1
00:00:01,074 --> 00:00:02,458
Thank you.
2
00:00:02,460 --> 00:00:05,136
That was, like,
our tenth gay guy tonight.
3
00:00:05,137 --> 00:00:08,083
Let's hope our gay buzz lasts
longer than Adam Lambert’s.
4
00:00:08,584 --> 00:00:10,800
Oh, it will.
I'm all over it.
5
00:00:10,801 --> 00:00:13,002
And by "it," I mean
I'm all over grindr.
6
00:00:13,004 --> 00:00:15,295
Max, why are you
on that app?
7
00:00:15,296 --> 00:00:17,915
You're not a gay man
looking for anonymous sex.
8
00:00:17,916 --> 00:00:20,559
Don't put me in a box!
9
00:00:21,307 --> 00:00:23,624
You told me to find ways
to drum up business.
10
00:00:23,625 --> 00:00:27,066
Well, I'm drumming it up
by showing off this guy's "bid'ness."
11
00:00:27,806 --> 00:00:31,925
I pretended to be a rough and ready Puerto
Rican guy who still likes to cuddle.
12
00:00:31,927 --> 00:00:34,907
That there's gay chum,
my friend.
13
00:00:35,796 --> 00:00:38,374
Ooh, I hooked a big one.
Get the net.
14
00:00:39,351 --> 00:00:43,937
Hi. Was a muscular
Puerto Rican guy just here?
15
00:00:43,939 --> 00:00:45,822
When is there not?
16
00:00:45,824 --> 00:00:49,308
Would you like to purchase
a delicious cupcake while you wait?
17
00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:52,145
Well, maybe,
while I wait.
18
00:00:52,147 --> 00:00:54,414
My phone says
he's right here.
19
00:00:54,416 --> 00:00:59,717
Here, this is on the house, because
the muscular gay guy, that's him.
20
00:01:00,851 --> 00:01:03,385
It's cool
that you're transitioning,
21
00:01:03,458 --> 00:01:06,626
but you really should let people
know you're not Puerto Rican.
22
00:01:06,628 --> 00:01:08,553
[Mouthing words]
23
00:01:12,016 --> 00:01:16,269
Well.... He said he was 22
and butch, so I'm mad too.
24
00:01:17,655 --> 00:01:19,889
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
25
00:01:19,891 --> 00:01:21,357
[cash register bell dings]
26
00:01:21,359 --> 00:01:24,033
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
27
00:01:24,034 --> 00:01:27,431
Season 3, Episode 8
"And the 'It' Hole"
28
00:01:27,952 --> 00:01:30,952
Synced by Reef
www.addic7ed.com
29
00:01:33,290 --> 00:01:35,007
Earl, I need my checks
for tonight.
30
00:01:35,008 --> 00:01:36,124
- Beautiful?
- Check.
31
00:01:36,126 --> 00:01:37,242
- Sexy?
- Check.
32
00:01:37,244 --> 00:01:39,101
- Cool?
- Check.
33
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:41,329
Sorry I'm late.
34
00:01:41,331 --> 00:01:42,898
I was ten minutes early
for my shift,
35
00:01:42,900 --> 00:01:45,677
so I thought "well,
I have 20 minutes to kill,"
36
00:01:46,303 --> 00:01:48,537
and I wandered
into this cool surf shop
37
00:01:48,539 --> 00:01:50,372
and saw this guy
polishing a surfboard.
38
00:01:50,374 --> 00:01:52,257
A surfer here?
39
00:01:52,259 --> 00:01:55,110
You don't hang ten in Williamsburg,
you hang yourself.
40
00:01:56,480 --> 00:02:01,700
I'm with Max, the only waves we get in
Brooklyn are heat waves and crime waves.
41
00:02:01,702 --> 00:02:04,958
- Earl, you never go out to the beach?
- You crazy?
42
00:02:05,272 --> 00:02:10,542
I'm ain't gonna get eaten by some shark.
Ain't nobody got time for that.
43
00:02:10,544 --> 00:02:15,613
The chances of you being bit
by a shark are, like, .0001%.
44
00:02:15,615 --> 00:02:17,916
Not if you're black.
45
00:02:19,168 --> 00:02:21,110
Sharks are racist as hell.
46
00:02:21,111 --> 00:02:24,061
That's why they call them
"great whites."
47
00:02:24,891 --> 00:02:27,175
Marc, the surfer, and I
really hit it off,
48
00:02:27,177 --> 00:02:31,680
and he is so cute, like a young Matthew
McConaughey, but with real hair.
49
00:02:31,682 --> 00:02:34,466
So nothing like
Matthew McConaughey.
50
00:02:34,468 --> 00:02:36,902
I hope he texts me.
I love surfing.
51
00:02:36,904 --> 00:02:41,523
I never go in the water, 'cause I know if
I start drowning, I'm not gonna fight it.
