1 00:00:03,666 --> 00:00:05,621 - What is that? What are you doing? - WINSTON: Oh, my goodness. 2 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:07,613 - Oh, hey, guys, you have any hair you want removed? - Hey. 3 00:00:07,637 --> 00:00:11,095 I must respectfully decline such a horribly depressing invitation. 4 00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:12,695 Going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. 5 00:00:12,732 --> 00:00:14,949 I haven't had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis 6 00:00:14,962 --> 00:00:16,870 was like getting the remote control out of the couch. 7 00:00:16,888 --> 00:00:17,940 Now I know things, 8 00:00:17,965 --> 00:00:19,597 and I own things. 9 00:00:20,389 --> 00:00:21,190 Like this. 10 00:00:21,202 --> 00:00:23,258 - What is that? - Oh, my God, that poor girl. 11 00:00:23,276 --> 00:00:25,166 This is the Archduke. 12 00:00:25,196 --> 00:00:27,962 The crowning achievement of the German Institute of Female Pleasure. 13 00:00:27,974 --> 00:00:30,140 Dude, this thing takes 16 single-A batteries? 14 00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:32,318 I thought I threw that thing out the window. 15 00:00:32,350 --> 00:00:34,469 - That only made it stronger. - WINSTON: Oh, that reminds me: 16 00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:36,515 Daisy called, and we're going out tonight. 17 00:00:36,534 --> 00:00:37,178 (chuckles) 18 00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:38,894 Yeah, she sounded pretty excited. 19 00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:40,805 I do believe her exact words were, 20 00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,538 "This is your last chance." 21 00:00:42,748 --> 00:00:44,180 - So, I'm very confident. - Yeah. 22 00:00:44,199 --> 00:00:45,390 Very confident. (cell phone rings) 23 00:00:45,414 --> 00:00:47,539 Schmidt, can you help me with my phone? I have... 24 00:00:47,563 --> 00:00:50,391 Oh, you need help? Where's your women's lib now? 25 00:00:50,665 --> 00:00:51,672 From Teddy: 26 00:00:51,697 --> 00:00:55,420 "In town tonight. Would love to see you. 9:00 p.m. drinks?" 27 00:00:55,437 --> 00:00:56,943 - CECE: Oh, my God, Teddy. - JESS: Oh, my God. 28 00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:58,303 - Hey, who's Teddy? - Whoa, hey, man. 29 00:00:58,329 --> 00:01:00,122 - What are you doing...? - JESS: Nick? - Weird and gross. 30 00:01:00,139 --> 00:01:01,945 Sometimes I just sit in the stall and listen to you guys. 31 00:01:01,964 --> 00:01:03,214 - Who's Teddy? - OTHERS: Makes sense. 32 00:01:03,232 --> 00:01:05,260 What do you think he wants? You think I should meet him for a drink? 33 00:01:05,283 --> 00:01:08,626 Am I the only one kind of dying to know who this Teddy character is? 34 00:01:08,661 --> 00:01:11,426 - I think I speak for all of us... - Nick, you and Jess didn't work out, okay? 35 00:01:11,465 --> 00:01:13,321 - No... - www.MoveOn.org. 36 00:01:13,333 --> 00:01:14,830 Yeah, "ww" -- It's not about that, just... 37 00:01:14,849 --> 00:01:16,093 - Chill out. - Yeah, no. Thanks. 38 00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:18,540 JESS: Fine. Look. Um... (sighs) 39 00:01:18,558 --> 00:01:20,946 I already regret this. Teddy... 40 00:01:21,517 --> 00:01:22,639 Teddy took my flower. 41 00:01:22,658 --> 00:01:24,177 - Wow, yeah, he did. - What flower? - What?! 42 00:01:24,195 --> 00:01:25,914 - Yeah, he stole a flower from you? - (chuckles) 43 00:01:25,932 --> 00:01:27,928 And you want to have drinks with him? 44 00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:32,024 - Oh, from your wonderful secret garden. - CECE: Ugh. 45 00:01:32,030 --> 00:01:34,378 - Oh, my God. - You guys do have to hear this story, though. 46 00:01:34,397 --> 00:01:36,772 - 'Cause it is the worst. It's the worst! - No, no. 47 00:01:36,820 --> 00:01:37,645 - It's the worst. - They... 48 00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:39,530 I guarantee you it's not any more embarrassing 49 00:01:39,549 --> 00:01:41,769 - than the story of me losing my virginity. - I promise you 50 00:01:41,806 --> 00:01:43,506 mine's worse than all of yours. 51 00:01:43,759 --> 00:01:45,479 Prom night. 2000. 52 00:01:45,497 --> 00:01:47,360 - What was the theme? - Yeah, who cares about the theme? 53 00:01:47,379 --> 00:01:49,135 - What were you wearing? - I want to know the theme. 54 00:01:49,232 --> 00:01:50,663 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 55 00:01:50,688 --> 00:01:52,965 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 56 00:01:53,002 --> 00:01:57,002 Sync and corrections by Norther www.addic7ed.com 57 00:01:57,953 --> 00:02:00,721 JESS: It was after prom. Cece and I were both 18, 58 00:02:00,745 --> 00:02:02,620 and we'd rented a hotel room. 59 00:02:02,673 --> 00:02:04,009 So... 60 00:02:04,228 --> 00:02:05,996 would you like to freak? 61 00:02:06,303 --> 00:02:07,790 Yes, I would. 