1
00:00:00,425 --> 00:00:04,025
Gingy, who did you harm?

2
00:00:04,150 --> 00:00:07,310
Gingy, who ate your arm?

3
00:00:07,350 --> 00:00:09,080
It was...

4
00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:11,450
Santa!

5
00:00:12,690 --> 00:00:14,450
No!

6
00:00:14,490 --> 00:00:15,690
This is pretty dark.

7
00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:17,160
We will rescue you, Gingy!

8
00:00:17,190 --> 00:00:18,690
Wait till they get to the North Pole

9
00:00:18,730 --> 00:00:21,630
to avenge his death
and take it way too far.

10
00:00:21,660 --> 00:00:24,100
Santa's been a bad boy,
and that's not right

11
00:00:24,130 --> 00:00:26,670
The white-bearded
devil's gonna die tonight!

12
00:00:26,700 --> 00:00:28,780
But I'm proud of that. They
worked really hard on it.

13
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:32,770
Do you want to visit the prop closet?

14
00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:43,550
Okay, just two more hours,

15
00:00:43,580 --> 00:00:46,190
and then it's ten days
down a wine bottle.

16
00:00:49,190 --> 00:00:50,820
Oh, my gosh.

17
00:00:50,860 --> 00:00:53,790
All this sneaking around, I
feel like gay guys in the '50s.

18
00:00:53,830 --> 00:00:56,160
I can't believe you're
going to London tonight.

19
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:58,030
I'm gonna miss you so much.

20
00:00:58,070 --> 00:00:59,470
- Come with me.
- What?

21
00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:01,230
Spend Christmas with
my family in London.

22
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:04,570
That's, like, skipping
seven relationship steps.

23
00:01:04,610 --> 00:01:06,810
- What do you mean?
- Do you really want your whole family

24
00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:09,680
to meet the weird American
girl that you're making out with

25
00:01:09,710 --> 00:01:12,080
in a prop closet who's also your boss?

26
00:01:12,110 --> 00:01:14,510
- Yeah. - Everything's been
going really, really well.

27
00:01:14,550 --> 00:01:15,980
What if I use the wrong fork?

28
00:01:16,020 --> 00:01:17,250
You won't use the wrong fork,

29
00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:18,720
'cause I'll make sure

30
00:01:18,750 --> 00:01:19,850
that you-you don't.

31
00:01:19,890 --> 00:01:21,090
No, it'll be very casual.

32
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:22,420
And I don't care what they think,

33
00:01:22,460 --> 00:01:23,820
'cause I like you, and I want

34
00:01:23,860 --> 00:01:25,360
to spend Christmas with you in London.

35
00:01:25,390 --> 00:01:27,360
I've never been to Europe. I...

36
00:01:27,390 --> 00:01:28,830
We'll stroll through Hyde Park,

37
00:01:28,860 --> 00:01:30,830
empty townhouses owned
by Russian billionaires.

38
00:01:30,860 --> 00:01:32,370
We're gonna go to Big Ben.

39
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,170
I'll take on-on the wheel, the Eye.

40
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:35,540
We'll eat cheese on the
wheel and-and make out.

41
00:01:35,570 --> 00:01:38,340
Uh, we're gonna ride black
taxicabs even to places

42
00:01:38,370 --> 00:01:40,010
where we don't need to
go and we're not invited.

43
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,440
- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Yes!

44
00:01:45,810 --> 00:01:48,410
Okay, Alan.

45
00:01:48,450 --> 00:01:50,880
You did your best.

46
00:01:51,975 --> 00:01:55,275
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com

47
00:01:58,260 --> 00:02:00,030
Why did I agree to ride to
the airport with everyone?

48
00:02:00,060 --> 00:02:01,560
I'm an aspiring millionaire.

49
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,360
I should be taking a Town Car,

50
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,600
not packed six-deep
like a Hasidic family

51
00:02:05,630 --> 00:02:07,200
going to the bulk foods store.

52
00:02:07,230 --> 00:02:09,700
Relax, Schmidt, we're
all riding together

53
00:02:09,740 --> 00:02:11,100
so that we can hang out

54
00:02:11,140 --> 00:02:13,370
before we all go to our
magical destinations.

55
00:02:13,410 --> 00:02:15,240
Magical? I'm going back
home to Long Island,

56
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,040
the birthplace of the female crew cut.

57
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:18,950
Yeah, and I'm going all the
way to New York because my mom

58
00:02:18,980 --> 00:02:21,210
wants to hand-deliver a
Christmas card to Matt Lauer,

59
00:02:21,250 --> 00:02:22,920
but you, Jess,

60
00:02:22,950 --> 00:02:24,120
you're going...

61
00:02:24,150 --> 00:02:25,670
To London!

62
00:02:25,690 --> 00:02:27,150
'Ello, guvnor.

63
00:02:27,190 --> 00:02:28,960
You got to stop it with that accent.

64
00:02:28,990 --> 00:02:30,960
- Fancy a tickle?
- Borderline racist.

65
00:02:30,990 --> 00:02:32,890
Check it out. I'm coming in
hot with gifts for the family.

66
00:02:32,930 --> 00:02:34,960
- I'm ready for anything.
- Is that a wallet necklace?

67
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:36,800
Yeah, so I don't get pickpocketed.

68
00:02:36,830 --> 00:02:38,970
Smart. Keep that money
away from them Gypsies.

