- OH, GOOD, YOU'RE ALL HERE.
MY FIRM IS HOSTING A CHARITY DINNER TONIGHT
TO SEND UNDERPRIVILEGED CHILDREN TO CAMP,
AND I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO INVITE
THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN MY LIFE.
SO WOULD YOU CARE TO ATTEND?
- NO. - SORRY.
- WELL, TOO BAD, YOU'RE GOING.
I BOUGHT AN ENTIRE TABLE, AND EVERYONE I INVITED BAILED.
I CAN'T SIT ALONE.
I'LL LOOK MORE NEEDY THAN THOSE KIDS.
- SO, WHY DON'T YOU BAIL?
- BECAUSE THOSE CHARITY THINGS ARE ALWAYS STOCKED WITH MEN.
I'M GETTING MARRIED IN TWO MONTHS,
I NEED A GROOM.
- SO BASICALLY YOU'RE JUST USING UNDERPRIVILEGED CHILDREN
AS A PLOY TO SNAG A HUSBAND.
- CONGRATULATIONS, STUART, YOU CRACKED THE CODE.
SUITS AND TIES. SEE YOU AT 8:00.
- * DE-DO DE-DO
* DO-DO-DO, DO-DO-DO
* DO-DO-DO
* DE-DO DE-DO, DO-DO-DO *
* DO-DO-DO-DO
- SO, HASKELL, SEE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO BID ON?
- WELL, I DO HAVE MY EYE ON THIS COP RIDE-ALONG.
YEAH, JOINING THE BOYS IN BLUE
PATROLLING THE GRITTY STREETS OF NEW YORK.
PLUS THEY GIVE YOU A BADGE AND WHISTLE.
- WELL, STEP UP AND MAKE A BID.
- WELL, IT HAS BEEN MY LIFELONG DREAM.
- EIGHT BUCKS.
HASKELL, YOU JUST CHANGED A KID'S LIFE.
HE IS NOT GOING TO CAMP. - OH.
- HOLLY. HOLLY. GUESS WHAT?
THEY'RE AUCTIONING OFF A PRIVATE COOKING LESSON
WITH ROBERT THOMAS. HE'S A CULINARY GOD.
- WELL, AT LEAST YOU FOUND A MAN.
THE ONLY ONES I'VE SEEN
ARE MARRIED, DIVORCED, BITTER, OR GAY.
ONE GUY WAS ALL OF THEM.
- LISTEN, LEARNING FROM CHEF THOMAS WOULD BE
THE FIRST STEP IN FULFILLING MY DREAM.
ONE DAY I PLAN ON OPENING UP MY OWN RESTAURANT,
LA PETITE MAISON DU STUART DANS LE JARDIN.
YOU KNOW, NOTHING TOO PRETENTIOUS.
- RIGHT.
- HEY, STUART, CHECK IT OUT.
DINNER WITH CAREN DUPREE.
REMEMBER HER? SHE PLAYED MRS. MORGAN
ON THAT CLASSIC '80s SITCOM, THE MORGANS.
- YEAH, YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT SHOW.
I USED TO WATCH IT AFTER BADMINTON PRACTICE.
- YOU ARE WHITER THAN THE COLOR WHITE.
THE MORGANS WERE LIKE MY SECOND FAMILY.
- MM. - YEAH, EVERY TIME THE KIDS
SCREWED UP, MRS. MORGAN WOULD ALWAYS BE LIKE,
"WAKE UP AND SMELL THE BACON."
- THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
AND THEY HAD THAT GREAT THEME SONG, REMEMBER?
* TAKIN' IT, MAKIN' IT, SHAKIN' IT WITH THE MORGANS *
* YEAH
- OKAY, YOU PEOPLE, GET IN YOUR FINAL BIDS.
AND I'D LIKE TO REPEAT, FOR SOME OF YOU HANDSY GUYS,
I AM NOT AN AUCTION ITEM.
