[upbeat music]
[door unlocks]
- [exhales]
- EVERYTHING OKAY, STUART?
- [clears throat] I'M HOLDING.
I'M CARRYING!
- YOU TRYING TO TELL US YOU'RE PREGNANT?
'CAUSE IF ANY GUY COULD DO IT-- - NO. NO, NO.
I SCORED SOME MARIJUANA. - OH! HO-HO-HO!
SO WHO'S YOUR CONNECTION? - UH, MY PATIENT,
OLD MAN FINKLESTEIN. HE TAKES IT FOR HIS GLAUCOMA.
- MM.
- NICE! CALIFORNIA KUSH.
THAT OLD POTHEAD FINKLESTEIN REALLY KNOWS HIS YUM-YUM.
- YOU SEEM TO KNOW IT TOO, CHEECH.
- WELL, BACK IN THE DAY, I ENJOYED THE OCCASIONAL TOKE.
POT WAS A STAPLE ON THE PRO BOWLER'S TOUR,
ALONG WITH MILKY WAYS AND PLUS-SIZED WOMEN.
- WELL, LISTEN, I'VE, UH-- I'VE NEVER DONE POT BEFORE.
YOU THINK IT'S TIME FOR STU-DOG TO, UH--[inhales]
PUFF THE DRAGON? - I THINK IT'S WAY OVERDUE.
- SO WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
LET'S SPARK UP A FATTY! - EH, HOLD IT--HOLD IT.
THE SMOKE TICKLES MY NOSE, AND THE SMELL WILL STAY
IN THE THROW CUSHIONS FOR MONTHS.
- IT'S LIKE GETTING HIGH WITH MARTHA STEWART.
- FINE. WE'LL MAKE POT BROWNIES.
- OH, GOOD IDEA! WE'LL INGEST IT.
ALTHOUGH BROWNIES ARE A LITTLE PEDESTRIAN.
OH! I GOT IT! I GOT IT.
THERE'S A SPINACH FRITTATA RECIPE
I'VE BEEN DYING TO TRY.
MMM. PARTY ON.
[upbeat music]
- * JUST CALL US THE EXES
- GOOD MORNING!
- AH, HOLLY, THANKS AGAIN
FOR INSISTING I STAY HERE UNTIL I HAVE THE BABY.
- ANYTHING FOR YOU, MY PREGGY LITTLE ROOMMATE.
EDEN, IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU WANT, JUST ASK FOR IT
BECAUSE I AM IN A GREAT MOOD.
MY SISTER JILL IS COMING FOR A VISIT.
- UGH! LITTLE MISS PERFECT?
THE ONE WHO'S ALWAYS SHOVING HER INCREDIBLE LIFE
IN YOUR FACE? - MM-HMM.
THAT'S THE ONE.
SHE'S IN TOWN TO SEE THE FLOWER SHOW.
OH, AND SHE ALWAYS GIVES ME THIS LOOK THAT SAYS,
"POOR HOLLY, YOUR LIFE IS SO SAD AND EMPTY."
- AND IT'S NOT, RIGHT?
- OF COURSE IT'S NOT!
I HAVE AN AWESOME NEW BOYFRIEND.
SO FOR ONCE, SHE WON'T BE GIVING ME THE "POOR HOLLY" LOOK.
[laughs] [phone chimes]
OOH! MY BOYFRIEND PAUL JUST TEXTED.
OH, I CAN'T-- I DON'T HAVE MY GLASSES.
CAN YOU READ IT FOR ME? - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
- THANKS.
READ IT OUT LOUD.
- UM, I DON'T WANT TO.
- EDEN, WHAT DOES IT SAY?
- PAUL HAD TO RUSH OUT OF TOWN.
- WHAT? WHY?
- HIS 103-YEAR-OLD AUNT JUST DIED.
PLEASE DON'T HURT ME. I'M SMALL AND PREGNANT.
- SO I CAN'T SHOW OFF MY NEW BOYFRIEND
JUST BECAUSE SOME SELFISH BAG OF BONES PICKS THIS WEEKEND
TO HAVE A DIRT NAP?
- I WOULD LOVE TO STAY AND BE SUPPORTIVE,
BUT THE BABY WANTS TO GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE.
- [groans]
[knock on door]
- [gasps] - JILL!
- HOLLY! SO GREAT TO SEE YOU! - MM-HMM.
- AW, I'VE INTERRUPTED YOUR BREAKFAST.
YOUR GREAT, BIG ONE. - [sighs]
JILL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET
AT YOUR HOTEL LATER.
