[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
- [HEARTBEATS] - [SIREN WAILS]
Subtitle By: MARSH-MARIE
[JESS] Somebody help!
Somebody help, please!
[FOUNDRY] Back up!
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA]
[CLAY] That was a week ago.
[HEART MONITOR BEEPS]
He's been in the hospital ever since.
Intensive care.
[ELLMAN] Your mother called to cancel your Tuesday appointment.
She told me some of what Justin's facing.
Yeah, it's not great.
How does it make you feel?
What the fuck does it matter what I feel?
I think it matters a great deal.
- You know that. - I don't know that!
I don't know anything. We talk and talk, and nothing happens,
and I still feel like I'm gonna spin off the face of the fucking Earth,
then we keep talking, and we don't get anywhere!
You don't think we made any progress these past few months?
No! I just... All of this just seems so...
I don't know! Like selfish!
Talking about feelings...
to you...
when Justin is... is...
is sick.
Because what he's going through is so serious.
And what you're going through seems less important now
because his life hangs in the balance.
Yes.
But in the work we do together,
in trying to help you get well,
doesn't your own life hang in the balance?
[CLICKS TONGUE]
[WHISPERS] Yes.
So let's keep working.
Do you wanna tell me how it's been at the hospital?
[WOMAN] Justin has given me permission
to discuss his treatment and diagnosis with you.
I'm afraid I have some difficult news to share.
Justin has tested positive for HIV-1.
And based on his symptoms, we believe...
it has progressed to AIDS.
- That's... - [SNIFFLES]
[MATT] How is that possible?
He... he had the flu.
He's been tired.
Well, HIV has a long period of latency after infection,
which means that Justin may not have shown any symptoms
for some time.
With his IV drug use and extended periods of homelessness,
this would have made him more susceptible
to rapid progression.
And according to his records, he was never tested.
How... how has he never been tested?
We got him the best GP. He had a complete physical.
[DOCTOR] Testing requires patient consent.
It's not uncommon for a young man with a history of IV drug use and sex work
to avoid testing.
Sex work?
Justin never spoke to you about the time he spent homeless?
Not about that part, no.
The pneumocystis pneumonia has an indolent presentation,
which means that the symptoms develop slowly over some weeks,
and there was a late diagnosis...
There is also a neurological infection.
A fungal meningitis that has not advanced quite so far,
but is pervasive.
[HEART MONITOR BEEPS]
Hey.
- Hey. [CHUCKLES] - [CLAY] Um...
How is it today?
[JUSTIN] Uh, it's like yesterday.
Just a little worse.
[JUSTIN CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
Uh, so, there's, like, a lineup of people who'd like to see you,
but I understand if you don't wanna see them.
And I've organized a list and given time limits, and...
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Of course you have.
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
Yeah, sure.
Bring it on.
I'll send in the first appointment.
[CLAY SIGHS]
[EXHALES SLOWLY]
Listen, the, uh...
The doctor was talking us through stuff, and, uh...
[ALEX] Hey.
- I'm sorry, Charlie made me. - [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS WHEEZILY]
Charlie can come in too.
See, I told you he wouldn't mind both of us at once.
- [ALEX] I'll put it here. - Uh...
They wouldn't let us bring in any flowers, so...
So, giant bears. Basically, the same thing.
[ALL LAUGH]
- [CHARLIE] His name's Tiger. - [ALEX] This is a panda.
- [JUSTIN LAUGHS] Tiger panda. - [ALEX] Yeah.
[JUSTIN] I like it.
[CLAY] It's like the whole world just shifted out from under our feet.
Like the darkness just closed in.
Prom pictures.
Some good ones of you and Estela.
You should frame one for her.
Oh, wow.
Wow, these are really great.
Hey, thank you.
I know it was Jessica...
who killed Bryce.
And I know Clay and Ani and some group of you framed Monty.
I almost have what I need to go to the police.
But I don't have to include you.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
You got it all wrong.
You don't really know anything,
and Jessica and Clay and Ani,
they're my friends.
So anything you do to them, you do to me too.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[WIND HOWLING]
I think he was ashamed.
That's why he didn't tell you?
I... I wouldn't have, like, judged.
[JESS] It's not that.
It just...
It takes time.
To deal with what is.
[MESSAGE ALERT PINGS]
Zach's downstairs.
He says he can't come in.
Fucking Zach.
Hey.
Hey, what the fuck?
- All right, get upstairs. - I can't, man. I just...
Hospitals. [CLEARS THROAT, SNIFFS]
You need to see him.
Man, I watched my dad die in this hospital.
Yeah?
Yeah, me and my dad brought my mom home from this hospital
so she could die in her own bed.
[ZACH SNIFFS]
And you know what? Right now, your best friend is really sick upstairs,
and if you don't go see him,
you are gonna regret this for the rest of your fucking life!
I can't, man. [SNIFFLES]
- I can't. - [CHARLIE SCOFFS]
[CLAY] Like, prom was actually our last chance at being kids.
Then all of a sudden,
playtime over.
There's no more hiding from it,
what's out there.
Hi. I was really surprised you texted me.
It was me.
I killed Bryce Walker.
- You're lying. - [ALEX] No.
I found him on the pier. I was alone.
I tried to help him up. He threatened to hurt Zach.
I shoved him in the river. He drowned.
- Alex. - [ALEX] Yeah, so...
that information is yours now.
Do what you want with it.
- [HEART MONITOR BEEPS] - [VENTILATOR DRAWS IN AIR]
[DOCTOR CLEARS THROAT]
The ventilator breathes for him.
It keeps his blood oxygenated and helps protect against organ failure.
How long does he have to be on it?
[DOCTOR CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, honey...
He may never be able to breathe without it again.
So, like, when he gets out of the hospital?
[DOCTOR] The disease in his lungs is quite advanced.
And we're also starting to see advanced neurological symptoms.
The goal is to keep him as comfortable as possible
and manage the symptoms as best as we can.
[PANTING]
Honey! Clay?
I feel like I just... I need some air. [PANTING]
- [MATT] Clay! - [LAINIE] Does he just need some space?
