1 00:00:01,287 --> 00:00:03,688 Here? You're dropping me off here? 2 00:00:04,256 --> 00:00:06,824 R-Right in front of this obvious pickpocket? 3 00:00:06,892 --> 00:00:08,559 Look at the size of that guy. 4 00:00:08,627 --> 00:00:10,228 He's clearly new homeless. 5 00:00:10,295 --> 00:00:12,363 We're a mile away from the loft, Cece. 6 00:00:12,430 --> 00:00:13,230 I'm not getting caught with you. 7 00:00:13,398 --> 00:00:15,266 I'm gonna have to run all the way home. 8 00:00:15,333 --> 00:00:16,616 And I have my slippiest loafers on. 9 00:00:16,618 --> 00:00:18,501 If I were you, I would get walking right now. 10 00:00:18,503 --> 00:00:20,237 You're never gonna get home before dawn. 11 00:00:20,304 --> 00:00:23,206 Okay, look, I'm fine with you not telling anybody about us, 12 00:00:23,274 --> 00:00:26,443 but you cannot just call me at anytime 13 00:00:26,444 --> 00:00:28,578 and just summon me for intercourse. 14 00:00:28,646 --> 00:00:29,879 I have no control here, 15 00:00:29,946 --> 00:00:33,115 and I'm stressed out all day long. 16 00:00:33,183 --> 00:00:35,050 It's like you're ripping the side block 17 00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:36,886 out of my mental Jenga. 18 00:00:36,953 --> 00:00:38,587 I'm totally falling apart. 19 00:00:38,655 --> 00:00:40,322 Okay, Schmidt, you... 20 00:00:40,390 --> 00:00:43,225 you really need to learn to take a breath 21 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:45,059 and calm down, all right? 22 00:00:45,127 --> 00:00:47,528 We're just being a little spontaneous. 23 00:00:47,596 --> 00:00:50,265 Words that have never been used to describe Schmidt: 24 00:00:50,332 --> 00:00:53,134 "spontaneous, flexible, easy-going." 25 00:00:53,202 --> 00:00:55,003 - I'm like a Marine. - You're nothing like a Marine. 26 00:00:55,070 --> 00:00:57,071 I'm totally like a Marine, all right? You know what? Fine... 27 00:00:57,139 --> 00:00:58,940 I'm... I'm out of here. 28 00:00:59,708 --> 00:01:00,908 Take these, 29 00:01:00,975 --> 00:01:03,110 and take care of them-- I can get a tetanus shot, 30 00:01:03,111 --> 00:01:05,545 but I can't cure damaged suede. 31 00:01:09,417 --> 00:01:10,100 Can you believe 32 00:01:10,101 --> 00:01:11,201 I found this on the street? 33 00:01:11,202 --> 00:01:12,386 Who would want to throw this away? 34 00:01:12,454 --> 00:01:14,654 A blind man who suddenly recovered his sight? 35 00:01:14,972 --> 00:01:17,156 Get rid of it, Jess-- pine has no place in this loft. 36 00:01:17,724 --> 00:01:19,391 It's the wood of poor people and outhouses. 37 00:01:19,709 --> 00:01:21,393 I pay rent, so I think 38 00:01:21,561 --> 00:01:23,642 that gives me the right to add a few things. 39 00:01:23,643 --> 00:01:24,197 Jess... 40 00:01:25,564 --> 00:01:26,532 you're wrong. 41 00:01:26,899 --> 00:01:27,967 Okay? 42 00:01:27,968 --> 00:01:29,102 My answer's no. 43 00:01:29,169 --> 00:01:30,870 Well, my answer is yes. 44 00:01:30,938 --> 00:01:33,205 - I'm keeping the hutch. - I had a bad night. 45 00:01:33,272 --> 00:01:36,007 I'm really, I'm just asking you, please d-don't push me. 46 00:01:36,075 --> 00:01:38,543 'Cause then I'll have to reinstate my ban on high-waisted shorts. 47 00:01:38,610 --> 00:01:40,011 - You would not dare. - Try me. 48 00:01:40,079 --> 00:01:42,380 That was the worst four weeks of my life. 49 00:01:42,448 --> 00:01:45,250 ♪ Hey, girl ♪ 50 00:01:45,318 --> 00:01:48,519 ♪ What you doing? ♪ 51 00:01:48,587 --> 00:01:50,554 ♪ Hey, girl ♪ 52 00:01:50,621 --> 00:01:53,590 ♪ Where you going? ♪ 53 00:01:53,658 --> 00:01:55,993 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 54 00:01:56,061 --> 00:01:57,694 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 55 00:01:57,762 --> 00:02:00,098 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 56 00:02:00,099 --> 00:02:04,098 Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com 57 00:02:05,769 --> 00:02:06,636 Hey, Winston, 58 00:02:06,704 --> 00:02:08,037 why are you still drinking? 59 00:02:08,105 --> 00:02:10,173 It is 10:00 in the morning, man. 60 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,308 Yeah, I know what it'll feel like when I stop, 61 00:02:12,376 --> 00:02:15,645 so I'm just gonna stay a little drunk, forever. 62 00:02:15,713 --> 00:02:18,882 Well, why is there no girl version of you, my man? 63 00:02:19,851 --> 00:02:20,817 Moving on. 64 00:02:20,885 --> 00:02:22,618 So, last night's poker game. 65 00:02:23,186 --> 00:02:23,953 Got pretty intense. 66 00:02:24,021 --> 00:02:25,455 I don't even know what you're talking about-- 67 00:02:25,522 --> 00:02:26,622 I was so hammered last night. 68 00:02:26,690 --> 00:02:28,592 I've never been more sober in my whole life. 69 00:02:28,659 --> 00:02:30,659 I'll remember this as long as I live. 70 00:02:30,727 --> 00:02:32,795 I'm all in. Uno, bitches. 