1
00:00:03,416 --> 00:00:06,359
Hey, there's more chamomile tea
if you want some.
2
00:00:06,511 --> 00:00:08,253
Uh, actually I moved to beer.
3
00:00:08,271 --> 00:00:10,363
But I-I'll compromise with you--
I can drink it hot.
4
00:00:11,849 --> 00:00:14,350
-Have you got a-a text
or anything from Eve?
-Well, uh, yeah.
5
00:00:14,444 --> 00:00:16,277
-The good news is she's close.
-Good.
6
00:00:16,429 --> 00:00:19,781
The bad news is she has to be
back on the base on Saturday.
7
00:00:19,875 --> 00:00:21,449
What?
You know what,
8
00:00:21,601 --> 00:00:23,043
we could just write
the Air Force a note,
9
00:00:23,270 --> 00:00:25,194
like we did when
she was in high school.
10
00:00:25,288 --> 00:00:26,954
I know, it's so unfair.
11
00:00:27,049 --> 00:00:28,882
We haven't seen her
since forever.
12
00:00:29,033 --> 00:00:30,775
And at first it was
gonna be five days
13
00:00:30,794 --> 00:00:32,034
and then it was four, and now
14
00:00:32,054 --> 00:00:33,444
we-we've lost one of those.
15
00:00:33,463 --> 00:00:35,613
Well, I guess we're just
gonna do more with less.
16
00:00:35,632 --> 00:00:39,133
And by that, I mean more
of my stuff and less of yours.
17
00:00:39,286 --> 00:00:41,227
Oh, I just want to hold her.
18
00:00:41,454 --> 00:00:45,123
You know, I've done the math,
and she owes me 235 hugs
19
00:00:45,141 --> 00:00:47,400
and four "I love yous."
20
00:00:47,552 --> 00:00:50,219
-'Cause, you know, she
gives those less often, so...
-Yeah.
21
00:00:50,238 --> 00:00:52,054
I actually have to ask her
to stop saying it.
22
00:00:52,074 --> 00:00:54,482
It gets so embarrassing.
23
00:00:54,634 --> 00:00:58,244
Look, don't think you're gonna
keep her all to yourself.
24
00:00:58,396 --> 00:00:59,821
We all want to spend
time with her,
25
00:00:59,915 --> 00:01:01,397
including her two nieces.
26
00:01:01,533 --> 00:01:02,415
They're toddlers.
27
00:01:02,642 --> 00:01:03,917
Kids don't really
get interesting
28
00:01:04,144 --> 00:01:05,326
till they're
around seven years old.
29
00:01:05,420 --> 00:01:08,546
And then you become fascinating.
30
00:01:09,999 --> 00:01:11,999
Yeah, you're riveting.
31
00:01:12,152 --> 00:01:14,743
Just relax. Plenty of time
to spend with the girls.
32
00:01:14,763 --> 00:01:15,929
I'm a grown man.
33
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:17,597
I know how to share.
34
00:01:17,748 --> 00:01:20,325
At ease, civilians.
35
00:01:20,343 --> 00:01:23,019
Oh! Hey!
36
00:01:24,106 --> 00:01:26,180
-Hey, old man.
-Hey. How are you?
37
00:01:26,333 --> 00:01:27,999
-Out of the way,
get out of the way!
-Ah, hey!
38
00:01:28,092 --> 00:01:30,017
Oh, God!
Oh, my God.
39
00:01:30,170 --> 00:01:33,095
Wow, it's gonna be
a long weekend, isn't it?
40
00:01:33,189 --> 00:01:34,948
Yeah, by the time you're done
41
00:01:35,099 --> 00:01:37,842
-you're gonna be a panini.
-Okay, I just...
42
00:01:37,861 --> 00:01:40,245
♪ ♪
43
00:01:44,851 --> 00:01:46,033
(sighs)
44
00:01:46,128 --> 00:01:48,628
-Ooh, good morning!
-Ugh...
45
00:01:48,855 --> 00:01:51,780
Oh, and another Mom hug.
46
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:53,133
How many are we up to now?
47
00:01:53,284 --> 00:01:54,968
Well, it doesn't matter,
because I am just gonna
48
00:01:55,195 --> 00:01:56,970
-keep raising the limit.
-Okay.
49
00:01:57,121 --> 00:01:58,913
So what's for chow?
50
00:01:59,065 --> 00:02:00,698
That's military for food.
51
00:02:00,717 --> 00:02:02,124
I know, but you can't keep
52
00:02:02,218 --> 00:02:04,535
giving away
military secrets like that.
53
00:02:04,554 --> 00:02:08,797
Well, since it's been forever
since I made an Eve breakfast,
54
00:02:08,817 --> 00:02:11,709
we made your...
55
00:02:11,802 --> 00:02:13,227
(sing-songy):
favorite.
56
00:02:13,321 --> 00:02:15,563
-Chicken on a ladder?
-That's right.
57
00:02:15,715 --> 00:02:16,881
Two eggs on a ladder
58
00:02:16,900 --> 00:02:18,158
-made of sausage
and bacon strips.
-EVE: Yes!
59
00:02:18,385 --> 00:02:20,535
I call it
the Stairway to Heaven.
60
00:02:21,738 --> 00:02:24,146
-Is she... Eve!
-Hey!
61
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,908
-(speaking gibberish)
-Oh, oh, you, too.
62
00:02:27,060 --> 00:02:30,152
Haven't you guys
ever heard of a handshake?
63
00:02:30,172 --> 00:02:32,230
Can you stay for breakfast?
64
00:02:32,248 --> 00:02:35,508
Uh, no, I would love to,
but some of us have to work.
