1
00:00:02,370 --> 00:00:04,370
What in the hell is around your neck?

2
00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:05,770
This? It's a crystal charm, man.

3
00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:07,570
Yeah, the guys at work gave it to me.

4
00:00:07,610 --> 00:00:09,740
- Why?
- Technically, it's "hazing,"

5
00:00:09,780 --> 00:00:11,240
but, uh, I secretly love it.

6
00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:13,280
That is the kind of crystal
that should only rest

7
00:00:13,310 --> 00:00:14,780
between a set of old bosoms.

8
00:00:16,820 --> 00:00:18,380
Did that sound just come from your body?

9
00:00:18,420 --> 00:00:20,290
- Hey!
- Ha!

10
00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:21,850
Whoa, how long you two been here?

11
00:00:21,890 --> 00:00:23,920
- When was the last time you asked me that?
- Last Thursday.

12
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:24,960
So, at least Thursday.

13
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:27,260
What kind of lazy... holes...

14
00:00:27,290 --> 00:00:29,690
Don't you know what
...ing day it is?

15
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,700
For crying out l...

16
00:00:31,730 --> 00:00:33,260
Glen, you should see a doctor.

17
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:34,700
My name is Schmidt.

18
00:00:34,730 --> 00:00:37,240
And I can't afford to miss work.

19
00:00:37,270 --> 00:00:39,700
I'm sorry, Glen, but
I'm with Kai on this one.

20
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:40,740
Thanks, Wilfred.

21
00:00:40,770 --> 00:00:42,410
You ain't good with names.

22
00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:43,580
Oh, honey, you're all turned around.

23
00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:45,080
- No, you are.
- I think you are.

24
00:00:45,110 --> 00:00:46,780
- I think you are, I'm gonna get you...
- Stop.

25
00:00:46,810 --> 00:00:49,950
- I've done some research.
- Oh, ooh, how about a head's up, man?

26
00:00:49,980 --> 00:00:51,980
Have I seen those glasses before?

27
00:00:52,020 --> 00:00:53,650
I feel like I want to remember them.

28
00:00:53,690 --> 00:00:55,250
I got these in seventh
grade, and I love them.

29
00:00:55,290 --> 00:00:56,420
Stop asking questions.

30
00:00:56,460 --> 00:00:57,390
All right, check it.

31
00:00:57,420 --> 00:00:59,300
So nerd Coach went to the library,

32
00:00:59,330 --> 00:01:00,730
and some place that actually exists

33
00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,260
called the Hall of Documents.

34
00:01:02,290 --> 00:01:03,290
- The downtown branch?
- Mm-hmm.

35
00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:05,130
- How's Kathleen's eye?
- Oh, Kathleen's dead.

36
00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:06,500
- What?
- Yeah.

37
00:01:06,530 --> 00:01:09,070
So, check it out, guys,
this is all research.

38
00:01:09,100 --> 00:01:11,600
You two don't have to date
in secret anymore at school.

39
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:15,710
Yeah, it's all here in the Lipinski v.
Platte County Unified School District.

40
00:01:15,710 --> 00:01:17,810
Precedence for days!

41
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,880
- Wow. Wow, you did this for us.
- No.

42
00:01:21,380 --> 00:01:22,610
I just want to pat it.

43
00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:24,980
I just want to, like, frickin' pat it.

44
00:01:25,020 --> 00:01:26,680
I want to nurse it.

45
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,350
Yeah, I want to provide it

46
00:01:28,390 --> 00:01:30,320
- with milk.
- Huh.

47
00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:31,990
I used to be the hot teacher.

48
00:01:32,020 --> 00:01:35,830
Now you know how I
felt when you turned up.

49
00:01:35,860 --> 00:01:39,030
A miserable path awaits you.

50
00:01:39,060 --> 00:01:40,970
So you want us to come out,

51
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,930
so that you can go back to hooking up

52
00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:44,170
with all the hot teachers?

53
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:45,440
Very much so.

54
00:01:45,470 --> 00:01:46,870
But I'm thinking about you guys, too.

55
00:01:46,910 --> 00:01:48,370
I mean, wouldn't it be better

56
00:01:48,410 --> 00:01:50,490
if you didn't have to
hide your relationship?

57
00:01:51,580 --> 00:01:54,180
Yeah, you know what?

58
00:01:54,210 --> 00:01:56,010
I think we should do this.

59
00:01:56,050 --> 00:01:57,780
I... we should do
this, let's stop hiding.

60
00:01:57,820 --> 00:01:59,280
Yeah.

61
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,020
But, Jess, will this make
things tricky for your work

62
00:02:01,050 --> 00:02:02,790
and will it in turn make you
distracted and preoccupied

63
00:02:02,820 --> 00:02:04,720
- during our splishy-splashy?
- Ugh.

64
00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:06,720
No, no, of course not, I won't let it.

65
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:07,960
Then let's do this.

66
00:02:07,990 --> 00:02:09,460
Yeah, let's.

67
00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:11,460
Yes! We are coming out!

68
00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:13,200
Cracking. I'm chuffed.

69
00:02:13,230 --> 00:02:14,900
Dude, I do not get you.

70
00:02:15,225 --> 00:02:18,900
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com

71
00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:23,840
I trust you, Miss Day.

