1 00:00:06,461 --> 00:00:09,061 [ominous music] 2 00:00:10,701 --> 00:00:12,981 [high-pitched static] 3 00:00:13,021 --> 00:00:15,021 [woman narrating] Current theories on the creation of the universe state 4 00:00:15,101 --> 00:00:18,301 that if it were created at all and didn't just start, 5 00:00:18,381 --> 00:00:19,901 as it were, unofficially, 6 00:00:19,981 --> 00:00:23,461 it came into being about 14 billion years ago. 7 00:00:23,541 --> 00:00:25,061 The Earth is generally supposed to be 8 00:00:25,181 --> 00:00:27,581 about 4 1/2 billion years old. 9 00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,861 These dates are incorrect. 10 00:00:29,941 --> 00:00:34,021 Some medieval scholars put the date of the creation at 3760 BC. 11 00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:35,621 [beeping] 12 00:00:35,701 --> 00:00:39,381 Others put creation as far back as 5508 BC. 13 00:00:39,461 --> 00:00:41,541 Also, incorrect. 14 00:00:41,621 --> 00:00:43,101 Archbishop James Ussher 15 00:00:43,141 --> 00:00:44,981 claimed that the Heaven and the Earth 16 00:00:45,061 --> 00:00:48,741 were created on Sunday, the 21st of October, 4004 BC, 17 00:00:48,821 --> 00:00:50,941 -at 9:00 a.m. -[bell dings] 18 00:00:51,021 --> 00:00:52,621 This too was incorrect, 19 00:00:52,701 --> 00:00:55,461 by almost a quarter of an hour. 20 00:00:55,541 --> 00:00:58,301 It was created at 9:13 in the morning. 21 00:00:58,381 --> 00:01:00,461 Which was correct. 22 00:01:00,541 --> 00:01:03,861 The whole business with the fossilised dinosaur skeletons 23 00:01:03,941 --> 00:01:07,181 was a joke the palaeontologists haven't seen yet. 24 00:01:07,261 --> 00:01:09,061 This proves two things. 25 00:01:09,141 --> 00:01:13,141 Firstly, that God does not play dice with the universe. 26 00:01:13,221 --> 00:01:15,941 I play an ineffable game of my own devising. 27 00:01:16,061 --> 00:01:18,221 For everyone else, it's like playing poker 28 00:01:18,301 --> 00:01:20,381 in a pitch-dark room, for infinite stakes, 29 00:01:20,461 --> 00:01:22,541 with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, 30 00:01:22,581 --> 00:01:24,141 and who smiles all the time. 31 00:01:24,221 --> 00:01:28,061 Secondly, the Earth is a Libra. 32 00:01:29,981 --> 00:01:33,141 The entry for Libra in The Tadfield Advertiser 33 00:01:33,221 --> 00:01:36,461 on the night our history begins reads as follows: 34 00:01:36,541 --> 00:01:37,781 "You may be feeling rundown 35 00:01:37,861 --> 00:01:40,741 and always in the same daily round. 36 00:01:40,821 --> 00:01:42,701 A friend is important to you. 37 00:01:42,781 --> 00:01:45,461 You may be vulnerable to a stomach upset today, 38 00:01:45,541 --> 00:01:47,861 so avoid salads. 39 00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:51,261 Help could come from an unexpected quarter." 40 00:01:51,341 --> 00:01:53,581 This was perfectly correct on every count, 41 00:01:53,661 --> 00:01:56,661 except for the bit about the salads. 42 00:01:57,941 --> 00:01:59,621 To understand the true significance 43 00:01:59,701 --> 00:02:00,981 of what that means, 44 00:02:01,061 --> 00:02:02,781 we need to begin earlier. 45 00:02:02,861 --> 00:02:06,181 A little more than 6,000 years earlier, to be precise. 