Should we give him space?
Now? Is that really a good idea?
[LAINIE SNIFFLES]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
Whoa! Clay! Clay, what happened? Is everything OK?
What do you fucking think, Zach?
He's never getting any better! He's fucking dying!
Should we go after him?
[SIGHS] Jesus, I don't know.
Where'd he go?
Uh, up the street, that way.
- Where's he going? What's down there? - No clue, Mr. Jensen.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[CLAY] And we can't stop it. We can't stop it.
We can't.
We're spinning and spinning, and we're about to disappear.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
[QUIETLY] I, um...
I have a gun.
[YELLS] I said I have a gun!
[PANICKED SHRIEKING]
And I'll fucking use it if I have to,
so everybody back the fuck up!
I have a gun. I have a gun!
Clay. [SHUSHES]
[DIAZ] Clay, hey. Hey, what's going on here?
I... I have a gun.
All right, well, let's just take a breath here.
Slowly take your hands outta your pockets so no one gets hurt.
People are already hurt!
Nobody pays for the things that happen! No one ever pays! And someone should!
You must hurt so much.
Put the gun down, and we'll talk about it. OK?
Clay?
- Clay! - [DIAZ] Get down!
Hey, get down!
Clay! What the fuck?
Put your guns down! Guys, put your guns down!
- Guns down, everybody! - [CLAY] Tony?
Put your guns down.
Hey, Clay.
Clay, listen to me, buddy.
I know you're going through a lot right now.
I know you've been through a lot.
More than any kid should ever have to deal with.
But listen to me.
Everyone in this room? Every one of those deputies?
Everyone wants the same thing,
and that's for you to be safe.
To stay alive. OK?
Tony... He's your best friend, right?
Tony wants you to be safe.
And that's all that matters right now.
I can't promise that it gets better right away.
But the only chance we have,
the only way things can start to feel better...
is if you give me that gun.
OK?
I promise you, no one will hurt you.
Just give me the gun.
You can talk to me.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
[CLAY BREATHES SHAKILY]
[SOBS QUIETLY]
[DIAZ] It's OK.
All right.
[SOBS LOUDLY]
[DIAZ] All right.
[WAILING SOBS]
[ELLMAN] Did you feel that you wanted to die?
[CLAY] No, that wasn't it.
I just...
I wanted someone to...
To notice you.
To see you were hurting.
Yeah.
[DIAZ] All right, buddy.
[PATS CLAY] All right, I'm here.
You're safe.
- [CLAY] We talked for a while... - [DIAZ] It's all right.
Me and the Sheriff.
He didn't bust me for pulling that stunt.
And it was, like,
almost like he understood.
Understood what?
[CLAY] That I was freaking out. And why.
And I realized that all that attention he'd been giving me this spring?
Like, showing up at school and meeting with my parents,
he was worried about me.
And that surprises you.
I mean, he arrested me once.
But in both cases, then and now,
wasn't he just doing his job?
Yeah. And... And I think maybe he's pretty good at his job.
In a...
sneaky, manipulative way.
Like you.
I'll take the compliment.
[CLAY] After that, he, um, put me and Tony in a room while he talked to my dad.
Tony had been in a street fight.
I'm not sure if they put me in here to look after you or the other way around.
We haven't been doing that so great for each other lately.
[ELLMAN] How's Justin doing now?
Not better.
[CLAY] There's this thing. I mean, I've been calling it hospital time.
You lose track of days.
It's all one long day.
Time moves so slowly, and then a week has gone by.
And I think it's got everyone messed up.
The waiting.
The not knowing.
Or the knowing.
[ZACH GROANS LIGHTLY]
Something tells me you boys aren't here to party.
Oh... OK.
Whoa! Hey, that's a single barrel small batch Corlett. What the fuck?
Fuckin' bourbon, guys. You can't even tell the difference!
There are two more in the car, black.
You're gonna get those in you, and go see Justin.
All right, look,
Mothers Teresa.
Learn to know a lost cause when you see one, like me.
Like Justin.
[SIGHS] OK, Zach.
Do you remember on the rooftop? The night I kissed you?
- You kissed him? - It was a shit show. I'll explain later.
- But you remember that night? - Yeah.
[ALEX] OK. That kiss was embarrassing. It was a disaster.
But right before that,
when I almost fell,
you pulled me back from the ledge.
And I'll never forget the feeling of your hands grabbing me
and keeping me safe.
I needed it. I didn't know it.
And now you need it.
[SIGHS]
The kiss wasn't a disaster, it was a nice kiss, per se.
- Wait, it was? - Yeah. Yeah.
I don't love Justin, but I love you, and you love him.
So what the fuck, Zach?
♪ If I showed up ♪
♪ In the shape of a storm ♪
♪ Would you recognize me? ♪
♪ If I knew how I would make myself known... ♪
[CLAY] I guess it's like high school, in its way.
It seems like I was a freshman a decade ago.
But then it seems like yesterday.
I don't know where all that time went.
I don't know what we do now.
[CALEB] Here he is now.
Who are you talking to?
It's, uh...
It's your dad.
Antonio! [CHUCKLES]
How's your friend?
He's not good, papá.
[ARTURO] You good to be there for him.
You're a good friend.
That's always important, m'hijo.
I guess... I guess so, yeah.
But you have to think about yourself sometimes.
Caleb told me about the college offer.
He did?
[ARTURO] Damn proud of you.
It's time, m'hijo.
It's time you sell the shop and get on with your life.
We can't afford that, papá.
We have work here.
We're gonna be fine.
The shop is your dream.
[ARTURO] Listen to me.
That shop...
was never my dream.
You...
You are my dream.
Why do we do everything?
So that you can have a better life than we did.
This is your better life, m'hijo.
Don't fuck up my dream.
[CLAY] Ancient history is somehow present tense.
Everything is ending, but nothing is over.
And none of us knows how to make sense of the jumble of things that happened.
I win.
Come on, why the silent treatment?
I'm just here to pay my respects to Justy.
You killed him.
Yeah, I did.
I don't rape Hannah, none of us are here, right?
He doesn't run away.