72
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:27,380
Mostly because I do
not want to read this.

73
00:02:27,410 --> 00:02:29,310
- That's great!
- Well,

74
00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:31,420
- Yay!
- I'm the easy one, dawg.

75
00:02:31,450 --> 00:02:34,690
Seriously, it's the teachers
you need to worry about.

76
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:35,920
Especially you.

77
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,320
You tend to care what
people think about you.

78
00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:41,490
That's like saying
a penguin "tends" to be cute.

79
00:02:41,530 --> 00:02:43,390
It's all it does, bro.

80
00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:45,400
So, good luck

81
00:02:45,430 --> 00:02:47,770
when the teachers present
their field trip proposals.

82
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:51,100
If they catch a whiff of favoritism,

83
00:02:51,140 --> 00:02:54,740
they are going to tear you apart like...

84
00:02:54,770 --> 00:02:57,740
like a beautiful baguette,
you know what I mean?

85
00:02:57,780 --> 00:02:59,740
When you-you're having dinner,

86
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:02,750
and you just suddenly say,
"Hey, forget the bread knife.

87
00:03:02,780 --> 00:03:05,620
Let's just rip into this
with our bare hands."

88
00:03:05,650 --> 00:03:09,190
Ah, I love that.

89
00:03:09,220 --> 00:03:11,120
Hey, what'd they say? What do you got?

90
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,890
You can tell me, I can take it.

91
00:03:13,930 --> 00:03:17,130
I-I don't know if I can take it if...

92
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,130
If you died, I'd be lost.

93
00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,770
J-Just tell me, I'll be there
for you, I'm big and strong.

94
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:23,070
- Is it cancer?
- What's your problem?

95
00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:24,870
Oh, Schmidty, you have cancer?

96
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,100
I can't watch you go

97
00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:27,870
through cancer, buddy,
you're not strong enough.

98
00:03:27,910 --> 00:03:28,940
What is wrong with you?!

99
00:03:28,970 --> 00:03:30,110
Your friend keeps forgetting

100
00:03:30,140 --> 00:03:31,280
his ulcer medication.

101
00:03:31,310 --> 00:03:32,710
Ulcer medication?

102
00:03:32,750 --> 00:03:34,210
He's lying, please.

103
00:03:34,250 --> 00:03:35,880
Take him home, make sure
he does nothing all day.

104
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,550
Look, I'm not doing nothing all day.

105
00:03:37,580 --> 00:03:39,720
Can't take days off wo...

106
00:03:39,750 --> 00:03:42,620
My firm is wooing red potatoes,
and I want that account.

107
00:03:42,660 --> 00:03:44,660
Don't listen to that
aggressive male nurse.

108
00:03:44,690 --> 00:03:47,260
He's wearing the same shoes
as an old Russian woman.

109
00:03:47,290 --> 00:03:49,430
It's not an ulcer, he's ly...

110
00:03:49,460 --> 00:03:52,460
Yeah, that's your ulcer telling
you to stop being a dick.

111
00:03:54,330 --> 00:03:56,000
Before we begin our presentations,

112
00:03:56,040 --> 00:04:00,470
in the spirit of full
disclosure and transparency,

113
00:04:00,510 --> 00:04:04,410
I have something to tell you.

114
00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,010
Mr. Geauxinue and I are dating.

115
00:04:06,050 --> 00:04:07,750
No, n-n-n-no.

116
00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:09,580
- I just felt someone pass over my grave.
- Right.

117
00:04:09,620 --> 00:04:10,620
I don't see a ring.

118
00:04:10,650 --> 00:04:11,680
This is a total joke.

119
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,020
Oh, you're joking.

120
00:04:13,050 --> 00:04:14,490
There's none scenarios
that this is possible.

121
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:16,350
Ladies, I know you're upset,

122
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:17,920
but you know what I do when I'm upset?

123
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:18,960
I hook up with me.

124
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:20,830
But I want to assure you

125
00:04:20,860 --> 00:04:23,600
that this will not affect my
judgment as vice principal.

126
00:04:23,630 --> 00:04:25,630
Let's hear those field trip proposals!

127
00:04:25,660 --> 00:04:27,870
Where are we gonna
take those kids, guys?!

128
00:04:27,900 --> 00:04:29,870
And you know what makes
the water delicious?

129
00:04:29,900 --> 00:04:31,870
Taking the poop out.

130
00:04:31,900 --> 00:04:34,240
Hello, water treatment plant.

131
00:04:35,540 --> 00:04:38,010
Okay, we're off to a rocky start.

132
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,440
They've got frickin' mini-golf.

133
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,050
They've got frickin' Skee-Ball.

134
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,050
They've got frickin' bumper boats.

135
00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:45,480
They've got frickin' go-carts.

136
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:47,290
Is this you topless in the brochure?

137
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,690
It is, thank you.

138
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,190
Take a trip to historical Coach-town.

139
00:04:52,220 --> 00:04:55,190
Lunch will be provided.

140
00:04:55,230 --> 00:04:57,630
I don't eat yesterday's bread.

141
00:04:57,660 --> 00:04:59,460
Yes, you do.

142
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:00,670
Is there a field trip in here somewhere?

143
00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:02,070
I want to take the children

144
00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:04,070
on an interactive nature "experience."

145
00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:05,570
Very hands on.