65
00:02:35,660 --> 00:02:38,827
Well, just call your boss
and tell him that you're sick.
66
00:02:38,922 --> 00:02:41,163
Wait a minute...
67
00:02:41,183 --> 00:02:43,424
Oh, no, I just came by
to give her a hug.
68
00:02:43,518 --> 00:02:46,077
We will see you at 2:00,
uh, it's the perfect time.
69
00:02:46,095 --> 00:02:48,579
'Cause it's post-nap, pre-poop.
70
00:02:48,598 --> 00:02:50,248
Great.
71
00:02:50,266 --> 00:02:52,600
-(squeals)
-Okay, can't wait.
72
00:02:52,752 --> 00:02:54,194
I will see you then.
73
00:02:54,421 --> 00:02:57,179
Dad, you have
to get me out of this.
74
00:02:57,273 --> 00:02:59,257
No, no, he's not
gonna get you out of this.
75
00:02:59,350 --> 00:03:01,275
Come on, you should
want to see your nieces.
76
00:03:01,428 --> 00:03:04,704
I do. You can just
have them over, turn on the TV,
77
00:03:04,855 --> 00:03:06,113
and I'll look at them.
78
00:03:06,266 --> 00:03:07,598
MIKE:
No, no, no...
79
00:03:07,617 --> 00:03:09,617
Come on, they're family,
you got to get to know them,
80
00:03:09,769 --> 00:03:10,877
-bond with them.
After that crap's over,
-(Eve sighs)
81
00:03:11,104 --> 00:03:12,545
then we can do something fun.
82
00:03:12,731 --> 00:03:14,622
All right.
83
00:03:14,774 --> 00:03:16,274
Fine.
84
00:03:16,367 --> 00:03:18,793
But now that they're
old enough to know what's cool,
85
00:03:18,887 --> 00:03:20,628
I got to say, I feel bad
86
00:03:20,764 --> 00:03:22,463
-for Mandy and Kristin.
-Why?
87
00:03:22,615 --> 00:03:25,391
Because they're
your garden-variety moms.
88
00:03:25,543 --> 00:03:28,061
I fly jets, okay?
I'm a bona fide superhero.
89
00:03:28,288 --> 00:03:30,455
They-they can't compete
with that.
90
00:03:30,473 --> 00:03:33,140
You're sounding
a little full of yourself.
91
00:03:33,293 --> 00:03:34,734
No, no, no, I know
where she's coming from.
92
00:03:34,885 --> 00:03:35,960
I've spent my whole life,
you know,
93
00:03:36,053 --> 00:03:38,312
being... riveting.
94
00:03:38,465 --> 00:03:39,313
Ah.
95
00:03:39,407 --> 00:03:41,966
Right.
It's-it's actually a burden.
96
00:03:41,985 --> 00:03:43,651
Tell me about it.
97
00:03:43,803 --> 00:03:46,153
I got to tamp down
the Mike Baxter wattage
98
00:03:46,306 --> 00:03:48,731
-every time I leave the house.
-Yeah.
99
00:03:48,750 --> 00:03:52,001
I got to tamp down my breakfast.
100
00:03:52,921 --> 00:03:54,996
-Spoken like a "normy."
-Yeah.
101
00:03:55,148 --> 00:03:56,756
Well, I guess
you're just gonna have
102
00:03:56,983 --> 00:03:58,424
to take your awesomeness
down a notch
103
00:03:58,651 --> 00:04:01,243
and... pretend you're me.
(chuckles)
104
00:04:01,337 --> 00:04:04,322
I think she's being
a little sarcastic.
105
00:04:04,340 --> 00:04:07,183
But it's actually good advice.
106
00:04:10,939 --> 00:04:12,997
-Hey!
-Oh!
107
00:04:13,090 --> 00:04:15,424
Get a load of Kyle.
108
00:04:15,518 --> 00:04:16,834
Looking very dapper.
109
00:04:16,853 --> 00:04:18,836
Who died?
110
00:04:18,855 --> 00:04:20,095
Oh, nobody.
111
00:04:20,115 --> 00:04:22,023
Well, I mean,
I'm sure somebody did.
112
00:04:22,175 --> 00:04:24,191
Just hopefully no one I know.
113
00:04:24,344 --> 00:04:27,436
Not that I wish misfortune
on strangers.
114
00:04:27,455 --> 00:04:29,789
Okay, man, I-I guess
what we're saying, Kyle,
115
00:04:30,016 --> 00:04:31,273
-is you-you-you look nice.
-Yeah.
116
00:04:31,367 --> 00:04:33,017
Oh, thanks.
I have a presentation
117
00:04:33,110 --> 00:04:35,019
in my homiletics class
this afternoon.
118
00:04:35,112 --> 00:04:37,130
Homi-what-ics?
119
00:04:37,357 --> 00:04:40,300
Homiletics. It's a-it's
a fancy name for preaching.
120
00:04:40,451 --> 00:04:42,802
-Yeah, it's
my toughest seminary class.
-CHUCK: Mm-hmm.
121
00:04:42,953 --> 00:04:45,029
Boy, you sure go through
a lot of trouble and expense
122
00:04:45,048 --> 00:04:46,364
to become a minister.
123
00:04:46,457 --> 00:04:48,808
Joe's right.
You should find some cheap,
124
00:04:48,959 --> 00:04:51,552
easy way to serve the Lord.
125
00:04:51,646 --> 00:04:53,629
Yeah.
126
00:04:53,648 --> 00:04:55,464
Wait, you're kidding, right?
127
00:04:55,558 --> 00:04:59,802
I am, but this is not
Joe's area of expertise.
