1
00:00:00,963 --> 00:00:02,997
To my dear friends,
Melissa and Sadie.
2
00:00:03,065 --> 00:00:04,465
- Aw.
- Five years together.
3
00:00:04,533 --> 00:00:05,833
- That is awesome.
- Hear, hear.
4
00:00:05,901 --> 00:00:07,368
- What is your secret?
- I don't really think there is
5
00:00:07,436 --> 00:00:09,170
a secret. I think
it's just about...
6
00:00:09,737 --> 00:00:11,472
love, understanding, and...
7
00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:13,173
two sets of boobs.
8
00:00:13,540 --> 00:00:15,208
I love boobs.
I love 'em.
9
00:00:16,006 --> 00:00:18,912
- I love... - Okay
- ...everything about 'em. - Yeah, I do, too.
10
00:00:18,980 --> 00:00:20,346
All different kinds.
(Blubbering)
11
00:00:20,414 --> 00:00:21,982
(Blubbering)
Yeah, that's my thing too.
12
00:00:22,050 --> 00:00:23,516
I love them.
13
00:00:23,585 --> 00:00:25,886
SCHMIDT:
And the Curiosity Rover has touched down
14
00:00:25,954 --> 00:00:27,454
- on the planet of Mars.
SADIE: What's happening right now?
15
00:00:27,521 --> 00:00:28,220
What's happening
in there?
16
00:00:28,288 --> 00:00:29,188
Schmidt's in there
17
00:00:29,255 --> 00:00:30,590
with his boss.
18
00:00:31,157 --> 00:00:32,124
He's entertaining her.
19
00:00:32,192 --> 00:00:33,292
Ew.
20
00:00:33,359 --> 00:00:34,727
I don't care what he does.
21
00:00:34,795 --> 00:00:37,229
I just don't understand
why he has to narrate it!
22
00:00:37,297 --> 00:00:38,430
SCHMIDT:
Robot arm engaged!
23
00:00:38,748 --> 00:00:40,349
It's just engaged now?
24
00:00:40,416 --> 00:00:42,484
So he's saying
everything up to this point
25
00:00:42,552 --> 00:00:44,085
has been foreplay?
26
00:00:44,153 --> 00:00:45,220
Are you kidding me?
That's ridiculous.
27
00:00:45,287 --> 00:00:46,387
What are you gonna do
for 20 minutes
28
00:00:46,455 --> 00:00:47,388
of foreplay?
29
00:00:47,456 --> 00:00:49,557
Boring! Yawn!
30
00:00:52,294 --> 00:00:53,995
Am I right, ladies?
31
00:00:54,063 --> 00:00:55,763
So, I actually know
what's about to happen next.
32
00:00:55,831 --> 00:00:57,999
- You will all want to cover your ears.
SCHMIDT: I found water!
33
00:00:58,067 --> 00:01:00,433
- No, I didn't do it in time.
- Oh, he found...
34
00:01:00,501 --> 00:01:02,102
Has anybody seen a movie
in the last five months,
35
00:01:02,170 --> 00:01:05,605
and can you describe the plot
in great detail and loudly?
36
00:01:05,673 --> 00:01:08,108
- Okay, you're dry.
- Actually, I'm good. Thank you.
37
00:01:08,176 --> 00:01:10,177
Come on. I spent six dollars
on this wine.
38
00:01:10,245 --> 00:01:12,512
I've been looking for the right
time to tell you tonight,
39
00:01:12,580 --> 00:01:15,115
(Schmidt singing 2001: A Space Odyssey
theme) but Melissa and I are so excited
40
00:01:15,183 --> 00:01:16,916
because... Wow.
41
00:01:16,984 --> 00:01:18,751
That is so upsetting.
42
00:01:20,287 --> 00:01:22,221
What mission is this based on?!
43
00:01:22,289 --> 00:01:24,190
I'm pregnant!
We are pregnant!
44
00:01:24,258 --> 00:01:26,725
Wha...?
(Excited shouts)
45
00:01:30,330 --> 00:01:33,699
Lesbian baby.
Congratulations, you guys.
46
00:01:33,767 --> 00:01:35,901
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
47
00:01:35,968 --> 00:01:37,903
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
48
00:01:37,904 --> 00:01:42,240
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
49
00:01:42,741 --> 00:01:44,443
I feel so lucky,
you know?
50
00:01:44,511 --> 00:01:46,812
Like I really tucked this
one in just under the wire.
51
00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:48,313
What do you mean?
You're so young.
52
00:01:48,381 --> 00:01:50,281
As your friendly
neighborhood gynecologist,
53
00:01:50,348 --> 00:01:52,583
you should know that by
the time a lady hits 30,
54
00:01:52,651 --> 00:01:54,985
she loses about
90% of her eggs.
55
00:01:55,753 --> 00:01:56,788
- What?
CECE: No, th-that
56
00:01:56,855 --> 00:01:57,789
- can't be true.
- What?
57
00:01:57,856 --> 00:01:59,056
Did you know
that there's a test
58
00:01:59,124 --> 00:02:00,591
that you can take
that tells you how many beans
59
00:02:00,659 --> 00:02:02,092
- you got left in your bean sack?
- Ovaries.
60
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:03,494
It estimates
basically
61
00:02:03,562 --> 00:02:05,261
how many childbearing
years you have left.
62
00:02:05,329 --> 00:02:06,362
Yeah, get this baloney:
63
00:02:06,431 --> 00:02:08,698
I'm 32, but my eggs are 48,
64
00:02:08,766 --> 00:02:11,668
and my vagina is 97.
65
00:02:11,736 --> 00:02:12,769
- I am so uncomfortable.
- But it gets
66
00:02:12,837 --> 00:02:14,638
better with age-- it's like
67
00:02:14,705 --> 00:02:16,606
- the vagina Helen Mirren.
- Oh, boy.
68
00:02:16,674 --> 00:02:17,941
I've got big plans
for the centennial.
69
00:02:18,008 --> 00:02:19,375
JESS:
When can I take that test?
70
00:02:19,444 --> 00:02:20,176
CECE: Who cares?
71
00:02:20,244 --> 00:02:21,410
Personally, I'm still on
72
00:02:21,478 --> 00:02:23,078
the please-God-I-hope-
I'm-not-pregnant phase.
73
00:02:23,146 --> 00:02:24,447
- What am I doing here?
- You know, just
74
00:02:24,514 --> 00:02:25,915
clinically speaking,
it's probably
75
00:02:25,982 --> 00:02:27,483
- a good idea to know.
JESS: I want
76
00:02:27,551 --> 00:02:28,484
to take this test! Like, now.
77
00:02:28,552 --> 00:02:29,685
Can we take this test right now?
78
00:02:29,753 --> 00:02:30,419
WINSTON:
Morning, ladies.
