1
00:00:01,034 --> 00:00:02,768
Well, nothing brightens up
a rainy day
2
00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:04,170
like a Scotch tasting, guys.
3
00:00:04,204 --> 00:00:06,272
It's not raining today.
It hasn't rained in months.
4
00:00:06,306 --> 00:00:07,379
Shh, don't ruin the moment.
5
00:00:07,379 --> 00:00:09,819
There's actually a huge forest fire.
Dude, you should turn on the news.
6
00:00:09,948 --> 00:00:13,622
This is a 15-year-old
French oak reserve.
7
00:00:13,757 --> 00:00:17,283
Mm! A note of cedar,
vanilla, tobacky.
8
00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:18,551
Boozy.
9
00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:20,853
Hunting, fishing, shooting,
10
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:24,654
fatherhood, bonding, sadness.
11
00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:26,359
Please don't leave me.
12
00:00:26,393 --> 00:00:28,127
- Cheers, guys. Put 'er there Schmidty.
- Cheers.
13
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:29,695
Cheers.
14
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:32,031
- To a nice quiet evening.
- Tranquil.
15
00:00:32,065 --> 00:00:34,700
This moment is so chill
and absent of drama,
16
00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,469
I want to call it "Tim Duncan."
17
00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:38,538
I have 21 minutes to make
a life-changing decision
18
00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:40,573
and you beautiful sons-a-bitches
are gonna help me!
19
00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:42,942
- Whoa.
- Yeah!
20
00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:45,077
That is $45 worth of Scotch
right there.
21
00:00:45,112 --> 00:00:48,247
It tastes disgusting.
I don't like it.
22
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:51,150
♪ Who's that girl?
Who's that girl? ♪
23
00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:52,752
♪ It's Jess. ♪
24
00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:56,153
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com
25
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:59,725
So, obviously, Nick has told you
about how I've been volunteering
26
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,395
at the Children's Museum,
and really hitting it off
27
00:01:02,429 --> 00:01:03,796
with the head curator,
Candace, right?
28
00:01:03,830 --> 00:01:05,164
In my way, I have.
29
00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:06,632
- I've never heard that.
- Hasn't said a word. Thank God.
30
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:07,967
Come on.
31
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:09,635
Guys, give me one second.
32
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:11,604
I gotta go play a round
of "Car Keys Monte"
33
00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:13,773
with Kevin-97 or he'll try
to drive home.
34
00:01:15,414 --> 00:01:17,510
So, anyway, about a month ago,
Candace calls me and tells me
35
00:01:17,544 --> 00:01:20,605
there might be a full-time
fund-raising position opening up
36
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:21,948
- and I'd be perfect for it.
- There we go,
37
00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:23,950
look for the keys, look for the keys,
look for the keys.
38
00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:25,651
And she keeps pushing
me for an answer,
39
00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:26,819
and I keep
putting her off.
40
00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:28,621
I say, "Thank you very much.
I'm very flattered,
41
00:01:28,655 --> 00:01:30,256
but I already have a job.
Me teacher."
42
00:01:31,417 --> 00:01:32,925
That's a grammar joke.
You get it.
43
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,294
Look at the jukebox
for a sec.
44
00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:37,830
When I think of teachers,
I think of two things: Jessica Day
45
00:01:37,864 --> 00:01:39,432
and pornography where
the characters are teachers.
46
00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:41,500
Well, of course I've always
wanted to be a teacher,
47
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,135
but my school's a disaster.
48
00:01:43,170 --> 00:01:45,104
Justice Brandeis believed
that...
49
00:01:45,138 --> 00:01:46,439
Ms. Day?
50
00:01:46,473 --> 00:01:49,041
Education's Principal Foster,
everybody!
51
00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:51,477
Thank you so much.
52
00:01:51,511 --> 00:01:55,432
Ms. Day, we have hit
a construction hiccup
53
00:01:55,462 --> 00:01:57,318
- in our renovation, so...
- Okay.
54
00:01:57,447 --> 00:02:00,256
everybody's gonna have
to be sharing classroom space.
55
00:02:00,256 --> 00:02:01,078
What?
56
00:02:02,036 --> 00:02:03,766
- Oh.
- Hey, do you have a freezer
57
00:02:03,925 --> 00:02:07,493
or should I flush these frogs?
My check comes either way.
58
00:02:07,527 --> 00:02:11,297
Oh, come on. Foster's sticking
us with the math kids
59
00:02:11,331 --> 00:02:13,799
that use letters
instead of numbers?
60
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,167
Do you mean algebra?
61
00:02:15,202 --> 00:02:16,869
I guess. Anyway,
62
00:02:16,903 --> 00:02:19,839
it's gonna be a couple
of crazy months, huh?
63
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,407
I'm sorry? Months?
64
00:02:21,441 --> 00:02:23,909
Right. Years
if the bond issue fails.
65
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:27,246
Which it might, since voters
are trending anti-future.
66
00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:29,715
Anti-future?
Who's anti-future?
67
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:33,319
I don't know. The Amish?
The dying?
68
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:35,821
Television industry,
print media,
69
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:38,691
record industry,
railroad industry,
70
00:02:38,725 --> 00:02:42,061
karaoke machine owners.
You got this?
71
00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:45,231
I'm gonna go not smoke pot.
72
00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:48,334
- So my phone rings...
- Oh, we telling phone stories? Nice.
73
00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:50,436
- No, I'm talking about work.
- So your phone rings.
74
00:02:50,470 --> 00:02:52,758
And it's Candace
officially offering me the job!
75
00:02:52,894 --> 00:02:54,206
And I told her I'd think about it!
