You scored yourself a nice corner. Good job.
Hi. I'm Maura Ellis.
I'm not part of a religious group or anything.
I'm just a nurse who likes to give back on her days off.
You know, when you're living outdoors,
skin cancer is a real concern.
So I got you some sunscreen,
and you, my friend, have some irregular moles.
You're a very friendly person.
Wanna come to my house and take a shower?
Maybe make a list of goals?
Oh, I have a girlfriend.
Great. It's important to have a lady out there in the street.
What do you call it, a road bitch or something?
Her name's Karen.
Your little mama? Your street wife?
(SIGHS) Anyway,
I'm pretty good with sayings,
so I make these cards for my sister, but I think maybe you could use one.
Without the dark night, we would never see the bright stars.
Is this from Twilight?
No, I made it up.
Mmm, no, you didn't.
Yeah, I did.
See you later.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
Hey!
You're not homeless?
You were on a roll.
Well, give me back the sunscreen
so I can give it to an actual homeless person!
Like this lady.
Fuck off! I'm the manager here.
0 for 2.
MAURA: Polenta! Come get your dinner.
(LAPTOP RINGING)
Mom?
Hi. Can you hear me'? (MEOWING)
BUCKY: Hiya, kid. What are you up to today?
Dad, come in front of the camera so I can see you.
DEANNA: How are things at the hospital, honey?
We heard that Atlanta had a terrible storm.
Garage sale. Okay.
Can you guys both sit in front of the camera when you talk
so that I can see you and hear you at the same time?
We don? Get this Skype crap. There's nothing to get.
You're doing it. DEANNA: Maura,
we have some news.
Maura, we have some news.
Oh, my God. Who's sick? BUCKY: Oh, for cry-eye, Maura.
Relax!
We decided
to sell the house.
Yeah, okay. Funny joke. What's the news?
We are. We're selling it.
The one we grew up in?
Are you selling it to each other?
No, honey.
Why would you do that? DEANNA: We don't want it anymore.
It's too big. Look, if this is some kind
of financial thing, I can help you out with money.
DEANNA: No, honey.
All we need you to do is to come and clean out your bedroom
because it's a bottomless pit.
Okay. I can come. Just don't make a move until I get there.
Does Kate know about this?
BUCKY: We haven'! Told her yet.
You two take news so differently.
We wondered if maybe
you should tell hen.
Because we don? Want to.
Why do I always have to be the one?
Oh, shit.
I think you guys froze. Hold on. Can you hear me?
Hello?
You're blinking. You're fake freezing.
Unbelievable. Just call her. You're her parents.
(SNEEZES)
Dad! Let it go.
KATE: See, where most stylists blow it is they color your hair
but they leave your Santa eyebrows. Hmm.
They half-ass it, but I'm a perfectionist.
Thank you.
So why are we covering this gray today, Phil?
Well, I have a date with an engaging new gal, somewhat younger than me.
Good for you, because ladies your age are gross, right?
Well, I just hope it looks natural. It smells very strong.
No. It's super gentle. They use it on pageant babies.
Mom! I'm home!
(SHRIEKS)
My daughter's home! She has been gone half the summer.
I'll be right back. If it feels like it's burning, it's working.
(BOTH SHRIEKING)
Wow! (LAUGHS AND SHRIEKS)
(GRUNTS) You have been gone for so long! Did you get taller?
I've only been gone a month, and I stopped growing a long time ago.
Um, is this supposed to be getting warm?
Let it cook, Phil.
HALEY: Um...
Mom?
Why are you doing some guy's hair in the bathroom?
P.S. this does not feel right. Hello.
(HISSING)
Why aren't you doing it in a salon?
Please don't tell me you quit your job again.
I didn't quit! All right.
You know that dipshit lady on Channel Eleven
who does the segments where she tries new things?
Yeah. Go on. Well, she wanted bangs,
but then afterwards she decided that she didn't want bangs.
And my manager started bitching me out,
so I shoved him and his American Girl Doll glasses broke.
Okay. So you got fired.
Why do you keep doing this, Mom?
You wanna have a cereal party?
No, I don't. I want you to be responsible so that I don't have to be.
It is too stressful
sleeping with you on a pull-out couch in your friend's dining room.
She is not my friend. She was our bug man.
I need to learn to be more irresponsible
otherwise I'm going to be hazed so bad in college.
It's bubbling like Pop Rocks.
I'm gonna stay at Annie's house again. All right.
Okay, that's a lie because Annie is in Italy with her family.
I know how to use Facebook.
I will keep sending you pictures so that you know that I'm safe.
No. You cannot just leave again and not tell me where you are.
You know why I don't tell you where I'm going?
Because you'll show up there and you'll make a big scene like a hothead!
I am not a hothead! I am brassy.
I love you, Mom, but your life is just too chaotic right now.
It is not chaotic. DANA: Kate!
Is this your waxing strip?
I don't know, Dana. It must be a client's.
My dog had this in his feces.
(WHIMPERS) And before I could stop him
he ate the poop with the waxing strip in it again.
Okay. And then he threw that up.
You know how many times a day I kiss that dog on the mouth?
An unsettling amount.
Now when I kiss him,
I'm gonna picture that he ate
some stranger's pubes.
And it's gonna affect my relationship with him.
KATE: Oh, boy.
All right. Let's bring this in for a landing, Dana.
You get out of here by tomorrow.
(STAMMERS) You're done!
Where the hell am I gonna go? (BARKING)
You wanna explain that to my daughter?
Haley? (CELL PHONE RINGING)
Shit.
(SHOUTS) Haley?
Haley!
Okay, Haley, just come back up, and we will talk about this.
Hey, it's me.
Hello? This is very unprofessional.
Hey. I can't talk right now.
Real quick. Mom and Dad called.
Ugh, what now?
What's up? Everything all right?
No, I don't need lotion in there. (SHUSHES)
Yeah, you do need lotion in there.
Hey, here's something fun.
Mom and Dad want us to come down.
They need us to clear out some of our old bedroom stuff.
Why? They have other rooms.
MAURA: I don't know. Maybe they wanna get a treadmill.
(SCOFFS) A treadmill? Morn can't even sit right on a couch.
I'm just gonna shape them real quick. All right.
Yeah, no. I can't afford to come to Orlando right now.
Well, I'll send you money for the flight.
Come to Orlando. Ellis sisters reunion.
Corning home always makes things better.
That's actually a really good idea.
Tell me the truth.
Next stop, Orlando Airport. Thank you for riding Greyhound.
AIRPORT ANNOUNCER ON PA: Please maintain contact with your baggage.
All unattended baggage will be confiscated.
Hey. Could I get a small glass of tequila?
Like a shot of tequila?
Yeah, a shot. Just keeping it classy.
Paging Mr. Herman.
Oh, Mr. Pee-wee Herman!
(KATE SHRIEKS)
Look at you. Hi!
MAURA: Look at you. KATE: Uh-uh, uh-uh.
What's going on? Nothing.
Wow, turn it around. This is soft. (CHUCKLES)
You look great. No.
I look like a dead deer bloated on the highway.
No. You look like a pretty deer who's still alive.
Mmm. But also, just recently hit.
(SNORTING)
Your hair is long! It's so mermaid-y.
Oh, I got a whole intricate sewn-in system under there, but it's human.
Okay, well, you have to be careful when you get fake hair
because some countries give their young girls chicken hormones
and make them grow it in their basements. (SCOFFS)
Do they get paid? Because I would do that.
Hey, honey. I'm sure you're out having fun
but I'm dying to see that photo you were gonna send me.
She's having such a great summer, but I think she's getting homesick.
I'm sure she misses you. I miss her.
Like, in my body.
Mmm. She'll be back soon.
What's your deal? Been doing anything fun?
Yeah. Rescue dogs have so many hidden skills.
I've been teaching Polenta how to smell diabetes.
You've been divorced for two years.
You should at least be going to Chili's with your work friends
or some such basic shit,
instead of spending the night on Skype dates with Mom and Dad.
I've been having a lot of fun.
I've been teaching myself how to make cheese.
I'm fine. I'm really good. I'm real good.
What about you? Do you have a job or a place to live?
I got an idea that's gonna solve everything. Haley's gonna flip.
What's your idea?
I think we should move down here and live with Mom and Dad for a while.
(RADIO VOLUME INCREASES)
(BOTH SINGING) Give a little bit of heart and sou!
Give a little hi! Of love in grow.
Give a little bit of heart and soul...
(BOTH MUMBLING LYRICS)
Holy Moses with his balls out.
Is that Kate Ellis I'm looking at?
Maybe.
(LAUGHS) Hey, look at you.
Come on, Dave Blackmon! I was a senior, you were a junior.
I lingered back so we could be seniors together?
You were my first non-hand I ever did it with.
Oh, my God. Yes. I swallowed your earring.
That was a true honor.
Aw, thank you. Thank you.
Wow. Somebody told me you died.
That's crazy. That's the second person that's said that to me.
Hmm, you should check it out.
You know, I'm a known alcoholic in this area
but I still talk about those Ellis Island parties, baby. (VOCALIZES)
Such good times, right?
Yeah. You scaling that fireplace with them heels?
Oh, man. That was a beautiful sight, baby.
And who's this fine-ass female?
Hi, Dave. I'm Maura, Kate's younger sister.
I held your mullet back one time when you were vomiting at our party
so you wouldn't impale your face on our cactus garden.
(LAUGHING) No. Shit. Those were fun times, though, huh?
Yeah. You know, in a way.
You sure bloomed into a juicy peach, holy...
Thank you, Dave.
KATE: So is this your liquor store?
Oh, you know, I got some stock, I got some handshake options.
Because you heard what happened, right?
My mobile townhouse got ate by a sinkhole.
No. Eaten by a sinkhole?
Mmm-hmm. That is a Florida heartbreak.
Wow, the Ellis sisters, man. What a sandwich that would be, huh?
If I could tell my friends that that went down-(LAUGHS) Oh, man.
What do you think?
Who? Oh... (CHUCKLES)
Just putting it out there. Listen, life is about putting it out there.
And then swatting it away. Isn't it?
Sometimes it stays out there. Where you put it.
And then sometimes it goes right into the trash.
So that's, like, a no. I understand.
I think we should go. Great to see you, Dave.
Just putting it out there. Yeah, okay.
KATE: Nice to see you, man. I'm glad you're alive.
Thank you. You look, uh, weathered.
You look like underpass weathered.
DAVE: Yeah. Thank you, I guess. Yeah.
So listen, is there, like, um, friends and family discount at this place?
Oh, yeah. Two finger discount.
(KATE CHUCKLES) MAURA: Oh...
That made my legs feel weird. Just unbridled filth.
MAURA: Gross! DAVE: Hey, you know how it is. (LAUGHS)
KATE: Bye, Dave! Whoo!
The party just got back to O-Town!
MAURA: (SHOUTING) Okay!
It's cicada season, so keep your mouth shut. Whoo!
(KATE AND MAURA CHEERING)
KATE: Are you ready for this jelly, Whorelando?
MAURA: (SHOUTING) Yeah!
MAURA: Hey! (KATE CHEERING)
(MAURA AND KATE CHEERING)
KATE: Ellis sisters in the house!
Hey!
Oh, sweaty man. We have to flirt.
Slow it down for a groove-by.
Hey.
