1 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:11,345 Morning, Bertram. I could use a banana, sunscreen, and some peanuts. 2 00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:13,447 And I could use a rich girlfriend named Lola. 3 00:00:13,481 --> 00:00:15,015 I guess we're both a couple of dreamers. 4 00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:22,056 I'm going to spend my day off all by myself in Central Park. 5 00:00:22,090 --> 00:00:23,524 The banana's if I get hungry, 6 00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:24,558 the sunscreen's in case it's hot, 7 00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:28,229 and the peanuts are in case I meet a squirrel. 8 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,333 They're so cute with their little chubby cheeks! 9 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:33,634 (MAKING NIBBLING SOUNDS) 10 00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:37,171 You really are adorable. 11 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:40,308 Central Park chews up "adorable" and poops it out. 12 00:00:43,277 --> 00:00:46,514 I heard the word adorable, so here I am! 13 00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:51,085 Could I go to the park with you? 14 00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:53,554 Oh, sweetie, I would love that, but I need a little time to be alone. 15 00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:57,291 Like I was on prom night, 16 00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:59,593 when my date dumped me for the entire drill team. 17 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,264 But why share my bitterness with you? 18 00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:06,667 Please let me come! I need sunlight. 19 00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:10,404 Must have vitamin D. 20 00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:13,507 Okay. I'll be alone with you. 21 00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:15,376 All better! 22 00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:20,281 Hey, I hear you're going to the park. 23 00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:22,683 And yet, when I call you to do your homework, you don't hear a thing. 24 00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:27,455 So, I hear we are going to the park. 25 00:01:29,323 --> 00:01:30,391 Yep. Think fast! 26 00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:34,695 I think... Ouch! 27 00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:39,400 Emma, are you coming to the park with us? 28 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:42,236 Sorry, I'm updating my status. 29 00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:44,472 "Just invited to the park. Now sitting on the couch." 30 00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:48,276 Good job, Emma. Keep living life to the fullest. 31 00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:52,213 Bertram? I'm going to the park alone. 32 00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:54,682 With Zuri, Ravi, and Luke. 33 00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:58,152 And anyone else we happen to meet along the way. 34 00:01:58,186 --> 00:01:59,720 Now you know why I always sneak out down the back stairs. 35 00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:03,557 (HISSING) 36 00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:05,393 They're never coming back for you. 37 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:07,328 Let's go search their rooms for loose change. 38 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:16,937 * Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh 39 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:20,508 * Hey Jessie, hey Jessie 40 00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:24,212 * It feels like a party every day 41 00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:27,648 * Hey Jessie, hey Jessie 42 00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:31,319 * But they keep on pulling me every which way 43 00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:34,488 * Hey Jessie, hey Jessie 44 00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:38,392 * My whole world is changing turning around 45 00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:41,929 * They got me going crazy the ground're shaking 46 00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:45,466 * But they took a chance on the new girl in town 47 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:49,270 * And I don't want to let them down, down, down 48 00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:50,571 * Hey Jessie 49 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,242 * Hey Jessie 50 00:02:56,410 --> 00:03:00,248 * It feels like a party every day 51 00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:03,584 * Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Jessie * 52 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,723 Hey, guys, you want to hear a song? 53 00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:10,558 What's it about? 54 00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:13,627 Oh, a little life lesson I learned. 55 00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:14,695 See ya. 56 00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:20,401 Jessie, I would love to hear your musical stylings. 57 00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:22,636 Aw. Thanks, Ravi! 58 00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:24,705 (PLAYING OUT OF TUNE) 59 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:28,276 Oh, look. I'm just...sual tree! 60 00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:32,780 You're losing them. 61 00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,815 People left the Titanic slower. 62 00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:42,390 Bertram, can I ask you a question? 63 00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:43,757 I'm real busy cleaning right now. 64 00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:49,029 But this is super important! 65 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,631 I'm updating my profile picture. 66 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,435 Do these make me look smarter? 