1
00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:04,269
Just make up an excuse
2
00:00:04,271 --> 00:00:05,637
and get out
of jury duty, Jess.
3
00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:07,039
Please, I need you.
No, Nick.
4
00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:08,874
It's a right
and a privilege.
5
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,876
In South Africa, they
don't even have juries.
6
00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:12,511
They have a-a judge
and two assessors.
7
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,213
God, I would have
bullied you as a kid.
8
00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,281
Jury duty is supposed
to be a sacrifice.
9
00:00:16,283 --> 00:00:17,883
Would I like to be
at work right now,
10
00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:19,885
participating in the
Spirit Week assembly?
11
00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:21,720
Yeah, I would.
12
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,756
I've turned in some memorable
performances in the past.
13
00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,897
But it's just one day--
you'll be fine without me.
14
00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:33,866
Now that Cece
and Schmidt are engaged,
15
00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:37,703
she's here all the time,
and her stuff is everywhere.
16
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,371
Okay, yes, she's a hot slob.
17
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,540
Ever since she got boobs, people
stopped making her do stuff.
18
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,809
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, that is not an excuse.
19
00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:45,911
When I first grew boobs,
people started handing me stuff,
20
00:00:45,913 --> 00:00:48,180
and I got messy, but then
you got to grow up.
21
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:50,182
Not the same thing.
They're just boobs.
22
00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:52,184
I promise you, tonight when
I get back from jury duty,
23
00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:55,187
I will explain it to her in
a way that she'll listen to,
24
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:57,589
unlike your way, where
she'll rip your dingle off
25
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,825
and sew it back on your
head like a unicorn horn.
26
00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:00,993
She doesn't even live here.
27
00:01:00,995 --> 00:01:02,194
She never signed
our loft agreement.
28
00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:04,096
She doesn't even
know all the rules.
29
00:01:04,098 --> 00:01:06,098
(laughing):
Hi. Look at you in red.
30
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,666
You look so cute.
31
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:09,835
(chuckling):
Thank you.
32
00:01:09,837 --> 00:01:12,004
CECE:
Love this top.
33
00:01:12,006 --> 00:01:14,073
Jess, Nick needs to stop telling
that wet pants story, okay?
34
00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:16,775
I know. I've heard it
four times this week.
35
00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:19,044
So I take a hot glass
out of the dishwasher,
36
00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:21,447
I pour cold
water into it,
37
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:22,881
then the customer
picks up the glass,
38
00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:24,283
and the bottom falls off.
39
00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:25,617
Oh, that's crazy.
For real?
40
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:27,019
NICK: He looks down,
and he goes like this:
41
00:01:27,021 --> 00:01:28,687
(Italian accent):
"Oh, my pants are wet."
42
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,589
(laughing)
43
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:33,525
I know, he-he needs
to shape that story.
44
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:34,927
I don't know how
you live with him.
45
00:01:34,929 --> 00:01:36,528
He is the most obnoxious...
46
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:37,796
WINSTON: Knock it off.
(indistinct arguing)
47
00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:38,964
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey.
48
00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:40,365
Stop. Stop it.
Knock it off.
49
00:01:40,367 --> 00:01:41,366
Jess, are you cool
with me hanging
50
00:01:41,368 --> 00:01:43,202
this groundbreaking poster
51
00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:44,703
of dogs playing poker
on the wall?
52
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:46,538
Jess, please tell him
that he cannot hang
53
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:48,440
this horrible painting.
I really have to go.
54
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,908
I think it's hilarious--
they're playing poker.
55
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,276
Rather see a painting
56
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:52,778
of Arnold Schwarzenegger,
mid-coitus.
57
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:53,779
(grunts)
58
00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,314
Just straight up doing it.
59
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:56,782
Let's talk about
the painting tonight.
60
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:57,950
Uh, do nothing till I get home.
61
00:01:57,952 --> 00:01:59,118
Do nothing till
I get home.
62
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,119
Do nothing
till I get home.
63
00:02:00,121 --> 00:02:01,453
SCHMIDT:
Bye-bye.
64
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:02,955
Bye. Okay. Yeah.
65
00:02:02,957 --> 00:02:04,323
NICK:
That's my guy.
66
00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:05,491
Is it me,
or is Cece really...
67
00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:06,492
BOTH:
Messy.
68
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:07,493
Yes.
69
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:08,927
(scoffs)
Dude.
70
00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:10,295
I love it when we
say things at...
71
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,331
Same time.
the same time.
72
00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:13,765
Just... just...
we're right there s...
73
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,601
R-Right there s...
74
00:02:15,603 --> 00:02:17,002
Wait. When we say
things at the...
75
00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:18,837
same... time.
Same... time.
76
00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:20,272
Okay, now you're getting
in your head again.
77
00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:21,607
Okay, so...
