1
00:00:01,453 --> 00:00:03,618
Max, can you watch my tables
while I run to the restroom?

2
00:00:03,738 --> 00:00:04,854
I already am.

3
00:00:04,856 --> 00:00:06,305
I've been watching model girl

4
00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:08,991
pretend she's eating for 30 minutes.

5
00:00:08,993 --> 00:00:10,193
Oh, she's nice.

6
00:00:10,195 --> 00:00:13,096
She always tips
on what she would've eaten.

7
00:00:15,282 --> 00:00:16,366
Guess what, everyone?

8
00:00:16,368 --> 00:00:17,834
I have a secret.

9
00:00:17,836 --> 00:00:19,335
You're a woman trapped in a man's body?

10
00:00:19,337 --> 00:00:20,586
No.

11
00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:22,372
You're a man trapped in a woman's body?

12
00:00:22,374 --> 00:00:23,923
[Rings bell]
You're a little boy

13
00:00:23,925 --> 00:00:25,375
trapped in a little girl's body?

14
00:00:25,377 --> 00:00:27,760
I am a man in a man's body.

15
00:00:27,762 --> 00:00:31,130
We're not talking about your night life.

16
00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:33,716
I have discovered something when going over

17
00:00:33,718 --> 00:00:35,334
the employee applications.

18
00:00:35,336 --> 00:00:38,638
Okay, perhaps I never worked
at the Waldorf Astoria,

19
00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:42,508
but I did work with this guy,
Waldorf, in Astoria.

20
00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:45,528
It's not you. Tomorrow is Caroline's birthday.

21
00:00:45,530 --> 00:00:47,563
Why wouldn't I know that?

22
00:00:47,565 --> 00:00:49,732
She tells me everything about her life.

23
00:00:49,734 --> 00:00:51,150
I know so much about her cycle,

24
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:54,070
I'm feeling pressure to impregnate her.

25
00:00:54,072 --> 00:00:56,823
I can do that for you.

26
00:00:56,825 --> 00:00:58,074
It's weird.

27
00:00:58,076 --> 00:01:00,193
Why wouldn't she want
to celebrate her birthday?

28
00:01:00,195 --> 00:01:01,527
She celebrates everything.

29
00:01:01,529 --> 00:01:03,413
Heads up, everybody.

30
00:01:03,415 --> 00:01:05,331
I just refilled the paper towels.

31
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:10,269
Who's a team player? What, what?

32
00:01:11,255 --> 00:01:12,488
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

33
00:01:13,183 --> 00:01:14,930
[Cash register bell dings]

34
00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:16,956
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

35
00:01:17,076 --> 00:01:19,358
2 Broke Girls - S01E18
And the One-Night Stands

36
00:01:19,478 --> 00:01:21,314
Original air date
February 27, 2012

37
00:01:21,434 --> 00:01:24,484
Sync and corrections by Gatto
for www.addic7ed.com

38
00:01:28,076 --> 00:01:29,443
Max.

39
00:01:29,445 --> 00:01:31,078
You know what we have to do.

40
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,514
Aw, man. I knew this day would come.

41
00:01:33,516 --> 00:01:38,502
All right, what's the least
amount I can do to keep my job?

42
00:01:38,504 --> 00:01:41,121
Just tell me when it's over.

43
00:01:41,123 --> 00:01:42,873
And when it starts.

44
00:01:42,875 --> 00:01:45,909
It's time to talk about Caroline's birthday.

45
00:01:45,911 --> 00:01:47,461
You have to throw her a party.

46
00:01:47,463 --> 00:01:48,962
[Groans]
I'd rather you just

47
00:01:48,964 --> 00:01:52,266
have your tiny way with me.

48
00:01:52,268 --> 00:01:54,885
I don't like birthdays.
I don't even know when mine is.

49
00:01:54,887 --> 00:01:59,139
My mom narrowed it down
to a two-week window in June.

50
00:02:00,725 --> 00:02:03,027
But you are Caroline's BFF.

51
00:02:03,029 --> 00:02:05,979
And it is BFF's job
to throw friend a party.

52
00:02:05,981 --> 00:02:07,064
Han, I don't have enough money

53
00:02:07,066 --> 00:02:08,365
to throw a party.

54
00:02:08,367 --> 00:02:11,601
I don't even have enough money
to throw a baseball.

55
00:02:11,603 --> 00:02:13,487
You have money. You be her BFF.

56
00:02:13,489 --> 00:02:16,790
I already have a BFF-- Jamarcus.

57
00:02:16,792 --> 00:02:18,409
And my last birthday,

58
00:02:18,411 --> 00:02:20,828
he threw me a sick surprise party.

59
00:02:20,830 --> 00:02:23,747
You must think BFF stands
for "barely freaking friends",

60
00:02:23,749 --> 00:02:25,382
because there's no way you're down

61
00:02:25,384 --> 00:02:26,917
with someone named Jamarcus.

62
00:02:26,919 --> 00:02:28,001
Oh, really?

63
00:02:28,003 --> 00:02:32,289
Then why did we exchange
ATM pin numbers?

64
00:02:32,291 --> 00:02:35,125
Oh...

65
00:02:35,127 --> 00:02:37,895
I'll just crop that, and we'll be good to go.

66
00:02:37,897 --> 00:02:41,131
Max, Edwin's ready to show us
the design for our new website.

