1
00:00:04,567 --> 00:00:06,264
Han, what're you doing in our bar?
2
00:00:06,264 --> 00:00:07,945
You know we can't serve kids.
3
00:00:08,612 --> 00:00:09,823
Or did you just want to see
4
00:00:09,824 --> 00:00:12,295
what a successful business looks like?
5
00:00:12,439 --> 00:00:14,842
I know what a successful
business looks like.
6
00:00:14,843 --> 00:00:17,579
My cousin runs a Blimpie's in Queens.
7
00:00:17,579 --> 00:00:20,047
You have a relative
that works at a Blimpie's?
8
00:00:20,048 --> 00:00:23,050
(gasps) Is he single?
9
00:00:25,085 --> 00:00:27,054
Hi, I'm Clint, the new bartender.
10
00:00:27,056 --> 00:00:29,923
It's a pleasure for you to meet me.
11
00:00:29,925 --> 00:00:32,067
I hired Clint away from that
cool bar down the street.
12
00:00:32,069 --> 00:00:33,228
He has a following.
13
00:00:33,228 --> 00:00:34,795
And his following followed him here,
14
00:00:34,796 --> 00:00:35,939
and now we have a following.
15
00:00:35,941 --> 00:00:38,131
You following?
16
00:00:38,133 --> 00:00:39,511
Oh, a following.
17
00:00:39,512 --> 00:00:42,896
Like I had on YouTube before
they got all weird about nudity.
18
00:00:44,216 --> 00:00:46,218
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
19
00:00:46,219 --> 00:00:48,152
(cash register bell dings)
20
00:00:48,154 --> 00:00:54,081
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
21
00:00:55,326 --> 00:00:57,027
Wow.
22
00:00:57,029 --> 00:00:59,530
Girls, this place has more people in it
23
00:00:59,531 --> 00:01:01,332
than my first marriage.
24
00:01:01,334 --> 00:01:02,701
Hey, Earl.
25
00:01:02,701 --> 00:01:05,504
Cacao Storm for my diabetic dreamboat?
26
00:01:05,504 --> 00:01:07,572
Well, you know I can't say no to booze.
27
00:01:07,573 --> 00:01:10,075
If I could, I'd still be
in The Temptations.
28
00:01:10,075 --> 00:01:12,611
No, no, no,
it's very little booze, okay?
29
00:01:12,611 --> 00:01:15,412
CLINT: See, you drink
it for the raw cacao.
30
00:01:15,414 --> 00:01:17,581
Yeah, it releases serotonin
and boosts your energy
31
00:01:17,582 --> 00:01:18,617
and your mood.
32
00:01:18,617 --> 00:01:22,120
I'm pretty much a genius.
33
00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,287
And I'm pretty much gonna pass.
34
00:01:26,091 --> 00:01:28,993
You want to try a Cacao Storm?
Huh, buddy?
35
00:01:28,995 --> 00:01:30,128
Yeah, you do.
36
00:01:30,129 --> 00:01:31,996
They're addictive.
37
00:01:31,998 --> 00:01:34,498
Raw cacao with a little
chocolate liqueur.
38
00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:37,701
It's how I got to be such a big deal.
39
00:01:37,703 --> 00:01:39,371
And it's how I'm gonna
get a new wardrobe
40
00:01:39,371 --> 00:01:41,006
with the way these are selling.
41
00:01:41,007 --> 00:01:43,207
Soon, I'll be able to
buy clothes from places
42
00:01:43,209 --> 00:01:46,478
that don't also sell gas.
43
00:01:46,478 --> 00:01:49,281
I'll try one. I am a little stressed.
44
00:01:49,281 --> 00:01:50,649
I'm entering the post office's
45
00:01:50,650 --> 00:01:53,685
Federal Duck Stamp Contest this year.
46
00:01:53,686 --> 00:01:56,087
They still have post offices?
47
00:01:56,087 --> 00:01:58,689
I wonder if my "wanted"
poster's still up.
48
00:01:58,691 --> 00:02:02,093
It is. You were a cute kid.
49
00:02:02,093 --> 00:02:03,561
And they have a contest to design
50
00:02:03,563 --> 00:02:05,462
a new duck stamp every year.
51
00:02:05,463 --> 00:02:08,032
If I win, my mallard drawing will be on
52
00:02:08,033 --> 00:02:10,602
official United States postage.
53
00:02:10,603 --> 00:02:12,336
How can there be a winner of a contest
54
00:02:12,337 --> 00:02:15,272
you have to be a loser to enter?
55
00:02:15,274 --> 00:02:17,408
You feeling the buzz yet, son?
56
00:02:17,409 --> 00:02:20,978
You should.
I only use pure Columbian cacao.
57
00:02:20,979 --> 00:02:23,080
Strongest in the city...
actually, in the state.
58
00:02:23,081 --> 00:02:24,983
I just didn't want to brag about it.
59
00:02:24,984 --> 00:02:27,085
It's one of the greatest
things about me.
60
00:02:27,086 --> 00:02:28,086
Oh!