What urp? Hey.
Burying your wife?
(CHUCKLES) Um... KATE: Can I ask you something?
My sister and I... Hey.
Are busy professionals, looking for an "yard artisan"
to do some work on our bushes?
You are working. We will not bother you. Sorry.
KATE: (WHISPERING) Jump on my bush joke.
I just made that up! Put another Jenga on it.
I bet working on other people's bushes really makes you wanna whack your weeds.
That was dirtier than I thought.
I'm sorry. That got dirty really fast.
Don't apologize, I like that.
I actually own this house.
You live here with your wife?
Your wife's a bitch for not helping you.
JAMES: Uh, I...
I'm single, actually. Oh'
Well, we're not making fun of you.
We're flirting with you, because you're really sweaty.
I'm a solid guy. I don't mind being the butt of your jokes.
Good. You will be the butt of our jokes, because your butt is no joke.
Okay.
MAURA: I'm not laughing at that butt. I'll laugh with your butt.
I'm gonna laugh in that butt.
I'm gonna laugh.
(INHALES) I'm gonna... I love to...
My butt's funny, too,
but your butt is really serious.
Your butt is like an hour-long drama.
Your butt's as serious as The Wire.
MAURA: I mean, I can't wait to watch your butt on DVD.
I'm gonna binge-watch your butt when I have the flu.
Time to drive away. Great.
Yeah, um, so...
You ever buy Poppin' Fresh Dough? Yeah.
Remember the sound it makes? JAMES: Yeah.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
KATE: And that's how you do it. MAURA: (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.
What the hell is a sold sign doing on our front yard?
MAURA: Sold?
No!
They talked about putting it on the market.
Did you know about this and not tell me'?
Why don't people tell me things?
They spoke to me about it, and we were considering it.
They fucking sold our fucking childhood fucking home.
I can't believe they did this without consulting me.
This home should have been passed on.
I'll talk them out of it. It's okay. It's not okay!
Because my great idea just got fucked in the a-hole!
Welcome to my life!
(GRUNTING)
Damn it. Shit!
(SCREAMING) Fuck! Shit, fuck!
Balls!
KATE: What the...
Totally shady.
Where are the curtains with the fruit on them?
She was gonna give all this stuff away?
I'm sorry, I'm keeping this colander.
KATE: Heartless.
Where's the fucking manatee lamp I made?
(KATE WRETCHES)
I'm sorry.
This was not our doing.
They were gonna give away the foldy yardstick?
Absolutely hell no.
KATE: Where in the hell are Mom's tiny, ceramic shoes?
MAURA: This is just so not okay.
So now some asshole family gets to play in our sister tree?
Fuck no.
Where are our parents?
KATE: This nursing home better not smell urine-y, like a death-cafeteria.
It's not a nursing home, it's an adult community.
Ifs called Village Du Soleil,
which in French means "in the sun."
Old people aren't supposed to be in the sun! So stupid.
Yeah, Mom and Dad, eat a pyramid of dicks.
Sit on a bunch of pinecones.
If I see Mom in one of those one-chair beauty shops,
I will full-out BJ a hot curling iron.
Rowdy seniors and booze by a lake? That's a recipe for disaster.
If they have shower chairs at this granny farm,
I will slit my throat and put it on YouTube.
MAURA: You failed to mention your plan.
Why didn't you tell me that you sold the house?
Because we knew you'd try to talk us out of it.
I mean, you were pushy kids.
You're selling your clocks, by the way?
What, are you secretly dying?
No, I'm not dying. I'm just sick of winding them.
Hey, I want Pop-Pop's grandfather clock.
Where are you going to keep it? In your purse?
The things in that house meant something to us.
Each one of those objects is a puzzle piece in the story of our lives.
We just don't want clutter anymore.
Then what the fuck is this?
MAURA: Clutter? You don't want clutter?
Clutter has a name.
And it's Pogee, the Christmas Tree Elf.
You take him. We're gonna get a tabletop tree.
(GROANING AND SCREAMING)
DEANNA: Honestly... MAURA: We can't have Christmas here!
It feels good to purge.
And we downloaded all our pictures!
You threw away our baby pictures?
No!
We sold them to the gay man at the flea market
who turns them into funny cards.
And your father put them on this.
So I just stick this up my vagina
and then I can see the pictures?
Oh, Katherine Anne. Stop. What'?
She's being funny, because this is so crazy.
What I think we all need to do is go to lunch.
And then we can discuss if selling the house is the best plan for us.
"Us" is happy with the decision. Mmm?
DEANNA: You two go whoop it up.
No, don't go whoop it up. It's all spiffed out.
It needs to stay that way for the inspection on Monday.
DEANNA: Honestly... MAURA: We can't have Christmas here!
I can't go to the bathroom at restaurants. You know that.
All right, all right. I understand.
If she's gonna poop at the house, I wanna poop at the house.
Yeah... All rig ht, you can both poop at the house.
I like Arby's.
You know, let's just all agree that this is a bad idea.
Listen to me. We're gonna take you to dinner tomorrow night.
Not gonna spend one last night together in the house?
Okay, I think... Maura, cool it.
It's a done deal.
Done.
I got lured down here for this?
I don't clean up after myself anymore. I'm an adult.
(SIGHS)
This is gonna be deeply painful.
(SIGHS)
Oh, boy.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(SING-SONG) Holy shit.
Gimme!
Ooh, listen to this.
(READING) "I got in a wreck because I was admiring"
"the shoulder hickey that Brett gave me
"and got t-boned by a parked car.
"Brett came over to comfort me and I'm so obsessed with him."
"His face smells like Sea Breeze"
"and his hair is so long that when I make outwith him"
"I pretend it's a scarf."
"P.S. I might be pregnant."
That shit is juicy. Read yours.
Okay.
(SNIFFS)
(READING) "I changed the grit on my rock tumbler today."
"The amethyst is really shaping up."
"I'm gonna mount it in a bolo tie for Dylan."
"He got a new neck brace to stretch his melting vertebrae."
"He loved his birthday card."
"Especially how I burnt the edges of the scroll."
"P.S. Crafting heals."
Huh.
KATE: (READING) "Last night at the party, I danced so hard my bra was soaking wet."
"Jeff and I were flirting, and then he said, 'Let me show you something.'"
"So we went to my room, and guess what he showed me?"
"A ween that is still wearing its hat."
Mmm. Your mm.
Wow. How many times did you have sex in this house?
KATE: You should have had sex here.
Having sex in your childhood bedroom is a rite of passage.
You chose the party mom role to protect yourself from fun.
No! I was not afraid of fun.
Here, check this out.
(READING) "Happy birthday to me."
"My party was amazing. I got what I asked for."
"I am now a sponsor of a child in Ecuador."
"I was the designated driver because I could tell no one else wanted to be."
"My favorite birthday gift was knowing everyone got home safe."
KATE: (READING) "Last night was so fun I can't even talk about it."
"There are no, period, words, period."
Man, I couldn't even talk about it!
(READING) "I took my deaf friend to the Sheila E. Concert"
"so she could really feel the music."
"She was so grateful."
"I didn't smoke pot because I was afraid there wasn't enough for everyone..."
Oh, come on.
I miss those goddamn glory days.
Well, clearly' we had different experiences.
Oh, here's a play-by-play of a Jerry Lewis telethon.
Here's a chart of all the penises I ever saw.
Oh, good. Here's a quote from Helen Keller.
Here's really incorrect information about how to put a IUD in.
Here's a list of my houseplants.
Put it in my butt. Ew.
I swear I was having fun.
I guess I was just making sure the house didn't get destroyed.
It's a damn shame that you never had your night here.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH MUSIC BOX)
We cannot have a party.
A party? (SCOFFS)
That's a great idea. No.
You can't avoid putting yourself out there forever!
You're gonna dry up like a granny apple doll.
The house is sold.
No, it's networking.
Kate! Don't make that face.
Do not work me like this! I hate it when you make me the bummer.
My life is super shitty right now. I need to feel happy again.
Ah... (GROANS)
Fine. Let's just brush our remaining teeth
and call it a sad, hard day for two dusty old twats.
Because we're done.
(SIGHS)
(LULLABY PLAYING THROUGH NIGHTLIGHT)
Also? P.S. It would be such an easy way for you to pop your post-divorce flirt cherry.
I would love to see you let it rip.
You're such a fun as shit little sister.
I really am so fun.
I shouldn't keep that to myself. No, you shouldn't!
(MUFFLED) I think maybe we should do it.
Can't hear you.
I said maybe we should have a party.
KATE: Say what I wanna hear, girl!
MAURA: (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. I don't know!
Okay, let's do it. (SCREAMS) Let's have a party!
(BOTH CHEERING)
Oh, and you can invite that cute neighbor guy
and you can finally have sex in your old, crappo bed!
Yeah, but he's younger than me.
Yeah, but he's taller than you, and that's all that matters.
Oh, my God. I need this night to reset myself!
(YELLING) We are having a party!
(BOTH YELLING)
(LAUGHS)
(CLOCKS CHIMING)
(MUMBLES) How'd you sleep?
I dreamt I had no job and no place to live.
Oh, wait.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES) Got a picture from Haley.
Well, Her friend has a fancy-ass fireplace in her house.
MAURA: No, it's one of those Cosi Sandwich Shops.
(VEHICLE APPROACHING) Oh. Who the crap is that'?
MAURA: Are those the new owners?
KATE: Ew. Fuck my life. MAURA: Gross!
MRS. GEERNT: I want the front yard to be open-concept.
MR. GEERNT: That old tree has gotta go.
Oh, you just try to take down our sister tree, you stupid stinkbug!
KATE: I can smell that bitch's hairspray from here.
No, they can't fucking roll in here like Jehovah's Witnesses!
(MAURA STAMMERS) KATE: Rude.
What?
Can we help you? Yes.
Our secretary didn't tell us that we had an appointment.
Oh, I'm Patrick Campbell. This is Jane and Henry Geernt.
They' re relocating from New York City and buying this house.
So, are you their interpreter?
If so, please tell them hello for us.
They just want to see what these blues look like on the sun porch.
What do you mean? Sun porch? PATRICK: Mmm-hmm.
Are you even old enough to get a mortgage?
Oh, yes. But we're buying it with cash.
You're painting the sun porch? No.
It's a little "country" for us.
Can you let your parents know that if things like this aren't fixed by Monday,
we're gonna have a real issue following through with the sale.
(STAMMERS) Yeah. That won't be okay.
I got a question.
What percentage of your ward robe is dry clean only?
Seventy-eight?
You guys seem like you wear a lot of linen.
What kind of hot moron paints a sun porch?
Why don't you just put a toilet in the living room and call it a day?
Crazy!
Is that dress from Target?
Um, no... 'Cause I've seen one like it at Target.
I've never been there before.
You know there was a murder here, right?
No. What? I don't.
Major cult stuff. Yeah.
What, like a mass murder?
Seven? Okay.
Seven sets of twins.
So, 14. I'm sorry. What?
You know your cousin's gay, right?
That's not my cousin. That's my husband.
That's your husband?
You're gonna have some surprising shit go down in about 10 years.
You ever feel like maybe you peaked too soon?
No, I don't. 'Cause ifs a long life.
And I would hate to see you out there blowing hobos at 40.
Thank you.
Blue?
What would possess a person to paint stained wood blue?
