1
00:00:19,893 --> 00:00:22,061
(quietly): Hey, what took you so long?
Come on in.
2
00:00:22,062 --> 00:00:24,546
Hey. No, no. Why are we having
a secret meeting in an empty loft?
3
00:00:24,547 --> 00:00:26,565
Because I don't want Schmidt
to find us.
4
00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:28,467
- (shudders) It's creepy, right?
- I know, right?
5
00:00:28,468 --> 00:00:31,015
- Yeah, it is.
- This place gives me the willies, man.
6
00:00:31,016 --> 00:00:33,198
Do you know why they can't keep
a tenant in here?
7
00:00:33,219 --> 00:00:35,720
- Why?
- Because Mrs. Beverly died on the toilet.
8
00:00:35,721 --> 00:00:37,523
And to come here
on Halloween...?
9
00:00:37,556 --> 00:00:39,771
- Seems risky.
- What's risky?
10
00:00:39,772 --> 00:00:41,013
The ghost situation.
11
00:00:41,026 --> 00:00:43,337
I brought you guys in here
to talk about Schmidt.
12
00:00:43,338 --> 00:00:45,062
I'm really worried about him.
13
00:00:45,063 --> 00:00:46,798
He hasn't been to work
for three days.
14
00:00:46,832 --> 00:00:48,800
He just sits on the couch
eating cold cuts
15
00:00:48,834 --> 00:00:51,159
and yelling at the news
about how nothing matters.
16
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:52,376
- It's a problem.
- Right.
17
00:00:52,377 --> 00:00:53,765
Be honest,
it's a real problem.
18
00:00:53,766 --> 00:00:55,414
He's just going through
a whole thing, you know?
19
00:00:55,415 --> 00:00:57,549
The Cece-Elizabeth breakup
has gotten to him.
20
00:00:57,550 --> 00:00:59,852
Right now
he is completely unhinged.
21
00:01:00,332 --> 00:01:02,537
- Y'all feel that?
- What is going on?
22
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,753
Not saying there's a ghost, but I felt
a weird breeze go through my body,
23
00:01:04,754 --> 00:01:06,622
- that's all I'm saying.
- JESS: There's no ghost.
24
00:01:06,623 --> 00:01:08,790
Guys, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but...
25
00:01:08,830 --> 00:01:10,731
I miss the old Schmidt.
26
00:01:10,732 --> 00:01:12,784
I want him to be happy again.
27
00:01:12,785 --> 00:01:15,357
He's crumbling
before our very eyes.
28
00:01:15,361 --> 00:01:17,437
And I'm having a party tonight,
29
00:01:17,438 --> 00:01:19,506
and I just can't have him
lying on the couch,
30
00:01:19,507 --> 00:01:21,809
wiping his tears with deli meat.
31
00:01:21,810 --> 00:01:24,550
- I'll talk to him, okay?
- Thank you.
32
00:01:24,551 --> 00:01:28,219
People get weird with breakups.
Trust me, I got this.
33
00:01:28,220 --> 00:01:30,569
- (gruff voice): You got this.
- JESS: That was Winston.
34
00:01:30,570 --> 00:01:32,471
- Was that you or was that in here, dude?
- That was...
35
00:01:32,472 --> 00:01:33,932
Don't do that!
36
00:01:33,933 --> 00:01:35,133
(chuckles)
37
00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:38,714
Oh, come on, Obama.
38
00:01:38,749 --> 00:01:41,083
Tanks pull in, tanks pull out.
39
00:01:41,118 --> 00:01:44,654
Babies are born,
old people die.
40
00:01:44,688 --> 00:01:47,990
And yet the world keeps spinning
and spinning and spinning,
41
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,725
and one day, it stops.
42
00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,394
And then what?
43
00:01:51,428 --> 00:01:54,530
You want... you want to talk
about... health care?
44
00:01:57,181 --> 00:01:58,414
That's mayo, buddy.
45
00:01:58,415 --> 00:02:01,037
(Nick, Jess and Winston groan)
46
00:02:01,071 --> 00:02:03,039
(whispers):
Yeah, I don't got this.
47
00:02:03,073 --> 00:02:05,441
(grunts)
48
00:02:05,476 --> 00:02:07,677
♪ Who's that girl?
49
00:02:07,711 --> 00:02:10,079
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess.
50
00:02:10,104 --> 00:02:12,889
Season 3, Episode 6
"Keaton"
51
00:02:12,914 --> 00:02:15,914
Sync & corrections: Reef
www.addic7ed.com
52
00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:18,221
- ♪ Pumpkining...
- You're really good at that.
53
00:02:18,255 --> 00:02:20,890
Thanks, man. Yeah. What
are you carving there?
54
00:02:20,924 --> 00:02:22,925
- It's a pumpkin.
- Oh, look at that. That's beautiful.
55
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,394
- My pumpkin!
- Pumpkin doesn't matter.
56
00:02:25,429 --> 00:02:28,431
Hey. I just wanted
to talk to you, um...
57
00:02:28,465 --> 00:02:32,268
- About my party tonight.
- You don't want me to come to the party?
58
00:02:32,302 --> 00:02:34,654
No, no, no, no, no, no.
59
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,712
Jess, do you not want me
to come to your party?
60
00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:38,442
- No. I... No.
- Doesn't matter.
61
00:02:38,468 --> 00:02:41,811
I wouldn't go if I weren't
throwing it, you know?
62
00:02:41,812 --> 00:02:43,880
It's, like, more
of a business-networking...
63
00:02:43,881 --> 00:02:46,182
It's not a big deal at all.
I just won't come.
64
00:02:46,216 --> 00:02:48,729
I'll stay at home, and...
