1
00:00:01,671 --> 00:00:04,039
Thank you guys for joining me
on this momentous day.
2
00:00:04,407 --> 00:00:06,541
As you guys know, it's been
kind of a rough year for me.
3
00:00:06,609 --> 00:00:08,143
I got dumped by Caroline,
4
00:00:08,211 --> 00:00:09,377
then Julia.
5
00:00:09,445 --> 00:00:10,612
I opened myself up to love,
6
00:00:10,679 --> 00:00:11,946
I was hurt badly,
7
00:00:12,014 --> 00:00:13,248
and I closed myself up again.
8
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The downstairs neighbor put
a password on their Wi-Fi...
9
00:00:16,918 --> 00:00:18,519
- Off topic. Off-putting.
- Okay. I agree.
10
00:00:18,587 --> 00:00:19,820
So I've decided...
11
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to give up on women,
12
00:00:21,956 --> 00:00:23,824
and put all that energy into...
13
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tomatoes!
14
00:00:25,827 --> 00:00:27,128
You know what?
It was on us
15
00:00:27,195 --> 00:00:28,662
for thinking this
wasn't gonna be stupid.
16
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Thank God! I thought he was
trying to sell us something.
17
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Guys, I have a whole speech!
18
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Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, you guys.
19
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I told him not
to lead with tomatoes,
20
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but he did.
21
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As his friends, don't
you want to know why
22
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he wants to plant tomatoes?
23
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Is it because
he wants tomatoes?
24
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This is my feeble attempt
at a new beginning.
25
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He's sowing the seeds
for a more fruitful tomorrow.
26
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He is turning over
a new leaf. He is...
27
00:00:47,313 --> 00:00:48,980
Jess, please don't do
plant metaphors right now.
28
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- Okay, I'll trim it back a little bit.
- Okay, but you did it again.
29
00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:52,651
- It's just ripe with plant metaphors.
- Okay, but stop.
30
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I'm looking at you guys,
and I'm realizing
31
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that there's a
possibility of happiness.
32
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He's looking for a
little dapple of sunlight.
33
00:00:57,823 --> 00:00:59,458
- Go.
- Sorry.
34
00:00:59,526 --> 00:01:02,761
Winston and Shelby, you guys
have obviously found love, so...
35
00:01:02,828 --> 00:01:04,362
No, you have no idea.
36
00:01:04,429 --> 00:01:06,096
No, I do, 'cause you talk
about it all the time.
37
00:01:06,165 --> 00:01:07,831
- I think we all have a pretty good idea.
- Pretty clear idea.
38
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Schmidt and Cece, you almost
made a baby together.
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You almost made a person.
Think about that!
40
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Jess...
41
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you're dating the man that
42
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I could see myself
growing old with.
43
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Russell, you got
a great-looking face.
44
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Your jawline could cut glass.
45
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Hold on tight, sister.
46
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Don't let that one slip away.
47
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It's getting
a little weird, Nick.
48
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So, without further ado...
49
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Water, the source of life.
50
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Whoa!
51
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It's okay, I got two of them.
52
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You know what?
53
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Go downstairs, if you want!
54
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I don't care!
55
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I got the tomatoes
and I'm bettin' on me!
56
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Freeze frame!
57
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When I'm up in the air
and the legs are there.
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♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync by Alice I www.addic7ed.com
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00:01:47,137 --> 00:01:49,438
♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪
Sync by Alice I www.addic7ed.com
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Sync by Alice I www.addic7ed.com
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Cece, the Jewish is
here to make sex.
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Uh, it's actually Schmidt.
63
00:02:01,417 --> 00:02:03,685
Um, we've met, uh, many times.
64
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Right. I hear you make
sex through Cece wall.
65
00:02:07,223 --> 00:02:09,623
You sound like dog
being stepped on.
66
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Any noises I make, they come
from a very truthful place.
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I like to create a free
environment in the sack.
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Hey.
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What's going on here?
70
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I like his face.
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I want to punch, punch, punch!
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Beautiful women...
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you guys can say just about
anything, can't you?
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So what are you doing here?
So, look, we've barely spoken
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since I almost impregnated you.
76
00:02:32,312 --> 00:02:33,879
You know, it's just,
it's this whole thing
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has just kind of
got me thinking.
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Maybe this is just too intense,
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and we should stop.
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That's what you want?
81
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It's how I feel right now,
so, yeah.
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00:02:45,358 --> 00:02:47,459
Oh... Coolio.
83
00:02:47,526 --> 00:02:49,994
So he goes out with me.
84
00:02:51,062 --> 00:02:51,896
Oh, Nadia, I think that...
85
00:02:51,964 --> 00:02:53,231
I think that's a great idea.
86
00:02:53,299 --> 00:02:55,533
I mean, that's what
you want, right?
87
00:02:55,601 --> 00:02:57,768
Yeah. It's great.
Totally cool with me.
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Yay! We have fun.
89
00:02:59,937 --> 00:03:02,005
I make him put on black shawl,
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00:03:02,073 --> 00:03:04,074
pretend he's grandma.
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00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:07,778
Fine, twist my arm.
92
00:03:07,845 --> 00:03:09,647
I'll go out with the
hot Russian model
93
00:03:09,714 --> 00:03:11,749
whose ancestors
probably burned down
94
00:03:11,816 --> 00:03:13,115
my ancestors' village.
95
00:03:13,183 --> 00:03:14,850
Something weird happened
to me today.
96
00:03:14,918 --> 00:03:18,856
I was at Russell's gym, and I
ran into his ex-wife Ouli.
97
00:03:20,424 --> 00:03:22,224
Jess, hi!
98
00:03:22,293 --> 00:03:24,494
- Ouli!
