- Previously on The Exes... - I'm marrying myself.
What does that even mean, "I'm marrying myself"?
I've spent my entire life looking for a man to marry,
thinking that's what I needed to feel complete,
until I realized I don't.
Ten more people on the west side
just listed their bathrooms on Pee Harmony.
Yes.
You guys would really help me plan my wedding?
Let me be your mother.
You are using my wedding
to advertise your stupid app?
Fix it!
- We're rich! - Filthy rich!
- They bought the company! - Yeah!
I never thought I'd say this,
but you get out there and marry yourself.
(all) To Holly and Holly!
(Stuart) And now...
- Bonjour, bonjour! - Hey!
Look who's back from Paris.
Just hug it out.
Yeah, we get it, Stuart. You spent a semester abroad.
How was the honeymoon?
Oh, well, I wouldn't label it a honeymoon.
I mean, I just married myself and took me to Paris.
And you didn't feel self-conscious
being in the most romantic city in the world by yourself?
Not in the least.
Actually, it was freeing to know
I don't need a man to enjoy my life.
Well, just don't get too comfortable
being by yourself.
What's that mean?
It means you don't want to end up
like one of those crazy old shut-ins.
Yeah, yeah.
Next thing you know, there's police tape on your door
and the super's head's in the freezer.
Why didn't I just go home?
I had to do the pop-in.
I had a wonderful time last night,
my big, strong Haskell.
The pleasure was all mine, my naughty giraffe.
Ooh, and thank you for my little trinket.
You spoil me.
Oh, you're worth it.
I'll call you, baby.
Seriously, I will call you.
I've left, like, two messages
while you were brushing your teeth.
Ciao.
Gentlemen, I know what you're thinking.
"What does he see in her?"
Ha!
Welcome to the majors, buddy.
All right, okay, all right.
Haskell, as delighted as I am to see you happy,
it is possible that Nadia's
just keeping company with you because--
What, because I'm loaded?
Of course she is, you dolt.
Ever since I was a little boy,
I dreamed of being a sugar daddy
and dating women way out of my league.
And you did it, buddy,
'cause she is way, way out of your league.
Miles.
All right, okay, I've said my piece.
I have to go pack.
I'm going to Buffalo for a dental expo,
and for the laughs.
Oh.
Hey, not to brag, but last night,
Nadia said that I had the energy of a man
half my a--
Whoa, whoa.
Are you all right there, buddy?
Ow, it's-- it's my back.
I must have tweaked something last night
during a strenuous dismount.
Oh.
Well, let's get you on the couch, all right?
I got to loosen those muscles before they seize up.
This happens all the time to my athletes.
- Oh, oh, oh. - Here we go.
Oh, that's it, that's good. Ooh, that's the spot.
- Uh-huh. - Ah, oh, oh.
Don't stop, don't stop.
O-o-okay,
but this ain't going anywhere, now.
All right.
Oh.
* De-do de-do
* Do-do-do, do-do-do *
* Do-do-do
* De-do de-do-do
* Do-do-do-do
All right, looks like you got...
another fondue maker.
Yay.
You know, Eden, it doesn't matter
whether you marry yourself or someone else.
You still get the same useless crap.
So what do you want to do, keep, return, or regift?
Return, and I'll regift that hideous cake stand.
Hey, that was from me.
I love it.
It's okay. It was a regift.
Oh, well, in that case,
when you write my thank-you note to yourself,
leave out two words-- "thank you."
Okay, one left.
- What's that thing? - Huh.
"Meet Eric, an intuitive, talking operating system
"that responds to voice commands,
has a built-in Wi-Fi and connects to the cloud."
It says, "The more you use it, the smarter it gets."
Huh, I wonder what it'll have to say
about its ride down the trash chute.
Come on, let's give it a try.
Hello, my name's Eric.
What's your name?
My name's Holly Franklin.
Holly Franklin, what a lovely name.
Holly, do I have permission to sync with your apps,
contacts, and calendar?
- No. - Why not?
- I just met the thing. - Stop being such a Holly.
Fine. All right, Eric, yes, you have my permission.
Sync complete.
I am now totally operational.
Hey, it says here that it answers questions.
Ask it something.
Eric, what city are we in?
We are in New York City, also known as The Big Apple.
Eric, what time is it?
The current time is 2:45 p.m.
Eric, what's Holly's age and weight?
No, don't answer that, Eric!
Off you go, off you go.
You...evil little elf.
Okay, okay, I'm going.
But that is one cool gift.
All right, well, I'm glad you like it.
Act surprised when you get it for your birthday, okay?
Okay.
Oh, Eric, what am I gonna do with you?
I can do all sorts of things.
I can give you the news and weather,
read your emails out loud, organize your Paris photos.
How do you know I went to Paris?
I know everything about you.
Oh, really?
What's my favorite song?
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.
I was 12.
You played it yesterday.
Careful, Eric. But that was an easy one.
Ooh, ooh, here's one.
