(SIGHS) I had the most awful date last night!
What do you expect when you date guys from Match.Clown?
He was not a clown.
Although that would explain the giant feet.
And tiny car.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Oh, I'll get it!
Me, too!
Anything's better than listening to this.
Fine, from now on I'll just talk to the lizard.
(GROWLS)
Oh, like you have something better to do.
Ugh!
Did somebody order a mean old lady?
Out of my way, Zsa Zsa.
Hello, Bessie... Hello, sweet cheeks.
(GROANS)
I call upon you for a favor.
I'm staying at a hotel while my apartment is being fumigated...
Let me guess, when they spray, you scatter?
I stand by my "ugh!"
Anyway, they don't take pets.
Will you look after Zeusey while I'm away?
I hate animals.
Give me one good reason why I should watch that dust mop with ears.
How about a thousand reasons?
Welcome to Bertram's Doggie Day Care!
Where we pamper your mutt from head to butt!
You know he would've done it for just 20 reasons.
I also have a picture of myself
so Zeusey won't miss me.
Can you put that away? I'm trying to eat here.
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
♪ It feels like a party every day
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around
♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down
♪ Hey Jessie
♪ It feels like a party every day
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪
Okay, Jessie, are you ready for your first skateboard lesson?
I think so. We're going to start slow, right?
Nope.
(SCREAMING)
Welcome to the deep end, rookie!
Whoa!
Whoa.
Are you okay? Um...
Jessie Prescott, very single.
Wait, what was the question?
I'm Brooks Wentworth. Hello... Brooks.
So, do you live around here?
Yeah, just across the street.
But I'm originally from Texas.
I love Texas! My family owns a place out there.
Oh, like, a vacation home?
No, like, Houston.
You own Houston?
What, Dallas is too expensive?
Actually, it's family money.
It doesn't matter much to me,
but it does mean I can run my own non-profit animal sanctuary.
Here are the baby giraffes we rescued last week.
Aww... I love giraffes!
With their long legs... And those big eyes...
They're like the supermodels of the Serengeti!
(BOTH LAUGH)
And they are almost as cute as you are.
(INCOHERENT MUMBLING)
Well, you're good-looking, nice, and you save baby animals?
If I was your girlfriend, I'd tie you up and lock you in the basement!
No, just kidding. I don't have a basement.
(LAUGHS)
Jessie, let's go.
You know how cranky Bertram gets if we're late to lunch.
Yeah, he might punish us by giving us seconds.
Right.
Well...
Thanks again for catching me.
Thanks for being such a catch.
Okay, catch you later.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
This is hard to watch.
(CHEERING) Yes! Another run for the Yankees!
I just do not understand the appeal of baseball.
The players have to carry those big sticks, and they spit a lot.
It is neither safe nor hygienic.
Neither is owning a giant lizard, but here we are.
You know, you might learn to like baseball
if you came to a game with me.
I would love to!
Should I bring my nose plugs for when we do the wave?
Sports reference, nailed it!
BERTRAM: Here you go, Zeus.
Zeus gets lobster for lunch?
Yesterday you just opened the refrigerator door
and told us to, "Have at it."
You have to give him an after-lunch massage?
Then a paw-dicure?
Yes, but I'll tell you where I draw the line.
I am not doing doggy yoga
with that over-pampered Pomeranian!
Do you wanna say that a little louder
near this picture, which is obviously a nanny-cam?
Ugh, watching Bertram do downward dog
makes me want to do upward lunch.
Is there nothing on TV?
That's enough. Come on, Zeus.
Before your playdate with Miss Fifi,
we have to finish your mutt-scaping.
I can't believe I forgot to give that cute guy in the park my phone number.
Poor Jessie.
If it makes you feel any better,
he was way out of your league.
Exactly how would that make me feel better?
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Hey, Jessie! I finally found you!
And, I feel better.
Brooks, what are you doing here?
Well, after your fall earlier,
wanted to make sure you were okay.
