1
00:00:00,642 --> 00:00:01,562
One steak sandwich

2
00:00:01,563 --> 00:00:03,611
and a cheeseburger with Muenster cheese.

3
00:00:03,912 --> 00:00:04,921
We're out of Muenster.

4
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:06,857
Oh, since when?

5
00:00:06,858 --> 00:00:08,250
Well, let's see, the
diner opened in '82.

6
00:00:08,251 --> 00:00:10,032
So '82.

7
00:00:11,933 --> 00:00:14,857
Hi, sorry but we're out of Muenster.

8
00:00:14,858 --> 00:00:15,906
Seriously, dude?

9
00:00:15,907 --> 00:00:16,908
I wanted Muenster.

10
00:00:16,909 --> 00:00:19,861
Sorry, we have Cheddar,
Swiss or American.

11
00:00:19,862 --> 00:00:21,924
I hate Cheddar and Swiss blows.

12
00:00:21,925 --> 00:00:23,895
Well...Then American?

13
00:00:23,896 --> 00:00:24,898
American cheese?

14
00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:25,942
What am I, at grade school?

15
00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,049
Yeah, go to the principal's office.

16
00:00:28,050 --> 00:00:29,938
I can't have another idiot
up my ass right now.

17
00:00:29,939 --> 00:00:31,874
It's at capacity.

18
00:00:33,875 --> 00:00:35,882
Max, I got this.

19
00:00:35,883 --> 00:00:38,861
Would you like to see the menu again?

20
00:00:38,862 --> 00:00:40,852
This is crap, okay, I wanted Muenster.

21
00:00:40,853 --> 00:00:42,912
Well, I wanted to be running
a Fortune 500 company

22
00:00:42,913 --> 00:00:45,866
instead of waiting on a toxic
man-child like yourself.

23
00:00:45,867 --> 00:00:47,932
But, we can't always get what we want.

24
00:00:47,933 --> 00:00:50,861
So, order something else,
put it in your pie hole

25
00:00:50,862 --> 00:00:52,349
and get on with your damn life.

26
00:00:53,925 --> 00:00:54,925
Welcome to waitress.

27
00:00:54,926 --> 00:00:57,322
We've been expecting you.

28
00:00:58,712 --> 00:01:00,771
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

29
00:01:02,504 --> 00:01:05,504
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

30
00:01:11,779 --> 00:01:13,188
Here you go, table ten, Earl.

31
00:01:13,389 --> 00:01:15,628
Have any exciting plans for tomorrow?

32
00:01:15,679 --> 00:01:18,129
Just trying to not die in my sleep, Max.

33
00:01:18,130 --> 00:01:19,267
How about you?

34
00:01:22,662 --> 00:01:23,723
I'm going to visit Caroline's horse.

35
00:01:23,724 --> 00:01:25,686
He was adopted by a rich white lady

36
00:01:25,687 --> 00:01:27,696
who could give him everything
we couldn't afford to.

37
00:01:27,697 --> 00:01:29,720
Which is everything.

38
00:01:29,721 --> 00:01:33,582
White people will adopt anything.

39
00:01:34,692 --> 00:01:36,745
I figured out the best
way to go see Chestnut.

40
00:01:37,046 --> 00:01:38,044
We take the J train to the 4,

41
00:01:38,045 --> 00:01:39,046
the 4 to Grand Central,

42
00:01:39,047 --> 00:01:40,682
change trains to Riverdale

43
00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:42,671
and walk three blocks to
his fancy new stable.

44
00:01:42,672 --> 00:01:45,661
Sounds exotic. Do I need a travel shot?

45
00:01:45,662 --> 00:01:47,683
No, but there's a dicey
underpass at Grand Central

46
00:01:47,684 --> 00:01:49,682
where we might get shot.

47
00:01:49,683 --> 00:01:52,649
I am so excited to see my baby again.

48
00:01:52,650 --> 00:01:53,674
Me too.

49
00:01:53,675 --> 00:01:54,694
In the Lifetime movie version,

50
00:01:54,695 --> 00:01:55,704
we get there and Chestnut likes

51
00:01:55,705 --> 00:01:58,695
his new home better and then we cry.

52
00:01:58,696 --> 00:02:00,657
Excuse me, Hi.

53
00:02:00,658 --> 00:02:01,683
Sorry to bother you.

54
00:02:01,684 --> 00:02:03,745
I'm Rhya, I'm a little embarrassed.

55
00:02:03,746 --> 00:02:05,657
I just got my period.

56
00:02:05,658 --> 00:02:08,724
Mazel tov.

57
00:02:08,725 --> 00:02:10,666
Do either of you have a tampon?

58
00:02:10,667 --> 00:02:11,703
Not me.

59
00:02:11,704 --> 00:02:12,742
I just go off into the
woods and don't come out

60
00:02:12,743 --> 00:02:14,741
until it's over.

61
00:02:14,742 --> 00:02:17,653
I have one.

62
00:02:17,654 --> 00:02:18,675
I'm so sorry to bother you guys.

63
00:02:18,676 --> 00:02:22,649
No problem, "Sisterhood of
the Traveling Panty Shields"

64
00:02:22,650 --> 00:02:23,731
Actually, no, I don't have one.

65
00:02:23,732 --> 00:02:25,677
Here's a quarter, there's
a tampon machine

66
00:02:25,678 --> 00:02:26,738
in the ladies' room. Thanks.

67
00:02:28,650 --> 00:02:29,675
Pick up, table six.