62 00:02:07,821 --> 00:02:08,903 ("Stay " by Lisa Loeb plays) 63 00:02:08,940 --> 00:02:10,165 ♪ So ♪ 64 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,762 ♪ And I thought what I felt was simple... ♪ 65 00:02:16,774 --> 00:02:18,240 I'm gonna freak you toward the bed. 66 00:02:18,258 --> 00:02:20,271 - Do I have your permission? - Yes, you do. 67 00:02:20,297 --> 00:02:22,906 ♪ And now that I am leaving ♪ 68 00:02:23,146 --> 00:02:24,234 ♪ Now I know that I... ♪ 69 00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:26,576 So, he and I were the founding members 70 00:02:26,594 --> 00:02:28,810 of the Gender Equality Society. 71 00:02:28,866 --> 00:02:32,094 Also, the only members of the Gender Equality Society. 72 00:02:32,113 --> 00:02:33,957 We both asked each other to the prom 73 00:02:33,975 --> 00:02:36,913 in the spirit of gender equality, and we both said yes. 74 00:02:36,932 --> 00:02:39,351 - Okay, get to it. - No one cares. - Oregon sucks. 75 00:02:41,309 --> 00:02:42,628 I'm gonna take off your dress. 76 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:43,734 Do I have your permission? 77 00:02:43,752 --> 00:02:45,290 - Yup. Yup. - Okay. 78 00:02:45,314 --> 00:02:47,481 ♪ I only hear what I want to ♪ - Um... 79 00:02:47,512 --> 00:02:49,228 - I can't find the zipper. - Oh. 80 00:02:49,247 --> 00:02:50,547 Oh, there is no zipper. 81 00:02:50,572 --> 00:02:53,373 Um, I made this dress, and my mom sewed me in, so... 82 00:02:53,392 --> 00:02:55,937 Um, maybe I can try in the abdominal area here? 83 00:02:55,954 --> 00:02:58,382 - Is that okay? Do I have your permission? - Yes. You have my permission. 84 00:02:58,388 --> 00:02:59,759 - Unwind the... - Oh. 85 00:02:59,782 --> 00:03:01,113 Maybe if, um... 86 00:03:01,125 --> 00:03:03,546 You know, um, 'cause maybe you could just rip it. 87 00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:05,357 ♪ I turn the radio up... ♪ 88 00:03:05,382 --> 00:03:07,006 I... I just want to make sure you're feeling safe... 89 00:03:07,025 --> 00:03:09,310 No, no, no. I-I feel, like, so safe, 90 00:03:09,316 --> 00:03:12,167 and, like, I've never felt, like, more safe. 91 00:03:12,250 --> 00:03:15,095 - Well, do I have your permission... - Just be a man and rip it off... 92 00:03:15,113 --> 00:03:16,714 ♪ When we weep for the other ♪ 93 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:18,908 ♪ Who was dying since the day they were born ♪ 94 00:03:18,939 --> 00:03:20,002 ♪ Well, well... ♪ 95 00:03:20,054 --> 00:03:22,769 Now I'm feeling very unsafe. 96 00:03:22,793 --> 00:03:24,222 ♪ But I'm thrown ♪ 97 00:03:24,634 --> 00:03:25,734 (softly): Um... 98 00:03:25,749 --> 00:03:26,894 ♪ And I thought I'd live forever... ♪ 99 00:03:26,913 --> 00:03:27,844 Um... 100 00:03:27,895 --> 00:03:30,126 I think, um, I'm gonna go, 101 00:03:30,138 --> 00:03:33,162 um, get... like, I'll see if the front desk 102 00:03:33,181 --> 00:03:34,474 has a seam ripper. 103 00:03:34,492 --> 00:03:35,560 - Yeah. - (booing) 104 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:36,875 Come on, Jess. 105 00:03:36,898 --> 00:03:38,068 Get to the sex part. 106 00:03:38,099 --> 00:03:40,343 If this is another story about sewing, I swear to God... 107 00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:41,643 Please. I'm getting there. 108 00:03:44,122 --> 00:03:45,505 (sighs) 109 00:03:52,970 --> 00:03:54,479 YOUNG MAN: You okay? 110 00:03:57,252 --> 00:03:58,520 Yeah. 111 00:03:58,538 --> 00:04:00,019 JESS: Oh, man. 112 00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:02,869 He wore the hell out of those tuxedo pants. 113 00:04:02,881 --> 00:04:04,964 People have told me I look really good in tuxedos, so... 114 00:04:04,982 --> 00:04:07,627 - I don't think I've ever seen you in a tux. - I've worn a tuxedo. (scoffs) 115 00:04:07,645 --> 00:04:08,969 Everybody has tuxedos. 116 00:04:08,981 --> 00:04:10,669 - Tuxedo is different than a suit. - It is? 117 00:04:10,693 --> 00:04:12,458 Wait, didn't he have a guitar? 118 00:04:12,696 --> 00:04:14,415 Oh, my God, yes. Best part. 119 00:04:14,448 --> 00:04:17,586 BOTH: ♪ And now that I am leaving ♪ 120 00:04:17,628 --> 00:04:20,015 ♪ I know that I did something wrong ♪ 121 00:04:20,033 --> 00:04:21,929 ♪ 'Cause I missed you ♪ 122 00:04:23,443 --> 00:04:25,849 ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ 123 00:04:25,887 --> 00:04:27,255 ♪ 'Cause I missed you. ♪ 124 00:04:27,286 --> 00:04:28,953 (booing) 125 00:04:29,234 --> 00:04:30,227 SCHMIDT: Lame. 126 00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:31,460 (sighs) 127 00:04:31,495 --> 00:04:32,366 Man... 128 00:04:32,390 --> 00:04:33,264 (sighs) 129 00:04:33,308 --> 00:04:34,777 Prom is so stupid, right? 130 00:04:34,802 --> 00:04:36,148 Yeah, and, like, 131 00:04:36,167 --> 00:04:39,457 what is "prom" short for? 132 00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:42,368 I think it's actually "promenade." 