69
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:40,400
Are you nervous about
meeting his family?

70
00:02:40,430 --> 00:02:42,000
No, no. Yes.

71
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:43,200
All right, here's the plan.

72
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:44,670
We're at O'Hare at 8:00,

73
00:02:44,710 --> 00:02:47,340
O'Leary's at 9:00, we're drunk by 6:00.

74
00:02:47,370 --> 00:02:49,310
See what I did there?
We're drinking on the plane.

75
00:02:49,340 --> 00:02:51,280
Man, I love Christmas Eve Eve
at O'Leary's.

76
00:02:51,310 --> 00:02:53,350
I always get laid. See, here,

77
00:02:53,380 --> 00:02:54,410
I'm a six, sixish.

78
00:02:54,450 --> 00:02:56,080
Uh, but I'm a Chicago ten.

79
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:57,750
Yeah. I'm a six, man?
Maybe a little higher.

80
00:02:57,790 --> 00:02:59,090
- Seven.
- But I'm... I'm a seven, thank you.

81
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:01,190
Plus Nick is dating Kai now,

82
00:03:01,220 --> 00:03:02,790
which means I'm getting the butt.

83
00:03:02,820 --> 00:03:04,190
I'm getting all the butt.

84
00:03:04,220 --> 00:03:05,990
I made you guys some snack bags.

85
00:03:06,030 --> 00:03:07,190
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh.

86
00:03:07,230 --> 00:03:08,430
You're like my mom,

87
00:03:08,460 --> 00:03:09,930
but in ways I can appreciate.

88
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,370
Hey, Coach, what's taking you so long?

89
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:15,540
There he is.

90
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:17,140
I know what you're all thinking.

91
00:03:17,170 --> 00:03:18,710
You think I'm selfish
for going on vacation

92
00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:20,670
instead of going to
Detroit to see my family.

93
00:03:20,710 --> 00:03:22,440
Not thinking that; very defensive.

94
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,940
I live with a million
people. Four people.

95
00:03:24,980 --> 00:03:27,210
There are going to be a million
people at my mother's house.

96
00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:29,520
I need some me time. And
yes, I will be sad to miss

97
00:03:29,550 --> 00:03:31,680
my baby niece and all
of her Christmas joy,

98
00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:33,850
but I've made a decision
that I'm happy with,

99
00:03:33,890 --> 00:03:36,490
and it hasn't been
giving me stomach pains.

100
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:37,790
- You seem really great.
- Yeah.

101
00:03:37,830 --> 00:03:39,830
- I feel good.
- Can we please go?!

102
00:03:39,860 --> 00:03:41,330
- Yeah!
- Let's go to the airport!

103
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:42,460
Christmas!

104
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,200
- I'm getting in.
- No, no, no, no.

105
00:03:51,210 --> 00:03:53,170
- Too late.
- Okay.

106
00:03:53,210 --> 00:03:55,380
Oh, yeah.

107
00:03:55,410 --> 00:03:56,910
Loving the new Ford Fusion!

108
00:03:56,940 --> 00:03:58,710
- You don't stink at all, man.
- Nice.

109
00:03:58,750 --> 00:04:01,580
- Are you wet?
- Just my bottom.

110
00:04:01,620 --> 00:04:02,980
Check out how roomy this is.

111
00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:04,650
You could open a hat store in here.

112
00:04:04,690 --> 00:04:06,550
- Why would I do that?
- That tree's cool.

113
00:04:06,590 --> 00:04:09,360
- What's it doing?
- It coaches you to drive more efficiently.

114
00:04:09,390 --> 00:04:10,890
Oh, look at that. Your
name is Coach. That's fun.

115
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:12,590
I don't know why that's
fun to me, but it is.

116
00:04:12,630 --> 00:04:14,160
Pretty funny, I...

117
00:04:14,190 --> 00:04:16,430
Hey, Outside Dave, will
you take a holiday picture?

118
00:04:16,460 --> 00:04:18,030
Well, I'd prefer to paint you,

119
00:04:18,070 --> 00:04:20,270
but it appears time
is pressed against us.

120
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:23,040
All right.

121
00:04:23,070 --> 00:04:25,270
Let me get a good filter.

122
00:04:25,310 --> 00:04:26,410
Okay, now pretend

123
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:27,870
you're really thirsty,

124
00:04:27,910 --> 00:04:29,840
but the only thing that
can quench your thirst

125
00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:32,380
is the tears from a
golden retriever. Go.

126
00:04:32,410 --> 00:04:34,250
Oh, that's good.

127
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:36,180
Aaaaaand....

128
00:04:36,220 --> 00:04:37,520
got it.

129
00:04:37,550 --> 00:04:39,990
Welcome to Los Angeles
International Airport.

130
00:04:52,430 --> 00:04:54,900
Excuse me, what's going on?

131
00:04:54,940 --> 00:04:57,070
Midwest storm. Everything's delayed.

132
00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:58,400
God have mercy on us all.

133
00:04:59,310 --> 00:05:00,310
Ow! Ow!

134
00:05:00,340 --> 00:05:02,110
Move, white bitch!

135
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,970
Ryan, hi.

136
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,710
My flight's delayed.

137
00:05:10,740 --> 00:05:13,310
Please tell your parents
this is not like me.

138
00:05:13,340 --> 00:05:14,610
I am never late.

139
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:16,600
On time or naked is what I always say.