And, since you love animals so much,
I got you this "Get Well" racehorse.
Really? Wow. Mm-hmm.
Way to overshoot.
She would've been happy with a scented candle.
So her name is Winter's Folly?
Oh, she's a champion out of Summer's Folly.
Broke maiden at Saratoga.
A little slow on the clubhouse turn, but...
What? I like horsies.
Guys, could you give us a minute?
Sure. We'll give you your privacy.
So, how did you know where I lived?
Well, when I couldn't find you in the phone book,
I just had a family friend do a little snooping.
Well, is your friend a detective?
Sort of. He's the head of the C.I.A.
Really?
If he mentioned anything about my browser history,
Luke sometimes borrows my laptop.
That explains the weird obsession with Kate Upton and snowboards.
(LAUGHS)
Listen...
I really came over here to ask you out.
Want to go for Chinese food tomorrow night? I would love to.
BOTH: Yes!
How did you know Chinese food was my favorite?
Our friend at the C.I.A. was pretty thorough.
Oh.
By the way, amazing dental records.
Thanks! I floss.
I'll see you tomorrow?
(YELPS)
See you later, alligator.
"See you later, alligator?"
That is the dumbest thing I've ever said!
Not by a mile, crocodile.
We keep a list.
Just for that, you two do not get to ride my racehorse!
Wow...
I haven't seen Jessie this excited about a guy since Tony.
I know!
And that's who she's supposed to end up with!
Not that big hunk o'handsome,
with his strong arms, and his pretty face...
Down girl.
That was a humdinger of a sporting event!
I cannot believe I caught a spheroid!
It's a baseball! And you didn't catch it.
It fell into the popcorn bucket
you were using to shield your face!
I hate baseball! And dogs!
(BARKS)
I know, I know. It's time for your aromatherapy,
and for me to question my life choices.
Now he questions his life choices? (CHUCKLES)
Don't change the subject.
I want this ball!
It was heading right for me.
It was the longest home run ever hit in Yankee Stadium!
Which is why classmates who saw me catch the ball on TV
have already texted me to ask to see it.
I am getting texts! Do you realize what this means?
Yes. Your phone isn't "broken" after all.
Happy two week anniversary.
Awww, I had no idea the two week anniversary present was hummus.
Well, you know what they say,
chick peas are the legumes of love.
No one says that!
Not even the wives of chick pea farmers!
Excuse me, Emma, may I please get a napkin?
Our doorman has better hair than you!
So, that's a "no" on the napkin?
You're lucky you got hummus!
There you are, Brooksie.
I got the oddest call from our stable.
It seems we're missing a racehorse...
Mrs. Chesterfield? Tessie?
Mother! Mother?
Ugh! Ugh!
Wait, wait, wait... Mrs. Chesterfield is your mom?
But you don't have the same last name.
Mother changes it each time she remarries.
Call me old fashioned.
I guess I just respect the institution of marriage.
Yeah, she respects it so much, she did it six times.
Brooksie!
Why are you with this girl?
She's not good enough for you.
Well, maybe I like girls who aren't good enough for me!
That came out wrong.
No, I get it. Still sweet.
Trust me, Brooksie. There are many, many, things to despise about this girl.
Oh, yeah? Name one.
Well, she's a nanny, she has giant feet,
and I can hear her snore from downstairs!
Hey! He said name one!
Brooksie, why can't you be more like your brother?
He always obeys me.
For the last time, he's not my brother.
Zeus is a dog!
I'm warning you, Brooksie. Don't defy me.
Things can get very ugly for you if I don't get my way.
Just ask my ex-hairdresser.
If you can find him.
Huh.
Well, I think we've solved the mystery
of the plugged up garbage chute.
Time for me to make the greatest steal in baseball history.
Ah!
Ooh, suction cup arrows.
Like that's scary.
(SCREAMS)
That is scary!
(LAUGHS)
Yes!