- WELL, I GOT AN EARLY START.
DID MY POWER WALK, HAD A PROTEIN SMOOTHIE,
PICKED UP SOME CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY.
- MM. - AND [clears throat] I THOUGHT,
WELL, "HOLLY MUST BE UP BY NOW."
AND YOU KINDA ARE.
SO, HOLLY, TELL ME, HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GREAT. FABULOUS. NEVER BEEN BETTER.
- NO, REALLY.
HOW ARE YOU?
EVER SINCE MOM TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR EX-FIANCE CHEATING
ON YOU, ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS "POOR HOLLY."
- NO, NO, NO, NO. HAPPY HOLLY.
I-I TOLD YOU ON THE PHONE I HAVE AN AWESOME NEW BOYFRIEND.
- RIGHT! CAN'T WAIT TO MEET HIM!
- ABOUT THAT...
UM, UNFORTUNATELY, HE HAD TO DASH
OUT OF TOWN UNEXPECTEDLY.
- OF COURSE HE DID. HUG?
- NO HUG. I'M TELLING YOU, I HAVE SOMEONE IN MY LIFE.
- HOLLY, WE'RE OUT OF BODY WASH.
- EDEN, THIS IS MY SISTER JILL. - HI, HI.
I HAVE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU.
- AND I HAVE HEARD NOTHING
ABOUT YOU, EDEN.
YOU LIVE HERE?
- YEAH, YEAH. HOLLY INSISTED, ME BEING KNOCKED UP AND ALL.
OH, HOLLY, THAT REMINDS ME:
I WAS ABLE TO BOOK THAT LAMAZE CLASS ON SUNDAY.
IT'S IN THE WEST VILLAGE, SO I'M SURE
WE WON'T BE THE ONLY GIRL-GIRL TEAM.
- [laughs]
- OH, MY GOD.
HOLLY, YOU'RE GAY.
- WHAT? - HELLO!
- IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
WHEN WE WERE KIDS,
ALL OF THE MARTINA NAVRATILOVA POSTERS.
- SHE WAS A WORLD-CLASS ATHLETE. - MM.
- LISTEN, JILL-- - HOLLS.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE PROUD OF YOU.
- WAIT--WAIT, WHAT?
- YOU'RE LIVING YOUR LIFE OPENLY, ON YOUR OWN TERMS.
AND ON TOP OF THAT, YOU'RE HAVING A BABY!
HOLLY, I'M IN AWE OF YOU.
- YOU'RE IN AWE OF ME?
- UH, JILL, I THINK
THERE'S SOMETHING HOLLS NEEDS TO TELL YOU. [laughs]
- SHE'S RIGHT, JILL.
EDEN AND I ARE...
CRAZY STUPID IN LOVE.
- UM... [giggles]
[upbeat music]
- YEAH. [snickering]
- YEAH, YOU REALIZE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
THAT WE'RE ALL GETTING HIGH TOGETHER.
MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD SAY A FEW WORDS.
- OH, I WILL! I WILL! STOP TALKING.
- SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE.
[knocks on door]
SWEET CHRISTMAS! IS THAT THE PO-PO?
- LISTEN, I'M ONLY GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS ONCE.
EDEN AND I ARE LOVERS, AND MY SISTER IS TAKING US
OUT TO DINNER TO CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF OUR LOVE CHILD.
- THIS STUFF IS AWESOME.
- I GOT CAUGHT IN THIS STUPID LIE WITH MY SISTER,
AND I-I'M GOING TO TELL HER THE TRUTH TONIGHT,
BUT I NEED YOU GUYS THERE FOR MORAL SUPPORT.
- YOU GOT IT. - YEAH, WE'LL BE THERE!
- ALL RIGHT, GREAT. WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
- NOT POT!
[upbeat music]
- WOW! LOOK AT ALL THE WOMEN HERE!
IT MUST BE LADIES' NIGHT!
- I THINK EVERY NIGHT HERE IS LADIES' NIGHT.
THIS IS A LESBIAN BAR. - OH!
THAT EXPLAINS THE NEON VAGINA OUT FRONT.
- THERE'S MY AWESOME SISTER. - OH!
- YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY MAMA.
- THAT'S US! [giggles]
- HOPE YOU GUYS HAVEN'T BEEN HERE BEFORE.
CONCIERGE AT MY HOTEL SAID
THIS IS THE HIPPEST KITTY-CAT SHACK IN TOWN.
CHECK ME OUT WITH THE JARGON. - YEAH.
- LOOK, I GOT US A TABLE. - OKAY.
