1
00:00:06,033 --> 00:00:09,053
Oh, late, late,
late, late, late.
2
00:00:09,054 --> 00:00:12,053
♪ I couldn't dance
with another ♪
3
00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:13,082
♪ No, I ♪
4
00:00:13,083 --> 00:00:15,078
♪ Couldn't ask
for another ♪
5
00:00:15,079 --> 00:00:18,007
♪ Groove is in the heart,
yeah. ♪
6
00:00:18,008 --> 00:00:19,025
Cold, cold, cold shower!
7
00:00:19,026 --> 00:00:21,087
Hey, hey, hey.
8
00:00:21,088 --> 00:00:23,075
You can't turn the sink on
when someone's in the shower.
9
00:00:23,076 --> 00:00:25,041
This is not some fancy hotel.
10
00:00:25,042 --> 00:00:27,003
Okay, I'm sorry, I overslept.
11
00:00:27,004 --> 00:00:28,062
I'm running late for a meeting
with the vice principal.
12
00:00:28,063 --> 00:00:31,003
Please get out of here
so I can save
13
00:00:31,004 --> 00:00:32,999
a little bit of my dignity.
14
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,999
One, two, three, four.
15
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,081
♪ Groove is in the heart. ♪
16
00:00:36,082 --> 00:00:38,081
I'm not gonna do it, Schmidt,
so you can just stop asking me.
17
00:00:38,082 --> 00:00:40,075
- Well, I'm gonna keep asking, so just do it.
- Look,
18
00:00:40,076 --> 00:00:42,031
I'm not doing it until
you tell me why you've had
19
00:00:42,032 --> 00:00:44,012
time to shave your chest
but not your face.
20
00:00:46,004 --> 00:00:48,007
Ugh, Jess, would you
please scratch an itch
21
00:00:48,008 --> 00:00:49,069
I have on my undercarriage?
22
00:00:49,070 --> 00:00:51,042
I can't get the right angle
and Winston refuses.
23
00:00:51,043 --> 00:00:53,011
No, I don't have time, Schmidt.
24
00:00:53,012 --> 00:00:54,054
Jess, please, I-I--
this is awful.
25
00:00:54,055 --> 00:00:57,011
I feel like I dropped
something in there.
26
00:00:57,012 --> 00:00:58,999
You hear that? Loose change.
27
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:00,069
I thought we talked
28
00:01:00,070 --> 00:01:02,096
about you not wearing your
shower diaper in the kitchen.
29
00:01:02,097 --> 00:01:05,037
Excuse me, do you think
this has been easy for me--
30
00:01:05,038 --> 00:01:08,061
to wash myself all summer long
with a penis cast on?
31
00:01:08,062 --> 00:01:10,000
Thank God this thing
comes off this afternoon.
32
00:01:10,001 --> 00:01:13,041
And by the way, I know
what you've been thinking,
33
00:01:13,042 --> 00:01:14,094
and the answer is yes,
34
00:01:14,095 --> 00:01:16,054
I have been able
to reach completion
35
00:01:16,055 --> 00:01:19,045
with some very precise
and vigorous nipple play.
36
00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:20,999
Nipple play-- off-limits.
37
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,096
Wait, Jess, please,
I-I'm begging you.
38
00:01:22,097 --> 00:01:24,016
Okay, fine.
39
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:26,041
Just get it,
just get it in there
40
00:01:26,042 --> 00:01:28,042
- in the back.
- Stop moving like that.
41
00:01:28,045 --> 00:01:30,020
There you go.
42
00:01:32,004 --> 00:01:33,024
Oh, thank God.
43
00:01:33,025 --> 00:01:35,003
What am I watching here?
44
00:01:35,004 --> 00:01:36,038
- What do you mean?
- This is friendship,
45
00:01:36,041 --> 00:01:39,074
Pure unadulterated friendship.
46
00:01:39,075 --> 00:01:41,020
Oh, yeah.
47
00:01:41,021 --> 00:01:44,032
♪ Hey, girl ♪
48
00:01:44,033 --> 00:01:46,041
♪ What you doing? ♪
49
00:01:46,042 --> 00:01:49,045
♪ Hey, girl ♪
50
00:01:49,046 --> 00:01:52,016
♪ Where you going? ♪
51
00:01:52,017 --> 00:01:54,096
- ♪ Who's that girl? ♪
- ♪Who's that girl? ♪
52
00:01:54,099 --> 00:01:56,028
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
53
00:01:56,029 --> 00:01:58,096
- ♪Who's that girl?♪
- ♪ It's Jess. ♪
54
00:01:58,097 --> 00:02:02,999
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
55
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,066
Hi, Tanya, um, sorry I'm late.
56
00:02:05,067 --> 00:02:07,024
Take a seat.
57
00:02:07,025 --> 00:02:08,045
Okay.
58
00:02:08,046 --> 00:02:10,003
Is everything all right?
59
00:02:10,004 --> 00:02:11,079
I'll give you
the bad news first.
60
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:12,082
Okay.
61
00:02:12,083 --> 00:02:15,007
The bad news is, is that
cutbacks are forcing me
62
00:02:15,008 --> 00:02:17,096
to lay off ten percent
of our nontenured teachers.
63
00:02:17,097 --> 00:02:19,070
That's terrible.
64
00:02:19,071 --> 00:02:22,038
But the bad news is, is that
it seems you are one of them.
