1 00:00:00,063 --> 00:00:01,704 Jess, are you okay? 2 00:00:01,728 --> 00:00:04,600 Honey, you just fled to your dad's house in Portland. 3 00:00:04,625 --> 00:00:06,702 What I did was a very tasteful, 4 00:00:06,727 --> 00:00:08,734 very understated skedaddle 5 00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:11,101 so I could get some much needed space from Nick, 6 00:00:11,126 --> 00:00:12,500 and it worked. I'm fine. 7 00:00:12,525 --> 00:00:14,640 - So, you're coming back? - I would, but... 8 00:00:14,665 --> 00:00:17,105 Ashley's out of town, and the man doesn't do well without his wife. 9 00:00:17,153 --> 00:00:18,486 I can't in good conscience 10 00:00:18,511 --> 00:00:20,283 leave my elderly father here 11 00:00:20,308 --> 00:00:23,566 without someone to help him steam-clean his bowling trophies. 12 00:00:23,591 --> 00:00:25,727 Hey, Jess. I think you should go home. 13 00:00:25,762 --> 00:00:28,284 Shut up, TV! That was the TV. 14 00:00:28,309 --> 00:00:30,216 - Hello? - Go home? I just got here. 15 00:00:30,241 --> 00:00:31,442 And I-I love that. 16 00:00:31,467 --> 00:00:34,731 I love a surprise visit for no reason at all. 17 00:00:34,756 --> 00:00:35,888 We had fun, 18 00:00:35,913 --> 00:00:37,233 but don't you think it's now, 19 00:00:37,258 --> 00:00:39,081 it's time for you to, you know, 20 00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:41,364 get back to your life. 21 00:00:41,389 --> 00:00:43,150 Dad, you still need me. 22 00:00:43,175 --> 00:00:44,450 I mean... 23 00:00:45,278 --> 00:00:47,315 we really half-assed those trophies! 24 00:00:47,350 --> 00:00:48,685 What? Th-they look great. 25 00:00:48,710 --> 00:00:51,083 Look. Oh, this one. This one is fantastic. 26 00:00:51,108 --> 00:00:53,821 See this one? This is the ball that I won that trophy with. 27 00:00:53,857 --> 00:00:56,128 This ball right here. Helen, I call... 28 00:00:56,153 --> 00:00:57,759 Oh! Dad! 29 00:00:57,794 --> 00:00:59,317 I-I waxed the holes. 30 00:00:59,342 --> 00:01:00,849 You waxed the holes?! 31 00:01:00,874 --> 00:01:02,161 Was I-I not supposed to? 32 00:01:02,186 --> 00:01:04,738 Not wise! Not wise! 33 00:01:04,763 --> 00:01:06,519 It's okay. 34 00:01:06,544 --> 00:01:08,042 I'm right here, 35 00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:10,404 and I'm not going anywhere. 36 00:01:11,775 --> 00:01:15,544 Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com 37 00:01:16,153 --> 00:01:17,974 Oh, I'm so nervous to meet your mom. 38 00:01:17,999 --> 00:01:20,107 I'm bad with women and family. 39 00:01:20,132 --> 00:01:21,792 I wish she was a male stranger. 40 00:01:21,817 --> 00:01:23,083 You guys talking about Charmaine? 41 00:01:23,108 --> 00:01:25,859 - Yeah, my mom. - Charmaine is a tough lady. 42 00:01:25,884 --> 00:01:27,211 My mom is just protective, okay? 43 00:01:27,236 --> 00:01:28,863 My dad walked out on us when I was a baby. 44 00:01:28,888 --> 00:01:30,911 - I am her only son. - Hey! 45 00:01:31,372 --> 00:01:32,683 What are you guys doing here? 46 00:01:32,708 --> 00:01:33,845 - Rude. - What are we doing here? 47 00:01:33,870 --> 00:01:34,886 Yeah, what are you doing here? 48 00:01:34,911 --> 00:01:36,599 - Why are you here? - What, just because we moved, 49 00:01:36,624 --> 00:01:38,098 we have to justify our presence here? 50 00:01:38,123 --> 00:01:39,223 Well, you don't live here, so... 51 00:01:39,248 --> 00:01:41,051 We're allowed to be here for no reason at all. 52 00:01:41,076 --> 00:01:43,277 Oh, I get it. You're sad and lonely 53 00:01:43,302 --> 00:01:45,230 in your new house and you miss us. 54 00:01:45,255 --> 00:01:46,396 We do not need this. 55 00:01:46,421 --> 00:01:49,347 If anything, you-you people need us. 56 00:01:49,372 --> 00:01:52,046 We are married homeowners. Benefit from our wisdom. 57 00:01:52,081 --> 00:01:53,881 Okay! I got to go. 58 00:01:53,917 --> 00:01:56,771 Aly and I have an invited guest to plan for. 59 00:01:56,796 --> 00:01:58,223 - Oh. - Good burn, Winston. 60 00:01:58,248 --> 00:01:59,560 - You're getting better at those. - Thanks, man! 61 00:01:59,568 --> 00:02:01,285 Okay, I am off to my drug party. 62 00:02:01,310 --> 00:02:04,402 Reagan's, uh, pharm rep crew is in town for a convention. 63 00:02:04,427 --> 00:02:07,458 Have fun. If you get too drunk to drive, call me, 64 00:02:07,483 --> 00:02:09,282 'cause I will be, too, and we can be twins. 65 00:02:09,318 --> 00:02:10,717 Wait, you're not going? 66 00:02:10,752 --> 00:02:12,841 Don't you want to meet Reagan's friends? 67 00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:15,033 Mm, we never really talked about it. 68 00:02:15,065 --> 00:02:18,154 Seems like something that a married homeowner should weigh in on. 69 00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:20,810 How could you not talk about such a major relationship step? 70 00:02:20,835 --> 00:02:23,529 Ugh, because we're not all couple-y like you guys are. 71 00:02:23,554 --> 00:02:25,154 We don't talk about every little tiny... 72 00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:26,185 We don't gab all day 73 00:02:26,210 --> 00:02:28,295 like a couple of Italian grandmas hanging their laundry. 