1
00:00:03,666 --> 00:00:05,621
- What is that? What are you doing?
- WINSTON: Oh, my goodness.
2
00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:07,613
- Oh, hey, guys, you have any
hair you want removed? - Hey.
3
00:00:07,637 --> 00:00:11,095
I must respectfully decline such a
horribly depressing invitation.
4
00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:12,695
Going on a date with
Elizabeth tonight.
5
00:00:12,732 --> 00:00:14,949
I haven't had sex with her since
I was fat and accessing my penis
6
00:00:14,962 --> 00:00:16,870
was like getting the remote
control out of the couch.
7
00:00:16,888 --> 00:00:17,940
Now I know things,
8
00:00:17,965 --> 00:00:19,597
and I own things.
9
00:00:20,389 --> 00:00:21,190
Like this.
10
00:00:21,202 --> 00:00:23,258
- What is that?
- Oh, my God, that poor girl.
11
00:00:23,276 --> 00:00:25,166
This is the Archduke.
12
00:00:25,196 --> 00:00:27,962
The crowning achievement of the
German Institute of Female Pleasure.
13
00:00:27,974 --> 00:00:30,140
Dude, this thing takes
16 single-A batteries?
14
00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:32,318
I thought I threw that
thing out the window.
15
00:00:32,350 --> 00:00:34,469
- That only made it stronger.
- WINSTON: Oh, that reminds me:
16
00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:36,515
Daisy called,
and we're going out tonight.
17
00:00:36,534 --> 00:00:37,178
(chuckles)
18
00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:38,894
Yeah, she
sounded pretty excited.
19
00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:40,805
I do believe
her exact words were,
20
00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,538
"This is your last chance."
21
00:00:42,748 --> 00:00:44,180
- So, I'm very confident.
- Yeah.
22
00:00:44,199 --> 00:00:45,390
Very confident.
(cell phone rings)
23
00:00:45,414 --> 00:00:47,539
Schmidt, can you help me
with my phone? I have...
24
00:00:47,563 --> 00:00:50,391
Oh, you need help?
Where's your women's lib now?
25
00:00:50,665 --> 00:00:51,672
From Teddy:
26
00:00:51,697 --> 00:00:55,420
"In town tonight. Would love to
see you. 9:00 p.m. drinks?"
27
00:00:55,437 --> 00:00:56,943
- CECE: Oh, my God, Teddy.
- JESS: Oh, my God.
28
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:58,303
- Hey, who's Teddy?
- Whoa, hey, man.
29
00:00:58,329 --> 00:01:00,122
- What are you doing...?
- JESS: Nick? - Weird and gross.
30
00:01:00,139 --> 00:01:01,945
Sometimes I just sit in the
stall and listen to you guys.
31
00:01:01,964 --> 00:01:03,214
- Who's Teddy?
- OTHERS: Makes sense.
32
00:01:03,232 --> 00:01:05,260
What do you think he wants? You think
I should meet him for a drink?
33
00:01:05,283 --> 00:01:08,626
Am I the only one kind of dying to
know who this Teddy character is?
34
00:01:08,661 --> 00:01:11,426
- I think I speak for all of us...
- Nick, you and Jess didn't work out, okay?
35
00:01:11,465 --> 00:01:13,321
- No...
- www.MoveOn.org.
36
00:01:13,333 --> 00:01:14,830
Yeah, "ww" -- It's not
about that, just...
37
00:01:14,849 --> 00:01:16,093
- Chill out.
- Yeah, no. Thanks.
38
00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:18,540
JESS:
Fine. Look. Um... (sighs)
39
00:01:18,558 --> 00:01:20,946
I already regret this. Teddy...
40
00:01:21,517 --> 00:01:22,639
Teddy took my flower.
41
00:01:22,658 --> 00:01:24,177
- Wow, yeah, he did.
- What flower? - What?!
42
00:01:24,195 --> 00:01:25,914
- Yeah, he stole a flower from you?
- (chuckles)
43
00:01:25,932 --> 00:01:27,928
And you want to have
drinks with him?
44
00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:32,024
- Oh, from your wonderful secret garden.
- CECE: Ugh.
45
00:01:32,030 --> 00:01:34,378
- Oh, my God. - You guys do have
to hear this story, though.
46
00:01:34,397 --> 00:01:36,772
- 'Cause it is the worst. It's the worst!
- No, no.
47
00:01:36,820 --> 00:01:37,645
- It's the worst.
- They...
48
00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:39,530
I guarantee you it's not
any more embarrassing
49
00:01:39,549 --> 00:01:41,769
- than the story of me losing my virginity.
- I promise you
50
00:01:41,806 --> 00:01:43,506
mine's worse than all of yours.
51
00:01:43,759 --> 00:01:45,479
Prom night. 2000.
52
00:01:45,497 --> 00:01:47,360
- What was the theme?
- Yeah, who cares about the theme?
53
00:01:47,379 --> 00:01:49,135
- What were you wearing?
- I want to know the theme.
54
00:01:49,232 --> 00:01:50,663
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
55
00:01:50,688 --> 00:01:52,965
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
56
00:01:53,002 --> 00:01:57,002
Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com
57
00:01:57,953 --> 00:02:00,721
JESS: It was after prom.
Cece and I were both 18,
58
00:02:00,745 --> 00:02:02,620
and we'd rented a hotel room.
59
00:02:02,673 --> 00:02:04,009
So...
60
00:02:04,228 --> 00:02:05,996
would you like to freak?
61
00:02:06,303 --> 00:02:07,790
Yes, I would.
62
00:02:07,821 --> 00:02:08,903
("Stay " by Lisa Loeb plays)
63
00:02:08,940 --> 00:02:10,165
♪ So ♪
64
00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,762
♪ And I thought
what I felt was simple... ♪
65
00:02:16,774 --> 00:02:18,240
I'm gonna freak you
toward the bed.
66
00:02:18,258 --> 00:02:20,271
- Do I have your permission?