146
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,210
With, uh, "foll-ahge"...

147
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,210
"foil-iag-ee"...

148
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,540
Not bad, um, I'd be a lot more into it

149
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:14,380
if you could pronounce foliage.

150
00:05:14,410 --> 00:05:15,980
I messed it up!

151
00:05:16,020 --> 00:05:17,550
Can't do anything!

152
00:05:17,580 --> 00:05:19,320
So I've arranged for
our students to speak

153
00:05:19,350 --> 00:05:20,550
to astronauts at the space station,

154
00:05:20,590 --> 00:05:21,750
uh, via Russian translator.

155
00:05:21,790 --> 00:05:25,220
And, as an added surprise,

156
00:05:25,260 --> 00:05:26,930
actually get to operate the Mars rover.

157
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,530
You see, this is...

158
00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:31,960
"Mission to Mars: Field
Trip to Another World."

159
00:05:34,530 --> 00:05:35,530
Okay, then.

160
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:38,940
Well, you all had great presentations,

161
00:05:38,970 --> 00:05:41,940
but I'm sure no one can
accuse me of favoritism

162
00:05:41,970 --> 00:05:43,580
when I choose Mr. G's proposal

163
00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:46,740
which was so, so, so
clearly the best one.

164
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,610
What does space have?

165
00:05:48,650 --> 00:05:50,450
You can't even walk on the ground.

166
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:52,620
You obviously picked it because
he's your frickin' boyfriend.

167
00:05:52,650 --> 00:05:54,450
- Well...
- I see how it is.

168
00:05:54,490 --> 00:05:57,020
My butt isn't cute
enough... Should I call my ma

169
00:05:57,060 --> 00:05:59,620
and blame her for passing
on her wide flat ass?

170
00:06:02,090 --> 00:06:04,260
Hello, Ma?

171
00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:06,870
I'm not calling about that.

172
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,270
Just listen.

173
00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:11,270
I said... just listen.

174
00:06:11,300 --> 00:06:13,710
It's about my butt.

175
00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:15,070
Should I continue?

176
00:06:15,110 --> 00:06:16,370
I'm gonna say no.

177
00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:17,910
You won't frickin' get away with this.

178
00:06:17,940 --> 00:06:20,410
Eat glass and die, you tramp!

179
00:06:20,450 --> 00:06:22,110
Mrs. Raws!

180
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,810
- Uh, you're not going to work.
- What are you talking...?

181
00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:28,610
- You're not going to work.
- Yes, I'm going to work!

182
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,480
Sit down! Sit down!

183
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:33,180
Of course I'm going to work.

184
00:06:33,210 --> 00:06:34,610
Gina needs me.

185
00:06:34,650 --> 00:06:37,250
Besides, I like my stomach
like I like my suits...

186
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:38,620
no lining.

187
00:06:38,650 --> 00:06:40,090
Here, take your bottoms off,

188
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:41,650
put these sweatpants on.

189
00:06:41,690 --> 00:06:44,760
- You take your bottoms off, sir!
- Why don't you take your slacks off,

190
00:06:44,790 --> 00:06:46,120
so I can put some sweatpants on?
Now take your bottoms off.

191
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:47,790
I'm not gonna sit around here all day

192
00:06:47,830 --> 00:06:49,830
like an off-duty ice
cream truck driver!

193
00:06:49,830 --> 00:06:52,800
I confiscated three laptops,
two tablets and an e-reader.

194
00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:55,500
Oh, and this satellite phone
with a condom taped to it.

195
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:56,600
- My earthquake kit?
- Hey, look...

196
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:57,940
for starters, Schmidt,

197
00:06:57,970 --> 00:06:59,340
you're sitting up way too straight.

198
00:06:59,370 --> 00:07:00,810
I feel like I'm sitting just fine.

199
00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:03,140
Take a deep breath...

200
00:07:03,180 --> 00:07:04,340
Inhale it all the way in...

201
00:07:05,380 --> 00:07:06,550
Now...

202
00:07:06,580 --> 00:07:07,680
let it go.

203
00:07:10,380 --> 00:07:12,300
Now let go.

204
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:13,520
Now let go...

205
00:07:13,550 --> 00:07:15,020
I... I am letting go.

206
00:07:15,050 --> 00:07:17,130
You're like a clenched
fist, my man. Open up.

207
00:07:19,090 --> 00:07:21,290
You're in a 1920s boxing stance.

208
00:07:21,330 --> 00:07:22,860
- This is a waste of time!
- You're not going to work!

209
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:24,360
I have a hyperactive nephew!

210
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,630
We have to swaddle him!

211
00:07:25,670 --> 00:07:26,730
Swaddle nothing! What?

212
00:07:26,770 --> 00:07:28,200
- What are you doing?!
- Swaddle him! Get him!

213
00:07:28,230 --> 00:07:30,040
Gotta get to work!

214
00:07:30,070 --> 00:07:31,300
Shh.

215
00:07:31,340 --> 00:07:32,570
Shh...

216
00:07:33,610 --> 00:07:35,410
Shh... you relaxed?

217
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,510
Yeah.

218
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:38,810
Okay, ready?

219
00:07:38,850 --> 00:07:40,080
You're gonna lay down.

220
00:07:40,110 --> 00:07:41,710
All right, just for a minute.