140
00:05:16,610 --> 00:05:17,980
I've never said that.

141
00:05:18,010 --> 00:05:20,320
I'll be fully clothed, but late.

142
00:05:20,350 --> 00:05:21,950
I'll talk to you later.

143
00:05:21,980 --> 00:05:23,990
Okay, I got this. Coach,
your flight's okay.

144
00:05:24,020 --> 00:05:25,650
Thanks, Jess. I'm going to go find

145
00:05:25,690 --> 00:05:28,590
a charging station so I can,
uh, call my niece before Hawaii.

146
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:31,460
Everyone stop looking at me!

147
00:05:31,490 --> 00:05:33,630
Cece and Schmidt,
you're on the red-eye.

148
00:05:33,660 --> 00:05:35,400
The red-eye? What do I
look like, a 24-year-old

149
00:05:35,430 --> 00:05:37,630
who's too afraid to break up
with his college girlfriend?

150
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:39,770
I mean, thank you for this.

151
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:41,940
Nick and Winston, I got you guys.

152
00:05:41,970 --> 00:05:43,140
Next.

153
00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:45,340
Hi. Hi.

154
00:05:45,370 --> 00:05:48,080
First and foremost, I'd like to
wish you a very merry Christmas.

155
00:05:48,110 --> 00:05:50,180
Next.

156
00:05:50,210 --> 00:05:51,950
Uh, right.

157
00:05:51,980 --> 00:05:54,250
Um, my friends are trying
to get on the Chicago flight.

158
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,180
Uh, Winston Bishop and Nick Miller.

159
00:05:56,220 --> 00:05:58,020
Yeah, standby, tenth
and 11th on the list.

160
00:05:58,050 --> 00:05:59,620
I really appreciate that,

161
00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:00,790
but...

162
00:06:00,820 --> 00:06:03,020
is there any way you could get...

163
00:06:03,060 --> 00:06:04,860
Nope. And now they're 12th and 13th.

164
00:06:04,890 --> 00:06:06,930
I'm sorry. I was...

165
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,100
Don't apologize. 14, 15.

166
00:06:09,130 --> 00:06:10,700
I didn't apologize.

167
00:06:10,730 --> 00:06:11,670
16, 17.

168
00:06:11,700 --> 00:06:13,470
Sir.

169
00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:14,940
You seem like a reasonable person.

170
00:06:14,970 --> 00:06:16,500
I'm not and you're at 18 and 19.

171
00:06:16,540 --> 00:06:17,870
Okay... You know what?

172
00:06:17,910 --> 00:06:19,370
You want mean, I'll give you mean.

173
00:06:19,410 --> 00:06:21,280
I hope your mom falls down the stairs

174
00:06:21,310 --> 00:06:22,980
and she hurts parts of herself.

175
00:06:23,010 --> 00:06:25,380
I hate my mom. Back to 16 and 17.

176
00:06:25,410 --> 00:06:27,650
- Thank you.
- Don't thank me. 18, 19.

177
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:28,950
It's Christmas.

178
00:06:28,980 --> 00:06:30,820
Oh, I didn't know that.

179
00:06:30,850 --> 00:06:33,020
I thought they just did a black
version of Annie for no reason.

180
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,290
20, 21.

181
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:35,390
- You...
- 22, 23.

182
00:06:35,420 --> 00:06:36,660
- But...
- 24, 25.

183
00:06:36,690 --> 00:06:38,130
- Sir.
- They're on the wing, dear.

184
00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:40,800
Next?

185
00:06:40,830 --> 00:06:43,200
- No.
- Next?

186
00:06:43,230 --> 00:06:45,470
Stop pushing.

187
00:06:46,270 --> 00:06:48,170
Flight 202
to Dallas - Fort Worth cancelled.

188
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,510
Hey, let's wait in
the first-class lounge,

189
00:06:51,540 --> 00:06:53,170
like the other HBO GO subscribers.

190
00:06:53,210 --> 00:06:55,240
- You're a member?
- Cece, I grew up on the mean streets

191
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,910
of Long Island, just gazing up
at the Manhattan city skyline,

192
00:06:58,950 --> 00:07:00,980
thinking, "You know what,
one day, I'm gonna get there."

193
00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:03,750
That first-class
lounge is my Manhattan.

194
00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:05,720
"Greatest discovery of all time

195
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,720
"is that a person can change his future

196
00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:11,260
by merely changing his attitude."

197
00:07:11,290 --> 00:07:13,030
Oprah Winfrey.

198
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,770
Sir, may I help you? Are you a member?

199
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,430
I just had an incredible layover.

200
00:07:19,470 --> 00:07:21,440
Flew in from Istanbul. I just
need to lay down for a while.

201
00:07:21,470 --> 00:07:23,910
- I'm a little...
- Okay? Certainly. Uh, do you have

202
00:07:23,940 --> 00:07:25,540
a first-class ticket
or a membership card?

203
00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:26,940
Do I have a... a membership card?

204
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,110
Let me ask you something.
I tend to, uh...

205
00:07:28,140 --> 00:07:29,510
tend to deal with, uh,

206
00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:30,910
- Sarah Beth.
- I'm not aware of a Sarah Beth, sir.

207
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:32,250
The last time I talked to her,

208
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:33,680
she was suffering from the diabetes.

209
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,120
Is she still on the inhaler?

210
00:07:35,150 --> 00:07:36,380
- Uh...
- Did she pass?