46 00:02:06,261 --> 00:02:08,341 Just after the beginning. 47 00:02:08,421 --> 00:02:12,461 It starts, as it will end, with a garden. 48 00:02:12,541 --> 00:02:15,781 In this case, the Garden of Eden. 49 00:02:15,861 --> 00:02:17,901 And with an apple. 50 00:02:24,621 --> 00:02:27,141 [rumbling] 51 00:02:30,981 --> 00:02:32,341 [hissing] Go on. 52 00:02:32,421 --> 00:02:34,421 [whispering] This apple will give you... 53 00:02:34,461 --> 00:02:38,581 [indistinct, ominous whispering] 54 00:03:07,141 --> 00:03:08,461 [God] It was a nice day. 55 00:03:08,541 --> 00:03:10,341 All the days had been nice. 56 00:03:10,421 --> 00:03:12,821 There had been rather more than seven of them so far, 57 00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:15,701 and rain hadn't been invented yet. 58 00:03:15,781 --> 00:03:17,701 But the storm clouds gathering east of Eden 59 00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:20,301 suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way. 60 00:03:20,381 --> 00:03:23,101 And it was going to be a big one. 61 00:03:30,701 --> 00:03:32,261 Well, that went down like a lead balloon. 62 00:03:32,341 --> 00:03:33,901 [chuckles] 63 00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:36,061 Sorry, what was that? 64 00:03:36,141 --> 00:03:39,301 I said, "Well, that went down like a lead balloon." 65 00:03:39,381 --> 00:03:43,421 Yes, yes, it did, rather. 66 00:03:43,501 --> 00:03:46,141 Bit of an overreaction, if you ask me. 67 00:03:46,221 --> 00:03:47,701 First offence and everything. 68 00:03:50,741 --> 00:03:52,501 I can't see what's so bad 69 00:03:52,581 --> 00:03:55,181 about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway. 70 00:03:56,101 --> 00:03:58,741 Well, it must be bad... 71 00:03:58,821 --> 00:04:00,781 -Crawley. -...Crawley. 72 00:04:01,981 --> 00:04:03,341 Otherwise... 73 00:04:03,421 --> 00:04:05,701 you wouldn't have tempted them into it. 74 00:04:05,781 --> 00:04:09,061 Oh, they just said, "Get up there and make some trouble." 75 00:04:09,141 --> 00:04:10,781 Well, obviously. You're a demon. 76 00:04:10,861 --> 00:04:12,381 It's what you do. 77 00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:15,341 Not very subtle of the Almighty, though. 78 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:16,741 Fruit tree in the middle of a garden 79 00:04:16,821 --> 00:04:18,501 with a "Don't Touch" sign. 80 00:04:18,581 --> 00:04:20,821 I mean, why not put it on the top of a high mountain? 81 00:04:20,901 --> 00:04:23,661 Or on the moon? 82 00:04:23,741 --> 00:04:26,221 Makes you wonder what God's really planning. 83 00:04:26,261 --> 00:04:27,701 Best not to speculate. 84 00:04:27,781 --> 00:04:29,941 It's all part of the Great Plan. 85 00:04:30,021 --> 00:04:32,381 It's not for us to understand. 86 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:35,821 It's ineffable. 87 00:04:35,941 --> 00:04:37,941 The Great Plan's ineffable? 88 00:04:38,061 --> 00:04:39,261 Exactly. 89 00:04:39,341 --> 00:04:41,261 It is beyond understanding 90 00:04:41,341 --> 00:04:44,381 and incapable of being put into words. 91 00:04:44,501 --> 00:04:47,461 Didn't you have a flaming sword? 92 00:04:47,541 --> 00:04:49,701 -Uh... -You did. It was flaming like anything. 