Doesn't start shooting up.
Letting men fuck him.
How can one person cause so much pain?
Look in the mirror.
- You let me die. - You deserved to die.
Yeah, maybe.
But here we are.
You probably have it too.
Fuck you.
[SNICKERS] Yeah.
- I win. - [CLAY] Jess.
Um... he's up.
If you wanna say hey.
He can't say anything back, but he writes, so...
- If... if you want to. - Yeah.
["SALESMAN AT THE DAY OF THE PARADE" BY ROGUE WAVE PLAYS]
[CLAY] You start to wonder if anything meant anything.
If all we're doing is reacting,
and the reactions don't even make any difference.
I got into Brown.
That crazy interview?
Didn't even matter.
So if nothing fucking matters, like, why bother?
[FOUNDRY] How's Justin doing?
[CLAY] He's not any better.
[FOUNDRY] I'm so sorry.
I've lost, in my life, a number of friends...
and one very good friend to that disease.
I'm very sorry.
Thank you.
I'm sure you're not thinking about graduation right now, but... [SIGHS]
It's my duty to tell you that you have been voted class speaker.
What?
Me? Uh...
How?
Apparently, your classmates think you have something relevant to say to them.
I imagine it might have something to do with your sermon on the car
at the disturbance a few weeks ago.
That's, uh...
[CLICKS TONGUE] That wasn't really me.
[FOUNDRY] Then reach out to whoever it was 'cause he's needed on stage June 22nd.
I need to review his speech in advance,
just to ensure it doesn't start any riots, that sorta thing.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Congratulations, Clay.
[CLAY] It doesn't make any sense. I have nothing to say.
Well, your classmates disagree.
And as someone who's been talking to you for many weeks now,
I think you have a great deal to say.
Who's the signature?
Ah, you probably haven't heard of him.
Lindsey Buckingham.
Fleetwood Mac.
Although I prefer his solo stuff.
I do too.
You think I'm stalling?
[ELLMAN] Are you stalling?
What kind of bullshit speech can I give?
I can't... I can't get up there and say, like,
"Hope for the future! And the best days are ahead!"
I mean, Jesus!
Justin is lying there in that hospital.
He's never coming out, he's dying,
and I'm supposed to give some speech about the future?
There is no future!
It's hard to think about your own future when Justin's future is so uncertain.
Oh, my God, if you continue on with that fucking calm tone,
I'm gonna lose it. I'm gonna... I'm gonna fucking lose it!
OK.
Now you're just messing with me. [SIGHS]
No, Clay. I'm not.
Honest, I'm just saying that...
it's OK...
in here... with me...
if you lose it a little bit.
[BREATHES SHAKILY]
[SCOFFS]
[SIGHS]
[SNIFFLES]
[CLAY SIGHS]
Look, to give a speech,
about anything, you have to make some kind of sense.
And nothing makes sense.
- [CLAY] And all the pieces are just... - [DOOR OPENS]
Scattered all over the floor.
I ran to Monet's. I just...
Hospital coffee.
I couldn't anymore.
Good call.
[SIGHS]
I keep thinking this'll get easier, and it just gets harder.
Every day of this.
Well, you don't want it to start to feel normal, do you?
No. [CHUCKLES]
[MATT] I remember my grandfather dying when I was 14.
My first experience of it.
And you...
You've looked at death too many times for a young person.
Your generation, it's...
it's not right.
I'm sorry if I scared you the other night.
I won't scare you ever again.
Clay... [MATT CHUCKLES]
Since the day your mom gave birth, and the doctor put you in my arms,
I've been terrified.
[CHUCKLES]
But we'll get through it.
I keep telling myself that.
[MATT] You know, high school,
it's different today.
But in many ways, not.
High school has always been something to be survived.
But it can be.
I'm living proof.
Yeah.
[MATT] And there's joy too, right?
I hope you've known joy.
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]
Yeah, I have, Dad.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
[CLAY] It's not just me.
It's everyone I know.
Hey!
Welcome back.
I'm here to do my service hours. They said you asked for me?
I did. I did. Uh...
You can help me clean out the equipment room
and, uh, update the playbooks.
And I wanna offer you a job.
I heard you're sticking around town next year,
and I want you to coach tight ends.
Me?
- A coach? - [KERBA] Yeah, for sure.
You know the game.
You know how to set an example.
I... I don't know about that.
[KERBA] Eh. I do. Summer coaches' meetings start
day after graduation.
I'ma need you sober, OK?
Yeah, I mean...
for sure.
And I'll need you to graduate.
Can you do that?
Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.
Figured out that it takes effort not to graduate.
Yeah.
All right, uh, let's get to work.
Thank you... for the letter.
I found it in my file in Foundry's office.
I just, um...
[ZACH UNFOLDS PAPER]
"Let me tell you about the Zach Dempsey I know."
One of the finest young men I've had the opportunity to coach.
Zach led our team...
"with fortitude and empathy on and off the field."
Yeah.
You know, Foundry asked me why you'd steal that.
Told him I didn't know why.
Because I can't live up to this.
- Everything that you've said. - Of course you can. You already have.
[CLAY] I don't know anyone who can turn what's happened
into a neat little story.
[DOCTOR] The brain infection is advancing quickly.
And I'm afraid it might be a good time to take Justin off the ventilator,
at least for a few hours, so he can speak to you,
and you to him.
You... You mean...
[LAINIE SOBS QUIETLY]
Yeah.
[DOCTOR] As I understand it, Mr. Jensen,
uh, Justin has made you the medical POA,
and he signed a living will with a DNR order.
Yes.
[DOCTOR] The palliative care doctor visited Justin,
and Justin participated in a discussion about his priorities
by writing down his wishes.
["HALF GATE" BY GRIZZLY BEAR PLAYS]
[DOCTOR] He would like to be
as comfortable as possible...
♪ I have nothing left to hear ♪
♪ I'm chasing all the words ♪
♪ But everything you say I only see ♪
♪ But honestly it's fine ♪
♪ When I mention how I love you... ♪
Hi!
Hey. [LABORED BREATHING]
[JUSTIN] Jess.