67
00:02:41,133 --> 00:02:42,683
Come see it.

68
00:02:42,685 --> 00:02:45,018
Dude, you and the webmaster
have been talking "business"

69
00:02:45,020 --> 00:02:46,636
every day for a week.

70
00:02:46,638 --> 00:02:47,855
Is something going on there?

71
00:02:47,857 --> 00:02:50,657
Shouldn't the web be mastered by now?

72
00:02:50,659 --> 00:02:52,693
It's strictly business.

73
00:02:52,695 --> 00:02:54,862
All right, but it's costing us $200.

74
00:02:54,864 --> 00:02:57,331
Might as well get something out of it.

75
00:02:57,333 --> 00:03:01,985
Maybe let him browse your Yahoo?

76
00:03:01,987 --> 00:03:04,254
Looks like he might have
a big ol' hard drive

77
00:03:04,256 --> 00:03:07,141
with a lot of ram.

78
00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:10,127
Yeah, he's cute, but I don't
want a relationship right now.

79
00:03:10,129 --> 00:03:11,762
And I don't do one-night stands.

80
00:03:11,764 --> 00:03:14,164
All right, so don't stand. Lay down.

81
00:03:14,166 --> 00:03:15,466
That's not me--

82
00:03:15,468 --> 00:03:17,667
the next morning,
doing the walk of shame.

83
00:03:17,669 --> 00:03:20,554
I always see those girls
with their messed-up sex hair,

84
00:03:20,556 --> 00:03:22,506
carrying their heels,
clutching their coats

85
00:03:22,508 --> 00:03:23,840
to hide last night's outfit.

86
00:03:23,842 --> 00:03:26,176
Going into Kinko's to use Google maps

87
00:03:26,178 --> 00:03:28,862
so you can figure out where you are.

88
00:03:28,864 --> 00:03:34,234
You really put the "ho" in "Kinko."

89
00:03:34,236 --> 00:03:36,370
Oh. Sorry, Sophie.

90
00:03:36,372 --> 00:03:37,321
We're closed.

91
00:03:37,323 --> 00:03:38,789
Oh, no. I'll be quick.

92
00:03:38,791 --> 00:03:40,707
I just want a cupcake to go.

93
00:03:40,827 --> 00:03:44,545
I'm on my way to 24 hour fitness.

94
00:03:44,547 --> 00:03:49,800
Ja, and I put it on the cupcake
holder on the treadmill.

95
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:52,101
[Laughs]

96
00:03:52,221 --> 00:03:55,472
Uh, Max,
my town car is parked out front

97
00:03:55,474 --> 00:03:57,808
and I was wondering
if you wanted me to wait

98
00:03:57,810 --> 00:04:00,477
for you and Caroline to give you
a ride back to our building.

99
00:04:00,479 --> 00:04:01,812
Oh, no. It's okay.

100
00:04:01,814 --> 00:04:03,096
We still have to clean up
and take the garbage out.

101
00:04:03,098 --> 00:04:04,481
Oh.

102
00:04:08,653 --> 00:04:13,723
Oh, looks like the garbage
is taking itself out.

103
00:04:13,725 --> 00:04:16,860
The game continues.

104
00:04:16,862 --> 00:04:18,162
Here is my number.

105
00:04:18,164 --> 00:04:19,696
I invite you to call me

106
00:04:19,698 --> 00:04:21,832
when you realize what a catch I am.

107
00:04:21,834 --> 00:04:24,718
Or any time you are drunk and willing.

108
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:28,038
Max, I'm going to need the doggy bag as well.

109
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:29,790
Not for the cupcake.

110
00:04:29,792 --> 00:04:33,043
To puke in.

111
00:04:36,714 --> 00:04:37,914
So I'll get this finalized,

112
00:04:37,916 --> 00:04:39,583
and then I'll stop
by the diner tomorrow

113
00:04:39,585 --> 00:04:42,269
so you can sign off on
the layout before we go live.

114
00:04:42,271 --> 00:04:43,937
This is so exciting.

115
00:04:43,939 --> 00:04:46,089
Oh, wait, Edwin. Shoot.

116
00:04:46,091 --> 00:04:47,975
I forgot to show you
the new pricing chart.

117
00:04:47,977 --> 00:04:49,643
It's cool, I can draft it up right now

118
00:04:49,645 --> 00:04:50,927
and upload it when I get home.

119
00:04:50,929 --> 00:04:53,230
Yeah, webmaster. You work pretty fast.

120
00:04:53,232 --> 00:04:55,732
But I bet you can work slow, too.

121
00:04:55,734 --> 00:04:57,985
And really fast again.

122
00:04:57,987 --> 00:04:59,620
I can be done in a minute.

123
00:04:59,622 --> 00:05:01,455
Ooh, not what you want to hear.

124
00:05:01,457 --> 00:05:03,040
Max.

125
00:05:03,042 --> 00:05:04,958
It's fine. We can wait.

126
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,460
You know what? You stay here.

127
00:05:06,462 --> 00:05:08,962
I have to go to the store
and pick up stuff for your--

128
00:05:08,964 --> 00:05:10,414
my what?

129
00:05:10,416 --> 00:05:15,135
Your cupcake business that
you're making me do with you.

130
00:05:15,137 --> 00:05:16,286
Get home safe.

131
00:05:16,288 --> 00:05:18,305
Um, hey, where do you live, Edwin?