61
00:02:28,086 --> 00:02:29,420
Yes, yes.
62
00:02:29,421 --> 00:02:31,990
I think I feel it. A little jolt.
63
00:02:31,990 --> 00:02:35,259
Wasn't that your
American Gladiator name?
64
00:02:35,260 --> 00:02:37,260
Why you got to harsh my buzz?
65
00:02:38,562 --> 00:02:41,332
Wait till this duck flies
to stamp victory.
66
00:02:41,334 --> 00:02:43,134
Then I'll be ridicule-proof.
67
00:02:43,134 --> 00:02:45,635
You'll never be wedgie-proof.
68
00:02:48,372 --> 00:02:49,640
I just checked our receipts.
69
00:02:49,641 --> 00:02:52,243
We already made $1,500 tonight.
70
00:02:52,245 --> 00:02:53,707
Max, if this keeps up, we'll be able
71
00:02:53,709 --> 00:02:56,281
to watch Hulu without commercials.
72
00:02:56,281 --> 00:02:58,250
$1,500 in one night?
73
00:02:58,251 --> 00:02:59,683
I didn't even make that much
74
00:02:59,685 --> 00:03:02,520
when I turned in my mom
for the reward money.
75
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,389
Plus, it think this is better
than you bartending, Max.
76
00:03:05,390 --> 00:03:08,894
You were great, but your "one
for them, one for me" policy
77
00:03:08,895 --> 00:03:11,162
got a little topless.
78
00:03:11,163 --> 00:03:14,299
You enjoyed the tips, didn't you?
79
00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:15,932
I said "Tips."
80
00:03:17,968 --> 00:03:21,572
SOPHIE: Excuse me, excuse me.
81
00:03:25,009 --> 00:03:27,478
Haven't you seen a
stroller in a bar before?
82
00:03:28,545 --> 00:03:30,414
Hey, girls.
83
00:03:30,415 --> 00:03:32,050
What, you're not even gonna say hello,
84
00:03:32,050 --> 00:03:34,352
'cause I look like garbage?
85
00:03:34,353 --> 00:03:36,320
You didn't even give
us a chance, Sophie.
86
00:03:36,322 --> 00:03:39,424
You were too busy running
over all of our customers.
87
00:03:39,425 --> 00:03:41,192
Well, I'm sorry if I'm embarrassing you
88
00:03:41,192 --> 00:03:44,862
with the way I look, Caroline.
89
00:03:44,864 --> 00:03:49,300
Look, I don't have time to make
me and baby Barbara look sexy.
90
00:03:49,301 --> 00:03:51,336
Max, maybe we should get manicures?
91
00:03:51,336 --> 00:03:52,971
I haven't had one since Gwyneth Paltrow
92
00:03:52,972 --> 00:03:55,307
was only a little annoying.
93
00:03:55,307 --> 00:03:57,609
We don't have grooming money.
94
00:03:57,610 --> 00:04:01,045
I'm still cutting my hair
with a sword like Mulan.
95
00:04:01,046 --> 00:04:02,580
Max, we're doing really well,
96
00:04:02,580 --> 00:04:05,182
so why not enjoy our success a little?
97
00:04:05,183 --> 00:04:07,151
I mean, we don't have
"screw you" money yet,
98
00:04:07,152 --> 00:04:09,320
but we have enough to
be mildly unpleasant.
99
00:04:09,322 --> 00:04:11,423
(laughs) No kiddin'!
100
00:04:11,424 --> 00:04:12,890
♪
101
00:04:12,891 --> 00:04:14,526
Oh, come on, come on!
102
00:04:14,526 --> 00:04:16,461
I want to get our nails did.
103
00:04:16,461 --> 00:04:20,531
Why does it take so long
for a load to finish?
104
00:04:20,533 --> 00:04:23,867
Have you tried dirty talk?
105
00:04:23,869 --> 00:04:26,237
(machine buzzes)
106
00:04:26,237 --> 00:04:27,538
Oh, that's my dryer.
107
00:04:27,540 --> 00:04:29,040
Oh, mine now.
108
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,608
You snooze, you lose.
109
00:04:31,610 --> 00:04:35,279
But I wasn't snoozing, why am I losing?
110
00:04:35,281 --> 00:04:36,613
'Sup, Janice?
111
00:04:36,615 --> 00:04:38,449
How's things down at the Coinstar?
112
00:04:38,451 --> 00:04:42,319
I'm ready for a change.
113
00:04:42,321 --> 00:04:45,523
Max, don't engage her, she threw
my clothes on the ground.
114
00:04:45,524 --> 00:04:48,593
Buzzer go off? You snooze, you lose.
115
00:04:48,593 --> 00:04:51,463
Ugh, now I have to wash these
again because there's...
116
00:04:51,463 --> 00:04:54,966
what I really hope is
fudge on the floor.
117
00:04:54,966 --> 00:04:56,300
Ugh!
118
00:04:56,302 --> 00:04:58,134
Where's my underwear?
119
00:05:01,139 --> 00:05:04,341
Looks like Ralph has a job interview.