76
00:02:54,241 --> 00:02:57,176
Wow, you not being
a school teacher?
77
00:02:57,210 --> 00:02:59,512
Well, you have found
my flabbergast button,
78
00:02:59,546 --> 00:03:01,080
and guess what,
you've pressed it.
79
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,382
I'm flabbergasted as hell, too.
80
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,051
Look, I've been a teacher
my entire life,
81
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:06,619
and I've always wanted
to be a teacher,
82
00:03:06,653 --> 00:03:08,888
but maybe I should be doing
something else. I don't know.
83
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,923
How do you know when
you're on the right path?
84
00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:14,026
It's crazy.
85
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:15,695
That wasn't
a rhetorical question.
86
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:17,063
- Oh!
- Oh!
87
00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:19,031
What I like to do is just
take a drive up PCH maybe.
88
00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:21,801
Willy Wonka once said...
89
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:24,603
Guys, Candace is calling at 6:00
to find out my final answer!
90
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:25,805
- Whoa!
- What?
91
00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:27,640
I'm sorry you're in
such a pickle.
92
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:30,276
But I'm not sorry
that I get to time something!
93
00:03:30,310 --> 00:03:31,744
19 minutes, people!
94
00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:35,247
- All right.
- Just to be clear, 19 minutes until 6:00.
95
00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:36,882
I'm not sure this is helping.
96
00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:39,062
This brings a whole new level
of tension to the whole situation.
97
00:03:39,062 --> 00:03:39,785
Yeah, because
you're being timed now.
98
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,020
- You time a lot of stuff, Coach.
- 46 seconds.
99
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,521
This is a life-changing
decision, that's it.
100
00:03:43,475 --> 00:03:46,510
17 minutes till 6:00.
17 minutes, Jess.
101
00:03:46,544 --> 00:03:48,845
Coach, do you always
wear a stopwatch? Like always?
102
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:52,182
You familiar with Rollergirl's relationship
to her skates in Boogie Nights?
103
00:03:52,217 --> 00:03:53,675
- Yes.
- Well, I'm not,
104
00:03:53,824 --> 00:03:56,653
because I don't watch movies,
I time them.
105
00:03:56,688 --> 00:03:59,690
They're pornographers,
but they're also a family.
106
00:03:59,724 --> 00:04:03,126
155:30 official running time,
my round ass!
107
00:04:03,161 --> 00:04:07,218
Jess, choosing a career path
is never easy,
108
00:04:07,366 --> 00:04:08,565
but what I found...
109
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,567
- Oh, my God.
- Shut up, dude!
110
00:04:10,602 --> 00:04:12,069
She's looking
for career advice.
111
00:04:12,103 --> 00:04:14,638
Your job could be done
by a vending machine.
112
00:04:14,672 --> 00:04:15,872
Guys, don't be mean.
113
00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:17,674
So Nick doesn't have
a traditional career. I mean...
114
00:04:17,709 --> 00:04:20,644
Or is it the most traditional?
115
00:04:20,678 --> 00:04:22,512
Maybe I'm thinking
about prostitution.
116
00:04:22,547 --> 00:04:25,515
Guys, as you all know, I am
the expert at changing career paths.
117
00:04:25,550 --> 00:04:27,017
Is this something
we're now bragging about?
118
00:04:27,051 --> 00:04:28,518
No, Schmidt,
I'm referring to my decision
119
00:04:28,553 --> 00:04:30,020
to quit playing
the game of basketball.
120
00:04:30,054 --> 00:04:33,023
Jess, I will tell you this,
it was not easy.
121
00:04:34,124 --> 00:04:35,587
It all began back...
122
00:04:35,622 --> 00:04:36,829
Come on, Winston
move it along.
123
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:37,594
Okay, Jess, fine,
124
00:04:37,629 --> 00:04:41,198
but don't blame me if you get
lost in the nooks and crannies
125
00:04:41,232 --> 00:04:46,003
of this crazy English muffin
we call Winston's life.
126
00:04:46,037 --> 00:04:47,671
I was the ninth guy
off the bench
127
00:04:47,705 --> 00:04:49,873
for the eighth-best team
in Latvia.
128
00:04:49,907 --> 00:04:52,442
Winnie the Bish!
Winnie the Bish!
129
00:04:52,477 --> 00:04:53,844
Winnie the Bish!
130
00:04:53,878 --> 00:04:56,013
Ha-ha! Thanks for coming
to watch me play, guys.
131
00:04:56,047 --> 00:04:57,848
We didn't watch you play.
We watched you sit.
132
00:04:57,882 --> 00:04:59,082
Which was still fun.
133
00:04:59,117 --> 00:05:01,118
You know, any chance
to get to Latvia, right, guys?
134
00:05:01,152 --> 00:05:02,886
Yeah, I haven't played all year.
135
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,455
They barely let me practice,
but you know, like I always say,
136
00:05:05,490 --> 00:05:07,124
How about them Lats?
137
00:05:07,158 --> 00:05:08,759
So that's when you decided
to change course.
138
00:05:08,793 --> 00:05:11,228
That makes sense.
So my takeaway from that is...
139
00:05:11,262 --> 00:05:12,863
Still building to the decision.
140
00:05:12,897 --> 00:05:14,865
You are traded to Kraslava City.
141
00:05:14,899 --> 00:05:16,233
The Outdoor League?
142
00:05:16,267 --> 00:05:17,768
Man, they play
on a hillside!
143
00:05:17,802 --> 00:05:21,271
I give you surprise tip:
Uphill basket, better.
144
00:05:21,306 --> 00:05:22,910
Aha, and then you decided...
145
00:05:22,940 --> 00:05:23,673
Ah!