74 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:31,614 Talking is the lifeblood of a relationship. 75 00:02:31,639 --> 00:02:33,187 - Truth. - The problem is, 76 00:02:33,212 --> 00:02:35,303 is neither one of you wants to take the initiative. 77 00:02:35,328 --> 00:02:36,776 You're both communication bottoms. 78 00:02:36,812 --> 00:02:38,463 One of you needs to be the top. 79 00:02:38,488 --> 00:02:40,647 What does this have anything to do with hamburger buns? 80 00:02:40,682 --> 00:02:42,908 Look, we do things in our own way, right? 81 00:02:42,933 --> 00:02:44,713 It's not like I don't want Nick to come with me. 82 00:02:44,738 --> 00:02:46,330 And for the record, I would love to meet your friends. 83 00:02:46,355 --> 00:02:48,221 - That would be great. - So... 84 00:02:51,460 --> 00:02:52,659 All right, I'm going! 85 00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:54,400 Get off my back! 86 00:02:56,127 --> 00:02:57,415 So what are you guys doing here? 87 00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:00,266 - Never. Never in my entire life. - Okay. 88 00:03:00,291 --> 00:03:03,268 - Never. Never. - My blood built this loft. 89 00:03:03,293 --> 00:03:05,816 Maybe as an icebreaker we tell your mom about the time 90 00:03:05,841 --> 00:03:08,502 we actually arrested Jay Leno for jaywalking. 91 00:03:08,527 --> 00:03:11,661 One small thing... it's a footnote, really... 92 00:03:11,885 --> 00:03:13,813 my mom don't know I'm a cop. 93 00:03:14,067 --> 00:03:15,416 What? 94 00:03:15,885 --> 00:03:19,186 - Winston, why? - She's a-a protective single mom. 95 00:03:19,221 --> 00:03:21,025 She's always freaked out at the tiniest thing. 96 00:03:21,050 --> 00:03:24,125 My baby! I turn my head for one second. 97 00:03:24,150 --> 00:03:26,362 Lord, where is my baby?! 98 00:03:26,387 --> 00:03:28,283 - Wh... - I went to look at bikes. 99 00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:29,736 Oh! 100 00:03:29,761 --> 00:03:31,865 She still thinks I'm in sports radio. 101 00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:33,934 I still record shows for her. 102 00:03:33,959 --> 00:03:35,653 You got to promise not to blow my cover. 103 00:03:35,678 --> 00:03:38,534 - Wait, what are you doing? - I have so much police stuff. 104 00:03:38,559 --> 00:03:40,831 Now, I realize you're getting caught up in a lie 105 00:03:40,856 --> 00:03:42,520 against your will, but... 106 00:03:42,545 --> 00:03:44,345 my mom is coming to see you. 107 00:03:44,370 --> 00:03:46,278 Okay? It won't even come up. 108 00:03:46,903 --> 00:03:48,949 But if it does, you're my producer. 109 00:03:49,386 --> 00:03:51,503 - Bishop! - I'm-a hide that. 110 00:03:51,528 --> 00:03:53,173 I love him, I love him, I love him, 111 00:03:53,198 --> 00:03:54,331 I love him, I love him... 112 00:03:54,356 --> 00:03:55,940 Pretty slim pickings at the drugstore. 113 00:03:55,965 --> 00:03:57,958 All I got was, uh, Freckle Me Once: 114 00:03:57,993 --> 00:04:00,011 The Unauthorized Lindsay Lohan Story. 115 00:04:00,036 --> 00:04:01,307 Anyway, I got all your stuff... 116 00:04:01,332 --> 00:04:03,331 your bandages, your hydrogen peroxide, your gummy peaches... 117 00:04:03,356 --> 00:04:05,526 You're making too big a fuss out of this. 118 00:04:05,551 --> 00:04:07,500 I mean, I've had so much worse. 119 00:04:07,536 --> 00:04:08,854 This is just a bruised toe. 120 00:04:08,879 --> 00:04:10,347 It's your index toe. 121 00:04:10,372 --> 00:04:12,417 Very serious. That's the toe you point with. 122 00:04:12,442 --> 00:04:15,228 You've been great to me. You've taken care of me. 123 00:04:15,253 --> 00:04:17,245 Now I'm gonna do something for you. 124 00:04:17,270 --> 00:04:19,546 I'm gonna get you a ticket. 125 00:04:19,581 --> 00:04:21,862 Oh, here it is. Portland to L.A. 126 00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:25,051 Dad, I am not leaving you like this. 127 00:04:25,087 --> 00:04:27,220 Recovery is the most vulnerable part of the process, 128 00:04:27,256 --> 00:04:30,056 and this house is full of stairs and sharp corners. 129 00:04:30,092 --> 00:04:31,697 And you know how slippery your bathtub is. 130 00:04:31,722 --> 00:04:33,923 I won't stand up! I'll just roll out! 131 00:04:33,948 --> 00:04:37,994 Dad, I'm sorry, but I need to show you a little tough love. 132 00:04:38,220 --> 00:04:39,697 Get in bed. 133 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:41,642 Do it. 134 00:04:42,941 --> 00:04:45,933 "She was born on the freakiest of Fridays..." 135 00:04:45,958 --> 00:04:48,105 Okay, we're in 42 markets, big show coming up 136 00:04:48,130 --> 00:04:50,364 - with Stephen A's brother Stephen... B. - ... B. 137 00:04:50,413 --> 00:04:51,954 our lead-in is a cooking show 138 00:04:51,979 --> 00:04:54,105 - called The Ugly Dumpling... - So funny. 139 00:04:54,130 --> 00:04:55,613 Hey, is all of this necessary? 140 00:04:55,638 --> 00:04:57,083 That's just in case it comes up. 141 00:04:57,119 --> 00:04:58,400 Which, like I said... 142 00:04:58,425 --> 00:04:59,471 it won't. 143 00:04:59,496 --> 00:05:01,377 Mm... I feel like it might. 