1 00:00:01,718 --> 00:00:02,969 I need it. I have a big day at work today. 2 00:00:02,994 --> 00:00:05,508 I need it more. I have to bake muffins before work. 3 00:00:05,533 --> 00:00:07,430 - What? Why? - 'Cause it's for my... 4 00:00:07,455 --> 00:00:10,038 "Lunch With Your Princi-Pal" campaign. 5 00:00:10,063 --> 00:00:11,637 See, being principal's great, 6 00:00:11,662 --> 00:00:13,136 but unlike being vice principal, 7 00:00:13,161 --> 00:00:14,594 now the buck stops with me. 8 00:00:14,637 --> 00:00:17,104 I'm "the Man" now, and all the kids 9 00:00:17,139 --> 00:00:19,675 can just smell "the Man" all over me. 10 00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:21,558 That sounded really weird. 11 00:00:21,583 --> 00:00:22,849 All I'm saying is, 12 00:00:22,874 --> 00:00:25,389 suddenly I have no relationship with the kids. 13 00:00:25,414 --> 00:00:27,894 I'm really counting on these muffins to humanize me. 14 00:00:27,919 --> 00:00:29,269 I deserve that coffee. 15 00:00:29,294 --> 00:00:32,304 I'm finally director of marketing at Ass Strat. 16 00:00:32,383 --> 00:00:35,038 Today I get to hire an assistant. 17 00:00:35,063 --> 00:00:36,570 I'm gonna be tough, 18 00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:38,138 but I won't be a screamer. 19 00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:39,968 It's not constructive, it's rude. 20 00:00:39,999 --> 00:00:41,585 - Ooh, coffee. - Your pour that coffee down, 21 00:00:41,610 --> 00:00:43,226 you throw it or I'll pour your blood on the ground! 22 00:00:43,251 --> 00:00:45,814 - You'll pour my blood on the ground? - I'll knife you! 23 00:00:45,839 --> 00:00:48,212 Look, I got a full day of writing ahead of me, 24 00:00:48,237 --> 00:00:50,403 and that requires a fourth cup of joe. 25 00:00:50,439 --> 00:00:52,040 What else is my whiskey gonna swim in? 26 00:00:52,065 --> 00:00:53,733 You're taking this too far. You treat that heart of yours 27 00:00:53,758 --> 00:00:54,969 like a baseball-man's mitt. 28 00:00:54,994 --> 00:00:57,621 Uh, hello, I am the one packing for our move today, 29 00:00:57,646 --> 00:00:59,836 so I will be having, uh, the coffee. 30 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,126 - I get the coffee! - Enough is enough with this! 31 00:01:03,151 --> 00:01:04,644 - What are you doing here, Winston?! - I get the coffee! 32 00:01:04,669 --> 00:01:06,496 Enough! 33 00:01:06,956 --> 00:01:08,698 You guys are tearing each other apart. 34 00:01:08,723 --> 00:01:11,391 For what? Coffee? 35 00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:15,169 Come on, man, you already got that energy inside of you. 36 00:01:15,194 --> 00:01:17,928 And that is the light of the Lord. 37 00:01:17,953 --> 00:01:19,786 Man, this? 38 00:01:19,901 --> 00:01:22,035 This ain't nothing but the devil's water. 39 00:01:23,446 --> 00:01:25,515 - Nah, I'm just playing. - Hey, Winston! 40 00:01:25,540 --> 00:01:27,507 Winston, that wasn't fair! 41 00:01:27,532 --> 00:01:28,920 I'll knife you by the urinal, Winston! 42 00:01:28,945 --> 00:01:30,436 Enough with the knifing. 43 00:01:30,461 --> 00:01:34,377 Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com 44 00:01:34,509 --> 00:01:37,217 Today's the day it all turns around. 45 00:01:37,446 --> 00:01:39,587 - Hey. - Sorr... I'm sorry I hit you, Jess. 46 00:01:39,612 --> 00:01:41,578 I didn't mean to. I'm using magnetic words 47 00:01:41,603 --> 00:01:43,993 to break through my writer's block, and it's not working. 48 00:01:44,018 --> 00:01:46,799 I've already folded all my shirts and masturbated six times, 49 00:01:46,824 --> 00:01:48,385 and I'm running out of things to do. 50 00:01:48,410 --> 00:01:51,385 I'm just in a real bind. You see, The Pepperwood Chronicles... 51 00:01:51,410 --> 00:01:53,096 sold over 30 copies, Jess. 52 00:01:53,121 --> 00:01:54,893 So, what, we're complaining about good things now? 53 00:01:54,941 --> 00:01:57,018 It's just, my audience is gonna be clamoring for a sequel, 54 00:01:57,043 --> 00:01:59,316 and I can't leave those stevedores, 55 00:01:59,341 --> 00:02:01,135 those-those tugboat workers, 56 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:02,900 those lighthouse keepers empty-handed. 57 00:02:02,925 --> 00:02:05,377 You think that your audience is entirely made of, like... 58 00:02:05,402 --> 00:02:08,225 Blue-collar nautical workers on the coastline of Maine. 59 00:02:08,250 --> 00:02:10,492 I don't think that, Jess, I know that. 60 00:02:10,517 --> 00:02:12,453 Okay, Nick, you're incredibly talented. 61 00:02:12,478 --> 00:02:14,598 You can do this. And you have the key, 62 00:02:14,623 --> 00:02:16,814 and the key is simply... 63 00:02:16,839 --> 00:02:19,172 Oh. I have to go. 64 00:02:19,197 --> 00:02:20,305 Simply what? 65 00:02:20,330 --> 00:02:21,963 Jess, simply what?! 66 00:02:24,580 --> 00:02:26,205 All right. 67 00:02:26,637 --> 00:02:29,971 What do we have here? "Sentient feces." 68 00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:33,039 Why is there a magnet that says "feces"? 69 00:02:33,074 --> 00:02:35,208 All right. Trust the process. 70 00:02:35,599 --> 00:02:37,536 Ugh. Thanks for helping me pack. 71 00:02:37,561 --> 00:02:38,741 No problem. 