146
00:05:24,773 --> 00:05:25,909
I'm going fast!
147
00:05:25,943 --> 00:05:27,044
Whoa, whoa,
whoa!
148
00:05:28,413 --> 00:05:30,580
You never play
basketball again.
149
00:05:30,615 --> 00:05:33,717
Don't touch it.
Stop it.
150
00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:37,120
And that's when I decided to stop
playing the game of basketball.
151
00:05:37,155 --> 00:05:39,890
Jess, walk away the
moment you stop loving it.
152
00:05:39,924 --> 00:05:41,458
I mean, that's what I did.
153
00:05:41,492 --> 00:05:42,893
That's the thing,
you didn't walk away.
154
00:05:42,927 --> 00:05:45,762
You decided nothing. That story
contains zero decisions.
155
00:05:45,797 --> 00:05:49,333
Look, I decided to stop
playing the game of basketball
156
00:05:49,367 --> 00:05:52,002
when my doctor told me
I had to stop.
157
00:05:52,937 --> 00:05:55,439
Okay, okay, all right, I...
it was my decision...
158
00:05:55,473 --> 00:05:56,840
Mm-hmm.
159
00:05:56,874 --> 00:06:00,243
...to start to play
the game of basket...
160
00:06:00,278 --> 00:06:02,679
You were handed a basketball
six seconds after you were born.
161
00:06:02,714 --> 00:06:05,082
Damn, do I even like basketball?
162
00:06:05,116 --> 00:06:06,516
I mean, goodness,
163
00:06:06,551 --> 00:06:08,652
have I ever made any decisions
my whole life?
164
00:06:08,686 --> 00:06:11,321
Are we all just living inside
the mind of a giant?
165
00:06:11,356 --> 00:06:13,790
All right, good job, buddy.
Really good. Thanks.
166
00:06:13,825 --> 00:06:16,159
You know, if I may be so bold...
167
00:06:16,194 --> 00:06:17,160
Oh, Nick, please.
Winston, have a seat.
168
00:06:17,195 --> 00:06:19,162
I was literally about
to give advice.
169
00:06:19,197 --> 00:06:20,787
She already heard
one cautionary tale tonight,
170
00:06:20,897 --> 00:06:21,965
she does not need
to hear another.
171
00:06:21,999 --> 00:06:24,301
- What she needs to hear is my story.
- All right.
172
00:06:24,335 --> 00:06:28,472
A story of hard choices.
A story of paths taken.
173
00:06:28,506 --> 00:06:31,808
A story that I like to call,
"Kablamo McYeah, Bro!"
174
00:06:31,843 --> 00:06:34,010
Ah, you stupid bast...
175
00:06:34,045 --> 00:06:35,612
The title has nothing to do with
the story, but you need a hook.
176
00:06:37,670 --> 00:06:39,149
- It all began back...
- Come on, Schmidt!
177
00:06:39,183 --> 00:06:41,025
What? Only one story
in the whole wide world
178
00:06:41,065 --> 00:06:42,519
can begin in a hospital?
179
00:06:42,553 --> 00:06:43,854
I volunteered a lot in college.
180
00:06:43,888 --> 00:06:47,858
But I shone brightest
as a candy striper.
181
00:06:47,892 --> 00:06:49,226
Sick people wanted me.
182
00:06:49,260 --> 00:06:51,495
Dying people
wanted to be me.
183
00:06:51,529 --> 00:06:53,397
I was the total
candy-striping package.
184
00:06:53,431 --> 00:06:55,031
And yet I remained invisible
185
00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:57,000
to the one whose gaze
I desired the most.
186
00:06:57,034 --> 00:07:01,227
Invisible? You were like
a 300-pound wall of peppermint bark.
187
00:07:01,371 --> 00:07:03,112
Her badge said "RN"
for registered nurse,
188
00:07:03,241 --> 00:07:04,975
but as far as I was concerned,
it said "NILTH,"
189
00:07:05,009 --> 00:07:06,977
"Nurse I'd Like To Hug."
190
00:07:07,011 --> 00:07:09,513
Not even the baggiest of scrubs
could hide her splendid form.
191
00:07:12,950 --> 00:07:16,486
Where's a guy have to volunteer
to get a girl like that, huh?
192
00:07:16,521 --> 00:07:18,922
I don't volunteer.
I'm a man.
193
00:07:18,956 --> 00:07:21,591
I have a job in marketing.
194
00:07:22,832 --> 00:07:25,328
Obviously I was far too fat
to work in marketing.
195
00:07:25,363 --> 00:07:27,497
So I got a job
any dumb slob could do.
196
00:07:27,532 --> 00:07:30,200
Relax, man, it's your first day.
197
00:07:30,234 --> 00:07:32,569
For a Jewish giant,
I had a surprising knack
198
00:07:32,603 --> 00:07:34,104
for selling Christmas trees.
199
00:07:34,138 --> 00:07:36,173
Not only did
my wide center of gravity
200
00:07:36,207 --> 00:07:37,607
make me freakishly strong,
201
00:07:37,642 --> 00:07:40,043
but I could also sell
like the wind.
202
00:07:40,077 --> 00:07:41,578
Because I understood
one fundamental truth.
203
00:07:41,612 --> 00:07:44,114
When you're buying
Christmas trees...
204
00:07:44,148 --> 00:07:46,116
you're really buying sex.
205
00:07:46,150 --> 00:07:48,852
Have you always been short?
I've always been fat.
206
00:07:48,886 --> 00:07:51,254
But who cares
how God made you?
207
00:07:51,289 --> 00:07:53,557
Don't let him put you
in a skin box.
