1
00:00:00,450 --> 00:00:01,275
Gentlemen!

2
00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:04,150
Three months ago I bravely
reentered the dating pool,

3
00:00:04,250 --> 00:00:05,925
and how has this city rewarded me?

4
00:00:05,975 --> 00:00:08,800
With an endless parade
of weirdo ass clowns.

5
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,175
Hard to say who was the worst.

6
00:00:10,250 --> 00:00:11,950
- Comedy magician.
- This guy with the little ding dang.

7
00:00:12,050 --> 00:00:14,275
- The lion tamer.
- Never went out with a lion tamer.

8
00:00:14,325 --> 00:00:16,525
I am having some vivid dreams.

9
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,575
The point is Ian has asked
me out on a third date,

10
00:00:19,925 --> 00:00:22,125
and this is the biggest
compliment I could give.

11
00:00:22,625 --> 00:00:25,250
I want to go.
Because I like him.

12
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:26,400
- Booh!
- That's not a reason.

13
00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:27,750
And frankly it's been a while,

14
00:00:27,850 --> 00:00:31,475
and the third date is where,
mama gets her biscuit.

15
00:00:32,975 --> 00:00:34,725
- Mama gets her biscuit.
- I don't understand.

16
00:00:34,767 --> 00:00:36,001
- It's sex.
- Oh!

17
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,469
- Yeah!
- Now, that's a reason!

18
00:00:37,504 --> 00:00:38,771
Anyway, I'm bringing him home tonight,

19
00:00:38,805 --> 00:00:40,739
so let's keep those toilets flushed.

20
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:43,676
That means stick around.
Take a second look.

21
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,744
How'd you tell Ian about the fun
surprise that you still live with your ex?

22
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:46,845
All right.

23
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,080
Well, I haven't told him yet.

24
00:00:48,114 --> 00:00:49,581
Uh, tricky conversation.

25
00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:51,550
I'm thinking of something simple like,

26
00:00:51,584 --> 00:00:53,886
"Hey, Ian, I live with my ex."

27
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,221
No. No, no. When a guy
hears that, he is going to

28
00:00:56,256 --> 00:00:58,057
run through the wall
like the Kool-Aid Man.

29
00:00:58,091 --> 00:01:00,459
Here's a fun idea. You can
put a hat on him with antlers.

30
00:01:00,493 --> 00:01:04,997
This way, the hole he makes in
the wall will make us all smile.

31
00:01:05,031 --> 00:01:06,498
Nick brings home girls all the time.

32
00:01:06,533 --> 00:01:08,367
- There's no problem.
- No complaints here.

33
00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:10,069
It'll make you forget
every botanical garden

34
00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:11,503
you've ever seen.

35
00:01:11,538 --> 00:01:12,705
I live with my ex-girlfriend.

36
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,641
And after the farmer's market...

37
00:01:15,675 --> 00:01:16,942
I live with my ex.

38
00:01:17,877 --> 00:01:18,911
Let's have sex again.

39
00:01:18,945 --> 00:01:19,945
I live with my ex.

40
00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:23,549
Damn it. Too quick.

41
00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:25,150
Hey, if you're looking
to scare somebody off,

42
00:01:25,185 --> 00:01:26,819
it's basically a gold mine.

43
00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:29,254
Nobody cares that we're
exes who live together.

44
00:01:29,289 --> 00:01:31,257
I got to go.

45
00:01:32,325 --> 00:01:34,226
Okay, that doesn't prove anything.

46
00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:36,562
Just for the record, I'm leaving
'cause you live with your ex.

47
00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:38,697
It's gross. And disgusting.

48
00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:41,066
And I'm gonna steal some stuff.

49
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,434
Take what you want, honey.

50
00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:44,470
We don't read those anymore.

51
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:50,943
Nick, who are these girls?

52
00:01:50,977 --> 00:01:52,811
They're not the best.

53
00:01:53,804 --> 00:01:56,563
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com

54
00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:01,854
Jess, guys hate complicated situations.

55
00:02:01,888 --> 00:02:04,290
We want the path of least resistance.

56
00:02:04,324 --> 00:02:06,892
There's a flap in our underwear
because we are too lazy

57
00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:08,560
to pull our underpants down.

58
00:02:08,595 --> 00:02:10,462
No offense, Nick, but...

59
00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:13,332
Ian's a little different from
you or the women you bring home.

60
00:02:13,366 --> 00:02:15,301
The... tavern folk.

61
00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:17,736
Have some respect.
They're called Uh-Ohs.

62
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:20,706
And I've been through a lot
of names: Pork Pals, Mm-hmm.

63
00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:22,007
Okay. Bone Cronies,

64
00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:23,742
Right. C-Plussy Hussies.

65
00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:24,510
Very reverent. But "Uh-Oh"

66
00:02:24,544 --> 00:02:25,844
takes it off of them

67
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:27,846
and back onto me where it belongs.

68
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:29,982
I made the mistake,
not them. They're great.

69
00:02:30,016 --> 00:02:31,884
You really are a prince among men, Nick.

70
00:02:31,918 --> 00:02:33,852
Aw, that's awfully nice.
I feel like I'm maturing.

71
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All I'm saying is that, somehow,

72
00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:37,723
Ian is even more mature than you are.

