1
00:00:05,849 --> 00:00:07,350
Oh, my God! What is that?
2
00:00:07,368 --> 00:00:09,535
I don't want to hear it, okay?
My mother sent it to me.
3
00:00:09,570 --> 00:00:10,653
It belonged to my father.
4
00:00:10,687 --> 00:00:12,071
We have the same exact butt.
5
00:00:12,122 --> 00:00:14,523
- What are you wearing?
- What are you wearing?
6
00:00:14,541 --> 00:00:16,315
I'm dressed for my Booty
Burn Boot Camp class.
7
00:00:16,341 --> 00:00:17,435
I know what you're thinking.
8
00:00:17,461 --> 00:00:19,362
It's not because I need it.
I go to inspire the others.
9
00:00:19,380 --> 00:00:21,881
Please take that thing off.
You look like a homeless pencil.
10
00:00:21,915 --> 00:00:23,549
I will not take it off.
I have a pass.
11
00:00:23,584 --> 00:00:26,202
- A pass? What kind of pass?
- A Dead Dad Pass.
12
00:00:26,220 --> 00:00:28,204
Which means I can do
what I want when I want
13
00:00:28,222 --> 00:00:29,872
and no one can say
anything about it.
14
00:00:29,890 --> 00:00:33,176
Like right now, I want to
tap dance, and you, Jess,
15
00:00:33,210 --> 00:00:35,595
you cannot tell me
that this isn't tap.
16
00:00:40,766 --> 00:00:42,399
Nick, that's just not tap!
17
00:00:42,436 --> 00:00:44,387
- My dad died!
- I'm sorry. It's just not.
18
00:00:44,405 --> 00:00:47,523
Hey, y'all.
Look at these fancy invites.
19
00:00:47,557 --> 00:00:49,442
Do you think it's to a gala event?
I've always wanted to go
20
00:00:49,493 --> 00:00:50,893
- to a gala event.
- Yeah.
21
00:00:50,911 --> 00:00:52,412
What the hell are you wearing?
22
00:00:52,446 --> 00:00:53,613
Dead Dad Pass.
23
00:00:53,664 --> 00:00:55,064
Oh, my God! It's Cece's wedding.
24
00:00:55,582 --> 00:00:56,699
Wait a minute.
25
00:00:56,733 --> 00:00:58,618
It's in three weeks?
26
00:00:58,969 --> 00:01:00,953
- She didn't tell me it was in three weeks.
- Cece didn't
27
00:01:01,005 --> 00:01:03,122
give me a plus-one. How dare
she not give me a plus-one.
28
00:01:03,173 --> 00:01:05,408
You can't invite an ex
to a wedding and not give him
29
00:01:05,426 --> 00:01:07,877
the dignity of consolation sex.
Girl better recognize.
30
00:01:07,911 --> 00:01:10,096
Schmidty gonna go get
his plus-one.
31
00:01:11,748 --> 00:01:13,916
Ew, Nick, what are you doing?
32
00:01:14,934 --> 00:01:16,386
Dead Dad Pass.
33
00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:19,439
♪ Hey, girl
34
00:01:19,473 --> 00:01:21,557
♪ What you doing?
35
00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:24,593
♪ Hey, girl
36
00:01:25,111 --> 00:01:27,397
♪ Where you going?
37
00:01:27,431 --> 00:01:29,949
♪ Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
38
00:01:29,983 --> 00:01:31,451
♪ Who's that girl?
39
00:01:31,485 --> 00:01:34,270
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess.
40
00:01:34,271 --> 00:01:38,374
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
41
00:01:38,375 --> 00:01:41,244
I have not technically been
asked to be maid of honor,
42
00:01:41,278 --> 00:01:42,778
but I am throwing Cece's
43
00:01:42,796 --> 00:01:45,081
surprise bachelorette party
here tonight,
44
00:01:45,115 --> 00:01:47,583
and the only males invited
are strippers,
45
00:01:47,617 --> 00:01:50,002
so oil up or get out, guys.
46
00:01:50,754 --> 00:01:52,922
Seriously though, this is
a really big deal for her.
47
00:01:52,956 --> 00:01:54,807
Some girls plan their weddings,
48
00:01:54,842 --> 00:01:56,759
Cece planned
her bachelorette party.
49
00:01:56,793 --> 00:01:59,679
I want to have the dirtiest
bachelorette party of all time.
50
00:01:59,730 --> 00:02:01,630
Then you better have it
in a pigpen.
51
00:02:03,901 --> 00:02:05,968
No, I mean I want strippers
and a mechanical bull
52
00:02:05,986 --> 00:02:07,603
and balloons in the
shape of ding dongs,
53
00:02:07,637 --> 00:02:09,198
and I want to wear
the kind of underwear
54
00:02:09,239 --> 00:02:11,274
that goes between your cheeks.
55
00:02:11,308 --> 00:02:12,808
I'm also gonna need your help.
56
00:02:12,826 --> 00:02:13,943
- Oh, God. We could've left.
- See. You know what?
57
00:02:13,977 --> 00:02:15,661
We had ample opportunity
to leave.
58
00:02:15,696 --> 00:02:17,330
- I saw it coming miles away and did nothing.
- Me, too.
59
00:02:17,364 --> 00:02:18,814
No. I just need you
to kidnap Shivrang
60
00:02:18,832 --> 00:02:20,450
so I can get Cece alone.
61
00:02:20,484 --> 00:02:22,034
Roughhouse him a little bit,
drop him off in the desert
62
00:02:22,086 --> 00:02:23,286
till he don't breathe no more?
63
00:02:24,421 --> 00:02:26,005
What?!
64
00:02:26,039 --> 00:02:27,490
I'm so happy
65
00:02:27,508 --> 00:02:28,875
you guys could come help.
66
00:02:28,926 --> 00:02:30,393
All the way from India.
67
00:02:33,179 --> 00:02:35,512
Aw, look at all the ladies
bonding.
68
00:02:36,049 --> 00:02:38,634
This is so exciting.
You know, Grandmother
69
00:02:38,668 --> 00:02:41,001
and Ankita Auntie just couldn't
wait to meet you.