OH, I'M SORRY. YOU KNOW, WITH THIS SUPER FLU,
I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE STAYED HOME.
BUT IT'S FOR THE KIDS.
- OKAY, LET'S SEE WHO WON THE POLICE RIDE-ALONG.
IT'S KINDA HARD TO READ. IT'S A LITTLE WET.
UM, BUT I BELIEVE THE WINNER IS HASKELL LUTZ.
- I'M GOING TO BE A COP! I'M GOING TO BE A COP!
- OH, UN-UH, UN-UH. HEY, HEY!
WE GOT A PROBLEM?
- OKAY, AND THE WINNER OF THE DINNER
WITH CAREN DUPREE IS PHIL CHASE.
- HA-HA! I WON!
- EDEN, WHO IS THAT HOTTIE IN THE CHEF BOYARDEE OUTFIT?
- THAT'S ROBERT THOMAS. HE'S CATERING THE EVENT TONIGHT.
IN FACT, HE'S THE BIG PRIZE.
- OH, YES, HE IS.
- HOLLY, I'M THE HIGH BIDDER ON THE COOKING LESSON.
- GIVE ME THAT CLIPBOARD!
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I TOLD YOU COOKING
WITH ROBERT THOMAS IS MY DREAM.
- SORRY, COOKIE, HE'S MY DREAM NOW.
- YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT IS LOW, EVEN FOR YOU.
- MM-HMM. OH, YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT LOW?
THE CLIPBOARD. - D'OH!
- OH.
LOOK AT HOW MUCH THESE TWO WANT TO HELP THE CHILDREN.
IT--IT'S SIMPLY INSPIRING.
STOP IT, YOU IDIOTS!
- WHAT'S--WHAT'S GOING ON? - OH.
- OH, UH, CHEF, I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN.
I WANT TO LEARN FROM YOU. - AND I REALLY WANT TO
STUDY UNDER YOU, TOO.
- WELL, SINCE YOU'RE EACH SO...
PASSIONATE, I HAVE A PROPOSAL.
IF YOU BOTH PAY THE TOP AMOUNT, YOU CAN SHARE THE LESSON.
THAT WAY, YOU WIN, AND SO DO THE CHILDREN.
- THEN LET'S DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN.
YES, THE CHILDREN.
I'D MAKE A GREAT MOM.
- I WAS, UH, TOLD TO REPORT HERE, OFFICER.
I'M HASKELL LUTZ.
- OFFICER WILSON. YOU'RE MY RIDE-ALONG?
- AFFIRMATIVE.
YEAH, CAN I GET MY BADGE AND WHISTLE?
I WAS TOLD I GET A BADGE AND WHISTLE.
- REALLY?
WE'RE DOING THE BADGE AND WHISTLE?
OH BOY, OH BOY.
- YOU BLOW THAT IN THE CAR, WE'RE DONE HERE.
- WE GOT A 10-50, VICINITY OF 82nd AND 1st, COPY.
- 10-50. THAT'S A SUSPECTED BREAK-IN.
LET'S ROLL.
- THE IS CAR 617. WE'RE ON A CODE EIGHT, OVER.
- CODE EIGHT, WHAT'S THAT? UH, ROBBERY?
DRUG DEAL? - BATHROOM BREAK.
- OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. I'M GOOD.
- OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL.
THIS IS MY LAST DAY ON THE JOB.
I'VE PUT IN MY 20, AND NOW THE WIFE AND I
ARE HEADED DOWN TO BOCA TO OPEN A SUPERCUTS.
SO, WE'RE JUST GOING TO TAKE A NICE LEISURELY DRIVE.
MAYBE STOP OFF FOR SOME SUGAR-FREE FRO-YO.
- BUT I WANT TO SEE SOME COP ACTION.
BUST A PERP, YOU KNOW, SHAKE DOWN A STOOLIE.
GET SOME FREE PRODUCE FROM A THANKFUL IMMIGRANT GROCER.
- FINE. YOU CAN HIT THE SIREN.
OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
- OH, IT'S YOU.
- YOU THINK I'M HAPPY ABOUT THIS?
MY ONE CHANCE TO BE RECOGNIZED BY A WORLD-CLASS CHEF,
AND I HAVE TO SHARE IT WITH A WOMAN WHO THINKS
HAUTE CUISINE IS FOOD COOKED BY PROSTITUTES.
- THERE'S NO NEED TO GET SNIPPY, ALL RIGHT?
I KNOW IT'S NOT IDEAL, BUT AT LEAST WE CAN ACT CIVILIZED.
OH, HELLO, ROBERT.
- WELCOME, CHEF. - HI.
FIRST OF ALL, I WANT TO THANK YOU BOTH
FOR YOUR GENEROUS CONTRIBUTION TO A WORTHY CAUSE.
AND I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO GET A LOT OUT OF THIS.
- OH, I KNOW I WILL. - ME TOO.
- OKAY, LOOKS LIKE EVERYTHING'S SET UP.
NOW LET'S GET COOKING.
FIRST, I THOUGHT WE'D START WITH A DECEPTIVELY SIMPLE
PASTA PRIMAVERA. - OOH, SOUNDS ROMANTIC.
- LET'S BEGIN BY DICING A CARROT.
EXCELLENT KNIFE WORK, STUART.
- THANK YOU, CHEF.
- HOLLY, LET'S SEE YOUR TECHNIQUE.
- OKAY.
- HOLLY, HOLLY, HOLLY, HOLLY.
HOLLY, WE'RE LOOKING FOR MORE OF A GENTLE SLICE,
AND LESS OF A VENDETTA. - OH.
- DONE, CHEF.
- STUART, YOU'RE SO GOOD AT THIS.
I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO NEED MORE HANDS-ON INSTRUCTION.
- WELL, THAT'S, UH, THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR.
- RIGHT. - ALLOW ME.
KNIFE THERE.
EASY CHOP.
GOOD.
THIN SLICES.
- YOU MUST BE PHIL.
- OH, MY GOD, MRS. MORGAN!
HOW'D YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?
- WELL, YOU'RE THE ONLY GROWN MAN IN HERE
WITH A LUNCH BOX.
- I TOOK A SHOT. - OH.
I'M JUST SO NERVOUS, I-- PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HAVING DINNER
WITH MRS. MORGAN.
- I GOTTA TELL YOU, YOUR SHOW,
IT MEANT SO MUCH TO ME GROWING UP.
YOU'RE KINDA LIKE MY SECOND MOM.
- OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.
THAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD,
AND OLD.
- I--I'M SORRY. I-I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.
- OH, RELAX, PHIL. I'M JUST FUNNIN' WITH YOU.
MRS. MORGAN IS JUST FUNNIN'
WITH ME.
WHOO!
YOUR SHOW HAD SUCH AN IMPACT ON ME GROWING UP.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT EPISODE, SEASON SIX,
WHEN YOU CAUGHT MARCUS ON THE ROOF
SMOKING CIGARETTES WITH HIS BUDDIES.
AND HE WAS LIKE, "I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE DID."
AND THEN YOU SAID TO HIM,
YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID, DON'T YOU?
- I SAID,
"WAKE UP AND SMELL THE BACON."
- YES, YOU DID.
- YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO TRY THE STRAWBERRY?
IT'S VERY TASTY.
- WELL, WHAT ARE WE DOING BACK AT THE STATION?
I PAID FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT.
- MY SHIFT IS DONE.
ANOTHER OFFICER WILL BE TAKING OVER.
I HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED YOUR RIDE-ALONG.
- YEAH, IT'S BEEN MY LIFELONG DREAM
TO WATCH A COP EAT A WAFFLE CONE.
- HEY, BUDDY. NAME'S BURKE.
- HASKELL LUTZ, YOUR RIDE-ALONG.
- WHOA, RIDE-ALONG. NO CAN DO.
