1
00:00:06,650 --> 00:00:08,990
Coach and May are fighting.
We don't want to disturb them.
2
00:00:09,020 --> 00:00:10,290
They're not fighting.
3
00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:12,120
I know how to read body language. Look.
4
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:13,690
Her arms are crossed in
a position of dominance,
5
00:00:13,730 --> 00:00:15,290
and he's playing his forehead
6
00:00:15,330 --> 00:00:16,960
- like a piano.
- Will you clowns focus?
7
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,630
My waffle is in the toaster,
and if I wait too long
8
00:00:19,670 --> 00:00:21,630
- after it pops, it'll get hard.
- Look,
9
00:00:21,670 --> 00:00:22,970
I know about relationships.
10
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,170
Winston can vouch for me.
11
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:26,010
That girl, KC, just texted him,
12
00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:27,970
"What's up?"
13
00:00:28,010 --> 00:00:29,140
- That riddler.
- So I had him text back
14
00:00:29,180 --> 00:00:30,880
an empty bubble.
15
00:00:30,910 --> 00:00:33,880
Is he thinking about her? Or is
a baby playing with the phone?
16
00:00:33,910 --> 00:00:36,220
She don't know, but she want to know.
17
00:00:36,250 --> 00:00:37,720
- There she is. There she is.
- Oh.
18
00:00:37,750 --> 00:00:38,580
Hey.
19
00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:40,590
- Morning.
- Hello. - How do?
20
00:00:40,620 --> 00:00:42,560
Hey. Oh, someone left a
waffle in the toaster.
21
00:00:42,590 --> 00:00:43,590
Bye, guys.
22
00:00:43,620 --> 00:00:45,020
Man, this waffle had better be hot
23
00:00:45,060 --> 00:00:46,930
- or I am going Durst on y'all.
- Hey...
24
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:48,760
- Coach.
- Why...
25
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:51,260
- Jess, are you talking like that?
- She thinks you
26
00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:52,330
- and May are fighting.
- No,
27
00:00:52,370 --> 00:00:53,570
we're not fighting.
28
00:00:54,870 --> 00:00:56,000
We did break up, though.
29
00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:57,400
Oh, my God, I knew it.
30
00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:58,840
I mean, I'm so sorry. What happened?
31
00:00:58,870 --> 00:01:00,070
May accepted a job in New York
32
00:01:00,110 --> 00:01:03,280
as a section musician for the Met.
33
00:01:03,310 --> 00:01:05,010
Oh, has Alan taken a
liking to her? Oh, bravo.
34
00:01:05,050 --> 00:01:06,850
Good for... You know, I've
always been a fan of his.
35
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:10,250
When he conducted, uh, Das Rheingold
36
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:13,250
with the Royal Stockholm
Orchestra, it was magnificent.
37
00:01:13,290 --> 00:01:17,020
- Jar or slap?
- I don't have any cash on me.
38
00:01:17,060 --> 00:01:18,190
- Good slap.
- Are you okay?
39
00:01:18,230 --> 00:01:19,860
Do you want to talk about it?
40
00:01:19,890 --> 00:01:21,790
No, I'm good. Yeah. I'll miss her, but...
41
00:01:21,830 --> 00:01:23,800
we're still friends. We're cool.
42
00:01:23,830 --> 00:01:25,560
- I'm cool.
- Cool. All right.
43
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:28,570
He is not good.
44
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:32,240
Winston, get back here! We need
to powwow about May and Coach!
45
00:01:34,170 --> 00:01:37,180
Winnie's gonna need a minute.
46
00:01:41,150 --> 00:01:44,150
☯Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17☯
❃www.addic7ed.com❃
47
00:01:44,250 --> 00:01:46,820
What are you reading? What is...
48
00:01:46,850 --> 00:01:49,720
One Woman's Journey Up Inside Herself?
49
00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,120
It's really inspiring. I actually want to be
50
00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:52,590
the woman in this book.
51
00:01:52,630 --> 00:01:55,090
"Finding inner strength in a time of crises."
52
00:01:55,130 --> 00:01:57,500
Cece, are you in crises?
53
00:01:57,530 --> 00:02:00,130
I'm fine. Cece's fine.
54
00:02:00,170 --> 00:02:02,440
How are you? How's Fawn holding up?
55
00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:04,840
If you must know, my paramour
Councilwoman Fawn Moscato
56
00:02:04,870 --> 00:02:07,070
has been so strong since the incident.
57
00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:10,610
You know, reporters are
calling it Panty-Gate.
58
00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:12,610
There's pictures of her naked lady-bottom
59
00:02:12,650 --> 00:02:14,250
all over the Internet. Sid,
60
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:15,980
put the phone away.
61
00:02:16,020 --> 00:02:19,150
You picked it up right when
I said "naked lady-bottom."
62
00:02:19,190 --> 00:02:21,290
Please. You guys are good, then?
63
00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,460
You know, 'cause the last time we spoke,
64
00:02:23,490 --> 00:02:26,690
you said you were feeling
a little, you know, used.