52
00:02:41,525 --> 00:02:45,160
When I used to summer in St. Barths,
there'd be these sexy Italian surfers,
53
00:02:45,162 --> 00:02:47,195
and they'd invite us
to sunbathe on their boards.
54
00:02:47,197 --> 00:02:50,465
I mean, they robbed us,
but it was amazing.
55
00:02:50,467 --> 00:02:53,084
Caroline, if you're looking
for that kind of guy,
56
00:02:53,086 --> 00:02:55,320
I have a cousin
who loves the water.
57
00:02:55,322 --> 00:02:58,156
It's the only place
he can move his legs.
58
00:02:58,158 --> 00:03:01,460
- Oh, sweet. No thanks.
- Well, think about it.
59
00:03:01,462 --> 00:03:03,161
You'll be at the front row
of every concert,
60
00:03:03,163 --> 00:03:06,948
and he doesn't move around a lot
when he sleeps.
61
00:03:06,950 --> 00:03:10,469
Here, give old Ironside
my number.
62
00:03:11,771 --> 00:03:13,805
What? I love music,
and if he bugs me,
63
00:03:13,807 --> 00:03:16,841
the city has one of those
free vans that'll take him home.
64
00:03:16,843 --> 00:03:18,810
[Phone chimes]
65
00:03:18,812 --> 00:03:21,229
[Gasps] It's the surfer
asking me out to dinner!
66
00:03:21,231 --> 00:03:24,733
And he thinks he can get us into the hot,
new spot, Harlow and Daughters.
67
00:03:24,735 --> 00:03:26,684
Oh, that's that trendy
restaurant that replaced
68
00:03:26,686 --> 00:03:29,871
a perfectly good
hot dog on a stick.
69
00:03:29,873 --> 00:03:33,291
Good night,
broke-ass divas.
70
00:03:33,293 --> 00:03:36,328
Good night,
Brokeback waiter.
71
00:03:37,246 --> 00:03:38,883
I'm gonna go
get a massage,
72
00:03:38,884 --> 00:03:41,500
and then, who knows?
Maybe give one.
73
00:03:41,502 --> 00:03:44,836
Oh, who am I kidding?
I'm coming back here pregnant.
74
00:03:44,838 --> 00:03:49,424
- Luis, can you work for me tomorrow?
- Absolutely not, no.
75
00:03:49,426 --> 00:03:53,343
Oleg's working, and I'll ask him
to wear his fishnet tank top.
76
00:03:53,344 --> 00:03:55,511
Then yes.
77
00:03:55,566 --> 00:03:59,317
Dinner with a cute guy who has
connections to the "A"-list place?
78
00:03:59,319 --> 00:04:01,019
I'm living my old life.
79
00:04:01,021 --> 00:04:02,604
Hey, everybody.
80
00:04:02,606 --> 00:04:05,240
Did your old life
have one of these?
81
00:04:05,242 --> 00:04:09,077
Caroline, what is
my number-one diner rule?
82
00:04:09,079 --> 00:04:11,613
Don't tell anyone
the meat isn't real?
83
00:04:11,615 --> 00:04:15,900
Shh. Come on.
If you can see it, it's real.
84
00:04:15,902 --> 00:04:19,788
Don't tell anyone you buy the shrimp
out of your friend's trunk?
85
00:04:19,790 --> 00:04:23,508
He lays down a blanket!
No.
86
00:04:23,510 --> 00:04:25,210
No phones.
87
00:04:25,212 --> 00:04:26,294
[Phone chimes]
88
00:04:26,296 --> 00:04:27,846
Max, he got us
the reservation!
89
00:04:27,848 --> 00:04:29,881
I'm going to dinner
at the new "it" place.
90
00:04:29,883 --> 00:04:31,933
Ooh, the "it" place!
91
00:04:31,935 --> 00:04:34,752
"Let's have dinner
at the 'it' place."
92
00:04:34,754 --> 00:04:36,938
How come this isn't
the "it" place?
93
00:04:36,940 --> 00:04:41,893
This isn't an "it" place.
It's more of an "it" hole.
94
00:04:43,279 --> 00:04:46,364
Okay, so how do we
become an "it" place?
95
00:04:46,366 --> 00:04:49,868
First, burn the place down,
start fresh.
96
00:04:49,870 --> 00:04:52,988
Then you create hype by making it
impossible to get a reservation.
97
00:04:52,990 --> 00:04:54,772
You basically refuse
to let anyone in.
98
00:04:54,774 --> 00:04:57,709
Can I be the first?
99
00:05:03,583 --> 00:05:05,800
Okay, I've put my date purse
together.
100
00:05:05,802 --> 00:05:09,087
I've got my gum, my gloss, and a $20
bill to make it seem like I have money,
101
00:05:09,089 --> 00:05:12,007
which I will return to the register
at the diner tomorrow.
102
00:05:12,009 --> 00:05:13,808
Well, you're welcome
to use my date purse.