133 00:04:46,270 --> 00:04:48,247 So, you want a man? You want a... want a man? 134 00:04:48,265 --> 00:04:50,553 Okay, there are no scissors in there, 135 00:04:50,577 --> 00:04:52,399 so I taped these two steak knives together. 136 00:04:52,424 --> 00:04:54,136 Now, do I have your permission to just... 137 00:04:54,172 --> 00:04:55,487 Oh! Aah! 138 00:04:55,512 --> 00:04:56,862 - Oh, my God. - (groaning) 139 00:04:56,908 --> 00:04:58,133 Uh, I have... 140 00:04:58,165 --> 00:04:59,899 to deal with this... 141 00:04:59,942 --> 00:05:02,044 (strumming "Stay" by Lisa Loeb) 142 00:05:02,268 --> 00:05:03,606 So, you mean to tell me you didn't 143 00:05:03,631 --> 00:05:05,622 - lose your virginity at prom? - Technically, no. 144 00:05:05,647 --> 00:05:06,585 - Technically? - Damn it, Jess. 145 00:05:06,613 --> 00:05:08,368 Technically, why did we listen to that whole story, then? 146 00:05:08,394 --> 00:05:10,658 - Technically, this guy's the worst. (chuckles) - There was no sex. 147 00:05:10,713 --> 00:05:11,932 Playing guitar for girls. 148 00:05:11,950 --> 00:05:13,777 Girls don't like that. That's a fact. 149 00:05:13,796 --> 00:05:15,021 (sighs) It's okay, man. 150 00:05:15,052 --> 00:05:16,640 - What's okay? - I wasn't done yet, guys. 151 00:05:16,658 --> 00:05:17,960 I was in the prologue. 152 00:05:17,972 --> 00:05:20,926 David Foster Wallace, where is the sex? 153 00:05:21,157 --> 00:05:22,170 You're in last place. 154 00:05:22,182 --> 00:05:23,789 Cece, please go. Tell your story 155 00:05:23,808 --> 00:05:25,508 of how your lost your virginity. I need a palate cleanse. 156 00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:27,019 Actually, it was the same night. 157 00:05:27,043 --> 00:05:29,155 SCHMIDT: It was prom night? Really? 158 00:05:29,179 --> 00:05:29,982 Who was it with? 159 00:05:29,994 --> 00:05:32,307 Study Hall Steve or Cool Car Johnny? 160 00:05:32,338 --> 00:05:33,788 (chuckling): Oh, yeah. 161 00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:35,688 - Not exactly. - Not them. 162 00:05:36,186 --> 00:05:38,172 So what? I'm a virgin. 163 00:05:42,392 --> 00:05:43,687 I don't want to plan it out. 164 00:05:43,705 --> 00:05:45,397 Whatever happens, happens. 165 00:05:45,665 --> 00:05:46,999 MAN (British accent): Oh, hello. 166 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,939 I'd like to make love to you. 167 00:05:50,460 --> 00:05:51,802 (whispering): That's Mick Jagger. 168 00:05:51,855 --> 00:05:52,968 - What?! - Whoa! - What? 169 00:05:52,992 --> 00:05:54,287 SCHMIDT: Game changer! 170 00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:55,224 Freaking... 171 00:05:55,249 --> 00:05:57,518 Beatlemania! Beatlemania! 172 00:05:57,530 --> 00:05:59,051 Keep it together, Schmidt. 173 00:05:59,063 --> 00:06:00,201 - Oh, my... - The Beatles?! 174 00:06:00,225 --> 00:06:02,791 He was just on tour in Portland, and we just started talking, 175 00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:04,380 and then we started laughing... 176 00:06:04,476 --> 00:06:07,312 ♪ ♪ 177 00:06:19,243 --> 00:06:20,699 What... but I'm confused. 178 00:06:20,745 --> 00:06:22,901 Uh, Cece, that is not an embarrassing story. 179 00:06:22,913 --> 00:06:24,245 Yeah, I know. 180 00:06:24,285 --> 00:06:25,835 - But I just love telling it. - Yeah. 181 00:06:25,854 --> 00:06:28,680 Cece, you officially move into last place. 182 00:06:28,705 --> 00:06:31,209 Boom. Moving up, worst story. 183 00:06:31,238 --> 00:06:32,276 Jess, 184 00:06:32,338 --> 00:06:33,966 you have no chance of winning. 185 00:06:34,036 --> 00:06:35,888 SCHMIDT: It was my junior year of college. 186 00:06:35,927 --> 00:06:37,461 I was about 200 pounds heavier. 187 00:06:37,523 --> 00:06:41,074 Freshman 50 plus sophomore 50 plus junior 100. 188 00:06:41,422 --> 00:06:43,174 I got some lubricant. 189 00:06:45,788 --> 00:06:47,537 It's to use on a woman. 190 00:06:47,555 --> 00:06:48,400 Uh... 191 00:06:48,431 --> 00:06:50,431 to increase her pleasure. 192 00:06:54,426 --> 00:06:55,969 Hey... 193 00:06:56,013 --> 00:06:57,951 is it chill if I have the room later? 194 00:06:58,313 --> 00:07:00,915 Elizabeth and I have been talking, and... 195 00:07:01,771 --> 00:07:04,684 - we plan on merging tonight. - Yeah, Schmidt! 196 00:07:04,703 --> 00:07:07,083 Penis, vagina. Penis, vagina. 197 00:07:07,114 --> 00:07:08,652 The room's all yours, cowboy. 198 00:07:08,690 --> 00:07:10,306 Yeah, I got some, uh, mushrooms, 199 00:07:10,311 --> 00:07:12,208 and I'm going to a Dave Matthews concert later. 200 00:07:12,237 --> 00:07:13,149 I'm a Daver. 201 00:07:13,162 --> 00:07:14,736 (Jess groans) CECE: That sucks! 202 00:07:14,748 --> 00:07:15,855 WINSTON: White people. 203 00:07:15,879 --> 00:07:19,146 Is this the first time you'll be making... full love? 204 00:07:19,158 --> 00:07:21,062 No way, Jose. 205 00:07:21,111 --> 00:07:22,687 Look, Nick... 206 00:07:22,768 --> 00:07:26,012 back in high school, they used to call me... 207 00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:29,063 the Sex... the Sex Hammer. 