68
00:02:29,676 --> 00:02:31,649
I couldn't help overhear.

69
00:02:31,650 --> 00:02:33,650
I have tampon.

70
00:02:38,650 --> 00:02:40,657
Oleg, why do you have a tampon?

71
00:02:40,658 --> 00:02:43,649
Same reason I carry a lighter,
even though I don't smoke.

72
00:02:43,650 --> 00:02:46,070
Feels good to be the hero.

73
00:02:46,821 --> 00:02:48,878
Sorry, again, but do you
have any more change?

74
00:02:48,879 --> 00:02:50,803
It's 75 cents.

75
00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:51,802
It's a quarter.

76
00:02:51,803 --> 00:02:52,888
75. Says so on the machine.

77
00:02:52,889 --> 00:02:56,888
It better not or I'm about
to rage against the machine.

78
00:03:01,496 --> 00:03:03,111
What?

79
00:03:04,812 --> 00:03:07,807
Han, I need to see you in here now.

80
00:03:07,808 --> 00:03:08,875
But that is the ladies' room.

81
00:03:08,876 --> 00:03:09,873
You're fine.

82
00:03:09,874 --> 00:03:10,875
Women bring their little boys

83
00:03:10,876 --> 00:03:14,853
in here all the time.

84
00:03:14,854 --> 00:03:17,803
Everybody decent?

85
00:03:17,804 --> 00:03:18,848
Man in the ladies' room.

86
00:03:18,849 --> 00:03:20,844
I apologize for personal intrusion.

87
00:03:20,845 --> 00:03:21,883
You don't have to cover your eyes.

88
00:03:21,884 --> 00:03:23,895
It's a ladies' room,
not a solar eclipse.

89
00:03:23,896 --> 00:03:25,857
Max, why do you want to see me

90
00:03:25,858 --> 00:03:27,819
in this inappropriate meeting place?

91
00:03:27,820 --> 00:03:28,896
This is why. The tampon machine.

92
00:03:28,897 --> 00:03:31,824
Oh, this is not man topic.

93
00:03:31,825 --> 00:03:33,824
I do not wish to discuss
time of the month

94
00:03:33,825 --> 00:03:36,828
when ladies must chase the cotton mouse.

95
00:03:36,829 --> 00:03:38,820
Chase the cotton mouse?

96
00:03:38,821 --> 00:03:40,806
Geeze, where'd you get
your sex education?

97
00:03:40,807 --> 00:03:41,877
Lambchop's playalong?

98
00:03:41,878 --> 00:03:43,858
Han, you changed the price of tampons?

99
00:03:43,859 --> 00:03:45,858
Yes, this is not appropriate talk.

100
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:47,870
No, this is not appropriate action.

101
00:03:47,871 --> 00:03:48,888
They've been a quarter forever.

102
00:03:48,889 --> 00:03:50,820
Look how old this machine is.

103
00:03:50,821 --> 00:03:52,878
Harriet Tubman used to
get her tampons here.

104
00:03:52,879 --> 00:03:54,832
I'm a businessman.

105
00:03:54,833 --> 00:03:55,871
Emphasis on the man.

106
00:03:55,872 --> 00:03:57,820
I do not belong in here.

107
00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:58,849
Hey, hey!

108
00:03:58,850 --> 00:04:02,811
Don't make me chase you,
you little khaki mouse.

109
00:04:02,812 --> 00:04:04,844
Look, han, everyone knows
there are certain things

110
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:05,865
that people need in an emergency

111
00:04:05,866 --> 00:04:07,823
that you never raise the price on.

112
00:04:07,824 --> 00:04:08,836
Things like what?

113
00:04:08,837 --> 00:04:09,850
Off the top of my head,

114
00:04:09,851 --> 00:04:12,895
tampons and 40-ounce beers.

115
00:04:12,896 --> 00:04:14,878
Max, why are you so upset?

116
00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:16,824
It is only two more quarters.

117
00:04:16,825 --> 00:04:18,887
Han, that's a 200% price hike.

118
00:04:18,888 --> 00:04:20,807
That's outrageous.

119
00:04:20,808 --> 00:04:21,831
You're taking advantage of women.

120
00:04:21,832 --> 00:04:23,815
If men were the ones who got periods,

121
00:04:23,816 --> 00:04:24,862
tampons would be thrown free

122
00:04:24,863 --> 00:04:27,816
from floats like Mardi Gras beads.

123
00:04:27,817 --> 00:04:29,828
I went to Mardi Gras once... I was 11.

124
00:04:29,829 --> 00:04:30,892
My mom and her new
boyfriend wanted to go,

125
00:04:30,893 --> 00:04:34,811
and they needed a designated driver.

126
00:04:34,812 --> 00:04:36,811
Earl, I need a man's opinion.

127
00:04:36,812 --> 00:04:38,807
Is it my right to raise the price

128
00:04:38,808 --> 00:04:39,865
of any product in my diner?

129
00:04:39,866 --> 00:04:40,896
What product are we talking about?

130
00:04:40,897 --> 00:04:42,803
Tampons.

131
00:04:42,804 --> 00:04:44,857
Oh, brother.

132
00:04:44,858 --> 00:04:47,882
Uh, you gotta just relax and butt out.

133
00:04:47,883 --> 00:04:48,891
Trust me.

134
00:04:48,892 --> 00:04:51,803
I been in this situation a long time.

135
00:04:51,804 --> 00:04:52,825
Remember Aunt Flo?

136
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,841
That was my aunt.