103
00:05:13,810 --> 00:05:17,395
It's a Ziploc with a cigar
and a change of boxers.
104
00:05:17,397 --> 00:05:19,397
And my phone
is fully charged,
105
00:05:19,399 --> 00:05:21,600
so I can call an uber car
to take me home.
106
00:05:21,602 --> 00:05:22,851
An uber car?
107
00:05:22,853 --> 00:05:24,519
You can't afford
a fancy town car.
108
00:05:24,521 --> 00:05:27,972
Yesterday, you used
an English muffin to exfoliate.
109
00:05:27,974 --> 00:05:30,942
Yeah, and then I ate it.
110
00:05:32,244 --> 00:05:34,195
Plus, it's on our
joint credit card,
111
00:05:34,197 --> 00:05:35,980
which means every time
you make a dumb purchase,
112
00:05:35,982 --> 00:05:37,866
you owe me a joint.
113
00:05:37,868 --> 00:05:41,202
I don't want to have him take me
home and give him the wrong idea.
114
00:05:41,204 --> 00:05:43,955
Oh, please do give him
the wrong idea.
115
00:05:43,957 --> 00:05:45,990
Stay out all night
with the surfer.
116
00:05:45,992 --> 00:05:48,326
Ride his half-pipe.
117
00:05:48,328 --> 00:05:51,379
That's not surfboard,
that's snowboard.
118
00:05:51,381 --> 00:05:54,999
Perfect, 'cause I'm snow-bored
with this conversation.
119
00:05:55,001 --> 00:05:58,219
What do you think?
These things on full display?
120
00:05:58,221 --> 00:06:02,774
I hate to be that roommate, but I didn't
say you could borrow my breasts.
121
00:06:02,776 --> 00:06:06,478
What? It's just a push-up bra, chicken
cutlets, a little tissue, and some tape.
122
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,146
You know, natural.
123
00:06:08,148 --> 00:06:09,981
Just go on your date
already!
124
00:06:09,983 --> 00:06:12,067
Nancy and I have been really
looking forward to you leaving
125
00:06:12,069 --> 00:06:15,070
so we can walk around naked
and do some lines of cat nip.
126
00:06:15,072 --> 00:06:16,121
[Knocking at the door]
127
00:06:16,123 --> 00:06:18,990
Ooh, that must be him.
Don't worry, he's not coming inside.
128
00:06:18,992 --> 00:06:21,543
He better not,
cause we can't afford a baby.
129
00:06:22,995 --> 00:06:25,747
- Oh, it's just Sophie.
- "Just Sophie"?
130
00:06:25,749 --> 00:06:29,751
That was the name
of my talk show in Poland.
131
00:06:29,753 --> 00:06:32,870
Oh, how I wish I could have been
a guest on that show.
132
00:06:32,872 --> 00:06:37,726
No, there were no guests.
It was just Sophie!
133
00:06:37,728 --> 00:06:40,812
Oh, you getting ready
for your big date, Caroline?
134
00:06:40,814 --> 00:06:42,597
How did you
hear about my date?
135
00:06:42,599 --> 00:06:45,684
Oh, well,
your voice travels.
136
00:06:45,686 --> 00:06:48,052
Yeah, I hear everything
that does and doesn't happen
137
00:06:48,054 --> 00:06:52,323
down here
and down there, so...
138
00:06:52,325 --> 00:06:54,442
So let's just say I'm very glad
that you're going on a date.
139
00:06:54,444 --> 00:06:57,328
Oh, and I got you
a little present.
140
00:06:57,330 --> 00:07:00,565
Cinnamon mints,
for your first kiss.
141
00:07:00,567 --> 00:07:02,083
Oh, that's so sweet, Sophie.
142
00:07:02,085 --> 00:07:05,920
Yeah, and I got you
a big grab bag of condoms.
143
00:07:05,922 --> 00:07:07,422
I got all sizes.
144
00:07:07,424 --> 00:07:10,125
I got magnums,
I got super magnums,
145
00:07:10,127 --> 00:07:12,677
I got regular, and...
146
00:07:12,679 --> 00:07:15,580
"He's got
a great personality."
147
00:07:15,582 --> 00:07:16,715
Here you go.
148
00:07:16,717 --> 00:07:21,352
Usually, a "great personality" is
the only birth control I need.
149
00:07:21,354 --> 00:07:23,054
Thank you,
but I am a lady,
150
00:07:23,056 --> 00:07:25,322
and I won't be needing these
until our third date.
151
00:07:25,323 --> 00:07:28,893
Well, you better hurry up
and get dressed.
152
00:07:28,895 --> 00:07:30,779
Sophie,
I'm already dressed.
153
00:07:30,781 --> 00:07:33,815
You are?
154
00:07:33,817 --> 00:07:36,934
And I like
what I'm wearing.