- [clears throat] UH, DEAR? - OH, YES, OF COURSE.
- THIS ONE.
LUCKILY, WHAT SHE LACKS IN ETIQUETTE,
SHE MAKES UP IN OTHER DEPARTMENTS. [snickers]
- [gasps]
- [laughs]
WHERE ARE WE, MAN?
- WELL, CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT IT'S ALL WOMEN,
AND WE'RE THE ONLY GUYS HERE,
I WOULD SAY THAT THIS IS THE GREATEST BAR IN THE WORLD.
- YEAH, JACKPOT.
- HEY. HEY.
HOW AMAZING WAS THAT TAXI RIDE?
WE STARTED IN ONE PLACE AND ENDED UP IN ANOTHER!
WE WERE THERE, AND NOW WE'RE HERE!
- [laughs]
YEAH, THIS POND IS STOCKED. IT'S GONNA BE EASY.
CHECK ME OUT.
HEY, GIRL.
HEY, SWEETHEART, WHAT'S GOING ON?
- YOU'RE SERIOUSLY HITTING ON ME?
- MM-HMM.
- TRUST ME, THERE ARE NO WOMEN HERE
THAT ARE INTERESTED IN YOU.
- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
- HI. - YES, I AM.
- [giggles] I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
NOTHING BUT LIPSTICKS OUT TONIGHT.
- YEAH, THE ONLY WOMAN I SEE IS THE ONE STANDING
RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
- RIGHT BACK AT YA.
- HMM.
PFFT! [giggles]
[laughter]
- WOW, HOW COOL IS THIS?
IF I WERE HOME RIGHT NOW, I'D BE IN BED PLAYING SUDOKU
AND POKING BARRY TO STOP SNORING.
- SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT MY LIFE IS MORE EXCITING THAN YOURS?
- COME ON, LOOK AT YOU TWO.
I ALMOST FORGOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE TO BE IN LOVE.
I'M SO JEALOUS.
- YOU'RE JEALOUS OF ME?
- HOLLY, ISN'T THERE SOMETHING YOU WANTED TO TELL JILL?
- NO, I'M GOOD.
- HEY, UH, CUTE STUFF, YOU WANNA--CHIK-CHIKA--DANCE?
- ME? UH, NO, I'M WITH MY LADY. [chuckles]
- OH, NOW, DON'T BE SILLY. GO, HAVE FUN--
- OH, I DON'T KNOW. - YOU HEARD HER.
LET'S DO THIS. - OH, MY--OW!
- COME ON!
- MMM, I LIKE YOUR BURLY ARMS.
- I GET THAT FROM MY MOTHER'S SIDE.
- WHOA! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT AGAINST MY HIP?
- I GET THAT FROM MY FATHER'S SIDE.
- OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE A GUY?
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING AT A LESBIAN CLUB?
- LESBIAN CLUB?
- HOW'S IT GOING? I'M STACEY.
- I'M...HAZEL.
- MM. - [laughs]
- OH, LOOK AT HER OUT THERE. SO FREE!
PLAYING BY HER OWN RULES.
ME, I'VE ALWAYS LIVED IN A STIFLING LITTLE BOX.
LATELY, IT'S BEEN MORE LIKE A PRISON.
- YOU OKAY THERE, JILL?
- NO, I'VE GOT TO STOP KIDDING MYSELF.
BARRY AND I AREN'T A REAL COUPLE,
NOT LIKE YOU AND HOLLY.
I MEAN, WE HAVEN'T BEEN A REAL COUPLE FOR YEARS.
WE'RE JUST TWO PEOPLE SHARING THE SAME HOUSE.
- OOH, AH! GEE.
AH.
WELL, THAT WAS UNSETTLING.
[sighs] SO HOW ARE THINGS OVER HERE?
- HOLLY, WATCHING YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE
HAS MADE ME REALIZE I'VE GOT TO START LIVING MINE.
WHEN I GET HOME, I'M TELLING BARRY
OUR MARRIAGE IS OVER.
- WHAT?
[upbeat music]
- LISTEN, JILL, NOW THAT YOU'VE SLEPT ON IT,
YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS ABOUT GETTING A DIVORCE.
- HOLLY, I TOLD YOU, MY MARRIAGE IS OVER.
I FINALLY HAVE THE COURAGE TO END IT,
AND I OWE IT TO YOU.
- LOOK, JILL, THERE'S SOMETHING YOU NEED TO KNOW.
EDEN AND I ARE JUST-- [knocks on door]
WHO IS IT? - IT'S YOUR MOTHER!
- UGH, WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?