144 00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:03,039 - Mother-in-law troubles, huh? - What? 145 00:05:03,064 --> 00:05:05,314 - Second mom drahm? - Hey, seriously why are you still here? 146 00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:07,460 That's your most pressing question right now? 147 00:05:07,496 --> 00:05:09,462 Not why did I sign up for this ill-advised 148 00:05:09,498 --> 00:05:11,072 talk radio alternative reality? 149 00:05:11,097 --> 00:05:12,517 Guys, we're trying to prep, okay? 150 00:05:12,542 --> 00:05:13,800 So if you're gonna be in our home, 151 00:05:13,835 --> 00:05:15,852 please, step back from the mic. 152 00:05:15,877 --> 00:05:18,471 That's radio lingo for when someone's on the microphone 153 00:05:18,498 --> 00:05:19,631 and you don't want them to be; 154 00:05:19,656 --> 00:05:20,756 - you say, "Step away from..." - I got it. 155 00:05:20,781 --> 00:05:21,865 Baby! 156 00:05:21,890 --> 00:05:23,777 You are a radio personality! 157 00:05:23,802 --> 00:05:25,943 You just can't leave your front door open 158 00:05:25,968 --> 00:05:28,602 for any ol' Menendez brothers to walk into. 159 00:05:28,627 --> 00:05:30,482 Ooh...! 160 00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:37,010 - This is Aly. - Hey! 161 00:05:37,035 --> 00:05:39,969 Long time listener, first time visitor. 162 00:05:39,994 --> 00:05:41,902 Oh. 163 00:05:41,927 --> 00:05:43,529 Radio. She referenced radio. 164 00:05:43,554 --> 00:05:46,498 Uh, yeah, Mom, you know, we talk about work all day long, so... 165 00:05:46,523 --> 00:05:49,074 Well, it's not work when it's with your girl. 166 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,871 Now, Aly, tell me, 167 00:05:50,907 --> 00:05:53,326 do you two ever sing the call letters 168 00:05:53,351 --> 00:05:55,559 to each other to fall asleep? 169 00:05:55,584 --> 00:05:57,295 Mm, mm-hmm. Yep. 170 00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:00,246 ♪ KQWP... ♪ 171 00:06:00,662 --> 00:06:02,505 Oh, I thought you two moved. 172 00:06:07,752 --> 00:06:10,287 Whoa, drug companies have a lot of money. 173 00:06:11,611 --> 00:06:12,852 _ 174 00:06:12,877 --> 00:06:14,220 Well, this is great. 175 00:06:14,245 --> 00:06:16,545 I feel like you finally brought me to your home planet. 176 00:06:16,580 --> 00:06:18,681 Yeah. I'm really glad you came. 177 00:06:18,716 --> 00:06:21,885 All right. So tell me about these pharm reps I'm about to meet. 178 00:06:21,910 --> 00:06:24,186 I mean, I don't know what I can really tell you about them. 179 00:06:24,221 --> 00:06:26,555 We sort of became friends at these conventions, 180 00:06:26,590 --> 00:06:29,024 and we go from city to city with each other. 181 00:06:29,049 --> 00:06:31,126 It's kind of like camp friends? 182 00:06:31,151 --> 00:06:34,578 Except everybody's, uh, slept together a whole lot. 183 00:06:34,625 --> 00:06:36,732 It's exactly like camp friends, I guess. 184 00:06:36,767 --> 00:06:38,578 All these people have had sex with each other? 185 00:06:38,603 --> 00:06:40,748 - Mostly, yeah. - Mostly. And with you? 186 00:06:40,783 --> 00:06:42,610 You had sex with the... yeah? 187 00:06:42,635 --> 00:06:44,102 - Why wouldn't you? - Yeah. 188 00:06:44,127 --> 00:06:46,826 Oh, you guys are like groupies, but for yourself. I dig it. 189 00:06:46,851 --> 00:06:49,545 Are we gonna have to, like, talk this out right now? Or... 190 00:06:49,580 --> 00:06:51,380 - I'm good. Are you good? - Yeah. 191 00:06:51,415 --> 00:06:52,797 - I'm cool. - Okay. 192 00:06:52,822 --> 00:06:55,226 Ah, I'm not a talker. Talking's not my thing. 193 00:06:55,251 --> 00:06:56,718 Great. This is why we work. 194 00:06:56,743 --> 00:06:58,076 'Cause we're not like Schmidt and Cece. 195 00:06:58,101 --> 00:07:00,170 We don't have to write each other a love poem 196 00:07:00,195 --> 00:07:01,422 every time I go into the other room. 197 00:07:01,447 --> 00:07:03,397 - Oh, pass. - Reags. 198 00:07:03,422 --> 00:07:05,031 - Hey. - Hey. 199 00:07:05,056 --> 00:07:06,102 - How are you? - Oh. 200 00:07:06,127 --> 00:07:07,540 Oh. 201 00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:09,398 Off the ground. 202 00:07:09,423 --> 00:07:10,735 - Jack. - I'm Nick, 203 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,868 and I-I might win a raffle tonight. 204 00:07:17,795 --> 00:07:20,376 So, Reagan, you gonna save me a pas de deux tonight? 205 00:07:20,411 --> 00:07:21,506 Okay. 206 00:07:22,802 --> 00:07:24,079 What's going on? What are you guys laughing at? 207 00:07:24,115 --> 00:07:25,287 I don't get the joke. 208 00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:26,417 Well, you do know that she was 209 00:07:26,442 --> 00:07:28,796 a professionally trained ballet dancer? 210 00:07:30,043 --> 00:07:32,422 You never told me you were a ballerina. 211 00:07:32,447 --> 00:07:34,851 I sort of shattered both of my ankles in this thing 212 00:07:34,876 --> 00:07:36,076 I refer to as "The Crackening." 213 00:07:36,101 --> 00:07:37,976 Your ankles? Like, both your ankles? 214 00:07:38,001 --> 00:07:40,369 And both of my knees and a little bit of my pelvis. 