Just relax.
78
00:02:21,609 --> 00:02:23,509
Remember the thing
about Cece being really...
79
00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:25,110
BOTH:
Messy.
80
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:26,945
And we say things at the same...
The same...
81
00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:28,347
See, you're getting in your head
because you're going quieter.
82
00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:29,948
Just go with your gut.
(groans)
83
00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:32,284
Isn't Cece really... messy?
This is fun. Messy.
84
00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:33,685
'Cause we say things at the same...
time. Time.
85
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:35,654
I'm done with you.
I had it.
86
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:37,489
? ?
87
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:41,927
? ?
88
00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:46,832
Trying to get out of jury duty?
Excuse me?
89
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,367
The way you're dressed,
90
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:49,835
like you're in a school
play about old people.
91
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:50,969
You want the judge to
think you're crazy.
92
00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:53,105
These are my real clothes,
93
00:02:53,107 --> 00:02:55,507
and I would never try
to get out of jury duty.
94
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:58,143
It's not just a right;
it's also a privilege.
95
00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:00,546
And who are you
to talk about clothes?
96
00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:02,848
You're just wearing
a blue suit.
97
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,183
Oh, call Milan.
98
00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:06,351
Notice I'm not calling Milan.
99
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:08,187
Wow.
100
00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:09,621
I'm sorry.
101
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,023
I actually
agree with you.
102
00:03:11,025 --> 00:03:12,391
Can we start over?
103
00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:13,959
Can I buy your
coffee for you?
104
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:16,528
Herbal tea, and make it a big one.
You got it.
105
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:17,896
(cell phone rings)
Oh, excuse me.
106
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,965
Yeah.
107
00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:21,800
Oh, hey, Nick.
108
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:24,203
I just met the other
only person in America
109
00:03:24,205 --> 00:03:27,139
who cares about jury duty,
and he's a gosh-damn dreamboat.
110
00:03:27,141 --> 00:03:28,540
Jess, we have an emergency.
111
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,175
Cece's washing her clothes,
112
00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:31,877
and I can't even get
down the hall.
113
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,745
She's built a laundry dam.
114
00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,881
Well, can't you just step over it?
No time.
115
00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,749
You know I need to go
straight from the bathroom
116
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,384
to the kitchen.
It's a blood sugar thing.
117
00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:41,587
WINSTON: Hey, Jess, it's
your roommate Winston Bishop.
118
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:45,023
Isn't it amazing how a frame
can elevate already great art?
119
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:47,092
Winston, don't hang that picture
till I get home.
120
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,860
And I would talk
to Schmidt about it,
121
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:50,429
but it's like he can't
even see the mess.
122
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,264
It's like he's love-blind
or something.
123
00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:54,266
Oh, man, I've never been
this happy in my entire life.
124
00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:55,701
I got to tell
you, you guys,
125
00:03:55,703 --> 00:03:57,703
Cece and I just
had shower sex.
126
00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:59,338
Don't.
127
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,739
Did he just kiss you?
128
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,374
Why does he act like
the Pope when he's happy?
129
00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:03,842
I guess I'll just talk
to Cece myself,
130
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,510
and I'll tell her
she's a disgusting beast,
131
00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:08,013
and she'll have to listen to me
'cause I'm the man of the house.
132
00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:09,848
What?! No, no, no!
133
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,683
Do not talk to Cece.
134
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:14,920
Also... everything you just said
was offensive. Everything.
135
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,922
Do not talk to Cece.
136
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:19,391
Ignore every natural
instinct you have.
137
00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:21,793
What's up, dude?
138
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:24,196
Hey, you mind if I steal
Jess for a second?
139
00:04:24,198 --> 00:04:25,197
Be careful.
The screen's cracked.
140
00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:26,632
You might cut your face off.
Yeah.
141
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:28,867
NICK: Hey, Jess, I'm gonna
give you to... to Winston.
142
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,269
Uh...
143
00:04:30,271 --> 00:04:32,271
I just have
to step over the...
144
00:04:32,273 --> 00:04:34,706
I'm not sure how I'm gonna
get over the... Here.
145
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:35,774
Just...
146
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:40,545
Uh, just... here,
come on, come on.
147
00:04:40,547 --> 00:04:41,947
(grunts triumphantly)
148
00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:44,216
Tell her I got over.
Tell her I'm okay.
149
00:04:44,218 --> 00:04:45,817
Nick says he's fine.
150
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:47,653
Hey, uh, Jess?
151
00:04:47,655 --> 00:04:50,489
If one were to put
a hammer through a wall,
152
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:52,391
what would one do?
153
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:53,392
I actually have
to get going.
154
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:54,993
Hello? Je...
Uh, I got to go. Bye.
155
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:56,261
It was really
nice to meet you.
156
00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:57,629
Oh, nice meeting you, too.
