1
00:00:00,597 --> 00:00:03,450
The guys and I are about
to leave for the airport,
2
00:00:03,490 --> 00:00:05,096
and I'm so excited to see you.
3
00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:07,966
- Is that Ryan?
- I can't wait for you to see my hometown.
4
00:00:07,990 --> 00:00:10,136
It's going to be just like
An Affair to Remember,
5
00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:12,736
only instead of the Empire State
Building on New Year's Eve,
6
00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:14,906
it's going to be a winery
near the Portland airport
7
00:00:14,930 --> 00:00:16,446
at my dad's wedding.
8
00:00:16,470 --> 00:00:19,776
Anyway, I love you, I miss you.
9
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:22,516
Hello? Hello?
10
00:00:22,540 --> 00:00:23,956
Sounds like I lost you for a minute!
11
00:00:25,010 --> 00:00:26,316
Are you there?!
12
00:00:26,340 --> 00:00:28,956
Where's my widdle Eng-wish man?
13
00:00:28,980 --> 00:00:31,596
And with that, Ryan walked
into the River Thames
14
00:00:31,620 --> 00:00:33,356
and accepted death.
15
00:00:33,380 --> 00:00:35,596
The joke's on you, 'cause I
wasn't even talking to him.
16
00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:37,596
I was leaving a voice mail.
17
00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:39,136
Haven't talked to him for a week.
18
00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:41,666
Are you guys making a group face?
19
00:00:41,690 --> 00:00:42,706
- No, we're not...
- No.
20
00:00:42,730 --> 00:00:43,606
- Nah.
- Guys, look,
21
00:00:43,630 --> 00:00:45,206
Ryan and I are great.
22
00:00:45,230 --> 00:00:46,776
Really? 'Cause he doesn't call enough.
23
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,306
And when he does, it's in
the middle of the night.
24
00:00:48,330 --> 00:00:49,676
Ryan didn't want to move to England,
25
00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:50,946
he had to move to England.
26
00:00:50,970 --> 00:00:52,616
For the last couple of weeks,
27
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:54,710
you've been keeping Nick
hours, and... and it's ugly.
28
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:57,616
Hey. Sorry.
29
00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,456
I was talking to Ryan before he went to work
30
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:00,886
and I must have fallen asleep.
31
00:01:00,910 --> 00:01:03,896
Friend to friend, am I wearing pants?
32
00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:05,556
The situation isn't ideal,
33
00:01:05,580 --> 00:01:08,826
however, long distance is super romantic.
34
00:01:08,850 --> 00:01:10,896
Plus I don't have to shave my legs every day
35
00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:11,966
which is a real plus.
36
00:01:11,990 --> 00:01:13,036
You know, Fawn shaves herself
37
00:01:13,060 --> 00:01:14,336
from toe to chin.
38
00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:15,866
Every single day.
39
00:01:15,890 --> 00:01:17,876
God, I love my girlfriend.
40
00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:19,806
Hey. Oh, Cece.
41
00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:21,206
Yeah, what? Huge news.
42
00:01:21,230 --> 00:01:23,306
Jake Apex is coming to the wedding.
43
00:01:23,330 --> 00:01:25,016
Jake Apex?
44
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:26,476
Who is Jake Apex?
45
00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:28,046
Jake Apex is Cece's high school crush.
46
00:01:28,070 --> 00:01:31,916
Never did anything for me,
but turned Cece to soup.
47
00:01:31,940 --> 00:01:33,886
- Thanks.
- Mm. Yeah.
48
00:01:33,910 --> 00:01:35,226
Is he one of them Portland hippies?
49
00:01:35,250 --> 00:01:36,426
'Cause I hate them Portland hippies.
50
00:01:36,450 --> 00:01:37,426
He is a legend.
51
00:01:37,450 --> 00:01:38,856
Every time I spoke to him,
52
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,026
I'd have a full-blown tiny kid stroke.
53
00:01:41,050 --> 00:01:42,866
Hey, killer.
54
00:01:42,890 --> 00:01:44,866
I... d... uh... mm...
55
00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:48,936
Yeah, well, I got a bad
feeling about this guy.
56
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,036
Why, because he's bomb and Cece wants some?
57
00:01:51,060 --> 00:01:52,906
No. Other reasons.
58
00:01:52,930 --> 00:01:56,630
Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have to go water my succulents.
59
00:02:01,370 --> 00:02:02,616
How do you know Apex is so cute?
60
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:03,616
I just assumed.
61
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,616
Winston, stop with the look, okay?
62
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:07,026
Otherwise I will murder you
63
00:02:07,050 --> 00:02:08,726
and clean up your blood with your cat.
64
00:02:08,750 --> 00:02:12,696
All right? For the 50th
time, I do not like Schmidt.
65
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,226
Good luck finding my cat.
66
00:02:14,250 --> 00:02:16,366
You know, I haven't seen him in weeks.
67
00:02:16,390 --> 00:02:18,366
My best man suit.
68
00:02:18,390 --> 00:02:19,866
Oh.
69
00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:21,406
I'm my dad's best man.
70
00:02:21,430 --> 00:02:23,790
He wanted a boy. My
middle name's Christopher.
71
00:02:28,900 --> 00:02:30,830
Yeah.
