1
00:00:02,528 --> 00:00:04,246
Max.
Do you have any gum?
2
00:00:04,248 --> 00:00:07,332
My breath tastes
like someone else's breath.
3
00:00:07,334 --> 00:00:10,034
You're asking me
if I have any gum?
4
00:00:10,036 --> 00:00:13,555
That's like asking New Jersey
if it has any sluts.
5
00:00:13,557 --> 00:00:15,924
Great. There were onions
in my street meat.
6
00:00:15,926 --> 00:00:18,393
Listen to me.
"Onions in my street meat."
7
00:00:18,395 --> 00:00:21,379
Last year, I was taking meetings
on wall street.
8
00:00:21,381 --> 00:00:25,650
This year, I'm eating meat
from the street by a wall.
9
00:00:25,652 --> 00:00:30,221
Let's see.
Phone, chapstick.
10
00:00:30,223 --> 00:00:33,391
A pill! Could be birth control,
could be ecstasy.
11
00:00:33,393 --> 00:00:36,394
Waiting for a day off
to find out.
12
00:00:36,396 --> 00:00:39,531
Why wait?
13
00:00:39,533 --> 00:00:41,733
If I start touching your hair
in an hour,
14
00:00:41,735 --> 00:00:45,287
don't let me have sex
with anyone.
15
00:00:46,172 --> 00:00:48,406
Max!
16
00:00:48,408 --> 00:00:49,758
Max, what's this?
17
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:51,760
It's addressed
to Max's homemade cupcakes.
18
00:00:51,762 --> 00:00:53,094
Really? I thought
that was just a thing
19
00:00:53,096 --> 00:00:55,580
I wrote
the new pizza place info on.
20
00:00:55,582 --> 00:00:58,933
It's a $200 check
from that office party we did.
21
00:00:58,935 --> 00:01:02,020
Max's homemade cupcakes
in type!
22
00:01:02,022 --> 00:01:04,422
No way, I've never been
typed out before!
23
00:01:04,424 --> 00:01:07,559
I've been cash, I've sweaty 20s
pushed into my palm,
24
00:01:07,561 --> 00:01:09,978
but I've never been typed!
25
00:01:09,980 --> 00:01:11,929
We's all grown up!
We's legit!
26
00:01:11,931 --> 00:01:16,234
Listen up, diner!
I just hit the big time.
27
00:01:16,236 --> 00:01:18,453
No more serving up slop
to you lowlifes.
28
00:01:18,455 --> 00:01:22,607
So everybody can suck it!
My waitress days are over.
29
00:01:22,609 --> 00:01:23,958
Can I get some more coffee?
30
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,277
Sure.
31
00:01:26,279 --> 00:01:28,663
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
32
00:01:28,665 --> 00:01:30,181
[Cash register bell dings]
33
00:01:30,183 --> 00:01:40,479
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
34
00:01:43,175 --> 00:01:44,959
Earl, what are you doing?
35
00:01:44,961 --> 00:01:47,679
Employees are not allowed
to drink diner liquor.
36
00:01:47,681 --> 00:01:49,630
Now, hold up, Han.
It's April 16th.
37
00:01:49,632 --> 00:01:51,850
Do you know what day
tomorrow is?
38
00:01:51,852 --> 00:01:56,404
Oh, of course.
Happy Martin Luther King day.
39
00:01:56,406 --> 00:01:58,306
Enjoy a drink on me.
40
00:01:58,308 --> 00:01:59,991
It's not
Martin Luther King day.
41
00:01:59,993 --> 00:02:01,242
Black people are allowed
42
00:02:01,244 --> 00:02:03,528
to be excited about
other days too, you know.
43
00:02:03,530 --> 00:02:07,799
Is there a new Tyler Perry
movie coming out?
44
00:02:09,919 --> 00:02:12,487
No, Kim Jong Il.
45
00:02:12,489 --> 00:02:14,038
It's tax day.
46
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:17,325
And I always treat myself
to a Brandy when I do my taxes
47
00:02:17,327 --> 00:02:20,428
because I need to be drunk
when I see that refund amount.
48
00:02:20,430 --> 00:02:22,514
[Bell rings]
49
00:02:22,516 --> 00:02:25,333
Chicken breast,
side of hot sauce.
50
00:02:25,335 --> 00:02:27,936
Breast? Hot sauce?
Come on, it's right there.
51
00:02:27,938 --> 00:02:30,889
Max, now that I have
big love for Sophie,
52
00:02:30,891 --> 00:02:34,726
I no longer say inappropriate
sexual things to other women.
53
00:02:34,728 --> 00:02:39,030
I save all my hot sauce
for her breasts.
54
00:02:39,032 --> 00:02:42,484
Love has made you
a real old lady.
55
00:02:42,486 --> 00:02:44,569
Here you go, Brandy man.
Enjoy.
56
00:02:44,571 --> 00:02:46,037
Max, you got a stamp?
57
00:02:46,039 --> 00:02:47,789
I wanna drop this off
in the mail on my way home.
58
00:02:47,791 --> 00:02:48,907
I have one in my purse.
I'll just get it.
59
00:02:48,909 --> 00:02:51,126
Max, he wants to file
this year.
60
00:02:51,128 --> 00:02:52,544
He doesn't have time
for the search party
61
00:02:52,546 --> 00:02:55,029
to go into your purse
and return.
62
00:02:55,031 --> 00:02:57,198
Hey, it's a purse.
It's supposed to be messy.