137
00:04:55,842 --> 00:04:57,802
Han, just because you can take advantage

138
00:04:57,803 --> 00:04:59,808
of a business situation,
doesn't mean you should.

139
00:04:59,809 --> 00:05:01,807
It is law of supply and demand.

140
00:05:01,808 --> 00:05:04,807
Fine, then I demand you roll
back the price on the supply.

141
00:05:04,808 --> 00:05:06,811
Come on han, don't be so 1% about it.

142
00:05:06,812 --> 00:05:07,892
You think occupy Wall
Street was a big deal?

143
00:05:07,893 --> 00:05:11,807
Wait till you see occupy tampon.

144
00:05:11,808 --> 00:05:12,892
We only protest once a month,

145
00:05:12,893 --> 00:05:15,892
but it's an intense five to seven days.

146
00:05:21,133 --> 00:05:22,156
Got it. Found the milk.

147
00:05:22,157 --> 00:05:24,138
And I found it even
faster than the butter.

148
00:05:24,139 --> 00:05:27,107
You know they're not hiding it from you.

149
00:05:27,108 --> 00:05:29,196
It's a grocery store, not a
sorority scavenger hunt.

150
00:05:29,197 --> 00:05:32,132
Grocery shopping is so fun.

151
00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:33,167
When I was little, I always wondered

152
00:05:33,168 --> 00:05:36,167
where this stuff came from.

153
00:05:39,146 --> 00:05:40,182
What's that?

154
00:05:40,183 --> 00:05:41,183
Birthday card for my mom.

155
00:05:41,184 --> 00:05:45,116
Aww, let me see.

156
00:05:45,117 --> 00:05:46,136
"Get better soon"?

157
00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:47,194
I thought you said it
was a birthday card.

158
00:05:47,195 --> 00:05:49,158
It is, that's the only one that seemed

159
00:05:49,159 --> 00:05:51,161
appropriate for our relationship.

160
00:05:51,162 --> 00:05:53,117
Do you really want your mom to get

161
00:05:53,118 --> 00:05:55,149
a get well card on her birthday?

162
00:05:55,150 --> 00:05:57,179
Okay...Here's one with a
strawberry, that's fine.

163
00:05:57,180 --> 00:06:01,099
It's really about the
50 bucks inside anyway.

164
00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:02,133
That makes me sad.

165
00:06:02,134 --> 00:06:06,141
Sad? I can fix that.

166
00:06:06,142 --> 00:06:08,112
Have a treat, it'll
perk you right back up.

167
00:06:08,113 --> 00:06:10,166
Max, you just stabbed a bag of candy.

168
00:06:10,167 --> 00:06:11,179
That's okay, they'll just think a gang

169
00:06:11,180 --> 00:06:13,182
came through and did it.

170
00:06:13,183 --> 00:06:14,188
A candy gang?

171
00:06:14,189 --> 00:06:18,161
What, like the sour patch kids?

172
00:06:18,162 --> 00:06:20,182
Just step away and pretend
you didn't do it.

173
00:06:20,183 --> 00:06:24,124
That's what you do.

174
00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:25,194
We just need to grab ten boxes

175
00:06:25,195 --> 00:06:27,160
of Duncan Hines cake mix and we're done.

176
00:06:27,161 --> 00:06:28,192
Why would we need to do that?

177
00:06:28,193 --> 00:06:31,103
Why do you think? To make the cupcakes.

178
00:06:31,104 --> 00:06:33,145
I thought the cupcakes were homemade.

179
00:06:33,146 --> 00:06:37,161
They are, I make them in my home.

180
00:06:37,162 --> 00:06:40,132
You've been using a boxed cake mix?

181
00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:42,149
Relax, I only use it when I'm tired.

182
00:06:42,150 --> 00:06:44,160
And I add a secret ingredient
of my own to the mix

183
00:06:44,161 --> 00:06:45,179
that makes them irresistible.

184
00:06:45,180 --> 00:06:48,157
So you have no shame using
the store-bought mix?

185
00:06:48,158 --> 00:06:52,099
I've no shame about anything.
Shame is overrated like Ke$ha.

186
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:56,107
In fact, they should
rename shame "keshame"

187
00:06:56,108 --> 00:07:02,178
I just bought a Ke$ha
album, I'm so keshamed.

188
00:07:02,179 --> 00:07:04,152
Shouldn't there be someone
to do this for us?

189
00:07:04,153 --> 00:07:05,156
Oh, he's probably in the aisle

190
00:07:05,157 --> 00:07:06,179
cleaning up after the candy gang.

191
00:07:06,180 --> 00:07:09,107
There was no candy gang in here tonight.

192
00:07:09,108 --> 00:07:13,195
That was a sneaky
customer, now wasn't it?

193
00:07:13,196 --> 00:07:15,103
Hey, look.

194
00:07:15,104 --> 00:07:17,099
For Chestnut, I can't wait.

195
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:18,183
I got him the kind with tops
on them, like Bugs Bunny.

196
00:07:18,184 --> 00:07:21,120
He'll be so excited when he
sees the two of us tomorrow.

197
00:07:21,121 --> 00:07:22,141
I know.

198
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:25,116
I was talking about me and the carrots.

199
00:07:25,117 --> 00:07:28,195
All right now, your total is $70.49.

200
00:07:28,196 --> 00:07:30,191
Wow, that seems like a lot.

201
00:07:30,192 --> 00:07:34,099
I don't make the prices, now do I?

202
00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:36,157
No, I was just commenting.

203
00:07:36,158 --> 00:07:41,132
Well, it's not CNN, now is it?

