1 00:00:31,341 --> 00:00:33,461 - Right, here we are. - The House of Hell. 2 00:00:33,501 --> 00:00:34,861 - Wish us luck, then. - Yeah, 3 00:00:34,901 --> 00:00:35,901 and we'll try not to 4 00:00:35,941 --> 00:00:37,141 - get off with your dad. - (NERVOUS LAUGH) 5 00:00:37,181 --> 00:00:39,741 Um, actually, if you could just wait here for a sec while we... 6 00:00:39,781 --> 00:00:41,021 - Huh? - We'll be really quick. 7 00:00:41,061 --> 00:00:43,621 - What do you mean? - We just need to nip in and... 8 00:00:43,661 --> 00:00:45,861 I thought we were finally meeting your parents tonight. 9 00:00:45,901 --> 00:00:47,501 No, no, you are finally meeting our parents tonight. 10 00:00:47,541 --> 00:00:49,181 We just need to check on some stuff. 11 00:00:49,221 --> 00:00:51,901 You mean threaten your mum and dad with an axe if they embarrass you. 12 00:00:51,941 --> 00:00:53,821 - (LAUGHS) - What?! 13 00:00:53,861 --> 00:00:55,461 That's so what they're doing. 14 00:00:55,501 --> 00:00:57,621 - Er, Adam? - I'll turn the radio on. 15 00:00:57,661 --> 00:00:59,661 ...Both women were found shot in the head. 16 00:00:59,701 --> 00:01:01,621 - Thanks. - (LAUGHS) 17 00:01:01,661 --> 00:01:03,261 Love you, babe! 18 00:01:06,541 --> 00:01:08,541 - Rumbled. - A million percent. 19 00:01:08,581 --> 00:01:10,781 - Ready? - Yep. 20 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,381 Candles?! 21 00:01:16,421 --> 00:01:18,341 - Unbelievable! - Unbelievable! 22 00:01:18,381 --> 00:01:20,421 - (BLOWS) - Flowers?! 23 00:01:20,461 --> 00:01:21,781 Unbelievable! 24 00:01:21,821 --> 00:01:23,221 - (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) - Music?! 25 00:01:23,261 --> 00:01:25,621 Unbelievable! 26 00:01:25,661 --> 00:01:27,461 (BLOWS) 27 00:01:29,221 --> 00:01:30,421 (MUTTERING) 28 00:01:30,461 --> 00:01:32,461 - It's called soup. - Agh! 29 00:01:32,501 --> 00:01:33,941 What you doing, you buggers? 30 00:01:33,981 --> 00:01:34,981 Why are you in a suit? 31 00:01:35,021 --> 00:01:36,141 - We said no suit. - Yeah! 32 00:01:36,181 --> 00:01:37,141 Where's your females? 33 00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:38,621 - (GROANS) "Females." - And you better not 34 00:01:38,661 --> 00:01:39,861 get their names wrong tonight. 35 00:01:39,901 --> 00:01:41,221 Gloria and Elizabeth? 36 00:01:41,261 --> 00:01:42,421 - What? - No - Lucy - 37 00:01:42,461 --> 00:01:43,861 they're both called Lucy! 38 00:01:43,901 --> 00:01:45,821 - Are they? - Yes! 39 00:01:45,861 --> 00:01:49,021 Now listen. Don't tell your mother - cos she's a bleeding stress ball tonight - 40 00:01:49,061 --> 00:01:50,701 - but this soup is... - Are they here? 41 00:01:50,741 --> 00:01:52,661 - Are they here?! - Shit. 42 00:01:52,701 --> 00:01:53,941 (JACKIE GIGGLES EXCITEDLY) 43 00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:58,101 - Where's the lovely Lucys? - It's OK, Mum, calm down. 44 00:01:58,141 --> 00:01:59,821 - Oh, don't say you've been dumped. - Huh? 45 00:01:59,861 --> 00:02:02,141 I knew it - I knew they'd dump you! 46 00:02:02,181 --> 00:02:03,581 Er, we haven't been dumped, thank you! 47 00:02:03,621 --> 00:02:05,501 - Well, where are they, then? - They're in the car, but first... 48 00:02:05,541 --> 00:02:07,861 The car?! What are they doing in the car?! 49 00:02:07,901 --> 00:02:10,741 And what happened to my candles, and where are my flowers? 50 00:02:10,781 --> 00:02:12,941 We said no candles and no flowers, remember? 51 00:02:12,981 --> 00:02:14,661 Just let the girls in, will you? 52 00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:17,221 And we definitely said no suit for Dad. 53 00:02:17,261 --> 00:02:18,421 What? He looks nice. 54 00:02:18,461 --> 00:02:20,421 He looks like an undertaker. 55 00:02:20,461 --> 00:02:22,821 - Anus. - Charming. We said casual. 56 00:02:22,861 --> 00:02:24,981 I am casual - it's my casual suit. 57 00:02:25,021 --> 00:02:27,181 - It's your funeral suit. - Yes, for casual funerals. 58 00:02:27,221 --> 00:02:29,461 Martin, just lose the bloody suit. 59 00:02:29,501 --> 00:02:31,061 - God! - (HORN TOOTS) 60 00:02:31,101 --> 00:02:31,861 Is that them? 61 00:02:31,901 --> 00:02:33,221 - Shit. OK - last-minute rules. 62 00:02:33,261 --> 00:02:35,421 - Rules? - No embarrassing baby stories. 63 00:02:35,461 --> 00:02:37,861 - Adam doing toilet on the stairs. - Jonny biting Grandma's bosoms. 64 00:02:37,901 --> 00:02:39,301 No kissing us on the head. 65 00:02:39,341 --> 00:02:41,661 And absolutely no crying or getting emotional. 66 00:02:41,701 --> 00:02:43,101 So I should just be a machine, then, should I? 67 00:02:43,141 --> 00:02:44,981 Yes. A silent machine. 68 00:02:45,021 --> 00:02:46,461 - Come on. - And Dad! 69 00:02:46,501 --> 00:02:48,061 - What? - No talking about the economy, 70 00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:50,381 or Britain's bloody waterways. 