What, were you raised on a tugboat?
I'll drop off the paint later. Unless you'll be day-napping.
We sleep with our eyes open, like sharks.
KATE: Bye! Nice to meet you!
MAURA: Smell you later.
KATE: What kind of last name is Geernt?
Geernt. Sounds like a queef on a yoga ball.
Yeah. More like the last sound you hear before you shit your pants.
(YELLS) Oh, my God. (GASPS) Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
(BOTH LAUGH)
MAURA: Okay. Let's start working on those invites.
Okay, let's see who we got. Okay.
KATE: Vicka Bastione. MAURA: Yeah.
No on Alex. He's always on. It's annoying as fuck.
I know. He breaks my heart. He wants to be funny, though.
Yeah, well, people in hell want ice water, too.
Dave. I did him because he disgusted me in a sexy way.
Short Hispanic guys always acted like I was Xena.
I bet he has, like, 50 DUls right now.
KATE: Brinda is a hard no.
That monster and her minions are not coming.
Why is she a monster?
KATE: She knows what she did.
Okay. Rob and Liz!
KATE: They used to have sex in the weirdest places.
MAURA: He took her from behind in line at graduation.
They could use a party. They are terminally suburban.
KATE: Kelly. That bitch is fun.
Yeah. Kelly is fun!
Kelly is fun.
(CLICKING)
So, we should go! We have so much to do.
You have to invite that cute guy from down the street.
Mmm. Maybe. I don't know. We'll see.
Have a great day, Fran.
Oh, my God. It's Brinda.
KATE: Ugh...
Brinda always looks like she has a fart coming out sideways.
I feel bad that we didn't invite her. I hate it when people aren't included.
Oh, God. What if she asks us to come to the party?
I'm not gonna be able to say no to her face.
You know I can't reject people. I have a dog with one eye.
Here she comes. She's coming close. She's right here.
She's almost here. She's here now.
Hey, Brinda. What up'?
Well, well, well.
I thought I saw the Ellis sisters.
Hey, Brinda. What have you been up to?
Not party-wise, just life in general.
Not much. Just, you know, building a career.
Being successful and having a really full and wonderful life.
I'm very blessed.
I'm sure you've seen around town, I'm a pretty successful realtor now.
I'm plastered all over the bus stops.
Congratulations. Thank you.
I thought you were missing. I saw your picture on the bus stop.
I just assumed you were missing.
And you? What are you up to'? Nothing?
We are on the way to a shelter to give people this party food.
Oh, is that why you're dressed like the homeless?
What are you buying? Stool softener?
No. Actually, um, Diet Coke.
Got some Poise Pads in there I see.
Good. Little asshole cream. No.
Don't you look great. That's a snazzy belt.
Oh, thank you!
Yeah, congrats on your wrestling championship.
It's Ralph Lauren.
Is that how you say it? Uh, yeah.
Do you get good Wi-Fi with that?
So I see you're having a party.
I mean, we're just kind of picking...
Yep. Having a party. Yeah.
I heard you were having a party.
From someone who got invited.
You were on our list, but you're very hard to track down.
MAURA: Are you on email?
Uh, it's B-dot-rinda...
That's what I did wrong. I forgot the dot.
And we forgot to type it. (STAMMERING)
And also we didn't send it.
(CHUCKLES) I must admit,
when I heard you were having an Ellis Island party
I was like, "What? What year is it?"
It's pretty sad.
It used to hurt me when you never invited me to any of your parties,
but I did a lot of thinking and a little bit of prayer,
and now I just feel sort of bad for you two.
You know, because it's such a desperate event.
(LAUGHS) Bye.
You're a desperate event!
I can still hear you!
KATE: Good. Can you hear this?
Suck a fucking bag of dicks!
She can't hear that.
KATE: Strutting around Big Lots like it's Bloomingdale's
in her bullshit shoes.
Real estate bitch acting like Suze Orman.
You know what she has? Crabs in her eyebrows.
Tumbleweeds rolling across her beav.
I am done wasting words on that ho.
I'm sorry, Vicky. Don't apologize for me.
Is Vicky your real name?
What's your Korean name?
(WHISPERS) Hae-Won.
Hae-Won. What a beautiful name. What does that mean?
Hae-Won mean "head".
Oh.
Has-Won? Am I saying it correctly?
Hae-Won.
Oh, Hae-Won.
No. Hae-Won.
Hae-Won.
Not Hae-Won. Hae-Won.
Hae-Won. No. Hae-Won.
Hae-Won. Hae-Won.
I feel like I'm saying it right. No?
I'm too high. (DEEP VOICE) Hae-Hae-Won.
Yes.
It's not coming out right, but I'll get it.
Like, "I'm having fun at party."
"Hey." Plus "one."
Hey one.
So you like parties. HAE-WON: Yes.
Hmm.
Your name? Oh, my name is Maura.
Maura.
Watch me. Maura.
(GROWLING) Maura.
I don't open my mouth like that. (CHUCKLES) Just, Maura.
Maura.
It's not Maura.
You see the difference in my mouth? Maura.
(GROWLING) Maura.
We have different mouths.
It's okay.
Why do they always have to give them American names? It's so sad.
I bet Nail Pimp Daddy over there treats them like his whores.
We need to get Lucy Liu to go under... Lisa Ling.
Lisa Ling to go undercover and investigate these dirty-ass nail salons.
But they are hiring and you are licensed to do nails.
I don't wanna work here. They have a bass in their aquarium.
It's beautiful here. Everything smells like lavender.
Plus, you could leach them a lot, because you know your shit.
I do know my shit.
I could French manicure a chicken while it was running away.
Guess I could get something better once we're settled, right?
Exactly! And then just wait until you get that better job
before you quit this one.
I'm open to new ways.
Your sister?
Yes, that's my sister.
You're older.
No. Yes.
Why would you say that?
Your face.
Oh.
Older.
No. Yes.
Okay.
(SIGHS) So, do you like working here?
I love it.
Do you get proper lunch breaks?
What is lunch?
Oh, my God. That's terrible.
Hey.
Thank you so much for this. This is a great place.
NAIL SALON OWNER: Of course.
So, uh, I see you're hiring.
Oh, we are not hiring right now.
You just got a big old sign.
Hey, Hae-Won. Would you like to come to a party tonight?
You and your friends come, okay?
To do nail?
Oh, no. No, no, no. Party?
You can bring whoever you want.
Party, yes.
Sojus. Jews.
Soju there? Sure. There'll be Jews there.
Love jus. Koreans love jus.
Koreans love Jews.
I love jus. I love Jews, too.
Jus.
Adam is thinking of coming, and Gabe is on the fence, so...
Soju.
I'm worried we aren't talking about the same thing.
Juice. Drinking juice. HAE-WON: Jus.
You stupid.
There'll be juice there. There'll be food there. There'll be Jews there.
Okay. Yes. Great.
Okay, listen. My daughter and I are moving to Orlando
and I really need a job.
Oh, no.
Okay, look. Just smile and shake my hand like you gave me a job
and I will text you a picture of my boobs.
Real good ones. High and happy.
No? I misread your deal.
Smile and shake my hand.
(WHISPERING) or I will text you a picture of my boobs,
and I know you don't wanna see them.
(CHUCKLES)
Awesome! Thank you, Vicky.
I will see you on Monday.
Boom! I got a job.
And look what I pulled out of your wallet. "Success is desire in action."
Amazing! You're crushing it!
Whoo!
KATE: We need to cancel dinner with Mom and Dad.
What if we lie to Mom and Dad and then they die in their sleep?
Don't let them smell your guilt.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Girls.
Hey, Mom, we are doing so much work over there
and doing nothing else, and I am telling the truth.
Well.
I was just, urn, putting the silverware in the drawers here.
Hey, we can't have dinner tonight.
Yeah, because we're in such packing mode we don't wanna stop our groove.
Sounds good!
Oh.
No. We've...
Okay!
KATE: Bye. We're leaving!
Did we just cock block our parents'?
They were fresh off the sex griddle.
There was so much color in her face.
Hey, see you tonight! You know, I'm laying down a bread base. (CHUCKLES)
So I wanna stop by Sam and Gray's house, real quick.
Oh, I haven't seen those homos since high school!
I know.
They said that we could borrow those cool chairs they had at their wedding.
Gays know how to throw a party.
Go to Costco, get a pan of hot wings.
Get some big, basic salamis.
Or just make a fuckload of potato salad.
With Tostitos Scoops.
It's like a spoon you can eat.
Obviously, it's the gay men who have the great party ideas.
I wish being gay was a choice because I always did like that shorts and boots look.
Yeah, I don't know.
For me, the deal breaker might be the eating of the pussy.
Oh, really? Because for me it would just be the fucking unbearable amount of talking.
BYE, guys!
(EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING)
Hmm, what do you think, Brayla?
That looks amazing on you.
I never met a Brayla before.
I know, like, three.
Oh, so you're trending. God bless.
You know, it's a lot of under teat but I think I'm getting away with it.
Also it's, um, on backwards.
You think? Yeah.
How's it going in there?
I don't get this dress.
One of my apples keeps rolling out of the bag.
But I like the story it tells with the fringe.
You're gonna have to rock a thong with this, though.
Oh, no, I don't wear thongs. I have a very fussy taint.
You just have to build up a callus. Right, Brayla?
That looks amazing on you.
I worry that she just wants the sale. She's not telling us the truth.
No. Brayla has no pleasure center in her brain. (CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh, here we go.
Haley! How-slash-where are you?
HALEY: You can trust me.
I am at a friend's house.
So I go! Your text message
about moving in with Gram and Gramps, and you know I love Orlando.
I'm super excited about this!
Yeah, you know what? I was real excited about it, too,
and it turns out that Gram and Gramps are selling their house.
Oh...
Okay, I like that it has a strong message,
but I am afraid that I'm gonna zip my bush up in there.
We can still make Orlando happen. I promise, I will find another way.
Don't be upset.
Okay, give it to me.
Hey, honey. It's Maura. Hey.
Listen, your morn forgot to tell you the most important part,
which is that she got a job out here at a very fancy nail salon.
Really? MAURA: Yes.
Try something on.
So I think maybe you should come here earlier next week, and surprise her.
She really misses you.
Aunt Maura, I don't know. I don't know.
Haley, I know I said that I was going to help you for a while,
but now you have to get back with your mother.
I hate keeping secrets.
Especially from my sister. It gives me guilt diarrhea.
Okay. But what should I do with Polenta?
MAURA: The dog-sitters number is on the counter.
Use my credit card, and get a flight, and come here.
It's gonna work this time, honey, I promise.
Okay, if you think so.
I love you. Love you, too.
HALEY: Bye.
Haley's good. It's all fine.
Aw. That's awesome. Thanks.
These dresses are made for Chinese tomboys, by the way.
I don't know about that one.
Really, because what about this part?
(VOCALIZES)
That's a Play-Doh Fun Factory right there. Ooh.
And the eye goes right to it. Yeah, look at that.
(VOCALIZES)
That is flesh, and dudes like that. They don't care what thing it's coming out of.
MAURA: This dress smells like pickles.
Better work.
It just feels like it's maybe one or the other.
I think it's what they call "either/and."
No, I don't. Well...
Right, Brayla? Brayla, where you from?
That looks amazing on you. BOTH: Mmm-hmm.