208 00:07:29,089 --> 00:07:30,408 - That's a great nickname. - But, you know, 209 00:07:30,432 --> 00:07:31,892 now that we're sitting here talking, 210 00:07:31,917 --> 00:07:34,531 would you mind having a discussion, uh, openly 211 00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,749 about the subject of intercourse? 212 00:07:37,017 --> 00:07:38,298 - Shoot. - Cool. 213 00:07:38,317 --> 00:07:40,069 Hey, does it hurt for the guys? 214 00:07:40,112 --> 00:07:41,815 Not one bit. 215 00:07:42,193 --> 00:07:45,076 If I pee while it's happening, will she die? 216 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:50,994 How many minutes before sex is it... is it okay to eat? 217 00:07:51,025 --> 00:07:52,770 I don't think it's an exact science. 218 00:07:52,776 --> 00:07:54,729 I think it depends on your frame. 219 00:07:55,109 --> 00:07:57,177 So, I should eat right before. 220 00:07:57,229 --> 00:07:58,892 In terms of lubricant, 221 00:07:58,917 --> 00:08:01,024 do I put a small amount everywhere 222 00:08:01,037 --> 00:08:03,908 or do I use a large amount in a small... 223 00:08:03,919 --> 00:08:05,191 in a smaller area? 224 00:08:05,215 --> 00:08:07,125 (groans) 225 00:08:13,816 --> 00:08:15,650 You're harshing my vibe, Schmidt. 226 00:08:15,717 --> 00:08:16,984 You're the coolest, Nick. 227 00:08:17,252 --> 00:08:18,877 You know, so I'd already taken the mushrooms. 228 00:08:18,889 --> 00:08:20,939 - Obviously. - And I was ready to go to the concert, 229 00:08:20,976 --> 00:08:23,795 when I realized that the troll at the end of my bed 230 00:08:23,817 --> 00:08:25,242 was pretty upset about it. 231 00:08:27,070 --> 00:08:30,847 I don't want any trouble. I think you're a remarkable creature. 232 00:08:33,190 --> 00:08:34,488 (quietly): No. 233 00:08:34,569 --> 00:08:36,403 Oh... I feel hot in my pants. 234 00:08:36,421 --> 00:08:37,752 (laughs) 235 00:08:37,942 --> 00:08:39,748 I still don't understand why you didn't just leave. 236 00:08:39,772 --> 00:08:42,661 I've told you a million times, my arm was a magnet 237 00:08:42,695 --> 00:08:44,402 and the walls were magnetic. 238 00:08:44,427 --> 00:08:46,156 What about that do you not understand? 239 00:08:46,179 --> 00:08:50,904 ♪ I submit to your demands ♪ 240 00:08:50,916 --> 00:08:54,227 ♪ I will do anything ♪ 241 00:08:54,271 --> 00:08:56,040 ♪ Girl, you need only ask... ♪ 242 00:08:56,058 --> 00:08:58,846 ELIZABETH: That's a real big jar of lube, man. 243 00:08:59,346 --> 00:09:01,963 Wait, why are you rubbing it on your leg? 244 00:09:02,107 --> 00:09:04,422 No, that's my arm. 245 00:09:04,779 --> 00:09:07,295 Aah! Eyes, eyes, eyes! 246 00:09:07,356 --> 00:09:09,844 Oh, stop moving so much. You're too slippery. 247 00:09:09,864 --> 00:09:11,618 ♪ ...when you want me to ♪ 248 00:09:11,643 --> 00:09:14,681 ♪ And I will not let go... ♪ 249 00:09:14,932 --> 00:09:16,647 Oh, this lube is so slippery. 250 00:09:16,671 --> 00:09:17,483 - (screams) - (screams) 251 00:09:17,507 --> 00:09:18,483 (both grunt) 252 00:09:18,508 --> 00:09:19,728 (groaning) 253 00:09:19,856 --> 00:09:22,417 Schmidt, where are you? I can't see. 254 00:09:22,971 --> 00:09:23,948 (whispering): Sex. 255 00:09:23,988 --> 00:09:26,860 I-I think there's enough lube. I think we can do it now. 256 00:09:26,873 --> 00:09:28,388 (whispering): All right. Get up. 257 00:09:28,438 --> 00:09:29,644 (Nick grunting) 258 00:09:30,439 --> 00:09:32,717 You definitely shouldn't be going to get more. 259 00:09:32,735 --> 00:09:36,056 ♪ I'm just gonna concentrate on you ♪ 260 00:09:36,375 --> 00:09:39,281 ♪ Girl, are you ready? ♪ 261 00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:41,930 ♪ It's gonna be a long night ♪ 262 00:09:41,963 --> 00:09:44,364 ♪ Throw your clothes ♪ ♪ Throw your clothes ♪ 263 00:09:44,421 --> 00:09:46,935 ♪ On the floor ♪ ♪ On the floor ♪ 264 00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:51,564 ♪ I'm gonna take my clothes off, too... ♪ 265 00:09:51,606 --> 00:09:53,440 - Schmidt? - Be right there. 266 00:09:54,262 --> 00:09:56,384 I think we overdid it. 267 00:09:58,043 --> 00:09:59,281 I can't see! 268 00:09:59,293 --> 00:10:01,435 I'm right here... No! (grunts) 269 00:10:01,473 --> 00:10:03,675 Schmidt, I want to make love! 270 00:10:03,681 --> 00:10:04,875 (whispering): I got to go. 271 00:10:04,888 --> 00:10:06,312 It's sex. 272 00:10:06,785 --> 00:10:07,973 I'm coming, Elizabeth! 273 00:10:08,003 --> 00:10:09,562 (laughter) 274 00:10:09,575 --> 00:10:11,432 Look, when we were dating, I was very limited 275 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,860 as to what we could do sexually. 276 00:10:12,891 --> 00:10:16,119 It wasn't until the Iraqi war that I realized a guy could even be on top. 277 00:10:16,152 --> 00:10:17,408 But that's all different now. 278 00:10:17,445 --> 00:10:18,701 Now I have the Archduke. 