204
00:07:41,133 --> 00:07:44,161
- Here, give her the coupons.
- The coupons?

205
00:07:44,162 --> 00:07:46,116
Yeah, here.

206
00:07:46,117 --> 00:07:49,128
Max, you use coupons?

207
00:07:49,129 --> 00:07:51,170
I had no idea.

208
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:56,157
You're looking at me like
I'm on To Catch a Predator.

209
00:07:56,158 --> 00:07:59,103
We don't need to use those, I
have my tip money right here.

210
00:07:59,104 --> 00:08:01,128
What are you talking
about, I have coupons.

211
00:08:01,129 --> 00:08:03,129
Here, take them.

212
00:08:06,179 --> 00:08:08,157
I...I have...

213
00:08:08,158 --> 00:08:10,107
I can't, I don't want to.

214
00:08:10,108 --> 00:08:11,188
I've fallen so far, I
can't fall any further.

215
00:08:11,189 --> 00:08:14,116
Don't make me.

216
00:08:14,117 --> 00:08:17,145
There's no need to go
down a keshame spiral.

217
00:08:17,146 --> 00:08:18,192
Hi, she has coupons.

218
00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:21,124
Oh, now you tell me you have coupons?

219
00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:23,170
Should have told me
before, now shouldn't ya?

220
00:08:23,171 --> 00:08:25,178
I didn't wanna tell you
at all, she made me.

221
00:08:25,179 --> 00:08:28,187
Now didn't ya?

222
00:08:28,188 --> 00:08:30,191
Look, it's not a big deal.

223
00:08:30,192 --> 00:08:31,188
Lots of people use coupons.

224
00:08:31,189 --> 00:08:33,120
Coupons are for...

225
00:08:33,121 --> 00:08:34,192
poor people, yes.

226
00:08:34,193 --> 00:08:35,190
Like us.

227
00:08:35,191 --> 00:08:37,102
People who stand at the cash register

228
00:08:37,103 --> 00:08:38,146
and say things like,

229
00:08:38,147 --> 00:08:41,120
"Wow, $70? That seems like a lot."

230
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:44,166
Your new total is $12.70.

231
00:08:44,167 --> 00:08:47,157
Wait, it just went from $70 to $12?

232
00:08:47,158 --> 00:08:48,162
Just like that?

233
00:08:48,163 --> 00:08:50,153
The same food for less money?

234
00:08:50,154 --> 00:08:52,161
The exact same food?

235
00:08:52,162 --> 00:08:54,099
How is that even possible?

236
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:57,174
You used coupons, now didn't ya.

237
00:08:57,175 --> 00:09:00,175
Max, coupons are genius.

238
00:09:04,196 --> 00:09:06,157
I'm late, I know.

239
00:09:06,158 --> 00:09:08,106
I just got a text from Chestnut.

240
00:09:08,107 --> 00:09:09,108
"Where are you?

241
00:09:09,109 --> 00:09:11,107
I'm wearing my best suit."

242
00:09:11,108 --> 00:09:13,196
He spelled suit with a four, but
that's pretty good for a horse.

243
00:09:13,197 --> 00:09:15,191
I have a good reason.

244
00:09:15,192 --> 00:09:18,120
15 chicken pot pies.

245
00:09:18,121 --> 00:09:20,120
Regular price: $1.47.

246
00:09:20,121 --> 00:09:21,196
Coupon price: Free!

247
00:09:21,197 --> 00:09:23,166
'Cause I bought 15 and used

248
00:09:23,167 --> 00:09:25,119
the double coupon in-store sale combo.

249
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,115
Listen to me with the lingo already.

250
00:09:27,116 --> 00:09:29,188
Reminds me of my first day
interning on Wall Street.

251
00:09:29,189 --> 00:09:31,182
Chicken pot pies?

252
00:09:31,183 --> 00:09:33,157
You don't even like them.

253
00:09:33,158 --> 00:09:35,098
What does it matter if
I like them or not?

254
00:09:35,099 --> 00:09:36,098
They were free.

255
00:09:36,099 --> 00:09:37,098
It's free money.

256
00:09:37,099 --> 00:09:38,110
Who doesn't like free money?

257
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:39,140
I don't know about free money,

258
00:09:39,141 --> 00:09:40,154
but this is like watching someone

259
00:09:40,155 --> 00:09:43,120
free base for the first time.

260
00:09:43,121 --> 00:09:44,156
Chestnut's fine.

261
00:09:44,157 --> 00:09:45,196
It's not a big deal.

262
00:09:45,197 --> 00:09:48,195
Ooh, oh, I just got another
text from Chestnut.

263
00:09:48,196 --> 00:09:52,128
"I'm so lonely, I just tried smoking."

264
00:09:52,129 --> 00:09:53,196
We can go tomorrow.

265
00:09:53,197 --> 00:09:55,157
In the Lifetime movie version,

266
00:09:55,158 --> 00:09:57,162
we just missed the day we
were appointed by the court,

267
00:09:57,163 --> 00:10:00,099
and Chestnut's new parents
move him out of town.

268
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:01,191
And we cry.

269
00:10:01,192 --> 00:10:03,195
I get it, it's just
that after last night,

270
00:10:03,196 --> 00:10:06,145
I woke up fascinated by
the concept of coupons.

271
00:10:06,146 --> 00:10:07,183
So I did some research.

272
00:10:07,184 --> 00:10:09,099
I found this woman online

273
00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:11,161
who calls herself the
Williamsburg Coupon Queen.

