♪
Look, if you want to get all lesbian with me, just go for it.
You don't have to pretend it's for the website.
It is.
And for the record, in 2009, when Katy Perry
"kissed a girl and liked it," I kissed one and didn't.
Ready?
One... two... and...
- Perfect. - Perfect?
This photo does not say "Let us do your child's birthday party."
It says "We're an AC/DC tribute band,"
and you can pay us in cocaine."
Oleg,
will you take a picture of us for our website?
You realize you just asked a man
who only takes pictures of his penis?
Yes.
But it's always well-lit, and perfectly in focus.
You won't be disappointed.
I take lots of website pictures.
Yeah, but we're not wearing just bras and chicken masks.
We have time.
Maybe we should rethink the "coke whore" picture.
♪
Well, good night, ladies.
Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.
And I remember a time in New York
when that was more cute than accurate.
- Good night, Earl. - Good night.
Earl, I have come across
a $6 inaccuracy in tonight's total.
You must go over all checks again.
Han, I'm just on my way home.
But it is not yet 2:00 A.M.
I hate to play the heavy,
but you must sit down and go over checks again.
Han, I am 75 years old.
I don't even have enough time left to wipe twice.
Well, well.
Hello there.
Such a gentleman.
And what a well-behaved boy.
Oh, there are the girls.
Sophie, hello.
You look pretty.
Oh, I know.
Oh, sorry, the kitchen's closed.
- What? - Kitchen was closed...
But can now be open again
for such a beautiful woman.
Hello. I am the chef.
Oh, here we go.
Ukraine's going to try to invade Poland.
It's double d-day.
Oleg, this is our neighbor, Sophie.
I would like to have a plate with sausage on it
while I look over the menu.
Yowza.
You are like someone super-sized Victoria's secret angel.
I'd like to Gisele on your Bundchens.
You're going to act like a dog,
I'll treat you like a dog.
Well, there goes his photography career.
Do you still want the sausage?
Yes, of course. Why should sausage suffer?
You know how to handle yourself.
- Impressive. - Mm-hmm.
That was like a game of "rock, paper, pervert."
Sophie, thank you for coming in.
Max and I wanted to talk to you about taking you up
on your offer to work for your cleaning company.
Yeah, she wants to do it for money to pay for our website,
and I want to do it
because I like rummaging through strangers' medicine cabinets.
Have you cleaned houses before?
Well, I had a house, and it was very clean.
But whatever the task, you won't be sorry.
Max and I are a great team,
and when we set our mind to something, we accomplish it.
- And if you consider giving us... - Oh, stop.
This is not a dental school interview.
Come on, this is scrubbing toilets.
In or out?
We're in. All the way.
In my experience, when someone has to tell you
they're all the way in,
you'd better hope their tongue works.
So dirty.
We can start tomorrow.
Just tell us where to go, and we'll be there.
Oh, okay.
Well, uh, you walk out your door,
you take right, you go upstairs,
you open my door, and you clean my apartment.
Is audition.
Can't I just take off my shirt like in fame?
Excuse me.
Here is your non-sexual appetizer.
You and I will start small.
You like?
Yes.
Good boy. Now go.
Forced to clean Sophie's apartment?
This is getting dicey.
Next thing you know, we're locked in a crate
on our way to the far east.
Max, we're going to spend this money on our website.
That's the future of our company.
But the future is so far in the future,
and I need this money now for real stuff,
like gummi bears and eye liner.
How do you think you get to the future?
Uh, Marty McFly and a delorean?
Besides, we don't need the website yet.
We got the birthday cupcake job tomorrow without it.
And where do you think we got that job?
I don't know, the job fairy?
What? I don't pay attention to the business stuff.
I got the order at the web design company
when I overheard someone say it was his son's fifth birthday.
Gross. Using children for your own profit.
Way to go, China.
Well, here we are.
Why is this big news?
Come in.
So, if this all works out today,
I have two possible jobs for you.
Two? That's amazing.
