Okay, larger ornaments go on the bottom, smaller on the top,
and gold and silver tinsel must never cross!
Emma's a little OCD. Obsessed with Christmas details.
I just want everything to be perfect for when Mom and Dad come home!
Back home on the army base, we used to just spray-paint a missile red and green,
hang a few grenades on it, and hoo-ah! Merry Christmas!
Jessie! Help!
Ha! You're under the mistletoe.
Ha! You're underage!
There you go.
Oh, goodie. Now I can reach.
Ow!
I'm a butler, not a stepstool!
Zuri, that doesn't go there.
Okay.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
How about if I put it here?
I know where you can both put it.
Bertram! Don't make me wash your mouth out with tinsel!
I think it needs to be higher.
Okay!
(JOOw! Ow! Ow!NG)
That crackling sound you hear isn't the fire.
It's my spine.
(SOBBING)
* Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh
* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
* It feels like a party every day
* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
* But they keep on pulling me every which way
* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
* My whole world is changing Turning around
* They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground
* But they took a chance on the new girl in town
* And I don't want to let them down, down, down
* Hey Jessie
* It feels like a party every day
* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie *
That wasn't ice skating! That was ultimate fighting in a meat locker!
It was awesome. You spent more time skating on your face
than on your feet.
New Yorkers are so rude. I can't believe that little girl ran over me!
Hello!
You fell right in front of me!
You probably should have stayed in the beginners' lane.
There were lanes?
Jessie, you should have stayed at the snack bar with me, eating chesty nuts.
* I'm off to Cabo and vacation
* Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
* No more kids and aggravation
* Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ha-ha-ha
(OPERATICALLY) * Ha!
Wow. Bertram is belting a bitter butler ballad. Bravo!
I won't miss you, or you, and I think I'll miss you least of all!
(BERTRAM CHUCKLING)
Bertram, you forgot your hammock.
That's not a hammock. It's my bathing suit, which I will wear
as I frolic in the crystal blue waters of Mexico!
(SCATTING JOYFULLY)
And this is my impression of the fish when he does.
(SCREAMING)
Adios, suckers!
Hey, Ravi, want to write our lists to Santa?
Who is this Santa you speak of?
Oh, he's wonderful. He's old and chubby and he has a cool beard.
So he is like Bertram?
No, Santa likes his job.
He watches every child all the time.
He knows when you've been sleeping. He knows when you're awake.
A fat man is constantly spying on us?
Is it just me, or is that really creepy?
No, it's great! Because if you've been good, he brings you toys!
But what if you have been bad?
Don't be.
JESSIE: Okay, kids. I've got a lot of stuff to buy, so let's get in and get out.
I want to go see Santa!
He is here?
Ravi, why do you look so scared?
Because Zuri told me a horrible tale about this fat, judgmental gnome,
a corpulent voyeur obsessed with children and their naughtiness!
This Santa person is not real, is he Jessie?
Of course Santa is real! And he loves children.
For breakfast?
Oh, man up, Mowgli!
Look! There's Santa!
Hey! Nice boys and girls wait their turn.
But if you want lap time now with the big guy, you can slip me some cookie dough.
Hey, Jessie! Santa's bouncer is trying to hit us up for a bribe.
Little girl, that's a ho, ho, horrible accusation.
Back of the line!
Don't talk to my kids that way!
Please do not provoke Santa's peevish henchman.
Get lost, before I convince a certain someone
to put these kids on the naughty list!
No!
Do not talk to my kids like that! I'm watching you!
Don't worry, Zuri. You and Ravi will get your turn on Santa's lap.
(CRYING)
He beckons me like Yama, the god of death who dwells in the fires of naraka!
(SCREAMING)
He's gonna lose it when the Easter Bunny comes to town.
Luke, I told you the pattern was popcorn, popcorn, cranberry, popcorn!
Instead, you did cranberry, cranberry, popcorn, cranberry.
Oh, I know. And I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life.
Once, I made a gingerbread house that wasn't up to code.
It collapsed on a little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I hate snow.
Just because one little jumbo jet slides off the runway
into short-term parking, my vacation is ruined!
(SOBS)
Jessie, can you help me wrap my present for Mr. Kipling?
Oh, of course, sweetie. What did you get him?
BUgh!
(INSECTS BUZZING)
(CJESSIE: Emma!NG)
CHRISTINA: Hi, guys!
MORGAN: Hey, guys!
(CHILDREN EXCLAIMING)
Merry almost Christmas!
Listen, guys, all the planes coming out of Chicago have been grounded,
so Mom and Dad are gonna hop on a train.
With the 10,000 other people who are also stuck at the airport.
So we're gonna make lots of new friends!
Is Mrs. Mommy upset?
Hard to tell since she got the BOTOX.
So, kids, why don't you go get Great-Grandma Ross'
porcelain angel for the top of the tree?
(ZURI GASPS)
Jessie, come closer.
