1
00:00:03,136 --> 00:00:04,636
Jess:
Hey, look who it is.
2
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,705
It's schmidt.
And, um...
3
00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:08,139
This is barb.
Barb is leaving.
4
00:00:08,141 --> 00:00:09,341
Oh, barb. Like the elephant.
5
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,610
That's babar, you dum-dum.
6
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:14,613
Barbara.
A little potassium pick-me-up?
7
00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:15,714
Since i know
sleeping wasn't
8
00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:17,349
The main activity of the night.
9
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,784
Thin walls. Just kidding.
They're very thick.
10
00:00:19,786 --> 00:00:22,053
You're just so loud!
(chuckles)
11
00:00:22,055 --> 00:00:24,789
You have a lot
of roommates.
So many of 'em. That's great.
12
00:00:24,791 --> 00:00:26,157
Bye, barb.
Bye, barb.
13
00:00:26,159 --> 00:00:27,392
Bye, schmidt.
(door shuts)
14
00:00:27,394 --> 00:00:29,227
That was the third piece
of nanny
15
00:00:29,229 --> 00:00:31,463
This week, am i right?
Sure is.
16
00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,565
Little shop talk from someone
who's also out there
17
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:36,001
Trying to crush butt herself.
18
00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:37,335
Um, where
are you meeting all
19
00:00:37,337 --> 00:00:40,038
These eligible singles,
these, uh, elly-sings?
20
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,573
Dice.
Hmm?
21
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:43,708
It's kind of like tinder.
Dice and tinder.
22
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,176
I've been to those bars.
They're downtown, right?
23
00:00:45,178 --> 00:00:47,245
(groans)
dice is a dating app.
24
00:00:47,247 --> 00:00:49,014
Dating app.
It's not for you.
25
00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:51,216
What? Schmidty.
26
00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:53,318
Come on.
I've internet dated before.
27
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,555
You send an e-mail, you
get excited, you wait,
you get an e-mail back.
28
00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:59,024
You are just describing
e-mailing.
Come on.
29
00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:01,560
You're gonna get eaten alive
on dice. Do you want to see...
Come on, now.
30
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:04,229
Do you want to see...
This is dice. Come here.
31
00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:06,197
It's all about split-second
decisions, okay?
32
00:01:06,199 --> 00:01:07,732
You see a picture,
you swipe down for yes,
33
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,234
You swipe up for no.
Jess: You're so fast.
34
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:10,368
Instinct.
That's what it's about.
35
00:01:10,370 --> 00:01:12,203
Which you don't have.
36
00:01:12,205 --> 00:01:15,607
Now, i'm gonna go do
a deep-ass mouthwash.
37
00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:17,609
Don't go on dice, jess.
38
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,177
I won't.
39
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:24,916
Okay, now.
40
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,285
New account.
41
00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:30,722
I am... Darn tootin' fun.
42
00:01:30,724 --> 00:01:32,724
Dtf.
43
00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:35,393
Seeks same.
44
00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:37,862
I'm dicing.
45
00:01:37,864 --> 00:01:40,098
♪ who's that girl? ♪
46
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,534
♪ who's that girl? ♪
♪ it's jess. ♪
47
00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:48,640
Winston:
You know, i'm really enjoying
the police academy,
48
00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,609
But, believe it
or not,
49
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,777
I am not clicking socially
with the other cadets.
50
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:53,912
What? Weird.
Oh, my god.
51
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,747
No.
That's crazy.
52
00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:57,649
That is super shocking news.
I can't wrap my
head around that.
53
00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,551
That just doesn't add up.
Everyone's got
a nickname but me.
54
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:02,387
Yo, swoops! What up, gunner?
(chuckles)
55
00:02:02,389 --> 00:02:04,456
Hey, winston bishop.
56
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:05,790
Why don't you just go ask them
57
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,258
If you can hang out
with them sometime?
58
00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:08,660
I mean, what's the worst
that could happen?
59
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:11,096
Just invite myself?
Now, that's just rude.
60
00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:13,932
Winnie the bish
wasn't raised to be rude.
61
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:16,568
Now, save my seat.
I got to go make a caca.
62
00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:19,170
I can't believe we're
gonna live with a cop.
63
00:02:19,172 --> 00:02:21,973
I mean, can we still do illegal
things? Like, i don't know,
64
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,675
What if i want to get
stoned or something?
65
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,010
I've actually never
gotten stoned before.
66
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:27,012
You've never been stoned?
What?
67
00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:28,346
Should i do it before
he becomes a cop?
68
00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:29,781
We could do this.
Really?