73
00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:39,625
And that's why I think he'll understand

74
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:43,028
when I tell him in a mature
adult way I live with my ex

75
00:02:43,063 --> 00:02:44,496
but there's nothing to worry about.

76
00:02:44,531 --> 00:02:46,732
- Can I suggest a tweak?
- Fine.

77
00:02:46,766 --> 00:02:48,500
"I live with my ex but
there's nothing to worry about

78
00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:49,869
because he's gay now." No.

79
00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,837
"Because he has weeks to live." No.

80
00:02:51,871 --> 00:02:53,873
"Because he's already dead."

81
00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:55,841
- What?
- Then I'll act like a ghost.

82
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,509
No.

83
00:02:57,544 --> 00:02:58,944
Consider it.

84
00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:01,680
- No.
- Come on.

85
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,349
That's the worst ghost
impression I've ever heard.

86
00:03:03,383 --> 00:03:05,351
This is the worst ghost
impression you've ever heard?

87
00:03:05,385 --> 00:03:07,653
I'm a ghost.

88
00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:10,189
There's way worse.

89
00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:13,392
Anything for me?

90
00:03:13,426 --> 00:03:15,294
Oh, no, this isn't our mail.
This is our neighbors' mail.

91
00:03:15,328 --> 00:03:17,296
You see, Viv likes it alphabetized.

92
00:03:17,330 --> 00:03:20,466
Yet Michelle likes it according to size.

93
00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:21,700
Hashtag "go figure," right?

94
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,269
Hashtag "did you see how I rhymed?"

95
00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:24,770
I want to choke you until your eyes

96
00:03:24,804 --> 00:03:26,572
literally pop out of your head.

97
00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:29,141
Those girls are not
going to sleep with you.

98
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:32,478
They are hot. And nothing is
less hot than a male secretary.

99
00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:36,382
What?

100
00:03:36,416 --> 00:03:38,384
I think somebody needs
to take a good long look

101
00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:41,554
at Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel.

102
00:03:41,588 --> 00:03:43,222
Dude's eyes are so pouchy

103
00:03:43,256 --> 00:03:45,991
he can barely see anything,
and he's still killing it.

104
00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:49,428
Girls don't have sex with
guys who sort their mail.

105
00:03:49,462 --> 00:03:52,331
I am playing the long game here, Coach,

106
00:03:52,365 --> 00:03:55,100
weaving myself into the
fabric of their lives.

107
00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:56,769
Pretty soon I'll be as permanent

108
00:03:56,803 --> 00:03:59,805
as the will that I helped them draw up.

109
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,807
Oh, Winston, thank God you're here.

110
00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,342
The toilet won't flush.

111
00:04:03,376 --> 00:04:04,343
Did you jiggle the handle?

112
00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:05,744
No, it's not working for us.

113
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,880
- Here.
- Oh.

114
00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:11,116
I'm not here to do any chores.

115
00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:12,818
You guys want to hang out tonight?

116
00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:14,186
- Sure. - Sure.
- Right on.

117
00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:15,554
Right on.
That's what's up.

118
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:18,324
Coach, I really
need my stilts and a plunger!

119
00:04:18,358 --> 00:04:20,860
Eh, I don't care.

120
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:22,461
I'm happy to lend you a bra,

121
00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:24,430
but I don't think I have
anything that would fit you.

122
00:04:24,464 --> 00:04:25,931
That's the Peter Pan.

123
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,500
That'll smash 'em down good,

124
00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:28,801
but you'll never get those in there.

125
00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:30,035
I know. I just wanted to see

126
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:31,637
what it would feel like to be your size.

127
00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:33,439
Are we doing, like,
a boob Freaky Friday?

128
00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:36,642
Because I don't want to lug
yours around. They're a load.

129
00:04:36,676 --> 00:04:38,477
I know. That's the whole point.
That's why all the women

130
00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:39,812
in my family have
back trouble, you know?

131
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:42,581
So, now that I have insurance though,

132
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:43,883
I was thinking maybe I could have, like,

133
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:45,284
breast reduction surgery.

134
00:04:45,318 --> 00:04:46,919
No!

135
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:51,757
I wonder who this is.

136
00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:53,559
What?

137
00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:56,228
It's a boob reduction, Schmidt.

138
00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:57,563
Just accept it.

139
00:04:57,597 --> 00:04:59,231
Acceptance is stage five.

140
00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:01,600
I'm grieving, Cece.
There are five stages of grief.

141
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,502
Stage one was denial.

142
00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:04,937
- This is not happening, this is not...
- Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

143
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:05,971
- You're not getting a boob reduction.
- Yes, I am.

144
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:06,972
- This is not happening.
- Yes, it is.

145
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,307
Stage two was anger.

146
00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:09,675
Your breasts belong to all of us!

147
00:05:09,709 --> 00:05:10,910
Okay.

148
00:05:10,944 --> 00:05:12,044
Who are you to decide?!

149
00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:13,846
Next will be stage four, depression.

150
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,514
And then stage five, acceptance.

151
00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:18,017
But right now, I'm firmly
planted in stage three,

152
00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:19,452
bargaining.

153
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,520
Dear God, if you stop Cece's
breast reduction, Okay.

154
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:24,223
- I'll circumcise Coach.
- Whoa, Coach.

155
00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:26,025
Go out with them tonight?
Doesn't make any sense, man.

