- YEAH, THIS PLACE IS HAPPENING TONIGHT.
I'M GONNA GO CHECK OUT THE LADY AT THE BAR
WITH THE LONG, SILKY HAIR.
- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.
- YOU HAVE?
- NO, YOU HAVE. - OH, OH, OH.
- THAT'S GINA. GREAT SEX.
SAID YOU'D CALL. NEVER DID.
- OH.
HASKELL, HASKELL, WALL ME.
- HI, HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?
- HEY! PHIL!
- HEY!
- KAREN. - KAREN!
HOW YOU BEEN, GIRL?
- I'VE BEEN ALL RIGHT.
I HAD A GREAT TIME ON OUR DATE.
- PRINCE CONCERT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.
- WAS THE LITTLE PURPLE MAN ON FIRE OR WHAT?
- SO, PHIL...
WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER CALL?
- KAREN, THIS IS GONNA SOUND LIKE A LINE.
THAT'S WHY I'M HESITANT TO SAY IT, ALL RIGHT?
I LOST YOUR NUMBER.
- THEN LET ME GIVE IT TO YOU. - OKAY.
- WATCH THIS. SAVING IT.
[laughs]
I'LL CALL YOU, BABY.
- AT IT AGAIN, HUH, PHIL?
- HOLLY. LAWYER. LANDLADY.
- I MEAN, WHY DO YOU PLAY GAMES WITH THESE WOMEN?
IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA CALL, WHY EVEN LEAD THEM ON?
- STUART. ROOMMATE. GIRLY-MAN.
- LISTEN, I'M JUST TRYING TO BE SENSITIVE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK A WOMAN WOULD RATHER HEAR?
"I'LL CALL YOU BABY,"
OR, "RIDE'S OVER, DON'T FORGET YOUR VALUABLES"?
- THAT IS JUST-- THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'RE LIKE THE PATRON SAINT OF THE HUMP AND DUMP.
- UH-OH. NICOLE.
PRESCHOOL TEACHER. WEEKEND IN VEGAS.
- WALL ME, HASKELL.
- HI, THERE. [mumbles]
- EDEN. - HI, HI.
- GLAD TO SEE SURROGACY HASN'T SLOWED DOWN YOUR SOCIAL LIFE.
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
THERE'S A TON OF PREGGO FREAKS OUT THERE.
THIS ONE WANTS TO PUT ME IN A ONESIE.
- WELL, YOU DO LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'VE GOT THAT GLOW.
- AW. TAKE A NUMBER.
- IS THAT STUART GARDNER, D.D.S.?
- JERRY. both: HEY.
- HOLLY, THIS IS MY OLD NEIGHBOR JERRY KUNKLE.
- HELLO.
- LOOK AT YOU, SCALING MOUNT SEXY.
- NO, NO. HOLLY'S JUST A FRIEND.
ALTHOUGH I'VE CLIMBED PLENTY OF MOUNTAINS
SINCE THE DIVORCE. YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I'VE-- I'VE SCALED--
- HE'S TRYING TO SAY HE'S HAD SEX.
- AWESOME.
I'M GLAD TO SEE THOSE "POOR STUART" RUMORS AREN'T TRUE.
- WHAT RUMORS? - YOU KNOW.
BROKEN MAN, WALLOWING IN SELF-PITY,
A SHELL OF YOUR FORMER SELF.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WHO'S SAYING THAT?
- OH, YOU KNOW.
EVERYBODY.
ANYHOO, WE'RE GONNA MISS YOU
AT THE CLUB'S ANNUAL BALLROOM DANCE.
IT IS GOING TO BE OFF THE HIZZY.
- WELL, THIS YEAR,
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A LITTLE AWKWARD TO COME.
- OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
YOU AND LORNA WERE ALWAYS THE BIG STARS.
NOW IT'LL JUST BE LORNA.
- LORNA'S GOING?
- YEAH, WITH A DATE.
OH, GOSH, DID I LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG?
- NO, NO, NO. IT'S OKAY.
NO, NO, GOOD FOR HER. YEAH.
- ANYHOO. - YEAH.
- JER-BEAR'S GOT TO BOUNCE. LATERS.
- STUART, ARE YOU OKAY? - WELL, NO.
NOT ACCORDING TO MY OLD NEIGHBORS, I'M NOT.
[groans] I JUST--
I WISH I COULD GO TO THIS DANCE
AND SHOW LORNA AND EVERYBODY ELSE
THAT I'M DOING GREAT.
- WHAT IF YOU DID GO?