208
00:07:53,591 --> 00:07:55,425
At the end of the day,
I'm just a fat guy
209
00:07:55,460 --> 00:07:57,427
standing here in front
of a short guy telling him
210
00:07:57,462 --> 00:08:00,630
that I think
we found his tree.
211
00:08:00,665 --> 00:08:02,899
It wasn't long before I caught
the attention of Old Man McCue,
212
00:08:02,934 --> 00:08:05,635
Christmas tree king
of Syracuse,
213
00:08:05,670 --> 00:08:07,637
inventor of triple netting.
214
00:08:07,672 --> 00:08:10,140
However...
215
00:08:10,174 --> 00:08:13,577
In the words of the late,
great Sir Billy Joel...
216
00:08:13,611 --> 00:08:15,612
Billy Joel is definitely alive.
217
00:08:15,646 --> 00:08:17,447
And he's definitely
not a knight.
218
00:08:17,482 --> 00:08:18,815
"The good, they do die young."
219
00:08:18,850 --> 00:08:21,618
♪ As I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death ♪
220
00:08:21,652 --> 00:08:24,988
♪ I take a look at my life
and realize there's nothin' left ♪
221
00:08:25,022 --> 00:08:27,591
♪ 'Cause I've been blastin'
and laughin' so long ♪
222
00:08:27,625 --> 00:08:30,861
♪ That even my mama thinks
That my mind is gone, but... ♪
223
00:08:31,963 --> 00:08:33,497
When you're on your deathbed,
224
00:08:33,531 --> 00:08:36,466
when your life has been lived,
225
00:08:36,501 --> 00:08:38,502
you're never gonna say,
226
00:08:38,536 --> 00:08:41,404
"I wish I'd spent more time
with my family."
227
00:08:43,201 --> 00:08:47,277
Because money
and everything it buys,
228
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:50,926
you can take it
229
00:08:51,644 --> 00:08:52,858
with you...
230
00:09:07,882 --> 00:09:08,791
Interesting, money.
231
00:09:08,921 --> 00:09:11,468
Actually the museum job pays
more than the teaching job.
232
00:09:11,502 --> 00:09:13,169
Wait, the m...
233
00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:14,938
Then what the hell are we
talking about here, you guys?
234
00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:16,439
Done deal, case closed.
235
00:09:16,474 --> 00:09:18,308
Follow them ducats.
236
00:09:18,342 --> 00:09:19,476
It's not always
about the money, Schmidt.
237
00:09:19,510 --> 00:09:20,977
Guys, look, it's almost 6:00.
238
00:09:21,012 --> 00:09:22,979
And Candace is
insanely punctual.
239
00:09:23,014 --> 00:09:24,214
You know, one
of the best
240
00:09:24,248 --> 00:09:26,683
career choices of the future...
241
00:09:26,717 --> 00:09:28,351
Driveways.
242
00:09:30,643 --> 00:09:32,188
You're welcome.
243
00:09:37,216 --> 00:09:39,624
- Jess, the museum job pays more.
- All right...
244
00:09:39,634 --> 00:09:41,767
- The decision has been made for you.
- No, no, no.
245
00:09:41,802 --> 00:09:43,605
You don't know the difference
between more and less.
246
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,171
- Don't you?
- Yes, Schmidt.
247
00:09:45,205 --> 00:09:46,772
All of my decision's have
been made for me.
248
00:09:46,807 --> 00:09:49,508
I'm only in sports radio because
I played professional basketball.
249
00:09:49,543 --> 00:09:51,210
I played professional basketball
250
00:09:51,244 --> 00:09:53,579
because somebody put a ball
in my crib as a baby.
251
00:09:53,613 --> 00:09:55,748
What if somebody gave
Baby Winston a flower?
252
00:09:55,782 --> 00:09:57,116
Then what would I be?
253
00:09:57,150 --> 00:09:58,884
- Beekeeper!
- Hummingbird farmer.
254
00:09:58,919 --> 00:10:00,186
Oh, does water shoot
out of the flower?
255
00:10:00,220 --> 00:10:01,220
If so, you'd be
a hilarious comedian.
256
00:10:01,254 --> 00:10:05,224
Wait, guys, this is
classic after 6:00 topics.
257
00:10:05,258 --> 00:10:06,859
Look, I... There has to be
more to this than money.
258
00:10:06,893 --> 00:10:08,461
I really want to care
about what I do.
259
00:10:08,495 --> 00:10:10,296
Don't you ever miss
getting your hands dirty
260
00:10:10,330 --> 00:10:12,731
- and selling?
- I've moved up in the world.
261
00:10:12,766 --> 00:10:14,366
I'm not freezing
and covered in sap.
262
00:10:14,401 --> 00:10:16,302
I'm making spreadsheets.
263
00:10:16,336 --> 00:10:17,803
It's like Old Man McCue
used to say.
264
00:10:17,838 --> 00:10:20,072
The reward is
in the destination.
265
00:10:20,107 --> 00:10:21,207
It's not in the journey.
266
00:10:21,241 --> 00:10:23,209
Was he wise or was he senile?
267
00:10:23,243 --> 00:10:26,212
Because he's mixed up a lot
of really well-known sayings.
268
00:10:26,246 --> 00:10:28,247
Jess, you're gonna
want to listen to me.
269
00:10:28,281 --> 00:10:30,649
Anyone else here named
after their career?
270
00:10:32,285 --> 00:10:34,153
People call you Markety?
271
00:10:34,187 --> 00:10:35,921
Not yet.
272
00:10:35,956 --> 00:10:37,756
That's too bad
'cause that's awesome.