We got to find another store, they can't handle our heat here.
God. We need, like, a little less "Forever 21" and a little more "Suddenly 42."
Yeah. We are keeping it tight.
It is tight. This is very tight.
Here, give me a kiss.
(KISSING)
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
MAURA: Wait. Where are we going? KATE: One last errand.
Get it, girl. What?
Oh, my God. Damn it. I knew it! You never offer to drive.
Ask him. "Desire needs action," or whatever the fuck that one said.
I don't have my good bra on. I have beef jerky breath.
Okay. Okay.
Hi. Hi.
I'm, uh, Maura, from yonder there.
My sister and I objectified you yesterday?
I remember you.
I'm James. Hi, James.
Do you go by Jimmy?
Usually James, sometimes James.
Well, just wanted to say hello. And that's all I got, so.
(HORN HONKING)
(CHUCKLES) Uh...
Would you borrow me your bathroom?
Number one only.
Of course, come in. You can do whatever you want in there, really.
MAURA: Wow.
I am actually just renovating it, I'm gonna put it on the market.
Wow. You're doing a really nice job. Oh, thank you.
It was my parents' house, but they passed away within a year of each other.
Oh, my God. That's horrible.
Yeah. Yeah, it was really sad.
Are you gonna be okay?
I'm sorry. It's just that's, like, my worst fear.
(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry I told you. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
My legs just went numb.
I'll be okay.
Uh' do you still need the bathroom?
I think I'm too sad to go now.
Yeah, of course.
Okay.
(SIGHS) Hey, who's this guy?
Oh, that's Mashed Potatoes.
I'm pretty mad at him right now.
Hey!
Would you like to flank me at a party
that I'm attending at my own house tonight?
Him or me?
Oh, you. Yeah, yeah.
Ah, maybe. What time?
8230. 8245. 9200.
You know, it doesn't matter. I'm pretty laid back.
Okay, okay. Let me just, uh, check my calendar real quick.
You're lucky. I am free.
(IN FAKE ITALIAN ACCENT) Well, that's a good news!
I'm not Italian. I don't know why I said it like that.
No, I like Italians.
Okay. I'm half-Italian.
No, I'm not. That was a lie.
So, then I... There, yeah. Okay.
You will come to the party
and I cannot stop trailing off.
All right. But I will now.
I'm just gonna casually George Jefferson my way out of here.
To you.
And just gonna ease on down the road and re-run it to the car.
Okay, goodbye. JAMES: Oh!
(CHUCKLES)
Bye!
MAURA: Kate, let me in.
Oh, hello.
Hi. Why?
We were measuring for a pergola.
What, like Polish food? I'm sorry, are you having a party here?
Nope. Nope.
If really looks like you're having a party.
Oh, Gosh. I hate to make you feel like a dick,
but this is actually for a wake.
I am very sorry to hear that.
Yeah. We always told our cousin, "Don't play on the tracks."
Dear God.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Obviously, our cousin was a dumbass.
But we will miss her. Him.
Herm. His name was Herm.
KATE: They found his head, like, a mile away.
I think he's probably gonna haunt the house forever.
Headless and angry. Yeah.
MR. GEERNT: I am not buying that bull waste.
KATE: That's a girl's belt.
Rich people can just decide to move somewhere.
Choke on a roll of cash.
So I've been thinking.
Why?
You've asserted yourself, and you got a job,
so maybe I could give you a loan.
To get a new place.
When you say, "loan, “ do you mean the kind you pay back",
or, like, a "wink-wink" loan?
All loans are supposed to be paid back.
Not in my experience.
But you can do that now because you have a job.
(SING-SONG) I do.
That is an awesome offer. All right!
Okay, wait.
I am going to ask you for something in return for the money,
and I don't want you to think that this loan is contingent on that,
but I will say that if you don't do it,
I feel like I might not give you the money.
Okay. Great. What?
(EXHALES)
It's a lot harder than I thought. Just give me a minute.
Will you be the party mom tonight?
So I can let my freak flag fly?
I would love to.
Yeah?
Because your face is telling me something else.
That would bring me joy.
You know what? Forget it. It'll just get screwed up. I'll do it.
You don't think I can take care of people?
I am an actual mom! I got this!
Okay, but the party mom can't drink.
What fresh fuckery is that?
Does a mother drink at her kid's birthday party?
Yeah, if there's a lifeguard.
No.
It's okay. I don't mind.
Forget it. I'll be fine. It's okay.
(SIGHS)
Okay. I won't drink tonight. You groin it up.
I'll be you. You be me.
Oh, my God. So many red flags! Okay. Let's do this! (SHRIEKS)
When you're flirting with Mr. Man, don't weave your divorce tale.
Drunk people like to show off with fi re. Shut it down.
Over-pronounce things, because he is gonna be watching your mouth.
Remember, don't leave someone when they're throwing up.
Sleep-barfing kills.
Once you're in the bedroom,
lock the door so I can't burst in
and take a commemorative picture.
(SQUEAKING)
Kate, can you clean up this gel' please?
Yes! Stop asking me about it.
(CLOCK CHIMING)
It's that scary time when you're afraid that no one will show up.
It's 8:32. People aren't gonna... (DOORBELL RINGS)
Take it, girl. This is your show.
Hey.
Hey! Hi! Hey!
It's Rob and Liz. And their son.
KATE: Nope.
Not happening. No kids.
Yeah, he can just watch TV downstairs.
No. Him got to go.
Yeah. Sorry, there's just too many things he could ingest.
Um...
We'll be back.
Chase, we are gonna go see Nana.
Yeah. Yeah. Yay! (CHUCKLES)
ROB: You remember her, right?
Damn. Adults are on time, huh?
MAURA: Yeah.
Why is Alex walking up our driveway?
I'm so sorry. I invited him, because I feel bad for him. He's very lonely.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Duane! Duane who?
Duane the bathtub.
I'm dwowning!
(ALL LAUGHING)
You still got it!
May I please have a beverage?
(CHUCKLES)
(EXCLAIMS) Sanctuary! Mmm.
Wow!
Welcome to Jurassic Park!
(IMITATES VELOCIRAPTOR)
Christ, he is immediately exhausting.
DAVE: Hello there.
Fun train pulling in!
(IMITATING TRAIN WHISTLE) Booze, booze! Whoo-hoo!
(IMITATING TRAIN CHUGGING)
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
And when my dad finally died, he actually glowed.
Kelly! Ugh!
When did we all get so old?
I mean, at least the women are making an effort,
but the men here?
Look like they're being slowly poisoned.
I think it's about how you feel, right?
Done. You know?
Best days behind us. Right, guys'?
I don't know. You might live like another eight or 10 years, Kelly.
You don't wanna be looking at it like that.
Chase was like a 10-pound baby. (MAURA SIGHS)
So when he came out of there,
I mean' it was decimated. That's horrible. Ugh.
So I ended up having a vaginal rejuvenation.
It's as tight as a keyhole down there.
I could pick up quarters with it, if I wanted to.
I haven't wanted to yet.
I shouldn't be telling you this,
but Rob's penis has a kink in it.
I can't think of what it's called.
It's kind of, like, crimped?
I don't know. I can't even...
ROB: There they are. Yeah. (LIZ CHUCKLES)
Hey.
She bragging about me?
(ALL CHUCKLING)
Put a bunch of videos on YouTube yesterday.
I'm up to a hundred hits, so, sensacién, as they say.
(CHUCKLING)
It's empty-
Boink!
He has a yeast infection in his paws, between his paw pads,
and I have to get a wipe, and I have to wipe out his paws every night.
Are you gonna get me a drink?
Can you give me a chance to offer?
(SCOFFS)
One thousand euthanized a year just in this county.
I woke up one day, and boom. No more periods.
What the fuckenheimer? Grown-up parties suck.
(SIGHS) How can one person have two colonoscopy stories?
I'm gonna get the dancing started.
Get in there, kid.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hi.
Sure don't feel like your age. Oh.
I hope that you have got your phone in your front pocket.
(GROANS)
(MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH STEREO) No.
MAURA: Whoo!
Come on. Here we go. Here we go!
Hey, you can't start with Mony Mony!
That's like starting with anal. Oh.
All right.
Geernt!
Hi, there. Dropping off paint.
I'll put it by the pool.
So? Okay.
MR. GEERNT: My apologies. I was worried
you were having a party, but I see now,
you really are having a wake.
Hey.
This party is fucking lame. Do you...
Drugs? I know a guy.
Call him.
HAE-WON: Hello! HAE-WON'S HOTTIES: Hi!
Hae-Won!
No, Hae-Won.
Right, sorry. You made it. I can't believe it. Look!
What? Look at this flock of hotties.
Wow. You look so happy.
You look so free and not oppressed at all. We were worried about you.
Really? We were worried about you.
Both your feet looked like dried beef.
Ah, I knew you were talking shit about us.
Who wants a drink? Come on.
HOTTIE 1: Let's go get drink! HOTTIE 2: Let's party!
Thank you so much for having us.
What? You're leaving? ROB: Great party.
Kate, they're leaving. Hey! (STAMMERS)
Chase has night terrors.
KATE: Absolutely not.
Everybody, huddle up for a second.
To anyone who's even thinking about leaving,
you can forget it.
You need this as much as we do.
Just as much as we do.
If you think I strapped all this shit on tonight
so you could be home to watch Flip or Flop,
you are fucking dreaming.
You're dreaming.
Dan and Kim. You got four kids,
and from what I can thin slice from your Christmas letters, they're wangs.
Thank you. Wait, what?
Kelly! Your profile pic is a low-fat Mexican casserole.
Yeah, it is.
Rob' when was the last time you danced
with the night air hitting your nips?
Guns N' Roses. Citrus Bowl, 1991.
(ALL MURMURING)
Don't you wanna feel that carefree again?
Just, like, balls deep in joy?
ALL: Yes! Yeah. Where'd them balls go?
What are you doing? I'm being your hype man.
Great. It's not too late.
The young you still lives inside you.
Just like shingles, y'all.
KATE: We used to party in this house like animals
because we thought we would never die.
I say, tonight, we party like Vikings
because we know we could die tomorrow!
Let's light a boat on fire!
(ALL CHEERING)
KATE: Tonight is my gift to you!
Drink up and run with scissors tonight, because Mama got you.
Aw, Shit!
(ALL CHEERING) MAN: Yeah, Mama!
Now, go call your sitters!
But what should we call them?
(ALEX CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
Alex is still funny, guys.
(ALL CHUCKLING)
Thanks. I'm pouring shots.
Now remind me that you know how to do this. Whoo!
JERRY: I remember how to do it!
And let's dance our titties off!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
ALL: (CHANTING) Shot, shot, shot!
(ALL CHEERING)
Next round, vodka!
Have you done it?
MAURA: Only people with children.
People with kids. People with kids.
(YELLING)
(MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey!
That's a really beautiful orchid. Is that for me?
No, this is mine. (MAURA CHUCKLES)
Maura. Invite Doctor Bushwhack in.
Show him where to put his things. I'll greet.
Uh, please come in, and take off your...
Just come in.
JAMES: There you go.
Oh, thank you. No problem.
It's beautiful. Thank you.
Wow. It smells amazing.
Do orchids smell?
They can, if you get fungus gnats.
And those are hard to get rid of. It stinks up your whole house.