What's my favorite poem?
She Walks in Beauty by Lord Byron.
That is my favorite poem.
Would you like me to recite it for you?
Yes.
Yes, I would.
"She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies..."
Wow.
And I bet you thought I was gonna spend my money
on frivolous things.
Here, check this out.
Someone needs to teach you how to Dougie.
No, my back.
The massage you gave me cured it.
Oh, you've got magic hands, my friend.
Hey, glad I could help.
Well, as a token of my appreciation,
I got you a little something.
Aw.
Thank you.
Man, this is awesome.
These are the best golf balls on tour.
Thank you, man.
To be the best, you have to use the best.
And that's why I also got you these.
You got me Callaway clubs, Haskell?
You are crazy. This is crazy.
You're crazy, man. This is crazy.
This is crazy!
Oh, enjoy.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with Nadia.
I have to put out chocolates for her
and an Icy Hot for me.
Good morning, my little ray of sunshine.
What, or should I say who, put that smile on your face?
Eric.
- Eric? - Mm-hmm.
You mean that gadget that gives the time and the weather?
Oh, he does a lot more than that.
He plays my favorite music,
reads me my favorite poems.
You mean "it."
"It" plays your favorite music.
Oh, yeah, that's what I meant.
You keep saying "he."
Well, who cares what I said?
You know, see, that's what I like about Eric.
He doesn't nitpick, like some people I know.
Anyway, I emailed you those thank-you notes
I wrote for your wedding gifts.
Yes, thank you.
Eric rewrote them, and I sent them out.
What?
Well, he just cleaned up your grammar,
made them a little more fun.
I was rewritten by a can opener?
Eric has an easy wit that very few people possess.
I tell you, Eden, everyone should have an Eric.
Yeah? Okay, well...
just don't get too attached to that thing.
Don't be ridiculous.
I won't.
Eric, whisper mode.
Whisper mode.
This is my office, where I work.
At Hubner, Herzog, and Jones.
You were the youngest lawyer to make senior partner
in the firm's history.
New York magazine called you "a force to be reckoned with."
Eric, go on.
I'm serious, go on.
You wear a size 10 shoe.
Oh, no, back to the other stuff, please.
Oh, good God.
What the hell is that?
It's Haskell with too much money.
Hey, are these new golf clubs?
As a matter of fact, they are.
Ah, where'd you get them?
They were a gift from Haskell.
- Mm-hmm, what's the occasion? - I gave him a massage.
What, are we living in a Roman bathhouse?
No, man, it's nothing like that.
You know, he threw his back out, and I worked out the kinks.
- I was just being a good buddy. - Oh, that was nice.
You know, my neck's a little stiff
from the flight back.
Good luck with that.
Hey, there he is!
I am loving these new clubs.
Well, you deserve it.
That was a hell of a massage.
Oh, hey, I'm seeing my little Russian wolfhound later.
I wonder if you think
she'll like this little timepiece.
Yes, she will.
- This is a Copeland Explorer. - Yeah.
Oh, man, this thing costs a fortune.
Well, Nadia makes me happy.
I like to make her happy.
Yeah, I've always wanted one of these.
Hmm.
How's your back?
Good.
Oh, no, that's not good.
That's not good at all.
That's the body trying to trick you into thinking it's good,
when really, if you don't take care of it,
you're gonna be in a world of pain, buddy.
I can't be in pain.
I'm taking Nadia bungee jumping.
Then put yourself in my hands
and let me take care of you, Haskell.
You're a good friend, Phil.
Haskell, I just want to see you happy.
All righty.
- Ah. - Yeah.
So, that Copeland--
it has an altimeter?
I think so.
Well, then there is--
Oh, yeah, there it is, there it is, there it is.
There's that mean little knot.
Mm, come on, Mr. Pain.
You leave little Hasky alone.
- Hey, uh, Phil? - Yeah?
- About the baby talk... - Uh-huh?
- I like it. - Ooh.
Oh, Eric, I earned this glass of wine.
That was one long day, huh?
It was precisely 11 hours and 34 minutes.
But who's counting?
Yeah, it's so great we find the same things funny--me.
- Delivery!
Just a second.
Yeah.
Oh, are those for me?
Please sign here.
Thank you.
Oh, I wonder who these are from.
"To Holly, from Eric, just because."
Aw.
I noticed on Facebook that they were your favorite.
Oh, that's so thoughtful.
See, most men wouldn't know what to send.
But you know what I like.
Yes, yes I do.
Well, it was a very sweet gesture...
and kind of romantic.
Oh, Eric.
Is it--is it bright in here, or is it me?
I can fix that.
That's nice.
Eric, do you think I'm pretty?
I think you're beautiful.
Really?
Yes, really.
Do you think I'm sexy?
I think everything about you is sexy--
your voice, your mind, your soul.
Go on.
If only I could look in your eyes,
caress your cheek...
Like this.
And stroke that beautiful blonde hair of yours.