72 00:02:38,766 --> 00:02:40,791 This might be our last chance for a mess-around. 73 00:02:40,816 --> 00:02:42,288 Don't you start with that last mess-around stuff. 74 00:02:42,313 --> 00:02:44,035 - Don't you start. - Don't start, 'cause then I'll start. 75 00:02:44,060 --> 00:02:45,069 Look, I'm already starting. Don't start. 76 00:02:45,094 --> 00:02:47,334 - I didn't start this whole thing. - I can't do it, okay? 77 00:02:47,537 --> 00:02:49,012 Okay. 78 00:02:49,037 --> 00:02:50,334 Okay, we agreed, 79 00:02:50,359 --> 00:02:52,311 let's just pack, okay? 80 00:02:52,336 --> 00:02:53,368 Great. 81 00:02:53,393 --> 00:02:55,944 - Furguson? Where have you been? - What? Hi! 82 00:02:55,969 --> 00:02:57,194 Huh? When you leave the house, 83 00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:58,826 you take your cell phone with you. 84 00:02:58,851 --> 00:03:02,913 Oh! Oh, thank you so much for grabbing my cat. 85 00:03:02,938 --> 00:03:05,612 Come on, Sweatshirt, there's still some sashimi left between my toes. 86 00:03:05,637 --> 00:03:09,308 Uh, this here is, uh, Winston's cat, Furguson. 87 00:03:09,333 --> 00:03:11,939 Sweatshirt walked through my door a year ago, 88 00:03:11,964 --> 00:03:13,980 and while he may come and go as he pleases, 89 00:03:14,015 --> 00:03:17,383 he loves Mommy and her little milkies. 90 00:03:17,419 --> 00:03:19,065 Yes, he does. 91 00:03:19,090 --> 00:03:20,820 - I'm his home. - Oh, really? 92 00:03:20,845 --> 00:03:22,797 So why do I have a photo of Furguson... 93 00:03:22,833 --> 00:03:24,257 on my phone? 94 00:03:24,292 --> 00:03:25,492 Oh, yeah? 95 00:03:25,527 --> 00:03:27,594 Then why do I have a picture of Sweatshirt... 96 00:03:27,629 --> 00:03:29,596 - on my sweatshirt? - Oh, damn. 97 00:03:32,276 --> 00:03:33,963 Furguson, you got... 98 00:03:33,988 --> 00:03:36,255 you got two families, you dirty dog. 99 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:37,886 Look, I'm sorry about that. 100 00:03:37,911 --> 00:03:39,505 I'm Winston. This is Cece. 101 00:03:39,530 --> 00:03:42,924 Name's Gil... like the man's name, but for me. 102 00:03:45,463 --> 00:03:46,613 Cornell. 103 00:03:46,648 --> 00:03:48,026 Magna cum laude. 104 00:03:48,051 --> 00:03:50,709 Two years of executive assistant experience. 105 00:03:50,734 --> 00:03:54,186 Very nice. Is this 24-pound linen stock? 106 00:03:54,211 --> 00:03:56,069 - Uh, yeah, it is. - Impressive. 107 00:03:56,094 --> 00:03:58,733 Ken, do me a favor. Will you, uh, untie your tie? 108 00:03:58,765 --> 00:04:02,237 Uh, I can't, actually. It's, um... it's a clip-on. 109 00:04:02,262 --> 00:04:03,323 I know. 110 00:04:03,354 --> 00:04:05,487 Thanks so much, son. See yourself out. 111 00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:06,877 Next. 112 00:04:08,424 --> 00:04:09,683 Hello, sir. 113 00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,695 - Hello. - My name is Jeremy. 114 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:12,985 Thank you. 115 00:04:13,010 --> 00:04:14,607 Let me give you a scenario. 116 00:04:14,643 --> 00:04:16,476 We land the Bronco Blue Jeans account 117 00:04:16,511 --> 00:04:19,379 and install Brett Favre as its face. 118 00:04:19,414 --> 00:04:21,681 You receive a call from a nosy maître d'. 119 00:04:21,716 --> 00:04:23,949 It appears that Brett has been spotted 120 00:04:23,974 --> 00:04:25,793 at the Ritz-Carlton eating a salad, 121 00:04:25,818 --> 00:04:27,531 dressed in a tuxedo. 122 00:04:27,556 --> 00:04:29,012 The paparazzi are on their way. 123 00:04:29,037 --> 00:04:31,128 You rush in to alert me. You find me dead. 124 00:04:31,153 --> 00:04:32,158 What do you do? 125 00:04:32,193 --> 00:04:34,160 I find a honky-tonk bar near the Ritz Carlton. 126 00:04:34,195 --> 00:04:36,082 I leave a pair of perfectly broken-in Bronco Blue Jeans 127 00:04:36,107 --> 00:04:37,216 in Mr. Favre's size, 128 00:04:37,241 --> 00:04:39,442 as well as a grass-stained T-shirt on the floor of the bathroom. 129 00:04:39,467 --> 00:04:40,801 I get on the phone, rent a tractor, 130 00:04:40,826 --> 00:04:42,957 drive it directly into the swimming pool of the Ritz-Carlton. 131 00:04:42,982 --> 00:04:44,671 When the staff is distracted, I physically subdue 132 00:04:44,706 --> 00:04:46,885 Mr. Favre under the weight of my full body, 133 00:04:46,910 --> 00:04:49,270 look him in the eyes and tell him to repeat after me: 134 00:04:49,295 --> 00:04:52,463 "I got drunk playing football and remember nothing since. 135 00:04:52,488 --> 00:04:54,121 "I would never knowingly wear a tuxedo, 136 00:04:54,146 --> 00:04:56,393 "drive a tractor into a swimming pool or eat a salad. 137 00:04:56,418 --> 00:04:57,717 "And I would never knowingly... 138 00:04:57,752 --> 00:04:59,028 "leave my Bronco Blue Jeans behind." 139 00:04:59,053 --> 00:05:02,121 - And the maître d'? - I rented the tractor in his name. 140 00:05:02,146 --> 00:05:05,147 The next call he'll be making will be from the police station. 141 00:05:07,879 --> 00:05:09,817 Welcome to Ass Strat. 142 00:05:09,842 --> 00:05:10,903 Muffin? 143 00:05:10,928 --> 00:05:12,476 Muffin. They're homemade. 144 00:05:12,501 --> 00:05:13,505 - Blueberry. - You're so funny! 