WHAT IF YOU HAD A PARTNER?
A FABULOUS PARTNER?
A PARTNER WHOSE MOTHER RAN A DANCE STUDIO?
A PARTNER WHO HAS TAKEN BALLET SINCE SHE WAS FIVE?
- REALLY?
- DAMN RIGHT, REALLY.
COME ON! MOUNT SEXY WANTS TO SHAKE HER GROOVE THING.
WHAT DO YOU SAY? - WHAT DO I SAY?
PINE GLEN ANNUAL BALLROOM DANCE GALA
AND RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME FUNDRAISER,
HERE WE COME!
[upbeat music]
- * WE LOST OUR HOMES
* WE LOST OUR WIVES
* THREE STRANGERS, WHAT WE GONNA DO? *
* OUR DIVORCE LAWYER SAID
* SHE'LL PUT A ROOF OVER OUR HEAD *
* YEAH, SHE CAME TO OUR RESCUE *
* SHE'S WHERE WE GO WHEN OUR HEARTS ARE BROKEN *
* WHERE WE TURN WHEN WE FINALLY LEARN *
* WE LOST THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES *
* JUST CALL US THE EXES
- OH, HEY, HASKELL, LISTEN.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELF
FOR DINNER TONIGHT.
I HAVE MY FIRST DANCE PRACTICE WITH HOLLY.
- YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE IN THIS APARTMENT
WHO KNOWS HOW TO DANCE.
MOTHER TAUGHT ME.
EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL, SHE'D SAY,
"FORGET THE BOY SCOUTS.
POUR YOURSELF A SCOTCH, AND LET'S CHA-CHA."
- WOW. THE ONLY THING MISSING FROM THAT STORY
IS THE BATES MOTEL.
- KENDRA, THAT WAS FUN.
- SURE WAS.
WHAT A LOVELY APARTMENT.
- TAKE IT IN,
AND THEN BEST TO LET IT GO.
- MMM.
- I'LL SEE YOU AROUND, BABY.
- OH, I LEFT MY PURSE IN THE BEDROOM.
BE RIGHT BACK.
- SO WHERE'D YOU MEET THIS LOVELY LADY
WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN?
- AT THIS GREAT NEW BAR THAT'S CHOCK-FULL OF BABES
THAT DON'T KNOW ME,
SO THERE ARE NO CHANCES OF THE AWKWARD BUMP-INS.
- SO THAT'S IT?
YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE SEX WITH ONE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
AFTER ANOTHER?
WAIT, WHEN I SAID THAT IN MY HEAD, IT SOUNDED BAD.
[door shuts]
- FOUND IT.
- GREAT. LET ME CALL YOU A CAB.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
- KENDRA, I INSIST.
- NO, YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
I LIVE IN THE BUILDING.
- [laughs]
- [sings] WHAT?
- YEAH, ONE FLIGHT UP. I JUST MOVED IN LAST WEEK.
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES, HUH?
- [guffaws]
- I'LL SEE YOU AROUND, BABY.
- PHIL. ROOMMATE. SCREWED.
[rapid knocking on door] - ENTREE.
- WOW. LOOK AT YOU.
- YEAH, I DUSTED OFF MY OLD OUTFIT FROM SIXTH GRADE.
- HOLLY, WHEN I RSVP'D FOR THE GALA,
THE CLUB'S FACEBOOK PAGE WENT CRAZY.
THEY'RE CALLING IT "RETURN OF THE KING."
WAIT TILL LORNA SEES US OUT THERE ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
- MM. WELL, LET'S DO IT.
THIS BODY'S CRAVING LA DANSE.
- NOW ALL WE NEED IS THE RIGHT ROUTINE.
- MM. - I'VE GOT IT, I'VE GOT IT.
HOW ABOUT [stamps foot] THE PASO DOBLE.
- LET'S DOBLE.
[Latin American music plays]
- SUR PLACE!
[music stops]
OKAY, THAT WASN'T VERY GOOD.
- NO, IT REALLY WASN'T.
- STUART, DO YOU MIND
IF I GIVE YOU SOME CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM?
- ME? - YEAH.
YOU NEED TO FEEL THE MUSIC.
YOU GOT TO LOOSEN UP, YOU KNOW?
YOU CAN'T LET THIS GET IN THE WAY OF THAT.
WATCH.
[music resumes]
*
[music stops]
ANY QUESTIONS?
- NOPE. I'M SPEECHLESS.
- HOLD THE ELEVATOR! HOLD IT! HOLD IT! HOLD IT!