WHEN YOU SIT IN THAT PASSENGER SEAT,
YOU'RE MY PARTNER.
- WOW, THAT'S GREAT. 'CAUSE I'VE ALWAYS WANT--
- SHUT IT! HERE ARE THE RULES.
WHATEVER HAPPENS IN THIS CAR, WHATEVER YOU SEE IN THIS CAR,
WHATEVER YOU HEAR IN THIS CAR, STAYS IN THIS CAR.
DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
- NO, SIR.
- YOU GOT A KEVLAR VEST UNDER THAT?
- N-N-JUST A COTTON-POLY TEE.
AM I GONNA NEED ONE?
- ONLY IF YOUR NUMBER'S UP.
- CHEF, I AM ADDING PRECISELY ONE TABLESPOON
OF HERBES DE PROVENCE TO THE SAUCE.
I INVITE YOUR CRITIQUE.
- IF I WAS HANGING WALLPAPER I'D BE THRILLED.
IT'S VISCOUS AND LUMPY.
- THANK YOU, CHEF.
- ROBERT,
I CAN'T FOR THE LIFE OF ME SEEM TO GET THIS CORK OUT.
CAN YOU HELP?
- JUST EASE IT HERE.
both: AAH!
WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN ME FOR A DRINK?
- I'D LOVE TO.
EXCUSE ME. - YES.
- ROBERT.
- I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH YOUR LITTLE WINE STUNT,
BUT IT'S NOT GONNA WORK. I'M WINNING HIS ATTENTION,
AND HIS RESPECT. - OH, REALLY, LUMPY?
HE THINKS YOUR SAUCE TASTES LIKE WALLPAPER GLUE.
- OH, HOW LITTLE YOU KNOW.
THAT'S HOW CHEFS SPEAK TO THEIR MOST TALENTED APPRENTICES.
IT MEANS I'M DAZZLING HIM.
- OH, YEAH? WELL, GET READY TO MEET
RAZZLE AND DAZZLE.
- REALLY? REALLY? YOU'RE TAKING IT THERE?
- OH, YEAH, AND THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
- WHAT DO YOU GOT A THIRD ONE?
- HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP, LUTZ?
- SHOULDN'T WE BE STOPPING FOR SOME OF THESE LIGHTS?
- LIGHTS ARE FOR SHEEP, LUTZ.
ARE YOU A WOLF OR A SHEEP, HUH? HUH?
'CAUSE WE ONLY GOT WOLVES IN THIS CAR.
LET'S HEAR IT!
- YEAH.
- ALL UNITS, WE HAVE A 10-20 IN PROGRESS
AT THE CORNER OF 95th AND BROADWAY.
- 10-20? THAT'S AN ARMED ROBBERY.
- AND THAT IS TWO BLOCKS AWAY. OH, WE GOT THIS.
SHOULDN'T WE WAIT FOR BACK UP?
- I ALREADY GOT BACK UP. YOU, PARTNER.
- NO, NO, NO. I'M NOT YOUR PARTNER.
I'M THE RIDE-ALONG.
I JUST WANTED TO SEND A KID TO CAMP.
- THERE'S THE MINI MART.
I'M GOING IN.
IF ANYBODY GETS PAST ME,
HANDLE IT.
- HANDLE IT?
W-W-W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "HANDLE IT?"
THAT'S A VERY VAGUE INSTRUCTION.
HELLO.
THIS IS HASKELL LUTZ,
THE RIDE-ALONG.
I WANT TO GO HOME NOW.
OVER.
- WELL, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
N-N-NOBODY, NOBODY. I'M JUST AN AUCTION WINNER.
- YOU'RE A COP. YOU'RE WEARING A BADGE.
- NO, NO, NO. NO, IT'S NOT A REAL BADGE.
IT--IT-IT'S A NOVELTY BADGE. SEE, IT SAYS, "LIL' SHERIFF."
- I DON'T CARE. COPS IS COPS.
AND I HATE COPS! - NO, PLEASE, PLEASE.
