Okay.
Stuart! Hurry up, get out here.
What, is Nicki here?
No, I'm just tired of waiting for the appetizers.
Oh, oh, oh, shh, shh. Quiet. Quiet.
I think I hear someone.
(all) Surprise!
Aw, it's just you.
Wait, a banner, balloons, paté?
How come I never got this when I came back from Europe?
What's so special about Nicki?
I'm back, baby!
[all cheering]
Oh, my God, did you guys do all this for me?
Aw, well, you're worth it.
Oh.
- Did you miss me? - Come on.
Of course you did. Come on, give me a hug.
Hi.
Hi. Oh, you look amazing, very boho chic.
Yeah, and check out that tan, girl.
If you would have stayed two more weeks, we'd be cousins.
[laughs]
Nicki, you look beautiful.
- Oh. - Mwah.
Europe agrees with you.
Thank you. Traveling was the best thing I've ever done.
It opened up my mind, made me look at things differently.
- Hi, doll. - Hello.
Stuart, I was so continental. I ate a snail.
Oh!
I threw it up later, but it still counts.
Okay, so you liked Europe, you hawked up a snail.
Get to the good part. Any wild vacation romance?
Well, as a matter of fact, there was.
(all) Ooh!
A sultry Spaniard?
A rakish Dane?
A hairy Turk?
Actually, a hot Frenchie.
(all) Ooh.
Everyone, I'd like you to meet Sophie.
Bonjour.
Sophie and I met on Santorini.
We didn't want to say good-bye.
And I thought I was being adventurous
wearing shorts to The Vatican.
[upbeat music]
* De-do de-do
*
* Do-do-do, do-do-do
* Do-do-do
* De-do de-do-do
* Do-do-do-do
Hey, there she is, the world traveler.
Have a seat and tell us about the trip.
Greece was amazing.
I have never seen water that blue.
It's bluer than toilet water
when you throw in that cleaning pellet.
[chuckles] Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it's blue.
So tell us about you and the French pastry.
I know, I'm with a woman. Crazy, right?
[laughter] - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, crazy. Spill.
Okay, so there I was on the beach in Santorini
in this little taverna.
The music was playing.
The ouzo was flowing, and the next thing you know,
I'm dancing with this beautiful woman.
And?
And then to my surprise, I'm making out with her.
And?
And then the next thing you know, we're in bed together.
And?
And that's all the "ands" you're gonna get.
Sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry.
It's just, this is all new to us.
Eden and I have never been with a woman, so...
Well, speak for yourself.
What?
I've had a few ladies visit the garden of Eden.
Wait, so I'm the only woman here
who's never been with another woman--
Oh, my God, I'm a 40-year-old her-gin.
Come on, sweetie, I'll buy you a drink...
which is how the last visit to my garden started.
[laughs]
Hey, Stuart, sit down.
We didn't have a chance to catch up at the party.
Well, as host, I had my duties--
circulating the hors d'oeuvres, refilling the drinks--
Avoiding me and Sophie.
That's not true.
Admit it, Stuart-- you were rattled.
You were serving red wine in white-wine glasses.
Of course I was rattled.
It--it's just most people come back from Europe
with an Eiffel Tower snow globe.
You came back with a Sophie.
All I can tell you is, both a lot of fun
when you turn them upside down.
So should I glean from this that you're into women now?
No. No, I'm into Sophie.
She's spontaneous, exciting, loves life.
Anyway, why do you got to label what I am?
No, I'm happy. Isn't that all that matters?
Of course, of course.
- Okay. - Okay.
But you're a happy what?
Okay, you want to know what I am?
I'm a Nicki-doesn't-have-to- explain-herself-to-you-sexual.
What parade do I march in for that?
Really, Beth, you too?
So every girl in our dorm did it with a woman except me?
Even Sally Tuttle with the built-up shoe?
[knock at door]
Okay, I got to go.
Let's check in again in 20 years.
[knock at door] - I'm coming, coming, coming.
- Hey, Phil, what's up? - Hey.
We got your mail by mistake.
Oh, thanks.
By the way, you're waxer is offering a twofer.
- Oh. - Yeah.
I'd be up for that.