70
00:02:41,568 --> 00:02:42,522
Yeah...
71
00:02:44,023 --> 00:02:45,691
Just a little overwhelmed.
72
00:02:45,726 --> 00:02:47,026
- I'm gonna take a...
- I know.
73
00:02:48,060 --> 00:02:49,111
Wait, listen.
74
00:02:49,112 --> 00:02:50,813
Look, babe. Just think.
75
00:02:50,847 --> 00:02:52,482
When all of this madness
is over,
76
00:02:52,516 --> 00:02:54,567
you and I will finally get to,
you know...
77
00:02:56,019 --> 00:02:57,820
What are you doing?
78
00:02:57,854 --> 00:02:59,822
- Freaking me out.
- You know, make love.
79
00:02:59,856 --> 00:03:02,208
Which I am personally
looking forward to greatly.
80
00:03:02,242 --> 00:03:04,410
And we'll already
be married forever.
81
00:03:04,461 --> 00:03:06,302
I'll-I'll get it.
82
00:03:08,298 --> 00:03:10,699
Hello... Shivrang? What
are you doing here?
83
00:03:10,717 --> 00:03:12,752
I, uh...
You stole my question.
84
00:03:12,803 --> 00:03:13,796
Hi. How are you doing?
85
00:03:13,822 --> 00:03:15,555
My invitation didn't
have a plus-one.
86
00:03:15,589 --> 00:03:17,039
If this is a mistake,
I would just like an apology
87
00:03:17,057 --> 00:03:18,418
for the pain
that you've caused me.
88
00:03:18,425 --> 00:03:20,343
Also reimbursement
for all travel expenses.
89
00:03:20,377 --> 00:03:22,178
Not a mistake.
There's no plus-one.
90
00:03:22,212 --> 00:03:23,712
- Who is this?
- I'm Gérard Depardieu.
91
00:03:23,730 --> 00:03:25,881
Do you think I am, lady?
I'm Schmidt.
92
00:03:25,899 --> 00:03:29,232
- Get in my room right now, Schmidt. Move.
- I'm going to your room right now.
93
00:03:31,255 --> 00:03:33,222
Hey, you listen to me. That is
my future family, okay?
94
00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:35,057
You cannot speak like that
in front of them.
95
00:03:35,075 --> 00:03:38,408
And, no, you cannot
have a plus-one.
96
00:03:38,495 --> 00:03:40,530
This wedding has a budget.
97
00:03:40,564 --> 00:03:43,897
Plus-ones are for spouses
and serious partners only.
98
00:03:44,901 --> 00:03:47,253
So you just assume that I won't
have a serious partner by then?
99
00:03:47,287 --> 00:03:48,621
I know for a fact you won't,
okay? You're not
100
00:03:48,672 --> 00:03:49,922
a relationship guy,
and that is fine.
101
00:03:49,957 --> 00:03:51,574
I can do anything I put
my mind to.
102
00:03:51,592 --> 00:03:53,092
I once figured out
Alyssa Milano's phone number
103
00:03:53,126 --> 00:03:54,743
just by randomly
choosing numbers.
104
00:03:54,761 --> 00:03:56,745
Every girl that
I've ever slept with
105
00:03:56,763 --> 00:03:59,131
wants to be my girlfriend.
It's just the way that it is.
106
00:03:59,183 --> 00:04:01,551
If you have a real girlfriend
by the time of the wedding,
107
00:04:01,585 --> 00:04:03,553
- I will happily give you a plus-one.
- Challenge accepted.
108
00:04:03,587 --> 00:04:04,150
Not a challenge.
109
00:04:04,176 --> 00:04:05,830
Time to go make some
dreams come true.
110
00:04:05,856 --> 00:04:07,657
I...
111
00:04:07,691 --> 00:04:09,108
Hey, ladies.
112
00:04:09,142 --> 00:04:11,760
I just want to thank you all
for coming on such short notice
113
00:04:11,778 --> 00:04:14,247
- for Cece's last night of freedom.
- Hi, models.
114
00:04:14,281 --> 00:04:15,931
- Hi.
- I'm a lawyer.
115
00:04:15,949 --> 00:04:16,949
Hi.
116
00:04:16,984 --> 00:04:17,817
I'm Sadie.
117
00:04:17,868 --> 00:04:19,051
I'm a lesbian.
118
00:04:19,086 --> 00:04:20,436
- Hi.
- Hi, lesbian.
119
00:04:20,454 --> 00:04:23,439
I'm 39 weeks large right now.
120
00:04:23,957 --> 00:04:26,075
I can't stand
for more than 60 seconds
121
00:04:26,109 --> 00:04:29,442
but just wanted to say
I'm-I'm so excited to be raging
122
00:04:29,546 --> 00:04:31,280
with you all.
123
00:04:31,298 --> 00:04:34,500
So bring on the cranberry juice,
right?
124
00:04:34,551 --> 00:04:35,951
I need this.
125
00:04:35,969 --> 00:04:37,587
It's really weird.
126
00:04:37,621 --> 00:04:38,921
You're acting really weird.
127
00:04:38,955 --> 00:04:40,789
- So many models.
- I know. I know.
128
00:04:40,807 --> 00:04:42,291
So many.
129
00:04:42,309 --> 00:04:43,926
You can look. Don't touch.
130
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,145
One more thing?
I am a doctor
131
00:04:46,179 --> 00:04:48,981
if anyone's got any areas
they want... looked at.
132
00:04:49,016 --> 00:04:51,317
I'm fine to take a peek.
That's too much.
133
00:04:51,351 --> 00:04:53,102
Don't make me call your wife.
134
00:04:53,136 --> 00:04:55,137
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
135
00:04:55,172 --> 00:04:58,505
Cece's here. Everybody
assume surprise positions!
136
00:05:02,078 --> 00:05:04,530
She's coming. Cece'soming.
137
00:05:04,581 --> 00:05:06,515
I don't get what's happening.
138
00:05:06,550 --> 00:05:07,633
I'm just gonna run upstairs
139
00:05:07,668 --> 00:05:09,669
and quickly grab a CD from Jess.