128
00:04:59,821 --> 00:05:00,895
-Oh, yeah?
-CHUCK: Yeah.
129
00:05:00,989 --> 00:05:02,155
I've been a minister for years.
130
00:05:02,306 --> 00:05:04,231
I got a certificate
and everything.
131
00:05:04,384 --> 00:05:07,735
Where'd you get it,
out of a box of Goofy Flakes?
132
00:05:07,887 --> 00:05:09,495
I got it online.
133
00:05:09,722 --> 00:05:11,164
It cost 50 bucks.
134
00:05:11,315 --> 00:05:12,740
Well, that's what
they said it cost,
135
00:05:12,892 --> 00:05:14,725
but I lied on the application...
136
00:05:14,819 --> 00:05:17,244
got financial aid.
137
00:05:17,397 --> 00:05:19,655
Well, I guess
all that really matters
138
00:05:19,674 --> 00:05:23,234
is that you feel the calling
to spread God's message of love.
139
00:05:23,252 --> 00:05:26,829
Exactly, until that day
He calls the UFOs
140
00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:28,664
to return us to the sun.
141
00:05:28,683 --> 00:05:30,575
(vocalizes)
142
00:05:30,668 --> 00:05:32,259
Uh...
143
00:05:32,412 --> 00:05:34,595
that's not what I believe, Joe.
144
00:05:34,689 --> 00:05:36,839
That's 'cause you're still
learning the stuff.
145
00:05:36,933 --> 00:05:40,360
Remember,
I'm already a minister.
146
00:05:46,201 --> 00:05:48,201
Oh!
You're eating pie?
147
00:05:48,386 --> 00:05:50,761
We're gonna take Eve out
to dinner when she gets back.
148
00:05:50,813 --> 00:05:52,205
This is pre-eating.
149
00:05:52,356 --> 00:05:54,115
And fruit pie
really doesn't count.
150
00:05:54,267 --> 00:05:56,617
It's just like eating an apple.
151
00:05:56,711 --> 00:05:59,879
Well, look, uh, she spent the
afternoon with the little girls,
152
00:06:00,106 --> 00:06:01,363
so I guess
we're gonna have to cancel
153
00:06:01,383 --> 00:06:03,031
some of the plans
we have with her.
154
00:06:03,051 --> 00:06:06,034
Don't touch the "T.T.O.O.D.M."
155
00:06:06,054 --> 00:06:09,130
And W.H.A.T is that?
156
00:06:09,224 --> 00:06:11,557
"Throw Things Off
Outdoor Man."
157
00:06:11,784 --> 00:06:15,878
It also is the sound it makes
when the stuff hits the ground.
158
00:06:15,897 --> 00:06:19,732
Ta-doom!
Eve loves that-- ta-doom.
159
00:06:19,884 --> 00:06:22,384
Hey-hey, how'd it go?
160
00:06:22,478 --> 00:06:24,904
How much of your awesomeness
did you have to tamp down on?
161
00:06:25,073 --> 00:06:27,556
(sighs) None of it.
I-I was 100% Eve.
162
00:06:27,575 --> 00:06:30,785
Oh, come on, you're insane.
Did the girls, like, pass out?
163
00:06:31,988 --> 00:06:33,638
Well, tell us everything.
164
00:06:33,731 --> 00:06:35,973
Okay, um...
165
00:06:36,066 --> 00:06:38,233
my nieces hate my guts.
166
00:06:38,327 --> 00:06:40,253
You know,
I knew there was something
167
00:06:40,404 --> 00:06:43,131
about those two little ones
I didn't like.
168
00:06:49,489 --> 00:06:51,322
What do you mean,
your nieces hate you?
169
00:06:51,340 --> 00:06:52,840
Oh, they don't hate you.
That's the finger
170
00:06:52,992 --> 00:06:54,842
they use to point with.
171
00:06:54,994 --> 00:06:57,011
No, no, they-they do.
172
00:06:57,163 --> 00:06:58,754
I did all my best stuff.
173
00:06:58,773 --> 00:07:02,016
Uh, zombie impressions, the
finger-through-the-head trick,
174
00:07:02,168 --> 00:07:04,018
my best armpit farts, Dad.
175
00:07:04,170 --> 00:07:05,836
You stole my whole act?
176
00:07:05,855 --> 00:07:07,095
(sighs)
I just...
177
00:07:07,190 --> 00:07:08,614
I mean, I don't-I don't get it.
178
00:07:08,766 --> 00:07:09,932
When-when Boyd was their age,
179
00:07:10,026 --> 00:07:11,692
he thought I was
the coolest person in the world.
180
00:07:11,786 --> 00:07:14,120
That's because you and Boyd,
you like the same stuff.
181
00:07:14,271 --> 00:07:16,122
That Boyd could
flick a booger really far.
182
00:07:16,273 --> 00:07:18,182
Not as far as you.
I did measure one time
183
00:07:18,201 --> 00:07:20,960
we were doing that in the
backyard and you were like...
184
00:07:21,111 --> 00:07:23,129
Yeah, well, look,
Sarah and Evelyn are,
185
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:26,299
they're just into completely
different things, thank God.
186
00:07:26,450 --> 00:07:30,211
Well, I gave
the aunt thing a shot.
187
00:07:30,305 --> 00:07:32,454
So what are we gonna do?
188
00:07:32,548 --> 00:07:35,032
All this talk has given me
a craving to do something gross.
189
00:07:35,051 --> 00:07:36,309
Well, the simple solution
would be throw stuff
190
00:07:36,536 --> 00:07:37,885
off the roof of Outdoor Man.