132
00:05:18,307 --> 00:05:19,423
Hell's kitchen.

133
00:05:19,425 --> 00:05:20,591
Oh, cool.

134
00:05:20,593 --> 00:05:21,925
You're going to want
to take the "c" down,

135
00:05:21,927 --> 00:05:23,594
transfer to the "l,"
and if you get lost,

136
00:05:23,596 --> 00:05:25,762
there's a Kinko's on 6th and 14th.

137
00:05:25,764 --> 00:05:29,216
That's embarrassing. Max was just trying to--

138
00:05:29,218 --> 00:05:31,301
yeah, I work on complicated web programs.

139
00:05:31,303 --> 00:05:33,687
I think I cracked that code.

140
00:05:33,689 --> 00:05:35,155
She wants us to hook up.

141
00:05:35,157 --> 00:05:37,474
Yeah. I'm sorry.

142
00:05:37,476 --> 00:05:38,642
Why are you sorry?

143
00:05:38,644 --> 00:05:42,312
That's all I've been thinking about.

144
00:05:53,174 --> 00:05:56,343
Yum, yum.

145
00:05:56,345 --> 00:05:59,162
Oh, my God.

146
00:05:59,164 --> 00:06:01,715
They are so hot.

147
00:06:12,843 --> 00:06:15,529
Don't give me that look.

148
00:06:27,292 --> 00:06:28,375
Oleg.

149
00:06:28,377 --> 00:06:29,660
Caroline.

150
00:06:29,662 --> 00:06:31,211
What are you doing here?

151
00:06:31,213 --> 00:06:32,913
What are you doing here?

152
00:06:32,915 --> 00:06:35,749
I live here, and I'm just coming out

153
00:06:35,751 --> 00:06:37,367
from going to get coffee.

154
00:06:37,369 --> 00:06:40,053
It was delicious.
I drank every bit of it.

155
00:06:40,055 --> 00:06:42,472
Outside. That's why I don't have a cup.

156
00:06:42,474 --> 00:06:45,542
But you're wearing
the same outfit from last night.

157
00:06:45,544 --> 00:06:48,428
You're wearing the same outfit
from last night.

158
00:06:48,430 --> 00:06:50,814
And you have messed-up sex hair.

159
00:06:50,816 --> 00:06:53,483
You have messed-up sex hair.

160
00:06:53,485 --> 00:06:55,736
Webmaster?

161
00:06:55,738 --> 00:06:57,754
Sophie?

162
00:06:57,756 --> 00:07:00,857
She called me up and we made hand love.

163
00:07:00,859 --> 00:07:02,726
But I thought Sophie hated you.

164
00:07:02,728 --> 00:07:06,563
Well, she doesn't hate my hand.

165
00:07:06,565 --> 00:07:08,248
But you cannot tell anyone.

166
00:07:08,250 --> 00:07:09,783
That was her one condition.

167
00:07:09,785 --> 00:07:11,868
That and a copy
of my recent blood tests

168
00:07:11,870 --> 00:07:13,954
signed by a medical professional.

169
00:07:13,956 --> 00:07:15,071
Deal.

170
00:07:15,073 --> 00:07:16,757
And you can't tell
anyone about me, either.

171
00:07:16,759 --> 00:07:17,674
Especially Max.

172
00:07:17,676 --> 00:07:19,126
I'd never hear the end of it.

173
00:07:19,128 --> 00:07:20,093
Deal.

174
00:07:20,095 --> 00:07:21,094
Pinky swear?

175
00:07:21,096 --> 00:07:22,245
Actually, never mind.

176
00:07:22,247 --> 00:07:23,380
I don't know where
your fingers have been.

177
00:07:23,382 --> 00:07:27,050
I just told you where they've been.

178
00:07:33,994 --> 00:07:35,261
Max

179
00:07:35,381 --> 00:07:38,083
I'm so excited for this party.

180
00:07:38,085 --> 00:07:42,420
I wore my loose clothing
so I can dance all night.

181
00:07:42,422 --> 00:07:44,890
God, I cannot take this party pressure.

182
00:07:44,892 --> 00:07:45,924
I'm just going to go in the back

183
00:07:45,926 --> 00:07:48,510
and run a can opener across my wrist.

184
00:07:48,512 --> 00:07:51,012
Oh, Max. I'm sure you did a great job.

185
00:07:51,014 --> 00:07:53,515
You know, as long as you have a DJ,

186
00:07:53,517 --> 00:07:56,485
some champagne, and a psychic.

187
00:07:56,487 --> 00:07:59,304
No, no, and no.

188
00:07:59,306 --> 00:08:01,239
I got some balloons, a hummus tray,

189
00:08:01,241 --> 00:08:02,574
and possibly Earl.

190
00:08:02,576 --> 00:08:04,726
He still hasn't confirmed.

191
00:08:04,728 --> 00:08:05,810
Oh.

192
00:08:05,812 --> 00:08:07,245
You don't need psychic to know

193
00:08:07,247 --> 00:08:10,749
that this is going to be
a horrible, horrible party.

194
00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:13,034
Well, thank God
Caroline has new boy toy.

195
00:08:13,036 --> 00:08:14,986
She might not mind as much.

196
00:08:14,988 --> 00:08:16,538
What are you talking about?

197
00:08:16,540 --> 00:08:19,875
Yeah, I saw them kissing in
front of the diner last night.