215 00:07:40,394 --> 00:07:41,772 What? 216 00:07:42,538 --> 00:07:44,168 I could be the Queen of Egypt 217 00:07:44,193 --> 00:07:45,968 and your mom wouldn't know, because all she wants to do 218 00:07:46,003 --> 00:07:48,270 is talk about the radio show that doesn't exist. 219 00:07:48,305 --> 00:07:50,305 That's on me. Maybe I should have made 220 00:07:50,341 --> 00:07:52,212 my fake radio show less intriguing. 221 00:07:52,237 --> 00:07:54,972 It's 7:12 and you know what that means. 222 00:07:54,997 --> 00:07:56,612 Traffic on the 12 with Linda. 223 00:07:57,813 --> 00:08:00,292 It's just way too much damn traffic out here. 224 00:08:00,331 --> 00:08:01,604 I can't get to work. 225 00:08:01,629 --> 00:08:03,239 Linda. 226 00:08:03,264 --> 00:08:04,884 Your big ass on the bus, stop playing. 227 00:08:04,909 --> 00:08:06,773 Babe, how will I ever break through to your mom 228 00:08:06,798 --> 00:08:08,657 if I keep lying to her? This is crazy. 229 00:08:08,692 --> 00:08:10,426 - That's on me, too. - I know it's on you. 230 00:08:10,461 --> 00:08:11,927 You're the only person it could be on. 231 00:08:11,962 --> 00:08:13,726 - And that is my bad. - I know it's your bad. 232 00:08:13,751 --> 00:08:15,793 Aly. You have seven identical 233 00:08:15,818 --> 00:08:17,843 stripe long sleeve shirts? 234 00:08:17,868 --> 00:08:19,493 Yeah. I-I know it's strange. 235 00:08:19,525 --> 00:08:21,300 Um, it-it was a deal. 236 00:08:21,325 --> 00:08:22,678 - Buy five, get two free. - Oh. 237 00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:24,119 - You still got the receipt? - Of course I do. 238 00:08:24,144 --> 00:08:26,612 BB Taxx has the same items, 239 00:08:26,637 --> 00:08:28,092 four for $20. 240 00:08:28,615 --> 00:08:30,079 Wait. Are you a DDS? 241 00:08:30,114 --> 00:08:32,109 DDS since '73. 242 00:08:32,416 --> 00:08:33,861 What? Are you both secret dentists? 243 00:08:33,886 --> 00:08:36,354 Deep discount shoppers. 244 00:08:36,987 --> 00:08:39,054 - OG price, $350.98. - Ooh. 245 00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:40,369 - BB Taxx price, - Uh-huh. 246 00:08:40,394 --> 00:08:42,372 - $72.99 - Ooh. 247 00:08:42,397 --> 00:08:44,726 - $72.99! - Ooh. 248 00:08:45,227 --> 00:08:48,338 And someone didn't limit their price match to California. 249 00:08:48,363 --> 00:08:50,255 Arkansas prices, y'all. 250 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:51,896 What do you say we get back in our cubbies 251 00:08:51,921 --> 00:08:54,474 - and keep this fashion show going. - Okay. 252 00:08:55,372 --> 00:08:56,967 I don't know why I'm just putting this together, 253 00:08:56,992 --> 00:08:59,039 but you two are very cheap. 254 00:08:59,723 --> 00:09:01,020 - You're about to feel... - You dunno what you're talking about. 255 00:09:01,045 --> 00:09:02,599 - ... my cheap purse on your temple. - You do not know. 256 00:09:02,624 --> 00:09:03,679 Easy now. 257 00:09:03,704 --> 00:09:05,643 What do you think, Nick? Should she take it? 258 00:09:05,716 --> 00:09:06,953 Take what? 259 00:09:06,978 --> 00:09:08,288 I don't know what you're talking about. 260 00:09:08,313 --> 00:09:09,936 Reagan's big promotion. 261 00:09:10,348 --> 00:09:11,690 Her promotion? 262 00:09:11,715 --> 00:09:13,989 - Should she take it? - I never... 263 00:09:14,161 --> 00:09:16,697 I didn't hear about it until right now. 264 00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:18,737 It's just VP of North American sales. 265 00:09:18,762 --> 00:09:20,596 - VP? - It's not a big deal. 266 00:09:20,631 --> 00:09:22,744 It's just like a heartbeat away from president 267 00:09:22,769 --> 00:09:24,199 of North American sales, so... 268 00:09:24,235 --> 00:09:26,367 - Seems like a pretty big deal. - Reagan, it's huge. 269 00:09:26,392 --> 00:09:28,871 You get to travel all the time. So many hotel points. 270 00:09:28,906 --> 00:09:31,011 Mo' points, mo' problems, that's what I always say. 271 00:09:31,036 --> 00:09:32,407 It's exciting finding out this way. 272 00:09:32,443 --> 00:09:34,804 Most people would probably tell their boyfriend 273 00:09:34,829 --> 00:09:37,095 when they first found out about it, but that's cool. 274 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,020 We don't talk, that's why we work, and that's cool... 275 00:09:39,045 --> 00:09:41,768 and, uh, I'm really bothered by this. 276 00:09:43,025 --> 00:09:44,580 Nick. 277 00:09:56,281 --> 00:09:57,689 Hey, Jess, it's me again. 278 00:09:57,714 --> 00:09:59,660 Sorry to call you again. I just... 279 00:09:59,685 --> 00:10:02,569 I just really wish you would call me back. 280 00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:05,442 I'm having a problem, and... 281 00:10:05,467 --> 00:10:07,040 I feel like you really like when I'm, 282 00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:08,251 you know, I'm having a problem. 283 00:10:08,276 --> 00:10:10,473 Not that you, not that you like it, but, 284 00:10:10,737 --> 00:10:12,809 but that-that you like, you like talking about it. 285 00:10:12,844 --> 00:10:14,593 Anyway, I'm just coming apart here. 286 00:10:14,618 --> 00:10:17,814 I'm-I'm really a hundred percent falling apart, 287 00:10:17,849 --> 00:10:20,005 and I really wish you would call me back. 288 00:10:20,030 --> 00:10:21,404 All right. 