63
00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,200
No, it's supposed
to be a purse,
64
00:02:59,202 --> 00:03:01,469
not a retirement home
for a pair of panties
65
00:03:01,471 --> 00:03:04,672
stuck to old lifesavers.
66
00:03:04,674 --> 00:03:08,560
I'm kinda off my meal now.
67
00:03:08,562 --> 00:03:11,229
I have a stamp
right here, Earl.
68
00:03:11,231 --> 00:03:14,149
There, see?
Order versus chaos.
69
00:03:14,151 --> 00:03:17,352
Also known as OCD versus
70
00:03:17,354 --> 00:03:21,689
"Oh, here's a CD
I forgot I had."
71
00:03:21,691 --> 00:03:24,609
Would you prefer a flower,
flag, or a love stamp?
72
00:03:24,611 --> 00:03:27,028
Ladies, I don't care which,
I just wanna get these taxes
73
00:03:27,030 --> 00:03:28,496
in the mail
before the deadline.
74
00:03:28,498 --> 00:03:31,566
- Earl, you do your own taxes?
- I surely do.
75
00:03:31,568 --> 00:03:34,419
Proud to say I haven't
missed a year since 1950
76
00:03:34,421 --> 00:03:38,456
when I had my first job
as Frank Sinatra's ball boy.
77
00:03:38,458 --> 00:03:41,075
Ball boy?
Was he a good tennis player?
78
00:03:41,077 --> 00:03:43,127
No, darling,
he didn't play tennis.
79
00:03:43,129 --> 00:03:47,415
The job was washing his balls.
80
00:03:47,417 --> 00:03:51,019
And that was good work
for those times.
81
00:03:51,021 --> 00:03:52,387
Do you mind
if I look over your 1040
82
00:03:52,389 --> 00:03:54,255
to see if I can increase
your return?
83
00:03:54,257 --> 00:03:57,925
Do you, Wharton, do you.
84
00:03:57,927 --> 00:04:00,278
Well, at first glance,
I see you short-changed yourself
85
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,696
on some deductions.
86
00:04:01,698 --> 00:04:03,198
There's 500 right there.
87
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,600
Why don't you sign this now,
and I'll save you what I can
88
00:04:05,602 --> 00:04:07,569
and then drop it in the mail
tomorrow?
89
00:04:07,571 --> 00:04:09,070
Max, look at this.
90
00:04:09,072 --> 00:04:12,156
Blonde ambition here
just saved me $500.
91
00:04:12,158 --> 00:04:13,774
Really? That's pretty cool.
92
00:04:13,776 --> 00:04:15,443
Oh! There's another 100.
93
00:04:15,445 --> 00:04:18,162
- No way, that's awesome.
- Ding, ding, ding.
94
00:04:18,164 --> 00:04:19,714
It's like I won the slots
without being surrounded
95
00:04:19,716 --> 00:04:23,835
by those pissed off ladies
with emphysema.
96
00:04:25,170 --> 00:04:26,454
How could you not know
97
00:04:26,456 --> 00:04:27,889
there was a cupcake check
in your purse?
98
00:04:27,891 --> 00:04:29,090
It just got mixed in.
99
00:04:29,092 --> 00:04:30,892
And anyway, who still sends
important stuff
100
00:04:30,894 --> 00:04:32,393
through the mail these days?
101
00:04:32,395 --> 00:04:34,596
What are we, pioneers?
102
00:04:34,598 --> 00:04:36,064
No, we're businesswomen,
103
00:04:36,066 --> 00:04:37,899
and we need to keep track
of every penny.
104
00:04:37,901 --> 00:04:40,435
Hey, should we frame it
and hang it on the wall?
105
00:04:40,437 --> 00:04:42,320
That way when we're
two billionaire bitches
106
00:04:42,322 --> 00:04:43,521
who hate each other's guts,
107
00:04:43,523 --> 00:04:46,391
we can look at the check
and remember.
108
00:04:46,393 --> 00:04:48,826
Max, I'll never hate your guts.
109
00:04:48,828 --> 00:04:50,245
You don't know.
110
00:04:50,247 --> 00:04:51,479
Business pressure,
111
00:04:51,481 --> 00:04:53,248
you caught me sleeping
with your husband,
112
00:04:53,250 --> 00:04:54,949
anger about your bad facelift.
113
00:04:54,951 --> 00:04:57,669
Oh, honey, I will never
have a bad facelift.
114
00:04:57,671 --> 00:05:00,154
I've been collecting names
of good doctors since I was 11,
115
00:05:00,156 --> 00:05:02,423
and I was terrified
by my piano teacher
116
00:05:02,425 --> 00:05:05,793
whose nose was suddenly here.
117
00:05:05,795 --> 00:05:08,546
That's pretty cool of you
to do Earl's taxes for him.
118
00:05:08,548 --> 00:05:09,764
I'm happy to.
119
00:05:09,766 --> 00:05:11,849
After all, finance is my field
of expertise.
120
00:05:11,851 --> 00:05:15,169
Yeah, pretty cool.
You know, all that stuff.
121
00:05:15,171 --> 00:05:18,389
Helpful hints and whatnot.
122
00:05:18,391 --> 00:05:19,941
Cripes! What more
do I have to do,
123
00:05:19,943 --> 00:05:23,861
Rouge my boobs and stand in a
storefront window in Amsterdam?
124
00:05:23,863 --> 00:05:25,613
Are you gonna help me
with my taxes or not?
125
00:05:25,615 --> 00:05:28,199
Max, I don't know
if it's a good idea.
126
00:05:28,201 --> 00:05:30,652
I've seen your purse.
I can only imagine your taxes.