69
00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,650
We're adults. We can
smoke a little weed.
70
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,251
I think we should do it.
It's been a while.
71
00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:34,686
I pick up stuff
really quick.
72
00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:36,688
You can't just pick up
pot and be good at it.
73
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:39,524
Like everything else in
life, it takes practice.
Yeah, if pot
74
00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:41,593
Were a piano, nick would be
a nine-year-old chinese girl.
75
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:43,795
Daddy's here to take
care of you. I'm gonna
guide you through it.
76
00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:45,597
I'll be your
spiritual guru.
77
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:47,265
And mommy's got nothing
to do this afternoon,
78
00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:48,667
So i'm gonna bake
some damn brownies
79
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:49,934
So we can all freak out.
80
00:02:49,936 --> 00:02:52,370
Let's do it.
We're getting stoned?
81
00:02:52,372 --> 00:02:54,539
This is like watching a meeting
of idiot 12-year-olds.
82
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:56,675
The hell is that?
What is that noise?
(ringtone playing)
83
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,143
Your cellular technology.
84
00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:01,546
I haven't gotten
a non-text message in two years.
85
00:03:01,548 --> 00:03:03,181
Jess?
86
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:06,184
Hey, uh... So, i diced
87
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,853
And it was great. Um,
88
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:12,023
But could i
get a ride?
89
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,626
You sure you don't want
to hop on for a second?
90
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:20,532
Do you have a dog,
or is this all you?
91
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,133
Which would you prefer?
92
00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:23,902
(barks)
93
00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:28,206
Schmidt, will you at least
just talk to me, please?
94
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,543
He looked nice in his picture.
95
00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:34,579
The frame cut off the bottom
of his beard,
96
00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:36,681
So how was i to know it was
braided into a beardy tail?
97
00:03:36,683 --> 00:03:38,850
Mmm.
He asked me
98
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,685
To the food court
near his house.
99
00:03:40,687 --> 00:03:42,987
I thought that was
down-to-earth, and i liked that.
100
00:03:42,989 --> 00:03:44,422
He didn't bring
any money,
101
00:03:44,424 --> 00:03:46,591
So we had to go back
to his apartment.
102
00:03:46,593 --> 00:03:50,095
And also he wanted to show me
some of his old baby clothes.
103
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:52,063
(groans)
104
00:03:53,266 --> 00:03:55,033
Maybe i'm not ready for dice.
105
00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:57,001
Will you just
help me, please?
106
00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:59,370
I want to get back out there.
I have to...
107
00:03:59,372 --> 00:04:01,339
I need to get
back out there.
108
00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:02,373
And i know i'm gullible.
109
00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:03,675
'cause people tell me that,
110
00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:05,643
And i have no reason not
to believe them.
111
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,980
Teach me to dice.
112
00:04:13,553 --> 00:04:15,887
Is that a yes?
(mutters)
113
00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:17,689
Schmidt?
114
00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:19,758
What's happening?
115
00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:23,928
Ah! What the hell?
116
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:26,431
I will teach you dice.
117
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,308
Welcome and...
118
00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:38,943
Good morning.
119
00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:41,246
It's weird here in the morning.
It is very sad.
120
00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:42,914
Now, over the next
1,000 minutes,
121
00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:44,816
Your notions of dating
will be challenged.
122
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:46,985
Jess, just listen. No notes.
I'm sorry.
123
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:49,954
You put notebooks and pens
on the table, so i thought...
I totally get it.
124
00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:52,090
Look, jess, you're nervous.
Would you like some water?
125
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:53,491
Oh, thank you.
Of course.
126
00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:55,560
That's really nice of...
Never show weakness.
127
00:04:55,562 --> 00:04:58,963
Write that down.
Now, you're on dice
128
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:00,832
And this hunk shows up.
129
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:03,301
Hubba hubba, mama in trubba.
130
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,169
Don't ever do that again.
131
00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:05,570
Okay.
So you find
132
00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:07,238
This man.
He looks like a hemsworth,
133
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,473
If you will.
134
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,408
He swipes down,
you swipe down,
135
00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:13,411
You guys set a date. I show up.
136
00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:15,246
Hey, how you doing?
I'm jack steele.
137
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:16,948
Hi, jack.
(buzzing)
138
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:19,984
Wrong.
Is that our taboo buzzer?
139
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,820
Not important. Why did i buzz?
Do you think
you could
140
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,521
Just return it to the box
when you're done with it?
141
00:05:23,523 --> 00:05:26,090
The reason i buzzed is because
i look nothing like this person.