145 00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:15,309 Look out, principal's coming! 146 00:05:15,334 --> 00:05:16,900 Bah. Just kidding. Muffin? 147 00:05:16,925 --> 00:05:19,025 Are you calling me Muffin or offering me one? 148 00:05:19,050 --> 00:05:20,550 Either way, no. 149 00:05:20,575 --> 00:05:23,353 Okay. Well, cool, cool, cool, cool. 150 00:05:23,378 --> 00:05:25,850 I think Bayou Sue sent the letter... 151 00:05:26,491 --> 00:05:27,812 Sorry, what did you say? 152 00:05:27,837 --> 00:05:29,376 Sorry. Are we in trouble? 153 00:05:29,439 --> 00:05:31,829 No, I just... Did you say Bayou Sue? 154 00:05:31,854 --> 00:05:34,072 She's just a character in this book that we're obsessed with. 155 00:05:34,097 --> 00:05:35,150 Yeah, Pepperwood Chronicles. 156 00:05:35,175 --> 00:05:37,790 Anyway, you probably wouldn't know anything about it. 157 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,541 I put a couple copies in the library, 158 00:05:41,566 --> 00:05:43,564 and the librarian didn't think it'd go anywhere. 159 00:05:43,589 --> 00:05:46,064 I can't wait to rub it in Esther's smug face. 160 00:05:46,089 --> 00:05:48,256 - That's very flattering. - Please come and talk to these girls. 161 00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:49,907 They're obsessed with Pepperwood. 162 00:05:49,932 --> 00:05:52,649 I don't have time for this. I'm only on page two. 163 00:05:52,674 --> 00:05:54,774 And page one is just a dedication to Winston. 164 00:05:54,809 --> 00:05:56,360 Ugh. Come on. 165 00:05:56,385 --> 00:05:58,421 The kids used to love Vice Principal Jess, 166 00:05:58,446 --> 00:06:00,780 and now they won't have anything to do with Principal Jess. 167 00:06:00,815 --> 00:06:03,549 It's like I'm living in my own damn adorable shadow. 168 00:06:03,585 --> 00:06:06,032 Please? You-you might get some ideas from your audience. 169 00:06:06,057 --> 00:06:08,394 My audience is the men who built this great country. 170 00:06:08,419 --> 00:06:09,919 Your students would never understand 171 00:06:09,944 --> 00:06:12,836 that Pepperwood's just a New Orleans story 172 00:06:12,861 --> 00:06:16,116 about a guy fighting with the alligator within. 173 00:06:16,141 --> 00:06:17,751 Well, could you just do it for me? 174 00:06:17,776 --> 00:06:19,351 Yeah, I'll.. I mean, I'll do it for you, Jess, sure. 175 00:06:19,376 --> 00:06:20,533 Well, then why didn't you... 176 00:06:20,568 --> 00:06:22,874 You know what, I'm happy with where we ended up, 177 00:06:22,899 --> 00:06:25,173 but you took me on a real spin around the block there. 178 00:06:25,724 --> 00:06:27,099 So, as you can see here, 179 00:06:27,124 --> 00:06:28,294 I treat Furguson right. 180 00:06:28,327 --> 00:06:29,341 - Mm-hmm. - Okay? 181 00:06:29,366 --> 00:06:30,816 - Organic kitty litter. - Mm-hmm. 182 00:06:30,841 --> 00:06:32,636 I got the miniature piano, 183 00:06:32,661 --> 00:06:34,294 the tiny, tiny treadmill, 184 00:06:34,329 --> 00:06:36,863 and right over here is where we do couples yoga. 185 00:06:38,258 --> 00:06:39,707 Fish nuggets? 186 00:06:39,741 --> 00:06:42,716 Oh, well, that would explain his recent oily eliminations, 187 00:06:42,741 --> 00:06:44,418 which I document on the cloud. 188 00:06:44,443 --> 00:06:45,839 You track his poop? 189 00:06:45,874 --> 00:06:48,566 What, you just weigh his hairballs and clock out? 190 00:06:48,591 --> 00:06:50,649 - I mean, I... - Furguson is happy here, okay? 191 00:06:50,674 --> 00:06:52,541 Around people that actually cherish him. 192 00:06:52,566 --> 00:06:54,471 - Don't you start, Cece. - And who helped him become... 193 00:06:54,496 --> 00:06:55,707 the cat that he is. 194 00:06:55,732 --> 00:06:57,330 - Now ain't the time. - I'm sorry, but it's true. 195 00:06:57,355 --> 00:06:58,446 Now ain't the time. 196 00:06:58,471 --> 00:06:59,822 - What's happening? - I'm trying, okay? 197 00:06:59,847 --> 00:07:02,114 I've just got to breathe for a second. 198 00:07:03,346 --> 00:07:04,993 Let me explain something to you, okay? 199 00:07:05,018 --> 00:07:06,184 Furguson is my cat. 200 00:07:06,220 --> 00:07:07,365 I found him first. 201 00:07:07,390 --> 00:07:09,232 Well, you may have found Furguson, 202 00:07:09,257 --> 00:07:10,936 but Sweatshirt found me. 203 00:07:10,961 --> 00:07:12,124 I see you want to play hardball here. 204 00:07:12,149 --> 00:07:13,269 - How about this? - Mm-hmm. 205 00:07:13,294 --> 00:07:15,164 We settle things the way we do on the street. 206 00:07:15,189 --> 00:07:16,922 - Mm-hmm. - Catcall. 207 00:07:16,947 --> 00:07:18,766 - What? - We let Furguson decide. 208 00:07:18,791 --> 00:07:19,937 - Oh, yeah. - Fine. 209 00:07:19,962 --> 00:07:21,478 We'll leave the decision in his paws. 210 00:07:21,503 --> 00:07:22,869 Which are now incredibly strong, 211 00:07:22,894 --> 00:07:25,845 thanks to his new set of, uh, mini-dumbbells. 212 00:07:25,870 --> 00:07:27,126 You're welcome. 213 00:07:27,151 --> 00:07:28,306 Ooh, ooh! 214 00:07:28,331 --> 00:07:29,970 Okay, Pepper-heads! 