I'll just hang out in my costume.
65
00:02:48,730 --> 00:02:50,776
Oh, wait a minute.
66
00:02:50,821 --> 00:02:53,155
Your home is my home.
67
00:02:57,630 --> 00:02:59,228
See you at the party.
(door shuts)
68
00:02:59,263 --> 00:03:01,797
- What the hell?
- He's a total maniac.
69
00:03:01,832 --> 00:03:04,800
Well, you know what, Jess?
He doesn't get like this often.
70
00:03:04,835 --> 00:03:08,971
But when he does,
oh, there is an option.
71
00:03:09,006 --> 00:03:11,507
WINSTON: Nick, I think
it's time for Schmidt
72
00:03:11,542 --> 00:03:13,751
- to get a letter from an old friend.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
73
00:03:13,752 --> 00:03:15,434
- What old friend?
- Forget you heard anything.
74
00:03:15,435 --> 00:03:16,718
- What old friend?
- Nothing, J...
75
00:03:16,719 --> 00:03:18,083
- We need him, Nick.
- No, we don't.
76
00:03:18,108 --> 00:03:19,432
- We got to bring him back.
- Bring who back?
77
00:03:19,458 --> 00:03:21,911
- Winston, don't do this!
- Guys, does nobody listen to me?!
78
00:03:21,912 --> 00:03:23,231
- ...without him!
- Who is he?
79
00:03:23,487 --> 00:03:25,988
- Michael Keaton.
- You stupid...
80
00:03:25,989 --> 00:03:29,091
Michael Keaton, the actor?
The Batman?
81
00:03:29,092 --> 00:03:30,990
Nick, are you gonna tell her,
or should I?
82
00:03:30,991 --> 00:03:33,665
- I'm not telling her.
- Fine. I'll do it.
83
00:03:33,666 --> 00:03:36,234
- You will?
- When Schmidt was seven years old...
84
00:03:36,261 --> 00:03:39,743
(groans) You're a terrible storyteller.
I'll just do it myself, I guess.
85
00:03:42,005 --> 00:03:44,440
When Schmidt
was seven years old,
86
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,442
his daddy divorced
his mommy...
87
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:50,112
And Schmidt was left
without the love of a father.
88
00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:52,315
(crying)
He didn't take it well.
89
00:03:52,349 --> 00:03:55,210
He began an endless cycle
of crying and chocolate.
90
00:03:55,211 --> 00:03:59,555
Mrs. Schmidt tried everything
to cheer him up, but nothing worked.
91
00:03:59,590 --> 00:04:03,526
Desperate, she looked to the stars.
Movie stars.
92
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:08,064
Mrs. Schmidt wrote that little fat loser
a letter of support from the star
93
00:04:08,098 --> 00:04:10,200
of his favorite movie,
Batman.
94
00:04:10,201 --> 00:04:13,836
But not the confusing new one.
The good one, with Michael Keaton.
95
00:04:15,272 --> 00:04:19,375
And when Schmidt got his disgusting
chubby hands on Keaton's letter,
96
00:04:19,376 --> 00:04:21,064
his life changed forever.
97
00:04:21,065 --> 00:04:22,270
Yes!
98
00:04:22,271 --> 00:04:24,205
But the real trouble
was just beginning.
99
00:04:24,206 --> 00:04:27,608
You see, Schmidt wrote back.
And he kept writing back
100
00:04:27,609 --> 00:04:31,496
about any problem he faced:
bullies, schoolwork,
101
00:04:31,497 --> 00:04:33,289
public erections.
102
00:04:33,323 --> 00:04:36,802
And for every letter he sent,
Michael Keaton sent one back.
103
00:04:36,817 --> 00:04:38,932
JESS:
Was Winston's version shorter?
104
00:04:38,933 --> 00:04:41,679
NICK: Then one day, that tubby
goon went off to college.
105
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:42,898
Whoa.
106
00:04:42,933 --> 00:04:46,137
So Mrs. Schmidt unloaded
the secret on her son's only friend,
107
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,571
a man named me.
It was me.
108
00:04:48,605 --> 00:04:50,406
- JESS: Yeah, I got that.
- NICK: Really? People don't...
109
00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,375
JESS:
No, I got it.
110
00:04:52,409 --> 00:04:55,695
NICK: College proved tough for Schmidt,
and old patterns soon returned.
111
00:04:55,696 --> 00:04:57,113
(crying)
112
00:04:57,147 --> 00:05:00,983
It became impossible to study,
and I knew what I had to do.
113
00:05:01,018 --> 00:05:02,284
And again...
114
00:05:02,319 --> 00:05:04,086
- New message.
- ...It worked.
115
00:05:04,121 --> 00:05:07,912
With Keaton in his corner, he pulled
himself away from that bag of turkey
116
00:05:07,913 --> 00:05:09,692
- ...and became a man.
- One...
117
00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:13,129
He lost five pounds,
gained confidence with women...
118
00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:17,299
...and he saw the hit movie
Multiplicity...
119
00:05:17,334 --> 00:05:19,621
- 25 times.
- Oh, my God.
120
00:05:19,622 --> 00:05:21,523
You've been cat fishing Schmidt.
121
00:05:21,524 --> 00:05:23,606
Do you think we could use
this whole Michael Keaton thing
122
00:05:23,607 --> 00:05:25,441
- ...to turn Schmidt around?
- Absolutely.
123
00:05:25,442 --> 00:05:27,152
- Great!
- But I won't do it.
124
00:05:27,178 --> 00:05:29,445
- Why not?
- Because I put it to bed, okay?
125
00:05:29,479 --> 00:05:32,148
It's over. He'll do
anything Keaton says.