274
00:10:11,162 --> 00:10:13,111
Only she calls them "cue-pons."

275
00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:14,165
Is that the correct way to pronounce it?

276
00:10:14,166 --> 00:10:15,183
Eh, I'm gonna go with her way

277
00:10:15,184 --> 00:10:19,111
after all, she is the queen.

278
00:10:19,112 --> 00:10:20,167
Canned pumpkin?

279
00:10:20,168 --> 00:10:23,174
Ten cans, double coupon,
five cents each.

280
00:10:23,175 --> 00:10:25,162
Great, 'cause I'm always
lying in bed at night

281
00:10:25,163 --> 00:10:28,128
thinking I wish I could crack
open a can of pumpkin.

282
00:10:28,129 --> 00:10:31,099
Oh, and I found a coupon for
you to send your mom an

283
00:10:31,100 --> 00:10:32,154
edible arrangement for her birthday.

284
00:10:32,155 --> 00:10:36,153
A pretty pineapple daisy says so
much more than cash in a card.

285
00:10:36,154 --> 00:10:40,099
And it's for 40% off the regular price.

286
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:43,191
That's perfect because my mom
was 40% off a regular mom.

287
00:10:43,192 --> 00:10:46,195
And Max, I do have something
else for you in this bag.

288
00:10:46,196 --> 00:10:49,132
Something that'll make you very happy.

289
00:10:49,133 --> 00:10:52,124
Canned yams for when I get
tired of canned pumpkin?

290
00:10:52,125 --> 00:10:56,195
Better, look.

291
00:10:56,196 --> 00:10:58,195
Look out, Han Lee.

292
00:10:58,196 --> 00:11:01,196
I'm about to get my tamp on.

293
00:11:06,150 --> 00:11:08,195
Well well, if it isn't
everything that's wrong

294
00:11:08,196 --> 00:11:12,196
with the current economy,
in a boys' v-neck sweater.

295
00:11:14,183 --> 00:11:16,191
Oh, what do you think you are doing?

296
00:11:16,192 --> 00:11:20,192
Oh, just putting straws
in the container...

297
00:11:22,133 --> 00:11:26,178
In case, uh...

298
00:11:26,179 --> 00:11:29,107
Just in case a woman might
suddenly need a straw

299
00:11:29,108 --> 00:11:31,132
and not have 75 cents.

300
00:11:31,133 --> 00:11:32,196
Those are not straws.

301
00:11:32,197 --> 00:11:34,149
They do not belong in public.

302
00:11:34,150 --> 00:11:36,107
Didn't your mother ever teach you

303
00:11:36,108 --> 00:11:39,178
that is secret, no-no
private lady thing?

304
00:11:39,179 --> 00:11:41,187
You can't even say the name.

305
00:11:41,188 --> 00:11:43,142
Come on Wall Street, if you can sell it,

306
00:11:43,143 --> 00:11:46,153
you should be able to
bring yourself to say it.

307
00:11:46,154 --> 00:11:48,100
I will never speak of it.

308
00:11:49,108 --> 00:11:51,116
Just say it. Tampon, tampon, tampon.

309
00:11:51,117 --> 00:11:53,116
What's the big deal?

310
00:11:53,117 --> 00:11:55,178
In Ukraine, there are
pop songs about it.

311
00:11:55,179 --> 00:11:57,196
She's so pretty, she's so grouchy.

312
00:12:07,138 --> 00:12:09,131
That is inappropriate counter display.

313
00:12:09,132 --> 00:12:10,136
You take it down.

314
00:12:10,137 --> 00:12:11,188
You take down the price and I will.

315
00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:13,137
No, it is free market.

316
00:12:13,138 --> 00:12:14,138
I charge what I want.

317
00:12:14,139 --> 00:12:16,161
I am the boss.

318
00:12:16,162 --> 00:12:19,182
Max, someone left a stack of
newspapers filled with cue-pons,

319
00:12:19,183 --> 00:12:22,149
and look, a double for Duncan Hines.

320
00:12:22,150 --> 00:12:23,192
Could this day get any better?

321
00:12:23,193 --> 00:12:26,120
Oh, and tables four, seven
and eight want their checks.

322
00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,120
Okay.

323
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:30,121
Have 'em ready right here.

324
00:12:33,146 --> 00:12:36,128
Max, no, that is private!

325
00:12:36,129 --> 00:12:37,173
Here's your check.

326
00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:38,196
And a little something extra,

327
00:12:38,197 --> 00:12:42,178
compliments of women without
three quarters everywhere.

328
00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:44,149
Thank you very much.

329
00:12:44,150 --> 00:12:45,158
I don't know about your flow,

330
00:12:45,159 --> 00:12:48,158
so I gave you a regular and a super.

331
00:12:55,117 --> 00:12:56,192
Max, have you no shame?

332
00:12:56,193 --> 00:12:57,182
Nope.

333
00:12:57,183 --> 00:12:59,187
Ladies, at that time of the month,

334
00:12:59,188 --> 00:13:01,121
I invite you to think of this man.

335
00:13:01,122 --> 00:13:03,149
This man, Han Lee, right over here.

336
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:07,150
The man who thinks your menses
should be more expenses.

337
00:13:09,154 --> 00:13:10,196
Okay, okay, I will lower the price

338
00:13:10,197 --> 00:13:12,116
back to a quarter.

339
00:13:12,117 --> 00:13:14,157
And that is end of discussion, period.

340
00:13:14,158 --> 00:13:17,178
Oh.