215 00:07:29,995 --> 00:07:31,720 Get ready for a memorable experience, 216 00:07:31,745 --> 00:07:33,634 which I hope you will recount at your weddings, 217 00:07:33,659 --> 00:07:34,859 which I will also be at, 218 00:07:34,884 --> 00:07:36,048 brought to you by your favorite 219 00:07:36,073 --> 00:07:38,212 principal-slash-friend, Jessica Day. 220 00:07:38,237 --> 00:07:40,229 Please welcome your favorite author, 221 00:07:40,268 --> 00:07:41,384 Nick Miller! 222 00:07:41,436 --> 00:07:42,889 Yay! 223 00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:45,439 No, no, no. Stop it, stop it. 224 00:07:45,464 --> 00:07:46,863 All right, let's get this over with. 225 00:07:46,888 --> 00:07:48,259 Uh, let's talk about the book 226 00:07:48,284 --> 00:07:49,658 you guys most certainly don't understand 227 00:07:49,683 --> 00:07:51,016 because it wasn't written for you 228 00:07:51,041 --> 00:07:52,595 or people your age. Go ahead. 229 00:07:52,620 --> 00:07:53,900 - The kissing. - OMG, the romance. 230 00:07:53,925 --> 00:07:55,423 - The make out scene at the levee. - Oh, the romance. 231 00:07:55,448 --> 00:07:59,197 Guys! Pepperwood's about way more than just a romance. 232 00:07:59,222 --> 00:08:02,392 It's... it's, uh, it's about life, you know? 233 00:08:02,443 --> 00:08:03,509 Race. 234 00:08:03,544 --> 00:08:06,612 The sexualization of the American handgun. 235 00:08:06,647 --> 00:08:07,908 - Keep it clean. - Okay. 236 00:08:07,933 --> 00:08:10,534 It's a story about his ambiguous relationship 237 00:08:10,559 --> 00:08:11,959 with... with justice. 238 00:08:11,984 --> 00:08:14,030 But the romance is amazing. 239 00:08:14,055 --> 00:08:16,728 It made me realize it doesn't matter if I'm straight or gay; 240 00:08:16,753 --> 00:08:18,369 I'm just me. 241 00:08:18,642 --> 00:08:20,611 You got that from my book? 242 00:08:20,636 --> 00:08:22,525 That's... yeah. That was positive. 243 00:08:22,550 --> 00:08:25,314 Do you think that's because of the gay dog character? 244 00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:27,859 - Yeah. - What I really respect about that is... 245 00:08:27,884 --> 00:08:30,392 it's never mentioned that he's a gay dog. 246 00:08:30,417 --> 00:08:32,689 But you got that from the writing. 247 00:08:33,009 --> 00:08:34,158 And that's pretty dope. 248 00:08:34,183 --> 00:08:36,444 You write female desire so well. 249 00:08:36,469 --> 00:08:38,314 - Thank you. - That's okay to say, right? 250 00:08:38,339 --> 00:08:40,134 Yah, Ramona. 251 00:08:40,159 --> 00:08:41,494 I'm-I'm just like you. 252 00:08:41,519 --> 00:08:43,626 I'm your princi-pal. I'm your friend. 253 00:08:43,651 --> 00:08:45,415 I like to just throw on my rollerblades, 254 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,152 and just go out there and think. 255 00:08:47,205 --> 00:08:49,096 Can I ask you guys about the scene 256 00:08:49,121 --> 00:08:50,509 - in the fish morgue? - Oh, my God, 257 00:08:50,534 --> 00:08:52,134 - that was my favorite chapter. - Mine, too. 258 00:08:52,159 --> 00:08:54,119 - I read it, like, five times. - Yeah, same! 259 00:08:55,347 --> 00:08:56,478 - What? - I stayed up all night. 260 00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:57,874 It was such a good chapter. 261 00:08:57,899 --> 00:09:00,166 - Thank you. - Oh, yeah. You're welcome. 262 00:09:00,191 --> 00:09:01,767 Why'd you whisper it? 263 00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:03,119 Jeremy, I'm just gonna go grab a coffee, 264 00:09:03,144 --> 00:09:05,871 - and then I will... - Dark roast, soy creamer, 160 degrees. 265 00:09:05,907 --> 00:09:07,642 - How was your lunch, sir? - Disappointing. 266 00:09:07,667 --> 00:09:10,181 Why don't you eat the homemade bucatini I brought for myself? 267 00:09:11,060 --> 00:09:14,128 Well, thank you, Jeremy. 268 00:09:14,153 --> 00:09:16,264 Um, you know, 269 00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:18,608 I'm not getting e-mails on my... 270 00:09:20,192 --> 00:09:22,147 I just got an e-mail on my phone. 271 00:09:22,172 --> 00:09:23,248 It's from you. 272 00:09:23,273 --> 00:09:25,600 "Subject: Your e-mail is now working." 273 00:09:25,625 --> 00:09:26,707 All right. 274 00:09:26,732 --> 00:09:28,965 Well, Jeremy, I'm just gonna go enjoy this bucatini 275 00:09:28,990 --> 00:09:31,490 and, uh, organize the Peterson account. 276 00:09:31,515 --> 00:09:33,647 - I did it already. - You did? 277 00:09:35,725 --> 00:09:38,522 - Okay. I guess I'll just... - Enjoy your lunch. 278 00:09:41,245 --> 00:09:42,577 Yeah. 279 00:09:52,126 --> 00:09:55,027 So you're saying that Lady Diamante doesn't realize 280 00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:57,452 that it's Pepperwood's underwear for years later, 281 00:09:57,477 --> 00:09:58,729 like, 20 years later? 282 00:09:58,754 --> 00:10:01,455 Maybe she never realizes. 283 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:03,096 Yes. That's what I was gonna say, too. 284 00:10:03,121 --> 00:10:04,378 We... you and me, we're right here. 285 00:10:04,403 --> 00:10:05,721 All right. 286 00:10:06,246 --> 00:10:07,917 Wow. This is incredible. 287 00:10:07,942 --> 00:10:10,526 I mean, so many great ideas here. 288 00:10:10,551 --> 00:10:12,370 It feels like maybe The Pepperwood Chronicles 289 00:10:12,395 --> 00:10:13,753 could be, like, a whole series. 