191
00:07:37,979 --> 00:07:40,146
Oh, yes, that would be great.
Remember that sewing machine
192
00:07:40,297 --> 00:07:41,797
that Mandy didn't want anymore?
193
00:07:41,891 --> 00:07:43,557
Or the-the...
the one that we thought
194
00:07:43,710 --> 00:07:45,133
she didn't want anymore?
195
00:07:46,136 --> 00:07:48,395
That would be
the simple solution, I said,
196
00:07:48,490 --> 00:07:50,047
but the right solution
is to take another shot
197
00:07:50,066 --> 00:07:52,717
with your nieces.
You got to be a good aunt.
198
00:07:52,735 --> 00:07:54,309
Can't I just be the strange aunt
199
00:07:54,329 --> 00:07:56,812
they only see
at weddings and funerals?
200
00:07:57,648 --> 00:08:01,742
Oh, you know what, I should
give my sister April a call.
201
00:08:01,894 --> 00:08:03,911
You want to bond with children,
202
00:08:04,063 --> 00:08:05,913
you got to get into their world.
203
00:08:06,065 --> 00:08:07,489
I-I don't know what that means.
204
00:08:07,509 --> 00:08:09,066
Well, uh, no, it means
if you're gonna play with them,
205
00:08:09,085 --> 00:08:10,234
you have to adjust to them.
206
00:08:10,253 --> 00:08:11,827
They'll tell you what they like.
207
00:08:11,846 --> 00:08:13,921
Yep, over and over
and over again.
208
00:08:14,015 --> 00:08:16,423
Yeah, yeah, you-you just
let them take the lead.
209
00:08:16,518 --> 00:08:20,669
You might have to sacrifice,
uh, snots or farts
210
00:08:20,763 --> 00:08:22,021
or whatever, um,
211
00:08:22,248 --> 00:08:24,540
but there's other
fun stuff to do.
212
00:08:24,542 --> 00:08:27,251
But what if they
want to have a...
213
00:08:27,270 --> 00:08:28,602
tea party?
214
00:08:28,696 --> 00:08:31,864
Then you have a tea party.
You get out that little set,
215
00:08:32,016 --> 00:08:33,866
it's... put the little pinky up,
216
00:08:34,018 --> 00:08:36,369
hold the top
and you pour like this.
217
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,780
And get those little cups
and the favorite part is
218
00:08:39,874 --> 00:08:41,782
you got to...
don't, don't, it's hot!
219
00:08:41,934 --> 00:08:43,191
You got to blow it.
220
00:08:43,211 --> 00:08:44,901
It's really hot.
(speaks gibberish)
221
00:08:44,954 --> 00:08:46,604
These little cups,
they're so cute,
222
00:08:46,622 --> 00:08:48,714
'cause they got these little
tiny flowers on them,
223
00:08:48,866 --> 00:08:50,699
and the little,
the little tiny...
224
00:08:50,793 --> 00:08:52,885
so hot, it's...
225
00:08:53,054 --> 00:08:55,203
Who are you?
226
00:08:55,298 --> 00:08:58,373
Father to three daughters.
I've braided hair,
227
00:08:58,467 --> 00:09:00,634
I've had tea parties,
I know every word
228
00:09:00,787 --> 00:09:02,303
to "Under the Sea."
229
00:09:02,455 --> 00:09:05,122
I bet you were so happy
when I came along.
230
00:09:05,141 --> 00:09:06,882
What do you mean?
I love all my daughters.
231
00:09:06,901 --> 00:09:08,642
But, my God, yes.
232
00:09:08,795 --> 00:09:12,387
No, wait, but then, but then
I was the one who had to learn
233
00:09:12,481 --> 00:09:16,133
how to shoot arrows,
and put on war paint and...
234
00:09:16,152 --> 00:09:18,578
oh, gosh, I still
know every damn line
235
00:09:18,729 --> 00:09:20,971
of dialogue to Predator.
236
00:09:20,990 --> 00:09:22,656
Getting to know kids
237
00:09:22,809 --> 00:09:25,067
sometimes requires you
to get out of your comfort zone.
238
00:09:25,161 --> 00:09:26,919
But I like my comfort zone.
239
00:09:27,146 --> 00:09:29,922
-It's all... broken in.
-Evie, just...
240
00:09:30,149 --> 00:09:31,924
give it a try, okay?
They're having...
241
00:09:32,151 --> 00:09:33,834
they're having
a little princess party tonight.
242
00:09:33,986 --> 00:09:35,986
Why don't you go over there
243
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:38,097
and I guarantee
they're gonna love you.
244
00:09:38,282 --> 00:09:41,992
Okay. If you can
make it through Schwarzenegger
245
00:09:42,011 --> 00:09:44,829
and Dad can be Mrs. Doubtfire...
246
00:09:44,922 --> 00:09:46,922
I might as well.
247
00:09:46,941 --> 00:09:48,608
Excellent, milady.
248
00:09:48,759 --> 00:09:50,759
You'll enjoy yourself.
249
00:09:50,778 --> 00:09:52,778
(impersonating Schwarzenegger):
You, you get to the chopper!
250
00:09:53,005 --> 00:09:54,488
Go!
251
00:09:54,598 --> 00:09:56,532
To the chopper!
252
00:10:01,347 --> 00:10:04,206
Hey, how's that
Hooked on Phonics class going?
253
00:10:04,959 --> 00:10:07,126
Homiletics.
254
00:10:07,277 --> 00:10:08,535
It was rough.
255
00:10:08,704 --> 00:10:11,613
My professor says my preaching
needs to be more dynamic.
256
00:10:11,707 --> 00:10:14,616
He's right! You know, you got
to grab them from the get-go.