72
00:02:35,460 --> 00:02:37,467
☯Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17☯
❃www.addic7ed.com❃
73
00:02:37,468 --> 00:02:40,756
♪ You're scheming on a
thing, that's sabotage ♪
74
00:02:40,780 --> 00:02:44,726
♪ I can't stand it, I
know you planned it ♪
75
00:02:44,750 --> 00:02:46,796
♪ I'm-a set it straight,
this Watergate... ♪
76
00:02:46,820 --> 00:02:48,326
The Co-Pays are awesome.
77
00:02:48,350 --> 00:02:50,496
I can't believe they're also pharmacists.
78
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,896
♪ I'm-a Buddy Rich when
I fly off the handle ♪
79
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:55,806
♪ What could it be? It's a mirage ♪
80
00:02:55,830 --> 00:02:58,306
♪ You're scheming on a
thing, that's sabotage. ♪
81
00:02:58,330 --> 00:02:59,836
That's really good.
82
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,176
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
83
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:04,516
This is a nice place.
84
00:03:04,540 --> 00:03:06,346
I mean, it's not the best
vineyard in Portland.
85
00:03:06,370 --> 00:03:08,816
- Here we go.
- That's Bartleby Cellars, of course.
86
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,286
How would you even know that?
87
00:03:10,310 --> 00:03:12,016
Whenever Coach goes to a new city,
88
00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:14,656
he learns all about it, like a real weirdo.
89
00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,186
I was an army brat, all right?
90
00:03:16,210 --> 00:03:18,256
I moved a lot. Assimilating was key.
91
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:19,156
Oh, and by the way,
92
00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:20,696
calling somebody weird in Portland
93
00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:22,596
is actually a compliment, so thank you, Nick.
94
00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:23,936
Hey, oh.
95
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,366
It's just... Oh.
96
00:03:25,390 --> 00:03:26,966
Sorry, I thought I heard my phone ringing.
97
00:03:26,990 --> 00:03:29,206
Ryan's supposed to call me
before he gets on the plane.
98
00:03:29,230 --> 00:03:31,606
- Oh! Sorry.
- Jess, just take your phone out.
99
00:03:31,630 --> 00:03:33,276
No, Nick, I want to be here with you guys.
100
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:35,206
I want to... Sorry.
101
00:03:35,230 --> 00:03:36,276
I just want to...
102
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:37,276
Sorry.
103
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,876
Does anybody else hear buzzing?
104
00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:40,386
- No.
- No, 'cause it's not buzzing.
105
00:03:40,410 --> 00:03:42,486
No, honey, but, you know, he's
going to be here soon, okay?
106
00:03:42,510 --> 00:03:43,486
Yeah.
107
00:03:43,510 --> 00:03:45,516
Are you guys still touring the city?
108
00:03:45,540 --> 00:03:47,686
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
109
00:03:47,710 --> 00:03:50,296
I made about 12 drafts of this map.
110
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:51,726
Couldn't figure out where to go.
111
00:03:51,750 --> 00:03:54,026
Had to fit 18 years into one morning.
112
00:03:54,050 --> 00:03:55,566
So, here it is.
113
00:03:55,590 --> 00:03:57,236
Aw. I'm so excited to show him Portland,
114
00:03:57,260 --> 00:03:59,696
and my mom is so excited to meet him.
115
00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:01,966
And I'm going to show him...
116
00:04:01,990 --> 00:04:03,336
- Jess, it's not buzzing.
- It's not buzzing.
117
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:05,036
- I promise you it's not.
- It's not buzzing.
118
00:04:05,060 --> 00:04:06,906
- Oh, there's my dad.
- Hey, guys.
119
00:04:06,930 --> 00:04:08,346
Sounded great. You sounded great.
120
00:04:08,370 --> 00:04:10,516
You look terrific, too.
121
00:04:10,540 --> 00:04:11,846
Hey!
122
00:04:11,870 --> 00:04:14,186
- Oh, there's my daughter.
- Oh...
123
00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:17,256
I thought we talked about
you not calling me that.
124
00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:18,816
Yeah, yeah.
125
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:20,356
Hey, how's the food?
126
00:04:20,380 --> 00:04:21,926
I haven't eaten in three weeks.
127
00:04:21,950 --> 00:04:23,556
Trying to fit into my wedding dress.
128
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,656
Had a dream about a crouton last night.
129
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:27,896
And, um...
130
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:30,866
And that was the whole dream.
131
00:04:30,890 --> 00:04:32,796
Ooh, before I forget,
132
00:04:32,820 --> 00:04:33,866
best man.
133
00:04:33,890 --> 00:04:34,866
Aw.
134
00:04:34,890 --> 00:04:36,006
The wedding rings.
135
00:04:36,030 --> 00:04:38,836
Hey, I want you to meet a bunch of relatives
136
00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:40,446
that are all going to be
dead in a couple of years.
137
00:04:40,470 --> 00:04:41,876
- Oh, good idea.
- Oh.
138
00:04:41,900 --> 00:04:43,246
Hey, what happened to the British guy?
139
00:04:43,270 --> 00:04:44,700
He's coming tomorrow.
140
00:04:45,970 --> 00:04:47,286
Hey, Jake.
141
00:04:47,310 --> 00:04:49,716
Jake Apex. That's him.
That's him right there.
142
00:04:49,740 --> 00:04:51,556
I will say one thing about that man
143
00:04:51,580 --> 00:04:54,626
that I've only said about
Ryan Gosling... hot damn!