This is the only way that I can make sure
that you don't ruin my company's good name.
'Cause I work hard to build "Sophie's choice."
Now, uh, one of you take bathroom
and one of you take out here.
Who does which?
Bathroom. I'm going to go with bathroom.
I love a challenge.
If not perfect clean, no job.
Begin.
Watch out, ladies.
I'm about to go ham on this b-room.
What is this "ham"?
Hard as a mother.
Max, I love when you're dirty.
Oh. Very impressive.
You clean
like bull.
Roar of cleaning.
No big deal.
I was lifting up couches when I was six
to help my mom look for change and her boyfriend's tooth.
I'm almost finished in here!
This one like to make big announcements
- about nothing, yes? - Yes.
Hey, does that electric cigarette work?
Yes, yeah.
I smoked for seven years, and then I quit when I was 12.
Yeah, I didn't want to die of lung cancer
before I was teenager.
Can I get a hit?
Oh, yeah, please, try.
I have many more in the drawers.
I smoked the summer I shucked oysters on a gay cruise.
Ooh, glamorous.
Almost done. Two-minute warning.
Be prepared to be amazed.
Max, you shouldn't smoke. You'll get...
What, electrocuted?
This is silly.
If I'm going to suck on something this hard
and get no pleasure out of it, I should just date.
I think you're going to be thrilled.
Oh, she stinks.
Spritz, spritz. She is sprayer.
All mirror, no toilet.
Well, you know, she's sort of new to this kind of work.
She was born rich,
but her father stole a bunch of money from people,
and she was thrown out of her townhouse and disgraced.
Yes, well, she clean like rich girl.
"Hey, everybody, look, look what I'm doing.
Oh, spritz, spritz."
Oh!
See, you not born rich,
and you... you're like "roar."
- Right? - Well.
Cleaning's not her thing, but she has other strengths.
Mm, I don't see them.
Mm.
Uh, so do we not have the job?
No, I give you job,
because one bull equal two girls.
But why you need her, I don't know.
You can make much more money on your own.
Yeah, well, we're kind of a team.
Listen, Max. Let me tell you something.
She is like rock, tied to you, balloon.
See, she hold you down.
You cut her loose, and...
Yeah, well, she's not weighing me down.
I had lover who was rock.
And I let him go, and...
I'm finished, and I have to say, that bathroom?
Nailed it.
Don't push it. She saw it.
She barely looked at it. I saw you in the mirror.
Your eye never even looked down.
Yes, that's because this eye doesn't go down.
See, I'm trying.
Yeah, I have blind spot from accident as child.
When I was six years old,
while working in Polish knock-off
of McDonalds in warsaw,
I fell on hot McStick.
How did you fall on a hot stick?
Not a stick that is hot. A hot McStick.
It's meat on a stick, and it's very popular.
They only have it, like, two times a year.
It's like Mcribs.
Sophie, I'm so sorry, that's awful.
Yeah, but I bet that McStick thing is delicious.
It is.
Well, that must have been hard.
I admire your courage.
What are you, counsellor from UNICEF?
You are acing this interview.
Pffft...
Do you know where we are?
This whole building is models.
Life is so funny.
When I lived in Manhattan,
I used to come to model parties here all the time.
And now you clean up their poop.
You're right. Life is funny.
Here's the apartment upstairs tomorrow.
- 10 J. Here it is. - How do I look?
Maybe he's the Abercrombie model from the Christmas ad
in the white sleigh
with the open fleece jacket and the eight-pack.
I don't think it's him.
Hi, I'm Big Bill.
Come on in, girlies.
How many packs did you say?
Oh, what a lovely... oh!
Oh, my God.
Look, Max, he's a figure skater.
Go ahead, take it all in.
How could you not?
It's okay, I'm a model. I'm used to it.
Hey, I know you. You're the Big Bill.
You're the guy from the gag greeting cards.
Yep. I sold 2 million of that particular card.
On the front it says, "You're on,"
when you open it up...
- "Thin ice"! - Right.