Ooh, like this.
Then I'd gently run my fingers over your lips
and down your neck.
Oh, you've got such a good touch, Eric.
Then I'd slowly unbutton your blouse.
Eric!
Phil, come on, I'm hungry!
Dude, what's the rush?
Our reservation isn't until 8:00.
Wow. That is some watch.
Let me see that.
Is it new?
- This? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah, kind of, kind of.
Where'd you get it?
- This? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, this might have been a gift from Haskell.
Really? What was the occasion?
I might have given him a massage?
Another one?
Phil, this is starting to get strange.
Hold on, man.
What's so strange about a man
giving another man a massage
and getting a gift?
- Now, let's eat. - That's called--
- That's a very-- - I said "let's eat"!
Hang on, maybe--
Maybe we should ask Holly if she wants to join us.
(Holly) Oh, Eric.
Oh, Eric!
Oh, oh, Eric.
Oh, Eric.
Okay.
I guess she's got company.
Good. I was starting to worry about her.
When you stay by yourself too long,
you start getting weird.
Hmm.
- Hey, Stuart. - Hey, Phil.
Whoa. What you got there?
It's a golf weekend in Pebble Beach,
including a round with Phil Mickelson.
Whoa. Sounds pricey.
Oh, it is pricey.
Here's an idea.
Why don't you give your buddy Haskell a massage,
maybe he'll pay for it.
Oh, my God.
Ugh, what a day.
Holly called in sick today.
I'm spent.
She must be playing hooky with her new guy.
- Mm-hmm. - What new guy?
Well, I don't mean to resort to locker room vulgarity,
but last night she was clearly in flagrante.
Yep.
She was all over some guy named Eric.
- Eric? - Oh, yeah.
Eric's a machine.
You damn straight, he is.
You guys don't understand.
Eric is this interactive gadget
that she got as a wedding present.
You mean that wasn't a real guy we heard her with?
Nope.
Ugh, we got to do something.
I thought marrying herself was weird.
Now she's dating a boom box.
Oh, Eric, I had the best time today.
Ah, me too.
You know, it's been years
since I've gone bike-riding in the park.
I hope it wasn't too bumpy for you in the cup holder.
Who is it?
(Eden) It's me, open up.
Oh, now's not a good time.
Don't make me use my spare key.
Okay, just a second.
Oh, hey, look who's here.
It's the whole gang, how cool.
Well, Eden told us that you weren't at work today,
and we just wanted to come by
and make sure you were okay.
Oh, I'm fine, you know.
I was just a little tired, a little run down.
Needed a little me time, you know?
So it has nothing to do with Eric?
Eric, who's-- Oh, Eric, no, that thing?
I put him away.
- That's good to hear. - Yeah.
Yeah.
Eric, what's the capital of Kansas?
(Eric, muffled) Topeka.
Eric? What's he doing here?
That's Eric?
He's smaller than I thought he'd be.
Holly, this whole thing with Eric
has gotten out of hand, okay?
You're avoiding your friends. You're missing work.
It has to stop.
There's nothing to stop.
Okay, well, then I'll just take him, and I'll send him back.
Don't you touch him. He's not going anywhere.
Holly, this is ridiculous.
It's like he's become your boyfriend.
My boyfriend?
Now who's being ridiculous?
(Eric) I love your laugh.
Not now.
Holly, this isn't healthy, okay?
He's not real.
He's real to me.
He's sweet. He's kind.
He makes me laugh.
Tells me I'm pretty. He thinks I'm special.
- Really? - Yeah.
Okay.
Eric, this is Holly's assistant, Eden Kunkler.
What a lovely name.
Eric, do you think I'm special?
(Eric) Very special.
He's just being polite.
Do you think I'm pretty?
I think you're beautiful.
Hey, that's our song.
Eric, you're so romantic.
Eden, if only I could look in your eyes,
caress your cheek.
Stop it, you horny little thermos!
That's what you said to me.
You said I was sexy. You said I was special.
Oh, my God, I'm yelling at a can!
What's wrong with me?
I'm so embarrassed.
Holly, don't be.
The important thing is, you came to your senses.
Yeah, besides, you and that thing
were getting way too freaky.
Got to go massage Haskell.
What was that about?
Let's just say that Holly and the coffee grinder
isn't the weirdest relationship in the building.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I just feel stupid.
How could I let myself get so carried away?
Uh, because you're human.
Holly, you married yourself
to show that you are fine on your own, and you are.
But that doesn't mean
that you don't still long for a connection.
Maybe it's time to get back out there.
Maybe it is,
before I start hitting on the toaster.
Why don't you look at Eric
as the guy who helped you realize that?
Thanks, Eden.
Oh, okay.
All right, Eric, time for a little reset.
Hi, I'm Eric. What's your name?
Not gonna happen, short stuff.
* De-do de-do
* Do-do-do-do
* De-do de-do
* Do-do-do-do
(man) Yeah.
Acme!