127
00:05:30,654 --> 00:05:33,905
Can you let go of the purse?
It's just a messy bag.
128
00:05:33,907 --> 00:05:36,524
It's not like I lost your child
in the outback.
129
00:05:36,526 --> 00:05:39,026
It's symptomatic.
Here, look at my purse.
130
00:05:39,028 --> 00:05:40,912
You know what, never mind.
131
00:05:40,914 --> 00:05:43,081
It's too late
for a purse smackdown.
132
00:05:43,083 --> 00:05:45,083
But for the record,
even if you win now,
133
00:05:45,085 --> 00:05:47,635
my purse will kick
your purse's ass.
134
00:05:47,637 --> 00:05:52,173
Later, after it spent two weeks
learning your purse's schedule.
135
00:05:52,175 --> 00:05:55,810
Organized, clean, perfect.
Look.
136
00:05:55,812 --> 00:05:57,178
Just look at it.
137
00:05:57,180 --> 00:05:58,813
Look at it, Max.
It won't bite.
138
00:05:58,815 --> 00:06:02,200
Who are you,
my mother's third boyfriend?
139
00:06:03,235 --> 00:06:05,886
And truthfully,
before I saw that check,
140
00:06:05,888 --> 00:06:07,488
I wasn't even going to file.
141
00:06:07,490 --> 00:06:08,823
But now that our business
is getting real,
142
00:06:08,825 --> 00:06:11,559
maybe I should start getting
real about my finances.
143
00:06:11,561 --> 00:06:13,828
I mean, when we are
two billionaire bitches,
144
00:06:13,830 --> 00:06:15,613
I don't want the government
to swoop in
145
00:06:15,615 --> 00:06:17,782
and Wesley snipe us
for back taxes.
146
00:06:17,784 --> 00:06:20,335
Okay, great.
We'll do it tomorrow.
147
00:06:20,337 --> 00:06:23,070
And I promise, no more
purse slams starting now.
148
00:06:23,072 --> 00:06:24,172
[Knock at door]
149
00:06:24,174 --> 00:06:25,540
Who is that?
150
00:06:25,542 --> 00:06:30,178
CNN. They found a 34th Chilean
miner in your purse.
151
00:06:30,180 --> 00:06:34,882
Okay, okay!
Starting now.
152
00:06:34,884 --> 00:06:39,437
- Who is it?
- [Singsong] Kim Kardashian.
153
00:06:40,356 --> 00:06:43,691
[Giggling] No.
I'm not Kim Kardashian.
154
00:06:43,693 --> 00:06:47,228
No, I work for a living.
155
00:06:48,764 --> 00:06:52,700
[Wild cheers and applause]
156
00:06:52,702 --> 00:06:55,536
Hey, Sophie, you come down
for your cupcake nightcap?
157
00:06:55,538 --> 00:06:57,238
Yeah, thank you, Max.
158
00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:59,323
But tonight
I'm going to take two.
159
00:06:59,325 --> 00:07:00,742
'Cause I'm getting
ready to date
160
00:07:00,744 --> 00:07:04,245
and I wanna get back
to my fighting weight.
161
00:07:04,247 --> 00:07:05,496
Sophie, what do you mean
162
00:07:05,498 --> 00:07:07,248
you're getting ready
to date again?
163
00:07:07,250 --> 00:07:09,500
Oh, well, there's
some really cute new guys
164
00:07:09,502 --> 00:07:10,918
down at the Polish club.
165
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,254
And--oh, my gosh,
one in particular
166
00:07:13,256 --> 00:07:18,142
is like a cross between
Vin Diesel and Viggo Mortensen.
167
00:07:18,144 --> 00:07:20,178
Yeah, so rich and handsome
168
00:07:20,180 --> 00:07:23,314
you almost don't notice
the wheelchair.
169
00:07:23,316 --> 00:07:26,967
Hard to resist a man in
New York who's got his own ride.
170
00:07:26,969 --> 00:07:28,803
I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry.
171
00:07:28,805 --> 00:07:31,155
Oh, then don't.
172
00:07:31,157 --> 00:07:33,324
It's just what about
you and Oleg?
173
00:07:33,326 --> 00:07:36,077
He thinks you two are a couple.
174
00:07:36,079 --> 00:07:38,362
A couple?
175
00:07:38,364 --> 00:07:41,482
No, this is crazy talk.
176
00:07:41,484 --> 00:07:43,534
I mean, yes, we have had
some hot, dirty sex
177
00:07:43,536 --> 00:07:46,003
in a few kitchens
and toilets, and...
178
00:07:46,005 --> 00:07:48,823
On the floor of a sandwich
shop in the subway.
179
00:07:48,825 --> 00:07:52,427
Plus twice we did it like dogs
on the hallway stairs
180
00:07:52,429 --> 00:07:54,879
and on every smooth surface
in my apartment.
181
00:07:54,881 --> 00:07:56,881
But I mean, come on.
I mean, that's it.
182
00:07:56,883 --> 00:07:58,933
I'm a lady.
183
00:07:58,935 --> 00:08:02,937
Sophie, I can't believe
I'm about to say this,
184
00:08:02,939 --> 00:08:05,106
but for Oleg,
it's not just about sex.
185
00:08:05,108 --> 00:08:06,641
He feels things for you.
186
00:08:06,643 --> 00:08:09,026
I know for a fact
he's buying you a special gift.
187
00:08:09,028 --> 00:08:10,561
Tell her, Max.
