- SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- LOOK WHO'S HERE-- G.I. JOKE.
WHAT'S WITH THE GETUP?
- DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
I VOLUNTEER FOR THE DENTAL RESERVE CORPS.
- HOW LONG'S YOUR HITCH?
- ONE SATURDAY AFTERNOON A MONTH,
ALTHOUGH NEXT MONTH I HAVE A WEDDING.
- STUART, DON'T YOU THINK THAT OUTFIT'S A BIT MUCH?
- THIS OUTFIT HAPPENS TO BE THE UNIFORM OF CAPTAIN
IN THE UNITED STATES ARMY, WHICH I'M REQUIRED TO WEAR
WHEN I WORK ON THE SOLDIERS AT FORT HAMILTON.
- "REQUIRED"?
I'D WEAR THAT THING ALL OVER TOWN.
THAT'S A PANTY-DROPPER IF EVER I SAW ONE.
- YES. WELL, THAT'S WHERE YOU AND I DIFFER, HASKELL.
I WOULD NEVER DISGRACE THIS UNIFORM
BY USING IT FOR SUCH TAWDRY AND SALACIOUS PURPOSES.
- DON'T WORRY-- YOU KEEP TALKING LIKE THAT,
AND NOBODY'S PANTIES ARE GOING ANYWHERE.
- HEY, GUY--
OH, LOOK AT YOU, OFFICER SEXY.
[chuckles]
- IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I'M OFF TO THE WAR...
ON GINGIVITIS.
- HEY, HASKELL. - HEY, HEY.
- SO IT'S SATURDAY.
YOU GOT ANY BIG PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
- I CERTAINLY DO.
THERE'S A HOAGIE WITH MY NAME ON IT
BICYCLING UP 3RD AVENUE AS WE SPEAK.
- HONEY, I KNOW NICKI BROKE YOUR HEART,
BUT YOU GOT TO GET OUT THERE AND MEET OTHER WOMEN.
- NO, THANKS.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH HUMILIATION TO LAST A LIFETIME.
- HASKELL, YOU CANNOT SPEND ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT
ALONE ON THE COUCH.
- I'M NOT ALONE.
I'M SIMPLY SPENDING TIME WITH MY FAVORITE PERSON--ME.
I LOVE MY STORIES. I GET ALL MY JOKES.
AND IF THE MOOD SHOULD SO STRIKE,
LET'S JUST SAY THAT I HAVE YET TO, UH, TURN MYSELF DOWN.
- WE'VE GOT TO HELP THAT POOR BASTARD.
- WHO? - HASKELL.
EVER SINCE NICKI, IT'S LIKE HE'S GIVEN UP HOPE.
IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING,
HE COULD END UP ALONE FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
- [chuckles] THAT'S FUNNY.
THAT'S WHAT WE USUALLY SAY ABOUT YOU.
ALL RIGHT, FINE. WE'LL TAKE HIM OUT TO THE BAR TONIGHT
AND HOOK HIM UP WITH A LADY.
- ALL RIGHT, AND BY "WE," I MEAN "YOU."
I-I HAVE PLANS.
OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT I'M GETTING MARRIED IN FIVE MONTHS?
- THAT'S RIGHT. HOW'S THE HUSBAND SEARCH COMING?
- WELL, ASK ME LATER TONIGHT AFTER I'VE HIT ALL THE COP BARS
AND TROLLED HOME DEPOT.
BUT IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. HASKELL'S THE DESPERATE ONE.
[upbeat music]
- * DEE, DOO, DEE, DOO
* DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO
- HEY, SOLDIER. BUY A GAL A DRINK?
AH, I WOULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A SLUT IN WORLD WAR II.
ANYWAY, HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAY ON THE BASE?
- IT WAS HELL.
THE CROWNS, THE CAVITIES, THE CLEANINGS--
THEY JUST KEPT COMING, EDEN. THEY JUST KEPT COMING.
- ANYWAY, THE IMPORTANT THING IS,
YOU'RE OUT OF THAT HELLHOLE, AND YOU MADE IT HOME SAFE.
GOD BLESS YOU, SOLDIER. - YEAH.
- EXCUSE ME. I COULDN'T HELP BUT OVERHEAR.
I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
- LOOK, I REALLY HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING.
- DON'T BE MODEST.