211
00:07:36,420 --> 00:07:38,090
She passed, didn't she?

212
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:39,750
- I'm afraid I...
- I'm gonna need a minute.

213
00:07:39,790 --> 00:07:41,220
I'm just gonna go inside,
sit down, just kind of take...

214
00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:43,360
- Are you a member, sir?
- Am I a mem...?

215
00:07:43,390 --> 00:07:45,190
Can we just get two
guest passes, please?

216
00:07:45,230 --> 00:07:46,730
- Of course.
- Thank you.

217
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:48,530
That's a real thing... guest passes?

218
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:49,560
Yes, sir.

219
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:51,430
Okay. It's a debit card.

220
00:07:51,470 --> 00:07:53,370
Is Ro-Ro done yet? Damn.

221
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,870
Okay, uh, have her call me,
but m-my phone's about to d...

222
00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:58,810
My ph... Hello?

223
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:00,440
Damn it.

224
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,710
Really? Phone and a laptop?

225
00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:03,750
You're playing solitaire?

226
00:08:03,780 --> 00:08:05,380
Is that a keyboard?

227
00:08:05,410 --> 00:08:07,380
Dude, come on!

228
00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:09,550
Why we should've taken trains.

229
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:10,890
The sky's too fickle.

230
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:12,720
It's the play place for butterflies.

231
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,060
"Can't wait to see you.

232
00:08:14,090 --> 00:08:15,290
House at the end of the lane"?

233
00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,190
Oh, no, no, no, no.

234
00:08:18,660 --> 00:08:21,100
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- What?

235
00:08:21,130 --> 00:08:22,930
This is where Ryan lives.

236
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:24,670
- Whoa!
- What?

237
00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:25,730
It's a gorgeous mansion.

238
00:08:25,770 --> 00:08:27,740
He said it was casual.

239
00:08:27,770 --> 00:08:30,510
Does "casual" mean something
very different in England?

240
00:08:30,540 --> 00:08:33,410
Like... like "we own England"?

241
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:34,940
That's some McDuck money!

242
00:08:34,980 --> 00:08:37,150
That's "do whatever I want" money.

243
00:08:37,180 --> 00:08:39,610
- Exactly. - You better learn
how to ride a polo horse.

244
00:08:39,650 --> 00:08:41,450
It's actually a polio horse.

245
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,520
Uh, originally they were
bred as helper horses

246
00:08:43,550 --> 00:08:45,650
for people with polio,
but I don't think anything

247
00:08:45,690 --> 00:08:47,650
of what I just said was correct, so...

248
00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:50,140
What is...? Are you all right?

249
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:51,430
Hey. My flight's delayed.

250
00:08:51,460 --> 00:08:52,990
Might not even meet
his very rich family.

251
00:08:53,030 --> 00:08:55,700
Anyway, you guys should
go to your-your gate.

252
00:08:55,730 --> 00:08:58,950
Get out of here, you
Christmas... packages.

253
00:08:59,020 --> 00:09:01,400
- All right. Merry Christmas.
- All right, let's... Yeah.

254
00:09:01,475 --> 00:09:03,170
- Okay. Yeah.
- All of that good stuff.

255
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,970
- See you later.
- Safe travels.

256
00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:14,550
Is that a falcon wearing a necklace?

257
00:09:18,075 --> 00:09:19,550
- Can I help you?
- Sir...

258
00:09:20,130 --> 00:09:22,100
I'd like the strongest drink you have,

259
00:09:22,130 --> 00:09:24,200
and also a wine spritzer on the side

260
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,500
in case I don't like it.

261
00:09:26,540 --> 00:09:28,170
Thank you.

262
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,920
Looks like somebody's not so merry.

263
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:34,280
Come on.

264
00:09:34,310 --> 00:09:35,540
Are you...?

265
00:09:37,580 --> 00:09:39,380
Okay, um... that's silly.

266
00:09:39,420 --> 00:09:41,120
I really want this to be true.

267
00:09:41,150 --> 00:09:43,020
What seems to be troubling you?

268
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:45,320
I just found out that my
boyfriend is... is really rich,

269
00:09:45,350 --> 00:09:47,460
and there's no way his
parents are gonna like me,

270
00:09:47,490 --> 00:09:49,190
and he's... Well, have you ever

271
00:09:49,220 --> 00:09:51,060
thought that the world
is just full of sloths,

272
00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:53,130
and then one day, this
beautiful lion walks in?

273
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,300
Actually, you've probably
never thought that way, Santa.

274
00:09:55,330 --> 00:09:57,330
Can I just go ahead and call you Santa?

275
00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:59,870
Anyway, should I just bail on this trip?

276
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:01,900
Hmm, sounds complicated.

277
00:10:01,940 --> 00:10:03,340
Yeah. Why don't you

278
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:05,070
come with me to the family bathroom,

279
00:10:05,110 --> 00:10:07,410
sit on my lap, and I'll give you

280
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,710
the sleigh ride you'll never forget?

281
00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:11,150
What? Santa!

282
00:10:11,180 --> 00:10:12,380
North Pole.

283
00:10:12,410 --> 00:10:13,820
Player for life.

284
00:10:13,850 --> 00:10:15,320
Get out of here!

285
00:10:15,350 --> 00:10:18,090
Pervert Santa! No cookies for you here,

286
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:19,350
you white-bearded freak!

287
00:10:19,390 --> 00:10:21,360
Well, well, well.