- Yes, you do.
67
00:02:20,297 --> 00:02:22,906
♪ And now that I am leaving ♪
68
00:02:23,146 --> 00:02:24,234
♪ Now I know that I... ♪
69
00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:26,576
So, he and I were
the founding members
70
00:02:26,594 --> 00:02:28,810
of the Gender Equality Society.
71
00:02:28,866 --> 00:02:32,094
Also, the only members
of the Gender Equality Society.
72
00:02:32,113 --> 00:02:33,957
We both asked each
other to the prom
73
00:02:33,975 --> 00:02:36,913
in the spirit of gender
equality, and we both said yes.
74
00:02:36,932 --> 00:02:39,351
- Okay, get to it. - No one cares.
- Oregon sucks.
75
00:02:41,309 --> 00:02:42,628
I'm gonna take off your dress.
76
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:43,734
Do I have your permission?
77
00:02:43,752 --> 00:02:45,290
- Yup. Yup.
- Okay.
78
00:02:45,314 --> 00:02:47,481
♪ I only hear what I want to ♪
- Um...
79
00:02:47,512 --> 00:02:49,228
- I can't find the zipper.
- Oh.
80
00:02:49,247 --> 00:02:50,547
Oh, there is no zipper.
81
00:02:50,572 --> 00:02:53,373
Um, I made this dress, and
my mom sewed me in, so...
82
00:02:53,392 --> 00:02:55,937
Um, maybe I can try
in the abdominal area here?
83
00:02:55,954 --> 00:02:58,382
- Is that okay? Do I have your permission?
- Yes. You have my permission.
84
00:02:58,388 --> 00:02:59,759
- Unwind the...
- Oh.
85
00:02:59,782 --> 00:03:01,113
Maybe if, um...
86
00:03:01,125 --> 00:03:03,546
You know, um, 'cause maybe
you could just rip it.
87
00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:05,357
♪ I turn the radio up... ♪
88
00:03:05,382 --> 00:03:07,006
I... I just want to make sure
you're feeling safe...
89
00:03:07,025 --> 00:03:09,310
No, no, no. I-I feel,
like, so safe,
90
00:03:09,316 --> 00:03:12,167
and, like, I've never
felt, like, more safe.
91
00:03:12,250 --> 00:03:15,095
- Well, do I have your permission...
- Just be a man and rip it off...
92
00:03:15,113 --> 00:03:16,714
♪ When we weep for the other ♪
93
00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:18,908
♪ Who was dying since the day
they were born ♪
94
00:03:18,939 --> 00:03:20,002
♪ Well, well... ♪
95
00:03:20,054 --> 00:03:22,769
Now I'm feeling very unsafe.
96
00:03:22,793 --> 00:03:24,222
♪ But I'm thrown ♪
97
00:03:24,634 --> 00:03:25,734
(softly):
Um...
98
00:03:25,749 --> 00:03:26,894
♪ And I thought
I'd live forever... ♪
99
00:03:26,913 --> 00:03:27,844
Um...
100
00:03:27,895 --> 00:03:30,126
I think, um, I'm gonna go,
101
00:03:30,138 --> 00:03:33,162
um, get... like, I'll
see if the front desk
102
00:03:33,181 --> 00:03:34,474
has a seam ripper.
103
00:03:34,492 --> 00:03:35,560
- Yeah.
- (booing)
104
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:36,875
Come on, Jess.
105
00:03:36,898 --> 00:03:38,068
Get to the sex part.
106
00:03:38,099 --> 00:03:40,343
If this is another story about
sewing, I swear to God...
107
00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:41,643
Please. I'm getting there.
108
00:03:44,122 --> 00:03:45,505
(sighs)
109
00:03:52,970 --> 00:03:54,479
YOUNG MAN:
You okay?
110
00:03:57,252 --> 00:03:58,520
Yeah.
111
00:03:58,538 --> 00:04:00,019
JESS:
Oh, man.
112
00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:02,869
He wore the hell
out of those tuxedo pants.
113
00:04:02,881 --> 00:04:04,964
People have told me I look
really good in tuxedos, so...
114
00:04:04,982 --> 00:04:07,627
- I don't think I've ever seen you in a tux.
- I've worn a tuxedo. (scoffs)
115
00:04:07,645 --> 00:04:08,969
Everybody has tuxedos.
116
00:04:08,981 --> 00:04:10,669
- Tuxedo is different than a suit.
- It is?
117
00:04:10,693 --> 00:04:12,458
Wait, didn't he have a guitar?
118
00:04:12,696 --> 00:04:14,415
Oh, my God, yes.
Best part.
119
00:04:14,448 --> 00:04:17,586
BOTH:
♪ And now that I am leaving ♪
120
00:04:17,628 --> 00:04:20,015
♪ I know that I did
something wrong ♪
121
00:04:20,033 --> 00:04:21,929
♪ 'Cause I missed you ♪
122
00:04:23,443 --> 00:04:25,849
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
123
00:04:25,887 --> 00:04:27,255
♪ 'Cause I missed you. ♪
124
00:04:27,286 --> 00:04:28,953
(booing)
125
00:04:29,234 --> 00:04:30,227
SCHMIDT: Lame.
126
00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:31,460
(sighs)
127
00:04:31,495 --> 00:04:32,366
Man...
128
00:04:32,390 --> 00:04:33,264
(sighs)
129
00:04:33,308 --> 00:04:34,777
Prom is so stupid, right?
130
00:04:34,802 --> 00:04:36,148
Yeah, and, like,
131
00:04:36,167 --> 00:04:39,457
what is "prom" short for?
132
00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:42,368
I think it's actually
"promenade."
133
00:04:46,270 --> 00:04:48,247
So, you want a man?
You want a... want a man?
134
00:04:48,265 --> 00:04:50,553
Okay, there are no
scissors in there,
135
00:04:50,577 --> 00:04:52,399
so I taped these two
steak knives together.
136
00:04:52,424 --> 00:04:54,136
Now, do I have
your permission to just...