126
00:05:32,182 --> 00:05:33,780
The letters are
too powerful.
127
00:05:33,781 --> 00:05:35,781
I'm lying to my best friend.
128
00:05:35,819 --> 00:05:38,975
And I also feel like I'm betraying
the real Keaton, who I really love.
129
00:05:38,976 --> 00:05:41,412
Well, then why did you tell me
that whole story, Nick?
130
00:05:41,413 --> 00:05:43,891
Because it's a great story,
and I'm a teller of stories.
131
00:05:43,892 --> 00:05:46,062
But I won't do it. Sorry.
132
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,897
You think you tell that story
better than me?
133
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,732
Look, you leave out
way too many details, man.
134
00:05:49,733 --> 00:05:51,830
You don't just say
he was chewing a candy bar.
135
00:05:51,831 --> 00:05:54,589
You say he was chewing
on a nougat-y candy bar.
136
00:05:54,590 --> 00:05:57,823
NICK: That's not the kind of writer I am.
I don't say words like "nougat-y."
137
00:05:57,824 --> 00:06:00,147
I'm simple.
I'm like Hemingway.
138
00:06:11,215 --> 00:06:14,517
- Hey, Cece.
- Oh, hey.
139
00:06:14,518 --> 00:06:16,652
I came to find out if you're
coming to my party today.
140
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,054
You never answered my e-mail.
141
00:06:18,088 --> 00:06:20,490
Yeah, I meant to, uh...
to tell you I can't make it.
142
00:06:20,524 --> 00:06:22,158
Sorry. Um...
143
00:06:22,193 --> 00:06:25,728
I've been going out drinking a lot lately.
It's kind of wiping me out.
144
00:06:28,102 --> 00:06:29,933
Please come to my party, Cece.
145
00:06:29,967 --> 00:06:31,768
It's Schmidt, you know?
146
00:06:31,802 --> 00:06:34,003
- I don't think I'm ready for that, so...
- Yeah.
147
00:06:34,038 --> 00:06:37,421
What if I could promise you
Schmidt wouldn't be there?
148
00:06:43,929 --> 00:06:45,181
Who wants candy?
149
00:06:45,216 --> 00:06:46,883
- Did you go trick-or-treating?
- No.
150
00:06:46,917 --> 00:06:50,976
I was out, I had my errand tote, and
a couple of neighbors gave me candy.
151
00:06:50,977 --> 00:06:52,241
Is that trick-or-treating?
152
00:06:52,242 --> 00:06:54,090
Yes, that's the definition
of trick-or-treating, Jess.
153
00:06:54,124 --> 00:06:56,926
Hello! Uh, Jess, I'd like you to
know that I've changed my mind,
154
00:06:56,961 --> 00:06:59,028
and I won't be coming
to your party tonight.
155
00:06:59,063 --> 00:07:03,154
I've been e-mailing with an old friend
of mine, and he made me realize
156
00:07:03,155 --> 00:07:05,435
- ...that I should give Cece her space.
- An old friend, huh?
157
00:07:05,436 --> 00:07:08,171
Well, Nick knows. You know,
I don't like to throw his name around
158
00:07:08,172 --> 00:07:10,564
because I don't like people
treating me any differently, but...
159
00:07:10,590 --> 00:07:11,920
It's Michael Keaton.
160
00:07:11,921 --> 00:07:14,143
What?! (laughs)
161
00:07:14,178 --> 00:07:16,813
Uh, okay. Calm down.
162
00:07:16,847 --> 00:07:19,825
The actor?!
(chuckling)
163
00:07:19,872 --> 00:07:21,718
Seriously, you guys.
Don't treat me any different.
164
00:07:21,752 --> 00:07:23,371
He's kind of my friend.
Michael Keaton.
165
00:07:23,372 --> 00:07:25,588
There was one time he e-mailed me.
He said he was my best friend.
166
00:07:25,623 --> 00:07:27,890
Anyway, we have so much
catching up to do,
167
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:29,896
me and Michael,
so just enjoy the night.
168
00:07:29,897 --> 00:07:32,232
That's crazy, Schmidt.
Ah, man.
169
00:07:33,163 --> 00:07:35,932
- (quietly): What did you do?
- Jessica Damn Day.
170
00:07:35,966 --> 00:07:37,934
I just got Schmidt
to not come to the party.
171
00:07:37,968 --> 00:07:40,336
Keaton hasn't written Schmidt
in three years.
172
00:07:40,371 --> 00:07:43,195
We have no idea
how Schmidt is gonna react.
173
00:07:43,203 --> 00:07:44,641
If Schmidt finds out
Keaton isn't real,
174
00:07:44,675 --> 00:07:46,943
it'll destroy the entire life
he has built around him.
175
00:07:46,977 --> 00:07:49,178
We are talking
about a Truman Show situation.
176
00:07:49,213 --> 00:07:51,941
Oh, yeah, I love that movie.
What part are you talking about?
177
00:07:51,949 --> 00:07:54,083
Well, I'm talking
about the part in the movie
178
00:07:54,118 --> 00:07:56,819
when Truman realizes
that his whole life is a lie,
179
00:07:56,854 --> 00:07:58,421
and then he goes crazy.
180
00:07:58,455 --> 00:08:01,090
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right there
in the middle of the movie.
181
00:08:01,125 --> 00:08:02,925
No, it's the whole movie.
182
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,594
Oh, yeah, I know, I was just...
'cause there's the one...
183
00:08:04,595 --> 00:08:06,032
- There's like a scene.
- You haven't seen it.
184
00:08:06,047 --> 00:08:09,666
He didn't see the movie.
Okay, guys, he almost found out once.