Oh, I've got to go in my bedroom and change.
I'll be right back.
Wow, Big Bill!
No, big bye-bye.
We're not staying here.
If that's what's on the wall,
who knows what's on the floor.
Or trapped underneath it.
This is an uncomfortable work environment.
You were going to be on all fours scrubbing a toilet.
It was always going to be an uncomfortable work environment.
Okay, if we're staying, that's three times
the amount of man. We should get double the money.
I'm calling Sophie right now
and telling her we should get more.
Um, I would not suggest you complain to Sophie.
It's not a good idea.
Why? Do you know something I don't?
She thinks you don't know how to clean,
that you spritz, spritz.
And what does she say about your cleaning skills?
I'm a bull and I roar.
I knew she didn't like me.
She only has eye for you.
Who cares what she thinks. Just clean better today.
You do the living room. I'll do the bathroom.
No, I'll do the bathroom, just to prove a point.
I mean, reprove it.
This is just like when
they made me take the S.A.T.S again,
away from all the asian kids.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Why are you freaking out?
You've already seen him naked.
It's not him.
Have you seen the size of this toilet?
That is a big-ass toilet.
Literally.
Max, I'm finished.
The floor is so clean you could eat off it,
and I'm sure he will.
Come on in, I want you to see it.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Go down, go down, stop. Never mind!
Don't need you to see it. Everything's okay.
How's it going out there?
Either your water just broke, or you pee like a smurf.
My shoes.
No, you did not flush a whole roll of paper towels.
No, you did not just use that tone with me
when my good shoes are wet.
Shut off the valve.
The valve?
Oh, God, what is wrong with you?
How can you not know where a toilet valve is?
I was rich.
But you have to admit, the mirror?
Nailed it.
Wake up, you lazy bitch!
- What? - Fire!
I'm fired? Why, because of the toilet?
Look at the oven, the cupcakes.
I'm sorry. I fell asleep.
I was just going to lay down for five minutes.
I asked you to do one thing
while I went out to get more milk...
Take the cupcakes out of the oven.
"Happy Birthday, kids. From Max's homemade cupcakes.
"You can learn more about us and our blackened cupcakes
on our expensive website."
I'm sorry, Max.
I just really needed a little siesta after all that cleaning.
How are you so good at Spanish and so bad at cleaning?
What is that smell?
I grabbed my purse and ran.
Caroline burned cupcakes.
Oh, so sad.
Look at all those burnt cakes.
What happened here?
Just a little mishap.
I was so tired from cleaning that bathroom earlier,
that I laid my head down for five minutes
- and ended up falling asleep. - Aw...
Such a shame.
Oh, look Max.
These cupcakes, they're hard as rocks.
All you have to do
is throw the rock away, and whee!
I don't think Sophie likes me.
What are you talking about? She loves you.
No. I don't think she has a blind spot.
I think she has a blonde spot... for me.
Well, I think we've found the place
where red bulls come to die.
Man, why do I never get invited to parties like this?
Look. Do you know what that means?
Yeah, this building has a real shirt shortage.
Oh, my God, do you think
this might be the Abercrombie model's apartment?
I doubt it's the Abercrombie model's apartment.
Here's a note.
It's addressed to "cleaning dood,"
"dude" spelled "d-o-o-d."
It definitely might be the Abercrombie model's apartment.
"Wake me when you get here ." He wants us to wake him.
So, do you think he sleeps in the nude?
Yeah, "nood", "n-o-o-d."
Come on, let's go look.
Oh, oh, oh, so what, seeing this guy naked
is no longer an "uncomfortable work environment"?
It's still uncomfortable,
but in that exciting uncomfortable way.
I think it is him.
It's the guy who put the "abs" in Abercrombie.
And he's naked. The good naked.
Should we lift the sheet?
Why not? I already lifted it in my mind.
Max, I got this.
You start cleaning up the mess out there.
No, you start cleaning the mess out there... I got this.
The bedroom's attached to the bathroom,
and I always do the bathrooms, and he's my ideal type.