140
00:05:09,703 --> 00:05:12,655
- I'll come, too.
- That's okay. I... I'll be really fast.
141
00:05:12,673 --> 00:05:13,973
I want to see
what your friends are like.
142
00:05:14,007 --> 00:05:15,824
- Have fun.
- Okay.
143
00:05:15,842 --> 00:05:18,678
- It's gonna be great. It's just Jess.
- Okay.
144
00:05:19,212 --> 00:05:20,680
Bye.
145
00:05:21,214 --> 00:05:22,715
I-I'll be right here.
146
00:05:26,970 --> 00:05:28,337
- Hey.
- Whoa.
147
00:05:28,355 --> 00:05:30,473
Hey, Nick. Sorry,
I thought you were Jane Lynch.
148
00:05:30,507 --> 00:05:33,075
- Jane Lynch. Nice... nice wheels, man.
- Yeah, thank you.
149
00:05:33,110 --> 00:05:34,567
- I'm a bit of a car man myself.
- Right on.
150
00:05:34,593 --> 00:05:36,253
- Well, you know I decided to...
- Good for you.
151
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,681
Too far!
152
00:05:38,699 --> 00:05:40,349
Winston! Oh, take the car.
Take the car.
153
00:05:40,367 --> 00:05:42,485
I'm gonna beat your ass
with an athletic stick, boy!
154
00:05:42,519 --> 00:05:44,570
Winston! Winston!
155
00:05:44,621 --> 00:05:46,706
Jess said to kidnap him,
so that's what I'm doing.
156
00:05:46,740 --> 00:05:48,357
It's a figure of speech,
you idiot.
157
00:05:48,375 --> 00:05:50,025
- You nervous?
- Uh-huh.
158
00:05:51,544 --> 00:05:54,196
- Surprise!
- Surprise!
159
00:05:54,214 --> 00:05:56,215
It's your bachelorette party!
160
00:05:56,249 --> 00:05:58,050
- Jess, I...
- Love it? I know.
161
00:05:58,085 --> 00:05:59,702
Complete
with your favorite game,
162
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:01,370
Pin the Dong on the Shivrang!
163
00:06:01,988 --> 00:06:05,721
Pin the dong! Pin the dong!
164
00:06:06,310 --> 00:06:08,177
- Oh. Hello.
- Oh.
165
00:06:08,211 --> 00:06:11,680
Um, Jess, this is Ankita-ji,
166
00:06:11,714 --> 00:06:14,547
Shivrang's aunt
all the way from India.
167
00:06:15,235 --> 00:06:16,719
Hello.
168
00:06:16,737 --> 00:06:18,938
Ankita-ji, this is Jess,
169
00:06:18,989 --> 00:06:20,269
my non-blood related
best friend.
170
00:06:20,273 --> 00:06:23,606
Welcome... to California.
171
00:06:24,077 --> 00:06:25,894
May I please use your restroom?
172
00:06:25,912 --> 00:06:27,730
I need to wash my hands.
173
00:06:27,748 --> 00:06:29,898
Yes, of course. It's down
the hall. Um, also
174
00:06:29,916 --> 00:06:32,918
there's a very sexually
aggressive message on the mirror
175
00:06:32,953 --> 00:06:34,920
and I apologize for that.
176
00:06:36,757 --> 00:06:38,829
- Pin the dong.
- Pin it.
177
00:06:38,855 --> 00:06:40,115
I can't.
178
00:06:40,627 --> 00:06:42,094
Come on, Cece.
Get the bull's-eye.
179
00:06:44,263 --> 00:06:45,581
I haven't seen Shivrang's penis.
180
00:06:48,985 --> 00:06:50,102
Oh.
181
00:06:50,137 --> 00:06:51,303
It's that small?
182
00:06:52,972 --> 00:06:55,424
You still know
where it goes though.
183
00:06:58,074 --> 00:07:00,558
It just hit me. I'm about
to commit the rest of my life
184
00:07:00,592 --> 00:07:02,126
to a man
that I have never seen naked.
185
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,078
Cece, chances are he has, like,
186
00:07:04,112 --> 00:07:06,463
a standard
garden-variety penis.
187
00:07:06,998 --> 00:07:09,416
And if we're all really
honest with ourselves,
188
00:07:09,450 --> 00:07:12,136
isn't it all about the gonads?
189
00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:14,955
- Am I right, ladies?
- No.
190
00:07:14,973 --> 00:07:17,291
I'm trying to
make her feel better.
191
00:07:17,309 --> 00:07:19,677
And Ankita cannot hear anything
about this, all right?
192
00:07:19,728 --> 00:07:22,129
She will not understand.
You guys have to promise
193
00:07:22,147 --> 00:07:24,815
to keep it G-rated tonight.
194
00:07:24,849 --> 00:07:26,650
Cece, you've dreamt
of this party your whole life.
195
00:07:26,685 --> 00:07:28,102
I wouldn't want to change it.
196
00:07:28,136 --> 00:07:30,104
- No.
- Really?
197
00:07:30,138 --> 00:07:31,855
- I can't.
- Really?
198
00:07:31,907 --> 00:07:33,140
I can't.
199
00:07:34,858 --> 00:07:35,376
Okay.
200
00:07:35,410 --> 00:07:37,611
Cece, what if it looks
like an old carrot?
201
00:07:37,645 --> 00:07:39,479
What if it's curly?
202
00:07:39,497 --> 00:07:41,332
- Oh, God.
- If he's using it right,
203
00:07:41,366 --> 00:07:44,518
no one's seeing his penis.
204
00:07:44,553 --> 00:07:47,121
Okay, I'm gonna fix this.
205
00:07:47,155 --> 00:07:50,488
So, if Jess is throwing Cece
a surprise bachelorette party,
206
00:07:50,508 --> 00:07:52,876
does that make this
my surprise bachelor party?
207
00:07:52,928 --> 00:07:54,345
You shut that pretty mouth
of yours, Romeo,
208
00:07:54,379 --> 00:07:56,213
before I fill it with fire!
209
00:07:56,264 --> 00:07:58,882
Hey, you got to ease up, Winston.