137
00:04:54,172 --> 00:04:55,487
Oh! Aah!
138
00:04:55,512 --> 00:04:56,862
- Oh, my God.
- (groaning)
139
00:04:56,908 --> 00:04:58,133
Uh, I have...
140
00:04:58,165 --> 00:04:59,899
to deal with this...
141
00:04:59,942 --> 00:05:02,044
(strumming "Stay" by Lisa Loeb)
142
00:05:02,268 --> 00:05:03,606
So, you mean to tell me
you didn't
143
00:05:03,631 --> 00:05:05,622
- lose your virginity at prom?
- Technically, no.
144
00:05:05,647 --> 00:05:06,585
- Technically?
- Damn it, Jess.
145
00:05:06,613 --> 00:05:08,368
Technically, why did we listen
to that whole story, then?
146
00:05:08,394 --> 00:05:10,658
- Technically, this guy's the worst. (chuckles)
- There was no sex.
147
00:05:10,713 --> 00:05:11,932
Playing guitar for girls.
148
00:05:11,950 --> 00:05:13,777
Girls don't like that.
That's a fact.
149
00:05:13,796 --> 00:05:15,021
(sighs)
It's okay, man.
150
00:05:15,052 --> 00:05:16,640
- What's okay?
- I wasn't done yet, guys.
151
00:05:16,658 --> 00:05:17,960
I was in the prologue.
152
00:05:17,972 --> 00:05:20,926
David Foster Wallace,
where is the sex?
153
00:05:21,157 --> 00:05:22,170
You're in last place.
154
00:05:22,182 --> 00:05:23,789
Cece, please go.
Tell your story
155
00:05:23,808 --> 00:05:25,508
of how your lost your virginity.
I need a palate cleanse.
156
00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:27,019
Actually, it was
the same night.
157
00:05:27,043 --> 00:05:29,155
SCHMIDT: It was prom night?
Really?
158
00:05:29,179 --> 00:05:29,982
Who was it with?
159
00:05:29,994 --> 00:05:32,307
Study Hall Steve
or Cool Car Johnny?
160
00:05:32,338 --> 00:05:33,788
(chuckling):
Oh, yeah.
161
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:35,688
- Not exactly.
- Not them.
162
00:05:36,186 --> 00:05:38,172
So what? I'm a virgin.
163
00:05:42,392 --> 00:05:43,687
I don't want to plan it out.
164
00:05:43,705 --> 00:05:45,397
Whatever happens, happens.
165
00:05:45,665 --> 00:05:46,999
MAN (British accent):
Oh, hello.
166
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,939
I'd like to make love to you.
167
00:05:50,460 --> 00:05:51,802
(whispering):
That's Mick Jagger.
168
00:05:51,855 --> 00:05:52,968
- What?! - Whoa!
- What?
169
00:05:52,992 --> 00:05:54,287
SCHMIDT:
Game changer!
170
00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:55,224
Freaking...
171
00:05:55,249 --> 00:05:57,518
Beatlemania!
Beatlemania!
172
00:05:57,530 --> 00:05:59,051
Keep it together, Schmidt.
173
00:05:59,063 --> 00:06:00,201
- Oh, my...
- The Beatles?!
174
00:06:00,225 --> 00:06:02,791
He was just on tour in Portland,
and we just started talking,
175
00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:04,380
and then we started laughing...
176
00:06:04,476 --> 00:06:07,312
♪ ♪
177
00:06:19,243 --> 00:06:20,699
What...
but I'm confused.
178
00:06:20,745 --> 00:06:22,901
Uh, Cece, that is not
an embarrassing story.
179
00:06:22,913 --> 00:06:24,245
Yeah, I know.
180
00:06:24,285 --> 00:06:25,835
- But I just love telling it.
- Yeah.
181
00:06:25,854 --> 00:06:28,680
Cece, you officially
move into last place.
182
00:06:28,705 --> 00:06:31,209
Boom. Moving up,
worst story.
183
00:06:31,238 --> 00:06:32,276
Jess,
184
00:06:32,338 --> 00:06:33,966
you have no chance of winning.
185
00:06:34,036 --> 00:06:35,888
SCHMIDT: It was my
junior year of college.
186
00:06:35,927 --> 00:06:37,461
I was about 200 pounds heavier.
187
00:06:37,523 --> 00:06:41,074
Freshman 50 plus sophomore
50 plus junior 100.
188
00:06:41,422 --> 00:06:43,174
I got some lubricant.
189
00:06:45,788 --> 00:06:47,537
It's to use on a woman.
190
00:06:47,555 --> 00:06:48,400
Uh...
191
00:06:48,431 --> 00:06:50,431
to increase her pleasure.
192
00:06:54,426 --> 00:06:55,969
Hey...
193
00:06:56,013 --> 00:06:57,951
is it chill if I
have the room later?
194
00:06:58,313 --> 00:07:00,915
Elizabeth and I
have been talking, and...
195
00:07:01,771 --> 00:07:04,684
- we plan on merging tonight.
- Yeah, Schmidt!
196
00:07:04,703 --> 00:07:07,083
Penis, vagina.
Penis, vagina.
197
00:07:07,114 --> 00:07:08,652
The room's all yours, cowboy.
198
00:07:08,690 --> 00:07:10,306
Yeah, I got some,
uh, mushrooms,
199
00:07:10,311 --> 00:07:12,208
and I'm going to a
Dave Matthews concert later.
200
00:07:12,237 --> 00:07:13,149
I'm a Daver.
201
00:07:13,162 --> 00:07:14,736
(Jess groans)
CECE: That sucks!
202
00:07:14,748 --> 00:07:15,855
WINSTON: White people.
203
00:07:15,879 --> 00:07:19,146
Is this the first time
you'll be making... full love?
204
00:07:19,158 --> 00:07:21,062
No way, Jose.
205
00:07:21,111 --> 00:07:22,687
Look, Nick...