93 00:04:49,781 --> 00:04:51,101 What happened to it? 94 00:04:51,181 --> 00:04:52,821 Uh... 95 00:04:52,901 --> 00:04:55,061 Lost it already, have you? 96 00:04:55,141 --> 00:04:56,901 -Gave it away. -You what? 97 00:04:56,941 --> 00:04:58,661 I gave it away. 98 00:04:58,741 --> 00:05:00,581 There are vicious animals. 99 00:05:00,661 --> 00:05:03,581 It's going to be cold out there. And she's expecting already. 100 00:05:03,661 --> 00:05:05,941 And I said, "Here you go. Flaming sword. Don't thank me. 101 00:05:06,021 --> 00:05:08,701 And don't let the sun go down on you here." 102 00:05:10,061 --> 00:05:12,581 I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing. 103 00:05:12,661 --> 00:05:14,221 Oh, you're an angel. 104 00:05:14,261 --> 00:05:16,501 I don't think you can do the wrong thing. 105 00:05:16,581 --> 00:05:18,381 Oh, oh, thank-- 106 00:05:18,461 --> 00:05:20,021 Oh, thank you. 107 00:05:20,101 --> 00:05:23,541 -It's been bothering me. -[lion roars] 108 00:05:23,621 --> 00:05:26,141 [Crowley] I've been worrying, too. 109 00:05:26,221 --> 00:05:27,701 What if I did the right thing 110 00:05:27,781 --> 00:05:30,541 with the whole "eat the apple" business? 111 00:05:30,621 --> 00:05:31,661 A demon can get into a lot of trouble 112 00:05:31,741 --> 00:05:33,341 for doing the right thing. 113 00:05:33,421 --> 00:05:34,381 [roaring] 114 00:05:34,461 --> 00:05:36,741 [meaty blow] 115 00:05:36,821 --> 00:05:38,381 It'd be funny if we both got it wrong, eh? 116 00:05:38,461 --> 00:05:40,981 If I did the good thing and you did the bad one. 117 00:05:41,061 --> 00:05:43,541 [both chuckle] 118 00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:46,021 No. 119 00:05:46,101 --> 00:05:48,021 It wouldn't be funny at all. 120 00:05:48,101 --> 00:05:49,781 Well... 121 00:05:49,861 --> 00:05:51,701 [rain pattering] 122 00:05:51,781 --> 00:05:55,181 [God] Good Omens, being a narrative of certain events 123 00:05:55,261 --> 00:05:57,781 occurring in the last 11 years of human history, 124 00:05:57,861 --> 00:06:00,101 in strict accordance, as shall be shown, 125 00:06:00,181 --> 00:06:02,581 with The Nice and Accurate Prophecies 126 00:06:02,661 --> 00:06:04,221 of Agnes Nutter, Witch. 127 00:06:04,301 --> 00:06:06,181 [theme music plays] 128 00:07:33,381 --> 00:07:35,941 [God] It wasn't a dark and stormy night. 129 00:07:36,021 --> 00:07:37,901 But, don't let the weather fool you. 130 00:07:37,981 --> 00:07:39,741 Just because it's a mild night 131 00:07:39,821 --> 00:07:42,181 doesn't mean that the forces of evil aren't abroad. 132 00:07:42,261 --> 00:07:43,301 They are. 133 00:07:43,381 --> 00:07:45,461 They are everywhere. 134 00:07:45,541 --> 00:07:48,541 [rumbling] 135 00:08:03,461 --> 00:08:06,301 Two demons lurk at the edge of the graveyard. 136 00:08:06,381 --> 00:08:08,221 They are pacing themselves, 137 00:08:08,301 --> 00:08:10,901 and can lurk for the rest of the night, if necessary. 