1 00:00:01,407 --> 00:00:04,080 Ugh! Can you believe this guy? 2 00:00:04,110 --> 00:00:06,850 Pete is over an hour late for our brunch date. 3 00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:09,820 - Pete? Who's Pete? - Oh, it's this dude who goes to my gym. 4 00:00:09,850 --> 00:00:11,620 Thought Jess could use a man with a little muscle 5 00:00:11,650 --> 00:00:13,150 for a change, so I set 'em up. 6 00:00:13,190 --> 00:00:14,920 Not gonna marry him, but I'm having fun. 7 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,920 Knock, knock. Who's there? 8 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,860 Orange. Hang on a second, Orange. 9 00:00:18,890 --> 00:00:21,360 I'm gonna send a sext to Pete, which I did. 10 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:23,200 My first one ever. Want to see? It's super hot. 11 00:00:23,230 --> 00:00:24,960 I don't want to, uh... 12 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:26,360 Okay, that's just a picture of you 13 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,170 in a bra over a T-shirt 14 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:30,300 Holding a sign that says "Property of Pete." 15 00:00:30,340 --> 00:00:32,070 - Not a sext. - I'm wearing a bra! 16 00:00:32,110 --> 00:00:34,010 - No, that's like a glorified selfie. - You can see the bra. 17 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:35,710 - Nope. - I bet he saw this, 18 00:00:35,740 --> 00:00:36,880 and he was like, 19 00:00:36,910 --> 00:00:39,850 "Oh, delicious." 20 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:41,010 You want him to say that? 21 00:00:41,050 --> 00:00:42,350 I have to agree, 22 00:00:42,380 --> 00:00:43,950 because the true nature 23 00:00:43,980 --> 00:00:47,250 of eroticism is what is not shown. 24 00:00:47,290 --> 00:00:49,690 I never get sexts. 25 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,190 What are you taking? 26 00:00:54,230 --> 00:00:55,330 Just some, uh... motion sickness pill. 27 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:57,830 It's a mild sedative. 28 00:00:57,870 --> 00:00:59,700 My mom just landed. 29 00:00:59,730 --> 00:01:00,900 That's unrelated. 30 00:01:00,930 --> 00:01:02,170 Oh, my God, your mom's here?! 31 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:03,740 I'm so excited to meet her. 32 00:01:03,770 --> 00:01:05,600 You probably won't; she's busy. 33 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,810 But maybe, hopefully, I doubt it. 34 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:08,910 I can't believe I've never met her. 35 00:01:08,940 --> 00:01:10,640 You know, we get together and we laugh and... 36 00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:12,210 she tells me all the ways that 37 00:01:12,250 --> 00:01:14,280 I could be better at things, and then I do them, 38 00:01:14,310 --> 00:01:15,610 but not right. 39 00:01:15,650 --> 00:01:17,280 Oh, it's fun. 40 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:19,050 We have, we have fun. 41 00:01:19,090 --> 00:01:20,720 You know, I wish I had fun with my partner. 42 00:01:20,750 --> 00:01:22,320 Wow, every time I ask Aly to hang out, 43 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:24,020 - she's always like, "Nah." Hey, Schmidty, vamos. 44 00:01:24,060 --> 00:01:26,960 I want to show you a surprise investment opportunity. 45 00:01:26,990 --> 00:01:29,130 Surprise, Nick? I'm telling you right now, 46 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,330 if it is a boat, I'm gonna be so psyched! 47 00:01:31,370 --> 00:01:33,270 I literally jut got new boat shoes. 48 00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:35,300 Standing here like a damn jabroni. 49 00:01:35,340 --> 00:01:38,040 He hasn't even answered any of my texts. 50 00:01:38,070 --> 00:01:39,640 - He hasn't? - You don't think he's... 51 00:01:39,670 --> 00:01:42,740 He is blowing you off! 52 00:01:42,780 --> 00:01:45,210 - He best not be! - Hell no! 53 00:01:45,250 --> 00:01:47,680 - You guys are getting riled up, huh? - We are gonna march right over there, 54 00:01:47,710 --> 00:01:49,380 and we all right gonna find out what's happening! 55 00:01:49,420 --> 00:01:50,350 Let's go. 56 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:58,360 Turns out that Pete had a very good excuse 57 00:01:58,390 --> 00:02:00,390 for not showing up. 58 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,570 He died. 59 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:09,230 - What? - ♪ Just got out of the shower ♪ 60 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,600 ♪ Guess who cleaned everything? ♪ 61 00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,610 ♪ Guess who got in deep? ♪ 62 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,380 What? 63 00:02:21,860 --> 00:02:23,867 ☯Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17☯ ❃www.addic7ed.com❃ 64 00:02:23,868 --> 00:02:26,520 A motorcycle accident? I didn't even know Pete rode one. 65 00:02:26,550 --> 00:02:29,920 He didn't. Apparently, he was thinking about getting one, 66 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:33,630 and he slipped and fell on the showroom floor. 67 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,330 Buffed floors... 68 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:38,330 beautiful, but at what cost? 69 00:02:38,370 --> 00:02:41,130 The first guy I sext dies. 70 00:02:41,170 --> 00:02:42,670 I should go to the memorial, right? 71 00:02:42,700 --> 00:02:44,140 Jess, don't make this about yourself, all right? 