221
00:07:41,750 --> 00:07:43,880
Good night, Schmidty.

222
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,490
- Now do me.
- Okay.

223
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,000
Hey, what's up, girl?

224
00:07:55,030 --> 00:07:56,430
Hey, uh...

225
00:07:56,460 --> 00:07:58,560
remember when we used
to do it and it was dope?

226
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,900
- Nah.
- Nah? What you talk...?

227
00:08:00,930 --> 00:08:03,400
- You still like Ryan?
- Well...

228
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:04,900
It's just the accent. That's
the only thing that you...

229
00:08:04,940 --> 00:08:06,370
You like the accent. I can do an accent.

230
00:08:06,410 --> 00:08:07,710
Ah can do an accent.

231
00:08:07,740 --> 00:08:09,660
You like when I do this accent, eh?

232
00:08:10,310 --> 00:08:11,740
You like when I do the accent?

233
00:08:11,780 --> 00:08:13,050
Not at all.

234
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,110
My dad makes cheese...

235
00:08:15,150 --> 00:08:17,720
He just made me realize that I want guys

236
00:08:17,750 --> 00:08:19,720
who have, like, frickin'
feelings and stuff.

237
00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:21,290
Yeah, well...

238
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:23,490
But the boy looks like
he was raised in a muffin.

239
00:08:24,490 --> 00:08:26,230
Oh. Hey.

240
00:08:26,260 --> 00:08:28,060
I've been holding office hours all year

241
00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,300
and this is the first time
anyone's taken me up on it.

242
00:08:30,330 --> 00:08:31,650
Ryan took you up on it, didn't he?

243
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,570
This is gonna be fine

244
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,940
and, um, I'm going to address

245
00:08:37,970 --> 00:08:40,440
all of your problems one by one.

246
00:08:40,470 --> 00:08:41,940
- It just ain't right.
- Okay.

247
00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:43,640
"Ain't... right."

248
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:44,910
Anything else?

249
00:08:44,940 --> 00:08:45,940
It's not okay.

250
00:08:45,980 --> 00:08:47,780
"Not... okay."

251
00:08:47,810 --> 00:08:49,050
What else?

252
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:50,820
I'm not all right with it.

253
00:08:50,850 --> 00:08:53,290
And when you lent me
that sweater last week,

254
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:56,560
- was I supposed to, like...
- Ruth!

255
00:08:56,590 --> 00:08:58,420
It's unscrupulous, Ms. Day.

256
00:08:58,460 --> 00:09:00,930
If you two are coming out, we are, too.

257
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,960
Meet my boyfriend.

258
00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:07,970
So you like teachers?

259
00:09:11,810 --> 00:09:13,170
I'd do whatever it takes

260
00:09:13,210 --> 00:09:15,210
to get my foliage trip off the ground.

261
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,340
And now I know

262
00:09:18,380 --> 00:09:19,810
how things work around here.

263
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,280
And you're not even my type,

264
00:09:21,310 --> 00:09:22,680
just so you know.

265
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,120
Ba-da-da

266
00:09:24,150 --> 00:09:25,280
Don't do that.

267
00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:26,690
I'd be way more into this

268
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,090
if you had, like, a classic Latin build.

269
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,960
Okay, stop. Stop!

270
00:09:29,990 --> 00:09:30,990
'Cause I'm a ginger?

271
00:09:31,020 --> 00:09:31,860
Just get out.

272
00:09:34,460 --> 00:09:35,660
Ms. Day!

273
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:41,100
Okay!

274
00:09:41,130 --> 00:09:43,270
I changed my mind.

275
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:45,100
We're gonna look at foliage.

276
00:09:45,140 --> 00:09:47,470
Now, will that make you
people go back to your jobs?

277
00:09:47,510 --> 00:09:49,010
Yeah.

278
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,440
I won something.

279
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:51,680
I won something.

280
00:09:51,710 --> 00:09:53,110
Hey.

281
00:09:53,150 --> 00:09:54,350
What's going on?

282
00:09:54,380 --> 00:09:56,010
Everybody was just so mad at me.

283
00:09:56,050 --> 00:09:57,780
I feel terrible.

284
00:09:57,820 --> 00:09:59,820
This is my fault.

285
00:09:59,850 --> 00:10:01,220
Jess, maybe I should
look for another job.

286
00:10:01,250 --> 00:10:03,360
No! No! Absolutely not.

287
00:10:03,390 --> 00:10:04,860
No, look, I have
everything under control.

288
00:10:04,890 --> 00:10:06,860
I am 100% confident

289
00:10:06,890 --> 00:10:08,290
that I'm making the right decision.

290
00:10:08,330 --> 00:10:09,860
You got girl troubles, get a crystal.

291
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:11,960
Look, I'm telling you, Coach,

292
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,000
women have been checking me out all day.

293
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:16,070
From the gentleman across the bar.

294
00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:17,340
This is my favorite drink.

295
00:10:17,370 --> 00:10:18,640
How did he...?

296
00:10:18,670 --> 00:10:22,010
Something powerful told me it was.

297
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:24,810
Now, they gave me this crystal

298
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:26,310
to help me on the streets,

299
00:10:26,350 --> 00:10:27,750
but I'm starting to think

300
00:10:27,780 --> 00:10:30,250
it's gonna help me in the sheets.