155
00:07:36,936 --> 00:07:39,454
You do?
156
00:07:39,456 --> 00:07:44,108
Well, just put on
a little makeup.
157
00:07:44,110 --> 00:07:46,277
I'm fully made up.
158
00:07:46,279 --> 00:07:48,163
You are?
159
00:07:48,165 --> 00:07:51,883
Oh, well, you know,
maybe when you do your hair.
160
00:07:51,885 --> 00:07:53,334
Okay, I'm a little behind
on my hair.
161
00:07:53,336 --> 00:07:55,620
My boobs were a bigger project
than I thought.
162
00:07:55,622 --> 00:07:58,089
And I like what I'm wearing,
and I don't have time to change
163
00:07:58,091 --> 00:07:59,624
'cause he's already
20 minutes late.
164
00:07:59,626 --> 00:08:01,926
20 minutes late?
165
00:08:01,928 --> 00:08:04,562
Wahh-wahh.
166
00:08:04,564 --> 00:08:06,481
That's a no-show.
167
00:08:06,483 --> 00:08:10,268
You've just got stood up.
You got stood up somethin' awful.
168
00:08:10,270 --> 00:08:13,571
I did not get stood up.
I've never been stood up.
169
00:08:13,573 --> 00:08:15,440
In fact, I wouldn't even know
if I was being stood up,
170
00:08:15,442 --> 00:08:17,158
because that's how little
I know about being stood up.
171
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,410
Am I being stood up?
172
00:08:19,412 --> 00:08:22,664
No, you are not.
Guys are always late.
173
00:08:22,666 --> 00:08:25,667
I once waited
three days for a guy.
174
00:08:25,669 --> 00:08:27,335
But he showed up
with the ransom money,
175
00:08:27,337 --> 00:08:30,488
and you don't see me
living in a fridge anymore.
176
00:08:30,490 --> 00:08:32,924
Okay, fine.
177
00:08:32,926 --> 00:08:34,959
Nobody got stood up.
178
00:08:34,961 --> 00:08:39,931
So I'll just sit here
and text while we wait...
179
00:08:39,933 --> 00:08:42,801
You know, forever.
180
00:08:43,936 --> 00:08:46,855
And then, finally,
when it dawns on you,
181
00:08:46,857 --> 00:08:51,059
we can call our friend Oleg,
and he can go put a hit on him.
182
00:08:51,061 --> 00:08:52,610
You know what, maybe he thought
we were meeting there.
183
00:08:52,612 --> 00:08:53,945
I'm calling the restaurant
to see...
184
00:08:53,947 --> 00:08:57,181
Yes, hi, has a Marc Faison
checked in yet?
185
00:08:57,183 --> 00:08:59,033
He has not.
186
00:08:59,035 --> 00:09:01,569
What about now?
187
00:09:01,571 --> 00:09:03,354
It's just that he
was supposed...
188
00:09:03,356 --> 00:09:05,990
Well, I'm busy too.
189
00:09:05,992 --> 00:09:10,161
Don't be so snooty, you used
to be a hot dog on a stick.
190
00:09:12,965 --> 00:09:16,584
Just a heads up, if he doesn't show,
I'm still getting naked.
191
00:09:16,586 --> 00:09:19,170
[Phone chimes]
Ooh, there he is!
192
00:09:19,172 --> 00:09:21,172
No, it's from Amazon.
193
00:09:21,174 --> 00:09:24,976
Someone's sending me a copy
of He's Just Not That Into You.
194
00:09:32,818 --> 00:09:36,521
Yeah,
I'm here for you, girl.
195
00:09:38,013 --> 00:09:39,847
Well, I got stood up.
196
00:09:39,849 --> 00:09:41,282
Remember where you are, Max.
197
00:09:41,284 --> 00:09:43,818
This was the day
Caroline Channing got stood up.
198
00:09:43,820 --> 00:09:45,987
Well, screw him
for standing you up.
199
00:09:45,989 --> 00:09:50,157
And from now on, never trust a guy
who surfs anything besides porn.
200
00:10:01,630 --> 00:10:03,815
Oh, look,
Harlow and Daughters
201
00:10:03,817 --> 00:10:07,285
has a real old-timey,
general store kind of vibe.
202
00:10:07,287 --> 00:10:11,255
I guess they take "Throwback Thursday"
really seriously here.
203
00:10:11,257 --> 00:10:13,658
I mean, it's 1840.
204
00:10:13,660 --> 00:10:17,412
Yeah, I wanted to take you back
to a time before you were stood up.
205
00:10:17,414 --> 00:10:20,114
Thank you for making me
take the reservation, Max.
206
00:10:20,116 --> 00:10:22,450
I mean, otherwise, I was just gonna
get in bed and be depressed.
207
00:10:22,452 --> 00:10:25,286
You were in bed
and you were depressed.
208
00:10:25,288 --> 00:10:27,839
Don't rewrite history
just 'cause these folks have.
