1 00:00:13,778 --> 00:00:15,178 (Both spit) 2 00:00:16,948 --> 00:00:18,282 I like how things aren't weird between us. 3 00:00:18,350 --> 00:00:20,583 Right? 'Cause if somebody walked in here and saw us, 4 00:00:20,652 --> 00:00:23,654 they'd be, like, "Look at those two totally normal roommates. 5 00:00:23,722 --> 00:00:25,724 I bet they never sucked face." But we did. You sucked my face. 6 00:00:25,725 --> 00:00:26,724 I sucked your face. 7 00:00:26,725 --> 00:00:28,008 - You did. - Who cares? 8 00:00:28,009 --> 00:00:29,960 - You totally sucked my face. - Sorry that I touched your hand there. 9 00:00:30,028 --> 00:00:31,829 - It was accidental. Like, who acc...? - Yeah. I mean, which is cool, 10 00:00:31,896 --> 00:00:33,231 'cause that's the thing. It's, like, we're just roommates. 11 00:00:33,298 --> 00:00:34,665 Who cares? We're just cool. 12 00:00:34,733 --> 00:00:36,000 - I totally agree. Yes. - You know what I mean? 13 00:00:36,001 --> 00:00:38,034 Let's reward ourselves, 'cause we're doing so well. 14 00:00:38,102 --> 00:00:40,670 Table for two, fanciest restaurant in town. 15 00:00:40,738 --> 00:00:43,206 Yeah, and then we could have sex. 16 00:00:44,274 --> 00:00:45,208 (Laughs) (Laughs) 17 00:00:45,276 --> 00:00:47,644 - Just joking, I was just jok-- I was just joking. - Yeah, no, I know it was a joke. 18 00:00:48,211 --> 00:00:50,880 Spot. There's-There's a parking spot. 19 00:00:53,550 --> 00:00:54,983 I just finished rinsing out the Dumpster, 20 00:00:55,051 --> 00:00:57,919 and while I was buffing the backside, I found this-- 21 00:00:57,987 --> 00:00:59,588 4D. 22 00:00:59,656 --> 00:01:00,922 So, who gets the spot? 23 00:01:00,990 --> 00:01:02,090 - Me. - You know what? I never get anything. 24 00:01:02,159 --> 00:01:03,159 - I would like it. - I need a win. 25 00:01:03,226 --> 00:01:06,559 (Overlapping chatter) 26 00:01:06,729 --> 00:01:09,062 Give me the spot, or I'll kill you all! 27 00:01:11,099 --> 00:01:12,600 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 28 00:01:12,669 --> 00:01:15,403 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 29 00:01:15,404 --> 00:01:19,073 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 30 00:01:18,139 --> 00:01:19,073 (Whistles) 31 00:01:19,141 --> 00:01:20,841 I park under an overpass. 32 00:01:20,909 --> 00:01:22,343 Guys, guys, guys, guys. 33 00:01:22,411 --> 00:01:23,977 We all have crappy parking. 34 00:01:24,045 --> 00:01:27,378 Guys, why don't we just all share the spot? 35 00:01:27,682 --> 00:01:30,250 We'll each get it for a day and a half every week, 36 00:01:30,318 --> 00:01:32,986 and then we split Sunday into six-hour shifts. 37 00:01:33,054 --> 00:01:35,389 Does it say "Share stuff" in the Constitution of America? 38 00:01:35,456 --> 00:01:37,491 No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say? 39 00:01:38,059 --> 00:01:39,492 Don't share stuff. 40 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,561 No one deserves that spot more than I do. (Phone chimes) 41 00:01:41,628 --> 00:01:44,961 You know? 'Cause Lord knows, I've done my fair... share of... 42 00:01:45,699 --> 00:01:48,267 spotworthy things. 43 00:01:48,335 --> 00:01:49,768 (Whistles) What are you doing? 44 00:01:49,836 --> 00:01:51,904 I'm sorry. Daisy travels so much, and I work at night, so, 45 00:01:51,971 --> 00:01:55,304 you know, our sex window is... like... 46 00:01:56,076 --> 00:01:59,011 I've lived in this loft as long, if not longer, than anyone. 47 00:01:59,079 --> 00:02:01,479 I have the crummiest room, I'm on 24-hour grout watch. 48 00:02:01,547 --> 00:02:04,516 (Mutters) I pay the lion's share of the utilities, do I not? 49 00:02:04,584 --> 00:02:06,885 I refuse to pay for the wiffi. It's WiFi. 50 00:02:06,953 --> 00:02:09,054 I didn't even have to tell you guys about the spot. 51 00:02:09,122 --> 00:02:11,323 Why did I tell you guys about the spot? Oh, damn it! 52 00:02:11,390 --> 00:02:12,790 I'm the dumbest boy in school! 53 00:02:12,858 --> 00:02:14,258 As the only woman in the loft... 54 00:02:14,326 --> 00:02:16,660 Don't play the lady card. 55 00:02:16,729 --> 00:02:17,695 - I will play the lady card. - Race card. 56 00:02:17,763 --> 00:02:18,629 Lazy drunk card. 57 00:02:18,697 --> 00:02:21,565 Deserves-the-spot card. 58 00:02:21,633 --> 00:02:24,035 Do I not, every day, have to deal with Outside Dave? 59 00:02:24,103 --> 00:02:27,205 Dave? I have to use my car now, Dave. 60 00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:30,605 I work so hard, I just want some sleep! 61 00:02:32,976 --> 00:02:35,045 Dave, I'm gonna go get some coffee. 62 00:02:35,813 --> 00:02:37,914 Um, can I get you anything? 63 00:02:38,482 --> 00:02:41,017 2% latte. 64 00:02:41,085 --> 00:02:43,986 He throws dentures at me, he doesn't like cookies. 65 00:02:44,054 --> 00:02:46,555 Because I believe so strongly in women's equality, 66 00:02:46,623 --> 00:02:48,343 I refuse to give you preferential treatment. 67 00:02:48,358 --> 00:02:49,658 Well, that's really cool, Schmidt. I really... 