144
00:04:54,650 --> 00:04:55,626
What's up, Winston?
145
00:04:55,650 --> 00:04:56,726
I'm gonna just go...
146
00:04:56,750 --> 00:04:57,726
I'm gonna go talk to him, yeah.
147
00:04:57,750 --> 00:04:59,456
- You're good.
- Yup.
148
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,126
- You're okay.
- Gonna...
149
00:05:01,150 --> 00:05:02,966
I didn't know that was a thing. You...
150
00:05:02,990 --> 00:05:04,820
Okay.
151
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,876
Oh, this is very hard to watch.
152
00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:13,276
It's like when Bob Costas
153
00:05:13,300 --> 00:05:14,476
had that eye infection at the O-Lympics.
154
00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:16,106
You mean the Olympics.
155
00:05:22,510 --> 00:05:24,656
Okay. Oh, God.
156
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:25,956
Okay, what happened?
157
00:05:25,980 --> 00:05:27,256
Did I look cool?
158
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,256
- Uh...
- Define "cool."
159
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:31,156
What happened? I don't know
what hap... I blacked out.
160
00:05:31,180 --> 00:05:32,296
Okay, look, Cece...
161
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,396
I'm gonna help you.
162
00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:36,396
I'm Usher, you're Bieber.
163
00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:37,996
And Jake Apex
164
00:05:38,020 --> 00:05:39,236
is all the hot tracks
165
00:05:39,260 --> 00:05:40,436
that we're going to make together.
166
00:05:40,460 --> 00:05:42,566
- Hey.
- Hey.
167
00:05:42,590 --> 00:05:46,976
So, um... Ryan's not coming.
168
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,146
Oh, boy.
169
00:05:49,170 --> 00:05:50,446
He has to work on Monday
170
00:05:50,470 --> 00:05:51,846
and he thought, ultimately,
171
00:05:51,870 --> 00:05:53,246
it didn't make sense, which makes sense.
172
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,646
It's not a big deal.
173
00:05:54,670 --> 00:05:57,116
But the tour's canceled.
174
00:05:57,140 --> 00:06:00,510
: Hey, Randy, the tour's canceled.
175
00:06:01,780 --> 00:06:04,326
: I don't know why I did that.
176
00:06:04,350 --> 00:06:05,926
Anyway, go ahead, Nick. Go ahead.
177
00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:07,796
Talk about how much this sucks.
178
00:06:07,820 --> 00:06:09,266
Tell me that Ryan's not coming
179
00:06:09,290 --> 00:06:11,166
'cause he's a blank who's a blank.
180
00:06:11,190 --> 00:06:13,036
I do have one thing to say.
181
00:06:13,060 --> 00:06:16,706
While you were away, we were all talking
182
00:06:16,730 --> 00:06:19,606
about how much we wanted to go on the tour.
183
00:06:19,630 --> 00:06:22,706
So don't cancel it. We'll do it with you!
184
00:06:22,730 --> 00:06:24,316
- Really?
- Yeah!
185
00:06:24,340 --> 00:06:25,246
- Yeah!
- Yes!
186
00:06:25,270 --> 00:06:26,316
Really?
187
00:06:26,340 --> 00:06:27,686
- Yes!
- Fired up.
188
00:06:27,710 --> 00:06:29,786
- We haven't stopped talking about...
- Yeah, man.
189
00:06:29,810 --> 00:06:30,616
Couldn't be more excited.
190
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:31,886
All 18 places!
191
00:06:31,910 --> 00:06:33,856
- There's 18?
- Wow.
192
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,656
I'm going to add a few more stops, then.
193
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,696
I definitely know you'd
enjoy the Shakespeare Garden.
194
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,150
Ha-ha, great.
195
00:06:40,131 --> 00:06:43,126
Guys, Jess says she's
fine, but I know she's not.
196
00:06:43,150 --> 00:06:44,796
Okay? She needs cheering up.
197
00:06:44,820 --> 00:06:45,996
We're in her hometown.
198
00:06:46,020 --> 00:06:47,296
I can't believe Ryan bailed.
199
00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:48,466
I'm not happy with what Ryan's doing.
200
00:06:48,490 --> 00:06:49,966
It's, it's not cool.
201
00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:53,076
But today, it's all sunshine and smiles.
202
00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:54,676
Hey, hey, hey, hey... Let
me, let me get sunshine.
203
00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:55,846
Let me get sunshine.
204
00:06:55,870 --> 00:06:57,006
Okay, yeah, you can be sunshine.
205
00:06:57,030 --> 00:06:58,716
Yes!
206
00:06:58,740 --> 00:07:00,376
Here she is... Sunshine and smiles!
207
00:07:02,510 --> 00:07:03,986
- Jess!
- Sending the sun in!
208
00:07:04,010 --> 00:07:05,086
Hi.
209
00:07:05,110 --> 00:07:06,356
So... I'm sorry this is so small.
210
00:07:06,380 --> 00:07:08,856
It was just meant for Ryan and me.
211
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:09,856
- No worries.
- No problem. - It's great.
212
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:10,856
Your shoes look super-cute.
213
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:12,596
- You look great.
- You look great.
214
00:07:12,620 --> 00:07:14,426
- Let's see if... Ryan...
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
215
00:07:14,450 --> 00:07:17,496
Give me that purse! No
more checking in with Ryan.