206
00:07:22,768 --> 00:07:26,012
back in high school,
they used to call me...
207
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:29,063
the Sex... the Sex Hammer.
208
00:07:29,089 --> 00:07:30,408
- That's a great nickname.
- But, you know,
209
00:07:30,432 --> 00:07:31,892
now that we're
sitting here talking,
210
00:07:31,917 --> 00:07:34,531
would you mind having
a discussion, uh, openly
211
00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,749
about the subject
of intercourse?
212
00:07:37,017 --> 00:07:38,298
- Shoot.
- Cool.
213
00:07:38,317 --> 00:07:40,069
Hey, does it hurt for the guys?
214
00:07:40,112 --> 00:07:41,815
Not one bit.
215
00:07:42,193 --> 00:07:45,076
If I pee while it's happening,
will she die?
216
00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:50,994
How many minutes before sex
is it... is it okay to eat?
217
00:07:51,025 --> 00:07:52,770
I don't think
it's an exact science.
218
00:07:52,776 --> 00:07:54,729
I think it depends
on your frame.
219
00:07:55,109 --> 00:07:57,177
So, I should eat right before.
220
00:07:57,229 --> 00:07:58,892
In terms of lubricant,
221
00:07:58,917 --> 00:08:01,024
do I put a small
amount everywhere
222
00:08:01,037 --> 00:08:03,908
or do I use a large amount
in a small...
223
00:08:03,919 --> 00:08:05,191
in a smaller area?
224
00:08:05,215 --> 00:08:07,125
(groans)
225
00:08:13,816 --> 00:08:15,650
You're harshing my vibe,
Schmidt.
226
00:08:15,717 --> 00:08:16,984
You're the coolest, Nick.
227
00:08:17,252 --> 00:08:18,877
You know, so I'd already
taken the mushrooms.
228
00:08:18,889 --> 00:08:20,939
- Obviously.
- And I was ready to go to the concert,
229
00:08:20,976 --> 00:08:23,795
when I realized that the
troll at the end of my bed
230
00:08:23,817 --> 00:08:25,242
was pretty upset about it.
231
00:08:27,070 --> 00:08:30,847
I don't want any trouble. I think
you're a remarkable creature.
232
00:08:33,190 --> 00:08:34,488
(quietly):
No.
233
00:08:34,569 --> 00:08:36,403
Oh... I feel hot
in my pants.
234
00:08:36,421 --> 00:08:37,752
(laughs)
235
00:08:37,942 --> 00:08:39,748
I still don't understand
why you didn't just leave.
236
00:08:39,772 --> 00:08:42,661
I've told you a million
times, my arm was a magnet
237
00:08:42,695 --> 00:08:44,402
and the walls were magnetic.
238
00:08:44,427 --> 00:08:46,156
What about that
do you not understand?
239
00:08:46,179 --> 00:08:50,904
♪ I submit to your demands ♪
240
00:08:50,916 --> 00:08:54,227
♪ I will do anything ♪
241
00:08:54,271 --> 00:08:56,040
♪ Girl, you need only ask... ♪
242
00:08:56,058 --> 00:08:58,846
ELIZABETH: That's a real
big jar of lube, man.
243
00:08:59,346 --> 00:09:01,963
Wait, why are you
rubbing it on your leg?
244
00:09:02,107 --> 00:09:04,422
No, that's my arm.
245
00:09:04,779 --> 00:09:07,295
Aah! Eyes, eyes, eyes!
246
00:09:07,356 --> 00:09:09,844
Oh, stop moving so much.
You're too slippery.
247
00:09:09,864 --> 00:09:11,618
♪ ...when you want me to ♪
248
00:09:11,643 --> 00:09:14,681
♪ And I will not let go... ♪
249
00:09:14,932 --> 00:09:16,647
Oh, this lube is so slippery.
250
00:09:16,671 --> 00:09:17,483
- (screams)
- (screams)
251
00:09:17,507 --> 00:09:18,483
(both grunt)
252
00:09:18,508 --> 00:09:19,728
(groaning)
253
00:09:19,856 --> 00:09:22,417
Schmidt, where are you?
I can't see.
254
00:09:22,971 --> 00:09:23,948
(whispering):
Sex.
255
00:09:23,988 --> 00:09:26,860
I-I think there's enough lube.
I think we can do it now.
256
00:09:26,873 --> 00:09:28,388
(whispering):
All right. Get up.
257
00:09:28,438 --> 00:09:29,644
(Nick grunting)
258
00:09:30,439 --> 00:09:32,717
You definitely shouldn't
be going to get more.
259
00:09:32,735 --> 00:09:36,056
♪ I'm just gonna
concentrate on you ♪
260
00:09:36,375 --> 00:09:39,281
♪ Girl, are you ready? ♪
261
00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:41,930
♪ It's gonna be a long night ♪
262
00:09:41,963 --> 00:09:44,364
♪ Throw your clothes ♪
♪ Throw your clothes ♪
263
00:09:44,421 --> 00:09:46,935
♪ On the floor ♪
♪ On the floor ♪
264
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:51,564
♪ I'm gonna take
my clothes off, too... ♪
265
00:09:51,606 --> 00:09:53,440
- Schmidt?
- Be right there.
266
00:09:54,262 --> 00:09:56,384
I think we overdid it.
267
00:09:58,043 --> 00:09:59,281
I can't see!
268
00:09:59,293 --> 00:10:01,435
I'm right here... No!
(grunts)
269
00:10:01,473 --> 00:10:03,675
Schmidt, I want to make love!
270
00:10:03,681 --> 00:10:04,875
(whispering):
I got to go.
271
00:10:04,888 --> 00:10:06,312
It's sex.
272
00:10:06,785 --> 00:10:07,973
I'm coming, Elizabeth!
273
00:10:08,003 --> 00:10:09,562
(laughter)
274
00:10:09,575 --> 00:10:11,432
Look, when we were dating,
I was very limited
275
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,860
as to what we could do sexually.