71 00:02:33,863 --> 00:02:35,331 Read 'em and weep. 72 00:02:36,149 --> 00:02:37,199 - Straight flush. - Aw! 73 00:02:37,766 --> 00:02:38,666 So, what do I owe you, 20 bucks? 74 00:02:38,734 --> 00:02:39,801 - 20 bucks? - Yeah. 75 00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,537 You owe me $487. 76 00:02:43,105 --> 00:02:44,772 Come on, Winston! 77 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:47,308 Aah! Schmidt makes me so mad! 78 00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:48,843 I want to put one thing, 79 00:02:48,911 --> 00:02:50,411 one thing in the living room, 80 00:02:50,479 --> 00:02:51,646 and he won't let me. 81 00:02:51,714 --> 00:02:52,870 I'm not putting up with this. 82 00:02:52,898 --> 00:02:53,864 Oh, yes, you are. 83 00:02:53,931 --> 00:02:55,499 We live in a fragile ecosystem. 84 00:02:55,567 --> 00:02:56,967 It's a delicate balance. 85 00:02:57,035 --> 00:02:58,469 It's a broken ecosystem, 86 00:02:58,537 --> 00:03:00,904 - dominated by an apex predator. - Chill out, Jess. 87 00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:02,839 We let him run the house, no big deal. 88 00:03:02,907 --> 00:03:05,409 The boy cooks and cleans-- and happily, I might add. 89 00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:06,910 Yeah, he probably couldn't sleep last night 90 00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:09,012 'cause he was so excited to clean up after us. 91 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:10,813 I know he's been bad lately, but... 92 00:03:10,881 --> 00:03:12,382 Schmidt's an odd bird. 93 00:03:12,449 --> 00:03:13,749 He can't handle it when things 94 00:03:13,817 --> 00:03:15,418 aren't clean and orderly. 95 00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:17,487 It's been that way since the day he moved in. 96 00:03:18,055 --> 00:03:20,490 Welcome to your new home, Schmidt. 97 00:03:20,558 --> 00:03:22,225 Come on, play ball. 98 00:03:26,646 --> 00:03:27,629 Coming home! 99 00:03:33,469 --> 00:03:35,804 Well, I'm fed up with it. 100 00:03:35,871 --> 00:03:38,173 And he's got to learn how to relax. 101 00:03:38,241 --> 00:03:39,808 And, Nick, why do you have... 102 00:03:39,875 --> 00:03:41,375 cannons drawn all over your back? 103 00:03:41,443 --> 00:03:42,410 Those aren't cannons, Jess. 104 00:03:42,477 --> 00:03:43,578 Long-stem mushrooms? 105 00:03:43,645 --> 00:03:45,112 - Nope. - Oh, so that's... 106 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:46,780 not a mossy cave. 107 00:03:46,848 --> 00:03:47,682 Mm-mm. 108 00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:49,149 - Mmm, no. - Probably not. 109 00:03:58,125 --> 00:03:59,226 What the...? 110 00:03:59,293 --> 00:04:01,328 What is happening...? 111 00:04:01,895 --> 00:04:02,862 I can't take this right now. 112 00:04:03,430 --> 00:04:05,131 What, do we live in a pawnshop? 113 00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:07,066 Hey, Schmidt. 114 00:04:07,134 --> 00:04:08,668 Hey, Jess. What, uh... 115 00:04:09,436 --> 00:04:10,636 Where did all this come from? 116 00:04:10,804 --> 00:04:12,371 I found the afghan underneath a Dumpster 117 00:04:12,372 --> 00:04:13,905 outside an animal shelter. 118 00:04:13,973 --> 00:04:16,408 And I found the lamp underneath the afghan. 119 00:04:16,776 --> 00:04:18,310 I'm gonna assume that these are your spices 120 00:04:18,378 --> 00:04:20,078 - jammed in here with my spices. - Yep. 121 00:04:20,146 --> 00:04:22,281 I would really appreciate it if your non-Tahitian vanilla 122 00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,015 was not touching my Tahitian vanilla. 123 00:04:24,083 --> 00:04:26,184 Oh, Schmidt, they're more than touching. 124 00:04:26,253 --> 00:04:28,320 What's it like living in the most populous isle 125 00:04:28,388 --> 00:04:30,020 in French Polynesia? 126 00:04:30,088 --> 00:04:32,724 I could tell you, or... I could show you. 127 00:04:32,791 --> 00:04:34,559 Not in front of the cloves. 128 00:04:34,627 --> 00:04:35,893 Where's my burr coffee grinder? 129 00:04:35,961 --> 00:04:37,729 Oh, you know, I think it's in the hutch. 130 00:04:37,796 --> 00:04:39,497 You put it in the hutch? 131 00:04:39,565 --> 00:04:42,032 The... aah, this thing was on the street. 132 00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,834 It's a coffee grinder, Schmidt. 133 00:04:43,902 --> 00:04:45,535 I think it'll be okay. 134 00:04:45,603 --> 00:04:48,304 A top-of-the-line conical burr coffee grinder. 135 00:04:48,372 --> 00:04:49,873 You know what that means? It means it doesn't 136 00:04:49,940 --> 00:04:52,509 smash up the beans like some pedestrian blade grinder. 137 00:04:52,577 --> 00:04:54,678 It actually grinds them, 138 00:04:54,746 --> 00:04:57,514 for a deeper, richer, more satisfying flavor profile! 139 00:04:57,582 --> 00:05:00,316 Oh. Well, I've used it repeatedly 140 00:05:00,317 --> 00:05:01,751 to make homemade crayons. 