216
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:18,836
The tour starts now.
217
00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:24,036
And there's the Italian soda shop
218
00:07:24,060 --> 00:07:26,706
where I first learning what a "not" joke was.
219
00:07:26,730 --> 00:07:27,706
Not!
220
00:07:27,730 --> 00:07:29,246
I... I learned it, actually,
221
00:07:29,270 --> 00:07:30,846
in the candle shop, next-door.
222
00:07:30,870 --> 00:07:33,040
People don't really do "not" jokes anymore.
223
00:07:34,270 --> 00:07:36,516
Not! They'll be in forever!
224
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,056
- Right, guys?
- Not!
225
00:07:39,410 --> 00:07:40,916
And there's the dance studio
226
00:07:40,940 --> 00:07:42,256
where I had my first kiss
227
00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:45,026
with the cutest/only boy in my jazz troupe.
228
00:07:45,050 --> 00:07:47,526
Then he came out of the closet... super gay.
229
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:48,866
Then we kissed some more.
230
00:07:48,890 --> 00:07:50,726
Then he went to Oberlin.
231
00:07:50,750 --> 00:07:51,736
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
232
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:53,136
Stop in that store!
233
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,990
I'm going full Portland, people.
234
00:07:56,990 --> 00:07:59,636
I'm so Portland right now,
they all staring at me
235
00:07:59,660 --> 00:08:01,546
like, "Is that the president of Portland?"
236
00:08:02,670 --> 00:08:04,446
I'm like, "No."
237
00:08:04,470 --> 00:08:07,716
This is the very pizza place
where we'd dab our pizzas
238
00:08:07,740 --> 00:08:09,586
with our napkins, to get the grease off,
239
00:08:09,610 --> 00:08:12,656
and then we'd make this kid named Joey
240
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:14,086
eat the napkins.
241
00:08:16,350 --> 00:08:17,996
I'm not gonna lie...
242
00:08:18,020 --> 00:08:19,780
I'm Joey.
243
00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:22,466
Hmm.
244
00:08:22,490 --> 00:08:23,596
: Oh, my God.
245
00:08:23,620 --> 00:08:25,896
Oh, no, he's here.
246
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,266
He's here. He just walked in.
247
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:29,606
Oh, is he a firefighter?
248
00:08:29,630 --> 00:08:30,966
Seems pretty easy in Portland, huh?
249
00:08:30,990 --> 00:08:32,436
Rain just does the work for you.
250
00:08:32,460 --> 00:08:34,436
Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
251
00:08:34,460 --> 00:08:36,906
No! Do... do not go and talk to him.
252
00:08:36,930 --> 00:08:38,576
Do not go and talk to him.
253
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,616
Cece, not everything's
about you, you narcissist.
254
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:43,746
All right, just... go to the bathroom,
255
00:08:43,770 --> 00:08:45,110
like you said you'd...
256
00:08:46,380 --> 00:08:48,426
And... he's talking to him.
257
00:08:48,450 --> 00:08:50,456
Just don't look. Just don't look.
Oh, well, he's looking at you.
258
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,286
- What? What? Really?
- No, like, right now,
259
00:08:51,310 --> 00:08:52,426
he's staring at you.
260
00:08:52,450 --> 00:08:53,996
Don't, don't, don't, don't look, don't look.
261
00:08:54,020 --> 00:08:55,796
Don't look. The cutest
one's looking right at me.
262
00:08:55,820 --> 00:08:58,536
I don't see a "cute" or
"not cute" one, Coach.
263
00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:00,836
If you had to choose, which one's the cutest?
264
00:09:00,860 --> 00:09:01,890
Way to the left.
265
00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:05,636
: I'm super nervous.
266
00:09:05,660 --> 00:09:06,806
Now my hands are sweating.
267
00:09:06,830 --> 00:09:08,006
Then wipe 'em off.
268
00:09:08,030 --> 00:09:09,306
If he comes over and shakes your hand,
269
00:09:09,330 --> 00:09:10,476
- you don't want sweaty hands.
- Oh, my God!
270
00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:12,116
He said he thinks you're cute.
271
00:09:12,140 --> 00:09:14,046
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my
God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
272
00:09:14,070 --> 00:09:15,286
Hey, Nick, can I have my phone?
273
00:09:15,310 --> 00:09:17,040
You know what? Never mind. I don't care.
274
00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:20,516
So this is my childhood home,
275
00:09:20,540 --> 00:09:21,986
the place of my birth.
276
00:09:22,010 --> 00:09:23,886
Thank you guys so much for doing this,
277
00:09:23,910 --> 00:09:25,456
and coming on this tour with me.
278
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:27,726
I forgot all about...
279
00:09:27,750 --> 00:09:31,026
Hello, hello, hello, darling!
280
00:09:33,860 --> 00:09:36,906
Where's the famous Mr. Geauxinue?
281
00:09:36,930 --> 00:09:38,536
Um... well...
282
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:40,406
actually, um, Ryan...
283
00:09:40,430 --> 00:09:42,646
had to cancel last-minute,
so he's not coming.
284
00:09:42,670 --> 00:09:44,646
I'm so sorry.
285
00:09:44,670 --> 00:09:47,016
Oh, honey...
286
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:48,516
that's just awful.
287
00:09:48,540 --> 00:09:50,016
Aw...
288
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:52,016
Damn men.