65
00:02:25,004 --> 00:02:27,008
That's not how
you deliver news.
66
00:02:29,008 --> 00:02:30,038
What are you doing?
67
00:02:30,039 --> 00:02:32,082
Trying to make this more fun.
68
00:02:32,083 --> 00:02:35,042
- No.
- You're right.
69
00:02:35,045 --> 00:02:38,041
Tanya, I'm a really
good teacher.
70
00:02:38,042 --> 00:02:40,016
I care about my kids.
71
00:02:40,017 --> 00:02:41,058
I spent two months
72
00:02:41,059 --> 00:02:45,011
in summer school with an
Indian student named Vaj Rejuv
73
00:02:45,012 --> 00:02:48,087
and I did not laugh
once, not once.
74
00:02:48,088 --> 00:02:51,057
I'm sorry, Jess,
but on the plus side...
75
00:02:51,058 --> 00:02:53,061
you can have anything you want
76
00:02:53,062 --> 00:02:55,999
out of the
lost-and-found box.
77
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:57,083
Okay.
78
00:03:01,083 --> 00:03:03,067
- Good choice.
- Thank you for the opportunity.
79
00:03:03,068 --> 00:03:05,067
Um, it's been an
honor working here.
80
00:03:06,083 --> 00:03:09,024
The dictionary
defines "teacher" as...
81
00:03:09,025 --> 00:03:11,062
Okay, you can take another one.
82
00:03:16,088 --> 00:03:18,036
No, you can't
share a bowl of cereal.
83
00:03:18,037 --> 00:03:19,067
Why not?
84
00:03:19,068 --> 00:03:21,095
The cast is off, gentlemen.
85
00:03:21,096 --> 00:03:24,058
- Great. Congratulations, man.
- Good news, man.
86
00:03:24,061 --> 00:03:27,017
Oh! - Oh!
Yeah, take it in.
87
00:03:27,018 --> 00:03:29,008
- Goodness, the smell, man.
- We have done nothing but love you, Schmidt.
88
00:03:29,011 --> 00:03:32,003
Soak it all in,
in all its foul glory.
89
00:03:32,004 --> 00:03:33,065
That is not just some
90
00:03:33,066 --> 00:03:35,050
disgusting, salty
bundle of gauze.
91
00:03:35,051 --> 00:03:38,061
That is a symbol of who I was
for the past two months:
92
00:03:38,062 --> 00:03:40,016
The broken-penis guy.
93
00:03:40,017 --> 00:03:42,040
But if there's anything
that majoring in marketing
94
00:03:42,041 --> 00:03:45,007
with a minor in theater studies
has taught me,
95
00:03:45,008 --> 00:03:46,079
it's that everybody has a brand.
96
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,066
Nick, your brand
is gypsy alcoholic handyman.
97
00:03:49,067 --> 00:03:50,070
Winston,
98
00:03:50,071 --> 00:03:52,037
your brand is Winston.
99
00:03:53,071 --> 00:03:55,037
Nicholas, Winstoniel,
100
00:03:55,038 --> 00:03:58,053
I'm staging an event to
relaunch the Schmidt brand.
101
00:03:58,054 --> 00:04:00,038
It's going to happen
this Saturday night,
102
00:04:00,039 --> 00:04:02,082
and it is going to be epic.
103
00:04:02,083 --> 00:04:03,998
You're having a party
to tell girls
104
00:04:03,999 --> 00:04:05,029
you're ready to have sex again?
105
00:04:05,030 --> 00:04:09,024
Not a party;
A rebranding event.
106
00:04:09,025 --> 00:04:10,086
Please tell me
there's not a theme.
107
00:04:10,087 --> 00:04:12,073
There most certainly is
a theme-- it is a secret
108
00:04:12,074 --> 00:04:14,067
- that will be announced on the night.
- I bet it's danger.
109
00:04:14,068 --> 00:04:16,050
No, you're... you're wrong.
It's not danger.
110
00:04:16,051 --> 00:04:18,067
- It'll be announced on the night.
- I really think
111
00:04:18,070 --> 00:04:20,042
- It's going to be danger.
- I'm going to go with danger.
112
00:04:20,043 --> 00:04:22,010
Come on, man, it's not danger.
Stop guessing danger.
113
00:04:22,011 --> 00:04:23,090
Who'd you invite?
114
00:04:23,091 --> 00:04:25,048
The ladies from Lululemon,
my urologist,
115
00:04:25,049 --> 00:04:27,004
my badminton partner,
my financial planner,
116
00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:29,011
Philip Seymour Hoffman
and a guy who once wrote
117
00:04:29,012 --> 00:04:31,020
for a little show
called Crank Yankers.
118
00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:32,081
And obviously Cece.
119
00:04:32,082 --> 00:04:34,075
She hasn't spoken
to you all summer--
120
00:04:34,076 --> 00:04:36,061
since you broke up with her.
121
00:04:36,062 --> 00:04:37,086
Yeah, I'm over it.
122
00:04:37,087 --> 00:04:39,062
It's not about her.
I hope she comes.
123
00:04:39,063 --> 00:04:41,062
Now, let's talk venue.
124
00:04:43,017 --> 00:04:44,999
Jess, oh, my God.
125
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,041
Are you okay?
126
00:04:46,042 --> 00:04:48,017
How long have you
been sitting here?