185
00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:11,534
Now, luckily, I handled it.
186
00:08:11,568 --> 00:08:13,269
I don't understand.
187
00:08:13,304 --> 00:08:17,540
In 1995, he told me specifically
that he had never been to Nicaragua.
188
00:08:17,541 --> 00:08:19,771
It doesn't make any sense.
Aah!
189
00:08:19,772 --> 00:08:21,751
You have no idea
what you've done.
190
00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:25,950
Hey, uh, you guys, do you think that
it's too early to e-mail Michael back?
191
00:08:25,951 --> 00:08:27,287
Should I send
him an e-card?
192
00:08:27,288 --> 00:08:29,619
Does that change anything,
or does that change everything?
193
00:08:29,653 --> 00:08:30,961
- I think you're overthinking it.
- You know what?
194
00:08:30,962 --> 00:08:32,288
- You're right. You're right.
- Be cool.
195
00:08:32,323 --> 00:08:34,691
I think I'm way too up here,
all upstairs.
196
00:08:34,725 --> 00:08:36,679
Got to bring it
down... here to here.
197
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,728
Not any lower, though.
It's not like that.
198
00:08:38,762 --> 00:08:41,297
- I know it's not.
- Bro, it's not like that.
199
00:08:41,332 --> 00:08:42,899
- No one thinks it is, bro.
- Cool.
200
00:08:42,933 --> 00:08:44,667
(chuckling):
All right.
201
00:08:44,702 --> 00:08:46,135
He's already getting weird.
202
00:08:46,170 --> 00:08:47,736
- Here.
- No, Je...
203
00:08:48,725 --> 00:08:51,007
You... come to the master.
204
00:08:51,041 --> 00:08:52,975
(typing)
What are you writing?
205
00:08:53,010 --> 00:08:54,844
(laptop plays whooshing tone)
206
00:08:54,878 --> 00:08:57,814
I fixed it again.
You're welcome again.
207
00:08:57,848 --> 00:08:59,816
So you just wrote from Keaton,
208
00:08:59,850 --> 00:09:01,851
"I'm going on vacation"?
209
00:09:01,885 --> 00:09:04,354
(electronic chiming)
He would never write that, Jess.
210
00:09:04,388 --> 00:09:06,089
- Why not?
- SCHMIDT: Vacation?!
211
00:09:06,123 --> 00:09:08,972
Oh, Michael, you...
stop going away.
212
00:09:09,727 --> 00:09:11,562
NICK: I knew this
would happen.
213
00:09:13,297 --> 00:09:15,732
- Hey, Schmidt.
- Schmidty.
214
00:09:15,766 --> 00:09:17,600
He left me again.
215
00:09:17,634 --> 00:09:19,902
It makes sense.
216
00:09:19,937 --> 00:09:23,005
Why would a guy like Michael Keaton
be friends with me anyway?
217
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,375
I'm sure he likes you
a lot, Schmidt.
218
00:09:25,409 --> 00:09:26,749
Why would he?
219
00:09:26,750 --> 00:09:31,247
I guess I'll just always be the fat boy
who eats fat-boy cheese.
220
00:09:36,954 --> 00:09:38,955
(Schmidt whimpering)
221
00:09:40,491 --> 00:09:42,410
I didn't want
to have to do this.
222
00:09:44,294 --> 00:09:46,817
JESS: Oh, is that
really necessary, Nick?
223
00:09:46,818 --> 00:09:48,311
- Shh.
- What?
224
00:09:48,312 --> 00:09:50,933
Let him work. I'm kind
of like his Robin.
225
00:09:50,968 --> 00:09:53,069
- You're not like my Robin.
- You want to be Robin?
226
00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:54,869
He doesn't have
all the responsibilities of Batman,
227
00:09:54,870 --> 00:09:56,239
but he can take
some of the glory.
228
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,846
- Robin's a joke.
- Robin's the joke.
229
00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:59,149
I think we can all agree.
230
00:09:59,150 --> 00:10:01,210
The kids look up to him,
you know, in the community.
231
00:10:01,245 --> 00:10:03,591
I haven't been inside
Keaton's mind in a long time,
232
00:10:03,592 --> 00:10:05,815
and I need
my proper inspiration.
233
00:10:05,849 --> 00:10:07,235
Thank you.
234
00:10:07,918 --> 00:10:09,419
Why do you have
a picture of a bear?
235
00:10:09,453 --> 00:10:13,081
The great Michael Keaton
attacks each new role
236
00:10:13,082 --> 00:10:16,092
with the ferocity of
a hungry brown bear.
237
00:10:16,126 --> 00:10:20,857
It is his entire acting philosophy,
which I totally made up.
238
00:10:20,858 --> 00:10:22,462
I sleep with this person.
239
00:10:22,463 --> 00:10:24,097
Speak to me, Keaton.
240
00:10:25,803 --> 00:10:27,103
Mmm.
241
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:29,102
Here we go.
242
00:10:29,103 --> 00:10:31,240
(typing)
243
00:10:31,275 --> 00:10:33,409
(whoosh)
244
00:10:33,444 --> 00:10:35,478
Oh, hey, Nick,
that's incredible.
245
00:10:35,512 --> 00:10:39,415
"Courage is not the absence of fear,
but the triumph over it"?
246
00:10:39,450 --> 00:10:41,818
Yes, I stole that
from Nelson Mandela.
247
00:10:41,852 --> 00:10:44,086
I added the part about
the Penguin and the Riddler.
248
00:10:44,121 --> 00:10:46,122
(phone chimes)
249
00:10:47,073 --> 00:10:48,363
Oh. All right.