72 00:02:44,170 --> 00:02:45,440 You went on two dates with the guy. 73 00:02:45,470 --> 00:02:47,640 I was one of the last people to text him. 74 00:02:47,670 --> 00:02:49,270 - On Earth. - Look, you didn't even 75 00:02:49,310 --> 00:02:51,040 have sex with him, okay? You're fine. 76 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:52,910 So if I'd slept with him, I'd go. 77 00:02:52,950 --> 00:02:54,580 - Or if you'd gone skiing together. - Mm-hmm, yeah. 78 00:02:54,620 --> 00:02:56,480 - What are these rules? - Just don't go. 79 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:57,850 'Cause if you go, then I'm gonna feel weird 80 00:02:57,880 --> 00:02:59,050 about not going, and I ain't going. 81 00:02:59,090 --> 00:03:00,750 Yeah, just come and have a mani-pedi with me. 82 00:03:00,790 --> 00:03:03,250 I'm going; it's the right thing to do. 83 00:03:03,290 --> 00:03:05,390 Oh, so if I don't go, I'm a bad person now? 84 00:03:05,430 --> 00:03:07,430 - Cece. - Mm-hmm. 85 00:03:07,460 --> 00:03:09,760 I'm surprised. I thought you, of all people, 86 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,130 would want to accompany your best friend 87 00:03:12,170 --> 00:03:16,170 to the funeral of a guy she texted, but... 88 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,470 I guess... not. 89 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:24,780 ♪ Ta-da! ♪ 90 00:03:24,810 --> 00:03:26,080 What do you mean? 91 00:03:26,110 --> 00:03:28,010 What is ta-da? We drove here together 92 00:03:28,050 --> 00:03:29,180 and parked before you covered my eyes. 93 00:03:29,220 --> 00:03:31,050 What is the surprise investment, Nick? 94 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:32,280 The bar. 95 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:34,420 Mike's selling us ten percent. 96 00:03:34,450 --> 00:03:36,050 I really need the cash. 97 00:03:36,090 --> 00:03:38,160 I got swindled by a young gay roller skater. 98 00:03:38,190 --> 00:03:39,390 A rink twink. 99 00:03:39,430 --> 00:03:40,907 I know what a rink twink is, Mike. 100 00:03:40,908 --> 00:03:41,960 Hey, 20 thou 101 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,060 and we are part owners, okay? 102 00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:45,800 I've done my research. 103 00:03:45,830 --> 00:03:48,300 There's a consistent revenue and no startup costs. 104 00:03:48,340 --> 00:03:49,800 You're really serious about this, huh? 105 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,400 I really want this, man. 106 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:52,770 - Good. I want this, too. - Good. 107 00:03:52,810 --> 00:03:54,640 Where are we gonna get 20 grand from? 108 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,810 Well, we got the ten grand we made on the Swuit. 109 00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,310 Maybe do we have any rich friends we can borrow money from? 110 00:03:59,350 --> 00:04:00,710 Well, let's think about it. There's the middle school 111 00:04:00,750 --> 00:04:02,980 vice principal, there's the cop, the gym teacher. 112 00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:04,750 Let's not forget about the community college student. 113 00:04:04,790 --> 00:04:07,320 - Whew, lot of options. - Yeah. 114 00:04:07,350 --> 00:04:08,490 It's tough, it's frustrating. 115 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:10,460 Yeah, huh... damn it. 116 00:04:10,490 --> 00:04:12,090 Schimdty just had an idea. I know that face. 117 00:04:12,130 --> 00:04:13,690 Give it to me, give it to me. 118 00:04:13,730 --> 00:04:14,630 What are you thinking, big cat? 119 00:04:14,660 --> 00:04:15,590 What are you thinking, big cat? 120 00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:16,630 I just... 121 00:04:18,870 --> 00:04:21,770 Think, now, if we own it, don't be kicking it. 122 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,400 Just... Yeah, oh. 123 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:25,570 Aah! 124 00:04:25,610 --> 00:04:26,840 Ouch. 125 00:04:26,870 --> 00:04:28,210 Okay. 126 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:31,110 Hey, pal, uh, what's happening? 127 00:04:31,140 --> 00:04:33,780 My mom still owes me my bar miztvah money. 128 00:04:33,810 --> 00:04:36,210 I mean, we can ask her, but, you know, she's... 129 00:04:36,250 --> 00:04:38,280 - Pushy, overbearing, controlling. - So, what? 130 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:40,150 Oh, she's a typical Jewish mom? 131 00:04:40,190 --> 00:04:41,590 It's anti-Semitic when you say it like that. 132 00:04:41,620 --> 00:04:42,990 So-so what, she likes to get involved? 133 00:04:43,020 --> 00:04:44,660 That's great, you know. 134 00:04:44,690 --> 00:04:46,590 I don't feel very comfortable when I'm around her. 135 00:04:46,630 --> 00:04:48,590 Well, boo-hoo, she thinks you want to have sex with her. 136 00:04:48,630 --> 00:04:50,660 Try learning about the birds and the bees from her 137 00:04:50,700 --> 00:04:52,600 using a doughnut and a banana. By the way, 138 00:04:52,630 --> 00:04:54,700 neither one of which are used for what you think they are. 139 00:04:54,740 --> 00:04:57,170 How could that be? 140 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,400 Hey, want to grab a bite later? 141 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:00,440 You know it, partner. 142 00:05:01,710 --> 00:05:03,140 Hey, Aly, 143 00:05:03,180 --> 00:05:04,910 uh, want to grab a beer after work? 144 00:05:04,950 --> 00:05:07,010 Ooh... 145 00:05:07,050 --> 00:05:08,480 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. 