40,390 --> 00:00:43,225
you really need to
learn to take a breath
21
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:45,059
and calm down, all right?
22
00:00:45,127 --> 00:00:47,528
We're just being
a little spontaneous.
23
00:00:47,596 --> 00:00:50,265
Words that have never been
used to describe Schmidt:
24
00:00:50,332 --> 00:00:53,134
"spontaneous, flexible,
easy-going."
25
00:00:53,202 --> 00:00:55,003
- I'm like a Marine.
- You're nothing like a Marine.
26
00:00:55,070 --> 00:00:57,071
I'm totally like a Marine, all right?
You know what? Fine...
27
00:00:57,139 --> 00:00:58,940
I'm...
I'm out of here.
28
00:00:59,708 --> 00:01:00,908
Take these,
29
00:01:00,975 --> 00:01:03,110
and take care of them--
I can get a tetanus shot,
30
00:01:03,111 --> 00:01:05,545
but I can't cure damaged suede.
31
00:01:09,417 --> 00:01:10,100
Can you believe
32
00:01:10,101 --> 00:01:11,201
I found this on the street?
33
00:01:11,202 --> 00:01:12,386
Who would want
to throw this away?
34
00:01:12,454 --> 00:01:14,654
A blind man who
suddenly recovered his sight?
35
00:01:14,972 --> 00:01:17,156
Get rid of it, Jess--
pine has no place in this loft.
36
00:01:17,724 --> 00:01:19,391
It's the wood of poor
people and outhouses.
37
00:01:19,709 --> 00:01:21,393
I pay rent, so I think
38
00:01:21,561 --> 00:01:23,642
that gives me the right
to add a few things.
39
00:01:23,643 --> 00:01:24,197
Jess...
40
00:01:25,564 --> 00:01:26,532
you're wrong.
41
00:01:26,899 --> 00:01:27,967
Okay?
42
00:01:27,968 --> 00:01:29,102
My answer's no.
43
00:01:29,169 --> 00:01:30,870
Well, my answer is yes.
44
00:01:30,938 --> 00:01:33,205
- I'm keeping the hutch.
- I had a bad night.
45
00:01:33,272 --> 00:01:36,007
I'm really, I'm just asking you,
please d-don't push me.
46
00:01:36,075 --> 00:01:38,543
'Cause then I'll have to reinstate
my ban on high-waisted shorts.
47
00:01:38,610 --> 00:01:40,011
- You would not dare.
- Try me.
48
00:01:40,079 --> 00:01:42,380
That was the worst
four weeks of my life.
49
00:01:42,448 --> 00:01:45,250
♪ Hey, girl ♪
50
00:01:45,318 --> 00:01:48,519
♪ What you doing? ♪
51
00:01:48,587 --> 00:01:50,554
♪ Hey, girl ♪
52
00:01:50,621 --> 00:01:53,590
♪ Where you going? ♪
53
00:01:53,658 --> 00:01:55,993
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
54
00:01:56,061 --> 00:01:57,694
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
55
00:01:57,762 --> 00:02:00,098
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
56
00:02:00,099 --> 00:02:04,098
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
57
00:02:05,769 --> 00:02:06,636
Hey, Winston,
58
00:02:06,704 --> 00:02:08,037
why are you still drinking?
59
00:02:08,105 --> 00:02:10,173
It is 10:00 in the morning, man.
60
00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,308
Yeah, I know what it'll
feel like when I stop,
61
00:02:12,376 --> 00:02:15,645
so I'm just gonna stay
a little drunk, forever.
62
00:02:15,713 --> 00:02:18,882
Well, why is there no girl
version of you, my man?
63
00:02:19,851 --> 00:02:20,817
Moving on.
64
00:02:20,885 --> 00:02:22,618
So, last night's poker game.
65
00:02:23,186 --> 00:02:23,953
Got pretty intense.
66
00:02:24,021 --> 00:02:25,455
I don't even know what
you're talking about--
67
00:02:25,522 --> 00:02:26,622
I was so hammered last night.
68
00:02:26,690 --> 00:02:28,592
I've never been more sober
in my whole life.
69
00:02:28,659 --> 00:02:30,659
I'll remember this
as long as I live.
70
00:02:30,727 --> 00:02:32,795
I'm all in.
Uno, bitches.
71
00:02:33,863 --> 00:02:35,331
Read 'em and weep.
72
00:02:36,149 --> 00:02:37,199
- Straight flush.
- Aw!
73
00:02:37,766 --> 00:02:38,666
So, what do I owe you, 20 bucks?
74
00:02:38,734 --> 00:02:39,801
- 20 bucks?
- Yeah.
75
00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,537
You owe me $487.
76
00:02:43,105 --> 00:02:44,772
Come on, Winston!
77
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:47,308
Aah! Schmidt
makes me so mad!
78
00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:48,843
I want to put one thing,
79
00:02:48,911 --> 00:02:50,411
one thing in the living room,
80
00:02:50,479 --> 00:02:51,646
and he won't let me.
81
00:02:51,714 --> 00:02:52,870
I'm not putting up with this.
82
00:02:52,898 --> 00:02:53,864
Oh, yes, you are.
83
00:02:53,931 --> 00:02:55,499
We live in a fragile ecosystem.
84
00:02:55,567 --> 00:02:56,967
It's a delicate balance.
85
00:02:57,035 --> 00:02:58,469
It's a broken ecosystem,
86
00:02:58,537 --> 00:03:00,904
- dominated by an apex predator.
- Chill out, Jess.
87
00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:02,839
We let him run the house,
no big deal.
