C'mon, c'mon, c'mon. Okay, two months, what's that?
What's that?
Two months, it's if there is a baby in there
okay, but what about this one has a smiley face?
I don't know what's that smiley, if you're not pregnant or if there is baby in there.
If you're not pregnant or if there is baby in there.
Stop saying "baby in there,"
like there's a baby hiding in a closet
with a knife or something.
Why are we whispering?
I don't know.
Oh, my God.
There's a baby in there.
This baby might be a good thing.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Because, one day, you're gonna die.
You're gonna die, and I'll be all alone
for...10, 20, 30 years.
Wait, whoa. Wait.
I'm gonna die?
You're dead, and I'm all alone.
And I'll start smoking again.
I'll be sitting on the porch of some old folks home,
blowing smoke on people's families
and grandchildren and...
They'll be saying, "there's Reagan Brinkley.
"She has no family,
and everyone she knows is dead."
So you're already in a home
and I'm dead?
Mm-hmm.
But we'll have a baby.
Yeah.
[Gentle guitar music]
Look at that.
Look at her.
She's so beautiful.
So [Bleep] Beautiful.
God [Bleep].
Chris, you know what?
We should probably cool it on the cussing.
- Oh, [Bleep], you're right. - Babe, you did it again.
Yeah, but she's asleep. She can't hear us.
Hmm. [Giggles]
Holy [Bleep].
[Upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Sync and correction by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com
[Baby laughing]
[Baby cooing] Are you ready for this?
Yes. Hey, come on. Look, you love your job.
Plus, this is an opportunity for me to bond with my daughter.
- Ohh. - Who knows?
Maybe I'll get the old nordic track out.
Get my body back to where it needs to be.
[Chuckles]
- Oh, my God! - What?
We have a baby!
Deadly radiation from cell phones
and just how safe... Ohh.
Is your clock radio?
Uhh! This will happen!
Gaaaah!
[Zipper zips]
Yes! Dr. Nancy spivey
tells us about the dangers of exploding clock radios.
- Heh heh. - It's also Reagan Brinkley's
first day back at work.
Good luck today, Reagan.
But let me ask you:
Are you and Chris really ready to handle
all this mommy/daddy stuff?
What?
[Scoffs] Hon...
Not sure you can rock that skirt anymore.
Oh, shut up, Matt lauer!
Oh, look at that.
So, babe, what do you wanna do tomorrow
for our anniversary?
Seven years.
Oh, my God, right?
I don't know.
Something-- something epic,
like the old days.
You know, maybe some eating and drinking.
Dancin', smokin'.
God, I need a drink so badly.
I mean, I haven't had a drink since before I was pregnant.
Although we can't go that far with the cigarettes.
You know. Oh, you're right.
Smoking is my gateway drug, isn't it?
I mean, I have one cigarette, and the next thing you know,
I'm dancing on the pool table,
doing jager shots.
Dazzling the folks with my old school raps.
God, your beats are so tight after three jager bombs.
So, honey, are you sure you're ready for solo today?
What? Are you kidding? Yes.
Why hire a nanny when you got me, right?
I'm just saying, don't sit on the couch all day,
like, watching hockey and playing video games.
What? No.
It's not even plugged in or--
come on, babe, worry.
I can't totally do this.
Okay, you just said, "babe, worry.
I can't totally do this."
- No, I said we can. - Hm-mm.
I said, "we can totally do this."
You didn't.
But okay.
Bye. Bye.
Bye, baby.
Mwah! I love you guys.
- Bye, mama. - All right, bye.
Reagan! Welcome back.
Reagan, thank God you're back!
Oh, my goodness. Wow.
- I'm so sorry. - It's okay.
It's okay. What's going on?
The last few months have been rough.
Yesterday, show hit bottom.
And instead of coming up with a new show,
Ava's in her office, eating her feelings.
Oh, no. What?
Cake. Entenmann's.
Okay.
[Upbeat music]
♪ ♪
I was raised on the hardscrabble roads
of the Florida panhandle.