341
00:13:17,179 --> 00:13:18,679
Tampons for everyone.

342
00:13:23,121 --> 00:13:27,121
Max, you are the Norma
Rae of feminine hygiene.

343
00:13:43,038 --> 00:13:45,016
It's so windy.

344
00:13:45,017 --> 00:13:48,020
Choosing coupon shopping over
going to see your son again?

345
00:13:48,021 --> 00:13:49,991
That's a keshame.

346
00:13:49,992 --> 00:13:51,015
In the Lifetime movie version,

347
00:13:51,016 --> 00:13:53,027
this is where they take you
away as an unfit mother.

348
00:13:53,028 --> 00:13:54,029
And I don't cry.

349
00:13:54,030 --> 00:13:55,991
I'm sorry, but I just saw

350
00:13:55,992 --> 00:13:58,007
that all these cake mix
cue-pons expire today.

351
00:13:58,008 --> 00:13:59,015
I'll be real quick.

352
00:13:59,016 --> 00:14:00,036
Ten minutes, in and out.

353
00:14:00,037 --> 00:14:01,981
If I had a cue-pon for every time

354
00:14:01,982 --> 00:14:02,990
I heard that from a guy.

355
00:14:02,991 --> 00:14:04,969
Here, start going through these papers

356
00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:06,950
and look for the cake
mix double cue-pon.

357
00:14:06,951 --> 00:14:08,974
If I combine these with
the in-store bonus,

358
00:14:08,975 --> 00:14:11,949
not only will we get the
lower cue-pon mix price,

359
00:14:11,950 --> 00:14:14,962
but they will actually give us $23 back!

360
00:14:16,008 --> 00:14:19,003
I'll give you $24 to
stop saying cue-pon.

361
00:14:19,004 --> 00:14:21,974
Come on, start pulling out
the ones for the cake mix.

362
00:14:21,975 --> 00:14:27,007
It'll be a breeze.

363
00:14:27,008 --> 00:14:28,970
No, that was a breeze.

364
00:14:28,971 --> 00:14:30,978
My cue-pons!

365
00:14:30,979 --> 00:14:33,008
The fact that you're more
worried about your coupons

366
00:14:33,009 --> 00:14:37,008
than your hair shows
how far you've fallen.

367
00:14:40,958 --> 00:14:42,012
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

368
00:14:42,013 --> 00:14:44,974
Max, it's the Williamsburg
cue-pon queen.

369
00:14:44,975 --> 00:14:46,978
Where'd she leave her
crown, in the minivan?

370
00:14:46,979 --> 00:14:49,027
This is so exciting.
I have to go pay my respects.

371
00:14:49,028 --> 00:14:50,036
We don't have time for this.

372
00:14:50,037 --> 00:14:51,979
Just throw the cake mix into the cart

373
00:14:51,980 --> 00:14:55,991
or we'll miss the train.

374
00:14:55,992 --> 00:14:57,982
There, calm down, have a treat.

375
00:14:57,983 --> 00:15:00,961
I'll be right back.

376
00:15:00,962 --> 00:15:02,038
Excuse me, your highness,

377
00:15:02,039 --> 00:15:04,037
but aren't you the cue-pon queen?

378
00:15:04,038 --> 00:15:05,037
Mm-hmm.

379
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:06,999
I'm Caroline.

380
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,033
Freddie, and I can't talk right now

381
00:15:08,034 --> 00:15:09,982
because if I lose my place...

382
00:15:09,983 --> 00:15:11,029
- you'll lose your mind!
- I'm gonna lose...My...Mind...

383
00:15:11,030 --> 00:15:13,961
I know. You say that on your show.

384
00:15:13,962 --> 00:15:15,998
I won't bother you, but I
think you'll be excited

385
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:16,996
when I tell you that
it's only my second day

386
00:15:16,997 --> 00:15:18,982
and I already learned

387
00:15:18,983 --> 00:15:20,952
how to make money on the
purchase of cake mix.

388
00:15:20,953 --> 00:15:22,962
All I have to do is buy 40
boxes and we get the...

389
00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:24,995
store bonus, yeah.

390
00:15:24,996 --> 00:15:29,987
Cake mix... That's a rare cue-pon.

391
00:15:29,988 --> 00:15:30,986
Where'd you find it?

392
00:15:30,987 --> 00:15:31,998
Yesterday's circulars.

393
00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:33,000
Didn't you see it?

394
00:15:33,001 --> 00:15:34,995
I missed it.

395
00:15:34,996 --> 00:15:39,999
Go to the truck and get the
stockpile of circulars.

396
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,037
Look at him go.

397
00:15:42,038 --> 00:15:44,966
You're sweeping the shelves.

398
00:15:44,967 --> 00:15:47,033
On your show, you said sweeping
the shelves was out of line.

399
00:15:47,034 --> 00:15:49,032
Max!

400
00:15:49,033 --> 00:15:51,007
These are mine, I was here first.

401
00:15:51,008 --> 00:15:53,007
I think she's probably
gonna be here last,

402
00:15:53,008 --> 00:15:54,949
so let's go, we don't need these.

403
00:15:54,950 --> 00:15:56,006
We do, if we don't get 40 boxes,

404
00:15:56,007 --> 00:15:57,046
they won't be free.

405
00:15:57,047 --> 00:16:00,046
I've met actual queens and
this isn't royal behavior.

406
00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:06,949
Max, she just body-checked me.

407
00:16:06,950 --> 00:16:09,038
Push me again and I will report
you to the American embassy.