198
00:08:19,877 --> 00:08:23,879
Yeah, I sat there
and watched for an hour.

199
00:08:23,999 --> 00:08:24,978
[Laughs]

200
00:08:25,098 --> 00:08:28,600
They were really going at it,
hot and heavy.

201
00:08:28,602 --> 00:08:32,888
You know, like the Showtime
network in the good old days.

202
00:08:32,890 --> 00:08:34,005
Oh, great.

203
00:08:34,007 --> 00:08:35,807
Now I have to invite him
to the party, too?

204
00:08:35,809 --> 00:08:38,026
I only got a six-pack of Capri Suns,

205
00:08:38,028 --> 00:08:40,395
so people are going to have to share.

206
00:08:40,397 --> 00:08:42,447
Congratulations, it's official.

207
00:08:42,449 --> 00:08:43,899
Our website is now live.

208
00:08:43,901 --> 00:08:45,784
Congratulations, it's official.

209
00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:48,820
You're a whore.

210
00:08:48,822 --> 00:08:52,374
I hear you got
your Kinko's card punched.

211
00:08:52,376 --> 00:08:53,658
What?

212
00:08:53,660 --> 00:08:54,793
Don't "what" me.

213
00:08:54,795 --> 00:08:57,546
I know you hooked up
with the webmaster.

214
00:08:57,548 --> 00:08:58,830
[Rings bell]
Pick up.

215
00:08:58,832 --> 00:09:01,032
Oleg, you told Max?

216
00:09:01,034 --> 00:09:03,051
What's happening?

217
00:09:03,053 --> 00:09:04,085
Our deal's off.

218
00:09:04,087 --> 00:09:06,588
Oleg had sex with Sophie last night.

219
00:09:06,590 --> 00:09:07,889
[Gasps]
No...

220
00:09:07,891 --> 00:09:11,476
It wasn't sex. Just hand stuff.

221
00:09:11,478 --> 00:09:13,261
Yeah, and nothing above the waist.

222
00:09:13,263 --> 00:09:16,648
I'm a lady.

223
00:09:16,650 --> 00:09:21,269
I got all hot and bothered
watching Caroline and big Han.

224
00:09:21,271 --> 00:09:24,773
Okay...

225
00:09:24,775 --> 00:09:27,642
You know, I really think
this is between Caroline and me.

226
00:09:27,644 --> 00:09:30,579
You mean between Caroline,
you, and your strippers.

227
00:09:30,581 --> 00:09:31,997
Strippers?

228
00:09:31,999 --> 00:09:34,332
I have seen this man in a strip club.

229
00:09:34,334 --> 00:09:36,918
Han, you were in a strip club?

230
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:40,088
Earl took me.

231
00:09:45,744 --> 00:09:46,628
Damn it, Han.

232
00:09:46,630 --> 00:09:47,796
You're going to sell me out

233
00:09:47,798 --> 00:09:51,766
after I spotted you $100 in ones.

234
00:09:51,768 --> 00:09:55,387
You went to Spreaders without me?

235
00:09:55,389 --> 00:09:58,306
Why would you take Han to a strip club?

236
00:09:58,308 --> 00:10:01,759
Yeah, is his lap even big enough for a dance?

237
00:10:01,761 --> 00:10:03,979
Earl, I'm so disappointed in you.

238
00:10:03,981 --> 00:10:06,481
That's it. I'm not going to your party.

239
00:10:06,483 --> 00:10:07,532
What party?

240
00:10:07,534 --> 00:10:08,783
Damn it, Earl!

241
00:10:08,785 --> 00:10:11,369
It's supposed to be
a surprise for her birthday.

242
00:10:11,371 --> 00:10:13,438
Who told you it was my birthday?

243
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:14,623
Han.

244
00:10:14,625 --> 00:10:16,157
Damn it, Han!

245
00:10:16,159 --> 00:10:17,876
I didn't want a party

246
00:10:17,878 --> 00:10:19,711
and I don't want to celebrate
my birthday this year.

247
00:10:19,713 --> 00:10:21,046
Well, too bad,

248
00:10:21,048 --> 00:10:23,999
because your BFF is throwing you
a big blow-out.

249
00:10:24,001 --> 00:10:26,501
Oh, Max. Now I feel bad.

250
00:10:26,503 --> 00:10:30,338
You feel bad now, wait till you see the party.

251
00:10:33,259 --> 00:10:37,095
Caroline's birthday. Woot, woot.

252
00:10:37,097 --> 00:10:40,398
Thanks, but you don't have
to say that after everything.

253
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:43,435
[Sighs]
Max...

254
00:10:43,437 --> 00:10:45,720
I know you had limited budget,

255
00:10:45,722 --> 00:10:47,906
but music is free.

256
00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:52,360
Yeah, well, I'm a douche.

257
00:10:52,362 --> 00:10:55,914
Speech!

258
00:10:55,916 --> 00:10:58,950
Speech!

259
00:10:58,952 --> 00:11:02,653
I can't carry this party much longer.

260
00:11:04,323 --> 00:11:05,823
Okay, I'd like to say something.

261
00:11:05,825 --> 00:11:06,875
Wait, wait.

262
00:11:06,877 --> 00:11:09,327
Can't we wait till we cut the cake?

263
00:11:09,329 --> 00:11:10,661
Cake?

264
00:11:10,663 --> 00:11:12,931
People are still doing that?