257
00:10:14,710 --> 00:10:17,119
You know what people
spark to right now?
258
00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:18,529
Atlantis.
259
00:10:18,547 --> 00:10:21,699
I don't think Denver
Theological Seminary wants me
260
00:10:21,717 --> 00:10:23,175
preaching about Atlantis.
261
00:10:23,402 --> 00:10:25,552
Well, try Bigfoot
or just make it up.
262
00:10:25,647 --> 00:10:27,054
What?
263
00:10:27,148 --> 00:10:29,798
No, I can't make it up,
I need to preach from the Bible.
264
00:10:29,892 --> 00:10:31,800
Uh, I'm pretty sure Atlantis
265
00:10:31,894 --> 00:10:34,636
is in the Bible.
266
00:10:34,656 --> 00:10:36,230
No, it isn't.
267
00:10:36,382 --> 00:10:38,157
Neither are spaceships
that go to the sun or Bigfoot.
268
00:10:38,384 --> 00:10:40,901
Which Bible
are you talking about?
269
00:10:41,053 --> 00:10:42,569
The Bible.
270
00:10:42,722 --> 00:10:45,665
The one that tells the story
of God's plan for humanity.
271
00:10:45,816 --> 00:10:47,333
You know, if you want
to make preaching easier,
272
00:10:47,484 --> 00:10:49,985
maybe you should start with
just making up what's in it.
273
00:10:50,004 --> 00:10:53,155
All right, this is the word of
God. If you don't believe that,
274
00:10:53,174 --> 00:10:54,748
then I don't know
what to tell you, Joe.
275
00:10:54,901 --> 00:10:56,676
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
276
00:10:56,827 --> 00:10:58,326
What the hell is going on here?
277
00:10:58,346 --> 00:11:01,405
I-I was just trying
to explain something to Joe.
278
00:11:01,424 --> 00:11:03,665
Look, I'm just helping the kid
with school. It's okay.
279
00:11:03,759 --> 00:11:05,926
What?
It's not okay. It's not.
280
00:11:06,020 --> 00:11:07,853
This is not church, Kyle.
281
00:11:08,005 --> 00:11:09,263
I don't want you
telling people here
282
00:11:09,415 --> 00:11:11,524
what they should
or shouldn't believe.
283
00:11:11,751 --> 00:11:13,267
You understand?
284
00:11:13,361 --> 00:11:14,676
Yes, sir.
285
00:11:14,696 --> 00:11:16,587
ED:
Mm.
286
00:11:16,605 --> 00:11:18,105
He's right.
287
00:11:18,257 --> 00:11:19,773
Forgive me, Joe.
288
00:11:19,867 --> 00:11:22,760
I'm just a man, Kyle.
I can't forgive.
289
00:11:22,853 --> 00:11:26,122
That's a job for the whales.
290
00:11:31,862 --> 00:11:33,287
Oh, hey.
291
00:11:33,381 --> 00:11:37,140
Uh, so, when Eve
gets back from Kristin's,
292
00:11:37,142 --> 00:11:38,459
we still have time
to do one more thing,
293
00:11:38,553 --> 00:11:42,296
and I vote for tapas
and a stroll through LoDo.
294
00:11:42,448 --> 00:11:46,133
I vote for billiards
and burgers at JB's Pub.
295
00:11:46,285 --> 00:11:48,227
-(door opens)
-Oh, hey.
296
00:11:52,124 --> 00:11:54,233
-Well.
-Whoa. (chuckles)
297
00:11:54,384 --> 00:11:57,719
You really went all-out.
Um, how did it go?
298
00:11:57,739 --> 00:11:59,129
It sucked.
299
00:11:59,148 --> 00:12:01,240
-Oh.
-What do you mean?
300
00:12:01,467 --> 00:12:04,243
I don't really want
to talk about it, Dad. Okay?
301
00:12:05,604 --> 00:12:09,540
I hope you're gonna
clean up all this glitter.
302
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,499
So, she still won't talk to me.
303
00:12:18,651 --> 00:12:20,651
-Mm-hmm.
-You know, I-I really hoped
304
00:12:20,669 --> 00:12:24,171
that the Air Force
would soften Eve, but...
305
00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:26,006
Well, the important thing
is that you tried,
306
00:12:26,158 --> 00:12:27,415
not that you failed.
307
00:12:27,435 --> 00:12:30,344
Uh, well, you know what?
Why don't you go up there.
308
00:12:30,496 --> 00:12:32,754
Because I don't know
what's going on.
309
00:12:32,774 --> 00:12:34,923
Oh, I don't know.
It just doesn't make any sense.
310
00:12:34,942 --> 00:12:36,333
-Yeah.
-I mean, how could our sweet,
311
00:12:36,352 --> 00:12:38,778
adorable granddaughters
hate Eve? I...
312
00:12:38,929 --> 00:12:41,672
Well, we know Eve,
but do we really know anything
313
00:12:41,690 --> 00:12:44,099
about those toddlers?
314
00:12:44,118 --> 00:12:45,951
-MANDY: Hello?
-We're in here.
315
00:12:46,178 --> 00:12:49,121
-Hey.
-Hi. Sorry, we left Nancy Bear.
316
00:12:49,273 --> 00:12:50,956
-Ah.
-Hey, did Eve tell you
317
00:12:51,183 --> 00:12:52,958
what a fantastic day
she had with the girls?
318
00:12:53,110 --> 00:12:55,019
Damn right she did,
but you can always hear
319
00:12:55,037 --> 00:12:56,520
a good story twice, right?