120
00:05:04,343 --> 00:05:06,011
Ralph, that's my underwear.
121
00:05:06,012 --> 00:05:07,879
Give it back.
122
00:05:07,879 --> 00:05:11,182
Ugh, I can't wait till we don't
have to come here anymore.
123
00:05:11,182 --> 00:05:13,250
But where will we cook our chicken?
124
00:05:16,286 --> 00:05:17,389
You know what?
125
00:05:17,389 --> 00:05:18,889
We're successful now.
126
00:05:18,891 --> 00:05:22,192
We don't have to come here anymore.
127
00:05:22,194 --> 00:05:23,995
Can I have your attention, everyone?
128
00:05:23,995 --> 00:05:27,331
Uh, that depends, are you a cat video?
129
00:05:27,332 --> 00:05:29,434
I'd like to make an announcement.
130
00:05:29,435 --> 00:05:32,302
As of today, we are saying
good-bye to this place.
131
00:05:32,303 --> 00:05:34,439
So Ralph, you can keep my panties,
132
00:05:34,439 --> 00:05:36,841
I know you have a wedding next month.
133
00:05:36,841 --> 00:05:39,276
Max and I are successful
enough now to afford
134
00:05:39,278 --> 00:05:42,579
our own washer and dryer.
135
00:05:42,581 --> 00:05:45,382
Or more realistically,
a low-budget fluff-and-fold.
136
00:05:45,384 --> 00:05:47,851
So take one last look at us...
137
00:05:47,853 --> 00:05:50,019
But no need to take out
your penis, Marty.
138
00:05:53,891 --> 00:05:55,860
Come on, Max,
let's go get our manicures.
139
00:05:55,860 --> 00:05:58,663
Good-bye, Laundromat,
we are never coming back
140
00:05:58,663 --> 00:06:00,697
to this hell hole again.
141
00:06:00,699 --> 00:06:02,666
You just put another
load in the washer.
142
00:06:02,668 --> 00:06:06,036
We are coming back
to this hell hole again.
143
00:06:13,004 --> 00:06:16,007
Earl, we got manicures!
144
00:06:16,007 --> 00:06:19,643
Caroline wanted our nails
to project success, so...
145
00:06:22,346 --> 00:06:26,502
What says "classy lady"
like Monopoly houses?
146
00:06:27,285 --> 00:06:28,886
Wow, congratulations, Max.
147
00:06:28,887 --> 00:06:31,973
This is probably the closest
any of us will ever come
148
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:35,009
to owning a house.
149
00:06:35,009 --> 00:06:36,377
Speak for yourself, Earl.
150
00:06:36,377 --> 00:06:38,612
Max and I are successful now.
151
00:06:38,613 --> 00:06:40,476
I said good-bye to the
Laundromat this morning,
152
00:06:40,478 --> 00:06:42,617
and this afternoon, I said
good-bye to the bodega
153
00:06:42,617 --> 00:06:44,351
where we get our flu shots.
154
00:06:44,353 --> 00:06:45,987
You could've waited till after I got my
155
00:06:45,987 --> 00:06:48,822
flu shot and sandwich combo.
156
00:06:48,824 --> 00:06:51,091
Hi, could you bring me a water, please?
157
00:06:51,093 --> 00:06:53,060
Um, could you bring someone water
158
00:06:53,062 --> 00:06:55,295
if you had houses for fingers?
159
00:06:58,031 --> 00:07:01,002
I can't wait till we say
good-bye to this place.
160
00:07:01,002 --> 00:07:03,004
I'm gonna be really mean.
161
00:07:03,004 --> 00:07:04,572
I may do it as a poem.
162
00:07:04,572 --> 00:07:07,040
What rhymes with "rat-infested"?
163
00:07:07,041 --> 00:07:09,074
Flat-chested.
164
00:07:11,245 --> 00:07:13,014
You better slow down.
165
00:07:13,014 --> 00:07:14,935
We've only had one good
night at the dessert bar,
166
00:07:14,937 --> 00:07:16,839
and you said we had to
keep working at the diner
167
00:07:16,841 --> 00:07:18,920
till we made enough to be legally poor.
168
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,321
Okay, fine.
169
00:07:20,322 --> 00:07:22,689
It's like those nails
are making you reasonable
170
00:07:22,690 --> 00:07:24,156
and I don't like it.
171
00:07:29,896 --> 00:07:31,231
Han, your hair!
172
00:07:31,233 --> 00:07:34,233
Who are you supposed to be,
Edward Scissor-hans?
173
00:07:36,870 --> 00:07:39,639
I was up all night, sketching my stamp.
174
00:07:39,641 --> 00:07:41,742
Want to see my duck?
175
00:07:41,742 --> 00:07:46,047
Praying that wasn't an auto-correct.
176
00:07:46,048 --> 00:07:47,981
Look at all the
practice ducks I've drawn.
177
00:07:47,983 --> 00:07:49,716
The American Wood duck.
178
00:07:49,718 --> 00:07:51,319
The Harlequin duck.
179
00:07:51,319 --> 00:07:53,120
The Spot-Billed duck.