65
00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:28,660
Well, not anymore. We're a team now.
66
00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:29,960
Fawn and Schmidt.
67
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,000
Fawmidt.
68
00:02:31,030 --> 00:02:32,630
- Vomit?
- No,
69
00:02:32,670 --> 00:02:33,430
- Fawmidt.
- You're saying
70
00:02:33,470 --> 00:02:34,470
the word "vomit."
71
00:02:34,500 --> 00:02:36,100
No, I don't hear that, but okay.
72
00:02:36,140 --> 00:02:38,200
Fawn's holding a press
conference later today,
73
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:40,170
and I don't mean to toot
my own shofar, but I'll be
74
00:02:40,210 --> 00:02:42,110
- standing there right by her side.
- So this scandal
75
00:02:42,140 --> 00:02:44,440
is actually bringing you two closer together.
76
00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,450
Team Fawmidt has never been stronger.
77
00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:48,680
I heard it there.
78
00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:50,780
Wow, that sounds exactly like "vomit."
79
00:02:50,820 --> 00:02:53,350
- That's a problem.
- Mm-hmm.
80
00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:56,360
"Roughly the same length as The Pearl."
81
00:02:56,390 --> 00:02:58,360
How is that a pull quote?
82
00:02:58,390 --> 00:03:00,360
And that...
83
00:03:00,390 --> 00:03:02,290
is how babies get made.
84
00:03:02,330 --> 00:03:03,630
It's gross, right?
85
00:03:03,660 --> 00:03:05,030
How does the sperm find the egg?
86
00:03:05,070 --> 00:03:07,030
Propelled by its tail,
87
00:03:07,070 --> 00:03:10,140
the sperm travels up the canal
until it reaches the egg.
88
00:03:10,170 --> 00:03:12,140
Now, for us, it's only a couple of inches,
89
00:03:12,170 --> 00:03:14,140
but for Mr. Sperm there
90
00:03:14,170 --> 00:03:16,380
it's miles away.
91
00:03:16,410 --> 00:03:20,180
Miles and miles and miles away.
92
00:03:20,210 --> 00:03:24,020
It's almost like...
93
00:03:24,050 --> 00:03:29,190
why would the egg want to be
so far away from the sperm?
94
00:03:29,220 --> 00:03:30,820
You know? Like, didn't the egg and the sperm
95
00:03:30,860 --> 00:03:32,560
have a great time together?
96
00:03:32,590 --> 00:03:34,730
And then you're just gonna
pack your bags and leave
97
00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,160
and go to New York?
98
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,560
To play music with some other sperm.
99
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:41,400
You're just-just gonna leave?
You're gonna leave your sperm
100
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,400
and go play music with other sperms?
101
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,570
And I'm cool with that! I'm cool with that!
102
00:03:45,610 --> 00:03:48,940
You know, I got eggs. I have eggs on deck!
103
00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:50,540
This sperm got swag. All those other sperms
104
00:03:50,580 --> 00:03:52,880
ain't got swag like me. Can any other sperm
105
00:03:52,910 --> 00:03:58,350
sport this much green
and still look dope? No!
106
00:03:58,390 --> 00:04:01,350
That ain't tight! This is tight!
107
00:04:01,390 --> 00:04:02,920
This is tight!
108
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,390
I just want you
109
00:04:05,430 --> 00:04:07,230
to come back, and I...
110
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,530
I guess I chose the wrong
day to observe Health.
111
00:04:12,570 --> 00:04:15,000
I miss her!
112
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:16,700
May.
113
00:04:16,740 --> 00:04:19,540
Listen, thanks for standing
next to me up there, Ponyboy.
114
00:04:19,570 --> 00:04:20,910
I hope this show of remorse
115
00:04:20,940 --> 00:04:22,410
will keep these reporters off my back.
116
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:24,080
Oh, I know it will. And then, you know what,
117
00:04:24,110 --> 00:04:25,650
once this is over, maybe we get out of here
118
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:27,410
- for a little bit. Lay low, - Oh.
119
00:04:27,450 --> 00:04:28,980
- Rent a cabin in the woods,
- Yeah.
120
00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:31,380
- Read some poetry, have horizontal sex.
- Okay,
121
00:04:31,420 --> 00:04:33,750
two of those three things
sound like fun. Now,
122
00:04:33,790 --> 00:04:36,290
- here's your statement in case you're asked any questions.
- Oh, a st...
123
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,490
I'm not gonna need a statement.
I'm a seasoned improviser.
124
00:04:38,530 --> 00:04:40,330
Hey, guys. We're the Belly Laughs.
125
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:43,400
- So, I need a location.
- How 'bout fat camp?
126
00:04:46,530 --> 00:04:50,240
That's adorable. But just,
please, read what I wrote.
127
00:04:50,270 --> 00:04:52,240
I will. But I'm not gonna
do it until I get out there.
128
00:04:52,270 --> 00:04:54,110
You're gonna want me in the moment for this.
129
00:04:54,140 --> 00:04:56,810
Okay.