188
00:08:10,563 --> 00:08:12,280
Well, he mentioned
something about a fur,
189
00:08:12,282 --> 00:08:13,981
and tonight
when he was talking about you
190
00:08:13,983 --> 00:08:15,850
he did use the word "love."
191
00:08:15,852 --> 00:08:18,569
Love?
192
00:08:18,571 --> 00:08:22,323
Come on, don't ruin
my cupcake buzz.
193
00:08:22,325 --> 00:08:24,742
I mean, this man has no future.
194
00:08:24,744 --> 00:08:27,295
Of course, he does have
a giant penis.
195
00:08:27,297 --> 00:08:29,864
But no future.
196
00:08:29,866 --> 00:08:31,699
I mean, I've worked hard
to get where I am.
197
00:08:31,701 --> 00:08:34,168
I need a man who has a dream
and a drive.
198
00:08:34,170 --> 00:08:39,307
And I can buy a big giant
penis online for $47.
199
00:08:39,309 --> 00:08:43,144
Really?
Add to cart.
200
00:08:43,146 --> 00:08:44,545
Well, then you have to tell him
201
00:08:44,547 --> 00:08:46,564
you're not interested
in going any further.
202
00:08:46,566 --> 00:08:49,484
Oh, all right, don't worry.
I will.
203
00:08:49,486 --> 00:08:51,352
Yeah, I mean,
I need this man in my life
204
00:08:51,354 --> 00:08:53,237
like I need breast implants.
205
00:08:53,239 --> 00:08:56,741
Which is like...
Not at all, right?
206
00:09:04,254 --> 00:09:06,955
Here's another W-2,
H&R blonde.
207
00:09:06,957 --> 00:09:08,790
Thank you.
208
00:09:08,792 --> 00:09:10,976
Max, you worked
at a Mexican restaurant
209
00:09:10,978 --> 00:09:12,344
in long island city?
210
00:09:12,346 --> 00:09:15,397
[Latina accent] Oh, my God,
don't be so judgmental.
211
00:09:15,399 --> 00:09:16,899
Mira, look!
212
00:09:16,901 --> 00:09:19,435
I just found a receipt for shoe
insoles and double-stick tape.
213
00:09:19,437 --> 00:09:20,969
Work expense.
214
00:09:20,971 --> 00:09:22,804
Again, senorita,
not a write-off.
215
00:09:22,806 --> 00:09:25,307
Like when you asked if you could
claim your pot dealer
216
00:09:25,309 --> 00:09:26,942
as an entertainment expense.
217
00:09:26,944 --> 00:09:30,446
So I was wrong.
We've all got our talents.
218
00:09:30,448 --> 00:09:31,813
You're great
at doing paperwork,
219
00:09:31,815 --> 00:09:32,981
and I'm great at baking
220
00:09:32,983 --> 00:09:35,751
and finding places to have sex
at carnivals.
221
00:09:35,753 --> 00:09:37,419
Just add that to the pile
I'm calling
222
00:09:37,421 --> 00:09:39,654
"evidence
for your future audit."
223
00:09:39,656 --> 00:09:42,291
Not there,
that's Earl's tax return.
224
00:09:42,293 --> 00:09:44,927
Can I see a copy
of what you filed last year?
225
00:09:44,929 --> 00:09:46,929
Ugh...I didn't file
last year.
226
00:09:46,931 --> 00:09:49,131
Or the year before
or any year ever.
227
00:09:49,133 --> 00:09:51,717
Wait, you've never paid
your taxes?
228
00:09:51,719 --> 00:09:53,819
No, I've never filed my taxes.
229
00:09:53,821 --> 00:09:56,004
I've paid taxes.
I see it on my check.
230
00:09:56,006 --> 00:09:59,641
$8 to the state,
15 in federal income,
231
00:09:59,643 --> 00:10:03,228
6.23 to Fica,
whoever that lucky bitch is.
232
00:10:03,230 --> 00:10:06,348
Max, why didn't you tell me
the severity of this last night?
233
00:10:06,350 --> 00:10:09,401
Um, maybe you haven't noticed,
but I have issues around money.
234
00:10:09,403 --> 00:10:11,870
Every year,
I say I'm going to file,
235
00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:13,989
and then I put it off
and put it off
236
00:10:13,991 --> 00:10:15,741
until the day it's due,
like today,
237
00:10:15,743 --> 00:10:18,160
and then I sit down
with a 1040 and my W-2s,
238
00:10:18,162 --> 00:10:19,545
and right around
the fourth question,
239
00:10:19,547 --> 00:10:21,046
I'm like, screw it!
240
00:10:21,048 --> 00:10:23,599
I'm gonna watch old soul train
clips on YouTube before work.
241
00:10:23,601 --> 00:10:26,585
And then I feel like a loser
until tax day is over.
242
00:10:26,587 --> 00:10:28,387
And then I'm like,
who cares? I'm awesome.
243
00:10:28,389 --> 00:10:29,972
I'll do them next year.
244
00:10:29,974 --> 00:10:32,391
So what you're telling me
245
00:10:32,393 --> 00:10:35,043
is your finances are as messy
as your purse.
246
00:10:35,045 --> 00:10:37,379
Careful now!
247
00:10:37,381 --> 00:10:39,148
Starting to get a little hot
up in here.
248
00:10:39,150 --> 00:10:40,733
Fine, I don't care.
249
00:10:40,735 --> 00:10:42,551
I just want you
to get your taxes done.
250
00:10:42,553 --> 00:10:44,570
Now throw away
all of your useless garbage
251
00:10:44,572 --> 00:10:46,071
into this trash can.