288
00:10:21,390 --> 00:10:23,560
If it isn't ol' Bangs LaRue.

289
00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:26,090
Don't test me, sweetie. I'll
put your head in a trash can.

290
00:10:26,130 --> 00:10:27,330
Wow.

291
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,770
You and I are gonna drink.

292
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,500
Wow, this place is just so amazing.

293
00:10:34,540 --> 00:10:35,870
You got to feel this pillow.

294
00:10:35,900 --> 00:10:37,610
Look at this thing. This is the pillow

295
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:40,120
that all the other pillows
want to have sex with.

296
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,410
Nice. Look at that guy.

297
00:10:43,450 --> 00:10:45,930
Bet he's the kind of guy
who takes one bite of lobster

298
00:10:45,950 --> 00:10:47,950
and just throws the
rest of it in the trash.

299
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:49,520
I'd love to do that... just once.

300
00:10:49,550 --> 00:10:50,990
Stupid trash lobster.

301
00:10:52,220 --> 00:10:54,290
He's coming over.

302
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,320
Hello, sir.

303
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:56,720
First time in the lounge?

304
00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:58,090
Uh...

305
00:10:58,130 --> 00:10:59,560
What's that, now?

306
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,700
Come on. Why would you say that?

307
00:11:01,730 --> 00:11:03,230
Because of all the pillow squeezing.

308
00:11:03,270 --> 00:11:04,270
I get it.

309
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:05,800
I get it. I was like you once.

310
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:07,870
Where are you from?

311
00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:09,040
I'm from New York.

312
00:11:09,070 --> 00:11:10,200
Uh, Manhattan, of course.

313
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:12,640
Mainly the money and museum district.

314
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:13,640
I can see the Central Park horses

315
00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:15,440
defecating from my window.

316
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,360
That's funny. So can I.

317
00:11:18,350 --> 00:11:20,150
- Robert Goodwin.
- All right.

318
00:11:20,150 --> 00:11:21,280
- Schmidt.
- Mind if I sit?

319
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:23,690
Please, go ahead.

320
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,050
Due to increased security,

321
00:11:25,090 --> 00:11:26,720
please have your picture ID ready.

322
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,420
All right, here's what we got to do.

323
00:11:28,460 --> 00:11:30,730
We got to convince a
bunch of people not to fly,

324
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,730
and then we're at the top of the list.

325
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:34,400
It's foolproof...
unless it doesn't work.

326
00:11:34,430 --> 00:11:37,170
Then it didn't work, so I think we got

327
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:40,070
a 50-50 chance to do
it, so let's do it.

328
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:43,640
Wait.

329
00:11:43,670 --> 00:11:45,070
Ah, yeah, yeah.

330
00:11:45,110 --> 00:11:46,570
- Yeah, let's go.
- Yeah.

331
00:11:46,610 --> 00:11:47,610
What's up, boys?

332
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:48,940
Those are the guys

333
00:11:48,980 --> 00:11:50,780
I was just drinking with at the bar.

334
00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:52,310
Are you sure you guys

335
00:11:52,350 --> 00:11:53,680
can fly a plane?

336
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:55,350
I'm sure it's not a big deal.

337
00:11:55,380 --> 00:11:57,420
I bet the weed will offset the booze.

338
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:59,350
Ah, hey there, precious.

339
00:11:59,390 --> 00:12:00,690
Yeah, you're quiet now,

340
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,160
but when that air pressure hits you,

341
00:12:02,190 --> 00:12:03,320
you're gonna be screaming

342
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:04,630
like a cat in the dishwasher.

343
00:12:04,660 --> 00:12:06,130
And I won't stop you.

344
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:07,800
This could be it, so...

345
00:12:07,830 --> 00:12:10,330
if we all die on this
plane, was it worth it?

346
00:12:10,370 --> 00:12:12,300
I say yeah, let's get to Chicago.

347
00:12:12,330 --> 00:12:14,640
Who cares? It's snowing there.

348
00:12:14,670 --> 00:12:16,270
You gonna bite me?

349
00:12:16,310 --> 00:12:18,770
When we get on the plane,
I'm gonna bite you back.

350
00:12:18,810 --> 00:12:20,440
Breast-feeding is a...

351
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,510
very sensitive subject for me.

352
00:12:22,540 --> 00:12:24,210
I can help who's next. Sir?

353
00:12:24,250 --> 00:12:26,280
- Uh, sir, he doesn't work here.
- Oh, yes, I do.

354
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,380
- Uh, no, you... - Oh, I'm sorry.
Your flight's been canceled.

355
00:12:28,420 --> 00:12:29,720
The flight has not been canceled.

356
00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:31,150
- Flight's been canceled.
- Security!

357
00:12:31,190 --> 00:12:32,850
Security! Please get
this woman out of here!

358
00:12:32,890 --> 00:12:34,860
- Please get this man...
- She's wearing a fake outfit.

359
00:12:34,890 --> 00:12:36,390
You know what? I don't know...

360
00:12:36,430 --> 00:12:38,460
Debbie, don't start with
me. You're in a mood.

361
00:12:38,490 --> 00:12:40,300
And then he sent me this text.

362
00:12:40,330 --> 00:12:41,330
Oh, my God.

363
00:12:41,330 --> 00:12:43,200
Where's Anna and Mr. Bates?

364
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:44,500
- Do you watch Downton?
- Yeah.