130
00:04:58,450 --> 00:04:59,910
Good afternoon.
131
00:04:59,950 --> 00:05:02,280
Um, before I answer any of your questions,
132
00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,820
my partner would like to read a statement.
133
00:05:04,850 --> 00:05:06,650
Honey.
134
00:05:07,690 --> 00:05:10,120
I am a sick man.
135
00:05:14,860 --> 00:05:16,530
On Saturday last, Councilwoman Moscato
136
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:19,530
was caught not wearing
underpants because I...
137
00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:22,800
I asked her not to wear them.
138
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:25,240
Why?
139
00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:33,450
Because it turns me on.
140
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,620
What I did was wrong. I'm so sorry,
141
00:05:35,650 --> 00:05:37,280
Fawn.
142
00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:40,690
I'm sorry, Los Angeles.
143
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:43,360
And I'm sorry to the man upstairs,
144
00:05:43,390 --> 00:05:46,390
my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
145
00:05:51,010 --> 00:05:53,040
- Dress shirts on a Monday?
- You know how it is.
146
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:54,780
Coach breaks up with a lady, we take him out,
147
00:05:54,810 --> 00:05:56,040
- and he gets loaded.
- Yeah,
148
00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:57,780
I know how it usually goes
149
00:05:57,810 --> 00:05:59,880
when Coach breaks up with a
girl, but May is different.
150
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,180
Sometimes she comes over and
they don't even have sex.
151
00:06:02,220 --> 00:06:04,020
- I don't get that.
- Trust me, I am right
152
00:06:04,050 --> 00:06:06,020
about this, just like I was
right about them fighting.
153
00:06:06,050 --> 00:06:09,020
I'm on, like, a streak
here. I might just be...
154
00:06:09,060 --> 00:06:11,760
an expert in love. Like a...
155
00:06:11,790 --> 00:06:14,400
you know, like a love doctor, if you will.
156
00:06:14,430 --> 00:06:17,230
I will not. You are the
least qualified person
157
00:06:17,270 --> 00:06:20,300
to call themselves a doctor of love.
158
00:06:20,340 --> 00:06:22,970
Exhibit "A": you dated me.
159
00:06:23,010 --> 00:06:24,110
I rest my case.
160
00:06:24,140 --> 00:06:26,110
Court is adjourned.
161
00:06:26,140 --> 00:06:27,880
Guilty as charged.
162
00:06:29,510 --> 00:06:30,910
- Put... I would stop that.
- Case...
163
00:06:30,950 --> 00:06:32,910
rested. Listen, I got to say
164
00:06:32,950 --> 00:06:34,320
I agree with Nick on this one, Jess.
165
00:06:34,350 --> 00:06:35,580
I mean, it's been a whole day,
166
00:06:35,620 --> 00:06:37,790
and KC still hasn't texted me.
167
00:06:37,820 --> 00:06:39,790
Well, that's just proof
that the bubble is working.
168
00:06:39,820 --> 00:06:42,060
Look, you guys, Coach needs to talk to May.
169
00:06:42,090 --> 00:06:44,560
Trust me. He is in pain.
170
00:06:44,590 --> 00:06:48,930
I'm happy and I'm healthy
and I'm ready to party!
171
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,630
Let's get drunk!
172
00:06:50,670 --> 00:06:51,900
You're wrong.
173
00:06:51,930 --> 00:06:53,330
Coach.
174
00:06:53,370 --> 00:06:54,800
Do you want to talk about what happened today
175
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:55,800
- or...
- Talk about what?
176
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:57,810
No.
177
00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:00,010
Hey, um, actually, can you do me a favor?
178
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,740
May's gonna be recording later.
179
00:07:01,780 --> 00:07:03,580
She's gonna stop by and
pick up her rubber circle.
180
00:07:03,610 --> 00:07:05,080
- May has a diaphragm?
- No,
181
00:07:05,110 --> 00:07:06,150
it's the thing that you put on the floor
182
00:07:06,180 --> 00:07:07,580
to stabilize the cello.
183
00:07:07,620 --> 00:07:09,580
- Condom.
- No.
184
00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:11,250
No, it's the thing you put on the floor
185
00:07:11,290 --> 00:07:12,750
to make sure the cello stays put.
186
00:07:12,790 --> 00:07:15,460
- Cello stabilizer.
- Oh, yeah. Cello stabilizer.
187
00:07:15,490 --> 00:07:18,660
- Oh. Well, wouldn't you like to be here when she comes by?
- No,
188
00:07:18,690 --> 00:07:22,130
- that's gonna be hella weird. I want to party!
- Yeah!
189
00:07:24,570 --> 00:07:28,140
I'm gonna do this and gonna do this, this,
190
00:07:28,170 --> 00:07:29,200
this, this, this.
191
00:07:31,370 --> 00:07:34,040
What was that speech?
192
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,380
I'm sorry, okay? I told you to
read the statement beforehand
193
00:07:36,410 --> 00:07:37,980
and then you told me that terrifying story
194
00:07:38,010 --> 00:07:40,050
about doing improv at a fat person's camp.