301
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:31,980
Winston, look at me. Mm-hmm.

302
00:10:32,020 --> 00:10:33,220
And I have never been more serious

303
00:10:33,250 --> 00:10:34,320
about anything in my life.

304
00:10:34,350 --> 00:10:36,320
- Okay.
- Stop rhyming.

305
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:37,090
All the timing?

306
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:38,860
I don't need a crystal,

307
00:10:38,890 --> 00:10:40,530
I just need to be more
frickin' sensitive,

308
00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:41,930
so stop trying to give me your crystal!

309
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,230
Okay. I'm not supposed to be yelling.

310
00:10:44,260 --> 00:10:45,760
That's what I'm...

311
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:46,900
I need to be working...
I need to work on that.

312
00:10:46,930 --> 00:10:48,200
I'm telling you, man,

313
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:50,540
this crystal gives you the courage

314
00:10:50,570 --> 00:10:53,340
to do the one thing that
you're scared of the most.

315
00:10:53,370 --> 00:10:56,010
To me, it's country music line dancing.

316
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,240
Well, that is terrifying.

317
00:10:58,280 --> 00:10:59,550
Don't do that.

318
00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:03,780
You guys seen Schmidt?

319
00:11:05,150 --> 00:11:06,390
What the hell?

320
00:11:06,420 --> 00:11:07,650
My word processor?

321
00:11:09,390 --> 00:11:11,420
You can't Kathy Bates me forever!

322
00:11:11,460 --> 00:11:13,130
My work needs me. Gina needs me.

323
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:14,930
I'm sorry, but she's trying to kill you

324
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,730
and I'm trying everything
in my power to stop her.

325
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,720
No, you're trying to turn me into you.

326
00:11:20,230 --> 00:11:21,770
Aren't you bored, Nick?

327
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,200
I've been doing nothing
for exactly one day

328
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:24,440
and I already feel pathetic.

329
00:11:24,470 --> 00:11:26,440
The Nick that I met

330
00:11:26,470 --> 00:11:27,740
in college would not be
happy living like this.

331
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:28,870
- You've changed.
- That's not true.

332
00:11:28,910 --> 00:11:30,810
I've always been lazy.

333
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:33,110
Physically, yes.

334
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:35,780
But mentally, you used to be
like a da Vinci in tie-dye.

335
00:11:43,660 --> 00:11:45,490
Well, I'll be.

336
00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:47,490
Think differently.

337
00:11:47,530 --> 00:11:48,960
The beer teat!

338
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,230
- Awesome, bro.
- Ha!

339
00:11:50,260 --> 00:11:52,160
Party!

340
00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:55,730
Well, you changed, too.

341
00:11:55,770 --> 00:11:57,900
You used to live by your own rules.

342
00:11:57,940 --> 00:12:01,140
You were like a fat,
Jewish Dennis Rodman.

343
00:12:01,170 --> 00:12:02,940
But look at you now.

344
00:12:02,980 --> 00:12:04,440
You're like the back of a horse

345
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,110
in a two-person horse costume

346
00:12:06,150 --> 00:12:08,510
with Gina just farting
in your face all day long.

347
00:12:08,550 --> 00:12:10,180
That actually happened.

348
00:12:16,220 --> 00:12:17,990
What?!

349
00:12:18,020 --> 00:12:20,130
Schmidt, tell me, what do you
get for all your hard work?

350
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:21,790
- The sponge account.
- Oh, great!

351
00:12:21,830 --> 00:12:23,830
God willing, it'll get
me red potatoes, too.

352
00:12:23,860 --> 00:12:26,100
Sexiest starch since jasmine rice.

353
00:12:26,130 --> 00:12:27,330
Great.

354
00:12:27,370 --> 00:12:28,600
I hope your work

355
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,170
keeps making you walk around

356
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,700
with your guts in a rusty old wagon.

357
00:12:42,675 --> 00:12:45,060
Oh, hey, Nick. You're up early.

358
00:12:45,090 --> 00:12:46,760
Before noon.

359
00:12:48,060 --> 00:12:49,590
Oh, wait, is this Sleepwalk Nick?

360
00:12:49,630 --> 00:12:51,730
Man, I love Sleepwalk Nick!

361
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:54,030
He always pays back the money
that Awake Nick borrows from me.

362
00:12:54,070 --> 00:12:55,430
Of course I'm up! I'm doinstuff.

363
00:12:55,470 --> 00:12:57,740
I do stuff. I clean.

364
00:12:57,770 --> 00:12:59,740
I'm cooking right now.
I'm cooking breakfast.

365
00:12:59,770 --> 00:13:02,370
Sun's up, Miller's up. People say that.

366
00:13:02,410 --> 00:13:04,810
Huh. Oh, hey, Coach.

367
00:13:05,780 --> 00:13:07,080
You're dressed like Ryan.

368
00:13:07,110 --> 00:13:08,510
What?

369
00:13:08,550 --> 00:13:10,410
No, you see, I-I...
I've had these clothes

370
00:13:10,450 --> 00:13:12,120
for forever, I just don't
wear them when you're around.

371
00:13:12,150 --> 00:13:14,550
- You are dressed like Ryan!
- Are you around me all the time? No.