79
00:02:30,487 --> 00:02:31,654
And Nick.
80
00:02:31,721 --> 00:02:32,788
- Morning?
- Well, I mean, I work
81
00:02:32,789 --> 00:02:33,923
nights now, so I'm
82
00:02:33,990 --> 00:02:35,491
on an adjusted
sleeping schedule.
83
00:02:35,559 --> 00:02:37,091
I just woke up,
here's my breakfast,
84
00:02:37,159 --> 00:02:38,860
I'm going to work.
85
00:02:38,928 --> 00:02:40,094
Take me with you! They're
talking about vaginas!
86
00:02:40,162 --> 00:02:41,329
I hate it! Take
me with you!
87
00:02:41,396 --> 00:02:42,229
(Laughing)
88
00:02:43,899 --> 00:02:46,434
Our bodies really
made something.
89
00:02:46,502 --> 00:02:48,536
I feel like we brought
manufacturing jobs
90
00:02:48,604 --> 00:02:50,037
- back to America.
- Yeah,
91
00:02:50,105 --> 00:02:51,205
it was fine.
92
00:02:51,273 --> 00:02:52,239
What do you mean "fine"?
93
00:02:52,307 --> 00:02:53,874
I broke your brain, girl.
94
00:02:53,942 --> 00:02:55,943
How do I put this delicately?
95
00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:57,177
I was...
96
00:02:57,244 --> 00:02:59,145
nowhere close to finishing.
97
00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:00,581
I was bored.
98
00:03:00,998 --> 00:03:02,248
And cold.
99
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:08,121
(Quietly):
That's cool. Uh...
100
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,055
No, yeah.
101
00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:11,457
(Chuckles)
102
00:03:12,225 --> 00:03:13,559
World shattered.
103
00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:15,962
We'll try again.
It'll be better.
104
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,063
The world I once lived in...
shattered.
105
00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:19,131
All right, see you at work.
106
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,001
See you at work.
107
00:03:22,068 --> 00:03:23,903
MAN: Put me on the air.
I got something to say
108
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:25,570
about Andrew Bynum's hair.
109
00:03:25,638 --> 00:03:27,606
All right, caller,
you're up next.
110
00:03:27,673 --> 00:03:29,908
Look at you, man. This is great.
111
00:03:29,976 --> 00:03:31,309
You're the king
of your own castle.
112
00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:33,144
(Chuckles)
113
00:03:33,212 --> 00:03:34,746
Look at this. What is this?
114
00:03:34,814 --> 00:03:37,115
Why do you need so many pens,
you big shot?
115
00:03:37,182 --> 00:03:38,783
I like what I do, man.
I finally feel like my life
116
00:03:38,851 --> 00:03:39,951
is moving
in the right direction.
117
00:03:40,019 --> 00:03:41,052
That is what I don't have
118
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,487
in my life.
119
00:03:43,254 --> 00:03:44,188
But not anymore.
120
00:03:45,624 --> 00:03:47,125
I'm gonna take
one of these pens,
121
00:03:47,192 --> 00:03:48,659
I'm gonna go home,
122
00:03:48,727 --> 00:03:50,228
and I'm gonna write
my zombie novel.
123
00:03:51,630 --> 00:03:53,031
You don't think
I can do it, do you?
124
00:03:53,098 --> 00:03:54,465
You know, it's not that.
It's just that sometimes
125
00:03:54,533 --> 00:03:55,900
I get the feeling that you...
126
00:03:55,967 --> 00:03:57,167
don't want to write.
127
00:04:01,039 --> 00:04:02,506
(Scoffs)
128
00:04:04,325 --> 00:04:06,225
No more excuses.
I'm gonna go home,
129
00:04:06,294 --> 00:04:07,894
and I'm gonna write that novel.
130
00:04:07,961 --> 00:04:09,095
And I'll be the
first to read it.
131
00:04:09,163 --> 00:04:10,830
- We got a deal, friend.
- Deal.
132
00:04:10,898 --> 00:04:12,565
MAN: Yeah, you still
have me on the line.
133
00:04:12,633 --> 00:04:14,466
My two cents? He's never gonna
write that book.
134
00:04:14,534 --> 00:04:17,068
- Why don't you shut up,
Manny from Cerritos?- Okay.
135
00:04:17,136 --> 00:04:18,604
- Who asked you?
Hang up the phone.- All right.
136
00:04:19,639 --> 00:04:20,639
We should go.
137
00:04:20,707 --> 00:04:21,940
Melissa's been drinking for two.
138
00:04:22,608 --> 00:04:23,309
Three.
139
00:04:23,376 --> 00:04:24,910
JESS:
Awesome night, ladies.
140
00:04:24,978 --> 00:04:26,645
- Educational. Thank you.
- Sorry. I'm just...
141
00:04:26,713 --> 00:04:28,247
- Okay. I'm sorry.
- What?
142
00:04:28,315 --> 00:04:30,181
Sadie, before you leave, can I
just ask you a few questions?
143
00:04:30,249 --> 00:04:31,316
I know where this is going.
144
00:04:31,383 --> 00:04:32,450
You are a gynecologist
145
00:04:32,518 --> 00:04:34,085
and a lesbian,
146
00:04:34,153 --> 00:04:35,153
which makes you...
147
00:04:35,221 --> 00:04:36,221
well, a va-genius.
148
00:04:36,288 --> 00:04:37,288
- Jar.
- I know
149
00:04:37,356 --> 00:04:38,889
my way around a Grizzly Adams.
150
00:04:38,957 --> 00:04:39,991
You, too? Jar.
151
00:04:40,058 --> 00:04:41,426
- Wh...
- As an adult male,
152
00:04:41,494 --> 00:04:42,860
I would like to ask you a few
153
00:04:42,928 --> 00:04:44,195
questions about,
you know,
154
00:04:44,263 --> 00:04:45,662
the downstairs girl cookie.
155
00:04:45,730 --> 00:04:47,131
Jars, jars, all around jars!
156
00:04:47,198 --> 00:04:49,199
This is my personal time
right now.
157
00:04:49,267 --> 00:04:50,267
You can make an appointment
at my office,
158
00:04:50,835 --> 00:04:52,802
pay your $40 co-pay.
159
00:04:52,870 --> 00:04:54,671
I will be happy
to answer your questions.
160
00:04:54,739 --> 00:04:56,173
Yes! I'm in. Please.
161
00:04:56,241 --> 00:04:58,742
Now, would I have to put
my legs up in the stirrups?
162
00:04:58,809 --> 00:05:00,477
- Why would you?
- I'm asking more so out of curiosity
163
00:05:00,545 --> 00:05:02,679
- than fear. #excitement.
- Are you done?
164
00:05:02,747 --> 00:05:04,514
I'm done. I'll see you, okay?