195
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:41,350
I didn't know that the statement
196
00:07:41,380 --> 00:07:43,720
was gonna blame me for Panty-Gate.
197
00:07:43,750 --> 00:07:45,490
And by the way, for your information,
198
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,960
the Belly Laughs did not "do"
improv. We reinvented it.
199
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:50,460
I know you must
200
00:07:50,490 --> 00:07:53,230
be embarrassed, but... you saved me.
201
00:07:53,260 --> 00:07:55,400
Yeah, well, people think I'm a sicko now.
202
00:07:55,430 --> 00:07:57,700
- One of your aides spit at me.
- Was it Shallon? Yeah,
203
00:07:57,730 --> 00:08:01,300
that's a lisp, but still, he's fired. Look,
204
00:08:01,340 --> 00:08:03,170
if you want to leave, I
completely understand.
205
00:08:03,210 --> 00:08:04,910
But the truth is...
206
00:08:04,940 --> 00:08:07,810
I can't do this without you.
207
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,910
Well, now Ponyboy is feeling very conflicted.
208
00:08:10,950 --> 00:08:12,250
Just one last photo op.
209
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:13,850
You and I having a lovely evening.
210
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:15,420
Show the press everything's back to normal.
211
00:08:15,450 --> 00:08:18,920
And then I promise it'll
just all be about us.
212
00:08:18,950 --> 00:08:20,560
Could we do horizontal sex?
213
00:08:20,590 --> 00:08:22,020
- Yes.
- With foreplay?
214
00:08:24,260 --> 00:08:26,530
- It's a deal-b... It's a
deal-breaker. It's a - Uh... Yeah.
215
00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:29,430
- Deal-breaker. Okay.
- Fine, yes, fine, yes.
216
00:08:29,470 --> 00:08:30,700
Oh, God.
217
00:08:30,730 --> 00:08:32,070
No, please. Oh...
218
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:33,670
Oh, God.
219
00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:35,670
May.
220
00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:36,740
Cece!
221
00:08:36,770 --> 00:08:38,610
So Coach a May broke up?
222
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:39,840
Long story short,
223
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:40,910
they shouldn't have broken up
224
00:08:40,940 --> 00:08:42,080
and I am the only person
225
00:08:42,110 --> 00:08:43,510
that sees this. I realize
226
00:08:43,550 --> 00:08:45,010
I'm kind of an expert in love.
227
00:08:45,050 --> 00:08:47,380
A love doctor if you will.
228
00:08:47,420 --> 00:08:48,880
Where are your crackers?
229
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:50,080
A-Above the fridge.
230
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:51,790
Cece, did they raise your tuition again?
231
00:08:51,820 --> 00:08:53,220
Why are you so hungry?
232
00:08:53,260 --> 00:08:55,460
I've decided I'm going to climb
233
00:08:55,490 --> 00:08:57,460
Mount Shasta.
234
00:08:57,490 --> 00:09:00,360
- By yourself?
- I'm leaving for three weeks. I want to like
235
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:01,960
the woman in the book, I want to go on
236
00:09:01,970 --> 00:09:04,430
a climbing trip and find myself.
237
00:09:04,470 --> 00:09:07,700
Okay, um... Ceec,
238
00:09:07,740 --> 00:09:11,210
are you sure you're ready
for a climbing trip?
239
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:12,910
Jess, I just... I can't sit here
240
00:09:12,940 --> 00:09:16,110
and watch Schmidt with Fawn.
241
00:09:16,150 --> 00:09:19,380
And I don't think they're
breaking up any time soon, so...
242
00:09:19,420 --> 00:09:23,250
Cece, they're never gonna last.
He doesn't really love her.
243
00:09:23,290 --> 00:09:24,790
Did he tell you that?
244
00:09:24,820 --> 00:09:27,160
No, but...
245
00:09:27,190 --> 00:09:29,660
as a doctor of love, I sense these things.
246
00:09:31,430 --> 00:09:34,000
The Love Doctor just knows.
247
00:09:37,270 --> 00:09:38,770
- May.
- Hi.
248
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,100
Uh, I'm here for my endpin anchor.
249
00:09:41,140 --> 00:09:44,140
- Yeah.
- Ah, thank you.
250
00:09:44,170 --> 00:09:47,310
Very sorry to hear about
the breakup. Are you okay?
251
00:09:47,340 --> 00:09:49,180
Um, yeah. Yeah.
252
00:09:49,210 --> 00:09:52,580
I'm here to talk if you
ever need to. In hard times,
253
00:09:52,610 --> 00:09:54,580
it's nice to have a friend, May.
254
00:09:54,620 --> 00:09:56,750
Thanks... Jess.
255
00:09:56,790 --> 00:09:58,250
Right?
256
00:09:58,290 --> 00:09:59,990
- Yes.
- Well, uh...
257
00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:01,360
I'm in the middle of a recording session.
258
00:10:01,390 --> 00:10:03,629
I got to get back to the
studio, so... see ya.