180
00:07:53,122 --> 00:07:54,254
A mallard.
181
00:07:54,255 --> 00:07:56,356
A mallard.
182
00:07:56,358 --> 00:07:58,158
A mallard, a mallard...
183
00:07:58,159 --> 00:08:01,963
Caroline, take is batteries out.
184
00:08:01,963 --> 00:08:04,665
This beauty's gonna win
me the stamp contest.
185
00:08:04,665 --> 00:08:06,968
All I have to do now is color it.
186
00:08:06,968 --> 00:08:11,004
And then sit back and
plan my victory party.
187
00:08:11,005 --> 00:08:13,307
Guess which stamp I'll
use to send the invites?
188
00:08:13,307 --> 00:08:15,175
Gay flag?
189
00:08:15,177 --> 00:08:17,009
No, a mallard!
190
00:08:19,079 --> 00:08:21,048
Where'd you get that cacao from?
191
00:08:21,048 --> 00:08:23,918
Clint gave me a couple grams
before he left last night.
192
00:08:23,918 --> 00:08:26,853
I've been micro-dosing it all day.
193
00:08:39,767 --> 00:08:42,636
Why are you rubbing it on your gums?
194
00:08:42,638 --> 00:08:45,038
Are you teething?
195
00:08:45,039 --> 00:08:48,040
Clint says the buzz is stronger
if I take it straight.
196
00:08:49,610 --> 00:08:52,046
Okay, I didn't believe
Clint when he said cacao
197
00:08:52,047 --> 00:08:55,048
was addictive, but I also
didn't believe in leprechauns
198
00:08:55,049 --> 00:08:59,086
until I started working for one.
199
00:08:59,086 --> 00:09:01,086
If I cut my gums...
200
00:09:02,990 --> 00:09:05,058
Will it enter my
bloodstream any faster?
201
00:09:05,059 --> 00:09:06,927
You're a junkie!
202
00:09:06,928 --> 00:09:11,032
Han, you're acting like that
time you had a whole Red Bull.
203
00:09:11,033 --> 00:09:12,933
Okay...
204
00:09:12,934 --> 00:09:15,135
you have a problem!
205
00:09:15,136 --> 00:09:18,004
I'm telling Clint you're cut off.
206
00:09:18,005 --> 00:09:19,941
Well, I'm telling Clint I love him.
207
00:09:19,942 --> 00:09:22,009
He loves that.
208
00:09:22,009 --> 00:09:25,010
Fine, I'll just finish
my stamp without cacao.
209
00:09:26,581 --> 00:09:27,913
Damn it!
210
00:09:30,317 --> 00:09:32,652
Hi, everybody!
211
00:09:37,191 --> 00:09:38,960
I hope they're never expecting Barbara
212
00:09:38,961 --> 00:09:41,861
to have a short-term memory.
213
00:09:41,863 --> 00:09:44,931
Oh, look away, look away.
214
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,735
Things have gotten real bad.
215
00:09:48,736 --> 00:09:49,971
Yeah.
216
00:09:49,971 --> 00:09:53,774
I look like all of you now.
217
00:09:53,774 --> 00:09:56,876
Sophie, why didn't you
come with us to the nail place?
218
00:09:56,878 --> 00:09:59,113
It was so much fun.
219
00:09:59,114 --> 00:10:01,048
I couldn't make it, I was too busy
220
00:10:01,048 --> 00:10:04,818
bedazzling Barbara's diapers.
221
00:10:04,820 --> 00:10:07,053
I'm just gonna have to face it...
222
00:10:07,054 --> 00:10:11,892
I'm not gonna be pretty again
for at least 12 years.
223
00:10:11,893 --> 00:10:16,831
Oh, I'll be Caroline's age by then.
224
00:10:16,831 --> 00:10:20,835
Sophie, I keep saying,
you'll always be sexy to me.
225
00:10:20,836 --> 00:10:22,937
And I hate to sound all lovey-dovey,
226
00:10:22,937 --> 00:10:24,971
but you're giving me a boner.
227
00:10:26,673 --> 00:10:29,943
You're just saying that
'cause you have to.
228
00:10:29,945 --> 00:10:32,177
I don't want your pity boner.
229
00:10:35,649 --> 00:10:38,318
Caroline, if pity boners are a thing,
230
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,452
you have got to get back out there.
231
00:10:42,856 --> 00:10:45,058
I was thinking the same thing.
232
00:10:45,059 --> 00:10:47,128
♪
233
00:10:47,129 --> 00:10:48,863
Psst! Psst!
234
00:10:48,864 --> 00:10:50,264
You got the stuff, Clint?
235
00:10:50,264 --> 00:10:52,365
It's premium grade, right?
236
00:10:52,366 --> 00:10:54,869
If it isn't, you're in for a very
237
00:10:54,870 --> 00:10:57,837
unpleasant conversation.
238
00:10:57,838 --> 00:11:01,908
My guy from Columbia guarantees it.
239
00:11:01,909 --> 00:11:04,678
Not the country,
we went to college together.