210
00:07:58,916 --> 00:08:00,017
I got to go.
211
00:08:00,051 --> 00:08:02,376
- Oh, no, no, no. No, don't.
- I got a call.
212
00:08:02,402 --> 00:08:03,212
Please.
213
00:08:05,506 --> 00:08:08,225
I need a picture
of Shivrang's penis.
214
00:08:08,276 --> 00:08:11,511
- Dead Dad Pass! New topic!
- Cece's really freaking out.
215
00:08:11,529 --> 00:08:14,014
- She hasn't seen his penis.
- For the love of God,
216
00:08:14,032 --> 00:08:15,515
Dead Dad Pass.
217
00:08:15,533 --> 00:08:16,650
And I need it to scale,
218
00:08:16,684 --> 00:08:18,152
so please put, like,
219
00:08:18,186 --> 00:08:20,354
a nickel or a big toe
220
00:08:20,372 --> 00:08:23,705
or a golf pencil in there
for reference.
221
00:08:23,908 --> 00:08:25,492
It's not gonna happen!
222
00:08:25,526 --> 00:08:26,860
One picture
and you can come home.
223
00:08:26,878 --> 00:08:28,912
Give me 20 minutes.
224
00:08:29,764 --> 00:08:32,445
If you want to end this, we need to
get a photo of Shivrang's penis.
225
00:08:32,467 --> 00:08:34,418
- There it is.
- Cool.
226
00:08:34,469 --> 00:08:37,721
Hey, Shivrang!
We're liars, man!
227
00:08:37,756 --> 00:08:39,223
We are throwing you
228
00:08:39,257 --> 00:08:42,059
a good old-fashioned
American bachelor party!
229
00:08:42,093 --> 00:08:43,028
Whoops!
230
00:08:43,093 --> 00:08:44,428
Bachelor party! Yeah!
231
00:08:44,479 --> 00:08:47,714
- Whoa! Whoa
- Hey! What are you...
232
00:08:47,732 --> 00:08:49,366
What is wrong with you?!
233
00:08:49,401 --> 00:08:51,385
♪ Come on, come on
♪ Yeah... ♪
234
00:08:52,403 --> 00:08:53,553
I know.
235
00:08:53,571 --> 00:08:55,522
Why don't we talk about
some of the things
236
00:08:55,556 --> 00:08:57,024
that we love about Shivrang?
237
00:08:57,558 --> 00:08:58,725
I'll start. Um...
238
00:08:59,243 --> 00:09:01,011
he has really good
taste in magazines.
239
00:09:01,012 --> 00:09:03,563
- This sucks!
- Boring!
240
00:09:03,581 --> 00:09:04,149
So lame.
241
00:09:04,175 --> 00:09:06,421
Jess, let's put in the slideshow
that you made for Cece.
242
00:09:06,451 --> 00:09:07,734
No, I don't think
that's a good idea.
243
00:09:07,752 --> 00:09:10,237
- Yes! Time for porn cinema.
- No!
244
00:09:10,255 --> 00:09:12,089
Oh, my God, no!
245
00:09:12,123 --> 00:09:14,875
- Oh...
- Oh, my God. No. Guys, guys...
246
00:09:15,999 --> 00:09:18,242
How are we gonna get a
picture of Shivrang's junk?
247
00:09:20,197 --> 00:09:21,965
Well, spoiler alert:
248
00:09:22,017 --> 00:09:23,801
- Women are liars.
- Yeah. Yeah.
249
00:09:23,852 --> 00:09:25,636
They're supposed to want
commitment, right?
250
00:09:26,187 --> 00:09:28,639
But then I offer it to them
on a silver platter
251
00:09:28,690 --> 00:09:31,091
and they throw it back
in my face like a comedy pie.
252
00:09:31,109 --> 00:09:33,260
I know this is awkward
because we slept together,
253
00:09:33,278 --> 00:09:34,445
and I never returned
254
00:09:34,479 --> 00:09:35,779
any of your phone calls,
255
00:09:35,814 --> 00:09:37,264
so this might come
as a shock to you,
256
00:09:37,282 --> 00:09:39,950
but... will you
be my girlfriend?
257
00:09:40,984 --> 00:09:42,403
Oh, God.
258
00:09:42,437 --> 00:09:45,406
I thought you had herpes.
259
00:09:45,940 --> 00:09:48,709
But no to the girlfriend,
you dick.
260
00:09:49,777 --> 00:09:51,328
Do you remember two years ago
261
00:09:51,379 --> 00:09:53,464
when we were watching coverage
of the BP oil spill
262
00:09:53,498 --> 00:09:55,115
and doing it
during the commercials
263
00:09:55,133 --> 00:09:57,334
and then you asked me if
I wanted a serious relationship
264
00:09:57,335 --> 00:10:00,087
and I laughed in your face?
265
00:10:00,121 --> 00:10:03,454
Well, my new answer... is yes.
266
00:10:05,894 --> 00:10:07,177
Be my girlfriend!
267
00:10:10,482 --> 00:10:12,466
What's that all about?
268
00:10:13,901 --> 00:10:16,103
Cream cheese in bulk?
269
00:10:16,137 --> 00:10:17,471
I mean, it's possible
that Cece's right.
270
00:10:17,489 --> 00:10:18,939
I mean, maybe I'm just not
271
00:10:19,473 --> 00:10:21,442
a serious relationship
kind of guy.
272
00:10:21,476 --> 00:10:22,609
What are you talking about?
273
00:10:22,643 --> 00:10:24,611
You dated Elizabeth
for, like...
274
00:10:24,645 --> 00:10:26,113
- for years.
- Yeah.
275
00:10:26,147 --> 00:10:27,698
Elizabeth?
276
00:10:27,749 --> 00:10:29,700
Yeah, but Elizabeth
doesn't count.
277
00:10:29,751 --> 00:10:31,335
She was during
my "Big Guy" period.
278
00:10:32,871 --> 00:10:35,172
So you like the foot rub?
Softer? Harder?
279
00:10:35,206 --> 00:10:36,540
That's perfect, Big Guy.
280
00:10:36,591 --> 00:10:38,509
Look at all these little toes.