252
00:10:46,073 --> 00:10:49,224
You know what, I'm just gonna
go to that pop-up tax place
253
00:10:49,226 --> 00:10:50,859
near the diner.
254
00:10:50,861 --> 00:10:53,412
And I'll throw my "useless
garbage" in the dumpster
255
00:10:53,414 --> 00:10:54,863
on the way out.
256
00:10:54,865 --> 00:10:56,231
Wait, you're gonna spend
like $100
257
00:10:56,233 --> 00:10:58,200
to have someone do your taxes
258
00:10:58,202 --> 00:10:59,418
when I'm sitting right here.
259
00:10:59,420 --> 00:11:01,420
The amount of money
I'll spend down there
260
00:11:01,422 --> 00:11:03,088
is nothing compared
to the amount of money
261
00:11:03,090 --> 00:11:05,707
I'd have to spend on weed
to survive doing taxes with you.
262
00:11:05,709 --> 00:11:08,594
[Knock at door]
263
00:11:08,596 --> 00:11:10,846
- Good afternoon, girls.
- Hello.
264
00:11:10,848 --> 00:11:13,081
I hope Sophie and I's
wild lovemaking
265
00:11:13,083 --> 00:11:15,801
didn't keep you up all night.
266
00:11:15,803 --> 00:11:17,136
We wanted to come down
267
00:11:17,138 --> 00:11:19,888
and show you the gift
I just gave Sophie.
268
00:11:19,890 --> 00:11:23,142
Yeah, look, girls.
Look at my gift.
269
00:11:23,144 --> 00:11:26,361
It's got a leg.
270
00:11:26,363 --> 00:11:28,897
Wow, I didn't think you two
were the couple type.
271
00:11:28,899 --> 00:11:30,399
We are going into Manhattan
272
00:11:30,401 --> 00:11:32,100
for fruit cocktail
and champagne.
273
00:11:32,102 --> 00:11:33,935
- Want to join?
- Hell, yeah!
274
00:11:33,937 --> 00:11:36,238
No, Max,
you're doing your taxes.
275
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:37,956
Oh. My mother says
I can't come out.
276
00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:41,043
Have fun.
277
00:11:42,662 --> 00:11:45,130
This means nothing!
278
00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:50,419
I can't believe you're putting
your financial future
279
00:11:50,421 --> 00:11:52,421
into the hands of a hipster
tax place
280
00:11:52,423 --> 00:11:54,423
called "The Tax of Life."
281
00:11:54,425 --> 00:11:56,475
You know
how the old proverb goes.
282
00:11:56,477 --> 00:11:58,177
"You take the good,
you take the bad.
283
00:11:58,179 --> 00:12:02,147
You take what's left, and there
you have the tax of life."
284
00:12:03,349 --> 00:12:06,485
43! Number 43.
285
00:12:06,487 --> 00:12:08,403
And remember,
if you need any help,
286
00:12:08,405 --> 00:12:09,822
I'm acquainted
with your finances.
287
00:12:09,824 --> 00:12:11,857
And I'm acquainted
with your attitude.
288
00:12:11,859 --> 00:12:14,092
Don't say a word.
289
00:12:14,094 --> 00:12:16,195
- I'm 43.
- 'Sup, 43?
290
00:12:16,197 --> 00:12:19,114
I'm Kyle.
I'm your tax bro.
291
00:12:19,116 --> 00:12:22,534
Hi, I'm Max and this is
my mute friend Caroline.
292
00:12:22,536 --> 00:12:24,819
I already started
to fill out the 1040
293
00:12:24,821 --> 00:12:26,488
and I have my W-2s
from this year.
294
00:12:26,490 --> 00:12:27,822
Also some receipts.
295
00:12:27,824 --> 00:12:30,792
Well, let's get started!
296
00:12:30,794 --> 00:12:32,928
Do you have a health savings
account?
297
00:12:32,930 --> 00:12:36,348
- Definitely not.
- Oh, well, we can fudge that.
298
00:12:36,350 --> 00:12:39,852
- I'll put you down for 500.
- Sounds good.
299
00:12:39,854 --> 00:12:41,687
Fudge that? Fudge?
300
00:12:41,689 --> 00:12:43,522
I wasn't aware
there was fudging in finance.
301
00:12:43,524 --> 00:12:46,391
Domestic production activities.
302
00:12:46,393 --> 00:12:50,512
- Like condoms and stuff?
- I guess.
303
00:12:50,514 --> 00:12:53,565
Talk about adjusted
gross income, am I right?
304
00:12:53,567 --> 00:12:55,150
[Laughing] Am I right?
305
00:12:55,152 --> 00:12:57,286
Kyle, put me down for 250.
306
00:12:57,288 --> 00:12:58,620
250.
307
00:12:58,622 --> 00:13:01,823
Should I just put the cheese
plate out for the IRS now?
308
00:13:01,825 --> 00:13:04,326
What about residential
energy credits?
309
00:13:04,328 --> 00:13:06,578
I bought some of those
curly light bulbs once.
310
00:13:06,580 --> 00:13:09,631
Oh, that's another 150 easily.
311
00:13:09,633 --> 00:13:12,033
Sorry, Max,
I can't stop myself.
312
00:13:12,035 --> 00:13:13,969
Money, finances--
this is my thing.
313
00:13:13,971 --> 00:13:15,837
If we were at a copper-plated
jewelry sale,
314
00:13:15,839 --> 00:13:17,389
I'd let you take the wheel.
315
00:13:17,391 --> 00:13:20,809
I can't sit back and watch you
risk our financial future.