240
00:11:04,679 --> 00:11:05,879
Want a little taste?
241
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:07,815
You bet your butt I do!
242
00:11:07,816 --> 00:11:10,817
I want to make sure it's
not cut with Nestle Quik.
243
00:11:13,721 --> 00:11:15,355
Oh.
244
00:11:15,356 --> 00:11:18,258
That's the stuff muddy
donkeys are made of.
245
00:11:20,126 --> 00:11:21,195
HAN: Max!
246
00:11:21,196 --> 00:11:24,664
Uh, fancy meeting you here.
247
00:11:24,666 --> 00:11:28,635
Clint and I were just
bro-ing out over sports.
248
00:11:28,636 --> 00:11:30,171
And breasts.
249
00:11:30,172 --> 00:11:33,740
And... zoos?
250
00:11:33,741 --> 00:11:35,875
What do men talk about?
251
00:11:35,876 --> 00:11:36,911
Hey, Max.
252
00:11:36,912 --> 00:11:38,379
We killed it last night, huh?
253
00:11:38,379 --> 00:11:40,246
Me more than you.
254
00:11:40,248 --> 00:11:42,817
You gonna want this or not,
I got to go do my podcast.
255
00:11:42,817 --> 00:11:45,686
I'm interviewing myself.
256
00:11:45,687 --> 00:11:48,154
I know a drug deal when I see it!
257
00:11:48,155 --> 00:11:49,322
He's cut off.
258
00:11:49,323 --> 00:11:52,025
Like me on $2 margarita night.
259
00:11:52,027 --> 00:11:55,261
Max, I need that cacao
to finish my duck stamp!
260
00:11:55,263 --> 00:11:58,732
One last ride on the chocolate pony.
261
00:11:58,734 --> 00:12:01,268
Look at you...
chocolate all over your face.
262
00:12:01,269 --> 00:12:05,038
You look like Jonah Hill reading
the reviews for War Dogs.
263
00:12:05,039 --> 00:12:07,707
Clint, don't you dare sell it to him.
264
00:12:07,708 --> 00:12:09,976
You can't tell me what to do, okay?
265
00:12:09,977 --> 00:12:11,778
I'm serious... I will quit.
266
00:12:11,779 --> 00:12:14,981
Oh, hmm, I'll say the same
thing I said to my mother...
267
00:12:14,982 --> 00:12:17,951
resignation accepted.
268
00:12:17,952 --> 00:12:20,888
You just made a huge mistake.
269
00:12:20,889 --> 00:12:22,756
Hmm.
270
00:12:22,758 --> 00:12:25,326
You're talking to someone who
watched the second season
271
00:12:25,326 --> 00:12:26,994
of True Detective.
272
00:12:26,995 --> 00:12:28,695
Right, Han?
273
00:12:31,698 --> 00:12:34,701
That scumbag couldn't
have taken all the cacao.
274
00:12:34,702 --> 00:12:36,870
Quick, help me check the cabinets.
275
00:12:36,871 --> 00:12:38,706
Keep away from my drawers, Han.
276
00:12:38,706 --> 00:12:40,440
You got to be used to hearing that.
277
00:12:42,777 --> 00:12:44,711
Max, I just gave a good-bye speech
278
00:12:44,712 --> 00:12:46,113
at the free clinic.
279
00:12:46,114 --> 00:12:48,014
Oh, also, the lab technician
280
00:12:48,015 --> 00:12:51,152
said for you to call her ASAP.
281
00:12:51,153 --> 00:12:54,388
Ugh, Claire freaks out
about everything.
282
00:12:54,389 --> 00:12:56,890
I'll tear this place apart!
283
00:12:56,892 --> 00:12:59,259
Where the hell is the cacao?
284
00:12:59,260 --> 00:13:00,961
What's happening, where's Clint?
285
00:13:00,961 --> 00:13:02,830
- He quit.
- He quit?
286
00:13:02,831 --> 00:13:04,264
But what about his following?
287
00:13:04,265 --> 00:13:05,732
What about our following?
288
00:13:05,734 --> 00:13:07,168
What about my good-bye tour?
289
00:13:07,168 --> 00:13:09,169
- Say good-bye to it.
- (gasps)
290
00:13:09,171 --> 00:13:11,638
(gasps) I think I found some!
291
00:13:13,374 --> 00:13:16,744
Nope, that was straight-up dirt.
292
00:13:16,745 --> 00:13:18,645
It's for the best.
293
00:13:18,647 --> 00:13:21,315
'Cause Jane Cacaoski over
there can't get enough.
294
00:13:21,316 --> 00:13:23,149
I'll just get back behind the bar.
295
00:13:23,150 --> 00:13:26,653
Now, if you'll excuse me,
one of my hotels came loose
296
00:13:26,654 --> 00:13:28,956
while I was giving someone the finger.
297
00:13:28,956 --> 00:13:31,158
I guess I'm going to have
to call that other dealer
298
00:13:31,158 --> 00:13:32,960
I found on Craigslist.
299
00:13:32,961 --> 00:13:35,663
I'm Ice-T and I need my Coco.