250
00:10:48,364 --> 00:10:50,526
(whooshing tone)
(laptop chimes)
251
00:10:50,561 --> 00:10:52,248
Is that him?
Did it work?
252
00:10:52,963 --> 00:10:55,131
He wrote back smiley face.
253
00:10:55,165 --> 00:10:58,434
- He wrote back smiley face.
- He wrote back smiley face.
254
00:10:58,469 --> 00:11:00,470
(knocking)
255
00:11:02,039 --> 00:11:05,374
- ALL: Trick or treat!
- Oh, how adorable.
256
00:11:05,409 --> 00:11:08,344
You know, I just got a treat, too.
It's not candy; I'm not a...
257
00:11:08,378 --> 00:11:10,446
Not a dumb little baby
like all of you.
258
00:11:10,481 --> 00:11:13,609
"Happy Hallow's Eve."
(chuckles)
259
00:11:13,610 --> 00:11:15,351
And send.
(whooshes)
260
00:11:15,385 --> 00:11:16,819
(electronic chime in distance)
261
00:11:16,854 --> 00:11:20,490
- Just give us our candy.
- Hush, little boy.
262
00:11:21,892 --> 00:11:22,925
(whooshes)
263
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,594
(electronic chime)
264
00:11:24,628 --> 00:11:26,796
(whooshes)
265
00:11:26,830 --> 00:11:29,198
(electronic chime)
He wrote back.
266
00:11:29,233 --> 00:11:30,967
- "Hi."
- Okay, I got this.
267
00:11:31,001 --> 00:11:33,236
"Speak to me, old chum.
268
00:11:33,270 --> 00:11:36,038
"I canceled my trip to provide
earthquake relief.
269
00:11:36,073 --> 00:11:37,925
This seemed more important."
Boom.
270
00:11:37,926 --> 00:11:39,308
- JESS: That's so good.
- NICK: Yeah, it's pretty good.
271
00:11:39,343 --> 00:11:40,877
JESS: You really have
the Keaton voice down.
272
00:11:40,911 --> 00:11:42,979
NICK: "You're a
friend for life."
273
00:11:43,013 --> 00:11:44,846
- JESS: That's good.
- NICK: "M.K."
274
00:11:44,847 --> 00:11:47,689
- I think that's good.
- I think that's really good, actually.
275
00:11:50,587 --> 00:11:52,817
Hi. Welcome. Happy Halloween.
276
00:11:52,818 --> 00:11:54,619
Drinks are over there.
277
00:11:54,653 --> 00:11:56,754
- Hey.
- Hi.
278
00:11:57,656 --> 00:12:01,059
- What are you supposed to be?
- I'm Joey Ramona Quimby.
279
00:12:01,093 --> 00:12:02,540
I don't get it.
280
00:12:02,541 --> 00:12:06,504
Joey Ramone... a Quimby.
281
00:12:06,505 --> 00:12:08,439
(laughs)
282
00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:11,858
What are you? You look like
you're just wearing trash from your car.
283
00:12:11,859 --> 00:12:15,461
No, I'm not. I'm the Paper
Mountain Trash King...
284
00:12:15,465 --> 00:12:17,204
I just got trash
from my car.
285
00:12:17,205 --> 00:12:20,793
And now the man who once played center
for the New York Knicks in the nude,
286
00:12:20,794 --> 00:12:22,981
David Letterman!
287
00:12:22,982 --> 00:12:25,497
- That is a terrible Letterman.
- Really?
288
00:12:25,498 --> 00:12:27,316
People at work tell me
I look just like Dave.
289
00:12:27,351 --> 00:12:29,387
You look
just like Letterman.
290
00:12:29,388 --> 00:12:31,503
You know, I have
always thought that.
291
00:12:31,989 --> 00:12:35,424
What, uh, what... uh, Nick, Nick Miller.
So you a, uh...?
292
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:37,459
You're a...
293
00:12:37,460 --> 00:12:39,462
(giggling)
294
00:12:39,496 --> 00:12:40,963
- What is that?
- That's, that's his laugh.
295
00:12:40,998 --> 00:12:43,330
- He's never done that.
- That's his laugh. (both laugh)
296
00:12:43,331 --> 00:12:45,432
SCHMIDT:
Do you like my costume?
297
00:12:46,904 --> 00:12:49,472
I'm a public serpent.
298
00:12:49,506 --> 00:12:51,174
Um, I thought
you weren't coming.
299
00:12:51,208 --> 00:12:52,829
Oh, I changed my mind.
300
00:12:52,978 --> 00:12:55,578
You know, I reread a few
of Keaton's e-mails.
301
00:12:55,612 --> 00:12:57,258
He can be quite cryptic.
302
00:12:57,266 --> 00:12:58,881
I think what he meant
when he said
303
00:12:58,916 --> 00:13:02,788
that life was meaningful was really,
"Go to the party."
304
00:13:02,789 --> 00:13:05,918
- I'm pretty sure he didn't mean that.
- I know Keaton best.
305
00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:08,658
Hey, Winston, by the way,
great costume.
306
00:13:08,692 --> 00:13:10,245
Maya Angelou.
307
00:13:11,195 --> 00:13:13,830
Crap. What am I gonna do?
Cece's on her way.
308
00:13:13,864 --> 00:13:16,343
Schmidt is
rereading e-mails.
309
00:13:16,344 --> 00:13:20,236
Do you know what happens after rereading?
Figuring it out. It's The Truman Show.
310
00:13:20,270 --> 00:13:21,904
Truman Show, man,
I love that movie.
311
00:13:21,939 --> 00:13:23,773
I'm not convinced
you've ever seen it.
312
00:13:23,774 --> 00:13:25,541
I have; it's about
the Civil War.
