Jessie! They're having a Little Miss Big Apple beauty pageant!
Could I be in it?
Zuri, beauty pageants are sexist and demeaning to women.
How many did you lose?
Three. Now go play.
So wise of you not to let poor little Zuri into the beauty pageant.
Having you as a nanny is humiliating enough.
Agatha, I thought we were friends now.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Mates. Chums.
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Well, you thought wrong.
I'm just thinking of Zuri's feelings.
She wouldn't stand a chance in this pageant against my Lindsay.
Lindsay!
JESSIE: Whoa.
Talk about beauty and the beast.
What do you mean? Lindsay is lovely.
Having trouble connecting those dots, are ya?
My point is Lindsay's face has probably never made a horse faint.
That horse was very old, and clearly weak from lack of oats.
Lindsay's a black belt in karate.
Oh, please, every kid takes karate.
Doesn't mean they can actually do... (YELLS)
So Lindsay can do karate.
Big deal.
Zuri is beautiful, and talented,
and the most poised little girl I've ever met!
I'm stuck in a bucket! I'm stuck in a bucket!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(BOTH MIMICKING SIZZLING)
(GROANS) That's the third time this week!
I gotta get you a bucket that's smaller than your head.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
All right. Let's go home and butter up your head again.
Then afterwards we are going to start practicing.
For what?
You are going to be entered in the Little Miss Big Apple Beauty Pageant!
Mmm-hmm.
Gee, you get your head stuck in a bucket for two minutes,
and you miss so much!
* Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh
* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
* It feels like a party every day
* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
* But they keep on pulling me every which way
* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
* My whole world is changing Turning around
* They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground
* But they took a chance on the new girl in town
* And I don't want to let them down, down, down
* Hey Jessie
* It feels like a party every day
* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie *
Yum, yum, yum, yum!
Ew! You're gonna eat a rat with cheese?
Oh, dude, that's a weird snack, even for you.
This coming from a man who puts chocolate syrup on his spaghetti?
I'm thinking of patenting that.
I'm gonna call it "Chocoghetti."
I am doing an experiment for my science class.
I have not yet fed Whiskers, (CHUCKLES)
I call him Whiskers,
for 12 whole hours.
Now, I must record how long it takes him to find his food.
Aw, poor Whiskers.
I can hear his tiny stomach grumbling.
Actually, that's me.
That chocoghetti does not go down without a fight.
I cannot stand it.
Eat up, my little beady-eyed friend.
I cannot experiment on this poor, innocent animal.
(EXCLAIMS) Vermin in my kitchen!
And a rat.
Get that filthy rodent out of here,
or you're both going down the dumbwaiter shaft!
Too bad you can't experiment on Bertram.
Are you thinking what I am thinking?
That a minivan really isn't that much smaller than a regular van?
It is amazing you can tie your shoes.
They're Velcro.
So, when Agatha said Zuri could never win a beauty pageant,
suddenly all I could was yellow!
Don't you mean red?
No, yellow. I was looking at her teeth.
I can't believe that Gollum in a blazer insulted my sister!
Emma, it's not nice to insult people.
Now, let's work on Zuri's interview
so we can beat the ugly out of that she-troll!
Miss Ross, who is your hero?
Chubby the Bear.
Okay. Let's change that to George Washington.
If you had one wish, what would it be?
To marry Chubby the Bear.
Let's change that to world peace.
Almost no one's against that.
If you could have lunch with one historical figure,
who would it be?
And please don't say Chubby the Bear.
Oh, don't be silly.
It would be Chubby the Bear's grandfather,
Old Man Chubs.
This is gonna be a bigger disappointment than my Christmas bonus.
Okay, Zuri, we're here to practice your pageant walk.
Now, remember, you'll have a poufy dress,
so use cupcake hands.
Last time I saw somebody walk like that
was when Ravi got hit in the head with a baseball.
I'm trying to strut my stuff.
Not that I got much stuff to strut.
Ha! That's my so-called "competition"?
She looks better with the bucket on her head!
(LAUGHING)
Every time you laugh, I expect to look up
and see flying monkeys and, "Surrender, Dorothy."
One more crack out of you,
and I'm going to knock those veneers in your mouth
from here to Battery Park.
My teeth are real.
Not for long.
Okay, okay, okay.
Zuri's already got the beauty part of the pageant won.
And she's gonna win the talent part, too.
She's been taking piano lessons,
and she'd be playing Carnegie Hall if her bedtime wasn't 7:30.
Piano? How boring.
I actually just dozed off for a moment.