(SCREAMING) No!
Well, well, well...
What a surprise.
What, that I decided to steal your precious baseball?
No, that my giant boulder actually fit down the stairs.
The physics were iffy on that one.
Luke, why do you want this baseball so badly?
I just do, okay? It's kind of personal.
I am a person. Talk to me, bro.
Well, the thing is...
When I first moved to New York, rooting for the Yankees
and going to the games helped me feel like a real New Yorker.
I guess I just wanted a piece of the team that means so much to me.
Aw. Luke, that is so... (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Disgusting!
I don't understand how you can poop something bigger than you are!
It's easy if you focus.
And how was everything this evening?
Magnificent.
The rabbit rillettes were exquisite,
and the chateaubriand was inspired.
Yep. Super yummy.
Oh, goody. I shall tell the chef it was, "Super yummy!"
Somebody's got his bow-tie in a bunch.
Jessie, I want you to know my mother's threats don't scare me.
I really care about you,
and I will not let her come between us.
I already have.
(LAUGHS) Oh.
FYI, I've canceled your credit cards!
So, no more fancy dates, no more fancy clothes...
No more money.
Point, Rhoda!
Ooh, I see tonight's special is beefcake.
Note to self, stop working out.
My apologies, sir, but your credit card seems to have been declined.
Perhaps you accidentally gave me the lady's card?
Joke's on you. No bank will give me a card.
Quelle surprise!
Mother, you can't cut me off.
Even you're not that vicious.
Oh, really? Just ask your stepfathers two through six.
If you can find them. (CHUCKLES)
What, do you have your own landfill?
I'll be over at my table, waiting for you to come to your senses.
And watching that saucy waiter, Carlisle, carve a rump roast.
Forget about her.
I'll pay for this bill myself, so we can just get out of here.
Whoa, did we buy dinner, or a space shuttle?
It's okay. I'll just call some friends, they'll come lend us the money.
Oh, no! She already canceled my phone!
Don't worry. I have some friends with deep pockets, too.
Hi, friends!
Can you lend us some money for dinner?
Oh, Jessie...
Of course not.
What? Why not?
Because you and Tony are perfect for each other,
and we're not helping you until you dump this guy.
No offense, dreamboat.
My name's Brooks.
Shh, beautiful... No one wants to hear you talk.
Guys, I told you,
Tony and I are not getting back together.
Fine. Then enjoy restaurant jail!
Meanwhile, we're going to go sit with Mrs. Chesterfield
and watch the show. Peace out, paupers.
They're really lovely children once you get to know them.
(GASPS) Zeus!
Stop chewing on Luke's sock!
Oh, great, now you're probably gonna need a tetanus shot.
Wow, it looks like you feel the same way about these kids as I do.
You're not such a bad little guy after all.
So, which kid annoys you the most?
Well, judging by the little gift you left, I'm guessing it's Emma.
Jessie, you don't have to scrounge for cash. I'll figure something out.
Well, actually, I'm looking for my pepper spray.
This isn't the first time I've had to escape a restaurant
because my date couldn't pay the bill.
So, you're still here,
and yet the little tray where the money goes is still empty.
You two do understand how restaurants operate, right?
Maybe we can work something out.
What would you say to this gold watch?
I'd say, "Hello, Watch! Do you have any money?
"As this establishment does not accept payment in timepieces."
Okay, okay, we will pay you,
right after I get back from the bathroom.
Very well.
And before you ask, you don't need a token to use it.
I think I'm winning him over.
So, do you have a plan, or did you just drink too much iced tea?
Both.
There's a window near the ceiling in the ladies room.
I can sneak out, and empty my bank account.
And if that doesn't work,
I'll see if anyone here is interested in buying a slightly used racehorse.
Maybe we should have helped Jessie.
Yeah, I feel kind of guilty.
Guilt disappears, like wrinkles after a visit to Dr. Lookgood.
I guess you haven't been there in a while.
