Now, I-I've seen a few 1943 Jeeps over the years,
but a '42 is pretty rare,
-isn't it? -Yeah.
Rarer than a fiscally responsible Democrat.
(chuckles) I can't believe we get to restore this.
I don't want you wiping the dirt off.
That dirt could be from Normandy.
That's D-Day dirt.
I for one am glad there was an old guy out there
with a ton of money willing to pay for this restoration.
-Oh, this is gonna be fun. -Yeah.
Just remember, when we get this finished,
I'm the first guy that gets to shoot the machine gun.
Having served in a war, Baxter, shooting a machine gun
-isn't my idea of fun. -No?
Now, a rocket launcher, that'll put some lead in your pencil.
Bad news, boys.
The restoration is off.
What do you mean the restoration's off?
I saw Arnold yesterday-- he was over the moon over this thing.
No, it's Albert. That was yesterday.
Sadly enough, things have changed.
If it's about money, let me at him.
I can persuade anybody to do anything.
He's dead, Baxter.
He passed away last night, Mikey.
CHUCK: That's gonna make it
a bit of a challenge to persuade him.
Not so fast.
What funeral home?
♪
(groans softly) Hey.
Everything okay?
My old guy died.
Oh, God. Ed?
No, no, no.
Ed's still doing one-armed push-ups in the parking lot.
No, I'm talking about Arnold-- uh... Albert...
"A," it's got an "A," "A."
Arn... Andy, Andy...
Ar... I think it's an "A."
I'm not getting the sense that you guys were really that close.
Anyway, it was the guy that I was gonna restore that...
Jeep with the 50-caliber machine gun in it.
That killed more Nazis than Indiana Jones.
Well, you know what, I'm sorry, Mike.
I know how long it took you
-to find that Jeep. -No, honey,
I was really looking forward
to restoring that Jeep,
and then the guy goes and dies.
Why does this always have to happen to me?
Yep, the universe obviously hates you,
said his beautiful wife in his lovely home.
Yeah.
What are we having for dinner?
Lobster. Oh, wait. You know what?
Tell me again how crappy your life is.
You know, they call the Jeep the "Savior of World War II."
Man, if it was a character in a movie,
it would be played by Tom Hanks.
You know, I don't understand this Arthur or Albert...
He's at the end of his life,
and the one thing he wants is some old Jeep?
It's not "some old Jeep."
It's a GPW.
Government-issued, and it worked.
That's the last time that has ever happened.
I know, but what's the point?
I mean, he could have used that money
to do some good in the world.
Or he could make himself happy. That's what guys do.
When I'm 90, I'm gonna buy that Trans Am
from Smokey and the Bandit.
And that cool hat.
Well, you knock yourself out.
I will be in Spain.
And I don't think all guys are that frivolous with money.
Yeah, car guys are,
he said proudly.
Oh, yeah? Look at Joe.
I mean, his mother died
and left him quite a nice inheritance,
and he hasn't bought a bunch of cars.
That's right, he has that mom money.
Yeah, which he's saving.
I mean, he and I, we've talked a lot about it.
Is he still coming to the book club
of yours and pretending he can read?
We have actual conversations.
You know, it's when... when one person actually listens
to the other?
I'm listening. I heard everything you said.
-Okay. -You gave me a good idea.
I think Joe should buy that Jeep.
No, Mike, I just told you, he is not frivolous with his money.
Frivolous? It has a 50-caliber machine gun on it.
-(speaking quietly) -JEN: Hi.
-Hi. -Oh, hey. Oh, wow,
you already put Sarah to bed-- that was fast.
Well, most people make the mistake
of reading fun children's books before bed.
I read her an air conditioning manual.
She went out like that.
Wow, you're like a, uh, boring Mary Poppins.
Oh, and she said the cutest thing
right before she fell asleep.
She said, "Can you pull up my blankie?
I want to cover my butt."
I'm sorry.
She said what?
"Butt." I think it's short for "buttocks."
Um...
yeah, so, w-we don't use that word.
We say "bottom."
KYLE: Yeah, so, uh,
"B" is a gateway swear.
You know? First she says "B,"
then she says "B-head"
and then "B-f-face."
And before you know it, she's working at a tattoo parlor,
smoking non-filter cigarettes.
Where did Sarah even hear that word?
It wasn't me.
Okay. Just...
just please watch your language around her.
Yeah, Jen...
my father, he swore a lot.
Do you know where he is now?
Where?
No one knows!