138 00:08:10,981 --> 00:08:13,141 With still enough sullen menace left 139 00:08:13,221 --> 00:08:16,541 for a final burst of lurking around dawn. 140 00:08:22,421 --> 00:08:24,141 Bugger this for a lark. 141 00:08:24,221 --> 00:08:27,381 He should have been waiting for us. 142 00:08:27,461 --> 00:08:28,621 Do you trust him? 143 00:08:29,701 --> 00:08:31,781 -Nope. -Good. 144 00:08:31,861 --> 00:08:34,101 It'd be a funny old world if demons went around 145 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,621 trusting each other. 146 00:08:35,701 --> 00:08:38,541 What's he calling himself up here these days? 147 00:08:39,421 --> 00:08:40,901 Crowley. 148 00:08:40,981 --> 00:08:42,421 ["Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen plays on car radio] 149 00:08:42,501 --> 00:08:43,741 ♪♪ Oh, mama mia Mama mia ♪♪ 150 00:08:43,781 --> 00:08:45,221 ♪♪ Mama mia, let me go ♪♪ 151 00:08:45,301 --> 00:08:47,221 ♪♪ Beelzebub... ♪♪ 152 00:08:47,301 --> 00:08:50,381 Here he comes now, the flash bastard. 153 00:08:50,461 --> 00:08:53,661 ♪♪ For me, for me ♪♪ 154 00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:55,541 If you ask me, he's been up here too long. 155 00:08:55,621 --> 00:08:59,221 Gone native. Enjoying himself too much. 156 00:08:59,301 --> 00:09:02,021 Wearing sunglasses, even when he doesn't need them. 157 00:09:02,101 --> 00:09:04,661 -All hail Satan. -[Ligur] All hail Satan. 158 00:09:04,741 --> 00:09:06,861 Uh, hi, guys. Sorry I'm late, 159 00:09:06,901 --> 00:09:08,781 but you know how it is on the A40 at Denham. 160 00:09:08,901 --> 00:09:10,621 I tried to cut up towards Chorleywood-- 161 00:09:10,661 --> 00:09:13,781 Now that we art all here, let us recount the deeds of the day. 162 00:09:13,861 --> 00:09:15,341 Of course. 163 00:09:15,421 --> 00:09:16,741 Deeds, yeah. 164 00:09:16,781 --> 00:09:18,301 [Hastur] I have tempted a priest. 165 00:09:18,381 --> 00:09:19,741 As he walked down the street, 166 00:09:19,781 --> 00:09:21,461 he saw all the pretty girls in the sun. 167 00:09:21,541 --> 00:09:23,301 I put doubt into his mind. 168 00:09:23,381 --> 00:09:24,781 He would have been a saint. 169 00:09:24,861 --> 00:09:27,381 Now, within a decade, we shall have him. 170 00:09:27,461 --> 00:09:29,101 [chuckles] 171 00:09:29,181 --> 00:09:30,541 Yeah, nice one. 172 00:09:30,661 --> 00:09:32,741 [Ligur] I have corrupted a politician. 173 00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:37,061 Let him think that a tiny bribe wouldn't hurt. 174 00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:40,141 Within a year, we shall have him. 175 00:09:40,221 --> 00:09:41,981 Right, you'll like this. 176 00:09:42,061 --> 00:09:46,541 I brought down every London area mobile phone network tonight. 177 00:09:50,661 --> 00:09:52,901 -Yeah? -Yeah. It wasn't easy-- 178 00:09:52,981 --> 00:09:55,661 And what exactly has that done to secure souls for our master? 179 00:09:55,741 --> 00:09:57,021 Oh, come on, think about it. 180 00:09:57,101 --> 00:09:59,541 [laughs] Fifteen million pissed-off people 181 00:09:59,661 --> 00:10:00,901 who take it out on each other. 182 00:10:01,021 --> 00:10:04,621 It's not exactly... craftsmanship. 183 00:10:04,661 --> 00:10:06,461 Well, head office don't seem to mind. 184 00:10:06,541 --> 00:10:08,421 They love me down there, guys. 185 00:10:08,501 --> 00:10:11,541 Times are changing. So... 186 00:10:11,621 --> 00:10:13,221 [sniffs] ...what's up? 187 00:10:13,301 --> 00:10:15,141 This is. 188 00:10:18,021 --> 00:10:18,981 No. 189 00:10:19,061 --> 00:10:20,981 Yes. 190 00:10:23,741 --> 00:10:25,141 Already? 