127
00:04:49,088 --> 00:04:52,091
I panicked,
and I grabbed the hat.
128
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:56,003
I should have grabbed the yo-yo
or the slap bracelet,
129
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:59,087
and now all I have
is this stupid hat.
130
00:04:59,088 --> 00:05:02,012
- I'm sorry.
- No, you're right.
131
00:05:02,015 --> 00:05:04,046
I'm overthinking it.
The hat's fine.
132
00:05:06,017 --> 00:05:07,075
You take me home?
133
00:05:07,076 --> 00:05:09,007
Yeah, of course.
134
00:05:09,008 --> 00:05:10,052
I-I can't go
upstairs, though,
135
00:05:10,053 --> 00:05:12,012
'cause of the whole
Schmidt thing.
136
00:05:12,013 --> 00:05:14,028
It's going to be
okay, all right?
137
00:05:14,029 --> 00:05:16,044
I mean, this is the moment
before something amazing
138
00:05:16,045 --> 00:05:18,029
is going to happen
for you. I promise.
139
00:05:18,030 --> 00:05:19,058
Put these on.
140
00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:23,007
Is this making you feel better?
141
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:29,050
I've decided to host my
142
00:05:29,051 --> 00:05:31,071
- relaunch event at Nick's bar.
- No.
143
00:05:31,072 --> 00:05:33,065
And you, my friend,
are bartending.
144
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:35,079
Don't make me work for you.
You can have everything else.
145
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,024
Come on, man.
You're perfect.
146
00:05:37,025 --> 00:05:38,060
You bring the heat,
but you're not
147
00:05:38,061 --> 00:05:39,067
a threat in the
looks department.
148
00:05:39,068 --> 00:05:41,050
- I get that, actually.
- And only you
149
00:05:41,051 --> 00:05:42,092
Can make those fruity
drinks that used to make
150
00:05:42,093 --> 00:05:45,066
the girls lose their
minds in college.
151
00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:47,088
Fine, I'll do it,
but I'm not making those drinks.
152
00:05:47,089 --> 00:05:50,024
Oh, come on, Nick.
You have a gift.
153
00:05:50,025 --> 00:05:52,067
Why you always trying to hide
your light under a bushel?
154
00:05:52,068 --> 00:05:55,087
Because, sure, I could get
a girl topless, no bra,
155
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:57,053
with one hollowed-out papaya,
156
00:05:57,054 --> 00:05:59,087
some crushed ice
and two fingers of rum,
157
00:05:59,088 --> 00:06:01,066
but then I grew up.
158
00:06:01,067 --> 00:06:04,066
Now I only want to make a drink
that a coal miner would want.
159
00:06:04,067 --> 00:06:07,032
Straightforward, honest.
160
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:10,011
Something that says,
"I work in a hole."
161
00:06:10,012 --> 00:06:11,092
And I'm especially not making
those drinks for you.
162
00:06:11,093 --> 00:06:13,067
- What? Why?
- 'Cause you can't handle it.
163
00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:14,090
You drink them way too fast,
and then you get weird.
164
00:06:14,091 --> 00:06:16,073
Oh, come on. That was,
like, years ago, dude.
165
00:06:16,074 --> 00:06:18,027
I'm a changed man.
I mean, look at me.
166
00:06:18,028 --> 00:06:19,075
- I'm wearing a suit.
- A suit? Please.
167
00:06:19,076 --> 00:06:21,044
That's something they
put on Morgan Freeman
168
00:06:21,045 --> 00:06:23,073
when they let him out of
Shawshank. Look at that.
169
00:06:23,074 --> 00:06:25,002
What, did a magician
die in that thing?
170
00:06:28,017 --> 00:06:29,074
Hi.
171
00:06:29,075 --> 00:06:31,028
I got laid off.
172
00:06:31,029 --> 00:06:33,004
- What? Are you serious?
- Oh, my God.
173
00:06:33,007 --> 00:06:34,092
- What happened?
- Obama.
174
00:06:34,095 --> 00:06:37,028
It's possible
I'm still in shock.
175
00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:41,091
I'm going to go to my room
and process what just happened.
176
00:06:41,092 --> 00:06:44,062
Thank you for your attention.
177
00:06:46,033 --> 00:06:48,045
Ah, this is not good.
Now she's going to cry.
178
00:06:48,046 --> 00:06:49,060
I hate it when she cries.
179
00:06:49,061 --> 00:06:50,092
Her face gets all red and puffy.
180
00:06:50,093 --> 00:06:52,075
- Makes me sick.
- Okay, we got to
181
00:06:52,076 --> 00:06:53,088
Fix this right now, guys.
182
00:06:53,089 --> 00:06:55,074
Let's go.
We got to do something.
183
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,092
- Okay. Here's how this is going to go.
- Hi.
184
00:07:02,095 --> 00:07:04,049
You will not pity me.
185
00:07:04,050 --> 00:07:07,007
No pity eyes.
Schmidt, stop looking at me
186
00:07:07,008 --> 00:07:08,062
like I'm a fat kid
riding a bike.
187
00:07:08,063 --> 00:07:11,074
It's just a job.
I'll get a new one.
188
00:07:11,075 --> 00:07:13,999
You're going to get so many
jobs, Jess. I promise.
189
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,058
So I just want you to go
about your day and act normal.
190
00:07:16,059 --> 00:07:19,049
Okay?