Don't cry.
I'm so sorry. I'm so...
I thought I could be strong. I...
Come here.
[JUSTIN BREATHES WHEEZILY]
[JESS SOBS QUIETLY]
[JUSTIN] You're...
so strong.
- [LABORED BREATHING] - [SOBBING]
You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
[GASPING] You're...
out of your mind.
I ruined your fucking life.
No.
You taught me what love is.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - [CHUCKLES] Yes.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[LAUGHTER TURNS INTO SOBBING]
[JUSTIN EXHALES SLOWLY]
OK.
[JESS SNIFFLES]
You always have that.
[JESS WHIMPERS, SOBS]
- OK? - OK.
- OK, Jess? - [SOBBING] OK.
[SNIFFLES]
- [JUSTIN EXHALES SLOWLY] - [SNIFFLES]
[JESS WHIMPERS]
["HALF GATE" BY GRIZZLY BEAR PLAYS]
♪ At the end of the line ♪
♪ It's as if there's no time at all ♪
♪ Nothing left to win ♪
♪ Every pleasure burned to the wick ♪
♪ Content to be alone ♪
♪ A quiet picture drawn ♪
♪ Each day before it ends... ♪
[LABORED BREATHING]
Um...
Zach's going to coach at Liberty next year.
Kerba asked him.
That's awesome.
I'm... I'm so sorry, Justin. I don't know how to do this.
[JUSTIN BREATHES SHAKILY]
Hey.
[CHUCKLES]
You're doing...
You're doing it great. [COUGHS]
[LABORED BREATHING]
Thank you for saving my life.
Like, more times than you know.
[SIGHS SADLY]
I love you.
[LABORED BREATHING]
I love...
[GROANS] I love...
love you...
you too, man. [CHUCKLES]
[GASPING BREATHS]
[SNIFFLES] I'm sorry.
[SNIFFLES] Um...
[SNIFFLES, SIGHS]
Are you afraid?
Yeah.
I am.
[COUGHS]
[SOBS]
[SNIFFLES, BREATHES SHAKILY]
Will you hold...
Will you hold my hand...
bro?
[BOTH CHUCKLE, SOB]
Yeah.
["WASHING OF THE WATER" PLAYS] ♪ River, river, carry me on ♪
♪ Living river, carry me on ♪
♪ River, river, carry me on ♪
♪ To the place where I come from ♪
♪ So deep ♪
♪ So wide ♪
♪ Will you take me on your back ♪
♪ For a ride? ♪
♪ If I should fall ♪
♪ Would you swallow me deep inside? ♪
♪ River, show me how to float ♪
♪ I feel like I'm sinking down ♪
♪ Thought that I could get along ♪
♪ But here in this water ♪
♪ My feet won't touch the ground ♪
♪ I need something ♪
♪ To turn myself around... ♪
[MACHINE BEEPS FRANTICALLY, FLATLINES]
♪ ...Away toward the sea ♪
♪ River deep ♪ [DOOR OPENS]
♪ Can you lift up and carry me? ♪
[BEEPING STOPS]
[LAINIE SOBS]
♪ Oh roll on through the heartland ♪ [LAINIE SNIFFLES]
♪ Till the sun has left the sky ♪
♪ River, oh, river ♪
♪ River running deep ♪
♪ Bring me something ♪
[KISSES]
♪ That will let me get to sleep ♪
[SOBS QUIETLY]
♪ In the washing of the water ♪
♪ Will you take it all away? ♪
♪ Bring me something ♪
♪ To take this pain away ♪
[CLAY] After all that,
after... everything,
this is how it ends.
My mom asked me if I wanted to say something at Justin's funeral.
I wanted to, for him, but I couldn't.
What could I say?
Running theme, huh?
[TONY SIGHS]
[GROANS, INHALES SHARPLY]
I wish there was something I could say or do.
[SIGHS]
Yeah.
What is there?
Thank you for wanting to, though.
You always make things better.
[SCOFFS]
I just show up, man. That's all I do.
Always.
More than I have for you.
No.
No, we show up for each other.
[SIGHS]
No one gets through this life alone, man.
No.
[INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES]
[INAUDIBLE]
What's he doing here?
I don't know.
I hope he's showing his respects.
[BREATHES SHAKILY] I don't know if I can do this.
OK, we'll just take it slow. We don't have to sit up front.
No.
No, I don't...
I don't know if I can do any of this anymore.
We're all supposed to just...
keep waking up and putting on our clothes
and carrying on conversations and listening to people
while they talk about how God works in mysterious ways,
and I just don't fucking know if I can do it anymore!
- OK, I think this is the hardest thing... - [SNIFFLES]
that anyone could ever go through.
But I also think you are a lot stronger than you realize.
- He made me strong. - No!
You are.
All on your own.
Maybe you made each other stronger, but it's in you.
I've seen it.
[CHUCKLES SADLY]
OK.
[INHALES SHAKILY, EXHALES DEEPLY]
[PASTOR] How did we get here?
Again?
We made a cruel world.
My generation, my parents' generation.
Too little caring.
Too much hate,
anger, and hurt.
We talk a good game about protecting our children,
but we leave too much on the table that might surely save their lives.
Justin Foley died of a disease
that, from its inception,
thrives in silence.
And there are a number of such diseases,
a number of ills that thrive when we are silent about them.
Because we let our fears, our shame,
our twisted moral codes keep us in silence,
as death stalks more children.
I say, enough.
Enough shifting blame.
Enough pointing fingers.
Enough confusing those who report the damage
with those who cause it.
Let us remember Justin for his accomplishments
on the football field and the basketball court.
Let us remember his smile
that I am told melted a hundred hearts.
But let's also remember his death
with sorrow and determination
that spur us...
to action.
Amen.
Um...
I...
I'm not sure I can do this. Uh...
[SIGHS]
Um...
Uh...
I believe...
[STAMMERING] I believe...
I believe Justin Foley helped save my life.
I didn't like him.
And he didn't like me.
But...
when I needed him,
he helped me.
Um...
Sorry, I'm... [VOICE CATCHES]
Go. Go get him.