165
00:05:04,581 --> 00:05:05,815
- I'm gonna call the office.
- Okay.
166
00:05:05,883 --> 00:05:07,917
Well, thank you, guys,
for the...
167
00:05:07,985 --> 00:05:09,686
awesome drunky
168
00:05:09,754 --> 00:05:11,420
- thing and the weirdly sobering end.
- Look,
169
00:05:11,488 --> 00:05:13,256
I know Sadie freaked you out
with all this talk about tests,
170
00:05:13,323 --> 00:05:14,524
but I just want
to remind you
171
00:05:14,591 --> 00:05:15,625
that at the end of the day,
172
00:05:15,693 --> 00:05:17,826
it's all about love.
173
00:05:17,894 --> 00:05:19,394
I mean, I love Sadie.
174
00:05:19,962 --> 00:05:20,896
I want
175
00:05:20,964 --> 00:05:22,898
my babies to have
her beautiful face.
176
00:05:22,966 --> 00:05:25,233
As long as they don't get
her big, fat man-feet.
177
00:05:25,301 --> 00:05:27,536
Yuck. Fingers crossed
we go donor on that one.
178
00:05:27,603 --> 00:05:28,904
Okay.
179
00:05:28,972 --> 00:05:30,305
- Let's make a graceful exit, my love.
- Okay.
180
00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:31,473
Hey, get out of here,
181
00:05:31,541 --> 00:05:32,708
you crazy lesbos,
182
00:05:32,776 --> 00:05:33,908
with your baby-making!
183
00:05:33,976 --> 00:05:35,176
- Ooh!
- Whoo!
184
00:05:35,243 --> 00:05:36,744
Ah! I'm married;
I'm not dead!
185
00:05:36,812 --> 00:05:38,279
CECE: See you. Night.
186
00:05:40,115 --> 00:05:42,550
Drive safely.
187
00:05:42,617 --> 00:05:45,119
(Panting)
188
00:05:45,687 --> 00:05:47,388
90% of our eggs, huh?
189
00:05:47,955 --> 00:05:49,890
That's crazy. I'm panicking.
190
00:05:49,957 --> 00:05:50,891
You panicking?
191
00:05:50,958 --> 00:05:53,560
God, no. Babies
wreck you, Jess.
192
00:05:53,627 --> 00:05:55,595
They literally eat your body.
193
00:05:55,663 --> 00:05:57,630
I'm 30, I'm single,
194
00:05:57,699 --> 00:05:59,465
and I just started a new job.
195
00:05:59,533 --> 00:06:01,101
Tonight
196
00:06:01,169 --> 00:06:02,402
I used a bread roll
197
00:06:02,469 --> 00:06:03,770
to wipe butter off my face,
198
00:06:03,838 --> 00:06:05,738
and then I ate the bread roll,
199
00:06:05,806 --> 00:06:07,740
so I essentially used my face
200
00:06:07,808 --> 00:06:09,274
as a butter knife.
201
00:06:09,342 --> 00:06:10,642
I don't think
I'm ready
202
00:06:10,711 --> 00:06:12,411
to bring new life
into the world, but...
203
00:06:12,478 --> 00:06:14,747
what if all that's left
are the weird eggs?
204
00:06:14,815 --> 00:06:16,415
And the evil eggs?
205
00:06:16,482 --> 00:06:18,784
You have no evil eggs.
206
00:06:18,852 --> 00:06:20,485
I can feel them.
They're turning.
207
00:06:20,553 --> 00:06:21,520
They watched
their brothers
208
00:06:21,588 --> 00:06:22,721
and sisters die,
209
00:06:22,788 --> 00:06:24,589
and now they want to be birthed.
210
00:06:24,656 --> 00:06:26,191
I need to be fertilized.
211
00:06:27,927 --> 00:06:30,595
Fertilize me,
Los Angeles!
212
00:06:30,662 --> 00:06:31,830
Calm down, all right?
213
00:06:31,897 --> 00:06:33,364
You're overreacting.
214
00:06:33,432 --> 00:06:34,799
I am overreacting!
You know why?
215
00:06:34,867 --> 00:06:36,567
Because I want a family.
216
00:06:36,635 --> 00:06:38,368
I want to give my
nipples a purpose.
217
00:06:38,936 --> 00:06:40,738
Give my nipples a purpose!
218
00:06:40,805 --> 00:06:42,639
MAN: Oh, yeah!
- Oh, God, that was a mistake.
219
00:06:42,707 --> 00:06:44,975
(Man wolf whistles) Duck down.
That was a mistake.
220
00:06:45,293 --> 00:06:46,743
(Whispers):
We're taking that test.
221
00:06:47,729 --> 00:06:50,530
Well I think that you guys
made a really smart decision
222
00:06:50,598 --> 00:06:51,765
- coming in here today.
JESS: Sadie,
223
00:06:51,833 --> 00:06:54,901
once at a senior
graduation party,
224
00:06:54,970 --> 00:06:58,204
I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi
for... 12 hours.
225
00:06:58,272 --> 00:07:00,340
Is there any chance
that I sunny-side upped my eggs?
226
00:07:00,407 --> 00:07:01,540
- No, Jess.
- Oh,
227
00:07:01,608 --> 00:07:03,476
between the years
of 1998 and 2005,
228
00:07:03,543 --> 00:07:05,378
I used a lot of self-tanner.
229
00:07:05,446 --> 00:07:06,779
Like, a lot.
230
00:07:06,847 --> 00:07:09,182
Is that a possibility of, um...
231
00:07:09,249 --> 00:07:10,350
- Do I... Okay.
- Nope.
232
00:07:10,417 --> 00:07:12,285
Here we go.
233
00:07:12,853 --> 00:07:14,219
I once fell on
a pommel horse...
234
00:07:14,287 --> 00:07:16,321
I'm gonna call you
when I get the results.
235
00:07:18,206 --> 00:07:19,591
This is good.
236
00:07:22,828 --> 00:07:25,397
I got nothing. This is...
237
00:07:27,050 --> 00:07:28,250
Whoa, whoa, Jess,
what are you doing?
238
00:07:28,317 --> 00:07:29,751
That's my ketchup collection!
239
00:07:29,818 --> 00:07:31,418
This fertility Web site
says I need to get rid
240
00:07:31,486 --> 00:07:32,954
of anything with toxins.
241
00:07:33,021 --> 00:07:34,155
Did you put the microwave
in the trash?
242
00:07:34,223 --> 00:07:35,056
- Yes.
- Why would you do that?
243
00:07:35,124 --> 00:07:36,758
Microwaves zap things!
244
00:07:36,825 --> 00:07:38,025
- You can't take my microwave away!
- Zap my insides!
245
00:07:38,093 --> 00:07:39,560
- It's the only thing I love!