88
00:03:02,907 --> 00:03:05,409
The boy cooks and cleans--
and happily, I might add.
89
00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:06,910
Yeah, he probably
couldn't sleep last night
90
00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:09,012
'cause he was so excited
to clean up after us.
91
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:10,813
I know he's been
bad lately, but...
92
00:03:10,881 --> 00:03:12,382
Schmidt's an odd bird.
93
00:03:12,449 --> 00:03:13,749
He can't handle it when things
94
00:03:13,817 --> 00:03:15,418
aren't clean and orderly.
95
00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:17,487
It's been that way
since the day he moved in.
96
00:03:18,055 --> 00:03:20,490
Welcome to your
new home, Schmidt.
97
00:03:20,558 --> 00:03:22,225
Come on, play ball.
98
00:03:26,646 --> 00:03:27,629
Coming home!
99
00:03:33,469 --> 00:03:35,804
Well, I'm fed up with it.
100
00:03:35,871 --> 00:03:38,173
And he's got to
learn how to relax.
101
00:03:38,241 --> 00:03:39,808
And, Nick, why do you have...
102
00:03:39,875 --> 00:03:41,375
cannons drawn
all over your back?
103
00:03:41,443 --> 00:03:42,410
Those aren't cannons, Jess.
104
00:03:42,477 --> 00:03:43,578
Long-stem mushrooms?
105
00:03:43,645 --> 00:03:45,112
- Nope.
- Oh, so that's...
106
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:46,780
not a mossy cave.
107
00:03:46,848 --> 00:03:47,682
Mm-mm.
108
00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:49,149
- Mmm, no.
- Probably not.
109
00:03:58,125 --> 00:03:59,226
What the...?
110
00:03:59,293 --> 00:04:01,328
What is happening...?
111
00:04:01,895 --> 00:04:02,862
I can't take this right now.
112
00:04:03,430 --> 00:04:05,131
What, do we live in a pawnshop?
113
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:07,066
Hey, Schmidt.
114
00:04:07,134 --> 00:04:08,668
Hey,
Jess. What, uh...
115
00:04:09,436 --> 00:04:10,636
Where did all this come from?
116
00:04:10,804 --> 00:04:12,371
I found the afghan
underneath a Dumpster
117
00:04:12,372 --> 00:04:13,905
outside an animal shelter.
118
00:04:13,973 --> 00:04:16,408
And I found the lamp
underneath the afghan.
119
00:04:16,776 --> 00:04:18,310
I'm gonna assume that
these are your spices
120
00:04:18,378 --> 00:04:20,078
- jammed in here with my spices.
- Yep.
121
00:04:20,146 --> 00:04:22,281
I would really appreciate it
if your non-Tahitian vanilla
122
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,015
was not touching
my Tahitian vanilla.
123
00:04:24,083 --> 00:04:26,184
Oh, Schmidt,
they're more than touching.
124
00:04:26,253 --> 00:04:28,320
What's it like
living in the most populous isle
125
00:04:28,388 --> 00:04:30,020
in French Polynesia?
126
00:04:30,088 --> 00:04:32,724
I could tell you, or...
I could show you.
127
00:04:32,791 --> 00:04:34,559
Not in front of the cloves.
128
00:04:34,627 --> 00:04:35,893
Where's my burr coffee grinder?
129
00:04:35,961 --> 00:04:37,729
Oh, you know, I
think it's in the hutch.
130
00:04:37,796 --> 00:04:39,497
You put it in the hutch?
131
00:04:39,565 --> 00:04:42,032
The... aah, this thing
was on the street.
132
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,834
It's a coffee grinder, Schmidt.
133
00:04:43,902 --> 00:04:45,535
I think it'll be okay.
134
00:04:45,603 --> 00:04:48,304
A top-of-the-line
conical burr coffee grinder.
135
00:04:48,372 --> 00:04:49,873
You know what that means?
It means it doesn't
136
00:04:49,940 --> 00:04:52,509
smash up the beans like
some pedestrian blade grinder.
137
00:04:52,577 --> 00:04:54,678
It actually grinds them,
138
00:04:54,746 --> 00:04:57,514
for a deeper, richer, more
satisfying flavor profile!
139
00:04:57,582 --> 00:05:00,316
Oh. Well,
I've used it repeatedly
140
00:05:00,317 --> 00:05:01,751
to make homemade crayons.
141
00:05:02,118 --> 00:05:04,586
Does that show up in your
flavor profile, Schmidt?
142
00:05:04,754 --> 00:05:06,622
Uh, yeah, that's fine.
143
00:05:07,890 --> 00:05:09,257
If you're looking
for your oven mitts,
144
00:05:09,325 --> 00:05:10,359
they're in the top drawer
of the hutch.
145
00:05:10,427 --> 00:05:12,261
Oh. Okay, fair enough.
146
00:05:13,329 --> 00:05:14,029
Hutch is gone.
147
00:05:14,097 --> 00:05:14,997
- No.
- No, no, no.
148
00:05:15,064 --> 00:05:16,599
- - No. - No hutch.
- No, no!
149
00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:18,733
- Stop! Don't move the hutch.
- Bye-bye, hutch!
150
00:05:18,801 --> 00:05:20,001
This thing makes me
emotionally nauseous!
151
00:05:20,068 --> 00:05:21,903
This is my hutch.
Don't move it!
152
00:05:21,970 --> 00:05:22,904
All right, you're
right, you're right...
153
00:05:22,971 --> 00:05:24,439
I'm so sorry.
You're right.