68 00:02:49,726 --> 00:02:51,227 Wait a minute. 69 00:02:51,294 --> 00:02:51,827 (Phone chimes) WINSTON: Oh. 70 00:02:51,895 --> 00:02:52,828 Sex window. 71 00:02:52,896 --> 00:02:53,563 (Sighs) 72 00:02:53,631 --> 00:02:55,998 Now, if you all will excuse me, 73 00:02:56,066 --> 00:02:59,399 I am about to go and park my car on her parking spot. 74 00:02:59,736 --> 00:03:02,103 - Ew. Ew! Get out. - As if there was anything more important than this. 75 00:03:02,171 --> 00:03:03,805 I still want the spot, though. Obviously not getting the spot. 76 00:03:03,873 --> 00:03:05,373 And then there were three. 77 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:06,880 That's right. Just the way I want it. 78 00:03:20,755 --> 00:03:23,023 Come on! It's a good job, guys. 79 00:03:23,091 --> 00:03:25,893 Yes! How do you two care about stuff so much? 80 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:27,627 Well, you know what this means, Jessica, don't you? 81 00:03:27,695 --> 00:03:29,696 Nicholas Miller is now a swing vote. 82 00:03:29,764 --> 00:03:30,898 - What? No! - He's right, 'cause we're 83 00:03:30,965 --> 00:03:32,331 both voting for ourselves, 84 00:03:32,399 --> 00:03:34,000 so that makes you the decider. 85 00:03:34,067 --> 00:03:35,347 You two are on your own. I'm out. 86 00:03:35,368 --> 00:03:37,170 You can't escape destiny. 87 00:03:37,237 --> 00:03:39,571 She comes for us all, that relentless bitch. 88 00:03:39,639 --> 00:03:42,875 That's right. Destiny's a lady. 89 00:03:42,943 --> 00:03:45,244 Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis. 90 00:03:45,312 --> 00:03:47,713 Direct quote-- Scott Caan. 91 00:03:49,182 --> 00:03:50,748 (Knocking) Yup. 92 00:03:53,085 --> 00:03:54,953 Hey. 93 00:03:55,021 --> 00:03:56,587 I found one of your hoodies, 94 00:03:57,155 --> 00:03:58,523 and I borrowed it. 95 00:03:58,590 --> 00:04:01,923 You want to know what I'm wearing underneath this shirt? 96 00:04:02,394 --> 00:04:05,662 Yeah, sure. An invisible shirt. 97 00:04:05,730 --> 00:04:06,730 I'm confused, Jess. 98 00:04:06,798 --> 00:04:09,466 These are so long. Oh. 99 00:04:10,534 --> 00:04:12,002 I wouldn't put that in your mouth. 100 00:04:12,070 --> 00:04:13,804 - Do you chew on this? - I do. 101 00:04:13,872 --> 00:04:15,206 Mmm. You do, huh? 102 00:04:15,773 --> 00:04:17,574 It's crunchy. 103 00:04:17,642 --> 00:04:19,909 - Oh. - You get hit in the head or something? 104 00:04:19,977 --> 00:04:22,645 - Hmm? - Are you flirting with me to get the spot? 105 00:04:22,713 --> 00:04:26,046 How dare you accuse me of that. 106 00:04:26,250 --> 00:04:27,951 - The parking spot is yours. - Really? 107 00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:30,419 - Yeah. - Thanks, Nick. That's so cool of you. 108 00:04:30,487 --> 00:04:33,656 Sometimes I can be a gentleman, believe it or not. 109 00:04:33,724 --> 00:04:35,191 - Cool. - Cool. All right. 110 00:04:35,259 --> 00:04:36,591 - Well, thank you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 111 00:04:36,659 --> 00:04:38,360 Get in here. Yeah, we can... 112 00:04:38,427 --> 00:04:40,495 Let's hug this out. (Screaming) 113 00:04:40,563 --> 00:04:42,030 Purple nurple! 114 00:04:42,098 --> 00:04:43,765 Thank you. (Gasps) 115 00:04:43,833 --> 00:04:45,767 I don't know why I did that. I'll get ice. 116 00:04:45,835 --> 00:04:47,202 Why did you do that? 117 00:04:49,472 --> 00:04:51,106 Oh, finally. What took you so long? 118 00:04:51,174 --> 00:04:52,840 I said 2:45, not 3:08. 119 00:04:52,908 --> 00:04:54,375 I couldn't follow your directions. 120 00:04:54,442 --> 00:04:56,077 I'm telling you, girl, this complex is like a maze. 121 00:04:56,144 --> 00:04:58,479 Every building in this place looks exactly the same. 122 00:04:58,546 --> 00:05:00,047 And for future reference, 123 00:05:00,115 --> 00:05:01,849 I'm more of a left-right kind of guy, not so much 124 00:05:01,917 --> 00:05:03,650 - a north-south kind of guy. - Put on a condom. 125 00:05:03,718 --> 00:05:07,051 Hmm... I don't, uh... 126 00:05:07,589 --> 00:05:08,521 You forgot a condom? 127 00:05:08,589 --> 00:05:09,890 - You got a grocery bag? - No. 128 00:05:09,957 --> 00:05:10,857 - Tin foil? - No. 129 00:05:10,925 --> 00:05:12,025 - Hand sanitizer? - No. 130 00:05:12,093 --> 00:05:13,459 You got a shower cap and a twist tie? 131 00:05:13,527 --> 00:05:15,795 You didn't bring the one thing we need to have sex? 132 00:05:15,863 --> 00:05:17,630 - What about a baseball cap that's really small? - Are you serious? 133 00:05:17,698 --> 00:05:18,831 Um, I got quick reflexes. 134 00:05:21,168 --> 00:05:23,336 Mm, I'm gonna take care of this, okay? 135 00:05:23,404 --> 00:05:26,005 Okay, well, look, do not waste my time. 136 00:05:26,072 --> 00:05:27,606 I will be back faster than you can say, 137 00:05:27,673 --> 00:05:30,342 "Damn, Winston, I took care of myself already." 138 00:05:30,410 --> 00:05:31,810 Don't-don't say that, though. 