289
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,516
Oh, I feel so bad for you.
290
00:09:54,540 --> 00:09:56,526
Hey, Mom... Mom... Oh, honey...
291
00:09:56,550 --> 00:09:58,096
Um...
292
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:01,096
don't get emotional, okay?
293
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,526
'Cause if you get emotional,
I'll get emotional.
294
00:10:03,550 --> 00:10:04,766
Let's talk about happy stuff.
295
00:10:04,790 --> 00:10:06,196
Did you guys see the video of
296
00:10:06,220 --> 00:10:08,036
the panda farting and falling of a branch?
297
00:10:09,460 --> 00:10:10,906
- Pretty crazy, man.
- It was funny. It was funny.
298
00:10:10,930 --> 00:10:12,006
It made me laugh.
299
00:10:12,030 --> 00:10:14,436
Who wants scramblies?
300
00:10:14,460 --> 00:10:15,606
You know I do, Mom.
301
00:10:15,630 --> 00:10:16,870
: Good.
302
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:28,256
Look, this might not be the right time
303
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:29,956
to say this, you guys, but, uh,
304
00:10:29,980 --> 00:10:31,796
should we take a straw poll
on this whole Cosby thing?
305
00:10:31,820 --> 00:10:33,556
I just want to clarify
306
00:10:33,580 --> 00:10:36,396
to everyone here that I am fine.
307
00:10:36,420 --> 00:10:37,866
Which is why I'm fine.
308
00:10:37,890 --> 00:10:38,866
- Great!
- Yeah.
309
00:10:38,890 --> 00:10:40,466
- Finer than fine.
- Mm-hmm.
310
00:10:40,490 --> 00:10:42,536
- Which is why I'm fine.
- Fantastic!
311
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:43,566
- I'm fine, too. Everybody's great.
- Perfect.
312
00:10:45,130 --> 00:10:46,776
I'm not fine!
313
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:48,546
I can't do this anymore.
314
00:10:48,570 --> 00:10:50,146
It's not all smiles and sunshine.
315
00:10:50,170 --> 00:10:52,116
It's not!
316
00:10:52,140 --> 00:10:54,476
Look, Ryan bailed and that's a dick move.
317
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:55,986
And that's the truth.
318
00:10:56,010 --> 00:10:59,316
: I'm fine, I'm just gonna go to my room.
319
00:10:59,340 --> 00:11:01,786
: I made scones.
320
00:11:03,110 --> 00:11:05,096
Was that sunshine or smiles? Hmm?
321
00:11:06,980 --> 00:11:09,066
Oh...
322
00:11:09,090 --> 00:11:10,796
Joanie...
323
00:11:10,820 --> 00:11:13,496
I don't want to lie to you, so I'm not...
324
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,290
There's shells all in these eggs.
325
00:11:16,249 --> 00:11:19,476
So, Joan, how do you, uh, feel
about Bob getting remarried?
326
00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:21,046
Mm! Oh, I'm fine.
327
00:11:21,070 --> 00:11:22,586
I just feel bad for Ashley.
328
00:11:22,610 --> 00:11:23,956
I mean, let's just say
329
00:11:23,980 --> 00:11:25,616
he's a man with a healthy appetite,
330
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,986
except one thing.
331
00:11:29,580 --> 00:11:30,926
Well, that's a visual.
332
00:11:30,950 --> 00:11:32,596
I don't really have a burning desire
333
00:11:32,620 --> 00:11:34,126
to stick around for the wedding,
334
00:11:34,150 --> 00:11:35,826
so I'm going on a trip
335
00:11:35,850 --> 00:11:38,096
- with some friends.
- Hmm!
336
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:40,936
A trip I've never taken before.
337
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,160
Hmm!
338
00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:52,116
Hey! You mind if I turn this down?
339
00:11:54,210 --> 00:11:56,916
"AP Stat Jams."
340
00:11:56,940 --> 00:11:58,440
Advanced Placement.
341
00:11:59,380 --> 00:12:00,786
Very smart.
342
00:12:00,810 --> 00:12:03,526
How many Lilith Fairs did you go to?
343
00:12:03,550 --> 00:12:05,856
Oh, Method Man performed at that one?
344
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:07,366
It's Liliths Fair.
345
00:12:07,390 --> 00:12:09,826
Like "passersby..."
346
00:12:09,850 --> 00:12:11,296
or "attorneys general."
347
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:14,336
Well, look, I came to, uh... give you this.
348
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:17,306
Text Ryan as much as you want,
it's none of my business.
349
00:12:17,330 --> 00:12:19,936
I just think long-distance
relationships suck.
350
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:23,176
I once broke up with a
woman who lived in Irvine,
351
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,816
and that's only 30 minutes away.
352
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:27,186
Mind you, I had hornets
living in my car at the time,
353
00:12:27,210 --> 00:12:28,616
which was a factor,
354
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,786
but the commute was also a big part of it.
355
00:12:30,810 --> 00:12:32,186
Well, look, Nick, we're different,
356
00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,456
and just because it's difficult with Ryan,
357
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:34,556
doesn't mean we're doomed.
358
00:12:34,580 --> 00:12:36,186
We're star-crossed lovers.
359
00:12:36,210 --> 00:12:38,326
We're like Kate and Leo...
360
00:12:38,350 --> 00:12:41,626
or... Claire and Leo, or...