408
00:16:09,039 --> 00:16:12,038
Max, get in here.

409
00:16:14,992 --> 00:16:18,974
Oh, we got a problem?

410
00:16:18,975 --> 00:16:21,028
Oh, we got a problem.

411
00:16:21,029 --> 00:16:24,029
Oh, hell no!

412
00:16:31,046 --> 00:16:32,978
What do we do?

413
00:16:32,979 --> 00:16:34,987
You step away and pretend
you didn't do it.

414
00:16:34,988 --> 00:16:38,957
That's what you do.

415
00:16:38,958 --> 00:16:39,987
24, 25...

416
00:16:39,988 --> 00:16:42,003
you're making me wait, now aren't ya?

417
00:16:42,004 --> 00:16:42,988
Just till I get to 40.

418
00:16:44,012 --> 00:16:45,987
26, 27, 28.

419
00:16:45,988 --> 00:16:48,974
Come on, I'll buy it for you.

420
00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:50,008
Come on, take up the bitch on his offer

421
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,974
and let's go see Chestnut.

422
00:16:51,975 --> 00:16:53,006
Max, shh, I'm counting.

423
00:16:53,007 --> 00:16:55,042
If we don't have the exact
right mix-to-coupon ratio

424
00:16:55,043 --> 00:16:56,999
we won't get our free money.

425
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,033
Okay, where was I?

426
00:16:58,034 --> 00:16:59,978
Amateur.

427
00:16:59,979 --> 00:17:01,046
Real mature, your highness.

428
00:17:01,047 --> 00:17:03,961
We have places to go.

429
00:17:03,962 --> 00:17:04,961
Okay, 40.

430
00:17:04,962 --> 00:17:06,970
Take it away, Tanya.

431
00:17:06,971 --> 00:17:07,998
Wait, what is this?

432
00:17:07,999 --> 00:17:09,986
This isn't Duncan Hines, it's Pillsbury.

433
00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:10,988
Where did this come from?

434
00:17:10,989 --> 00:17:11,986
I put it in.

435
00:17:11,987 --> 00:17:12,992
You can't do that.

436
00:17:12,993 --> 00:17:14,974
It has to be all Duncan Hines.

437
00:17:14,975 --> 00:17:15,986
I needed Pillsbury.

438
00:17:15,987 --> 00:17:16,986
Well, you can't have it.

439
00:17:16,987 --> 00:17:17,986
- I need it!
- Why?

440
00:17:17,987 --> 00:17:19,021
- I need it!
- Why?

441
00:17:19,022 --> 00:17:21,974
That's the secret ingredient.

442
00:17:21,975 --> 00:17:23,995
I throw a spoon of Pillsbury

443
00:17:23,996 --> 00:17:25,038
in the Duncan Hines.

444
00:17:25,039 --> 00:17:26,961
Pillsbury?

445
00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:27,988
That's what makes it you?

446
00:17:27,989 --> 00:17:31,003
That's what makes it more delicious.

447
00:17:31,004 --> 00:17:32,978
Tanya, stop, flag on the play.

448
00:17:32,979 --> 00:17:34,036
Here, take this back

449
00:17:34,037 --> 00:17:35,040
and get me another.

450
00:17:35,041 --> 00:17:36,952
You know what, I'm just gonna go

451
00:17:36,953 --> 00:17:37,986
see Chestnut while I still have time.

452
00:17:37,987 --> 00:17:39,960
No, Max, please take this
back and get me another one.

453
00:17:39,961 --> 00:17:40,996
You're the one who wanted to use

454
00:17:40,997 --> 00:17:43,957
the store-bought mix instead of
making your own from scratch.

455
00:17:43,958 --> 00:17:45,038
So go back and get me another mix.

456
00:17:45,039 --> 00:17:47,966
I used the mix because I don't
know how to make my own.

457
00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:48,969
No one ever taught me.

458
00:17:48,970 --> 00:17:50,006
No one taught me how to bake.

459
00:17:50,007 --> 00:17:51,965
No one taught me how to use tampons.

460
00:17:51,966 --> 00:17:52,996
No one taught me anything.

461
00:17:52,997 --> 00:17:55,949
You still think I should
send my mom a better gift?

462
00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:59,957
And no one taught you how
to check out, either.

463
00:17:59,958 --> 00:18:01,966
I'm going.

464
00:18:01,967 --> 00:18:02,999
Max.

465
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,986
You need to get another
mix, now don't ya?

466
00:18:04,987 --> 00:18:06,971
I'll go get it, won't take a minute.

467
00:18:08,008 --> 00:18:12,008
Who's the queen now?

468
00:18:15,158 --> 00:18:17,124
Hey, my dude.

469
00:18:17,125 --> 00:18:19,191
Look at you and your fancy coat.

470
00:18:19,192 --> 00:18:22,174
Retirement looks good on you.

471
00:18:22,175 --> 00:18:24,141
Told you I'd come by to see you.

472
00:18:24,142 --> 00:18:25,196
Hooked you up with some carrots.

473
00:18:25,197 --> 00:18:30,153
Bugs Bunny status, like I know you like.

474
00:18:30,154 --> 00:18:32,191
I, uh, I don't know if you got my text.

475
00:18:32,192 --> 00:18:36,124
Probably not a great
signal in here, but...

476
00:18:36,125 --> 00:18:37,183
Your mom might be a little late.

477
00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:41,170
She's coming though 'cause I
know she's dying to see you.

478
00:18:41,171 --> 00:18:42,179
All right, man, who am I kidding?