259
00:10:03,630 --> 00:10:05,960
Bye.
260
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:10,160
Yeah, Jess, she looks
real broken up about it.
261
00:10:16,170 --> 00:10:18,610
I... I'm a mess.
262
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,610
I know!
263
00:10:23,210 --> 00:10:25,150
The doctor is in.
264
00:10:25,180 --> 00:10:26,380
Wait, what?
265
00:10:26,420 --> 00:10:27,980
Nothing. Cry it out.
266
00:10:30,650 --> 00:10:32,620
Mmm! Ah.
267
00:10:32,660 --> 00:10:34,490
Wow.
268
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,790
I have never seen Coach go
this hard after a breakup, man.
269
00:10:36,830 --> 00:10:38,690
- You sure he's okay?
- It's good, it's good, it's good.
270
00:10:38,730 --> 00:10:40,830
You treat an outside wound
with rubbing alcohol,
271
00:10:40,860 --> 00:10:42,500
you treat an inside wound
with drinking alcohol.
272
00:10:42,530 --> 00:10:44,570
That's science.
273
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,370
- I feel that, man.
- It is time to turn things up.
274
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:48,700
Sidney...
275
00:10:48,740 --> 00:10:50,740
Do what you do!
276
00:10:55,950 --> 00:10:59,550
Aw...
277
00:10:59,580 --> 00:11:03,280
This is my jam.
278
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:06,320
We've only been dating for a
279
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:07,920
few months. I just thought that...
280
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,530
that breaking up was, like,
the smart thing to do,
281
00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:12,030
- you know?
- I know you're upset,
282
00:11:12,060 --> 00:11:14,430
sweetie, but I... I can't understand
283
00:11:14,460 --> 00:11:16,730
anything you're saying with the crackers.
284
00:11:17,970 --> 00:11:18,930
Do you love him?
285
00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:21,100
I think I do.
286
00:11:21,140 --> 00:11:23,100
Well, then, maybe moving
to New York doesn't mean
287
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:24,940
- you have to break up.
- So you think
288
00:11:24,970 --> 00:11:26,740
that I should... that I should
289
00:11:26,780 --> 00:11:28,380
- ask Coach to move with me?
- Okay,
290
00:11:28,410 --> 00:11:30,210
how about we put down the crackers?
291
00:11:31,150 --> 00:11:32,950
I think she wants Coach
292
00:11:32,980 --> 00:11:34,750
to move to New York with her.
293
00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:37,390
- Oh! Yes, yes!
- I mean...
294
00:11:37,420 --> 00:11:40,760
- Yeah? You-You... You think that he would say yeah?
- Yeah. Definitely. He's
295
00:11:40,790 --> 00:11:43,460
crazy about you. He had a
meltdown today in health class.
296
00:11:43,490 --> 00:11:47,100
Now, the kids did learn that
sex is emotionally complicated,
297
00:11:47,130 --> 00:11:48,700
so it was a good class, but trust me...
298
00:11:48,730 --> 00:11:51,600
What Jess is trying to
say here is that if you...
299
00:11:51,630 --> 00:11:54,740
if you really know how
you feel about someone,
300
00:11:54,770 --> 00:11:56,570
you need to act now.
301
00:11:56,610 --> 00:12:00,380
Wow. Am I really doing this?
302
00:12:00,410 --> 00:12:01,980
Yeah, but not before we clean your face,
303
00:12:02,010 --> 00:12:03,610
'cause it's caked in snot.
304
00:12:03,650 --> 00:12:07,480
Ooh, yeah, Coach!
305
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,290
- Who you think he's gonna hook up with?
- It's a tough Monday crowd. It...
306
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:11,620
It's nearly impossible to say, but
307
00:12:11,650 --> 00:12:12,920
I'm gonna go with the white bodysuit
308
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,220
and, uh, the leopard print leggings.
309
00:12:14,260 --> 00:12:16,220
She looks smart to me.
310
00:12:16,260 --> 00:12:18,990
No way. No way. money's on
the one with the wedding ring
311
00:12:19,030 --> 00:12:20,630
whose husband is clearly
over there in the corner
312
00:12:20,660 --> 00:12:23,300
- spying on her.
- Yeah, he's not happy about that.
313
00:12:23,330 --> 00:12:26,470
Oh, oh, ooh! Dora the Explorer
314
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:27,570
just entered the scene
315
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,900
You're tiny. I like it.
316
00:12:29,940 --> 00:12:32,170
- There she g... Oh!
- For the kiss!
317
00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:34,140
- Oh!
- The winner,
318
00:12:34,180 --> 00:12:35,410
the winner.
319
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,080
Oh. May's here. Coach.
320
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,550
May here, she here.
321
00:12:45,050 --> 00:12:47,090
Wh-Wha... Uh, May,
322
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:48,290
wh-what are... what are you doing here?
323
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,160
No, come on.
324
00:12:56,030 --> 00:12:58,430
In case you were wondering, she, uh,
325
00:12:58,470 --> 00:13:00,170
she did get her little
326
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,200
rubber holder thing.