146 00:05:11,620 --> 00:05:13,320 Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba. 147 00:05:13,350 --> 00:05:14,690 Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya. 148 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:17,390 Ooh. 149 00:05:25,430 --> 00:05:27,500 Uh, ooh. 150 00:05:27,530 --> 00:05:31,370 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. 151 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,570 No. 152 00:05:33,610 --> 00:05:35,670 - Oh, come on. - Not work related, 153 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:37,510 not interested, Bishop. 154 00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:40,010 We're professionals, not friends. 155 00:05:41,650 --> 00:05:43,750 Oh God, here we go. Showtime. 156 00:05:43,780 --> 00:05:45,620 - Mama! - No! 157 00:05:45,650 --> 00:05:48,590 I was meeting my little boy, not this handsome movie star. 158 00:05:48,620 --> 00:05:49,590 What are you doing with these? 159 00:05:49,620 --> 00:05:51,490 Why would you hide your hazels? 160 00:05:52,630 --> 00:05:54,290 Hi, sweetheart. 161 00:05:54,330 --> 00:05:55,730 Oh! 162 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,130 Hey, Louise, it's really good to see you. 163 00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:58,630 I bet it is; tape it down, Miller. 164 00:05:58,670 --> 00:06:01,000 - Tape it? - Here, look at your baby brother. 165 00:06:01,030 --> 00:06:02,270 How handsome is Reggie? 166 00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:04,040 Give him a kiss. 167 00:06:04,070 --> 00:06:06,240 Kiss your brother. Give him a kiss. 168 00:06:06,270 --> 00:06:08,140 Give him a kiss; he loves it. Kiss him, kiss him. 169 00:06:08,180 --> 00:06:10,440 Okay, give him a scratch. He loves a scratch. 170 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,080 He loves a scratch. 171 00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:14,010 Can I get an alcohol? 172 00:06:19,220 --> 00:06:21,290 So, how's Susan? 173 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,760 Susan's my-my mom's work friend who she lives with. 174 00:06:23,790 --> 00:06:25,220 Susan cuts her own firewood. 175 00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,660 Susan's my girlfriend. 176 00:06:26,690 --> 00:06:28,290 That's what I said, your work friend. 177 00:06:28,330 --> 00:06:29,990 She's good. We just got a new mattress. 178 00:06:30,030 --> 00:06:32,360 So work's been more comfortable. 179 00:06:33,730 --> 00:06:35,270 What? 180 00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:36,500 What-what now? 181 00:06:36,540 --> 00:06:38,200 Is it my sweater? Is it too dark? 182 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:39,540 It might be. Here. 183 00:06:39,570 --> 00:06:41,140 You got, you got me a sweater? 184 00:06:41,170 --> 00:06:43,140 Mm-hmm. Now that's nice. 185 00:06:43,180 --> 00:06:44,610 That's nice. Try it on. 186 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:45,710 I'm trying, I'm put-putting it on right now. 187 00:06:45,750 --> 00:06:46,810 It goes over your head. 188 00:06:46,850 --> 00:06:48,250 He's putting a sweater on a sweater? 189 00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:49,550 Get over it. Get over it. 190 00:06:49,580 --> 00:06:51,750 That's nice, very nice. 191 00:06:51,790 --> 00:06:53,450 Thank you so much. I love this so much. 192 00:06:53,490 --> 00:06:55,050 Schmidt, isn't there something 193 00:06:55,090 --> 00:06:56,350 you want to ask your mother about? 194 00:06:56,390 --> 00:06:57,490 Well, 195 00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,360 I did... I did want to ask you about... 196 00:06:59,390 --> 00:07:00,590 Your voice is wavering. 197 00:07:00,630 --> 00:07:02,230 Here, have some chocolate. 198 00:07:02,260 --> 00:07:03,630 - No, Mom, I'm okay. Thank you. - Have it. 199 00:07:03,660 --> 00:07:05,000 Here, have it, have it, have it. 200 00:07:05,030 --> 00:07:06,330 - I'll just have one. - Have it, have it. 201 00:07:06,370 --> 00:07:08,370 Have it, have it. 202 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,440 There you go. I do love it. Hmm! 203 00:07:10,470 --> 00:07:12,640 So, I... What I was thinking about was... 204 00:07:12,670 --> 00:07:14,070 uh... 205 00:07:14,110 --> 00:07:16,440 my bar mitzvah money. 206 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,680 Can I have it? 207 00:07:18,710 --> 00:07:21,550 Oh, my God! Of course you can! Yes. 208 00:07:21,580 --> 00:07:23,620 Oh, that was... yeah, so easy. 209 00:07:23,650 --> 00:07:25,220 As soon as you write your thank-you notes. 210 00:07:25,250 --> 00:07:26,650 You didn't forget, did you? 211 00:07:26,690 --> 00:07:27,750 He never did his thank-you cards. 212 00:07:27,790 --> 00:07:28,790 Mom, I just thought that 213 00:07:28,820 --> 00:07:29,920 you know, that was so long ago... 214 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,290 - Well, you know. - If I just gave you 215 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:32,790 the money, what kind of lesson would that be? 216 00:07:32,830 --> 00:07:34,190 You finish your cards, you get the money. 217 00:07:34,230 --> 00:07:35,460 That's fair, isn't it? 218 00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:37,430 You didn't finish your thank-you cards? 219 00:07:37,460 --> 00:07:38,830 There's a hat in the bag, too. Try it on. 220 00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:42,670 Put it on. 221 00:07:42,700 --> 00:07:43,940 That's very nice. 222 00:07:43,970 --> 00:07:45,770 Take it off, you're in a restaurant. 223 00:07:48,210 --> 00:07:50,170 Sure about this? It's not too late to bail. 224 00:07:50,210 --> 00:07:51,380 We're going. 