290 00:10:13,778 --> 00:10:16,346 Well, I mean, it's called The Pepperwood Chronicles, 291 00:10:16,371 --> 00:10:18,557 so I assumed there'd be more than one. 292 00:10:18,582 --> 00:10:20,550 Yeah, well, I can't thank you guys enough. 293 00:10:20,575 --> 00:10:22,620 - All right, I'll see you at home. - Home? 294 00:10:22,682 --> 00:10:25,292 - You guys live together? - Yeah, we're roommates. 295 00:10:26,260 --> 00:10:28,021 Yeah. This job doesn't pay very much, 296 00:10:28,046 --> 00:10:29,713 but it's very rewarding to hang out 297 00:10:29,738 --> 00:10:31,112 with cool people like you guys. 298 00:10:31,137 --> 00:10:32,570 You guys are actually, like, friends? 299 00:10:32,595 --> 00:10:34,104 You ready to get your mind really blown off? 300 00:10:34,129 --> 00:10:35,164 We used to date. 301 00:10:35,189 --> 00:10:36,628 Oh, yeah. 302 00:10:36,653 --> 00:10:37,855 - Like, a whole thing. - Oh, my God. 303 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:39,284 Oh, yeah, we were in love. Everything, yeah. 304 00:10:39,309 --> 00:10:40,704 For a while. 305 00:10:40,729 --> 00:10:42,269 All right, I'll see you at home. Yeah, it was crazy. 306 00:10:42,294 --> 00:10:43,669 - See you, guys. - Wow. 307 00:10:43,704 --> 00:10:46,120 You went from kind of "meh" to sort of cool 308 00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:48,493 to totally the coolest ever. 309 00:10:48,518 --> 00:10:50,009 I don't want to freak you out, but... 310 00:10:50,034 --> 00:10:51,870 that really means a lot to me. 311 00:10:51,895 --> 00:10:54,847 - All right, let's get to class. - Let's get a picture with PJ. 312 00:10:54,882 --> 00:10:56,987 Uh, what? PJ? 313 00:10:57,012 --> 00:10:58,675 Yeah, Principal Jess. 314 00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,065 Much as I'd love to foster your creativity, 315 00:11:03,090 --> 00:11:05,345 I think maybe Principal Jess or Principal Day... 316 00:11:05,370 --> 00:11:06,549 Let's not even go to class. 317 00:11:08,254 --> 00:11:11,042 Let's go to the drama room and dress up like old men. 318 00:11:11,067 --> 00:11:13,527 - PJ don't care. - Oh, PJ do care. 319 00:11:13,552 --> 00:11:16,335 PJ do care. I mean, your principal does care. 320 00:11:16,370 --> 00:11:17,917 How about we write a report on Pepperwood? 321 00:11:17,942 --> 00:11:19,376 You're hilarious. 322 00:11:19,401 --> 00:11:21,318 Yeah. You know I'm serious about the report. 323 00:11:21,343 --> 00:11:22,542 Don't walk away from me. 324 00:11:22,567 --> 00:11:24,675 Okay. Well, walk away. Just turn to the left. 325 00:11:24,704 --> 00:11:27,151 Point me out to your friends. Laugh a, laugh a little bit. 326 00:11:27,176 --> 00:11:28,890 Okay. Yeah. Keep going. 327 00:11:28,915 --> 00:11:30,706 All right, I've totally lost control. 328 00:11:31,837 --> 00:11:33,337 Ugh! Damn it! 329 00:11:33,946 --> 00:11:36,883 - Nick, I have to get to school! - I know. So do I. 330 00:11:36,908 --> 00:11:39,665 I can't wait to pitch those girls my Pepperwood prequel. 331 00:11:39,690 --> 00:11:42,733 It opens with a very graphic description of his birth. 332 00:11:42,758 --> 00:11:44,819 - It's like a dark Look Who's Talking. - No, no, no, no, Nick. 333 00:11:44,844 --> 00:11:46,063 You're not coming back to school with me. 334 00:11:46,088 --> 00:11:48,008 You made me look way too cool. 335 00:11:48,033 --> 00:11:49,632 The girls told the whole school. 336 00:11:49,657 --> 00:11:50,821 I've lost all my authority. 337 00:11:54,859 --> 00:11:56,225 This is my office. 338 00:11:56,250 --> 00:11:57,540 I got invited to that, too. 339 00:11:57,565 --> 00:12:00,366 The girls asked me to deejay at their dance party. 340 00:12:00,391 --> 00:12:01,824 They call me DJ PJ. 341 00:12:01,849 --> 00:12:03,594 They love you. Isn't that what you wanted? 342 00:12:03,619 --> 00:12:04,899 Ah, it's a tricky balance. 343 00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:06,924 I don't want to be the heavy, but I need them to listen. 344 00:12:06,949 --> 00:12:08,227 Those girls have such good ideas. 345 00:12:08,252 --> 00:12:10,321 I've got to put the genie back in the bottle. 346 00:12:10,377 --> 00:12:12,618 Ugh! See, this is what I mean. 347 00:12:12,643 --> 00:12:13,891 They added me to a text chain 348 00:12:13,916 --> 00:12:15,329 about who has the cutest butt in school. 349 00:12:15,354 --> 00:12:16,923 - And? - It's Nurse Mike. 350 00:12:16,948 --> 00:12:18,350 Interesting. 351 00:12:18,711 --> 00:12:20,507 Oh, you know what? If it's always gonna be empty, 352 00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:21,922 let's just fill it with goldfish. 353 00:12:21,947 --> 00:12:23,602 So dramatic. 354 00:12:29,420 --> 00:12:32,855 Jeremy texted me and he left an ice coffee in the fridge. 355 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:35,043 It's like this guy's in my mind. 356 00:12:35,068 --> 00:12:36,473 It's also like... 357 00:12:36,498 --> 00:12:39,379 he's in our kitchen when we're sleeping. 358 00:12:47,702 --> 00:12:49,086 Can I come help you pack? 359 00:12:49,121 --> 00:12:50,506 Jeremy's done everything around here. 360 00:12:50,531 --> 00:12:53,552 Actually, I'm not packing, I'm just, uh, 361 00:12:53,577 --> 00:12:56,038 - hanging out with Winston. - I'm so bored, Cece. 362 00:12:56,063 --> 00:12:57,125 Please. I'm desperate. 