157
00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,097
Um, I'm Jess.
158
00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:00,232
And you are?
159
00:05:00,234 --> 00:05:01,233
It's on the cup.
160
00:05:01,235 --> 00:05:03,235
Oh.
(laughs)
161
00:05:03,237 --> 00:05:04,803
"Daniel."
(chuckles)
162
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,638
And your phone number.
That's a cool move.
163
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,774
Yeah, it was
a cool move, huh?
164
00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:11,610
? ?
165
00:05:11,612 --> 00:05:13,812
You disgusting beast.
166
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,115
SCHMIDT:
Hey, Nick.
167
00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:18,850
Did you leave your cereal out?
168
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:20,552
You need to clean up
after yourself.
169
00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:23,455
Shared living space, bro.
170
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:24,656
I can't do it.
171
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,291
Schmidt, I can't do it.
172
00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:27,759
You can clean up the cereal.
Just go put it away.
173
00:05:29,697 --> 00:05:31,797
There's no cereal here; it's
in the kitchen. Go clean it up.
174
00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:34,333
Open your eyes, open your eyes
to what's happening.
175
00:05:34,335 --> 00:05:37,035
You already sleep
in a mud dungeon. Please...
176
00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:38,470
Cece's a hot slob.
177
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,539
Cece, you're a hot slob.
178
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:42,841
What?
I'm sorry, what?
179
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,010
Look around, her stuff
is everywhere.
180
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,445
It's disgusting.
181
00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:48,380
Hey, Cece, you know what's fly?
182
00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:50,382
Love that hat.
Cleaning's fly.
183
00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:52,517
Cleaning's cool, dude.
184
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,953
Hey, everybody, I'm Cece Parekh.
185
00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:57,789
I got a bunch of hats,
but I never wear them,
186
00:05:57,791 --> 00:06:00,792
'cause I'm so busy throwing
them around, being fly.
187
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:02,194
Clean up after...!
188
00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:03,628
Let's get her, Winston.
189
00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:05,030
Am I right?
Uh, you know...
190
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:06,465
I think we should
just remember
191
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:09,301
that we all make...
mistakes, um...
192
00:06:09,303 --> 00:06:10,702
Don't get soft
on me right now.
193
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:11,970
So keep-keep
that in mind
194
00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:13,405
as we go forward
with our day.
195
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:14,840
I'm hard to live with?
NICK: Yeah.
196
00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:16,241
Because I got
news for you--
197
00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:19,244
you are so much harder
to live with.
198
00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:22,080
Hey, uh, guys,
I-I feel like we're headed
199
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:23,515
down a really
unproductive path.
200
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,150
I made tabbouleh.
Who wants some?
201
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,818
Yes. Love some.
202
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:30,088
You tell the same
story over and over.
203
00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:32,257
"I've got wet pants."
We get it.
204
00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:33,425
Bottom of the glass
fell clean off.
205
00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:35,060
It was a science miracle.
206
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,028
No, the glass was hot, and the
ice made the glass contract,
207
00:06:37,030 --> 00:06:39,498
and that is why it broke;
not funny the first six times,
208
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,266
and not funny now, 'cause,
guess what, Nick Miller--
209
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:44,035
not always funny.
No...
210
00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:45,504
Whoa.
211
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:47,572
He's... so funny.
You're so funny, man.
212
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,608
I'm... You don't have to hold me
back. There's not a problem.
213
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:50,909
(chuckles) Say what
you got to say.
214
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,611
You want to say
anything else, say it.
215
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,179
Not always funny.
Say it to my face.
216
00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:55,914
Not always funny.
Say it again.
217
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:58,116
Not always funny.
(whispering): Say it again.
218
00:06:58,118 --> 00:06:59,418
Not always funny.
Say it again.
219
00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:00,519
Not always funny.
Say it again.
220
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:02,020
Not always funny.
Say it again.
221
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,889
Not always funny. SCHMIDT: So why
don't we just sit down and...
222
00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:05,690
and talk this out like adults?
223
00:07:05,692 --> 00:07:07,893
I would love to, Schmidty,
but where will we sit?
224
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:09,961
Okay.
Oh, perhaps we'll sit
225
00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:12,431
on this pile of
uneaten carrots.
226
00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,065
It's like I'm living
with Secretariat,
227
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,133
the horse!
228
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:17,269
(laughs)
He's hilarious.
229
00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:19,971
On the plus side, I'm being very witty
during this fight! You know what, Nick?
230
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,940
WOMAN:
Number 24.
231
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,642
Number 16.
232
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,410
Yes! Sorry.
233
00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:26,878
I never win anything.
234
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,314
(phone ringing)
Sorry. Uh, uh... oh.
235
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,049
Dr. Foster, is everything okay?
236
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:32,284
FOSTER:
J.D.?