That explains the drool and bad breath.
I'll show you tiara-winning talent.
WhatHi-yah!u...
(GRUNTS)
Ow! That bishop has a pointy hat!
(PLAYING FUR ELISE)
Zuri, that's beautiful!
You're gifted, you're amazing!
Thank you!
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
And you can play without touching the keys.
Oh, that's not me. That's my teacher.
Oh. Well, let's hear you play it.
Okay.
(PLAYING VERY SLOWLY)
(PLAYS WRONG NOTE)
That's all I know.
Well, then play something you do know.
That's it. That's all I know.
What? I drop you off for piano lessons twice a week! What do you do there?
Drink apple juice and listen to Madame Kishka
sob about her no-good ex-boyfriend.
Apparently, he was playing hopscotch with other women.
Isn't there any piano teaching going on at your piano lesson?
Nope. Just a lot of crying.
That woman goes through more tissues than Ravi watching that dolphin movie.
(DOLPHIN CHITTERING)
The poor dolphin does not have a tail!
It is so sad.
Well, obviously we need to find you a new talent.
And Madame Kishka a new boyfriend.
That's not going to be easy.
She moonlights as a Hagar look-alike.
That's who she reminds me of! It's been driving me crazy!
Experiment number one.
Determine if the test subject can successfully navigate labyrinth
in pursuit of a reward.
I have no idea what you just said.
I just want to mess with Bertram.
What the...
Emma must be on another feng shui kick.
What is that delightful fragrance?
Could that be a rare Stella Royale,
the most magnificent of all Spanish cheeses?
(SNIFFING)
Whoa! Bertram could be a cheese bloodhound.
A-ha!
Oh! Come to me, Stella Royale!
Wow! He found the cheese in 12.7 seconds.
And he ate it in 2.3.
Okay, you've been taking ballet lessons.
And your ballet teacher is emotionally stable, right?
Eh.
So show us your moves!
Okay.
Let me guess. That's all you know?
Yup.
* Oh, say can you see (SINGING FLAT)
(SNARLING)
* By the dawn's early light
Hold it, Taylor-not-so-Swift.
I don't mean to be judgmental, but that was a bit pitchy.
And it might have been treason.
Experiment number two.
If Bertram chooses the unhealthy snack,
I will give him a small electric shock.
If he selects the healthy snack, nothing will happen.
What's the fun in that?
I say we zap him no matter what he does.
Bertram is coming. Hide!
(WHISTLING)
Cookies and carrots?
Cookies. (CHUCKLES)
(ELECTRICOw! BUZZING)
Ooh! Cookies.
Ow!
Fascinating. Subject displays absolutely no learning curve.
Ow!
Zuri is so untalented it's almost a talent.
Hello, Jessie.
I hope Zuri's talent is being a human mop,
because Lindsay is going to wipe the floor with her.
Well, I hope Lindsay's talent is impersonating a turkey,
because Zuri's going to beat the stuffing out of her!
(LAUGHS)
Meh.
Well, if you're so confident,
why don't we put a little wager on it?
I don't believe in gambling.
Whattaya got?
Whichever girl loses, her nanny has to...
Hang from the monkey bars, upside down!
Dressed like a monkey!
Done! You won't even need a costume.
Just don't shave for a few hours.
What are you doing? Zuri doesn't have a talent.
Unless desecrating the national anthem counts.
I know. I just wanted to wipe that snaggle-toothed smirk off Agatha's face.
So what's your plan?
First, I'm going to cry.
I hope something good will come out of that.
Experiment number three. Effect of physical exertion upon subject.
We get to watch Bertram exercise? (CHUCKLES)
This is gonna be hysterical!
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
For the first time ever, I'm glad I cleaned the oven.
If those two want a rat,
I'm giving them one that bites.
Ow!
All right, Zuri! I got the answer to winning the pageant.
You are going to sing!
But I can't sing.
Remember all the neighbors called to complain?
No, Zuri, they weren't complaining.
No, they were just worried you were hurt.
Look, I got this idea when I thought you were playing the piano.
Come on.
Now, pretend to sing.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
You want me to lip-synch? But wouldn't that be wrong?
No, it's like air guitar with your mouth.
Where on earth did you get that thing?
Tony knows a guy.
Wheeling is the latest fitness craze.
Everyone's doing it. Athletes, supermodels,
really big hamsters.
I live to wheel!
But you may have a go, my friend.
JuYeah, go ahead.n?
Whoa. Whoa.
Hey, look, Ma, I'm wheelin'!