- Oh, that's a great swimsuit.
99
00:03:24,561 --> 00:03:27,263
Thank you.
100
00:03:27,331 --> 00:03:29,564
Wow, someone's been working out.
101
00:03:29,632 --> 00:03:31,166
You back's like a bag of ropes.
102
00:03:31,233 --> 00:03:33,335
Oh, mama.
103
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It was really foggy
104
00:03:35,104 --> 00:03:37,606
and I kept making eye contact
with her nipples,
105
00:03:37,674 --> 00:03:39,974
and then I panicked and I
invited her to dinner
106
00:03:40,042 --> 00:03:41,242
with Russell and me tonight.
107
00:03:41,311 --> 00:03:42,311
- What?
- You did what?!
108
00:03:42,378 --> 00:03:43,545
It's just that, like, Ouli is
109
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like this looming presence,
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and we don't talk about it,
111
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and I don't know,
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00:03:47,582 --> 00:03:49,784
I thought it would be,
like, good for us.
113
00:03:49,851 --> 00:03:51,686
- Everything okay with Russell?
- Everything's fine.
114
00:03:51,753 --> 00:03:53,454
I know it's gonna be
tense at first,
115
00:03:53,522 --> 00:03:54,922
'cause Ouli's no
Russell's favorite person,
116
00:03:54,989 --> 00:03:57,057
but I grew up with
divorced parents,
117
00:03:57,125 --> 00:04:00,060
and I'm really good at
navigating these situations.
118
00:04:00,128 --> 00:04:01,895
- What did I do?
- Nothing!
119
00:04:01,963 --> 00:04:03,630
♪ Mommy's all right ♪
120
00:04:03,698 --> 00:04:05,398
♪ Daddy's all right ♪
121
00:04:05,466 --> 00:04:08,635
♪ They just seem
a little weird ♪
122
00:04:08,703 --> 00:04:11,338
♪ Surrender, surrender... ♪
123
00:04:12,155 --> 00:04:13,573
Don't tap-dance at dinner.
124
00:04:13,641 --> 00:04:15,608
Do you really think I would
tap-dance at dinner?
125
00:04:15,676 --> 00:04:17,076
Yes. I'm hiding
your tap shoes, Jess.
126
00:04:17,144 --> 00:04:18,044
- Absolutely.
- I'm with Schmidt. Don't do it.
127
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Hi.
128
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:21,613
Hi. I'm sorry I'm late.
129
00:04:21,681 --> 00:04:23,249
- Hi!
- Hi!
130
00:04:23,317 --> 00:04:24,483
Hey, remember last time
131
00:04:24,551 --> 00:04:25,517
we were hugging?
132
00:04:26,085 --> 00:04:27,053
You were naked.
133
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:28,187
That was weird.
134
00:04:28,255 --> 00:04:29,355
No!
135
00:04:29,422 --> 00:04:30,923
No, that's not weird at all.
136
00:04:31,391 --> 00:04:32,991
I have no problem being naked.
137
00:04:34,059 --> 00:04:35,426
- Hi.
- Hi.
138
00:04:37,162 --> 00:04:39,130
How are the "quethadillath"?
139
00:04:39,698 --> 00:04:41,233
You know what?
I've actually never had them.
140
00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:42,667
Oh, the eye roll.
141
00:04:42,735 --> 00:04:44,302
Mm. Miss that.
142
00:04:44,370 --> 00:04:45,937
I didn't actually roll my eyes.
143
00:04:46,005 --> 00:04:47,572
I just needed to quickly
stare at the ceiling.
144
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,107
Hey, Ouli...
145
00:04:50,175 --> 00:04:51,175
Mm...
146
00:04:51,743 --> 00:04:53,077
I love your name.
147
00:04:53,144 --> 00:04:54,411
Thank you.
148
00:04:54,479 --> 00:04:56,981
Or should I say, "grathiath"?
149
00:05:00,285 --> 00:05:02,052
Uh...
150
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:03,420
Oh.
151
00:05:08,831 --> 00:05:10,098
- Well, this is fun.
- Yeah.
152
00:05:10,366 --> 00:05:12,167
It is.
153
00:05:12,234 --> 00:05:13,801
Should we get, like, eight more
of these, right?
154
00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:17,172
- I love this song.
- Oh, I hate this song.
155
00:05:19,341 --> 00:05:21,242
When we were on vacation
in Oaxaca,
156
00:05:21,310 --> 00:05:23,743
Ouli hummed this song for,
like, an eight-hour drive.
157
00:05:23,811 --> 00:05:24,678
Well, it wouldn't have
been eight hours
158
00:05:24,745 --> 00:05:26,380
if you hadn't gotten lost.
159
00:05:26,448 --> 00:05:28,315
At one point, we were just
following some donkeys.
160
00:05:28,383 --> 00:05:30,584
Oh, my gosh!
Look, it's food!
161
00:05:30,651 --> 00:05:32,786
- I love food.
- They were not donkeys!
162
00:05:32,853 --> 00:05:33,920
I can't even remember what
163
00:05:33,988 --> 00:05:35,021
we were talking about.
164
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It wasn't a road.
165
00:05:37,057 --> 00:05:38,192
For the millionth time,
166
00:05:38,259 --> 00:05:39,658
just because a road's
not on a map,
167
00:05:39,726 --> 00:05:40,659
doesn't mean it's not a road!
168
00:05:40,727 --> 00:05:41,794
Inside voice.
169
00:05:41,861 --> 00:05:42,895
You know what means
it's not a road?
170
00:05:42,963 --> 00:05:44,029
When there are guys in tanks
171
00:05:44,098 --> 00:05:45,398
telling you to turn around.