365
00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:46,330
I know it's a soap opera, but I like it.

366
00:12:46,370 --> 00:12:47,800
It's not even about the money.

367
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,500
- That's big.
- It's like every new piece

368
00:12:49,540 --> 00:12:50,870
of information I get about him

369
00:12:50,910 --> 00:12:52,470
just makes him more and
more out of my league.

370
00:12:52,510 --> 00:12:54,010
- Mm.
- He'll be nice about it,

371
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,480
but the moment I get there,

372
00:12:55,510 --> 00:12:57,580
everybody will know
I don't belong there.

373
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,480
- Am I being dumb?
- No.

374
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,180
Did I ever tell you about that time

375
00:13:01,220 --> 00:13:02,820
I met my ex-boyfriend's
family over the holidays?

376
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:04,350
I've known you for 20 minutes.

377
00:13:04,390 --> 00:13:06,590
Well, it was worse than
the last season of Scrubs.

378
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:08,390
A teaching hospital? Come on!

379
00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:11,660
People think Christmas is
gonna be like Love Actually

380
00:13:11,690 --> 00:13:14,330
and "God Only Knows" is gonna play

381
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,730
over their happy ending, but it won't.

382
00:13:17,770 --> 00:13:19,030
Do what I do.

383
00:13:19,070 --> 00:13:21,040
Hide out with a pizza

384
00:13:21,070 --> 00:13:23,240
and save the big
issues for the New Year.

385
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:25,770
- Oh, God.
- Don't judge me for eating pizza!

386
00:13:25,810 --> 00:13:27,240
No. My presents are gone.

387
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,240
- What?
- Santa stole my presents.

388
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,210
He was a Reverse Santa.

389
00:13:31,250 --> 00:13:32,510
"Reverse Santa"?

390
00:13:32,550 --> 00:13:34,050
What am I gonna do now?

391
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,650
You can't go now.

392
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,590
You're right.

393
00:13:38,620 --> 00:13:40,420
I can't.

394
00:13:45,790 --> 00:13:47,860
God, I'm drunk at work.

395
00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:49,560
- Sis?
- Hello.

396
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,430
Hey. Let me talk to Ro-Ro.

397
00:13:51,470 --> 00:13:53,370
Hmm-mm. I'm not trying
to make you feel better

398
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,040
about lying naked on the beach

399
00:13:55,070 --> 00:13:57,310
sipping some nonsense
instead of seeing your family.

400
00:13:57,340 --> 00:13:58,740
And are you using the
cuteness of your daughter

401
00:13:58,770 --> 00:13:59,910
to blackmail me to come to Christmas?

402
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:02,380
Am I? Yeah, I am, actually.

403
00:14:02,410 --> 00:14:03,910
Ro-Ro, it's your Uncle Ernie!

404
00:14:03,950 --> 00:14:05,610
If you can hear me,
get your mom's hair wet,

405
00:14:05,650 --> 00:14:07,250
then get on the phone
while she's freaking out!

406
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:10,120
You want to speak to your
niece, you know where she is.

407
00:14:12,690 --> 00:14:13,890
Diversification.

408
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,090
That's what it's all about.

409
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:16,260
You know, I keep telling Nick that,

410
00:14:16,290 --> 00:14:17,460
but he won't listen to me.

411
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:18,790
Hey, man to man.

412
00:14:18,830 --> 00:14:20,070
Anything. What?

413
00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:23,330
I'd love to take a run at your girl.

414
00:14:23,370 --> 00:14:24,930
Excuse me?

415
00:14:24,970 --> 00:14:27,140
Now, don't tell me you're exclusive.

416
00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:28,940
Successful men like us,

417
00:14:28,970 --> 00:14:31,610
we don't order just
one item off the menu.

418
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:33,270
I'll tell you what.

419
00:14:33,310 --> 00:14:36,780
You do this for me,

420
00:14:36,810 --> 00:14:39,250
and I'll do this for you.

421
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:40,450
Gold Select.

422
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:44,590
Gets you into any airport
club in the world...

423
00:14:44,620 --> 00:14:46,290
minus New Zealand.

424
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:47,960
What's going on guys?

425
00:14:47,990 --> 00:14:48,990
Closing some deals?

426
00:14:48,990 --> 00:14:50,160
Well, actually...

427
00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:52,190
No... we are not.

428
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:55,830
You know what they
call you where I'm from?

429
00:14:55,860 --> 00:14:57,200
A dirty old bitch.

430
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:58,800
Dirty old "biatch."

431
00:14:58,830 --> 00:15:00,470
"Biatch," just in general.

432
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,170
'Cause I ain't from Manhattan, sir.

433
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,370
I'm from Long Island.

434
00:15:04,410 --> 00:15:07,310
5-1-6, up in your lounge, sucka.

435
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,810
You better calm down, or you're
gonna be kicked out of the...

436
00:15:09,850 --> 00:15:11,150
Good, I don't want to be in this lounge,

437
00:15:11,180 --> 00:15:12,680
I don't want to be in any
club that you're a part of.

438
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,150
Okay, am I missing something?

439
00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:16,520
I don't want to be in any lounge or club

440
00:15:16,550 --> 00:15:17,950
that you're a part of, sir.

441
00:15:17,990 --> 00:15:20,150
You dirty old bitch, for good measure.

442
00:15:20,190 --> 00:15:23,890
'Cause I'm from Long Island,
I'll take the railroad... LIRR.