OH! HEY, PHIL! - [laughs] HEY.
- HOW YOU DOING, NEIGHBOR?
- GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. SUPER BUSY.
SUPER.
I WAS GONNA CALL YOU.
THEN I GOT SUPER BUSY.
SUPER.
- NO WORRIES, IT'S COOL.
I HAD A PACKED DAY MYSELF.
WALL-TO-WALL MEETINGS.
- SO WE'RE COOL?
- OF COURSE. WHY WOULDN'T I BE?
- I JUST FIGURED YOU'D BE UPSET
'CAUSE I SAID I'D CALL YOU, AND THEN I DIDN'T.
- OH, PHIL.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR GAMES LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, WE HAD A GOOD TIME. NO COMMITMENTS.
YOU DON'T OWE ME ANYTHING.
- I DON'T? - [mouths]
- THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
AND SO ARE YOU.
[elevator bell chimes]
SO WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?
- I'M THINKING THIS IS YOUR FLOOR.
- OH, RIGHT, YEAH. THIS IS MY FLOOR.
THIS IS-- THIS IS WHERE I LIVE.
[laughs]
SO, UH, ANYWAY, KENDRA,
WE SHOULD GET TOGETHER AGAIN.
- SURE. I'LL CALL YOU, BABY.
- [guffaws]
GUESS WHO I JUST RAN INTO IN THE ELEVATOR?
KENDRA.
- SO THE STALKING BEGINS.
- NO, NO. IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT.
SHE WAS COOL, MAN.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE'RE GOING OUT AGAIN.
- WHEN? - SOON.
SHE SAID, "I'LL CALL YOU, BABY."
- ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU SAY WHEN YOU WANT TO BLOW SOMEBODY OFF?
- OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I SAY, "I'LL CALL YOU, BABY."
SHE SAID, "I'LL CALL YOU, BABY."
HEAR THE DIFFERENCE?
- NOT IN THE LEAST.
- THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE THE EAR.
YOU'RE NOT ATTUNED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MATING DANCE.
- I CAN HEAR WHEN A GUY'S LYING TO HIMSELF.
SO, STU, HOW'D THE PRACTICE GO WITH HOLLY?
- IT WAS HORRIBLE.
IT WAS THE MOST FRIGHTENING HOUR OF MY LIFE.
IT WAS LIKE BEING CHASED BY A MOTHER OSTRICH
WHO WAS PROTECTING HER YOUNG.
- SO WHAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT?
- THIS? NO, THIS IS JUST A THIN WALL BETWEEN ME
AND A TOTAL BREAKDOWN.
- YOU'RE SCARING ME.
YOU LOOK LIKE MOTHER WHEN SHE WENT THROUGH THE CHANGE.
- LORNA WAS TERRIBLE AT FIRST,
BUT I TURNED HER INTO A GREAT DANCER,
AND I'M GONNA DO THE SAME THING WITH HOLLY.
- YOU DO REALIZE YOU'RE BLEEDING THROUGH YOUR SOCK.
- YES. YES, I DO.
THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE.
AHH. [laughs] - WOW.
YOU'VE EVEN GOT MOTHER'S LIMP.
- GUESS WHO'S COMING OVER FOR DINNER TONIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT. KENDRA.
SO SHE FINALLY CALLED, HUH?
- UH, NO, ACTUALLY, I CALLED HER,
AND IT'S A GOOD THING I DID.
TURNS OUT SHE LOST MY NUMBER.
- ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU SAY WHEN YOU'RE GONNA BLOW SOMEBODY OFF?
- NO. I SAY, "I LOST YOUR NUMBER."
SHE SAID, "I LOST YOUR N--"
- I'M THROUGH WITH THIS GAME!
- OKAY.
[keys jingle onto table]
- [groans] I'M IN TROUBLE, HASKELL.
HOLLY'S DANCING HAS ACTUALLY GOTTEN WORSE.
AT SOME POINT, IT WAS NO LONGER DANCING,
I WAS JUST GETTING MY ASS KICKED.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I GOT TO BACK OUT OF THIS THING NOW.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, BETTER NOT TO SHOW UP AT ALL
THAN TO BE HUMILIATED.
- YOU'VE JUST DESCRIBED THE LUTZ FAMILY MOTTO:
IF IT'S WORTH DOING, IT'S WORTH BACKING OUT OF.
- OH, HEY, STUART.
- OH, HEY, HOLLY. LISTEN.
I'M GLAD YOU CAME BY.
- I FORGOT TO TELL YOU
HOW MUCH THE LAST FEW DAYS HAVE MEANT TO ME.