316
00:13:20,811 --> 00:13:23,545
You'll be dragging me into this
with you and your tax bro.
317
00:13:23,547 --> 00:13:26,214
Excuse me, tax bro.
318
00:13:26,216 --> 00:13:29,401
Oh, my God, you wanna claim
a residential energy credit?
319
00:13:29,403 --> 00:13:32,688
You don't even have a 5695
up here.
320
00:13:32,690 --> 00:13:36,891
Hey, your mute friend's
all over this.
321
00:13:36,893 --> 00:13:38,577
You should let her
do your taxes.
322
00:13:38,579 --> 00:13:40,412
She's way better.
323
00:13:40,414 --> 00:13:42,698
No, that's cool, Kyle.
I'm not gonna do this.
324
00:13:42,700 --> 00:13:43,699
One more year won't kill me.
325
00:13:43,701 --> 00:13:45,667
I'll just
spend this money on pot.
326
00:13:45,669 --> 00:13:49,054
That's an entertainment
expense, bee-tee-Dubbs.
327
00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:53,125
Max, don't give up yet.
Let me help.
328
00:13:53,127 --> 00:13:54,927
Look, it's already 9:00.
We ran out of time.
329
00:13:54,929 --> 00:13:57,346
At least take a form
and file an extension.
330
00:13:57,348 --> 00:13:59,348
The post office
is open till midnight.
331
00:13:59,350 --> 00:14:01,583
Max, you know you wanna change
your finances.
332
00:14:01,585 --> 00:14:02,684
It's a step.
333
00:14:02,686 --> 00:14:04,586
You're right.
Good idea.
334
00:14:04,588 --> 00:14:06,221
They have extension forms
at the post office.
335
00:14:06,223 --> 00:14:09,924
We can pick one up
when I drop off Earl's return.
336
00:14:09,926 --> 00:14:11,727
- What?
- It's not here.
337
00:14:11,729 --> 00:14:12,861
It's not in my purse.
338
00:14:12,863 --> 00:14:14,947
Last time I saw it,
it was on the coffee table
339
00:14:14,949 --> 00:14:17,032
before you came in
with all your tax stuff.
340
00:14:17,034 --> 00:14:18,367
It must still be there.
341
00:14:18,369 --> 00:14:20,869
Uh, no, you made me throw
all that stuff out.
342
00:14:20,871 --> 00:14:23,705
You threw out
a 75-year-old man's tax return?
343
00:14:23,707 --> 00:14:25,407
You threw some papers out too.
344
00:14:25,409 --> 00:14:26,875
This is so not like me.
345
00:14:26,877 --> 00:14:30,412
The only thing I've ever lost
is my virginity.
346
00:14:30,414 --> 00:14:31,997
What are we gonna do?
347
00:14:31,999 --> 00:14:33,948
No, it's okay. Relax.
No big deal.
348
00:14:33,950 --> 00:14:36,585
We just have to go home
and climb through the dumpster.
349
00:14:36,587 --> 00:14:40,305
No, seriously,
what are we gonna do?
350
00:14:40,307 --> 00:14:41,956
Ready?
351
00:14:41,958 --> 00:14:44,793
No, seriously,
what are we gonna do?
352
00:14:53,194 --> 00:14:54,361
Well, let's get to it.
353
00:14:54,363 --> 00:14:56,663
My garbage
ain't gonna find itself.
354
00:14:56,665 --> 00:14:57,864
Max, I can't.
355
00:14:57,866 --> 00:15:01,618
If I go in there,
I will literally be white trash.
356
00:15:01,620 --> 00:15:04,821
Look, you're the one
who had to butt in
357
00:15:04,823 --> 00:15:06,339
and get all "Wharton" with Earl.
358
00:15:06,341 --> 00:15:07,707
If you had left him alone,
359
00:15:07,709 --> 00:15:09,826
it would be at the post office
safe and sound.
360
00:15:09,828 --> 00:15:11,177
Fine.
361
00:15:11,179 --> 00:15:12,762
But to be clear,
if we find a baby in there,
362
00:15:12,764 --> 00:15:14,598
you're raising it on your own.
363
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,850
Hey, it's already off
to a better start than I had.
364
00:15:16,852 --> 00:15:19,436
There's food everywhere.
365
00:15:19,438 --> 00:15:21,271
[Sigh]
[Garbage truck backing up]
366
00:15:21,273 --> 00:15:23,356
Oh, hell, no!
It's Tuesday--trash pick up!
367
00:15:23,358 --> 00:15:24,691
Better get in and out
368
00:15:24,693 --> 00:15:26,977
or we'll be on a garbage barge
to coney island.
369
00:15:26,979 --> 00:15:28,311
Come on,
I'll give you ten fingers.
370
00:15:28,313 --> 00:15:31,231
My shoes.
My dignity.
371
00:15:31,233 --> 00:15:34,017
My shoes.
372
00:15:34,019 --> 00:15:37,186
My hands are touching
a dumpster.
373
00:15:37,188 --> 00:15:38,622
All right,
on the count of three,
374
00:15:38,624 --> 00:15:40,123
I'll push,
you hoist yourself up.
375
00:15:40,125 --> 00:15:41,825
But really pull yourself up,
or you won't make it.
376
00:15:41,827 --> 00:15:44,461
It's hell.
I'm looking into hell.
377
00:15:44,463 --> 00:15:47,914
1...2...3!
378
00:15:47,916 --> 00:15:49,799
Whaa!
379
00:15:54,972 --> 00:15:58,808
I wanted to scream,
but it wouldn't come out.