276
00:10:12,891 --> 00:10:16,119
It wasn't until the Iraqi war that I
realized a guy could even be on top.
277
00:10:16,152 --> 00:10:17,408
But that's all different now.
278
00:10:17,445 --> 00:10:18,701
Now I have the Archduke.
279
00:10:18,707 --> 00:10:21,214
Schmidt, have you ever
considered not using lube
280
00:10:21,234 --> 00:10:23,697
and some giant sex toy,
and just being with her?
281
00:10:23,709 --> 00:10:25,455
Plain Jane-ing it?
Yeah, okay.
282
00:10:25,474 --> 00:10:27,826
Well, I know for a fact
that I can't win this thing,
283
00:10:27,844 --> 00:10:29,839
because my story was...
284
00:10:29,966 --> 00:10:30,637
beautiful.
285
00:10:30,743 --> 00:10:32,710
- BOTH: Aw.
- NICK: No, your story was not beautiful.
286
00:10:32,758 --> 00:10:35,478
Nick's dad took us on a business
trip to New York, right?
287
00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:37,868
And he said that we could
do whatever we wanted.
288
00:10:37,917 --> 00:10:38,837
(chuckles)
289
00:10:38,893 --> 00:10:40,605
- And we did.
- (chuckles)
290
00:10:43,145 --> 00:10:44,855
Oh, man.
291
00:10:45,466 --> 00:10:47,341
They're all on the Titanic.
292
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,413
How does this movie end?
(chuckles)
293
00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:51,094
I can't believe I never
seen it before, man.
294
00:10:51,106 --> 00:10:52,125
It's the best.
295
00:10:52,138 --> 00:10:53,475
You're mom's the best...
296
00:10:53,531 --> 00:10:54,712
(laughing):
at having boobs.
297
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,656
- Shut up, stupid.
- I'm just kidding, man.
298
00:10:56,681 --> 00:10:58,567
- (giggles)
- (chuckles)
299
00:10:58,729 --> 00:11:00,372
- NICK: Don't. Don't.
- Hey.
300
00:11:00,528 --> 00:11:03,021
I didn't bring you two dummies
all the way to New York
301
00:11:03,046 --> 00:11:05,904
so you can park your cans
on the couch, watch TV
302
00:11:05,910 --> 00:11:07,251
and flick each other's Bics.
303
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:08,745
Hey, Dad, last night,
somebody broke in
304
00:11:08,770 --> 00:11:10,762
and ordered a
pornographic movie,
305
00:11:10,781 --> 00:11:12,397
so there's a mistake
on the bill.
306
00:11:12,415 --> 00:11:13,191
(both chuckling)
307
00:11:13,216 --> 00:11:15,416
Yeah, okay, you can tell
that to the Marines.
308
00:11:15,434 --> 00:11:16,860
Meanwhile...
309
00:11:16,897 --> 00:11:18,897
I have a little
surprise for you boys.
310
00:11:18,924 --> 00:11:21,258
- Oh, cool.
- Ladies?
311
00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:30,844
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
312
00:11:30,863 --> 00:11:32,786
no, no, no, no, no.
313
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,704
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
314
00:11:41,274 --> 00:11:45,123
Wait, what? You lost
your virginity to prostitutes?
315
00:11:45,141 --> 00:11:47,093
No, they were businesswomen.
316
00:11:47,171 --> 00:11:50,309
- Who could dance sexy.
- Winston, 100% they were prostitutes.
317
00:11:50,321 --> 00:11:51,234
Dude, no.
318
00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:52,853
Ladies, ladies, ladies.
319
00:11:52,926 --> 00:11:54,827
We work in the finance markets.
320
00:11:54,908 --> 00:11:57,339
We work in the finance markets?
321
00:11:57,788 --> 00:12:00,993
I'm Mysteria.
This is Octopussy.
322
00:12:01,041 --> 00:12:02,742
Your name's Octopussy?
323
00:12:02,810 --> 00:12:04,378
Absolutely.
324
00:12:04,439 --> 00:12:06,139
Thank you, guys, for coming.
325
00:12:06,182 --> 00:12:08,277
We're very wealthy.
326
00:12:08,986 --> 00:12:10,184
(both laughing)
327
00:12:10,209 --> 00:12:12,047
Winston, listen to their names.
328
00:12:12,060 --> 00:12:14,116
- They sound like pros.
- She was a nurse.
329
00:12:14,193 --> 00:12:15,877
Dude, her nurse hat
was in her purse.
330
00:12:15,895 --> 00:12:17,126
Would you listen to yourself?!
331
00:12:17,159 --> 00:12:18,151
♪ ♪
332
00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:20,197
Uh-huh.
333
00:12:21,244 --> 00:12:23,765
Honey, why are you
sweating so much?
334
00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:25,092
You should drink something.
335
00:12:25,111 --> 00:12:26,963
Thank you for the offer,
Ms. Octopussy,
336
00:12:26,975 --> 00:12:30,204
but I-I don't drink.
I prefer to be drunk on life.
337
00:12:31,068 --> 00:12:32,049
Hold that for me?
338
00:12:32,068 --> 00:12:33,786
- Sure.
- Thank you.
339
00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,581
Perhaps I'll try some.
340
00:12:40,592 --> 00:12:43,679
♪ So she told me to come over
and I took that trip ♪
341
00:12:43,698 --> 00:12:45,513
♪ And then she pulled out... ♪
342
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,163
Very interesting.
343
00:12:47,270 --> 00:12:50,038
- Uh, uh, uh.
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
344
00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:52,144
I'm gonna do it to you.
345
00:12:52,288 --> 00:12:53,752
You're gonna do what to me?
346
00:12:53,787 --> 00:12:56,421
(crying):
I don't know.
347
00:12:56,938 --> 00:12:58,257
Are you crying?
348
00:12:58,275 --> 00:13:00,138
Please, excuse me,
349
00:13:00,219 --> 00:13:03,517
but I had to lay off a lot of
really good men today at work.