- WELL, THEY'VE HAD A BIG IMPACT ON ME TOO.
LISTEN, I APPRECIATE THE SOLID EFFORT--
- YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER TOLD ANYBODY THIS,
BUT MY MOTHER ACTUALLY THOUGHT MY DANCING STUNK.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
- AND HOW EXACTLY DID SHE BREAK THAT TO YOU?
- IT WAS THE NIGHT OF THE SPRING DANCE RECITAL,
AND I WAS ABOUT TO GO ON.
SHE REPLACED ME WITH MY YOUNGER SISTER JILL.
I HAD TO STAND IN THE WINGS AND WATCH, DEVASTATED.
- WOW.
SO SHE JUST SORT OF RIPPED IT OFF LIKE A BAND-AID, HUH?
- I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT...
DANCING WITH YOU HAS GIVEN ME THE OPPORTUNITY
TO GET OVER A REALLY PAINFUL PART OF MY CHILDHOOD.
SO THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
- OH.
IT'S GONNA BE [sings] MAGICAL. OW!
- SO KENDRA NEVER SHOWED UP, HUH?
- I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
WHO ACCEPTS A DATE WITH SOMEONE AND THEN DOESN'T SHOW?
- IF SHE DOESN'T REALIZE HOW GREAT YOU ARE,
THEN SHE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU.
- OH, NO. YOU'RE PITYING ME.
I LIKED IT BETTER WHEN YOU WERE MOCKING ME.
- ME TOO. YOU'RE A MORON.
SHE'S NEVER GONNA SHOW.
- I TELL YOU ONE THING.
I'M THROUGH WITH THIS GIRL.
I MEAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET HER PLAY ME.
NOBODY PLAYS PHIL CHASE!
[knock on door]
WELL, WELL, WELL.
LOOK WHO'S HERE.
- HEY, HONEY.
- NO, NO, NO.
WE'RE WAY PAST "HONEY."
- I'M SORRY, BABY.
I HAD A MEETING THAT RAN LATE.
- SO WHAT? YOU COULDN'T CALL?
YOU COULDN'T TEXT?
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I WORKED ORDERING THAT FOOD?
- I HATE SEEING A FROWN ON THAT ADORABLE FACE.
both: MMM.
- NO, NO, NO. THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK.
I'M SO MAD AT YOU.
- I KNOW. STILL MAD?
- MAYBE A LITTLE LESS MAD. - MMM.
HOW ABOUT NOW?
- I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT.
- [laughs]
[door latch clicks] - HEY.
HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- I HAVE A REALLY EARLY DAY,
AND YOU LOOK SO CUTE THERE, I DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE YOU UP.
- OH, WELL, MAYBE WE COULD DO SOMETHING TONIGHT.
- THAT WOULD BE AMAZING,
EXCEPT I HAVE TO LEAVE TOWN FOR A FEW DAYS.
MWAH!
- CALL ME.
[Latin American music plays]
*
- GOD, LOOK AT LORNA AND HER DATE DANCE.
- THEY MAKE A MAGNIFICENT COUPLE.
- OKAY, THEY'RE NOT BAD.
BUT WHEN WE'RE DONE, JAWS WILL DROP.
- THAT THEY WILL.
- BRAVA!
- WELL, I GUESS I SHOULD DO THE GRACIOUS THING
AND GO SAY HI TO LORNA.
- HEY, DON'T LET HER GET IN HER HEAD.
- REMEMBER, YOU GOT THIS.
- RIGHT.
HELLO, LORNA.
- HI, STUART.
- WELL, I HATE TO ADMIT IT,
BUT YOU AND YOUR DATE LOOKED PRETTY GREAT OUT THERE,
ALTHOUGH I THINK I DID RECOGNIZE SOME OF MY OLD MOVES.
- JUST A FEW. ONLY KICKED UP A NOTCH.
BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHAT LIFE'S ABOUT.
MOVING ON. IMPROVING.
- YEAH, YOU SAID IT.
CONTRARY TO RUMORS, MY LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN BETTER.
- GOOD FOR YOU.
- SO YOU AND THIS GUY BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER LONG?
- LET'S JUST SAY DON AND I ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY.
OH. - GREAT JOB, LORNA.
ALTHOUGH THAT LIFT WAS A LITTLE STIFF.
- THANKS, DON.
- BUT WE CAN WORK ON IT IN MY STUDIO MONDAY MORNING.
- THANKS, DON.
- JUST CALL MY OFFICE AND-- - THANKS, DON.