327
00:13:10,020 --> 00:13:12,750
Coach, um, I wanted to apologize.
328
00:13:12,790 --> 00:13:14,520
- Not now, honey.
- He needs some time, honey.
329
00:13:14,550 --> 00:13:16,420
- I brought over a beer.
- We'll take that beer.
330
00:13:16,460 --> 00:13:17,620
Give us that beer, honey.
331
00:13:18,890 --> 00:13:21,160
Sorry.
332
00:13:21,190 --> 00:13:23,530
I'm not a freaking love doctor.
333
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:26,170
I'm Dr. E.D. Ote.
334
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:27,670
Dr. Idiot.
335
00:13:27,700 --> 00:13:29,140
Yeah, I get it. I just never understood
336
00:13:29,170 --> 00:13:31,140
the whole love doctor thing, anyway.
337
00:13:31,170 --> 00:13:34,210
I guess I was just hoping that
with all the mistakes I've made,
338
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,510
at least I could help you guys find love.
339
00:13:36,540 --> 00:13:40,050
That I didn't go through
all that for no reason.
340
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:41,850
Yeah, but no one has the answers, you know?
341
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:45,020
It's love, it makes no sense. It's messy.
342
00:13:45,050 --> 00:13:47,490
There's no such thing as a love doctor.
343
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,060
You know what, Cece?
344
00:13:51,090 --> 00:13:53,730
Go on your trip. Go get over Schmidt.
345
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,330
Don't listen to me.
346
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:57,230
I'm gonna climb that mountain.
347
00:13:57,260 --> 00:13:59,170
Yeah, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.
348
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:00,800
But I'm not gonna do it for Schmidt,
349
00:14:00,830 --> 00:14:02,400
I'm gonna do it for me.
350
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:03,540
Good. Go.
351
00:14:03,570 --> 00:14:05,740
- I love you, girl.
- Love you, too.
352
00:14:09,610 --> 00:14:12,680
Hey, don't smile. Don't smile. Look sadder
353
00:14:12,710 --> 00:14:13,980
that you're buying underpants. Underpants
354
00:14:14,010 --> 00:14:15,150
make you very, very sad.
355
00:14:15,180 --> 00:14:17,080
Oh, I hate being here so much.
356
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:19,890
These underpants make me so uncomfortable.
357
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,690
That's perfect. There's that
fat boy improv training.
358
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,060
Now, next, I'm going to ask for
something with a little more
359
00:14:25,090 --> 00:14:26,990
coverage. You're gonna flip out,
say you can't take it anymore,
360
00:14:27,030 --> 00:14:28,330
and leave the store. Then tomorrow we
361
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:30,160
enter you into some kind of rehab facility.
362
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,530
When you get out we'll announce
that we're getting married.
363
00:14:32,570 --> 00:14:36,240
- Married? What? I don't...
- Shh. Yes. Shh. Yes, yes. Okay,
364
00:14:36,270 --> 00:14:39,370
so what I say is we build
on this momentum, okay?
365
00:14:39,410 --> 00:14:41,940
And we get married. I know
it's not the most romantic
366
00:14:41,980 --> 00:14:44,610
idea in the world, but we'd be happy.
367
00:14:44,650 --> 00:14:46,510
And then, we play our cards right,
368
00:14:46,550 --> 00:14:50,220
you and I are living in the
mayor's mansion by 2020.
369
00:14:50,250 --> 00:14:52,790
Fawn. Fawn.
370
00:14:52,820 --> 00:14:53,850
No.
371
00:14:53,890 --> 00:14:56,060
No? Oh, n-no to some of it?
372
00:14:56,090 --> 00:14:58,720
No to all of it. We can't get
married. I barely even know you.
373
00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,360
You... You know me.
374
00:15:00,390 --> 00:15:01,590
The real you, Fawn.
375
00:15:01,630 --> 00:15:02,800
This is the real me.
376
00:15:02,830 --> 00:15:06,570
I'm a politician, not in
The Vagina Monologues.
377
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,630
I mean, what do you want?
378
00:15:08,670 --> 00:15:10,540
I can get you anything you want.
379
00:15:10,570 --> 00:15:11,970
You'll be rich, I'll be powerful.
380
00:15:12,010 --> 00:15:14,410
I'm realizing...
381
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,910
just now that it's not what I want.
382
00:15:17,950 --> 00:15:19,950
I don't want any of that.
383
00:15:19,980 --> 00:15:22,950
I want to be in love.
384
00:15:22,980 --> 00:15:25,320
I want to be... I want to be crazy in love.
385
00:15:25,350 --> 00:15:27,750
Okay, well, certainly don't quote Beyoncé
386
00:15:27,790 --> 00:15:29,620
and then pretend like you just thought of it.
387
00:15:29,660 --> 00:15:31,060
Uh, uh, I want to be drunk in love.
388
00:15:31,090 --> 00:15:33,260
But that's also a Beyoncé lyric.