313
00:13:25,576 --> 00:13:28,474
- Batcave?
- Go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go.
314
00:13:30,714 --> 00:13:33,483
- Winston, go to Cece's and stall.
- Okay, fine.
315
00:13:33,484 --> 00:13:36,456
But I got to hit the little King of the
Late Night Talk Show's room first.
316
00:13:36,463 --> 00:13:38,855
Maybe slow down on that.
You're not great with booze.
317
00:13:38,889 --> 00:13:40,523
- Hey, I got it, I got it.
- You got it? Good.
318
00:13:40,557 --> 00:13:43,509
Um, "You're in grave danger.
Leave where you are immediately."
319
00:13:43,510 --> 00:13:44,781
- Send. Okay.
- Don't! (whooshes)
320
00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:45,903
- You just sent that?
- Yeah.
321
00:13:45,904 --> 00:13:48,345
A team has to talk about a decision
before you hit send.
322
00:13:48,346 --> 00:13:49,932
JESS: Sorry. I thought it
was a really good move.
323
00:13:49,967 --> 00:13:52,034
- Trick or treat.
- Shh.
324
00:13:52,069 --> 00:13:54,270
NICK: All right,
you got to fix this.
325
00:13:54,304 --> 00:13:57,108
I'll meet you at your
building in 30 minutes.
326
00:13:57,109 --> 00:13:58,509
Terrible!
Send.
327
00:13:58,510 --> 00:14:00,078
- No!
- What?
328
00:14:00,112 --> 00:14:01,531
Now what are we gonna do?
329
00:14:01,532 --> 00:14:03,317
- You told him Keaton was coming here?
- No, Nick.
330
00:14:03,318 --> 00:14:05,817
- Are you out of your mind?
- It's a stall! It's a stall...
331
00:14:05,851 --> 00:14:08,519
Until we can come up with a better plan.
(knocking)
332
00:14:08,554 --> 00:14:10,755
- Well, who the hell is that?
- I don't know.
333
00:14:10,789 --> 00:14:12,957
KIDS:
Trick or treat!
334
00:14:14,030 --> 00:14:15,584
You.
335
00:14:17,796 --> 00:14:20,898
I don't get what you're doing!
Are you drunk?
336
00:14:21,835 --> 00:14:23,502
A little.
337
00:14:23,503 --> 00:14:26,345
- What's your endgame here?
- It's Halloween night.
338
00:14:26,346 --> 00:14:29,734
This is the night when anyone
can dress up in a costume
339
00:14:29,735 --> 00:14:31,732
and be anybody
that... they want.
340
00:14:31,733 --> 00:14:34,798
Would you listen to your
woman voice for one second?
341
00:14:34,799 --> 00:14:37,815
Oh, you think I'm gonna talk to him in
a woman voice when I'm talking to him?
342
00:14:37,850 --> 00:14:39,651
No, I have a character.
343
00:14:39,685 --> 00:14:42,004
You're doing a character?
Well, I'd love to hear it.
344
00:14:43,088 --> 00:14:44,789
I'm the Batman.
345
00:14:44,823 --> 00:14:46,958
- (laughing): Oh.
- Right...?
346
00:14:46,992 --> 00:14:49,594
So good. What, am I in the
movie theater, eating popcorn?
347
00:14:51,532 --> 00:14:53,568
Jess, you're
also five, four.
348
00:14:53,569 --> 00:14:56,371
Keep going further away. The further
you're away, the bigger you look.
349
00:14:56,372 --> 00:14:58,248
- I would say run a little bit.
- SCHMIDT: Nick!
350
00:14:58,249 --> 00:15:00,284
Jess, go!
Go...
351
00:15:00,285 --> 00:15:01,980
- Hey. Uh, Nick.
- Hey.
352
00:15:01,981 --> 00:15:04,949
By chance, have you seen
anyone famous in the vicinity?
353
00:15:04,950 --> 00:15:07,952
This vicinity?
Famous? Like, um...
354
00:15:07,982 --> 00:15:10,930
- Look that way.
- What?
355
00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:17,040
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, it's unbelievable.
356
00:15:19,312 --> 00:15:21,013
- Well, it's my hero.
- Yeah.
357
00:15:21,047 --> 00:15:24,516
- SCHMIDT: That is Michael Keaton.
- Right there.
358
00:15:24,551 --> 00:15:28,850
SCHMIDT: Why is he wearing his costume
from the movie he did 24 years ago?
359
00:15:28,851 --> 00:15:31,657
NICK: If he wore the outfit from Clean
and Sober, you wouldn't recognize him.
360
00:15:31,691 --> 00:15:34,851
- I'm the Batman.
- It's Halloween. Don't overthink it.
361
00:15:34,852 --> 00:15:36,687
Well, you saw him. There he is.
Let's get out of here.
362
00:15:36,721 --> 00:15:38,088
I have to meet him, Nick.
I have to.
363
00:15:38,122 --> 00:15:39,195
No, you don't have to
meet him. No, no, no...
364
00:15:39,196 --> 00:15:41,467
You're a great kid, Sch...
You're a great kid, Schmidt.
365
00:15:41,468 --> 00:15:43,736
No. Let me take you out to eat.
I want to buy you something
366
00:15:43,737 --> 00:15:45,705
- 'cause you met your hero.
- Go to an all-night diner.
367
00:15:45,706 --> 00:15:47,774
- No, I have to meet... Got to meet him.
- He's got to...
368
00:15:47,775 --> 00:15:49,708
- It's Michael Keaton!
- Go get a blintz or two!
369
00:15:49,709 --> 00:15:50,809
Aah!