209
00:10:27,841 --> 00:10:29,624
I mean, we are
smack in the belly
210
00:10:29,626 --> 00:10:33,594
of Williamsburg ironic chic,
and I want to smack it.
211
00:10:33,596 --> 00:10:37,298
Look, they even have a country
clothesline hung with baby clothes.
212
00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:40,051
We should get this for Han.
213
00:10:40,053 --> 00:10:43,504
I mean, that is the most
pretentious thing I've ever seen.
214
00:10:43,506 --> 00:10:47,775
Hi, welcome to Harlow and Daughters.
I'm the host, Brian-Brian.
215
00:10:47,777 --> 00:10:50,445
No, that is.
216
00:10:50,447 --> 00:10:53,815
Yes, hi, um, Brian-Brian.
217
00:10:53,817 --> 00:10:56,117
We have a reservation.
Faison, party of two.
218
00:10:56,119 --> 00:10:57,702
Is your whole party here?
219
00:10:57,704 --> 00:11:01,239
Well, I don't know how whole I could
ever hope to be, as I'm illegitimate.
220
00:11:01,241 --> 00:11:03,074
Yes, we're both here.
Thank you.
221
00:11:03,076 --> 00:11:05,693
So both you and Mr. Faison
are here?
222
00:11:05,695 --> 00:11:09,274
Yes, I'm transitioning.
Ask around.
223
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:13,200
You can have a drink, and I'll call you
when your table is ready.
224
00:11:13,202 --> 00:11:16,036
Thank you, thank you,
Brian-Brian.
225
00:11:16,038 --> 00:11:17,388
I'll be right over.
226
00:11:17,390 --> 00:11:21,175
Go use your new boobs
to get us a seat at the bar.
227
00:11:21,177 --> 00:11:23,761
Hi, I know what
"wait by the bar" means.
228
00:11:23,763 --> 00:11:27,014
I've been working in restaurants
since your clothes were in style.
229
00:11:27,016 --> 00:11:31,552
- It means I'll seat you when your...
- Brian-Brian, Bri-Bri, B.B., come on.
230
00:11:31,554 --> 00:11:34,238
You and I both know
there's no guy coming.
231
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:36,824
My friend got stood up, so
please don't make things worse.
232
00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:40,945
Just take out your cool, little
hunting knife and cut us some slack.
233
00:11:40,947 --> 00:11:43,230
This is where I'd tip you
with cash or offer you sex,
234
00:11:43,232 --> 00:11:46,042
but I'm kinda broke and you're
kinda gay, so just be nice.
235
00:11:47,837 --> 00:11:51,238
We don't really need to bring
my sexuality into it.
236
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:54,926
I understand, it's hard
to be out 100 years ago.
237
00:11:54,928 --> 00:11:57,378
Oh, funny.
238
00:11:57,380 --> 00:11:59,747
Right this way,
Mr. Faison.
239
00:11:59,749 --> 00:12:02,767
Wow, that was quick.
They're so nice here.
240
00:12:02,769 --> 00:12:07,087
Yep, just regular folks, sitting
around designer pickle barrels.
241
00:12:07,089 --> 00:12:09,273
All right, here's your table.
Have a seat.
242
00:12:09,275 --> 00:12:13,418
Sure, where? On these Amish birthing
stools we're all calling chairs?
243
00:12:14,147 --> 00:12:17,448
Stick to the gay jokes.
244
00:12:17,450 --> 00:12:20,484
Our Wi-Fi password
is on the ox hide.
245
00:12:20,486 --> 00:12:22,320
Your waitress will be
right over.
246
00:12:22,322 --> 00:12:25,706
Max, a waitress will be right over,
and it won't be us.
247
00:12:25,708 --> 00:12:28,242
Look,
dirty sawdust floors.
248
00:12:28,244 --> 00:12:31,746
If we got a bag of wood chips, our
apartment could be the new "it" place.
249
00:12:31,748 --> 00:12:34,782
Hello, my name is York.
250
00:12:34,784 --> 00:12:39,620
Hard to believe, but a man named
Brian-Brian has been dethroned.
251
00:12:39,622 --> 00:12:42,590
York? That's fun.
"York" as in "New"?
252
00:12:42,592 --> 00:12:45,810
York as in York.
Just York.
253
00:12:45,812 --> 00:12:48,729
So what's this bit?
254
00:12:48,731 --> 00:12:52,183
Okay. Well, um, York, we'd like
to start with some drinks.
255
00:12:52,185 --> 00:12:55,820
Having a girls' night out.
All the single ladies put ya hands up!
256
00:12:57,489 --> 00:13:00,107
Yeah, you can't force it.
257
00:13:00,109 --> 00:13:03,889
Our special libation this evening
is "The Small Pox."
258
00:13:03,890 --> 00:13:07,114
It's absinthe, cloves,
orange bitters
259
00:13:07,116 --> 00:13:09,834
hand-muddled
in a mason jar.