142
00:05:26,092 --> 00:05:27,859
Look at this. There's
a sun-kissed sweetie.
143
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,594
I am a rugged semitic prince.
144
00:05:29,596 --> 00:05:31,796
I thought we were role-playing.
Role-playing?
145
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,264
What about this feels
like a game to you?
146
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:36,134
(buzzing)
(phone chimes)
147
00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:38,503
Ooh, i got a dice match.
148
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:39,504
Jacob.
149
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,940
He has dreamy eyes.
150
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,608
Them's joint-bank-account eyes.
Okay,
151
00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:45,510
If you're saying things like
"dreamy eyes" to my face,
152
00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:48,313
We have more work to do
than the kings of leon.
153
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:51,115
Good band, but it feels
like they are stuck in
one place musically.
154
00:05:51,117 --> 00:05:52,450
Well, i have a good feeling
about this guy.
155
00:05:52,452 --> 00:05:53,351
Okay.
I'm gonna
ask him out.
156
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,652
Hey.
157
00:05:54,654 --> 00:05:56,187
You're not ready yet.
158
00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:00,325
I'm s...
I'm sorry about your phone.
159
00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:01,960
I'm sure you have
the protection plan.
160
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,461
I do have the...
(buzzing)
161
00:06:03,463 --> 00:06:06,130
Never get the protection plan!
162
00:06:06,132 --> 00:06:08,066
Nick:
The oceans are very wild.
163
00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:10,702
No man or piece
of scientific technology
164
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,037
Has ever been to the bottom
of the ocean.
165
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:15,206
Titanic did.
Uh, titanic sunk
down there,
166
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,641
But that's not
to the bottom.
167
00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:18,376
No, the man who
made titanic did.
168
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,812
I don't know
what manhoo is, but...
169
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,380
You guys seem a lot higher
than me.
170
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,716
Well, it hits everybody
at different times, hoss.
171
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,484
(door opens)
but it's coming for you.
172
00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:28,319
My people!
(chuckles)
173
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:30,555
Time to rally, everybody.
We are going to a party.
174
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,991
I took cece's advice
and decided to invite myself
175
00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:35,159
To hang out
with some of the other guys,
176
00:06:35,161 --> 00:06:37,328
And i think
y'all should roll with.
177
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:38,930
Make me look cooler.
178
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:41,699
I'll totally go to a
party on your butt.
179
00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:42,533
What?
180
00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:44,535
(laughing)
no. No.
181
00:06:44,537 --> 00:06:47,105
Now, that is a humorous image.
182
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:50,241
What?
183
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,343
But, seriously, you have to go.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
184
00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:53,778
Know-know what? We're gonna go.
185
00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:54,879
We're gonna go.
186
00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:56,714
Okay.
We're gonna go.
187
00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:58,716
We're gonna go. We're gonna go.
188
00:06:58,718 --> 00:07:00,218
You're gonna go?
Hey, we're gonna go.
189
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:01,719
We're gonna go.
190
00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:03,254
We're gonna go.
Right on, right on.
191
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,056
Well, then we'll go.
192
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:06,557
(chuckling):
Yeah.
193
00:07:06,559 --> 00:07:07,926
You guys are way too messed up
to be going.
194
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,194
You're not an expert. I am.
195
00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:11,529
Nobody knows we're stoned.
196
00:07:11,531 --> 00:07:12,897
If we didn't go,
then they would know.
197
00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:14,098
You're saying that be...
198
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,700
If we don't go to the party,
199
00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:17,068
They're gonna think
that we're high.
200
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,237
Oh, the guy
who's never done weed.
201
00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,105
That's not the proper term.
It's "smoked weed."
202
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,774
You don't "do weed."
that's a test.
203
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,475
You said it.
Listen to me,
204
00:07:24,477 --> 00:07:27,111
First order of business,
we eat their food.
205
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:30,548
Okay.
Then you look at the pool.
"aw, what a great pool.
206
00:07:30,550 --> 00:07:34,485
I wish... I wish
i could dive for rings."
207
00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:38,056
Because if you were stoned,
you wouldn't dive for rings.
208
00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:41,392
Um, i was just thinking
of this impression.
209
00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:44,295
Who am i doing?
210
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,833
Who am i doing?
Al pacino?
211
00:07:48,835 --> 00:07:51,936
Maybe. So, then,
212
00:07:51,938 --> 00:07:54,272
You get home,
you eat some pizza...
213
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:56,808
Trust me. I just thought
of every single possibility
214
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,510
Of what could happen at that
party, and none of them are bad.
215
00:07:59,512 --> 00:08:01,679
Ooh. Wow.