370
00:15:50,844 --> 00:15:54,480
- Michael! It's me Schmidt.
- See you later, Michael! Take off!
371
00:15:54,514 --> 00:15:55,881
We have so much
to talk about.
372
00:15:55,915 --> 00:15:57,966
Our heroes are never
who we want them to be!
373
00:15:57,967 --> 00:15:59,267
Oh.
374
00:16:00,836 --> 00:16:03,045
Oh. You met him.
375
00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:04,490
It's Keaton.
376
00:16:04,491 --> 00:16:06,430
Come on, you
guys. I know.
377
00:16:07,060 --> 00:16:09,606
I've known the whole time.
What, do you think I'm stupid?
378
00:16:09,777 --> 00:16:11,344
No. It just... I...
379
00:16:11,378 --> 00:16:13,480
Just don't really know
what to say in this situation.
380
00:16:13,482 --> 00:16:15,304
Look, please don't blame Nick.
It's not his fault.
381
00:16:15,305 --> 00:16:17,663
You should be ashamed
of yourselves.
382
00:16:17,664 --> 00:16:20,414
How dare you hack into
the private e-mail account
383
00:16:20,415 --> 00:16:23,251
of one of our nation's
finest actors!
384
00:16:24,894 --> 00:16:27,095
I'm gonna have to tell
Michael about this.
385
00:16:27,096 --> 00:16:29,270
No! No!
386
00:16:29,271 --> 00:16:32,349
- No, don't tell Michael!
- Jess, please stop.
387
00:16:33,249 --> 00:16:36,031
Thank you for what you're trying
to do, but it's over.
388
00:16:36,146 --> 00:16:38,039
It has to be over.
389
00:16:39,012 --> 00:16:42,748
Schmidt, I'm Michael Keaton.
390
00:16:43,940 --> 00:16:48,711
I'm the owner of the e-mail
address KeatonPotatoes@aol.com.
391
00:16:48,745 --> 00:16:51,480
What?
392
00:16:51,515 --> 00:16:54,877
It was me...
The whole time.
393
00:16:54,903 --> 00:16:56,288
No...
394
00:16:56,304 --> 00:16:57,953
- No, you can't...
- How do you think
395
00:16:57,988 --> 00:17:00,887
I know that you kissed
the bus driver at spring break?
396
00:17:00,888 --> 00:17:05,300
Or that you want to open up
a glassware boutique in Connecticut?
397
00:17:05,534 --> 00:17:08,313
- Or about the wall hole?
- This is impossible! I've been...
398
00:17:08,314 --> 00:17:10,331
I've been writing with Michael
Keaton since I was a kid!
399
00:17:10,332 --> 00:17:13,025
Your mother came up
with the idea, Schmidt.
400
00:17:13,197 --> 00:17:16,932
- But since college, it's been me.
- My mom?
401
00:17:16,978 --> 00:17:20,404
You're gonna tell me that my mom
helped me with my public erections?
402
00:17:20,405 --> 00:17:21,928
I drew pictures!
403
00:17:21,929 --> 00:17:24,585
He didn't want you
to find out this way.
404
00:17:26,624 --> 00:17:28,659
WINSTON:
Hey.
405
00:17:32,132 --> 00:17:34,026
- I got to go.
- Wait. Schmidt!
406
00:17:34,027 --> 00:17:37,460
- Oh! Oh, I'm so, so sorry. Uh...
- A bully! Get him!
407
00:17:37,494 --> 00:17:39,328
Oh! Oh!
408
00:17:39,362 --> 00:17:40,986
- Come on.
- Hey, kids, get out of here! (groaning)
409
00:17:40,987 --> 00:17:44,089
Scat! Scat!
(hissing) Back off!
410
00:17:48,093 --> 00:17:52,271
Cece, wait. I swear, I did not know
he was gonna be here. I'm so sorry.
411
00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:54,807
No, Jess. It's-it's fine.
Okay, it's fine.
412
00:17:54,808 --> 00:17:58,744
In fact... it's actually
kind of perfect.
413
00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:02,973
I think, since this whole thing went
down, I've just been running away.
414
00:18:02,974 --> 00:18:07,144
You know, I mean,
actually seeing Schmidt, I...
415
00:18:07,579 --> 00:18:10,618
I finally feel like
I have some closure.
416
00:18:10,619 --> 00:18:12,684
Well, good. I'm glad.
417
00:18:12,685 --> 00:18:14,619
You deserve some.
418
00:18:16,551 --> 00:18:19,137
So let's fire up
the Batman Mobile,
419
00:18:19,138 --> 00:18:22,093
go to a taco stand and eat
some feelings, okay?
420
00:18:22,116 --> 00:18:24,291
Okay, I just...
I think it's Batmobile.
421
00:18:24,326 --> 00:18:25,526
Batman Mobile.
422
00:18:25,551 --> 00:18:28,304
No. Batmobile.
423
00:18:28,336 --> 00:18:30,164
That's what I said...
Batman Mobile.
424
00:18:30,198 --> 00:18:31,999
You're putting the man...
There's no man. It's just Bat...
425
00:18:32,033 --> 00:18:34,134
- Batman Mobile.
- ...Mobile. Batman Mobile.
426
00:18:34,169 --> 00:18:36,265
- Batmobile. Drop the man.
- Bat... Yeah.
427
00:18:36,273 --> 00:18:37,812
Batman Mobile.
428
00:18:37,859 --> 00:18:39,839
Batmobile.
429
00:18:39,874 --> 00:18:42,544
Batmo-mobile.
430
00:18:42,919 --> 00:18:47,159
So it was you who helped me through
my first breakup with Elizabeth?
431
00:18:47,769 --> 00:18:49,416
Yeah, Schmidt.