I CAN SEE THE PAIN AND SUFFERING IN YOUR FACE.
I'M KATIE.
- AH, I'M STU-- UH, CAPTAIN STUART GARDNER.
- CAPTAIN GARDNER, COULD I BUY YOU DINNER?
IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO FOR ONE OF OUR FIGHTING MEN.
- WELL, I SUPPOSE I COULD USE SOME R&R.
- ALL RIGHT, HASKELL. THIS BAR IS PACKED WITH HONEYS.
I WANT YOU TO THINK OF IT AS A LOBSTER TANK.
PICK THE ONE YOU LIKE,
AND I'LL BRING HER OVER TO YOUR TABLE.
- CONSIDERING THAT WAS DEMEANING TO WOMEN, ME, AND LOBSTERS,
I THINK I'LL PASS.
- OH, NO, NO, NO. YOU CAN'T PASS.
AS YOUR FRIEND AND WINGMAN,
WE AIN'T LEAVING HERE TILL YOU FIND YOURSELF A LADY.
- LOOK, PHIL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
I KNOW HOLLY PUT YOU UP TO IT.
- HOLLY?
SHE DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
I'M MY OWN MAN. I RUN MY OWN SHOW.
- WHY DON'T I SIT OVER THERE
AND WE'LL TELL HOLLY YOU HOOKED ME UP?
- THANKS, BUDDY. I OWE YOU ONE.
UH...
HEY, BABY.
HOW ABOUT I BUY THE SEXIEST WOMAN IN THE BAR A DRINK?
- OH, CRAP.
- HEY, DID YOU JUST "OH, CRAP" ME?
NO, I'M NOT THE "OH, CRAP" GUY.
I'M THE "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE" GUY.
- NOTHING PERSONAL. I'M JUST NOT IN THE MOOD.
- YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS?
REALLY? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?
WAS IT A DEATH IN THE FAMILY?
- HEY, THIS PLACE IS REALLY PACKED.
MIND IF I-- IF I SIT DOWN?
- KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
- WOW. YOU'RE READING PAPA HEMINGWAY.
- LOOK, I DON'T MEAN TO BE RU-- HO--HI.
- SO HOW FAR HAVE YOU GOTTEN IN THE BOOK?
- I JUST FINISHED THE PART WHERE HE'S DRUNK IN PARIS,
AND I'M GETTING TO THE PART WHERE HE'S DRUNK IN SPAIN.
- OH, WAIT TILL YOU GET TO THE PART
WHERE HE'S DRUNK IN CUBA. - OH.
YOU KNOW, I'M BEGINNING TO THINK THAT THE TRUE HERO
OF THIS STORY IS HIS LIVER.
- [laughs] THAT'S FUNNY.
HI. I'M DANI. - HASKELL LUTZ.
- THAT HEMINGWAY GUY-- HE KNEW HOW TO LIVE, HUH?
I MEAN, BULLFIGHTING, BIG-GAME HUNTING, BOXING.
- YEAH, HE ALSO LOVED A STRAIGHT BOURBON
AND A FINE CIGAR.
- WHO DOESN'T?
NOW YOU'VE GOT ME IN THE MOOD FOR A CIGAR.
YOU KNOW, I KNOW THIS GREAT CIGAR CLUB ON THE WEST SIDE.
- WOW. YOU DON'T MEET TOO MANY WOMEN
WHO ARE INTO STOGIES.
- I'M NOT YOUR TYPICAL WOMAN.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
- YES, LET'S.
- HASKELL, THIS PLACE IS DEAD.
LOOKS LIKE THE ONLY PERSON I'M TAKING HOME TONIGHT IS YOU.
- SORRY. I'M ALREADY TAKEN.
- READY TO GO, HASKELL.
- WHAT THE HELL?
- YOU KNOW EACH OTHER?
- YEAH, WE KIND OF BUMPED INTO EACH OTHER AT THE BAR.
HEY, I'M DANI. - PHIL.
- OW. WOW. DANI, THAT--THAT--
THAT RIGHT THERE IS A GRIP YOU GOT.
- I WORK WITH MY HANDS. I'M AN ELECTRICIAN.
SHALL WE?
- UH, DANI'S TAKING ME TO A CIGAR CLUB.
- A CIGAR CLUB? - YEAH, LOOK, I'LL GET US A CAB.