139 00:05:31,878 --> 00:05:34,947 Do not... Wait for me. Wait... 140 00:05:35,015 --> 00:05:36,081 (Door closes) 141 00:05:36,149 --> 00:05:38,250 Who wants an ice-cold Heisler, 142 00:05:38,318 --> 00:05:41,019 all dressed up in a frosty mug? 143 00:05:41,086 --> 00:05:43,487 - Sure. I like beer. - I know you haven't officially decided 144 00:05:43,555 --> 00:05:46,888 on the spot yet, but I just wanted to say, thanks, man. 145 00:05:47,492 --> 00:05:49,060 What for, Schmidt? 146 00:05:49,528 --> 00:05:50,995 We both know that you're gonna give the spot to me, 147 00:05:51,063 --> 00:05:52,730 but I love that you're keeping up the charade. 148 00:05:52,798 --> 00:05:53,798 Spot's going to Jess. 149 00:05:53,865 --> 00:05:55,333 - Jess? - Jess. 150 00:05:55,401 --> 00:05:56,733 - Give me the beer back. - I'm trying to be a gentleman. 151 00:05:56,801 --> 00:05:58,468 Hey, Schmidt. Hey, Nick. 152 00:05:58,536 --> 00:06:01,004 Oh. 153 00:06:01,072 --> 00:06:02,940 - How you doing? - Good. How are you? 154 00:06:03,007 --> 00:06:05,208 Good. 155 00:06:13,516 --> 00:06:15,651 - What the hell? - Hmm? 156 00:06:15,718 --> 00:06:17,286 What... the hell? 157 00:06:17,354 --> 00:06:18,587 I'm checking my e-mails. 158 00:06:18,655 --> 00:06:20,522 Oh. Okay. 159 00:06:22,025 --> 00:06:25,358 Think that I'm blind? Think I can't smell it? 160 00:06:25,528 --> 00:06:27,529 You think I can't hear it? 161 00:06:28,097 --> 00:06:31,630 The stench of filth and lust is all over this room. 162 00:06:32,734 --> 00:06:35,036 Smells like freaking Tijuana. 163 00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:38,206 What... happened here? 164 00:06:38,274 --> 00:06:39,607 - Nothing. - Hardly anything. 165 00:06:39,675 --> 00:06:41,009 Hardly anything?! 166 00:06:41,077 --> 00:06:41,909 NICK: You know I'm not good 167 00:06:41,978 --> 00:06:42,944 at this, Jess. 168 00:06:43,012 --> 00:06:45,912 Shut up. Okay, fine. 169 00:06:45,981 --> 00:06:47,514 We kissed. Eh. (Scoffs) 170 00:06:47,582 --> 00:06:50,550 It was nothing. So? Uh, moving on. 171 00:06:53,821 --> 00:06:55,389 Don't be weird about this, Schmidt. 172 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:56,991 Remember... I mean, it was like a dare, basically. 173 00:06:57,058 --> 00:06:58,325 Yeah. 174 00:06:58,393 --> 00:07:00,760 Mazel... tov 175 00:07:00,828 --> 00:07:03,630 to the both of you. 176 00:07:03,698 --> 00:07:05,431 Well, I don't know what "Mazel tov" means, 177 00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:07,100 but it doesn't sound good. 178 00:07:11,504 --> 00:07:13,024 Excuse me, excuse me, sorry about that. 179 00:07:13,072 --> 00:07:14,339 Emergency. Emergency. Sorry about that. 180 00:07:14,407 --> 00:07:15,874 I need a condom. 181 00:07:15,942 --> 00:07:18,510 (Sighs) That'll be $8.75. 182 00:07:18,577 --> 00:07:20,478 All right. 183 00:07:20,546 --> 00:07:23,080 What the hell? What the...? 184 00:07:23,148 --> 00:07:25,249 Damn it, took Daisy's pants. 185 00:07:25,317 --> 00:07:26,851 Look, I don't have any money right now, 186 00:07:26,919 --> 00:07:28,520 but, you know, I have somebody waiting for me, 187 00:07:28,587 --> 00:07:30,154 so if you could just, you know? 188 00:07:30,722 --> 00:07:32,856 - Next. - Wait. No. No, no, no, no. 189 00:07:32,925 --> 00:07:34,706 Uh, look, what about that box of condoms right there, man? 190 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,593 They're practically open, right? 191 00:07:36,661 --> 00:07:38,529 How about you just slide one out and throw a brother a loosie? 192 00:07:38,596 --> 00:07:40,130 Next. 193 00:07:40,697 --> 00:07:42,632 MAN: Come on. 194 00:07:42,699 --> 00:07:44,067 (Sighs) Hey, everybody. 195 00:07:44,135 --> 00:07:45,402 What's up? 196 00:07:45,469 --> 00:07:46,670 My name is Winston Bishop, 197 00:07:46,738 --> 00:07:50,071 and I am in desperate need... of a condom. 198 00:07:50,942 --> 00:07:52,508 CLERK: Okay, that's it. WINSTON: Now hear me out. 199 00:07:52,576 --> 00:07:54,343 - Okay? Okay. - Come on. Sorry, folks. 200 00:07:54,411 --> 00:07:55,277 NICK: Hey, Schmidt? 201 00:07:58,014 --> 00:08:00,382 Hello, Schmidt? You okay? 202 00:08:00,450 --> 00:08:01,884 - Who? Me? - Yeah. 203 00:08:01,952 --> 00:08:03,619 Yeah, look, guys, I'm fine. 204 00:08:03,687 --> 00:08:06,556 Look, I admit, at first I was thrown, but I'm fine. 205 00:08:06,623 --> 00:08:08,223 Are you seriously doing this?! 206 00:08:08,291 --> 00:08:10,058 I can't believe this! This is so dumb! 207 00:08:10,125 --> 00:08:12,026 I'm sorry. 208 00:08:12,094 --> 00:08:14,563 I'm just... I'm trying to process this whole thing. 209 00:08:14,630 --> 00:08:17,165 Nick, you're my best friend, and you should have told me. 210 00:08:17,232 --> 00:08:19,067 And Jess, what do you think? Mono is just some sort of joke? 211 00:08:19,134 --> 00:08:20,602 Nothing has changed. 212 00:08:20,670 --> 00:08:23,171 Like same old, same old. 213 00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:25,639 Except for the fact that, uh, 214 00:08:25,707 --> 00:08:28,208 pre-kiss Jess didn't have a parking spot. 215 00:08:28,276 --> 00:08:31,345 Post-kiss Jess does. 216 00:08:31,412 --> 00:08:34,745 Sounds... like... change. 