156
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:28,027
And compromise the long game? Ha.

157
00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:30,029
Not until I replace their
rocker switches with dimmers.

158
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:32,164
Forget your long game,
Winston! Getting a girl

159
00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,166
to have sex with you is
not about planning ahead.

160
00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:35,734
It is about seizing opportunities

161
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:38,104
that you never saw coming.
It is instinct.

162
00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:39,271
All right? It is improv.

163
00:05:39,306 --> 00:05:40,706
It is jazz, man.

164
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:43,142
But with words. You dig?
And the words are,

165
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,777
"Oh, yeah, girl, I'm about to..."

166
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:52,051
Glen, my man, tell me something good.

167
00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:53,686
And you better not be trying to sell me

168
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,755
some non-dimmable
halogens, you son of a...

169
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:58,157
Where you at? Are you kidding me?

170
00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:02,428
Hey, buddy.

171
00:06:02,462 --> 00:06:05,297
You know what you need to
surround yourself with tonight?

172
00:06:05,332 --> 00:06:08,100
Four new boobs.

173
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:12,471
On two different women?

174
00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:13,806
You're damn right.

175
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:15,474
Take me to them.

176
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:19,812
Um, do you want to, like,
go find a bar, grab a drink?

177
00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:22,882
There's a bar that I like.

178
00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:25,851
It's called... my place.

179
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,454
Great. Uh, is it... You
think it'll be crowded?

180
00:06:28,488 --> 00:06:30,222
You know I'm talking
about my house, right?

181
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:31,791
Okay. Yeah, no, I wasn't...
I thought that was just

182
00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:33,559
- a clever name but now I do.
- No.

183
00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:35,628
And, yeah, let's go there.

184
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,932
Um, one thing I want to,

185
00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:42,101
uh, disclose to you in a very mature

186
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:45,071
adult way, I... live with my ex.

187
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:48,074
- Okay. Uh, yeah, you live with your ex.
- Yeah.

188
00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:49,508
But also three other guys.

189
00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:51,243
It's more zany than sexy.

190
00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:53,579
Okay. So it, like,
wasn't really serious?

191
00:06:53,613 --> 00:06:55,114
Oh, it was very serious.

192
00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:56,816
Did you say "I love you"?

193
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:59,018
Not until he said it.

194
00:06:59,052 --> 00:07:00,953
Uh, yeah, I don't think I can do this.

195
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:02,955
- I'm sorry. I just...
- What?

196
00:07:02,989 --> 00:07:05,191
I've been on so many weird dates lately.
I'm just looking

197
00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:06,592
- for something easier.
- I... No, Ian, Ian, Ian,

198
00:07:06,626 --> 00:07:08,627
Ian, Ian, look.

199
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:12,264
Yes, I live with my ex.

200
00:07:12,299 --> 00:07:14,834
But there's nothing to worry about.

201
00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:17,370
Because...

202
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:19,872
Nick. You're gay.

203
00:07:19,906 --> 00:07:20,706
- Huh?
- You're gay.

204
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,775
Be gay. Be gay. Be gay.

205
00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:23,776
Be gay?

206
00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:25,311
Hey.

207
00:07:25,345 --> 00:07:27,146
I just had to make sure
these animals flushed.

208
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:28,881
Oh. Not you, you fastidious queen.

209
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:31,350
Oh, y-you must be Nick.

210
00:07:31,385 --> 00:07:34,320
Well, friends call me Gay Nick.

211
00:07:37,489 --> 00:07:39,223
My perfect Sunday,
sitting here watching the game,

212
00:07:39,257 --> 00:07:41,058
eating a pot pie with a hot dude

213
00:07:41,092 --> 00:07:43,193
with no shirt on, on my lap kissing me.

214
00:07:43,228 --> 00:07:45,362
Right on, man. Right on, man.

215
00:07:45,397 --> 00:07:46,630
- All right.
- You got it.

216
00:07:48,033 --> 00:07:49,366
Uh, can I use your restroom?

217
00:07:49,401 --> 00:07:50,701
Yeah. It's down the hall to the right.

218
00:07:50,735 --> 00:07:52,302
Don't worry. I won't peek.

219
00:07:52,337 --> 00:07:54,204
But he wants to.

220
00:07:54,239 --> 00:07:55,606
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

221
00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:56,974
I should just tell him the truth.

222
00:07:57,008 --> 00:07:58,375
It's too late for the truth, Jess.

223
00:07:58,410 --> 00:07:59,810
You live with a gay man,

224
00:07:59,844 --> 00:08:01,245
and this gay man's
gonna help you get laid.

225
00:08:01,279 --> 00:08:03,947
- Okay. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

226
00:08:03,982 --> 00:08:05,549
Do you think you can play a gay man?

227
00:08:05,583 --> 00:08:07,384
I'm terrible at lying, I'm
terrific at make-believe.

228
00:08:07,419 --> 00:08:09,620
- Okay.
- Okay? But I need to know some backstory

229
00:08:09,654 --> 00:08:11,055
'cause it's very important to me.

230
00:08:11,089 --> 00:08:12,923
- Okay. Yeah, backstory's important.
- Okay.

231
00:08:12,957 --> 00:08:14,458
Tell me, have I always known I was gay,

232
00:08:14,492 --> 00:08:16,093
or did I just recently realize it?