- OH, NO NEED, NO. MY TRUCK IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.
- OH.
- WOW. IT LOOKS LIKE HASKELL'S GOT HIMSELF A HOTTIE.
- NO, HASKELL'S GOT HIMSELF A DUDE.
- GOOD MORNING.
- HASKELL, I'VE DONE SOMETHING BAD, REALLY, REALLY BAD.
I MET A WOMAN WHO THOUGHT I WAS A COMBAT HERO,
AND I SLEPT WITH HER.
- STILL WAITING FOR THE BAD PART.
- DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
I'VE BROUGHT SHAME TO THIS UNIFORM.
I HAVE TO TELL HER WHO I REALLY AM.
- HOW CRUEL CAN YOU BE?
ARE YOU GOING TO TELL THIS WOMAN
THAT SHE WENT TO BED WITH A HERO
AND SHE WOKE UP WITH A DENTIST?
- WHAT SHOULD I DO?
- THE ONLY NOBLE THING--
LIE YOUR ASS OFF.
TELL HER YOU'RE SHIPPING OUT.
- YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.
THAT WAY, SHE'LL BE LEFT WITH THE MEMORY
OF HAVING BEEN WITH A BRAVE SOLDIER.
- HEY, HEY. CHECK IT OUT.
CAPTAIN GARDNER DOING THE WALK OF SHAME.
- OH, GOD, LOOK WHO'S PROUD OF ME.
- UH, SO, HASKELL,
HOW'D IT GO LAST NIGHT WITH DANI?
- IT WAS GREAT.
WE HAD BRANDY AND CIGARS.
SHE EVEN LIKES BETTING THE PONIES.
HOW MANY WOMEN YOU KNOW LIKE THAT?
- NONE.
- THAT IS THE GREAT THING ABOUT DANI.
I MEAN, SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, BUT SHE HANGS LIKE A GUY.
[knock at door]
- HOLLY? - HEY, PHIL, WHAT'S UP?
- UH, IT'S ABOUT HASKELL.
- THAT'S RIGHT. HOW'D IT GO LAST NIGHT?
DID HE MEET SOMEONE? - UH, HE DID. HE DID.
UH, BUT THERE'S A TINY LITTLE PROBLEM.
- WHAT?
- I THINK SHE MAY HAVE A DING-DONG.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- I'M SAYING HASKELL'S DATE MAY BE A GUY
DRESSED UP AS A WOMAN.
- WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU EVEN THINK
SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
- WELL, I HIT ON HER LAST NIGHT, AND SHE BLEW ME OFF.
AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW, SHE WAS LEAVING WITH HASKELL.
- OH, SO, BECAUSE SHE TURNED YOU DOWN AND CHOSE HASKELL,
SHE HAS TO BE A MAN.
- EXACTLY.
- OH, PLEASE. GET OVER YOUR BAD SELF.
- OH, IT'S NOT JUST THAT.
SHE'S ALSO AN ELECTRICIAN,
DRIVES A TRUCK, SMOKES CIGARS,
AND SHE HAS A HANDSHAKE THAT COULD MAKE A GROWN MAN CRY--
NOT THAT I DID, BUT I WANTED TO.
- SOUNDS TO ME LIKE SOMEONE HAS A BRUISED EGO
AND CAN'T HANDLE THE FACT
THAT SHE'S A STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN.
- WITH A DING-DONG.
- HEY, HASKELL.
- I JUST HAD THE GREATEST DATE OF MY LIFE.
DANI AND I SPENT THE DAY AT CONEY ISLAND,
AND WE WALKED THE BOARDWALK.
WE RODE THE CYCLONE.
WE PLAYED ALL THE CARNIVAL GAMES.
- WELL, THAT'S GREAT. AND SO YOU WON THAT?
- NO, SHE DID.
AT THE "TEST YOUR STRENGTH" GAME.
SHE SCORED HE-MAN.
- YOU HEAR THAT, HOLLY? HE-MAN.
- WOW. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF
QUITE AN UNUSUAL WOMAN.
- WELL, I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE HER.
I MEAN, THERE WAS A LONG LINE OUTSIDE THE LADIES' ROOM.
SHE MARCHED RIGHT INTO THE MEN'S
LIKE SHE'D DONE IT A MILLION TIMES.
THAT TAKES BALLS.