289 00:10:22,924 --> 00:10:24,267 Hey, Schmidty, what's up? 290 00:10:24,292 --> 00:10:25,396 Just checking in. 291 00:10:25,421 --> 00:10:26,492 Okay. 292 00:10:26,517 --> 00:10:27,934 Oh, hold on, I got another call. 293 00:10:27,959 --> 00:10:29,551 All of a sudden my phone's blowing up. 294 00:10:29,576 --> 00:10:30,787 Hi. This is Nick Miller. 295 00:10:30,812 --> 00:10:32,583 Who am I speaking to and why are you calling? 296 00:10:32,623 --> 00:10:34,356 - Do you not have my number saved? - Who is this? 297 00:10:34,381 --> 00:10:35,780 - Who is this? - Who am I speaking to? 298 00:10:35,805 --> 00:10:37,683 It's... it's Cece. 299 00:10:37,708 --> 00:10:39,046 Cece, why are you both calling me? 300 00:10:39,071 --> 00:10:41,134 How do you not have my number saved? I work for you. 301 00:10:41,159 --> 00:10:43,059 Cece, I already got Nick. Let me patch you in. 302 00:10:43,084 --> 00:10:45,062 How am I supposed to learn to do a patch if you never let me try? 303 00:10:45,087 --> 00:10:47,435 Nick, as the only person who takes our advice, 304 00:10:47,460 --> 00:10:49,125 - how you doing? - Well, you were right. 305 00:10:49,150 --> 00:10:50,488 Reagan and I never talk. 306 00:10:50,513 --> 00:10:51,902 We helped you. Cece, we helped him. 307 00:10:51,927 --> 00:10:54,750 - I know, I heard. - No. You messed everything up. 308 00:10:54,775 --> 00:10:56,519 You stupid idiots made me realize 309 00:10:56,555 --> 00:10:58,148 that I need more than that. 310 00:10:58,173 --> 00:11:00,385 Now I got to go back to this party with her friends 311 00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:02,260 and pretend like it doesn't bother me. 312 00:11:02,285 --> 00:11:04,728 - Those look fantastic. - Oh, honey, that sounds so rough. 313 00:11:04,763 --> 00:11:06,129 I said ho... one second, my man. 314 00:11:06,164 --> 00:11:09,068 In the middle of a conversation. 315 00:11:19,626 --> 00:11:21,945 Dad, I know you got out of bed. 316 00:11:21,970 --> 00:11:23,446 No, I-I didn't, I didn't. 317 00:11:23,482 --> 00:11:25,571 I-I-I've been, I've been sleeping. 318 00:11:26,536 --> 00:11:28,752 I found these little crummies in the kitchen. 319 00:11:28,777 --> 00:11:30,964 You only gave me a salad and tea. 320 00:11:30,989 --> 00:11:32,737 I-I-I-I wanted some fish sticks. 321 00:11:32,762 --> 00:11:35,298 Fish sticks are mostly pork and you know it. 322 00:11:35,323 --> 00:11:38,000 Now, I'm gonna trim your nails. 323 00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:40,166 Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait. 324 00:11:40,191 --> 00:11:41,217 Uh, uh, uh, 325 00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:42,298 it's-it's a little too short. 326 00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:43,788 It's too... ow, ow! 327 00:11:45,527 --> 00:11:47,612 I have a good thing going with your mom right now, 328 00:11:47,637 --> 00:11:48,738 and I don't want to ruin that. 329 00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:50,869 - We should just tell her the truth. - Hey-o! 330 00:11:50,894 --> 00:11:52,062 Problem alert. 331 00:11:52,087 --> 00:11:53,965 Well, if you need help, you've come to the right place. 332 00:11:53,990 --> 00:11:56,524 Share, share. Please. Tell us what seems to be the problem. 333 00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,015 Here's what you're doing, and it's not okay. 334 00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:59,993 You're inserting yourself into a family matter. 335 00:12:00,018 --> 00:12:01,274 We can handle this on our own. 336 00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:02,926 - We're here if you need us. - Yeah, watch your front, 337 00:12:02,951 --> 00:12:04,250 - 'cause we've got your back. - We got your back. 338 00:12:04,275 --> 00:12:06,410 I just want you to know that I respect that. 339 00:12:06,435 --> 00:12:08,729 I'm perceiving that. Um... 340 00:12:08,757 --> 00:12:10,593 I'm digesting that. 341 00:12:10,746 --> 00:12:12,462 It's in the machine. 342 00:12:12,497 --> 00:12:14,631 It's working its way down. 343 00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:16,932 And okay. I think you're right. 344 00:12:16,957 --> 00:12:18,468 I think it'll be really good 345 00:12:18,513 --> 00:12:19,780 for you to be honest with your mom. 346 00:12:19,805 --> 00:12:21,407 No. See, um, 347 00:12:21,432 --> 00:12:22,624 you're gonna come clean. 348 00:12:22,649 --> 00:12:23,673 I'm gonna stay dirty. 349 00:12:23,708 --> 00:12:24,816 - Why? - Aly, 350 00:12:24,841 --> 00:12:26,797 I found a roly-poly in these pants, 351 00:12:26,822 --> 00:12:28,736 they gave me 89% off. 352 00:12:28,761 --> 00:12:30,149 Oh. 353 00:12:30,174 --> 00:12:32,067 That's sweet. Um... 354 00:12:32,550 --> 00:12:34,806 Charmaine, I have to tell you something. 355 00:12:35,287 --> 00:12:38,223 I don't work in radio. 