What's up, ladies?
Can Zuri and I watch a movie tonight?
Depends. What movie?
It's a heartwarming family drama.
About children and their toys.
Beddy Die Time:
Dolly's Revenge. I don't think so.
Why not?
Because you're too young to watch a movie about
"Dolls who play house. Slaughterhouse."
What's the big deal? I've seen it before.
You can clearly tell the brains are oatmeal.
Spoiler alert!
(SINGING OPERA MUSIC)
(ALL COUGHING)
I don't know what stinks worse,
Bertram's singing or that laundry.
They forced Luke to clean out his gym locker.
They thought something died in there.
(SINGING OPERA MUSIC)
Bertram!
I'm listening to the opera station.
Voluntarily?
If I'm the sixth caller after they play the love aria from Aida,
I win a free trip to La Scala.
La... What now?
It's the world's most beautiful opera house, in Milan, Italy.
Opera, pasta, and best of all,
thousands of miles from here.
(CHOKING)
Mmm! Luke's nasty clothes knocked out Kipling.
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
♪ It feels like a party every day
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around
♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down
♪ Hey Jessie
♪ It feels like a party every day
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪
Ravi, okay, important question.
Why do they call it a pair of underwear when it's just one?
Hello?
Ravi?
Sorry.
I was entranced by that vision of beauty.
What beauty? That dude in the high tops, painting a lizard?
That is not a dude.
That is Tanya Weston, from my biology class.
Wow, a chick that's into lizards?
You should try to go get with that.
Are you kidding?
A goddess such as she is surely spoken for.
(FARTING)
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that she might be single.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
(GASPING)
That dolly doesn't just cry and wet.
She kills!
(SERENE MUSIC PLAYING)
What are you guys watching?
A nature documentary.
On turkey vultures.
MALE NARRATOR: The male and female of the species
display nearly identical coloration.
(LAUGHS) That must make things confusing on date night.
Jessie, do you mind? We're trying to learn.
Okay, I'll leave you to it. Nerds.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
This is the best part!
Her dolly's going for her binky.
Wait for it.
(SLICING) Yes!
Right in the eye!
(SCREAMING)
RAVI: What do I say to Tanya?
"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
"Because you have the face of an angel."
Ooh, that is good.
And you have to show girls you're cool.
It's all in the walk. I'll demonstrate.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
(POPS)
See?
Ah, yes. I, too, can strut like a peacock.
Ravi.
Did your rash come back?
I told you those polyblend underpants cause chafing.
I'll go get the cornstarch.
No, I'm teaching him to walk like a man.
So he can impress this girl he likes... (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Tanya.
Oh! Maybe I can help. How about we do some role-playing?
Sounds great! I'll be the motorcycle cop,
and you'll be the speeding bikini model.
(KISSING)
I'll be Tanya.
Okay. And I will be the motorcycle cop?
There's no motorcycle cop!
Just be you.
But cooler. I'm begging.
Good heavens, angel! Did you fall on your face?
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Nailed it!
Goodnight, Zuri. I love you.
Wait. Could you leave that lamp on?
Why?
Uh... Ambience?
You're going to sleep, not throwing a soiree.
Here's Baby Marmalade. (GASPS)
Thank you.
Zuri, did you and Emma watch that scary doll movie?
After you specifically told us not to?
That would be very disobedient.
(EXCLAIMS)
Okay.
(EXCLAIMS)
I can't believe Bertram and Jessie are still asleep.
Emma, make us breakfast.
I don't know how to use that cooking thingy!
You mean the stove?
(SIGHS) I'm so exhausted.
I was up all night waiting for Aida.
Oh, did another Internet lady stand you up?
No, it's an opera.
Well, I got zero sleep last night.
Zuri, want some juice?
No, thanks. I'm good.
Suit yourself.
Okay, guys.
I'm getting the sneaking suspicion
you watched Beddy Die Time.
What makes you say that?
I don't know. This!
(SCREAMING)
Okay, we watched it!
But I thought she could handle it.
Die, dolly, die!