154
00:05:24,507 --> 00:05:25,740
It's a beautiful piece.
155
00:05:26,108 --> 00:05:28,310
It looks great there.
156
00:05:29,077 --> 00:05:30,077
My apologies.
157
00:05:30,645 --> 00:05:31,613
Thank you.
158
00:05:39,353 --> 00:05:40,354
Oops.
159
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:50,963
Schmidt, you have
a real problem.
160
00:05:52,181 --> 00:05:54,300
You've got to learn
to calm down.
161
00:05:55,018 --> 00:05:56,202
Yeah, yeah.
162
00:06:01,699 --> 00:06:03,232
I love the beach.
163
00:06:03,301 --> 00:06:05,568
Now, isn't this better
than arguing about a hutch?
164
00:06:05,636 --> 00:06:08,971
Yeah, if you like hanging out on
the rim of a giant fish toilet.
165
00:06:09,039 --> 00:06:11,240
Jess, I can't believe you
brought me down here.
166
00:06:11,309 --> 00:06:14,143
This is a great place
to talk about your problems.
167
00:06:14,211 --> 00:06:16,202
Jess, this sucks--
I just want to go home.
168
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:17,780
Schmidt, come here.
169
00:06:18,348 --> 00:06:21,250
Look. You got the
birds in the sky.
170
00:06:23,786 --> 00:06:24,954
Sea and sand.
171
00:06:25,722 --> 00:06:27,456
The wind in our hair.
172
00:06:29,558 --> 00:06:30,992
You've lost your kite!
173
00:06:31,060 --> 00:06:33,394
Have fun flying your
string all day!
174
00:06:33,462 --> 00:06:35,129
Sorry I forgot my wallet.
175
00:06:35,197 --> 00:06:37,198
Thank you for paying;
It's delicious.
176
00:06:37,265 --> 00:06:38,834
Yeah, which is weird, because
I clearly remember saying,
177
00:06:38,835 --> 00:06:40,635
"Hey, man, don't
forget your wallet."
178
00:06:40,703 --> 00:06:42,570
- And then I still forgot it.
- You still forget it. Wow, it's weird.
179
00:06:42,571 --> 00:06:44,439
- Yeah, you said that. We're getting older.
- Yeah, I said that.
180
00:06:44,506 --> 00:06:46,140
Okay, this is a good segue.
181
00:06:46,208 --> 00:06:47,207
Um...
182
00:06:47,958 --> 00:06:49,175
can I talk to you
183
00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:50,510
about something that's
kind of tough?
184
00:06:52,208 --> 00:06:53,314
Yeah, man, shoot.
185
00:06:53,315 --> 00:06:56,983
"The subject of this talk is
the debt of money between us.
186
00:06:57,051 --> 00:06:58,585
- I feel that..."
- Oh, man!
187
00:06:58,653 --> 00:07:00,687
I thought this was
about something serious.
188
00:07:00,755 --> 00:07:02,288
You set that up like it was
about something different.
189
00:07:02,357 --> 00:07:03,957
This is about the poker?
190
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:06,459
Oh, I'll pay you
your money. Relax.
191
00:07:10,246 --> 00:07:12,197
"If I am reading this section,
then I can only assume
192
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,466
"you have told me to relax.
193
00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:15,901
- You wrote that?
- "Let me assure you I am very relaxed,
194
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:18,504
"although I have good
reason not to be,
195
00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:19,872
"as you owe me
a very large sum."
196
00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:22,204
I will pay you the
money, you clown.
197
00:07:22,205 --> 00:07:23,942
"I am aware that
we're both broke,
198
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:26,979
"one of us embarrassingly
so. Points to Nick.
199
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:29,414
"I have recently tumbled down
the socioeconomic ladder
200
00:07:29,482 --> 00:07:30,349
"and have hit rock bottom,
201
00:07:30,416 --> 00:07:32,517
- "where you, Nick Miller,
- Thank you.
202
00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:34,886
"Have been waiting patiently
for the past 15 years.
203
00:07:34,953 --> 00:07:36,203
"But I want that money.
204
00:07:36,204 --> 00:07:38,522
"Give me my money.
I really mean it.
205
00:07:38,590 --> 00:07:41,091
"It's my money.
You owe me that money,
206
00:07:41,158 --> 00:07:43,260
"so give me my
money. Seriously.
207
00:07:43,327 --> 00:07:44,561
- Are you finished?
- "Where is the money, dude?
208
00:07:44,629 --> 00:07:47,297
- You wrote "dude"?
- "But I am not without pity.
209
00:07:47,365 --> 00:07:49,867
I am willing to just
call it an even $200."
210
00:07:51,403 --> 00:07:53,536
Everything let go
with just $200?
211
00:07:53,604 --> 00:07:56,506
- Right.
- All right, I can do $200.
212
00:07:57,073 --> 00:07:59,141
- $200? Two hundo clean?
- Yep.
213
00:07:59,709 --> 00:08:00,709
All right.
214
00:08:06,349 --> 00:08:08,483
I did pay for gas here, though.
215
00:08:08,551 --> 00:08:10,184
So that's, let's say, ten bucks.
216
00:08:10,752 --> 00:08:11,653
So we're at $190.
217
00:08:11,721 --> 00:08:13,988
We'll say clean $190.
218
00:08:14,456 --> 00:08:16,190
I hate to be this guy...
219
00:08:16,558 --> 00:08:18,259
but I got the fights on Friday,
220
00:08:18,327 --> 00:08:20,295
so that's $30.
So let's call it $160
221
00:08:20,362 --> 00:08:22,363
and be done with it.