389
00:15:33,290 --> 00:15:35,560
Come on, Fawn.
390
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:37,960
You're not really in love with me.
391
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,170
I'm not really in love with-with you.
392
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:44,840
We just look great
together buying underpants.
393
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,240
Are you breaking up with me?
394
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:52,280
I guess I kind of am.
395
00:15:52,310 --> 00:15:54,680
Well, um...
396
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,080
I don't want this
397
00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:00,750
to come out the wrong way, but...
398
00:16:00,790 --> 00:16:03,120
does this mean I lose your vote?
399
00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:07,060
Never.
400
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:15,330
I just can't stand to be in here any longer!
401
00:16:15,370 --> 00:16:17,340
Surrounded...
402
00:16:17,370 --> 00:16:19,310
by these underpants!
403
00:16:19,340 --> 00:16:22,710
Red ones and yellow ones
and blue ones and pink ones!
404
00:16:22,740 --> 00:16:26,850
And this woman with her brassiere/teddy.
405
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:29,150
Underpants everywhere!
They're driving me nuts!
406
00:16:29,180 --> 00:16:31,450
I feel like I got
underpants all over my body!
407
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:34,150
Schmidt out. This is ridiculous.
408
00:16:34,190 --> 00:16:37,690
Enough is enough. Get out of here, paparazzi.
409
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:41,090
No, leave me... Get-get out of my way, sir.
410
00:16:52,256 --> 00:16:53,930
- I just want to say something.
- No.
411
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:54,837
And then I'll leave.
412
00:16:54,838 --> 00:16:57,560
Look, I'll never get involved in
your personal life ever again.
413
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,800
Okay? Because I have no
idea what I'm talking about.
414
00:16:59,830 --> 00:17:01,730
And I know that now.
415
00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:03,570
You could just... you could
just troll for basic bitches
416
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,870
at the juice bar, and I
will say, mm, nothing.
417
00:17:05,910 --> 00:17:09,040
Okay? So, look, I was wrong, and I'm sorry.
418
00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:11,710
I do love her.
419
00:17:12,850 --> 00:17:14,880
I'm crazy about her.
420
00:17:14,910 --> 00:17:16,650
Yes! I was right!
421
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,480
Love Doctor! I'm back.
422
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:21,690
Really? I thought it was
just a regular break-up.
423
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,390
But in all fairness, I hadn't
thought about it that hard.
424
00:17:24,420 --> 00:17:26,320
I mean, what do I do, man?
425
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,560
You know, it's like she's going to New York.
426
00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:30,530
- Yup.
- I can't go to New York with her. That's crazy.
427
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:33,400
You know? I like my sun on the
right and my ocean on the left.
428
00:17:33,430 --> 00:17:34,830
It's a rule of mine.
429
00:17:34,870 --> 00:17:36,600
Plus, I'd have to leave you guys.
430
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,740
Can't leave you guys, I mean,
431
00:17:38,770 --> 00:17:40,710
I finally have a home.
432
00:17:42,780 --> 00:17:47,610
All right, flash forward to the future.
433
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:50,550
40, 50 years.
434
00:17:50,580 --> 00:17:53,590
- You're married. Kids, grandkids.
- Mm-hmm.
435
00:17:53,620 --> 00:17:55,420
- I'm long dead.
- Naturally.
436
00:17:55,450 --> 00:17:56,190
Of course.
437
00:17:56,220 --> 00:17:57,590
And you look over
438
00:17:57,620 --> 00:17:58,860
to the woman sitting next to you.
439
00:17:58,890 --> 00:18:00,530
And she's gray.
440
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,190
- She's old.
- She has that, like, grandma smell.
441
00:18:03,230 --> 00:18:05,860
- You have a grandpa smell, but you got...
- Grandmas always smell like...
442
00:18:05,900 --> 00:18:07,470
like right when you open a cupboard.
443
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:09,800
- Yeah, she has that smell, but...
- Mm-hmm.
444
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:10,940
You love her.
445
00:18:10,970 --> 00:18:13,200
Be honest with yourself.
446
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,610
- Is that fat old lady sitting beside you...
- Mm...
447
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:17,910
Honestly, right now, in my
head, I'm just picturing, like,
448
00:18:17,940 --> 00:18:19,810
a beanbag chair with a wig on it.
449
00:18:19,850 --> 00:18:22,480
- Okay. We have gone too much into the description.
- Okay.
450
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:25,680
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Is that May?
451
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:29,520
I think so.
452
00:18:31,490 --> 00:18:33,220
Well, that's big.
453
00:18:33,260 --> 00:18:34,990
Let's go get her.
454
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:37,630
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
455
00:18:37,660 --> 00:18:39,630
- Whoo-hoo!
- Let's go get May. - Yeah.
456
00:18:39,670 --> 00:18:42,500
Hey, Jess, she texted me
back! The blank bubble worked!
457
00:18:42,540 --> 00:18:45,400
Guys?
458
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,670
Have you seen my white friends?