172
00:05:45,466 --> 00:05:46,799
Oh, come on! Those were
two kids in a jeep!
173
00:05:46,866 --> 00:05:47,900
Car gets stuck in the mud,
174
00:05:47,968 --> 00:05:49,868
and no, you could not move it,
175
00:05:49,936 --> 00:05:51,537
- Oh, here it is.
- Because, God forbid, you break a nail!
176
00:05:51,605 --> 00:05:53,772
I got one manicure, one time!
177
00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:56,075
I'm not doing this.
I'm not doing this!
178
00:05:56,142 --> 00:05:58,978
♪ Ouli's all right,
Russell's all right ♪
179
00:05:59,045 --> 00:06:02,347
♪ They just seem
a little weird ♪
180
00:06:02,415 --> 00:06:04,016
♪ Surrender,
surrender... ♪
181
00:06:05,484 --> 00:06:06,417
I'm leaving.
182
00:06:06,485 --> 00:06:07,753
You mean before you get
your "quethadillath"?
183
00:06:07,821 --> 00:06:08,854
That's it.
184
00:06:16,195 --> 00:06:17,596
It was crazy.
185
00:06:17,663 --> 00:06:19,697
There was, like,
serious heat between them.
186
00:06:19,765 --> 00:06:20,932
Does she still have
feelings for him?
187
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,734
Maybe...
188
00:06:22,801 --> 00:06:23,901
Hey, Schmidt.
189
00:06:23,969 --> 00:06:25,604
What up?
190
00:06:25,671 --> 00:06:26,838
So, Nadia's excited
for your date tonight.
191
00:06:26,905 --> 00:06:28,372
I bet.
192
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:29,573
Make sure, uh,
you use protection.
193
00:06:29,641 --> 00:06:30,974
She's a foreigner, Cece.
194
00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:32,876
What, do I look like an idiot?
195
00:06:32,944 --> 00:06:35,279
Seriously, she doesn't even know
where she's been, all right?
196
00:06:35,347 --> 00:06:37,181
What, are we at Santa's
family reunion?
197
00:06:37,249 --> 00:06:39,283
'Cause the "clawses"
are coming out.
198
00:06:41,019 --> 00:06:43,654
The-the "claws" are coming out?
You know...
199
00:06:43,721 --> 00:06:45,355
You're being catty, Cece.
200
00:06:48,592 --> 00:06:51,227
Are you gonna let him
go out with Nadia?
201
00:06:51,295 --> 00:06:54,531
She was kicked out
of Russia, Cece. Russia.
202
00:06:54,598 --> 00:06:56,999
Come on, why don't you just
tell him you like him?
203
00:06:57,067 --> 00:06:58,701
It doesn't matter
if I like him.
204
00:06:58,769 --> 00:07:01,170
- It's over.
- And you're fine with that?
205
00:07:01,737 --> 00:07:03,305
- Yeah.
- Are you?
206
00:07:03,373 --> 00:07:04,939
Yeah.
207
00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:06,375
Are you?
208
00:07:06,442 --> 00:07:07,676
- Yeah.
- Hold up. Are you?
209
00:07:07,743 --> 00:07:09,211
- I am gonna kill you.
- But are you?
210
00:07:14,584 --> 00:07:16,450
- Hey, Nick...
- What?
211
00:07:16,518 --> 00:07:18,052
Have you seen
Shelby's cat Rummikub?
212
00:07:18,119 --> 00:07:19,253
I mean, he is the cutest.
213
00:07:19,321 --> 00:07:20,655
Just the absolute cutest.
214
00:07:20,722 --> 00:07:22,256
All right, take a look
at this picture
215
00:07:22,324 --> 00:07:23,924
where he woke up on my face.
216
00:07:23,992 --> 00:07:25,193
Can't even see my face.
217
00:07:25,260 --> 00:07:26,594
I look like a cat man.
218
00:07:29,030 --> 00:07:31,299
No! No!
Get out of here, birds!
219
00:07:31,366 --> 00:07:33,233
Please get out of here,
you sky rats!
220
00:07:33,301 --> 00:07:35,802
Go back to Hell,
where you belong!
221
00:07:35,869 --> 00:07:37,304
Leave me and my plants alone!
222
00:07:37,371 --> 00:07:38,605
I need this!
223
00:07:38,673 --> 00:07:40,006
You know who loves birds?
224
00:07:40,074 --> 00:07:41,374
Please don't say it, Winston.
225
00:07:41,442 --> 00:07:43,243
Shelby.
226
00:07:46,814 --> 00:07:49,014
So...
227
00:07:51,585 --> 00:07:53,018
How do you like America?
228
00:07:53,086 --> 00:07:55,521
I like salad bar.
229
00:07:55,589 --> 00:07:57,989
I like Despicable Me.
230
00:07:58,057 --> 00:08:00,693
Tosh 2.0.
231
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,295
I like Connect 4,
232
00:08:03,363 --> 00:08:05,697
freedom of speech,
233
00:08:05,764 --> 00:08:07,164
David Fincher,
234
00:08:07,233 --> 00:08:10,034
uh... sidewalk.
235
00:08:10,102 --> 00:08:13,971
I like 1-800-SLIM.
236
00:08:14,539 --> 00:08:16,774
"Your Mama" jokes.
237
00:08:17,342 --> 00:08:18,710
Strawberry.
238
00:08:19,277 --> 00:08:22,379
Wilmer Velmavelma.
239
00:08:22,447 --> 00:08:24,414
Leon J. Panetta.
240
00:08:24,482 --> 00:08:27,551
Ice skating for fun,
not to save life.
241
00:08:28,653 --> 00:08:30,053
What are you laughing at?
242
00:08:30,121 --> 00:08:31,688
Cheese. Is for mouse.