CHRISTINA: Whoa, hey! No! Not that close!
We need to get her a faciaOh, yeah!istmas.
I texted you a list of some more presents you need to get.
Oh... Yes, I see!
Uh, maybe it would be faster to send me a list of things you don't need.
You mean like a negative nanny with humongous pores? (LAUGHING)
(FEIGNS LAUGHTER)
Well, I will be there when the stores open.
Me and my cavernous pores.
Get off it!
I always put the angel on!
That's why it's my turn!
Gotta go! Ho ho ho!
Hey! Back away from the railing!
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times.
No fighting over a priceless, extremely fragile family heirloom
at the top of the stairs next to a steep drop!
Ravi! Mr. Kipling is eating his present before Christmas!
Mr. Kipling! Shame on you!
(SNAPPING SOUND)
Stand back!
(CREAKING)
ALL: (SCREAMING) No!
(ALL CHEERING)
And Mr. Kipling makes the catch!
(ALL CHEER)
For the 9,000th time today, we're out of any doll
that screams, cries, or wets. And if you ask me again, I'll do all three!
Next!
Hi. How are you today?
I'm sorry for asking. Here. I don't want the kids to see what I'm buying,
so can you just hurry up with this?
Gee, and here I was hoping to ring in the new year with you.
Christina Ross? The supermodel?
No offense,
but you're no Christina Ross.
I know, I know. I have pores like manhole covers. Moving on!
Christina gave me her card to use, so just ring me up and you can go back
to service with a scowl.
Security!
(ALARM RINGING)
What's the problem?
Ugh, you again!
Ugh, back at ya!
Keep your pointy ears out of this.
She gave me a stolen credit card!
She's trying to pass herself off as Christina Ross!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Right, and I'm Tyra Banks.
(LAUGHING)
Ow! No, no, no!
You don't understand! I'm a nanny. That's my boss' credit card.
Her kids are here. They'll explain it. Emma! Luke!
Hey! Get your hands off my girlfriend!
You're his girlfriend? That is sick!
I'm putting you and your whole gang away.
Gang? We're just kids!
I hate kids!
(EMMA WHIMPERS)
But you're Santa's helper.
No, I'm not. I'm undercover. I'm a store detective.
Oh, so if anything goes missing off the bottom two shelves, you're on it!
Ow!
Keep your curly-toed shoes off my kid. Come on, guys.
Hold it, criminals! You're all coming with me!
Ignore the elf.
Don't make me use this.
What? Am I gonna get a candy caning?
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(ALL GASPING)
Uh, she was really naughty this year.
I should be the one laying on a table getting salt rubbed into me.
Bertram, can you see the muscles on my skin twitching?
Because I am pretty sure that is happening.
That's a sugar high. Don't worry. Afterwards, you'll sleep so soundly
you won't hear your teeth rotting.
(SCREAMS)
(EXCLAIMS)
Well, I found the fruit salad.
Mmm, I love fruit. Almost as much as I love sprinkles.
Sprinkles, sprinkles, sprinkles!
I need to eat more sprinkles! I need a nap.
Okay, this is officially the worst shopping trip ever.
And that includes the time my dad took me shopping for my first training bra!
The army surplus store is not exactly known for its young miss department!
We're never gonna get out of here!
I'm never gonna have a boyfriend, or a sweet 16, or prom!
Unless I have a prom in prison... I don't wanna have a prison prom!
I'd like to volunteer to slap Emma back to sanity.
(SCREAMING) Get us out of here!
Stop shaking me! I'm not a snow globe!
Emma, don't worry. I'm gonna bust us out of this joint.
All right? Just... Oh, oh!
I saw this in a movie once.
Gonna chisel us out of here.
By the time you do, Emma will be dancing at her prison prom.
(CRYING)
There will be no prison prom!
Well, I guess that's why nobody ever tunneled out of jail with a candy cane.
Warden! Let me out! I'm innocent!
I'll get the keys.
Prepare to be grateful.
I got it! I got it! I got it!
I don't got it.
I think I'm stuck.
Here.
Ow! You're gonna rip my ears off!
What do you care? You never listen anyway.
(SCREAMS)
Here, ready? And go!
(SCREAMING)
Pipe down! The girls in the complaint department are complaining!
Look, Officer Jingles, (CHUCKLING)
I know my rights and I demand a phone call.
Okay.
Hello? Hello?
(COW MOOING)
(GASPS)
Does anybody here speak cow?
You gave us a toy phone?
You're in toy jail.
We need a Christmas miracle!
Jingles, the police just called.
There was a heist at a jewelry store.
Someone just stole five golden rings.
ALL: Five golden rings?
So they can't pick up your suspects.
Well, I'm not just gonna let them go.
But the store Christmas party is starting, and I got us matching outfits!
Come on, Officer Jingles. You don't want to miss the party.
After all, you've got the limbo contest in the bag.
Oh, just get out and never come back!
LUKE: Okay!