350
00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:05,872
- What's wrong with your friend?
- He's a virgin.
351
00:13:05,891 --> 00:13:07,359
Aren't you a virgin, too?
352
00:13:07,384 --> 00:13:09,318
Just my penis, baby.
353
00:13:09,354 --> 00:13:11,693
Just my penis.
354
00:13:12,213 --> 00:13:14,847
WINSTON: So Mysteria and
I made love that night.
355
00:13:15,408 --> 00:13:18,226
For ten beautiful seconds.
356
00:13:19,297 --> 00:13:21,560
- So, what do you do for a living?
- (snickers)
357
00:13:22,211 --> 00:13:23,949
And it was good.
358
00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:27,363
Nick, I can't believe you lost
your virginity to Octopussy.
359
00:13:27,375 --> 00:13:28,811
I couldn't go through with it.
360
00:13:28,855 --> 00:13:30,524
It's 'cause the boy
had no game.
361
00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:31,537
He couldn't close.
362
00:13:31,555 --> 00:13:33,103
Okay, you don't need game.
363
00:13:33,121 --> 00:13:35,772
They were prostitutes.
My dad told me.
364
00:13:35,835 --> 00:13:37,448
Pop-Pop told you? When?
365
00:13:37,610 --> 00:13:39,007
Nicky, you here?
366
00:13:39,035 --> 00:13:40,698
Yeah, I'm here, Dad.
367
00:13:41,148 --> 00:13:42,684
What are you doing?
368
00:13:47,342 --> 00:13:48,827
If I'm being totally honest,
369
00:13:48,850 --> 00:13:51,174
I've had some alcoholic
beverages tonight.
370
00:13:51,217 --> 00:13:54,147
Well, to be totally honest
with you, so have I.
371
00:13:54,294 --> 00:13:56,109
How do you think
I got through Annie?
372
00:13:56,146 --> 00:13:58,327
Geez, that was rough.
373
00:14:00,460 --> 00:14:02,823
- What happened here?
- I'm sorry, Dad.
374
00:14:02,950 --> 00:14:05,809
I couldn't make love to
Ms. Octopussy tonight.
375
00:14:05,950 --> 00:14:08,698
It's too dangerous,
and I was afraid the FBI
376
00:14:08,710 --> 00:14:11,073
was gonna track me down
or a paper trail.
377
00:14:11,091 --> 00:14:12,592
You think too much.
378
00:14:12,617 --> 00:14:14,748
You think too much
about everything.
379
00:14:14,773 --> 00:14:18,926
When I was your age,
my dad got a girl for me, too.
380
00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:22,114
I mean, this is almost
a Miller family tradition.
381
00:14:22,375 --> 00:14:24,276
You should have seen her boobs.
382
00:14:24,487 --> 00:14:25,816
They were great.
383
00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:27,854
Real pointy,
just like I like 'em.
384
00:14:27,878 --> 00:14:29,191
Gross.
385
00:14:30,746 --> 00:14:32,512
Listen, Nicky,
386
00:14:33,773 --> 00:14:36,191
you don't have to do anything
387
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:38,601
that you don't want to do.
388
00:14:38,793 --> 00:14:40,946
I just want to make sure
that you don't miss out
389
00:14:40,958 --> 00:14:42,894
on the things in life
390
00:14:42,929 --> 00:14:45,606
that are happening when
you're not thinking.
391
00:14:45,898 --> 00:14:47,996
Because, believe you me,
392
00:14:48,277 --> 00:14:49,621
those...
393
00:14:49,645 --> 00:14:51,645
are the best things in life.
394
00:14:52,332 --> 00:14:53,957
I think I really like drinking.
395
00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,845
Well, that's great.
That's wonderful. That's good.
396
00:14:55,863 --> 00:14:57,462
- That's a great start.
- It's really fun.
397
00:14:57,499 --> 00:14:58,955
- It makes me feel good.
- Good.
398
00:14:58,986 --> 00:15:00,293
(chuckles)
399
00:15:00,455 --> 00:15:01,977
Uh...
400
00:15:02,922 --> 00:15:04,916
Don't tell Winston
about the girls.
401
00:15:04,947 --> 00:15:06,863
You know,
that they're... pros.
402
00:15:06,882 --> 00:15:09,345
- Yeah, I won't. - I don't want
to break his heart, you know?
403
00:15:09,370 --> 00:15:11,454
- Okay.
- I mean, you can tell him, but just...
404
00:15:11,485 --> 00:15:12,955
wait, you know?
405
00:15:13,036 --> 00:15:14,461
Maybe after I'm gone.
406
00:15:14,498 --> 00:15:16,561
I'll tell him when you're dead.
407
00:15:16,761 --> 00:15:18,755
So it's time you should know.
408
00:15:18,777 --> 00:15:20,158
Mysteria...
409
00:15:20,184 --> 00:15:22,827
On the bright side, looks
like you won the contest.
410
00:15:22,839 --> 00:15:24,524
- Actually...
- Jess, look at him.
411
00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:26,237
- Let him have this.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, Winston.
412
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:27,905
I just can't let you win this.
413
00:15:27,936 --> 00:15:29,692
My story...
414
00:15:29,717 --> 00:15:31,430
involves...
415
00:15:31,542 --> 00:15:32,776
murder.
416
00:15:34,243 --> 00:15:35,768
(laughs)
417
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:39,562
Was Mysteria even
her real name?
418
00:15:40,408 --> 00:15:41,708
No.
419
00:15:43,355 --> 00:15:47,694
So I'd just moved to L.A. to be with
Cece, and we went out to some bar.
420
00:15:47,724 --> 00:15:49,756
- Do you remember where that was?
- No.
421
00:15:50,185 --> 00:15:52,580
How did I get this far
without having sex?
422
00:15:52,627 --> 00:15:55,193
In three years,
I'm gonna be 25.
423
00:15:55,218 --> 00:15:57,561
I can't rent my first
car as a virgin.