141 00:05:02,118 --> 00:05:04,586 Does that show up in your flavor profile, Schmidt? 142 00:05:04,754 --> 00:05:06,622 Uh, yeah, that's fine. 143 00:05:07,890 --> 00:05:09,257 If you're looking for your oven mitts, 144 00:05:09,325 --> 00:05:10,359 they're in the top drawer of the hutch. 145 00:05:10,427 --> 00:05:12,261 Oh. Okay, fair enough. 146 00:05:13,329 --> 00:05:14,029 Hutch is gone. 147 00:05:14,097 --> 00:05:14,997 - No. - No, no, no. 148 00:05:15,064 --> 00:05:16,599 - - No. - No hutch. - No, no! 149 00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:18,733 - Stop! Don't move the hutch. - Bye-bye, hutch! 150 00:05:18,801 --> 00:05:20,001 This thing makes me emotionally nauseous! 151 00:05:20,068 --> 00:05:21,903 This is my hutch. Don't move it! 152 00:05:21,970 --> 00:05:22,904 All right, you're right, you're right... 153 00:05:22,971 --> 00:05:24,439 I'm so sorry. You're right. 154 00:05:24,507 --> 00:05:25,740 It's a beautiful piece. 155 00:05:26,108 --> 00:05:28,310 It looks great there. 156 00:05:29,077 --> 00:05:30,077 My apologies. 157 00:05:30,645 --> 00:05:31,613 Thank you. 158 00:05:39,353 --> 00:05:40,354 Oops. 159 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:50,963 Schmidt, you have a real problem. 160 00:05:52,181 --> 00:05:54,300 You've got to learn to calm down. 161 00:05:55,018 --> 00:05:56,202 Yeah, yeah. 162 00:06:01,699 --> 00:06:03,232 I love the beach. 163 00:06:03,301 --> 00:06:05,568 Now, isn't this better than arguing about a hutch? 164 00:06:05,636 --> 00:06:08,971 Yeah, if you like hanging out on the rim of a giant fish toilet. 165 00:06:09,039 --> 00:06:11,240 Jess, I can't believe you brought me down here. 166 00:06:11,309 --> 00:06:14,143 This is a great place to talk about your problems. 167 00:06:14,211 --> 00:06:16,202 Jess, this sucks-- I just want to go home. 168 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:17,780 Schmidt, come here. 169 00:06:18,348 --> 00:06:21,250 Look. You got the birds in the sky. 170 00:06:23,786 --> 00:06:24,954 Sea and sand. 171 00:06:25,722 --> 00:06:27,456 The wind in our hair. 172 00:06:29,558 --> 00:06:30,992 You've lost your kite! 173 00:06:31,060 --> 00:06:33,394 Have fun flying your string all day! 174 00:06:33,462 --> 00:06:35,129 Sorry I forgot my wallet. 175 00:06:35,197 --> 00:06:37,198 Thank you for paying; It's delicious. 176 00:06:37,265 --> 00:06:38,834 Yeah, which is weird, because I clearly remember saying, 177 00:06:38,835 --> 00:06:40,635 "Hey, man, don't forget your wallet." 178 00:06:40,703 --> 00:06:42,570 - And then I still forgot it. - You still forget it. Wow, it's weird. 179 00:06:42,571 --> 00:06:44,439 - Yeah, you said that. We're getting older. - Yeah, I said that. 180 00:06:44,506 --> 00:06:46,140 Okay, this is a good segue. 181 00:06:46,208 --> 00:06:47,207 Um... 182 00:06:47,958 --> 00:06:49,175 can I talk to you 183 00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:50,510 about something that's kind of tough? 184 00:06:52,208 --> 00:06:53,314 Yeah, man, shoot. 185 00:06:53,315 --> 00:06:56,983 "The subject of this talk is the debt of money between us. 186 00:06:57,051 --> 00:06:58,585 - I feel that..." - Oh, man! 187 00:06:58,653 --> 00:07:00,687 I thought this was about something serious. 188 00:07:00,755 --> 00:07:02,288 You set that up like it was about something different. 189 00:07:02,357 --> 00:07:03,957 This is about the poker? 190 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:06,459 Oh, I'll pay you your money. Relax. 191 00:07:10,246 --> 00:07:12,197 "If I am reading this section, then I can only assume 192 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,466 "you have told me to relax. 193 00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:15,901 - You wrote that? - "Let me assure you I am very relaxed, 194 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:18,504 "although I have good reason not to be, 195 00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:19,872 "as you owe me a very large sum." 196 00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:22,204 I will pay you the money, you clown. 197 00:07:22,205 --> 00:07:23,942 "I am aware that we're both broke, 198 00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:26,979 "one of us embarrassingly so. Points to Nick. 199 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:29,414 "I have recently tumbled down the socioeconomic ladder 200 00:07:29,482 --> 00:07:30,349 "and have hit rock bottom, 201 00:07:30,416 --> 00:07:32,517 - "where you, Nick Miller, - Thank you. 202 00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:34,886 "Have been waiting patiently for the past 15 years. 203 00:07:34,953 --> 00:07:36,203 "But I want that money. 