281
00:10:38,543 --> 00:10:41,795
All my little toesies feel so
good when you rub 'em, though.
282
00:10:41,829 --> 00:10:44,548
This little... this
little one went to market.
283
00:10:44,599 --> 00:10:46,049
If Elizabeth doesn't count,
284
00:10:46,101 --> 00:10:48,385
then why is it seared
into my brain forever?
285
00:10:48,436 --> 00:10:50,020
You were awfully
salty about that.
286
00:10:50,054 --> 00:10:51,004
She counts.
287
00:10:51,022 --> 00:10:52,339
We need to make Cece jealous,
288
00:10:52,357 --> 00:10:53,724
and I don't think that's the route
we want to take.
289
00:10:53,775 --> 00:10:55,008
Then go to the wedding alone.
290
00:10:55,026 --> 00:10:56,810
- Oh.
- Well, then, go with Elizabeth.
291
00:10:56,844 --> 00:10:58,529
Great idea, Winston.
I'm gonna ask Elizabeth.
292
00:10:58,563 --> 00:11:00,731
Yeah. You were of no help
to me, Nick.
293
00:11:00,782 --> 00:11:02,516
That's what... my whole
thing about the whole thing
294
00:11:02,534 --> 00:11:04,067
with Elizabeth was that
I was also suggesting...
295
00:11:04,119 --> 00:11:05,819
- Thanks, guys.
- You're an idiot, dude.
296
00:11:05,853 --> 00:11:07,204
You're the worst.
You guys were...
297
00:11:07,238 --> 00:11:08,489
How did you know we were here?
298
00:11:08,523 --> 00:11:11,208
Oh! Oh, I just couldn't decide.
299
00:11:11,242 --> 00:11:13,076
Your country's refusal
to embrace Robbie Williams
300
00:11:13,128 --> 00:11:14,545
will forever baffle me.
301
00:11:14,579 --> 00:11:16,046
Well, I got to say,
we're really glad
302
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:17,548
you're back at the table
with us, Shivrang.
303
00:11:17,582 --> 00:11:19,533
- Shivrung.
- Let's play a classic
304
00:11:19,551 --> 00:11:21,885
- bachelor party game right now.
- Mm-hmm, all right.
305
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:23,837
- I'm gonna take a photo of my junk.
- Oh, no, you're not.
306
00:11:23,871 --> 00:11:24,371
Yeah, I am.
307
00:11:24,397 --> 00:11:26,373
- What?
- 'Cause this is what we do in America, Shivrang.
308
00:11:26,391 --> 00:11:27,591
- Don't think that's much of a competition
- Oh...
309
00:11:27,642 --> 00:11:29,563
I work here. It doesn't matter.
They're not gonna fire me.
310
00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:30,043
Oh, okay.
311
00:11:30,061 --> 00:11:31,428
Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
312
00:11:31,479 --> 00:11:33,013
- Okay. Yup.
- Just...
313
00:11:33,047 --> 00:11:35,065
That is my junk
in a photo. Okay.
314
00:11:35,099 --> 00:11:36,733
It's your turn, Shivrang.
Take a photo of your junk.
315
00:11:36,768 --> 00:11:37,851
Oh, no. No, thanks.
316
00:11:37,885 --> 00:11:38,936
We're all doing it.
317
00:11:38,987 --> 00:11:40,555
- No, it's not... Absolutely not.
- I'm begging you.
318
00:11:40,581 --> 00:11:41,964
But I will get us
another round of drinks.
319
00:11:41,990 --> 00:11:42,906
- Take the photo...
- Take the picture, Shivrang.
320
00:11:42,941 --> 00:11:44,691
Who fancies a shandy?
321
00:11:44,725 --> 00:11:45,725
What the hell is that?
322
00:11:45,743 --> 00:11:47,394
It's a drink.
323
00:11:47,412 --> 00:11:50,364
Two for you guys
coming right up.
324
00:11:51,248 --> 00:11:52,866
Cece actually designed
that toilet.
325
00:11:54,085 --> 00:11:55,902
Cece was a volunteer nurse,
and, um...
326
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:58,705
No bottoms?
327
00:11:59,239 --> 00:12:02,072
You know, what-what happens
in Orlando stays in Orlando.
328
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:03,544
Nadia,
329
00:12:03,578 --> 00:12:04,628
seriously, turn it off.
330
00:12:06,579 --> 00:12:07,965
Cece, is this how you like
331
00:12:08,016 --> 00:12:09,416
to spend time with your friends?
332
00:12:09,434 --> 00:12:11,418
Is this the kind of wife
you want to be?
333
00:12:11,436 --> 00:12:13,053
No, no. It's not at all, okay?
334
00:12:13,087 --> 00:12:14,754
I didn't even know
this party was happening.
335
00:12:14,772 --> 00:12:16,306
It was a surprise.
336
00:12:16,357 --> 00:12:18,809
I promise you,
this is so not me.
337
00:12:18,860 --> 00:12:21,428
I didn't want any of it.
338
00:12:26,266 --> 00:12:29,402
Cece, you wanted a bachelorette
party ever since I've known you.
339
00:12:29,436 --> 00:12:31,271
Why do you have to pretend
to be somebody you're not?
340
00:12:31,306 --> 00:12:32,192
What are you saying?
341
00:12:32,218 --> 00:12:34,608
I'm just saying, this is all
moving really, really fast,
342
00:12:34,626 --> 00:12:36,360
and maybe you need to get to
know Shivrang a little bit more,
343
00:12:36,412 --> 00:12:37,812
and maybe you need
to slow this down
344
00:12:37,910 --> 00:12:39,113
so he can get to know you.
345
00:12:39,447 --> 00:12:40,648
I'm getting married
in three weeks.
346
00:12:40,682 --> 00:12:43,002
Are you saying that I shouldn't
get married in three weeks?
347
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:45,636
- No. I'm just saying that maybe you should...
- I knew it! I knew it!
348
00:12:45,670 --> 00:12:48,305
You have been against this
wedding from the beginning.
349
00:12:48,339 --> 00:12:51,057
Fine! I don't think
you should marry Shivrang
350
00:12:51,075 --> 00:12:54,060
if it means you
have to change who you are.