191 00:10:27,381 --> 00:10:29,741 Yes. 192 00:10:29,781 --> 00:10:31,301 And it's up to me to...? 193 00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:33,461 [both] Yes. 194 00:10:35,541 --> 00:10:36,621 You know, listen, it... 195 00:10:36,661 --> 00:10:37,901 [stammers] 196 00:10:38,021 --> 00:10:39,181 ...really isn't my scene. 197 00:10:39,261 --> 00:10:41,421 Your scene. 198 00:10:41,501 --> 00:10:43,461 Your starring role. 199 00:10:44,541 --> 00:10:45,741 Take it. 200 00:10:45,781 --> 00:10:47,621 [Hastur] Like you said, 201 00:10:47,661 --> 00:10:49,421 times are changing. 202 00:10:49,501 --> 00:10:51,661 They come to an end, for a start. 203 00:10:51,781 --> 00:10:53,021 Why me? 204 00:10:53,101 --> 00:10:54,981 Well, they love you down there. 205 00:10:55,061 --> 00:10:56,621 And what an opportunity. 206 00:10:56,661 --> 00:11:00,341 Ligur here would give his right arm to be you tonight. 207 00:11:00,421 --> 00:11:03,381 Or someone's right arm, anyway. 208 00:11:03,461 --> 00:11:04,821 [Hastur] Sign here. 209 00:11:07,581 --> 00:11:09,701 [sizzling] 210 00:11:12,821 --> 00:11:14,421 Now what? 211 00:11:14,501 --> 00:11:17,141 [Hastur] You will receive your instructions. 212 00:11:17,221 --> 00:11:18,941 And why so glum? 213 00:11:19,021 --> 00:11:21,581 The moment we have been working for all these centuries 214 00:11:21,661 --> 00:11:22,821 is at hand. 215 00:11:22,901 --> 00:11:24,261 Centuries? 216 00:11:24,341 --> 00:11:27,221 Our moment of eternal triumph awaits. 217 00:11:27,301 --> 00:11:28,821 Triumph. 218 00:11:28,901 --> 00:11:32,501 And you will be a tool of that glorious destiny. 219 00:11:32,581 --> 00:11:34,901 Glorious tool. Yeah. 220 00:11:36,101 --> 00:11:37,101 OK. 221 00:11:37,181 --> 00:11:39,821 I'll, um, be off then. 222 00:11:39,901 --> 00:11:41,421 Get it over with. 223 00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,021 No, I want to get it over with, obviously, but, 224 00:11:43,101 --> 00:11:44,821 I'll be popping along. 225 00:11:44,901 --> 00:11:47,821 Great. Fine. Yeah. 226 00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,261 Ciao! 227 00:11:54,341 --> 00:11:55,661 [Ligur] What's that mean? 228 00:11:55,741 --> 00:11:58,581 "Ciao", it's Italian. 229 00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,341 It means "food". 230 00:12:00,421 --> 00:12:03,061 -[door closes] -[engine starts] 231 00:12:03,141 --> 00:12:06,741 [God] Crowley was all in favour of Armageddon in general terms. 232 00:12:06,821 --> 00:12:08,981 But it was one thing to work to bring it about, 233 00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,941 and quite another for it to actually happen. 234 00:12:12,021 --> 00:12:13,341 -Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit! Shit! -[DJ on radio] When Queen 235 00:12:13,421 --> 00:12:14,581 released "Bohemian Rhapsody"... 236 00:12:14,661 --> 00:12:16,021 Shit, shit, shit! Why me? 237 00:12:16,101 --> 00:12:17,941 ...in 1975, it was because-- 238 00:12:18,021 --> 00:12:20,661 [Satan's voice on radio] You earned it, Crowley, didn't you? 239 00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:25,181 What you did to the M25 was a stroke of demonic genius, darling. 