216
00:08:01,681 --> 00:08:05,249
This is a big party.
I'm talking wall-to-wall cops.
217
00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:07,151
Man.
218
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:13,324
Oh, i did not
think this through.
219
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,860
(giggling)
220
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:19,430
It just hit me.
221
00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:20,832
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey,
222
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,433
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Be cool.
223
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:24,836
And that is why-- no matter
how tricked out it is--
224
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,504
You never get into a van.
225
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,873
"no van."
okay. Moving on.
226
00:08:28,875 --> 00:08:30,108
Classic warning signs.
227
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,476
Now, last night, the crazy man
228
00:08:31,478 --> 00:08:33,444
Said he needed to meet you
near his house.
229
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:35,113
What he was really saying was,
230
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:36,848
"i expect tonight
to end in sex."
231
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:39,617
Or maybe he doesn't like
to be far from his pets.
232
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:41,786
Never date a man with pets.
The only acceptable pet
233
00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:45,223
For a man to have is a
saltwater fish. Okay, what now?
234
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,025
Okay, first test.
Now, i'm gonna say something,
235
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,660
And you tell me
what's really being said.
236
00:08:49,662 --> 00:08:52,130
Oh, you know, i'm just staying
in a hotel right now.
237
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:53,664
"i like to travel."
238
00:08:53,666 --> 00:08:56,034
(buzzing)
homeless. Pervert.
239
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:59,203
Oh, my god, my mom is just
the most amazing woman.
240
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:00,638
Oh. "i love my mother."
241
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:01,906
(buzzing)
242
00:09:01,908 --> 00:09:04,509
Virgin. And somehow
also a pervert.
243
00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:07,145
I kind of prefer
public transportation.
244
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,679
Oh. Earth-conscious.
245
00:09:08,681 --> 00:09:10,581
(buzzing)
multiple duis.
246
00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:11,682
(buzzing)
247
00:09:11,684 --> 00:09:13,518
Pervert.
248
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,019
Okay, time for the next phase.
249
00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:16,387
Next phase?
Jess?
250
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:19,323
Hi. I'm malcolm. From dice?
Oh...
251
00:09:19,325 --> 00:09:20,925
Oh.
252
00:09:20,927 --> 00:09:22,927
Hi.
Hey.
253
00:09:22,929 --> 00:09:24,762
She'll be with you
in just a minute.
254
00:09:24,764 --> 00:09:26,564
Okay.
255
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,666
You set me up on a date?
I'm wearing my
256
00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:30,868
Lounge-around underwear.
I set you up on ten dates.
257
00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:32,537
What?
Ten years of experience
in one day.
258
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:33,704
Expert by midnight.
259
00:09:33,706 --> 00:09:35,206
The dice diez.
260
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,574
"diez" is spanish for ten.
261
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,576
Are you insane, schmidt?
I'm not ready.
262
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,945
That's like taking a musical
from rehearsals
263
00:09:40,947 --> 00:09:43,347
Straight to broadway.
You got to workshop it first...
264
00:09:43,349 --> 00:09:44,782
If you are
for one second suggesting
265
00:09:44,784 --> 00:09:46,250
That i don't know
how to open a musical...
266
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,252
How dare you? I'm trying
to help you out here.
267
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,555
Now, of course you're
not ready, jess.
268
00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:53,024
That's why i set up ten dates.
269
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:54,792
Now, you can do this. Come on.
270
00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:57,028
All right.
271
00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,029
So...
272
00:09:58,031 --> 00:09:59,297
So.
Date talk.
273
00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:01,265
Okay.
(chuckles) what do you do?
274
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:03,801
Um, well, i don't have a job,
currently, right now,
275
00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:06,137
In the traditional
"nine to five" sense,
276
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,706
But, uh, i got a lot cooking.
277
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:12,276
I "grow" "raisins."
278
00:10:14,714 --> 00:10:16,981
I'm sorry, malcolm, um,
279
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:19,050
I'm gonna have to...
280
00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:21,152
(whispering):
Get out of there.
281
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,154
...Let you finish that story.
282
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:26,290
Oh, okay. I grow
two types of raisins.
283
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,059
There's the leopold raisin,
284
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:29,727
Which is from austria.
Mm-hmm.
285
00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:31,229
And then there's
the zwiebel raisin,
286
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:32,997
Which is also from austria.
287
00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:38,002
But i think the main thing
288
00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:39,403
That got me
through my time in prison
289
00:10:39,405 --> 00:10:40,671
Was the realization
290
00:10:40,673 --> 00:10:42,340
That a "raisin" can be anything.