380
00:15:58,810 --> 00:16:00,927
Okay, well, good luck.
See ya.
381
00:16:00,929 --> 00:16:02,429
- Max!
- I'm kidding!
382
00:16:02,431 --> 00:16:04,881
I'm coming around the back.
I found a place to get a leg up.
383
00:16:04,883 --> 00:16:09,769
Now?
You just saw that now?
384
00:16:09,771 --> 00:16:11,571
Aah!
385
00:16:11,573 --> 00:16:13,606
Why'd you scream?
You knew it was me.
386
00:16:13,608 --> 00:16:16,776
That's the one
I couldn't get out before.
387
00:16:16,778 --> 00:16:19,779
Oh, God, look at this mess.
388
00:16:19,781 --> 00:16:21,748
It's like looking for
a dirty needle in a haystack,
389
00:16:21,750 --> 00:16:24,117
which I've done.
390
00:16:24,119 --> 00:16:27,337
Okay, start poking around.
Look for familiar garbage.
391
00:16:27,339 --> 00:16:30,239
"Familiar garbage"?
392
00:16:30,241 --> 00:16:33,376
I hate it in here.
I wanna die.
393
00:16:33,378 --> 00:16:34,678
It's not that bad.
394
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,013
My mom and I once spent
five hours in a dumpster
395
00:16:37,015 --> 00:16:39,549
looking for proof that her
boyfriend was cheating on her,
396
00:16:39,551 --> 00:16:42,302
and all we found was
a scratch-off worth a $1.50
397
00:16:42,304 --> 00:16:43,803
and a beach towel.
398
00:16:43,805 --> 00:16:45,605
And then, we used that $1.50
399
00:16:45,607 --> 00:16:47,724
to take the towel
to the laundromat.
400
00:16:47,726 --> 00:16:50,143
12 years later,
you and I use that very towel
401
00:16:50,145 --> 00:16:53,646
to dry ourselves off
after a shower.
402
00:16:53,648 --> 00:16:58,068
Well, I'm standing on
a stranger's cold sesame noodles
403
00:16:58,070 --> 00:17:00,153
with egg shells
stuck to my ankles.
404
00:17:00,155 --> 00:17:01,654
You win, Max.
405
00:17:01,656 --> 00:17:03,606
What does that have to do
with me?
406
00:17:03,608 --> 00:17:08,078
It means I'm officially
standing in your purse.
407
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:13,333
How about more real garbage,
less Caroline garbage?
408
00:17:13,335 --> 00:17:15,552
Caroline garbage?
409
00:17:15,554 --> 00:17:17,286
You have been dumping
on me all day.
410
00:17:17,288 --> 00:17:18,888
Me? What have I done?
411
00:17:18,890 --> 00:17:22,509
"Max, you didn't file...ever?"
412
00:17:22,511 --> 00:17:24,561
I didn't say it like that.
413
00:17:24,563 --> 00:17:27,230
And you didn't file ever.
Is that my fault?
414
00:17:27,232 --> 00:17:29,632
Yes! This is all your fault.
415
00:17:29,634 --> 00:17:32,318
Before I met you, I didn't
even think about a future.
416
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:35,572
Now I have a future,
and I'm standing in a dumpster!
417
00:17:35,574 --> 00:17:39,275
You are not the only one
standing in a dumpster.
418
00:17:39,277 --> 00:17:41,494
And...get a new purse.
419
00:17:41,496 --> 00:17:43,279
If you had been able
to find a stupid stamp
420
00:17:43,281 --> 00:17:44,647
in that horrid thing,
421
00:17:44,649 --> 00:17:46,833
I would've never even seen
Earl's taxes
422
00:17:46,835 --> 00:17:48,668
and I wouldn't be standing
in a dumpster.
423
00:18:00,965 --> 00:18:02,331
Max, no, no, no!
424
00:18:02,333 --> 00:18:04,500
I will never, ever
recover from that!
425
00:18:04,502 --> 00:18:06,770
Red bulls? Red bulls?
Are those our red bulls?
426
00:18:06,772 --> 00:18:07,854
Where?
427
00:18:07,856 --> 00:18:09,839
Yes! Yes!
That's my garbage!
428
00:18:09,841 --> 00:18:11,775
That's my garbage!
Get over here!
429
00:18:11,777 --> 00:18:13,026
If we find it,
we'll have enough time
430
00:18:13,028 --> 00:18:14,861
to shower and get to
the post office.
431
00:18:14,863 --> 00:18:17,847
Both: Earl's taxes!
Earl's taxes!
432
00:18:18,682 --> 00:18:21,451
Next!
433
00:18:21,453 --> 00:18:22,902
This is unbelievable.
434
00:18:22,904 --> 00:18:25,371
Everyone trying to get their
taxes filed by midnight.
435
00:18:25,373 --> 00:18:28,491
Wow, I haven't seen this much
last-minute licking
436
00:18:28,493 --> 00:18:31,744
since the cops raided
that Thai massage parlor.
437
00:18:31,746 --> 00:18:34,464
- I'll grab an extension form.
- You get in line.
438
00:18:34,466 --> 00:18:36,332
The line's longer
than I expected.
439
00:18:36,334 --> 00:18:40,170
No, we have to file.
She's nursing.
440
00:18:40,172 --> 00:18:41,921
Don't worry.
We're fine.
441
00:18:41,923 --> 00:18:43,890
I'm a bum.
442
00:18:43,892 --> 00:18:47,376
She's got a baby hanging off her
nipple and her taxes are done.
443
00:18:47,378 --> 00:18:49,846
Max, you can't compare
yourself to other people.