But I'm here to tell you that,
no matter where you come from,
you can always get up that Mountain.
Now, let's get up together.
Hello.
[Mouth full] Reagan!
Oh, my God, you're back!
Get in here.
Welcome home-- what are you doing? No, no.
Just getting rid of the cake.
- Hey, no, no, no, no. - Stop!
No more cake.
This show has fallen apart without you.
Every, single person here besides you
is a complete moron.
I hope you take it as a compliment
that I'm willing to speak freely in front of you.
Oh, thank you.
- Reagan... - Yeah.
This show used to speak to women.
I mean, we wanted real issues.
But with you gone, look. Look at this.
Look. What's--what--
I mean, I've seen all the...Shows. Oh.
[Laughing] It looks like I just made a new friend.
[Parrot squawks, audience laughs]
A friend who's always on your mind!
[Laughter] Can I get a whoo hoo?
All: Whoo hoo!
All right, that's good. We're good with the clapping!
We're good with the clapping.
Very pretty bird.
It's on her head!
Please, no more clapping.
Is the bird--oh, God.
- Are you laughing? - I'm not, I'm not.
I'm not. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I know about your paralyzing fear of birds.
Now that I'm back, I have some ideas.
Why don't we do a whole week
on women's health, right?
We can, uh, talk about non-invasive plastic surgery.
Uh, we can do a diabetes- friendly cooking show.
We can call it eats for the diabeets.
I love that.
How 'bout a cleanse?
Cleanses are big.
That is perfect.
Kimora just turned me on to this herbalist,
Dr. Phillip bonderant.
He's a pioneer of this ayurvedic cleanse.
Okay, well, why don't I just research it--
- we're doing a cleanse! - Okay, doing a cleanse.
And everybody in the office is doing the cleanse with me.
Right? Who's with me?
Office cleanse.
Of-fice cleanse!
- Okay. - Office cleanse!
Okay, now, that is hockey.
You know, your dad was quite the player too.
You got my genes.
Speed...Strength.
And quads of steel.
Yep...You got my quads.
Always take care of your quads, sweetie,
and they will take care of you.
Mine have been very good to me.
Oh, crap.
Okay. You know what?
You just sit right there for a minute.
No, no, no, no, no.
Well, you got your mommy's balance, didn't you?
- God, what a gorgeous baby. - Thank you.
Are you sure you wanna be back?
Yes, I do.
I mean, I miss her every second of the day.
But, Ava, I am here for you 100%, all right?
Don't worry, I am still the same old me.
'Cept for, sometimes now,
when I walk, talk, or breathe, I pee.
- Ohh. - Anyhoo...
To the cleanse.
Ugh.
- Wow. - Ohh. Ohh.
Oh, my goodness. Wow, you know,
I always wondered what a mug of butt tasted like.
Now I know.
Whoo! Ugh. God.
Screw this. I'm gettin' a chili dog.
No, you can't do that.
Honey, Dr. bonderant is already booked for Monday.
And when I told him that everyone here
was doing the cleanse, including you,
he canceled on Ellen.
Burn, Ellen. [Imitates laser blasts]
See? I am so glad you're back.
Things without you here have been "insahn."
Why are you saying "insane" like that?
That's how I always say it. "Insahn."
No...It's weird.
If "insahn" is so weird,
why has no one ever said anything?
Because everybody is intimidated by you.
It's "creezy."
[Cell phone ringing]
Hey, honey.
How's Amy? How's my little boo?
Hey, babe, I'm so sorry to bother you.
I'm just having a bit of a problem here.
When did grocery stores get so big?
Kind of feel like I've never been in a grocery store before.
- Oh, she is so cute. - Oh...Thank you.
Look, I don't know why I can't find cheese.
I've just been walking around in circles.
All I could find was that... Fancy cheese
over by the salad bar.
Listen to me.
The normal cheese is right next to the eggs.
Do not give up--we really, really need normal cheese.
Okay.
[Eerie music] So, how's Amy doing
on her first trip to the supermarket with daddy?