204 00:07:36,204 --> 00:07:38,522 "Give me my money. I really mean it. 205 00:07:38,590 --> 00:07:41,091 "It's my money. You owe me that money, 206 00:07:41,158 --> 00:07:43,260 "so give me my money. Seriously. 207 00:07:43,327 --> 00:07:44,561 - Are you finished? - "Where is the money, dude? 208 00:07:44,629 --> 00:07:47,297 - You wrote "dude"? - "But I am not without pity. 209 00:07:47,365 --> 00:07:49,867 I am willing to just call it an even $200." 210 00:07:51,403 --> 00:07:53,536 Everything let go with just $200? 211 00:07:53,604 --> 00:07:56,506 - Right. - All right, I can do $200. 212 00:07:57,073 --> 00:07:59,141 - $200? Two hundo clean? - Yep. 213 00:07:59,709 --> 00:08:00,709 All right. 214 00:08:06,349 --> 00:08:08,483 I did pay for gas here, though. 215 00:08:08,551 --> 00:08:10,184 So that's, let's say, ten bucks. 216 00:08:10,752 --> 00:08:11,653 So we're at $190. 217 00:08:11,721 --> 00:08:13,988 We'll say clean $190. 218 00:08:14,456 --> 00:08:16,190 I hate to be this guy... 219 00:08:16,558 --> 00:08:18,259 but I got the fights on Friday, 220 00:08:18,327 --> 00:08:20,295 so that's $30. So let's call it $160 221 00:08:20,362 --> 00:08:22,363 and be done with it. 222 00:08:24,133 --> 00:08:26,968 $20 for beer that night, so $160 takes us to $140. 223 00:08:27,036 --> 00:08:28,536 Just to be fair. 224 00:08:28,604 --> 00:08:30,638 And I didn't write a stupid letter about it. 225 00:08:30,705 --> 00:08:32,172 But let's say right now $140. 226 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:34,207 You ate a lot of the nachos! 227 00:08:35,477 --> 00:08:38,246 Littering! $15 for littering! 228 00:08:39,114 --> 00:08:41,281 ♪ What a way to live... ♪ 229 00:08:41,349 --> 00:08:42,983 How fun is this! 230 00:08:44,451 --> 00:08:45,953 It's not my cup of tea. 231 00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:48,755 ♪ Don't you know that life ♪ 232 00:08:48,823 --> 00:08:51,891 ♪ Don't wait for death? ♪ 233 00:08:53,727 --> 00:08:56,095 ♪ Choo-choo ♪ 234 00:08:57,597 --> 00:08:58,364 No! 235 00:08:58,431 --> 00:08:59,898 No! No, Jess, no! 236 00:08:59,967 --> 00:09:03,001 I can't believe I never noticed this before, but, Schmidt, 237 00:09:03,069 --> 00:09:05,136 you are legitimately crazy. 238 00:09:05,204 --> 00:09:06,905 I think we're all a little bit crazy, don't you think, Jess? 239 00:09:06,974 --> 00:09:10,709 No, I mean, you're like aging- ballerina, child-chess-prodigy, 240 00:09:10,777 --> 00:09:12,477 professional-magician crazy. 241 00:09:12,544 --> 00:09:15,680 It's my mom's fault-- you know, I come from a Jewish family, 242 00:09:15,747 --> 00:09:18,683 but she used to tell me the reason Santa didn't come to our house 243 00:09:18,750 --> 00:09:20,217 was because my room was dirty. 244 00:09:20,285 --> 00:09:22,219 The only thing I ever controlled was what I ate. 245 00:09:22,287 --> 00:09:24,755 - That's why I got fat. - Yeah, I got fat 'cause I used to eat 246 00:09:24,823 --> 00:09:27,625 Concord grape jelly from the jar using a candy bar as a fork. 247 00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:29,793 It's because you didn't have any structure. 248 00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:31,828 You know what I mean? That's what happens 249 00:09:31,896 --> 00:09:32,863 when you don't have any rules. 250 00:09:32,930 --> 00:09:36,099 None of these people have rules. Especially that guy. 251 00:09:36,166 --> 00:09:37,901 He's wearing ladies' bikini bottoms. 252 00:09:37,969 --> 00:09:40,236 Jess, I'm not like these people, okay? 253 00:09:40,304 --> 00:09:43,740 I don't have dreadlocks. I don't own a snake. 254 00:09:43,808 --> 00:09:45,641 And I don't understand how these people think that they're relaxed, 255 00:09:45,709 --> 00:09:47,976 because they're not-- they just have nothing to do. 256 00:09:47,994 --> 00:09:50,380 That's not me. It's not that easy for me. 257 00:09:50,447 --> 00:09:53,015 Sounds to me like a lot of excuses, Schmidt. 258 00:09:53,082 --> 00:09:54,984 Just be spontaneous. 259 00:10:27,881 --> 00:10:29,049 Hey, Nick. 260 00:10:29,417 --> 00:10:31,184 Look, man, I'm sorry to bother you while you're clearly 261 00:10:31,185 --> 00:10:33,019 sitting here working hard making lots of money. 262 00:10:33,087 --> 00:10:34,356 - All right. - But if you'd kindly 263 00:10:34,357 --> 00:10:35,588 just pause that for one second, 264 00:10:35,656 --> 00:10:37,823 I have a few accounts that I'd like to settle. 265 00:10:38,391 --> 00:10:39,659 Account number one: 266 00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:42,628 A $15 receipt for a Chinatown box turtle. 267 00:10:42,696 --> 00:10:44,964 - Bam. Here we go. - We're doing this, huh? 268 00:10:45,032 --> 00:10:47,366 - - Yeah, we are doing this. - Great - Item number two: 269 00:10:47,434 --> 00:10:51,269 Cancelled $35 check for registration of a domain name-- 270 00:10:51,336 --> 00:10:52,871 "It's Nick Miller Time.com." 271 00:10:52,939 --> 00:10:55,200 "Hey, guys, Winston, I got a good idea, man. 272 00:10:55,201 --> 00:10:56,241 I'm gonna be a big-time blogger." 