300
00:13:35,663 --> 00:13:37,364
Han, if you can get that cacao,
301
00:13:37,365 --> 00:13:40,234
Max can make the Cacao Storms herself.
302
00:13:40,235 --> 00:13:43,736
I've seen her make opium out of
poppy seed bagels and a Lacroix.
303
00:13:43,738 --> 00:13:44,871
Han, call that dealer.
304
00:13:44,873 --> 00:13:46,673
Already dialing.
305
00:13:46,674 --> 00:13:49,409
I'm halfway down the Hershey Highway.
306
00:13:49,411 --> 00:13:52,679
I meant the Fudge Factory.
307
00:13:52,681 --> 00:13:54,504
I don't want to hear about
your personal life,
308
00:13:54,504 --> 00:13:56,705
just call the dealer.
309
00:14:03,658 --> 00:14:05,225
Han, where is this guy?
310
00:14:05,226 --> 00:14:06,394
I'm scared.
311
00:14:06,394 --> 00:14:08,562
Someone might think we're a couple.
312
00:14:08,563 --> 00:14:10,465
I hope he gets here soon.
313
00:14:10,466 --> 00:14:13,033
I just snorted a pint of Chunky Monkey.
314
00:14:14,902 --> 00:14:17,205
That's him, now act cool.
315
00:14:17,206 --> 00:14:19,173
Yoo-hoo, Mr. Drug Dealer!
316
00:14:19,173 --> 00:14:20,908
Right here.
317
00:14:20,908 --> 00:14:22,509
You're embarrassing me!
318
00:14:22,510 --> 00:14:25,178
Oh, also, tell him we're not a couple.
319
00:14:25,179 --> 00:14:26,647
You guys here for the cacao?
320
00:14:26,648 --> 00:14:29,182
Let's cut to the chase,
where's the dope?
321
00:14:29,183 --> 00:14:30,407
Standing right in front of me.
322
00:14:30,408 --> 00:14:32,519
- We're not together.
- Shh!
323
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:34,020
You want the cops to hear us?
324
00:14:34,022 --> 00:14:37,057
Would it matter?
You're selling chocolate.
325
00:14:37,058 --> 00:14:39,594
I know, but it's more fun
to act like it's naughty.
326
00:14:39,595 --> 00:14:41,062
That's the only reason I do this.
327
00:14:41,062 --> 00:14:42,330
I'm so bored.
328
00:14:42,331 --> 00:14:44,030
I'm a stay-at-home grandpa.
329
00:14:44,032 --> 00:14:46,200
Show me the skrank!
330
00:14:46,201 --> 00:14:49,202
That's the word I made
up for street cacao.
331
00:14:49,203 --> 00:14:50,471
Here it is.
332
00:14:50,471 --> 00:14:51,735
Had to kill a hooker to get it.
333
00:14:51,735 --> 00:14:52,639
(gasps)
334
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:55,509
I wish.
335
00:14:55,510 --> 00:14:57,477
My daughter-in-law works for Nestle.
336
00:14:57,479 --> 00:15:00,181
EARL: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
337
00:15:00,182 --> 00:15:01,982
Earl, what're you doing out here?
338
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:04,152
Just to be clear, I'm out here with Han
339
00:15:04,153 --> 00:15:06,620
for business, nothing romantic.
340
00:15:06,621 --> 00:15:08,438
What are you doing out here
341
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:12,341
with my Canadian Viagra connection?
342
00:15:12,342 --> 00:15:15,378
- Hey, Earl!
- Hey, Bill!
343
00:15:15,379 --> 00:15:17,480
Hey, man, how's your daughter-in-law?
344
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:20,450
Still climbing the corporate
ladder at Nestle Toronto?
345
00:15:20,451 --> 00:15:22,240
And doing CrossFit on the weekends.
346
00:15:22,241 --> 00:15:22,885
Uh-huh.
347
00:15:22,886 --> 00:15:24,754
And Ted's finally got
his real estate license.
348
00:15:24,754 --> 00:15:27,690
- Oh...
- No one cares, Grandpa!
349
00:15:27,691 --> 00:15:29,893
Tell that to the pigeons in the park!
350
00:15:29,894 --> 00:15:33,395
I'm this close to
main-lining Tootsie Rolls.
351
00:15:33,397 --> 00:15:36,732
- Here's the money.
- Not this again!
352
00:15:36,734 --> 00:15:38,536
I come out here to smoke a joint,
353
00:15:38,537 --> 00:15:40,636
and I walk in on a drug deal?
354
00:15:40,638 --> 00:15:41,770
Shame!
355
00:15:41,772 --> 00:15:43,472
Hey, you!
356
00:15:43,474 --> 00:15:46,975
Get out of here before I pop
a cap in your Honda Odyssey.
357
00:15:46,977 --> 00:15:49,812
I'm sorry, it was either this,
or have an affair.
358
00:15:49,813 --> 00:15:51,614
And I'm just too tired.