243
00:08:31,756 --> 00:08:33,624
Are you Mick Mouse?
244
00:08:33,691 --> 00:08:35,458
- Am I what?
- Why don't you get in your spaceship
245
00:08:35,459 --> 00:08:37,226
like Mick Mouse?
246
00:08:37,294 --> 00:08:38,327
- What are you talking about?
- Mick Mouse.
247
00:08:38,395 --> 00:08:40,329
- What is a Mick Mouse?
- Mick Mouse!
248
00:08:40,397 --> 00:08:42,097
I don't understand
what Mick Mouse is!
249
00:08:42,165 --> 00:08:44,600
- Mick Mouse!
- I don't under... I don't...
250
00:08:44,668 --> 00:08:45,501
What does that mean?
What's a Mick Mouse?
251
00:08:45,569 --> 00:08:46,736
Mick Mouse!
252
00:08:46,803 --> 00:08:47,970
Are you saying Mickey Mouse?
253
00:08:48,037 --> 00:08:48,971
Yes.
254
00:08:49,038 --> 00:08:50,706
In America, honey, okay,
255
00:08:50,774 --> 00:08:53,007
Mickey Mouse, he's earthbound.
256
00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:54,676
Let's do sex party.
257
00:08:54,744 --> 00:08:57,044
I sex you in face.
258
00:08:57,112 --> 00:08:59,046
You're gonna sex me in my face?
259
00:09:01,317 --> 00:09:03,151
Well, fancy meeting you here.
260
00:09:03,218 --> 00:09:05,153
- Hi.
- What's up?
261
00:09:05,220 --> 00:09:06,288
Love the gym.
262
00:09:07,456 --> 00:09:08,922
You and Russell, huh?
263
00:09:08,990 --> 00:09:10,291
- Oh... God.
- Last night?
264
00:09:10,358 --> 00:09:11,759
Sorry.
265
00:09:11,826 --> 00:09:13,226
If we made you feel
uncomfortable.
266
00:09:13,295 --> 00:09:14,961
We just can't be
in the same room
267
00:09:15,029 --> 00:09:17,364
without wanting to rip
each other's faces off.
268
00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:19,099
Yeah... yeah.
269
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:20,434
Well, as long
as it's, like, you know, faces
270
00:09:20,502 --> 00:09:22,469
and not, like... clothes.
271
00:09:22,537 --> 00:09:24,504
- You don't think...
- No.
272
00:09:24,571 --> 00:09:27,273
I'm just... it's my endorphins,
273
00:09:27,341 --> 00:09:29,676
'cause I'm just, like, so high
on endorphins.
274
00:09:29,743 --> 00:09:31,344
Yeah, because there's not
a chance in hell.
275
00:09:31,412 --> 00:09:32,845
I mean, he is all yours.
276
00:09:32,913 --> 00:09:34,380
All yours.
277
00:09:34,948 --> 00:09:36,316
Awesome.
278
00:09:36,383 --> 00:09:38,284
I mean, you know
what it's like with Russell.
279
00:09:38,352 --> 00:09:39,619
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
280
00:09:39,687 --> 00:09:41,453
I mean...
It's this roller coaster.
281
00:09:41,521 --> 00:09:44,323
It's like standing
on the bow of a catamaran
282
00:09:44,390 --> 00:09:48,393
blasted with spray
during a perfect storm.
283
00:09:48,461 --> 00:09:50,161
But you're...
284
00:09:50,229 --> 00:09:52,931
naked and...
285
00:09:52,998 --> 00:09:54,533
and you're on fire.
286
00:09:55,668 --> 00:09:56,701
You know?
287
00:09:56,768 --> 00:09:59,169
- Yeah. I do.
- Whoo!
288
00:09:59,237 --> 00:10:02,807
I'm just, like, "Russell,
put away the passion."
289
00:10:02,874 --> 00:10:04,908
And...
290
00:10:04,976 --> 00:10:06,577
show me a moderately good time.
291
00:10:06,645 --> 00:10:07,578
Yeah.
292
00:10:07,646 --> 00:10:08,846
Crazy.
293
00:10:08,913 --> 00:10:11,114
- So crazy.
- It's crazy.
294
00:10:11,182 --> 00:10:13,049
Russell.
295
00:10:20,559 --> 00:10:21,960
- Hey!
- What?
296
00:10:22,027 --> 00:10:23,194
What's with all the hammering?
297
00:10:23,262 --> 00:10:24,662
Whoa!
What the hell is this thing?
298
00:10:24,663 --> 00:10:25,729
This thing is creepy.
299
00:10:25,797 --> 00:10:27,798
Yeah, it's called
a scarecrow, okay?
300
00:10:27,866 --> 00:10:29,800
Birds keep coming after
my plants.
301
00:10:29,868 --> 00:10:32,435
Whatever you're doing, just...
stop with the hammering, okay?
302
00:10:32,503 --> 00:10:33,971
Because me and Shelby are
downstairs, right now,
303
00:10:34,038 --> 00:10:35,873
trying to make love.
304
00:10:35,940 --> 00:10:37,141
- Ugh! Did you honestly just say that?
- Well, dude,
305
00:10:37,208 --> 00:10:38,809
we're making love, man.
It's beautiful.
306
00:10:38,877 --> 00:10:40,244
Who have you become, man?
307
00:10:40,311 --> 00:10:41,844
I'm happy.
Am I not allowed to be happy?
308
00:10:41,912 --> 00:10:43,379
You're allowed to be happy,
309
00:10:43,446 --> 00:10:45,113
but it's really annoying,
the way you're doing it.
310
00:10:45,182 --> 00:10:46,615
You know what I
don't care about?