444
00:18:49,848 --> 00:18:51,214
You'll do it your way.
445
00:18:51,216 --> 00:18:54,517
And there's a blind guy.
446
00:18:54,519 --> 00:18:57,270
No eyes, taxes done.
447
00:18:57,272 --> 00:19:00,406
I guess he wasn't distracted
by YouTube clips.
448
00:19:00,408 --> 00:19:02,025
Don't be so hard on yourself.
449
00:19:02,027 --> 00:19:04,110
You're filing an extension,
and then you'll get them done.
450
00:19:04,112 --> 00:19:06,412
You say I'm going to file,
but will I?
451
00:19:06,414 --> 00:19:09,115
I say I'm going to clean out
my purse, but do I?
452
00:19:09,117 --> 00:19:12,702
Sophie says she's gonna
tell Oleg, but did she?
453
00:19:12,704 --> 00:19:14,587
An extension
is just another excuse
454
00:19:14,589 --> 00:19:17,073
for me to put it off
and create a bigger mess.
455
00:19:17,075 --> 00:19:20,093
Hey, Max.
What's up?
456
00:19:20,095 --> 00:19:23,012
Bob.
Wow, what are you doing here?
457
00:19:23,014 --> 00:19:25,932
Oh, I just filed my taxes
like everyone else.
458
00:19:25,934 --> 00:19:27,884
Bob had a good year.
Ha.
459
00:19:28,802 --> 00:19:30,520
Who was that?
460
00:19:30,522 --> 00:19:33,306
My dealer.
Forget the extension.
461
00:19:33,308 --> 00:19:35,859
If my pot dealer can file,
I can file.
462
00:19:35,861 --> 00:19:37,260
We still have half an hour.
463
00:19:37,262 --> 00:19:38,594
Run home and get my W-2s
464
00:19:38,596 --> 00:19:40,063
while I stay in line
and fill out the 1040.
465
00:19:40,065 --> 00:19:41,698
Maybe I should stay
and fill it out,
466
00:19:41,700 --> 00:19:42,949
and you can run home.
467
00:19:42,951 --> 00:19:44,117
No, I have to do this.
468
00:19:44,119 --> 00:19:45,485
Don't worry, if I get stumped,
469
00:19:45,487 --> 00:19:46,953
I'm surrounded
by procrastinators.
470
00:19:46,955 --> 00:19:48,905
One of them will help...
Eventually.
471
00:19:48,907 --> 00:19:50,406
Okay, here's a pen.
472
00:19:50,408 --> 00:19:51,541
I'm gonna go drop off
Earl's return in the slot,
473
00:19:51,543 --> 00:19:52,825
and I'll be back
as soon as I can.
474
00:19:52,827 --> 00:19:53,993
Okay.
475
00:19:53,995 --> 00:19:55,295
Uh, hi, can you hold my place
476
00:19:55,297 --> 00:19:56,746
while I get a tax form
for this year?
477
00:19:56,748 --> 00:19:59,132
Oh, cutting it close.
You're worse than me.
478
00:19:59,134 --> 00:20:01,834
- Go, I got your back.
- And she's got your front.
479
00:20:05,256 --> 00:20:07,290
So I add up all these lines
and put the total here?
480
00:20:07,292 --> 00:20:08,758
- Right.
- What about student loans?
481
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,260
Yes, and I paid mine off
this year.
482
00:20:10,262 --> 00:20:11,511
Then claim it.
483
00:20:11,513 --> 00:20:13,062
That interest
is a huge write off.
484
00:20:13,064 --> 00:20:15,064
Put down $436 on line 33.
485
00:20:15,066 --> 00:20:18,234
- Post office is closing!
All: No!
486
00:20:18,236 --> 00:20:19,652
My friend just texted me.
She's almost here.
487
00:20:19,654 --> 00:20:21,538
Please,
I have to file this year.
488
00:20:21,540 --> 00:20:23,606
Midnight is midnight!
489
00:20:23,608 --> 00:20:25,325
All: Boo!
490
00:20:25,327 --> 00:20:27,944
Oh, please,
I have six children at home.
491
00:20:27,946 --> 00:20:29,245
This is nothing.
492
00:20:29,247 --> 00:20:31,614
Here! I'm here, I'm here!
What time is it?
493
00:20:31,616 --> 00:20:34,817
30 seconds.
494
00:20:34,819 --> 00:20:36,419
Make room, make room.
495
00:20:36,421 --> 00:20:39,822
Stapler, stapler.
496
00:20:39,824 --> 00:20:42,542
- 10...
- Sign it! Sign your 1040!
497
00:20:42,544 --> 00:20:43,826
- 9...
- Where?
498
00:20:43,828 --> 00:20:47,096
[Crowd shouting encouragement]
8...7...
499
00:20:47,098 --> 00:20:48,881
6...
Fold! Fold, you bastard!
500
00:20:48,883 --> 00:20:51,517
5...4...
501
00:20:51,519 --> 00:20:53,669
3...
502
00:20:53,671 --> 00:20:56,672
2...
503
00:20:56,674 --> 00:20:57,724
No stamp.
504
00:20:57,726 --> 00:20:59,976
- What?
Crowd: Aw!
505
00:21:02,012 --> 00:21:04,731
It's cool.
I got ya, boo.
506
00:21:05,783 --> 00:21:08,117
I did it!
I filed my taxes!
507
00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:10,353
[Cheers and applause]
508
00:21:10,355 --> 00:21:12,658
Everybody can suck it!
509
00:21:13,417 --> 00:21:23,759
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net