But this one looks good.
JAMES: Yeah, this is pretty healthy.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Why don't you greet your guests?
I'm gonna make myself a drink, and face the wall.
KATE: Cover time. Twenty bucks for the booze and food, please.
Kate. The lesbians are here.
Excellent.
Hey. Cool if I spin some tunes?
I'm afraid to tell you no.
Great. Great.
KATE: Let them through, everybody!
Get ready for a Sarah McLachlan/Tracy Chapman mash-up.
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, yeah!
Oh, shit.
(MUSIC STOPS)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(ALL CHEERING)
KATE: Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.
How's it going in there?
Well, I told him about my fungus gnats.
Let him do the bulk of the talking.
Yeah, I'm just afraid when it gets quiet.
Good things are hidden in the quiet.
Who said that?
I did. I'm smart.
Okay.
You should put that on one of your cards.
But it is expected of you. Your absence has already been noted.
JOFFREY ON TV: The boy means nothing to me.
I can't stand the wailing of women.
(BRINDA GRUNTS)
God, I could watch Tyrion slap the smug
off that little fucker's face a hundred times
and never get sick of it. (ALL CHUCKLING)
Did you know that Jack Gleeson was the little boy in Batman Begins?
Jean, when you use the actors' real names,
you're not allowing yourself to live inside the fantasy world
that they've so lovingly crafted for us.
Oh, and just a reminder there's a no phone policy on our G. O. T. Nights.
DENNY: I'm sorry.
Ian Mitchell keeps posting photos of the Ellis Island party,
and it looks like kinda damn fun.
I kinda wanna drop by.
They have cheese. (GASPS)
DENNY: Cheese.
All we have is wine.
And it's non-alcoholic.
JEAN: We don't have to take off our shoes there.
And there aren't so many rules. (EXHALES)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
I'll take another one...
JAMES: Hey. MAURA: Hey.
Man, I haven't been to a party in a while.
I know. The last party I went to was probably my wedding reception.
This wine... So did you see your parents die?
(STAMMERING) No, I didn't,
but I know they did.
(CHUCKLES) Well, that's good to know.
It's not good to know.
Hey, it's okay.
I mean, you can ask me anything.
What do you want to know about me?
I have nachos that are in the broiler.
I have to go get them.
Yeah, go. Do your thing. I'll be here.
All right. All right.
What are you doing out here by yourself? Where's your boyfriend'?
No, I don't think he's right for me. It's a pass.
He's so direct' you know. There's no surprises there.
There's not a lot to discover.
I mean, I like mystery.
And, you know, great sex is so distracting. I mean, it's...
It's nice to be... Mmm-hmm...
so physically, emotionally attracted to someone.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
But that's not what life is.
Life is about challenges and shadows and corners and feeling weird.
You are so full of shit, that I'm gonna buy you Pull-Ups.
I just think we're gonna be very good friends.
I think you're being a little dramatic. I'm not.
I asked him if he saw his parents die.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah. I don't like this feeling. What feeling?
This high school feeling when you're crushing on someone
and you're afraid that they're not gonna like you back,
and then you're gonna get heart cramps.
Hey, I think you're getting ahead of yourself.
Someone else is talking to him anyway.
Brinda?
Oh, hail naw!
Are you serious? Because I am straight-up baffled.
I'm sorry?
I believe you called this party a "sad and desperate event"?
Well, I just figured I'd pop in and say hello to everyone.
I mean, we're all adults now, right?
Nice try. On your bike, bitch.
Get your peanut butter oui of my sister's chocolate.
Wow.
I respect your jumpsuit, but not its contents. Hit it.
Well, this is ludicrous.
(IMITATES GULPING) Get out.
Fine. I have another function to attend anyway.
Besides, I flushed a tampon down your toilet.
You're pads all the way and everyone knows it.
BRINDA: Nuh-uh.
Let's go. Let's get out of this septic tank.
I kind of want to stay a little.
Yeah, me too.
For serious?
We never got to go before because Kate hated you.
We suffered from secondhand hate.
(HISSES)
Wow.
(GASPS) (DRIPPING)
Hi. You guys are welcome here. You know that, right?
Do you wanna do some shots? Yeah.
Hi, I'd like to make a noise complaint.
Winter is coming, bitches.
MAURA: So, what's this order again? JAMES: All right.
It goes salt.
Shot.
And then we suck on these?
No, you throw them at each other. (CHUCKLES)
That's the way you're supposed to.
KATE: Maura? That's what...
Some guy here to see you?
Excuse me.
All right. Go do it.
My dude's in the bedroom. What dude?
Some kid we're buying weed from.
Ooh, okay.
Hi, there.
Holy mother.
That's right. This is my best friend, my brah, right?
This is Pazuzu.
It sure is.
Pazuzu. Thank you so much for bringing your arms here.
Your drugs here.
Uh, is your ink Samoan'? I saw a documentary once...
I will handle this.
We are looking for... To buy drugs.
(SNIFFS)
What'chu want?
I got ketamine, meth, MDMA, Adderall,
Bromo-Dragonfly, heroin, coke, crack, codeine, oxys,
(EXCLAIMS) percs, vikes,
PCP, LSD, Dilaudid, mescaline,
mushrooms, bath salts, cortisone, Toradol.
I got molly. I got her sister Sandra. I got big Frank.
I got birth control. I got Plan B.
I got that morphine from China they took off the market.
Shit to make your click hard.
Shit to make your dick soft. Shit'll find your dick.
That shit there's from Kenya.
Supposed to be a scurvy cure for silverback gorillas,
but for humans, it just makes them violently masturbate.
Did I say crack? Because I got more of that, too.
Mmm-hmm. You said crack already.
I got some Ibuprofen, aspirin. I got Flintstone Gummies if you want.
You seem good at your job.
We don't need any of that. No. No.
We're just gonna take some low-level, late '80s dirt pot.
You know, the kind with seeds in it that you separate on a Frisbee.
Something you smoke at a Bangles concert.
I didn't drive my ass across town to sell some moms some fucking dirt pot.
Y'all gonna buy some Cloud 10.
AVE: I'm sorry, man. They're just new to the game.
Ladies, come on. This is Cloud 10.
This is the shiz, a'ight?
This is, like, 70% molly, 20% Adderall, and it's 10% fun!
What's that last 10%?
Snow leopard. Fun.
No, seriously. I'm a nurse. So, just give me a name.
Mystic. I actually don't know.
You know what? You seem like a pro,
so we'll just take a little ohwheed
and just a skosh of Cloud 10.
MAURA: Are there hazelnuts in that?
I'll take the stuff for the dick. I got you.
KATE: I'll take this. PAZUZU: Y'all mind if I hang out a bit?
Uh... Nah. Nah.
(STAMMERING) Please, please, please don't. Nuh-uh.
Don't stay... Stay-Yep. Thanks.
Hey, you don't have any Goldfish crackers up there?
Don't mean to be coy.
MAURA: Oh, hi, Alex.
I'm just hiding this stevia. That shit's expensive.
Koi, goldfish.
(CHUCKLES) You.
You know, you're the type of badass that I was susceptible to in my youth.
I used to make out with my Stretch Armstrong doll,
so this is, like, a full circle moment for me.
It's cool. I invented the Fleshlight. I just do this shit on the side.
Right on.
Excuse me.
(POLICE SIREN BLARES)
Hey. Turn the music off!
Everybody duck!
(ALL MURMURING)
Quack, quack.
Hi. We donated already.
Hey. We received a noise complaint?
Oh, Officer, we are so sorry. We'll shut everything clown.
No, it's...
Wait a minute. Your eyes are gorgeous.
You know you look exactly like an Affleck brother, right?
I mean, it is like, dead ringer times.
Any underage drinking going on?
Oh, no. No. No.
Everybody's double 21 in there.
Way over age.
We had a 60-year-old buy our beer.
Well, you don't look a day over 25.
MAURA: Thank you.
Thirty-five.
Oh!
Just do me a favor and act your ages and keep it down?
We will keep it down.
We will keep it so down, like, below sea level.
Nice teamwork. Yeah.
I miss flirting with cops.
(MAURA CHUCKLING) He was so afraid of us.
(WHIS PE RS) Motherfucker, titty-sucker, two-bailed bitch.
First PoPo of the night thwarted by charm.
Ellis Island, proceed, y'all!
(ALL CHEERING)
Hey. I put in a request for our special song
so we can do the Applebutt Jam.
I don't think we should do that tonight. That's not that cool.
No! Tonight is my night, and it is cool,
because we're doing it, and we're cool.
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
It's good, right?
(LAUGHS)
Whoo!
(KELLY CRYING)
KATE: Come here, peanut.
Tell Mama what's freaking you the fuck out about time.
I don't know. It's just like...
The other day, I saw this old lady
looking at me through a window on the street,
and I felt bad for her, you know?
I waved at her, and she waved back at me,
and then I realized that was just my reflection.
It was just me and my old beef jerky face.
(SOBBING)
Why does time do that to faces?
Why?
Don't do that.
When the time is right, smoke this with your gentleman friend.
I'm gonna make space cakes for the rest of the gang like a goddamn June Cleaver
because I have a domestic side. Mmm-hmm.
Look what fell into my cleavage.
Plinko! Jackpot! (CHUCKLES) Let's go.
Ooh...
Do You play any sports?
Tennis, for a little while.
That's what I was gonna guess.
Okay, Dribbles. I got you, girl. Hey.
(SIGHS) Let's go right in there.
Get you looking nice and clean so you can throw up on it later.
You look like you naturally have no body hair whatsoever.
Do you oil yourself up a lot?
When I need to get through a narrow shaft.
Danger. Walk away. That's a black diamond slope.
Why ain't you partying?
Because I'm the designated mom tonight. I'm keeping everybody safe.
Do you have kids?
I'm sure I do.
(MOUTHING) Shit.
AVE: Hey, Kate. You remember when you scaled that
sucker right there up to the last beam
and you hollered, "I'm the bomb!"
Like it was yesterday, yo.
Well, come on, Kate. What are you waiting for?
Come on, everybody. Kate, Kate!
ALL: (CHANTING) Kate, Kate, Kate!
(WHISTLING)
When you're sober, it's kind of like, "Why would anyone do this?"
ALL: (CHANTING) Kate, Kate, Kate!
Come on, Kate. Come on!
KATE: This is scary as shart. (ALL GASPING)
How did I not die doing this?
Don't try this. This is not safe.
Somebody moved these bricks.
FEMALE GUEST: Hang tight, lady! (ALL CHEERING)
KATE: This is for the fucking birds. Shitters.
Oh, you guys. You guys are gonna love this.
Don't move. Stay right there.
(LAUGHS)
All right. Ready? Ready?
Okay, guys, can you guess who I am? Ready?
You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!
Cheech! No, Chong. ALEX: No, no, no.
Say hello to my little friend!
(EXCLAIMS)
ROB: Tim Allen. No.
Say hello to my little friend. Bullets? Nothing.
I love cocaine! Because I have a scar on my face!
(CHUCKLES)
(SNIFFING AND SNORTING)
(LAUGHS)
(COUGHING HEAVILY)
It's stevia! (CHUCKLES) Psych!
It's stevia!
(BABBLES)
(CHUCKLES AND YELLS)
(COUGHING HEAVILY)
Hmm... (PANTS)
Come on. You can get this!