(chuckles)
320
00:12:56,539 --> 00:12:59,523
(chuckles) It was so cute.
She was adorable with them.
321
00:12:59,616 --> 00:13:02,784
She-she got down on the floor
and played and sang songs.
322
00:13:02,804 --> 00:13:04,862
She was like that Elmo we hired.
323
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,764
Except sober.
324
00:13:08,292 --> 00:13:11,626
-So, so, it went well?
-Oh, my God.
325
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,370
All I could hear were
those little girls laughing.
326
00:13:13,389 --> 00:13:15,130
-(chuckles): Like,
really, really laughing.
-VANESSA: Hmm.
327
00:13:15,149 --> 00:13:16,464
And they had a tea party.
328
00:13:16,484 --> 00:13:19,710
And Evelyn served the tea,
and Sarah made cake,
329
00:13:19,728 --> 00:13:22,062
and-and Eve made it really fun.
330
00:13:22,156 --> 00:13:23,638
Did she put her pinky
in the air? 'Cause that's...
331
00:13:23,658 --> 00:13:25,991
-That-that came from me.
-(Vanessa chuckles)
332
00:13:26,143 --> 00:13:29,161
Isn't he riveting?
(chuckles)
333
00:13:29,313 --> 00:13:31,831
Anyway, the girls
love their Auntie Eve.
334
00:13:31,982 --> 00:13:33,907
Even I'm starting to like her.
335
00:13:34,001 --> 00:13:36,743
-(chuckles) Bye.
-(laughs) See ya.
336
00:13:37,563 --> 00:13:40,564
I mean, do you think
Eve misread the whole thing?
337
00:13:40,583 --> 00:13:43,658
I mean, look, she's not that
great at picking up on feelings.
338
00:13:43,678 --> 00:13:46,011
No, she's good at picking on
other people that have feelings.
339
00:13:46,238 --> 00:13:48,347
Yeah. Right.
(chuckles)
340
00:13:50,334 --> 00:13:53,519
Hey, Mr. Alzate?
Can I have a minute?
341
00:13:54,838 --> 00:13:56,188
I wanted to apologize
342
00:13:56,415 --> 00:13:58,858
for arguing about religion
with a coworker.
343
00:13:59,009 --> 00:14:01,861
I have reported myself to me,
344
00:14:02,012 --> 00:14:04,938
and I will be dealt with.
345
00:14:05,032 --> 00:14:07,741
Good. Let's-let's sit down.
Sit down, s-son.
346
00:14:07,851 --> 00:14:09,426
(clears throat)
Uh, Chuck told me
347
00:14:09,519 --> 00:14:11,278
how this thing with Joe
got started.
348
00:14:11,430 --> 00:14:14,098
Now, you realize he was
just yanking your chain, right?
349
00:14:14,191 --> 00:14:16,100
-Yeah, of-of course.
-Yeah, you know.
350
00:14:16,118 --> 00:14:18,602
-No, I didn't.
-(laughs)
351
00:14:18,621 --> 00:14:20,212
Well, he was.
352
00:14:20,364 --> 00:14:22,381
Joe is like that.
You know, he's-he's an idiot,
353
00:14:22,532 --> 00:14:25,459
so-so don't let it bother you,
all right?
354
00:14:25,553 --> 00:14:28,462
It's not really what Joe said
that's bothering me. It...
355
00:14:28,614 --> 00:14:31,615
I'm really struggling
in my homiletics class.
356
00:14:31,708 --> 00:14:33,225
That's the study...
357
00:14:33,452 --> 00:14:35,302
Yeah, I-I know what it is.
So, what's the...
358
00:14:35,396 --> 00:14:37,545
what's the problem
with your preaching, son?
359
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:41,216
Well, my professor says
I'm not dynamic enough.
360
00:14:41,310 --> 00:14:43,127
I-I need to figure out some way
361
00:14:43,220 --> 00:14:46,797
to make people interested
in what I believe.
362
00:14:46,815 --> 00:14:49,650
Hold on there.
(groans)
363
00:14:49,802 --> 00:14:51,785
Hmm.
364
00:14:55,249 --> 00:14:58,751
When my old man passed away,
he left me two things:
365
00:14:58,978 --> 00:15:00,902
this Bible,
366
00:15:00,922 --> 00:15:02,922
all right,
367
00:15:03,149 --> 00:15:06,074
and a 1923 Echeverria pistol.
368
00:15:06,093 --> 00:15:07,985
Just let me say
that I spent more time
369
00:15:08,078 --> 00:15:09,929
learning about the pistol.
370
00:15:10,156 --> 00:15:12,431
I didn't know
your dad was religious.
371
00:15:12,582 --> 00:15:13,766
Yeah, he said he was.
372
00:15:13,917 --> 00:15:15,434
I mean, he spent a lot of time
reading this book.
373
00:15:15,661 --> 00:15:19,680
Yeah, but his whole life,
the S.O.B. never did one thing
374
00:15:19,774 --> 00:15:21,106
that made me want to read it.
375
00:15:21,258 --> 00:15:24,426
Yeah, you hear that kind
of thing a lot from people.
376
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:25,836
ED:
Mm.
377
00:15:25,854 --> 00:15:28,355
On the other hand...
378
00:15:28,449 --> 00:15:30,765
everything you do
379
00:15:30,785 --> 00:15:34,787
makes me wonder
what you see in this book.
380
00:15:35,014 --> 00:15:36,938
-It does?
-Mm.
381
00:15:37,032 --> 00:15:38,606
Yes, it does, Kyle.