356 00:12:38,248 --> 00:12:39,402 I don't. 357 00:12:39,427 --> 00:12:41,873 I'm actually a cop. 358 00:12:43,791 --> 00:12:45,728 What? 359 00:12:45,764 --> 00:12:47,889 Man, you wearing a wire? 360 00:12:48,366 --> 00:12:49,754 Okay. 361 00:12:50,862 --> 00:12:52,063 Sorry. 362 00:12:52,946 --> 00:12:55,547 Well, I appreciate you telling me the truth. 363 00:12:56,459 --> 00:12:58,419 The job is dangerous. 364 00:12:59,741 --> 00:13:02,340 But I do salute your courage. 365 00:13:07,981 --> 00:13:10,215 Okay. Um... 366 00:13:11,888 --> 00:13:13,388 you can salute me, too. 367 00:13:13,413 --> 00:13:14,852 'Cause, uh, 368 00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:16,744 - I'm also a cop. - What?! 369 00:13:16,769 --> 00:13:18,705 Uh, uh, uh, I'm-I'm not a super successful 370 00:13:18,730 --> 00:13:19,896 morning radio shock jock. 371 00:13:19,921 --> 00:13:22,336 - There's no radio show? - No. I'm a... 372 00:13:22,361 --> 00:13:24,300 - I'm an officer of the law. - What?! 373 00:13:24,325 --> 00:13:26,707 That's not how you reacted when Aly said she was a cop. 374 00:13:26,732 --> 00:13:29,700 Being a parent is like wearing your heart outside your body, 375 00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:32,823 and now you're telling me that my heart 376 00:13:32,848 --> 00:13:35,198 is on these streets by himself? 377 00:13:35,223 --> 00:13:37,514 Sampling drugs with a knife 378 00:13:37,539 --> 00:13:39,371 to see if it's really cocaine? 379 00:13:39,396 --> 00:13:40,583 My heart... 380 00:13:40,619 --> 00:13:43,650 knows what cocaine tastes like? 381 00:13:47,052 --> 00:13:48,358 Oh, man. 382 00:13:48,383 --> 00:13:50,483 - That's on you, man. - Please shut up. 383 00:13:50,508 --> 00:13:52,034 It isn't a dream job. 384 00:13:52,059 --> 00:13:53,852 Sure, it comes with a great salary 385 00:13:53,877 --> 00:13:55,912 and a vaccination for the coming elk flu, 386 00:13:55,937 --> 00:13:58,316 the flu that you're gonna be hearing about for the next decade. 387 00:13:58,341 --> 00:14:00,330 But it also requires too much travel, 388 00:14:00,355 --> 00:14:01,371 and I'm gonna turn it down. 389 00:14:01,396 --> 00:14:03,721 - Are you happy now? - No. I'm not happy. 390 00:14:03,746 --> 00:14:06,276 'Cause this is the kind of talk I wish we had before. 391 00:14:06,311 --> 00:14:07,742 These are the important talks. 392 00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:09,133 This is so unlike you. 393 00:14:09,158 --> 00:14:10,930 Why are you being the girl in this argument? 394 00:14:10,955 --> 00:14:13,793 I don't know, Reagan. I don't know. 395 00:14:13,818 --> 00:14:15,885 But I do know you're being heteronormative. 396 00:14:15,921 --> 00:14:17,655 Okay? I know that word... it's in the Zeitgeist, 397 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:18,873 and I know that word, too. 398 00:14:18,899 --> 00:14:20,603 I don't know why I'm acting this way. 399 00:14:20,628 --> 00:14:22,094 If you're out there, Nick Miller, 400 00:14:22,119 --> 00:14:24,237 you're our raffle winner! 401 00:14:24,262 --> 00:14:26,356 Well, I can't say I'm surprised. 402 00:14:26,761 --> 00:14:29,599 I did spend $190 on tickets. 403 00:14:31,111 --> 00:14:32,410 $200. 404 00:14:33,305 --> 00:14:35,468 I spent $250 on tickets. 405 00:14:35,493 --> 00:14:36,519 That's it. 406 00:14:37,175 --> 00:14:38,963 I spent over $300 on tickets. 407 00:14:40,074 --> 00:14:42,783 "Deciding which house to go to for Thanksgiving, 408 00:14:42,808 --> 00:14:45,070 "she was stuck in a real parent trap." 409 00:14:45,095 --> 00:14:47,641 - Enough. Enough. Enough. - Oh, you're right. 410 00:14:47,672 --> 00:14:49,052 - This chapter's dragging. - Jess, please. 411 00:14:49,081 --> 00:14:51,483 - Let me move on. - I-I need my freedom. 412 00:14:51,508 --> 00:14:54,012 I need my judge shows, my fish sticks. 413 00:14:54,037 --> 00:14:55,452 My-my naked time. 414 00:14:55,488 --> 00:14:58,571 - Oh, please don't expand on that. - No, it's a good thing. 415 00:14:58,596 --> 00:15:01,246 Ashley showed me how to embrace my body. 416 00:15:01,271 --> 00:15:03,000 And I... every day, for about a half an hour, 417 00:15:03,025 --> 00:15:04,728 I walk around here naked. 418 00:15:04,764 --> 00:15:07,101 - Fabulous. - Did you sit on this chair? 419 00:15:07,126 --> 00:15:10,954 Jess... now I'm gonna show you some tough love. 420 00:15:11,380 --> 00:15:13,671 I want you to go back to California. 421 00:15:15,157 --> 00:15:17,076 Wh-what's going on? 422 00:15:18,725 --> 00:15:20,778 It's Nick. I... 423 00:15:21,197 --> 00:15:22,802 - What? - I'm-I'm in love with him, 424 00:15:22,827 --> 00:15:24,343 and I can't... 425 00:15:25,380 --> 00:15:29,048 I can't do anything about it. 426 00:15:29,073 --> 00:15:30,118 I'm sorry. 427 00:15:30,143 --> 00:15:31,793 He's really happy with someone else. 428 00:15:31,818 --> 00:15:33,937 - I couldn't go back there. - Hey, hey, hey. 429 00:15:34,030 --> 00:15:36,090 It's okay. You don't have to. 430 00:15:36,388 --> 00:15:39,272 You can stay here as long as you want. 431 00:15:39,747 --> 00:15:42,858 You've been taking care of me, now I'm gonna take care of you. 432 00:15:43,001 --> 00:15:45,206 You know what, I'm gonna read you 433 00:15:45,231 --> 00:15:46,904 one of my favorite books. See? 434 00:15:46,939 --> 00:15:48,399 - Oh... - Before the Web: 435 00:15:48,424 --> 00:15:50,650 The Story of Telephone Operators. 