260
00:13:09,836 --> 00:13:14,038
Was that drink
directed by Wes Anderson?
261
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:18,125
Can we just get two of your "ye olde"
cheapest beers as soon as possible?
262
00:13:18,127 --> 00:13:20,795
Because Dr. Quinn,
I need some medicine, woman.
263
00:13:20,797 --> 00:13:23,347
York, does the special soup
have any garlic?
264
00:13:23,349 --> 00:13:27,468
- Oh, my God, no way!
- What? Is someone making soap?
265
00:13:27,470 --> 00:13:29,604
No.
No garlic?
266
00:13:29,606 --> 00:13:31,472
You still think
the surfer's coming.
267
00:13:31,474 --> 00:13:33,858
Well, he might.
268
00:13:33,860 --> 00:13:35,810
See, I was supposed to have
a date with this guy...
269
00:13:35,812 --> 00:13:38,896
You don't care.
So, the soup?
270
00:13:38,898 --> 00:13:42,033
Actually, I'm just
taking drink orders right now.
271
00:13:42,035 --> 00:13:45,119
Wow, who loved you?
272
00:13:45,121 --> 00:13:47,354
Eh, I'm guessing
she never went
273
00:13:47,356 --> 00:13:51,158
to a father/daughter dance
with her mom's weed dealer.
274
00:13:52,527 --> 00:13:54,662
You don't know, Max.
Maybe he lost his phone
275
00:13:54,664 --> 00:13:57,548
and he didn't have my number,
so he's on his way running here.
276
00:13:57,550 --> 00:14:00,418
You think he's just
gonna rush in soaking wet
277
00:14:00,420 --> 00:14:03,054
and be like, "Oh, I'm so sorry.
The traffic was terrible.
278
00:14:03,056 --> 00:14:06,206
The waves were
bumper-to-bumper."
279
00:14:06,208 --> 00:14:08,426
This is not
a Katherine Heigl movie.
280
00:14:08,428 --> 00:14:10,978
Sorry, "movie."
281
00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:12,480
Fine, he's not coming.
282
00:14:12,482 --> 00:14:14,181
And I'm not getting into
the Katie Heigl thing.
283
00:14:14,183 --> 00:14:17,718
Not here, not now.
Let's just enjoy our acorns.
284
00:14:19,905 --> 00:14:21,522
[Phone ringing]
285
00:14:21,524 --> 00:14:23,925
Ooh, "blocked number."
Maybe it's him. Hello?
286
00:14:23,926 --> 00:14:26,527
Hang up.
He's not coming.
287
00:14:40,577 --> 00:14:42,350
Our drinks are right there.
288
00:14:42,351 --> 00:14:45,030
I can see them over yonder,
on ye olde bar.
289
00:14:45,032 --> 00:14:49,201
It's been an hour, where is
our waitress, Lizzie Borden?
290
00:14:50,220 --> 00:14:54,256
Probably in the back deciding
which words to pronounce weirdly.
291
00:14:54,258 --> 00:14:58,143
I'm starving.
Bust out those chicken cutlets.
292
00:14:58,145 --> 00:15:00,729
No wonder they don't have
any bad yelp reviews.
293
00:15:00,731 --> 00:15:03,265
No one's ever
tasted their food.
294
00:15:03,267 --> 00:15:05,351
Hi.
Um, our drinks?
295
00:15:05,353 --> 00:15:07,186
And did you ask the chef
about the soup?
296
00:15:07,188 --> 00:15:10,255
You know,
I haven't had a minute.
297
00:15:13,226 --> 00:15:14,993
She hasn't had a minute?
298
00:15:14,995 --> 00:15:17,613
What's she been doing,
dancing with wolves?
299
00:15:19,449 --> 00:15:22,067
I mean, have you ever?
300
00:15:22,069 --> 00:15:24,286
I know, can you even?
[Scoffs]
301
00:15:24,288 --> 00:15:25,871
Byron and I have been here
forever,
302
00:15:25,873 --> 00:15:28,573
and have yet to see our
dandelion chickpea foie-gras.
303
00:15:28,575 --> 00:15:30,242
He's hypoglycemic
and I'm Lila.
304
00:15:30,244 --> 00:15:32,211
And I'm pissed.
I'm getting our drinks.
305
00:15:32,213 --> 00:15:34,963
- Would you get us some wine?
- Oh, sure, what kind?
306
00:15:34,965 --> 00:15:37,416
A chardonnay for me, and Byron
will have a sauvignon blanc.
307
00:15:37,418 --> 00:15:40,969
- Max, no, they'll kick us out and...
- And what? What, Caroline?
308
00:15:40,971 --> 00:15:42,771
You won't be here
when "he arrives?"
309
00:15:42,773 --> 00:15:45,107
Dear Lord,
the man is not coming!