- I can't risk it!
246
00:07:39,628 --> 00:07:41,129
- It's what makes burritos delicious!
- I don't care!
247
00:07:41,196 --> 00:07:44,198
You care about your burritos
more than my children, Nick?
248
00:07:44,266 --> 00:07:45,498
- You're putting me in a tough spot.
SCHMIDT: Friends,
249
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:48,034
I'm in a real-life
sex pickle.
250
00:07:48,102 --> 00:07:51,772
My inability to satisfy Emma
has thoroughly rocked me.
251
00:07:52,539 --> 00:07:53,506
I've tried everything.
252
00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:55,108
How about now?
253
00:07:55,176 --> 00:07:56,977
Hold on. I'm Shazam-ing
this song.
254
00:07:57,544 --> 00:07:58,912
Oh, for crying out loud!
255
00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:00,080
Guess what I'm
worried about?
256
00:08:00,148 --> 00:08:01,480
This sound.
257
00:08:01,547 --> 00:08:02,681
You know what
that sound is?
258
00:08:02,749 --> 00:08:04,750
It's the sound of
an empty uterus.
259
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,485
I don't need test
results to tell me
260
00:08:06,552 --> 00:08:08,220
that it is The Grapes
of Wrath in there.
261
00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:09,388
It is 1930s
262
00:08:09,455 --> 00:08:11,123
Dust Bowl in there, Schmidt.
263
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:13,692
And they're all walking
with limps.
264
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:15,694
I can top that easily.
I'm having a hard time
265
00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:16,828
- with my zombie novel.
- Oh, not this...
266
00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:18,146
JESS:
Are you literally
267
00:08:18,147 --> 00:08:19,998
comparing a zombie novel
268
00:08:20,065 --> 00:08:21,732
to my ability to create life?
269
00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:23,902
I'm a writer, Jess.
We create life.
270
00:08:23,969 --> 00:08:25,804
Ugh! Being a woman sucks!
271
00:08:25,871 --> 00:08:27,772
Preaching to the choir.
Women are the worst.
272
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,707
Seriously, can you
please stop yelling?
273
00:08:29,775 --> 00:08:31,475
All right, now,
it's no big deal,
274
00:08:31,543 --> 00:08:33,443
but I'm on
an adjusted schedule.
275
00:08:33,511 --> 00:08:35,779
Sorry about this. Jess has
absolutely lost her mind.
276
00:08:35,847 --> 00:08:37,747
- I have not lost my mind!
- Yeah, you have.
277
00:08:37,816 --> 00:08:38,916
I'm just scared!
278
00:08:38,983 --> 00:08:40,017
NICK:
Would you trust me?
279
00:08:40,084 --> 00:08:41,118
You're gonna be fine.
280
00:08:41,186 --> 00:08:42,786
You're gonna meet
somebody and...
281
00:08:42,854 --> 00:08:44,387
you're gonna fall in love
and then...
282
00:08:44,455 --> 00:08:46,190
before you know it,
you're gonna...
283
00:08:46,257 --> 00:08:47,557
JESS:
With who, Nick?
284
00:08:47,625 --> 00:08:49,558
Who's gonna... lay a flag down
285
00:08:49,626 --> 00:08:51,327
on this sweet, sweet continent?
286
00:08:51,394 --> 00:08:53,329
I'll man up.
But I must warn you,
287
00:08:53,396 --> 00:08:55,164
Jess-- I don't have sperms.
288
00:08:55,232 --> 00:08:56,699
I have tadpoles.
289
00:08:56,766 --> 00:08:57,666
Of the gods.
290
00:08:57,734 --> 00:08:59,068
That's right.
291
00:08:59,136 --> 00:09:00,870
And I'm gonna give 'em to you.
292
00:09:00,938 --> 00:09:03,005
You can have 'em all,
for all I care.
293
00:09:03,073 --> 00:09:04,373
That's how much I love you.
294
00:09:04,441 --> 00:09:05,640
I feel your pain
in this situation.
295
00:09:05,708 --> 00:09:06,774
I want you to have babies.
296
00:09:06,843 --> 00:09:07,809
Take my sperms.
297
00:09:07,877 --> 00:09:09,577
No. It should be me, Jess.
298
00:09:09,645 --> 00:09:11,746
- What?
- With your big, beautiful blue eyes
299
00:09:11,814 --> 00:09:14,549
- and my...Blair Underwood-like skin,
- Mm-hmm.
300
00:09:14,616 --> 00:09:17,352
- We'd have the most beautiful baby the
world has ever seen. - He's not wrong.
301
00:09:17,419 --> 00:09:19,620
- It could get into any school it wants.
- Mm-hmm.
302
00:09:19,688 --> 00:09:23,590
To be clear, I haven't asked
any of you to impregnate me.
303
00:09:23,658 --> 00:09:25,692
I think it's important that
that's been said.
304
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:27,261
Good, 'cause it's definitely
not me.
305
00:09:27,329 --> 00:09:28,996
Good, 'cause it's
definitely not you.
306
00:09:29,064 --> 00:09:31,631
I would love that little baby
with all my heart.
307
00:09:31,699 --> 00:09:33,133
Even if I did show it
308
00:09:33,201 --> 00:09:34,268
by picking him up from school
309
00:09:34,336 --> 00:09:35,502
in my underwear and...
310
00:09:35,570 --> 00:09:37,603
hitting on the crossing guard.
311
00:09:37,671 --> 00:09:38,971
- How's the zombie novel coming?
Good, good, good.
312
00:09:38,972 --> 00:09:39,839
I haven't written a word.
313
00:09:39,907 --> 00:09:41,174
Wait, are you serious?
314
00:09:41,242 --> 00:09:42,441
Nick, it's not
that hard, man.
315
00:09:42,509 --> 00:09:43,943
Just sit down and write.
316
00:09:44,011 --> 00:09:45,111
You ain't Hemingway.
317
00:09:45,179 --> 00:09:46,645
- You boys are right.
- Mm-hmm.
318
00:09:46,713 --> 00:09:48,414
I got to be more like Hemingway.
319
00:09:48,482 --> 00:09:49,648
I just lost another one
of my eggs
320
00:09:49,716 --> 00:09:51,017
while you were comparing
yourself
321
00:09:51,085 --> 00:09:52,418
to the most famous writer
of all time.
322
00:09:52,486 --> 00:09:53,886
Maybe the reason
I have writer's block
323
00:09:53,953 --> 00:09:56,421
is I've been living too casual
with you clowns.
324
00:09:56,489 --> 00:09:58,924
I need real-life
adventure
325
00:09:58,992 --> 00:10:01,659
like Ernest Hemingway had
at my age.
326
00:10:01,727 --> 00:10:03,661
Man, I got to run
with the bulls.