Yeah, she's handling it great.
Okay, remember your walk.
And that you both like reptiles.
Luke, please. I got this.
Are you okay?
Uh... Do you need a doctor?
Hi, I'm Luke.
What my brother's trying to say is that
you're obviously a very interesting and artistic girl,
and he would love to get to know you.
In a completely non weird way.
Too late.
All right, we gotta bounce.
Ravi, dude, what happened?
I know!
My shame burns like a thousand suns.
At least your fly wasn't open.
Well, not all the way.
Now we're all here to help Zuri work through her fears.
Zuri, why don't you tell Baby Marmalade what you're afraid of?
That she's going to kill me in my sleep!
Are you new here?
Zuri, just because some dolls in a made-up movie were bad
doesn't mean that all dolls are.
Not just bad.
Murderous.
Look, everyone is afraid of something.
The way to get over your fear is to confront it.
Emma, do you have anything you've ever been afraid of?
Being seen in last season's accessories.
Okay, I wish I had your problems.
How did you get over your fear?
I faced it.
I put on a scarf that was so hideous,
so last spring,
and I looked in the mirror, and I said,
"Scarfie, you don't scare me!"
You are an American hero.
Jessie, are you afraid of anything?
Well, there is this one thing. But it's silly.
Let's hear it.
Fine.
It all started three years ago,
after a 72-ounce Bladder Buster of cherry cola.
I was at the circus, and I had to go to the bathroom.
While I was in there, one of the handlers tied an elephant to the door.
Really?
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)
Hey! Occupado, buddy!
Then, some rotten kid walked by with peanuts.
(JESSIE YELLS)
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING) (JESSIE YELLING)
The kid took off, the elephant went after him,
and I got dragged through the Big Top,
taking out a tiny car with 17 clowns in it,
and a family of Romanian acrobats.
Luckily, I don't speak Romanian.
When the elephant finally stopped, I opened the door
and found myself in the lions' den.
Suddenly, it was too late for a bathroom!
So your fear is elephants? Lions?
Extremely flexible Eastern Europeans with spangles?
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm afraid of p... (STUTTERING)
BOTH: Port-a-potties?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
This isn't about me! This is about Zuri.
I'll stay with you tonight until you fall asleep,
and when you wake up in the morning,
you'll realize there was nothing to be afraid of.
And if you wake up dead,
surrounded by blood-spattered dolls,
I'll tell Jessie "I told ya so."
(SCREAMING)
Hi, again. I was here earlier with my brother.
I remember. Walks funny, smells like cornstarch?
That's him.
Oh. Did you know
that my brother has a giant Asian water monitor for a pet?
I love lizards. They're so cute.
Almost as cute as you.
Oh.
Thanks.
But the guy you should be talking to is Ravi.
He has great manners and a heck of a vocabulary.
Does he have freckles?
I love freckles.
You traitorous swine!
No, no! Ravi, dude, you don't understand!
Do not I just!
I take five extra minutes to shop
for a reasonably priced bouquet,
and you move in on my woman!
No! I was helping you. (GRUNTS)
I told her about Kipling...
Thank you.
No, no, Ravi, dude, you've got it all wrong!
You have been challenged to a duel.
We will settle this on the field of honor, tomorrow at dawn.
I don't know what you're talking about.
But I don't do anything at dawn!
Fine. Just be back here in two hours!
I can't believe two guys are actually gonna duel over me.
I finally have something to blog!
Okay, Emma, I'm putting you in charge of the duel.
I need to monitor the radio contest.
(SINGING OPERA MUSIC)
Gee, and I thought this was going to be lame.
Luke, where is your uniform?
This is a duel, take it seriously!
How can I take it seriously when you're wearing pantaloons?
Why would you not want to wear the proper attire?
Because some of us don't want to die alone.
Ravi, can we please just drop this?
No! I demand satisfaction.
You attempted to steal my girl.
I did not! Before you told me,
I didn't even know she was a girl.
Choose your weapon, knave.
They're fighting over me!