He swore and then disappeared.
You wanted to see me?
Yeah. I'd like to take you to lunch.
We've never had lunch together.
You said you hate watching me chew.
What are you up to, Baxter?
I want you to buy the dead man's Jeep.
Why me?
'Cause you have the money, you have the space
to keep it after we finish restoring it,
and since we're restoring it here,
we won't have time to eat together.
Not that I could afford it,
but, I don't know, maybe you heard,
my boss, he's kind of a cheap bastard.
Whatever it is you're making, Joe, you're overpaid.
-You've got that inheritance from your mom. -I'm not touching that money.
What are you gonna do, wait till you get a little older?
News flash... (whistles)
That's my mom's money, and I don't feel right
-spending it on me, okay? -You love cars,
and this is a vehicle that kicked Hitler's ass.
-I don't know. -Come on.
Like, I bet your mom's looking right down at you right now,
right this minute, and she's going,
"Come on, you're a good boy, Joe.
Treat yourself."
Actually, she used to call me "Joey Bear."
Treat yourself...
Joey Bear.
-Let me think about it. -No, wait.
No, no, when has thinking ever got you anywhere?
This is time for action.
(whispering): You got to take action, action,
take action.
-Okay, let's do it! -Yeah!
-Yes! Great decision. -Yeah. All right.
And we're gonna do this right.
-Yeah. -I'll order all the best parts, right?
I'll bet you, General Patton, he's looking down at me
and saluting-- not me--
he's looking down at us right now and...
Look, since it's my Jeep, I get to call the shots.
Right. Let's just pretend that's the case.
First to go, the machine gun.
Uh-huh. In all the excitement of the moment,
I swear I heard you say the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Machine gun's got to go.
And let's get some oversized tires.
Oversized tires?
Make it like a off-road vehicle, you know?
It's a Jeep!
It is an off-road vehicle.
They didn't win World War II in a strip mall.
I want some paint that really pops.
Maybe, like, school bus yellow, you know?
Have you lost what's left of your mind?
Look, I'm sure I'll have more ideas as we go along,
but this is enough to get started.
You know, this is a classic vehicle.
You can't desecrate something like this.
I can do whatever I want, okay?
I bought it, and we shook on it!
Yeah? Yeah?
Your mom just said, "Don't screw this up, Joey Bear."
What kind of a madman would take a 50-caliber machine gun
off of a Jeep?
I don't know what to tell you, Mike.
I just came in here to get some paper towels.
It's a piece of American history.
It doesn't need modifications.
(scoffs): I mean, you're not gonna give the Mona Lisa
a boob job, are you?
Well, you might.
I mean, you do have a type.
He wants to paint flames on the side of the Jeep.
All right. Well, sounds like fun.
I'm not gonna let that nincompoop
destroy an American classic, you know?
I'm just gonna buy the Jeep myself.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where do you think you're gonna keep it?
(chuckles) In the driveway.
Okay, uh, you know what, I-I just,
I have two problems with that.
-Yeah? -(chuckles): Um, one...
-I don't want a machine gun in the driveway. -Okay.
And two, I don't want a machine gun in the driveway!
They won't check the meter as often.
All right, you want the Jeep?
Okay, you can keep it in here and just, uh, sell your truck.
I'm not selling the truck. I can't. I-It's my truck.
Well, then, no Jeep.
Look, besides, Joe might not even sell it.
It sounds like he's having a lot of fun.
I don't get it.
He usually has such respect for the classics.
He won't even work on a car from the '60s
with a wrench from the '80s.
You know, when somebody acts out of character like that,
it could be... could be kind of a cry for help.
(chuckles): Why doesn't he cry like the rest of us--
alone in the shower.
You know I can hear you.
Maybe Joe is going through something.
Look, one thing I know about being in book club with him
is that... that he is a very sensitive, emotional man.
Mm-hmm, who chews with his mouth open.
-(grunting) -You know what?
I... I'm gonna have a talk with him, okay? I will.
And maybe I can help him get in touch with...
whatever it is he's going through.
Yeah, that's what I was gonna do, but you go ahead first,
you know, and no takebacks.
Anyway, you may want to keep an eye on Jen
when she's babysitting.
She may be using some words you don't want Evelyn to hear.
Yeah, she's like a sailor.
Just, you know, without the tattoos
or bell-bottoms or...
love of spinach.
Wow. Well, uh, thanks for the heads-up.
You have to be so vigilant raising kids these days.
It's really a pain in the butt.