71 00:02:50,421 --> 00:02:52,021 Which are criminally underused. 72 00:02:52,061 --> 00:02:54,341 Exactly. No physics, dustbins... 73 00:02:54,381 --> 00:02:56,781 ADAM: ...or how you once saw a man kill a duck with a hammer. 74 00:02:56,821 --> 00:02:58,261 Turkey with a brick. 75 00:02:58,301 --> 00:03:01,461 - Maybe Dad should put his suit on again. - Oh, pissing hell! 76 00:03:01,501 --> 00:03:02,861 Make your bloody mind up. 77 00:03:02,901 --> 00:03:03,941 Right! 78 00:03:03,981 --> 00:03:08,261 Oh, my Bobbles - both with girlfriends!! 79 00:03:08,301 --> 00:03:09,621 - (KISSES) - Mum... 80 00:03:09,661 --> 00:03:11,221 - (KISSES) - Mum! 81 00:03:13,981 --> 00:03:15,421 Briefing over? 82 00:03:18,381 --> 00:03:22,781 Really, they are such gorgeous flowers. Thank you, Lucy, 83 00:03:22,821 --> 00:03:24,941 and thank you...Lucy! 84 00:03:24,981 --> 00:03:26,261 Pleasure. 85 00:03:26,301 --> 00:03:28,741 But my Lucy's flowers are slightly nicer than Adam's Lucy's flowers, 86 00:03:28,781 --> 00:03:29,981 - aren't they, Mum? - Jonny! 87 00:03:30,021 --> 00:03:31,021 Pissface. 88 00:03:31,061 --> 00:03:33,101 Don't be silly, Jonathan - they are both gorgeous. 89 00:03:33,141 --> 00:03:34,501 And so are the flowers! 90 00:03:34,541 --> 00:03:36,141 - I like your mum already! - Me too! 91 00:03:36,181 --> 00:03:38,621 Come through. 92 00:03:38,661 --> 00:03:40,221 Good evening, everyone. 93 00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:42,461 Ahh - the family undertaker. 94 00:03:42,501 --> 00:03:43,541 A pleasure to meet you both. 95 00:03:43,581 --> 00:03:44,781 - Hi. - Hello. 96 00:03:44,821 --> 00:03:46,901 Martin, you're not the Prime Minister. 97 00:03:46,941 --> 00:03:49,341 - What? M Goodman. - ALL: "M"? 98 00:03:49,381 --> 00:03:51,301 Yes, M, you berks, for Martin. 99 00:03:51,341 --> 00:03:53,181 (LAUGHS) As opposed to? 100 00:03:53,221 --> 00:03:54,781 Martin with an F - "Fartin"! 101 00:03:54,821 --> 00:03:57,101 (CHORTLES) 102 00:03:57,141 --> 00:03:59,021 He's just turned seven. 103 00:03:59,061 --> 00:04:01,461 Come through. I love these flowers! 104 00:04:01,501 --> 00:04:03,221 Lads - soup. 105 00:04:03,261 --> 00:04:04,541 - What? - Huh? 106 00:04:04,581 --> 00:04:06,141 - You all right? - Hmm? 107 00:04:06,181 --> 00:04:09,221 Do sit anywhere, sweeties. 108 00:04:09,261 --> 00:04:11,221 - Thanks. - Ooh, I'm loving the big photos! 109 00:04:11,261 --> 00:04:13,301 - Oh, yeah. - Really? The boys hate them. 110 00:04:13,341 --> 00:04:14,661 We do. 111 00:04:14,701 --> 00:04:16,021 JACKIE: Silly. 112 00:04:17,581 --> 00:04:19,301 Ooh! 113 00:04:19,341 --> 00:04:22,221 Er...you can sit on Adam, if you like. 114 00:04:22,261 --> 00:04:24,341 - Martin! - Um, I'm OK, thanks. 115 00:04:24,381 --> 00:04:26,341 - He's a strong lad. - Dad! 116 00:04:26,381 --> 00:04:28,501 Sorry - I didn't mean you were a big lass. 117 00:04:28,541 --> 00:04:29,741 Um, that's good to know. 118 00:04:29,781 --> 00:04:31,261 Martin! 119 00:04:31,301 --> 00:04:32,581 Yes, do keep talking. 120 00:04:32,621 --> 00:04:34,581 Ooh - the champagne. Go on. 121 00:04:34,621 --> 00:04:37,661 Jackie has made chicken soup tonight. 122 00:04:37,701 --> 00:04:39,741 Er, yes. Thank you. 123 00:04:39,781 --> 00:04:41,701 And your waiter for this evening is... 124 00:04:41,741 --> 00:04:44,021 - (THEY LAUGH) - But if you don't want any, 125 00:04:44,061 --> 00:04:45,821 that's not a problem at all. 126 00:04:45,861 --> 00:04:47,621 That's not a weird thing to say. 127 00:04:47,661 --> 00:04:48,581 Are you feeling all right? 128 00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:50,941 - Hmm? - Well, I love chicken soup. 129 00:04:50,981 --> 00:04:52,981 Oh, man, just give it to me in a bucket! 130 00:04:53,021 --> 00:04:54,141 A bucket! 131 00:04:54,181 --> 00:04:56,901 - Actually, make that two buckets! - And two straws! 132 00:04:56,941 --> 00:05:00,661 Two straws! Oh, aren't they funny?! 133 00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:01,861 BOYS: Yes, Mum. 134 00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:05,701 Er, but if you do change your minds, other items are provided. 135 00:05:05,741 --> 00:05:08,141 That's not a much weirder thing to say. 136 00:05:08,181 --> 00:05:09,221 Just get the champagne, 137 00:05:09,261 --> 00:05:10,501 - will you, weirdo? - Oh, yeah. 138 00:05:10,541 --> 00:05:14,181 Cos I was meant to get the champagne when I was out buying the potatoes. 139 00:05:14,221 --> 00:05:15,341 Yes, that's right. 140 00:05:16,461 --> 00:05:17,861 You forgot the champagne, didn't you? 141 00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,301 I remembered the potatoes. 