327
00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:05,530
I got to kill a man
with my bare hands
328
00:10:05,598 --> 00:10:07,132
after making sweet love to him
329
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,633
and then sleep on the warm belly
of his horse.
330
00:10:09,701 --> 00:10:11,969
I got to eat my way out
of a sandwich house!
331
00:10:12,037 --> 00:10:13,437
How much you know
about Hemingway?
332
00:10:13,505 --> 00:10:15,306
Not a lot!
But I'm gonna learn!
333
00:10:15,374 --> 00:10:16,908
I'm becoming
Ernest Hemingway.
334
00:10:16,975 --> 00:10:18,109
You idiots.
335
00:10:21,245 --> 00:10:22,413
Schmidt.
336
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,348
Yo.
337
00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:25,882
Okay, Schmidt.
338
00:10:25,950 --> 00:10:27,484
Female pleasure.
339
00:10:29,252 --> 00:10:30,586
Here are some diagrams,
340
00:10:31,154 --> 00:10:32,588
so we can see where you're at.
341
00:10:32,656 --> 00:10:33,623
The vagina.
342
00:10:34,140 --> 00:10:34,741
I'm familiar.
343
00:10:35,608 --> 00:10:37,006
Good.
344
00:10:37,044 --> 00:10:40,012
Now, what I typically do is
I start over here,
345
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,013
and then I move here once
346
00:10:42,081 --> 00:10:44,349
I feel confident that this area
347
00:10:44,417 --> 00:10:45,617
- has been taken care of.
- Yeah, see,
348
00:10:45,685 --> 00:10:46,851
that's exactly what I do.
349
00:10:46,919 --> 00:10:49,421
I call that "Losing Nemo."
350
00:10:49,489 --> 00:10:52,724
Well, a more advanced move
would be...
351
00:10:52,792 --> 00:10:54,426
You know what?
I'll just show you.
352
00:10:54,494 --> 00:10:56,628
It's sort of...
Come in this way.
353
00:10:56,696 --> 00:10:58,797
No, no, I see what you're doing.
That asymmetry right there?
354
00:10:58,864 --> 00:11:00,565
That's crucial.
'Cause then what I'll do is
355
00:11:00,632 --> 00:11:02,000
is I'll go outside,
356
00:11:02,568 --> 00:11:04,502
get the paper,
357
00:11:04,570 --> 00:11:06,805
and shake the neighbor's hand.
358
00:11:06,872 --> 00:11:08,539
- Interesting.
- Then what I'll do is,
359
00:11:08,607 --> 00:11:11,843
I'll tie a bow on it
because it's birthday time.
360
00:11:11,911 --> 00:11:14,011
Then I get onstage
and collect my Oscar
361
00:11:14,079 --> 00:11:15,879
and say thank you
to the people,
362
00:11:15,947 --> 00:11:18,115
thank you to the people,
then get back down offstage
363
00:11:18,183 --> 00:11:20,550
and get everybody into
the sharing circle,
364
00:11:20,618 --> 00:11:22,252
right down there in
the sharing circle,
365
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:23,820
and then...
(Smacks loudly)
366
00:11:23,887 --> 00:11:25,089
spike the volleyball.
367
00:11:25,156 --> 00:11:26,724
Then what I like
to do is, I like
368
00:11:26,791 --> 00:11:28,759
to arrive at the
bridge, meet the troll,
369
00:11:28,827 --> 00:11:31,327
and then answer
his riddles three.
370
00:11:31,394 --> 00:11:32,862
Then what we do
is, we're dancing.
371
00:11:32,930 --> 00:11:34,430
We're just gonna dance, we're
gonna dance for a while.
372
00:11:34,497 --> 00:11:36,332
We'll dance until you
can't dance anymore,
373
00:11:36,399 --> 00:11:38,367
dancing till you
can't dance anymore,
374
00:11:38,435 --> 00:11:40,603
and then everybody gets
375
00:11:42,170 --> 00:11:43,873
a churro.
376
00:11:44,742 --> 00:11:46,008
(Clicks tongue)
377
00:11:50,213 --> 00:11:50,812
You okay?
378
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:52,080
Mm-hmm.
379
00:11:57,887 --> 00:12:00,055
It's the baby hormones.
380
00:12:00,123 --> 00:12:02,423
They are not as gay as me.
381
00:12:02,491 --> 00:12:03,524
So I'm good at this, right?
382
00:12:03,592 --> 00:12:04,525
Schmidt,
383
00:12:04,593 --> 00:12:06,894
in my professional opinion,
384
00:12:06,962 --> 00:12:08,963
you have definitely
earned the rank of--
385
00:12:09,030 --> 00:12:11,666
and I will use the phrase
you coined-- va-genius.
386
00:12:14,136 --> 00:12:16,471
Thank you, thank
you so much.
387
00:12:16,538 --> 00:12:18,272
I really needed to
hear that, Sadie.
388
00:12:18,339 --> 00:12:19,673
(Sighs)
389
00:12:19,741 --> 00:12:21,975
You got to go.
390
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:23,009
NICK:
Hey, Winston,
391
00:12:23,077 --> 00:12:24,645
we're going on an adventure!
392
00:12:24,712 --> 00:12:27,781
We need real-life experience
like Hemingway.
393
00:12:29,984 --> 00:12:31,485
Whoo, I feel
like Hemingway.
394
00:12:31,552 --> 00:12:32,852
This is life
experience?
395
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,687
Yeah, the zoo is the best
we can do, I told you,
396
00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:35,954
but it's got
everything we need.
397
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:38,324
It's got life,
animals, man, beast.
398
00:12:38,392 --> 00:12:39,992
Look, I'm sorry, dude,
it's just, you know,
399
00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:41,494
I'm not supposed to
be awake right now
400
00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:43,829
- because of my adjusted...
- Adjusted schedule, yeah.
401
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,130
Hey, man, 13
minutes of sleep.
402
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:46,666
Honestly, Nick,
seriously,
403
00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:48,467
13 minutes of sleep--
that's all I got.
404
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:49,769
You're starting to look
like a pillow to me.
405
00:12:49,836 --> 00:12:51,336
All I can think of is, like,
406
00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:53,705
"Man, Nick looks exactly
like a pillow to me."
407
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,740
Hmm, what'd you say?
Winston, you need some sleep.
408
00:12:55,808 --> 00:12:56,874
- But I'm out here with you.
- Yeah.
409
00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:58,276
- Okay, because I love you.
- Thank you.
410
00:12:58,344 --> 00:12:59,544
And I want you to finish
your zombie book.
411
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,245
Okay, but check out
where we are.
412
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:02,880
This is experience,
413
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:04,816
this is what's firing me up
to get back to writing.
414
00:13:04,883 --> 00:13:06,184
This is kind of
what it's all about.