[CLAY] Alex tried to say something...
- [BILL] You all right? - Yeah.
OK, let's go sit down.
[CLAY] ...as much as he could.
But there's so much none of us could ever say.
Last time I was up here,
I said I was my brother's keeper.
That we all are.
Even though I didn't live up to that.
Justin hated running.
Coach Kerba would make him do a mile, and he would bitch
- and complain... - [CHUCKLES]
the whole time.
Coach Kerba would tell him that pain
is the feeling of weakness leaving the body.
But we're all weak, I think.
But we're trying to be stronger.
And the pain that we are feeling today...
is to remind us every day...
to do better.
To be better.
- [ZACH] A few of us are going to Monet's. - [JESS] I'm gonna head home, I think.
I'm with my folks.
[MOURNFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
[CLAY] After the funeral, I couldn't move.
Couldn't even stand.
Stuck.
This is my life now.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
[MOURNFUL MUSIC CONTINUES]
[JESS BREATHES SHAKILY]
Um... Can I...
I just wanted to say...
I think you saved my life too.
More than anyone.
So, thank you.
And I was mean to you when you got back.
I didn't even think about everything you were going through.
But anyway, I'm...
I'm sorry.
And thank you.
Alex.
I'm just...
I'm just really happy to be alive right now.
[ANI] Yeah.
Me too.
[DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS]
Can we...
Can we talk?
Yeah.
[CLAY] And what if the past follows us everywhere?
What if we can never get away from it?
Can I ask you,
why'd you do it?
Yeah. OK.
Zach had hurt him pretty bad, he'd broken his leg, his arm.
He begged me to help him up, so I did.
And then he started on about how he was gonna ruin Zach's life,
which he already had done.
And he was just spewing all this shit.
And I saw this...
anger.
I didn't see any soul or anything.
I just didn't.
And then I realized that he had ruined everyone I ever loved.
And I got this...
this flash of rage.
Ever since my TBI, I get these flares, like, I go red.
And then I pushed him off the dock.
[WINSTON INHALES SHARPLY]
Are you sorry you did it?
More than I can ever say.
Was Jessica with you?
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]
[SIGHS] Did you ever really like me?
Yeah. Yes.
You opened up a new world for me.
You helped me figure out stuff about myself.
I loved being with you.
[SIGHS]
Yeah, me too.
[WINSTON INHALES SHAKILY]
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
I'm not gonna do anything.
I thought I was...
because...
[INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY]
Because I loved Monty.
I knew him somehow.
I swear I did.
But I loved you too.
And I am trying not to...
but I still fucking do.
OK.
Thank you.
Can I hug you?
[WINSTON SNIFFLES]
All right.
It's done. The sales papers are drawn up. All it needs is a buyer's signature.
Tony, that's great.
- Right? - I don't know!
I... I... I don't know if it's great!
I don't know what to think!
Fuck!
Second thoughts are natural, but this is a solid plan, Tony.
This is safe.
No plan in this fucking world is safe, Caleb.
Safe is not a word I believe in anymore.
[CALEB] OK. OK. But the garage is protected.
This gives you a chance to... to have a life.
What if I like this life?
What if I like this right now?
The garage is protected.
I mean, the buyer doesn't know shit about fixing cars,
but Javi's ready to manage the place.
He does already.
What if one of the businesses takes a dive?
What if it's too much for one person to handle?
Tony, I've lived with you for more than a year.
Nothing's too much for me to handle.
Here.
- Javi and I... - [GROANS]
will take good care.
What if I'm not good enough to stay on the team?
What if I flunk out? I'm no good at school!
You're good at anything you wanna be good at.
Oh, my God. This is so easy for you.
- Why is this so fucking easy for you? - It's not easy!
This is fucking killing me.
But this gives you a chance to live a whole life.
[INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES]
[SHAKILY] What if I can't do it?
I don't know. What if I'm lonely?
Well, I'm eight hours away by car.
Seven the way that you drive.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- [TONY SNIFFLES] - Here.
Oh, fuck.
I'm scared.
I know.
And that's OK.
- OK. - Yeah.
Come here.
It's OK.
- It's OK, Tony. - No.
It's OK to be scared. I'm scared too.
[CLAY] What if what's ahead of us is even more terrifying
than what we've been through?
OK.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
[KEYBOARD CLATTERING]
You good?
Yeah. I'm good. I'm just finishing up these patrol reports.
[DIAZ] I was thinkin'.
I always say that this job is everything to me.
I don't come from much.
I know you don't either.
No, sir. My two boys are the first in my family to go to college.
[DIAZ] Same with my kids.
And I say this job is everything, but it's not true.
I live my life for family, for God, for country.
In that order.
And a father's love is a, uh...
fierce and complicated thing.
As I'm sure my daughter Valerie would tell you.
But family...
Family comes first.
Wouldn't you agree?
I do.
Hmm.
[INHALES SLOWLY]
The Bryce Walker files, um...
they're going down to permanent storage.
That case is closed for good.
Understood.
Don't work too late, Bill.
[BILL] Hey, Sheriff.
Thank you.
[RELIEVED SIGH]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[CLAY] How do we get on with our lives?
Hey.
You waited for me.
Of course I waited for you.
Um... Negative.
Good.
Yeah, me too.
Um, thanks for telling me, and coming with me.
Of course.
I wasn't worried.
He'd never do it without protection. He was pretty hardcore on that.
They, uh... They tell you about PrEP?
That seems like a good thing.
Yeah.
Though I don't plan on having sex again, ever, so...
Look, I'm sorry...
about Justin. I...
I know how much you loved him.
How would you know that?
I...
I saw you dance together.
And...
a guy can tell...
when a girl's heart is spoken for.
I'm sorry...
for...
everything I put you through.
I'm done with it. I just...
I couldn't let it go.
I... [BREATHES SHAKILY]
I miss Monty so much.
But it...
It can't be anything like what you miss Justin.
[JESS SIGHS]
I don't know.
Missing is missing.
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY] I...