311
00:10:46,683 --> 00:10:47,917
- Mm-hmm?
- Shelby.
312
00:10:48,485 --> 00:10:50,318
Oh, Shelby loves puzzles.
313
00:10:50,487 --> 00:10:53,222
Oh, Shelby loves donuts,
but hates donut holes.
314
00:10:53,290 --> 00:10:54,757
Why are you hating
on Shelby so much?
315
00:10:54,825 --> 00:10:56,992
I used to be your Shelby!
316
00:10:57,059 --> 00:10:58,794
That came out wrong.
317
00:10:58,861 --> 00:11:00,695
I'm sorry, I didn't know
it was my fault
318
00:11:00,763 --> 00:11:02,831
that your life sucks
and you're so miserable.
319
00:11:02,899 --> 00:11:05,133
Look at yourself!
You look like one of those guys
320
00:11:05,201 --> 00:11:07,701
who crawls out of the grave
in the "Thriller" video.
321
00:11:13,541 --> 00:11:15,309
- I want you to git.
- Seriously?
322
00:11:15,310 --> 00:11:17,845
- I want you to git off my farm!
- This is a little weird, man.
323
00:11:17,913 --> 00:11:19,536
You used to be my best friend.
Now, I don't know!
324
00:11:19,537 --> 00:11:20,347
Talk to yourself, man.
325
00:11:20,415 --> 00:11:22,382
- So git!
- I'm gitten!
326
00:11:22,450 --> 00:11:24,418
- I don't need ya!
- Shut up!
327
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:33,591
Hey, Russell.
328
00:11:33,592 --> 00:11:34,593
Mm-hmm.
329
00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:36,829
Do I ever drive you crazy?
330
00:11:37,396 --> 00:11:38,997
Of course not.
331
00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:40,599
Come on. There has to be
something that I do
332
00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:43,135
that just, like...
gets under your skin.
333
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:44,769
No, I can't think of anything.
334
00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:46,671
Come on, Russell. Think.
335
00:11:46,739 --> 00:11:48,006
Think, think, think, think.
336
00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:49,808
Thin-k.
337
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:52,610
That's annoying, right,
the way I say, "Think"?
338
00:11:52,678 --> 00:11:53,778
- Well...
- With a "K."
339
00:11:53,846 --> 00:11:56,113
Okay, Jess, um...
340
00:11:56,581 --> 00:11:57,949
Your eyes bug out a little
341
00:11:57,950 --> 00:11:59,551
- when you're trying to make a point.
- Yeah?
342
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:02,920
Yeah. And you do this,
uh, squatting thing
343
00:12:02,988 --> 00:12:04,522
- when you're thinking sometimes.
- Yeah?
344
00:12:04,590 --> 00:12:06,190
Yeah. Don't love that.
345
00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:11,094
- Like that? Like that?
- Uh...
346
00:12:11,162 --> 00:12:12,896
Yeah, and I've never
actually seen both of
347
00:12:12,964 --> 00:12:14,832
those things together, so
it's not a favorite of mine.
348
00:12:14,899 --> 00:12:17,601
Is this just driving you crazy?
349
00:12:17,669 --> 00:12:18,836
Um...
350
00:12:18,903 --> 00:12:21,037
No, but it's not pleasant.
351
00:12:21,105 --> 00:12:22,205
You're not pleasant.
352
00:12:23,741 --> 00:12:25,274
You're not pleasant.
353
00:12:25,342 --> 00:12:26,776
- That's not nice, that's-that's...
- Yeah.
354
00:12:26,844 --> 00:12:28,110
- Not nice.
- No, it's passion!
355
00:12:28,178 --> 00:12:30,413
Oh! You hurt my teeth.
356
00:12:30,481 --> 00:12:32,348
Yeah, what you gonna
do about it, Russell?
357
00:12:32,416 --> 00:12:34,316
Uh, well, I mean,
probably nothing.
358
00:12:34,385 --> 00:12:36,719
You know, I hate this shirt,
I hate this shirt.
359
00:12:36,787 --> 00:12:38,988
Okay. Okay, you know, well
could you please... thank you.
360
00:12:41,056 --> 00:12:43,224
There it is.
There's the fire.
361
00:12:43,292 --> 00:12:45,560
Where you been hiding it, Rusty?
Where you been hiding it?
362
00:12:45,628 --> 00:12:46,961
I'm gonna, um, make some tea.
363
00:12:47,029 --> 00:12:48,397
Do you want some tea?
We have chamomile.
364
00:12:48,464 --> 00:12:49,865
- No!
- Okay. I mean...
365
00:12:49,932 --> 00:12:52,467
oolong... oolong,
you want oolong?
366
00:12:52,535 --> 00:12:55,636
Ugh, I hate that you have
so many coasters! Why?
367
00:12:55,704 --> 00:12:56,877
Well, it's actually kind
of a funny story...
368
00:12:56,878 --> 00:12:57,170
Yeah?
369
00:12:57,238 --> 00:12:59,039
- Wow.
- You just coasting through life,
370
00:12:59,107 --> 00:13:00,785
- you coaster?
- This isn't good, not at all.
371
00:13:00,786 --> 00:13:01,442
What are you...
372
00:13:01,510 --> 00:13:03,744
You know, now-now I'm pissed.
What is this?
373
00:13:06,747 --> 00:13:08,181
Something's missing.
374
00:13:08,249 --> 00:13:09,617
I didn't know it
375
00:13:09,684 --> 00:13:12,084
until I saw you and Ouli
together the other night
376
00:13:12,152 --> 00:13:14,053
almost strangle each other.
377
00:13:14,121 --> 00:13:15,922
But then it clicked.
378
00:13:15,989 --> 00:13:17,657
I want that.