225 00:07:51,410 --> 00:07:53,180 It's the right thing to do. 226 00:07:53,210 --> 00:07:55,410 Look, we'll be in and out of there in five minutes. 227 00:07:55,450 --> 00:07:57,480 It'll be so packed, no one will notice. 228 00:08:03,190 --> 00:08:04,660 The right thing to do. 229 00:08:04,690 --> 00:08:06,390 Is it? 230 00:08:07,844 --> 00:08:09,949 And uh... Pete said... 231 00:08:09,950 --> 00:08:11,580 "If you gotta puke, Duffy, 232 00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:13,150 just puke." 233 00:08:13,190 --> 00:08:14,620 Almost time to tell the story 234 00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,290 about your close friend Pete. 235 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:17,920 I'm just gonna tell the truth. 236 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,130 We went on a few dates. That's it. 237 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:20,160 I'm Val, 238 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,590 Pete's girlfriend. 239 00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:25,930 I'm sorry. 240 00:08:25,970 --> 00:08:27,300 Would you mind going? 241 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:28,670 How did you know Pete? 242 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:34,670 Um, from work. 243 00:08:34,710 --> 00:08:36,080 We worked together. 244 00:08:36,110 --> 00:08:37,310 You're a sports agent, too? 245 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,980 - Wow... - Yep. 246 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:42,580 Okay, we got a lot of thank-you cards to write 247 00:08:42,620 --> 00:08:44,120 and not a lot of time. 248 00:08:44,150 --> 00:08:45,690 Let's get into it. I'll start, okay? 249 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,090 Let's go, here we go. 250 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,290 "To whom 251 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,120 "it may 252 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:53,090 - concern..." - To... to whom it may concern? 253 00:08:53,130 --> 00:08:54,760 - I'm on a vibe. - Nick, these need to have personal details. 254 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,300 My mom is gonna check them. 255 00:08:56,330 --> 00:08:57,530 All right, then get me the guest list. 256 00:08:57,570 --> 00:08:59,070 Where have you imagined that I've been holding 257 00:08:59,100 --> 00:09:00,830 onto the guest list for all these years? 258 00:09:00,870 --> 00:09:02,300 Just carrying it around in my wallet? This is impossible. 259 00:09:02,340 --> 00:09:04,970 This is gonna take some serious detective work. 260 00:09:06,340 --> 00:09:07,670 It's a good thing I can call backup. 261 00:09:09,540 --> 00:09:12,010 - Hey. - You said this was a work thing. 262 00:09:12,050 --> 00:09:13,210 It is a work thing. 263 00:09:13,250 --> 00:09:15,080 It's a... work-style thing. 264 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,580 You see, we need your skills to solve 265 00:09:16,620 --> 00:09:18,620 a cold case. 266 00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:26,790 ♪ ♪ 267 00:09:26,830 --> 00:09:29,260 Hey, you want your bar mitzvah money? Tell me her name. 268 00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:31,500 - I don't remember. - I don't believe you! 269 00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:33,500 Just relax. Relax. Here, Schmidt. 270 00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:36,340 Sip that. 271 00:09:36,370 --> 00:09:38,000 Want to hear the music again? 272 00:09:39,470 --> 00:09:40,640 All right, there we go. 273 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,980 Uh-huh. 274 00:09:43,010 --> 00:09:44,340 Yeah, you're 13 years old, 275 00:09:44,380 --> 00:09:45,580 everybody's feeling it... 276 00:09:47,450 --> 00:09:49,320 - ♪ Motown Philly's back again... ♪ - Enough. 277 00:09:49,350 --> 00:09:50,520 What was her name?! 278 00:09:50,550 --> 00:09:51,550 Sharon Rosenberg! 279 00:09:53,990 --> 00:09:55,990 Okay. 257 Sea Cove Drive, 11021. 280 00:09:58,590 --> 00:10:00,930 Okay. "Dear Mrs. Rosenberg... 281 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,230 Thank you for the check." 282 00:10:02,260 --> 00:10:03,960 - I need a personal detail! - Personal detail! 283 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,060 She had a pool. 284 00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:06,870 "Cannonball! 285 00:10:06,900 --> 00:10:09,870 - Love, Schmidt." Cannonball! 286 00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,770 Okay, Schmidt. All right, Schmidt. 287 00:10:11,810 --> 00:10:13,510 - Who's this guy? - I don't know, Winston. 288 00:10:13,540 --> 00:10:14,740 It's too far away, I can't tell. 289 00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,310 Uh... enhance, enhance, enhance... 290 00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:17,440 Okay, too far, too far. 291 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,350 Dehance, dehance. 292 00:10:19,380 --> 00:10:21,080 - Scott Rubenstein! - Scott Rubenstein. 293 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,220 My mom's CPA. 294 00:10:22,250 --> 00:10:24,480 Scott Rubenstein... 295 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,250 deceased. 296 00:10:27,420 --> 00:10:29,260 Yes! 297 00:10:29,290 --> 00:10:30,390 Yes! 298 00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:32,390 Love the dead ones. 299 00:10:32,430 --> 00:10:34,890 You know, Pete wasn't just a sports agent. 300 00:10:34,930 --> 00:10:36,960 He understood sports. 