372
00:13:14,550 --> 00:13:15,750
Dressing up like someone else

373
00:13:15,790 --> 00:13:17,290
isn't going to work.

374
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,560
- Unlike this crystal...
- Shut up.

375
00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:21,730
And I am never taking this crystal off.

376
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,760
Well, I mean, except if
I'm making a tomato sauce

377
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,630
and the crystal keeps
dipping in the tomato sauce.

378
00:13:26,670 --> 00:13:28,700
Then I'll take it off, and
that's just being practical.

379
00:13:28,730 --> 00:13:31,300
I don't know too much
about crystal care,

380
00:13:31,340 --> 00:13:33,140
but, oh, I intend to find out.

381
00:13:33,170 --> 00:13:34,940
See?

382
00:13:34,970 --> 00:13:36,440
I made the right decision.

383
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:37,910
Kids need to be in nature.

384
00:13:37,940 --> 00:13:40,380
Emily Kopnik saw a butterfly

385
00:13:40,410 --> 00:13:42,210
and she said, "Oh, my God,

386
00:13:42,250 --> 00:13:44,780
- country lice can fly."
- Oh, cool.

387
00:13:44,820 --> 00:13:46,980
Well, I'm sensitive and I
care about things like that.

388
00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:49,260
- Do you like leaves, Eddie?
- No.

389
00:13:49,420 --> 00:13:50,660
Me, too, buddy. Me, too.

390
00:13:50,690 --> 00:13:52,960
So rake 'em

391
00:13:52,990 --> 00:13:56,130
into a observational
mound... or "a pile"...

392
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:58,130
and then we transfer the piles

393
00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:00,130
into one of these special research bags

394
00:14:00,170 --> 00:14:01,830
which you kids can take home.

395
00:14:01,870 --> 00:14:03,170
Hey.

396
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:04,440
What's happening here?

397
00:14:04,470 --> 00:14:05,670
Here's another rake.

398
00:14:05,700 --> 00:14:07,110
You're not just having the kids, uh,

399
00:14:07,140 --> 00:14:08,770
rake the leaves and put them in a bag,

400
00:14:08,810 --> 00:14:10,170
- are you?
- What now?

401
00:14:10,210 --> 00:14:11,680
I mean, do, uh... what
else do you have planned?

402
00:14:11,710 --> 00:14:12,940
Oh, don't worry about it.

403
00:14:12,980 --> 00:14:14,610
I'm a... biology professional.

404
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,120
So, how's that phantom
ulcer treating you?

405
00:14:21,150 --> 00:14:22,450
I sent you those Q4 reports...

406
00:14:22,490 --> 00:14:23,860
Horrible burning!

407
00:14:23,890 --> 00:14:25,460
Well, I'm glad you're back.

408
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:27,530
See? Look how glad I am.

409
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:28,930
Gina, let me run point on red potatoes.

410
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,130
I've got three pitches

411
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,430
already ready to rock.

412
00:14:31,460 --> 00:14:32,630
Here's a taste.

413
00:14:32,660 --> 00:14:34,270
That's the first one.

414
00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:35,600
That's the first pitch. "Here'a taste."

415
00:14:35,630 --> 00:14:37,370
It's just a picture of a red potato,

416
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,140
and the tagline is: "Here's
a... here's a taste."

417
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:42,040
There's that New York sense
of humor again, Schmidt.

418
00:14:42,070 --> 00:14:43,710
Come on, Gina. Give me
a shot at red potatoes.

419
00:14:43,740 --> 00:14:45,440
No way, 'cause I need you.

420
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:46,940
You're the best sort of

421
00:14:46,980 --> 00:14:48,680
mid-level employee I've ever had.

422
00:14:48,710 --> 00:14:51,020
You are the ass to my horse.

423
00:14:51,050 --> 00:14:52,680
And I'm gonna keep you right here,

424
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,790
right by my side, where I can find you.

425
00:14:54,820 --> 00:14:55,990
Forever.

426
00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:57,260
Forever?

427
00:14:57,260 --> 00:14:57,720
Yeah, speaking of...
Forever?

428
00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:58,520
Yeah, speaking of...

429
00:14:58,530 --> 00:15:00,360
might need you to suit up

430
00:15:00,390 --> 00:15:02,860
for my son's birthday
this Saturday, so...

431
00:15:02,900 --> 00:15:04,830
What are these? Doesn't matter.

432
00:15:04,860 --> 00:15:07,000
Keep your phone on, okay?

433
00:15:07,030 --> 00:15:09,670
You know, sometimes I think about life,

434
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:12,440
and it just makes me want to cry.

435
00:15:15,210 --> 00:15:17,010
Respond to my sharing, please.

436
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,680
You're putting on a real
creepy, murdery vibe today.

437
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:21,710
- Just FYI.
- I'm not trying to do that. I was...

438
00:15:21,750 --> 00:15:23,480
Just, like, going forward in your day,

439
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,520
- you should know that.
- Just trying to be, like, feeling...

440
00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:27,220
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

441
00:15:27,250 --> 00:15:28,590
What's going on?

442
00:15:28,620 --> 00:15:30,320
I think they might just be doing

443
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,760
- frickin' yard work.
- I don't know

444
00:15:31,790 --> 00:15:33,260
What I been told

445
00:15:33,290 --> 00:15:34,830
I don't know what I been told

446
00:15:34,860 --> 00:15:36,030
Whoa.