And by "doing" the bathrooms do you mean flooding them,
and by "ideal type," do you mean unconscious?
Shh! We can talk about this out here.
You're going to wake him.
That's what we're supposed to do.
But as usual, you don't want to do the job.
What's wrong with you? You're acting weird.
Well, why should I have to do all the heavy lifting
while you just get to nap and see free model penis?
All the heavy lifting? Where'd you get that from?
No one.
Sophie.
I knew she didn't like me.
It's not that she doesn't like you,
she just doesn't think you're...
What? Doing anything?
She thinks I'm not pulling my weight?
She thinks I'm dead weight?
Not dead weight, more like... a rock...
To my balloon.
What is that, some kind of Polish haiku?
What does that even mean?
She thinks if I cut the rock loose, I'll go... fuuuuu!
Wait, so you're siding with
a woman you met a week ago over me?
I'm not siding with anyone. I'm just saying...
I know what this is. This is "Pick on the rich girl."
It's a poverty smackdown.
I heard you two talking while I was in her bathroom,
spritz spritzing.
You think you do everything? Fine, do everything.
You can "balloon" all over this place,
'cause the "rock" is leaving.
Who is it?
You're the rock! I'm the balloon!
Without me lifting you out of your negative rockness,
you wouldn't even have a cupcake business.
I'm the reason we even have cupcake jobs.
Oh, oh, you're the reason?
Who stayed up all last night baking 24 more cupcakes
while you were sleeping?
You did. And who delivered the cupcakes this morning
while you were sleeping? I did. Me. The balloon.
I floated over there and got paid for the job that I got us
from the website that I'm trying to pay for.
And now, I'm going to float down this hall
and wake the hot model up 'cause, contrary to what you
and your poverty gal-pal might think,
I always do the job I'm hired for.
Oh, no! I am going to wake him up.
Free model penis is my reward for doing everything
and being tied to a rock like you.
Oh, see? I can't get away, because you're the rock
and you're heavier than my balloon.
Hey, stop!
This is cleaning job,
not gorgeous ladies of wrestling.
Good thing I stopped by to check on you.
- What is all this? - You explain it.
I'm going to go wake the hot model up.
He left a note. Just doing my job.
As usual.
So, you think I'm holding Max back?
What kind of question is this?
Yes.
Well, you're wrong. We're a great team.
And, yes, there are some things she's better at.
But there are other areas where I excel.
Well, I don't see them.
That's probably because of your eye.
Did you wake him up?
Uh, no. I think he might be dead.
Oh, no, not the hot one!
Aw, he's my favorite.
This is all I need on yelp.
We should call 911.
No, I got it.
What are you going to do?
I'm going to give him mouth-to-mouth.
I didn't know there was so much tongue involved.
This is not working.
But, you know what? I know he's still alive,
because his manhood is knocking on my lady door.
He must have taken too many of those pills on the table.
Pills? I got this.
Max, go get some hydrogen peroxide.
- Sophie, step aside, now. - Oh, all right.
You sure you know what you're doing?
My friend Candace travelstead od'd like three times
in college, and I brought her back twice.
There you go.
Bring him up.
Max, you hold his head back, open his mouth.
Back up.
I'm starting to see your worth.
What? You're being subway creepy.
I have to say, when you were punching
that almost-dead guy in the stomach,
that was a serious balloon move.
The truth is, we're both balloons.
Yeah, but mine is, like, way cooler than yours.
It's like one of those silver ones that never goes out of air.
They don't make those anymore. They're toxic.
Exactly.
Max, you know you won't let me come into the kitchen
and help you bake, right?
And you know that I know that without you,
the job fairy would never show up, right?
But if you ever need me to help you bake, I could.
No, it's cool.
You do your thing, I'll do mine.
Hey, get your phone.
We should capture this near-death victory moment
as our website picture.
Totally.
On the count of three, think... "We made $200."
One... two...
Hold up.
Sir, if you want to go home with that hand,
get it off my ass.
Okay, three.