67 00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:58,306 You want to look smarter, stand next to Luke. 68 00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:02,276 Say cheese, Emma! Cheese! 69 00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:07,515 (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) 70 00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:09,383 Hey, Bertram, do you want a new profile picture? 71 00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,385 No, thank you. I don't live my life on the computer. 72 00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:14,388 What life? 73 00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,593 Don't you want to know what your high school friends are doing? 74 00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:20,728 I know what they're doing. 75 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:21,695 Time in prison. 76 00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:26,500 Although, I have always wondered how 77 00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:28,302 Karen Holtzhauer turned out. 78 00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:31,439 I kind of liked her. 79 00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:32,540 (WHISPERING) Karen Holtzhauer. 80 00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:36,444 (GASPS) More like Karen Hotzhauer! 81 00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:42,683 Looks like she lives in New York, she's single, and she's not in prison! 82 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,852 Wow, she looks even prettier without the mullet. 83 00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:51,759 * Had it up to here with these Texas guys * 84 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,796 It's coming along. 85 00:04:57,865 --> 00:04:59,633 (WHIMPERING) 86 00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:04,372 Oh, Ravi. 87 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,873 (EXCLAIMS) 88 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:08,576 Are you all right? 89 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:09,610 I was watching the ducks in the pond 90 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:13,681 when I saw a mob of people running towards me. 91 00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:15,449 My instinct was to flee. 92 00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:20,354 Ravi, it's just a 5k run. 93 00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:22,490 Didn't you have runs back in India? 94 00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:25,759 Only when I ate bad chicken tikka. 95 00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:28,529 Come on, Ravi, let's leave Jessie alone. 96 00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:30,431 She needs to work on her song. 97 00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:31,465 A lot. 98 00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:36,704 Okay... 99 00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:40,674 (DRUM MACHINE PLAYING) 100 00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:45,446 * A cowboy hat he put a rope around my heart 101 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:51,752 * And everything was awesome at the start 102 00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:53,687 * Then he kissed a bleach blonde waitress 103 00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:56,524 * and I saw through his disguise 104 00:05:56,557 --> 00:06:00,661 * Oh, I've had it up to here with these Texas guys * 105 00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:04,398 (ALL CHEERING) 106 00:06:04,432 --> 00:06:07,167 Oh! Thank you! 107 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,469 New Yorkers, always littering! 108 00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:11,605 I'll take care of that. 109 00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:14,642 Where did you come from? 110 00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,610 Oh, my parents say the stork brought me. 111 00:06:16,644 --> 00:06:20,514 But the seventh graders have a more interesting theory. 112 00:06:20,548 --> 00:06:22,483 New rule. No talking to seventh graders. 113 00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,953 And I thought you didn't like my music. 114 00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:29,890 Well, that was before George Washington joined the act. 115 00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,925 Now, I think we should be a trio. 116 00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,762 (DRUM MACHINE PLAYING) 117 00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:50,744 Five bucks! 118 00:06:52,713 --> 00:06:55,549 Hello, Abe Lincoln! Keep dancing, partner. 119 00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:56,684 (DRUM MACHINE PLAYING) 120 00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:06,226 Okay, I've washed my face and buttoned my vest. 121 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,462 Let's take my profile picture. 122 00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:11,832 You can't take a picture looking like... You. 123 00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,502 No offense taken. 124 00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:17,871 We totally need to youthinize you. 125 00:07:17,905 --> 00:07:21,008 What? 126 00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,476 You know, make you look younger. 127 00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:25,312 Oh, thank goodness. 128 00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:30,484 Here, try this on. 129 00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:35,656 All right, I'm trusting you. 130 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,562 Well, this was a mistake. 131 00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:46,834 You look fabulous! 132 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:47,601 Positively Bieberific. 133 00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,540 I can't breathe. Take the picture. Take the picture! 