I know it's very much too soon to be saying anything like this, but...
if you ever need someone to miss people with,
I would like to maybe ask you out sometime.
To go out with me.
Again.
But in a new way, sometime.
Maybe I can... Can I start asking in about a month?
Maybe in a month.
[CLAY] How do we even imagine starting something new?
You'd think I'd know these answers.
You'd think I'd be good at goodbyes by now.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
[CLAY] Mrs. Baker sent them.
The court had returned them to her after, like, months,
and she thought Tony and I should have them.
That they were never hers.
That they were something of Hannah that we got, and she never would.
- [ELLMAN] What do you think that was? - I don't know.
Think harder.
I don't know.
I think you do. And I think you're being lazy.
What the hell? Screw you!
[ELLMAN] There we go.
I was worried we'd have Mumbles McGee for the whole session.
[STUTTERS]
What the fuck is this? Tough love?
Some shit like that?
Why did Hannah's mother send you the tapes?
Why do you and Tony feel so responsible for Tyler?
Why did your graffiti say, "Monty was framed"?
Why do you care?
- Because I care about you. - You care about a paycheck.
You think I only care 'cause I'm paid?
Would you wanna see me if the bill wasn't paid?
If you needed me.
Yeah, bullshit!
What are you really asking, Clay?
I'm not asking anything, I'm just... I'm fucking fed up!
Well, good. Why?
Because! Because none of this fucking matters! OK?
If Justin is dead,
then none of the rest of it matters!
It's...
[SOBS] How could he let it happen?
How could he let himself get sick like that?
We... It would've been so easy to save him!
[ELLMAN] Maybe deep down, he didn't think he was worth saving or worth loving.
But Jessica loved him.
And my... my... my parents did.
And I did!
But what if there was some part of him from a long time ago
that couldn't let himself be loved?
Couldn't let himself be cared for?
That makes no sense!
Really, Clay?
You can't imagine a kid who keeps secrets from the people who love him most?
A kid who won't let himself be cared for?
Fuck you.
[CLAY SIGHS]
My Guild Starfire. I love that guitar.
I grew up here, you know.
In Evergreen.
It was the late '60s and early '70s.
It was a turbulent, difficult time.
Country was desperately divided.
Drugs were everywhere.
I was a troubled kid.
Yeah, I'm sure you were a hellion.
I stole a car.
So I could steal a guitar amp.
I sniffed glue.
Dropped acid.
Smoked dope.
Occasionally I sold it.
Shit.
[ELLMAN] I was going down a dark road,
and then a teacher in my high school saw something in me.
Saw...
me.
She believed I had something to offer.
She was an English teacher.
She thought I could write.
And I said something to her very much like what you said to me.
Nothing makes sense.
None of the pieces fit together.
And she said to me...
"Try."
She said...
"Begin."
So I began.
And years later I found myself back here, in my home town,
to help kids like me.
Like you.
I can't promise the story has a happy ending, Clay.
What happens to us,
it may only have the sense that we make of it.
But I do know that it's in telling the story...
that we learn who we are.
And maybe see who we might become.
[CLAY SNIFFLES]
[BREATHES SHAKILY]
[CLICKS TONGUE]
It starts with Hannah Baker.
[BOLAN] Graduation is that special time,
not only to celebrate but to acknowledge the hard work
and the countless sacrifices it took to transform dreams into reality.
And let's not forget the fortitude
to carry on in the face of adversity.
This graduating class
has shown a special kind of fortitude.
I admire you all.
You've been tested
well beyond the classroom,
and you have endured.
Now, you may not believe me.
Your... [CHUCKLES]
Class president and class speaker, in particular, may not believe me.
But all we have ever wished for,
myself, the educators here today,
all of your parents,
all we have truly wished for
is to see that you are all happy and healthy and safe.
This class, in particular,
has made that hellishly hard.
[LAUGHTER]
But I have faith in you. [CHUCKLES]
All of you.
And I hope that we have taught you well.
I know you have taught me.
I'm grateful.
And I'm proud of you all.
[CHEERING, WHISTLING]
[JESS] Look, here's the thing.
There should be more of us here.
And lately, I have been thinking about why they're not here.
I have a history of causing trouble with my speeches.
Principal Bolan actually had to approve my speech
just so I wouldn't make trouble.
But that was a month ago.
And my life has changed since then.
But don't worry, I'm not causing any trouble today.
Because I just want you to hear me.
Some of you circulated a petition this year,
demanding I be removed from office.
Saying that I was a one-issue president,
and I had made my point, and I should just shut up.
Well, no girls signed that petition.
- [LAUGHTER] - So, news, boys,
our point is far from made.
And we're not shutting up.
- Yeah! - [WHISTLING]
[WHOOPING]
[JESS] But you are right about one thing:
I am a one-issue president.
I'm a one-issue person.
I spent the last couple of years angry.
Hurt.
Scared.
But I'm not gonna do that anymore.
I'm gonna focus on my one issue.
Which is love.
[LAUGHTER, JEERING]
Oh, what? Does talking about love make you embarrassed?
Is it girly? What?
Because it's the thing.
It's the only thing.
It's easy to hate.
It's easy to fear.
It's goddamn hard to love.
But it's not optional.
It's essential.
It's life or death.
I challenge you.
Love each other.
Do it.
Do it better.
Now and every day.
I love you all.
Oh, and fuck the patriarchy.
[CHEERING, WHISTLING]
[WHOOPING]
[RAUCOUS APPLAUSE]
[CLAY] It comes down to one question.
Will you survive high school?
Will I survive?
Because I know too many people who didn't.
In the past two years,
three people who I loved have died.
And two... two other people...
[SNIFFLING] ...who I thought I hated,
also died.
But I learned that hate is too simple.
Jessica's right.
Hate is easy.
Love and understanding are harder.
But they are how we take care of each other,
how we survive.
[SNIFFS]
My dad loves to tell me stories about when he was in high school.
The stories usually involve chess club
and obscure bands with funny haircuts,
because the '80s were a strange, strange time.
[LAUGHTER]
But he always gets one thing right.
He knows high school can hurt.
That it can be painful.
That there are days when that's all it is.