233
00:08:16,127 --> 00:08:17,961
That's... Um, you-you
always knew you were gay,

234
00:08:17,996 --> 00:08:20,164
but you grew up in an oil town

235
00:08:20,198 --> 00:08:22,132
where masculinity was
the most valued currency.

236
00:08:22,167 --> 00:08:24,401
Um, you-you had an
older brother named Chip.

237
00:08:24,436 --> 00:08:26,370
- And Chip was a union guy.
- Yes.

238
00:08:26,404 --> 00:08:28,172
And if it wasn't about
Teamster Local 11,

239
00:08:28,206 --> 00:08:29,740
Chip didn't want to hear about it.

240
00:08:29,774 --> 00:08:31,008
Oh, my God, we're doing this.

241
00:08:31,042 --> 00:08:32,576
When I came out, was it flashy?

242
00:08:32,611 --> 00:08:34,044
Was it emotional?

243
00:08:34,079 --> 00:08:36,513
Am I mad that Anderson
Cooper doesn't fly the flag?

244
00:08:36,548 --> 00:08:39,550
Or for what he's doing in his
own way... is it even braver?

245
00:08:39,584 --> 00:08:41,652
These are all really good
questions, but I just can't

246
00:08:41,686 --> 00:08:43,821
get my mind off, like,
why you dress this way.

247
00:08:43,855 --> 00:08:46,190
- Why aren't you in better shape?
- Don't put me in a box!

248
00:08:46,224 --> 00:08:48,993
There's nothing we gay men hate
more than being put in a box.

249
00:08:49,027 --> 00:08:51,762
Look, maybe I'm a bear,
maybe I'm a twinkler.

250
00:08:51,796 --> 00:08:54,164
- That's not a category.
- I like rugby

251
00:08:54,199 --> 00:08:56,867
for the game and for the men.

252
00:08:56,901 --> 00:08:58,636
Now, if you excuse me, I got to go do

253
00:08:58,670 --> 00:09:00,070
that gay thing I was telling you about,

254
00:09:00,105 --> 00:09:02,006
because, of course, I'm gay as hell.

255
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:03,574
Bye.

256
00:09:03,608 --> 00:09:05,109
That's not how gay men talk.

257
00:09:05,143 --> 00:09:07,945
I am shattering stereotypes.

258
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:10,848
What are you doing here, man?

259
00:09:10,882 --> 00:09:12,249
I'm always here.

260
00:09:12,284 --> 00:09:14,084
Very definition of the long game.

261
00:09:14,119 --> 00:09:15,786
Forget your long game.
It doesn't...

262
00:09:15,820 --> 00:09:17,187
What is he...?

263
00:09:17,222 --> 00:09:19,723
What are you doing, man?

264
00:09:19,758 --> 00:09:21,926
Is this...?

265
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,395
Is this the fut... the future?

266
00:09:24,429 --> 00:09:26,931
I can hold them both in one hand.

267
00:09:26,965 --> 00:09:28,299
Yeah, man.

268
00:09:29,501 --> 00:09:31,201
No, no, there it is. Look at that.

269
00:09:31,236 --> 00:09:34,705
Stage four...
depression.

270
00:09:34,739 --> 00:09:37,308
My two best friends are going away.

271
00:09:37,342 --> 00:09:40,044
Going away far too soon.

272
00:09:40,078 --> 00:09:42,980
And if you were lucky
enough to meet them,

273
00:09:43,014 --> 00:09:46,383
to touch them, to be touched by them,

274
00:09:46,418 --> 00:09:48,385
you came away a better person.

275
00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:50,087
If you'll excuse me.

276
00:09:50,121 --> 00:09:51,889
Is he... is he talking about you guys?

277
00:09:51,923 --> 00:09:54,925
Yes. Yes, he is, uh...
he's talking about us.

278
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,628
We are, unfortunately,
we're going away... tomorrow.

279
00:09:57,662 --> 00:10:01,298
So, uh, we better make
tonight count, huh, ladies?

280
00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:02,800
Wait.

281
00:10:02,834 --> 00:10:04,401
We barely got to know you!

282
00:10:04,436 --> 00:10:06,737
How long will you be gone?

283
00:10:06,771 --> 00:10:09,440
For... for...

284
00:10:09,474 --> 00:10:11,442
- 44 weeks.
- 44 weeks?

285
00:10:11,476 --> 00:10:12,443
Tell them about our business, man.

286
00:10:12,477 --> 00:10:14,178
You don't have to be shy about it.

287
00:10:14,212 --> 00:10:16,146
- Uh, right.
- No. Yeah.

288
00:10:16,181 --> 00:10:18,182
Hello. Do you like socks?

289
00:10:18,216 --> 00:10:20,084
We sell socks.

290
00:10:20,118 --> 00:10:22,453
Everybody likes socks.

291
00:10:22,487 --> 00:10:25,189
- I just cried on my penis
while I was peeing. - Whoa.

292
00:10:25,223 --> 00:10:26,624
That happened.

293
00:10:26,658 --> 00:10:28,259
I just can't stop thinking about them.

294
00:10:29,995 --> 00:10:32,796
You know, there are some people
that are gonna say that they...

295
00:10:32,831 --> 00:10:34,665
they look alike.