382
00:15:38,626 --> 00:15:42,628
See, I don't know what
your homiletics professor wants,
383
00:15:42,855 --> 00:15:44,021
but from where I sit,
384
00:15:44,114 --> 00:15:47,466
you just being you
385
00:15:47,693 --> 00:15:50,761
is pretty dynamic to me.
386
00:15:51,639 --> 00:15:53,864
Thank you, sir.
387
00:15:53,957 --> 00:15:56,200
-That really helps.
-Good.
388
00:15:56,218 --> 00:15:59,627
Oh, just one thing.
(clears throat)
389
00:15:59,647 --> 00:16:00,980
And remember,
390
00:16:01,131 --> 00:16:04,817
"God helps those
who help themselves."
391
00:16:04,968 --> 00:16:07,978
That's actually
Benjamin Franklin.
392
00:16:08,805 --> 00:16:12,116
I know that.
Get out, Kyle.
393
00:16:16,722 --> 00:16:17,888
(knocks)
394
00:16:17,981 --> 00:16:21,333
Who wants to clean a shotgun?
395
00:16:21,485 --> 00:16:23,669
Go away, Dad.
396
00:16:23,820 --> 00:16:25,412
All right.
397
00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:26,913
I just said go away.
398
00:16:27,008 --> 00:16:28,990
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
I thought you said,
399
00:16:29,084 --> 00:16:31,593
"Please come in
'cause you paid for the house."
400
00:16:32,513 --> 00:16:33,737
(Eve sighs)
401
00:16:33,756 --> 00:16:36,240
I really don't feel
like talking about it.
402
00:16:36,258 --> 00:16:38,517
Uh, you don't feel like talking
403
00:16:38,668 --> 00:16:40,168
about the fact
that you actually had
404
00:16:40,187 --> 00:16:43,022
a great time with your nieces?
405
00:16:43,249 --> 00:16:45,691
(sighs)
Yeah, it was great.
406
00:16:45,842 --> 00:16:48,769
They're just so adorable,
407
00:16:48,921 --> 00:16:50,696
and I...
408
00:16:50,847 --> 00:16:53,032
-I love them.
-Hmm.
409
00:16:53,183 --> 00:16:55,592
How could I let this happen?
410
00:16:56,278 --> 00:16:58,353
Well, it isn't really the fact
that you let it happen.
411
00:16:58,447 --> 00:17:00,873
It actually happened to you.
412
00:17:01,024 --> 00:17:03,433
You should have seen us, Dad.
We were laughing
413
00:17:03,452 --> 00:17:07,437
and goofing around
and drinking imaginary tea.
414
00:17:08,123 --> 00:17:09,940
I love to do that with them,
but, you know,
415
00:17:09,958 --> 00:17:11,291
I sneak a little bourbon
in there.
416
00:17:11,385 --> 00:17:14,035
They don't know. And I,
you know, don't let them have it
417
00:17:14,055 --> 00:17:16,296
'cause I think
it's against the law.
418
00:17:16,448 --> 00:17:19,966
We spun around until
we got dizzy and fell down.
419
00:17:20,119 --> 00:17:22,728
I almost threw up.
420
00:17:22,879 --> 00:17:25,064
It was awesome.
421
00:17:25,291 --> 00:17:26,807
Did they give you
the greatest line ever?
422
00:17:26,901 --> 00:17:29,217
To me, there was,
"Grampy, get up.
423
00:17:29,311 --> 00:17:32,979
Are you sleeping, Grampy?
Get up. Get up."
424
00:17:33,132 --> 00:17:35,799
They called me "Auntie Eeb."
425
00:17:35,818 --> 00:17:37,892
How cute is that?
426
00:17:37,912 --> 00:17:39,912
They're adorable.
427
00:17:40,139 --> 00:17:41,972
That's how they get to you.
428
00:17:41,990 --> 00:17:43,415
You know?
And the next thing you know,
429
00:17:43,642 --> 00:17:45,492
you're wearing a necklace
made out of macaroni.
430
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:46,977
-(sighs)
-(chuckles)
431
00:17:47,070 --> 00:17:48,587
I mean,
and then you have to leave.
432
00:17:48,738 --> 00:17:50,405
That was the worst.
433
00:17:50,424 --> 00:17:52,740
I was trying to walk to the car
without crying my eyes out,
434
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,577
and I saw them at the door,
giggling and saying,
435
00:17:55,671 --> 00:17:59,264
"See ya later, abigator."
436
00:18:00,993 --> 00:18:03,327
Yeah, leaving is hard.
437
00:18:03,345 --> 00:18:06,271
Well, it wasn't for you.
I mean, you-you used to leave
438
00:18:06,423 --> 00:18:08,089
for Outdoor Man trips
all the time.
439
00:18:08,183 --> 00:18:10,925
Just say goodbye,
and that's it. See ya.
440
00:18:11,019 --> 00:18:14,279
I mean, I want to be that cold
and unfeeling.
441
00:18:15,007 --> 00:18:16,189
No offense.
442
00:18:16,283 --> 00:18:19,934
Well, I hate to say it,
but, uh, you are like me.
443
00:18:20,028 --> 00:18:22,179
There's something else.
444
00:18:22,197 --> 00:18:24,364
Leaving for those trips
445
00:18:24,516 --> 00:18:28,185
was-was the hardest thing
I've ever done.
446
00:18:29,021 --> 00:18:33,114
So, it broke your heart
to leave us?
447
00:18:33,208 --> 00:18:35,525
I don't want to talk about it.
448
00:18:35,619 --> 00:18:39,696
So, what? That's it?
No helpful advice? Nothing?
449
00:18:39,715 --> 00:18:42,048
(chuckles softly)
450
00:18:42,201 --> 00:18:45,644
All I got is
the harder the goodbye,
451
00:18:45,871 --> 00:18:48,313
the sweeter the hello.