273
00:10:37,791 --> 00:10:39,825
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
274
00:10:39,860 --> 00:10:41,494
Hands up, Ulvis!
275
00:10:41,528 --> 00:10:43,629
Ball screen, Vlad, come on!
276
00:10:43,663 --> 00:10:45,331
There we go, yes!
277
00:10:45,365 --> 00:10:47,833
Bishop, finger
out of your nose, now!
278
00:10:47,868 --> 00:10:49,768
Ernie's a really
good coach.
279
00:10:49,803 --> 00:10:52,104
- Maybe we should call him Coach.
- We should probably call him...
280
00:10:52,139 --> 00:10:53,572
You do it first.
281
00:10:53,607 --> 00:10:55,241
- Yeah.
- Uh... Coach.
282
00:10:55,275 --> 00:10:56,942
That's a great name!
High five!
283
00:10:56,977 --> 00:10:57,977
Yeah!
284
00:10:58,011 --> 00:11:00,246
I think you see what I mean.
285
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:01,280
No, I do...
I really don't.
286
00:11:01,314 --> 00:11:03,916
My point is
don't overthink it, Jess.
287
00:11:03,950 --> 00:11:06,018
The call's coming
from inside the house.
288
00:11:06,052 --> 00:11:07,253
What?
289
00:11:07,287 --> 00:11:09,788
Be who you are.
And do what you do.
290
00:11:09,823 --> 00:11:11,157
What if I don't know who I am?
291
00:11:11,191 --> 00:11:13,425
And you know, I'm capable of doing
a lot of different things.
292
00:11:13,460 --> 00:11:14,827
Then you are on your own.
293
00:11:14,861 --> 00:11:15,961
Good stuff, Coach.
294
00:11:15,996 --> 00:11:19,632
Jess, would it help to think
about your first day as a teacher?
295
00:11:19,666 --> 00:11:20,866
Like, I think about the first
time I ever poured a drink...
296
00:11:20,901 --> 00:11:22,334
- Boo, get off the stage!
- Aw, man.
297
00:11:22,369 --> 00:11:23,335
- Nick!
- Dude, stop.
298
00:11:23,370 --> 00:11:24,303
No, that's interesting.
299
00:11:24,337 --> 00:11:26,305
The first day I ever taught.
300
00:11:26,339 --> 00:11:29,308
Portland Country Day.
301
00:11:29,342 --> 00:11:31,143
Five-team Pacific Northwest
squash champions.
302
00:11:31,178 --> 00:11:34,280
Go, Rhododendrons!
303
00:11:34,314 --> 00:11:37,316
Now, if I was chalk,
where would I be?
304
00:11:37,350 --> 00:11:39,685
If I were chalk,
where would I be?
305
00:11:39,719 --> 00:11:41,720
Slip up like that
in front of the kids, Day,
306
00:11:41,755 --> 00:11:43,055
and they'll eat you alive.
307
00:11:46,726 --> 00:11:50,029
Eddie Pascucci kicked
my ass because I'm new.
308
00:11:50,063 --> 00:11:51,630
Well, guess what?
309
00:11:51,665 --> 00:11:53,132
I'm new, too.
310
00:11:53,166 --> 00:11:56,335
I got lost trying to find
the upper dining garden.
311
00:11:56,369 --> 00:11:59,405
Oh, that's over by the hedge maze
and the stables.
312
00:11:59,439 --> 00:12:02,308
I haven't even met my horse yet.
313
00:12:02,342 --> 00:12:03,909
Come on, let's get you
cleaned up.
314
00:12:03,944 --> 00:12:06,579
All of these jackets have
cash in the pockets.
315
00:12:06,613 --> 00:12:09,014
It's like a $50,000
lost and found.
316
00:12:09,049 --> 00:12:10,482
Here, try this one.
317
00:12:10,517 --> 00:12:12,218
Yup.
318
00:12:12,252 --> 00:12:13,519
You look great, Clifton.
319
00:12:13,553 --> 00:12:14,820
This doesn't fit!
320
00:12:14,854 --> 00:12:17,389
Eddie Pascucci beats up
the unstylish!
321
00:12:17,424 --> 00:12:18,524
Yeah, that's right.
322
00:12:18,558 --> 00:12:20,426
We had an ethnic, gay bully.
323
00:12:22,874 --> 00:12:24,657
He's gonna have
to come through me first.
324
00:12:25,698 --> 00:12:27,900
Clifton Collins really just needed
someone to believe in him.
325
00:12:27,934 --> 00:12:29,768
So I started
tong him in math,
326
00:12:29,803 --> 00:12:32,271
and he became the best
math student in school.
327
00:12:32,305 --> 00:12:33,939
So, let's look him up and see
328
00:12:33,974 --> 00:12:35,407
how happy and successful
and amazing he's doing.
329
00:12:35,442 --> 00:12:37,610
- Yeah!
- I think that'll really fire you up.
330
00:12:41,548 --> 00:12:42,881
All right,
there's no trace of him.
331
00:12:42,916 --> 00:12:44,383
- What?
- I'm really, I'm really good at this.
332
00:12:44,417 --> 00:12:46,018
I'm good at it, let me see.
333
00:12:46,052 --> 00:12:47,553
- You found him. He's right here.
- No, I didn't.
334
00:12:47,587 --> 00:12:49,197
- Here's Clifton, wow.
- It's not a...
335
00:12:49,347 --> 00:12:50,856
- Yeah, he's right there. That's Clifton.
- Oh, yeah.
336
00:12:50,890 --> 00:12:52,024
We're not the only ones
looking for him.
337
00:12:52,058 --> 00:12:53,489
- So's the FBI.
- What?