222
00:08:24,133 --> 00:08:26,968
$20 for beer that night,
so $160 takes us to $140.
223
00:08:27,036 --> 00:08:28,536
Just to be fair.
224
00:08:28,604 --> 00:08:30,638
And I didn't write
a stupid letter about it.
225
00:08:30,705 --> 00:08:32,172
But let's say right now $140.
226
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:34,207
You ate a lot of the nachos!
227
00:08:35,477 --> 00:08:38,246
Littering!
$15 for littering!
228
00:08:39,114 --> 00:08:41,281
♪ What a way to live... ♪
229
00:08:41,349 --> 00:08:42,983
How fun is this!
230
00:08:44,451 --> 00:08:45,953
It's not my cup of tea.
231
00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:48,755
♪ Don't you know that life ♪
232
00:08:48,823 --> 00:08:51,891
♪ Don't wait for death? ♪
233
00:08:53,727 --> 00:08:56,095
♪ Choo-choo ♪
234
00:08:57,597 --> 00:08:58,364
No!
235
00:08:58,431 --> 00:08:59,898
No! No, Jess, no!
236
00:08:59,967 --> 00:09:03,001
I can't believe I never noticed
this before, but, Schmidt,
237
00:09:03,069 --> 00:09:05,136
you are legitimately crazy.
238
00:09:05,204 --> 00:09:06,905
I think we're all a little bit
crazy, don't you think, Jess?
239
00:09:06,974 --> 00:09:10,709
No, I mean, you're like aging-
ballerina, child-chess-prodigy,
240
00:09:10,777 --> 00:09:12,477
professional-magician crazy.
241
00:09:12,544 --> 00:09:15,680
It's my mom's fault-- you know,
I come from a Jewish family,
242
00:09:15,747 --> 00:09:18,683
but she used to tell me the reason
Santa didn't come to our house
243
00:09:18,750 --> 00:09:20,217
was because my room was dirty.
244
00:09:20,285 --> 00:09:22,219
The only thing I ever
controlled was what I ate.
245
00:09:22,287 --> 00:09:24,755
- That's why I got fat.
- Yeah, I got fat 'cause I used to eat
246
00:09:24,823 --> 00:09:27,625
Concord grape jelly from the jar
using a candy bar as a fork.
247
00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:29,793
It's because you didn't
have any structure.
248
00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:31,828
You know what I mean?
That's what happens
249
00:09:31,896 --> 00:09:32,863
when you don't have any rules.
250
00:09:32,930 --> 00:09:36,099
None of these people have rules.
Especially that guy.
251
00:09:36,166 --> 00:09:37,901
He's wearing ladies'
bikini bottoms.
252
00:09:37,969 --> 00:09:40,236
Jess, I'm not
like these people, okay?
253
00:09:40,304 --> 00:09:43,740
I don't have dreadlocks.
I don't own a snake.
254
00:09:43,808 --> 00:09:45,641
And I don't understand how these
people think that they're relaxed,
255
00:09:45,709 --> 00:09:47,976
because they're not-- they
just have nothing to do.
256
00:09:47,994 --> 00:09:50,380
That's not me.
It's not that easy for me.
257
00:09:50,447 --> 00:09:53,015
Sounds to me like a lot
of excuses, Schmidt.
258
00:09:53,082 --> 00:09:54,984
Just be spontaneous.
259
00:10:27,881 --> 00:10:29,049
Hey, Nick.
260
00:10:29,417 --> 00:10:31,184
Look, man, I'm sorry to bother
you while you're clearly
261
00:10:31,185 --> 00:10:33,019
sitting here working hard
making lots of money.
262
00:10:33,087 --> 00:10:34,356
- All right.
- But if you'd kindly
263
00:10:34,357 --> 00:10:35,588
just pause that for one second,
264
00:10:35,656 --> 00:10:37,823
I have a few accounts
that I'd like to settle.
265
00:10:38,391 --> 00:10:39,659
Account number one:
266
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:42,628
A $15 receipt for a
Chinatown box turtle.
267
00:10:42,696 --> 00:10:44,964
- Bam. Here we go.
- We're doing this, huh?
268
00:10:45,032 --> 00:10:47,366
- - Yeah, we are doing this. - Great
- Item number two:
269
00:10:47,434 --> 00:10:51,269
Cancelled $35 check for
registration of a domain name--
270
00:10:51,336 --> 00:10:52,871
"It's Nick Miller Time.com."
271
00:10:52,939 --> 00:10:55,200
"Hey, guys, Winston,
I got a good idea, man.
272
00:10:55,201 --> 00:10:56,241
I'm gonna be a
big-time blogger."
273
00:10:56,309 --> 00:10:57,909
- I have to go to work...
- Uh-huh.
274
00:10:57,977 --> 00:11:00,779
...At a bar, where
you drink for free.
275
00:11:00,846 --> 00:11:02,083
- Wow.
- How much does four
276
00:11:02,084 --> 00:11:04,415
hundred cognac and colas
add up to, Winston?
277
00:11:04,583 --> 00:11:05,316
- You want to go there?
- Yeah.
278
00:11:05,317 --> 00:11:06,718
Okay. How about all the
times I sat around
279
00:11:06,719 --> 00:11:08,252
listening to you bitch and moan
280
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,721
about how Caroline broke
your precious little heart?
281
00:11:10,789 --> 00:11:13,323
- Okay, in eighth grade...
- Eighth grade.
282
00:11:13,391 --> 00:11:15,926
- ...You "accidentally" saw my mom naked.