359
00:15:53,683 --> 00:15:55,686
Well, it looks like
I got to go tell Ruth
360
00:15:55,687 --> 00:15:58,388
it's gonna be an
"everything but" kind of night
361
00:15:58,389 --> 00:16:00,623
Jeez.
362
00:16:00,624 --> 00:16:03,259
I learned it from watching you, Dad?
363
00:16:03,260 --> 00:16:06,263
Max, we need that cacao
for our dessert bar.
364
00:16:06,264 --> 00:16:08,006
I already told the soup
kitchen what I think
365
00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:11,333
of their tomato bisque,
so there's no turning back.
366
00:16:11,335 --> 00:16:14,403
Your addictions are
both out of control.
367
00:16:14,404 --> 00:16:17,407
Caroline, there are no
shortcuts to success
368
00:16:17,408 --> 00:16:19,542
or creating a stamp-worthy mallard.
369
00:16:19,543 --> 00:16:23,346
Life is a slow, steady
climb to just getting by.
370
00:16:23,346 --> 00:16:24,980
Snap out of it!
371
00:16:24,981 --> 00:16:27,417
Me? You're addicted too.
372
00:16:27,418 --> 00:16:28,985
To these nails.
373
00:16:28,985 --> 00:16:30,452
(gasps)
374
00:16:30,453 --> 00:16:33,455
No I'm not, I can stop any time!
375
00:16:35,258 --> 00:16:36,859
(screams)
376
00:16:36,860 --> 00:16:38,995
Then why are you crying?
377
00:16:38,995 --> 00:16:40,697
'Cause I'm on my knees in an alley
378
00:16:40,697 --> 00:16:43,566
and nothing fun is happening!
379
00:16:43,567 --> 00:16:46,302
Home wrecker!
380
00:16:46,302 --> 00:16:47,803
You know, fine!
381
00:16:47,804 --> 00:16:50,706
Maybe I like the way they make me feel.
382
00:16:50,707 --> 00:16:52,908
But you... you were so high on success,
383
00:16:52,909 --> 00:16:55,043
you were willing to let Han OD!
384
00:16:55,044 --> 00:16:57,980
Or, at least, get really,
really hyper-active.
385
00:16:57,981 --> 00:17:01,451
So what? You don't care
about me, Max, do you?
386
00:17:01,451 --> 00:17:02,652
(laughs)
387
00:17:02,653 --> 00:17:05,421
No.
388
00:17:05,422 --> 00:17:06,521
Maybe a little.
389
00:17:06,522 --> 00:17:09,325
(both gasp)
390
00:17:09,326 --> 00:17:11,961
See how your addiction has
affected me, Caroline?
391
00:17:11,961 --> 00:17:14,430
I just had to admit I care about Han!
392
00:17:14,431 --> 00:17:16,633
Now I'm flying high on that!
393
00:17:16,634 --> 00:17:19,368
I'm gonna go try to finish my stamp.
394
00:17:19,369 --> 00:17:21,604
Perhaps some hot cocoa would help.
395
00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:23,571
Administered rectally, of course.
396
00:17:25,708 --> 00:17:27,676
SOPHIE: Found it!
397
00:17:27,678 --> 00:17:29,311
Sophie?
398
00:17:29,313 --> 00:17:32,448
Is there anyone we know
not in this alley?
399
00:17:32,449 --> 00:17:35,317
I found Barbara's bedazzler.
400
00:17:35,318 --> 00:17:38,520
Oh, yeah, it's all about her now.
401
00:17:38,521 --> 00:17:41,824
Oh, you can't be gorgeous
and be a good mother.
402
00:17:41,825 --> 00:17:44,493
Just look at Neil Patrick Harris.
403
00:17:44,494 --> 00:17:48,364
Well, I think he's very charming
and I think you're being unfair.
404
00:17:48,365 --> 00:17:51,000
This might be what's left of
my nails talking, but Sophie,
405
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,269
if you're not decked out with
your boobs half showing,
406
00:17:53,269 --> 00:17:56,471
are you really setting the
right example for Barbara?
407
00:17:56,472 --> 00:17:59,509
Oh, from this side of the dumpster,
408
00:17:59,509 --> 00:18:02,278
you're making a lot of sense, girl.
409
00:18:02,278 --> 00:18:03,546
You really are.
410
00:18:03,547 --> 00:18:05,214
Are you gonna start brushing your teeth
411
00:18:05,215 --> 00:18:06,682
and putting the seat down?
412
00:18:06,683 --> 00:18:07,915
No.
413
00:18:14,455 --> 00:18:15,856
Here's your flan-tini.
414
00:18:15,857 --> 00:18:18,066
And here's my flan-tini.
415
00:18:18,067 --> 00:18:20,201
Good to be back.
416
00:18:20,201 --> 00:18:22,671
Well, I tried, but I can't find Clint.
417
00:18:22,672 --> 00:18:25,640
I feel like every man
I've ever had sex with.
418
00:18:25,641 --> 00:18:28,576
We don't need Clint
or his stupid cacao.
419
00:18:28,576 --> 00:18:31,680
Uh, although, his podcast
was pretty interesting.