So, if I read this,
will I get, like, amazing insight into who you are'?
I am afraid so. Okay.
Way behind the curtain. Like, in the broom closet.
Well, I like broom closets. Here we go.
(READING) "I tried tampons."
"No thanks' Tom Hanks." (CHUCKLES)
"It felt like I fell down hard on a popsicle."
Oh, man.
That's from last week.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
It's good stuff in here.
It's my gift to you.
I love it. I want more.
Now you tell me a secret.
Okay.
I lost a whole bunch of weight recently.
Like, 70 pounds.
Wow. That's great. Yeah, it's a lot.
All right, tell me something else.
On, uh... (swans)
I got divorced.
So, you lost, like, 200 pounds.
(CHUCKLING)
(SNIFFS)
Let's...
You wanna try something?
Okay.
Um...
On the count of three... Mmm-hmm.
Let's say what we're both afraid of.
I mean, unless you don't want to.
No, I'm not afraid to say it.
Okay? Okay, ready?
BOTH: One.
Two.
Three.
Alligators. Choking on a steak.
Not great. (CHUCKLES)
Let's really say what we're afraid of.
Like, for real.
Okay, O Kay?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Ready?
BOTH: One, two, three.
I'm afraid that I'm boring... I'm afraid that losing weight...
and I have too much baggage. Won't fix everything.
Did you lose weight to gain self-confidence?
No.
I think I lost the weight
so I could gain a better view of my perfect penis.
I missed the little guy. Not little.
(CHUCKLES)
Medium. I miss the medium guy.
You are so not boring, by the way.
You've already fixed so many things.
There used to be so much stuff here.
This attic made me feel very safe.
Well, a house is just a building.
Home is a feeling.
That's beautiful. Thank you.
Who said that?
I did. Just now. (BOTH CHUCKLE)
(BLOWS)
Ugh. (COUGHS)
(LAUGHING)
Were you shotgunning me? I am so sorry.
I misjudged the shotgun. I was going to.
It's my fault. I was showboating.
I am so sorry about that. (BOTH LAUGHING)
(m CUBAN ACCENT) You talking to me?
Is you talking to me?
Uh, Robert Pacino.
Aah! No bullets!
(IN CUBAN ACCENT) Why don't you try sticking your head up your ass? See if it fits?
What's the one... Grimace? No.
Why don't you try sticking your head up your ass? (LAUGHS)
(QUICKLY) Why don't you try sticking your head up your ass?
See if it fits! See if it fits!
(LAUGHS) Stevia!
Why don't you stick your head up your ass?
See if n fits? (LAUGHING)
Why don't you try sticking your head up your ass and see if it fits?
Pass.
Why don't you stick your head up your ass and see if it fits?
Scarface!
Scarface. Scarface?
Yes!
That's who I was the whole fucking time!
Awesome, man.
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
You got to want it a little less.
I can feel my hair growing!
Alex, come on.
Do you hear that? It's Tipsy!
Oh, I love this song! I got to dance. Here we go.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) Oh. Oh!
(MAURA CHUCKLING) Hey, you backing it up!
This is your theme now.
Who, me? Or, e'rybody?
Ah, e'rybody.
(SINGING) 'Cause e'rybody got got to get tipsy.
What? (BREATHING HEAVILY)
JAMES: Yeah!
E'rybody in the club get tipsy.
Not just you. Not just me. E'rybody.
E'rybody. E'ry day, e'ry hour, e'ry minute.
Huh! (YELLS)
(CRASHES) (ALL YELLING)
JAMES: Oh, my God! (YELLS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, God. Wait, come here. Come here.
Here we go. My dad's gonna murder me!
Shh. Maura, look at me. I can fix this. (CREAKING)
Oh, God. Go. Go, go, go.
JAMES: Whoa! MAURA: No, no, no!
JAMES: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
(MAURA SCREAMS) JAMES: No!
(BOTH MOANING)
(BOTH SPITTING)
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
(SIGHS)
I'm really
itchy.
It went up my nose.
It went up my butt. (CHUCKLES) (COUGHING)
Are we gonna die?
No, this stuff's safe. This is all from the '70s. (LAUGHS)
Wow! This is fucked up!
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHS)
I wanna do that foam thing like we saw at the Fart Mitzvah.
(HAE-WON'S HOTTIES CHUCKLING)
(LAUGHING) Ah!
(LAUGHS)
Ooh!
I need to talk to you outside. Now. Oh. Oh.
Well, let's do this. My earrings are coming off, bohatch!
Why? You gonna hit me with your long-ass earlobes?
BRINDA: Oh. (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
I have been waiting a long time for this.
Hey!
Let me in!
This is bullshit!
(ALL CHEERING)
(VOCALIZES)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
MAURA: Hey. How's everything going?
KATE: I'm crushing it. How's the man-harvest going?
James is so hot.
My high school heart cramp has turned into a heart-on.
I have a heart-on for him. I have a raging heart-on.
I don't get it. Explain it more. I have a...
KATE: Who the hell did that'? MAURA: I did.
You are so badass!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
BOTH: Fuck the Geernts!
Okay, I'm gonna dive back in. Bye!
BRINDA: Fucking party.
(SLOSHING)
Jackpot.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
Foam party!
Strip it down, town!
(PHONE RINGING) Oh, shit. It's my parents!
Shut the fuck up! It's her parents!
Everyone, I'm gonna sneeze, shut the fuck up!
(IMITATES SNEEZE)
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hello?
You're home! We're coming over.
Oh, no, don't come over.
We're just in our pj's watching Risky Business.
Maura told us the wonderful news about you and Haley moving to Orlando!
And Wu got a job!
Not hers to tell, but okay.
You: Dad and t got an idea.
And we're only medium drunk.
Could you headline news it for me?
Yes.
We are gonna give you 50% of the money from the sale of the house
and then we're gonna use the other 50% to pay off the condo.
And we're leaving Maura the stocks.
DEANNA: We though! That you could use the money
to buy a little house for you and Haley.
Would I have to pay the money back?
Or would it be more of a "wink-wink" loan?
We're giving it to you.
For free.
DEANNA: As a love gift.
That solves a lot of things.
Okay, I got to go now. Thanks so much.
DEANNA: Okle dokle.
Wash and dry any tea cups you use,
and we're very happy for you, honey.
Okay, thanks, bye!
(CHUCKLES)
Holy shit.
(GUESTS CHEERING)
Holy shit.
ALL: (CHANTING) Rob, Rob, Rob!
I'm the bomb!
I'm the bomb! I'm the bomb!
Okay. Guys?
I'm actually gonna need everyone to just
start cleaning up the area where they're standing.
Everybody, gamer round, okay?
I just smoked some 21st century pot.
(CHEERING)
So I need to say my mind. Make it quick.
Release your boobs!
No, my boobs are sleeping right now.
Six more weeks of winter!
I wanna thank my sister, Kate, for holding down the fort
and helping me have the best night of my life.
(ALL CHEERING) Wrapping it up.
In the spirit of my sister,
I encourage all of you to make your mark on this house tonight.
No, do not make your mark.
(ALL CHEERING)
Where's my handyman?
Hey. I like that you know who you are.
And that you ask for what you want.
And I think you're really cute. Thank you.
But, whatever, dude. A lo! Of people are cute, so relax.
Okay. (CHUCKLING)
MAURA: Anyway, seriously, you guys.
Remember who you really are and be that you!
(CHEERING)
Be that what? ALL: (CHANTING) You!
What that you? ALL: (CHANTING) Be!
Be what you?
ALL: (HESITANTLY) That!
MALE GUEST: You!
(SCREAMING) It's "that," it's fucking "be that you!"
Be that you! Be that you! Be that you!
DAVE: All right, don't yell at me.
I just did it three times! Don't yell at me!
Who's yelling?
One more time. Be what you?
ALL: (CHANTING) That!
You got it! I'm out.
Thank you. Good night. We are closed.
Take the party outside!
(CHEERING)
KATE: No, that way.
Guys, that way!
(CLATTERING)
I liked your speech.
I'm meeting you in the bedroom.
I'm going in there to fix the drywall. (CHUCKLES)
(MUFFLED) Okay. Okay.
(CHUCKLES) Excuse me, please. (MUFFLED) Excuse me.
Alex, take your dick out of the paint, right this minute!
No! I'm gonna draw suh-in!
I'm like a little Pablo Dickasso!
(SLOSHING)
(GRUNTING) Hey, man. I got you. Shit!
(LAUGHING)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Yes, my neighbors are having a loud party, and I'd like to complain.
I need you to shut it down.
(POLICE SIREN BLARING)
KATE: Oh, man.
Who called the cops?
Having a pretty big party, huh?
Oh, is 500 people too much?
MAURA: POPO! POPO!
Oh, somebody call a stripper?
You gonna take your clothes off for us? You can't come in here.
Without the judge signing the thing. I got this.
This is where I live.
This is our house. Yep.
This where we live, okay?
And this is our property for the next 24 hours.
A lot of sex is gonna happen. A lot of sexy times.
You can't stop that.
Last time I checked, sex wasn't against the law,
as much as you would love that, wouldn't you?
Maura, please behave. Why don't you step off, blue?
Don't you know I'm loco? Shit!
KATE: Now we know that.
MAURA: Officer Donuts.
Why don't you go back into your squad car
and go save a kitten from a tree,
because these pussies are doing fine.
All right? Clean the donuts out of your ears
and hear the words that are coming out of my mouth.
I will protect my all's property from all y'all and that's including moi.
That means "me."
It means "me." I don't... It doesn't mean you.
I don't need to protect anything from her. That's my sister.
Right. From the same mister, who's our dad.
So, wrap your mind around that, Cap'n Crunch.
Capeach?
I know something about you. You're a nice person, right?
And you look like a Ken doll, hopefully with the genitals. Fingers crossed.
You've picked a very great profession. And I salute you.
But you know what? This is how I'll salute you.
Like this. I'm sorry.
KATE: Wait, that didn't happen, nobody saw that.
MAURA: I got this.
What are you writing down? Nothing. It's my pad.
MAURA: Here, I have something you should write down.
E-A-T.
S-H-I-T.
Okay, my sister is clearly riding the ditch at this late hour.
Can you shut this shit down?
(STAMMERS) Was that Maura Ellis?
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
She went to the sophomore formal
with my cousin who has spina bifida.
Of course she did!
She is a lovely person. He still talks about it.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES) You know what?
You guys enjoy your party.
No. No, no.
No. No! Wait!
There's a drunk, blind guy swinging a gun around!
(CHUCKLES) No way. Enjoy!
Fuck! (SIGHS)
MAURA: Hey.
How's it going in here?
Good, I think.
Yeah, I think you're all set.
I'm gonna have to come back tomorrow and finish this,
because I am drunk and stoned.
Well, I'm totally sober, so. (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
I did a really bad job.
You're very tall. How tall are you?
About 6'3". With the ladder, about 7'6".
(CHUCKLES) So, I'm just gonna...
Thanks so much for cleaning this all up.
Oh, yeah.
Do you wanna keep working off the clock?
Yeah. Because my bed is broken.
Do you want me to fix it?
Yeah. Lock the door.
People, I'm in charge here, and I say it's over.
Okay? We had a great time. Let's wrap it up.
ALL: (IN UNISON) No!