432
00:18:49,451 --> 00:18:53,020
And it was you,
not Keaton, who told me
433
00:18:53,054 --> 00:18:55,736
that women aren't attracted
to men who wear maternity pants?
434
00:18:55,757 --> 00:18:59,414
Yes, but that one I feel
like I shouldn't have had to.
435
00:18:59,415 --> 00:19:01,895
They're unbelevably
comfortable.
436
00:19:01,930 --> 00:19:04,198
What about that time
that we saw Michael Keaton
437
00:19:04,232 --> 00:19:08,679
at that deli,
and he stopped, and he winked?
438
00:19:08,710 --> 00:19:10,965
Honestly, I can't
explain that one.
439
00:19:10,966 --> 00:19:13,268
It was just the weirdest
day of my whole life.
440
00:19:13,808 --> 00:19:16,076
My friend Michael.
441
00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:21,448
Oh, Schmidt, look, I know
this is hard, okay?
442
00:19:22,076 --> 00:19:24,477
But honestly, I was
just trying to help.
443
00:19:25,683 --> 00:19:28,840
You don't need Keaton.
You got me.
444
00:19:28,903 --> 00:19:30,537
(shudders)
445
00:19:30,615 --> 00:19:33,527
- What was that?
- I'm so sorry.
446
00:19:33,561 --> 00:19:35,697
What... Why would you say
something like that?
447
00:19:35,698 --> 00:19:39,067
Because I hurt you, and I've been
wanting to fix this for years.
448
00:19:39,068 --> 00:19:41,935
The end of a high school
football movie?
449
00:19:41,970 --> 00:19:44,972
I'm really sorry I pretended to
be Keaton for the last 12 years.
450
00:19:45,006 --> 00:19:46,640
It's super weird.
451
00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:50,310
Are we good?
452
00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:54,709
Yeah. We're good.
453
00:20:02,857 --> 00:20:05,726
Well, Nicholas, I came
to a decision last night.
454
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:09,392
I'm entering a new chapter in my life,
and I think it best that I do it alone.
455
00:20:09,393 --> 00:20:11,641
You're going to one of those
weekend spas again, buddy?
456
00:20:11,642 --> 00:20:14,281
No. In the famous words of
singer-songwriter Billy Joel...
457
00:20:14,282 --> 00:20:15,688
- Don't do this.
- I'm moving out.
458
00:20:15,689 --> 00:20:16,893
You're the worst.
459
00:20:16,909 --> 00:20:18,724
Schmidt, I thought
you said we were good.
460
00:20:18,725 --> 00:20:21,375
No, we're great, but I'm going.
Two separate things.
461
00:20:21,376 --> 00:20:24,051
I made the call this morning.
I got a new place. I'm out.
462
00:20:24,052 --> 00:20:26,413
- You're not going anywhere.
- I'm going.
463
00:20:26,448 --> 00:20:29,316
Goodness, uh, I think somebody
had sex in my bedroom last night.
464
00:20:29,317 --> 00:20:31,142
I think that because
they're still in there...
465
00:20:31,143 --> 00:20:32,544
- Having sex, I think.
- Ugh!
466
00:20:34,022 --> 00:20:36,173
Hey, Schmidt. You going
to a weekend spa again?
467
00:20:36,174 --> 00:20:38,525
- No. Striking out on my own.
- Wait. What?!
468
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,577
You're moving out?
He's not moving out, is he?
469
00:20:40,578 --> 00:20:42,159
Schmidt, you can't move out.
Who's gonna do my fades?
470
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,532
Yeah, who's gonna do his fades?
(sighs)
471
00:20:45,939 --> 00:20:47,607
Believe this is mine.
472
00:20:49,170 --> 00:20:51,672
Well, I bid you all adieu.
473
00:20:51,706 --> 00:20:53,340
- Stop it, Schmidt. Oh, Schmidt!
- Are you serious?
474
00:20:53,374 --> 00:20:54,978
- Schmidt, come on.
- Come on.
475
00:20:55,002 --> 00:20:56,662
- Seriously? Come on!
- Stop with the show!
476
00:20:56,663 --> 00:20:58,879
You can't even fit all
your socks in that suitcase.
477
00:20:58,913 --> 00:21:02,531
Get your last looks, 'cause who knows
when we'll see each other again?
478
00:21:03,151 --> 00:21:05,552
Or where.
479
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,995
JESS: Wait. You're just
moving in across the hall?
480
00:21:15,029 --> 00:21:17,156
I can't hear you...
'cause I'm gone.
481
00:21:17,157 --> 00:21:19,528
NICK: Schmidt, it would take me
longer to walk from the kitchen
482
00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:23,070
to the bathroom than it would
from here to where you are.
483
00:21:23,104 --> 00:21:25,339
Oh, you are kidding me.
484
00:21:25,373 --> 00:21:27,681
- I can see your feet!
- Me, too.
485
00:21:27,682 --> 00:21:29,225
Shut up.
486
00:21:29,250 --> 00:21:31,250
Guy's an idiot...
487
00:21:31,275 --> 00:21:33,383
See you tomorrow, Schmidt...
488
00:21:34,464 --> 00:21:37,159
Woo! I'm alone!
489
00:21:37,184 --> 00:21:39,366
I'm alone! I'm alone...
490
00:21:39,522 --> 00:21:41,389
I'm alone...
491
00:21:46,172 --> 00:21:48,033
Score, touchd...
492
00:21:49,893 --> 00:21:53,018
Hahaha... Yeah.
Shut up, Winston.
493
00:21:53,209 --> 00:21:56,209
Sync and corrected by ScreamingPandal
www.addic7ed.com