447
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:37,530
Foster's butt is mighty old

448
00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:40,570
Foster's butt is mighty old

449
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,070
Oh, we're violating
every child labor law.

450
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:45,840
They're really good singers.

451
00:15:45,870 --> 00:15:48,210
Keep up the rhythm. Mama won't be happy

452
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:49,670
till you clear the back forty.

453
00:15:49,710 --> 00:15:51,210
Biology teacher?

454
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,340
Is this your house?

455
00:15:53,380 --> 00:15:55,350
Did you bring the kids here to work?

456
00:15:55,380 --> 00:15:57,350
First of all, my name is Lorenzo.

457
00:15:57,380 --> 00:15:58,950
Secondly, yes.

458
00:15:58,980 --> 00:16:00,940
But you're the one who picked my trip,

459
00:16:00,950 --> 00:16:02,590
so it's your fault.

460
00:16:02,620 --> 00:16:04,620
Can I have some water?

461
00:16:04,660 --> 00:16:07,190
- Okay, guys, stop working.
- Don't listen to her. Keep working.

462
00:16:07,230 --> 00:16:08,600
You don't have to work.

463
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:11,040
-  I'm the vice principal.
- Not technically at school, so keep working.

464
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:12,430
- Stop working!
- Keep working!

465
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,440
Wasps! Everybody stay calm!

466
00:16:19,470 --> 00:16:21,040
Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
they're getting in my eyes.

467
00:16:21,070 --> 00:16:23,710
Aah! Damn you bees!

468
00:16:23,740 --> 00:16:24,940
Ah! They got me!

469
00:16:24,980 --> 00:16:26,440
Ah, screw it.

470
00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:27,480
Here comes me.

471
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,480
I sting too, bees.

472
00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:31,580
Bees don't bother me.

473
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:34,990
Seems like it was a great field trip.

474
00:16:35,030 --> 00:16:36,290
So sorry I missed it.

475
00:16:36,330 --> 00:16:37,960
I feel like a bunch of tiny people

476
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,730
are holding tiny little
lighters to my face.

477
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,300
Today was a complete and total disaster,

478
00:16:43,340 --> 00:16:45,100
from start to finish.

479
00:16:45,140 --> 00:16:48,310
I've never failed so hard
at my job ever in my life.

480
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,310
Everyone's so mad at
me, but I was just trying

481
00:16:50,340 --> 00:16:51,940
- to make them happy.
- Jess, you can't make everyone happy.

482
00:16:51,980 --> 00:16:53,280
You don't need them to like you.

483
00:16:53,310 --> 00:16:55,250
You just need them to listen to you.

484
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,680
- You're the boss.
- Yeah.

485
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,980
I mean, if you were a man
dating someone at work,

486
00:16:59,020 --> 00:17:00,650
do you think that you would be worried

487
00:17:00,690 --> 00:17:02,420
about what everyone else was thinking?

488
00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:03,660
You'd be, like,
in the conference room,

489
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:04,920
like, "Meeting adjourned.

490
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,420
Except for you, Sheila."

491
00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:07,830
But that's not me.

492
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,960
I care what people think. I always have.

493
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,230
Then your only option is
to go in and be yourself.

494
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:14,530
Just got to own it.

495
00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:17,500
I think I'm a little scared.

496
00:17:17,540 --> 00:17:20,610
Well, that's very
interesting. You see...

497
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,670
- Have you been here this whole time?
- The entire time.

498
00:17:22,710 --> 00:17:26,780
That is why God... made crystals.

499
00:17:26,810 --> 00:17:28,850
Why did he make that shirt?

500
00:17:35,050 --> 00:17:36,860
Hey.

501
00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:39,960
- Hey, look, Nick, I got to talk to you.
- I got to talk to you.

502
00:17:39,990 --> 00:17:41,990
- You go first.
- You go first.

503
00:17:42,030 --> 00:17:43,730
Okay, you know what?
You were right, Nick.

504
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:45,360
I am a corporate monkey.

505
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,200
I don't want to be an old man

506
00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:50,170
looking back on a meager life of...

507
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,570
selling red potatoes for the man.

508
00:17:52,610 --> 00:17:55,310
I don't want to be a
lazy bum my whole life.

509
00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:59,580
I want to be the kind of
bum that other bums look at

510
00:17:59,610 --> 00:18:01,980
and say, "What's that
bum smiling about?"

511
00:18:02,010 --> 00:18:04,720
I get that.

512
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,240
I just had an idea, Schmidt.

513
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,060
I just had an idea, too,
but I feel like it's stupid.

514
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:09,920
- I feel like mine's stupid. Let's do it.
- I'm gonna... I'm just gonna...

515
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,160
I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
- But I want to hear what you have to say.

516
00:18:12,190 --> 00:18:15,020
It's important to me... 'Cause maybe
it's the same thing, maybe it's different.

517
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:16,730
It might be the
same thing, so maybe we should just say it.

518
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:19,060
- You want to do the classic on 11?
- Yeah, okay, great.

519
00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:22,000
One, two, three, four, five, six,

520
00:18:22,030 --> 00:18:23,770
seven, eight, nine, ten, 11...

521
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,770
- Let's work together again!
- Let's work together again!