142 00:05:19,341 --> 00:05:21,301 Oh, Martin! 143 00:05:21,341 --> 00:05:22,461 Seriously? 144 00:05:23,461 --> 00:05:26,301 One second. Just talk to the girls, will you? 145 00:05:26,341 --> 00:05:28,381 What? (SEXY VOICE) Of course I'll talk to the girls. 146 00:05:28,421 --> 00:05:29,741 Rowrr! 147 00:05:29,781 --> 00:05:31,981 Please don't talk to the girls. 148 00:05:33,461 --> 00:05:34,541 Right, lads - come on. 149 00:05:34,581 --> 00:05:35,621 - Sorry? - What? 150 00:05:35,661 --> 00:05:37,581 - I need a word. - Well, go on, then. 151 00:05:37,621 --> 00:05:39,421 Well, not in here, you pillocks. Not in front of the... 152 00:05:39,461 --> 00:05:41,221 ...females. 153 00:05:41,261 --> 00:05:42,301 BOTH LUCYS: "Females"? 154 00:05:42,341 --> 00:05:43,701 Oh, my God. 155 00:05:43,741 --> 00:05:45,861 In my, you know...office. 156 00:05:45,901 --> 00:05:48,021 - Urgh. - Office means toilet. 157 00:05:49,981 --> 00:05:51,981 Seriously, just get it over with. 158 00:05:52,021 --> 00:05:54,101 - Get what over with? - "Females", obviously. 159 00:05:55,661 --> 00:05:57,381 No, it's not females. Now, listen. 160 00:05:57,421 --> 00:05:59,461 If it's about wearing a sheath again, 161 00:05:59,501 --> 00:06:01,341 - well, I'm sorry, but... - There's glass in the soup. 162 00:06:01,381 --> 00:06:02,181 - What? - There's what?! 163 00:06:02,221 --> 00:06:04,661 Shh! I don't want your bloody mother to know! 164 00:06:04,701 --> 00:06:07,941 There's some glass in the soup, all right? 165 00:06:07,981 --> 00:06:09,301 - All right?! - Glass in the soup?! 166 00:06:09,341 --> 00:06:10,501 What are you talking about? 167 00:06:10,541 --> 00:06:12,061 - Well, you know what glass is? - BOTH: Yes. 168 00:06:12,101 --> 00:06:13,581 - And you know what soup is? - (GROANS) 169 00:06:13,621 --> 00:06:14,941 Well, one of them is in the other. 170 00:06:14,981 --> 00:06:16,341 - How? Why?! - (SIGHS) 171 00:06:16,381 --> 00:06:18,261 Your mum asked me to stir the soup. 172 00:06:18,301 --> 00:06:20,821 Her first error. And then I accidentally smashed the bulb 173 00:06:20,861 --> 00:06:22,781 in the extractor fan thing above the pot and it sort of... 174 00:06:22,821 --> 00:06:25,701 Exploded right into the soup? Oh, you're such a bloody idiot! 175 00:06:25,741 --> 00:06:26,421 - Shut up! - Ow! 176 00:06:26,461 --> 00:06:29,181 OK, so there's glass in the soup, and you want us not to tell Mum, 177 00:06:29,221 --> 00:06:31,541 despite the fact that if she drinks any, she's going straight to hospital? 178 00:06:31,581 --> 00:06:33,581 Yeah - should I call the ambulance now, or...? 179 00:06:33,621 --> 00:06:36,221 She's not going to hospital, stupid babies! 180 00:06:36,261 --> 00:06:39,061 Just don't say a bloody word, or she'll chop my sodding hands off. 181 00:06:39,101 --> 00:06:41,421 - But Dad... - And you better not tell your birds. 182 00:06:41,461 --> 00:06:43,421 - We're definitely telling our birds. - What?! 183 00:06:43,461 --> 00:06:44,181 Why? 184 00:06:44,221 --> 00:06:46,461 Why?! So they don't end up in intensive care! 185 00:06:46,501 --> 00:06:48,021 Yeah. Next to Mum. 186 00:06:48,061 --> 00:06:50,581 Nothing's going to happen - I sieved most of the stuff. 187 00:06:50,621 --> 00:06:51,741 Most of it. 188 00:06:51,781 --> 00:06:53,301 Yeah! And I picked out the main shards. 189 00:06:53,341 --> 00:06:55,701 Oh, good, so the main shards of glass are gone. 190 00:06:55,741 --> 00:06:57,461 What about the less main shards of glass? 191 00:06:57,501 --> 00:06:59,661 Yeah, the ones that only pierce the less main organs when swallowed, 192 00:06:59,701 --> 00:07:01,061 you know - like the oesophagus, 193 00:07:01,101 --> 00:07:02,581 - or the spleen. - (THWACK) 194 00:07:02,621 --> 00:07:04,421 - Dad! - (KNOCKING) 195 00:07:04,461 --> 00:07:06,141 JACKIE: What are you doing in there? 196 00:07:07,741 --> 00:07:09,781 Hello, my sweet. 197 00:07:09,821 --> 00:07:12,341 - What are you all doing? It's rude. - Er... 198 00:07:12,381 --> 00:07:15,301 ...just having a, you know, man-to-man chat. 199 00:07:15,341 --> 00:07:16,901 Oh, I see. 200 00:07:16,941 --> 00:07:18,341 Won't be long, love. 201 00:07:18,381 --> 00:07:20,501 They're lovely girls! 202 00:07:23,381 --> 00:07:25,061 And yet, only five minutes later, 203 00:07:25,101 --> 00:07:27,181 she was tearing at her throat in agony. 204 00:07:27,221 --> 00:07:29,661 Berk. So don't say a bloody word, OK? 205 00:07:29,701 --> 00:07:31,061 It had to be tonight, didn't it? 206 00:07:31,101 --> 00:07:34,581 Oh, stop fussing - a bit of glass never did anyone any harm. 207 00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:35,461 - Huh? - What? 208 00:07:35,501 --> 00:07:38,581 Just drink from the side of the bowl, don't touch anything on the bottom. 209 00:07:42,821 --> 00:07:44,781 We have to eat glass. 