It's just like when male Sitana lizards
display their brightly colored throat-pouches during mating season!
She is perfect for Ravi.
Okay. At 10 paces, turn and fire!
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven...
Ow!
We did not hear 10!
Ten.
Ow!
You cheated!
So? What are you gonna do about it?
This! You are toast!
Ow!
This is the best day of my entire life!
Like she has one.
Now remember, Zuri, there's nothing to be afraid of.
I'll remember.
(GASPS) What the...
(STAMMERING)
Remember, Jessie, you've gotta face up to your fears.
I'll spend the night with my dolls,
if you spend the night in this.
No way! Wait!
Don't worry, it's never been used.
Oh, stink-free? You shouldn't have.
How did you even get that thing up here?
Tony knows a guy.
Is this what it's going to take to help you get over your fear of dolls?
Yep. And you've gotta stay in there the whole night.
Okay.
(GROANING)
What if I have to go to the bathroom?
Gee, thanks.
This is just like Edward versus Jacob!
I can't believe I'm Bella!
That makes two of us.
Oh, sweet Maria Callas! It's Aida!
The aria I've been waiting for!
Oh, Italy, here I come!
I won?
I won! I won!
(LAUGHING)
What?
La Scala Pizzateria in Hoboken?
A Mighty Meat Special?
(SOBBING)
Yes, of course, I want the prize.
Surrender!
Never!
Luke! Grind him into a sausage!
Sausage? That's a good idea!
Take that!
(EXCLAIMING)
No! No! No! No!
Finish him off!
Do it! Do it!
Do it!
Whoa! She is one blood-thirsty lizard lover!
So it would appear.
Yeah. And just for the record,
I did not hug Tanya. She hugged me.
Is this true?
Yeah! I mean, look at him. He's a babe.
Guilty as charged.
Tanya, I thought you were like a winsome tree frog,
but now I see you are a poisonous toad.
That's an insult to toads.
And poison.
Text me.
Luke, I am sorry I did not believe you.
I was beguiled by Tanya's beauty.
Still not seeing it.
(CRYING)
I can't believe I won a trip to New Jersey!
On the bright side, it'll be a really short flight.
Wait! Which one of them is going to be my boyfriend?
Neither.
If I were you, I'd head over to the animal shelter
and get myself a cat.
It's going to be the first of many.
I can't stand this. I gotta get out of here.
Who are you?
Pagliacci, the famous singing clown.
(SINGING OPERA MUSIC)
What? I don't speak opera!
I'm here to help you overcome your fear.
See, that one I got.
Good. Take these.
For what? That!
(GROWLING)
Yikes!
(WHIP CRACKS) Back! Back!
(LAUGHS) Good job!
Not so scary now, are ya?
Now come on. Let's head over to Zuri's dream.
Need to use the potty first?
(CHUCKLES) I kid! I kid!
Dolls. Scary dolls!
(SCREAMS)
You don't have to be afraid of us, Zuri.
Not all dolls are scary and evil.
Okay, that one is a little scary.
What about them?
If you don't think that's scary, you have oatmeal for brains!
Zuri, these are your dolls.
I thought you ran this tea party.
I do.
So are you gonna let them push you around?
Heck to the no! I ain't scared of no dolls!
Get your raggedy butt out of here!
That goes for all of you!
What about me? I'm the nice doll.
Sorry! I'm not taking any chances!
Jessie! It's morning!
We did it! We made it through the night!
Oh! Oh, we sure did!
I can't believe I spent the night in a port-a-potty.
You actually said it.
Hooray, we both conquered our fears!
Now I can go anywhere.
And by go anywhere, I mean go anywhere!
Construction sites, Renaissance fairs,
anything with "palooza" in the title.
The world is your outhouse.
By the way, did you have any weird dreams last night?
Sure did, but don't worry. They're just dreams.
Nothing to be afraid of.
Great. Tony's guy is double parked.
So, let's get this bad boy down to the lobby.
Right, ready? Yup.
And push!
(ALL GRUNTING)
This potty is surprisingly unportable.
Where are we going?