217 00:08:35,149 --> 00:08:36,851 I won the spot fair and square, Schmidt. 218 00:08:36,918 --> 00:08:38,819 Did you, though? I wouldn't say fair and square. 219 00:08:38,887 --> 00:08:41,654 (Scoffs) All right. Fine. 220 00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:44,190 I used my body. Is that what you want to hear? 221 00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:46,893 I shook what the good people of Oregon gave me, 222 00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:48,661 and I got a parking space. 223 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:52,062 Let me tell you something, Nicholas Miller. 224 00:08:52,466 --> 00:08:54,734 You know, had Winston kissed me, 225 00:08:54,802 --> 00:08:56,268 you're the first person I would have told! 226 00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:58,236 I know you would have told me if Winston kissed you. 227 00:08:58,304 --> 00:09:00,906 But I guess your loyalty lies elsewhere. 228 00:09:02,274 --> 00:09:04,510 I can't handle this! 229 00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:06,144 Fine. Schmidt, congratulations. 230 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:07,746 The spot is yours. 231 00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:08,847 Okay. Really. It's him. 232 00:09:08,915 --> 00:09:11,316 What?! Nick Miller, you weakling. 233 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,118 I can't have people thinking my decision wasn't above board. 234 00:09:14,185 --> 00:09:15,720 This city can't have another scandal! 235 00:09:15,787 --> 00:09:17,154 - Wise choice. (Laughs) - Thanks. 236 00:09:17,222 --> 00:09:18,389 He's been manipulating you the whole time. 237 00:09:18,456 --> 00:09:19,991 - Look at him. - I don't think... 238 00:09:20,058 --> 00:09:23,093 Look at his smi-- he's smiling evilly. 239 00:09:23,161 --> 00:09:24,896 You know what, Jess? Stop. 240 00:09:24,963 --> 00:09:26,430 You're manipulating me, he's manipulating me, 241 00:09:26,498 --> 00:09:28,265 and I'm getting confused. 242 00:09:28,333 --> 00:09:30,934 I am the decider of us three! 243 00:09:31,002 --> 00:09:33,302 I decide! 244 00:09:33,370 --> 00:09:34,738 Let the decider decide! 245 00:09:34,805 --> 00:09:36,372 I am not the suggester! 246 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,608 I'm not having a good time with this game. 247 00:09:40,077 --> 00:09:41,745 Give my regards to Outside Dave. 248 00:09:41,812 --> 00:09:43,747 Stay away from my space... 249 00:09:43,814 --> 00:09:45,581 or you'll have this to deal with. 250 00:09:46,917 --> 00:09:48,651 S... 251 00:09:48,718 --> 00:09:50,285 Where are your nipples, man? 252 00:09:52,923 --> 00:09:55,123 I'll never tell. 253 00:09:55,191 --> 00:09:56,592 (Laughing quietly) 254 00:09:58,660 --> 00:09:59,861 You're either gonna break your finger, 255 00:09:59,929 --> 00:10:01,663 or you're gonna break that button. 256 00:10:01,730 --> 00:10:03,665 I'm not going back in there. It's too weird. 257 00:10:03,732 --> 00:10:05,633 (Sighs) You're the one making it weird, Nick. 258 00:10:05,701 --> 00:10:07,501 You want weird? I'll give you weird. 259 00:10:07,570 --> 00:10:09,336 Weird, weird, weird. 260 00:10:09,404 --> 00:10:12,273 Fine. Weirder, weirder, weirder. 261 00:10:14,409 --> 00:10:17,742 Weird, weird, weird. 262 00:10:17,879 --> 00:10:19,880 Uh, weird, right, ugh. 263 00:10:19,948 --> 00:10:21,782 Weird. 264 00:10:21,849 --> 00:10:22,983 (Grunts) Weird. Weird. 265 00:10:23,051 --> 00:10:24,217 - Weird, weirder, weird. - Weird, weird. 266 00:10:24,285 --> 00:10:25,719 - Weird, weird. - Weird. 267 00:10:25,787 --> 00:10:27,554 - Weird! Weird. Weird! - What are we doing?! 268 00:10:27,622 --> 00:10:30,523 I don't know! You started it! 269 00:10:30,592 --> 00:10:34,325 - Is this how it's gonna be? Is it? - What are we talking about, Jess? 270 00:10:34,395 --> 00:10:37,029 You think things like this aren't gonna come up all the time? 271 00:10:37,097 --> 00:10:39,131 We need a long-term solution. 272 00:10:39,699 --> 00:10:41,266 I'll give you a long-term solution. 273 00:10:43,663 --> 00:10:45,571 I'm taking the spot! 274 00:10:45,639 --> 00:10:46,939 Oh, my God. 275 00:10:48,007 --> 00:10:49,373 What is all the commotion? 276 00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,042 - He's taking the spot! - He can't do that! 277 00:10:51,110 --> 00:10:52,744 Kill him, kill him-- you said you'd kill him! 278 00:10:52,812 --> 00:10:54,973 - Now kill him! Now's your chance! - Oh, for heaven's sakes. 279 00:10:54,981 --> 00:10:56,681 NICK: First car in the spot gets it. 280 00:10:57,249 --> 00:10:57,682 Aah! 281 00:10:57,750 --> 00:10:59,584 (Jess whimpering) 282 00:11:05,090 --> 00:11:06,256 Aw, damn it! 283 00:11:06,724 --> 00:11:08,158 You middled me again?! 284 00:11:08,226 --> 00:11:09,906 I'm not to be middled; It's in my contract. 285 00:11:10,178 --> 00:11:11,912 Shoot! 