210 00:07:44,821 --> 00:07:45,901 (WHINES) 211 00:07:48,941 --> 00:07:52,301 There we are. Some chickieboo soup for you. 212 00:07:52,341 --> 00:07:55,861 - And a nice big bucket for you! - Ha! 213 00:07:55,901 --> 00:07:57,061 Thanks. 214 00:07:57,101 --> 00:08:00,621 Well, tuck in, everyone! Oh... 215 00:08:00,661 --> 00:08:02,381 Silly me - I forgot my own spoon. 216 00:08:02,421 --> 00:08:05,581 Or maybe I'll get myself a straw, eh, girls? 217 00:08:05,621 --> 00:08:07,181 - (NERVOUS LAUGHTER) - I'm sorry, 218 00:08:07,221 --> 00:08:08,861 but glass? You've got to tell your mum. 219 00:08:08,901 --> 00:08:10,941 - Luce. - Obviously you have to tell her. 220 00:08:10,981 --> 00:08:12,981 (SIGHS) I know - but it doesn't really work like that 221 00:08:13,021 --> 00:08:14,181 in this house, does it, Jonny? 222 00:08:14,221 --> 00:08:16,021 No, it doesn't. Does it, Dad? 223 00:08:16,061 --> 00:08:17,181 Mmm? 224 00:08:17,221 --> 00:08:18,261 And you're going to drink that, are you? 225 00:08:18,301 --> 00:08:20,901 What do you think I'm going to do with it? Funnel it up my bum? 226 00:08:20,941 --> 00:08:24,381 Look, just drink from the side of the bowl, and you should be fine. 227 00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:25,821 So we're just going to sit here 228 00:08:25,861 --> 00:08:28,261 and watch your mum choke to death, are we? 229 00:08:28,301 --> 00:08:30,221 It is sort of the easiest option. 230 00:08:31,221 --> 00:08:32,661 Sorry, everyone. 231 00:08:32,701 --> 00:08:34,221 How's the soup? 232 00:08:34,261 --> 00:08:36,421 - Lovely. - It's really nice. 233 00:08:36,461 --> 00:08:37,661 Aww, thanks. 234 00:08:38,901 --> 00:08:39,901 So... 235 00:08:41,301 --> 00:08:45,621 Er...the school I work in has just had a swimming pool put in. 236 00:08:45,661 --> 00:08:47,741 Oh! Um, has it? 237 00:08:47,781 --> 00:08:49,181 Yeah. Ha! 238 00:08:49,221 --> 00:08:51,541 Erm, but, erm... 239 00:08:51,581 --> 00:08:55,501 I wish our office had a swimming pool! 240 00:08:55,541 --> 00:08:59,501 Oh, do you? And is it a nice big office, then? 241 00:08:59,541 --> 00:09:03,621 Um, well, it's just two of us, really, but still, a pool would be nice. 242 00:09:03,661 --> 00:09:04,981 Oh, God, yeah, 243 00:09:05,021 --> 00:09:06,461 - a pool! - (DOORBELL) 244 00:09:07,701 --> 00:09:09,021 I'll get it. 245 00:09:09,061 --> 00:09:11,021 And please - someone eat something! 246 00:09:11,061 --> 00:09:12,701 (LAUGHS) 247 00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,941 Oh, my God - "a new swimming pool"? 248 00:09:17,941 --> 00:09:19,221 And you're having more?! 249 00:09:19,261 --> 00:09:20,341 Glass-Eater of the Year. 250 00:09:20,381 --> 00:09:21,501 Shut your gobs! 251 00:09:21,541 --> 00:09:23,501 Right, well, if you don't say anything, we bloody will. 252 00:09:23,541 --> 00:09:25,341 Yeah! God - all right! 253 00:09:25,381 --> 00:09:27,021 Gitfaces. 254 00:09:27,061 --> 00:09:29,581 Erm, I'm really sorry, everyone, but... 255 00:09:29,621 --> 00:09:30,781 Hello, all! 256 00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:33,341 - Oh, no... - Hello, Jim. 257 00:09:33,381 --> 00:09:35,501 Er, this is Jim. Our neighbour. 258 00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:37,341 - Friend. - Neighbour. 259 00:09:37,381 --> 00:09:38,741 Neighbour and friend. 260 00:09:38,781 --> 00:09:40,421 - (MILSON WHINES) - Er...? 261 00:09:40,461 --> 00:09:44,941 Boys, your mother told me you'd both brought girls round 262 00:09:44,981 --> 00:09:48,141 - for dinner. - Er, yes. 263 00:09:48,181 --> 00:09:50,541 And are those the girls? 264 00:09:50,581 --> 00:09:53,461 - I think so. - Yes, Jim, those are the girls. 265 00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:54,901 Hello, girls. 266 00:09:54,941 --> 00:09:56,541 - BOTH: Hi. - I'm Lucy. 267 00:09:56,581 --> 00:09:58,501 I'm... I'm also Lucy. 268 00:09:58,541 --> 00:10:01,141 So you're...one person... 269 00:10:01,181 --> 00:10:02,901 ...in two bodies? 270 00:10:02,941 --> 00:10:05,621 - What?! - Er, well, goodnight, Jim. 271 00:10:05,661 --> 00:10:06,861 Oh, yes. 272 00:10:06,901 --> 00:10:10,021 Oh, just to let you know, 273 00:10:10,061 --> 00:10:12,101 Milson's been sick. 274 00:10:12,141 --> 00:10:14,581 Right, well, thanks for letting us know. 275 00:10:14,621 --> 00:10:16,101 All over your drive. 276 00:10:16,141 --> 00:10:17,021 Wonderful. 277 00:10:19,021 --> 00:10:20,541 - Here, Jackie. - Mmm. 278 00:10:20,581 --> 00:10:22,101 A nice big bag of dog sick. 279 00:10:22,141 --> 00:10:24,941 Maybe just put that in your bin when you get home? 280 00:10:24,981 --> 00:10:27,181 Yes, of course, Jackie. In my bin. 281 00:10:27,221 --> 00:10:28,421 Bye, all! 282 00:10:30,741 --> 00:10:32,501 Yes, goodbye... 