- Babe, I gotta go. - Why? Is everything okay?
- She's back. - Who's back?
♪ ♪
Hope you weren't planning on using your fist!
Shut up!
That is the stupidest place to hide, dude!
They always get you right... Hi. I rushed back
as fast as I could.
Bottomed out on, like, 20 speed bumps.
Is Amy still up?
No, she's asleep.
Oh. [Laser blasts]
Babe, great news.
- Yeah? - I met someone.
Right now, I am online gaming
with a really exciting new friend.
I mean, he's a dad I met at the park,
but he's kind of in the same baby-daddy sitch that I'm in,
and here's the best part:
He's a surfer dude.
Wow, that's awesome.
You always wanted a surfer friend.
Right? I know.
I'm playing it kind of cool, though,
'cause I want to make sure that I--hang on.
Hey, man. Uh, no problem, dude.
All right, catch you lates.
Henry's bath's ready.
So what was Amy doing
when you guys were... Bonding?
Oh, it was great.
Amy and Henry's nap time synchronize perfectly.
- Oh. - Actually, you know what?
Henry's really into classical music,
which I think is super stimulating too.
I see a lot of potential here-- oh, my God.
What the hell is that?
Oh, yeah.
I never did find the normal cheese, you know?
I...Just sort of panicked,
and I just bought this fancy cheese
over by the salad bar.
Cheese guy says we're gonna need a rinder.
- Oh...Awesome. - But...
Check it out...
This is what I was thinking for our anniversary times.
Ohh.
"Chris and Reagan's anniversary times:
Old school style."
- Right? - What up?
"Drinks at the varnish,
"followed by dinner at kiwami.
"Parenthesis Sushi.
Exclamation point." Yep.
"Intimate time with husband,
body sponsored by nordic track."
- Really? - It's a new sponsorship, but...
[Giggles] This--this sounds great.
I'm so happy.
[Door slams]
Hi, kids! Uhh!
"Knock-knock. Can I come in?
Is this a bad time?"
That's how I would have done it.
[Laughing] Oh, Christopher.
So I was on a date with Martin.
And I realized I never got you a baby gift.
[Laughs] So I said to him,
"turn this helicopter around,
I am going to one of those custom gift basket places."
Wow.
All right, let's see what we got here.
Well, this is a...Oh.
"Classic venison stock."
Oh, my God, babies love this.
- Right? - Oh!
Some hot pepper cheese.
Again, perfect for a baby.
Are you telling me
there's nothing in there for a baby?
Oh, well, I guess we'll be left
having an awesome time by ourselves.
Uh-oh, what's this?
This one's chilled, y'all.
Honey, we can't do that.
I mean, we don't do that anymore, so--
we have to get up early.
Hi-yo!
[Baby crying]
Both: There it is. Yeah, I got it.
We can just drink out of the bottle.
[Baby crying]
Oh, my God.
Ohh.
At least you don't have to work.
Yeah, 'cause raising a human's no work at all.
[Grunts]
[Crying continues]
God, I got no sleep last night.
I mean, I was up with Amy from...1:00 to 4:00?
Well, I was up from 10:00 to midnight.
You probably don't remember that.
'Cause you were asleep...
While I was awake.
No, you were--
you were asleep when I got up at 1:00.
'Cause I saw you.
I mean, 'cause I was awake.
No, I'm sure you were groggy
from being in such a deep sleep
that you did not see
that my eyes were wide open
and I was, indeed, awake.
No, you were asleep.
Because I saw everything
because I was wide awake.
Totally awake... With my eyes open.
Except for when you were completely asleep.
I mean, when your eyes were closed
in what I would call in a sleep-like fashion.
- Are you kidding me? - Because I was wide awake.
- My eyes were open! - I watched you sleeping!
I stood over you and watched you sleep!
Do you wanna do it real quick?
No, I don't wanna do it real quick!
I can't even think about... [Grunting]
That's not even your real sex face.
- Stop talking. - I wish it was.
All right, bye, mama.