443
00:15:23,930 --> 00:15:25,130
You're embarrassing yourself.

444
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:26,460
New York, Long Island.

445
00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:28,200
Billy Joel.

446
00:15:28,230 --> 00:15:29,630
Cece, let's roll.

447
00:15:29,670 --> 00:15:30,670
Okay.

448
00:15:33,270 --> 00:15:35,240
Nassau County.

449
00:15:35,270 --> 00:15:37,070
Billy Joel, one more time.

450
00:15:37,110 --> 00:15:39,070
"Piano Man."

451
00:15:39,110 --> 00:15:40,480
"Goodnight Saigon."

452
00:15:40,510 --> 00:15:41,880
That's a sad one.

453
00:15:41,910 --> 00:15:44,080
Cry about that, you dirty old bitch.

454
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:47,420
So they go to this bar in
Chicago to get Winston laid...

455
00:15:47,450 --> 00:15:50,020
- And one of these guys is your ex?
- Yeah, Nick.

456
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:51,820
Mm, the nicest thing
I ever did for an ex

457
00:15:51,850 --> 00:15:53,250
is give him a ride to the airport.

458
00:15:53,290 --> 00:15:54,690
And for me, that's just going to work,

459
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:55,760
and I still barely did it.

460
00:15:57,530 --> 00:16:00,230
Okay, please don't take
this as a Christmas miracle.

461
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:02,230
But what can I do to help?

462
00:16:02,260 --> 00:16:05,070
Do you want to fly first-class
somewhere, like Pittsburgh?

463
00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:07,040
And then tell everyone
you're a Latin pop star?

464
00:16:07,070 --> 00:16:10,410
I did that once, and it's
kind of the perfect Christmas.

465
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:11,940
You can pass as Latin.

466
00:16:13,980 --> 00:16:16,080
Actually, you know what I'd love?

467
00:16:16,110 --> 00:16:17,850
Hope first class is okay.

468
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,110
And don't freak out, but I
think Paul Dano's on your flight.

469
00:16:20,150 --> 00:16:21,680
And don't thank me, thank her.

470
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:23,280
But thank me also, because
I'm the one that did it.

471
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:24,390
Wow, this is really amazing.

472
00:16:24,420 --> 00:16:25,420
Thank you, guys.

473
00:16:25,420 --> 00:16:27,290
Don't thank us, go.

474
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,360
Call me if you want
to hang out this week.

475
00:16:29,390 --> 00:16:31,030
I was thinking about
going to the mountains

476
00:16:31,060 --> 00:16:32,690
and crying at some point,
but that's flexible.

477
00:16:32,730 --> 00:16:33,960
All right, I got to bounce

478
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,630
before these people I
bumped come after me.

479
00:16:35,660 --> 00:16:37,400
Don't worry, they deserve it.

480
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:39,070
I'm being bumped?

481
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:41,100
You're an idiot, I'm Gold Select.

482
00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:43,500
Check it out.

483
00:16:49,940 --> 00:16:51,510
Come on, just tell me what he said.

484
00:16:51,550 --> 00:16:53,100
Without going into specifics,

485
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,000
he disrespected something
more important to me

486
00:16:55,125 --> 00:16:56,375
than any stupid lounge.

487
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,825
Daniel Craig's tailoring?

488
00:16:57,900 --> 00:16:59,075
No.

489
00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:01,525
Something priceless.

490
00:17:02,550 --> 00:17:03,800
- Hey.
- What?

491
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:05,060
I stole you something.

492
00:17:05,090 --> 00:17:06,520
Bam!

493
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,530
You sneaky Indian mouse.

494
00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:11,960
I'm in my own lounge now.

495
00:17:16,070 --> 00:17:18,070
Look, I know this is
kind of dumb to say,

496
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:20,580
but I really like being your friend.

497
00:17:25,740 --> 00:17:27,750
My friend.

498
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:32,150
I like being your friend, too.

499
00:17:32,180 --> 00:17:34,320
Yeah.

500
00:17:35,290 --> 00:17:36,960
Merry Christmas, Schmidt.

501
00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:39,260
Merry Christmas, Cecilia.

502
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:45,160
Is it crazy that I'm
considering going to Detroit

503
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:46,300
instead of Hawaii?

504
00:17:46,330 --> 00:17:47,330
- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

505
00:17:47,370 --> 00:17:48,570
Yeah, I thought that.

506
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,400
Ooh, this is a fancy seat.

507
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:51,840
Reminds me of the seat
my grandmother used

508
00:17:51,870 --> 00:17:53,300
to ride up and down the stairs in.

509
00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:55,140
- Hey, Jess.
- Damn thing was comfortable.

510
00:17:55,170 --> 00:17:57,240
Thank you, first class is amazing.

511
00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,580
Smells like rich people.

512
00:17:59,610 --> 00:18:00,980
I'm so glad.

513
00:18:01,010 --> 00:18:03,080
- These are nice.
- Hey, where are you? Did you board?

514
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,420
Um, yeah, I'm on the plane,
I'm sitting in my seat.

515
00:18:05,450 --> 00:18:07,770
Welcome to Los Angeles
International Airport.

516
00:18:07,790 --> 00:18:10,320
Wait, w... Jess, what was that?

517
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,190
Uh, they're telling me
to turn off my phone.

518
00:18:12,220 --> 00:18:13,490
Uh, we're taking off now.