283 00:10:32,541 --> 00:10:34,061 ...the Lucy. 284 00:10:36,461 --> 00:10:39,821 - Erm, he seemed nice. - He's not. 285 00:10:39,861 --> 00:10:41,981 So, you are gonna tell her, aren't you? 286 00:10:42,021 --> 00:10:43,541 Oh, shut your face! 287 00:10:43,581 --> 00:10:46,461 Oh, I do apologise. 288 00:10:46,501 --> 00:10:48,741 Maybe we can all get back to our meal, then, eh? 289 00:10:50,901 --> 00:10:52,181 Argh! 290 00:10:53,221 --> 00:10:54,261 Are you all right, Martin? 291 00:10:54,301 --> 00:10:58,061 Oh, I suddenly feel all...dizzy. 292 00:10:58,101 --> 00:10:59,141 JACKIE: Martin? 293 00:11:00,741 --> 00:11:01,901 Er, what are you doing?! 294 00:11:01,941 --> 00:11:03,661 So terribly dizzy. 295 00:11:03,701 --> 00:11:04,661 Er... 296 00:11:04,701 --> 00:11:07,061 Oh, my God. Why did you do that? 297 00:11:07,101 --> 00:11:09,421 - Huh? - You just poured all my soup away! 298 00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:11,661 Did I? I don't remember. 299 00:11:11,701 --> 00:11:15,301 OK, just give me your soup, will you, and stop mucking about. 300 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,181 - (MARTIN GROANS) - Martin! 301 00:11:18,421 --> 00:11:19,941 I am sorry, girls. 302 00:11:19,981 --> 00:11:21,821 Ha! That's OK... 303 00:11:21,861 --> 00:11:23,061 Well, come on, then. 304 00:11:23,101 --> 00:11:25,021 Ohh, dizzy again. 305 00:11:25,061 --> 00:11:26,021 Oh, my God. 306 00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:28,221 - Arghhh! - (JACKIE SQUEALS) 307 00:11:28,261 --> 00:11:29,341 - God! - Dad! 308 00:11:29,381 --> 00:11:30,061 Jesus! 309 00:11:30,101 --> 00:11:32,541 - Martin! - Burning! Burning! 310 00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:37,061 (SQUEALS) 311 00:11:37,101 --> 00:11:38,501 That's better. 312 00:11:47,021 --> 00:11:48,541 What the hell is wrong with you? 313 00:11:48,581 --> 00:11:51,061 What? I told you, I just suddenly felt all... 314 00:11:51,101 --> 00:11:54,261 OK. Are you trying to show off? Is that it? 315 00:11:54,301 --> 00:11:56,221 Are you trying to impress the girls? The young girls? 316 00:11:56,261 --> 00:11:58,261 - Impress the young girls?! - Cos I've got news for you, 317 00:11:58,301 --> 00:12:02,141 Martin Goodman - they're your sons' girlfriends! 318 00:12:02,181 --> 00:12:05,501 Jackie, you make it sound as if I'm having intercourse with them! 319 00:12:05,541 --> 00:12:06,821 Er... 320 00:12:06,861 --> 00:12:08,381 - Sorry. - Oh, hi. Thanks. 321 00:12:08,421 --> 00:12:10,061 Just put them over there. 322 00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:19,141 - (GASPS) The girls left everything. - Well... 323 00:12:19,181 --> 00:12:21,741 ...maybe they're just not that mad on chicken soup. 324 00:12:21,781 --> 00:12:24,421 Martin, they said they wanted to drink it out of a bloody bucket! 325 00:12:24,461 --> 00:12:27,541 Oh, God! They hate my food. 326 00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:28,941 Course they don't hate your food. 327 00:12:28,981 --> 00:12:31,061 - They do! I've ruined everything. - Jackie... 328 00:12:31,101 --> 00:12:32,941 They're gonna dump them, Martin, I know it. 329 00:12:32,981 --> 00:12:34,541 - They're going to dump the boys! - Er... 330 00:12:34,581 --> 00:12:35,941 Oh! 331 00:12:35,981 --> 00:12:37,141 - Er... - Probably best 332 00:12:37,181 --> 00:12:38,781 if we stop coming in and out of the kitchen. 333 00:12:38,821 --> 00:12:40,781 Just wait in the bleeding dining room, will you?! 334 00:12:40,821 --> 00:12:42,821 How kind. 335 00:12:42,861 --> 00:12:45,421 Come on, Jackie. In a couple of minutes, we'll all be tucking in 336 00:12:45,461 --> 00:12:47,821 - to your delicious roast chicken. - Which they'll hate. 337 00:12:47,861 --> 00:12:49,701 They won't hate your chicken! 338 00:12:49,741 --> 00:12:51,981 Oh, come here. 339 00:12:53,341 --> 00:12:57,701 I know it sounds silly, Martin, but it's a big night for me. 340 00:12:57,741 --> 00:12:58,901 I know, love, I know. 341 00:12:58,941 --> 00:13:00,661 A very big night. 342 00:13:00,701 --> 00:13:02,301 Oh, Martin. 343 00:13:02,341 --> 00:13:03,501 (KNOCKING) 344 00:13:03,541 --> 00:13:05,701 - Eh? - Who the hell's that? 345 00:13:09,141 --> 00:13:10,621 Sick again, Jackie! 346 00:13:15,221 --> 00:13:17,141 Here we are. 347 00:13:17,181 --> 00:13:18,501 Ah, yes, the chicken - 348 00:13:18,541 --> 00:13:19,741 which is without glass? 349 00:13:19,781 --> 00:13:21,581 - (THWACK) - Ow! 350 00:13:21,621 --> 00:13:22,901 Right. 351 00:13:22,941 --> 00:13:24,381 Chickieboo for you. 352 00:13:24,421 --> 00:13:25,581 Thanks, Mum. 353 00:13:25,621 --> 00:13:26,861 And chickieboo for you. 354 00:13:26,901 --> 00:13:28,341 Chickieboo! 355 00:13:28,381 --> 00:13:29,381 Chickiebooboo! 