- Bye. - Bye.
Honey, I'm so sorry about before.
- Oh, that's all right. - I cannot wait for tonight.
I so need a night out. Yeah, tell me about it.
All day long here with the baby.
I think I'm the one that needs the night out.
Yeah, well, try work and a baby.
- I think I'm the one that-- - really? Okay.
You know what? Let's not do it.
Okay. Bye.
Mwah!
- Bye, mama. - Bye.
Um...Can I have everyone's attention for a second?
There is a slight issue with Dr. bonderant's cleanse.
It's just that a gentleman in Ohio
who was on the cleanse just suffered, um...
"Catastrophic renal failure."
Missy here has been in the bathroom all morning with--
what--what did you call it, honey?
Sting ring.
With wicked-hot sting ring!
[Shouting] Okay, you do not want wicked-hot sting ring!
So please dump your cleanses immediately!
Finally. First thing's first.
Party sub--double meat, double cheese.
We're off the cleanse, y'all.
We are off the cleanse!
Um, now we don't have a show for Monday.
Oh, it's okay.
We'll put our heads together,
and Reagan'll figure something out.
- Yep. - Gonna be like old times.
We'll be workin' laaate. No, no, no.
I can't tonight, honey. What--
- it's my seven-year anniversary with Chris.
He's been planning it for a really long time.
- Reagan-- - I can't--Ava!
- Reagan... - What?
You said you would be there for me 100%.
[Cell phone ringing] All right, hold on.
Hi, honey.
Babysitter's here.
Oh, hey...
Will you put Amy on the phone for just a second?
I need to hear her voice.
[Baby laughing] Hi, my boo boo!
I love you. Mama loves you.
Boo boo boo boo boo boo!
I love you so much!
Babe...Um, honey,
I can't do tonight.
Oh, babe, it's our anniversary times.
I know, but you don't understand.
The doctor that we had booked for the show on Monday
is sort of killing people right now.
So now we need to come up
with an entire new concept for the show
and we're gonna be working until the morning.
No. You know what? I get it.
This was the deal, right? I love you.
Love you too. Don't worry about it.
Summer of '92,
it's me, Rick James,
Ian ziering, and Eddie Murphy
in the back of a white stretch limo.
We were going to the best Sushi place.
Life is like an ocean. I dig that.
But, you know, for me, it's-- hey.
Uh, mine's actually home right now, dude.
So, um, thanks for listening.
All right. Yeah.
Good luck with the swells tomorrow.
- Hey. - Hi.
Hey.
So...
Got a replacement for Dr. death cleanse.
How was your night?
Uh, yeah, it was good.
I ended up just grabbing a...
Personal pizza-- frozen...
A full-size, 12-piece pizza.
Oh, honey.
I don't know, babe.
God, you have so many new holes in this shirt.
- I love this shirt. - I know.
I was wearing this shirt the first time I saw van...
Van halen.
And also, later that summer,
when I made out with...
Both: Jessica einbinder.
I'm sorry, babe.
You know I had to stay.
You don't have anything to be sorry for.
I chose to do this, I--
I'm the one who decided to leave my law firm
so that I could stay here and look after Amy,
and, um...
I guess I was just pissed and...
I don't know who to be pissed at.
We're gonna screw this up.
- No, we're not. - Yeah, we are.
Then, every time I come home,
we're just gonna be awkward and distant
and you're gonna resent me?
And Amy's gonna feel all that.
She's gonna feel she has to be the peacekeeper with us,
and she'll--she'll have this need to be perfect,
and she'll probably develop a tic
where she always smells her hair,
and I just-- I think Matt lauer's
talking to me through the tv.
Okay, wow. That is a lot of stuff.
[Sighs]
I love our baby
more than anything in the world.
She has made my life so much better.
But sometimes, I...
I do miss the old days...
Where I'd come home late from work and--
and we'd just say, "whatever."
And we'd go out all night
and act like idiots.
We were world-class idiots.
We were such idiots.
It is still technically our anniversary.
I can call the babysitter.