273 00:10:56,309 --> 00:10:57,909 - I have to go to work... - Uh-huh. 274 00:10:57,977 --> 00:11:00,779 ...At a bar, where you drink for free. 275 00:11:00,846 --> 00:11:02,083 - Wow. - How much does four 276 00:11:02,084 --> 00:11:04,415 hundred cognac and colas add up to, Winston? 277 00:11:04,583 --> 00:11:05,316 - You want to go there? - Yeah. 278 00:11:05,317 --> 00:11:06,718 Okay. How about all the times I sat around 279 00:11:06,719 --> 00:11:08,252 listening to you bitch and moan 280 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,721 about how Caroline broke your precious little heart? 281 00:11:10,789 --> 00:11:13,323 - Okay, in eighth grade... - Eighth grade. 282 00:11:13,391 --> 00:11:15,926 - ...You "accidentally" saw my mom naked. - Mm-hmm. 283 00:11:15,994 --> 00:11:19,062 Before she stopped exercising and let herself get chubby. 284 00:11:19,430 --> 00:11:20,330 Okay? 285 00:11:20,331 --> 00:11:21,698 So how much is that, in terms of money? 286 00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:23,233 'Cause I haven't gotten over that. 287 00:11:23,301 --> 00:11:26,102 - And I would say four to $5,000. - Hey, guys. Hey, guys. 288 00:11:26,169 --> 00:11:28,505 Schmidt, Winston saw my mother naked in eighth grade; in terms of mon-- 289 00:11:28,506 --> 00:11:31,407 I waded into the ocean without my aqua socks. 290 00:11:31,475 --> 00:11:32,541 Mm, he did. 291 00:11:32,610 --> 00:11:33,676 He let go. 292 00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:40,515 He washed his hands in a public restroom. 293 00:11:40,583 --> 00:11:42,083 And there was a man in there. 294 00:11:42,151 --> 00:11:44,720 And he was using the toilet, full sit, no door. 295 00:11:44,788 --> 00:11:46,087 And I didn't break eye contact. 296 00:11:46,255 --> 00:11:46,888 Not once. 297 00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:49,424 That's not letting go, that's cruising. 298 00:11:50,727 --> 00:11:51,928 Hey, Schmidt. 299 00:11:52,996 --> 00:11:54,695 - There's a spill. - I know. 300 00:11:54,763 --> 00:11:56,397 Do your exercise. You know. 301 00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:58,799 Yeah, okay, the exercise. 302 00:12:00,702 --> 00:12:05,406 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. 303 00:12:07,109 --> 00:12:08,409 I feel great. 304 00:12:08,477 --> 00:12:10,204 I'm gonna go take a shower with Nick's bar soap, 305 00:12:10,205 --> 00:12:11,679 like a common ranch hand. 306 00:12:12,747 --> 00:12:15,070 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 307 00:12:15,071 --> 00:12:15,982 What is going on? 308 00:12:16,250 --> 00:12:17,551 You messed with the ecosystem. 309 00:12:17,719 --> 00:12:19,286 And you guys said it couldn't be done. 310 00:12:19,354 --> 00:12:21,255 You have no idea what you're getting into. 311 00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:22,823 You're welcome. 312 00:12:28,316 --> 00:12:29,984 Schmidt, you're killing with me with that drumming! 313 00:12:30,052 --> 00:12:31,686 You're killing me! 314 00:12:31,687 --> 00:12:34,521 Look at this mess. How did this happen? 315 00:12:34,590 --> 00:12:35,990 So, this is your fault. 316 00:12:36,058 --> 00:12:37,825 No. No. 317 00:12:37,893 --> 00:12:39,259 This is good for Schmidt. 318 00:12:39,327 --> 00:12:41,028 'Cause you guys have been taking advantage of him 319 00:12:41,096 --> 00:12:42,496 for years. 320 00:12:42,564 --> 00:12:44,230 You make him cook, you make him clean... 321 00:12:44,298 --> 00:12:45,865 Where's my money, dude? 322 00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:48,434 Frankly, it's... sexist. 323 00:12:48,502 --> 00:12:50,203 Oh, my God. Ew! 324 00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,471 How's it sexist? 325 00:12:52,288 --> 00:12:53,239 Who's cleaning up? 326 00:12:53,307 --> 00:12:55,475 - I cleaned this morning. - All right, fine. 327 00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,543 - I'll clean, you guys go to the store. - Act like an adult. 328 00:12:57,612 --> 00:12:58,877 I'm not going to the store with him. 329 00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:01,780 - Where's my money, dude...? - Stop throwing things at each other. 330 00:13:01,848 --> 00:13:04,182 - Oh, come on. - Where is the money? 331 00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:05,383 You're a child. 332 00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:06,852 ...My car, too, while you... 333 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:07,987 Silence, friends! 334 00:13:08,054 --> 00:13:09,588 I made you necklaces. 335 00:13:10,056 --> 00:13:11,590 Hey, do you want to go to the store? 