351
00:12:56,514 --> 00:12:58,298
Yeah, well, I don't need
to take relationship advice
352
00:12:58,316 --> 00:13:00,350
from a girl who's in the middle
of a seventh grade debacle
353
00:13:00,401 --> 00:13:02,102
with a boy across the hall!
354
00:13:02,136 --> 00:13:04,688
- Oh!
- "Oh, I'm a single adult, and I kissed another
355
00:13:04,739 --> 00:13:06,656
single adult.
What's gonna happen?"
356
00:13:06,690 --> 00:13:07,608
"Does Nick like me?
357
00:13:07,642 --> 00:13:09,476
"I better go pick out
a party dress.
358
00:13:09,494 --> 00:13:11,311
- I wear pajama sets!"
- You question
359
00:13:11,329 --> 00:13:14,314
my pajamas, you make me question
our entire friendship.
360
00:13:14,332 --> 00:13:14,975
Let's say it, Jess!
361
00:13:15,001 --> 00:13:16,667
You never asked me to
be your maid of honor.
362
00:13:16,701 --> 00:13:18,001
It's awful hot in here.
363
00:13:18,036 --> 00:13:19,119
Who wants to cool down
364
00:13:19,153 --> 00:13:20,537
with a double scoop
365
00:13:20,588 --> 00:13:22,005
of Alfredo?
366
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,324
- Not now, Alfredo!
- Seriously?
367
00:13:24,342 --> 00:13:26,176
♪ I'll take you
to the candy shop ♪
368
00:13:26,910 --> 00:13:29,543
♪ I'll let you lick
the lollipop ♪
369
00:13:29,647 --> 00:13:31,831
♪ Go ahead, girl,
don't you stop ♪
370
00:13:31,849 --> 00:13:33,800
♪ Keep going
till you hit the spot. ♪
371
00:13:36,170 --> 00:13:38,438
Congratulations, Cece.
372
00:13:41,419 --> 00:13:43,419
Well, chaps, I guess
we'll just have to make our own.
373
00:13:43,454 --> 00:13:45,705
But first, I have
to use the bathroom.
374
00:13:46,256 --> 00:13:48,657
See you in a minute.
This is fun.
375
00:13:48,675 --> 00:13:50,094
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
376
00:13:51,075 --> 00:13:51,994
Yeah.
377
00:13:52,829 --> 00:13:54,964
- Fire...!
- Oh!
378
00:13:54,998 --> 00:13:57,133
- Real fire. This fire is real.
- Fire!
379
00:13:57,167 --> 00:13:58,334
Whoa!
380
00:13:58,352 --> 00:13:59,969
What are you doing? You were
supposed to take the picture.
381
00:14:00,003 --> 00:14:01,387
Aah! It's burning so fast!
382
00:14:01,438 --> 00:14:03,839
- Go put it out!
- You... Oh!
383
00:14:03,857 --> 00:14:06,025
Look, you guys are acting
really, really peculiar.
384
00:14:06,026 --> 00:14:06,943
What is going on?
385
00:14:06,977 --> 00:14:10,229
What is going on...
is that, uh...
386
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:12,949
recently I've been
one-half orphaned.
387
00:14:13,983 --> 00:14:14,743
- I'm sorry.
- My-my
388
00:14:14,785 --> 00:14:16,152
dad passed away.
389
00:14:16,186 --> 00:14:17,536
We orphans, man!
390
00:14:17,571 --> 00:14:19,038
And it would mean the world
391
00:14:19,072 --> 00:14:21,373
to us-- not so much--
392
00:14:21,408 --> 00:14:23,042
- if, uh...
- I miss Walt so much.
393
00:14:23,076 --> 00:14:24,710
If we can get a
photo of your penis.
394
00:14:24,744 --> 00:14:26,412
Wait. What? I'm sor...
395
00:14:26,463 --> 00:14:27,663
It would help with the
grieving, it would just...
396
00:14:27,697 --> 00:14:28,798
For Walt, man.
397
00:14:28,832 --> 00:14:29,915
All right, all right, enough!
398
00:14:29,966 --> 00:14:31,300
Okay.
399
00:14:31,334 --> 00:14:34,667
We need a photo
for... for Cece.
400
00:14:35,305 --> 00:14:35,922
Cece?
401
00:14:35,948 --> 00:14:38,390
Yeah. She's freaking out 'cause
she's never seen you naked.
402
00:14:38,425 --> 00:14:40,593
And she's afraid
it looks all funky.
403
00:14:40,644 --> 00:14:42,978
So just show us that it looks
regular, and we all go home.
404
00:14:43,013 --> 00:14:44,647
She's freaking out?
405
00:14:44,681 --> 00:14:47,016
Look, guys, I've-I've got to go.
406
00:14:47,050 --> 00:14:49,101
I have... I have to talk to her.
407
00:14:49,152 --> 00:14:51,404
Oh, you're... We're all in
the same car. Ugh!
408
00:14:51,438 --> 00:14:53,072
You know, I'm gonna
take care of this.
409
00:14:53,106 --> 00:14:54,240
How are you gonna take of this?
410
00:14:54,274 --> 00:14:56,409
Crop, rotate,
rotate... and send.
411
00:14:56,443 --> 00:14:57,911
- What are you doing?
- I mean, this.
412
00:14:57,945 --> 00:14:59,471
- I just send a picture of your penis to Jess
- No!
413
00:14:59,497 --> 00:15:00,997
- ...and told her it was Shivrang's.
- No!
414
00:15:01,032 --> 00:15:03,032
- So now, we good.
- You did not just do that.
415
00:15:03,066 --> 00:15:04,500
Oh.
416
00:15:05,769 --> 00:15:08,253
- Shivrang.
- What, Shivrang? Shivrang, what?
417
00:15:08,288 --> 00:15:09,755
- What?
- No, nothing. It's nothing. Don't.
418
00:15:09,789 --> 00:15:11,840
- Oh, my God.
- "Shivrang's Shiv"?