191
00:07:19,050 --> 00:07:20,054
What's wrong
with your eyes, Nick?
192
00:07:22,071 --> 00:07:24,050
Stop blinking.
Why are you doing that?
193
00:07:24,051 --> 00:07:27,011
I just think they fired
the wrong girl, kid.
194
00:07:27,012 --> 00:07:29,012
Oh, for sure.
195
00:07:30,017 --> 00:07:31,053
Stop. Nick!
196
00:07:31,054 --> 00:07:33,016
What's up?
197
00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:34,088
- What's wrong with you?
- You wiggin'?
198
00:07:34,091 --> 00:07:36,083
- Act normal, okay?
- If that's what you want.
199
00:07:36,086 --> 00:07:39,008
- That is what I want.
- That's what you'll get.
200
00:07:39,009 --> 00:07:40,052
Where you going, Schmidt?
201
00:07:40,053 --> 00:07:41,062
Sorry. This way.
202
00:07:41,063 --> 00:07:43,017
Bye.
203
00:07:48,567 --> 00:07:49,732
Hey, hey.
204
00:07:49,733 --> 00:07:50,761
Hey.
205
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:52,550
- How you doing, kid?
- Great.
206
00:07:52,551 --> 00:07:54,229
My boobs are loving
this unemployed thing.
207
00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:56,287
They don't have to go
to boob jail every day.
208
00:07:57,288 --> 00:07:59,266
Job hunt is on.
209
00:07:59,267 --> 00:08:03,270
This hospital Web site
says I can earn up to $700,
210
00:08:03,271 --> 00:08:06,257
and all I have to do is be
infected with dengue fever.
211
00:08:06,258 --> 00:08:08,287
Are you sure you're okay?
212
00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:09,302
For the thousandth time, yes.
213
00:08:09,303 --> 00:08:11,265
I know you've been
waiting all week
214
00:08:11,266 --> 00:08:12,325
for me to break down,
but I'm fine.
215
00:08:12,326 --> 00:08:14,299
Just be normal.
216
00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:15,342
- I'm being normal.
- You're crossing your legs.
217
00:08:15,345 --> 00:08:17,307
I always do this.
218
00:08:17,308 --> 00:08:19,306
You've never crossed your legs
in your entire life.
219
00:08:19,307 --> 00:08:21,292
I didn't even know
you were that flexible.
220
00:08:21,293 --> 00:08:23,329
- Well...
- And stop being nice to me.
221
00:08:23,332 --> 00:08:26,266
What, I'm not normally
nice to you, Jess?
222
00:08:26,267 --> 00:08:29,257
No. You're mean,
like a crazy old man.
223
00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:32,257
"I'm Nick. I hate sunshine.
224
00:08:32,258 --> 00:08:34,303
"When did gum get so fancy?
225
00:08:34,304 --> 00:08:37,303
This escalator
goes too fast."
226
00:08:37,304 --> 00:08:39,270
Be mean.
227
00:08:39,271 --> 00:08:42,249
Look sharp, you dumb-ass.
228
00:08:42,250 --> 00:08:43,346
Sorry. That... that was in
my head a little.
229
00:08:43,347 --> 00:08:46,299
Look sharp, you dumb-ass.
230
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:48,312
- No. Tighten up!
- That's terrible.
231
00:08:48,313 --> 00:08:50,281
I don't have it today.
I don't know what it is.
232
00:08:50,282 --> 00:08:51,302
Can you believe that the zoo
233
00:08:51,303 --> 00:08:53,260
wouldn't let me borrow
their white tiger?
234
00:08:53,261 --> 00:08:54,315
I mean, the nerve.
235
00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:56,331
I'm going to be sitting
in the back of the party,
236
00:08:56,332 --> 00:08:58,294
and Philip Seymour Hoffman's
going to be like,
237
00:08:58,295 --> 00:09:00,304
"Look at that idiot who
couldn't even get a big cat."
238
00:09:00,305 --> 00:09:02,332
Schmidt, you need a tiger.
239
00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:04,303
I need a job.
240
00:09:05,304 --> 00:09:06,266
Hire me.
241
00:09:06,267 --> 00:09:07,296
- No.
- Here...
242
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:08,342
- No, I'm not going to...
- Schmidt!
243
00:09:08,345 --> 00:09:11,250
- What are you...?
- Hire me. I am a people person.
244
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:12,296
I'm great at parties.
245
00:09:12,297 --> 00:09:14,296
I can make any kind
of balloon animal,
246
00:09:14,297 --> 00:09:17,270
as long as it's a worm
or a snake...
247
00:09:17,271 --> 00:09:19,304
- No, Jess.
- Come on.
248
00:09:19,307 --> 00:09:22,274
Help a brother out.
249
00:09:22,275 --> 00:09:24,260
Jess, you just got
laid off, okay?
250
00:09:24,261 --> 00:09:26,292
I can't have an emotionally
vulnerable person on my crew.
251
00:09:26,293 --> 00:09:29,287
Tonight is about one man's
functioning penis.
252
00:09:29,288 --> 00:09:30,306
I wouldn't say functioning.
253
00:09:30,307 --> 00:09:31,342
I saw what you did
to the toilet seat.
254
00:09:31,343 --> 00:09:34,299
And I'm not unstable.
I just need a job.
255
00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:36,256
Okay, fine.