361
00:12:41,650 --> 00:12:44,496
whatever blonde Leo is taking on boats.
362
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:45,966
They're all doomed.
363
00:12:45,990 --> 00:12:47,636
Leo ain't gonna settle
down... He ain't ready.
364
00:12:47,660 --> 00:12:51,376
I'm a hopeless romantic,
and I always have been.
365
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,236
Which is why...
366
00:12:53,260 --> 00:12:55,806
I mean, it's a nice notion, it's just...
367
00:12:55,830 --> 00:12:58,316
from 1994 to 2001,
368
00:12:58,340 --> 00:13:00,886
I believed that Jordan Catalano
369
00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:02,486
was gonna show up in my driveway
370
00:13:02,510 --> 00:13:03,986
after a dirt bike accident,
371
00:13:04,010 --> 00:13:07,326
all scruffy and... beautiful...
372
00:13:07,350 --> 00:13:10,356
and he would need a bath and some...
373
00:13:10,380 --> 00:13:11,996
medical attention.
374
00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:13,896
You think that little boy
is driving a dirt bike?
375
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,196
He looks a lot like you.
376
00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:18,196
That's me, that's Jordan Catalano.
377
00:13:18,220 --> 00:13:19,666
I honestly couldn't tell the difference.
378
00:13:19,690 --> 00:13:21,206
I swear to God. I'm not trying to be mean.
379
00:13:21,230 --> 00:13:23,266
You know what the problem
with Jordan Catalano is?
380
00:13:23,290 --> 00:13:25,536
Yeah... an undiagnosed learning disability.
381
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,446
Oh, I didn't know the boy
had mental problems...
382
00:13:27,470 --> 00:13:28,776
I wouldn't be teasing him, but...
383
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,616
No, it's that he's fake.
384
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,616
The only thing that matters
385
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:36,910
is if the guy is there
for you when you need him.
386
00:13:38,810 --> 00:13:42,126
Otherwise, you're dating a wall.
387
00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:44,356
I have to get to my dad's
wedding. I didn't...
388
00:13:44,380 --> 00:13:46,356
I didn't come in here trying
to be harsh, I'm ju...
389
00:13:46,380 --> 00:13:48,426
I was trying to be helpful
and it's not working
390
00:13:48,450 --> 00:13:49,766
and I apologize.
391
00:13:49,790 --> 00:13:52,160
I was coming in as a friend, Je...
392
00:13:56,060 --> 00:13:58,060
I'm sure that's just her.
393
00:14:00,670 --> 00:14:02,906
Well, the dream's dead.
394
00:14:02,930 --> 00:14:04,476
Apparently, Jake Apex has to work,
395
00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:06,376
so he's not gonna come to the wedding.
396
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:09,046
I'm wearing the craziest
underwear for nothing.
397
00:14:09,070 --> 00:14:11,316
Okay, look, Cece, you know
what we do? We regroup.
398
00:14:11,340 --> 00:14:12,886
No, it's fine, Schmidt. I'm over it.
399
00:14:12,910 --> 00:14:15,286
It is not fine.
400
00:14:15,310 --> 00:14:17,650
Look, Cece, you're the most
amazing woman I ever met.
401
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:20,826
If you want Jake Apex,
402
00:14:20,850 --> 00:14:23,936
I'm gonna help you get Jake Apex.
403
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,590
I'm never gonna stop trying
to make you happy, Cece.
404
00:14:28,630 --> 00:14:30,436
I promise you, for the rest of my...
405
00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:33,336
Oh, look at that, it's Fawn.
406
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:34,776
Hello, Councilwoman Moscato.
407
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,806
: Oh, yeah.
408
00:14:36,830 --> 00:14:38,576
: Guys!
409
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,346
I forgot the rings at the house.
410
00:14:40,370 --> 00:14:42,186
They're in my purse in my room.
411
00:14:42,210 --> 00:14:43,916
And now I have to go get my dad ready.
412
00:14:43,940 --> 00:14:46,256
Apparently, he's wearing
some kind of a male corset.
413
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:48,126
All right, Coach and I will get the rings...
414
00:14:48,150 --> 00:14:49,356
You don't have a car.
415
00:14:49,380 --> 00:14:51,496
All right. Okay.
416
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,196
Wait!
417
00:14:53,220 --> 00:14:54,626
All right.
418
00:14:54,650 --> 00:14:56,266
Let's do this.
419
00:14:56,290 --> 00:14:57,966
: Yeah.
420
00:14:57,990 --> 00:14:58,966
Okay. Okay.
421
00:14:58,990 --> 00:15:00,860
- Okay, ready?
- Yep, yep.
422
00:15:02,130 --> 00:15:03,306
Go easy. I'm not on!
423
00:15:03,330 --> 00:15:06,506
- You're not?!
- I'm not on! I'm not on!
424
00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:08,106
You don't have the rings?!
425
00:15:08,130 --> 00:15:09,546
- Well, Dad, hold on...
- You don't have the rings?!
426
00:15:09,570 --> 00:15:11,616
Oh! Damn it, no! That's...
427
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:12,716
No, this is bad.
428
00:15:12,740 --> 00:15:14,116
We're doomed!
429
00:15:14,140 --> 00:15:15,486
You look beautiful, but we are doomed.
430
00:15:16,740 --> 00:15:18,716
Oh, yeah.