286 00:11:11,980 --> 00:11:13,947 Excuse me. 287 00:11:14,015 --> 00:11:15,415 Aah! 288 00:11:15,483 --> 00:11:18,518 Hey, five bucks if you help me fold this nicely. 289 00:11:18,586 --> 00:11:21,354 I'm not going above six, so don't negotiate with me. 290 00:11:21,421 --> 00:11:23,222 (Tires screech) Aah! 291 00:11:23,290 --> 00:11:24,991 Go, go, sorry, go. 292 00:11:25,058 --> 00:11:27,894 Oh, I'm sorry, I-- okay, sorry, go. 293 00:11:29,529 --> 00:11:31,764 Move it, you wacky bitch! 294 00:11:32,832 --> 00:11:35,301 It won't start. 295 00:11:35,369 --> 00:11:37,168 (Grunts) 296 00:11:37,236 --> 00:11:38,870 Help me push it! 297 00:11:38,938 --> 00:11:40,005 (Grunts) 298 00:11:40,072 --> 00:11:42,040 Get behind it. 299 00:11:42,108 --> 00:11:45,043 Back in the box! 300 00:11:46,879 --> 00:11:48,746 (Meowing) Aw, cats. 301 00:11:48,814 --> 00:11:50,882 Hey, hey, buddy. 302 00:11:52,118 --> 00:11:53,650 (Tires screeching) 303 00:11:53,718 --> 00:11:55,953 What? 304 00:11:56,021 --> 00:11:57,487 (Laughs) 305 00:11:57,555 --> 00:11:58,789 Mine. 306 00:11:58,856 --> 00:12:00,524 The laws of parking require a vehicle. 307 00:12:00,591 --> 00:12:01,691 This is my vehicle. 308 00:12:01,759 --> 00:12:02,859 This is my vehicle. 309 00:12:02,928 --> 00:12:04,728 Don't. 310 00:12:04,796 --> 00:12:06,230 Don't you do it, Schmidt. 311 00:12:06,298 --> 00:12:07,264 I'm not afraid. 312 00:12:07,332 --> 00:12:08,132 Schmidt, no. 313 00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:12,535 - You just hit me. - Damn right I did. 314 00:12:12,602 --> 00:12:13,736 You're sitting right in the middle 315 00:12:13,804 --> 00:12:15,704 - of the spot. - You hit me with your car 316 00:12:15,772 --> 00:12:17,540 over a parking spot, Schmidt. 317 00:12:17,607 --> 00:12:18,707 Get out of the spot! 318 00:12:18,775 --> 00:12:20,076 (Tires screeching) Jess. 319 00:12:20,144 --> 00:12:21,911 Move or I will hit you. I want that spot. 320 00:12:21,979 --> 00:12:23,019 - No. - Have you lost your mind? 321 00:12:23,047 --> 00:12:24,847 - Not a joke, move, move. - No. 322 00:12:24,915 --> 00:12:25,914 - What are you doing, Jess? - Move, move. 323 00:12:25,982 --> 00:12:27,582 Jess, stop it. 324 00:12:27,650 --> 00:12:29,351 What are you doing? Stop the car, you lunatic. She's insane. 325 00:12:29,419 --> 00:12:31,119 - No-- oh! - O-h! 326 00:12:31,854 --> 00:12:34,456 No, no! 327 00:12:34,523 --> 00:12:35,390 What is she doing? 328 00:12:35,458 --> 00:12:36,825 What is going on? 329 00:12:36,892 --> 00:12:38,412 Can't believe I'm going down like this. 330 00:12:38,861 --> 00:12:39,821 You're not in the space! 331 00:12:42,530 --> 00:12:44,332 Okay, all right, mine, mine, I'm not leaving. 332 00:12:44,399 --> 00:12:45,599 NICK: I'm not leaving either. 333 00:12:45,667 --> 00:12:46,733 I have a purse full of hard candy 334 00:12:46,801 --> 00:12:48,269 and an empty bladder. 335 00:12:48,337 --> 00:12:49,837 I'm here all night, folks. 336 00:12:49,904 --> 00:12:51,472 - I'm here all night. - I'm here all night. 337 00:12:51,539 --> 00:12:53,219 - I'm here all night. - I-- that's what I said. 338 00:12:55,938 --> 00:12:57,772 I'm really happy you gave me another shot. 339 00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,774 Yeah, so am I. 340 00:12:59,842 --> 00:13:01,776 You know, you, you can't judge someone based on their friends. 341 00:13:01,844 --> 00:13:03,844 No, and I feel like, if you gave them another chance, 342 00:13:03,879 --> 00:13:05,112 you'd really like them. 343 00:13:05,180 --> 00:13:08,513 - They are down to earth and chill, no drama. - Yeah? 344 00:13:08,884 --> 00:13:10,251 (Pounding on door) WINSTON: Hey, Cece, 345 00:13:10,318 --> 00:13:11,318 it's Winston! 346 00:13:11,736 --> 00:13:12,552 You got a rubber?! 347 00:13:12,653 --> 00:13:14,220 I need a rubber. 348 00:13:14,788 --> 00:13:15,989 (Pounding on door) 349 00:13:16,090 --> 00:13:18,657 He said "rhubarb," that's how he pronounces "rhubarb" 350 00:13:18,759 --> 00:13:19,259 It's so weird. 351 00:13:19,326 --> 00:13:22,095 Nah, nah, I-I need a condom 352 00:13:22,162 --> 00:13:24,731 for my penis! 353 00:13:24,799 --> 00:13:26,165 What are you doing? 354 00:13:26,233 --> 00:13:27,867 Okay, we're not close enough for this. 355 00:13:27,934 --> 00:13:30,002 Alright, we have spent very little time together. 356 00:13:30,103 --> 00:13:32,104 You are the only person that I know in this neighborhood. 357 00:13:32,205 --> 00:13:33,739 Don't you dare come in my house. 358 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:35,508 Hey, man, hey. 359 00:13:35,575 --> 00:13:37,175 Hey. I'm Winston, good to see you again. 360 00:13:37,243 --> 00:13:38,778 - Shivrang, Hi. - You got a condom on you? 361 00:13:38,845 --> 00:13:41,480 Oh, no, no, look that's not, We're, um.... 362 00:13:41,515 --> 00:13:42,981 Her mother and my mother... 