310
00:15:45,109 --> 00:15:49,728
I know that, Max, and he's
not coming because he died.
311
00:15:49,730 --> 00:15:52,448
He died, that's the only reason
I can accept.
312
00:15:54,267 --> 00:15:57,202
What's up?
How we all doin' tonight?
313
00:15:57,204 --> 00:15:59,872
Not so good. My girlfriend
just broke up with me.
314
00:15:59,874 --> 00:16:01,407
Oh, yeah?
You like blondes?
315
00:16:01,409 --> 00:16:04,276
'Cause I got one
who's ready to pop.
316
00:16:04,278 --> 00:16:06,578
No, man,
I'm into Asian chicks.
317
00:16:06,580 --> 00:16:10,949
Yeah, who isn't?
Except for Asian guys.
318
00:16:10,951 --> 00:16:12,784
Hey, do me a favor,
just wait a minute,
319
00:16:12,786 --> 00:16:15,287
and then come over to my table
and flirt with my friend.
320
00:16:15,289 --> 00:16:17,639
Why would I do that?
321
00:16:17,641 --> 00:16:19,508
On the house.
322
00:16:21,261 --> 00:16:22,961
Is that the "dandelion chickpea
and other things
323
00:16:22,963 --> 00:16:25,797
that don't belong
in a dish together" thing?
324
00:16:29,068 --> 00:16:32,137
All right,
your dandelion chickpea,
325
00:16:32,139 --> 00:16:36,825
a chardonnay,
and a sauvignon blanc. Enjoy.
326
00:16:36,827 --> 00:16:38,527
What do you think
you're doing?
327
00:16:38,529 --> 00:16:41,747
Waiting on tables.
Look into it.
328
00:16:42,909 --> 00:16:46,195
York, York, don't be mad.
Byron was starving and we're thirsty.
329
00:16:46,197 --> 00:16:49,031
Don't kick us out, we're
too weak to go anywhere else.
330
00:16:49,033 --> 00:16:50,916
The soup has garlic.
331
00:16:50,918 --> 00:16:52,835
Oh, then no.
The salmon, please.
332
00:16:52,837 --> 00:16:56,205
Bring her the damn soup, she
ain't kissing nobody tonight.
333
00:16:56,207 --> 00:17:00,343
And I'll have the free-range chicken
that thought it had a chance.
334
00:17:00,345 --> 00:17:03,179
For your help.
Byron wants you to have it.
335
00:17:03,181 --> 00:17:07,149
Well, Byron is the only real
old-fashioned thing in here.
336
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:09,885
I hope you both
survive the winter.
337
00:17:11,888 --> 00:17:13,272
Hey, can I join you?
338
00:17:13,274 --> 00:17:15,891
Ooh, I think that
"can I join you?" Was to you.
339
00:17:15,893 --> 00:17:18,577
Oh, sure, have a seat.
340
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:21,831
You're pretty.
You have a good body.
341
00:17:23,750 --> 00:17:25,334
Wow, thank you.
342
00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:26,535
That's actually
kind of nice to hear,
343
00:17:26,537 --> 00:17:28,070
because this
is hard to believe,
344
00:17:28,072 --> 00:17:29,205
but I got stood up tonight,
345
00:17:29,207 --> 00:17:30,790
and it kind of
makes me feel good
346
00:17:30,792 --> 00:17:32,341
when you say I'm pretty
and I have a good body.
347
00:17:32,343 --> 00:17:34,126
[Phone chimes]
What are you doing?
348
00:17:34,128 --> 00:17:36,429
Oh, I'm on tinder.
It's the straight grindr.
349
00:17:36,431 --> 00:17:38,414
I just got a hit.
Well, I'm out.
350
00:17:38,416 --> 00:17:41,165
Thanks for the drink.
351
00:17:45,105 --> 00:17:47,690
You paid a guy
to say I'm pretty?
352
00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:51,026
And then he blew me off?
353
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:53,595
Oh, my God. I just realized
something upsetting.
354
00:17:53,597 --> 00:17:57,578
What, that we could be enjoying
delicious hot dogs on sticks right now?
355
00:17:59,256 --> 00:18:02,958
- No, I'm a "B."
- No, you're an "A."
356
00:18:02,959 --> 00:18:05,074
That bra just makes
you look like a "B."
357
00:18:05,076 --> 00:18:08,794
No, I mean me, as a woman.
I'm a "B."
358
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:12,415
You know, all this time,
I kinda thought I was an "A,"
359
00:18:12,417 --> 00:18:14,783
but maybe I'm just a "B."
360
00:18:14,785 --> 00:18:17,470
That's why he walked away
and why the surfer stood me up.
361
00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:19,889
Caroline, I really want
to be here for you right now,
362
00:18:19,891 --> 00:18:23,759
but I gotta get a gin fizz
to the prospector in the corner.