301 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,170 Like, he knew the rules, all of them: 302 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:40,930 offsides, 303 00:10:40,970 --> 00:10:43,900 unnecessary bumping, 304 00:10:43,940 --> 00:10:46,970 what happens if you hit a bird with the ball you throw... 305 00:10:47,010 --> 00:10:48,640 - Excuse-excuse me. - Can I, uh, borrow her for a second? 306 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:50,040 - Mm-hmm. - Thank you. 307 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:51,180 - What's up? - Uh... 308 00:10:51,210 --> 00:10:53,150 what the hell are you doing? 309 00:10:53,180 --> 00:10:54,550 I'm trying to save that poor girl's feelings. 310 00:10:54,580 --> 00:10:56,020 If she knew the truth, it would shatter her. 311 00:10:56,050 --> 00:10:57,580 I am going to the nail salon, okay? 312 00:10:57,620 --> 00:10:59,090 - Bye. - Cece... - I'm out. 313 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:00,150 Hey, wait! Guys, wait. 314 00:11:00,190 --> 00:11:02,690 No, stop... guys. 315 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,560 The only sport I know is Ricky Ball, 316 00:11:04,590 --> 00:11:06,590 and I'm pretty sure my friend Ricky made that up. 317 00:11:06,630 --> 00:11:08,530 No. Lying about who you are is not the right thing to do. 318 00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:11,000 - I am going. - Coach... 319 00:11:11,030 --> 00:11:12,700 Is this, uh... 320 00:11:12,730 --> 00:11:14,570 is this Pete's thing? He was my agent. 321 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,100 Of course he was. 322 00:11:16,140 --> 00:11:19,270 Who else would represent NFL star J.J. Watt? 323 00:11:19,310 --> 00:11:22,410 Uh, Pete was my best friend and, uh... 324 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:25,310 God, it's good to see you. 325 00:11:25,350 --> 00:11:26,780 Wouldn't the couch 326 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:29,080 be better over there? All that light? 327 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,220 Or do you like to live like a radish, underground? 328 00:11:31,250 --> 00:11:34,720 So we worked really hard on the... on the cards. 329 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,690 Let's see what we got. 330 00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:39,530 Okay. 331 00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:41,130 But you know what would be better? 332 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:42,200 Connie's into gardening. 333 00:11:42,230 --> 00:11:43,700 You should mention that. 334 00:11:43,730 --> 00:11:45,530 And if you really want your card to pop, 335 00:11:45,570 --> 00:11:47,300 you can use a nice fountain pen 336 00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:49,040 on silver stationery. 337 00:11:49,070 --> 00:11:50,800 And you should sign your full name, not just Schmidt. 338 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,710 I mean, you have a lovely first name. 339 00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:54,540 Great! I'll just make all those changes, Mom! 340 00:11:58,180 --> 00:12:00,380 Okay. 341 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:03,080 You're not getting me into your pants, you little jackhammer. 342 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:04,980 Oh, I don't want you in my pants, Louise. 343 00:12:05,020 --> 00:12:06,290 - Okay. - Okay. 344 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:08,220 Okay. 345 00:12:10,192 --> 00:12:13,000 - So then Pete says to... - Allen Iverson. 346 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,140 - "...you want to keep sportsing on the... - "Grizzlies. 347 00:12:15,170 --> 00:12:16,740 "...but if you want me 348 00:12:16,780 --> 00:12:18,380 "to show you the money, then... 349 00:12:18,410 --> 00:12:20,950 You gotta finish your career off with the '76ers!" 350 00:12:20,980 --> 00:12:23,950 And it was classic Pete. 351 00:12:23,980 --> 00:12:26,820 It's so nice to remember work as more than just a thing 352 00:12:26,850 --> 00:12:28,390 that kept Pete on the phone all the time. 353 00:12:28,420 --> 00:12:30,090 You're very welcome. 354 00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:31,660 Oh, Val, you should have Pete's phone. 355 00:12:31,690 --> 00:12:33,890 All those memories and photos... 356 00:12:33,930 --> 00:12:35,230 It's in the garage with all his stuff. 357 00:12:35,260 --> 00:12:36,630 I'll give it to you before you go. 358 00:12:36,660 --> 00:12:37,860 - Thank you. - Mm-hmm. 359 00:12:41,930 --> 00:12:44,740 Okay, we gotta find that phone before Val sees the sext. 360 00:12:44,770 --> 00:12:46,400 Yes, it is the right thing to do. 361 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:48,510 Like I've said all along. I got a good thing going 362 00:12:48,540 --> 00:12:49,870 with J.J. and I'm not gonna let you ruin it. 363 00:12:49,910 --> 00:12:51,380 That's the funeral spirit. 364 00:12:54,450 --> 00:12:56,780 What are you guys doing in here? 365 00:12:56,820 --> 00:12:58,420 - What are you doing here? - I'm looking for Pete's phone. 366 00:12:58,450 --> 00:13:00,350 So are we! Did you sext him, too? 367 00:13:00,390 --> 00:13:02,220 No. I fired Pete over text, 368 00:13:02,260 --> 00:13:04,050 so I didn't want to crush his family. 369 00:13:04,090 --> 00:13:05,590 That's why I'm at the memorial. 370 00:13:05,630 --> 00:13:07,560 Not because it was the right thing to do? 371 00:13:07,590 --> 00:13:09,130 No. No. I mean, we never even went skiing. 372 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:10,460 Who makes up these rules? 