265
00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:17,435
Yes. Our livelihood depends on it.

266
00:11:17,437 --> 00:11:20,021
There's only one party as bad as this one.

267
00:11:20,023 --> 00:11:25,193
That's the Donner Party.

268
00:11:26,696 --> 00:11:31,800
And even they had better food.

269
00:11:31,802 --> 00:11:35,320
I'd like to say happy birthday
to a very pretty lady

270
00:11:35,322 --> 00:11:37,238
who I just had the pleasure of meeting,

271
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,924
and I think I'm going
to be seeing a lot more of her.

272
00:11:39,926 --> 00:11:41,292
Aw.

273
00:11:41,294 --> 00:11:43,361
I'll go get us some more drinks.

274
00:11:43,363 --> 00:11:44,695
Okay.

275
00:11:44,697 --> 00:11:47,382
Get rid of him.

276
00:11:47,384 --> 00:11:48,833
What?

277
00:11:48,835 --> 00:11:50,001
It was a one-time thing.

278
00:11:50,003 --> 00:11:52,053
I thought you weren't that kind of girl.

279
00:11:52,055 --> 00:11:53,704
I realized it had almost been a year

280
00:11:53,706 --> 00:11:55,306
since I had sex, and I decided

281
00:11:55,308 --> 00:11:57,592
I rather not be that kind of girl.

282
00:11:57,594 --> 00:11:58,843
But I don't want a relationship.

283
00:11:58,845 --> 00:12:00,729
Hey, I get it. Hit it and quit it.

284
00:12:00,731 --> 00:12:02,313
♪ hit it, don't babysit it ♪

285
00:12:02,315 --> 00:12:04,816
Max, please.

286
00:12:04,818 --> 00:12:05,767
Fine.

287
00:12:05,769 --> 00:12:06,818
How am I going to make him go away?

288
00:12:06,820 --> 00:12:07,936
It's not going to take a lot

289
00:12:07,938 --> 00:12:10,221
to convince someone
to leave this party.

290
00:12:10,223 --> 00:12:13,992
I'd like to ask everyone
to raise their cocktail,

291
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:14,943
but I can't.

292
00:12:14,945 --> 00:12:19,280
So raise your Capri to the sun...

293
00:12:21,066 --> 00:12:25,276
For a very special lady who I'm
sure I will be seeing more of.

294
00:12:32,344 --> 00:12:36,097
Get rid of him. It was a one-time thing.

295
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:40,518
So was that the worst party
you've ever been to?

296
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:43,921
That was the worst party
anyone's ever been to.

297
00:12:43,923 --> 00:12:47,758
So with the webmaster, how was the sex?

298
00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:49,527
Pretty good.

299
00:12:49,529 --> 00:12:50,695
But then he did that thing

300
00:12:50,697 --> 00:12:52,564
where he pretended
he was going to choke me.

301
00:12:52,566 --> 00:12:54,449
When did guys start doing that?

302
00:12:54,451 --> 00:12:55,400
I don't know,

303
00:12:55,402 --> 00:12:56,701
but if I knew that was his thing,

304
00:12:56,703 --> 00:12:58,603
I would've asked him
to choke me at the party.

305
00:12:58,605 --> 00:13:00,038
How did you get rid of him?

306
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,073
What did you say?
Did you let him down gently?

307
00:13:02,075 --> 00:13:04,159
No, I told him to hit the pike.

308
00:13:04,161 --> 00:13:06,244
It's a one-night stand. Guys get that.

309
00:13:06,246 --> 00:13:08,913
So that's it? He wasn't upset?

310
00:13:08,915 --> 00:13:10,999
Guys don't care.

311
00:13:11,001 --> 00:13:13,718
One-night stands-- they come, they go.

312
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:14,785
Literally.

313
00:13:14,787 --> 00:13:17,055
But what if he wants to see me again?

314
00:13:17,057 --> 00:13:18,089
Relax.

315
00:13:18,091 --> 00:13:19,557
It is not going
to come back to haunt you.

316
00:13:19,559 --> 00:13:21,509
Unless you start feeling an itch...

317
00:13:21,511 --> 00:13:23,394
Or a kick.

318
00:13:23,396 --> 00:13:24,896
Well, thanks for dumping him.

319
00:13:24,898 --> 00:13:26,097
And for the...

320
00:13:26,099 --> 00:13:29,017
I'm going to go ahead
and call it a party.

321
00:13:29,019 --> 00:13:30,819
I knew you wouldn't want me

322
00:13:30,821 --> 00:13:32,487
to use any of the cupcake money,

323
00:13:32,489 --> 00:13:33,655
and I was broke.

324
00:13:33,657 --> 00:13:35,657
So I guess I am your BFF--

325
00:13:35,659 --> 00:13:38,159
your broke friend forever.

326
00:13:38,161 --> 00:13:40,445
Max, it really doesn't matter
what you would've done.

327
00:13:40,447 --> 00:13:42,197
The only thing
I really wanted for my birthday

328
00:13:42,199 --> 00:13:43,581
was to see my father.

329
00:13:43,583 --> 00:13:46,651
And he's in prison,
so that didn't happen.

330
00:13:46,653 --> 00:13:49,921
I may not be a good BFF,

331
00:13:49,923 --> 00:13:51,206
I may not throw a great party,

332
00:13:51,208 --> 00:13:55,176
but I do know where
to find a free bus to prison.