296
00:10:34,699 --> 00:10:37,334
That they're exactly the
same. And you know what?

297
00:10:37,369 --> 00:10:39,270
They just don't know
them like I know them.

298
00:10:39,304 --> 00:10:40,971
Truth-truth be told?

299
00:10:41,006 --> 00:10:42,473
One of them...

300
00:10:42,507 --> 00:10:44,942
One of them is slightly
more brown than the other.

301
00:10:44,976 --> 00:10:46,677
And they're so unique,

302
00:10:46,711 --> 00:10:49,046
and they're so special.

303
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:50,748
You know what I'm gonna
miss most about them?

304
00:10:50,782 --> 00:10:53,617
Watching them bounce.

305
00:10:53,652 --> 00:10:55,386
Watching them...

306
00:10:55,420 --> 00:10:57,421
Watching them bounce.

307
00:11:05,931 --> 00:11:07,965
If you just give me a chance to exp...

308
00:11:07,999 --> 00:11:10,568
Well, easy come, easy go.

309
00:11:10,602 --> 00:11:13,370
Easy? Easy?!

310
00:11:13,405 --> 00:11:16,574
You just stole six
months of my life, man.

311
00:11:16,608 --> 00:11:20,144
I am... I am P.O.'d, hombre!

312
00:11:20,178 --> 00:11:21,745
Winston!

313
00:11:23,014 --> 00:11:24,582
- Can I get a high five?
- Bam.

314
00:11:26,218 --> 00:11:28,052
Sorry I called you a biscuit.

315
00:11:28,086 --> 00:11:29,753
I'm sorry I liked it so much.

316
00:11:29,788 --> 00:11:31,822
Hey, Jess, you in there?

317
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,257
Is that Nick?

318
00:11:33,291 --> 00:11:34,725
Do you mean Gay Nick?

319
00:11:34,759 --> 00:11:36,360
Yeah, that's Gay Nick.

320
00:11:38,964 --> 00:11:40,865
- I am so sorry.
- What's going on?

321
00:11:40,899 --> 00:11:43,267
I screwed up.

322
00:11:46,938 --> 00:11:48,339
- A girl, Nick?
- I know.

323
00:11:48,373 --> 00:11:49,707
Nick, really?

324
00:11:49,741 --> 00:11:51,542
Hey.

325
00:11:55,647 --> 00:11:57,948
You look like my dead friend Karen.

326
00:11:57,983 --> 00:12:00,451
- Does anyone ever tell you that?
- Hmm, no.

327
00:12:00,485 --> 00:12:02,386
- Thank you.
- Mm.

328
00:12:03,622 --> 00:12:05,456
What?!

329
00:12:05,490 --> 00:12:07,525
I wanted to be gay
for you, I really did,

330
00:12:07,559 --> 00:12:09,360
but it's a very hard time to be gay.

331
00:12:09,394 --> 00:12:11,462
Girls are wearing scarves and boots.

332
00:12:11,496 --> 00:12:13,130
They have so many layers to them.

333
00:12:13,165 --> 00:12:15,566
What is underneath all those
layers? I want to find out!

334
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,401
Are you blaming autumn?

335
00:12:17,435 --> 00:12:19,770
Look, it was one night. Get rid of her!

336
00:12:19,804 --> 00:12:22,373
I tried. I told her I live
with my ex, and she didn't care.

337
00:12:22,407 --> 00:12:24,308
You look so cute in the morning.

338
00:12:24,342 --> 00:12:26,143
You talking to me or her?

339
00:12:26,178 --> 00:12:28,712
Okay. I'll get rid of her.

340
00:12:28,747 --> 00:12:30,681
I'll just pretend to be
your crazy ex-girlfriend.

341
00:12:30,715 --> 00:12:33,617
I can do this. I did a one-woman
production of A Christmas Carol.

342
00:12:33,652 --> 00:12:36,554
You, sir, what day is it?

343
00:12:36,588 --> 00:12:38,756
Aye, it's Christmas day.

344
00:12:38,790 --> 00:12:41,392
That was not good.

345
00:12:41,426 --> 00:12:43,928
- It was perfect.
- Thank you. I thought you'd think that.

346
00:12:43,962 --> 00:12:45,396
- Yeah, it's perfect.
- All right, look,

347
00:12:45,430 --> 00:12:46,931
you stay here and keep
your gay warm, okay?

348
00:12:46,965 --> 00:12:49,333
In case Ian comes
back. Also, can we agree

349
00:12:49,367 --> 00:12:51,468
that this is not the most
mature way to handle things?

350
00:12:51,503 --> 00:12:52,570
Even though it's pretty fun.

351
00:12:52,604 --> 00:12:54,138
It's no fun a couple Bellinis

352
00:12:54,172 --> 00:12:56,340
and a round of apples
to apples can't solve.

353
00:12:56,374 --> 00:12:58,409
- What kind of gay are you?
- I'm still finding it.

354
00:12:58,443 --> 00:12:59,844
- All right.
- All right.

355
00:13:02,571 --> 00:13:04,483
Nick thinks we're broken up,
but he also thinks

356
00:13:04,661 --> 00:13:06,805
that the last girl he slept
with wasn't me in a wig.

357
00:13:08,410 --> 00:13:10,544
Wigs are so good for tricking guys.

358
00:13:11,580 --> 00:13:13,881
I'm around all the time.