431
00:15:20,710 --> 00:15:22,386
I wish these were filled with ground beef.
432
00:15:23,750 --> 00:15:25,626
Oh, wait, this is Nick! Nick's calling!
433
00:15:25,650 --> 00:15:27,466
He's probably walking in the door. Here.
434
00:15:27,490 --> 00:15:28,466
Hey.
435
00:15:28,490 --> 00:15:29,496
I found the purse,
436
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,036
but your mom has the rings.
437
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:32,396
What?
438
00:15:32,420 --> 00:15:33,666
Can you ask her for them?
439
00:15:33,690 --> 00:15:35,806
Yeah, it's a little hard right now.
440
00:15:35,830 --> 00:15:38,636
Remember she said she was going on a trip?
441
00:15:47,540 --> 00:15:49,146
It's gonna be a hair longer.
442
00:15:49,170 --> 00:15:51,110
It's acid, isn't it?
443
00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:56,246
What is taking them so long?
444
00:15:56,270 --> 00:15:58,686
: Hi!
445
00:15:58,710 --> 00:16:01,816
Um... so the wedding will begin shortly.
446
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,786
But first,
447
00:16:03,810 --> 00:16:06,926
I'm gonna start you off
with a crowd-pleasing,
448
00:16:06,950 --> 00:16:09,296
nondenominational...
449
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,426
Something in it for everyone...
450
00:16:11,450 --> 00:16:12,850
"Ave Maria."
451
00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:19,190
♪ Ah... ♪
452
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:26,716
♪ Ve... ♪
453
00:16:30,410 --> 00:16:31,546
Joan, I need you to focus.
454
00:16:31,570 --> 00:16:33,016
I need you to help me
455
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:34,586
find those rings.
456
00:16:34,610 --> 00:16:35,826
We have the rings.
457
00:16:35,850 --> 00:16:37,226
They all... all of you...
We all have the rings.
458
00:16:37,250 --> 00:16:38,826
Everyone's got the ring. Come into the womb.
459
00:16:38,850 --> 00:16:41,226
- Come into the womb.
- I don't want to come in the womb.
460
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:44,066
- Come into the womb.
- I'm not a womb guy! I'm not a womb guy!
461
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:46,636
♪ Mari... ♪
462
00:16:48,990 --> 00:16:50,706
- Show me the rings!
- The womb.
463
00:16:50,730 --> 00:16:51,706
Reverse. Birth.
464
00:16:51,730 --> 00:16:53,376
Can I just see that?
465
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:54,876
Reverse. Birth.
466
00:16:54,900 --> 00:16:56,006
That's not it.
467
00:16:56,030 --> 00:17:00,100
♪ Ah... ♪
468
00:17:02,170 --> 00:17:03,716
♪ Ah... ♪
469
00:17:03,740 --> 00:17:05,186
- Reverse. Birth.
- Here we go!
470
00:17:05,210 --> 00:17:06,916
This is a real Portland experience!
471
00:17:06,940 --> 00:17:08,416
Ah, hippie hair in my mouth!
472
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:09,656
Hippie hair in my mouth!
473
00:17:11,550 --> 00:17:14,156
And with that message from Beaker,
474
00:17:14,180 --> 00:17:17,326
all of the Muppets have wished Bob and Ashley
475
00:17:17,350 --> 00:17:19,396
a very happy wedding.
476
00:17:19,420 --> 00:17:20,936
: Except for me.
477
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,336
: Cookie Monster, is that you?
478
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,366
Now, I understand, Cookie Monster,
479
00:17:25,390 --> 00:17:29,346
you've got a very special
song to sing for us.
480
00:17:29,370 --> 00:17:32,546
: Yes, I do!
481
00:17:32,570 --> 00:17:35,376
♪ Ah... ♪
482
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:39,086
♪ Ve... ♪
483
00:17:39,110 --> 00:17:40,456
♪ Mari... ♪
484
00:17:42,810 --> 00:17:45,086
There are a lot of ways
to stall a wedding, okay?
485
00:17:45,110 --> 00:17:46,256
And you just happened to...
486
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:47,926
Go talk to him.
487
00:17:47,950 --> 00:17:50,650
Yeah. Talk to the guy you like.
488
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:56,536
Hey, killer.
489
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:59,076
Hey, so, uh...
490
00:17:59,100 --> 00:18:00,406
I'd love to see you again before you leave.
491
00:18:00,430 --> 00:18:02,106
To be honest with you, Cece,
492
00:18:02,130 --> 00:18:04,576
I've always had a crush on you.
493
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:07,546
Oh, God.
494
00:18:07,570 --> 00:18:09,740
Okay, so I've never said
this out loud before, but...
495
00:18:11,770 --> 00:18:14,956
I'm...
496
00:18:14,980 --> 00:18:16,926
in love with someone else.
497
00:18:16,950 --> 00:18:19,226
It's kind of complicated
because he has a girlfriend,
498
00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:20,926
so I can't tell anybody.
499
00:18:20,950 --> 00:18:23,396
I mean, Winston knows, but
you, you don't know Winston.
500
00:18:23,420 --> 00:18:25,596
I got to get back to the truck soon.
501
00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:27,096
Power steering's out again.
502
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:28,966
I'm the only one strong enough to drive it.
503
00:18:28,990 --> 00:18:30,306
- Of course.
- But, uh,
504
00:18:30,330 --> 00:18:31,906
I guess I'll see you around.