333
00:13:55,178 --> 00:13:58,162
Hey, everybody.
We got a birthday girl onboard.

334
00:13:58,164 --> 00:14:01,266
Sit yo ass back down!

335
00:14:01,268 --> 00:14:04,686
See? Now we got a party.

336
00:14:12,761 --> 00:14:14,695
This is nice getting out of the city.

337
00:14:14,697 --> 00:14:16,981
Kind of reminds me
of the ride to the Hamptons.

338
00:14:16,983 --> 00:14:18,132
Yo.

339
00:14:18,134 --> 00:14:21,118
This your first time on the bangbus?

340
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:25,907
We call it the bangbus because
everybody here gonna get banged.

341
00:14:25,909 --> 00:14:27,942
And in addition 'cause we're on a bus.

342
00:14:27,944 --> 00:14:29,327
Hmm, makes sense.

343
00:14:29,329 --> 00:14:30,261
Hey, I'm Shonda.

344
00:14:30,263 --> 00:14:32,446
I'm Max. This is Caroline.

345
00:14:32,448 --> 00:14:35,616
So you're all going for,
like, conjugal visits?

346
00:14:35,618 --> 00:14:37,001
Pretty fancy term for getting

347
00:14:37,003 --> 00:14:39,453
shawshanked on a three-legged cot.

348
00:14:39,455 --> 00:14:41,839
Shawshanked. I like her.

349
00:14:41,841 --> 00:14:42,807
I like your hair.

350
00:14:42,809 --> 00:14:45,459
Did you just get back from Cancun?

351
00:14:45,461 --> 00:14:47,461
No, no.

352
00:14:47,463 --> 00:14:49,347
I saved up,
and I got these done for my man.

353
00:14:49,349 --> 00:14:50,348
He says they make me

354
00:14:50,350 --> 00:14:51,983
look like Alicia Keys meets Ed Norton

355
00:14:51,985 --> 00:14:53,901
in <i>American History X.</i>

356
00:14:53,903 --> 00:14:55,603
How sweet.

357
00:14:55,605 --> 00:14:57,405
Ah, yo. What's your man in for?

358
00:14:57,407 --> 00:15:00,775
My man's in for possession
of a sweet, sweet ass.

359
00:15:00,777 --> 00:15:03,444
He makes that joke every time.

360
00:15:03,446 --> 00:15:06,197
He's not my man, actually. He's my dad.

361
00:15:06,199 --> 00:15:07,448
Oh, so you're a freak.

362
00:15:07,450 --> 00:15:09,467
That's all right. I don't judge.

363
00:15:09,469 --> 00:15:12,920
You see a name tag
on me that says "Judy"?

364
00:15:12,922 --> 00:15:15,039
Oh, look. We just passed a Carvel.

365
00:15:15,041 --> 00:15:16,841
What's a Carvel?

366
00:15:16,843 --> 00:15:18,826
Carvel ice cream.

367
00:15:18,828 --> 00:15:20,511
You know,
Fudgie the Whale, Cookie Puss.

368
00:15:20,513 --> 00:15:22,430
Come on, how could you not know Carvel?

369
00:15:22,432 --> 00:15:23,681
They have them everywhere.

370
00:15:23,683 --> 00:15:24,665
Oh, wait.

371
00:15:24,667 --> 00:15:26,100
Is that that white trash ice cream?

372
00:15:26,102 --> 00:15:27,435
[Gasps]
How dare you!

373
00:15:27,437 --> 00:15:30,021
It is not white trash.

374
00:15:30,023 --> 00:15:31,472
And I wouldn't be so high and mighty.

375
00:15:31,474 --> 00:15:33,190
You're on a free bangbus to a prison.

376
00:15:33,192 --> 00:15:34,275
I'm sorry.

377
00:15:34,277 --> 00:15:35,526
I didn't realize you had such

378
00:15:35,528 --> 00:15:37,695
a strong emotional connection
to ice cream.

379
00:15:37,697 --> 00:15:42,149
Not to the ice cream. The ice cream cake.

380
00:15:42,151 --> 00:15:44,452
When I was ten, I asked my mom
for a birthday party.

381
00:15:44,454 --> 00:15:46,320
She said yes but then flaked out

382
00:15:46,322 --> 00:15:47,455
and forgot to call anyone.

383
00:15:47,457 --> 00:15:49,073
I'm starting to understand why

384
00:15:49,075 --> 00:15:50,875
you don't like birthday parties.

385
00:15:50,877 --> 00:15:52,827
So after I waited on the porch for an hour,

386
00:15:52,829 --> 00:15:54,712
I'll stole 20 bucks from her purse,

387
00:15:54,714 --> 00:15:55,863
thumbed it out to Carvel,

388
00:15:55,865 --> 00:15:57,665
and bought myself
a Fudgie the Whale cake.

389
00:15:57,667 --> 00:16:00,551
Ate the whole thing
with a pink plastic spoon,

390
00:16:00,553 --> 00:16:03,588
and it was way better than
any party ever could have been.

391
00:16:03,590 --> 00:16:04,822
I heard that.

392
00:16:04,824 --> 00:16:06,424
There ain't nothing better
than Fudgie the Whale.

393
00:16:06,426 --> 00:16:08,375
I love the chocolate crunchies.

394
00:16:08,377 --> 00:16:13,097
Bitch, everybody love
the damn chocolate crunchies!