452
00:18:49,041 --> 00:18:50,816
So, I'm not weak
453
00:18:51,043 --> 00:18:54,361
for wanting to bawl my eyes out
over two toddlers?
454
00:18:54,989 --> 00:18:57,147
It's hard, isn't it?
455
00:18:57,974 --> 00:19:00,233
I don't want to talk about it.
456
00:19:01,053 --> 00:19:03,829
Hey, I just got a text
from Mandy.
457
00:19:03,980 --> 00:19:05,647
(sighs) Don't worry
about the typos, Mom.
458
00:19:05,741 --> 00:19:09,226
-English is basically
her second language.
-(Vanessa laughs)
459
00:19:09,319 --> 00:19:10,410
No, she said, uh,
460
00:19:10,504 --> 00:19:12,245
she said the little ladies
are ready for bed,
461
00:19:12,398 --> 00:19:15,841
and they want their "Auntie Eeb"
to come read them a story.
462
00:19:15,992 --> 00:19:17,825
-Really? Oh!
-VANESSA: Mm-hmm.
463
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:19,403
Okay, I'm there.
464
00:19:19,421 --> 00:19:21,180
Oh, my God, I hope they have
Green Eggs and Ham.
465
00:19:21,407 --> 00:19:23,089
Remember you used to read that
to me, Dad?
466
00:19:24,334 --> 00:19:27,019
-I'll do stuff
with you guys next time, okay?
-VANESSA: Yeah.
467
00:19:27,246 --> 00:19:30,355
-MIKE: Mm-hmm.
-All right. I promise. Bye.
468
00:19:31,841 --> 00:19:34,100
(exhales)
Well...
469
00:19:34,253 --> 00:19:36,586
Is it wrong
that I hate toddlers
470
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:39,198
because they're taking
my daughter away from me?
471
00:19:41,777 --> 00:19:43,427
You okay?
472
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:44,995
Uh-huh.
473
00:19:45,689 --> 00:19:47,447
You sure?
474
00:19:47,599 --> 00:19:49,208
Uh-huh.
475
00:19:50,694 --> 00:19:52,452
How 'bout we-we crack a beer
476
00:19:52,546 --> 00:19:55,697
and-and go sit in your truck
and listen to some oldies?
477
00:19:55,791 --> 00:19:57,341
Uh-uh.
478
00:19:58,052 --> 00:20:00,344
Want to have a tea party?
479
00:20:02,130 --> 00:20:04,598
-With bourbon?
-Oh. Uh-huh.
480
00:20:22,968 --> 00:20:24,743
Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.
481
00:20:24,970 --> 00:20:26,411
Outdoor lucky man, really.
482
00:20:26,563 --> 00:20:29,731
I have a family filled with
people I actually like to see.
483
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:32,492
Good thing, because there's
always one of them
484
00:20:32,586 --> 00:20:34,068
in my kitchen.
485
00:20:34,088 --> 00:20:36,237
But I know
everyone has a twitch
486
00:20:36,331 --> 00:20:37,923
at the holidays
when the doorbell rings.
487
00:20:38,150 --> 00:20:39,816
-(doorbell rings)
-And you go, "Oh, wow!
488
00:20:39,835 --> 00:20:41,334
"Surprised us this year,
Uncle Ted.
489
00:20:41,428 --> 00:20:44,321
(chuckling):
I thought you had passed."
490
00:20:44,339 --> 00:20:45,413
(sighs)
491
00:20:45,432 --> 00:20:47,157
The only good thing
about those visits
492
00:20:47,250 --> 00:20:49,601
is the sweet relief
of them leaving.
493
00:20:49,753 --> 00:20:50,918
"Okay, drive safe.
494
00:20:50,938 --> 00:20:52,771
"Or... or not.
(chuckles)
495
00:20:52,998 --> 00:20:55,089
-Just drive away."
-(tires screech)
496
00:20:55,109 --> 00:20:58,101
A lot of people
hate saying goodbye.
497
00:20:59,004 --> 00:21:00,445
What are we avoiding, you know?
498
00:21:00,672 --> 00:21:03,264
I guess it's simple: the real
sadness of leaving someone
499
00:21:03,284 --> 00:21:05,600
or having someone leave
that we love,
500
00:21:05,619 --> 00:21:08,936
especially when you don't know
if you'll ever see them again.
501
00:21:09,031 --> 00:21:12,624
Kind of like saying goodbye
to your favorite TV show.
502
00:21:12,776 --> 00:21:13,775
Damn.
503
00:21:13,794 --> 00:21:15,627
Thought I wouldn't get upset.
504
00:21:15,779 --> 00:21:17,187
But it's okay.
505
00:21:17,205 --> 00:21:18,522
There's nothing of greater value
506
00:21:18,540 --> 00:21:20,948
than a meaningful connection
with a loved one.
507
00:21:20,968 --> 00:21:25,045
And the price we pay for that is
feeling sad when we say goodbye.
508
00:21:25,139 --> 00:21:26,972
Seems worth it to me.
509
00:21:27,123 --> 00:21:28,807
I'm sure
you're feeling that right now,
510
00:21:29,034 --> 00:21:32,477
knowing this... vlog
is coming to an end.
511
00:21:32,962 --> 00:21:34,313
Baxter out.
512
00:21:34,540 --> 00:21:35,630
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
513
00:21:35,649 --> 00:21:36,723
and TOYOTA.
514
00:21:36,875 --> 00:21:38,317
(chicken clucks)
515
00:21:38,544 --> 00:21:40,610
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org