And he once told me that he's living proof...
you can survive.
You can get through it.
He's living proof, and so am I.
And so are all of you.
And the thing is,
for me,
for us,
this class, this... this generation,
high school actually is life or death.
We show up every day not knowing if this is the day we die.
If this is the day someone shows up with a gun and tries to kill us all.
We practice what we'll do if that happens.
Life or death.
I suffer from anxiety...
and, uh, depression.
But mostly anxiety.
I sometimes think all of us kids do, in some way.
And how could we not, with the world the way it is?
We hear a lot of promises that things will get better.
And... and, look, maybe they will,
maybe they won't.
And what I think I've learned,
what I wanna say to you...
is whatever happens, keep moving.
Get through it.
Choose to live.
'Cause even on the worst day, there...
are people who love you.
There's new music waiting for you to hear, some... something you haven't seen before
that will blow your mind in the best way.
Even on the worst day,
life is a pretty spectacular thing.
Thank you.
Good luck.
Yeah!
[CHEERING, WHOOPING]
[WHISTLING]
[WHOOPING]
["UNBELIEVERS" BY VAMPIRE WEEKEND PLAYS]
♪ Got a little soul ♪
♪ The world is a cold, cold place to be ♪
♪ Want a little warmth ♪
♪ But who's gonna save A little warmth for me? ♪
♪ We know the fire awaits unbelievers All of the sinners the same... ♪
- [JESS] Hey! - [ANI] Hey!
- Where's your mom? - Oh, she had to work. Couldn't leave.
Then you have to help me endure my relatives.
My uncle flew in from Milwaukee.
Dude. No way. You do not like The Descendants.
Saw their Sacramento show last year!
You know, I love that the new quarterback is a homo.
Uh, he identifies as bisexual, actually,
and I don't think we're supposed to use that word.
Yeah, we designed the whole thing!
We like to keep a hand in, even though you're off at Wellesley.
Oh, my God! This is where I get it from!
You know, she wrote her new essay about causing riots, stripping naked,
- um, getting suspended... - Then I got into Berkeley.
[TONY] Graciella!
Mi vida!
- Tonio! - [CHUCKLES] Yes!
Oh, it's so good to see you!
- [GRACIELLA] I missed you. - [TONY] I missed you!
Oh, my God, you're so big.
- Look at your hair! - Yeah, I know.
[ANI] Mrs. Walker had some money she wanted to give away,
so she's endowing HO.
So, although we will soon be forgotten around here...
The cause lives on.
The torch is passed.
Use it well.
You guys want me to take over HO? Tyler will be so proud! Can I tell him?
- 'Course! - Sure.
[TYLER] I was thinking
maybe we could carpool up in the Bay Area to visit our boos.
You're coming up for every football game, right?
Uh... Am I supposed to?
Yeah. You are. You're the boyfriend.
Every game?
Those little short routes are a waste of time! Let him air it out!
Luke, I love you. You got a great arm, but you haven't been known for your brain.
- OK? - Offense is boring.
[PETER] Check it out.
[DIEGO] Winston, man!
Congrats, dude!
- Thanks. - You finally did it.
We're gonna hang out this week, right?
- For sure. - [DIEGO] Cool. Looking forward to it.
Look, they hate you until they love you.
That's all I gotta say.
I'm Ryan.
- Winston. - Oh, I know.
- So... - Always workin' the room.
- [RYAN] She's an old friend. - Ryan Shaver.
[ZACH] I, uh...
- It was a late application... - Right.
But I got in off an audition.
Wait, so you're gonna study music?
Yeah!
- That's awesome, Zachy! - It's great!
And your mom is totally cool with it?
Well, she thinks it's for violin,
and it's actually for guitar and voice, but one step at a time.
- I'm gonna forget I know that last bit. - Probably for the best, yeah.
Hey, Clay.
- Congratulations. - Oh, thanks, Dean Foundry.
Really, no, your speech was wonderful.
Honestly, it was inspiring, even for an old guy like me.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
No, it was really moving. It's a good reminder... [VOICE FADES]
I gotta do something with my friends for a bit,
but I'll definitely be back in time for dinner.
And very soon, I'm gonna be so close to Arizona.
Like, four hours.
Maybe three.
We're so proud of you, kid. You know that, right?
- Said it about a million times. - And we'll say it a million more.
Hey, one more.
- Really embarrass him this time, Mom. - Come on, bring it in.
[PETER] Yeah!
I gotta see my friends. I'll be home later.
- Can we make pozole and sopapillas? - Por supuesto. Of course we can.
[KISSES]
Teaching you has been an absolute pleasure, Amorowat.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Wood. That's very kind.
- It's not often in a teacher's career... - Sorry, we need Ani.
We've got a robotics emergency.
Excuse me, Mr. Wood. Thank you.
I have to go do, um, a totally legal thing with my friends, so...
- Of course. - [CHUCKLES] Um...
Thanks, guys.
Great day, kiddo.
I, uh...
Uh, thank you, guys...
for everything...
ever.
I love you.
[SIGHS]
[KISSES]
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS]
I just wanna take pictures that matter to somebody.
I'd like to make enough money so that my mum doesn't have to work.
Yeah.
I fully plan on being famous.
Like, not social famous, I mean, so even The New York Times knows who I am.
I just wanna remember this day.
Just like this. Right now.
[COURTNEY] Yeah.
[CLAY] I just wanna be clear.
I don't actually see ghosts.
I just, like...
imagine people and...
what I would say to them.
Yeah, I get it.
You wrote my paper on magical realism.
I didn't write your...
I just helped you write it.
Yeah, I know. I just like to get you goin'.
[CLAY SIGHS]
But what I don't get is why ghost you is hanging out with Bryce?
Even in my head.
We loved each other, me and him.
We were brothers.
You know, you can love people who did...
bad shit.
You can forgive people.
Even the people who hurt you worst.
You're talking about Hannah.
[JUSTIN] When you forgive someone, it's more for you than them.
How much I hurt...
with Hannah.
Always.
It's my fault.
I fall in love with girls too fast,
too hard.