237
00:07:32,286 --> 00:07:33,251
It ain't.
238
00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:34,619
I decided I was gonna be
239
00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:36,588
Marcus the Meerkat,
because, you know,
240
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:39,491
you and I have remarkably
similar body shapes.
241
00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:40,926
Okay.
242
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:42,160
Um, what's the problem?
243
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:44,262
I fell and shattered my hip.
244
00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:46,131
Oh, God! I'm so sorry.
245
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,566
How bad is it?
246
00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:50,402
The, uh, paramedic
described my left leg
247
00:07:50,404 --> 00:07:53,338
as a skin bag full of
248
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,906
hip shards?
249
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,842
A skin... a skin bag
full of hip shards.
250
00:07:56,844 --> 00:07:58,777
You're gonna have
to take over my duties.
251
00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:01,813
We are talking
about the big job:
252
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,281
acting principal.
253
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:04,416
Yes!
254
00:08:04,418 --> 00:08:06,818
I'd love to!
255
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:09,588
Oh... but my number
just got called.
256
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:10,989
Well, that means
257
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:12,424
the district's gonna be
258
00:08:12,426 --> 00:08:15,160
bringing in Becky Cavatappi.
Ugh!
259
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,195
They've been pushing her
for my job.
260
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:18,497
She has fake zoomers.
261
00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:20,165
What kind of message
does that send
262
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,967
to girls with growing zoomers?
263
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:24,269
I think she had
her butt done, too.
264
00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:25,837
Every time she runs,
265
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:28,006
that thing sounds like
an Indian rain stick.
266
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,774
I really want
to be principal, so, um...
267
00:08:29,776 --> 00:08:31,009
I'll be there.
268
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,979
Uh, I'll just have to, um...
269
00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:36,314
get out of jury duty.
270
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:37,949
I'll talk to you soon!
271
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,284
(shrieks in pain)
272
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,688
Sorry.
It's a tense situation.
273
00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:50,195
So who should I call next
to tell my story?
274
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,112
I'm not cleaning till you
get off the phone, Nicole.
275
00:08:52,138 --> 00:08:53,098
How about Patty's Pizza?
276
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,300
Smooth it out, smooth it out.
277
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:57,702
(cracking sounds)
Oh, boy.
278
00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,037
You are angry.
279
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,772
(phone ringing)
280
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,209
Winston, I need your help...
281
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,644
(whispering):
getting out of jury duty.
282
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,312
Jessica damn Day!
283
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:09,047
I know, I'm a terrible person.
Put Nick on the phone.
284
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,048
No can do, J.
285
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,550
He and Cece are in it.
286
00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:12,817
(indistinct shouting)
287
00:09:12,819 --> 00:09:14,252
What? I told him
not to talk to her.
288
00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:16,254
How bad is it? Is Nick
standing really wide-legged?
289
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:17,322
Is Cece calling him
290
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:18,657
mean girl names?
291
00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:20,158
Don't call me Nicole!
292
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,760
Okay, Nick-hole!
293
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,495
Yeah. That's happening.
294
00:09:23,497 --> 00:09:24,729
Kids, huh?
Yeah.
295
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:25,597
(grunts knowingly)
296
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:27,566
Is that Jess? Jess.
297
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:28,867
It's awful.
298
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:30,201
I don't know what to do.
I'm sure Cece
299
00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:31,570
has her flaws,
but I just can't see them.
300
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,538
And even if I could,
what would I do?
301
00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:35,440
How does a man stand up
to the sunset?
302
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:37,876
Cece and Nick are basically
the same person.
303
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:39,511
Both stubborn, hotheaded
304
00:09:39,513 --> 00:09:40,745
and brutally honest.
305
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,447
Oh, dear Lord.
306
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,382
I'm marrying Nick.
Duh.
307
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,051
Aw. I kind of love that.
308
00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:47,519
All right,
what should we do?
309
00:09:47,521 --> 00:09:48,753
Can't go to
Cece's apartment.
310
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,388
Nadia's baby is teething.
311
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:52,090
Have you ever heard
a Russian child scream?
312
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,925
All the time,
in my Putin nightmare.
313
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:56,428
Look, get Cece to sign
the loft agreement.
314
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:58,263
Nick wrote it,
so he'll like that.
315
00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:00,398
They'll both play hardball
till they get bored,
316
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,766
which will be
immediately.
317
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,535
That's good.
318
00:10:03,537 --> 00:10:05,604
You've impressed me today.
Oh, wait, wait. Is that Jess?
319
00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:07,572
Hey, hey. Give me the phone.
All right.
320
00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:09,708
Hey, Jess, Nick-hole
here... What?
321
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,576
Stop calling me Nicole!
I'm a boy!
322
00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:13,111
CECE: Nick is calling
everyone he knows
323
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,579
to tell them this dumb story.