240 00:12:25,261 --> 00:12:27,261 The M25? Yeah, well... 241 00:12:27,341 --> 00:12:29,221 Yeah, I'm glad it went down so well. 242 00:12:29,301 --> 00:12:30,701 Here are your instructions. 243 00:12:30,781 --> 00:12:32,981 This is the big one, Crowley. 244 00:12:33,061 --> 00:12:34,981 ♪♪ I see a little silhouetto of a man ♪♪ 245 00:12:35,061 --> 00:12:37,181 ♪♪ Scaramouche Scaramouche ♪♪ 246 00:12:37,261 --> 00:12:39,381 -♪♪ Will you do the Fandango? ♪♪ -[truck horn honking] 247 00:12:39,461 --> 00:12:42,061 ♪♪ Thunderbolts and lightning very, very frightening me ♪♪ 248 00:12:42,141 --> 00:12:44,141 [tires screech] 249 00:12:44,221 --> 00:12:45,661 -♪♪ Galileo ♪♪ -♪♪ Galileo ♪♪ 250 00:12:45,741 --> 00:12:49,661 -[cries] - ♪♪ Figaro magnifico ♪♪ 251 00:12:49,741 --> 00:12:53,101 [sushi chef speaking Japanese] 252 00:12:56,301 --> 00:12:59,861 [in Japanese] 253 00:13:04,941 --> 00:13:06,861 Mmm. 254 00:13:06,941 --> 00:13:08,421 [feedback squeals] 255 00:13:10,741 --> 00:13:12,301 -Mind if I join you? -Gabriel? 256 00:13:12,381 --> 00:13:14,661 What an unexpected pleasure. 257 00:13:14,741 --> 00:13:15,901 It's been... 258 00:13:15,981 --> 00:13:18,061 Quite a while, yes. 259 00:13:19,781 --> 00:13:22,061 Why do you consume that? 260 00:13:22,141 --> 00:13:23,741 You're an angel. 261 00:13:23,821 --> 00:13:25,301 It's sushi. 262 00:13:25,381 --> 00:13:26,581 It's nice. 263 00:13:26,661 --> 00:13:28,821 You dip it in soy sauce. 264 00:13:28,901 --> 00:13:30,461 It's what humans do. 265 00:13:30,541 --> 00:13:32,861 And if I am going to be living here among them, 266 00:13:32,941 --> 00:13:35,021 ahem, well, keeping up appearances. 267 00:13:35,101 --> 00:13:37,141 -Tea? -I do not sully the temple 268 00:13:37,221 --> 00:13:41,141 of my celestial body with gross matter. 269 00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:42,941 Obviously not. 270 00:13:43,021 --> 00:13:46,421 -Nice suit. -Yes, I like the clothes. 271 00:13:46,501 --> 00:13:48,261 Pity they won't be around much longer. 272 00:13:48,701 --> 00:13:49,701 They won't? 273 00:13:49,781 --> 00:13:51,901 We have reliable information 274 00:13:51,981 --> 00:13:55,581 that things... are afoot. 275 00:13:55,661 --> 00:13:57,061 -They are? -Yes. 276 00:13:57,141 --> 00:14:00,141 My informant suggests that the demon...Crowley 277 00:14:00,221 --> 00:14:02,221 may be involved. 278 00:14:02,301 --> 00:14:04,101 You need to keep him under observation 279 00:14:04,181 --> 00:14:06,661 without, of course, letting him know that's what you're doing. 280 00:14:06,741 --> 00:14:09,101 I do know, yes. I've been on Earth doing this 281 00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:11,141 -since the beginning. -So has Crowley. 282 00:14:12,381 --> 00:14:14,141 It's a miracle he hasn't spotted you yet. 283 00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:15,421 Yes, I know. 284 00:14:15,501 --> 00:14:16,861 [laughs] 285 00:14:16,941 --> 00:14:19,581 Miracles are what we do. 286 00:14:25,581 --> 00:14:27,341 [God] Meet Deirdre and Arthur Young. 287 00:14:27,421 --> 00:14:30,581 They live in the Oxfordshire village of Tadfield. 