359
00:13:13,916 --> 00:13:16,217
Do you really want to get
yourself in this situation?

360
00:13:16,251 --> 00:13:19,420
My last boyfriend was,
like, honestly in his 80s.

361
00:13:19,454 --> 00:13:22,556
I was just like, "Don't die, Myron."

362
00:13:22,591 --> 00:13:24,926
Does that answer your question?

363
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,594
Tell me everything you did sexually!

364
00:13:26,628 --> 00:13:28,496
Everything! All of it, or leave!

365
00:13:28,530 --> 00:13:29,830
- I put my finger...
- Stop!

366
00:13:29,865 --> 00:13:31,198
- But you asked...
- No.

367
00:13:31,233 --> 00:13:33,367
I-I did, but it backfired.

368
00:13:33,402 --> 00:13:34,869
Ah, so it is

369
00:13:34,903 --> 00:13:36,737
load bearing, huh?

370
00:13:36,772 --> 00:13:38,205
What are you doing?

371
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:40,975
Me? Oh, well, first, I'm
putting up the shelves.

372
00:13:41,009 --> 00:13:42,777
Then I got to finish the floor,

373
00:13:42,811 --> 00:13:45,513
so that the shelves can
appear level, then the ceiling.

374
00:13:45,547 --> 00:13:48,249
Enough! All right? You've
done enough for these women.

375
00:13:48,283 --> 00:13:50,284
Look, ladies, I tried to manipulate you,

376
00:13:50,319 --> 00:13:51,986
and I am sorry about that, but

377
00:13:52,020 --> 00:13:54,488
you guys have been manipulating
my friend for months.

378
00:13:54,523 --> 00:13:57,692
It is not okay. Just dangling
sex like a little carrot.

379
00:13:57,726 --> 00:14:00,261
We are not using sex to
get Winston to do stuff.

380
00:14:00,295 --> 00:14:01,262
No.

381
00:14:01,296 --> 00:14:04,332
- Wait. You're not?
- No.

382
00:14:04,366 --> 00:14:05,499
Well, then he's done doing stuff.

383
00:14:05,534 --> 00:14:07,602
Come on, Winston.
You're better than this.

384
00:14:07,636 --> 00:14:09,403
Forget you guys.

385
00:14:09,438 --> 00:14:10,438
Wait!

386
00:14:10,472 --> 00:14:12,773
Yeah, just-just give us a minute.

387
00:14:12,808 --> 00:14:14,575
- Okay, we have to talk about...
- Okay.

388
00:14:14,610 --> 00:14:16,777
- What are they whispering about?
- I don't know.

389
00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:18,179
We could just stack the books.

390
00:14:18,213 --> 00:14:19,614
No... No.

391
00:14:19,648 --> 00:14:21,749
Oh, man, this is embarrassing.

392
00:14:24,019 --> 00:14:25,286
Uh...

393
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,688
Okay. It's me.

394
00:14:27,723 --> 00:14:29,123
Come on.

395
00:14:29,157 --> 00:14:30,157
What?

396
00:14:30,192 --> 00:14:32,326
Wait. Listen. Um...

397
00:14:32,361 --> 00:14:33,394
Michelle, you don't have to do this.

398
00:14:33,428 --> 00:14:34,629
That's okay. I kind of want to.

399
00:14:34,663 --> 00:14:36,864
Just, uh, keep the
pencil behind your ear,

400
00:14:36,899 --> 00:14:40,735
and bring the hard hat,
um, and the safety goggles.

401
00:14:43,171 --> 00:14:46,841
Long game.

402
00:14:53,181 --> 00:14:55,349
Wonder what's taking, uh, Jess so long.

403
00:14:55,384 --> 00:14:56,817
Well, you know women.

404
00:14:56,852 --> 00:14:58,219
What's women?

405
00:15:01,423 --> 00:15:04,325
Am I right? "What's women?"

406
00:15:04,359 --> 00:15:06,928
I just don't know them like
you know them, is my point.

407
00:15:06,962 --> 00:15:08,162
Uh-huh.

408
00:15:08,197 --> 00:15:12,033
Uh, so, what kind of
guys do you like to date?

409
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:13,267
Me? All kinds.

410
00:15:13,302 --> 00:15:14,735
Yeah.

411
00:15:14,770 --> 00:15:18,773
Hunks. If I can get my, uh,
paws on a hunk, I don't let go.

412
00:15:18,807 --> 00:15:21,242
Uh, ripped nerds.

413
00:15:21,276 --> 00:15:23,578
'Cause they're smart
but strong, I guess.

414
00:15:23,612 --> 00:15:25,446
- Uh-huh.
- I like Spanish guys.

415
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,882
Throw in a little, uh,
hint of German in there,

416
00:15:27,916 --> 00:15:29,517
there's a perfect combo.

417
00:15:29,551 --> 00:15:30,851
Okay.

418
00:15:30,886 --> 00:15:32,987
Certain ice cream men, I guess.

419
00:15:33,021 --> 00:15:35,423
Carpet steamers. Sleepy guys.

420
00:15:35,457 --> 00:15:38,292
Uh, we in the gay community
call them "drowsers."

421
00:15:38,327 --> 00:15:39,794
Why would you like a sleepy guy?

422
00:15:39,828 --> 00:15:41,963
Look... I'm so out of the game...