291
00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:43,774
We got to go!
292
00:10:43,776 --> 00:10:45,510
(in southern accent):
Ma called. The bees are back.
293
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:46,844
Ma called. The bees are back.
294
00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:48,513
Oh, okay. Um...
295
00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:50,348
Should i just...
Should i wait for you?
296
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:52,416
You know that was
a bad date, right?
297
00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:54,519
I know, but i just felt
so trapped.
298
00:10:54,521 --> 00:10:57,088
Just do what i did, make up
an excuse and then leave.
299
00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:59,257
Just-just say as little
as you need to, okay?
300
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:00,324
Make it your own.
301
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:01,425
You ready?
Yeah.
302
00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:02,660
You can do this.
Okay.
303
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,095
You have so much hair.
What?
304
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,129
Where did all that
hair come from?
305
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:06,197
You're like a lioness.
306
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:07,832
So, did you know you could put
307
00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:10,001
A whole live chicken
in your mouth and eat it
308
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:13,004
Without plucking it
or preparing it at all?
309
00:11:14,474 --> 00:11:15,973
(whispering):
Keep it simple.
310
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,108
Uh, let's keep it simple.
311
00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:18,276
You're a nice guy,
312
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,777
And that's a neat outfit.
313
00:11:19,779 --> 00:11:21,646
Are you a chef?
Are you a beatnik?
314
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:22,713
Are... Do you work on...
315
00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:24,148
On a submarine?
Shh.
316
00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:25,283
No! No!
317
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:26,450
Oh.
Stand down,
318
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:27,685
Sir!
We found your son.
319
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:28,786
He's alive.
320
00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:30,621
They found my son; he's alive.
321
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,990
I'm sorry.
It was nice meeting you.
322
00:11:32,992 --> 00:11:34,492
Winston:
All right, now, remember,
323
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:35,626
Y'all are my dogs, okay?
324
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:36,827
So just stay by my side
325
00:11:36,829 --> 00:11:38,229
And make me look cool.
326
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,965
If i tell a joke,
dogs got to bark.
327
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:43,501
(laughs) i want to see those
tails wagging out there, okay?
328
00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,336
Oh, okay, look.
329
00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:46,671
Look, there's dugan.
There's dugan.
330
00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:49,540
That's the guy i was
telling you about. Come on.
331
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,576
Over there is better.
332
00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:52,677
All right.
333
00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:54,812
What?
Whatever the hell that means.
334
00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:56,881
Is there a cop
in the house? (laughs)
335
00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:59,517
I feel really calm.
Really relaxed.
336
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,586
Oh, look, a hummingbird.
What the hell
are you talking about?
337
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:03,487
There's no such thing
as a hummingbird.
338
00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:05,089
Birds don't hum.
339
00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:06,257
They sing.
340
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:07,892
They basically
invented singing.
341
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:09,594
You're so high
right now, man.
342
00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:11,896
You're so high, i couldn't
possibly even bring you back.
343
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,998
Actually, dude,
i feel really good.
344
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,566
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
when you walk,
345
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,068
You look like an insane person.
346
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:20,671
Okay? And your voice sounds
so stoned and crazy.
347
00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:22,073
Say something.
348
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,608
Hello, nick.
349
00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:25,543
(laughs)
350
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:27,612
That took you, like, 20 minutes.
351
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,580
"hello, nick."
352
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,116
And now i'm a model
and a bartender.
353
00:12:32,118 --> 00:12:33,751
But i...
354
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:36,120
I'm not sure what's next.
I feel a little lost.
355
00:12:36,122 --> 00:12:38,422
I'm not exactly sure
what i'm doing with my life.
356
00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:40,625
I'm so sorry.
357
00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:41,892
What was your question again?
358
00:12:41,894 --> 00:12:43,561
I didn't ask you anything.
359
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:46,063
You just walked up
and started talking.
360
00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:47,598
So, man, i'm in the locker room,
361
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,267
And i see a spider,
and i'm like,
362
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,568
"i hope this is charlotte's web
363
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:51,836
And you're nice."
364
00:12:54,807 --> 00:12:56,307
You haven't seen
charlotte's web?
365
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:57,908
Charlotte's web,
the, uh, cartoon.
366
00:12:57,910 --> 00:13:00,645
The tale about the spider who
was super chill and super cool.
367
00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,580
Then, well, series of events,
she ended up dying.
368
00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:03,981
So that was sad.
369
00:13:03,983 --> 00:13:06,150
That was sad, but spoiler alert,
if you haven't seen it.