420
00:18:31,681 --> 00:18:35,583
Those girls he worked for
sounded like nightmares.
421
00:18:35,584 --> 00:18:38,353
I'm gonna have one, two, three Sprites.
422
00:18:38,354 --> 00:18:40,255
We're getting wild tonight.
423
00:18:40,256 --> 00:18:41,855
Coming right up, Bill the Dealer.
424
00:18:41,856 --> 00:18:43,557
Oh, it's just Bill now.
425
00:18:43,558 --> 00:18:45,859
I accidentally butt-dialed
my wife during a major
426
00:18:45,861 --> 00:18:47,796
Pepcid AC drop.
427
00:18:47,797 --> 00:18:49,195
She took the minivan.
428
00:18:52,634 --> 00:18:56,403
Hey, everybody!
429
00:18:56,404 --> 00:18:59,307
No, it's not Suzanne Somers.
430
00:18:59,307 --> 00:19:01,241
It's me, Sophie!
431
00:19:01,242 --> 00:19:03,778
Wow, Sophie got her sexy back.
432
00:19:03,778 --> 00:19:07,182
Yeah, and front and under.
433
00:19:07,182 --> 00:19:10,085
Sophie, you deserve a flan-tini.
434
00:19:10,086 --> 00:19:11,653
And so do I.
435
00:19:11,653 --> 00:19:14,489
Oh, you know what,
I did what you told me to do
436
00:19:14,490 --> 00:19:17,625
and I dropped baby Barbara off
at the trainer/babysitter,
437
00:19:17,625 --> 00:19:21,628
and I had a bunch of Korean
ladies go to town on me.
438
00:19:21,630 --> 00:19:23,263
Hey, where's Oleg?
439
00:19:23,265 --> 00:19:24,730
I told him to meet me here.
440
00:19:28,135 --> 00:19:29,938
Sophie?
441
00:19:29,939 --> 00:19:31,573
You look as beautiful as the day
442
00:19:31,574 --> 00:19:34,541
we first did it on the sink.
443
00:19:34,542 --> 00:19:37,846
Damn straight, I do!
444
00:19:37,846 --> 00:19:40,882
Yo, what's with the
white people's clothes?
445
00:19:40,883 --> 00:19:43,751
Yeah, what's going on?
I can't even see any nipple.
446
00:19:43,752 --> 00:19:46,421
But somehow, it's worse.
447
00:19:46,422 --> 00:19:49,391
Sophie, I want you to see
that we don't have to be
448
00:19:49,392 --> 00:19:51,558
the sexy couple anymore.
449
00:19:51,559 --> 00:19:52,894
Anymore?
450
00:19:52,894 --> 00:19:54,762
When were you guys the sexy couple?
451
00:19:54,763 --> 00:19:57,664
That weekend you went to Amish Country?
452
00:19:57,665 --> 00:19:59,768
Oh, yeah.
453
00:19:59,769 --> 00:20:02,470
Do you remember when we
did it in that buggy
454
00:20:02,471 --> 00:20:04,471
in front of that family?
455
00:20:04,472 --> 00:20:09,277
Oh, I bet they wish they
had a camera for that.
456
00:20:09,278 --> 00:20:11,445
You want to go do it in the bathroom...
457
00:20:11,446 --> 00:20:12,913
buggy-style?
458
00:20:12,914 --> 00:20:16,651
Oh, I'm gonna pretend that Jebediah
459
00:20:16,652 --> 00:20:18,886
is turning away in shame.
460
00:20:18,887 --> 00:20:21,188
I'm gonna pretend he isn't.
461
00:20:23,825 --> 00:20:27,327
I guess we're scrubbing
down our bathroom later.
462
00:20:27,328 --> 00:20:28,462
We're heading out.
463
00:20:28,463 --> 00:20:30,330
It's almost 8:00.
464
00:20:30,332 --> 00:20:32,467
Here's my last bag of cacao.
465
00:20:32,468 --> 00:20:34,201
I can't do anything with it,
466
00:20:34,202 --> 00:20:36,203
not with my cholesterol.
467
00:20:36,204 --> 00:20:38,173
A tiny baggie of cacao?
468
00:20:38,173 --> 00:20:39,941
What're we gonna do with this?
469
00:20:39,942 --> 00:20:41,875
Same thing I do with any powder I find:
470
00:20:41,876 --> 00:20:43,576
see what all the fuss is about.
471
00:20:46,181 --> 00:20:48,950
Mmm.
472
00:20:48,951 --> 00:20:50,683
- Not hating it.
- Mm-mm. No.
473
00:20:52,186 --> 00:20:53,721
(gasps)
474
00:20:53,721 --> 00:20:55,522
Holding out on me?
475
00:20:55,523 --> 00:20:58,393
You skrank skanks!
476
00:20:58,394 --> 00:21:00,728
- I'm coming in!
- (both scream)
477
00:21:00,729 --> 00:21:03,330
♪
478
00:21:03,332 --> 00:21:04,664
(cash register dings)
479
00:21:04,765 --> 00:21:12,624
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.