It is 0700 hours!
Out of your cots and hit the mess hall
for eggs Florentine and chocolate croissants!
Okay, this rich people food really kills my whole military vibe.
Here's a fun fact.
When you're blow-drying doll hair, high is too high.
Oh. Uh, that's okay, sweetie.
Noses are overrated anyway. Just ask Voldemort.
Don't say his name!
Good morning, Jessie.
* Let's get this weekend started
(SCATTING)
* Started Started *
It's Monday.
Ugh. Wake me up when it's Saturday.
Oh!
Hello, good family. Who is ready to get their learn on?
Oh, my. (CHUCKLES) What you wearing?
It is my sherwani, only worn on very special occasions.
Since my tutor says I am now ready to start school
with Emma and Luke, what better day to wear it?
Maybe on a day when your nightclub act opens in Vegas.
Luke. That happens to be a very beautiful,
traditional Indian shaboopy.
Sure. Wani.
My point is that you look really great
and I know Luke is going to look out for you today.
(CHUCKLES)
You better look out for him.
How can I miss him? He looks like a traffic cone with hair.
Just go get dressed.
Your teachers send enough letters home
without you showing up in your underwear. Again.
So, what do you think of my shoes?
I think they look like some sort of medieval torture device.
Pretty hurts.
And all my friends will be wearing these in a few months.
How do you know?
Because I'm wearing them now.
It's my duty to help the fashion challenged.
Well, you'll just have to do your duty in flats.
(CHUCKLES) You said doody.
Get dressed.
* Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh
* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
* It feels like a party every day
* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
* But they keep on pulling me every which way
* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
* My whole world is changing Turning around
* They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground
* But they took a chance on the new girl in town
* And I don't want to let them down, down, down
* Hey Jessie
* It feels like a party every day
* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie *
Okay, so you have History, then Math, then Shop.
Just so you know, Shop doesn't involve shopping.
I learned that the hard way.
Thank you, but do not worry.
I have this school thing wired.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Fire! Fire! I will save my new school.
That was the school bell.
Not the "act like an idiot" bell.
Oh, right. What does the idiot bell sound like?
Because I want to be prepared.
I think you're prepared.
Class is starting. I gotta hustle.
Room 312, please.
Ravi K. Ross, pleased to meet you.
Cheerio, fellow pupil.
Would you like to see a picture of my lizard?
Ravi, dial it down.
I'm just trying to make friends,
but nobody seems to notice me.
Oh, they're noticing.
Look. I'm in a hurry, so here's what you need to do.
Find one main friend, meet all his friends,
and bam, you're popular.
Oh, I see.
Hello, friend.
Gosh. Oh, I wish it could be me,
but unfortunately, this school has a policy
against kids in different grades socializing.
I'm in sixth and you're in fifth. Just wouldn't be natural.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Fire, class, or idiot bell?
Class. Go.
Luke. Dale Davenport's back and now so is my nervous rash.
I thought he was suspended for a week.
Well, yeah, he was supposed to be,
but the lunch lady was too scared to testify.
Okay. Just calm down and don't make eye contact.
Uh, right.
I'm feeling kind of thirsty. Give me that.
Forty-five grams of sugar? You want me to be all jittery in class?
Tomorrow, you better bring me some carrot juice.
And bring some for yourself, too. Your body is a temple.
Don't make me knock it down.
Did you make eye contact?
No, I stopped at the nostrils. They were so flared.
And he had bats in the cave.
Why can't we just use Mom's credit card to buy me a new doll?
Because you appreciate things more when you work for them.
You think whining for something isn't work?
I threw a four-day tantrum to get that doll.
I cried off two pounds.
That's impressive. But selling homemade lemonade is an American tradition.
Plus, it's an easy way for kids to get pocket money.
So are ATMs. Can't we just build one of those?
No. You're going to earn the money for that doll.
How much is it, anyway? Like 20, 30 bucks?
Two hundred.
What?
Two-fifty if you want an outfit.
(GASPS) That doll dresses better than I do.
You said it, I didn't.
There. How does that look?
Is that supposed to be my handwriting?
Because I know which way my "E's" go.
It's adorable. Adorable sells.
I got your adorable right here.
You're right. Who could say no to that face?
Hi, Mrs. Chesterfield. Lemonade?
No.
Come on. How do you expect a little girl to make money in the big city?
Do what I did. Marry it.
Okay, Chesterfield doesn't count.
She only drinks human blood.
Oh. Lemonade, Officer?
Half off for New York's finest.
Don't be throwing discounts around willy-nilly.
Wait.
What is it?
It's a ticket for not having a vendor's permit.