415
00:13:06,251 --> 00:13:07,050
(Laughs)
416
00:13:07,051 --> 00:13:08,018
What are you doing?
417
00:13:08,019 --> 00:13:09,252
It's writer's fuel.
418
00:13:09,253 --> 00:13:10,788
That's what Hemingway said.
419
00:13:12,456 --> 00:13:14,625
Sadie, um, hey.
420
00:13:14,693 --> 00:13:15,959
Uh, I just,
I just want you to know
421
00:13:16,027 --> 00:13:17,661
that I am, um, I'm like--
422
00:13:17,729 --> 00:13:19,729
I am okay with whatever
you tell me.
423
00:13:19,797 --> 00:13:20,730
I'm just like,
424
00:13:20,798 --> 00:13:21,932
if you say
425
00:13:21,999 --> 00:13:23,732
you've got a year, that's fine.
426
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,734
If you say, like, "You can have
kids till you're 80,"
427
00:13:25,802 --> 00:13:28,337
that's fine, too.
If you say, "You are barren,"
428
00:13:28,904 --> 00:13:31,541
um, I'm, I'm okay
with that, too.
429
00:13:31,608 --> 00:13:32,842
Um, just,
430
00:13:32,909 --> 00:13:35,110
why am I
the only one talking?
431
00:13:35,178 --> 00:13:36,245
Just lay it on me.
432
00:13:36,313 --> 00:13:37,413
What's inside my body?
433
00:13:37,481 --> 00:13:39,414
Everything looks
good, Jess.
434
00:13:39,482 --> 00:13:41,015
Your hormone levels
are outstanding.
435
00:13:41,083 --> 00:13:42,050
- What?
- Actually
436
00:13:42,117 --> 00:13:43,585
these are off
the charts
437
00:13:43,653 --> 00:13:44,786
for someone
your age.
438
00:13:44,854 --> 00:13:46,655
I mean, I don't know how
439
00:13:46,723 --> 00:13:48,523
you're walking around
with this many eggs.
440
00:13:48,591 --> 00:13:50,091
♪ I'm the egg queen ♪
441
00:13:50,659 --> 00:13:53,127
♪ I'm queen ♪
♪ of the eggs. ♪
442
00:13:53,795 --> 00:13:54,695
Right.
(Typing)
443
00:13:54,763 --> 00:13:56,364
- Cece.
- Mm-hmm.
444
00:14:01,069 --> 00:14:03,738
You know what?
Maybe we should talk in private.
445
00:14:09,190 --> 00:14:11,457
Cece, Cece.
446
00:14:11,526 --> 00:14:13,092
Cece, wait, do
you want to talk?
447
00:14:13,660 --> 00:14:15,001
Jess, you don't get it.
448
00:14:15,209 --> 00:14:17,030
Sadie basically just
told me that if I want
449
00:14:17,098 --> 00:14:19,766
to have a kid,
I've got to start right now.
450
00:14:19,834 --> 00:14:22,101
Right now.
451
00:14:22,168 --> 00:14:24,069
I thought I had
all of this time.
452
00:14:25,637 --> 00:14:28,073
I didn't want to have
to think about this.
453
00:14:28,141 --> 00:14:30,609
I know, I know,
I'm sorry.
454
00:14:30,676 --> 00:14:32,077
I made you
take the test.
455
00:14:32,145 --> 00:14:34,246
What can I do?
456
00:14:35,063 --> 00:14:37,482
Make me a guy so I don't have
to worry about this.
457
00:14:40,952 --> 00:14:43,121
You know what? Yes.
458
00:14:43,188 --> 00:14:46,724
Yeah, let's be guys
just for today.
459
00:14:46,792 --> 00:14:48,793
Let's, let's care
about stupid things,
460
00:14:49,161 --> 00:14:52,296
talk about sharks
and sci-fi movies
461
00:14:52,364 --> 00:14:55,031
and making
everything wireless.
462
00:14:55,099 --> 00:14:57,934
"Dude, my phone is wireless,
my computer is wireless.
463
00:14:58,002 --> 00:14:59,702
- Everything's wireless, yeah."
- You're a terrible guy.
464
00:14:59,771 --> 00:15:00,703
"Come on."
465
00:15:00,772 --> 00:15:02,272
(Laughs)
466
00:15:02,339 --> 00:15:03,506
No, I'm the best guy.
467
00:15:03,574 --> 00:15:05,142
Come on, come on.
468
00:15:05,209 --> 00:15:06,542
All right.
469
00:15:06,610 --> 00:15:07,844
SCHMIDT:
Okay, how was that?
470
00:15:07,912 --> 00:15:08,911
(Sighs)
471
00:15:08,912 --> 00:15:09,812
Eh.
472
00:15:09,813 --> 00:15:11,680
Why, though,
with the "eh"?
473
00:15:11,748 --> 00:15:15,450
Unbelie-- but I played out
your most secret fantasy:
474
00:15:15,518 --> 00:15:17,119
French maid
handyman does...
475
00:15:17,187 --> 00:15:20,122
- Studio 54...
- Studio 54 busboy.
476
00:15:20,190 --> 00:15:22,324
- I know, it's disappointing.
- I thought I killed it.
477
00:15:22,392 --> 00:15:24,626
And I picked you at work because
I heard you were amazing in bed.
478
00:15:24,694 --> 00:15:27,095
I-- no, no, no, I am,
okay, I know that I am.
479
00:15:27,163 --> 00:15:29,664
I have it on good authority
from my model ex-girlfriend
480
00:15:29,731 --> 00:15:32,500
and an actual
lesbian gynecologist
481
00:15:32,567 --> 00:15:37,005
that I know exactly what I'm
doing, so it's got to be you.
482
00:15:37,072 --> 00:15:39,140
It's us--
this doesn't work.
483
00:15:39,208 --> 00:15:41,442
When I got divorced I-I,
484
00:15:41,510 --> 00:15:42,609
I thought
I could go out there
485
00:15:42,677 --> 00:15:44,845
and have
all these new experiences--
486
00:15:44,913 --> 00:15:48,282
the contract of sex
with someone at work
487
00:15:48,349 --> 00:15:51,118
who's so far
beneath me, you know,
488
00:15:51,186 --> 00:15:53,653
someone basically
just powerless.
489
00:15:53,721 --> 00:15:56,790
I guess I have
to feel something.
490
00:15:56,858 --> 00:15:58,657
Okay, see, I'm not like that.
491
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,126
I don't even understand
that concept.
492
00:16:00,194 --> 00:16:01,760
My ex-girlfriend the
model-- she's a model.
493
00:16:01,829 --> 00:16:03,529
- I know she's a model.
- We'd have sex,
494
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:06,232
and it was just like, I was
happy, you know, I, I...
495
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:08,367
We were connected, I wasn't
thinking about anything.