PLEASE LET ME GO. LOOK, I CAN'T I.D. YOU.
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOUR FACE.
- YOU WANNA SEE MY FACE? - NO, I DON'T!
- YOU WANNA SEE MY FACE? - I DON'T!
- GOTCHA.
- IT'S YOU?
- YEAH, I CUFFED HIM INSIDE, TOOK HIS MASK.
HOW MUCH FUN WAS THAT?
- I THINK I JUST WENT CODE EIGHT.
- NOW, YOU SURE YOU DON'T MIND AUTOGRAPHING A FEW MORE THINGS?
- AS LONG AS THEY DON'T WIND UP ON EBAY.
'CAUSE IF THEY DO, I WANT A CUT.
- BUT I WOULD NEVER SELL--
WAIT A SECOND, YOU'RE KIDDING WITH ME AGAIN, AREN'T YOU?
- MRS. MORGAN'S CRACKIN' JOKES
IN MY APARTMENT.
HEY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
OKAY, IT'S JUST A FEW THINGS.
MRS. M IS IN MY BEDROOM.
WHY IS MRS. M IN MY BEDROOM?
- WAKE UP AND SMELL THE BACON.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M SORRY. AM I BEING TOO SUBTLE?
- OH.
- HEY.
- UH, NO, BUT, UH,
I CAN'T FOOL AROUND WITH MRS. M.
I MEAN, UH, WHAT WOULD MR. M THINK?
- PHIL, PHIL.
MRS. M IS IN RERUNS.
CAREN DUPREE IS LIVE AND IN YOUR BEDROOM.
OH, MAMA.
- I AIN'T YOUR MAMA, PHIL.
- OH. HOO-HOO-HOO.
HEY, DO YOU, UH, REMEMBER THAT EPISODE
WHEN Y'ALL WENT ICE FISHING?
HOW BIG WAS THAT SALMON?
- WHAT'S WRONG, PHIL?
- NOTHING. I-I-I JUST CAN'T DO THIS.
- I SEE.
YOU'RE NOT ATTRACTED TO ME. - NO, IT'S NOT THAT.
I JUST DON'T THINK OF YOU THAT WAY.
- THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.
I DON'T USUALLY DO THINGS LIKE THIS.
OH, BABY, THE TRUTH...
IS I JUST CAME OUT OF A DIVORCE.
- MM.
- I GUESS I'M FEELING KINDA LONELY.
- I TOTALLY GET THAT.
YEAH. I'M DIVORCED, TOO.
WHEN MY WIFE WALKED OUT ON ME,
I DIDN'T FEEL TOO GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.
- HOW'D YOU GET THROUGH IT?
- I'M NOT GONNA LIE. IT WAS HARD.
BUT, EACH DAY,
IT HURT A LITTLE LESS.
AND EVENTUALLY, YOU MOVE ON.
CAREN, COME HERE.
YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
AND YOU'RE GONNA MEET SOMEONE GREAT.
- YOU REALLY THINK I'M STILL BEAUTIFUL?
- HEY.
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE BACON.
- OH.
- CHEF, PERMISSION TO LEAVE THE LINE AND START PLATING.
- PERMISSION GRANTED.
HE'S AN EAGER LITTLE FELLOW, ISN'T HE?
- YEAH. IT'S JUST THAT THIS LESSON
MEANS SO MUCH TO HIM.
YOU KNOW, HE'S REALLY PROUD THAT YOU'RE BEING SO TOUGH ON HIM
'CAUSE YOU THINK HE HAS SO MUCH POTENTIAL.
- OH, NO. I'M BEING TOUGH ON HIM
BECAUSE HE'S DREADFUL.
- READY, CHEF.
- ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE WHAT WE HAVE.
- I HAVE FOR YOU TODAY A PASTA PRIMAVERA
WITH HANDMADE LINGUINI AND MARKET VEGETABLES.
- THE VEGETABLES ARE SOGGY AND OVERCOOKED.