Give it.
Hey, uh, I got to talk to you about something.
No can do. Game's about to start.
It's just about women being with other women.
You know, I could always check the highlights.
Oh, okay, you see, ever since Nicki came back with Sophie,
I've been thinking about my own life experiences--
I hear "girl on girl" is in the air.
[laughs]
Really?
- We have an agreement. - Yeah.
All right, all right.
It's just that I've never been with another woman,
you know, so I'm starting to feel
like maybe I've missed out.
Trust me, you have.
Here's the thing. I just--I'm starting to feel
like maybe I should give it a try, you know,
try the ladies' side of the menu.
I say go for it, man. Get out your comfort zone.
Yeah, take a walk on the wild side.
- Embrace it all. - Mm.
So have you guys experimented with other men?
- No way. - Not gonna happen.
What'd you look at me for when you said that?
I wasn't looking at you.
Well, let me tell you something, pretty boy.
You couldn't handle this.
[snapping fingers] I would rock your world.
Hey, Eden. What you eating?
Oh, Reese's Spreads. I'm obsessed.
I'm putting it on pretzels, crackers, apples.
It's even good on spoon.
Could I have some?
You get your own.
What's up, Stuart?
Oh, I'm--I'm meeting Sophie here
to get to know her better.
I just hope I don't say the wrong thing.
I already alienated Nicki
by trying to put a label on her sexuality.
Yeah, nothing pisses off a flexisexual more than a label.
She--she's a flexisexual? That's--
No, no, no, no labels. Mm-mm.
I love my sister, and I'm gonna support her,
no matter what kind of relationship she's in.
Wow. You're a good man, Stuart.
Every polyamorous, bi-curious, sexually fluid woman
should have a metrosexual, vagitarian brother like you.
Thank you for meeting me, Stuart.
Oh, of course.
It's about time I got to know my sister's--
Uh, what? What should I call you--
partner, girlfriend, lady lover?
How about Sophie?
Ah, I like it. Simple and to the point.
I brought you a gift. Nicki says you like wine.
Perhaps we could share a glass?
Oh, très bon!
Tu parles Francais.
C'est tellement agréable que nous avons quelque chose
en commun déjà.
Right back at ya. [laughs]
[clears throat] Oh.
Oh, this is exquisite.
- Mm. - Mmm.
I'm glad you like it.
It's from my family's vineyard in Bordeaux.
You have a vineyard... in Bordeaux?
Would it be awkward if I also dated you?
[both laughing]
You are so funny.
Nicki said you had a stick up y--
It's not important.
You know, Sophie, I'm really glad we got together
and not just because of this incredible wine.
Yes, it's getting a lot of attention.
They're serving it at a special dinner
at some art gallery tomorrow.
Not the pop-up restaurant at the Gagosian Gallery?
- That's it. - Oh, my God.
The best chefs in the city are gonna be there.
Yeah, they're making a 12-course tasting menu.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime event.
It's like a gastronomic Halley's Comet.
[chuckles] Ah, it's impossible to get in.
Not if you know someone, and, look, you do.
Why don't you come as my guest?
- Ah! - Ah!
Sorry. Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
It's j-- that's just incredible.
Oh, Sophie, of all my sister's boyfriends,
I like you the best.
[chuckles]
[knock at door]
- Hey. - Hey, Stuart.
What'd you want to see me about?
Oh, I just had the most wonderful afternoon.
Oh, yeah? What'd you do--
watch that special again on gowns of the First Ladies?
No, I had an incredible time with Sophie.
She's charming. She's funny.
Do you know her family owns a vineyard?
She is a keeper.
I think I'm gonna break up with her.
What?
Yeah, I mean, in Greece, it was perfect.
It was romantic and new,
but now that I've been back in the city a few days,
the magic has kind of worn off.
So what are you saying? You're not gay in New York?
Okay, would you stop with the labels?
I mean, she's such a wonderful person.
I don't want to lead her on.
I thi-- I'm gonna tell her tonight.
Tonight? As in the night before tomorrow night?
How could you do this to me--her?
Look, you need to give it some time.
- How much time? - 48 hours.
Okay, where'd you pluck that number from?