Subject is displaying euphoria.
Whee!
Subject is now sweating like a plow horse with a cement saddle.
(GASPS)
Chest pain!
Ah, I see a white light.
Grandma, is that you?
It's me. Pumpkin.
I would have called, but I didn't have your number.
(CHOKING)
Oh, my gosh! Luke, what have we done?
All that exercise! His body didn't know what hit it!
This is horrible! Luke, give him mouth to mouth resuscitation!
I'd rather go to jail!
If Jessie grounded us two days for not eating our broccoli,
imagine the punishment for offing a butler!
Wait! I know what to do!
We'll need paper towels, garbage bags, and a hatchet.
What?
(ALL SCREAMING)
That's right, I'm alive!
And after what you two have done to me, you're lucky you are.
Bertram, I am truly sorry for abusing you in the name of science.
Luke made me do it.
Fish gotta swim.
In the future, please remember,
I am a person, not a science experiment.
So much for getting an A on my project.
On the bright side, at least we did not have to collect a stool sample.
Now you tell me.
(GROANS)
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
Lindsay just got a standing ovation for kicking a guy in the gut.
That's not fair. I did that to Ravi
and all I got was grounded.
You know what? You are gonna do great, Zuri.
Okay? I'm not even worried.
(RETCHING)
When did I have pizza?
So worried you'll lose you're losing your lunch?
No. I was looking for my earring.
You know what? I'll get a new pair.
Rocked it. My dad will be walking with a limp for a month.
So, Jessie, what do you take?
About a size four monkey suit?
Oh, I want you to beat them so bad!
Don't worry, Jessie.
As long as we use your cheating idea, we can't lose!
Shh!
Now, we agreed lip-synching isn't cheating, remember?
It's playing to our strengths.
Gotcha.
I can't wait to "play to my strengths"
on my spelling test.
And "play to my strengths" Nowon my math test...
Stop, stop. Wait. This is all wrong.
Because of me, you now think cheating is okay.
But you said people do it all the time.
They do. Luke also puts chocolate on his spaghetti.
That does not make it right!
Zuri, you're on!
The girl before you is finishing her interpretive dance
to the sounds of sea lions.
So you might not come in last after all.
Thanks. Something to hold on to.
Zuri, I'm so sorry. I wish Madame Kishka had taught you
more about piano and less about heartbreak.
Jessie, I just got a great idea!
Does it involve changing our names and fleeing the country?
'Cause I'm way ahead of you.
Watch! I'm gonna win this thing.
I know you are! (CHUCKLING)
She's toast.
(IMITATES SEAL BARKING)
I will now do an original, dramatic monologue.
And it's gonna be good, so get your cameras ready.
Why, Chubby? Why did you leave me?
I'll never forget the day you were not in the den watching the cubs.
Zuri, smile!
Cupcake hands!
Why am I not good enough for you?
Did you find sweeter honey in the arms of another?
Even though our life together was often "grizzly,"
I can't bear to see you go.
Stay, Chubby, stay!
And scene.
Zuri! That was something!
Where did that come from?
It's what Madame Kishka cries about during my piano lessons.
I just substituted Chubs for her no-good ex-boyfriend, Leopold.
Well, first of all, great job!
And second of all, we're getting you a new piano teacher.
Well, that was the silliest thing I've ever seen.
Apparently you haven't looked in the mirror recently.
You walked right into that one.
MAN: (ON PA) Ladies and gentlemen, it's crowning time.
Our new Little Miss Big Apple is...
Susie Gunter!
(BARKING)
ALL: Sea lion girl?
I didn't know they were giving points for crazy.
Well, at least there's a silver lining.
Since neither of us won, neither of us has to dress up like a monkey.
Wait a minute.
You said, "Whoever loses."
And you both lost.
Now you listen to me?
Where were you when I said having a pen pal in juvie was a bad idea?
For once, I agree with the twit from Texas.
Thank you. Wait. Rude.
So, what you're teaching us is that it's okay to break your promises?
That's a fine lesson for two impressionable little girls.
This is actually kind of fun.
Which is a sad commentary on the rest of your life.
Okay, I'm see no evil, and hear no evil.
You're just evil.
Isn't that half hour up yet?
Oh, yeah. It was up a long time ago.
We just wanted to see how red your faces would get.
I guessed as red as a tomato.
I guessed fire truck.
I went with baboon butt!
Let's get 'em.
For once, I agree with Hagatha.
My legs are numb.
I can't even feel my legs.
Should we run? What if they catch us?