You know what, Jess? Fine.
256
00:09:36,257 --> 00:09:37,329
You can be my other shot girl.
257
00:09:37,330 --> 00:09:40,267
- Yes!
- A shot girl? No, you can't be a shot girl.
258
00:09:40,270 --> 00:09:41,299
Why not?
259
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:42,319
Because you don't have
260
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,300
that specific hotness
that shames men
261
00:09:44,301 --> 00:09:46,303
into spending nine dollars
on a two-dollar shot.
262
00:09:46,304 --> 00:09:48,342
- She doesn't have it.
- Are you saying I'm not hot?
263
00:09:48,345 --> 00:09:51,341
No, no, no, I'm not...
No, no, you're hot, you're hot.
264
00:09:51,342 --> 00:09:54,262
- Nick!
- I'm saying you're the nurse
265
00:09:54,265 --> 00:09:57,261
That I want to wake up to
after having my stomach pumped.
266
00:09:57,262 --> 00:09:58,310
You know what I mean?
267
00:09:58,311 --> 00:10:00,304
Its a different kind of hot--
still hot.
268
00:10:00,305 --> 00:10:02,304
I'm going to be
a great shot girl, Nick.
269
00:10:02,305 --> 00:10:04,316
I pour liquids into cups
every single day.
270
00:10:04,317 --> 00:10:07,282
Add on top of that two years
of light tap and jazz.
271
00:10:07,283 --> 00:10:09,288
Please, I feel... I feel you
overthinking this already.
272
00:10:09,289 --> 00:10:11,295
I'm going to be the best
shot girl in the world.
273
00:10:11,296 --> 00:10:12,333
- Cheers!
- Cheers.
274
00:10:12,336 --> 00:10:14,258
Getting my costume.
275
00:10:16,321 --> 00:10:18,337
Hiya, big boy.
276
00:10:18,338 --> 00:10:20,303
What's your poison?
277
00:10:20,304 --> 00:10:22,312
- Oh...
- What?
278
00:10:22,315 --> 00:10:25,291
Yeah, interesting choices.
279
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,296
It's a great hat.
Can I have it?
280
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:30,340
Let's get rid of that.
281
00:10:30,341 --> 00:10:32,338
I've decided that
tonight my name is Ivy,
282
00:10:32,339 --> 00:10:35,257
and I'm studying
to be an actress,
283
00:10:35,258 --> 00:10:37,257
and I'll sleep with you
if you give me a part
284
00:10:37,258 --> 00:10:38,804
- in a Paramount picture.
- Do you have another
285
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:41,274
Outfit in your car, or are you
going to stick with this one?
286
00:10:41,275 --> 00:10:42,304
Hey, young man, why
weren't you drafted?
287
00:10:42,305 --> 00:10:45,304
- You like someone?
- Good stuff.
288
00:10:45,305 --> 00:10:47,283
Schmidt! Just the guy
I was looking for.
289
00:10:47,284 --> 00:10:50,258
- So the theme of the party is...
- Is danger.
290
00:10:50,259 --> 00:10:51,342
That's right, but it's
on a level that you
291
00:10:51,343 --> 00:10:54,279
- couldn't possibly understand, Nick.
- Okay.
292
00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:56,262
Just, where... where
is the other shot girl?
293
00:10:56,263 --> 00:10:58,271
- I don't know, boss.
- Here I am.
294
00:10:58,274 --> 00:11:00,324
Casey. Thank you for
joining us. Great.
295
00:11:00,325 --> 00:11:01,346
Here's where it's at.
296
00:11:01,347 --> 00:11:03,287
I don't work with amateurs.
297
00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:04,302
I don't split tips.
298
00:11:04,303 --> 00:11:06,281
Things get a little freaky
in here, I'm out the door
299
00:11:06,282 --> 00:11:08,281
because I'm a little diabetic
and I don't need a hassle.
300
00:11:08,282 --> 00:11:10,321
And also, I do accept payment
in the form of whippets
301
00:11:10,322 --> 00:11:12,261
because I've got a PhD;
302
00:11:12,262 --> 00:11:15,292
- a Pretty Heavy Drug Problem.
- Oh.
303
00:11:15,293 --> 00:11:16,296
How old are you?
304
00:11:16,297 --> 00:11:18,308
Twenty-six.
305
00:11:21,342 --> 00:11:22,900
Thank you for your honesty.
306
00:11:27,271 --> 00:11:29,282
Yeah! Who's up?
307
00:11:29,283 --> 00:11:32,257
Okay, you jerk, come here.
Stupid jerk.
308
00:11:33,339 --> 00:11:36,295
Who wants a shot of firewater?
309
00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:39,317
Anybody want me to wet
their whistle?
310
00:11:41,312 --> 00:11:42,295
Hey, Schmidt.
311
00:11:43,296 --> 00:11:45,325
It's working, Nick. Look at all
these beautiful ladies.
312
00:11:45,826 --> 00:11:47,761
And this is just
the beginning, man.
313
00:11:47,762 --> 00:11:48,833
I can take this to the next
level whenever I want.
314
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,774
You know why? 'Cause I got
something up my sleeve.
315
00:11:51,775 --> 00:11:53,841
Schmidt, please,
nothing up your sleeve.
316
00:11:53,842 --> 00:11:56,767
It never works!