419
00:15:11,874 --> 00:15:13,892
You got your idiot roommates to kidnap
420
00:15:13,943 --> 00:15:16,260
- my fiancé to take a picture of his penis?
- Well, you were freaking out!
421
00:15:16,261 --> 00:15:18,262
Well, see...
Three more weeks of winter.
422
00:15:18,315 --> 00:15:19,432
Oh, my God.
423
00:15:20,467 --> 00:15:22,718
- What are you doing?
- Get out!
424
00:15:22,769 --> 00:15:26,102
Sorry. I'm so sorry.
I immediately regret that.
425
00:15:26,106 --> 00:15:27,808
- Show me!
- Okay.
426
00:15:35,615 --> 00:15:39,401
You are scared because you haven't seen
your future husband's manhood?
427
00:15:39,652 --> 00:15:42,785
Where I come from,
women cry about this for days.
428
00:16:03,908 --> 00:16:05,010
This is real.
429
00:16:05,244 --> 00:16:06,979
This is not a dream.
430
00:16:08,214 --> 00:16:10,399
Look, I've kept off the weight.
431
00:16:10,433 --> 00:16:14,266
You knew me when action sandals
were my necessary footwear.
432
00:16:14,888 --> 00:16:16,989
- What do you want?
- Why do you think I want something?
433
00:16:17,024 --> 00:16:18,524
Because I dated
you for four years.
434
00:16:18,558 --> 00:16:20,826
I know when you want
something. What do you want?
435
00:16:20,861 --> 00:16:23,162
I would like to take you
to a wedding, because I miss you
436
00:16:23,196 --> 00:16:25,031
- so much...
- No, I can't take you seriously
437
00:16:25,065 --> 00:16:26,749
when you're wearing
such tight pants.
438
00:16:26,783 --> 00:16:28,501
Get to the point.
439
00:16:28,535 --> 00:16:32,368
Okay, look, my model
ex-girlfriend
440
00:16:32,456 --> 00:16:34,924
is getting married
to some small little Indian man
441
00:16:34,958 --> 00:16:36,425
who I just don't understand.
442
00:16:36,460 --> 00:16:39,461
Okay, and I want you
to pretend to be my girlfriend
443
00:16:39,512 --> 00:16:41,547
so she gets very sad, and then,
breaks off the wedding,
444
00:16:41,581 --> 00:16:42,965
and then, runs away with me.
445
00:16:43,016 --> 00:16:44,216
- No. Not a chance.
- No?
446
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:45,884
Wait, wait, wait, please.
447
00:16:45,936 --> 00:16:47,353
Elizabeth?
448
00:16:47,387 --> 00:16:49,104
I'm only gonna say this once.
449
00:16:49,139 --> 00:16:51,357
You were the greatest boyfriend.
450
00:16:51,391 --> 00:16:53,225
I loved Big Guy.
451
00:16:53,276 --> 00:16:56,609
But then, you lost weight,
and you got mean.
452
00:16:58,231 --> 00:17:00,733
You stopped listening to me.
453
00:17:00,784 --> 00:17:02,534
You changed completely.
454
00:17:03,069 --> 00:17:04,536
You stopped paying
for my dinner.
455
00:17:06,156 --> 00:17:08,123
Elizabeth, to be fair,
456
00:17:08,158 --> 00:17:11,410
at that point, you were eating
the lion's share of the food.
457
00:17:11,461 --> 00:17:13,629
And you were sitting there
eating one basil leaf,
458
00:17:13,663 --> 00:17:15,497
looking like an
idiot panda bear.
459
00:17:15,531 --> 00:17:18,717
- Well...
- Look, I loved Big Guy
460
00:17:18,752 --> 00:17:20,469
with all my heart.
461
00:17:20,503 --> 00:17:24,840
But I have no interest in helping the guy
who's standing in front of me now.
462
00:17:24,874 --> 00:17:28,207
I hate your hair.
463
00:17:28,328 --> 00:17:31,661
And I looked, and I looked, and
I couldn't find it. Where is it?
464
00:17:31,765 --> 00:17:33,148
And then, I realized,
465
00:17:33,183 --> 00:17:35,267
uh-oh.
466
00:17:35,318 --> 00:17:38,103
That is not his leg.
467
00:17:40,857 --> 00:17:43,025
Oh, hey, uh, Jess,
uh, please tell me...
468
00:17:43,059 --> 00:17:45,861
Hey... that nobody's looked
at your photos in your phone.
469
00:17:45,895 --> 00:17:48,163
Um... you're too late.
470
00:17:48,198 --> 00:17:49,415
Cece looked at it.
471
00:17:49,449 --> 00:17:51,700
We all looked at it.
472
00:17:51,734 --> 00:17:53,419
Prize hog, Shivrang.
473
00:17:53,453 --> 00:17:55,621
- Yeah...
- I'm so sorry
474
00:17:55,672 --> 00:17:57,089
- they made you do it.
- Oh, it's okay.
475
00:17:57,124 --> 00:17:58,941
Actually, it wasn't mine.
476
00:17:59,476 --> 00:18:00,984
- What?!
- What?! Whose was it?
477
00:18:01,011 --> 00:18:02,127
It was mine.
478
00:18:02,178 --> 00:18:04,263
What?! No way!
479
00:18:04,297 --> 00:18:05,798
- Yeah, it was, uh... Those were my privates.
- Are you serious?
480
00:18:05,849 --> 00:18:08,267
I'm serious. Give me my phone.
I want it back now.
481
00:18:08,301 --> 00:18:09,685
I have a Dead Dad Pass.
I have a Dead Dad Pass!
482
00:18:09,719 --> 00:18:11,053
No! No! It's my property!
483
00:18:11,087 --> 00:18:12,554
What is going on here?
484
00:18:12,588 --> 00:18:14,723
And why is Alfredo crying
in the elevator?
485
00:18:14,757 --> 00:18:17,559
- Hello, you.
- What's up, Nadia?
486
00:18:20,027 --> 00:18:22,778
It's just... it's just that
there's so much we don't know
487
00:18:22,779 --> 00:18:25,414
- about each other, and I...
- It's fine. That's it. I'm showing it to you.