338
00:12:53,638 --> 00:12:55,628
- Yeah, he's a criminal.
- No.
339
00:12:55,662 --> 00:12:57,196
Oh, my God.
340
00:12:57,230 --> 00:13:00,199
Clifton "Baby Madoff" Collins?
341
00:13:00,233 --> 00:13:01,233
Wanted for 53...
342
00:13:02,269 --> 00:13:04,770
...counts of embezzlement.
343
00:13:04,804 --> 00:13:05,938
Sounds like the math took.
344
00:13:05,972 --> 00:13:07,906
Screw me.
345
00:13:07,941 --> 00:13:09,541
Like, I...
346
00:13:09,576 --> 00:13:12,077
Maybe I wasn't even
reaching the kids at all.
347
00:13:16,149 --> 00:13:18,384
Okay, you know what?
348
00:13:18,418 --> 00:13:20,719
- Miller up.
- Excuse me?
349
00:13:20,754 --> 00:13:22,655
That's just like "fill 'er up,"
but with "Miller."
350
00:13:22,689 --> 00:13:24,757
- Don't.
- 'Cause I'm about to fill you up.
351
00:13:24,791 --> 00:13:25,991
- No, that's gross.
- With my stories.
352
00:13:26,026 --> 00:13:27,393
- Oh, please don't.
- That's disgusting.
353
00:13:27,427 --> 00:13:29,061
What's disgusting about it?
354
00:13:29,095 --> 00:13:32,665
My first year of law school,
I made an important discovery.
355
00:13:32,699 --> 00:13:34,833
Look left. Look right.
356
00:13:34,868 --> 00:13:36,635
Next year, one of you will be gone.
357
00:13:36,670 --> 00:13:38,704
What a cliché, huh?
358
00:13:39,806 --> 00:13:41,807
Oh, you wrote that down.
359
00:13:44,611 --> 00:13:46,979
You'll be gone.
I'm not going anywhere.
360
00:13:47,013 --> 00:13:48,781
I'm gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be right here.
361
00:13:48,815 --> 00:13:50,449
Take it easy, guy to my right.
362
00:13:50,483 --> 00:13:54,486
I discovered that I hated
being around these people.
363
00:13:54,521 --> 00:13:56,755
But second year,
I made another discovery.
364
00:13:56,790 --> 00:13:58,257
I hated being around myself.
365
00:13:58,291 --> 00:13:59,858
So my third year,
366
00:13:59,893 --> 00:14:01,794
I wanted to find
a place where I belonged.
367
00:14:01,828 --> 00:14:03,462
Where I could look to my left
368
00:14:03,496 --> 00:14:04,830
or look to my right
and like what I saw.
369
00:14:04,864 --> 00:14:06,365
Love you in that scarf.
370
00:14:06,399 --> 00:14:07,366
Why don't you wear
scarves anymore?
371
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,768
That place?
Perhaps you guessed it:
372
00:14:09,803 --> 00:14:11,303
This very bar.
373
00:14:11,338 --> 00:14:14,173
Get out of town.
What a twist.
374
00:14:17,877 --> 00:14:19,111
How long has that
guy been there?
375
00:14:19,145 --> 00:14:20,346
Kevin-97?
376
00:14:20,380 --> 00:14:21,680
Since 1997, Jess.
377
00:14:21,715 --> 00:14:23,115
Why else do you think
we would call him...
378
00:14:23,149 --> 00:14:24,950
I don't know.
Move it along, Miller.
379
00:14:24,984 --> 00:14:26,952
True, I wasn't
loving law school,
380
00:14:26,986 --> 00:14:29,288
but my grades were fine
and I even signed up
381
00:14:29,322 --> 00:14:30,689
for the California
State Bar.
382
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,292
And then, one day...
383
00:14:33,326 --> 00:14:37,196
Red over-served himself
and everything changed.
384
00:14:37,230 --> 00:14:38,697
So you went behind the bar,
385
00:14:38,732 --> 00:14:40,632
quit law school,
you became a bartender...
386
00:14:40,667 --> 00:14:42,611
- There's more to it than that.
- Two minutes!
387
00:14:42,751 --> 00:14:44,803
Oh, my God. I honestly don't
know what to do.
388
00:14:44,838 --> 00:14:45,838
I have so little time.
389
00:14:45,872 --> 00:14:46,839
Hey.
390
00:14:46,873 --> 00:14:48,240
Cece!
391
00:14:48,274 --> 00:14:49,842
Have you ever questioned
your entire career?
392
00:14:49,876 --> 00:14:52,211
Duh, I'm a 31 year old model.
393
00:14:52,245 --> 00:14:54,313
My last job was
for a phone sex ad,
394
00:14:54,347 --> 00:14:55,814
and I was the one calling.
395
00:14:55,849 --> 00:14:57,516
Tell me what to do.
And don't tell me
396
00:14:57,550 --> 00:14:59,051
to ask the guys, because
I already tried that.
397
00:14:59,085 --> 00:15:01,920
And also, don't tell me to think
about my first student, Clifton.
398
00:15:01,955 --> 00:15:02,921
Okay, no, wait.
399
00:15:02,956 --> 00:15:05,057
Your first student
was not Clifton.
400
00:15:10,697 --> 00:15:12,531
Lady, she's still
got one minute.
401
00:15:15,301 --> 00:15:16,935
That was a butt dial
from your mother.
402
00:15:16,970 --> 00:15:19,204
She is up to no good.
403
00:15:20,802 --> 00:15:23,249
Cece, bring it fast, and bring it hard.
You have 53 seconds.
404
00:15:29,683 --> 00:15:30,426
You okay?
405
00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:32,933
Yes. No.