Free at last! From now on, I'm shopping online!
JESSIE: Go, go.
Thank you, sir... Ma'am... Officer? Elf? I don't...
Hey! You forgot something!
Here, bite down on this.
Oh, boy.
This is gonna hurt you a lot more than it hurts me.
(GOw!TS)
Mommy and Daddy should be home by now.
Perhaps the evil Santa has kidnapped them and put them to work
in his North Pole sweatshop!
Okay, I'm gonna say this once more, slowly and calmly.
(SCREAMING) Santa is a good guy!
Do you know how late it is?
How dare you leave me all alone with these sugar fiends!
Yeah, I can see how tough it's been.
Meanwhile, I was caned and thrown in the slammer by a power-mad elf!
Long story. About a short person.
Well, I'm still picking cherries out of my nose!
I don't want to hear about your nose cherries!
Or how you should be shaking your maracas in a Mexican disco!
I should be shaking my...
Hi, guys.
ALL: Hi!
Hi, Mommy!
Where are you?
Well, we're on the train, but the blizzard has shut everything down.
Oh, that gives me an idea for a movie!
Two parents trying to get home to their kids for Christmas,
but they're trapped in a blizzard on a train!
How do you do it?
I don't know!
So you're not gonna be home for Christmas?
Of course we will, sweetie.
When you wake up Christmas morning, we'll be there.
And meantime, Jessie and Bertram are gonna make this
the best Christmas ever, right guys?
Right! The best ever.
Kids, gather by the fire, and Daddy and I will read you The Night Before Christmas.
Yeah, let's go.
I hope the evil Santa is not in that story.
We're lucky Morgan and Christina had these presents in their regifting closet.
That bike will be perfect for Ravi.
Only if he likes peddling in place.
This is a stationary bike!
He just came all the way from India.
He doesn't need to go anywhere else.
Meanwhile, this mushroom extract will be perfect for Zuri's laugh lines.
You can't put anti-aging make-up on a 7-year-old. She'll disappear!
Fine, then we will give Zuri the canned ham,
Luke the laser hair removal session...
You really want to put Luke in the same room with a laser?
Good lookin' out. Yeah, we'll give this to Emma.
She's starting to get a unibrow.
Okay, grab your beard, and let's go take some photos.
Why do I have to do this?
So Ravi sees that Santa is a good guy, and not a creepy stalker.
Ho, ho, ho.
Oh, come on. Show me the jolly!
I'm trying, but this beard is itchy and these pants smell like reindeer pee.
Ow! Ow! My hair!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Hey!
That hurts! DonStop!ve!
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Don'Hey!ve!
Let her go, you bearded brute! (SCREAMS)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
This is how we do it in Calcutta!
Ravi! Ravi! Stop! Quit!
Stop it!
Ravi! You're beating Santa!
With something that says "peace on Earth."
Yes, keep crawling like the insect you are!
Ravi, thank you so much, but Santa wasn't hurting me.
An innocent man does not run.
What is all the racket?
Are Mom and Dad here?
(SIGHS) No, guys, you know they wish they could be here,
but they can't control the weather.
All we wanted was to have Mommy and Daddy home.
I wouldn't say "all," because Mortal Terror 5 just came out,
but it was still really important!
(ALL CRYING)
Guys, guys, please don't cry! We can still have a fun Christmas.
Look, Zuri!
A ham!
Can you put sprinkles on it?
Of course. I can do anything you want.
Can you make Mommy and Daddy appear?
Oh, trust me, guys, if I could, they'd walk out of that elevator right now.
BOTH: Merry Christmas!
Thanks, Jessie! Now turn Luke into a pony!
Guys, I thought the trains were stopped. How did you make it home?
Mommy and Daddy ran into Santa Claus, and he gave us a ride home in his sleigh.
CHRISTINA: Absolutely.
And he even let me steer!
CHRISTINA: He was so nice!
Well, now I feel terrible, because I just beat the curry out of him.
(PIANO PLAYING CHRISTMAS MUSIC)
RAVI: Mr. Kipling loves his new antlers.
You are a cute little rein-lizard. Yes, you are.
Ooh, a new phone!
Cut! Love it!
Okay, sweetheart, that was great.
Let's try one more with a little more energy.
Ooh! A new phone! (SHRIEKING) I love it!
We'll go with the first one. I'll fix it in post.
You're my new best friend.
Next to Hammy.
Okay, guys, I want to take a picture by the tree.
Oh, and by the way, I love that the strings
are popcorn, popcorn, cranberry, popcorn.
I told you! I'm so glad someone appreciates my popcorn pattern.
Wait a minute. Where is Jessie?
Yeah, she needs to be in the family picture, too.
(JESSIE SNORING)
ZURI: Yeah.
All right, everybody gather around Jessie.
Aw, she looks so cute.
Aw, she's drooling.
That makes two of us.
Everybody, say "Jessie."
ALL: Jessie!
Huh?