522
00:18:25,810 --> 00:18:27,840
- Yes! I knew it! That was awesome!
- That was it, man. That was it.

523
00:18:27,870 --> 00:18:29,070
Back in business.

524
00:18:29,110 --> 00:18:30,610
Yeah!

525
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:31,740
Let's start jamming ideas.

526
00:18:31,780 --> 00:18:33,080
Turkey.

527
00:18:33,110 --> 00:18:35,510
Robot. Turkey robot. Just got it in one.

528
00:18:35,550 --> 00:18:37,280
- All right, let's draw up a...
- I don't think we did.

529
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:38,320
Okay. Ready? Black.

530
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:39,850
Robot. Black robot.

531
00:18:39,890 --> 00:18:41,520
- Ooh, that's even better, son.
- Boom.

532
00:18:41,550 --> 00:18:43,050
- Let's push for number two.
- Let's... let's...

533
00:18:43,090 --> 00:18:44,620
- Exactly...
- Black robot.

534
00:18:44,660 --> 00:18:46,290
The blackest robot in town.

535
00:18:46,330 --> 00:18:49,190
That robot's so black,
it's the blackest.

536
00:18:49,230 --> 00:18:51,140
I feel like marketing's gonna
be a nightmare on that one.

537
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:52,560
Okay. I'm not good at marketing.
I'm good at ideas.

538
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:53,800
- Let's stay away from robots.
- Okay.

539
00:18:53,830 --> 00:18:55,530
- Yeah? All right.
- Okay.

540
00:18:55,570 --> 00:18:58,140
Robot robot.

541
00:19:00,010 --> 00:19:01,310
I said let's stay away
from robots, though,

542
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:03,040
- and you just said ro...
- Okay.

543
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,040
- Black turkey!
- Look, let's maybe pick it up later.

544
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:07,080
- Computers for babies.
- We are back!

545
00:19:07,110 --> 00:19:09,250
Hair that looks like a
helmet. Or vice versa...

546
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,150
helmet that looks like a
hair is actually pretty smart.

547
00:19:11,180 --> 00:19:12,480
Oh, I'm really hot right now.

548
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,250
A water bottle with the top cut off.

549
00:19:14,290 --> 00:19:16,890
- That's a cup!
- That is just a cup. Scratch it.

550
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,220
Ladies.

551
00:19:19,260 --> 00:19:21,560
- Ooh... you got bee'd up, dude.
- Yeah.

552
00:19:21,590 --> 00:19:23,600
- You look like a monster.
- Yeah.

553
00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:24,930
I'm not even joking.

554
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,100
- You look so ugly right now.
- So ugly.

555
00:19:27,130 --> 00:19:29,970
Look, I'm not some little
sensitive British guy, okay?

556
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:31,500
I am Coach.

557
00:19:31,540 --> 00:19:33,510
But right now, I am in so much pain

558
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,510
that I am losing my mind.

559
00:19:35,540 --> 00:19:37,280
And I might never recover.

560
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:40,110
So say hello to the new me,

561
00:19:40,150 --> 00:19:42,950
who's basically a street
lunatic with a face made of fire!

562
00:19:43,980 --> 00:19:45,580
They sting you in your pants?

563
00:19:45,620 --> 00:19:47,090
Yeah, they...

564
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,590
they stung my doodad.

565
00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:50,460
I'm gonna get you some lotion.

566
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:53,490
- Ow.
- Ooh!

567
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,360
Everyone, um, before
we begin this meeting,

568
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,300
I just want to say that...

569
00:20:00,330 --> 00:20:02,170
yes, Ryan is my boyfriend.

570
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,340
And yes, I let it affect my job

571
00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:06,170
because I care what you think of me,

572
00:20:06,210 --> 00:20:07,510
and I always have.

573
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,170
But here's what you should know:

574
00:20:09,210 --> 00:20:12,640
I love my job, and I
love this man right here.

575
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,310
Wow.

576
00:20:16,350 --> 00:20:18,650
I've been waiting for a
moment to tell you that,

577
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,650
and I guess...

578
00:20:20,690 --> 00:20:22,690
this is it.

579
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:24,190
This is perfect.

580
00:20:24,220 --> 00:20:27,360
And, uh, just for the
record, I love you, too.

581
00:20:27,390 --> 00:20:30,730
This speech is wonderful,
so please keep going.

582
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:34,630
Oh, yeah. Um, and you can
come to me with any problems

583
00:20:34,670 --> 00:20:36,330
or anything you want to ask me,

584
00:20:36,370 --> 00:20:37,740
but I'm gonna make

585
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:39,840
some decisions that you don't like,

586
00:20:39,870 --> 00:20:43,010
and you're just gonna
have to deal with it.

587
00:20:44,580 --> 00:20:48,050
So, uh, let's get back to work, okay?

588
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,510
So, is that the end
of the meeting, then?

589
00:20:49,550 --> 00:20:52,520
Yep. Uh... yeah, I got
a little carried away

590
00:20:52,550 --> 00:20:54,900
with the moment there.

591
00:20:55,100 --> 00:20:56,180
Anyway...

592
00:20:57,500 --> 00:20:58,900
- Put it on.
- Put the crystal on.

593
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:02,000
And... There we go.

594
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,020
Not gonna do anything.

595
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:35,540
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com