370
00:13:06,152 --> 00:13:07,485
I'm sure you...
You haven't seen it.
371
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:11,122
Where are my dogs?
372
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,491
I took the liberty of writing
down some exit lines,
373
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,893
Because obviously, you can't
come up with any on your own.
374
00:13:15,895 --> 00:13:17,662
Here, take a look at those.
375
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,330
I've got hockey practice?
376
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:21,499
Sure.
My boss is trying to contact me
377
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,734
About a project
that could save the company.
378
00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:24,669
Mm-hmm.
Schmidt,
379
00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:26,003
These are such
obvious rejections.
380
00:13:26,005 --> 00:13:27,338
I don't want to hurt
their feelings.
381
00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:28,406
Hurt their feel...
382
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:29,840
Do you just walk around all day
383
00:13:29,842 --> 00:13:31,075
Thinking about other
people's feelings?
384
00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:32,243
Yeah. Don't you?
385
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,744
No.
386
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:34,912
How do you get anything done?
387
00:13:34,914 --> 00:13:36,914
It's hard.
Okay, jess,
388
00:13:36,916 --> 00:13:39,250
How can i put this?
389
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:41,585
You're the prize here.
390
00:13:41,587 --> 00:13:43,621
Okay?
391
00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,923
You are the last piece of pie,
and all of these guys
392
00:13:45,925 --> 00:13:47,325
Are the fat kids
in the cafeteria,
393
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,760
And i can say that because
i used to be fat as a truck.
394
00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:51,462
You really think
i'm the last piece of pie?
395
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:53,698
Damn right you're
the last piece of pie.
396
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,599
You're the best
girl on dice, jess.
397
00:13:55,601 --> 00:13:57,935
And who cares what
these guys are feeling?
398
00:13:57,937 --> 00:13:59,804
You know, what do you feel?
399
00:13:59,806 --> 00:14:01,939
Jess, what do you want?
400
00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:03,007
I'm the pie.
401
00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:04,642
You're the pie.
I'm the pie.
402
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:06,043
Say it again.
I'm the pie.
403
00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:07,545
Say it again.
I'm the pie.
404
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:09,280
There you go.
405
00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:10,448
Who are you?
406
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:12,950
Never really thought about that.
407
00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:14,051
Mmm.
408
00:14:14,053 --> 00:14:15,619
I'm not gay,
409
00:14:15,621 --> 00:14:18,989
But i would go crazy
on michael strahan.
410
00:14:18,991 --> 00:14:23,561
A prominent u.S. Senator
is trying to contact me.
411
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:28,132
You know, i just think
meryl streep is a dumb bitch.
412
00:14:28,134 --> 00:14:30,735
An important document
has gone missing.
413
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,803
I need to find it.
414
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,139
I've been getting
into a lot
415
00:14:35,141 --> 00:14:36,574
Of fist fights lately.
416
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:37,708
Like, a lot.
417
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,009
More than usual.
418
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:40,344
But, you know,
419
00:14:40,346 --> 00:14:42,179
I'm kind of enjoying them now.
420
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:44,415
I have an acquaintance
who's in jeopardy.
421
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,321
Jess?
422
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,723
Nope, not jess.
423
00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:55,893
Velcro shoes, pervert.
424
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:58,763
I didn't even see those.
425
00:15:00,099 --> 00:15:02,733
I would love for you to share...
426
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,035
Share...
427
00:15:05,037 --> 00:15:07,471
What you think
i should do with my life.
428
00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:12,076
Am i boring you now?
429
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:14,145
Officer,
can i read you your rights?
430
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:18,582
You have the right
to remain hugged.
431
00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:19,917
(laughter)
432
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,619
Oh, no, coach!
433
00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:23,254
And you have the right
to remain sweet.
434
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:24,455
(laughter)
435
00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:26,424
Run! Diversion!
436
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,592
Run! Run! Now! Now!
Uh, du...? Whoa. Hold on!
437
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,761
What's with your friends,
winston bishop?
438
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,764
They kicked over the grill,
and then they ran that way.
439
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,199
Yeah... I know.
440
00:15:36,302 --> 00:15:38,469
Wow. Last date.
441
00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:40,237
It's a big moment.
442
00:15:40,239 --> 00:15:43,307
Oh, my god, is that
who i think it is?
443
00:15:43,309 --> 00:15:45,543
I give you
dreamy eyes jacob.
444
00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:47,311
Happy dice
birthday, jess.
445
00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:49,647
You're ready for this.
Now, go get him.
446
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:52,049
Thank you, sir.
447
00:15:52,051 --> 00:15:53,484
Jess:
Wait a minute.