279 00:10:18,707 --> 00:10:21,214 Schmidt, have you ever considered not using lube 280 00:10:21,234 --> 00:10:23,697 and some giant sex toy, and just being with her? 281 00:10:23,709 --> 00:10:25,455 Plain Jane-ing it? Yeah, okay. 282 00:10:25,474 --> 00:10:27,826 Well, I know for a fact that I can't win this thing, 283 00:10:27,844 --> 00:10:29,839 because my story was... 284 00:10:29,966 --> 00:10:30,637 beautiful. 285 00:10:30,743 --> 00:10:32,710 - BOTH: Aw. - NICK: No, your story was not beautiful. 286 00:10:32,758 --> 00:10:35,478 Nick's dad took us on a business trip to New York, right? 287 00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:37,868 And he said that we could do whatever we wanted. 288 00:10:37,917 --> 00:10:38,837 (chuckles) 289 00:10:38,893 --> 00:10:40,605 - And we did. - (chuckles) 290 00:10:43,145 --> 00:10:44,855 Oh, man. 291 00:10:45,466 --> 00:10:47,341 They're all on the Titanic. 292 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,413 How does this movie end? (chuckles) 293 00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:51,094 I can't believe I never seen it before, man. 294 00:10:51,106 --> 00:10:52,125 It's the best. 295 00:10:52,138 --> 00:10:53,475 You're mom's the best... 296 00:10:53,531 --> 00:10:54,712 (laughing): at having boobs. 297 00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,656 - Shut up, stupid. - I'm just kidding, man. 298 00:10:56,681 --> 00:10:58,567 - (giggles) - (chuckles) 299 00:10:58,729 --> 00:11:00,372 - NICK: Don't. Don't. - Hey. 300 00:11:00,528 --> 00:11:03,021 I didn't bring you two dummies all the way to New York 301 00:11:03,046 --> 00:11:05,904 so you can park your cans on the couch, watch TV 302 00:11:05,910 --> 00:11:07,251 and flick each other's Bics. 303 00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:08,745 Hey, Dad, last night, somebody broke in 304 00:11:08,770 --> 00:11:10,762 and ordered a pornographic movie, 305 00:11:10,781 --> 00:11:12,397 so there's a mistake on the bill. 306 00:11:12,415 --> 00:11:13,191 (both chuckling) 307 00:11:13,216 --> 00:11:15,416 Yeah, okay, you can tell that to the Marines. 308 00:11:15,434 --> 00:11:16,860 Meanwhile... 309 00:11:16,897 --> 00:11:18,897 I have a little surprise for you boys. 310 00:11:18,924 --> 00:11:21,258 - Oh, cool. - Ladies? 311 00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:30,844 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, 312 00:11:30,863 --> 00:11:32,786 no, no, no, no, no. 313 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,704 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 314 00:11:41,274 --> 00:11:45,123 Wait, what? You lost your virginity to prostitutes? 315 00:11:45,141 --> 00:11:47,093 No, they were businesswomen. 316 00:11:47,171 --> 00:11:50,309 - Who could dance sexy. - Winston, 100% they were prostitutes. 317 00:11:50,321 --> 00:11:51,234 Dude, no. 318 00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:52,853 Ladies, ladies, ladies. 319 00:11:52,926 --> 00:11:54,827 We work in the finance markets. 320 00:11:54,908 --> 00:11:57,339 We work in the finance markets? 321 00:11:57,788 --> 00:12:00,993 I'm Mysteria. This is Octopussy. 322 00:12:01,041 --> 00:12:02,742 Your name's Octopussy? 323 00:12:02,810 --> 00:12:04,378 Absolutely. 324 00:12:04,439 --> 00:12:06,139 Thank you, guys, for coming. 325 00:12:06,182 --> 00:12:08,277 We're very wealthy. 326 00:12:08,986 --> 00:12:10,184 (both laughing) 327 00:12:10,209 --> 00:12:12,047 Winston, listen to their names. 328 00:12:12,060 --> 00:12:14,116 - They sound like pros. - She was a nurse. 329 00:12:14,193 --> 00:12:15,877 Dude, her nurse hat was in her purse. 330 00:12:15,895 --> 00:12:17,126 Would you listen to yourself?! 331 00:12:17,159 --> 00:12:18,151 ♪ ♪ 332 00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:20,197 Uh-huh. 333 00:12:21,244 --> 00:12:23,765 Honey, why are you sweating so much? 334 00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:25,092 You should drink something. 335 00:12:25,111 --> 00:12:26,963 Thank you for the offer, Ms. Octopussy, 336 00:12:26,975 --> 00:12:30,204 but I-I don't drink. I prefer to be drunk on life. 337 00:12:31,068 --> 00:12:32,049 Hold that for me? 338 00:12:32,068 --> 00:12:33,786 - Sure. - Thank you. 339 00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,581 Perhaps I'll try some. 340 00:12:40,592 --> 00:12:43,679 ♪ So she told me to come over and I took that trip ♪ 341 00:12:43,698 --> 00:12:45,513 ♪ And then she pulled out... ♪ 342 00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,163 Very interesting. 343 00:12:47,270 --> 00:12:50,038 - Uh, uh, uh. - Mmm, mmm, mmm. 344 00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:52,144 I'm gonna do it to you. 345 00:12:52,288 --> 00:12:53,752 You're gonna do what to me? 346 00:12:53,787 --> 00:12:56,421 (crying): I don't know. 347 00:12:56,938 --> 00:12:58,257 Are you crying? 348 00:12:58,275 --> 00:13:00,138 Please, excuse me, 349 00:13:00,219 --> 00:13:03,517 but I had to lay off a lot of really good men today at work. 350 00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:05,872 - What's wrong with your friend? - He's a virgin. 