- DO YOU HEAR THAT, HOLLY?
BALLS.
- ANYWAY, THANKS FOR GETTING ME OFF THE COUCH.
YOU KNOW, I WAS PRETTY BROKEN UP ABOUT NICKI,
BUT NOW THAT I'VE MET DANI, I AM OVER IT.
IN FACT, WE'RE MEETING TONIGHT FOR DRINKS,
AND MAYBE THERE'LL BE A LITTLE FIREWORKS
IN THE BOUDOIR.
- WELL, THAT IS HOW YOU START A FIRE...
RUB TWO STICKS TOGETHER. - OH!
YOU KNOW, PHIL...
I THINK YOU JUST MIGHT BE RIGHT ABOUT HER.
- HOLLY, I AM. I AM.
- I COULDN'T BEAR TO SEE HIM HAVE HIS HEART BROKEN AGAIN.
- "HEART BROKEN"?
HOLLY, IF HE FINDS OUT DANI'S A DUDE,
WE'LL NEVER GET HIM OFF THE COUCH.
- BUT WHAT IF WE'RE WRONG?
I MEAN, WE BETTER FIND OUT FOR SURE BEFORE WE SAY ANYTHING.
- AND HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?
JUST WALK UP TO HER AND SAY, "HI.
"WHAT LOVELY WEATHER WE'RE HAVING TODAY.
DO YOU PEE STANDING UP?"
- SMOOTH.
- WELL, SHE'S NOT GOING TO OPEN UP TO A COMPLETE STRANGER.
- YEAH, BUT WHO IS SHE GOING TO OPEN UP TO?
- I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE ANOTHER GUY
DRESSED UP AS A WOMAN OR...
SOMEONE WHO COULD PASS FOR ONE.
- YEAH, BUT WHO DO WE KNOW LIKE THAT?
WHO?
- HI, KATIE. - HELLO, CAPTAIN GARDNER.
- CALL ME STUART.
- LISTEN, ABOUT LAST NIGHT,
I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET THE WRONG IDEA.
I DON'T USUALLY SPEND THE NIGHT WITH GUYS I JUST MET.
BUT I WAS SO MOVED BY YOUR SACRIFICE.
- YEAH, KATIE, LISTEN, THERE'S SOMETHING
WE REALLY NEED TO TALK ABOUT. - MM-HMM.
- SO IS THIS THE HANDSOME YOUNG CAPTAIN
YOU'VE BEEN TELLING ME ABOUT?
- STUART, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY DAD.
- DAD.
- SERGEANT BILL DRAKE, SIR.
- WELL, THAT'S NOT NECESSARY. YOU, UH--
ALL RIGHT, WELL... [chuckles]
AT EASE.
- DAD WAS IN THE 9TH INFANTRY DIVISION IN VIETNAM.
- YEAH, DID TWO TOURS,
SLOGGING THROUGH THE RICE FIELDS OF THE MEKONG DELTA,
NOT KNOWING FROM ONE DAY TO THE NEXT
IF IT WAS GOING TO BE MY LAST.
- YOU GUYS HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
- I THINK HE MAY HAVE HAD IT WORSE.
- NONSENSE.
I CAN STILL SEE THE TERROR IN YOUR EYES.
- OH, IT'S THERE.
- WELL, IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU IN MY BAR, SON.
LET ME BUY YOU A DRINK.
I LIKE HIM. - [chuckles]
WOW. THAT WENT REALLY WELL.
HE'S USUALLY PRETTY TOUGH ON GUYS I DATE.
- YEAH, UH, LISTEN, KATIE,
THERE'S REALLY NO EASY WAY TO SAY THIS, SO, UM...
I'M SHIPPING OUT.
- OH, MY GOD. WHEN?
- UH, TOMORROW, NOON-ISH.
- NO! - WHAT?
WHAT'S GOING ON? - STUART IS BEING REDEPLOYED.
- MM-HMM. SAD BUT TRUE.
I SHOULD PROBABLY GET GOING. - YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
- WHAT?
- BOYS, WE GOT ONE GOING OVER.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WE'RE GOING TO GIVE YOU THE SEND-OFF THAT YOU DESERVE.
- NO, NO, NO, NO. I'M--YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GOOD.
- NONSENSE.