You just flew all the way from Greece,
and your emotions are jet-lagged.
They need at least a couple of days to get their bearings.
Mm. Well, I have noticed that I am peeing at odd hours.
There you go. You see? There you go.
All right, I'll tell you what-- why don't you and Sophie
come over tonight for dinner?
And you know, we'll just hang out, relax, no pressure.
That sounds nice. I mean, maybe I am being a little hasty.
Exactly.
Okay.
[sighs]
- What are you doing? - Got to pee again.
[sighs]
It's busy tonight, huh?
Ah.
Can I buy you a drink?
Mm.
Oh. Me?
You want to buy me a drink?
If that's okay.
Of course it's okay. It's more than okay.
I'm Holly.
I'm Janet. Nice to meet you, Holly.
You have beautiful hair.
Oh, thanks. You have pretty eyes.
Oh, well, that's 'cause they like what they're seeing.
Ha! You're a smooth one.
- Oh. [cell phone chimes]
Ah, no, it's work.
[scoffs] I have to go.
Oh.
How about we meet up later for that drink?
How about we do that?
How about I come over to your place?
My place?
You want to come to my place?
Cool. Yeah, no problem. Let me give you my deets.
[chuckles] Okay.
There they are. Okay.
All right, I will see you...
- Ooh. - Later.
All right. [chuckling]
I got me a woman date. [clicks tongue]
Aha. There they are, the lovebirds.
Stuart, it is so sweet of you to have us over for dinner.
I hope you didn't go to too much trouble.
No trouble at all.
No trouble? There's a frickin' boat in here.
It reminds me of Greece.
Oh, good. I was afraid you wouldn't get it.
Yes, Greece, where the god Eros
first smiled upon you two.
Zorbatinis?
Yes, I'll take one.
Question is, how many have you had?
[chuckles]
And, please, try the spanakopita.
Ooh. [chuckles]
Zorbatinis, spanakopita-- grow out your beard,
and you could have been our waitress in Greece.
[both laughing]
And what's that I hear?
Ocean waves crashing on the beach?
[crashing waves playing on recording]
Excuse me, Zorba, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please?
Okay.
Sophie, make yourself at home.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm doing a nice calamari in a white-wine sauce,
followed by a light moussaka.
No, I'm talking about the lost city of Atlantis
you got going out there.
I'm--I'm just trying to create a mood
and remind you of why you fell in love
with that beautiful woman in the first place.
Why? Why is it so important to you?
Why? Why?
Because you're my sister and I want you to be happy,
and if that's a crime,
then lock me up and throw away the key!
Believe me, I'm tempted.
Just dial it down, okay?
- Okay, okay, all right. - All right.
We're back.
Maybe we should turn down the ocean a bit.
Thank you, Stuart.
So we can turn up the music.
[traditional Greek music playing]
Ah?
And what's music without dance?
Oh.
- Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. - Ooh!
Okay.
[humming]
Ha!
Couples only.
- Oh. - [chuckles]
And now I shall slip quietly away towards the ocean.
And hopefully you'll get caught in a riptide
and pulled out to sea.
Your brother is very enthusiastic.
Well, that's--that's a nice way of putting it.
Sophie, can we talk for a second??
Of course.
[chuckles]
If you just-- Yeah.
- Let me just-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right. Okay.
[sighs]
Sophie...
you, you're wonderful.
I have never met anyone like you.
You've opened up my whole world.
My vacation with you was a like a fantasy,
but now that I've been back,
I just-- I don't feel the same.
I know.
You do?
Yes, I felt you pulling away.
Nicki, I've had a wonderful time with you.
I don't regret any of it.
Me either.
I'm going to miss you.
- I'm going to miss you. - [chuckles]
It's probably best that I leave tonight.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- Thank you. - Oh.
- Damn it! - Oh.
We--I'd better apologize to Stuart.
I said I'd take him to this pop-up restaurant.
I'm sorry. Pop-up what?
An exclusive dinner prepared by famous chefs.
Unfortunately, he cannot get in without me.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
Uh, and when was this pop-up thing?
- Tomorrow night. - Tomorrow night?