Jessie, what happened? Are you okay?
It turns out balancing on a toilet seat in heels is a lot harder than I remember.
Aw, geez, I'm so sorry.
That is just water, right?
And tears. When I dropped my purse, it activated the pepper spray.
Hey, Ravi. I've given it a lot of thought, and...
I'm sorry I've been hassling you about the baseball.
You should keep it because I love you.
Oh, thank you, Luke. But I gave it away.
I hate you! Why would you do that?
Well, actually, I did not give it away.
I traded it to the Yankees. For this...
Holy Mo Rivera!
Hey, these are all signed
to "Luke 'Chick Magnet' Ross!"
Yes. I thought you would like that better than Luke "Philbert" Ross.
And you have not seen the best part.
"Luke 'Chick Magnet' Ross,
"you are hereby officially designated a Yankees bat boy!"
I hope you do not get dizzy hanging upside down in the dugout.
Sports humor, nailed it!
What looks good, Carlisle?
Besides you.
Looks like somebody is ordering husband number seven.
Carlisle, whip cream and keep it comin'!
Yes, just what you need, more sugar.
All right, it's gotta be here somewhere...
Thank you.
Okay, that was new.
A-ha!
Trying to escape, were we?
Wait a minute... This isn't the coat room.
Nice try, Gussie. Two points, Rhoda!
Jessie, this is ridiculous!
I'm just going to be a man, and tell my mommy to pay for our dinner!
Brooks, wait.
I'm not just worried about paying for this meal.
It's all the meals after this. And for the rest of your life.
Maybe it is better if you just break up with me.
Jessie, no!
Are you really willing to give up your entire lifestyle,
the money, everything, for a girl you just met?
Although, I do look bangin' in this dress...
You mean, the girl who is willing to fall into a toilet for me?
Who loves animals as much as I do?
Who makes me melt when I look into her eyes?
Maybe this'll answer your question...
Mother, we need to talk.
Oh, Brooksie, thank heavens you've come groveling back.
Now, let's get out of here before somebody sees me with "new money" here...
Mother, that's it! I've had it! I don't need your money.
I'm sick of you controlling me!
I don't control you!
Blow.
No! No!
I've had a better time with Jessie these past few weeks
than I've ever had in my life!
You should really try go-karting.
So you can keep it all, Mother.
Because I'd rather be poor and happy with Jessie,
than rich without her!
That's the most wonderful thing a guy has ever said about me!
Seriously, number two is,
"It's so refreshing to date a girl who really knows her way around a carburetor."
Jessie, for the last time, we want you to be with Tony!
Brooks, for the last time, I want you to be with anybody but Stressie!
Hey! You know what,
it's not about what makes you happy.
It's about what makes us happy!
That's right! And we will stay here in this restaurant forever if we have to!
Oh, no you won't!
You people have caused enough commotion.
And you're covered in toilet water.
I will pay your bill.
Thank you. I'll pay you back.
Your absence will be payment enough.
Plus, I'll take that watch.
Ow!
That's your tip.
And here's a tip for you. Call your lawyer,
I'm suing you for harassment.
(LAUGHS)
I love it when they play hard to get.
So...
You may have won this battle.
Point, lovebirds!
But the war is not over!
Come, urchins.
Are you sure there's enough room on your broom?
Well, I don't know how we're going to get home.
I have a feeling Mother's canceled my limo.
Well, we could do what most New Yorkers do, and take the subway.
I've always wanted to do that!
Are there really giant alligators down there?
Yes, but they are not as scary as that guy who plays his nose hair.
Hold my hand? Gladly!
See, I told you! It's freaky!
So Bertram's watching Dog Dynasty with Zeus.
What's so strange about that?
What's strange is that Mrs. Chesterfield took Zeus back two hours ago!
More cheese, buddy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Num, num, num, num.
(BARKING)
Oh, you're welcome.
(IMITATING DOG PANTING)
Back away from the butler.