424
00:15:57,684 --> 00:15:58,883
They'll know.
425
00:15:58,928 --> 00:16:00,581
Okay. What about
those guys over there?
426
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,091
- Mega beer!
- Party!
427
00:16:03,109 --> 00:16:04,752
- Pour beer at the same time.
- Yeah!
428
00:16:04,783 --> 00:16:06,321
They are definitely single.
429
00:16:06,381 --> 00:16:07,792
Yeah!
430
00:16:08,179 --> 00:16:10,352
I mean, kill me.
431
00:16:12,531 --> 00:16:13,593
Oh, my God.
432
00:16:13,638 --> 00:16:15,718
It was the guy from prom night.
433
00:16:15,737 --> 00:16:17,136
It was fate.
434
00:16:17,761 --> 00:16:19,755
- Want to get out of here?
- (chuckles)
435
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:22,200
- Like, to do it?
- (chuckles)
436
00:16:22,512 --> 00:16:24,231
- Yeah. I'd be down with that.
- Yes.
437
00:16:24,267 --> 00:16:26,346
Um, but I'm kind of living
out of my car right now.
438
00:16:26,359 --> 00:16:27,603
- Damn it.
- Yeah.
439
00:16:27,628 --> 00:16:30,070
And I'm sleeping
on my friend's couch.
440
00:16:35,265 --> 00:16:37,123
Do you like DVDs?
441
00:16:39,785 --> 00:16:41,786
Do you sell cookies?
442
00:16:44,489 --> 00:16:46,324
Not a cookie bar.
443
00:16:48,953 --> 00:16:50,787
I have an idea.
444
00:16:50,895 --> 00:16:52,863
(kissing sounds)
445
00:16:53,475 --> 00:16:56,728
Hey, uh, I'm kind of on a lot
of antidepressants right now,
446
00:16:56,753 --> 00:16:58,597
so this may kind of
take a while.
447
00:16:58,628 --> 00:17:02,430
The only antidepressants
you need are in my pants.
448
00:17:02,716 --> 00:17:04,447
Uh, it's really
a medical issue.
449
00:17:04,478 --> 00:17:06,856
I'm so sorry.
That was really uncool.
450
00:17:06,869 --> 00:17:08,925
And... take as much
time as you need.
451
00:17:09,142 --> 00:17:11,376
So, two hours later...
452
00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:12,390
still nothing.
453
00:17:12,408 --> 00:17:15,173
It was like a wind sock
on a windless day.
454
00:17:15,317 --> 00:17:17,572
Give me an update, brother.
How's your wang?
455
00:17:17,621 --> 00:17:18,353
(crying)
456
00:17:18,378 --> 00:17:19,503
Do you have, like, an...
457
00:17:19,522 --> 00:17:21,213
Is there, like, an
angle you could...
458
00:17:21,648 --> 00:17:22,886
like... I mean...
459
00:17:22,904 --> 00:17:24,934
It's just... it's so much easier
when it's, like, in the shower,
460
00:17:24,952 --> 00:17:26,870
you know, and you're by
yourself and you don't...
461
00:17:26,895 --> 00:17:27,943
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
462
00:17:27,955 --> 00:17:29,991
- And there's no one with you.
- Well, what can I do to help? Listen,
463
00:17:30,010 --> 00:17:32,702
why don't we try our luck on the
other side of the castle, okay?
464
00:17:32,726 --> 00:17:34,171
(muffled grunting)
465
00:17:34,351 --> 00:17:35,730
JESS: Oh, my God!
466
00:17:35,868 --> 00:17:36,624
(groans)
467
00:17:36,648 --> 00:17:37,767
We're stuck.
468
00:17:37,838 --> 00:17:40,439
MAN: Hey, uh, don't
really know why, but...
469
00:17:41,550 --> 00:17:42,526
ready now.
470
00:17:42,545 --> 00:17:44,514
- NICK: Okay, getting worse.
- SCHMIDT: We were promised murder.
471
00:17:44,532 --> 00:17:45,682
CECE:
She's not done.
472
00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:48,423
Hey...
473
00:17:48,458 --> 00:17:50,991
hey, kids. Could one of
you go get a grown-up?
474
00:17:50,997 --> 00:17:53,600
We're doing some grown-up
things over here.
475
00:17:54,030 --> 00:17:56,443
- MAN: Happy birth... Happy birthday.
- JESS: Happy birthday.
476
00:17:56,475 --> 00:17:57,876
(siren wails,
fire truck horn blasts)
477
00:17:57,906 --> 00:18:00,340
Sir, um, we tried to make love
478
00:18:00,352 --> 00:18:04,001
on the bench, but, uh,
there was a man there.
479
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:06,778
Oh, he's still there.
He must have been very tired.
480
00:18:06,792 --> 00:18:08,825
He slept through
all those sirens.
481
00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:10,893
- This man's dead.
- What?!
482
00:18:10,962 --> 00:18:14,237
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- (sobbing): I'm stuck!
483
00:18:14,353 --> 00:18:16,373
Officer, I...
it was very dark,
484
00:18:16,387 --> 00:18:18,050
and I did not see the knife.
485
00:18:18,068 --> 00:18:19,914
There's so much
death in the world.
486
00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:22,109
Seriously, dude, take
your pills! I'm sick of you.
487
00:18:22,128 --> 00:18:23,172
I'm sick of you!
488
00:18:23,196 --> 00:18:24,832
- I'm sick of you!
- MAN: Important reminder...
489
00:18:24,848 --> 00:18:26,396
don't move.
490
00:18:27,494 --> 00:18:29,873
(sobbing):
I think I might be gay!
491
00:18:29,898 --> 00:18:30,661
Yeah.
492
00:18:30,697 --> 00:18:32,800
(sobbing):
Oh, my God.
493
00:18:33,018 --> 00:18:35,542
Teddy's gay?
I knew it. Yes.
494
00:18:35,564 --> 00:18:36,917
That wasn't Teddy.