You know what, Sophie? You go ahead,
and I will catch up with you in a little while, okay?
What about Stuart?
Oh, don't worry. I'll take care of him.
[laughs]
Everybody decent?
[chuckles]
Where's Sophie?
She left. Um, she went to pack.
She's leaving tonight.
Tonight? No, she can't go tonight. It's--
Oh, Stuart, I know you're down,
but you'll pop up!
Ooh, God. Excuse me?
- You selfish son of a bitch! - Ow! Ow!
I can't believe you manipulated me into staying with her
just so she could take you to some stupid restaurant.
It's not stupid. Nicki, It's a pop-up.
It's a pop-up!
Oh, really?
The best chefs in the whole city are gonna be there!
Well, guess who's not gonna be there.
Ah!
Me?
That's right, cupcake.
Ooh, God.
Jeez.
[knock at door]
Uh, j-just a second. Mm.
[exhales deeply] Let's get 'er done.
Hi.
Hi, Holly.
Hi, Janet. Welcome.
Oh, thanks.
Your place is beautiful...
like you.
Ah, thanks. I recently had it feng shui-ed.
- I had a Groupon, so it-- - Oh.
Wine, let's have some wine, huh?
Oh, wine-- wine would be nice.
Um, let's make a toast.
Okeydoke.
To--to chance encounters
and wherever they may lead.
Where, indeed.
[both chuckle]
So I was wond-- Oh. Mm.
Hello. [clears throat]
You know, Janet, um, I was thinking I--
Oh, we're going in again. Mm.
Oh, okay. Oh.
Oh, I guess I'm up. Okay.
[sobs]
I can't do this.
What? What did I do it wrong?
Oh, I-- Holly, the truth is, um...
I've never--I've never been with a woman before.
What?
Oh, God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I led you on.
I thought I could do it!
I mean, all the girls in my book club have done it.
Janet, it's okay.
We get a lot like you. Mm-hmm.
First-timers who want to take a walk on the wild side
and prove that they can do it.
Was I that obvious?
Oh, only to those of us in the know, so...
[chuckles]
I feel so embarrassed,
not to mention boring and conventional.
Hey, don't say that.
You got out of your comfort zone.
You kissed another woman and enjoyed her ample breasts.
Yeah, I did, didn't I?
[both laughing]
You know what?
I've changed my mind. I think I want to do this.
No, no, no, you don't.
- No, I-I do. - No.
I mean, you've made me feel so comfortable,
and, you know, I know that you'll be gentle.
Oh, no, I'll be very rough. I--
- Okay, be rough. - Ow! Ow!
Be naughty. Teach me, Holly.
- Oh. - Teach me.
Okay.
All right, that's enough. Yep.
- What? No. - Yep, yep, yep, yep.
You go home and you work on what we've done here.
Huh.
Well, uh, okay.
Yeah.
When can we do this again?
Well, I'll be in touch.
You go, and you, um-- you cherish the memories,
and never forget I was your first.
[laughs]
Do you remember your first, Holly?
Like it just happened.
Nicki, words cannot express how sorry I am.
I am a terrible, awful person.
Keep going. I'll tell you when to stop.
- Are you okay? - Ah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
I should have never brought Sophie back with me.
I just wanted to keep my vacation going, you know?
I just liked who I was there.
I wasn't just Nicki from Staten Island.
First of all, I like Nicki from Staten Island,
and now you're that and so much more.
I mean, You traveled the world by yourself,
had amazing experiences.
You brought back a girlfriend, for flip's sake!
You know what? You're right.
I am a hip, savvy woman who embraces everything.
- Yeah. - Viva la difference.
Actually, vive la différence.
Okay, I'm not in the mood for that.
Sorry. Understood.
I did it. I'm in the club.
You hooked up with a woman?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I met my lady in a bar.
And?
And we went back to my place.
And?
And we kissed.
And?
What are you, a bunch of school kids?
Hey, Nicki, I got to second base with a woman!
I touched a boob!
[upbeat music]
* De-do de-do
*
* Do-do-do, do-do-do Do-do-do *
* De-do de-do
* Do-do-do-do
(man) Yeah.
Acme! [coughs]