324
00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:15,914
Hello, your friend
is a pig person.
325
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:16,915
Guys, stop.
326
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:18,283
Hey, Chaz, I'm on
the other line.
327
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:20,151
You're not gonna believe
what happens to this glass.
328
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:22,053
It's an incredible story; you're
gonna freak out. Please stop.
329
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:23,421
I'll talk to you soon.
JESS: Put me on speaker.
330
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:24,723
Hold on.
331
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:25,757
Button's right there.
332
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,292
I know which button it is.
333
00:10:30,897 --> 00:10:32,297
Now, what I'm about to say
334
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:33,665
might shock you,
335
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:35,634
but I need help
getting out of jury duty.
336
00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:37,602
Oh-ho-ho!
Well, well, well...
337
00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:39,671
Look, I have the chance
to be acting principal.
338
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:41,906
You don't know Becky Cavatappi,
but she's a murderer.
339
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:42,841
What?
340
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:44,342
She-she's not a murderer,
341
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:47,278
but I...
I really don't like her.
342
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,347
You can't just be going around
throwing "murderer" on people.
343
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,182
Guys, I need to go in
right now. What do I do?
344
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,451
Whatever the trial's about,
I say I don't believe in it.
345
00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:55,120
Just tell them that your parents
are Pakistani militants.
346
00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:56,588
That's what I do; works every time.
Yeah.
347
00:10:56,590 --> 00:10:58,189
Why'd you have an accent
when you said "Pakistani"?
348
00:10:58,191 --> 00:10:59,958
Because that's actually how
you pronounce it. "Pakazani"?
349
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,626
It's great seeing you guys
work together.
350
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:02,627
You said it stupid.
351
00:11:02,629 --> 00:11:03,962
I don't really want to lie.
352
00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:05,296
It's kind of
not really my brand.
353
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:06,765
You'll never see any
of these people again.
354
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:08,967
There are no consequences.
Okay. Uh, I gotta go.
355
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:11,102
Just remember
you're a garbage person
356
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,771
and you hate America.
357
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:15,540
I'm a garbage person
who hates America.
358
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:19,844
WOMAN: Do you solemnly
swear to tell the truth,
359
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:22,013
the whole truth
360
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:24,716
and nothing but the truth,
so help me God?
361
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:26,651
The whole truth
and nothing but the truth,
362
00:11:26,653 --> 00:11:29,054
so help me Gob.
363
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,457
Did... did you just say "Gob"?
364
00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:38,196
Did you say "Gob"?
365
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,230
What?
Yeah, she said "Gob."
366
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,299
Whose side are you on?
367
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:42,901
Justice.
368
00:11:42,903 --> 00:11:43,968
? ?
369
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:51,142
DANIEL: This question is for
potential juror number 16.
370
00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:53,344
This case involves marriage.
371
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,814
I don't believe in marriage.
372
00:11:57,684 --> 00:12:00,151
Excuse me, you don't
believe in marriage?
373
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:01,720
As a concept?
374
00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:05,657
Well, you know, you gotta
keep the freeway open.
375
00:12:05,659 --> 00:12:07,692
Uh, 'cause...
376
00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:09,561
sooner or later,
you're gonna get tired
377
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:12,831
of the same cars
driving down it.
378
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:15,033
Capiche?
379
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:16,835
Yes, capiche.
380
00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:18,703
The two things that are ruining
this country
381
00:12:18,705 --> 00:12:20,371
are marriage and democracy.
382
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:21,873
How refreshing.
383
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:24,743
Another person who wants
to get out of jury duty.
384
00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:27,212
I thought some people
took this seriously,
385
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:28,379
but apparently not.
386
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,115
Trial by jury
387
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:32,350
is a pillar
of our democracy,
388
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,719
and yes, it is inconvenient.
389
00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:37,122
But sometimes, sacrifice
390
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:38,957
and civic duty are.
391
00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:41,893
You don't deserve the honor
of serving your country.
392
00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:43,128
Maybe you should live
in South Africa,
393
00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:44,362
where they don't have juries.
394
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:45,697
I know, I know!
395
00:12:45,699 --> 00:12:47,232
They have a judge
and two assessors.
396
00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:48,700
Look, I'm-I'm so sorry.
397
00:12:48,702 --> 00:12:50,034
I didn't mean
all that other stuff.
398
00:12:50,036 --> 00:12:51,436
I'd be a great juror.
399
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:52,971
If you put me on this jury,
400
00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:54,606
you will not regret it.
401
00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:59,978
That was an emotional moment,
402
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:04,215
and I feel it would
be best punctuated with a...
403
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,050
crash of that thing.
404
00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:06,885
Nah.
405
00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:09,387
? ?
406
00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:11,122
The roommate loft agreement
407
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,991
was formed in
the year of our Lord 2005.