You don't happen to use that word in front of Sarah,
do you?
What, "butt"? I-I don't know, probably.
-Oh, God. -All right.
Apparently we need to apologize to Jen,
because we accused the wrong potty mouth.
You're upset about the word "butt"?
Oh! Okay, she said it again.
It's like we're in a Scorsese movie.
Guys, what's going on?
Uh, well, Kyle is upset 'cause I may have said "butt"
in front of Sarah.
Yeah, you're darn tootin'.
Great. Great, now I'm swearing.
Okay, look, we're just very sensitive
to Sarah being exposed to that word.
Come on, it's part of the body.
I mean, let's not let society make us ashamed
of our own biology, man.
You know? Let... let butts be butts.
Okay, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
BOTH: Whoa.
Okay, we-we don't use the S-word here.
"Stupid"?
I hope you don't say that word in front of Evelyn.
We don't like to use negative labels that might inhibit
our child's intellectual growth.
(laughs) That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Yeah, come on, man. Let stupid be stupid.
Okay, you know what? Maybe let's just watch a movie.
Uh, how about that Steve Carell movie
-Crazy, Stupid, Love? -Yeah.
-Or you know what? We could watch The Butt-erfly Effect. -(chuckles)
Oh, yeah, I like that movie.
(whispers indistinctly)
Oh, I see what you did.
-Hey. -Oh, hey.
So I just had a long conversation with Joe
after book club.
Well, you probably need this more than me.
I don't, uh, I don't have an appetite right now.
Great.
So, what'd you find out?
He thinks he killed his mother.
Killed his mom?
I should've noticed that, he's got that Norman Bates look
-about him. -No, Mike.
I don't want this. Here.
He didn't kill his mom. Come on.
You remember the story. She got really ill, right?
He put her in the hospital and she passed away.
Yeah, well, the problem is she hated hospitals
and she begged him not to let them admit her,
but Joe sided with the doctors.
But that was the right thing to do.
I mean, he's guilty of a lot of stuff-- eating the first donut,
the last donut, the one in the middle--
-but Joe had nothing to do with the passing of his mom. -I...
I know that, you know that, but Joe has been blaming himself
ever since it happened.
Well, did you talk to him?
-No. -Did you slap him and just say, "Hey, snap out of it"?
(stammers)
I didn't know what to say.
No, he was going on and on about his guilt.
And I-I tried to relate, but you know
I only feel guilty about one thing.
Oh, please not the story about the newspaper.
-Please. -It was 1984.
Feels like yesterday.
I put a quarter in the vending machine,
I opened the door, and suddenly, I...
I thought to myself...
"Hey, why not take two newspapers?"
"Why not take two newspapers?"
You know,
the newspaper ink was easy to wash off,
but I could never wash away the guilt.
Take it easy on yourself.
You were doing the best you could to survive
those mean streets of Greenwich, Connecticut.
Oh, stop it.
Please tell me you didn't use this story
-to try to cheer Joe up. -No.
Of course not. No.
No, he was hurting, Mike.
I-- Really, it's so sad.
What? Please don't say that.
What? Why?
Because...
Joe fills a specific role in my life.
I don't want to know that that doofus is sad.
Honey, he could really use a friend right now.
Well, I could really use a friend right now.
Uh, maybe a friend that would allow me to have
-a machine gun in the driveway. -Oh, okay.
Talk to him. Talk to him.
-He needs you. -You know who used to need me,
was this Bundt cake.
-Does it need me? -Well, I'll take it.
Why don't you get another slice?
Take two, like the newspaper?
Okay, so Jen is reading The New England Journal
of Medicine to the girls, so I think we've got some time.
We have to come to an agreement about what words
we're gonna say around the girls.
Agreed. Uh, babe, did you bring our list?
Yeah. Okay. (clears throat)
All right, item number one is "butt"
will now be referred to as now "bottom."
Agreed.
Reluctantly.
And, uh, other body parts, we have, uh, "willie"
and "downstairs."
Uh, boys have a willie, girls have a downstairs.
Are you kidd-- wh-- "Downstairs"?
Y-Yeah, it's polite and location-correct.
-Oh, my... -Okay, yeah, it's fine.
We will give you "willie" and "downstairs,"
but in return, we don't want Evelyn to hear
"stupid" or "bad."
How do you not say "bad"?
What are they, The-The Good News Bears?
Well, instead, Kristin and I like to say,
"Your behavior is concerning," and "How do we address this
in a more positive way?"