- Mm-hmm.
283
00:11:15,994 --> 00:11:19,062
Before she stopped exercising
and let herself get chubby.
284
00:11:19,430 --> 00:11:20,330
Okay?
285
00:11:20,331 --> 00:11:21,698
So how much is that,
in terms of money?
286
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:23,233
'Cause I haven't
gotten over that.
287
00:11:23,301 --> 00:11:26,102
- And I would say four to $5,000.
- Hey, guys. Hey, guys.
288
00:11:26,169 --> 00:11:28,505
Schmidt, Winston saw my mother naked
in eighth grade; in terms of mon--
289
00:11:28,506 --> 00:11:31,407
I waded into the ocean
without my aqua socks.
290
00:11:31,475 --> 00:11:32,541
Mm, he did.
291
00:11:32,610 --> 00:11:33,676
He let go.
292
00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:40,515
He washed his hands
in a public restroom.
293
00:11:40,583 --> 00:11:42,083
And there was a man in there.
294
00:11:42,151 --> 00:11:44,720
And he was using the toilet,
full sit, no door.
295
00:11:44,788 --> 00:11:46,087
And I didn't break eye contact.
296
00:11:46,255 --> 00:11:46,888
Not once.
297
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:49,424
That's not letting go,
that's cruising.
298
00:11:50,727 --> 00:11:51,928
Hey, Schmidt.
299
00:11:52,996 --> 00:11:54,695
- There's a spill.
- I know.
300
00:11:54,763 --> 00:11:56,397
Do your exercise. You know.
301
00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:58,799
Yeah, okay, the exercise.
302
00:12:00,702 --> 00:12:05,406
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
303
00:12:07,109 --> 00:12:08,409
I feel great.
304
00:12:08,477 --> 00:12:10,204
I'm gonna go take a shower
with Nick's bar soap,
305
00:12:10,205 --> 00:12:11,679
like a common ranch hand.
306
00:12:12,747 --> 00:12:15,070
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
307
00:12:15,071 --> 00:12:15,982
What is going on?
308
00:12:16,250 --> 00:12:17,551
You messed with the ecosystem.
309
00:12:17,719 --> 00:12:19,286
And you guys said
it couldn't be done.
310
00:12:19,354 --> 00:12:21,255
You have no idea
what you're getting into.
311
00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:22,823
You're welcome.
312
00:12:28,316 --> 00:12:29,984
Schmidt, you're killing
with me with that drumming!
313
00:12:30,052 --> 00:12:31,686
You're killing me!
314
00:12:31,687 --> 00:12:34,521
Look at this mess.
How did this happen?
315
00:12:34,590 --> 00:12:35,990
So, this is your fault.
316
00:12:36,058 --> 00:12:37,825
No. No.
317
00:12:37,893 --> 00:12:39,259
This is good for Schmidt.
318
00:12:39,327 --> 00:12:41,028
'Cause you guys have been
taking advantage of him
319
00:12:41,096 --> 00:12:42,496
for years.
320
00:12:42,564 --> 00:12:44,230
You make him cook,
you make him clean...
321
00:12:44,298 --> 00:12:45,865
Where's my money, dude?
322
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:48,434
Frankly, it's... sexist.
323
00:12:48,502 --> 00:12:50,203
Oh, my God. Ew!
324
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,471
How's it sexist?
325
00:12:52,288 --> 00:12:53,239
Who's cleaning up?
326
00:12:53,307 --> 00:12:55,475
- I cleaned this morning.
- All right, fine.
327
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,543
- I'll clean, you guys go to the store.
- Act like an adult.
328
00:12:57,612 --> 00:12:58,877
I'm not going
to the store with him.
329
00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:01,780
- Where's my money, dude...?
- Stop throwing things at each other.
330
00:13:01,848 --> 00:13:04,182
- Oh, come on.
- Where is the money?
331
00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:05,383
You're a child.
332
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:06,852
...My car, too, while you...
333
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:07,987
Silence, friends!
334
00:13:08,054 --> 00:13:09,588
I made you necklaces.
335
00:13:10,056 --> 00:13:11,590
Hey, do you want
to go to the store?
336
00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,692
Please, God, yes.
337
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,761
$100? How did Schmidt buy all
these groceries with 100 bucks?
338
00:13:16,829 --> 00:13:18,529
- It's only $100?
- $100.
339
00:13:18,597 --> 00:13:20,204
You should've told... we have
way too much stuff, man.
340
00:13:20,205 --> 00:13:22,366
- Yeah, like shrimp cocktail.
- We don't need a baked ham.
341
00:13:22,434 --> 00:13:23,768
- All right.
- Winston?
342
00:13:24,586 --> 00:13:25,569
- Sorry about that.
- Really? Really?
343
00:13:26,338 --> 00:13:27,371
Two cake mixes?
344
00:13:27,439 --> 00:13:29,507
- Really? All these soups?
- Pizza? Frozen pizza?
345
00:13:29,574 --> 00:13:31,074
You fat ass. What are you trying to do, die?
Shut up, dude.
346
00:13:31,142 --> 00:13:33,043
We have enough ketchup.
We have enough ketchup! Come on, really?
347
00:13:33,111 --> 00:13:34,511
Next, please.
348
00:13:34,578 --> 00:13:35,712
Oh, hey, how you doing, sir?
349
00:13:35,780 --> 00:13:37,447
We only have $100, Gary,
350
00:13:37,515 --> 00:13:39,549
so could you stop checking us
out when we hit $100?