134 00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:55,643 (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) 135 00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:56,544 Got it! 136 00:07:56,844 --> 00:07:57,845 (GROANS) 137 00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:02,916 Oh... 138 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,084 I feel better. 139 00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:07,555 I don't. I just swallowed a button! 140 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:11,659 (GAGGING) 141 00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:15,563 And here it is. 142 00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:19,800 Fairfield. Please hold. 143 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,068 Congressman, here's your prescription. 144 00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,571 Hope that rash clears up. 145 00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:28,008 Thanks. 146 00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:32,880 My goodness, this looks like the Calcutta train station during rush hour. 147 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:33,881 Which is every hour. 148 00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:35,683 It's Doormageddon! 149 00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,953 Can we help you, Tony? 150 00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:41,789 Thanks, but you could never handle it. 151 00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:45,926 (WHISTLES) 152 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,929 Okay, people, two groups! 153 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:52,566 Those who live here and those who wish they did! 154 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:56,837 Group one, kindly follow me to the elevator. 155 00:08:56,870 --> 00:09:01,008 Group two, don't let the door hit you where Mother Nature split you. 156 00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:05,012 Oh, heck to the no! 157 00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:07,748 This building is my turf! 158 00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,686 Oh, okay, peddle your cookies. 159 00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:17,024 But I will need a two-box kickback. 160 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:18,726 Go. 161 00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:23,096 Okay, maybe you can handle it... 162 00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:23,731 You want a cookie? 163 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:27,868 Thanks. 164 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:28,969 That will be five bucks. 165 00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:35,676 * The next year I got stuck on a football jock 166 00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:38,879 * He tackled me with swagger and his twangy Texas talk 167 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:42,015 * Then he made a pass at the whole drill team 168 00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:44,151 * and I saw through all his lies 169 00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:47,688 * Oh, I've had it up to here with these Texas guys * 170 00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:57,364 Yeah! Poppin'! Tight! 171 00:09:57,397 --> 00:09:59,633 So far off the chain you can't even see it anymore. 172 00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:01,034 "Where is it?" I dunno, you tell me. 173 00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:01,735 That's how good that was. 174 00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:04,672 J.J. Mayfield, music producer. 175 00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:07,607 My card, my brochure, my profile. 176 00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:11,044 You make music videos? 177 00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:12,913 I make stars, kid. 178 00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:13,781 I make kids stars. 179 00:10:14,782 --> 00:10:16,750 You discovered T-Jam? 180 00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:18,786 I just downloaded his latest ringtone. 181 00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:19,753 I always wanted to be my own ringtone! 182 00:10:19,787 --> 00:10:20,921 You think we're that good? 183 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,924 I think spicy Italian sausage is good. 184 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:27,761 I think world peace is good, but you guys are great. 185 00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:30,163 Let's make a demo. I'll kick open some doors, book some clubs. 186 00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:31,899 Next stop, "Hello, I'm famous. Who are you?" 187 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,234 We'll call you... 188 00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:38,672 I think we just got discovered! 189 00:10:38,706 --> 00:10:41,742 I knew I was good, but I didn't know I was sausage good! 190 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:50,884 Oh. It says here it costs $1,200 to produce a demo video. 191 00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:51,819 How much do we have in the guitar case? 192 00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:58,826 42 dollars, 10 cents, three arcade tokens... Ooh! Some raisins. 193 00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:06,099 Definitely not raisins. 194 00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:07,835 Stupid squirrels! 195 00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:16,209 And here's the new you! 196 00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:20,147 Ugh. 197 00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:25,953 I guess the camera does add a few pounds. 198 00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:30,023 So does a steady diet of bacon and donuts. 199 00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:31,859 Hey. Before you kids came along, I was a swimsuit model. 200 00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:34,862 Really? 201 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:37,064 No, but I didn't break a sweat putting on my socks. 202 00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:42,035 Don't worry, I'll just work a little computer magic. 