519
00:18:13,530 --> 00:18:14,930
Jess, hold on, hold on, hold on, J...

520
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,130
How do you change this...?

521
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:17,360
How do you change this thing?!

522
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:18,600
To the hits?

523
00:18:18,630 --> 00:18:19,630
I don't know, like top 40?

524
00:18:19,670 --> 00:18:21,300
Jess, what's going on?

525
00:18:21,330 --> 00:18:23,600
I'm not going.

526
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:24,970
Are you kidding me?

527
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,000
You saw the house.

528
00:18:26,010 --> 00:18:27,340
It's too much pressure.

529
00:18:27,370 --> 00:18:29,340
- Je...
- And Santa stole my gifts.

530
00:18:29,380 --> 00:18:30,610
Wait, Santa did what?

531
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:32,520
What if I do something wrong and...

532
00:18:32,550 --> 00:18:34,810
and I lose Ryan?

533
00:18:34,850 --> 00:18:36,010
So, what are you gonna do?

534
00:18:36,050 --> 00:18:37,550
You're gonna spend Christmas alone?

535
00:18:37,580 --> 00:18:39,050
- Sir? We're about to take off.
- Yeah.

536
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:40,450
- We need you to turn off your phone.
- I understand.

537
00:18:40,490 --> 00:18:41,350
I just need one minute.

538
00:18:41,390 --> 00:18:43,520
It's gonna be fine, don't worry.

539
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:44,720
- I mean, it's cra...
- Sir?

540
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,620
- Now, sir.
- I'm trying to figure something out.

541
00:18:46,660 --> 00:18:48,530
- If she's not getting on a plane.
- Hey, Nick!

542
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:49,830
This is first class!

543
00:18:49,860 --> 00:18:51,630
Act like you've been somewhere before!

544
00:18:51,660 --> 00:18:53,060
Merry Christmas, Nick.

545
00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:54,660
- Jess, hey!
- Sir.

546
00:19:03,380 --> 00:19:05,510
Jess.

547
00:19:05,540 --> 00:19:07,350
You're not spending Christmas alone.

548
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:08,980
Oh, no.

549
00:19:09,010 --> 00:19:10,480
You're going to England.

550
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:11,820
What are you guys doing?

551
00:19:11,850 --> 00:19:13,080
Hey, you think you're gonna lose Ryan

552
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,750
'cause you're not good
enough for his stupid family?

553
00:19:14,790 --> 00:19:18,190
Has he ever had five people
get off planes for him?

554
00:19:18,220 --> 00:19:20,430
I-I hadn't gotten on mine, yet.

555
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:22,330
T-To be fair, we were
in the food court,

556
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,000
- but it's beautiful, keep going, Nick.
- Look, Jess,

557
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:26,270
we're not getting on our
flights unless you get on yours.

558
00:19:26,300 --> 00:19:28,530
Airport chicken, that's right.

559
00:19:28,570 --> 00:19:29,930
You want to take down
everyone's Christmases?

560
00:19:29,970 --> 00:19:32,170
Don't be that person.

561
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:35,070
You got to go to England,
and you have to just try.

562
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:38,180
Go to England, Jess, it's worth it.

563
00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:42,110
But my flight's boarding,
and I don't have any gifts,

564
00:19:42,150 --> 00:19:44,020
and there's no way I'm gonna make it.

565
00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:45,520
Oh, no, you are gonna make it, come on.

566
00:19:45,550 --> 00:19:47,310
- Yeah.
- All right, let's go!

567
00:19:48,650 --> 00:19:50,260
This doesn't seem great.

568
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:51,690
Okay, you know what, let's go, let's go.

569
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:52,890
Let's just, let's just run.

570
00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:54,730
Come on, let's go.

571
00:19:56,130 --> 00:19:57,330
Let's go.

572
00:19:59,930 --> 00:20:02,130
So, I guess this is good-bye.

573
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,770
I don't care if there's no time.

574
00:20:08,810 --> 00:20:09,970
I love you guys.

575
00:20:10,010 --> 00:20:11,940
Ah, come on.

576
00:20:11,980 --> 00:20:13,210
Get out of here!

577
00:20:13,250 --> 00:20:14,580
Love doesn't matter!

578
00:20:14,610 --> 00:20:16,950
Merry Christmas.

579
00:20:16,980 --> 00:20:18,450
Bye.

580
00:20:30,060 --> 00:20:32,300
Give me a little space.

581
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:39,240
Ugh!

582
00:20:39,270 --> 00:20:41,010
Light a match.

583
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,210
Cece, watch.

584
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,140
Oh, my God.

585
00:20:45,180 --> 00:20:47,950
Got him.

586
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:50,150
Hi, Ro-Ro.

587
00:20:50,180 --> 00:20:52,150
Uncle Ernie!

588
00:21:16,210 --> 00:21:18,240
Hey, I'm here. Are you here?

589
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,050
I'm here.

590
00:21:20,225 --> 00:21:21,950
I got your text,
and I came here to surprise you.

591
00:21:23,475 --> 00:21:25,275
I'm outside your loft.
Where are you?

592
00:21:25,550 --> 00:21:28,050
Oh, no! No!

593
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:29,725
I'm in London.

594
00:21:30,475 --> 00:21:33,175
Stay where you are,
I'll be there in 17 hours.

595
00:21:33,575 --> 00:21:36,000
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com