351
00:13:39,617 --> 00:13:41,084
Yeah, you got to
include tax, too,
352
00:13:41,152 --> 00:13:43,186
- so, like, $93, just... Cool?
- Yeah, just that'll do.
353
00:13:43,254 --> 00:13:44,287
Okay, guys.
354
00:13:44,355 --> 00:13:44,728
Thanks.
355
00:13:44,729 --> 00:13:46,222
I'm gonna put my
stuff at the front,
356
00:13:46,290 --> 00:13:47,770
'cause you obviously
don't know how to shop.
357
00:13:47,771 --> 00:13:48,724
You're being ridiculous.
358
00:13:48,792 --> 00:13:50,626
- Are you getting me?
- We have enough ketchup.
359
00:13:51,694 --> 00:13:52,594
Epsom salt?
360
00:13:52,663 --> 00:13:53,312
- Yeah, okay.
- What,
361
00:13:53,313 --> 00:13:54,329
are you too good
for regular salt?
362
00:13:54,397 --> 00:13:56,165
You know damn well
I got to soak my trick foot.
363
00:13:56,232 --> 00:13:58,134
Oh, Winnie, your
little trick foot.
364
00:13:58,201 --> 00:14:00,169
Yeah, my trick foot,
and don't ever call me Winnie.
365
00:14:00,236 --> 00:14:01,603
- Aw, Winnie...
- Fine.
366
00:14:02,172 --> 00:14:03,138
You don't owe me anything.
367
00:14:03,205 --> 00:14:04,739
The slate is clean.
We're good, we're even.
368
00:14:04,807 --> 00:14:06,107
Oh, good, that's
how I feel, too.
369
00:14:06,175 --> 00:14:08,843
Because in my mind, your mom
will always be the winner
370
00:14:08,911 --> 00:14:11,012
- of Best Boobs.
- Really, Best Boobs?
371
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:12,747
- Yeah. Master's Division.
- You're gonna talk about my mother?
372
00:14:12,815 --> 00:14:14,082
You're gonna talk
about my mom's boobs?
373
00:14:14,150 --> 00:14:15,249
Is that...
you gonna go there?
374
00:14:15,317 --> 00:14:16,551
Don't push me
in a supermarket, man.
375
00:14:17,118 --> 00:14:18,386
You started this.
376
00:14:20,453 --> 00:14:21,989
- Did you just slap me in the face?
- No, I did not.
377
00:14:22,057 --> 00:14:23,791
I don't know what
you're talking about.
378
00:14:28,029 --> 00:14:29,697
I'm not afraid of you, man.
379
00:14:31,332 --> 00:14:33,033
Don't act your...
380
00:14:38,271 --> 00:14:39,338
Grow up, dude!
381
00:14:41,641 --> 00:14:43,542
Hey, Schmidt.
382
00:14:43,610 --> 00:14:45,311
Oh, hello, Jess.
383
00:14:45,378 --> 00:14:46,746
- Hey.
- What are you doing out here?
384
00:14:46,814 --> 00:14:50,249
Oh, just checking up on you.
385
00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:52,117
Oh, I see you're
eating street meat
386
00:14:52,185 --> 00:14:53,651
wrapped in street meat.
387
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,688
This is my man, Gordon.
388
00:14:55,755 --> 00:14:58,256
You've outdone yourself
once again, Gordon.
389
00:14:58,324 --> 00:14:59,691
Excellent.
390
00:14:59,759 --> 00:15:01,259
- Did you go to work today?
- No, no. No work.
391
00:15:01,627 --> 00:15:02,861
I haven't been there in a while.
392
00:15:02,929 --> 00:15:04,963
- How long is a while?
- I don't know. Three days?
393
00:15:05,031 --> 00:15:08,766
Schmidt, I made a mistake
in bringing you down here.
394
00:15:09,334 --> 00:15:11,335
I shouldn't have done that.
395
00:15:11,402 --> 00:15:12,703
Please come home.
396
00:15:12,971 --> 00:15:14,138
Why?
397
00:15:14,506 --> 00:15:16,040
So I can cook and clean?
398
00:15:16,108 --> 00:15:18,542
So I can show you
where the vacuum is?
399
00:15:19,110 --> 00:15:20,811
All right.
400
00:15:20,879 --> 00:15:23,379
Okay, fine, I don't know
where the vacuum is.
401
00:15:23,747 --> 00:15:25,415
That is one reason
why I came here,
402
00:15:25,932 --> 00:15:27,783
but I really want
you to come home.
403
00:15:27,851 --> 00:15:30,553
Everything's falling apart
without you.
404
00:15:30,621 --> 00:15:33,623
Nick and Winston
are fighting all the time.
405
00:15:33,690 --> 00:15:36,459
And all of us lost our keys
to the mailbox.
406
00:15:36,526 --> 00:15:39,201
Schmidt, just listen
to me, because you
407
00:15:39,229 --> 00:15:41,563
don't belong here, like, really.
408
00:15:41,631 --> 00:15:42,631
Do you remember when you
409
00:15:42,698 --> 00:15:45,133
got yourself off
to An Inconvenient Truth?
410
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,934
How about when you dress up
411
00:15:47,002 --> 00:15:50,305
like Shia Labeouf from
Wall Street Two for Halloween?
412
00:15:50,673 --> 00:15:51,974
Do you remember when you said
413
00:15:52,041 --> 00:15:55,243
jazz music was America's
greatest mistake?
414
00:15:55,310 --> 00:15:57,678
Say it in drums, Jessica Day.
415
00:15:57,746 --> 00:15:59,481
Me hablo drums.