356 00:13:29,421 --> 00:13:31,341 (ALL LAUGH) 357 00:13:31,381 --> 00:13:35,181 Girls, Jackie's made a fabulous roast chicken tonight, 358 00:13:35,221 --> 00:13:38,261 and we both hope that you enjoy the taste. 359 00:13:38,301 --> 00:13:39,781 - Er... thanks. - Thanks. 360 00:13:39,821 --> 00:13:41,221 Please put your crack pipe away. 361 00:13:45,221 --> 00:13:47,381 - Er, Jonny and I are going away tomorrow. - Are you? 362 00:13:47,421 --> 00:13:49,901 Yeah, Lucy's taking me to Brighton for the weekend. Isn't that cool? 363 00:13:49,941 --> 00:13:51,861 Aww, isn't that nice of her? 364 00:13:51,901 --> 00:13:53,341 And so modern! 365 00:13:53,381 --> 00:13:54,981 Well, it is the 19th century! 366 00:13:56,901 --> 00:13:58,541 Are you going to take Adam away for the weekend? 367 00:13:58,581 --> 00:13:59,941 Dad! 368 00:13:59,981 --> 00:14:01,661 A dirty weekend?! 369 00:14:01,701 --> 00:14:03,861 (CHORTLES) 370 00:14:03,901 --> 00:14:05,421 God! (SIGHS) 371 00:14:05,461 --> 00:14:06,461 Ignore him, love. 372 00:14:06,501 --> 00:14:07,701 (TUTS) 373 00:14:07,741 --> 00:14:10,501 - Er...nice chicken? - God, it's good. 374 00:14:10,541 --> 00:14:12,701 - Oh, it's so nice. - See, Jackie? 375 00:14:12,741 --> 00:14:14,701 The girls don't hate your food. 376 00:14:19,701 --> 00:14:22,781 So, what are you two up to this weekend, then? 377 00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:25,981 Um, well, we thought we might just kinda do a lazy 378 00:14:26,021 --> 00:14:27,221 pub lunch thing, you know? 379 00:14:27,261 --> 00:14:29,501 Ooh, I love a pub lunch! 380 00:14:29,541 --> 00:14:32,421 I'm sure it won't be as nice as this, though, Jackie. 381 00:14:32,461 --> 00:14:35,021 - (JONNY MOUTHS) - JACKIE: Thank you, sweetie! 382 00:14:35,061 --> 00:14:36,781 (MOUTHS) 383 00:14:40,501 --> 00:14:41,821 Everything all right? 384 00:14:41,861 --> 00:14:43,221 Mmm? 385 00:14:43,261 --> 00:14:44,581 What are you looking at in there? 386 00:14:44,621 --> 00:14:47,461 Girls, I think he's found those nails I added earlier! 387 00:14:47,501 --> 00:14:50,461 (JACKIE LAUGHS) 388 00:14:50,501 --> 00:14:52,181 What? 389 00:14:53,261 --> 00:14:54,501 What?! 390 00:14:55,661 --> 00:14:57,061 (SIGHS) 391 00:14:57,101 --> 00:14:59,541 - There's glass in the chicken! - The food's got glass in it. 392 00:14:59,581 --> 00:15:01,301 - Huh? - You bloody sods! 393 00:15:01,341 --> 00:15:02,541 - Dad! - Dad! 394 00:15:02,581 --> 00:15:03,581 Martin, oh, my God! 395 00:15:03,621 --> 00:15:04,701 - (THWACK) - Ow! 396 00:15:04,741 --> 00:15:05,941 There's glass in the food? 397 00:15:05,981 --> 00:15:07,341 - Um... - Er... 398 00:15:07,381 --> 00:15:08,381 Don't you dare! 399 00:15:08,421 --> 00:15:10,061 Sorry, Dad. Dad got glass in the chicken. 400 00:15:10,101 --> 00:15:12,021 - Glass in the chicken. - You shitheads! 401 00:15:12,061 --> 00:15:13,941 - And also in... - And also in the soup. 402 00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:15,301 You shitting shitheads! 403 00:15:15,341 --> 00:15:17,301 So there was glass in the food, and you didn't tell me? 404 00:15:17,341 --> 00:15:18,781 Well, they didn't tell you, did they? 405 00:15:18,821 --> 00:15:19,981 - (OTHERS GASP) - Oh, my God! 406 00:15:20,021 --> 00:15:21,301 That is so low! 407 00:15:21,341 --> 00:15:24,101 I can't believe it! My entire dinner had bloody glass in it! 408 00:15:24,141 --> 00:15:26,261 Not the bread. The bread didn't have glass in it. 409 00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:27,501 - (THWACK) Ow! 410 00:15:27,541 --> 00:15:30,781 Do you know how long I sweated over this bloody meal? 411 00:15:30,821 --> 00:15:31,901 - Mum... - And do you know 412 00:15:31,941 --> 00:15:34,341 how long I've waited for this night? 413 00:15:34,381 --> 00:15:36,541 (SNIFFS) For my boys to bring home... 414 00:15:37,581 --> 00:15:39,501 ...their lovely girls? 415 00:15:39,541 --> 00:15:40,981 (SOBS) 416 00:15:43,781 --> 00:15:45,221 Great. 417 00:15:45,261 --> 00:15:46,941 Thanks a lot, arse-brains. 418 00:15:48,061 --> 00:15:49,141 Jackie! 419 00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:53,781 Jackie! 420 00:15:53,821 --> 00:15:56,581 And that's our mum and dad. 421 00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:02,541 - (SNIFFS) - Here we are. 422 00:16:02,581 --> 00:16:04,061 One extra-large gin and tonic. 423 00:16:04,101 --> 00:16:06,301 Aw, thank you, darlings. 424 00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:08,061 - That's all right. - Seriously, 425 00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:09,581 you can have it in a bucket if you like. 426 00:16:10,661 --> 00:16:11,901 Sorry, again, love. 427 00:16:11,941 --> 00:16:13,421 Did you say something, Martin? 