363
00:18:23,761 --> 00:18:26,979
Max, am I a "B"?
Why didn't he come?
364
00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:29,315
All I know about that surfer
is that he is a "D"
365
00:18:29,317 --> 00:18:32,735
followed by three
other letters.
366
00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:37,306
I'd spell it out for you, but I'm
literally afraid I'd get it wrong.
367
00:18:37,308 --> 00:18:39,808
Interesting that you
didn't say I wasn't a "B."
368
00:18:39,810 --> 00:18:42,027
Look, I don't give myself
letters in life.
369
00:18:42,029 --> 00:18:44,780
To me, it is clearly
a pass/fail situation.
370
00:18:44,782 --> 00:18:46,365
And you're sitting up,
371
00:18:46,367 --> 00:18:49,201
not drooling on yourself,
so pass.
372
00:18:56,326 --> 00:19:00,346
Well, well, well, where have
you ladies been all night?
373
00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:04,333
I don't know, I'd say somewhere
between 1846 and 1860.
374
00:19:04,335 --> 00:19:08,170
And it is so great
to be back in 1974.
375
00:19:08,172 --> 00:19:12,508
Well, Han, you did a good job
of making this place exclusive.
376
00:19:12,510 --> 00:19:14,693
There is literally
nobody here.
377
00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:18,230
It wasn't my doing, there was
a possum in the men's room.
378
00:19:18,232 --> 00:19:21,350
Correction, there is
a possum in the men's room.
379
00:19:21,352 --> 00:19:24,537
Oh, the ingredients
are escaping the kitchen again?
380
00:19:24,539 --> 00:19:27,540
Well, I gotta go to the men's room
and pull out the possum.
381
00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:30,359
Oh, is that what you do
when we're not here?
382
00:19:30,361 --> 00:19:32,194
All right,
let's sit down
383
00:19:32,196 --> 00:19:34,880
in that authentically run-down
old booth and eat something.
384
00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:37,216
Yeah, see, those stains
aren't fake, that's real blood.
385
00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:39,752
I was right here
when that guy got stabbed.
386
00:19:39,754 --> 00:19:44,006
Like I said at the time, "call me 'honey'
one more time, and I will stab you."
387
00:19:44,008 --> 00:19:45,674
You know what I just
realized?
388
00:19:45,676 --> 00:19:48,427
Even if I am a "B,"
at least I'm an authentic "B."
389
00:19:48,429 --> 00:19:50,479
I don't pretend
to be something I'm not.
390
00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:52,714
You do kind of pretend
to be something you're not.
391
00:19:52,716 --> 00:19:54,817
A "B."
392
00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:57,186
Finally,
I have some customers.
393
00:19:57,188 --> 00:20:01,557
You know, I've been sitting in the back
watching Oleg shuck his corn all night?
394
00:20:01,559 --> 00:20:03,559
Thank you.
395
00:20:03,561 --> 00:20:06,728
Now, Luis knows
how to give service.
396
00:20:06,730 --> 00:20:11,033
Come on, chica, don't set me up
like that, it's too easy.
397
00:20:11,035 --> 00:20:13,702
Max, I think I'm gonna
let go of letter-grading myself
398
00:20:13,704 --> 00:20:15,454
and adopt
your pass/fail system.
399
00:20:15,456 --> 00:20:18,791
And sitting with you right here
is so not a fail.
400
00:20:20,743 --> 00:20:22,578
Oh, it's just
Oleg and Sophie.
401
00:20:22,580 --> 00:20:24,784
Oh, my God!
You looked 'cause you thought
402
00:20:24,785 --> 00:20:27,800
it was gonna be the surfer!
Epic fail!
403
00:20:27,802 --> 00:20:30,970
Hey, what are you two
doing together?
404
00:20:31,095 --> 00:20:34,262
Oh, Sophie and I had
some business to take care of.
405
00:20:34,264 --> 00:20:35,764
Right, Sophie?
406
00:20:35,766 --> 00:20:39,351
Oh, yeah.
Caroline, we got your back.
407
00:20:39,353 --> 00:20:43,739
That Mike won't be out there
surfing again for quite a while.
408
00:20:43,741 --> 00:20:47,125
The surfer's name isn't Mike.
It's Marc.
409
00:20:47,483 --> 00:20:49,051
Oh...
410
00:20:49,161 --> 00:20:53,696
No wonder he kept screaming,
"My name is not Marc!"
411
00:20:56,366 --> 00:20:58,233
Well, I'll tell you
one thing,
412
00:20:58,234 --> 00:21:00,788
we may have seen
a lot of fake things tonight,
413
00:21:00,789 --> 00:21:03,210
but that's a
for-real possum.
414
00:21:05,487 --> 00:21:09,452
Wow, Han's possum is bigger
than I thought it would be.
415
00:21:11,749 --> 00:21:14,068
[Cash register dings]
416
00:21:14,207 --> 00:21:17,207
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