317
00:12:09,804 --> 00:12:13,767
Remain in your seat and finish
the exam, Mr. Schmidt.
318
00:12:15,767 --> 00:12:17,778
You know,
in Student Health Services,
319
00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:19,771
they still call that
"Schmidting the bed."
320
00:12:19,772 --> 00:12:21,749
Why are you proud of that?
321
00:12:21,750 --> 00:12:22,765
What the hell is this?
322
00:12:22,766 --> 00:12:23,783
Come on, Schmidt,
you know I don't
323
00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:25,829
- make girly drinks any more.
- I didn't buy that stuff.
324
00:12:25,830 --> 00:12:27,788
You didn't buy this?
Then who did?
325
00:12:30,771 --> 00:12:31,783
What's my name?
326
00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:32,837
Casey!
327
00:12:32,838 --> 00:12:34,803
You're all a bunch of jerks.
328
00:12:34,804 --> 00:12:38,782
Yes! My penis is working!
329
00:12:38,783 --> 00:12:40,783
Casey!
330
00:12:45,792 --> 00:12:47,779
Hey. - Hey.
Hey-hey!
331
00:12:47,782 --> 00:12:48,808
Cece.
332
00:12:49,846 --> 00:12:52,845
I had to check out the new
and improved Schmidt.
333
00:12:52,846 --> 00:12:54,842
Been hearing
so much about it, so...
334
00:12:54,843 --> 00:12:56,749
I'm really glad that you came.
335
00:12:56,750 --> 00:12:57,838
Look, I wanted to tell you...
336
00:12:57,839 --> 00:13:00,841
I want you to meet Robby,
my, uh, my boyfriend.
337
00:13:00,842 --> 00:13:01,812
Your what?
338
00:13:02,813 --> 00:13:04,753
There he is.
339
00:13:04,754 --> 00:13:06,770
The one shaped
like a Liberty Bell?
340
00:13:06,771 --> 00:13:09,767
It's a great party.
Thank you for inviting us.
341
00:13:13,829 --> 00:13:15,829
- Flip it, man, flip it!
- I'm flipping it!
342
00:13:17,832 --> 00:13:18,782
Did you guys see
343
00:13:18,783 --> 00:13:20,775
Cece's new boyfriend,
the commoner?
344
00:13:22,771 --> 00:13:25,787
Oh, wow, Schmidty,
you really lowered Cece's bar.
345
00:13:25,788 --> 00:13:26,833
There's got to be an explanation
for this,
346
00:13:26,834 --> 00:13:28,782
like he's the Lord of Winterfell
347
00:13:28,783 --> 00:13:30,767
or he's working with
a real piece of pipe.
348
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:33,791
Schmidt? Schmidt, don't get
hung up on that guy.
349
00:13:33,792 --> 00:13:35,803
And here comes the weirdness.
350
00:13:35,804 --> 00:13:37,846
Not weird, just a guy
who really wants a drink.
351
00:13:38,846 --> 00:13:42,803
Mm-mmm! Mmm...
352
00:13:42,804 --> 00:13:44,757
Mmm!
353
00:13:44,758 --> 00:13:45,788
It's like an explosion
of fruit!
354
00:13:45,789 --> 00:13:46,795
There it is.
355
00:13:46,796 --> 00:13:48,757
Look at me being so naughty!
356
00:13:49,817 --> 00:13:51,842
So naughty.
357
00:13:57,788 --> 00:13:59,783
- Hey.
- I'm Schmidt.
358
00:13:59,786 --> 00:14:02,828
I, too, was a sexual
partner of Cece.
359
00:14:02,829 --> 00:14:04,825
- Welcome to the party.
- Thank you for having me.
360
00:14:04,826 --> 00:14:05,838
Let me just tell you
361
00:14:05,839 --> 00:14:07,770
this is a very
impressive party.
362
00:14:07,771 --> 00:14:09,748
There's speakers everywhere.
There's one over there.
363
00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:10,810
I saw two on the back wall.
364
00:14:10,811 --> 00:14:12,846
Oh, there's one right there.
Didn't see that one before.
365
00:14:12,847 --> 00:14:15,804
- Yeah, there's a lot of speakers. Lot of...
- Lots of speakers. Yeah.
366
00:14:15,807 --> 00:14:17,749
So, so what's your deal?
367
00:14:17,750 --> 00:14:19,787
I mean, do you vacation
in Europe ever?
368
00:14:19,788 --> 00:14:20,846
No. You know, I've never left
369
00:14:20,847 --> 00:14:23,825
- California in my life.
- You in a band?
370
00:14:23,828 --> 00:14:26,828
I don't, I don't like music.
What's up with me, you know?
371
00:14:26,829 --> 00:14:29,775
- You work for Goldman then?
- For who?
372
00:14:29,778 --> 00:14:31,824
This feels good.
I'm gonna go.
373
00:14:31,825 --> 00:14:34,825
Congratulations
on your penis, man.
374
00:14:35,821 --> 00:14:37,770
What's your name?
375
00:14:37,771 --> 00:14:40,749
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God. Oh!
376
00:14:40,750 --> 00:14:41,762
Could I get a broom?!
377
00:14:42,775 --> 00:14:43,825
Look at my butt.
378
00:14:43,826 --> 00:14:45,846
Look at my butt, stupid jerks.
379
00:14:54,783 --> 00:14:55,820
Hey, Jess.