363 00:13:43,082 --> 00:13:45,517 (Clears throat) I'm a chemical engineer. - Winston, 364 00:13:45,551 --> 00:13:47,786 Look, Shivrang, man to man, I know you have a condom 365 00:13:47,820 --> 00:13:50,655 in your wallet, but the question to you is: Do you actually think 366 00:13:50,689 --> 00:13:52,791 you' gonna get lucky with a a sexy lady like that? 367 00:13:52,858 --> 00:13:54,692 You know, I feel like I'm getting lucky 368 00:13:54,794 --> 00:13:56,861 by just being here. 369 00:13:56,929 --> 00:13:59,897 Be honest with me. Ok, fine, I've got a condom. 370 00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:01,732 - Aha! - Winston. 371 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,767 - Is he going to need that condom tonight? - Oh, God. 372 00:14:03,835 --> 00:14:05,636 - I'm gonna punch you in the face. - Shall I give you a minute to think about it? 373 00:14:05,703 --> 00:14:07,137 - 'Cause I can wait. - I'm gonna wring your damn neck. 374 00:14:07,204 --> 00:14:08,939 - This is awful, like, really... - Okay, okay. Get out. 375 00:14:09,006 --> 00:14:10,273 - This is worse than last time. - Honestly, physically removing you now. 376 00:14:10,341 --> 00:14:11,381 - I'm going. - Out of my house. 377 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:16,712 It's a sour ball, not a bank safe. 378 00:14:16,780 --> 00:14:19,248 Just open the candy. 379 00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:20,817 - Are you hungry? - Yes, I'm starving. 380 00:14:20,884 --> 00:14:21,918 Why don't you go upstairs to the kitchen? 381 00:14:21,985 --> 00:14:23,252 It's full of food. 382 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:24,401 Just give me the damn candy. 383 00:14:24,455 --> 00:14:26,355 - Go get it. - Wait, no, no, no. 384 00:14:27,591 --> 00:14:28,791 Aah. 385 00:14:28,859 --> 00:14:30,460 Okay, I have, like, a stabbing pain, it's-- 386 00:14:30,527 --> 00:14:31,888 and it's, and it's like right here. 387 00:14:31,928 --> 00:14:33,261 It's my pishy. 388 00:14:33,329 --> 00:14:34,863 I, I have to pish. 389 00:14:35,431 --> 00:14:36,898 I think we should take a break. 390 00:14:36,966 --> 00:14:38,867 - Leave and you're out. - Drown in your own urine. 391 00:14:38,935 --> 00:14:39,868 I got to find a condom. 392 00:14:39,936 --> 00:14:41,369 I need a condom! 393 00:14:41,437 --> 00:14:42,671 But I still want the spot. 394 00:14:44,941 --> 00:14:46,641 Come on, come on, come on, Nick, come on. 395 00:14:48,376 --> 00:14:50,310 (Stammers) 396 00:14:50,378 --> 00:14:52,379 Okay. 397 00:14:52,447 --> 00:14:54,281 Condom, condom, condom. 398 00:14:54,349 --> 00:14:56,249 Damn it. 399 00:14:56,317 --> 00:14:58,218 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 400 00:14:58,286 --> 00:15:01,619 Here we go... here we go. 401 00:15:01,723 --> 00:15:03,690 I mean, she's either having crazy amounts of sex 402 00:15:03,757 --> 00:15:05,592 or she does not know how to use these things. 403 00:15:05,659 --> 00:15:08,992 (Groans) 404 00:15:09,329 --> 00:15:12,298 Oh, just focus, man, bring it in. 405 00:15:12,366 --> 00:15:13,800 Absorb it. 406 00:15:13,868 --> 00:15:16,636 (Sighs) 407 00:15:16,704 --> 00:15:18,170 Yeah. 408 00:15:18,238 --> 00:15:19,438 Did you just pee inside your body? 409 00:15:19,506 --> 00:15:20,438 Yes. 410 00:15:20,507 --> 00:15:22,040 This is your fault, Nick. 411 00:15:22,108 --> 00:15:23,308 You compromised the whole loft. 412 00:15:23,309 --> 00:15:24,543 We had an agreement. 413 00:15:24,611 --> 00:15:26,077 When Jessica Day signed that lease, 414 00:15:26,145 --> 00:15:29,347 you, me, and Coach all took a no-nail oath. 415 00:15:29,415 --> 00:15:30,782 No-nail oath? 416 00:15:30,850 --> 00:15:32,250 I didn't break the no-nail oath. 417 00:15:32,318 --> 00:15:34,386 Your mouth nailed her mouth. 418 00:15:34,453 --> 00:15:36,954 For the record, no one nailed my mouth. 419 00:15:37,022 --> 00:15:38,222 That's important to me. 420 00:15:38,289 --> 00:15:41,058 Also, we didn't do anything wrong. 421 00:15:41,126 --> 00:15:42,727 Do you know nothing about men? 422 00:15:42,794 --> 00:15:44,461 Yeah, I know nothing about men. 423 00:15:44,530 --> 00:15:47,264 That's why I'm wearing a short skirt and wool tights. 424 00:15:47,332 --> 00:15:48,933 A woman cannot be in close quarters with three men 425 00:15:49,001 --> 00:15:50,167 and kiss one of them. 426 00:15:50,235 --> 00:15:51,201 What fuels men? 427 00:15:51,269 --> 00:15:53,703 Competition and sex. 428 00:15:53,771 --> 00:15:55,438 That's why the United Nations was formed, 429 00:15:55,506 --> 00:15:57,407 that's why girls aren't allowed on pirate ships, 430 00:15:57,474 --> 00:15:58,307 and that is why there is 431 00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,777 a no-nail oath in apartment 4D, 432 00:16:00,845 --> 00:16:03,346 and deep down inside, Nick knows that I'm right. 433 00:16:03,414 --> 00:16:04,414 Mm-hmm, 434 00:16:04,481 --> 00:16:05,448 back me up here, Nick. 435 00:16:05,516 --> 00:16:06,950 I just want a piece of candy. 