428 00:16:13,461 --> 00:16:16,381 So...what are we going to have for dinner, then? 429 00:16:16,421 --> 00:16:18,941 - I could make something. - Oh, sure. 430 00:16:18,981 --> 00:16:21,821 Yeah, I think we've all swallowed enough glass tonight, thank you. 431 00:16:21,861 --> 00:16:23,781 There's crumble. 432 00:16:23,821 --> 00:16:25,101 We can't just eat crumble. 433 00:16:25,141 --> 00:16:27,021 We can just eat crumble. Everyone loves crumble. 434 00:16:27,061 --> 00:16:29,261 I could eat crumble out of a bloody... ...cement-mixer! 435 00:16:29,301 --> 00:16:31,221 Make that two bloody cement-mixers! 436 00:16:31,261 --> 00:16:32,581 With two bloody spades! 437 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,661 You're lovely girls. 438 00:16:37,781 --> 00:16:40,701 - Right, then, crumble for dinner! - Yay! 439 00:16:40,741 --> 00:16:41,741 Crimble crumble! 440 00:16:41,781 --> 00:16:44,181 Crimble crumble! Aww. 441 00:16:44,221 --> 00:16:45,541 Come on, girls. 442 00:16:45,581 --> 00:16:48,341 Lovely Lucys. 443 00:16:48,381 --> 00:16:50,621 OK - is there any glass in the crumble? 444 00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:51,901 Piss off! 445 00:16:53,661 --> 00:16:55,301 Da-da! 446 00:16:55,341 --> 00:16:58,141 - Crimble crumble! - Crimble crumble! 447 00:16:58,181 --> 00:16:59,901 What fun, eh, girls? 448 00:16:59,941 --> 00:17:01,421 Oh, yeah. 449 00:17:01,461 --> 00:17:05,101 Actually, Martin, why don't you, you know, say a few words? 450 00:17:05,141 --> 00:17:06,301 A few words? 451 00:17:06,341 --> 00:17:07,701 Go on, say something nice. 452 00:17:07,741 --> 00:17:09,501 Um...OK, love. 453 00:17:10,901 --> 00:17:12,301 And stand by. 454 00:17:12,341 --> 00:17:13,541 (CLEARS HIS THROAT) 455 00:17:13,581 --> 00:17:15,341 - Hear ye! Hear ye! - (GLASS SMASHES) 456 00:17:15,381 --> 00:17:16,581 (ALL GASP) 457 00:17:16,621 --> 00:17:18,381 - Oh, dear. - Dad! 458 00:17:18,421 --> 00:17:19,781 - Oh, my God! - You idiot! 459 00:17:19,821 --> 00:17:23,221 I can't believe it! You just got bloody glass in my crumble! 460 00:17:23,261 --> 00:17:24,821 Jackie, it was an accident. 461 00:17:24,861 --> 00:17:27,301 You've got glass in everything tonight! Everything! 462 00:17:27,341 --> 00:17:28,741 Calm down, Jackie. 463 00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:31,141 Don't tell me to effing calm down! 464 00:17:31,181 --> 00:17:32,661 Mum! Right, just get out, will you? 465 00:17:32,701 --> 00:17:34,901 - What? Really? - You heard me! 466 00:17:34,941 --> 00:17:37,621 You've ruined the whole bloody night! Just get... 467 00:17:37,661 --> 00:17:38,781 I'm pregnant! 468 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,821 I'm gonna have a baby. 469 00:17:46,981 --> 00:17:49,821 Shi-i-i-it! 470 00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:50,981 I'm sorry? 471 00:17:51,021 --> 00:17:53,541 She's... We're... 472 00:17:53,581 --> 00:17:54,981 Lucy's having a baby. 473 00:17:57,421 --> 00:17:58,661 You mean... 474 00:17:58,701 --> 00:18:01,141 ...I'm going to be a grandma? 475 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:03,981 Well, that's sort of how it works. 476 00:18:04,021 --> 00:18:06,861 Oh, my God! 477 00:18:06,901 --> 00:18:09,581 Oh, Bobble! 478 00:18:09,621 --> 00:18:13,701 - And sweetie-pie! - Aw, thank you, Jackie! 479 00:18:13,741 --> 00:18:16,701 Oh, that's wonderful! 480 00:18:16,741 --> 00:18:19,101 Yeah, nice one, Pusface. 481 00:18:19,141 --> 00:18:21,461 - Cheers. - Yeah, I hated having babies. 482 00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:22,621 Er...? 483 00:18:22,661 --> 00:18:25,021 You basically spend the whole time up to your neck in excrement. 484 00:18:25,061 --> 00:18:26,861 - Thank you. - Um... 485 00:18:26,901 --> 00:18:28,221 ..I'm also pregnant. 486 00:18:28,261 --> 00:18:29,541 (NERVOUS LAUGH) 487 00:18:32,341 --> 00:18:33,741 - What? - What?! 488 00:18:33,781 --> 00:18:36,061 I'm...pregnant as well. 489 00:18:36,101 --> 00:18:37,821 - She's up the duff too? - Shh! 490 00:18:37,861 --> 00:18:39,781 Shi-i-i-it. 491 00:18:39,821 --> 00:18:42,301 You're pregnant? What do you mean you're pregnant? 492 00:18:42,341 --> 00:18:43,821 Why didn't you tell me? 493 00:18:43,861 --> 00:18:45,661 I was going to tell you when we were away, 494 00:18:45,701 --> 00:18:47,101 and make it all special, 495 00:18:47,141 --> 00:18:49,861 but then this happened... 496 00:18:51,221 --> 00:18:52,341 ..and... 497 00:18:53,661 --> 00:18:55,421 Well, aren't you happy? 498 00:18:57,021 --> 00:18:59,141 He certainly looks happy. 499 00:18:59,181 --> 00:19:01,141 Babe! 500 00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:02,221 Of course I'm happy! 501 00:19:03,661 --> 00:19:06,261 It's incredible! Oh, my God! 502 00:19:06,301 --> 00:19:08,341 I can't bloody believe it! 503 00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:11,661 Aww! Lovely Lucy! 504 00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:15,821 And lovely Jonnyboo! 