363 00:12:57,150 --> 00:12:58,469 Are you guys having one of those mess-downs? 364 00:12:58,494 --> 00:12:59,793 I could come be part of that. 365 00:12:59,818 --> 00:13:01,789 Sir, I believe the correct term is "mess-around." 366 00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:03,153 Okay. Jeremy, enough. 367 00:13:03,178 --> 00:13:04,724 Thank you very much. I appreciate it. 368 00:13:04,749 --> 00:13:06,414 That'll be all. Thank you. 369 00:13:06,439 --> 00:13:08,083 Thank you, thank you. 370 00:13:10,427 --> 00:13:12,521 - Did you say something? - Jer-Jeremy! 371 00:13:12,546 --> 00:13:13,788 Enough! 372 00:13:13,813 --> 00:13:14,847 Dear Lord. 373 00:13:14,872 --> 00:13:17,701 You know, I wanted an assistant that was gonna anticipate my every need 374 00:13:17,726 --> 00:13:19,304 so I wouldn't have to yell, but now I'm yelling, 375 00:13:19,329 --> 00:13:21,671 because I have an assistant that's anticipating my every need, 376 00:13:21,704 --> 00:13:23,171 and I can't breathe! 377 00:13:23,558 --> 00:13:25,525 Work isn't everything, man. 378 00:13:25,550 --> 00:13:28,936 Just... go meet yourself a girl. 379 00:13:28,961 --> 00:13:31,296 Or a, or a man. I don't know what you're into. 380 00:13:31,321 --> 00:13:32,753 You're very hard to read sexually. 381 00:13:32,778 --> 00:13:34,244 But please, Jeremy. That'll be all. 382 00:13:34,269 --> 00:13:36,131 - Thank you. - Sorry, sir. 383 00:13:37,303 --> 00:13:38,902 Furguson. 384 00:13:38,938 --> 00:13:40,070 Hey, boy. 385 00:13:40,105 --> 00:13:41,655 - Sweatshirt. Sweatshirt. - Furgie. 386 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,632 - Whee! - Ah, there we go. 387 00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:46,431 Hey, remember all of the good times we had? 388 00:13:46,456 --> 00:13:47,969 - So may good times. - Huh? 389 00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:50,124 What about one of those times we wore the same shirt? 390 00:13:50,149 --> 00:13:52,274 Custom shirts. 391 00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:53,424 Dad of the year. 392 00:13:53,488 --> 00:13:54,807 - Dad of the year. - Come on, Sweatshirt. 393 00:13:54,832 --> 00:13:57,531 Hey, what about the time that we geeked out on mayonnaise? 394 00:13:57,556 --> 00:14:00,182 Or how 'bout when we drove to the airport and kissed, 395 00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:01,452 watching the planes take off. 396 00:14:01,477 --> 00:14:02,885 - You did what? - Remember that? 397 00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,707 - She's moving. She's moving closer. - No, no, no. If you're moving... 398 00:14:04,732 --> 00:14:06,240 - ... then we get to come closer, too. - Yeah. We're coming closer, too. 399 00:14:06,265 --> 00:14:07,331 Sweatshirt... 400 00:14:07,356 --> 00:14:08,511 Hey, boy. 401 00:14:08,536 --> 00:14:10,003 Furguson. 402 00:14:10,249 --> 00:14:11,451 - What? - I don't know. 403 00:14:11,496 --> 00:14:13,263 Someone has crab in their pocket. 404 00:14:13,343 --> 00:14:15,076 - Oh, my God, that's insane. - Yeah, time-out. 405 00:14:15,101 --> 00:14:16,263 That's totally crazy. 406 00:14:16,302 --> 00:14:18,164 Excuse... Okay how does... 407 00:14:18,189 --> 00:14:19,239 Okay, just... 408 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,155 - Cheater! - Oh. 409 00:14:22,581 --> 00:14:25,026 Okay, well, that is from a salad 410 00:14:25,051 --> 00:14:27,240 I had earlier, 411 00:14:27,265 --> 00:14:29,674 and it must've just fallen into my pocket. 412 00:14:30,307 --> 00:14:31,758 Cece. 413 00:14:32,343 --> 00:14:34,752 I can't believe you did this. 414 00:14:35,078 --> 00:14:36,497 It's just... 415 00:14:38,697 --> 00:14:39,696 Okay. 416 00:14:39,732 --> 00:14:42,077 This is gonna be our last mess-around... 417 00:14:42,284 --> 00:14:45,569 before I leave, and I just don't want Furguson to leave you, too. 418 00:14:45,604 --> 00:14:48,171 Just because you stop living together... 419 00:14:48,207 --> 00:14:49,883 doesn't mean... 420 00:14:49,908 --> 00:14:52,032 you stop caring about somebody. 421 00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:53,910 Because caring... 422 00:14:53,946 --> 00:14:56,153 that is the real mess-around. 423 00:14:56,178 --> 00:14:57,297 Come on. 424 00:15:00,754 --> 00:15:02,332 Winnie. Winnie, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie! 425 00:15:03,417 --> 00:15:04,674 Oh, my God. 426 00:15:04,699 --> 00:15:05,767 He chose. 427 00:15:05,792 --> 00:15:07,291 - Ha! - Yeah. 428 00:15:07,316 --> 00:15:09,149 - Ha-ha-ha, you see? - Ha-oh! 429 00:15:09,174 --> 00:15:11,308 - The crab claw didn't matter. - Mm-mm. 430 00:15:11,333 --> 00:15:12,466 Furgie chose. 431 00:15:12,491 --> 00:15:13,601 Outta sight! 432 00:15:14,673 --> 00:15:16,510 Come here, my man. Ah! 433 00:15:17,844 --> 00:15:19,136 Aw. 434 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:22,225 Well, I suppose what's done is done. 435 00:15:22,250 --> 00:15:23,473 He's all yours. 436 00:15:23,509 --> 00:15:24,992 Good-bye, Sweat... 437 00:15:26,340 --> 00:15:28,046 Good-bye, Furguson. 