379
00:13:19,293 --> 00:13:21,128
I want what you and Ouli have.
380
00:13:21,129 --> 00:13:23,396
You want me to treat you
like my ex-wife?
381
00:13:23,964 --> 00:13:25,231
Who I hate?
382
00:13:25,799 --> 00:13:27,966
I don't know, I just...
383
00:13:28,034 --> 00:13:30,268
You guys have this spark,
384
00:13:30,336 --> 00:13:32,203
and I want that spark!
385
00:13:32,271 --> 00:13:33,872
You have to admit,
386
00:13:33,940 --> 00:13:35,206
you have this spark,
this passion.
387
00:13:36,643 --> 00:13:39,344
Passion's overrated, Jess.
388
00:13:43,515 --> 00:13:45,950
I knew we shouldn't have
gone to that dinner, I...
389
00:13:46,017 --> 00:13:47,418
I want to go home.
390
00:13:47,486 --> 00:13:48,753
Jess...
391
00:13:48,821 --> 00:13:50,955
Just...
392
00:13:51,022 --> 00:13:53,190
can you just take me home?
393
00:13:59,196 --> 00:14:00,229
Get in there!
394
00:14:00,297 --> 00:14:02,065
Useless.
395
00:14:02,132 --> 00:14:04,601
You... get...
in there.
396
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:07,036
What is this, Martin Scorsese's
The Wizard of Oz?
397
00:14:07,104 --> 00:14:08,872
I'm sorry about what
happened on the roof, man.
398
00:14:08,940 --> 00:14:10,941
Apology accepted.
399
00:14:11,008 --> 00:14:12,375
It's just... we used to be
miserable together, man.
400
00:14:14,445 --> 00:14:16,079
We did have some pretty
bad times together.
401
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:17,713
Had the worst.
402
00:14:17,781 --> 00:14:19,215
Hey, remember that time
we pooled our money
403
00:14:19,283 --> 00:14:20,649
and bought that online
dating profile together?
404
00:14:20,717 --> 00:14:22,151
Yes.
405
00:14:22,219 --> 00:14:24,320
The ladies did not care
for Ninston Biller.
406
00:14:24,388 --> 00:14:26,322
- Zero dates.
- Zero.
407
00:14:26,390 --> 00:14:29,192
I'm sorry that I can't
be happier for you.
408
00:14:29,259 --> 00:14:31,394
I don't really know what's
wrong with me, Winston.
409
00:14:31,462 --> 00:14:32,995
- You want me to tell you?
- Not really, actually.
410
00:14:33,062 --> 00:14:34,562
Okay, why are you giving up?
411
00:14:34,630 --> 00:14:36,831
If something doesn't work out,
what do you do?
412
00:14:36,899 --> 00:14:39,001
You make an adjustment,
you give it one more shot.
413
00:14:39,068 --> 00:14:41,536
- I mean, that's what I did with...
- Okay, just say it.
414
00:14:41,604 --> 00:14:42,871
- ...My beautiful Shelby.
- Shelby.
415
00:14:42,938 --> 00:14:44,006
See, why did you say,
"my beautiful Shelby"?
416
00:14:44,073 --> 00:14:45,407
It's so weird.
417
00:14:45,475 --> 00:14:47,476
Look, man, I just called her
out of the blue, okay?
418
00:14:47,543 --> 00:14:49,643
And then...
I was a different person,
419
00:14:49,711 --> 00:14:52,179
and she was a different person.
Now look at us, man.
420
00:14:52,247 --> 00:14:55,182
We're eating sandwiches and
making love to one another.
421
00:14:56,751 --> 00:14:58,452
Sandwiches and sex?
422
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,621
I want that.
423
00:15:02,991 --> 00:15:04,424
Hey.
424
00:15:04,492 --> 00:15:07,460
How, um... how was
your date last night?
425
00:15:07,528 --> 00:15:10,363
Brief. Small man go to hospital.
426
00:15:10,931 --> 00:15:12,198
The hospital?
427
00:15:12,266 --> 00:15:14,067
- Is he okay?
- I don't know.
428
00:15:14,135 --> 00:15:16,569
I leave him there,
I go make bowling.
429
00:15:16,637 --> 00:15:19,305
Nadia... like, honestly,
what did you do to him?
430
00:15:19,373 --> 00:15:21,873
Well, he cry and cry.
It was so funny.
431
00:15:21,941 --> 00:15:23,375
Oh, my God.
432
00:15:23,443 --> 00:15:25,644
There's me!
433
00:15:30,469 --> 00:15:33,071
I really like what we have.
I thought you did, too.
434
00:15:33,138 --> 00:15:35,538
I do. I did.
It's just, Russell...
435
00:15:38,176 --> 00:15:39,976
Great. Just forget it.
436
00:15:40,044 --> 00:15:42,679
Yeah, that seems to happen
every time you're in this car.
437
00:15:42,747 --> 00:15:45,448
But there's so many buttons.
It's like...
438
00:15:45,516 --> 00:15:48,719
The Batmobile doesn't
have so many buttons.
439
00:15:49,486 --> 00:15:52,387
Look, Jess,
I've already done the crazy,
440
00:15:52,455 --> 00:15:54,256
explosive passion thing.
441
00:15:54,324 --> 00:15:56,658
When I was with Ouli, it was
like edging closer and closer
442
00:15:56,727 --> 00:15:57,960
to a wood chipper.
443
00:15:59,429 --> 00:16:01,263
I'm not looking
for that any more.
444
00:16:02,331 --> 00:16:03,565
I understand.
445
00:16:04,133 --> 00:16:05,935
But I am.
446
00:16:06,702 --> 00:16:07,902
And...