436 00:16:07,018 --> 00:16:09,084 Are you serious? You didn't give me the spot 437 00:16:09,152 --> 00:16:10,352 and now you won't back me up? 438 00:16:10,420 --> 00:16:12,154 - You coward. - Why should he? 439 00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:15,290 Because he-- because... 440 00:16:15,358 --> 00:16:17,092 Because, what, you kissed, 441 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:20,362 and now he owes you some sort of emotional support and loyalty? 442 00:16:20,930 --> 00:16:23,798 Reason number two for the no-nail oath-- 443 00:16:23,966 --> 00:16:25,867 bitches be crazy. (Laughs) 444 00:16:25,935 --> 00:16:27,268 Isn't that right, Nick? 445 00:16:27,335 --> 00:16:30,204 I found garbage that has chocolate on it. 446 00:16:31,873 --> 00:16:33,207 Daisy, I'm back. 447 00:16:35,711 --> 00:16:37,579 (Gasps) 448 00:16:40,514 --> 00:16:41,481 Daisy. 449 00:16:41,549 --> 00:16:43,283 Hey, Daisy, 450 00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:45,052 I'm here! Where you at?! 451 00:16:45,119 --> 00:16:46,587 I don't have my phone, 452 00:16:46,654 --> 00:16:48,421 and all these buildings look alike, and I... 453 00:16:48,489 --> 00:16:49,756 Hey, Daisy! 454 00:16:49,824 --> 00:16:50,824 - You know Daisy? MAN: Shut up. 455 00:16:50,892 --> 00:16:51,792 No? All right, okay, cool. 456 00:16:51,859 --> 00:16:52,826 Now, I walked around with "yum" 457 00:16:52,894 --> 00:16:54,061 on my butt all day. 458 00:16:54,128 --> 00:16:57,461 I deserve sex-- protected sex. 459 00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:01,298 Daisy...! 460 00:17:02,702 --> 00:17:04,971 Schmidt's right. 461 00:17:05,038 --> 00:17:06,572 I thought we could go back to the way things were, 462 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:07,573 but we can't. 463 00:17:08,641 --> 00:17:09,909 You nailed my mouth... 464 00:17:10,977 --> 00:17:14,310 and you nailed it good and hard and strong. 465 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,180 Now things have changed. 466 00:17:16,248 --> 00:17:18,116 Okay, but they don't have to have changed. 467 00:17:18,183 --> 00:17:20,885 It's just different, Nick, it is. 468 00:17:20,953 --> 00:17:24,122 That kiss was the dumbest mistake I have ever made-- 469 00:17:24,189 --> 00:17:26,290 dumber than Caroline, dumber than law school, 470 00:17:26,358 --> 00:17:27,692 dumber than when I thought it was pronounced 471 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,893 "Brock Omabrama." 472 00:17:29,961 --> 00:17:30,995 - What? - I thought 473 00:17:31,062 --> 00:17:32,597 his name was pronounced "Brock Oma..." 474 00:17:32,664 --> 00:17:33,964 It's not... 475 00:17:34,032 --> 00:17:35,566 If I could go back in time 476 00:17:35,634 --> 00:17:37,168 and take back the kiss, I would. 477 00:17:37,236 --> 00:17:39,870 I would take it back, I regret it. 478 00:17:41,106 --> 00:17:43,141 Congratulations, 479 00:17:43,208 --> 00:17:46,541 you're the proud owner of a new parking spot. 480 00:17:48,446 --> 00:17:50,247 Oh, you got to be kidding me. 481 00:17:51,314 --> 00:17:53,647 Jess, wait. 482 00:17:54,997 --> 00:17:56,319 You realize, every second 483 00:17:56,387 --> 00:17:57,887 that you don't run after her, you become more and more 484 00:17:57,955 --> 00:17:59,822 of a buttwad, don't you? 485 00:17:59,890 --> 00:18:01,123 Did you pee yourself? 486 00:18:01,491 --> 00:18:04,226 That I did, that I did. 487 00:18:09,917 --> 00:18:11,752 - Jess. - Hi. 488 00:18:11,819 --> 00:18:13,186 Hey, look... 489 00:18:13,254 --> 00:18:14,694 Why you holding a box of fish sticks? 490 00:18:14,756 --> 00:18:17,441 Because I'm going to go scare the feral cats away 491 00:18:17,509 --> 00:18:19,676 that live in my current parking spot, Nick. 492 00:18:19,744 --> 00:18:21,544 I'm going to throw fish sticks at them 493 00:18:21,611 --> 00:18:24,647 while singing "Memory," and don't you dare criticize me. 494 00:18:24,714 --> 00:18:26,149 I don't regret kissing you. 495 00:18:26,216 --> 00:18:27,183 (Sighs) 496 00:18:27,251 --> 00:18:30,619 I regret what it did, I regret that it made things weird. 497 00:18:30,687 --> 00:18:33,047 We are roommates, you know, we got to figure this out, Jess. 498 00:18:33,057 --> 00:18:34,090 A no-nail oath? 499 00:18:34,158 --> 00:18:35,398 You thought I was going to sleep 500 00:18:35,459 --> 00:18:37,692 with one of you, like I just couldn't help it? 501 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,595 It was me, Jess, I couldn't help it. 502 00:18:40,663 --> 00:18:41,829 (Box drops) 503 00:18:44,767 --> 00:18:46,068 You dropped your fish sticks. 504 00:18:46,135 --> 00:18:47,936 Shut up, Nick. 505 00:18:50,139 --> 00:18:52,540 Ay, ay, ay. 506 00:18:52,607 --> 00:18:54,542 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 507 00:18:54,609 --> 00:18:56,777 - We're having a conversation. - Will you please get out of here? 508 00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:57,778 Yeah, well, that's the problem, isn't it? 509 00:18:57,845 --> 00:18:59,613 Because I live here, too, 510 00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:01,915 and I'm gonna be here when all of this goes to crap. 511 00:19:01,983 --> 00:19:03,317 Next time you guys have your dirty little thoughts 512 00:19:03,385 --> 00:19:04,351 about each other, you better be thinking 513 00:19:04,419 --> 00:19:05,486 about me, too, 514 00:19:05,554 --> 00:19:07,788 because I ain't going nowhere. 