408
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,592
Hurricane Katrina
409
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:16,261
had just decimated
the American South,
410
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:19,330
but we here, in Loft 4D,
411
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:22,300
had gone through, well,
perhaps in many ways
412
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,002
a more horrifying Katrina.
413
00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:25,570
You can't say that.
Can't say that.
414
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:28,573
A kitchen condom
disposal clause?
415
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:30,809
That is not a relevant clause.
416
00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:32,477
Not relevant?
I almost died.
417
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,580
Ugh.
418
00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:37,315
Winston!
Yeah?
419
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,617
Stop having sex in the sink!
420
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:41,186
Okay.
421
00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:43,254
First clause:
"If a roommate has
422
00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:45,123
"five or more grooming products
in the bathroom,
423
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:46,791
"they must use
a shower caddy
424
00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:48,760
"or pay an additional
ten dollars in rent,
425
00:13:48,762 --> 00:13:51,129
adjusted every two years
for inflation."
426
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:54,632
I currently pay
an additional $11.97 in rent.
427
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:56,601
Okay, yeah, well, I'm not
using a shower caddy,
428
00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:59,204
because I'm an adult woman
and I don't live in a dorm.
429
00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:00,538
Have you been
to a dorm recently?
430
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:01,806
It's like a spa.
431
00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:03,608
Those horny texters
live like kings.
432
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:05,476
Nick is really damaging
this negotiation.
433
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:06,878
Hey, speaking of damages,
434
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,680
you know, what if
we all pitched in
435
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:10,148
to fix loft damages?
436
00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:12,684
I don't know, let's say...
437
00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:14,853
Nick broke something,
like a wall.
438
00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:16,354
I'll fix it. I can fix anything.
439
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,822
Yeah, not according to
440
00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:19,657
the "Nick can't do
electrical work" clause.
441
00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:21,593
No, no, don't touch him!
He's electric, he's electric!
442
00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:24,429
Hot!
443
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:28,800
Cece, you're the love
of my life,
444
00:14:28,802 --> 00:14:30,501
but I-I kindly ask
that you don't read ahead.
445
00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:31,736
CECE:
Okay, fine.
446
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,471
I'll use a shower caddy, okay?
447
00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,406
And now that I've
agreed to my thing,
448
00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:38,042
can we just agree that
Nick can limit his stories?
449
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:39,310
You trying to take away
450
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:40,545
my constitutional right
to be hilarious?
451
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:41,913
Fine. I won't use
a shower caddy.
452
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:45,250
Use the caddy,
I'll be less chatty.
453
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,886
It's hilarious.
454
00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:49,554
It's undeniably hilarious
that I just said that.
455
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,489
Do you hear yourself?
Great, we're in agreement.
456
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:53,691
Now just sign here,
and we'll give you a key.
457
00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:55,927
Give her a key? (scoffs)
458
00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:57,095
I'm a little confused.
459
00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:58,563
Is that really necessary?
460
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:01,332
It's like giving a squirrel
a key to the park.
461
00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:03,234
The park is always open,
and the squirrel
462
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:04,869
is there with rabbit,
463
00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:06,871
and squirrel and rabbit
are there all the time.
464
00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:09,941
So does squirrel need key?
465
00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:11,876
What is happening? You're
dropping all your articles.
466
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:13,845
I not!
Now you're losing verbs!
467
00:15:13,847 --> 00:15:15,546
So, are the squirrel and
the rabbit-- they're friends?
468
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:16,915
Hey, babe, do not
get concerned.
469
00:15:16,917 --> 00:15:18,549
He's probably just
tired or hungry,
470
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:20,051
or getting jealous
that I'm spending
471
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:22,387
so much time with
his best friend.
472
00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:25,390
As a matter of fact,
I am tired, and I am hungry,
473
00:15:25,392 --> 00:15:28,459
but the third thing
is way off base.
474
00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:30,962
If you weren't a girl,
Uh-huh?
475
00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:33,131
I'd karate chop you in the mouth.
You would get winded
476
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,967
just trying to ball
your fist up, dough-boy.
477
00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:37,568
Well, good thing you don't need
a fist for a karate chop,
478
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:39,804
you stupid idiot.
You are such a door knob.
479
00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:41,572
And if I wanted to karate chop
you, you'd be dead!
480
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:42,607
(laughs) Look at her flinch.
481
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:43,741
This is good.
So scared.
482
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:44,876
Shakey-shakey.
483
00:15:44,878 --> 00:15:46,044
I literally have
not moved.
484
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:48,212
I'm so not worried about you.
485
00:15:48,214 --> 00:15:50,682
(panting)
486
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,152
You want to go take a nap now?
487
00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:56,154
Stop! I can't listen
to the two people
488
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:58,289
I love most in this world
fight like this.