336 00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,692 Please, God, yes. 337 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,761 $100? How did Schmidt buy all these groceries with 100 bucks? 338 00:13:16,829 --> 00:13:18,529 - It's only $100? - $100. 339 00:13:18,597 --> 00:13:20,204 You should've told... we have way too much stuff, man. 340 00:13:20,205 --> 00:13:22,366 - Yeah, like shrimp cocktail. - We don't need a baked ham. 341 00:13:22,434 --> 00:13:23,768 - All right. - Winston? 342 00:13:24,586 --> 00:13:25,569 - Sorry about that. - Really? Really? 343 00:13:26,338 --> 00:13:27,371 Two cake mixes? 344 00:13:27,439 --> 00:13:29,507 - Really? All these soups? - Pizza? Frozen pizza? 345 00:13:29,574 --> 00:13:31,074 You fat ass. What are you trying to do, die? Shut up, dude. 346 00:13:31,142 --> 00:13:33,043 We have enough ketchup. We have enough ketchup! Come on, really? 347 00:13:33,111 --> 00:13:34,511 Next, please. 348 00:13:34,578 --> 00:13:35,712 Oh, hey, how you doing, sir? 349 00:13:35,780 --> 00:13:37,447 We only have $100, Gary, 350 00:13:37,515 --> 00:13:39,549 so could you stop checking us out when we hit $100? 351 00:13:39,617 --> 00:13:41,084 Yeah, you got to include tax, too, 352 00:13:41,152 --> 00:13:43,186 - so, like, $93, just... Cool? - Yeah, just that'll do. 353 00:13:43,254 --> 00:13:44,287 Okay, guys. 354 00:13:44,355 --> 00:13:44,728 Thanks. 355 00:13:44,729 --> 00:13:46,222 I'm gonna put my stuff at the front, 356 00:13:46,290 --> 00:13:47,770 'cause you obviously don't know how to shop. 357 00:13:47,771 --> 00:13:48,724 You're being ridiculous. 358 00:13:48,792 --> 00:13:50,626 - Are you getting me? - We have enough ketchup. 359 00:13:51,694 --> 00:13:52,594 Epsom salt? 360 00:13:52,663 --> 00:13:53,312 - Yeah, okay. - What, 361 00:13:53,313 --> 00:13:54,329 are you too good for regular salt? 362 00:13:54,397 --> 00:13:56,165 You know damn well I got to soak my trick foot. 363 00:13:56,232 --> 00:13:58,134 Oh, Winnie, your little trick foot. 364 00:13:58,201 --> 00:14:00,169 Yeah, my trick foot, and don't ever call me Winnie. 365 00:14:00,236 --> 00:14:01,603 - Aw, Winnie... - Fine. 366 00:14:02,172 --> 00:14:03,138 You don't owe me anything. 367 00:14:03,205 --> 00:14:04,739 The slate is clean. We're good, we're even. 368 00:14:04,807 --> 00:14:06,107 Oh, good, that's how I feel, too. 369 00:14:06,175 --> 00:14:08,843 Because in my mind, your mom will always be the winner 370 00:14:08,911 --> 00:14:11,012 - of Best Boobs. - Really, Best Boobs? 371 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:12,747 - Yeah. Master's Division. - You're gonna talk about my mother? 372 00:14:12,815 --> 00:14:14,082 You're gonna talk about my mom's boobs? 373 00:14:14,150 --> 00:14:15,249 Is that... you gonna go there? 374 00:14:15,317 --> 00:14:16,551 Don't push me in a supermarket, man. 375 00:14:17,118 --> 00:14:18,386 You started this. 376 00:14:20,453 --> 00:14:21,989 - Did you just slap me in the face? - No, I did not. 377 00:14:22,057 --> 00:14:23,791 I don't know what you're talking about. 378 00:14:28,029 --> 00:14:29,697 I'm not afraid of you, man. 379 00:14:31,332 --> 00:14:33,033 Don't act your... 380 00:14:38,271 --> 00:14:39,338 Grow up, dude! 381 00:14:41,641 --> 00:14:43,542 Hey, Schmidt. 382 00:14:43,610 --> 00:14:45,311 Oh, hello, Jess. 383 00:14:45,378 --> 00:14:46,746 - Hey. - What are you doing out here? 384 00:14:46,814 --> 00:14:50,249 Oh, just checking up on you. 385 00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:52,117 Oh, I see you're eating street meat 386 00:14:52,185 --> 00:14:53,651 wrapped in street meat. 387 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,688 This is my man, Gordon. 388 00:14:55,755 --> 00:14:58,256 You've outdone yourself once again, Gordon. 389 00:14:58,324 --> 00:14:59,691 Excellent. 390 00:14:59,759 --> 00:15:01,259 - Did you go to work today? - No, no. No work. 391 00:15:01,627 --> 00:15:02,861 I haven't been there in a while. 392 00:15:02,929 --> 00:15:04,963 - How long is a while? - I don't know. Three days? 393 00:15:05,031 --> 00:15:08,766 Schmidt, I made a mistake in bringing you down here. 394 00:15:09,334 --> 00:15:11,335 I shouldn't have done that. 395 00:15:11,402 --> 00:15:12,703 Please come home. 396 00:15:12,971 --> 00:15:14,138 Why? 397 00:15:14,506 --> 00:15:16,040 So I can cook and clean? 398 00:15:16,108 --> 00:15:18,542 So I can show you where the vacuum is? 399 00:15:19,110 --> 00:15:20,811 All right. 400 00:15:20,879 --> 00:15:23,379 Okay, fine, I don't know where the vacuum is. 401 00:15:23,747 --> 00:15:25,415 That is one reason why I came here, 402 00:15:25,932 --> 00:15:27,783 but I really want you to come home. 403 00:15:27,851 --> 00:15:30,553 Everything's falling apart without you. 404 00:15:30,621 --> 00:15:33,623 Nick and Winston are fighting all the time. 405 00:15:33,690 --> 00:15:36,459 And all of us lost our keys to the mailbox. 