447
00:16:07,970 --> 00:16:11,340
I want passion...
448
00:16:11,407 --> 00:16:14,008
even if it's harder
and hurts more.
449
00:16:16,746 --> 00:16:19,348
So that's it.
450
00:16:19,415 --> 00:16:20,982
Good-bye, Russell.
451
00:16:27,389 --> 00:16:28,789
Well...
452
00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:30,691
Yeah.
453
00:16:34,429 --> 00:16:36,530
Oh, my God.
454
00:16:36,598 --> 00:16:38,431
Are you serious?
455
00:16:38,499 --> 00:16:41,200
How do you look this good
under fluorescent lights?
456
00:16:41,269 --> 00:16:43,603
I am so, so sorry.
457
00:16:43,671 --> 00:16:47,140
Okay? This is all my fault.
I thought...
458
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:48,475
What happened?
459
00:16:50,144 --> 00:16:53,446
Yeah, um... this
is embarrassing.
460
00:16:55,081 --> 00:16:56,448
I broke my penis.
461
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:57,849
You what?
462
00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,418
I broke my penis.
463
00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:01,287
Things got... I mean,
just out of control
464
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,521
with Nadia last night.
465
00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:04,323
And there was like
466
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:07,092
this one moment where
it was just blinding pain.
467
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:08,727
And then there was another
moment where I was like
468
00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:10,928
watching myself watch myself...
469
00:17:10,996 --> 00:17:13,765
I think I finally understand
what The Tree of Life is about.
470
00:17:13,832 --> 00:17:16,033
And I can't be certain of this,
471
00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:18,102
but I'm almost positive
472
00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:20,471
that Nadia's vagina
contains a right angle.
473
00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:21,673
I'm leaving.
I cannot believe I came here.
474
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:22,807
How are you upset right now?
475
00:17:23,574 --> 00:17:25,343
Cece, you ended this.
476
00:17:25,411 --> 00:17:27,243
I don't know what
you want from me!
477
00:17:27,312 --> 00:17:29,746
I don't want you
sleeping with Nadia.
478
00:17:29,814 --> 00:17:33,216
Are you crazy? I don't want you
sleeping with anyone.
479
00:17:35,119 --> 00:17:36,920
Because I like you.
480
00:17:39,757 --> 00:17:42,225
I can't just always say
what I feel, okay?
481
00:17:42,293 --> 00:17:43,992
It's just...
482
00:17:44,060 --> 00:17:46,028
Just, whatever, Schmidt.
483
00:17:46,095 --> 00:17:48,864
You like me.
484
00:17:48,932 --> 00:17:50,533
You like my personality?
485
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:52,067
I was surprised, too.
486
00:17:53,135 --> 00:17:54,136
Come here.
487
00:18:00,175 --> 00:18:01,242
- Oh!
- Oh!
488
00:18:03,011 --> 00:18:06,147
- What happened?
- Oh, my God, why?
489
00:18:06,215 --> 00:18:07,782
Oh, what?
490
00:18:07,850 --> 00:18:09,584
Oh, my God, my penis is
having a heart attack.
491
00:18:09,652 --> 00:18:10,918
- Don't touch me, don't touch me.
- Okay. I...
492
00:18:10,986 --> 00:18:12,854
- You gotta get out of here.
- All right.
493
00:18:12,921 --> 00:18:14,055
I mean, I'd-I'd like...
don't bend over!
494
00:18:14,122 --> 00:18:15,723
For crying out loud!
What are you, nuts?
495
00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:17,224
I'm sorry, it's the yoga pants.
496
00:18:17,291 --> 00:18:19,025
I'm sorry for this, but I...
497
00:18:19,093 --> 00:18:20,527
- I like you.
- And I like you, too, so much.
498
00:18:20,595 --> 00:18:22,229
Call a nurse,
call a male nurse.
499
00:18:22,296 --> 00:18:24,030
Probably a heavy-set
male nurse would be nice.
500
00:18:24,098 --> 00:18:25,566
Bye.
501
00:18:25,633 --> 00:18:27,267
Describe it to them as like a...
as a battered highway cone.
502
00:18:44,351 --> 00:18:45,518
Oh, hey.
503
00:18:45,586 --> 00:18:47,519
Hey...
504
00:18:47,587 --> 00:18:48,953
Caroline, how you doing?
505
00:18:49,021 --> 00:18:50,689
Good.
506
00:18:50,757 --> 00:18:53,091
Just... going to
use the bathroom.
507
00:18:53,158 --> 00:18:55,894
♪ For sentimental reasons... ♪
508
00:18:55,961 --> 00:18:57,429
- Caroline?
- Yeah, I know.
509
00:18:57,497 --> 00:19:00,031
I just called her, and then...
I don't know, it's...
510
00:19:00,099 --> 00:19:02,533
What are you doing? You guys had
such a terrible relationship.
511
00:19:02,601 --> 00:19:03,768
Are you crazy?
512
00:19:03,835 --> 00:19:05,370
Are you burning incense?
513
00:19:05,437 --> 00:19:07,638
Yes, I am, for ambiance.
She digs it.
514
00:19:07,706 --> 00:19:09,606
She digs it?
515
00:19:09,673 --> 00:19:11,708
Are you kidding, Nick?
What happened?
516
00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:13,110
What happened to
swearing off women
517
00:19:13,177 --> 00:19:15,312
and focusing on tomatoes?
518
00:19:15,380 --> 00:19:17,747
I can't grow tomatoes, Jess.
519
00:19:18,315 --> 00:19:21,285
I think this is what was
supposed to happen all along.
520
00:19:21,352 --> 00:19:24,087
Me and Caroline.
And I'm okay with it.
521
00:19:24,155 --> 00:19:25,621
I'm happy.