DID YOU CALL HER? - OF COURSE I DIDN'T CALL HER.
- DO NOT TELL HER I'M GETTING DIVORCED.
- DON'T TELL HER I'M A LESBIAN.
HI.
- WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG TO GET TO THE DOOR?
THIS PLACE ISN'T EXACTLY VERSAILLES.
[gasps] THERE'S MY JILLY.
[gasps] I LOVE THAT COLOR ON YOU.
- OH, THANKS, MOM. - OOH.
AND, HOLLY, THAT EYE SHADOW MAKES YOU LOOK ANGRY.
- THANKS, MOM. SO WHAT YOU DOING HERE?
- WELL, HOW OFTEN DO MY TWO GIRLS GET TOGETHER?
I CASHED IN SOME MILES, AND NOW IT'S A THREESOME.
I MISSED YOU, JILL.
- I MISSED YOU TOO, MOM.
- SERIOUSLY? Y-YOU SEE HER EVERY DAY.
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME IN, LIKE, FOUR MONTHS.
- DON'T BE SO SENSITIVE!
I MISSED YOU TOO.
I'M JUST USED TO HAVING JILL AROUND.
OH, JILL, BEFORE I FORGET, THE CLUB NEWSLETTER CAME, AND--
[sighs] - [gasps]
- SHE AND BARRY WON THE MIXED DOUBLES
TENNIS TOURNAMENT.
HOW AMAZING IS THAT?
- YOU DO REALIZE THAT I'M A PARTNER
IN A LAW FIRM THIS YEAR.
- HONEY, WHY MUST EVERYTHING BE A COMPETITION?
- MY POINT IS IT'S IMPRESSIVE
HOW JILL JUGGLES THE KIDS, THE GARDEN CLUB,
HER CHARITY WORK, AND A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE.
HINT, HINT. - MM.
- I'VE FOUND THE KEY IS TIME MANAGEMENT.
HOLLY, I'D BE HAPPY TO GIVE YOU SOME TIPS.
- JILL'S GETTING A DIVORCE. - WHAT?
- HOLLY'S A LESBIAN, AND SHE'S HAVING A BABY!
- OH, MY GOD!
YOU'RE GETTING A DIVORCE?
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
YOU JUST FOUND OUT THAT I'M GAY,
AND I'M HAVING A BABY.
WHERE'S MY "OH, MY GOD"?
- LET'S DEAL WITH THE SHOCKING NEWS FIRST.
JILL?
- MOM, I'M NOT GETTING A DIVORCE.
I DO NOT KNOW WHERE SHE GOT THAT IDEA.
- WHAT?
- OH, WOW, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT TIME.
I'M GOING TO BE LATE FOR THE FLOWER SHOW.
CATCH YOU LATER, BYE.
- WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU MAKE UP A STORY
LIKE THAT ABOUT YOUR SISTER?
- I'M NOT MAKING ANYTHING UP, MOM.
OKAY, I'M NOT A LESBIAN, I'M NOT A LIAR,
AND I'M NOT HAVING A BABY.
- HOLLY, THE GAY BAR CALLED.
YOU LEFT YOUR JACKET ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
[upbeat music]
- HI, JILL.
- HOLLY, THE FLOWER SHOW WAS AMAZING.
I PICKED UP SOME INCREDIBLE AZALEAS
FOR BARRY TO PLANT AROUND THE GAZEBO.
- WHAT'S WITH THE ACT?
I MEAN, WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO KID?
UNTIL MOM GOT HERE, YOU WERE GETTING A DIVORCE.
YOU'RE JUST AFRAID TO TELL HER.
- AND YOU'RE AFRAID TO TELL HER YOU'RE GAY.
- I'M NOT GAY. - AND I'M NOT GETTING DIVORCED.
- NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I LOVE MEN. - AND I LOVE BARRY.
- STOP IT.
EDEN AND I ARE NOT A COUPLE.
EDEN IS MY ASSISTANT, AND SHE'S STAYING AT MY APARTMENT
UNTIL SHE HAS HER BABY.
- WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO ME?
- BECAUSE IT WAS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE EVER LOOKED AT ME
WITH ADMIRATION. - THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- YEAH, IT IS.
[chuckles] WHEN IT COMES TO MOM,
YOU ARE THE PRINCESS WHO COULD DO NO WRONG,
AND I WAS... SHREK.
- WELL, YOU THINK IT'S BEEN EASY FOR ME TRYING TO LIVE UP
TO MOM'S EXPECTATIONS?