395
00:16:16,318 --> 00:16:18,069
Hey, Shonda. Who are you here to see?

396
00:16:18,071 --> 00:16:20,237
Who's available?

397
00:16:20,239 --> 00:16:24,859
I'm just cracking wise.
You know I'm here to see Squirm.

398
00:16:24,861 --> 00:16:26,360
Search her.

399
00:16:26,362 --> 00:16:29,830
Damn. Is it my turn again?

400
00:16:29,832 --> 00:16:31,115
Next.

401
00:16:31,117 --> 00:16:33,567
We're not on that list. We didn't call ahead.

402
00:16:33,569 --> 00:16:35,069
Leave it to me.

403
00:16:35,071 --> 00:16:37,288
I've gotten into every club
I've ever wanted to get into.

404
00:16:37,290 --> 00:16:39,840
Hi. Caroline Channing plus one.

405
00:16:39,842 --> 00:16:41,792
I don't see you on the list.

406
00:16:41,794 --> 00:16:43,344
Really? That's weird.

407
00:16:43,346 --> 00:16:45,846
We should be on the list.
We're always on the list.

408
00:16:45,848 --> 00:16:47,214
Max, we're not on the list.

409
00:16:47,216 --> 00:16:51,218
We're not? I'm going to kill my assistant.

410
00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:52,937
Oh, I know.

411
00:16:52,939 --> 00:16:56,057
It might be under Deangelo Jefferson.

412
00:16:56,059 --> 00:16:58,192
Come on, girls. Don't waste my time.

413
00:16:58,194 --> 00:17:01,145
I'd like to see a manager.

414
00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:05,066
There's no manager.

415
00:17:05,068 --> 00:17:06,901
It's a prison.

416
00:17:06,903 --> 00:17:09,453
Well, then who runs this place?

417
00:17:09,455 --> 00:17:14,909
Well, the Aryan brotherhood
is getting pretty strong.

418
00:17:14,911 --> 00:17:17,128
This is such amateur hour.

419
00:17:17,130 --> 00:17:19,080
Give me 50 bucks for the door guy.

420
00:17:19,082 --> 00:17:21,132
Are you seriously trying to bribe

421
00:17:21,134 --> 00:17:24,885
an officer of the law
while inside a prison?

422
00:17:24,887 --> 00:17:26,971
That's a federal offense.

423
00:17:26,973 --> 00:17:28,122
Is it?

424
00:17:28,124 --> 00:17:31,759
Probably.

425
00:17:31,761 --> 00:17:34,095
Look, I should have you thrown
out for even suggesting it.

426
00:17:34,097 --> 00:17:35,730
We do not accept bribes.

427
00:17:35,732 --> 00:17:36,981
Okay, fine.

428
00:17:36,983 --> 00:17:39,233
I'll let you take
your sweet time searching me

429
00:17:39,235 --> 00:17:41,686
on the way in.

430
00:17:41,688 --> 00:17:43,904
These two are clear to go through.

431
00:17:43,906 --> 00:17:46,524
Max, you can't do that for me.

432
00:17:46,526 --> 00:17:48,776
It's really for me. It's been a while.

433
00:17:48,778 --> 00:17:51,946
Woot, woot.

434
00:17:52,998 --> 00:17:55,166
I'm so excited to see my father

435
00:17:55,168 --> 00:17:56,534
after all this time.

436
00:17:56,536 --> 00:17:58,002
How do I look?

437
00:17:58,004 --> 00:17:59,120
You look good. How do I look?

438
00:17:59,122 --> 00:18:02,156
Do I still have
that freshly felt-up glow?

439
00:18:02,158 --> 00:18:05,159
Well, that ginger over there
thinks you look good.

440
00:18:05,161 --> 00:18:06,994
He's full-on staring at you.

441
00:18:06,996 --> 00:18:08,929
Well, I should hope so.

442
00:18:08,931 --> 00:18:10,715
If you can't get a dude
in prison to check you out,

443
00:18:10,717 --> 00:18:12,600
it's time for a makeover.

444
00:18:12,602 --> 00:18:17,238
No, he's looking
and nodding like he knows you.

445
00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:22,526
Never seen him before in my life.

446
00:18:22,528 --> 00:18:23,644
Max?

447
00:18:23,646 --> 00:18:25,679
Max Black?

448
00:18:25,681 --> 00:18:27,698
It's me, Irish.

449
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:29,867
I don't know, dude.
I think you got the wrong girl.

450
00:18:29,869 --> 00:18:32,119
Max, I could never forget that face.

451
00:18:32,121 --> 00:18:36,207
Trust me, you've never seen me before.

452
00:18:36,209 --> 00:18:37,992
Oh, damn!

453
00:18:37,994 --> 00:18:39,577
Oh, my God!

454
00:18:39,579 --> 00:18:41,245
That's you.

455
00:18:41,247 --> 00:18:42,880
So you do remember.

456
00:18:42,882 --> 00:18:44,381
Of course.

457
00:18:44,383 --> 00:18:47,384
Get rid of him.
It was a one-night stand.

458
00:18:47,386 --> 00:18:49,369
See, they do come back to haunt you.

459
00:18:49,371 --> 00:18:50,421
Shirt on.

460
00:18:50,423 --> 00:18:52,423
Max, can you believe it?

461
00:18:52,425 --> 00:18:54,175
Of all the prisons in all the world,

462
00:18:54,177 --> 00:18:55,426
you walked into mine.