436 00:15:51,978 --> 00:15:55,046 "She sat by the switchboard, 437 00:15:55,415 --> 00:15:57,447 "anxiously awaiting... 438 00:15:57,567 --> 00:15:59,371 "the phone call. 439 00:15:59,569 --> 00:16:02,237 "Ring. Ring. 440 00:16:05,728 --> 00:16:07,152 "Ring." 441 00:16:07,177 --> 00:16:09,786 I don't even understand what we're arguing about. 442 00:16:09,821 --> 00:16:11,917 I'm mad about the promotion. 443 00:16:11,942 --> 00:16:13,501 And that you have been sitting on it 444 00:16:13,526 --> 00:16:15,532 for a month and not telling me. 445 00:16:15,568 --> 00:16:17,234 I thought that you liked that we have our own thing. 446 00:16:17,269 --> 00:16:18,869 - I don't know, maybe I... - That we were two... 447 00:16:18,897 --> 00:16:20,752 independent, different people and we live our lives 448 00:16:20,777 --> 00:16:22,206 and then we come together and we hang out. 449 00:16:22,241 --> 00:16:24,045 I just want more, I guess. 450 00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,476 I want to talk about stuff, 451 00:16:25,511 --> 00:16:27,014 and I know while I'm saying this 452 00:16:27,039 --> 00:16:29,187 I hate that I'm saying it, but I feel it. 453 00:16:29,212 --> 00:16:30,749 Nick, we're talking about stuff right now. 454 00:16:30,783 --> 00:16:32,606 No, we're not talking about all the stuff. 455 00:16:32,631 --> 00:16:34,776 - We're talking about some of the stuff. - How much stuff is there? 456 00:16:34,801 --> 00:16:36,171 There's piles of stuff. 457 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:38,345 There's piles upon piles of stuff. 458 00:16:38,370 --> 00:16:40,056 Like, I want to talk about... I want to talk about 459 00:16:40,081 --> 00:16:41,463 why we don't have nicknames for each other? 460 00:16:41,488 --> 00:16:43,775 I mean, why don't we call each other Mr. Cub and Sparky? 461 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,457 Who's Mr. Cub? You're Mr. Cub? 462 00:16:45,492 --> 00:16:46,509 You think I would be Sparky? 463 00:16:46,534 --> 00:16:48,167 If we had nicknames it would not be those. 464 00:16:48,192 --> 00:16:50,190 You just call me Nick, is my point. 465 00:16:50,215 --> 00:16:52,148 - That's your name. - I know, but I would like 466 00:16:52,173 --> 00:16:53,775 to talk about nicknames. 467 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:54,831 It doesn't matter. 468 00:16:54,856 --> 00:16:57,346 All this matters. This is the stuff. 469 00:16:57,371 --> 00:16:59,321 I want to talk about why you have a second apartment. 470 00:16:59,350 --> 00:17:01,275 - We talked about that. - And it was weird then. 471 00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:02,781 We barely talked about it. 472 00:17:02,806 --> 00:17:03,943 I also want to talk about the fact 473 00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:05,921 I've never been at my best sexually with you. 474 00:17:05,946 --> 00:17:07,145 I've been, like, a seven, 475 00:17:07,180 --> 00:17:08,441 but, at other times in my life, 476 00:17:08,466 --> 00:17:09,714 I've been an eight-and-a-half. 477 00:17:09,750 --> 00:17:11,651 - Okay. - But you've only seen a seven. 478 00:17:11,676 --> 00:17:13,860 So you think of me as a seven in bed. 479 00:17:14,121 --> 00:17:16,935 - But I'm an eight-and-a-half. - I'm really tired. 480 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,405 Can you just write it all down 481 00:17:18,430 --> 00:17:19,933 and I'll fill it out and I'll get it back to you. 482 00:17:19,958 --> 00:17:21,960 All right, then just answer me this, and then we'll be done. 483 00:17:21,995 --> 00:17:23,554 'Cause this is important. 484 00:17:23,753 --> 00:17:25,074 If we weren't together 485 00:17:25,099 --> 00:17:27,900 and you were offered this same promotion, 486 00:17:28,391 --> 00:17:29,911 would you take it? 487 00:17:34,538 --> 00:17:37,112 Yes, I would take it. 488 00:17:39,979 --> 00:17:41,984 Then you should take the job, Reagan. 489 00:17:43,316 --> 00:17:44,882 Okay, I'll take it. 490 00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:49,100 Are we cool? 491 00:17:50,629 --> 00:17:51,895 Yeah. 492 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,491 Dream job. 493 00:17:53,527 --> 00:17:56,075 Good, I'm so happy for you. This is awesome. 494 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,827 Uh, okay. 495 00:17:58,852 --> 00:18:00,298 But before we go to bed tonight, 496 00:18:00,333 --> 00:18:02,538 can you please just do something about your raffle prize? 497 00:18:02,563 --> 00:18:04,619 - His name's Stewart. - Why did you bring it home? 498 00:18:04,644 --> 00:18:06,806 I don't know, I won. 499 00:18:08,475 --> 00:18:10,777 Hey, thought I might find you here. 500 00:18:10,802 --> 00:18:11,871 Oh. 501 00:18:11,896 --> 00:18:13,724 Hiding your maybes? 502 00:18:13,749 --> 00:18:17,157 Sometimes I hide mine in a garbage can. 503 00:18:17,182 --> 00:18:18,753 A new one. 504 00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:21,085 Don't try to talk me out of worrying about my son. 505 00:18:21,121 --> 00:18:22,453 I won't. 506 00:18:22,478 --> 00:18:25,557 I just want you to know you're not alone. 