459
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:49,610
In 40 years, when we're old and
460
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:52,180
- Do it.
- A mess of fat,
461
00:18:52,210 --> 00:18:55,280
loose skin hanging, I have boobs,
462
00:18:55,310 --> 00:18:56,280
and you've got hair
463
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:57,920
on your face...
464
00:18:57,950 --> 00:18:59,420
Holding my rock sack while
I'm sitting on the toilet
465
00:18:59,450 --> 00:19:00,820
so it doesn't fall in the water.
466
00:19:00,850 --> 00:19:02,750
What are you saying?
467
00:19:02,790 --> 00:19:06,460
I'm saying, as you get older,
your testicles lengthen.
468
00:19:06,490 --> 00:19:08,630
No, what I'm saying is I love you.
469
00:19:08,660 --> 00:19:10,330
- Oh.
- And that I would be
470
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:13,430
a fool if I let you leave to New York
471
00:19:13,470 --> 00:19:14,900
without even fighting for us.
472
00:19:19,570 --> 00:19:21,540
Ernie...
473
00:19:21,570 --> 00:19:23,940
I love you, too,
474
00:19:23,980 --> 00:19:28,710
but I... I can't stay here.
475
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:30,550
I don't want you to stay here.
476
00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:33,690
Um... look, I know we haven't
been dating that long,
477
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,690
and, um, this might seem
crazy, but I was won...
478
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:40,390
- Will you move to New York with me?
- Yes! That! That's what I...
479
00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:42,190
- Yes?!
- Yeah, that's what I wanted to do, yeah.
480
00:19:42,230 --> 00:19:43,900
Right. So, we're moving to New York?
481
00:19:43,930 --> 00:19:45,900
- We're moving to New York.
- We're moving to New York.
482
00:19:45,930 --> 00:19:47,700
- Jersey City.
- What?
483
00:19:47,730 --> 00:19:49,730
- Jersey City!
- Jersey... I don't...
484
00:19:53,740 --> 00:19:55,040
Well, this is all you, Jess.
485
00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:56,710
Come on. This is all you.
486
00:19:56,740 --> 00:19:59,910
I mean it. If Coach were hanging out with me,
487
00:19:59,950 --> 00:20:02,510
we'd be beating up a priest right now.
488
00:20:02,550 --> 00:20:04,420
You had a lot to do with this, too.
489
00:20:04,450 --> 00:20:06,920
No, really. All that stuff about
490
00:20:06,950 --> 00:20:09,320
"Who do you see yourself next to?"
491
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:10,860
That's-that's really good.
492
00:20:10,890 --> 00:20:13,690
Do you do that?
493
00:20:13,730 --> 00:20:17,030
Who-who do you see yourself next to?
494
00:20:17,060 --> 00:20:20,030
Winston mostly.
495
00:20:20,070 --> 00:20:23,100
Ah. Yeah, me, too, actually.
496
00:20:24,570 --> 00:20:26,000
I just see a really old Winston.
497
00:20:27,470 --> 00:20:29,370
Eating handfuls of birdseed out of the bag.
498
00:20:29,410 --> 00:20:31,380
He gets really into birds.
499
00:20:31,410 --> 00:20:33,510
Hey!
500
00:20:33,550 --> 00:20:35,650
Play some music! Play some music!
501
00:20:51,552 --> 00:20:52,989
I'm sorry about Fawn.
502
00:20:52,990 --> 00:20:53,832
Yeah. Sorry buddy.
503
00:20:53,833 --> 00:20:55,018
Yeah, you guys were good together.
504
00:20:55,019 --> 00:20:56,409
She was fine.
505
00:20:56,410 --> 00:20:58,089
Okay, that's enough. I know
you guys didn't like her.
506
00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,592
- Hated her guts.
- So much...
507
00:20:59,593 --> 00:21:01,634
Wait. What are we watching right now?
508
00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:02,994
That girl just *** her boobs out
509
00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:04,729
Nick, why are you watching smut?
510
00:21:04,730 --> 00:21:06,789
It was right there in the DVD player.
I don't wanna get up and get it.
511
00:21:06,790 --> 00:21:07,696
***
512
00:21:07,697 --> 00:21:09,625
Who leaves porn on the DVD player.
513
00:21:09,626 --> 00:21:11,189
I don't think we'll use
it ***. Might as well just
514
00:21:11,190 --> 00:21:13,614
- leave it in.
- I'm sleeping on the couch. Fergusson and I are fighting.
515
00:21:13,615 --> 00:21:15,919
- ***
- It's a good story. Let's just watch and sees what happen.
516
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:17,509
What are you smiling at?
517
00:21:18,581 --> 00:21:19,445
Nothing.
518
00:21:20,384 --> 00:21:21,578
For crying out loud.
519
00:21:21,579 --> 00:21:24,019
***
520
00:21:24,020 --> 00:21:26,783
- Jess. I have to see how the story ends.
- There isn't any plot.
521
00:21:26,784 --> 00:21:35,717
***
522
00:21:35,744 --> 00:21:41,898
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