406
00:15:33,221 --> 00:15:36,081
I think I need glasses unless
crying makes your eyes not work.
407
00:15:36,914 --> 00:15:40,492
I can't read this, but even
when I can, I don't understand it.
408
00:15:40,731 --> 00:15:43,862
Crying makes your eyes work better.
After I finished Sophie's Choice,
409
00:15:44,259 --> 00:15:45,683
I could see
in the dark for a week.
410
00:15:49,095 --> 00:15:50,754
Here's what I do
when I lose mine.
411
00:15:54,013 --> 00:15:57,220
Ooh, this is interesting.
Get in here, we'll learn it together.
412
00:15:57,562 --> 00:15:58,598
But everyone'll laugh at us.
413
00:15:58,717 --> 00:16:00,830
They can drive it or milk it
as far as I'm concerned.
414
00:16:02,221 --> 00:16:04,573
I don't know what that means.
I heard my dad say it.
415
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,177
My dad just died.
416
00:16:13,104 --> 00:16:16,507
Well, if you want to come over,
and listen to mine say
417
00:16:16,567 --> 00:16:19,295
"They can drive it or milk it..."
you can.
418
00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:22,176
He's also got one
about the turds in City Hall.
419
00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:24,895
Thanks.
420
00:16:34,303 --> 00:16:36,174
- I'm Cece.
- Jess.
421
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:40,136
I was your first student.
422
00:16:48,009 --> 00:16:50,212
Hey, Candace.
Um...
423
00:16:50,492 --> 00:16:54,332
Yeah, actually...
I'm not gonna take the job.
424
00:16:56,394 --> 00:16:58,408
Yeah, I'll see you Sunday.
Okay, bye.
425
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:00,569
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
426
00:17:00,633 --> 00:17:02,598
- Thanks guys.
- Yes!
427
00:17:02,698 --> 00:17:05,747
- Thanks guys.
- You did it.
428
00:17:05,893 --> 00:17:07,160
Good stuff.
429
00:17:08,293 --> 00:17:10,051
Hey, she did it.
430
00:17:10,389 --> 00:17:12,059
You made the right call, Jess.
What's wrong?
431
00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:13,581
I think you're right.
I made the right decision.
432
00:17:17,263 --> 00:17:21,078
Look, I know it's hard,
but the hard is what...
433
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:22,969
makes it good.
434
00:17:24,023 --> 00:17:26,448
- Uhm, A League of Their Own
- Is that from A League of Their Own.
435
00:17:26,602 --> 00:17:28,302
Yes, of course. All of my quotes
are from a sports movie.
436
00:17:28,443 --> 00:17:29,812
You guys don't know them,
and so they seem original.
437
00:17:29,953 --> 00:17:31,758
A League of Their Own
is not a sports movie.
438
00:17:31,874 --> 00:17:33,524
It's a sports movie,
first and foremost.
439
00:17:33,658 --> 00:17:35,494
It's about sisterhood
and the war.
440
00:17:35,633 --> 00:17:38,228
- Yeah, absolutely. - It's about
a baseball team grinding it up.
441
00:17:38,359 --> 00:17:41,921
♪ This used to be my playground... ♪
442
00:17:42,317 --> 00:17:43,300
Coming right up.
443
00:17:43,743 --> 00:17:46,343
His sister really worries
about his drinking, so what I do is
444
00:17:46,377 --> 00:17:49,979
I come in early, and I soak a teabag
until the water turns brown
445
00:17:50,014 --> 00:17:51,981
and looks like booze.
446
00:17:52,016 --> 00:17:53,350
I call it tea-water.
447
00:17:53,384 --> 00:17:56,186
So... tea.
448
00:17:56,220 --> 00:17:59,756
I will take a big old glass
of booze-water.
449
00:17:59,790 --> 00:18:01,858
Got an antacid
commercial tomorrow
450
00:18:01,892 --> 00:18:03,626
- Oof.
- and I'm playing day-old curry.
451
00:18:03,661 --> 00:18:05,795
Or you can bartend.
452
00:18:05,830 --> 00:18:08,298
You can bartend till
you're 90 years old.
453
00:18:08,332 --> 00:18:11,034
Why don't you fire this
down to Kevin-97?
454
00:18:15,873 --> 00:18:17,540
Oh, no.
455
00:18:18,909 --> 00:18:20,343
We're gonna work on that.
456
00:18:20,378 --> 00:18:21,544
Good morning, everybody.
457
00:18:21,579 --> 00:18:23,980
Welcome to Alge-Bio-Civics.
458
00:18:24,014 --> 00:18:25,281
Turn in your equations,
459
00:18:25,316 --> 00:18:27,050
and you will get a frog.
460
00:18:27,084 --> 00:18:29,619
Dissect carefully,
because inside the frog
461
00:18:29,653 --> 00:18:31,388
is the name of
the city council member
462
00:18:31,422 --> 00:18:34,190
who you will be e-mailing
to restart construction.
463
00:18:34,225 --> 00:18:35,725
- Ms. Day?
- Yes.
464
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,527
I thought this was
gonna be a disaster.
465
00:18:37,561 --> 00:18:41,531
But thanks to you, I can go
upstairs to the big boys
466
00:18:41,565 --> 00:18:44,183
and tell them they
can always depend...
467
00:18:45,284 --> 00:18:47,475
on Dr. Alan Foster.
468
00:18:49,115 --> 00:18:50,272
Yeah.
469
00:18:50,875 --> 00:18:53,376
Please take his job,
I'm begging you.
470
00:18:53,411 --> 00:18:56,379
I'd do it myself, but I'd
never pass the psych test.