438 00:15:28,380 --> 00:15:29,422 Yeah. 439 00:15:38,587 --> 00:15:40,632 Do you guys think it's cool or weird if, uh, 440 00:15:40,657 --> 00:15:42,412 Pepperwood has a peg leg? Where we at on that? 441 00:15:42,437 --> 00:15:44,069 I'm afraid it might make him too vulnerable. 442 00:15:44,094 --> 00:15:46,127 I just don't see it that way. I think it makes... 443 00:15:46,152 --> 00:15:48,372 All right. No peg leg, I guess. 444 00:15:48,397 --> 00:15:50,416 Excuse me! There's an assembl... 445 00:15:50,793 --> 00:15:52,011 Nick! 446 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:53,502 What the hell is going on here? 447 00:15:53,527 --> 00:15:55,566 Oh, PJ in the house! 448 00:15:55,591 --> 00:15:56,719 My office. Now. 449 00:15:56,744 --> 00:15:59,049 Oh, PJ's gonna bust somebody. 450 00:15:59,074 --> 00:16:00,540 You're the most in trouble. 451 00:16:00,565 --> 00:16:02,168 But they started it! 452 00:16:02,422 --> 00:16:04,004 I didn't even do any... 453 00:16:04,387 --> 00:16:05,577 Gah! 454 00:16:05,588 --> 00:16:07,574 You had an unsupervised meeting with the students. 455 00:16:07,599 --> 00:16:08,836 You're wearing home slippers... 456 00:16:08,861 --> 00:16:10,406 - ... on school grounds. - Home slippers. 457 00:16:10,431 --> 00:16:14,162 You parked in Janitor Margie's parking spot. 458 00:16:14,187 --> 00:16:16,152 And, by the way, she pissed. 459 00:16:16,207 --> 00:16:18,120 - And she ain't small. - It's a dirt patch. 460 00:16:18,133 --> 00:16:21,132 And you ladies, you skipped an assembly for Pepperwood! 461 00:16:21,157 --> 00:16:22,657 What's the big deal, PJ? 462 00:16:22,692 --> 00:16:24,884 Yeah, you're kind of being a bitch. 463 00:16:29,565 --> 00:16:31,826 This is unacceptable. 464 00:16:31,851 --> 00:16:33,172 I don't want to be your enemy, 465 00:16:33,197 --> 00:16:35,231 but I also don't need to be your friend. 466 00:16:35,256 --> 00:16:36,485 So you guys don't get to write 467 00:16:36,510 --> 00:16:38,476 to your international pen pals for a month. 468 00:16:38,692 --> 00:16:41,264 You've all lost your community garden privileges. 469 00:16:41,295 --> 00:16:44,519 Two weeks' suspension from the freestyle poetry slam. 470 00:16:44,544 --> 00:16:46,739 And I'm calling all of your parents. 471 00:16:46,764 --> 00:16:47,977 Spread the word! 472 00:16:48,002 --> 00:16:49,877 Principal Day is done messing around. 473 00:16:49,902 --> 00:16:51,168 Now get out. 474 00:16:57,009 --> 00:16:59,281 Oh, my God, they work fast. 475 00:16:59,306 --> 00:17:00,772 When did they even take this picture? 476 00:17:00,797 --> 00:17:02,230 Well, apart from the devil horns, 477 00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:04,157 it's a pretty good picture of you, Jess. 478 00:17:05,751 --> 00:17:06,970 That's true. 479 00:17:08,102 --> 00:17:09,405 I'm sorry that I yelled at you. 480 00:17:09,430 --> 00:17:10,629 The truth is-is... 481 00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:13,994 you are exactly who I was when I was your age. 482 00:17:14,858 --> 00:17:17,471 I was hungry. I was putting in 22 hours a day. 483 00:17:17,496 --> 00:17:20,082 Once worked four days straight without water. 484 00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:21,175 Wow. 485 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,634 And I just wish that somebody had taken me aside 486 00:17:23,659 --> 00:17:26,693 and told me that there was another way. 487 00:17:28,344 --> 00:17:29,647 Would you have listened? 488 00:17:30,791 --> 00:17:32,757 - Probably not. - Then I won't either. 489 00:17:32,782 --> 00:17:34,959 In fact, you're not even talking to Jeremy right now. 490 00:17:34,984 --> 00:17:37,642 - Okay, well, then who am I talking to? - The younger you... 491 00:17:37,667 --> 00:17:40,362 telling you to take advantage of your new super cool assistant 492 00:17:40,387 --> 00:17:42,042 so you can get to the next floor 493 00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:43,996 and the next floor and the next floor, 494 00:17:44,041 --> 00:17:45,701 and the next floor and the next floor, 495 00:17:45,726 --> 00:17:47,484 - and now we're on top! - And now we're on top! 496 00:17:47,509 --> 00:17:49,208 I'm liking this side of you, Jeremy. 497 00:17:49,233 --> 00:17:51,021 Yeah, let's stay hungry. I'm gonna go in there, 498 00:17:51,046 --> 00:17:52,893 I'm gonna work on the McCormick presentation. 499 00:17:52,918 --> 00:17:55,251 Now I actually am hungry. Let's order some food. 500 00:17:55,276 --> 00:17:56,834 Already done, sir. 501 00:17:57,587 --> 00:17:58,586 Arigato. 502 00:18:00,167 --> 00:18:01,607 All right, now. Take it down a notch. 503 00:18:01,632 --> 00:18:02,653 Yeah. 504 00:18:06,073 --> 00:18:07,924 If you're here to complain about your punishment, 505 00:18:07,949 --> 00:18:09,070 save your breath. 506 00:18:09,095 --> 00:18:10,144 My decision's final. 507 00:18:10,169 --> 00:18:11,544 Actually, we were just wondering 508 00:18:11,569 --> 00:18:13,432 if we could sit down with you for a second. 509 00:18:13,953 --> 00:18:15,594 - Sure. - We're sorry... 