She's a child, not a lawyer.
We tell Evelyn she can be whatever she wants to be.
We say the same thing to Sarah.
Oh, well, I hope she's not becoming a doctor.
"We got your results back, Mr. Jones.
-You have a willie infection." -Oh...
Hey.
(speaking Cantonese)
Yeah, I know what you're saying, Jen,
but explain it to the others.
I said that you guys are great parents
and this conversation shows how much you care
about your children.
Eh, that's not what it sounded like.
The words aren't the problem.
It's how you say them.
(sighs): Ay, ay, ay.
I'm sorry. I-I guess I just got carried away
'cause it's our first kid.
Maybe we should all just be a little more sensitive, okay?
Anyone else need a glass of wine?
I think we have a case of pinot downstairs.
BOTH: Whoa!
Basement. Base-- I mean basement. We...
We just learned these.
What you up to, Joe?
Oh, just pulling this carb off.
That rebuild kit you ordered just came in.
Ah. Need any help?
"Need any help"?
Usually you say, "Move over, jackass."
I am fluent in several languages, Joe.
You know, when I was driving over here, uh,
I was thinking about that, uh, '53 Corvette
that that buddy of Ed's brought by to get an estimate.
-And I was just thinking about Donuts. -Huh.
That-that's my new cat.
Do you remember that, uh, Corvette owner's reaction
when we told him the repair included
rebuilding his entire engine?
Oh, yeah. He had the same reaction a guy has
when you tell him his wife is ugly.
I'll take your word for that.
The guy was pissed, though. Remember?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Drove off calling us a bunch of idiots.
Well, maybe we were idiots, but a week later, what happened?
His engine blew up.
What a dope.
You know, I remember how cute he looked
climbing that cat tower. Ah...
I don't, I don't, I don't think the Corvette owner
was climbing a cat tower.
No, my cat Donuts.
Oh.
The way your mind wanders,
it's surprising you get anywhere.
The point I'm making is that the...
the Corvette owner's car was sick,
you know, and he didn't want to take it someplace
that, you know, might have fixed it.
You know, I think I'm gonna work on my Jeep alone.
-I want to talk about this. -Fine.
What if the Corvette didn't want to go someplace?
What if it just wanted to be left alone?
Well, that's what happened, right?
And then the engine blew up.
Yeah, but what if the guy who brought it in
didn't want to go and it blew up anyway?
What's the difference?
The difference is you did your best.
You took care of your mom, you did what you thought was right.
My mom?
I thought we were talking about a Corvette.
You bastard.
You know, it's weird with her gone,
I mean, every night I'd make her a martini
and she'd talk about the "pretty Walter Cronkite."
Well, in the right light... (whistles)
...he was a looker.
Not the newsman. That was o-one of my cats.
I spent two years
pretending like I didn't miss my dad after he passed away.
It's a waste of time.
-You know, I, uh, I miss her, Mike. You know? -Yeah.
Well, that's because you were a good son, Joey Bear.
-Thanks for saying that. -Yeah.
Um... we don't have to hug or anything, right?
No, I don't...
Actually, you got a little time to, uh, help me with something?
Sure, unless it's putting a calliope on the back of this.
No, I'm thinking of putting that .50 caliber back on.
Seriously?
Yeah. You know, this Jeep was in its prime
about the same time as my mom.
Who also carried a weapon daily.
Exactly.
I want to remember Mom at her best,
and I think this Jeep deserves the same respect.
Well, I think you can stop your mind from wandering, Joe.
You found a home.
So you want to help?
Move over, jackass.
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
One of my favorite philosophers, Charlie Brown,
said it best, "Good grief."
Because as lousy as it feels, grief is good.
It means you loved somebody.
And even if the rest of us can't figure out why,
they loved you, too.
If somebody in your family passed away
and you didn't feel anything, that would be sad.
They say two things in life are inevitable, death and taxes.
One of those, of course, deprives you of something
you love, cherish and need, the other one is death.
But let's face it, we're all heading to the celestial shore.
Well, not all of us.
If you drive 55 in the passing lane
you're headed to eternal damnation.
Move over!
(imitates horn honk)
But once we cast off into the great beyond,
how do we want the people we leave behind to feel?
Hmm.
Well, we don't want them dancing in the street.
Okay? We all know that.
So when you're grieving the loss of a loved one,
you know what they'd want from you?
They'd want you to be the kind of person
that people will miss as much as you miss them. Baxter out.
Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
(chicken clucks)