496
00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:09,568
What is that?
497
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,103
That is love, you idiot.
498
00:16:14,673 --> 00:16:15,941
That's love.
499
00:16:18,410 --> 00:16:19,911
Yuck.
500
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,346
- It sucks.
- So, what, do I have
501
00:16:21,413 --> 00:16:23,581
to, I have to, like, be in love
now to have good sex?
502
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,750
Think about me--
I got to go out in the world
503
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,286
and meet people, date.
504
00:16:28,354 --> 00:16:29,287
You're going
to be great.
505
00:16:29,355 --> 00:16:30,587
(Sighs)
506
00:16:30,655 --> 00:16:31,621
You think?
507
00:16:31,689 --> 00:16:33,523
Yeah.
508
00:16:33,591 --> 00:16:35,827
Consider
our sex contract void.
509
00:16:36,895 --> 00:16:37,928
How am I gonna get
the feathers off?
510
00:16:37,996 --> 00:16:39,096
I have no idea.
511
00:16:40,365 --> 00:16:42,032
Jess and that girl!
512
00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:43,600
Uh...
513
00:16:43,668 --> 00:16:44,967
(Laughs)
514
00:16:44,968 --> 00:16:47,503
Oh, I'm so glad they're here.
515
00:16:47,571 --> 00:16:49,138
So you're getting a lot
of work done here, huh?
516
00:16:49,206 --> 00:16:51,474
- Who wins-- me versus gorilla? Go.
- Gorilla.
517
00:16:51,541 --> 00:16:52,909
Me versus gorilla.
518
00:16:52,977 --> 00:16:54,344
- Gorilla.
- No, but in a contest.
519
00:16:54,412 --> 00:16:56,346
- Gorilla.
- Yeah, but in a competition.
520
00:16:56,413 --> 00:16:57,712
Uh, gorilla.
521
00:16:57,713 --> 00:16:58,714
You don't get it.
522
00:16:58,782 --> 00:16:59,648
CECE:
Okay, are you just
523
00:16:59,716 --> 00:17:00,984
drunk at the zoo right now?
524
00:17:00,985 --> 00:17:02,817
- Let's go look at snakes.
- Okay.
525
00:17:02,886 --> 00:17:03,818
Where are the snakes?!
526
00:17:03,887 --> 00:17:05,153
All day.
527
00:17:05,221 --> 00:17:06,755
You know what?
528
00:17:06,822 --> 00:17:08,623
I don't think we should
act like the guys.
529
00:17:08,691 --> 00:17:10,492
Jess, what am I going to do?
530
00:17:16,232 --> 00:17:19,000
What am I going
to tell Robby?
531
00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:22,069
You are a Mexican
West Coast rattlesnakes,
532
00:17:22,137 --> 00:17:24,405
and they call you "fang-tastic."
533
00:17:24,472 --> 00:17:25,806
(Chuckles)
534
00:17:25,874 --> 00:17:27,474
No one ever calls me
anything like that.
535
00:17:27,542 --> 00:17:28,609
Nick, what are you doing?
536
00:17:28,676 --> 00:17:29,944
This is not life experience;
537
00:17:30,012 --> 00:17:32,446
This is procrastination
at the zoo.
538
00:17:32,514 --> 00:17:33,914
- I don't think it is.
- Now, I need some sleep.
539
00:17:33,981 --> 00:17:35,315
- I got to work tonight.
- Okay,
540
00:17:35,316 --> 00:17:37,983
- congratulations, I'm glad you found
your passion... - Okay, look...
541
00:17:37,984 --> 00:17:39,551
...and that you
love what you do.
542
00:17:39,552 --> 00:17:40,520
- Wow.
- But enough's enough.
543
00:17:40,587 --> 00:17:42,722
- Don't throw it in my face.
- Is it like that, is it like that, Nick?
544
00:17:42,790 --> 00:17:44,157
- Don't throw it in my face.
- Nick, I got off
545
00:17:44,225 --> 00:17:46,326
- my adjusted schedule...
- Don't say "adjusted schedule."
546
00:17:46,394 --> 00:17:47,428
- That's super annoying.
- Adjusted schedule.
547
00:17:47,495 --> 00:17:48,829
- Stop saying it.
- Adjusted schedule.
548
00:17:48,897 --> 00:17:50,530
You say it again,
I'm gonna let the snakes out.
549
00:17:50,597 --> 00:17:52,331
Adjusted schedule.
Let the snakes out.
550
00:17:54,033 --> 00:17:55,568
I will let...
551
00:17:55,636 --> 00:17:58,170
- These guys have done a pretty good
job keeping it sealed. - Yeah, yeah.
552
00:17:58,238 --> 00:17:59,905
- Nick, you're not a finisher.
- Oh, I'm a finisher.
553
00:17:59,973 --> 00:18:01,240
You're not a finisher at all, man.
554
00:18:01,308 --> 00:18:03,375
- That's why you didn't finish law school.
- Don't do that.
555
00:18:03,444 --> 00:18:05,577
The same reason you're only three
episodes into Downton Abbey.
556
00:18:05,645 --> 00:18:07,579
- There's just too many characters, it's
hard to follow. - Yeah, yeah, yeah,
557
00:18:07,647 --> 00:18:10,348
I get it, man, you're scared,
and that's okay-- be scared.
558
00:18:10,716 --> 00:18:11,916
Just stop wasting my time
because I'm tired
559
00:18:11,984 --> 00:18:13,885
and I need to sleep
because I want to work tonight
560
00:18:14,453 --> 00:18:15,787
at the job I'm passionate about.
561
00:18:17,924 --> 00:18:20,358
ROBBY: I'm glad you called me;
I love the zoo.
562
00:18:20,926 --> 00:18:22,492
You think
I'm like a bear?
563
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,394
I mean, I kind of
move like a bear,
564
00:18:24,462 --> 00:18:26,863
and I got that really
long, sharp toenail
565
00:18:26,931 --> 00:18:28,131
that you love
so much.
566
00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,805
Hey.
(Chuckles)
567
00:18:37,340 --> 00:18:38,840
Randa.
568
00:18:39,443 --> 00:18:40,944
It says here you're 43.
569
00:18:41,511 --> 00:18:42,912
Keeping it tight, girl.
570
00:18:42,980 --> 00:18:44,747
(Child shouts indistinctly)
571
00:18:45,815 --> 00:18:46,983
What do you
think of kids?
572
00:18:47,050 --> 00:18:47,784
I love kids.
573
00:18:47,852 --> 00:18:48,985
I would like to have
children someday.
574
00:18:49,552 --> 00:18:50,553
- Someday?
- Well, yeah,
575
00:18:50,621 --> 00:18:51,955
like in ten years or something.
576
00:18:52,022 --> 00:18:53,856
Yeah.