Great job, Officer. You're keeping the streets safe from lemonade.
Maybe you'll get promoted to the snow cone task force.
(LAUGHS)
Uh-oh, he's coming back.
Run!
Hi, brother.
No.
What are you doing here?
I'm here to seek admission to your clique.
Ravi, I told you, the grades can't mix.
At school. But this is not school.
(CHUCKLES) Why is that kid dressed like a marshmallow?
This is a cricket uniform.
Dragon fire peppers, anyone?
They are hotter than Selena Gomez.
I love you, Go Go.
I'm gonna have to pass.
Okay, your loss.
But it is a six-hour match,
so do not complain when you get peckish.
Now, I'm going to go hammer in the wickets.
Wicket? Cricket? That kid can stick it.
How do you even know him?
(STUTTERS) I don't, really.
He's my dad's friend's cousin's dog's neighbor.
RAVI: Wickets are almost in.
(METAL CLANGS)
(WATER SPRAYING)
Oh, no, you busted a sprinkler pipe!
Oh, great, Luke.
Your dad's friend's cousin's dog's neighbor just flooded our field.
Let's go, guys.
(WATER SLOSHING)
Hello? Guys?
Are we now playing hide-and-go-seek?
I'm afraid they are now playing hide from the geek.
You know, this is actually better.
We're out of the sun, no bus fumes...
And the fuzz can't hassle us.
Hey, Emma. Are you limping?
No. I'm not limping. I'm dancing.
Good thing prom is four years away.
All right. Do not worry, Zuri, we'll have your $200 in no time.
That's 280 with the ticket.
Yes, I can do math.
I wasn't sure after seeing your spelling.
Zuri, hit me with a double.
I wish to drown my sorrows in lemonade.
Ravi, you're soaking wet. What happened?
I was trying to mingle and there was an irrigation mishap.
It is not easy being the new kid.
Mmm, tell me about it. I was a military brat.
Well, (CHUCKLES) I wasn't a brat. I was precious.
Is this going to take a while?
Because this wet uniform is starting to chafe.
Okay, the point is, the adult in me wants to say just be yourself
and everything will be fine.
But the teenager in me knows that being yourself
can sometimes be a one-way ticket to Swirlyville.
Ooh, Swirlyville. It sounds like a magical place
where everyone gets frozen yogurt.
No, a swirly is a toilet shampoo.
So, no sprinkles?
Sometimes.
Maybe you could find someone you admire and try and be like them.
Maybe I could. Thank you, Jessie.
I know exactly what I am going to do.
Oh, really? Oh, great. 'Cause I was just sort of winging it there.
Good evening, Miss Chesterfield.
Ugh. You cannot sell lemonade in my building, Bessie.
It is completely inappropriate.
Hello, Bertie. Ha-ha!
You want some fries with that shake?
I hate to turn down fries, but I'm gonna go with no.
(LAUGHS) Tease.
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
Why are you still here?
Please, Mrs. Chesterfield, let Zuri have her lemonade stand.
Do you have to crush a little girl's spirit?
(LAUGHS) Well, if I don't, who will?
It's for a really good cause.
Which is?
I need a new doll!
Hmm, that sounded a lot less selfish in my head.
Strange little girl, let this be a lesson to you.
When life gives you lemons, do not make lemonade.
Now go peddle your swill elsewhere.
That woman needs to lay off the haterade.
What is crack-a-lackin', dog pound?
Ravi, what are you doing? And why are you wearing my clothes?
I'm emulating my chosen role model,
homeslice.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Hip-hop, straight-up with a side of sizzle.
(MIMICS SIZZLING)
Ravi. Ravi, Ravi. Don't look at that kid.
You mean the behemoth with the lame mustache?
Did someone just call me a he-moth?
We meant no offense.
It was just good-natured banter betwixt chums.
Just for that, you can all treat me to lunch today.
Is this processed?
No, I think it's baloney. Please don't hurt me.
I don't have to. The nitrates will get you first.
It's organic.
It better be. Hey, lunch lady, you didn't see nothing.
Thanks a lot, Ravi.
I truly apologize, brother.
You know what? We may be brothers at home,
but outside the house,
just pretend you don't know me.
So now would be a bad time to return your underpants?
(SCREAMS)
Hello, sister.
Ravi. why are you hiding in my locker?
I have incurred the wrath of a muscle-bound goon,
and Luke says we are no longer brothers at school.
Ravi, that is not okay.
If it was, I would have disowned Luke a long time ago.
Pardon me. My ride is here.
(GASPS)
Oh. Hi, Jessie.
What are you doing here?