448
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,653
Are you from portland?
The jolly cow creamery.
449
00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:57,621
Yeah, i used to work there
summers in high school.
450
00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:59,890
No way. I'm from portland, too.
Are you serious?
451
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:01,892
Yes. I used to go there
all the time in high school.
452
00:16:01,894 --> 00:16:03,394
Oh, my god.
That's so funny.
453
00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:05,229
(laughter)
454
00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:08,799
Yeah, i hope
you like this place.
455
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,734
I live, like,
right across the street, so...
456
00:16:13,172 --> 00:16:15,573
Oh. (clears throat)
i get it.
457
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:18,008
You asked me here
because
458
00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:20,311
You want me to go home
with you.
Wait. What?
459
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,979
No. Um, you know what?
I got to go.
460
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,514
I have hockey practice.
461
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:25,416
I'm center wing,
so they really need me.
I... Wow.
462
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,785
Okay, i just live
across the street.
463
00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:31,255
I'm not some weirdo trying to
lure you back to my apartment.
464
00:16:31,257 --> 00:16:33,090
I thought we were kind
of hitting it off.
465
00:16:33,092 --> 00:16:35,426
Guess you just make
a snap decision,
466
00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:37,127
And then that's it, so...
467
00:16:37,129 --> 00:16:39,430
All right, well,
have a good practice.
468
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:44,001
And by the way, there's
no center wing in hockey.
469
00:16:47,773 --> 00:16:49,273
The dice diez!
470
00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:50,407
You did it!
471
00:16:51,377 --> 00:16:53,110
This thing is on!
472
00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:54,778
How do you open it?
473
00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:57,448
Oh, wow. This isn't
even champagne.
474
00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,617
Look, it's a super
fancy salad dressing.
475
00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:01,118
That is delightful.
476
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,159
We are celebrating-- me and you.
Jess, you can have whatever
477
00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:11,328
You want on the menu.
They got pizza, gelato,
478
00:17:11,330 --> 00:17:13,130
Tikka masala.
479
00:17:13,132 --> 00:17:15,132
A raw bar. This place
is doing too much.
480
00:17:15,134 --> 00:17:17,501
They can't be doing all this
right. What's wrong with you?
481
00:17:17,503 --> 00:17:19,036
I just don't understand how
482
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,338
What we did today
is gonna help me find love.
483
00:17:21,340 --> 00:17:23,007
Love?
484
00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,375
Well, why would you want
to fall in love?
485
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,176
Why else would i go on dates?
486
00:17:26,178 --> 00:17:28,879
The point of dating is just
to keep on dating,
487
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,814
And then never stop.
488
00:17:30,816 --> 00:17:32,883
It's like burning fossil fuels
or seeing a therapist.
489
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,185
No. Schmidt, the whole point
490
00:17:35,187 --> 00:17:38,822
Of going on dates is to fall
in love and have a relationship.
491
00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:41,525
Like, don't you ever worry
that you're missing out?
492
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:44,695
I mean, you're plowing
through all these girls,
493
00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:48,532
And some of 'em might be great,
but you'll never know.
494
00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:51,001
Do you want to go
through life that way?
495
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,438
Yeah.
496
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,141
I don't.
497
00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:05,449
Oh, hey, yeah.
I'll take the, um...
498
00:18:05,451 --> 00:18:07,418
The rock shrimp meatballs.
499
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,286
What is this place?
500
00:18:09,288 --> 00:18:10,888
(shushing)
501
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:13,591
I think
my life is going nowhere.
502
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,092
Oh.
Mmm.
503
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,261
No, cece. It's
wonderful here.
504
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,596
Do you like to learn?
505
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,064
I do.
506
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:21,599
I see you going back to school.
507
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,735
I see it, too.
Yes, yes.
508
00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:26,770
I don't see it.
Yes.
509
00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:29,273
She's a bartender.
How is she gonna pay for it?
510
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:32,543
(cece and coach hum
"pomp and circumstance")
she's not very good at it.
511
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,645
(all humming
"pomp and circumstance")
512
00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:36,714
(beatboxing)
513
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:39,883
On the floor!
Shut up!
514
00:18:39,885 --> 00:18:43,821
(yelling, overlapping chatter)
515
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,656
(shouting and yelling)
cece: Get the dog!
516
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:48,459
Get down on the ground!
Yeah, and stay down!
No!
517
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,327
(indistinct,
overlapping chatter)
cece: I'm a student!
518
00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:52,162
Both of you, butts up.
I'm trying.