463
00:18:55,428 --> 00:18:56,543
It's kismet.

464
00:18:56,545 --> 00:18:59,597
I got rid of yours. You get rid of mine.

465
00:18:59,599 --> 00:19:02,549
Listen, Irish. It was a one-time thing.

466
00:19:02,551 --> 00:19:04,268
You're a guy. You get that.

467
00:19:04,270 --> 00:19:06,270
How could you say it's a one-time thing?

468
00:19:06,272 --> 00:19:07,438
I love you.

469
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:11,058
I blew up that chipotle for you.

470
00:19:11,060 --> 00:19:13,077
Listen, I appreciate the ink,

471
00:19:13,079 --> 00:19:14,862
but I don't really believe in love,

472
00:19:14,864 --> 00:19:15,896
and truth be told,

473
00:19:15,898 --> 00:19:18,332
I'm not even a fan of Mexican food.

474
00:19:18,334 --> 00:19:20,534
Caroline Channing. This table.

475
00:19:20,536 --> 00:19:22,402
Max, we have to go. My dad's coming.

476
00:19:22,404 --> 00:19:24,071
Okay. Nice to see you, Irish.

477
00:19:24,073 --> 00:19:25,790
Your body looks sick.

478
00:19:25,792 --> 00:19:27,007
Max, hold on.

479
00:19:27,009 --> 00:19:28,175
I'm not going to tell you again to back up.

480
00:19:28,177 --> 00:19:29,760
Max, I'm not going to lose you twice.

481
00:19:29,762 --> 00:19:31,011
I said, back up!

482
00:19:31,013 --> 00:19:32,129
Don't tell me to back up.

483
00:19:32,131 --> 00:19:33,597
That's the love of my life.

484
00:19:33,599 --> 00:19:35,749
Come on, dude. Hit the pike.

485
00:19:35,751 --> 00:19:37,134
Calm down.

486
00:19:37,081 --> 00:19:38,322
Don't tell me to calm down!

487
00:19:38,965 --> 00:19:40,521
[Alarm sounds]

488
00:19:42,757 --> 00:19:44,859
Visiting hours are over! Everybody out!

489
00:19:44,861 --> 00:19:46,110
No, no, no, wait! I can't leave.

490
00:19:46,112 --> 00:19:48,729
Damn!

491
00:19:48,731 --> 00:19:50,264
Oh, wait. There's my father.

492
00:19:50,266 --> 00:19:51,699
I can see him, he's just coming in.

493
00:19:51,701 --> 00:19:53,784
Oh, daddy. Daddy...
Hi!

494
00:19:55,487 --> 00:19:57,655
Well, thank you very much, ladies.

495
00:19:57,657 --> 00:20:00,941
My man was barely in
when I got pulled out.

496
00:20:00,943 --> 00:20:04,628
I would like to apologize to everyone

497
00:20:04,630 --> 00:20:07,281
for taking the bang out of the bus,

498
00:20:07,283 --> 00:20:09,166
but in my own defense,

499
00:20:09,168 --> 00:20:12,452
everyone here knows a little
something about crazy guys.

500
00:20:12,454 --> 00:20:14,972
Sit yo ass back down!

501
00:20:14,974 --> 00:20:17,508
Max, sit down before you start another riot.

502
00:20:17,510 --> 00:20:19,126
I'm sorry. I blew it.

503
00:20:19,128 --> 00:20:20,928
I screwed up your chance
to see your father.

504
00:20:20,930 --> 00:20:22,179
I screwed up your party.

505
00:20:22,181 --> 00:20:24,798
I even screwed up the
easiest birthday thing to do,

506
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,150
like get a cake.

507
00:20:26,152 --> 00:20:27,968
I'm a terrible BFF.

508
00:20:27,970 --> 00:20:29,186
It's okay.

509
00:20:29,188 --> 00:20:30,938
Really, it's fine.

510
00:20:30,940 --> 00:20:32,306
With the year I'm having,

511
00:20:32,308 --> 00:20:33,607
it's not like you could've
made everything better

512
00:20:33,609 --> 00:20:35,359
just by getting me a cake.

513
00:20:35,361 --> 00:20:39,213
Well, no. Not just any cake.

514
00:20:42,751 --> 00:20:44,651
Just as good as I remember it.

515
00:20:44,653 --> 00:20:47,338
Best 40 bucks we ever spent.

516
00:20:47,340 --> 00:20:49,540
And this birthday turned out
to be all right.

517
00:20:49,542 --> 00:20:50,875
I did get what I wanted.

518
00:20:50,877 --> 00:20:51,959
I got see my father.

519
00:20:51,961 --> 00:20:54,828
It was only for a second,
but I saw him.

520
00:20:54,830 --> 00:20:57,214
And he saw me. So thank you.

521
00:20:57,216 --> 00:21:00,434
Yeah, and I got to see Irish.

522
00:21:00,436 --> 00:21:03,003
Think he might be
the one that got away.

523
00:21:03,005 --> 00:21:05,105
Well, the one that got put away.

524
00:21:05,107 --> 00:21:07,358
You know, you and I are better than BFFs.

525
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,059
We're BBFs.

526
00:21:09,061 --> 00:21:12,863
Bangbus friends.

527
00:21:12,983 --> 00:21:15,045
Sync and corrections by Gatto
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