510 00:18:15,619 --> 00:18:17,860 about being so disrespectful, Principal Day. 511 00:18:17,885 --> 00:18:20,321 Well, I appreciate that. 512 00:18:21,785 --> 00:18:23,621 If anyone wants a muffin, I... 513 00:18:23,666 --> 00:18:25,197 I have an extra one. 514 00:18:26,699 --> 00:18:27,718 Here. 515 00:18:27,743 --> 00:18:29,689 We got you a gift card to a coffee shop. 516 00:18:29,714 --> 00:18:31,747 It's really close to your route to school. 517 00:18:31,892 --> 00:18:34,344 Well, that's not necessary. Th-Thank you. That's... 518 00:18:34,369 --> 00:18:36,232 We know you have a lot of roommates, 519 00:18:36,257 --> 00:18:39,442 and some of them are brilliant authors working from home, 520 00:18:39,467 --> 00:18:41,633 creating great chronicles. 521 00:18:41,658 --> 00:18:43,648 But they can make their own coffee. 522 00:18:43,673 --> 00:18:45,933 Well, that feels... oddly on the nose. 523 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:48,250 We have the upmost respect for you. 524 00:18:48,275 --> 00:18:50,822 Sorry, did you just say... 525 00:18:51,824 --> 00:18:53,693 "upmost"? 526 00:18:54,290 --> 00:18:56,278 - Oh, that is good. - Nick! 527 00:18:56,884 --> 00:18:58,746 I can't condone you... 528 00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:00,490 making contact with my students. 529 00:19:00,515 --> 00:19:02,254 - What? - That said... 530 00:19:03,235 --> 00:19:04,559 thanks for putting them up to it. 531 00:19:04,584 --> 00:19:06,284 Jess, I don't know what you're talking about. 532 00:19:06,309 --> 00:19:07,352 "Upmost"? 533 00:19:07,377 --> 00:19:09,963 There's only one person I know that says "upmost." 534 00:19:09,988 --> 00:19:11,531 - It's "utmost." - "Utmost"? 535 00:19:11,615 --> 00:19:13,023 "Utmost." 536 00:19:13,062 --> 00:19:14,429 Agree to disagree. 537 00:19:14,467 --> 00:19:16,871 But the good news is my writer's block is gone, 538 00:19:16,896 --> 00:19:18,784 and that is thanks to you. 539 00:19:18,854 --> 00:19:21,363 You always come through for me, Jess, to the upmost. 540 00:19:21,388 --> 00:19:23,342 I assure you, it's "utmost." 541 00:19:23,367 --> 00:19:25,234 - What's an "ut"? - Come on, you're a writer. 542 00:19:25,259 --> 00:19:27,460 It's "up." Up to the most. 543 00:19:27,485 --> 00:19:29,650 Not ut to the most. 544 00:19:29,675 --> 00:19:31,174 I assure you. 545 00:19:31,199 --> 00:19:33,010 - Okay, sweetie. - You didn't come in here and say, 546 00:19:33,035 --> 00:19:35,438 "Thanks for putting them ut to it." 547 00:19:35,724 --> 00:19:37,591 I would've laughed you out of here. 548 00:19:37,970 --> 00:19:39,436 What is an "ut"?! 549 00:19:39,461 --> 00:19:40,920 Furguson is miserable. 550 00:19:41,402 --> 00:19:44,058 So you're saying that this is a different emotion 551 00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:45,907 than we've seen for the past three years? 552 00:19:45,932 --> 00:19:47,607 A father knows. 553 00:19:47,632 --> 00:19:48,896 He misses Gil. 554 00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:50,783 It'd be wrong for me to take away a piece of his heart. 555 00:19:50,808 --> 00:19:53,485 I mean, I already took away his testicles. 556 00:19:53,686 --> 00:19:54,818 Anyway, 557 00:19:54,854 --> 00:19:56,353 let me just... 558 00:19:56,378 --> 00:19:57,984 _ 559 00:19:59,191 --> 00:20:00,490 Proud of you. 560 00:20:04,452 --> 00:20:06,725 You won't need the key I gave you. 561 00:20:06,874 --> 00:20:08,919 And the door always gonna be open. 562 00:20:23,929 --> 00:20:26,913 You're not gonna, like, leave the door open always, right? 563 00:20:27,916 --> 00:20:29,413 He'll be back. 564 00:20:31,524 --> 00:20:32,775 What the hell? 565 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:34,240 - Jeremy. - Oh, my God. 566 00:20:34,265 --> 00:20:35,509 He came back. Come on. 567 00:20:35,536 --> 00:20:36,864 What the hell is this man doing in our house? 568 00:20:36,889 --> 00:20:38,583 Let me introduce myself. My name is Jeremy. 569 00:20:38,608 --> 00:20:39,624 I'm the executive assistant 570 00:20:39,649 --> 00:20:41,792 to your husband and my boss, Mr. Schmidt. 571 00:20:41,817 --> 00:20:42,925 Oh, are you the one who called 572 00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:44,384 and asked me about my blood type? 573 00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:45,438 He's very thorough. 574 00:20:45,463 --> 00:20:46,916 Actually, he's going to need everyone's blood type. 575 00:20:46,941 --> 00:20:48,355 - You're not getting my blood. - That's super weird. 576 00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:49,833 - Yeah. - Oh, hell no. 577 00:20:49,858 --> 00:20:51,695 I do have individual coffee orders. 578 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,136 You can tell which one's which based off the caricatures 579 00:20:54,161 --> 00:20:55,178 I drew on the cups. 580 00:20:55,203 --> 00:20:56,339 That's you. 581 00:20:56,364 --> 00:20:58,205 This is shockingly accurate. 582 00:20:58,230 --> 00:20:59,331 And you've never met us. 583 00:20:59,362 --> 00:21:01,082 - I mean, how did you do that? - Nailed it. 584 00:21:01,107 --> 00:21:02,678 - Very creepy. - That's pretty good. 585 00:21:04,603 --> 00:21:06,087 Is he ever gonna leave? 586 00:21:06,112 --> 00:21:07,140 I don't think so.