380
00:14:55,821 --> 00:14:57,761
Nick, I'm fine.
381
00:14:57,762 --> 00:14:59,766
I don't need you to be nice
to me right now.
382
00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:02,837
Okay. You want me to be mean?
383
00:15:02,838 --> 00:15:04,812
- Yes.
- I'll give you mean, Jess.
384
00:15:04,815 --> 00:15:07,774
This is the easiest job
in the whole world!
385
00:15:07,775 --> 00:15:09,787
The only thing easier than this
386
00:15:09,788 --> 00:15:11,845
is passing out cigarettes
to prisoners.
387
00:15:11,846 --> 00:15:15,766
And what if I wanted to
take a body shot off you?
388
00:15:16,767 --> 00:15:20,749
Oh, yeah! I can't
because you're wearing
389
00:15:20,750 --> 00:15:22,774
a turn-of-the-century
bathing costume.
390
00:15:22,775 --> 00:15:25,749
How's this? Are you getting mad
or are you happy with this?
391
00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:26,762
It's good.
That's really good.
392
00:15:26,763 --> 00:15:28,816
So stop feeling sorry
for yourself, kid,
393
00:15:28,817 --> 00:15:32,778
and get up on that bar and
shake that piece of plywood
394
00:15:32,779 --> 00:15:34,754
- that you call an ass!
- That's too far!
395
00:15:34,757 --> 00:15:37,779
- Yeah, yeah, I agree. You got a great ass.
- That is too far!
396
00:15:37,780 --> 00:15:38,808
That is too far.
397
00:15:38,809 --> 00:15:41,771
This is so fun!
398
00:15:45,825 --> 00:15:48,770
♪ Sexy girl
all around the world ♪
399
00:15:48,771 --> 00:15:50,766
No hat. No hat!
400
00:15:50,767 --> 00:15:52,804
♪ Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work ♪
401
00:15:52,805 --> 00:15:56,799
♪ Sexy girl all around
the world ♪
402
00:15:56,800 --> 00:16:00,766
♪ Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work ♪
403
00:16:00,767 --> 00:16:04,758
- ♪ Sexy girl all around the world ♪
- Yeah!
404
00:16:04,761 --> 00:16:07,811
♪ Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work ♪
405
00:16:07,812 --> 00:16:12,749
♪ Sexy girl all around
the world ♪
406
00:16:12,750 --> 00:16:15,774
♪ Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work ♪
407
00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:17,758
You know, this Robby guy's
got nothing on me.
408
00:16:17,759 --> 00:16:18,829
- Right.
- I think I can get Cece back.
409
00:16:18,832 --> 00:16:20,753
Seriously, just let it go.
410
00:16:20,754 --> 00:16:23,774
I just need to remind her
how amazing I am.
411
00:16:23,775 --> 00:16:26,770
Luckily, I've got something
up my sleeve.
412
00:16:26,771 --> 00:16:27,792
Schmidt, no, no!
Schmidt, don't!
413
00:16:27,793 --> 00:16:29,771
Schmidt, no sleeves, please!
414
00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:32,812
Shot girl, shot girl!
415
00:16:32,813 --> 00:16:36,770
Shot girl, shot girl,
shot girl, shot girl!
416
00:16:36,771 --> 00:16:38,811
Shot girl, shot girl, shot girl,
shot girl!
417
00:16:38,812 --> 00:16:40,811
Shot girl!
Shot girl!
418
00:16:42,808 --> 00:16:44,770
Shot girl!
419
00:16:46,754 --> 00:16:48,837
I'm a shot girl.
420
00:16:51,804 --> 00:16:53,767
Oh.
421
00:16:54,750 --> 00:16:56,804
I'm a shot girl.
422
00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:03,816
Hey, J-Jess, Jess.
423
00:17:03,817 --> 00:17:04,846
Jess, where are you going?
424
00:17:04,847 --> 00:17:07,807
What am I doing, Nick?
I'm a teacher.
425
00:17:07,808 --> 00:17:09,808
I'm not a shot girl.
426
00:17:19,775 --> 00:17:22,749
Fire...
427
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:26,758
the most dangerous element
of all of the elements.
428
00:17:27,750 --> 00:17:28,842
Now I'm doing this.
429
00:17:28,843 --> 00:17:31,749
Okay, let's see here.
430
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:34,749
And then now I'm doing this.
431
00:17:34,750 --> 00:17:36,795
Sure. And now I'm not sure
what I'm doing.
432
00:17:36,796 --> 00:17:39,770
I'm not actually quite sure
how to stop this.
433
00:17:39,771 --> 00:17:41,811
Um, this is definitely
real fire.
434
00:17:41,812 --> 00:17:44,753
I'm very apologetic.
I think everyone should leave.
435
00:17:44,754 --> 00:17:45,842
Um, thank you very much
for coming.
436
00:17:45,843 --> 00:17:47,791
There's party favors
at the door.
437
00:17:47,792 --> 00:17:50,749
I'd like to thank my urologist
for coming.
438
00:17:54,783 --> 00:17:56,756
Oh, wait. No, no, no,
everybody, look.
439
00:17:56,757 --> 00:17:57,846
I'm okay.
I got it under control.
440
00:17:57,847 --> 00:18:00,771
Cece, watch this one.
441
00:18:02,833 --> 00:18:04,771
Hey, look, Cece. Fire!