Why? What?
This is such a brilliant idea!
Free slicking.
I wish we had some lubricant.
What perfume is on you?
You like that? Yeah, I do.
It's Risky by Jennifer Love Hewitt. You can only get it at Kohl's.
I'm wearing Erection by Calvin Klein.
I cannot!
What did I ever do to you to make you abhor me so?
Are you seriously asking?
You probably don't remember.
Oh, I remember.
We were about to have the best Ellis Island party ever
because my cousin met John Stamos at Disney and he was coming.
But you narced to your cop dad.
I narced because he made me!
How? How did he even know?
Because when I found out that I wasn't invited to your party
it hurt me so very deep' that I threw up really hard.
Why didn't you invite me?
(SQUEALS) Why?
I was kind and clean!
And I got mostly B's!
I know, I cheated off you.
And then you decided that I was a "no."
And then everybody decided that I was a "no"!
And then guess who decided that I was a "no"?
The Bachelor?
Me.
So, I have decided that tonight I deserve to be here.
Tonight, I am a "yes."
I am a "hell yes"!
I am a "yeah."
I am a "hell yeah."
I am a "fuck to the yeah"!
Wordsmith. I am a "yippie-ki-yay yes"!
And you know what the saddest part is?
Your vagina?
No.
The saddest part
is that you and I used to have a blast in grade school.
And we would probably still be friends
if you weren't such a selfish hothead.
I am not a selfish hothead!
Put that phone down! Give me that. No!
Give me that phone! Give me that!
No! Don't touch my phone.
(YELLING) Maura! Maura!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hi, honey.
HALEY: Hi, Mom, I'm here.
I'm at Gram and Gramps'.
You're here? In Orlando? Yeah.
Oh, great. Okay.
They told me that they're gonna help us get a house.
Do you want me to come down there and we can talk about it?
Uh, we're all pretty wiped from packing.
You know, I would say maybe just get some rest and...
So come over in the morning.
Wait. You want me to come there in the morning?
You have been begging me for weeks to tell you where I am,
and now that I'm here you're gonna blow me off?
No, I'm not blowing you off!
I'm so excited! We're getting a house, and you're gonna have your own room.
I got a baloney dick!
Who has a baloney dick? Nobody.
HALEY: Are you at a party right now?
Earlier. We had a packing cookout.
Cookout with your cock oui.
(WHISPERS) I'm on the phone!
You say that you want a fresh start
and everyone is trying to help us out,
and this is how you thank them?
It's not what you think. No, it's exactly what I think.
I start trusting you again and then you turn around
and you start acting like one of the Rea! Housewives of Orange County.
Can you just give me a chance to make it right?
No! I don't wanna live with my loser mom who parties.
You know what? Tonight, I'm actually the only person who's not partying.
Yeah, right.
(RETCHES)
Fuck it.
ALL: Kale! Kate! Kate!
(ALL CHEERING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey. Lollapazuzu, I'm partying now.
You ready for me?
I've been ready.
My safe word is "Keep going."
I don't need one. You will.
I don't have insurance.
(ALL CHEERING)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
You have such a good, solid, man face.
I'm gonna do stuff to you right now. YOU are?
Yes. Okay.
Put your pants off. I'm sorry.
I meant to say that a little smoother
but I'm very, very drunk, plus stoned. Let's go.
Just open up your parts. Put your pants off.
No, no, no. I'm putting them off right now.
Yep, here we go. Yeah!
(SCREAMING)
(ALL CHEERING)
You have kids?
Two girls in Korea. Oh, I miss them bad.
So far.
I put their hairs in my bra.
I miss how my daughter smells when she has wet hair.
She die'? No.
I haven't been able to find her, like, all summer.
That is fucked up.
Don't judge me. Your kids are in another country.
That's fucked up.
I work my butt to save my kids
so they can come live with me.
I used to be pediatric radiologist.
What?
What do you do for your kid?
Hmm?
(SNIFFS)
You wanna hug?
Yeah, give this messy bitch a hug.
Katie, what's the matter, baby?
Aw, look at you. Don't cry. It's gonna make me cry.
People are really working their shit out at this thing.
This is like Korean drama.
Heads up! Whoo!
You're out of booze.
(SIGHS) I'm on it.
Party mom to the rescue.
Okay, we're gonna get started in one second.
Okay. (LAUGHS)
Hello.
(LAUGHING) Hey, you're number one.
Okay, let's take it up a notch.
Okay, you know what time it is? No.
It's candle play time. Uh-oh! (LAUGHS)
I should warn you that this did not go well
when I was having sex with Frankenstein. (LAUGHING)
Fire bad.
Oh. Ah. Yeah, I'm ready.
Oh! (LAUGHING)
I didn't think... That's wild. That's wild.
Oh, God. I didn't think I was gonna like it, but I like it.
How does this sucker not stay lit?
Okay. Hold the sex phone.
All right. Just getting into it.
Oh, look who we have here.
Garfield! (LAUGHS)
Garfield always comes through. Yeah, he's...
He's gonna help us out. (SCREAMING) Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Shit. Fuck!
Oh! No! Shit!
(GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
My God!
(SCREAMING)
Oh, fuck!
Did you fall on something sharp? Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Okay, did it go up inside of you by way of your rectum?
Yeah, I think so.
It feels like a small trophy or... (GRUNTS) A collectible.
James, I am a nurse. Okay?
I can get whatever is up there out.
No, I don't want you to look.
It's not Maura, the woman that you were kissing who's gonna look.
It's a nurse who just got here. Okay.
Hello, sir. Nice to meet you for the first time.
(SCREAMING) Okay. All right. Okay.
I'm just gonna roll you over so I can examine your rectum.
Okay. Stop. Stop saying rectum.
I'm gonna get it out, whatever it is. Mmm-hmm. Okay.
So I'm just gonna twist it, and pull it out slowly. Mmm-hmm.
Just breathe.
(WINDING)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
It's a music box.
Yep.
It's my ballerina music box. Mmm-hmm.
And she's in high-fifth position, which is why she went in so easily.
Okay.
Is it past the tutu?
Yeah. Mmm.
That's why it's catching.
So, okay, James, I'm gonna try something here.
No. Nah' I'm good. It's okay.
I know, I know. Just give me a second.
Okay, hold on! (SCREAMS)
That's turning inside me! Just let it wind down.
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) (EXHALES)
I think it's almost done.
It's Swiss-made, so it may take a while.
How long is this fucking song?
It really is a beautiful melody.
Beethoven. What a... What a genius.
Mmm-hmm.
And we're do... Nope.
It went around again. Yeah.
Okay, you know what'? I'm gonna hop up.
Okay. You got it? Yeah, I got it-Yeah, no, no.
It didn't happen. It never happened. (SCREAMING)
James, seriously.
Be gentle. Be very, very careful.
I'm gonna borrow this. Let's not make this the headline of the night.
We are gonna laugh about this someday.
You know, that is not the worst rectal accident I've ever seen.
Thanks for that.
Thanks for cleaning up the fucking gel, Kate!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Holy shit.
Help me wash it off. Yeah?
Kate?
Has anyone seen my sister?
She's sober and she needs to drive us to the hospital.
(ROARS) I think I got the gangrene.
I might have fucked a copy machine!
Good Lord.
Are you okay?
I swallowed my wedding ring!
Where's my purse?
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Hmm?
HALEY: Hey, Aunt Maura. I just landed in Orlando! Thanks for our conversation.
I 'm glad you talked me into coming down-I do trust you.
I set the alarm at your condo,
and I gave my keys to your pet-sitter, like you told me.
And I sent you a picture o? Me and Polenta. She misses you.
Oh, hell no.
Where is my purse? Have you seen it anywhere?
It was just here.
(masses) (SCREAMS)
Oh, shit.
More stevia!
Cloud Nine didn't have this glitch in it.
Hey! Calm down.
Oh, steamroller!
Steamroller!
Santa, help me!
(SHOUTING)
(GRUNTING)
Okay, good night.
Good night, sweet prince.
James!
James.
James, let me get you to a hospital.
No, I'm all right. The thing is...
Maura, thank you for your help, but I know what's best for me.
And right now...
I think I need to be alone with my asshole.
Okay. Good night, Maura.
ALEX: I need more stevia!
Where's Kate?
Oh, she went to go get booze.
She was pretty drunk.
ALEX: Say hello to my little friend! Of course she was.
(LAUGHS) Let's get this party started!
HAE-WON: He's on Cloud 10!
(GROANS)
I'm Alex.
We are going to dance floor to dance out the rat poison.
What the fuck?
Hey. I'm sorry. Hold on one second. Hold on one second.
Oh-my God! Mom?
Yeah, I'll be right there.
I'm kidding!
(ALL LAUGHING)
But thanks for finally laughing, you fucking assholes! (LAUGHS)
Oh, I'm gonna kill her!
Where's my sister?
Kate!
Girl fight!
Maura!
Kate! Maura!
Girl fight!
Where's my sister?
KELLY: Girl fight!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Go, go, go!
(SCREAMS)
(ALL CHEERING)
We did it, you guys.
We stopped time!
(ALL CHEERING)
It's snowing!
Yes! Yes!
DAVE: Oh, my God. You guys.
Sinkhole!
(ALL SCREAMING)
MALE GUEST: On, shit! (GASPS)
Look at this!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
There's a sinkhole. There's a sinkhole.
Look at this.
You told me you were gonna take care of things
and you let everything go to shit.
Where did you go?
You were supposed to stay sober. I was supposed to get laid!
Oh, I'm so sorry that you couldn't get laid for the five millionth time in your life.
Oh, I get! I get my fucking dick when I want to.
Don't you ever pull that shit with me!
I know you get tons of dick!
Just not tonight and not recently. Mmm-hmm.
Where's my daughter, Maura?
Do you know?
No.
Look me in the eyes.
I don't know where she is.
You've always been a fucking terrible liar.
Where is my daughter, Maura?
She has been staying with me in Atlanta.
Since when?
June.
You watched me worry about her like an idiot,
fucking texting her every day, and freaking out about her every day.
And she was living with you the whole time?
Okay, but the thing is, she didn't want you to know.
You're my sister! You should have told me she was safe!
She is. She was! The thing is, Haley needs...
Don't tell me what my daughter needs, Okay?
Why don't you drive yourself to fucking Petco and find a fucking husband?
Or go breastfeed a squirrel, you sad excuse for a woman.
Oh.
MALE GUEST 2: Oh, shit!
(ALL GASPING)
(GRUNTING)
This reminds me of that movie we watched on our anniversary.
Ow! Ow!
My hip. My hip!
Are you okay? Yeah.
Can you move it? Yeah.
Good, because I'm gonna kill you!
I really hope Maura cracks her in half.
Come on, Maura! (HAWKING)
Don't you spit on me.
Why are you hitting yourself'? Not cool!
Wait a second. I'm posting this shit straight on PoolsideBitchFights.com.
BRINDA: Kick her in the tits!
KATE: Haley is my kid, not yours!
God damn it!
What have you done to our house?
Stop that mud wrestling now!
HALEY: Mom, leave Aunt Maura alone.
I was doing just fine living with her.
I mean, ask Gram and Gramps.
You guys knew all along that she was living with Maura?
You lying mofos!
I'm gonna kill you.
Stop it. Stop it! We are fed up.
We have no energy for this goddamn shit.