519
00:18:52,164 --> 00:18:53,497
I'm trying.
520
00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:57,835
(laughter)
521
00:18:57,837 --> 00:18:59,470
See, i see you guys were high,
522
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,506
So i got these guys
to come and mess with you.
523
00:19:02,508 --> 00:19:04,575
(laughter)
524
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,176
Let's go, man.
525
00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:08,412
Let's never do drugs again.
526
00:19:08,414 --> 00:19:10,581
That was a lot
of fun... Toilet.
527
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:12,850
"toilet." is that...
Is that my nickname?
528
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:14,451
Dugan:
Yeah, 'cause living
with these guys,
529
00:19:14,453 --> 00:19:17,421
You got to put up
with a lot of crap.
Lot of crap. (laughs)
530
00:19:17,423 --> 00:19:18,422
Dugan:
Let's get a beer.
531
00:19:18,424 --> 00:19:22,026
Thank you very much.
532
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:24,028
Flush, flush, what's the rush?
533
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,362
Toilet's coming!
534
00:19:25,364 --> 00:19:26,864
You guys want
to go back in?
535
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,499
Yeah.
Yeah.
536
00:19:29,468 --> 00:19:31,702
Thanks for coming back.
Sure.
537
00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:33,937
Look, i'm...
I'm really sorry.
538
00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:36,306
Um, i was... I don't
know where to begin.
539
00:19:36,308 --> 00:19:38,475
Uh, my roommate
taught me all of these
540
00:19:38,477 --> 00:19:40,477
Phony excuses to
get out of dates.
541
00:19:40,479 --> 00:19:43,781
Wow.
Anyway, that
is not me.
542
00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:45,816
Okay.
So...
543
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,951
Will you give me another
chance to get to know you?
544
00:19:47,953 --> 00:19:49,453
Yeah.
545
00:19:49,455 --> 00:19:50,888
Let's go back in
and get a drink.
546
00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:52,389
Yes. Great.
547
00:19:52,391 --> 00:19:56,026
Hey, uh, you know, we can just
make that last date disappear.
548
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:59,296
Like... This coin.
549
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,737
(laughing):
Oh.
550
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,505
You're a magician.
551
00:20:08,507 --> 00:20:10,174
No. Ugh. No.
552
00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:12,176
I'm a comedy magician.
553
00:20:12,178 --> 00:20:14,712
Even better.
554
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,714
And, like a lot
of people in comedy,
555
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:20,017
I have a little problem
with, uh... Nose candy.
556
00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:21,919
Uh-oh.
557
00:20:24,423 --> 00:20:26,156
Can't have this.
It's my last one.
558
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:27,191
(laughing):
No...
559
00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:28,192
I'm kidding. Take it.
560
00:20:28,194 --> 00:20:29,359
I don't want it.
Please take it.
561
00:20:29,361 --> 00:20:30,360
No, you take it.
562
00:20:30,362 --> 00:20:32,162
Okay. Let's go in.
563
00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:35,933
(quietly):
Schmidt?
564
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:38,836
I totally didn't think i'd
ever hear from you again.
565
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:41,105
Well, you know,
i just figured,
566
00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:42,873
Why not see
if there's something here?
567
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:45,075
You know, let's hang out,
get to know each other.
568
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,044
There's a coffee place
down the street.
569
00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:50,647
Maybe we could go...
Grab a cup of joe.
570
00:20:51,717 --> 00:20:53,784
I don't think you
understand dice.
571
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,587
Okay.
572
00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:58,589
(door closes)
573
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:00,591
Schmidt:
Jessica!
574
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,894
I'm late to officiate
a giant's wedding,
575
00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:05,229
And these are stuck.
576
00:21:05,231 --> 00:21:06,663
(jacob giggles)
577
00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:10,434
Now the rings are free,
578
00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:12,770
But the groom
is imprisoned forever.
579
00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:15,939
I know how he feels.
You know what they say.
580
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:18,442
You got to crack
a few eggs to, uh...
581
00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:20,177
Make an amish.
582
00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:22,646
It's an egg.
583
00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:24,381
It's an amish person.
584
00:21:24,383 --> 00:21:26,650
My uncle is on fire.
585
00:21:26,652 --> 00:21:29,119
So, you've seen a rabbit
pulled out of a hat,
586
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:32,890
But have you ever seen
a hat pulled out of a rabbit?
587
00:21:33,993 --> 00:21:35,292
No, no!
588
00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:37,261
Oh, my...
Okay, this date is over.
589
00:21:37,263 --> 00:21:40,864
Captioned by
media access group at wgbh
access.Wgbh.Org