203 00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:43,103 First, let's add some highlights to your wig. 204 00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,740 EMMA: Oops. 205 00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:49,242 I look like America's most wanted leprechaun. 206 00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:55,983 Now, let's shave off a few pounds. 207 00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:57,785 You'll go from chunky... 208 00:11:58,919 --> 00:11:59,987 To hunky! 209 00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:03,957 Wow. 210 00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:05,759 Can I borrow that for a second? 211 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,061 (CHUCKLES) 212 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:12,966 Okay, now you've gone too far. 213 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,102 You look like a Bertram bobblehead. 214 00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:18,338 Who cares? I'm thin with hair. Press send. 215 00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:22,943 Okay, how are we gonna come up with $1,200? 216 00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:25,312 Ooh! 217 00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:28,916 This has gotta be worth at least $1,250. 218 00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:31,819 We'll have money left over for sushi. 219 00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:32,219 I can't steal from your parents. 220 00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:36,323 It's not stealing. It's just... 221 00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:39,059 Taking without permission. 222 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,294 I can hear the judge laughing now. 223 00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:43,931 Okay, I have about $800 in savings. 224 00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:46,166 Great! I've got $100 in birthday money. 225 00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:49,136 That equals the $1,200 we need! 226 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,204 What we need is to get you a math tutor! 227 00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:55,275 ZURI: (ON INTERCOM) Maybe I can help you out. 228 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,110 Zuri? 229 00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:00,981 It's not polite to eavesdrop. 230 00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:04,251 I can let you have a hundred bucks. 231 00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:06,019 Keep talking. 232 00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:09,122 And I can give you the rest in rupees. 233 00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:14,061 I will be a silent partner. I will stay in the background. 234 00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:16,263 I will support and strategize. I will... 235 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:20,300 For a silent partner, you sure run your mouth. 236 00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,235 Thanks, guys. We'll pay you back every penny. 237 00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:23,971 So? 238 00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:26,874 Let's give Mr. Mayfield a call and tell him the JessieLuke Project is ready to roll. 239 00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:29,943 (CHUCKLES) You mean the LukeJessie Project. 240 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,845 Oh, no, no, no, the JessieLuke Project. 241 00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:33,180 LJESSIE: Really?. 242 00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:36,316 When this thing goes south, I get my money back before you. 243 00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:47,995 This is it. Your launch pad. 244 00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:49,329 (MIMICS EXPLOSION) Into orbit. 245 00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:50,363 (LAUGHS) 246 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:54,434 Houston, we have a problem! Too much talent! 247 00:13:56,403 --> 00:14:01,141 Well, I did place second in my middle school talent show. 248 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:06,379 I would have won, but Tiffany Haskell's flaming baton set my sock puppets on fire. 249 00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:09,016 Great story. Save it for the talk shows. 250 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,418 We're gonna be on talk shows? 251 00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:13,253 I call the seat closest to Conan! 252 00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:16,156 What? Why do you get to sit next to Conan? 253 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,358 Oh, because I have charm, talent and the freckles. 254 00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:20,427 Wow... 255 00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:21,228 Let's shoot this thing. 256 00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:23,263 Here? Just in front of the wall? 257 00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:24,364 We'll put the background in later. 258 00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:24,998 You make your magic, I'll make mine. 259 00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:30,203 Forget that. 260 00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:32,339 We need to zazz up the act. Here. 261 00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:39,346 How am I supposed to play a sensitive song of love and loss on this? 262 00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:42,049 Easy, like this. 263 00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:44,184 (DISTORTED CHORD RINGING) 264 00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:47,887 My teeth are actually vibrating. 265 00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,423 Cool, huh? 266 00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:53,026 Now, go pour yourself into this. 267 00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:59,032 Lovely. Where's the rest of it? 268 00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:03,336 Look, if we're making changes, 269 00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:06,940 it would be nice if your look matched the theme of my song. 270 00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:09,409 What, you want me to dress like a cowboy? 