I'VE GOT A BOTTLE OF '42 COGNAC
THAT MY FATHER BROUGHT BACK FROM NORMANDY,
AND I'VE JUST BEEN WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME TO OPEN IT.
- NO.
NO, NO. DON'T, PLEASE.
- A TOAST... TO CAPTAIN STUART GARDNER.
HERE'S TO THE SOLDIER AND HIS ARMS.
FALL IN, MEN. FALL IN.
PUT YOUR TRUST IN GOD, BOYS.
FALL IN, MEN. FALL IN.
all: HOO-AH!
- HOO-RIGHTY, THEN.
UH, THIS WAS LOVELY.
I SHOULD PROBABLY GET HOME AND PACK,
AND, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF LAUNDRY AND THINGS, SO...
KATIE.
- I'LL WAIT FOR YOU, STUART.
- GIVE 'EM HELL, SOLDIER.
- AND HELL I SHALL GIVE THEM.
- DR. GARDNER? - HUH?
- HEY, THANKS FOR FIXING MY TOOTH, MAN.
THAT CAVITY WAS KILLING ME.
- WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT, STUART?
- YEAH, WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT? - AH, NOT IMPORTANT.
- OH, DON'T BE SO MODEST.
ONCE A MONTH, THIS GUY GOES OVER TO FORT HAMILTON
AND WORKS ON OUR TEETH.
- WAIT A SECOND.
YOU'RE NOT IN THE ARMY? YOU'RE NOT BEING DEPLOYED?
- I GAVE MYSELF TO A DENTIST?
- HOO-AH!
- HI, EDEN.
- HONEY...
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I BEGGED YOU
NOT TO PUT ON YOUR MAKEUP DRUNK?
- LOOK, WE THINK THE WOMAN HASKELL'S DATING
MIGHT BE A MAN.
SO, WHILE PHIL'S UPSTAIRS STALLING HIM,
I'M TRYING TO PASS MYSELF OFF AS A MAN DRESSED AS A WOMAN
SO I CAN FIND OUT WHO'S WHO AND WHAT'S WHERE.
- OH, OKAY.
OH, HERE SHE IS.
- IT'S SHOWTIME.
HI.
MIND IF I SIT DOWN?
- HELP YOURSELF.
- THANKS. OOH...
THESE HEELS ARE KILLING ME.
I DON'T KNOW HOW WOMEN DO IT.
- NEITHER DO I.
- GOSH, YOUR COMPLEXION'S REAL SMOOTH.
WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?
BY 5:00, I END LOOKING LIKE A LUMBERJACK.
- OH, WELL, YOU MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER WAXING
OR, LIKE, A GOOD CONCEALER, OR IN YOUR CASE...
BOTH.
- THANKS FOR THE TIP. - YEAH.
- BOY, SOCIETY'S REALLY CHANGED, HASN'T IT?
WE CAN BE WHO WE ARE AND BE PROUD.
SHOUT IT TO THE WORLD!
GO ON, SHOUT IT.
OKAY, I'LL GO FIRST.
I'M A MAN WHO LIKES TO DRESS AS A WOMAN.
- HONEY, I GOT THAT THE MINUTE YOU WALKED IN.
- WHAT?
NO, NO, NO. NO, I'M A SEXY WOMAN.
GUYS DIG ME, SERIOUSLY. MY BOOBS ARE REAL.
- OH. - YOU WANT TO TOUCH THEM?
- OH, I GOT TO GO. - COME ON.
I'M SERIOUS. COME ON.
- HASKELL, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
SOME LUNATIC IS BOTHERING ME.
- WELL, WHY DON'T WE HAVE DRINKS AT MY PLACE?
- I'D LIKE THAT. - YEAH.
MAKE YOURSELF SCARCE. I'M ABOUT TO GET LUCKY.
AND TONIGHT OTHERS MAY BE INVOLVED.
[knock at door]
- EX-SQUEEZE ME. - [chuckles]
[knocking continues]
- DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO MAKE YOURSELF SCARCE?
AH! JEEZ!
- HEY, I DID THIS FOR YOU.
- AH, WELL, I'VE GONE HOME WITH WORSE.
BUT I'M SORRY. I'M TAKEN.
- YEAH, UH, HASKELL, ABOUT THAT,
WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT DANI.
- WHAT ABOUT HER?