522
00:19:25,688 --> 00:19:27,623
That is pathetic, Nick.
You're just saying that
523
00:19:27,690 --> 00:19:28,824
'cause you don't
have the patience
524
00:19:28,892 --> 00:19:30,393
or the courage to be alone.
525
00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:31,961
I will never get
used to those urinals.
526
00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:35,665
Hey, would you give me a second?
I have to talk to Jess for...
527
00:19:35,733 --> 00:19:37,033
Oh. Sure.
528
00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:38,200
- Great.
- Okay.
529
00:19:38,268 --> 00:19:40,269
- Bye, Caroline.
- Bye.
530
00:19:40,337 --> 00:19:42,570
See you in one second.
What is your problem?
531
00:19:42,638 --> 00:19:45,307
Have fun making
terrible life decisions!
532
00:19:45,374 --> 00:19:46,841
Oh, you just know
everything, don't you?
533
00:19:46,909 --> 00:19:48,576
- No, I don't...
- I'm actually so sick of you.
534
00:19:48,644 --> 00:19:50,445
I'm just really
disappointed in you.
535
00:19:50,512 --> 00:19:52,414
You know, maybe I'll be
more like you, Jess,
536
00:19:52,481 --> 00:19:54,682
and I'll go run into the
kitchen and make pastries
537
00:19:54,750 --> 00:19:55,917
- with sprinklies on them,
- That isn't what I do.
538
00:19:55,985 --> 00:19:58,118
Then throw some
dumb pajama outfit on,
539
00:19:58,186 --> 00:20:00,321
and then tell other people
how to live their lives!
540
00:20:00,388 --> 00:20:02,222
It's not a pajama outfit!
541
00:20:02,290 --> 00:20:04,558
- They're called pajamas!
- That's what I said!
542
00:20:04,625 --> 00:20:06,493
Nick, why don't you
go back in your room
543
00:20:06,561 --> 00:20:07,995
and put on your stupid flannel
544
00:20:08,063 --> 00:20:10,331
and keep not living up
to your potential!
545
00:20:10,398 --> 00:20:12,333
- You're a crazy person, Jess!
- I am not,
546
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:13,967
I'm just saying things
that you don't want to hear.
547
00:20:14,034 --> 00:20:15,301
You know what I would
like to hear from you?
548
00:20:15,369 --> 00:20:16,735
- What?
- Silence!
549
00:20:16,803 --> 00:20:18,938
Well, I'm not gonna
be silenced!
550
00:20:19,006 --> 00:20:20,606
Just shut up!
For one second be quiet!
551
00:20:20,674 --> 00:20:22,442
- I'm trying to help you!
- Please be quiet!
552
00:20:22,509 --> 00:20:23,676
- No! No!
- I don't want your help.
553
00:20:23,743 --> 00:20:25,578
Stop making that face at me.
I hate that face.
554
00:20:25,645 --> 00:20:28,047
This is my only face!
I don't have a lot of faces,
555
00:20:28,115 --> 00:20:30,782
and if you don't like
looking at my face, Jess...
556
00:20:32,352 --> 00:20:35,053
...then look at my ass!
557
00:20:36,389 --> 00:20:39,157
- Oh!
- Yeah! Get a good look!
558
00:20:39,225 --> 00:20:41,893
- Stop shaking your ass at me, you quitter.
- This is the ass of a failure.
559
00:20:41,961 --> 00:20:44,396
- You get a look.
- Look right at my ass.
560
00:20:44,464 --> 00:20:46,964
- No, Nick.
- You bought the ticket, take a ride.
561
00:20:47,032 --> 00:20:49,967
- Feast your eyes on my butt.
- I'm winning this moment.
562
00:20:50,035 --> 00:20:50,974
- You quitter.
- Look at my butt,
563
00:20:50,975 --> 00:20:51,802
it's going faster than yours!
564
00:20:51,870 --> 00:20:54,305
I have the fastest
butt in the land.
565
00:20:54,373 --> 00:20:56,140
- I got a faster one!
- No, you don't.
566
00:20:56,208 --> 00:20:58,142
- What are we doing?
- Stop looking at my ass.
567
00:20:58,710 --> 00:21:00,077
Oh, I'm gonna kill you.
568
00:21:01,412 --> 00:21:03,080
Quitter!
569
00:21:06,149 --> 00:21:08,251
You really think Nick is
gonna believe that a tomato
570
00:21:08,319 --> 00:21:10,353
just sprung up overnight?
571
00:21:10,421 --> 00:21:11,587
Yes, I do.
572
00:21:11,655 --> 00:21:13,323
When it comes to tomatoes,
573
00:21:13,391 --> 00:21:16,226
no one in the world
knows less than Nick.
574
00:21:16,293 --> 00:21:18,660
- So how long you gotta ice that thing?
- Eight weeks.
575
00:21:18,728 --> 00:21:20,396
I mean, if I have
any excitement
576
00:21:20,463 --> 00:21:22,331
it's excruciating pain.
577
00:21:22,399 --> 00:21:23,765
- Boobies.
- What?
578
00:21:24,233 --> 00:21:27,769
- Boobies.
- I love boobies...
579
00:21:27,837 --> 00:21:30,056
- Girls with clean hair.
- Winston, this is the least funny game
580
00:21:30,057 --> 00:21:30,705
we've ever played.
581
00:21:30,773 --> 00:21:32,541
Models eating sliders.
582
00:21:32,998 --> 00:21:34,275
Bernadette Peters on a high beam.
583
00:21:35,443 --> 00:21:37,577
- Freshly baked bread.
- Oh God.
584
00:21:37,578 --> 00:21:42,447
Sync by Alice I www.addic7ed.com