495
00:18:38,238 --> 00:18:40,457
- That was Teddy.
- NICK: What?
496
00:18:40,475 --> 00:18:42,509
♪ You try to give away a keeper
or keep me ♪
497
00:18:42,534 --> 00:18:47,247
♪ 'Cause you know you're just
so scared to lose ♪
498
00:18:48,474 --> 00:18:50,411
♪ And you say... ♪
499
00:18:50,801 --> 00:18:52,569
I'm Teddy.
500
00:18:52,623 --> 00:18:53,611
Teddy Sherman.
501
00:18:53,630 --> 00:18:55,324
♪ Stay... ♪
502
00:18:55,869 --> 00:18:58,304
Take me home, Teddy.
503
00:18:58,686 --> 00:19:00,470
Take me home.
504
00:19:01,312 --> 00:19:02,696
(engine revving)
505
00:19:02,826 --> 00:19:03,738
(groans)
506
00:19:03,763 --> 00:19:05,267
I'm sick of firemen
always winning.
507
00:19:05,292 --> 00:19:07,881
Well, you know,
I'd just waited so long,
508
00:19:07,887 --> 00:19:09,423
and Teddy took me by surprise.
509
00:19:09,442 --> 00:19:11,100
It was the heat of the moment.
510
00:19:11,135 --> 00:19:12,435
I didn't have to think about it.
511
00:19:12,459 --> 00:19:14,244
SCHMIDT: Well, who wins?
I-I need a winner.
512
00:19:14,256 --> 00:19:16,971
- I think we're all losers.
- Are you kidding me, Jess?
513
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:20,674
You had passionate sex
with a fireman, all right?
514
00:19:20,697 --> 00:19:22,466
I had sex with a hooker.
515
00:19:22,514 --> 00:19:25,148
Well, I mean, unless... Are you
guys sure she was a hooker?
516
00:19:25,176 --> 00:19:26,664
(overlapping chatter)
517
00:19:26,744 --> 00:19:28,048
NICK: Jess, wait.
518
00:19:28,370 --> 00:19:31,528
So, is he, like, the kind of fireman that
hangs back and takes care of the dog?
519
00:19:31,568 --> 00:19:33,349
No, he, like,
520
00:19:33,399 --> 00:19:34,768
straight up fought fires.
521
00:19:34,785 --> 00:19:36,423
- That's awful to hear.
- You know,
522
00:19:36,448 --> 00:19:38,909
you never actually told me
how you lost yours.
523
00:19:39,083 --> 00:19:40,733
Alison Daniels.
524
00:19:40,857 --> 00:19:43,392
On a towel in the woods.
525
00:19:43,790 --> 00:19:45,078
I cried.
526
00:19:45,117 --> 00:19:47,051
She kept her bra on.
527
00:19:47,206 --> 00:19:48,569
It was nice.
528
00:19:50,713 --> 00:19:51,869
(cell phone ringing)
529
00:19:51,887 --> 00:19:53,317
Oh.
530
00:19:54,070 --> 00:19:55,404
I have to go meet Teddy.
531
00:19:55,429 --> 00:19:57,160
I should go.
532
00:19:59,913 --> 00:20:01,874
What do you think?
533
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:17,966
♪ ♪
534
00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:20,946
What are you doing?
(gasps)
535
00:20:21,712 --> 00:20:23,656
Let's not think about it.
536
00:20:24,643 --> 00:20:26,318
I've got three hours
till the red-eye.
537
00:20:26,330 --> 00:20:28,231
- Let's do this.
- Um...
538
00:20:28,348 --> 00:20:30,231
Babe, you know I don't
do well under pressure.
539
00:20:30,256 --> 00:20:32,114
Well, just distract
yourself. Um...
540
00:20:32,157 --> 00:20:33,629
here, turn on the TV.
541
00:20:33,641 --> 00:20:37,484
♪ I've been trying to hide,
we held our breath ♪
542
00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:40,777
♪ To see our names
are written... ♪
543
00:20:42,904 --> 00:20:45,291
Look, we're gonna be married
in, like, two days.
544
00:20:45,325 --> 00:20:47,580
Should we maybe, you know,
545
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,447
try it once?
546
00:20:49,573 --> 00:20:50,844
Not yet.
547
00:20:50,868 --> 00:20:51,922
(chuckles)
548
00:20:51,941 --> 00:20:54,217
♪ Yes, since we found out ♪
549
00:20:54,313 --> 00:20:56,502
♪ Since we found out ♪
550
00:20:56,521 --> 00:20:59,058
♪ That anything could happen ♪
551
00:20:59,077 --> 00:21:01,244
♪ Anything could happen ♪
552
00:21:01,449 --> 00:21:03,584
♪ Anything could happen ♪
553
00:21:03,732 --> 00:21:06,033
♪ Anything could happen ♪
554
00:21:06,082 --> 00:21:08,217
♪ Anything could happen ♪
555
00:21:08,247 --> 00:21:10,181
♪ Anything could... ♪
556
00:21:14,252 --> 00:21:15,948
What is that?
557
00:21:17,712 --> 00:21:21,081
It's a super intense German
personal power massager.
558
00:21:21,169 --> 00:21:23,904
But I don't think we need it.
559
00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:26,770
Hey. You know...
560
00:21:26,945 --> 00:21:28,440
since you...
561
00:21:28,527 --> 00:21:31,218
came all this way
with that box...
562
00:21:33,134 --> 00:21:36,095
We'll have to take the batteries
out of the smoke detector.
563
00:21:37,901 --> 00:21:39,441
(panting)
564
00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:42,804
(sighs, chuckles)
565
00:21:44,150 --> 00:21:48,202
(sighs)
566
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,332
(chuckles)
567
00:22:06,926 --> 00:22:08,801
BOTH (laughing):
Oh, boy.
568
00:22:08,825 --> 00:22:10,782
JESS (à la Scooby-Scooby-Doo):
Ruh-roh.
569
00:22:10,813 --> 00:22:15,813
Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com