488
00:18:25,448 --> 00:18:26,631
I'm showing you my software.
489
00:18:26,666 --> 00:18:28,500
No, no, no! No, no!
490
00:18:28,551 --> 00:18:30,135
- It's called hardware, Jack.
- Yeah.
491
00:18:30,169 --> 00:18:31,803
If it run, I catch it.
492
00:18:31,838 --> 00:18:33,518
I mean, I don't want to see it.
I do. Okay.
493
00:18:33,556 --> 00:18:36,141
But not-not... not here.
494
00:18:36,175 --> 00:18:37,759
I'm sorry.
495
00:18:37,794 --> 00:18:39,644
It's just, you know, I-I...
496
00:18:39,679 --> 00:18:41,797
Sometimes it feels like
we're just moving so fast,
497
00:18:41,831 --> 00:18:43,815
and I feel crazy
that we're just...
498
00:18:44,350 --> 00:18:47,683
jumping in blindly.
499
00:18:47,803 --> 00:18:50,588
But maybe that's what
makes this special.
500
00:18:51,123 --> 00:18:53,858
It's just a real
leap of faith, Shivrang.
501
00:18:53,909 --> 00:18:56,444
Yeah, uh, but look,
the first thing
502
00:18:56,478 --> 00:18:58,530
that you need to
know about me is
503
00:18:58,581 --> 00:19:01,649
that it's actually
pronounced Shivrung.
504
00:19:01,667 --> 00:19:03,788
I don't know how to
pronounce your name?!
505
00:19:03,814 --> 00:19:06,171
No, no. You were just so pretty,
I didn't want to correct you.
506
00:19:06,172 --> 00:19:07,539
But look, the most
important thing
507
00:19:07,573 --> 00:19:10,041
is that I am gonna do my best
508
00:19:10,075 --> 00:19:12,510
to make you the happiest woman
on the face of the earth.
509
00:19:20,553 --> 00:19:22,771
Shavvy's getting nasty.
510
00:19:23,305 --> 00:19:24,722
Shavvy a dog.
511
00:19:24,756 --> 00:19:25,890
Shavvy?
512
00:19:25,908 --> 00:19:27,425
We're friends now.
513
00:19:27,443 --> 00:19:29,110
Dead Dad Pass.
514
00:19:33,482 --> 00:19:34,115
Hey.
515
00:19:35,784 --> 00:19:37,702
Look, Cece...
516
00:19:37,737 --> 00:19:39,654
I just wanted to say that
517
00:19:39,705 --> 00:19:41,823
if I was ever selfish
in our relationship...
518
00:19:41,874 --> 00:19:44,442
What do you mean, "if," and what
do you mean, "relationship"?
519
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,612
That's fair. Um...
520
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,298
if I was...
521
00:19:50,332 --> 00:19:52,834
I sincerely apologize.
522
00:19:52,868 --> 00:19:56,170
So, challenge unaccepted.
I don't want a plus-one.
523
00:19:57,706 --> 00:19:59,507
I'm really happy for you.
524
00:19:59,541 --> 00:20:02,143
Thank you.
525
00:20:05,147 --> 00:20:06,365
Good night, Schmidt.
526
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,783
Schmidty out.
527
00:20:09,051 --> 00:20:10,985
- Hey.
- Hey.
528
00:20:11,020 --> 00:20:13,387
I just want to say, um,
I'm really sorry about...
529
00:20:13,405 --> 00:20:15,773
No. I'm-I'm...
I'm sorry.
530
00:20:16,324 --> 00:20:17,558
And there's, uh...
531
00:20:18,076 --> 00:20:20,078
There's something I've
been wanting to ask you.
532
00:20:20,112 --> 00:20:22,396
It's not traditional
in Indian weddings
533
00:20:22,414 --> 00:20:24,866
to have a maid of honor, but...
534
00:20:24,900 --> 00:20:27,401
I would really love it
if you would be mine.
535
00:20:27,419 --> 00:20:29,754
Yeah. I mean, I don't know...
536
00:20:29,788 --> 00:20:31,405
What?!
537
00:20:31,423 --> 00:20:34,756
Yes! Oh, my God, thank you
so much for asking me!
538
00:20:38,213 --> 00:20:40,748
I paid. All yours,
no judgments.
539
00:20:40,766 --> 00:20:42,300
Why'd you come back, Schmidt?
540
00:20:42,351 --> 00:20:44,052
The Big Guy is...
541
00:20:44,086 --> 00:20:45,970
Well, he's still
somewhere inside
542
00:20:46,021 --> 00:20:48,756
this... perfect body.
543
00:20:48,774 --> 00:20:51,559
He needs you to coax him out
a little bit.
544
00:20:51,593 --> 00:20:53,227
Please tell him
what to do next.
545
00:20:53,261 --> 00:20:54,212
Eat the pizza.
546
00:20:54,247 --> 00:20:56,030
Eat all the pizza...
547
00:20:56,065 --> 00:20:58,900
while I watch... right now.
548
00:21:00,434 --> 00:21:01,886
Okay.
549
00:21:03,605 --> 00:21:05,226
Oh. It's so greasy.
550
00:21:05,805 --> 00:21:07,226
So many carbs.
551
00:21:08,005 --> 00:21:10,226
Hey guys...
Oh boy.
552
00:21:11,952 --> 00:21:14,754
Welcome home, melted cheese.
553
00:21:15,088 --> 00:21:17,239
Oh.
554
00:21:20,845 --> 00:21:23,296
I don't even know
what pepperoni's made of.
555
00:21:23,347 --> 00:21:25,598
It's so good.
556
00:21:25,633 --> 00:21:27,434
Is that your happy
dance, big boy?
557
00:21:27,468 --> 00:21:29,385
I love it.
558
00:21:29,419 --> 00:21:30,937
- Oh, there he is.
- Yup.
559
00:21:30,971 --> 00:21:32,921
There's my big guy.
560
00:21:32,939 --> 00:21:35,274
It's like waking up
from a bad salad dream.
561
00:21:35,309 --> 00:21:37,377
♪ Big guy in the house.
562
00:21:37,411 --> 00:21:41,746
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com