- OH, LET'S SEE, HOW DO I PUT THIS DELICATELY?
- YOU CAN'T. SHE'S A MAN.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - THINK ABOUT IT, HASKELL.
DANI, THE ELECTRICIAN, DRIVES A TRUCK, SMOKES CIGARS,
AND YOU SAID SO YOURSELF, SHE HANGS LIKE A GUY.
- I TALKED TO HER.
TRUST ME, SHE'S HIDING SOMETHING.
- SO YOU WERE THE LUNATIC IN THE BAR?
- I RESENT THAT!
I'M JUST A WOMAN PRETENDING TO BE A MAN
PRETENDING TO BE A WOMAN TO FIND OUT
IF A WOMAN IS A MAN PRETENDING TO BE A WOMAN.
- I GET IT. - GOOD.
- YOU TWO THINK THAT IF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
IS INTERESTED IN ME, THEN SHE'S GOT TO BE A GUY.
WELL, WHAT IF SHE WAS DATING PHIL OR STUART?
NO, BUT IF SHE'S INTERESTED IN HASKELL,
WELL, THEN THERE'S GOT TO BE A CATCH.
WELL, FORTUNATELY, I HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE
IN MYSELF THAN YOU DO.
AND I DON'T INTEND KEEPING THAT WOMAN--
YES, WOMAN--
WAITING ANY LONGER.
SORRY FOR THE INTERRUPTION.
WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOME MORE WINE?
- ACTUALLY, I WOULDN'T MIND CRACKING OPEN A BEER.
- YOU'RE A MAN.
- WHAT?
- AH, THE EVIDENCE WAS IN FRONT OF ME THE WHOLE TIME.
I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE IT.
YOU'RE A DUDE IN A DRESS, RIGHT?
RIGHT?
- WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU THINK THAT?
- WELL, WHY ELSE WOULD SOMEONE SO BEAUTIFUL AND FANTASTIC
BE INTERESTED IN ME?
- BECAUSE I LIKED YOU.
YEAH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE FUNNY AND SWEET
AND INTERESTING.
SO LONG, HASKELL.
- I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING. OH!
- WOW. HE LEFT IN A HURRY, HUH?
- NO.
SHE LEFT IN A HURRY.
- DANI WAS A WOMAN.
YEAH, I GUESS I COULD SEE THAT.
- HASKELL, I'M SO SORRY. - I'M SORRY TOO, BUDDY.
- YOU KNOW...
IT'S OKAY.
YOUR HEARTS WERE IN THE RIGHT PLACE.
YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO DO WHAT WAS RIGHT FOR ME,
AND I APPRECIATE THAT. - REALLY?
- NO! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!
- IT WASN'T MY FAULT! PHIL STARTED IT!
- WHA-- - YEAH.
IT'S TRUE. YEAH.
SEE, HE HIT ON DANI, AND THEN SHE BLEW HIM OFF,
AND THEN WHEN SHE CHOSE YOU, HE COULDN'T HANDLE IT.
IT ATE HIM ALIVE.
SO HE HAD TO TURN DANI INTO A MAN,
AND I BOUGHT INTO IT, BECAUSE I CARE.
- GET OUT. - SO--SO WE'RE GOOD, RIGHT?
- GO.
- TRY TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE.
- SO ALL THIS STARTED
BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T HANDLE THAT A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
CHOSE ME OVER YOU.
- YEAH, I GUESS SO.
- WAIT A SECOND.
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN CHOSE ME
OVER YOU. - YEAH.
- SHE CHOSE ME OVER YOU.
- YEAH, HASKELL, AND IT HURTS, OKAY?
IT HURTS!
- LOOK, BUDDY, YOU GOT TO GET OFF THE COUCH
AND GET BACK OUT THERE, ALL RIGHT?
I'M GOING TO FIND YOU A LADY.
- OH, MY GOD.
NOW I'M THE "FIND YOU A LADY" GUY.
- LOOK, PAL, THE FIRST LESSON IS THAT WHINY TONE--
IT'S A REAL TURNOFF.
YOU'LL BE OKAY.
JUST STICK CLOSE AND OBSERVE THE MASTER.
- * DEE, DOO, DEE, DOO
- * DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO *
* DOO, DOO, DOO
- * DEE, DOO, DEE, DOO
- * DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO
- YEAH.
- ACME! [coughs]