- YOU HIRED A PROFESSIONAL DANCER?
- SO WHAT?
- YOU CAN'T DO THAT. THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES.
- THERE ARE NO RULES ABOUT THAT.
- WELL, THERE WOULD BE IF I WAS STILL ON THE RULES COMMITTEE.
- THAT IS CLASSIC STUART.
ALWAYS SO RIGID. NEVER SPONTANEOUS.
NEVER TAKING CHANCES.
- NO, NO. THAT'S NOT TRUE, LORNA.
I'M NOT THE SAME GUY I WAS A YEAR AGO.
- STUART, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE HONEST
ABOUT WHAT'S REALLY BOTHERING YOU?
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT I DON'T NEED YOU AS A DANCE PARTNER.
- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T NEED YOU EITHER.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH A NEW PARTNER.
- OH, GREAT. - GREAT.
- LET'S SEE THIS NEW STUART.
- OH, YOU'RE GONNA SEE HIM. - LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
- YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA SEE IT. - GOOD.
- OKAY. - OKAY.
- OH, MY GOD. SHE'S GONNA SEE IT.
- READY, HASKELL? - GO.
- HI, MOM. GUESS WHAT.
I'VE ENTERED A DANCE CONTEST.
AND YOU ONCE SAID THAT I COULDN'T WALK AND TALK
AT THE SAME TIME.
WELL, LOOK AT ME.
I'M WALKING AND I'M TALK--
- AND SEND.
- OH, MY GOD, HOLLY. ARE YOU OKAY?
- NO, I THINK I BRUISED MY COCCYX,
BUT I THINK I CAN STILL DANCE.
- NO, NO, YOU CAN'T. STAY DOWN.
- [grunts] I DON'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT YOU.
- NO, YOU WON'T, TRUST ME. STAY DOWN.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
WE CAN'T TAKE A CHANCE OF YOU HURTING YOURSELF MORE.
- YEAH. - OW!
- AND NOW, COMING UP,
THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR,
THE RETURN OF THE KING-- DR. STUART GARDNER AND PARTNER.
- WELL, I BETTER GO TELL HIM WHAT HAPPENED.
WITH HOLLY INJURED,
AT LEAST NOW I CAN BOW OUT OF THIS GRACEFULLY.
- OR...YOU COULD GO FOR IT.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- LOOK INTO MY EYES.
FOLLOW MY LEAD.
AND IF I CALL YOU MOTHER, IGNORE IT.
[Latin American music plays]
*
all: HEY.
- OH! - LOOK WHAT WE'VE GOT.
- CONGRATULATIONS. YOU GUYS WON.
- NO, WE GUYS WON.
- OKAY, I DEFINITELY MISSED SOMETHING HERE.
- YES, YOU DID.
YOU MISSED ME PROVING TO LORNA
THAT I'M NOT AFRAID TO TAKE CHANCES.
WHO KNEW I WOULD FIND REDEMPTION IN THIS MAN'S ARMS?
- I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, STUART.
I JUST WISH I HADN'T FALLEN ON MY ASS,
SO I COULD HAVE HELPED YOU MORE.
- HEY, YOU HELPED PLENTY.
WITHOUT YOU, HOLLY, I NEVER WOULD HAVE HAD THE GUTS
TO GO TO THE DANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
IN FACT...
HERE, YOU EARNED THIS. - AWW.
- NO, SHE DIDN'T!
YOU KNOW WHAT EARNING IT IS?
14 YEARS SLOW DANCING ON THE PORCH WITH MOTHER.
[sighs]
- KENDRA.
- HEY, BABY.
WHAT A SURPRISE.
- YEAH, THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL GOING OUT OF TOWN?
- MY TRIP GOT CANCELLED. I WAS GONNA CALL YOU.
- SAVE IT.
LOOK, JUST BE HONEST WITH ME. I CAN TAKE IT.
IF YOU'RE NOT INTO ME, JUST SAY IT.
- I'M NOT INTO YOU.
- WHY?
I MEAN, I-I CAN CHANGE.
WHAT DID I DO WRONG? JUST TELL ME.
- UH, I THINK WE BETTER GO. - NO, LOOK--
YOU JUST LOST THE BEST THING YOU EVER HAD, WOMAN!
BEST THING YOU EVER HAD.
LET'S AGREE THIS NEVER HAPPENED.
- YEAH. - NEVER HAPPENED.
- I ALREADY TWEETED IT.
[upbeat music]
*
- YEAH.
- * ACME
- [whistles]