351 00:13:05,891 --> 00:13:07,359 Aren't you a virgin, too? 352 00:13:07,384 --> 00:13:09,318 Just my penis, baby. 353 00:13:09,354 --> 00:13:11,693 Just my penis. 354 00:13:12,213 --> 00:13:14,847 WINSTON: So Mysteria and I made love that night. 355 00:13:15,408 --> 00:13:18,226 For ten beautiful seconds. 356 00:13:19,297 --> 00:13:21,560 - So, what do you do for a living? - (snickers) 357 00:13:22,211 --> 00:13:23,949 And it was good. 358 00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:27,363 Nick, I can't believe you lost your virginity to Octopussy. 359 00:13:27,375 --> 00:13:28,811 I couldn't go through with it. 360 00:13:28,855 --> 00:13:30,524 It's 'cause the boy had no game. 361 00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:31,537 He couldn't close. 362 00:13:31,555 --> 00:13:33,103 Okay, you don't need game. 363 00:13:33,121 --> 00:13:35,772 They were prostitutes. My dad told me. 364 00:13:35,835 --> 00:13:37,448 Pop-Pop told you? When? 365 00:13:37,610 --> 00:13:39,007 Nicky, you here? 366 00:13:39,035 --> 00:13:40,698 Yeah, I'm here, Dad. 367 00:13:41,148 --> 00:13:42,684 What are you doing? 368 00:13:47,342 --> 00:13:48,827 If I'm being totally honest, 369 00:13:48,850 --> 00:13:51,174 I've had some alcoholic beverages tonight. 370 00:13:51,217 --> 00:13:54,147 Well, to be totally honest with you, so have I. 371 00:13:54,294 --> 00:13:56,109 How do you think I got through Annie? 372 00:13:56,146 --> 00:13:58,327 Geez, that was rough. 373 00:14:00,460 --> 00:14:02,823 - What happened here? - I'm sorry, Dad. 374 00:14:02,950 --> 00:14:05,809 I couldn't make love to Ms. Octopussy tonight. 375 00:14:05,950 --> 00:14:08,698 It's too dangerous, and I was afraid the FBI 376 00:14:08,710 --> 00:14:11,073 was gonna track me down or a paper trail. 377 00:14:11,091 --> 00:14:12,592 You think too much. 378 00:14:12,617 --> 00:14:14,748 You think too much about everything. 379 00:14:14,773 --> 00:14:18,926 When I was your age, my dad got a girl for me, too. 380 00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:22,114 I mean, this is almost a Miller family tradition. 381 00:14:22,375 --> 00:14:24,276 You should have seen her boobs. 382 00:14:24,487 --> 00:14:25,816 They were great. 383 00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:27,854 Real pointy, just like I like 'em. 384 00:14:27,878 --> 00:14:29,191 Gross. 385 00:14:30,746 --> 00:14:32,512 Listen, Nicky, 386 00:14:33,773 --> 00:14:36,191 you don't have to do anything 387 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:38,601 that you don't want to do. 388 00:14:38,793 --> 00:14:40,946 I just want to make sure that you don't miss out 389 00:14:40,958 --> 00:14:42,894 on the things in life 390 00:14:42,929 --> 00:14:45,606 that are happening when you're not thinking. 391 00:14:45,898 --> 00:14:47,996 Because, believe you me, 392 00:14:48,277 --> 00:14:49,621 those... 393 00:14:49,645 --> 00:14:51,645 are the best things in life. 394 00:14:52,332 --> 00:14:53,957 I think I really like drinking. 395 00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,845 Well, that's great. That's wonderful. That's good. 396 00:14:55,863 --> 00:14:57,462 - That's a great start. - It's really fun. 397 00:14:57,499 --> 00:14:58,955 - It makes me feel good. - Good. 398 00:14:58,986 --> 00:15:00,293 (chuckles) 399 00:15:00,455 --> 00:15:01,977 Uh... 400 00:15:02,922 --> 00:15:04,916 Don't tell Winston about the girls. 401 00:15:04,947 --> 00:15:06,863 You know, that they're... pros. 402 00:15:06,882 --> 00:15:09,345 - Yeah, I won't. - I don't want to break his heart, you know? 403 00:15:09,370 --> 00:15:11,454 - Okay. - I mean, you can tell him, but just... 404 00:15:11,485 --> 00:15:12,955 wait, you know? 405 00:15:13,036 --> 00:15:14,461 Maybe after I'm gone. 406 00:15:14,498 --> 00:15:16,561 I'll tell him when you're dead. 407 00:15:16,761 --> 00:15:18,755 So it's time you should know. 408 00:15:18,777 --> 00:15:20,158 Mysteria... 409 00:15:20,184 --> 00:15:22,827 On the bright side, looks like you won the contest. 410 00:15:22,839 --> 00:15:24,524 - Actually... - Jess, look at him. 411 00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:26,237 - Let him have this. - Yeah, I'm sorry, Winston. 412 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:27,905 I just can't let you win this. 413 00:15:27,936 --> 00:15:29,692 My story... 414 00:15:29,717 --> 00:15:31,430 involves... 415 00:15:31,542 --> 00:15:32,776 murder. 416 00:15:34,243 --> 00:15:35,768 (laughs) 417 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:39,562 Was Mysteria even her real name? 418 00:15:40,408 --> 00:15:41,708 No. 419 00:15:43,355 --> 00:15:47,694 So I'd just moved to L.A. to be with Cece, and we went out to some bar. 420 00:15:47,724 --> 00:15:49,756 - Do you remember where that was? - No. 421 00:15:50,185 --> 00:15:52,580 How did I get this far without having sex? 422 00:15:52,627 --> 00:15:55,193 In three years, I'm gonna be 25. 