442
00:18:14,762 --> 00:18:16,803
Where's Robby?
443
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:17,842
Pulling the car around.
444
00:18:17,843 --> 00:18:19,757
You really scared him.
445
00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:22,342
Why haven't you called me back
in two months, Cece?
446
00:18:22,843 --> 00:18:24,757
You are the one
who broke up with me.
447
00:18:24,758 --> 00:18:25,842
I don't see you
until you show up here tonight
448
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:27,837
with... with a boyfriend?
449
00:18:28,338 --> 00:18:31,337
And please, please tell me
he's on some sort of medication
450
00:18:31,338 --> 00:18:33,321
that's making him
temporarily bloated.
451
00:18:33,322 --> 00:18:35,253
Come on, okay?
452
00:18:35,254 --> 00:18:36,329
You and I both know
we never would have worked.
453
00:18:36,330 --> 00:18:38,275
We are far too alike.
454
00:18:40,271 --> 00:18:42,329
Both so beautiful.
455
00:18:48,321 --> 00:18:51,258
You're gonna be fine.
You know that, right?
456
00:18:53,338 --> 00:18:56,341
Hey, uh, Cece, I...
457
00:18:56,342 --> 00:19:00,249
I got to know, why him?
458
00:19:00,250 --> 00:19:02,337
I mean, what, what is his brand?
459
00:19:02,338 --> 00:19:04,295
He's just a good guy.
460
00:19:04,296 --> 00:19:06,341
And I'm...
461
00:19:06,342 --> 00:19:08,266
too dangerous?
462
00:19:08,267 --> 00:19:10,275
Yeah, that's it.
463
00:19:12,275 --> 00:19:13,337
I'll see you around, Schmidt.
464
00:19:13,338 --> 00:19:16,258
Yeah.
465
00:19:19,275 --> 00:19:20,316
Fun fact:
466
00:19:20,317 --> 00:19:23,311
There's a reason why guys
nickname me "T-Ball."
467
00:19:23,312 --> 00:19:25,261
When they step up to the plate,
468
00:19:25,262 --> 00:19:26,312
they never strike out.
469
00:19:26,313 --> 00:19:29,261
Honey, what happened to you
in your life
470
00:19:29,262 --> 00:19:30,302
that made you like this?
471
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:32,273
I graduated from MIT,
and then I got
472
00:19:32,274 --> 00:19:34,346
into a horrible accident
where I lost half my brain.
473
00:19:34,347 --> 00:19:36,333
There it is.
474
00:19:56,275 --> 00:19:58,249
I came back
to say good-bye.
475
00:19:58,250 --> 00:19:59,277
I figured that.
476
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:03,337
I was kidding myself.
477
00:20:03,838 --> 00:20:06,270
I love teaching.
478
00:20:06,271 --> 00:20:08,345
It's who I am.
479
00:20:09,346 --> 00:20:12,249
What if I
can't do anything else?
480
00:20:12,250 --> 00:20:14,249
Jess, come on.
I can't do anything,
481
00:20:14,250 --> 00:20:15,279
and look at me.
482
00:20:16,308 --> 00:20:19,270
I'm kind of fine, you know?
483
00:20:19,271 --> 00:20:24,287
It's just that being
a teacher was all
484
00:20:24,288 --> 00:20:26,328
I ever, ever wanted to do.
485
00:20:26,329 --> 00:20:29,337
It just,
it just sucks, you know?
486
00:20:29,338 --> 00:20:32,291
Yeah, life sucks!
487
00:20:34,258 --> 00:20:36,317
And then it gets better,
and then it sucks again.
488
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:37,324
Yeah.
489
00:20:37,325 --> 00:20:39,249
And then, and then it just...
490
00:20:39,250 --> 00:20:40,292
- Sucks.
- ...sucks.
491
00:20:42,329 --> 00:20:46,249
Nick.
492
00:20:46,250 --> 00:20:48,311
What?
493
00:20:48,312 --> 00:20:50,308
Will you be mean to
me one more time?
494
00:20:53,325 --> 00:20:54,828
Look sharp,
you dumb-ass!
495
00:20:54,829 --> 00:20:56,261
You look sharp!
496
00:20:56,262 --> 00:20:57,317
You're a terrible shot girl!
497
00:20:59,250 --> 00:21:01,278
You got hoof hands
and a plywood ass, kid!
498
00:21:01,279 --> 00:21:03,345
You call that a shot girl
outfit, you dumb-ass?
499
00:21:03,346 --> 00:21:06,261
I got mixed up-- I thought
it was a cigarette girl.
500
00:21:09,262 --> 00:21:11,278
That is what happened.
501
00:21:11,279 --> 00:21:15,274
You look like a cigarette girl.
502
00:21:15,275 --> 00:21:18,324
♪ The chills that you spill
out my back keep me fill ♪
503
00:21:18,325 --> 00:21:20,332
♪ With satisfaction
when we're done ♪
504
00:21:20,333 --> 00:21:22,317
♪ Satisfaction
of what's to come ♪
505
00:21:22,318 --> 00:21:26,332
♪ I wouldn't dance for another ♪
506
00:21:27,333 --> 00:21:30,337
♪ I wouldn't dance
for another! ♪
507
00:21:31,338 --> 00:21:35,338
♪ Groove is in the house. ♪
Danger!
508
00:21:35,838 --> 00:21:40,338
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com