271 00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:12,079 (CHUCKLES) 272 00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,046 Howdy, partner. 273 00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:21,321 Hey, where you been, door munchkins? 274 00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:25,225 We gave Jessie and Luke money for their music video. 275 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:28,195 They have been discovered by a big-time producer. 276 00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:29,262 Woot, woot! 277 00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:30,497 See? 278 00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:32,966 J.J. Mayfield? 279 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,234 The guy's a scam artist! 280 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:37,704 He takes advantage of suckers with big dreams and small IQs. 281 00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:39,139 How do you know? 282 00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:41,474 Because I was one of those suckers! 283 00:15:41,508 --> 00:15:44,511 Last year, J.J. told me he could open doors, 284 00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:47,180 but 12 hundred bucks later, the only one opening doors is me! 285 00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:51,384 See? 286 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:55,355 Jessie better not lose my money. 287 00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:58,125 I get paid back or things get ugly. 288 00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:02,395 How's it going? 289 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:07,167 Thor? 290 00:16:09,769 --> 00:16:12,039 I've been checking out the profiles of my high school classmates, 291 00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:14,574 and I look so much better. 292 00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:18,278 They all got fat and bald! 293 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:19,179 And the guys don't look so great either. 294 00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:23,416 (TABLET CHIMES) 295 00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:26,753 Look, Karen Holtzhauer accepted your buddy request! 296 00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:28,388 (GASPS) Oh! 297 00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:30,423 I can't wait to get in touch with her! 298 00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:33,460 If things work out, you're gonna be watching my tiny new butt 299 00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,028 strut off into the sunset. 300 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,198 Right. 301 00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:41,168 So, let's check out Karen's pics! 302 00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:49,242 EMMA: Wow, that's a lot of kids! 303 00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:52,379 Please tell me she's a school teacher or she operates a pickpocket ring. 304 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:54,481 Nope. 305 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:57,050 They're tagged with the same last name. 306 00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:58,451 They're all hers. 307 00:16:58,485 --> 00:16:59,486 (CRYING) 308 00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:04,124 And look! It says she wants to have more. 309 00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:10,497 What a waste. 310 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:15,535 I can't believe I worked so hard to get into shape. 311 00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,270 I'm gonna go get a bacon-wrapped donut. 312 00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:21,208 You sure don't look like Dr. Chang, 313 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,611 but okay. 314 00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:25,645 Here's your key. 315 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:35,355 Tony's job is tougher than it looks. 316 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,590 Yeah. And I ate too many kickback cookies. 317 00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:39,626 I feel sick. 318 00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:48,501 (RETCHING) 319 00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:51,371 Here are your groceries, madam. 320 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,606 Oh, looks like your macaroni salad spilled. 321 00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:02,449 That wasn't macaroni salad. That was tossed cookies. 322 00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:07,520 Uh-oh. Now I feel terrible for taking her tip. 323 00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:08,555 And I will get over it. 324 00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:21,234 I look so stupid. If I saw me, I'd beat myself up. 325 00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:25,438 Well, I'm wearing a dress that, in my hometown, would get me arrested. 326 00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:29,176 What's your hometown? Lamesville, USA? 327 00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:31,311 No! That's our sister city. 328 00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:34,414 Hey, hey. You both look great. 329 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,316 Let's show the video camera how great you look! 330 00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:38,585 First, she has to change her song. 331 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:39,786 It's just a backup for my dancing anyways! 332 00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:43,523 (GASPS) No, you are the backup dancer for my singing. 333 00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:47,260 (GASPS) 334 00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:50,163 The only reason people will watch this video is because I'm starring in it! 335 00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:52,399 You little egomaniac. 