423 00:15:55,218 --> 00:15:57,561 I can't rent my first car as a virgin. 424 00:15:57,684 --> 00:15:58,883 They'll know. 425 00:15:58,928 --> 00:16:00,581 Okay. What about those guys over there? 426 00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,091 - Mega beer! - Party! 427 00:16:03,109 --> 00:16:04,752 - Pour beer at the same time. - Yeah! 428 00:16:04,783 --> 00:16:06,321 They are definitely single. 429 00:16:06,381 --> 00:16:07,792 Yeah! 430 00:16:08,179 --> 00:16:10,352 I mean, kill me. 431 00:16:12,531 --> 00:16:13,593 Oh, my God. 432 00:16:13,638 --> 00:16:15,718 It was the guy from prom night. 433 00:16:15,737 --> 00:16:17,136 It was fate. 434 00:16:17,761 --> 00:16:19,755 - Want to get out of here? - (chuckles) 435 00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:22,200 - Like, to do it? - (chuckles) 436 00:16:22,512 --> 00:16:24,231 - Yeah. I'd be down with that. - Yes. 437 00:16:24,267 --> 00:16:26,346 Um, but I'm kind of living out of my car right now. 438 00:16:26,359 --> 00:16:27,603 - Damn it. - Yeah. 439 00:16:27,628 --> 00:16:30,070 And I'm sleeping on my friend's couch. 440 00:16:35,265 --> 00:16:37,123 Do you like DVDs? 441 00:16:39,785 --> 00:16:41,786 Do you sell cookies? 442 00:16:44,489 --> 00:16:46,324 Not a cookie bar. 443 00:16:48,953 --> 00:16:50,787 I have an idea. 444 00:16:50,895 --> 00:16:52,863 (kissing sounds) 445 00:16:53,475 --> 00:16:56,728 Hey, uh, I'm kind of on a lot of antidepressants right now, 446 00:16:56,753 --> 00:16:58,597 so this may kind of take a while. 447 00:16:58,628 --> 00:17:02,430 The only antidepressants you need are in my pants. 448 00:17:02,716 --> 00:17:04,447 Uh, it's really a medical issue. 449 00:17:04,478 --> 00:17:06,856 I'm so sorry. That was really uncool. 450 00:17:06,869 --> 00:17:08,925 And... take as much time as you need. 451 00:17:09,142 --> 00:17:11,376 So, two hours later... 452 00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:12,390 still nothing. 453 00:17:12,408 --> 00:17:15,173 It was like a wind sock on a windless day. 454 00:17:15,317 --> 00:17:17,572 Give me an update, brother. How's your wang? 455 00:17:17,621 --> 00:17:18,353 (crying) 456 00:17:18,378 --> 00:17:19,503 Do you have, like, an... 457 00:17:19,522 --> 00:17:21,213 Is there, like, an angle you could... 458 00:17:21,648 --> 00:17:22,886 like... I mean... 459 00:17:22,904 --> 00:17:24,934 It's just... it's so much easier when it's, like, in the shower, 460 00:17:24,952 --> 00:17:26,870 you know, and you're by yourself and you don't... 461 00:17:26,895 --> 00:17:27,943 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 462 00:17:27,955 --> 00:17:29,991 - And there's no one with you. - Well, what can I do to help? Listen, 463 00:17:30,010 --> 00:17:32,702 why don't we try our luck on the other side of the castle, okay? 464 00:17:32,726 --> 00:17:34,171 (muffled grunting) 465 00:17:34,351 --> 00:17:35,730 JESS: Oh, my God! 466 00:17:35,868 --> 00:17:36,624 (groans) 467 00:17:36,648 --> 00:17:37,767 We're stuck. 468 00:17:37,838 --> 00:17:40,439 MAN: Hey, uh, don't really know why, but... 469 00:17:41,550 --> 00:17:42,526 ready now. 470 00:17:42,545 --> 00:17:44,514 - NICK: Okay, getting worse. - SCHMIDT: We were promised murder. 471 00:17:44,532 --> 00:17:45,682 CECE: She's not done. 472 00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:48,423 Hey... 473 00:17:48,458 --> 00:17:50,991 hey, kids. Could one of you go get a grown-up? 474 00:17:50,997 --> 00:17:53,600 We're doing some grown-up things over here. 475 00:17:54,030 --> 00:17:56,443 - MAN: Happy birth... Happy birthday. - JESS: Happy birthday. 476 00:17:56,475 --> 00:17:57,876 (siren wails, fire truck horn blasts) 477 00:17:57,906 --> 00:18:00,340 Sir, um, we tried to make love 478 00:18:00,352 --> 00:18:04,001 on the bench, but, uh, there was a man there. 479 00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:06,778 Oh, he's still there. He must have been very tired. 480 00:18:06,792 --> 00:18:08,825 He slept through all those sirens. 481 00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:10,893 - This man's dead. - What?! 482 00:18:10,962 --> 00:18:14,237 - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - (sobbing): I'm stuck! 483 00:18:14,353 --> 00:18:16,373 Officer, I... it was very dark, 484 00:18:16,387 --> 00:18:18,050 and I did not see the knife. 485 00:18:18,068 --> 00:18:19,914 There's so much death in the world. 486 00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:22,109 Seriously, dude, take your pills! I'm sick of you. 487 00:18:22,128 --> 00:18:23,172 I'm sick of you! 488 00:18:23,196 --> 00:18:24,832 - I'm sick of you! - MAN: Important reminder... 489 00:18:24,848 --> 00:18:26,396 don't move. 490 00:18:27,494 --> 00:18:29,873 (sobbing): I think I might be gay! 491 00:18:29,898 --> 00:18:30,661 Yeah. 492 00:18:30,697 --> 00:18:32,800 (sobbing): Oh, my God. 493 00:18:33,018 --> 00:18:35,542 Teddy's gay? I knew it. Yes. 494 00:18:35,564 --> 00:18:36,917 That wasn't Teddy. 