- GOOD TO KNOW, CHEF.
- THE SAUCE IS BLAND AND CHALKY.
- EXCELLENT. I'LL WORK ON THAT.
SO, UM, AHEM, MINOR IMPERFECTIONS ASIDE,
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE DISH AS A WHOLE?
- A HOLE IS PROBABLY WHERE I'D BURY IT.
- OKAY! ALL RIGHT.
WELL, LESSON OVER. WE EACH GOT WHAT WE CAME FOR.
YOU GO FORTH AND COOK, STUART. - NO, NO, NO, NO.
- GO, GO. - HOLLY, HOLLY.
THIS IS VALUABLE FEEDBACK.
SO, DO YOU THINK I HAVE A FUTURE IN THE CULINARY ARTS?
TELL ME, CHEF TO CHEF.
- "CHEF TO CHEF?"
YOU'RE NOT A CHEF.
YOU'RE A POSER PLAYING DRESS-UP.
YOU FOLLOW. YOU DON'T INVENT, YOU MEASURE.
YOU DON'T CREATE. YOU COOK WITH YOUR HEAD.
CHEFS COOK WITH THEIR HEARTS.
SO, IN ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION,
DO YOU HAVE A FUTURE IN THE CULINARY ARTS?
YES.
AS A DINER.
- SORRY I WASTED YOUR TIME.
- SO, WHERE WERE WE?
I THINK IT'S MY TURN
TO CRITIQUE YOU.
YOU KNOW, DECENT HUMAN BEING TO POMPOUS,
SELF-INFLATED JACKASS.
YOU MAY BE A FAMOUS CHEF, BUT YOU ARE NOT HALF THE MAN
THAT STUART IS. SO, IN ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION,
"WHERE WERE WE?"
YOU WERE LEAVING.
- THAT'S TOO BAD.
BECAUSE YOU SHOULD KNOW, I'M NOT ONLY A GREAT CHEF,
I'M ALSO A BRILLIANT LOVER.
- NO! GET OUT!
NEVER GET OFF THE COUCH.
- RIDE-ALONG WASN'T WHAT YOU EXPECTED?
- I MET THE DEVIL.
HE WAS NOT A NICE MAN.
HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT?
- HASKELL, I DID A GREAT THING, MAN.
I MADE A WOMAN FEEL GOOD ABOUT HERSELF
BY NOT HAVING SEX WITH HER.
- AH, BORROWED A PAGE FROM MY BOOK.
- HEY.
ANYONE SEEN STUART?
- KITCHEN.
- CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY?
WHAT AN ARROGANT JERK, HUH?
- AGREED.
- I HOPE YOU DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING HE SAID SERIOUSLY.
- ACTUALLY, I DID.
- OH, NO, STUART, YOU CAN'T.
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
I KNOW WHAT COOKING MEANS TO YOU,
AND I WOULD HATE IT IF THAT BLOWHARD TOOK AWAY YOUR PASSION.
- TAKE IT AWAY? HE CRUSHED IT.
- OH.
- BUT THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT,
AND I REALIZED HE WAS RIGHT.
I MEAN, IF I EVER WANT TO BE A CHEF,
I CAN'T JUST FOLLOW RECIPES. I HAVE TO DIG DEEPER.
I HAVE TO LEARN TO COOK WITH MY SOUL.
- SO, YOU'RE NOT DEVASTATED? HE DIDN'T CRUSH YOUR DREAM?
- NO, NOT AT ALL. IN FACT,
I THINK IT WAS THE BEST COOKING LESSON EVER.
- SO I THREW OUT A PERFECTLY HOT GUY FOR NOTHING?
COME ON, RAZZLE AND DAZZLE.
LET'S GO GET THAT CHEF.
- * DE-DO DE-DO
- *DE-DO DE-DO *
- * DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO
* DO-DO-DO
- * DE-DO DE-DO
- * DO-DO-DO-DO
- YEAH.
- ACME!