479
00:18:42,180 --> 00:18:45,141
She's not coming.

480
00:18:45,142 --> 00:18:46,146
I know that's hard to hear,

481
00:18:46,147 --> 00:18:48,153
and trust me, mothers not showing up,

482
00:18:48,154 --> 00:18:49,154
I've been there.

483
00:18:49,155 --> 00:18:51,178
But, I know wherever she is,

484
00:18:51,179 --> 00:18:54,132
she is thinking of you.

485
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,138
Okay, that's not true either.

486
00:18:55,139 --> 00:18:57,149
Here's the thing.

487
00:18:57,150 --> 00:18:59,099
Your mom is a flake.

488
00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:00,125
And you got two options,

489
00:19:00,126 --> 00:19:02,149
you can sit around feeling
sorry for yourself

490
00:19:02,150 --> 00:19:05,099
or you can say, "Hey,
my mom's not here."

491
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:07,157
"I can watch TV all day
and then go kick in

492
00:19:07,158 --> 00:19:10,145
a neighbor's window
because I feel like it."

493
00:19:10,146 --> 00:19:11,157
Hey.

494
00:19:11,158 --> 00:19:13,099
Hey, look at me.

495
00:19:13,100 --> 00:19:15,141
The fact that she's not
here is not your fault.

496
00:19:15,142 --> 00:19:17,149
It's hers.

497
00:19:17,150 --> 00:19:18,171
There, I just saved you, like,

498
00:19:18,172 --> 00:19:21,171
14 inappropriate sexual encounters.

499
00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:24,499
Hi.

500
00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:25,566
Hey.

501
00:19:26,167 --> 00:19:28,174
Hi, Chestnut!

502
00:19:28,175 --> 00:19:30,145
Hi, baby.

503
00:19:30,146 --> 00:19:31,707
Aw...

504
00:19:31,708 --> 00:19:33,149
I missed you.

505
00:19:33,150 --> 00:19:34,807
I missed you so much.

506
00:19:34,808 --> 00:19:36,067
Did you miss me?

507
00:19:36,168 --> 00:19:38,120
So you got all the cake mix?

508
00:19:38,121 --> 00:19:40,161
Yes, plus the $23.

509
00:19:40,162 --> 00:19:42,174
And I got you your Pillsbury as well.

510
00:19:42,175 --> 00:19:44,145
Paid full price... it killed me.

511
00:19:44,146 --> 00:19:46,166
You are a freak with the coupons.

512
00:19:46,167 --> 00:19:47,174
I know.

513
00:19:47,175 --> 00:19:49,149
I don't know what came over me.

514
00:19:49,150 --> 00:19:51,104
When I found a way to make free money

515
00:19:51,105 --> 00:19:53,141
I forgot about everyone else.

516
00:19:53,142 --> 00:19:54,170
Oh, my God.

517
00:19:54,171 --> 00:19:56,132
Like my father.

518
00:19:56,133 --> 00:19:58,149
Max, I have Ponzi DNA.

519
00:19:58,150 --> 00:20:02,153
Yeah, cou-Ponzi DNA.

520
00:20:02,154 --> 00:20:04,196
Must have been hard learning
to do everything on your own.

521
00:20:04,197 --> 00:20:07,107
I mean, I don't know how to
do any of that stuff either,

522
00:20:07,108 --> 00:20:08,175
but, I had a staff of 20.

523
00:20:08,176 --> 00:20:12,145
Yeah, I got staph at 20.

524
00:20:12,146 --> 00:20:15,132
You know, you may think
your secret ingredient

525
00:20:15,133 --> 00:20:17,137
is a spoonful of Pillsbury,

526
00:20:17,138 --> 00:20:18,153
but it's not.

527
00:20:18,154 --> 00:20:19,166
It's you.

528
00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:21,119
It's everything you've been through

529
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,146
that makes you who you are.

530
00:20:22,147 --> 00:20:24,182
Someone who fights for a box of tampons

531
00:20:24,183 --> 00:20:26,157
and fights for a horse's feelings

532
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:28,174
and even fights for a box of cake mix

533
00:20:28,175 --> 00:20:33,103
when a friend in the middle of a
cue-Ponzi panic, asks her to.

534
00:20:33,104 --> 00:20:35,107
This is the part in the
lifetime movie version

535
00:20:35,108 --> 00:20:38,178
where I get up to pee.

536
00:20:38,179 --> 00:20:40,104
I don't know who you're kidding.

537
00:20:40,105 --> 00:20:42,153
You watch the entire
movie and then you cry.

538
00:20:42,154 --> 00:20:43,175
Listen to her, Chestnut.

539
00:20:43,176 --> 00:20:46,120
She thinks she has me all figured out.

540
00:20:46,121 --> 00:20:48,142
What she doesn't know is that
when it comes to the cupcakes,

541
00:20:48,143 --> 00:20:51,145
I have another secret,
secret ingredient.

542
00:20:51,146 --> 00:20:53,133
Oh, don't tell me it's a
pinch of Betty Crocker.

543
00:20:53,134 --> 00:20:57,103
I can't tell you.
It's a secret ingredient.

544
00:20:57,104 --> 00:21:00,099
Okay, it's chocolate methamphetamine.

545
00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:01,107
No, it's true.

546
00:21:01,108 --> 00:21:02,106
Our slogan should be:

547
00:21:02,107 --> 00:21:03,108
They're so good,

548
00:21:03,109 --> 00:21:05,108
you'll rob your grandmother.