373 00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:12,100 Now... 374 00:13:12,130 --> 00:13:13,430 What are you guys doing out here? 375 00:13:13,470 --> 00:13:14,570 - Um... - Singing. 376 00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:17,370 S... What? 377 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:19,970 We like to sing. 378 00:13:20,010 --> 00:13:21,540 Together. About... 379 00:13:21,570 --> 00:13:22,470 - Sports. - Food. 380 00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,070 Sports foods. 381 00:13:24,110 --> 00:13:25,240 That's fun. 382 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:27,140 It's... 383 00:13:27,180 --> 00:13:29,180 Would you guys... 384 00:13:29,220 --> 00:13:32,120 Would it be putting you on the spot if I asked you to do one? 385 00:13:32,150 --> 00:13:32,950 - I think that wouldn't be appropriate. Actually, yes. 386 00:13:32,990 --> 00:13:33,980 I feel like it's a little... 387 00:13:34,020 --> 00:13:37,490 ♪ Hot dogs ♪ 388 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:40,120 ♪ Hot dogs... ♪ 389 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:44,430 ♪ Everybody loves hot dogs ♪ 390 00:13:44,460 --> 00:13:47,100 ♪ Hot dogs ♪ ♪ Dogs ♪ 391 00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:50,070 ♪ Everybody's favorite treat is hot dogs ♪ 392 00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:51,470 ♪ Hot dogs ♪ 393 00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:54,840 ♪ Pretzels! ♪ 394 00:13:57,110 --> 00:13:58,340 Whoa, partner! 395 00:13:58,380 --> 00:13:59,540 Wait up! 396 00:13:59,580 --> 00:14:00,940 That work-style 397 00:14:00,980 --> 00:14:02,350 thing was pretty fun. 398 00:14:02,380 --> 00:14:03,750 Let's parlay that into a beer. 399 00:14:03,780 --> 00:14:06,080 My buddy has a bar he works at, down the street. 400 00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:08,220 It's carpeted, so... 401 00:14:08,250 --> 00:14:10,250 Bishop, what don't you get? 402 00:14:10,290 --> 00:14:11,860 No. 403 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,060 Are you okay? 404 00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:20,930 Oh, hey, man. Thanks. 405 00:14:20,970 --> 00:14:22,900 - Yeah, I don't know, man. - It's just... 406 00:14:22,940 --> 00:14:24,300 I'm talking to a ladybug. 407 00:14:24,340 --> 00:14:26,070 Squeeze my hand! 408 00:14:26,110 --> 00:14:28,410 Just one more push! You're almost there! 409 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:30,970 The first child is always the hardest! 410 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,210 Hey, bud. 411 00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:35,410 - Hard candy? - Is it butterscotch? 412 00:14:35,450 --> 00:14:38,180 No, 'cause we're friggin' strangers. 413 00:14:38,220 --> 00:14:40,220 "Is it butterscotch?" 414 00:14:40,250 --> 00:14:42,190 So, you freaked out a little back there, 415 00:14:42,220 --> 00:14:44,020 didn't you? 416 00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:46,460 Not to use some Popsicle psychology... 417 00:14:46,490 --> 00:14:47,960 "Popsicle psychology"? 418 00:14:47,990 --> 00:14:49,530 Yeah, it's pop psychology for short. 419 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,160 'Cause, you know, 420 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:52,960 you eat the Popsicle and you love it so much 421 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,200 and then you're stuck holding the-the stick? 422 00:14:55,230 --> 00:14:57,630 You get it. you get it. 423 00:14:57,670 --> 00:14:59,100 - Not really, but... - I think you have 424 00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:02,570 some pent-up resentment towards your mom. 425 00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:03,970 She's trying to control you! 426 00:15:04,010 --> 00:15:05,480 She treats you like a little baby 427 00:15:05,510 --> 00:15:07,310 who can't do anything for himself. 428 00:15:07,350 --> 00:15:08,950 That's why I never wrote the cards in the first place. 429 00:15:08,980 --> 00:15:10,910 Go tell that to your mom! 430 00:15:10,950 --> 00:15:12,820 She'll understand. 431 00:15:12,850 --> 00:15:14,450 I don't understand. 432 00:15:14,490 --> 00:15:16,850 The couch looks good here though, doesn't it? 433 00:15:16,890 --> 00:15:18,420 It opens up the whole room. 434 00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:20,360 Louise, I think what your boy is trying to say is... 435 00:15:20,390 --> 00:15:22,060 Shut it, Nick. 436 00:15:22,090 --> 00:15:24,030 Honey, why do you hang out with him? 437 00:15:24,060 --> 00:15:28,000 You know Nancy Borkow? Her son just moved to L.A. 438 00:15:28,030 --> 00:15:29,830 He wrote a movie script for the movies. 439 00:15:29,870 --> 00:15:31,900 I can connect you. You need better friends! 440 00:15:31,940 --> 00:15:34,070 Enough, Mom! 441 00:15:34,110 --> 00:15:35,370 You don't get to choose my friends! 442 00:15:35,410 --> 00:15:36,840 You don't get to choose anything! 443 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:39,280 Because this is my life! 444 00:15:39,310 --> 00:15:43,180 It's my dream and nothing's gonna stop me now! 445 00:15:43,220 --> 00:15:45,520 It feels like that's from something. 446 00:15:45,550 --> 00:15:47,920 - It feels like, it feels like it's from a movie or something. - ♪ My life ♪ 447 00:15:47,950 --> 00:15:49,920 - Yeah, I think it's a song. It's a song. - Like some sort of song, right? 448 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,790 - It's the Perfect Stranger theme. - Well, you know, 449 00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:53,120 it doesn't matter! 