489
00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:00,792
Sorry, Winston.
490
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,293
Huh? What'd he say?
491
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:05,296
(door slams)
492
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,531
(thud)
493
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:12,203
Oh, no.
494
00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:18,509
Schmidt, what
did you do?
495
00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:20,845
So, you are all
496
00:16:20,847 --> 00:16:22,413
serving on this jury.
497
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:26,084
This is a capital case
498
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:27,618
and will last
upwards of a month,
499
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:29,654
and due to media exposure,
500
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:32,023
you will have to be sequestered.
501
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:34,659
So go home, pack a bag,
502
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:35,860
do not e-mail me.
503
00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:37,929
The answer is yes.
504
00:16:37,931 --> 00:16:40,832
Your hotel does have a pool,
505
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:45,169
but is otherwise
aggressively mediocre.
506
00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:48,539
There, I banged the thing.
507
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:49,907
Yep.
508
00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:56,114
Okay.
509
00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,615
I need a stapler.
510
00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:59,384
You stay.
511
00:17:01,154 --> 00:17:02,220
Hey.
512
00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:03,621
Hey.
513
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,189
So here we are.
514
00:17:07,293 --> 00:17:08,826
All right, Nick,
I'll sign it.
515
00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,061
I don't want to
hurt Schmidt,
516
00:17:10,063 --> 00:17:11,662
and right now,
he's probably just
517
00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:13,197
crying his eyes
out at the...
518
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:14,499
BOTH:
Denim bar.
519
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:16,968
(crying)
520
00:17:16,970 --> 00:17:18,703
I really appreciate you keeping
521
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:21,239
the store open
for me late, Maurice.
522
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:22,974
That denim bar is like
his temple.
523
00:17:22,976 --> 00:17:25,476
He legitimately wants us
to get married there.
524
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:26,844
At a denim bar?
Yeah.
525
00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:28,646
Look, Schmidt and I
are not gonna work
526
00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:30,214
if you and I can't get along.
527
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:31,349
Because...
528
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:33,384
you're Schmidt's family.
529
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:34,552
In a way,
530
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:35,920
it's like we're engaged.
531
00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:36,988
You're not my type.
532
00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:39,690
I like them crazier and...
533
00:17:39,692 --> 00:17:41,426
and sexually very prude.
534
00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:43,261
Oh.
You just don't fit the bill.
535
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:45,196
Look, you don't have
to sign this thing.
536
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:47,265
It's stupid.
537
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:48,733
The last page is just
538
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,402
obscene drawings
of cartoon princesses.
539
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,037
I saw them;
you're very talented.
540
00:17:53,039 --> 00:17:54,572
Thanks. What they're doing
is disgusting,
541
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:56,074
but I think the drawings
are nice.
542
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:57,742
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
543
00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:00,745
Look, if I'm being honest,
544
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:04,115
yeah, I feel a little jealous.
545
00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:06,350
You know, Schmidt and I
used to hang out
546
00:18:06,352 --> 00:18:08,186
all the time,
and now we don't,
547
00:18:08,188 --> 00:18:09,720
and it's weird.
548
00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:12,523
I mean, to be honest,
I think I was a little...
549
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:13,691
jealous, too.
550
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:15,560
Of me?
In a way,
551
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:18,262
you're always gonna know him
a little bit better than me.
552
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:22,500
Except physically.
You'd be surprised.
553
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,571
Hey.
554
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:27,705
Schmidt, relax.
555
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,207
We're good.
Yeah.
556
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:32,443
We talked, and everything's okay.
Yeah.
557
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:33,978
Thank gosh. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
558
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,613
Hey, easy, all right. Okay.
Okay, there he is.
559
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:36,814
Everybody's...
560
00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:38,616
Whoa, mother,
I'm right here.
561
00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:40,952
Hey.
562
00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:43,054
Are you hugging them
563
00:18:43,056 --> 00:18:44,088
while they're making out?
564
00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:45,456
Yes, uh, that is weird.
565
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,258
Thank you for saying that.
Please let go of me.
566
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:49,026
I'm not interested in this.
Let go of me.
567
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:51,329
Did that wall fall down?
568
00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:52,763
Just please don't leave again.
569
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:55,366
Yeah, about that.
570
00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:59,270
Well... this is it.
571
00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:00,471
Since you won't be able
572
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:01,606
to contact me for a month,
573
00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:02,673
I've left a complementary bowl
574
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:05,009
of advice. For instance, um,
575
00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:07,578
"Nick, stop doing that."
576
00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:10,014
(chuckles)
Just applies to everything.
577
00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:11,415
That's what's up.
That's what's up.
578
00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:12,617
E'r'day, e'r'day.
579
00:19:12,619 --> 00:19:13,918
Nick, stop doing that.