406 00:15:36,526 --> 00:15:39,201 Schmidt, just listen to me, because you 407 00:15:39,229 --> 00:15:41,563 don't belong here, like, really. 408 00:15:41,631 --> 00:15:42,631 Do you remember when you 409 00:15:42,698 --> 00:15:45,133 got yourself off to An Inconvenient Truth? 410 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,934 How about when you dress up 411 00:15:47,002 --> 00:15:50,305 like Shia Labeouf from Wall Street Two for Halloween? 412 00:15:50,673 --> 00:15:51,974 Do you remember when you said 413 00:15:52,041 --> 00:15:55,243 jazz music was America's greatest mistake? 414 00:15:55,310 --> 00:15:57,678 Say it in drums, Jessica Day. 415 00:15:57,746 --> 00:15:59,481 Me hablo drums. 416 00:16:02,750 --> 00:16:03,384 Hey, man. 417 00:16:03,385 --> 00:16:05,052 I got the last frozen thing. 418 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:08,322 I was gonna ice my wrist, but... 419 00:16:08,890 --> 00:16:10,357 How about this? 420 00:16:10,725 --> 00:16:11,892 Take half, pal. 421 00:16:12,259 --> 00:16:13,493 So kind of you. 422 00:16:15,029 --> 00:16:17,097 That hurts, man. 423 00:16:18,899 --> 00:16:20,300 I am so hungry. 424 00:16:20,367 --> 00:16:21,935 Remember those things that Schmidt used to make us 425 00:16:22,003 --> 00:16:24,905 with the peanut butter and the raisins on the celery? 426 00:16:25,472 --> 00:16:26,406 What were those called? 427 00:16:26,473 --> 00:16:27,306 Ants on a log. 428 00:16:27,373 --> 00:16:28,974 Ants on a log. 429 00:16:29,042 --> 00:16:31,177 I just got why they're called ants on a log. 430 00:16:31,994 --> 00:16:33,345 Looks like ants on a log. 431 00:16:33,913 --> 00:16:35,147 I'm hungry, man. 432 00:16:35,215 --> 00:16:37,049 Hey, Schmidt, is that you, buddy? 433 00:16:37,417 --> 00:16:39,218 No, it's me. 434 00:16:39,286 --> 00:16:40,585 What the hell happened to you? 435 00:16:40,653 --> 00:16:41,854 I went down to the beach, 436 00:16:41,922 --> 00:16:43,822 and I tried to talk to Schmidt, 437 00:16:43,889 --> 00:16:45,690 but he just ignored me, 438 00:16:45,757 --> 00:16:47,959 and he went back to twirling his fire baton. 439 00:16:48,327 --> 00:16:50,394 He's really bad; He burned a lot of people. 440 00:16:50,462 --> 00:16:52,797 I feel like they should let you twirl it around a few times 441 00:16:52,865 --> 00:16:54,565 before they actually light it on fire. 442 00:16:54,633 --> 00:16:56,067 Well, look, Jess, being friends with Schmidt 443 00:16:56,135 --> 00:16:58,102 is really complicated. 444 00:16:58,170 --> 00:16:59,303 'Cause you want to change him 445 00:16:59,370 --> 00:17:01,071 so badly, 446 00:17:01,139 --> 00:17:04,007 but you can't 'cause he'll just get worse. 447 00:17:04,075 --> 00:17:07,677 You guys were right, I upset the ecosystem. 448 00:17:08,245 --> 00:17:10,047 This is not what I wanted. 449 00:17:10,614 --> 00:17:13,483 I just wanted to put my hutch here. 450 00:17:13,551 --> 00:17:16,052 Make the place my own, be a part of the family. 451 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:17,553 What family? With these clowns? 452 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,823 Yeah, you clowns. 453 00:17:19,890 --> 00:17:21,490 Well, look, you want in, you're in. 454 00:17:21,559 --> 00:17:24,327 Congratulations, welcome to the family, Jess. 455 00:17:24,394 --> 00:17:25,294 Aww. 456 00:17:25,363 --> 00:17:27,730 Yeah, we don't "aww" in this family. 457 00:17:36,671 --> 00:17:37,304 Hey, guys. 458 00:17:37,373 --> 00:17:38,173 Hey, Schmidt. 459 00:17:38,174 --> 00:17:40,208 Um, we need to talk. 460 00:17:42,844 --> 00:17:44,379 Something not cool? 461 00:17:48,562 --> 00:17:49,996 Schmidt, we miss you. 462 00:17:50,563 --> 00:17:51,663 You just want me to clean. 463 00:17:51,731 --> 00:17:53,232 No, that's not true. 464 00:17:53,299 --> 00:17:54,499 - Well, it's a little bit true. - There's truth to that. 465 00:17:54,566 --> 00:17:55,966 Okay, look. I want you to clean. 466 00:17:56,035 --> 00:17:57,968 Look, we're so proud of you 467 00:17:58,037 --> 00:17:59,670 for letting go, and relaxing. 468 00:18:00,238 --> 00:18:02,072 But this isn't like you. 469 00:18:02,140 --> 00:18:04,641 You can run away from your problems, but 470 00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:06,776 you're just gonna find new ones that pop up 471 00:18:06,844 --> 00:18:08,178 like hepatitis. 472 00:18:08,246 --> 00:18:09,979 And Nick and Winston 473 00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:12,916 want to say to you that they really miss you. 474 00:18:12,983 --> 00:18:14,051 You're freaking me out, man. 475 00:18:14,118 --> 00:18:15,852 Why are you wearing that crystal around your neck? 476 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,886 Nick, the crystal symbolizes energy. 477 00:18:17,954 --> 00:18:20,089 All a crystal is is rock poo, Schmidt. 478 00:18:20,157 --> 00:18:21,857 Look, I need you, Schmidt. 