515 00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:11,188 You are literally sitting in a puddle of your own pee. 516 00:19:11,459 --> 00:19:14,792 The apartment 4D no-nail oath right here: 517 00:19:15,463 --> 00:19:17,497 "We, the undersigned, 518 00:19:17,565 --> 00:19:19,999 "Agree never to nail our roommate Jessica Day 519 00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:22,302 "unless the sex can be parlayed into a business 520 00:19:22,369 --> 00:19:23,803 that provides for all parties involved." 521 00:19:23,870 --> 00:19:25,471 - What? - I didn't read the fine print. 522 00:19:25,538 --> 00:19:29,871 "If one of the undersigned nails said female, 523 00:19:29,942 --> 00:19:31,710 well, then all must nail her." 524 00:19:31,777 --> 00:19:32,917 - What?! - I didn't know there was fine print. 525 00:19:32,946 --> 00:19:34,913 - What, what?! - I didn't know there was fine... 526 00:19:34,981 --> 00:19:36,881 JESS: Let me be very clear here-- I am a strong, 527 00:19:36,949 --> 00:19:38,517 self-sufficient woman, 528 00:19:38,585 --> 00:19:41,219 and I will not be nailing you, Schmidt, 529 00:19:41,286 --> 00:19:42,953 or Nick or Schmidt. 530 00:19:43,021 --> 00:19:44,522 Notice I said that twice 531 00:19:44,590 --> 00:19:46,524 because I don't feel it's sinking in. 532 00:19:46,592 --> 00:19:48,392 There will be no nails 533 00:19:48,460 --> 00:19:51,095 or screws or hammers 534 00:19:51,163 --> 00:19:55,696 in this building area generally, the whole thing. 535 00:19:55,734 --> 00:19:57,400 What, do you think that I want to do this? 536 00:19:57,468 --> 00:19:58,768 Believe me, pass. 537 00:19:58,836 --> 00:19:59,669 I just don't want my home 538 00:19:59,737 --> 00:20:01,004 turning into a den 539 00:20:01,071 --> 00:20:03,139 of sexual tension and lies. 540 00:20:03,206 --> 00:20:05,574 Now, do you want things to go back to normal or not? 541 00:20:05,643 --> 00:20:06,643 - Yes. - Yes, I do, but I... 542 00:20:06,710 --> 00:20:09,012 Then, I just have to kiss you. 543 00:20:09,079 --> 00:20:10,579 This is just one of those things-- let's just do it... 544 00:20:10,648 --> 00:20:11,580 No, I-I... 545 00:20:11,649 --> 00:20:13,182 ...get past it, we move on. 546 00:20:13,250 --> 00:20:14,316 I think that's a bad idea. 547 00:20:14,384 --> 00:20:15,484 Nick, you're into this, right? 548 00:20:15,552 --> 00:20:16,686 I don't know, might help. 549 00:20:16,754 --> 00:20:17,954 Are you serious? 550 00:20:18,022 --> 00:20:19,021 I don't know. 551 00:20:19,088 --> 00:20:20,288 Okay, fine, just get over here 552 00:20:20,356 --> 00:20:21,657 and do it and do it fast. 553 00:20:21,724 --> 00:20:23,358 - I'll be a hero. - Bring it on. 554 00:20:23,425 --> 00:20:25,961 Mmm... 555 00:20:26,029 --> 00:20:27,062 Aah. 556 00:20:27,130 --> 00:20:29,031 - Ooh. - No. 557 00:20:29,098 --> 00:20:31,133 - No. - Mistake. 558 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,734 - It was really a mistake. - A big mi-- I made it weirder. 559 00:20:33,052 --> 00:20:36,320 Is everyone in the world having sex but me?! 560 00:20:36,388 --> 00:20:37,922 Old people, foreigners, 561 00:20:37,989 --> 00:20:38,956 nerds. 562 00:20:39,024 --> 00:20:40,557 Everyone's banging. 563 00:20:40,625 --> 00:20:42,159 Schmidt and Jess?! 564 00:20:42,227 --> 00:20:43,493 Everyone is out there 565 00:20:43,561 --> 00:20:45,629 getting and giving except for old Winnie. 566 00:20:45,696 --> 00:20:46,863 Look at me-- 567 00:20:46,932 --> 00:20:50,234 a man who has absolutely nothing. 568 00:20:50,302 --> 00:20:52,302 I left my phone, my wallet, 569 00:20:52,369 --> 00:20:55,038 and my dignity at Daisy's house. 570 00:20:55,105 --> 00:20:57,473 I even left my pants there-- look at this. 571 00:20:57,541 --> 00:20:58,975 (All laughing) Yum. Yum. 572 00:20:59,043 --> 00:21:02,376 I need a win, damn it, I need a win. 573 00:21:07,083 --> 00:21:09,251 You need a win, pal. 574 00:21:09,319 --> 00:21:11,286 (Laughs) 575 00:21:11,354 --> 00:21:12,754 Yeah. 576 00:21:12,822 --> 00:21:14,722 It's a little tight in here. 577 00:21:14,790 --> 00:21:16,191 Are you sure this isn't too tight? 578 00:21:20,896 --> 00:21:23,597 Okay, um... 579 00:21:23,665 --> 00:21:25,799 (Car alarm blaring) Uh-uh, this ain't gonna work. 580 00:21:25,867 --> 00:21:27,068 This ain't gonna work for me. 581 00:21:27,135 --> 00:21:28,035 Uh, 582 00:21:28,103 --> 00:21:30,004 I'm stuck. 583 00:21:30,005 --> 00:21:32,273 Guys, hey, guys. 584 00:21:32,341 --> 00:21:33,607 Hey, where y'all...? 585 00:21:33,675 --> 00:21:36,243 Guys... guys... 586 00:21:36,811 --> 00:21:40,945 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 587 00:21:37,111 --> 00:21:38,445 Guys! 588 00:21:38,811 --> 00:21:40,945 Hello?