507 00:18:25,592 --> 00:18:27,506 I'm out there worrying about him, too, 508 00:18:27,545 --> 00:18:30,428 but we have got each other's backs. 509 00:18:32,923 --> 00:18:35,955 How's that dress gonna fit you when you ain't got no legs? 510 00:18:37,929 --> 00:18:40,500 Oh. I need to tell you something. 511 00:18:40,525 --> 00:18:42,311 No, no, just... 512 00:18:42,713 --> 00:18:44,300 let me go first. 513 00:18:44,718 --> 00:18:47,360 This job has given me so much. 514 00:18:47,385 --> 00:18:50,425 Purpose, pride, my future wife, 515 00:18:50,750 --> 00:18:53,351 CPR certification... against my will, I might add, 516 00:18:53,386 --> 00:18:55,858 because I truly believe that it is witchcraft, 517 00:18:55,883 --> 00:18:57,222 but that's not the point. 518 00:18:57,257 --> 00:18:59,591 I have tried so many things. 519 00:18:59,921 --> 00:19:01,593 But being a cop is the first time 520 00:19:01,628 --> 00:19:04,429 I've ever felt a calling. 521 00:19:04,984 --> 00:19:06,484 I'm proud of you. 522 00:19:08,229 --> 00:19:11,202 Yeah. I-I will deal with my fears. 523 00:19:11,408 --> 00:19:14,075 Um... but there's one more thing. 524 00:19:22,032 --> 00:19:23,632 Oh, my God. 525 00:19:24,350 --> 00:19:27,911 Mom, you've been a cop this whole time? 526 00:19:27,936 --> 00:19:29,300 No. 527 00:19:29,325 --> 00:19:31,321 - You're not a cop. - It was your dad's. 528 00:19:31,346 --> 00:19:32,490 He's a cop. 529 00:19:32,526 --> 00:19:34,343 Wherever the hell he is. 530 00:19:34,694 --> 00:19:36,587 Wow. Um... 531 00:19:38,199 --> 00:19:40,500 You know, that's the first thing you ever told me about him. 532 00:19:41,402 --> 00:19:43,034 So you know I got a lot of practice 533 00:19:43,069 --> 00:19:45,069 worrying about someone coming home. 534 00:19:45,105 --> 00:19:48,106 Maybe that's the reason I'm so overprotective with you. 535 00:19:48,263 --> 00:19:51,090 He left this behind, among other things. 536 00:19:51,311 --> 00:19:53,302 I just use it to get out of tickets. 537 00:19:53,327 --> 00:19:56,491 And one time I did use it for a discount on a... 538 00:19:56,516 --> 00:19:58,391 - a rental car. - Oh. 539 00:19:58,753 --> 00:20:00,799 - Take it. - No, I don't want it. 540 00:20:01,221 --> 00:20:02,695 You're my dad. 541 00:20:02,729 --> 00:20:04,462 You're my mom and my dad. 542 00:20:04,487 --> 00:20:05,785 I know that. 543 00:20:05,810 --> 00:20:08,993 And I'm not saying he's not a piece of crap, either. 544 00:20:09,029 --> 00:20:10,728 But you should have this. 545 00:20:20,373 --> 00:20:21,773 We can talk about this later, 546 00:20:21,798 --> 00:20:25,279 but what was the rental car company you used? 547 00:20:29,316 --> 00:20:32,317 Well, I don't think me and Reagan are working out. 548 00:20:32,352 --> 00:20:35,219 Really? Oh, bub, I'm so sorry. 549 00:20:35,255 --> 00:20:37,666 Come lay your head on my bosom. Come here. 550 00:20:37,691 --> 00:20:40,336 No, I'll do hers if I was gonna do either, but... 551 00:20:41,161 --> 00:20:42,961 well, I'm really glad you guys are here. 552 00:20:45,607 --> 00:20:47,065 Tell us everything. 553 00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:49,101 - But first, say that one more time. - Oh, you really want me to? 554 00:20:49,126 --> 00:20:50,174 - Yeah. - Yeah. 555 00:20:50,199 --> 00:20:51,239 Oh. Uh, I'm really glad you're here. 556 00:20:51,264 --> 00:20:52,922 We're really glad that we're here, too. 557 00:20:52,947 --> 00:20:54,313 Very happy about it. 558 00:20:54,338 --> 00:20:55,664 - All right. - One more time. 559 00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:57,408 The part about you being glad that we're here. 560 00:20:57,444 --> 00:20:59,177 - Making me regret it. - One more time. 561 00:20:59,212 --> 00:21:01,509 I feel like we talked about everything. I'm gonna grab a beer. 562 00:21:01,534 --> 00:21:03,071 I like American football a lot. 563 00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:05,497 And you know who I like, I like that Tom Brady. 564 00:21:05,522 --> 00:21:07,681 Uh, I like the way he looks, I like the way he smells. 565 00:21:07,706 --> 00:21:09,509 Nick, shut up, man! 566 00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:11,066 I'm at... I'm at work. 567 00:21:11,091 --> 00:21:12,412 Mi-mi-mi, mi-mi-mi. 568 00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:14,142 Chacho. Chacho. 569 00:21:14,167 --> 00:21:15,985 This is traffic on the 12. Linda? 570 00:21:16,010 --> 00:21:18,673 Move! Get your ass out the way! 571 00:21:18,732 --> 00:21:20,672 I'm trying to get to work on time. 572 00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:21,741 Linda, you okay? 573 00:21:21,766 --> 00:21:22,778 I'm fine. 574 00:21:22,803 --> 00:21:24,535 It's the reason why I'm late. I'm in traffic 575 00:21:24,571 --> 00:21:26,104 behind a damn Camry. 576 00:21:26,139 --> 00:21:27,867 If he don't move his ass out the way... 577 00:21:27,892 --> 00:21:29,273 Linda, all right, that's enough of you. 578 00:21:30,364 --> 00:21:32,064 PG-13.