336 00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:55,302 People want to watch me. Do, re, mi. Me. Not you, me! 337 00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:58,605 Who cares? I got a Lady Gaga wannabe coming in half an hour, 338 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,474 and if I keep her waiting, her meat dress is gonna spoil. 339 00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:04,677 So let's make with the music and the dancing! 340 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,248 (DRUM MACHINE PLAYING) 341 00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:16,389 * The next year I got stuck on a football jock 342 00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:20,727 * He tackled me with swagger and his twangy Texas talk 343 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,295 * Then he made a pass at the... * 344 00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:25,332 (GLASS SHATTERING) 345 00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:26,733 Hey! That's an expensive camera! 346 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:29,369 Not anymore. 347 00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:31,604 It was her fault. 348 00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:32,705 No, nuh-uh. He started it. 349 00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:34,274 Did, too! 350 00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:38,478 Hey, stop! Stop. Stop. 351 00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:41,481 I am going to get the other camera, and you better not break it. 352 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:42,582 I got it for my bar mitzvah. 353 00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:47,554 Stop! 354 00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:49,389 Don't sing! Don't dance! Don't entertain in any way! 355 00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:52,559 Not much chance of that. 356 00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:54,494 What are you doing here? 357 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,629 J.J.'s trying to rip you off! 358 00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:58,565 What? No. He's gonna make me into a ringtone! 359 00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:01,368 Yeah, he's T-Jam's manager. 360 00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:02,769 He was T-Jam's dog walker. 361 00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:04,371 And he got fired 'cause he lost the dog! 362 00:20:06,473 --> 00:20:07,940 He can't make you famous. 363 00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:10,577 He's just gonna sell you a cheap video that I could make with a cell phone. 364 00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:11,344 Hey... 365 00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:15,615 Tony, right? 366 00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:18,285 I'm still waiting to hear back from the label about your demo. 367 00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:23,656 This young man? Like an angel on kazoo! 368 00:20:23,690 --> 00:20:24,691 I mean, I get shivers! 369 00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:29,429 I can't believe we were gonna give this guy $1,200. 370 00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:31,264 Were gonna? Are gonna! 371 00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:32,532 Not gonna! 372 00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:35,268 So you haven't paid him anything yet? 373 00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:37,404 We were supposed to pay him after we shot the video, 374 00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:40,307 but we were too self-centered and childish to get anything done. 375 00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:44,411 So, ha-ha! 376 00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:46,646 PrRight! What's up?m! 377 00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,648 Who needs you? 378 00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:50,583 I still got Tony here. 379 00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:53,320 All he needs is a new demo, and look out. 380 00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:57,824 Who's the most famous kazoo player in the history of everything? 381 00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:58,858 Tony! 382 00:21:01,661 --> 00:21:03,563 You really think so? 'Cause I've been working on some new tunes... 383 00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,532 Great, I'll take a debit card. 384 00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:08,301 Come on, kazoo boy. 385 00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:09,402 Hey! It doesn't even have to be yours! 386 00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:18,311 * A cowboy hat he put a rope around my heart 387 00:21:18,345 --> 00:21:21,481 * And everything was awesome at the start 388 00:21:21,514 --> 00:21:24,751 * Then he kissed a bleach blonde waitress 389 00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:25,952 * And I saw through his disguise 390 00:21:25,985 --> 00:21:30,857 * Oh, I've had it up to here with these Texas guys 391 00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:35,562 * So now I'm here in NYC 392 00:21:35,595 --> 00:21:39,732 * Gonna find a guy who's only into me 393 00:21:41,534 --> 00:21:45,872 * The Lone Star State is great but I've said my goodbyes 394 00:21:45,905 --> 00:21:50,343 * I've had it up to here with those Texas guys 395 00:21:50,377 --> 00:21:53,913 * I've had it up to here with those Texas guys * 396 00:21:59,519 --> 00:22:00,453 Tony, that was awesome. 397 00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:03,423 Wow, you really are an angel on the kazoo. 398 00:22:04,691 --> 00:22:05,892 It's a gift. 399 00:22:05,925 --> 00:22:09,896 Well, I'm still wiped out from my day off. 400 00:22:09,929 --> 00:22:11,698 So I'm gonna go up to my room. 401 00:22:11,731 --> 00:22:12,064 I'll come too! 402 00:22:12,098 --> 00:22:13,800 As will I! 403 00:22:13,833 --> 00:22:14,901 WaI'm in!me! 404 00:22:14,934 --> 00:22:15,835 I wanna come! 405 00:22:15,868 --> 00:22:15,935 I meant alone. 406 00:22:20,540 --> 00:22:21,774 Can't blame a guy for trying.