416
00:16:02,750 --> 00:16:03,384
Hey, man.
417
00:16:03,385 --> 00:16:05,052
I got the last frozen thing.
418
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:08,322
I was gonna ice my wrist, but...
419
00:16:08,890 --> 00:16:10,357
How about this?
420
00:16:10,725 --> 00:16:11,892
Take half, pal.
421
00:16:12,259 --> 00:16:13,493
So kind of you.
422
00:16:15,029 --> 00:16:17,097
That hurts, man.
423
00:16:18,899 --> 00:16:20,300
I am so hungry.
424
00:16:20,367 --> 00:16:21,935
Remember those things that
Schmidt used to make us
425
00:16:22,003 --> 00:16:24,905
with the peanut butter
and the raisins on the celery?
426
00:16:25,472 --> 00:16:26,406
What were those called?
427
00:16:26,473 --> 00:16:27,306
Ants on a log.
428
00:16:27,373 --> 00:16:28,974
Ants on a log.
429
00:16:29,042 --> 00:16:31,177
I just got why they're called
ants on a log.
430
00:16:31,994 --> 00:16:33,345
Looks like ants on a log.
431
00:16:33,913 --> 00:16:35,147
I'm hungry, man.
432
00:16:35,215 --> 00:16:37,049
Hey, Schmidt,
is that you, buddy?
433
00:16:37,417 --> 00:16:39,218
No, it's me.
434
00:16:39,286 --> 00:16:40,585
What the hell happened to you?
435
00:16:40,653 --> 00:16:41,854
I went down to the beach,
436
00:16:41,922 --> 00:16:43,822
and I tried to talk to Schmidt,
437
00:16:43,889 --> 00:16:45,690
but he just ignored me,
438
00:16:45,757 --> 00:16:47,959
and he went back to twirling
his fire baton.
439
00:16:48,327 --> 00:16:50,394
He's really bad;
He burned a lot of people.
440
00:16:50,462 --> 00:16:52,797
I feel like they should let you
twirl it around a few times
441
00:16:52,865 --> 00:16:54,565
before they actually
light it on fire.
442
00:16:54,633 --> 00:16:56,067
Well, look, Jess,
being friends with Schmidt
443
00:16:56,135 --> 00:16:58,102
is really complicated.
444
00:16:58,170 --> 00:16:59,303
'Cause you want to change him
445
00:16:59,370 --> 00:17:01,071
so badly,
446
00:17:01,139 --> 00:17:04,007
but you can't
'cause he'll just get worse.
447
00:17:04,075 --> 00:17:07,677
You guys were right,
I upset the ecosystem.
448
00:17:08,245 --> 00:17:10,047
This is not what I wanted.
449
00:17:10,614 --> 00:17:13,483
I just wanted
to put my hutch here.
450
00:17:13,551 --> 00:17:16,052
Make the place my own,
be a part of the family.
451
00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:17,553
What family?
With these clowns?
452
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,823
Yeah, you clowns.
453
00:17:19,890 --> 00:17:21,490
Well, look,
you want in, you're in.
454
00:17:21,559 --> 00:17:24,327
Congratulations,
welcome to the family, Jess.
455
00:17:24,394 --> 00:17:25,294
Aww.
456
00:17:25,363 --> 00:17:27,730
Yeah, we don't "aww"
in this family.
457
00:17:36,671 --> 00:17:37,304
Hey, guys.
458
00:17:37,373 --> 00:17:38,173
Hey, Schmidt.
459
00:17:38,174 --> 00:17:40,208
Um, we need to talk.
460
00:17:42,844 --> 00:17:44,379
Something not cool?
461
00:17:48,562 --> 00:17:49,996
Schmidt, we miss you.
462
00:17:50,563 --> 00:17:51,663
You just want me to clean.
463
00:17:51,731 --> 00:17:53,232
No, that's not true.
464
00:17:53,299 --> 00:17:54,499
- Well, it's a little bit true.
- There's truth to that.
465
00:17:54,566 --> 00:17:55,966
Okay, look.
I want you to clean.
466
00:17:56,035 --> 00:17:57,968
Look, we're so proud of you
467
00:17:58,037 --> 00:17:59,670
for letting go, and relaxing.
468
00:18:00,238 --> 00:18:02,072
But this isn't like you.
469
00:18:02,140 --> 00:18:04,641
You can run away
from your problems, but
470
00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:06,776
you're just gonna find
new ones that pop up
471
00:18:06,844 --> 00:18:08,178
like hepatitis.
472
00:18:08,246 --> 00:18:09,979
And Nick and Winston
473
00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:12,916
want to say to you
that they really miss you.
474
00:18:12,983 --> 00:18:14,051
You're freaking me out, man.
475
00:18:14,118 --> 00:18:15,852
Why are you wearing
that crystal around your neck?
476
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,886
Nick, the crystal
symbolizes energy.
477
00:18:17,954 --> 00:18:20,089
All a crystal is
is rock poo, Schmidt.
478
00:18:20,157 --> 00:18:21,857
Look, I need you, Schmidt.
479
00:18:22,425 --> 00:18:25,761
Okay, I need you to tell me
what pants not to wear
480
00:18:25,828 --> 00:18:27,896
and to exercise more often.
481
00:18:27,964 --> 00:18:29,398
I need you to make fun
of me when I call
482
00:18:29,466 --> 00:18:31,767
a panini a hot sandwich;
How am I ever gonna learn?
483
00:18:31,834 --> 00:18:32,801
I even miss
484
00:18:32,869 --> 00:18:33,968
your hair chutney.