THE MORE OF A TRAIN WRECK YOU ARE,
THE MORE SHE DUMPED HER HOPES ON ME.
- CAN WE GET SOME ALCOHOL OVER HERE?
JILL, YOU HAVE TO TELL HER THE TRUTH.
- I CAN'T.
- YOU'RE GONNA GO UP THERE,
AND YOU'RE GONNA TELL HER THE TRUTH,
AND I'M GONNA BE THERE FOR YOU.
- REALLY? - MM-HMM.
- YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF MOM?
- PLEASE.
I'M A GROWN WOMAN, PARTNER IN A LAW FIRM.
YOU THINK I'M AFRAID OF MY MOMMY?
WHAT'S KEEPING THE ALCOHOL?
[upbeat music]
*
- GOOD AFTERNOON, GENTS.
I WOULD LOVE TO STAY AND CHAT,
BUT I HAVE A DATE WITH MY NEW LADY FRIEND.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. THE ONE FROM LAST NIGHT?
SHE THINKS YOU'RE A WOMAN.
- THAT SHE DOES.
SO IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
HAZEL'S OFF TO MEET HER NEW GAL PAL
AT THE BATTING CAGES.
[husky voice] TA-TA, BOYS.
[door shuts]
- IF THAT'S NOT AN ANTI-DRUG MESSAGE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.
[knocks on door] - I GOT IT.
HEY, MRS. FRANKLIN. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE IN TOWN.
HELLO, PHIL. THANK YOU.
HAVE YOU SEEN MY DAUGHTERS?
- UH, NO, I HAVEN'T. SORRY. - UGH.
- SO HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
- HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
- I'VE BEEN BETTER.
- I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE.
- REALLY?
- OH, YEAH. REALLY.
- ALL RIGHT.
- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.
- OKAY, THEN. - OKAY.
- MOM, WHAT'S GOING ON? - NOTHING.
- AW, I WOULDN'T CALL IT NOTHING. [laughs]
I'M BACK, BABY.
[laughs] THANKS, MISS FRANKLIN.
- MOM?
MOM, JILL HAS SOMETHING SHE'D LIKE TO TELL YOU.
- UGH.
- WHAT IS IT, JILL? - [clears throat]
MOM...
I BOUGHT A BONSAI TREE AT THE FLOWER SHOW
THAT I AM GOING TO SCULPT INTO YOUR LIKENESS.
- OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. SHE'S GETTING A DIVORCE.
- NO, SHE'S NOT. WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT?
WHY DOES SHE KEEP SAYING THAT?
- BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.
- WHAT?
YOU AND BARRY ARE REALLY GETTING DIVORCED?
- YES.
- WHAT DID YOU DO? - ME?
- ALL I KNOW IS MY DAUGHTER CAME HERE
A HAPPILY MARRIED, MIXED DOUBLES CHAMPION.
WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENED?
- NOTHING HAPPENED.
SHE'S BEEN MISERABLE FOR YEARS.
SHE'S JUST BEEN TO AFRAID TO TELL YOU.
- WH--I SEE YOU EVERY DAY.
HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME YOU WERE SO UNHAPPY?
- BECAUSE YOU THINK I'M PERFECT,
AND I DIDN'T WANNA DISAPPOINT YOU.
- YEAH, THAT'S MY JOB.
- OH, I SEE.
SO THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.
WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, BLAME THE MOTHER.
DID YOU EVER SEE ME
BLAMING MY MOTHER FOR ANY OF MY PROBLEMS?
- WELL, YOU DIDN'T GO TO HER FUNERAL.
- THAT WAS DIFFERENT. IT WAS OVER MONEY.
I-I DON'T GET IT.
THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE, YOU WERE TOO AFRAID
TO TELL ME YOUR ENGAGEMENT WAS OVER,
AND NOW, YOU'RE TOO AFRAID TO TELL ME YOUR MARRIAGE IS.
- WELL, STARTING TO SEE A PATTERN HERE, MOM?
- YEAH, YOU TWO STINK AT RELATIONSHIPS.
AND MAYBE...
I'M NOT SO EASY TO TALK TO.
WHAT DO YOU SAY I TAKE MY DAUGHTERS TO DINNER
AND DO A LITTLE LISTENING?
- MM, I'D LIKE THAT. [sighs]
- ME TOO.
AND, MOM, YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW
I HAVE AN INCREDIBLE NEW BOYFRIEND.
GOOD FOR YOU, HONEY.
YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
IF YOU REALLY WANNA KEEP HIM, LOSE THE EYE SHADOW.
- YEAH.
- * ACME
- [whistles]