Do it.
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna go put on a slutty outfit.
Me too.
Excuse me, miss.
Uh, could we get two more glasses of the rose?
Actually, should we just get a bottle?
- Yeah. - Yeah, let's make it a bottle.
[Hip-hop music]
By the way, it's 11:45 right now.
- Uh-huh. - We could go home,
and I would deem this night to be a kick-ass success.
Or we could stay a little bit longer
and be whatever.
We could, but, babe, you know what?
Let's not overdo it, huh?
What's that you say, honey?
Did you just say, "babe, overdo it"?
Cheers, mother [Bleep]!
[All cheer]
♪ Good ol' rocky top ♪
♪ rocky top, Tennessee ♪
♪ rocky top ♪
Both: ♪ Tennessee ♪
My baby's gonna be up in two hours!
Whoo! Look at those high kicks!
Whoo!
[Upbeat music playing]
Uh-oh!
Both: Oh!
What?!
♪ For the first time in history ♪
♪ it's gonna start raining men ♪
♪ start raining men ♪
All: ♪ it's rainin' men ♪
♪ hallelujah ♪
♪ it's rainin' men ♪
[Upbeat music]
Babe!
Body by nordic track!
Whoo!
♪ Tall, blond ♪
♪ dark and lean ♪
♪ rough and tough and strong and mean ♪
[Baby crying]
[Grunts]
Babe, that's Amy.
Oh, my God, I'm so hung over.
You know who's not hung over?
That baby!
I swear to God, I will give you
a million dollars if you go.
- Hold her down. - You got it.
That's it--yeah. Okay, stop.
Amy, like--here.
Oh, what is it?
What's the front? Which is the front?
This is the wipe scam that the wipe people do
to get you to buy more wipes!
Oh, my God, how is it that she's stronger than I am?
She's a baby!
We are trying to help you.
- We're on your side. - Stop talk--
oh, God. Oh, God. That's a big one.
Are we dead?
[Doorbell rings]
[Quietly] Oh, God.
Hi. Hey.
Reagan... Yeah?
Stevie nicks is having a barbecue
at her house, and we're going.
I think I can close her on that segment
on native American spirituality, so... [clicks tongue]
- Really? - Yeah.
We gotta drive to Santa Barbara right now.
- Um... - You know what?
It's okay...You go. If--if you have to.
Amy and I will be fine. Yeah.
No. I'm sorry, Ava.
I-I know I've never said no to you before,
but I'm--I'm saying no. [Baby cooing]
I love you, but I--
I really--I need to stay here with Chris and Amy today.
You know, the old Italian man
who hems my slacks has a saying.
A una certa eta,
una Donna scegliere
tra il suo culo
e la sua faccia.
"At a certain age, a woman has to choose
between her ass and her face."
Okay.
Well, you can have a good face and a fat ass,
or you can have a tight ass
and have the face of skeletor.
I don't...
You can't have everything.
- Okay. - Okay.
I'll close Stevie.
Today, you be with Chris and Amy.
Thank you.
Stevie...
Stevie.
Nicks.
You got it.
♪ Just like the white wing dove ♪
♪ sings a song, sounds like she's singing ♪
♪ ooh, baby, ooh, say ooh ♪
Amy...
Let me tell you something.
If I ever have to be out late
because of work or something like that,
when you wake up in the morning,
I will always be there.
Your first tooth, I will be there.
Prom time, I'm there.
When you go off to college...
I'll get an apartment nearby
and maybe audit a class or two--
but you can still drink and date boys,
'cause I'll be cool.
Don't worry, Amy. I'll stop her.
He'll be dead, sweetie.
He won't be able to stop me.
And then one day,
when you come to visit me in the nursing home,
and they ask me who's there to see me,
I'll say, "it's my daughter...
Amy."
[Whispering] Look at that.
Holy [Bleep].
God [Bleep].
Baby, we really gotta rein in the language.
Ah, we'll get there.
So [Bleep] Beautiful.
Holy [Bleep].
Sync and correction by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com