479 00:18:22,425 --> 00:18:25,761 Okay, I need you to tell me what pants not to wear 480 00:18:25,828 --> 00:18:27,896 and to exercise more often. 481 00:18:27,964 --> 00:18:29,398 I need you to make fun of me when I call 482 00:18:29,466 --> 00:18:31,767 a panini a hot sandwich; How am I ever gonna learn? 483 00:18:31,834 --> 00:18:32,801 I even miss 484 00:18:32,869 --> 00:18:33,968 your hair chutney. 485 00:18:34,036 --> 00:18:36,204 Without you, man, we're just 486 00:18:36,272 --> 00:18:38,039 three idiots who live together. 487 00:18:40,241 --> 00:18:41,609 You make us a family. 488 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:47,014 Well, I'm the cool rebel brother. 489 00:18:47,083 --> 00:18:48,098 - You're the mom. - The mother. 490 00:18:48,099 --> 00:18:48,483 Mom. 491 00:18:48,551 --> 00:18:49,950 Look, Schmidt, if you come back 492 00:18:50,017 --> 00:18:53,487 to us, I'll let you clean my room. 493 00:18:54,855 --> 00:18:56,490 The white whale? 494 00:18:56,558 --> 00:18:59,426 Think about how many dust bunnies are under my bed. 495 00:18:59,794 --> 00:19:00,860 How many stray socks. 496 00:19:01,128 --> 00:19:02,096 Hey, Schmidt, 497 00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:03,863 I got you something. 498 00:19:03,931 --> 00:19:05,664 Is that a boutique box? 499 00:19:05,732 --> 00:19:10,470 A pair of gray, shiny, twill, flat-front trousers 500 00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:13,573 designed by a man named Calvin. 501 00:19:14,140 --> 00:19:15,642 Never been tried on. 502 00:19:15,710 --> 00:19:17,843 Pockets are sewn shut. 503 00:19:17,911 --> 00:19:20,012 Don't you just want to get your thumbs in there 504 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,046 and rip? 505 00:19:22,915 --> 00:19:24,416 Okay, so, I'm just gonna leave this 506 00:19:24,484 --> 00:19:25,750 on your bongo drum, 507 00:19:26,568 --> 00:19:28,686 and you can, you know, 508 00:19:28,754 --> 00:19:31,022 give them a whirl if you feel like it. 509 00:19:35,595 --> 00:19:37,462 Just make the right decision. 510 00:19:38,530 --> 00:19:39,863 Come home. 511 00:19:40,681 --> 00:19:43,000 Take the pants. 512 00:19:51,808 --> 00:19:53,176 Oh, come here. 513 00:20:00,183 --> 00:20:01,851 Calvin. 514 00:20:01,918 --> 00:20:04,521 You magnificent wizard. 515 00:20:13,663 --> 00:20:14,996 Scmidtty. 516 00:20:16,464 --> 00:20:18,087 Nick, your hair is doing that thing 517 00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:19,301 that I just... I just hate. 518 00:20:19,869 --> 00:20:21,470 And Jess, can you please ask Winston to help you 519 00:20:21,538 --> 00:20:23,305 move the furniture out? He could use the exercise. 520 00:20:23,373 --> 00:20:25,540 You're looking a little, you know... 521 00:20:25,607 --> 00:20:27,507 - He's back. - And Nick, Winston, 522 00:20:27,776 --> 00:20:28,609 we have a urinal. 523 00:20:28,677 --> 00:20:30,344 How are you still missing? 524 00:20:30,912 --> 00:20:31,979 Schmidt? 525 00:20:32,547 --> 00:20:33,781 Schmidt, wake up. 526 00:20:33,848 --> 00:20:35,783 Hey, hey. 527 00:20:35,850 --> 00:20:37,185 Hey. 528 00:20:37,252 --> 00:20:38,186 Hey! 529 00:20:40,821 --> 00:20:41,988 What... 530 00:20:42,056 --> 00:20:43,456 are you doing here? 531 00:20:43,524 --> 00:20:44,958 What do you think I'm doing here? Come on! 532 00:20:48,262 --> 00:20:50,164 - Okay, wait, wait, wait. - What? 533 00:20:50,731 --> 00:20:51,398 Cece, 534 00:20:51,465 --> 00:20:52,966 before we continue, 535 00:20:53,034 --> 00:20:55,502 I clearly have no control in this relationship, 536 00:20:55,570 --> 00:20:58,771 and... I'm fine with it. 537 00:20:58,839 --> 00:21:00,707 - Good. - But know this, 538 00:21:00,774 --> 00:21:02,609 you're the one who broke into this apartment at 3:00 a.m. 539 00:21:02,610 --> 00:21:03,776 for a little bit of this Schmidt, so 540 00:21:03,844 --> 00:21:05,978 who's really in control? 541 00:21:06,046 --> 00:21:07,180 Shut up! 542 00:21:13,853 --> 00:21:15,854 Wait, oh, are you sleeping in dress pants? 543 00:21:15,922 --> 00:21:17,455 What? They're slacks. 544 00:21:17,523 --> 00:21:19,725 - What's the big deal? Calm down. - Oh... 545 00:21:21,192 --> 00:21:23,394 Look how excited Hector J. is to see you. 546 00:21:23,462 --> 00:21:25,096 Yeah, I've already met Hector J., so... 547 00:21:25,163 --> 00:21:27,531 - Ooh, look, he's knighting you. - Oh, no, please stop knighting me. 548 00:21:27,532 --> 00:21:28,233 - Don't... - Lady Cecelia... 549 00:21:28,234 --> 00:21:29,167 No, Schmidt, I'm gonna leave. 550 00:21:29,168 --> 00:21:31,236 You have entered the order of the round table. 551 00:21:31,303 --> 00:21:33,037 I'm getting my bag, okay, I'm gonna get my... 552 00:21:33,105 --> 00:21:35,172 - Oh, I want to stay. - Dame Nasty Cece. 553 00:21:35,940 --> 00:21:41,075 Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com