485
00:18:34,036 --> 00:18:36,204
Without you, man, we're just
486
00:18:36,272 --> 00:18:38,039
three idiots who live together.
487
00:18:40,241 --> 00:18:41,609
You make us a family.
488
00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:47,014
Well, I'm the cool
rebel brother.
489
00:18:47,083 --> 00:18:48,098
- You're the mom.
- The mother.
490
00:18:48,099 --> 00:18:48,483
Mom.
491
00:18:48,551 --> 00:18:49,950
Look, Schmidt, if you come back
492
00:18:50,017 --> 00:18:53,487
to us, I'll let you
clean my room.
493
00:18:54,855 --> 00:18:56,490
The white whale?
494
00:18:56,558 --> 00:18:59,426
Think about how many
dust bunnies are under my bed.
495
00:18:59,794 --> 00:19:00,860
How many stray socks.
496
00:19:01,128 --> 00:19:02,096
Hey, Schmidt,
497
00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:03,863
I got you something.
498
00:19:03,931 --> 00:19:05,664
Is that a boutique box?
499
00:19:05,732 --> 00:19:10,470
A pair of gray, shiny, twill,
flat-front trousers
500
00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:13,573
designed by a man named Calvin.
501
00:19:14,140 --> 00:19:15,642
Never been tried on.
502
00:19:15,710 --> 00:19:17,843
Pockets are sewn shut.
503
00:19:17,911 --> 00:19:20,012
Don't you just want to get
your thumbs in there
504
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,046
and rip?
505
00:19:22,915 --> 00:19:24,416
Okay, so, I'm just
gonna leave this
506
00:19:24,484 --> 00:19:25,750
on your bongo drum,
507
00:19:26,568 --> 00:19:28,686
and you can, you know,
508
00:19:28,754 --> 00:19:31,022
give them a whirl
if you feel like it.
509
00:19:35,595 --> 00:19:37,462
Just make the right decision.
510
00:19:38,530 --> 00:19:39,863
Come home.
511
00:19:40,681 --> 00:19:43,000
Take the pants.
512
00:19:51,808 --> 00:19:53,176
Oh, come here.
513
00:20:00,183 --> 00:20:01,851
Calvin.
514
00:20:01,918 --> 00:20:04,521
You magnificent wizard.
515
00:20:13,663 --> 00:20:14,996
Scmidtty.
516
00:20:16,464 --> 00:20:18,087
Nick, your hair
is doing that thing
517
00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:19,301
that I just... I just hate.
518
00:20:19,869 --> 00:20:21,470
And Jess, can you please
ask Winston to help you
519
00:20:21,538 --> 00:20:23,305
move the furniture out?
He could use the exercise.
520
00:20:23,373 --> 00:20:25,540
You're looking a little,
you know...
521
00:20:25,607 --> 00:20:27,507
- He's back.
- And Nick, Winston,
522
00:20:27,776 --> 00:20:28,609
we have a urinal.
523
00:20:28,677 --> 00:20:30,344
How are you still missing?
524
00:20:30,912 --> 00:20:31,979
Schmidt?
525
00:20:32,547 --> 00:20:33,781
Schmidt, wake up.
526
00:20:33,848 --> 00:20:35,783
Hey, hey.
527
00:20:35,850 --> 00:20:37,185
Hey.
528
00:20:37,252 --> 00:20:38,186
Hey!
529
00:20:40,821 --> 00:20:41,988
What...
530
00:20:42,056 --> 00:20:43,456
are you doing here?
531
00:20:43,524 --> 00:20:44,958
What do you think
I'm doing here? Come on!
532
00:20:48,262 --> 00:20:50,164
- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
- What?
533
00:20:50,731 --> 00:20:51,398
Cece,
534
00:20:51,465 --> 00:20:52,966
before we continue,
535
00:20:53,034 --> 00:20:55,502
I clearly have no control
in this relationship,
536
00:20:55,570 --> 00:20:58,771
and... I'm fine with it.
537
00:20:58,839 --> 00:21:00,707
- Good.
- But know this,
538
00:21:00,774 --> 00:21:02,609
you're the one who broke
into this apartment at 3:00 a.m.
539
00:21:02,610 --> 00:21:03,776
for a little bit
of this Schmidt, so
540
00:21:03,844 --> 00:21:05,978
who's really in control?
541
00:21:06,046 --> 00:21:07,180
Shut up!
542
00:21:13,853 --> 00:21:15,854
Wait, oh, are you
sleeping in dress pants?
543
00:21:15,922 --> 00:21:17,455
What? They're slacks.
544
00:21:17,523 --> 00:21:19,725
- What's the big deal? Calm down.
- Oh...
545
00:21:21,192 --> 00:21:23,394
Look how excited
Hector J. is to see you.
546
00:21:23,462 --> 00:21:25,096
Yeah, I've already
met Hector J., so...
547
00:21:25,163 --> 00:21:27,531
- Ooh, look, he's knighting you.
- Oh, no, please stop knighting me.
548
00:21:27,532 --> 00:21:28,233
- Don't...
- Lady Cecelia...
549
00:21:28,234 --> 00:21:29,167
No, Schmidt, I'm gonna leave.
550
00:21:29,168 --> 00:21:31,236
You have entered the
order of the round table.
551
00:21:31,303 --> 00:21:33,037
I'm getting my bag, okay,
I'm gonna get my...
552
00:21:33,105 --> 00:21:35,172
- Oh, I want to stay.
- Dame Nasty Cece.
553
00:21:35,940 --> 00:21:41,075
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