471
00:18:56,414 --> 00:18:58,081
So I figure...
472
00:18:58,115 --> 00:19:01,684
if Foster can be a principal,
then why can't I be a principal?
473
00:19:01,719 --> 00:19:03,086
- That's great.
- I don't see why not.
474
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:04,387
- Thank you.
- Then you could take me
475
00:19:04,422 --> 00:19:06,389
to the principal's
office and punish me
476
00:19:06,424 --> 00:19:08,525
- for being tardy, and...
- You know we're right here, right?
477
00:19:08,559 --> 00:19:09,826
Just lift up my
britches and...
478
00:19:09,860 --> 00:19:11,094
- We'll talk about it later.
- Okay.
479
00:19:11,128 --> 00:19:12,362
- Very nice.
- We'll do it in my office.
480
00:19:12,396 --> 00:19:13,530
After I fill up
my juice box.
481
00:19:15,032 --> 00:19:16,866
So, guys, just quit
my job today.
482
00:19:16,901 --> 00:19:18,535
- Whoa, big decision.
- Oh, man! - What?
483
00:19:18,569 --> 00:19:19,869
I just finally
said to myself,
484
00:19:19,904 --> 00:19:21,604
"It is time to make
your own decisions."
485
00:19:21,639 --> 00:19:23,039
- Right on.
- Yeah.
486
00:19:23,073 --> 00:19:25,542
If it doesn't work out, I'm sure
they'd be happy to have you back.
487
00:19:25,576 --> 00:19:27,343
They would... they would
not like to have me back.
488
00:19:27,378 --> 00:19:29,379
- I burned a lot of bridges today.
- Mmm.
489
00:19:29,413 --> 00:19:31,047
Uh, stuff got weird.
Stuff got... racial.
490
00:19:31,081 --> 00:19:32,782
- What?
- I used a lot of swearwords.
491
00:19:32,817 --> 00:19:34,250
Then I got sexual...
492
00:19:34,285 --> 00:19:36,886
Well, sounds like you need
a drink. On the house.
493
00:19:36,921 --> 00:19:39,355
- What can I get you?
- Ooh... Let me get a, let me get a...
494
00:19:39,390 --> 00:19:40,757
We have everything.
What would you like to drink?
495
00:19:40,791 --> 00:19:42,258
But you know,
I'll make the decision.
496
00:19:42,293 --> 00:19:43,693
Let me get...
497
00:19:44,496 --> 00:19:46,361
- Double amaretto, extra cherries!
- Double amaretto, extra cherries!
498
00:19:46,483 --> 00:19:47,297
That's what I was gonna say.
499
00:19:47,498 --> 00:19:49,065
Nice.
500
00:19:49,099 --> 00:19:51,401
- Oh, dear.
- Oh, my goodness!
501
00:19:51,435 --> 00:19:53,770
My first shift, you know?
I'm still working on it.
502
00:19:53,804 --> 00:19:55,138
- She's getting better.
- That was great.
503
00:19:55,172 --> 00:19:56,940
- That was awesome.
- Yeah. A natural.
504
00:19:59,645 --> 00:20:00,483
- Hey.
- Hey.
505
00:20:00,636 --> 00:20:02,579
Sorry I didn't let you
finish your story.
506
00:20:06,784 --> 00:20:09,018
- What's this?
- The end of my story.
507
00:20:11,755 --> 00:20:13,756
No way!
508
00:20:14,925 --> 00:20:16,893
You passed
the bar exam?
509
00:20:16,927 --> 00:20:21,097
I wanted to prove to myself
that I dropped out of law school
510
00:20:21,131 --> 00:20:22,732
because I wanted
to be a bartender,
511
00:20:22,766 --> 00:20:24,934
not because
I couldn't be a lawyer.
512
00:20:24,969 --> 00:20:26,936
- This also says "spaghetti sandwich."
- That's just 'cause
513
00:20:26,971 --> 00:20:28,938
it's a great idea. When I have
a great idea, I write it down.
514
00:20:28,973 --> 00:20:30,907
The point is...
515
00:20:30,941 --> 00:20:32,475
is I want this.
516
00:20:32,510 --> 00:20:33,776
You know,
it makes me happy.
517
00:20:33,811 --> 00:20:35,678
Well, here.
518
00:20:35,713 --> 00:20:38,114
Now, can I get
you a drink?
519
00:20:38,148 --> 00:20:40,517
- Sure.
- Sure.
520
00:20:46,230 --> 00:20:47,422
Cheers.
To unemployment.
521
00:20:47,424 --> 00:20:49,058
- Absolutely.
- Exactly.
522
00:21:11,181 --> 00:21:13,816
I see you're looking
at a Douglas fir.
523
00:21:13,851 --> 00:21:15,351
It's a beautiful tree.
524
00:21:15,386 --> 00:21:17,120
We move a ton of these
Dougie firs. Love them.
525
00:21:17,154 --> 00:21:18,655
But...
526
00:21:18,689 --> 00:21:20,857
I feel like you're ready
for the spruce lifestyle.
527
00:21:20,891 --> 00:21:22,392
Let's spruce
this up.
528
00:21:22,426 --> 00:21:24,193
Let me put you
in a spruce today.
529
00:21:24,228 --> 00:21:26,701
What kind of ceilings you dealing with
at home? Vaulted? Cathedral?
530
00:21:26,830 --> 00:21:27,807
By the way,
there's no wrong answer.
531
00:21:27,957 --> 00:21:29,235
You look like a confident man,
you know that?
532
00:21:29,762 --> 00:21:30,974
You deserve a confident tree...
533
00:21:31,166 --> 00:21:34,975
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com