Smell that armpit. DEANNA: Stop!
Our whole house looks like Pompeii, and you two are wrestling?
I'll tell you what.
Since we're all finally telling the goddamn truth,
here's our truth.
And we mean this from the bottom of our hearts.
We are so tired of the both of you.
We're so tired. We really are.
You know, everybody always said to us...
"Enjoy your kids while they're young because it goes so fast."
I don't know what the fuck they were talking about,
because it seems like we'll never be done.
We keep trying to pass you the baton.
You won't take it.
Take it!
Just take the fucking baton!
I agree. We all think you should take the baton, Kate.
Maura, cut the shit. We're talking to you, too.
Me? Yeah, you.
BUCKY: Go and live your life
and stop following us around like we're gonna die any minute.
Yeah, we probably have more sex
than the both of you. Yeah.
We know! Yeah. We interrupted one of your day-bangs.
Oh, my God!
You know, if it takes a village...
I want a different village, because this one sucks!
Why can't you guys just be... (SCREAMING)
(ALL GASPING)
Haley! DEANNA: Haley!
MAURA: Oh, God. DAVE: Oh, shit!
BRINDA: Oh, sweet Jesus! MAURA: Haley!
KATE: Haley? HALEY: Mom!
DEANNA: Bucky, do something! BUCKY: Haley!
Haley!
(ALL GASPING)
DAVE: Oh, shit! Kate!
PAZUZU: This party is unbelievable.
I am not going in to work tomorrow. TSA can kiss my ass.
Kate, I've been through this shit before when my condo sankholed.
I'm gonna talk you through it.
Your first instinct is gonna be
just to go to sleep and deal with it in the morning,
but don't do that
I got a ladder. Kate!
Is it cold? KATE: Yes, it's fucking cold!
Hush! It looks cold.
Everyone's distracted by the emergency right now.
I wanna be balls deep in joy.
Then be in it.
Back into me.
Backing into you.
(IMITATING TRUCK BEEPING)
I'm in. Lock it up.
Okay, I got you. BUCKY: We got the ladder.
Kate! Come on up the ladder.
We can do this together, all right?
Everyone say a non-denominational
silent prayer to themselves, please.
Haley, don't be scared. Here we go.
That's really high. MAURA: Come on, you can do it!
HALEY: It's too steep. I'm gonna fall. KATE: It's the only way out.
Look, there's Gramps. Oh, you're not gonna slip, honey.
Come on. I can't, I can't.
We need to get in there and help them. I need all your carabiners!
I'm all over it.
KATE: Hales' this could keep sinking.
Do you want me to climb with you?
What?
I'll climb with you, okay? I'm gonna climb right here, next to you.
(SIGHS)
MAURA: Kate, you can do it!
Mommy used to do this at parties, because she was a fucking idiot.
Come on. Come on. Come on, now.
DAVE: Everybody!
Don't look down. You got it. ALL: Kate! Kate! Kate!
Okay. Come on.
There we go.
ROB: Yep. Yep. Come on, girl.
You got it. Haley. Come on!
MAURA: You're almost there.
Come on. I got it! Mom?
I'm the mom! Come on.
(ALL CHEERING)
DAVE: All right!
Now, everybody get the hell out of here, before I call your children!
You jumped into a sinkhole
and climbed a rock wall to save me.
Yeah, it's called Mom strength. I basically She-Hulked.
You're my kid.
It's the only job I'll never quit.
(SNIFFS)
Did you smell my head?
Yeah, smells good.
You're such a weirdo.
Remember, I can throw a car at you.
(DEANNA MUTTERING)
DEANNA: Maybe it'll look better in the daylight?
Why is it blue?
Well, we are totally fucked.
Oh, my God, Mom, don't say "fucked."
It sounds so wrong coming out of your mouth.
Oh, too fucking bad.
I'm pissed.
And I'll say whatever I wanna say
because I am cuntingly disappointed in you!
Wow. BUCKY: All right.
That's not even a word. Don't you dare sass me like your sister.
BUCKY: We are going home
and your asses are getting up at 6:00 a-m. To clean up.
And put some underwear on! What?
What are you doing? I mean, it's just shameful!
God, you guys need to chill out.
Oh, God!
KATE: Calm down, Mom!
DEANNA: Fuck Off!
MAURA: (READING) Dear diary, tonight we had a party that fumed into a foam orgy.
I made out with a sweet, hot, funny guy who really liked me
until he fell down butthole-first on a ballerina.
(SIGHS)
What a night.
Asses up!
DEANNA: Now!
(GASPS) on, God!
Who's that?
Whoa! What happened here?
Oh.
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Ellis.
You look great.
You find my hearing aid?
Where did you leave it?
She can't hear you.
She had to take them out because the beeping was freaking me out
when I was on drugs.
What?
Nobody's lips are moving.
Okay. I'm pretty sure I swallowed all my credit cards,
so I'm gonna go deal with that.
Come on, my love.
Happy Birthday!
When the girls were little, I used to wash their hair with this sprayer.
I could put this one in the condo, if you like.
No.
I'll remember it.
Scratch my back?
BUCKY: There'? DEANNA: Mmm-hmm. Mmm.
BUCKY: Mmm-hmm'? (SIGHS)
MAURA: Listen, Dad...
I'll buy the house as is and Kate and Haley can stay here.
No, you won't.
Let me fix things. You've done enough.
Don't you have a plane to catch?
BUCKY: When are you gonna learn that your help isn't always wanted?
KATE: I can't offer as much as Maura can,
but I do have some money.
Can I please live in your house, temporarily, with Haley,
and fix it up?
Don't have to answer right away... No.
Please, just go home.
I have no more home.
Oh, pulling out the granddaughter card.
God damn it.
All right, I'll give you two weeks to fix it up
and then I'm torching it for insurance.
Okay.
That's everything I have.
Can you fix the damage for that?
No.
But I'll help you do it. (SIGHS)
ls Maura still in town?
No.
I thought you flew to Atlanta.
Uh...
I didn't wanna leave town until I said I was sorry.
And I think I melted my driver's license
in the microwave, the other night.
I'm sorry, Kate.
I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that Haley was with me.
Will you forgive me for that?
I'm gonna milk it for a while.
Okay.
I made you something.
I was gonna send it to you, but I didn't have any stamps
because they don't make them anymore.
"Sisters are always there for each other."
"But some sisters think they're hot shit,"
"and do super-intrusive, fucked-up things,"
"like secretly harbor the other one's child so they can feel superior."
Quotes are usually short.
So are dicks, but sometimes you hit the jackpot.
Keep reading.
"And some sisters live their lives in chaos, like a goddamn tornado,"
"so the other sister has to clean it up all the time."
"So, they're both wrong. The end."
When I was party mom,
I realized that always having to take care of everyone's shit sucks.
And I'm sure you realized
that it's not all fun being selfish and leaving a mess.
It's pretty fucking fun.
We need to say goodbye to this house and who we were here.
You know, James told me that a house is a building
but home is a feeling.
He's smart. You need to lock that guy down.
(SIGHS) I blew it with him.
No, he's still asking about you.
He is? Yeah.
He is the greatest
James just needs some...
No! Stop deciding what other people need.
You need help. Let him help you.
I got to go scrub "I heart balls" off the fridge.
I'm sorry I wrote that.
Wait! Mmm.
What do I do when I see him?
See, I'm asking for help already.
Find a way to make him come to you.
But go big-
Make it clear that you need him.
MAURA: Help!
Help!
Help.
I know you used to be a lifeguard.
I need it.
Save me, please!
Oh, my God.
I'm drowning.
Don't die.
Come here.
Water feels good on my ballerina hole.
(SIGHS)
What about your dick burns'? Ooh.
Nice to meet you, Dick Burns.
(TRUCK BEEPING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
How in the hell did you pull this off?
Well, I usually give 30% and I went for the full 100 this time.
You might need one more coat.
What?
There we go.
Thanks for doing this. Oh, well...
Thank you for bringing me Dave.
He's really quite the tender love maker.
Big Dave.
(LAUGHS)
Very big Dave. All right.
Big, big, big, big, big boy.-
Okay. I think Dave is just what you needed.
Yeah.
Whoo! I can barely walk.
So, this is awesome.
Come on, girlfriend.
Dave has chlamydia.
Right, friendship.
Mom, this guy wants to know if he can get 10% off his manicure
because he only has nine fingers.
Hang up. It's your grandpa pranking us.
Nice try, Gramps.
Gross! Get a room!
Ah, you know you love it.
(CHUCKLES) KATE: It's 10:00!
Champagne time.
JAMES: I'm gonna do this every week.
Hae-Won, you're incredible. Thank you, Jack.
High five! No.
Sorry. All right, everybody, gather up.
On behalf of my co-owner Hae-Won and myself.
Yay! Thank you, Alex,
for investing in our dreams.
Just here to do my part. (CHUCKLES)
Whoa! Hair part! (LAUGHING)
Oh, God. Here we go.
Yoinks! (CHUCKLES)
There is a lid for every pot. (CHUCKLES)
I'm gonna punch him right in the dick.
Let's do this! (SQUEALS)
MAURA: Merry Christmas.
Haley, you ready? HALEY: I'm coming!
Hello! Hi.
Merry Christmas, my two angel.
And welcome to your new home! (CHUCKLES)
(KIDS LAUGH)
Come on, let's go pick a room!
Really?
No, wheelie. (LAUGHS)
If this doesn't smell like our Christmas, I will flip a table.
DEANNA: Hi!
Oh, hi!
BUCKY: All right, hi! DEANNA: Oh, come here.
DEANNA: Look at you. JAMES: No, look at you. Look at you.
DEANNA: Cookies!
Oh, how beautiful! Look at these! JAMES: They're store-bought.
Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you.
Did you make these? No.
No, I bought them at a gas station.
Still feels like our Christmas.
Yeah.
Because we're the home.
Yeah.
Come here, bootch.
Okay. Let me lead, I'm the big sister.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
What kind of... Fuck. (LAUGHS)
Sorry. Bloopers! MAN: Yeah.
Whoo! Hey, I put in a special request for our Applebutt...
Hey, I Fuck me, sorry. Fuck, sorry.
Can I try it again? Ellis I... Sure.
MAN: Let's try again. Sorry.
Oh, you probably don't remember.
Oh, I remember.
I don't remember.
My safe word is "Dow Jones Industrial Average."
My safe word is "geopolitical disaster."
My safe word is "pseudoparathyroidism."
(SINGING) That girl is poison
(CHUCKLES)
She's dangerous
(LAUGHS)
I am done wasting words on that cum-guzzling road whore.
Wow.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Huh? Huh?
Sorry. (CHUCKLES)
I can't believe that you haven't farted
this whole time. (LAUGHING)
Good job. Now I put it in your head, sorry.
No, they've been silent.
MAN: Okay, here we go. (BOTH LAUGHING)
Has-Won. Am I saying it correctly?
Hae-Won.
I'm just gonna throw it away. Hae-Won.
No.
(LAUGHS)
Hae...
(CHUCKLES)
Wait, I've got it.
Hae-Won.
(CHUCKLING)
Hae-Won.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(CLICKS TONGUE) Let me just see if I'm pronouncing it correctly.
Sorry.
Hae-Won.
(CREW MEMBERS LAUGHING)
MAN: And cut.