You forgot your Edgar Allan Poe book.
I read one of the stories on the bus.
What is it with this guy and dead chicks?
So, is there anything you'd like to tell me?
Nope. Thanks for the book. See you at home.
Emma, you're eight inches taller than when you left this morning.
Now, step out of the bag and explain yourself.
Well, the thing is...
Luke told Ravi they're not brothers anymore.
See you.
(SCREAMS)
Are you okay?
Luke, don't even think about going anywhere.
Emma, I told you not to wear those shoes at school.
Now, hand them over.
Come here.
Okay, okay, you were right.
I've had to go to the nurse three times this week
with blisters and bunions and bruises.
Oh, my.
And no one's followed my fashionHmm.d, anyway.
(GASPS) I stand corrected.
Looking good, Nurse Nancy.
Now, let's talk about that pantsuit.
Okay, now about you and Ravi.
Listen, you never turn your back on family.
Especially my family, 'cause they're all packing heat.
But Ravi embarrassed me.
A lot.
Oh, yeah? You think I'm not embarrassed
when my grandpa drives around in his pick-up truck
lip-synching to Katy Perry?
How about when my Aunt Ruby wears
a "Don't mess with Texas" belly shirt to Thanksgiving?
Every single year.
Ew!
With family, it's all about loyalty.
Okay, okay, I got it.
Good. Well, that worked.
And I didn't even have to bring up my Uncle Randy and his jump-roping ferrets.
What's up, dudes? Has anyone seen Ravi around?
Yeah, I saw him earlier, riding around on the janitor's cart.
Face it, Luke, this kid's weirder than the Boiled Egg Twins.
(GASPS)
Hey, you got any smart comments for me today?
Scientists have recently discovered subatomic particles
that can go faster than the speed of light
which threaten to undermine Einstein's theory of relativity.
Too smart?
The speed of my fist is about to threaten your teeth.
(IMITATING RAVI'S ACCENT) Wait. I am the one
who insulted your womanly mustache.
No, it was me.
It was me, I tell you.
Clearly, you are not smart enough to recognize a phony Indian accent.
I insist you pummel me.
Works for me.
(SCREAMS)
No. Leave my little brother alone.
ALL: Ooh!
Or else what, troll bait?
Or else I'm going to break your mouth-breathing face.
(GROoh.NG)
(NERVOUS LAUGHTER)
Multi-grain! Don't mind if I do.
(SCREAMS) It burns! Water! Water!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Ravi, what was in that sandwich?
Just bread, mayonnaise, and Indian dragon fire peppers.
One of the hottest peppers in the world.
(SCREAMS) My tongue, it's melting!
Yes, yes, it has that effect.
Wait until the seeds kick in.
(SCREAMS) It burns.
And the seeds kicked in.
(SCREAMS)
(CHUCKLES)
Mmm. Delicious.
That was awesome.
But how do you eat that without screaming in pain?
Where I come from, people sleep on beds of nails
and walk on hot coals.
This is nothing.
Thanks, Bro. And I'm sorry if I acted like a jerk.
You did, but I forgive you.
Hey, want to come hang out with me and my friends?
Thank you, but I have a prior engagement.
You are looking at the new
recording secretary of the reptile club.
Hey, that's cool.
(ALL PANTING)
That ghastly little girl kept us all hostage
in a moving sauna.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, never mind.
There you are, Zuri. Why is it so hot in here?
I find the space heater really moves product.
That's basically extortion.
But I made $300.
Who says crime doesn't pay?
Let's go get you that doll.
I can't. With the ticket, the space heater,
and this super-cute bathing suit,
I think I'm still short.
Ugh.
Strange little girl,
I told you no more selling lemonade in the building.
Yes, ma'am. I know I was wrong,
so to make up for it, I'm giving away free cookies.
Really? That Bessie didn't make those, did she?
No, they're Ravi's secret recipe.
(CHUCKLES) I shouldn't.
Oh, well. I did power walk today.
To the Falafel Hut. (LAUGHS)
How dare you judge me!
My arm's getting tired.
Well, if you insist.
They're dragon fire chocolate chip.
Mmm. (CHUCKLES)
Mmm.
Hot. Hot.
So hot!
Hotter than Anderson Cooper!
(BABBLING)
(SCREAMS) I need water!
Water won't help. What you need is milk.
Milk for sale. Milk for sale. Ten dollars a cup.
(GASPING)
I can't believe I wasted all that time on lemonade.
(GASPS)
Hey. Those are my shoes!
Oh, relax. I'm just borrowing them until you're 18.
Let me show you how it's done.
Take notes.