505
00:18:31,930 --> 00:18:33,330
Yeah, I guess.
506
00:18:36,270 --> 00:18:38,506
- Okay, okay.
- Got it.
507
00:18:38,530 --> 00:18:40,246
Oh, my God! Thank God you guys are here!
508
00:18:40,270 --> 00:18:41,516
Is my mom okay?
509
00:18:41,540 --> 00:18:43,086
It's actually really hard
510
00:18:43,110 --> 00:18:44,846
riding one of these bikes; it's super tiring.
511
00:18:44,870 --> 00:18:46,486
I don't have a watch on.
512
00:18:46,510 --> 00:18:48,380
I don't know why I'm doing that.
513
00:18:49,450 --> 00:18:51,426
Dad, I...
514
00:19:02,830 --> 00:19:05,266
Aren't they cute?
515
00:19:05,290 --> 00:19:06,730
Cute as a mute.
516
00:19:07,860 --> 00:19:09,276
That's a thing.
517
00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:11,476
People-people say that.
518
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,346
Love is never what you
think it's gonna be, is it?
519
00:19:15,370 --> 00:19:18,446
No, it isn't.
520
00:19:18,470 --> 00:19:21,656
Hey, Nick...
521
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,056
you were right.
522
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:27,126
He should've been here.
523
00:19:27,150 --> 00:19:29,996
I need a guy who shows up.
524
00:19:30,020 --> 00:19:33,520
'Cause anything else just isn't real.
525
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,736
Jess, you should, uh, know something, too.
526
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:38,836
I touched
527
00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:40,076
both your mother's breasts
528
00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:43,846
in a communal womb earlier today.
529
00:19:43,870 --> 00:19:46,476
I didn't do it on purpose, but there it is.
530
00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:48,216
Thanks for telling me. I appreciate it.
531
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,146
It's a relief to get it off my shoulders.
532
00:19:50,170 --> 00:19:51,246
Thanks for being cool about it.
533
00:19:51,270 --> 00:19:52,416
I'll leave you alone.
534
00:19:54,210 --> 00:19:56,180
Wait, what?
535
00:19:58,210 --> 00:20:00,196
I didn't read about this place.
536
00:20:00,220 --> 00:20:03,196
That's because it's not in
any guidebook, Tagliaboo.
537
00:20:03,220 --> 00:20:05,566
It is called Crush Pond.
538
00:20:05,590 --> 00:20:07,096
At least that's what Jess
and I used to call it.
539
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:08,736
We used to come down here
when she liked somebody.
540
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,189
We'd throw a rock in the pond,
541
00:20:10,190 --> 00:20:11,720
and we'd wish that they liked her back.
542
00:20:11,730 --> 00:20:13,360
- Huh.
- I'd sit over there
543
00:20:13,370 --> 00:20:14,810
and smoke cloves while she did that.
544
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,770
I broke up with Ryan.
545
00:20:21,780 --> 00:20:23,240
- Wow.
- Oh, babe, I'm sorry.
546
00:20:23,250 --> 00:20:25,640
How'd he take it?
547
00:20:25,650 --> 00:20:27,810
Actually, pretty good.
548
00:20:27,820 --> 00:20:29,650
- So you got his voice mail.
- Yeah.
549
00:20:29,660 --> 00:20:30,730
Sounds about right.
550
00:20:32,830 --> 00:20:34,730
Last stop on the tour.
551
00:20:34,740 --> 00:20:37,770
Um... it's Crush Pond.
552
00:20:37,780 --> 00:20:40,770
So... say a name in your head
553
00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:43,880
and throw the rock in the pond,
554
00:20:43,890 --> 00:20:47,210
and they'll love you forever.
555
00:20:47,220 --> 00:20:49,750
Um, and for the record,
that's actually never worked.
556
00:20:51,700 --> 00:20:53,360
So we're gonna do it anyways?
557
00:20:53,370 --> 00:20:54,860
Yeah.
558
00:20:54,870 --> 00:20:57,300
We're really gonna do this?
559
00:20:57,310 --> 00:20:58,930
I got a big one.
560
00:20:58,940 --> 00:21:00,770
: I know who your rock is for.
561
00:21:00,780 --> 00:21:01,910
Winston, you better shut up
562
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:03,749
before I knock that fade right off your head.
563
00:21:03,750 --> 00:21:06,320
: You don't know me like
that, Cece. I swear...
564
00:21:06,330 --> 00:21:08,220
- Oh, I know you like that, trust me.
- Swear to God...
565
00:21:08,230 --> 00:21:09,868
Uh, I'm gonna say Detroit Pistons.
566
00:21:09,887 --> 00:21:11,167
You're not getting it, man.
567
00:21:11,185 --> 00:21:12,286
What-what is it?
568
00:21:12,310 --> 00:21:14,202
You got to say, like, a lady's name.
569
00:21:14,221 --> 00:21:14,992
Oh.
570
00:21:17,232 --> 00:21:18,564
Gladys.
571
00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:20,112
- A lady you know.
- Oh.
572
00:21:20,136 --> 00:21:23,402
To whoever you are, can't wait to meet you.
573
00:21:23,905 --> 00:21:26,131
And I hope you live close by.
574
00:21:26,155 --> 00:21:28,784
Three, two, one.
575
00:21:28,785 --> 00:21:30,249
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