450 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:54,560 You know, we did a good job with those cards, Mom. 451 00:15:54,590 --> 00:15:56,160 And we don't need any of your money. 452 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,160 Whoa, we're all being very emotional. 453 00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,300 Let's just slow everything... 454 00:15:59,330 --> 00:16:01,100 I'm moving the couch back! 455 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:05,240 Gosh! 456 00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:08,910 Did you nail that thing down? 457 00:16:08,940 --> 00:16:11,240 That's... You move that all by yourself? 458 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,080 I'm an adult man, Mom. 459 00:16:13,110 --> 00:16:14,650 And Nick is my best friend in the whole wide world. 460 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,510 And we're gonna buy a small portion of that bar 461 00:16:16,550 --> 00:16:19,050 without any of your help. 462 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,320 And also, there's some leftover chili in the fridge 463 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,160 if you get hungry, and, please, make sure 464 00:16:28,190 --> 00:16:30,230 to put a plate over it before you put it in the microwave. 465 00:16:30,260 --> 00:16:32,260 I don't want it to splatter everywhere! 466 00:16:34,570 --> 00:16:36,630 ♪ And that's why they call it ♪ 467 00:16:36,670 --> 00:16:39,140 ♪ The out-of-peanuts ♪ 468 00:16:39,170 --> 00:16:41,370 ♪ Blues... ♪ 469 00:16:41,410 --> 00:16:45,480 ♪ Stadium taco. ♪ 470 00:16:49,180 --> 00:16:52,420 Thank you guys for being a bright spot on my sad day. 471 00:16:52,450 --> 00:16:54,180 Aah! 472 00:16:54,220 --> 00:16:55,550 - Shucks! - Sorry! 473 00:16:55,590 --> 00:16:57,390 I thought I saw Pete's ghost! 474 00:16:57,420 --> 00:16:59,690 It was a paint can. 475 00:16:59,730 --> 00:17:00,890 Are you sure about...? 476 00:17:01,990 --> 00:17:03,530 Ugh! We gotta find this phone. 477 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:05,030 And get the hell out of here. 478 00:17:05,060 --> 00:17:06,030 Okay, it's ringing. 479 00:17:06,070 --> 00:17:08,470 Can anybody hear it? 480 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:11,070 Oh, no, no, no, 481 00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:12,300 no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 482 00:17:12,340 --> 00:17:14,710 There's another box. 483 00:17:14,740 --> 00:17:17,370 What the hell...? "Property of Pete"? 484 00:17:17,410 --> 00:17:20,010 He made my sext his called I.D.? 485 00:17:20,050 --> 00:17:22,380 This is a sext? 486 00:17:24,350 --> 00:17:25,850 JJ fired him over text! 487 00:17:29,407 --> 00:17:32,440 After the day I had, I needed this. 488 00:17:32,470 --> 00:17:34,170 Me, too. 489 00:17:34,210 --> 00:17:35,440 What happened? 490 00:17:35,470 --> 00:17:36,770 I know you were talking to yourself. 491 00:17:36,810 --> 00:17:38,210 Now you're talking to a stranger. 492 00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:39,640 Get over it. 493 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:42,180 Is that a crime in California? What happened? 494 00:17:42,210 --> 00:17:44,520 I got dragged to a random dude's funeral. 495 00:17:44,550 --> 00:17:46,350 Who dragged you? My friend. She always thinks 496 00:17:46,390 --> 00:17:47,690 she knows what's best. 497 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,120 Who's your friend... me? 498 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:52,390 No. 499 00:17:52,430 --> 00:17:55,060 I got accused of that today by my son. 500 00:17:55,090 --> 00:17:56,660 He's tired of me babying him. 501 00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:59,060 But he's my baby, so what am I supposed to do? 502 00:17:59,100 --> 00:18:00,630 Maybe you have to let go a little. 503 00:18:00,670 --> 00:18:04,300 This is why strangers talk. 504 00:18:04,340 --> 00:18:06,000 You're a genius. 505 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:08,240 Want to see a picture of my son? He's handsome. 506 00:18:08,270 --> 00:18:10,440 Nah. I'm kind of in love with my ex, so... 507 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,140 All right, you can't date him anyway. 508 00:18:13,180 --> 00:18:15,350 You're not Jewish, so over my dead body and all that. 509 00:18:18,620 --> 00:18:20,750 Today was not a win for me. 510 00:18:20,790 --> 00:18:22,490 It's the right thing to do. 511 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,590 I don't even know what that means. 512 00:18:24,620 --> 00:18:26,420 - Well, you made today about yourself. - Mm. 513 00:18:26,460 --> 00:18:29,160 Not to use popcorn psychology, but it's human nature. 514 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,230 You know? Soon as I saw JJ walk in, I was, like, 515 00:18:31,260 --> 00:18:32,760 "JJ Watt, be my best friend." 516 00:18:35,530 --> 00:18:37,200 I got to do something. 517 00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:38,670 Should I tell Aly off? Uh... 518 00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,540 put in for a new partner? 519 00:18:40,570 --> 00:18:41,670 What's the right thing to do here? 520 00:18:41,710 --> 00:18:43,770 I can say with 100% certainty 521 00:18:43,810 --> 00:18:45,380 I have no idea. 522 00:18:45,410 --> 00:18:47,510 Look at you. I'm proud of you. 523 00:18:47,550 --> 00:18:49,450 - I learned from the best. - That's awesome. 524 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:51,650 What a wonderful moment we're having today! 525 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:52,880 You know what? I'll figure it out myself. 