423
00:15:41,997 --> 00:15:43,197
I'm in a relationship.

424
00:15:43,232 --> 00:15:44,532
Um...

425
00:15:44,566 --> 00:15:46,100
he's got a nice penis.

426
00:15:46,134 --> 00:15:48,102
You're sweating a lot.

427
00:15:48,136 --> 00:15:49,804
That's what he said! Am I right?

428
00:15:51,273 --> 00:15:54,542
I'm a sweaty lover,
is what he says to me.

429
00:15:54,576 --> 00:15:56,377
Okay, you know, you
really don't seem gay.

430
00:15:56,411 --> 00:15:58,613
I don't buy it.

431
00:15:59,982 --> 00:16:02,750
Hey. Not now.

432
00:16:02,784 --> 00:16:04,485
Probably wondering why I
didn't come home last night.

433
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:07,588
Just needed some space to
process this whole thing.

434
00:16:07,623 --> 00:16:09,323
I'm sorry if our room felt empty.

435
00:16:12,294 --> 00:16:13,995
Well, it did.

436
00:16:14,029 --> 00:16:15,663
I was really worried about you.

437
00:16:15,697 --> 00:16:17,865
So where were you?
You owe me that much.

438
00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:20,501
I just went walking on
the streets last night.

439
00:16:20,536 --> 00:16:22,837
I needed to come to terms with all this.

440
00:16:22,871 --> 00:16:25,773
Ended up in a park.
I know that's stupid,

441
00:16:25,808 --> 00:16:27,108
but I promise I was careful.

442
00:16:27,142 --> 00:16:28,476
I mean, I was totally safe.

443
00:16:28,510 --> 00:16:29,744
A park?

444
00:16:29,778 --> 00:16:31,679
- I don't know, man.
- Hey,

445
00:16:31,713 --> 00:16:34,215
I'm upset... but I understand.

446
00:16:34,249 --> 00:16:35,850
It's okay.

447
00:16:35,884 --> 00:16:37,018
Come here.

448
00:16:38,554 --> 00:16:40,354
Come here.

449
00:16:40,389 --> 00:16:42,156
There, there.

450
00:16:46,228 --> 00:16:47,662
Thanks.

451
00:16:47,696 --> 00:16:48,429
Yeah.

452
00:16:48,463 --> 00:16:50,364
Acceptance. Wow.

453
00:16:50,399 --> 00:16:51,165
Yeah.

454
00:16:53,335 --> 00:16:55,336
Give me a kiss.

455
00:16:57,072 --> 00:16:58,806
Just give me a kiss.

456
00:16:58,841 --> 00:17:00,174
All right?

457
00:17:03,645 --> 00:17:05,880
I felt like you needed
that more than I did.

458
00:17:08,183 --> 00:17:09,851
You're scruff, by the way, is perfect.

459
00:17:09,885 --> 00:17:12,153
- Don't touch your beard trimming setting.
- Okay.

460
00:17:13,188 --> 00:17:14,655
- Take it easy.
- Okay.

461
00:17:16,225 --> 00:17:17,692
That was beautiful.

462
00:17:17,726 --> 00:17:18,960
I'm-I'm sorry, you know?

463
00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:20,828
I think I'm just more used to, like,

464
00:17:20,863 --> 00:17:22,497
stereotypical gay guys,
like him, you know?

465
00:17:22,531 --> 00:17:24,332
- You offended me.
- I'm sorry.

466
00:17:24,366 --> 00:17:27,635
Ian! Ian! Hi. There are some
events that are about to occur

467
00:17:27,669 --> 00:17:28,903
that I'd like to get ahead of.

468
00:17:28,937 --> 00:17:30,771
Um, the truth is that Nick is...

469
00:17:30,806 --> 00:17:32,673
Oh, God.

470
00:17:34,576 --> 00:17:36,077
Get off of me!

471
00:17:36,111 --> 00:17:37,845
You're not a man!

472
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:44,329
Ian! Wait. I'm so sorry I lied,

473
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:46,631
and you don't owe me
anything, but could I just

474
00:17:46,665 --> 00:17:48,399
ask you one thing before you leave?

475
00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:50,068
- What is this, an exit interview?
- Is there any good way

476
00:17:50,102 --> 00:17:52,804
I could have told you
about my living situation?

477
00:17:52,838 --> 00:17:55,473
Okay, you know what?
Fair question. Um... no!

478
00:17:55,507 --> 00:17:57,442
Look, Nick was just
trying to help me. Clearly,

479
00:17:57,476 --> 00:17:59,677
he would do anything for
you. I mean, he went so far

480
00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:02,046
as to hire an actual gay man
to play his cheating lover.

481
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:05,183
What? Oh, my God. You know what?

482
00:18:05,217 --> 00:18:06,584
I think that was Schmidt.

483
00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:08,252
He's... not gay.

484
00:18:08,287 --> 00:18:10,288
When are the lies gonna stop?!

485
00:18:10,322 --> 00:18:11,689
Now, this is just a consultation,

486
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:13,091
so do your best to relax.

487
00:18:13,125 --> 00:18:14,092
Okay.

488
00:18:14,126 --> 00:18:15,093
Stop the surgery!

489
00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:17,962
This is just a consultation.

490
00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:19,163
May we have the room, please?