495 00:18:38,238 --> 00:18:40,457 - That was Teddy. - NICK: What? 496 00:18:40,475 --> 00:18:42,509 ♪ You try to give away a keeper or keep me ♪ 497 00:18:42,534 --> 00:18:47,247 ♪ 'Cause you know you're just so scared to lose ♪ 498 00:18:48,474 --> 00:18:50,411 ♪ And you say... ♪ 499 00:18:50,801 --> 00:18:52,569 I'm Teddy. 500 00:18:52,623 --> 00:18:53,611 Teddy Sherman. 501 00:18:53,630 --> 00:18:55,324 ♪ Stay... ♪ 502 00:18:55,869 --> 00:18:58,304 Take me home, Teddy. 503 00:18:58,686 --> 00:19:00,470 Take me home. 504 00:19:01,312 --> 00:19:02,696 (engine revving) 505 00:19:02,826 --> 00:19:03,738 (groans) 506 00:19:03,763 --> 00:19:05,267 I'm sick of firemen always winning. 507 00:19:05,292 --> 00:19:07,881 Well, you know, I'd just waited so long, 508 00:19:07,887 --> 00:19:09,423 and Teddy took me by surprise. 509 00:19:09,442 --> 00:19:11,100 It was the heat of the moment. 510 00:19:11,135 --> 00:19:12,435 I didn't have to think about it. 511 00:19:12,459 --> 00:19:14,244 SCHMIDT: Well, who wins? I-I need a winner. 512 00:19:14,256 --> 00:19:16,971 - I think we're all losers. - Are you kidding me, Jess? 513 00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:20,674 You had passionate sex with a fireman, all right? 514 00:19:20,697 --> 00:19:22,466 I had sex with a hooker. 515 00:19:22,514 --> 00:19:25,148 Well, I mean, unless... Are you guys sure she was a hooker? 516 00:19:25,176 --> 00:19:26,664 (overlapping chatter) 517 00:19:26,744 --> 00:19:28,048 NICK: Jess, wait. 518 00:19:28,370 --> 00:19:31,528 So, is he, like, the kind of fireman that hangs back and takes care of the dog? 519 00:19:31,568 --> 00:19:33,349 No, he, like, 520 00:19:33,399 --> 00:19:34,768 straight up fought fires. 521 00:19:34,785 --> 00:19:36,423 - That's awful to hear. - You know, 522 00:19:36,448 --> 00:19:38,909 you never actually told me how you lost yours. 523 00:19:39,083 --> 00:19:40,733 Alison Daniels. 524 00:19:40,857 --> 00:19:43,392 On a towel in the woods. 525 00:19:43,790 --> 00:19:45,078 I cried. 526 00:19:45,117 --> 00:19:47,051 She kept her bra on. 527 00:19:47,206 --> 00:19:48,569 It was nice. 528 00:19:50,713 --> 00:19:51,869 (cell phone ringing) 529 00:19:51,887 --> 00:19:53,317 Oh. 530 00:19:54,070 --> 00:19:55,404 I have to go meet Teddy. 531 00:19:55,429 --> 00:19:57,160 I should go. 532 00:19:59,913 --> 00:20:01,874 What do you think? 533 00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:17,966 ♪ ♪ 534 00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:20,946 What are you doing? (gasps) 535 00:20:21,712 --> 00:20:23,656 Let's not think about it. 536 00:20:24,643 --> 00:20:26,318 I've got three hours till the red-eye. 537 00:20:26,330 --> 00:20:28,231 - Let's do this. - Um... 538 00:20:28,348 --> 00:20:30,231 Babe, you know I don't do well under pressure. 539 00:20:30,256 --> 00:20:32,114 Well, just distract yourself. Um... 540 00:20:32,157 --> 00:20:33,629 here, turn on the TV. 541 00:20:33,641 --> 00:20:37,484 ♪ I've been trying to hide, we held our breath ♪ 542 00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:40,777 ♪ To see our names are written... ♪ 543 00:20:42,904 --> 00:20:45,291 Look, we're gonna be married in, like, two days. 544 00:20:45,325 --> 00:20:47,580 Should we maybe, you know, 545 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,447 try it once? 546 00:20:49,573 --> 00:20:50,844 Not yet. 547 00:20:50,868 --> 00:20:51,922 (chuckles) 548 00:20:51,941 --> 00:20:54,217 ♪ Yes, since we found out ♪ 549 00:20:54,313 --> 00:20:56,502 ♪ Since we found out ♪ 550 00:20:56,521 --> 00:20:59,058 ♪ That anything could happen ♪ 551 00:20:59,077 --> 00:21:01,244 ♪ Anything could happen ♪ 552 00:21:01,449 --> 00:21:03,584 ♪ Anything could happen ♪ 553 00:21:03,732 --> 00:21:06,033 ♪ Anything could happen ♪ 554 00:21:06,082 --> 00:21:08,217 ♪ Anything could happen ♪ 555 00:21:08,247 --> 00:21:10,181 ♪ Anything could... ♪ 556 00:21:14,252 --> 00:21:15,948 What is that? 557 00:21:17,712 --> 00:21:21,081 It's a super intense German personal power massager. 558 00:21:21,169 --> 00:21:23,904 But I don't think we need it. 559 00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:26,770 Hey. You know... 560 00:21:26,945 --> 00:21:28,440 since you... 561 00:21:28,527 --> 00:21:31,218 came all this way with that box... 562 00:21:33,134 --> 00:21:36,095 We'll have to take the batteries out of the smoke detector. 563 00:21:37,901 --> 00:21:39,441 (panting) 564 00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:42,804 (sighs, chuckles) 565 00:21:44,150 --> 00:21:48,202 (sighs) 566 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,332 (chuckles) 567 00:22:06,926 --> 00:22:08,801 BOTH (laughing): Oh, boy. 568 00:22:08,825 --> 00:22:10,782 JESS (à la Scooby-Scooby-Doo): Ruh-roh. 569 00:22:10,813 --> 00:22:15,813 Sync and corrections by Norther www.addic7ed.com