526 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:54,920 Thank you. 527 00:18:54,950 --> 00:18:56,790 This is from that sixth grader over there. 528 00:18:56,820 --> 00:18:58,690 Hmm? 529 00:19:01,730 --> 00:19:05,130 Aly, what are you doing here? 530 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:06,660 I just wanted to explain. Look... 531 00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:09,800 I hung out a lot with my last partner. 532 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,070 And we got close and... 533 00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:13,370 - You shot him? - What? 534 00:19:13,410 --> 00:19:14,510 - He died? - No. 535 00:19:14,540 --> 00:19:15,540 Oh, my goodness... is he...? 536 00:19:15,570 --> 00:19:16,540 Did he survive? 537 00:19:16,580 --> 00:19:17,680 What are you talking about? 538 00:19:17,710 --> 00:19:19,080 How did you partner die? 539 00:19:19,110 --> 00:19:20,440 He didn't die! 540 00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:21,280 So, what's your point? 541 00:19:21,310 --> 00:19:22,710 He just fell in love with me! 542 00:19:22,750 --> 00:19:24,110 - Oh... oh! Oh! - Yeah. 543 00:19:24,150 --> 00:19:25,480 - Ooh... - And it messed everything up. 544 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,920 And I just don't want that to happen again. 545 00:19:27,950 --> 00:19:31,120 Damn, you're conceited! 546 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:32,690 Don't nobody want your babies. 547 00:19:32,730 --> 00:19:34,220 I know that now! 548 00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:35,490 I mean, you brought me to your loft 549 00:19:35,530 --> 00:19:37,130 and showed me a bar mitzvah video. 550 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:38,800 - Friends? - Cool, cool. 551 00:19:38,830 --> 00:19:41,630 Just, uh... don't go falling in love with me. 552 00:19:41,670 --> 00:19:43,800 - 'Cause I'm lovable as hell. - Okay. 553 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:44,840 I think I'll be okay. 554 00:19:44,870 --> 00:19:46,370 All right. 555 00:19:55,510 --> 00:19:56,850 Another! 556 00:19:58,620 --> 00:20:00,420 Oh, my. 557 00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:01,850 Michael... 558 00:20:01,890 --> 00:20:03,690 we'd like to buy your share of the bar. 559 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,890 And although we don't have the full $20,000 at the present... 560 00:20:06,930 --> 00:20:09,690 - You don't have the money? No. - But we're the right guys. 561 00:20:09,730 --> 00:20:10,960 No, the right guys would have the money. 562 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,460 Or Kieran Culkin's mouth. 563 00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:14,330 How about Owen Wilson's nose? 564 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,200 Mom? 565 00:20:19,410 --> 00:20:20,400 Oh, my God! 566 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:21,670 Schmidt, is this your mom? 567 00:20:21,710 --> 00:20:22,910 Hi. I've heard so much about you. 568 00:20:22,940 --> 00:20:24,610 How's Long Island? 569 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:25,680 Any cute Schmidt stories? 570 00:20:25,710 --> 00:20:27,280 I need less from you. 571 00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:28,650 Okay. 572 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,580 I met a Mexican woman at the nail salon... 573 00:20:31,620 --> 00:20:34,250 who made me realize... 574 00:20:34,290 --> 00:20:35,950 I need to let go. 575 00:20:35,990 --> 00:20:37,350 You're a man. 576 00:20:37,390 --> 00:20:39,720 And you deserve your bar mitzvah money. 577 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,030 Thanks, Mom. 578 00:20:42,060 --> 00:20:45,630 Mike, we want to buy your ten percent of the bar. 579 00:20:45,660 --> 00:20:47,500 This bar?! 580 00:20:47,530 --> 00:20:50,030 There's a dying catfish laying on the sidewalk out front! 581 00:20:50,070 --> 00:20:52,500 This would be a hilarious time for me to back out... 582 00:20:52,540 --> 00:20:53,640 but okay. 583 00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:55,540 Yes! We're part owners! 584 00:20:55,570 --> 00:20:58,540 We're part owners! 585 00:20:59,850 --> 00:21:02,550 How great this moment? 586 00:21:02,580 --> 00:21:04,520 I just think you'd be more of a success socially 587 00:21:04,550 --> 00:21:07,620 if you let people come to you. 588 00:21:07,650 --> 00:21:09,420 You know what's fun? 589 00:21:09,460 --> 00:21:11,790 I'm not gonna be able to sleep until we're best friends. 590 00:21:14,660 --> 00:21:15,630 Nick, can you believe it? 591 00:21:15,660 --> 00:21:16,860 You're a bar owner. 592 00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:17,930 I'm so proud of you. 593 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,760 None of this would've happened 594 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:24,000 - without Schmidt standing up to his mom. - It was so scary. 595 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:25,554 I can't believe I missed her. 596 00:21:25,555 --> 00:21:28,449 We still can use the other 90% of the bar, right? 597 00:21:28,450 --> 00:21:29,866 - Yeah - You know, that's not how it works. 598 00:21:29,867 --> 00:21:31,468 It's just this is my favorite section. I wanted to... 599 00:21:31,469 --> 00:21:32,494 It's a financial share. 600 00:21:32,498 --> 00:21:35,617 - To Schmidt's mom. I do want to have sex with her. - Nick. 601 00:21:35,618 --> 00:21:37,610 ☯Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17☯ ❃www.addic7ed.com