491
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:21,199
That's what it's here for.

492
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:22,100
I'm sorry.

493
00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:27,372
- What are you doing?!
- Okay, look, I know

494
00:18:27,406 --> 00:18:30,074
I can't stop this, and I accept that,

495
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,876
but I just wanted to stop it long enough

496
00:18:31,910 --> 00:18:33,344
so that I could say good-bye.

497
00:18:33,379 --> 00:18:37,115
Aw. Look, this is a
low-risk procedure, okay?

498
00:18:37,149 --> 00:18:38,750
I'm gonna be fine.

499
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,885
Oh, you meant say good-bye to my boobs.

500
00:18:40,919 --> 00:18:42,487
I forgot who I was talking to.

501
00:18:42,521 --> 00:18:45,056
No, Schmidt, you cannot see my boobs.

502
00:18:45,090 --> 00:18:47,158
I need to look them in the
eyes. I can't let them leave

503
00:18:47,192 --> 00:18:48,927
without knowing how
much they've meant to me.

504
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,194
- I'll let them know.
- No.

505
00:18:50,229 --> 00:18:52,163
I need to tell them myself.

506
00:18:52,197 --> 00:18:54,566
All right...

507
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,302
you can say good-bye to one, all right?

508
00:18:57,336 --> 00:18:59,003
- I mean, j-just one?
- One.

509
00:18:59,038 --> 00:19:01,706
Gosh almighty.

510
00:19:01,740 --> 00:19:04,075
The Ultimate Sophie's Cho-Cho.

511
00:19:04,109 --> 00:19:06,010
I mean, there's Harold, who's just...

512
00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:08,079
full of life...

513
00:19:09,448 --> 00:19:12,417
And Kumar, who's shy.

514
00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:15,486
Who's shy, but yet
surprisingly so brave.

515
00:19:15,521 --> 00:19:18,556
But, you know, who wouldn't be
with a best friend like Harold?

516
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:20,091
Oh, my God, fine!

517
00:19:20,125 --> 00:19:21,893
You can say good-bye to both, okay?

518
00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:24,329
- Okay. I need you to put these on.
- What?

519
00:19:24,363 --> 00:19:27,932
This is a private conversation
that doesn't concern you.

520
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:29,367
The playlist...

521
00:19:29,401 --> 00:19:31,236
matches the mood.

522
00:20:06,272 --> 00:20:08,139
I mean, I guess if I'm being honest,

523
00:20:08,173 --> 00:20:10,942
it doesn't matter what size you are.

524
00:20:10,976 --> 00:20:12,810
I'm always gonna love you,

525
00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:15,113
because you're attached to
the most beautiful person

526
00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:16,748
in the whole world.

527
00:20:22,788 --> 00:20:24,722
You know what I think? I think

528
00:20:24,757 --> 00:20:27,091
that when people go on dates with us,

529
00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:28,359
probably talk to their friends

530
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:29,727
and their friends say,

531
00:20:29,762 --> 00:20:31,996
"You go on dates with a lot of weirdos."

532
00:20:32,031 --> 00:20:33,498
Oh, my God.

533
00:20:33,532 --> 00:20:36,401
We're the weirdo ass clowns.

534
00:20:36,435 --> 00:20:39,737
Aw, no. Everyone in their 30s
waits in line for the shower.

535
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:43,641
I'm sorry, but the truth is,
as long as you live with me,

536
00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:45,577
you're not gonna meet a normal guy.

537
00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:48,746
Why are you guys all in here?

538
00:20:48,781 --> 00:20:50,481
Winston's taking a long-ass shower.

539
00:20:50,516 --> 00:20:51,649
Poor guy gets dirty.

540
00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:52,851
All right, let me see the new.

541
00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:54,018
I accept it.

542
00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:55,787
Again, it was just a consultation.

543
00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:58,356
And actually, I don't even know
if I'm gonna go through with it.

544
00:20:58,390 --> 00:21:00,291
You're still here. I saved you.

545
00:21:00,326 --> 00:21:01,993
I'm your Schindler.
One day, your children

546
00:21:02,027 --> 00:21:03,862
are gonna put rocks on my grave.

547
00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:06,598
Hey, uh, wow. You guys
mind if I get cuts?

548
00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:09,000
- 'Cause I am very dirty.
- Wait a minute.

549
00:21:09,034 --> 00:21:10,001
Who's in the sh...

550
00:21:10,035 --> 00:21:11,703
Hey, what's the vibe here

551
00:21:11,737 --> 00:21:12,871
on shower pee-pee?

552
00:21:12,905 --> 00:21:14,706
I'm just trying to plan my day.

553
00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:16,574
Who is this woman?!

554
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,710
You have awesome water pressure.

555
00:21:18,744 --> 00:21:22,514
You should see what's
falling out of my hair.

556
00:21:22,548 --> 00:21:24,048
Well, Nick...

557
00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:26,184
looks like you're
gonna have to marry her.

558
00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:28,336
- It's looking that way, isn't it?
- Yeah.

559
00:21:29,170 --> 00:21:31,028
- She's not so bad.
- She's peeing in the shower.

560
00:21:31,063 --> 00:21:33,508
- Yeah, she is.
- That's weird.

561
00:21:33,822 --> 00:21:34,962
Classic Tina.

562
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:37,404
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com