580
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,153
NICK:
That's what's up.
581
00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:17,788
(sighs)
582
00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:19,423
It's gonna be a long month.
I'm gonna pace myself.
583
00:19:19,425 --> 00:19:20,491
I'm gonna miss you.
584
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,260
(laughs)
585
00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:23,761
Don't worry.
586
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:25,163
I'm gonna keep them
in line for you.
587
00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:26,664
No, you can't hit them.
588
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,099
Even if it's for
their benefit?
589
00:19:28,101 --> 00:19:30,101
Yeah.
Okay.
590
00:19:30,103 --> 00:19:31,502
I got you a little something.
591
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:33,271
It's just to trade with.
592
00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:34,939
There's currency in there.
I don't know.
593
00:19:34,941 --> 00:19:36,807
Oh, that's so sweet, Nick.
594
00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:39,877
Um, but you know I'm not going
to prison, right?
595
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:41,712
As long as you're free right
here, you're never in prison.
596
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:43,181
I bought you this burner
597
00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:44,182
from an unmarked storefront
in Koreatown.
598
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:45,983
I believe it's small enough
599
00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:47,385
to conceal in the waistband
of your underpants.
600
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:48,719
Oh, thank you, but...
601
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,054
It's four walls.
They can't hold you, though.
602
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:51,656
Make friends with big ladies.
603
00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:52,690
Keep your head up.
604
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,192
(chuckles) Okay.
605
00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:56,194
Make sure to put, uh, toilet
tissue down on the toilet seat.
606
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:57,662
Never sleep.
Thanks.
607
00:19:57,664 --> 00:19:59,630
Make your toothbrush into a shiv.
Everything's a weapon.
608
00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:02,633
See, hate put you in there,
but love gonna bust you out.
609
00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:04,635
Don't be afraid to put two
layers of toilet tissue down.
610
00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:18,583
(laughter)
SCHMIDT: Let's do it.
611
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:20,718
Let's get into this
and see what sage wisdom
612
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,186
Jess has for us.
613
00:20:22,188 --> 00:20:23,254
"No biting."
614
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:24,255
That's a reminder for me.
615
00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:25,256
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
616
00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:27,325
Ew, "No more poop pranks"?
617
00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:28,826
Oh, yeah, those get
out of hand quickly.
618
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:30,561
That was a
disgusting February.
619
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:33,531
"If the shish kebob falls
before I come back, Nick wins.
620
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:35,566
If it falls after,
Schmidt wins"?
621
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:36,934
Hi-ya!
Is that... Oh.
622
00:20:36,936 --> 00:20:38,536
(laughter)
623
00:20:38,538 --> 00:20:40,504
Check it out, shish kebob.
Check it out, yeah.
624
00:20:40,506 --> 00:20:42,173
That's super gross.
625
00:20:42,175 --> 00:20:44,675
"Schmidt's allowed to request
that you do his back
626
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:46,577
with sunscreen once a week."
627
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,679
Actually, can someone
do that now?
628
00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:50,014
It's nighttime.
629
00:20:50,016 --> 00:20:51,382
"Boys' shorts should at most
630
00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:53,918
rise six inches
above the knee."
631
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,786
Yeah, but where does the knee begin?
Right... here.
632
00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:57,922
You know, she never specifies
where the knee should begin.
633
00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:59,123
That's your knee, okay?
634
00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:00,558
This is the knee? Yes. Yes.
635
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,693
"Stop harassing Beck."
Absolutely not.
636
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:03,894
He cut you off
on the freeway.
637
00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:05,129
That's for you?
Yeah.
638
00:21:05,131 --> 00:21:06,931
CECE:
Yeah, makes sense.
639
00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:08,866
"Tell Schmidt not to sing 'Rent'
in the shower.
640
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:10,301
We're in a drought."
641
00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:14,071
? Five thousand, 2,500,
600 minutes ?
642
00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:16,307
Okay.
WINSTON: Those aren't the words.
643
00:21:16,309 --> 00:21:17,642
"Stop reading this
644
00:21:17,644 --> 00:21:19,944
within the first three hours
of my absence."
645
00:21:19,946 --> 00:21:21,912
Whoa.
Holy mackerel.
646
00:21:21,914 --> 00:21:23,347
How did she know?
647
00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:26,317
"Because I know everything."
648
00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:29,754
That's super scary, right?
Is she still here?
649
00:21:29,756 --> 00:21:31,222
(laughs)
I'm just messing with you.
650
00:21:31,224 --> 00:21:32,390
It says "Smile more."
651
00:21:32,392 --> 00:21:33,591
Oh, that's nice.
652
00:21:33,593 --> 00:21:35,993
Oh, damn it!
Oh, yes! Yes!
653
00:21:35,995 --> 00:21:38,996
(laughs)
You're my slave for 17 days!