577
00:18:56,925 --> 00:18:58,259
I have a lot of eggs.
578
00:18:58,327 --> 00:18:59,760
Unfortunately
579
00:18:59,828 --> 00:19:02,663
I don't have a lot of sausage.
580
00:19:04,266 --> 00:19:06,767
Yeah, I shouldn't be
complaining.
581
00:19:09,372 --> 00:19:11,405
I'll be okay.
582
00:19:14,372 --> 00:19:18,005
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
583
00:19:18,188 --> 00:19:19,422
- Hey, Winston.
- Aah, what?
584
00:19:19,490 --> 00:19:20,924
Sorry to wake you.
585
00:19:20,992 --> 00:19:22,725
- Z is for Zombie.
- What?
586
00:19:22,792 --> 00:19:23,959
I finished my novel.
587
00:19:24,027 --> 00:19:25,928
I stayed up
for 14 straight hours.
588
00:19:25,996 --> 00:19:27,429
I even peed in water bottles.
589
00:19:28,497 --> 00:19:29,631
We have a bathroom.
590
00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:32,034
Wow, you dedicated
it to me.
591
00:19:32,502 --> 00:19:34,452
"To Winston.
Have a nice summer.
592
00:19:34,470 --> 00:19:35,470
Hope to see you ag..."
593
00:19:35,938 --> 00:19:36,739
Really?
594
00:19:36,806 --> 00:19:38,973
I just want to say right now,
the black guy dies early--
595
00:19:39,041 --> 00:19:39,940
his name is William--
596
00:19:40,008 --> 00:19:40,974
but don't take offense;
597
00:19:41,042 --> 00:19:42,943
It's a staple of the genre.
598
00:19:43,011 --> 00:19:44,311
I can't take this--
too much anxiety.
599
00:19:44,379 --> 00:19:45,846
I'm going to my room.
600
00:19:47,081 --> 00:19:49,082
Hey, Winston,
are you reading it?
601
00:19:49,151 --> 00:19:49,983
Hey.
602
00:19:50,051 --> 00:19:51,252
Oh, hey.
603
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:54,188
I knew it.
604
00:19:54,256 --> 00:19:56,257
I knew you'd choose me
to get you pregnant.
605
00:19:57,324 --> 00:19:59,058
Yep, let's go.
606
00:19:59,126 --> 00:20:00,326
(Laughing):
Jess.
607
00:20:00,394 --> 00:20:01,694
(Both laugh)
608
00:20:02,762 --> 00:20:03,596
Schmidt.
609
00:20:05,616 --> 00:20:07,433
I think I may have been
in love with Cece.
610
00:20:07,501 --> 00:20:08,702
- You are in love with Cece.
- You think?
611
00:20:08,703 --> 00:20:11,170
Can't believe I have to have
feelings to have good sex.
612
00:20:11,237 --> 00:20:13,071
I was hoping I'd be dead
before this happened.
613
00:20:13,139 --> 00:20:14,739
Hey, why are we all hanging out
in my room
614
00:20:14,807 --> 00:20:15,774
and sitting on my bed?
615
00:20:15,841 --> 00:20:17,709
Nick, this is
616
00:20:17,777 --> 00:20:20,879
the worst thing I have ever read
in my entire life.
617
00:20:20,946 --> 00:20:22,214
You misspelled
the word "rhythm"
618
00:20:22,282 --> 00:20:23,549
38 times.
619
00:20:23,616 --> 00:20:25,350
- Z is for Zombie?
- Yeah, Z Is for Zombie.
620
00:20:25,418 --> 00:20:26,685
- The zombie novel.
- Yeah.
621
00:20:26,752 --> 00:20:27,719
"Rhythm" is
a tough word.
622
00:20:27,787 --> 00:20:29,253
- Don't feel bad about that.
- Yeah, thanks, man.
623
00:20:29,321 --> 00:20:30,755
- Did you get to the word search?
- Yeah.
624
00:20:30,823 --> 00:20:32,623
(Laughing): I put a word search
in the novel,
625
00:20:33,192 --> 00:20:33,957
but the joke's on you.
626
00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:35,726
There aren't any words in there,
627
00:20:35,794 --> 00:20:37,961
so you're just gonna be staring
at letters, you idiot.
628
00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:40,330
But you know what?
You finished it,
629
00:20:40,398 --> 00:20:42,866
and for that, my friend,
I'm proud of you.
630
00:20:42,934 --> 00:20:44,702
- Thank you, I did finish it, I finished something.
- Yeah, you finished something.
631
00:20:45,269 --> 00:20:46,336
Read it out loud,
Winston.
632
00:20:47,404 --> 00:20:48,471
(Chanting):
Read it out loud.
633
00:20:48,539 --> 00:20:49,806
SCHMIDT AND JESS:
Read it out loud.
634
00:20:49,873 --> 00:20:51,974
- Read it out loud... - Okay, I'll read
this damn thing; you asked for it.
635
00:20:52,542 --> 00:20:54,543
This might be humiliating.
636
00:20:54,611 --> 00:20:58,214
"No one in the sleepy mountain
town of 'Writhe-em' City..."
637
00:20:58,281 --> 00:20:59,582
That's Rhythm City.
638
00:20:59,649 --> 00:21:01,317
"...knew what the meteor meant,
but the one thing
639
00:21:01,384 --> 00:21:04,653
Mike Jr. did have was
a whole lot of 'rittems.'"
640
00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:07,155
- Rhythm. - No, yeah.
- "'Whoa, what bit me
641
00:21:07,223 --> 00:21:10,591
in the face?' Mike Jr. said
to his dad Mike Sr., who sucks."
642
00:21:10,592 --> 00:21:12,627
Sucks-- Mike Sr. sucks.
643
00:21:12,695 --> 00:21:14,229
It's a major theme
throughout this.
644
00:21:14,296 --> 00:21:15,697
"Mike Sr. sucks a whole bunch,
645
00:21:15,765 --> 00:21:17,465
much more
than his neighbor Rallo."
646
00:21:17,533 --> 00:21:19,300
Never stop
reading this.
647
00:21:19,368 --> 00:21:22,502
"'Zombie zoo, zombie zoo,
zombie zoo, zombie zoo.
648
00:21:22,570 --> 00:21:25,706
"'Who let them zombies
out that damn zombie zoo?
649
00:21:25,774 --> 00:21:27,842
Uh-oh, watch your back, Laura.'"
650
00:21:27,909 --> 00:21:29,143
And I guess Laura is
another character
651
00:21:29,211 --> 00:21:31,112
that he introduces,
but that's it.
652
00:21:31,179 --> 00:21:32,346
And here's the word search.
653
00:21:32,413 --> 00:21:33,948
NICK:
Yeah, good luck, you idiot.