505 00:19:15,861 --> 00:19:17,421 Well done, bambinos! 506 00:19:19,581 --> 00:19:23,541 Just to say, I am definitely going to faint at some point this evening! 507 00:19:33,061 --> 00:19:34,541 Wow. 508 00:19:34,581 --> 00:19:36,101 Wow. 509 00:19:36,141 --> 00:19:37,581 We're going to be dads. 510 00:19:37,621 --> 00:19:38,781 I know. 511 00:19:38,821 --> 00:19:40,061 Terrible dads. 512 00:19:40,101 --> 00:19:41,541 Obviously terrible dads. 513 00:19:43,461 --> 00:19:45,061 I guess we'll have to... 514 00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:46,341 What? 515 00:19:46,381 --> 00:19:48,181 Grow up. 516 00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:49,941 I know. 517 00:19:51,021 --> 00:19:53,501 You'll still put salt in my water, though, right? 518 00:19:53,541 --> 00:19:55,581 Oh, yeah - salt, washing-up liquid, acid. 519 00:19:55,621 --> 00:19:56,901 Cool. 520 00:19:56,941 --> 00:19:58,141 'Scuse me. 521 00:19:59,181 --> 00:20:00,461 What do you think, eh, Dad? 522 00:20:00,501 --> 00:20:03,421 Well, you won't be needing sheaths for the next couple of months, will you? 523 00:20:03,461 --> 00:20:05,501 - (GROANS) - Thank you! 524 00:20:07,341 --> 00:20:08,861 Grotty, isn't he? 525 00:20:08,901 --> 00:20:11,021 Absolutely disgusting. 526 00:20:11,061 --> 00:20:12,341 My boys! 527 00:20:12,381 --> 00:20:13,861 - Please... - Oh, my Bobbles! 528 00:20:13,901 --> 00:20:15,221 Mum! 529 00:20:15,261 --> 00:20:19,181 Oh, I am so happy! I am so bloody happy! 530 00:20:19,221 --> 00:20:21,221 Mum! 531 00:20:21,261 --> 00:20:23,141 Go on, go and see your girls. 532 00:20:23,181 --> 00:20:26,221 Oh, and if you ever do have a wedding, don't let your dad do the catering! 533 00:20:26,261 --> 00:20:27,701 (LAUGHS) 534 00:20:28,781 --> 00:20:31,901 - You all right over there? - Yeah. 535 00:20:31,941 --> 00:20:34,741 - Got some rotting egg on my... - I really don't want to know right now. 536 00:20:34,781 --> 00:20:36,421 Course. Sorry. 537 00:20:37,581 --> 00:20:39,781 We're going to be grandparents, Martin. 538 00:20:39,821 --> 00:20:42,421 I know. I can't believe it. 539 00:20:42,461 --> 00:20:44,621 Do you remember when the boys were little? 540 00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:46,421 What, little shitting machines? 541 00:20:46,461 --> 00:20:48,581 You're really not spoiling the moment, Martin. 542 00:20:48,621 --> 00:20:49,701 Sorry, love. 543 00:20:51,581 --> 00:20:52,941 It's wonderful, really, isn't it? 544 00:20:52,981 --> 00:20:54,541 Yeah. 545 00:20:56,021 --> 00:20:58,461 It's just lovely. 546 00:21:05,381 --> 00:21:06,541 Yes! 547 00:21:08,421 --> 00:21:09,981 You've done it, Jackie! 548 00:21:10,021 --> 00:21:11,461 Grandchildren! 549 00:21:11,501 --> 00:21:13,021 You've done it! 550 00:21:14,221 --> 00:21:16,301 - Hello, Jackie! - Oh, Jim! 551 00:21:16,341 --> 00:21:17,421 Jim, we've just had 552 00:21:17,461 --> 00:21:21,021 - the most amazing news! - So have I, Jackie. 553 00:21:21,061 --> 00:21:23,541 Milson's just had babies! 554 00:21:25,301 --> 00:21:26,661 (PUPPIES SQUEAK) 555 00:21:30,301 --> 00:21:33,301 I just had no idea that Milson was pregnant. 556 00:21:33,341 --> 00:21:38,301 Maybe that's why she kept vomiting all over the place. 557 00:21:38,341 --> 00:21:40,461 - All over our place. - And to think, 558 00:21:40,501 --> 00:21:45,741 I now have not just one dog, but a whole box full of dogs. 559 00:21:48,701 --> 00:21:51,381 Come on...baby Milsons. 560 00:21:51,421 --> 00:21:52,821 Aww. 561 00:21:57,221 --> 00:21:59,981 Do you know what? I fancy a boogie. 562 00:22:00,021 --> 00:22:02,141 Girls - a boogie? 563 00:22:02,181 --> 00:22:04,501 - Oh, yeah! Always love a boogie! - I'll have a boogie! 564 00:22:04,541 --> 00:22:06,341 I'm definitely not having a boogie. 565 00:22:06,381 --> 00:22:08,741 - No way! - What's a boogie? 566 00:22:08,781 --> 00:22:12,141 - (DANCE MUSIC) - Oh, that's a boogie. 567 00:22:15,381 --> 00:22:16,541 Come on, Martin! 568 00:22:24,541 --> 00:22:27,181 - Oh! - Horrible, isn't it? 569 00:22:27,221 --> 00:22:29,701 It's like the start of some terrifying sex party. 570 00:22:33,221 --> 00:22:34,781 It's all good though, innit, Pusface? 571 00:22:34,821 --> 00:22:36,581 Yeah, Pissface. 572 00:22:36,621 --> 00:22:37,621 It's all good. 573 00:22:39,061 --> 00:22:40,301 Come on. 574 00:22:41,821 --> 00:22:43,141 (ALL CHEER) 575 00:22:43,181 --> 00:22:45,381 Turn it up, Martin, turn it up! 576 00:22:48,581 --> 00:22:50,941 (SONG CHANGES TO SHOW'S THEME MUSIC) 577 00:23:19,061 --> 00:23:21,901 Oh, Martin! 578 00:23:21,941 --> 00:23:23,781 Dad! 579 00:23:25,781 --> 00:23:27,581 Shit on it.