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC CONTINUES]
[GIRL] Clay?
Are you Clay Jensen?
[GIGGLES] Oh, my gosh. Sorry, I'm a little nervous.
You're just like a rock star after that speech.
Uh, but I go to East County, and I'm going to Brown next year,
and I heard you are too,
so I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get, like, a coffee?
Or some other beverage
to, like, go over the course catalog and first-year handbook?
Or is that too dorky?
Oh... [CHUCKLES]
I'm Heidi.
That's...
That would be very cool.
Oh!
[CHUCKLES] Phew!
[BOTH LAUGH]
I was worried that would sound completely nerdy.
[ZACH] Jensen!
Are we gonna do this?
Yeah. Uh, yes.
Um... [CLICKS TONGUE, CLAPS]
I have to go do a... a thing.
- Mm-hmm. - [CLAY] Um...
- You... you can email me. - OK.
Yeah, it's, uh...
It's percyakr2161@gmail.com
Nice.
Alien Killer Robots.
Yes!
Yeah. [HEIDI GIGGLES]
[ZACH] Jensen!
["HERE COMES A REGULAR" BY THE REPLACEMENTS PLAYS]
♪ Well, a person can work up ♪
♪ A mean, mean thirst ♪
♪ After a hard day Of nothin' much at all... ♪
[CLAY SIGHS]
This is where I first listened to my tape.
And this is where we lay them to rest.
Rest in peace.
Come on, people.
Let's pile on the closure dirt.
I'm on those tapes. It's my day too.
No.
Your day's gone.
Long gone.
You need me in this world.
Otherwise, what would girls like you start riots about?
Oh, there's plenty.
Still, I kinda feel like I won.
You didn't.
I was looking around today at graduation,
and I was thinking about how Justin was missing,
and Hannah.
But then I thought,
I love these people.
Clay Jensen, Zach, and Courtney,
Ryan freakin' Shaver, for fuck's sake. [CHUCKLES]
In what kind of world do I love all these kinds of people?
The world you made.
We had to love each other at the end of it all.
You did that.
So that's something, right?
Sure.
["TAKE CARE" BY BEACH HOUSE PLAYS]
♪ Stand beside it ♪
♪ We can't hide the way it makes us glow ♪
♪ It's no good unless it grows ♪
♪ Feeling this burning love of mine... ♪
[CLAY] For the first time I can remember, the town seemed small.
Tiny.
Like I had seen every corner of it I needed to see, as of today.
All the shit that never would've happened.
But we would've never been friends.
We'll always have that.
If anyone ever needs any help, anytime, anyplace,
just send a group text, say, "Gordon Lightfoot."
- Right on. - Wait. What?
Gordon Lightfoot?
It's the strangest fucking code word.
♪ I'd take care of you ♪
♪ If you'd ask me to ♪
[JUSTIN] It was a nice speech.
Thanks.
I mean, it was super dark and... a little meandering, but very...
you.
[CHUCKLES]
What's all that?
Uh, it's just stuff from school.
They had me clean out your locker today.
- Both of them. - Oof!
Sorry about that.
[CLAY] And...
I found this.
Your college essay.
The one that got you in.
I didn't read it.
It's personal.
Dude, I mean, we have literally breathed each other's farts.
You've walked in on me jerking off
more times than you even know, and now you draw the line?
Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT, CLICKS TONGUE]
"I didn't really grow up with much positivity in my life."
And if I had influences around me, they were definitely bad.
My mother was a drug addict.
Her revolving door of boyfriends, mostly drug addicts too.
I had a best friend I used to look up to,
"but then he hurt people close to me, and now he's dead."
Jesus, Justin, talk about dark.
Just... keep going.
[INHALES SLOWLY]
"There was a time in my life
I truly had nothing but the clothes on my back
and the regret for the people I'd hurt.
And then a person came into my life.
"A person named Clay Jensen."
You wrote about me?
They, uh...
They said to write about a positive influence in your life.
[SIGHS]
"Even when I was puking all over his room, he was there."
He's always been there,
which is why even though I've never had a proper family,
I know what it feels like to have one
because Clay gave that to me.
Because he's my...
"He's my..."
"He's my brother."
He's my positive influence.
He's the reason I'm alive and able to write this college essay
"in the first place."
[CHOKED] I miss you.
[CLAY SOBS]
How am I supposed to do this without you?
Clay, it's like you said.
You'll survive.
You will, you know.
Survive.
Yeah.
I know it now.
You're out of town next week?
Yeah, I'm driving with Tony to see his school.
He's starting summer quarter
because he's still got some stuff to... make up.
Um... [CLICKS TONGUE]
But you said we could maybe still FaceTime?
Sure. Let me know what works.
I'm back in two weeks for the summer, but then, um...
We can meet online as you settle into school.
And then... I'm sure there are resources on campus.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'm sure. [CHUCKLES LIGHTLY, CLICKS TONGUE]
All right.
See ya.
Subtitle By: MARSH-MARIE
["HALF LIGHT II (NO CELEBRATION)" BY ARCADE FIRE PLAYS]
♪ Now that San Francisco's gone ♪
♪ I guess I'll just pack it in ♪
♪ Wanna wash away my sins ♪
♪ In the presence of my friends ♪
♪ Though we knew this day would come ♪
♪ Still it took us by surprise ♪
♪ In this town where I was born ♪
♪ I now see through a dead man's eyes ♪
♪ One day they will see it's long gone ♪
[CLAY SIGHS]
Subtitle By: MARSH-MARIE
["TROUBLE" BY LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM PLAYS]
♪ I should be saying goodnight ♪
♪ I really shouldn't stay anymore... ♪
[CLAY READS TEXT]
♪ I should run on the double ♪
♪ I think I'm in... ♪ ♪ I think I'm in trouble ♪
♪ So, come to me, darling And hold me ♪
♪ Let your honey keep you warm ♪
♪ Been so long since I held you ♪
♪ I've forgotten what love is for ♪
♪ I should run on the double ♪
♪ I think I'm in... ♪ ♪ I think I'm in trouble ♪
[MAN] Well done, Ed. Well done.