288 00:14:30,661 --> 00:14:33,021 Are we there yet, Arthur? 289 00:14:33,101 --> 00:14:34,221 I'm four minutes apart. 290 00:14:34,301 --> 00:14:35,981 It's definitely this way. 291 00:14:36,061 --> 00:14:38,061 It's just the roads look all different in the dark. 292 00:14:38,141 --> 00:14:39,581 The nuns said to come in 293 00:14:39,661 --> 00:14:41,541 when they were four to five minutes apart. 294 00:14:41,621 --> 00:14:43,101 -It's just an... -[gasps] 295 00:14:43,181 --> 00:14:45,501 Oh, do we have any egg and cress sandwiches? 296 00:14:45,581 --> 00:14:46,661 Oh. 297 00:14:46,741 --> 00:14:48,581 [wails] Oh! 298 00:14:48,661 --> 00:14:50,301 [police siren wails] 299 00:14:56,461 --> 00:14:58,221 [God] Meet Harriet Dowling 300 00:14:58,301 --> 00:15:01,101 and her husband, American diplomat Thaddeus Dowling. 301 00:15:01,181 --> 00:15:03,541 [Thaddeus] Breathe, honey. Just breathe. 302 00:15:03,621 --> 00:15:06,421 I am breathing, goddamn it, Tad! 303 00:15:06,501 --> 00:15:08,381 -Why aren't you here? -Honey, I'm with you. 304 00:15:08,461 --> 00:15:11,381 I'm with you. I'm just also here with the President. 305 00:15:11,461 --> 00:15:14,541 [President Bush] Hey, Harriet, sorry we had to borrow your husband. 306 00:15:14,621 --> 00:15:15,981 [shrieks] 307 00:15:16,061 --> 00:15:17,741 Birth is the single most joyous 308 00:15:17,821 --> 00:15:19,701 co-experience that two human beings can share, 309 00:15:19,781 --> 00:15:22,501 and I'm not going to miss a second of it. 310 00:15:22,581 --> 00:15:24,541 [Bush] Tad, if we could get back to the matter at hand. 311 00:15:24,621 --> 00:15:26,301 I'll get back to you, honey. 312 00:15:26,381 --> 00:15:28,781 You're meant to be with me, you useless son of a bi-- 313 00:15:28,861 --> 00:15:31,021 At some point this evening, 314 00:15:31,101 --> 00:15:33,461 Mrs Dowling will arrive. 315 00:15:33,541 --> 00:15:37,181 She will undoubtedly have Secret Service agents with her. 316 00:15:37,261 --> 00:15:41,901 You are all to ensure that they see nothing untoward. 317 00:15:41,981 --> 00:15:44,981 Sister Theresa and I will deliver the Dowlings' child 318 00:15:45,061 --> 00:15:46,941 in room four. 319 00:15:47,021 --> 00:15:48,501 Once he has been born, 320 00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:52,061 we will remove the baby boy from the mother... 321 00:15:52,141 --> 00:15:56,901 and give her back our master's child. 322 00:15:58,781 --> 00:16:00,541 Everything is ready. 323 00:16:00,621 --> 00:16:04,541 Tonight, it begins. 324 00:16:05,541 --> 00:16:07,821 Sister Mary Loquacious? 325 00:16:07,901 --> 00:16:09,661 Yes, excuse me, Mother Superior, 326 00:16:09,741 --> 00:16:12,581 I was wondering where the other baby was going to come from? 327 00:16:12,661 --> 00:16:15,701 Not the American baby. I mean, that's obvious. 328 00:16:15,781 --> 00:16:17,101 It's just the birds and the bees. 329 00:16:17,181 --> 00:16:19,061 But, you know, the, um... 330 00:16:20,821 --> 00:16:22,221 Master Crowley is on his way 331 00:16:22,301 --> 00:16:24,461 with our dark lord-to-be, Sister Mary. 332 00:16:24,541 --> 00:16:27,701 We do not need to know more than that. 333 00:16:28,661 --> 00:16:30,661 We are Satanic nuns 334 00:16:30,741 --> 00:16:33,021 of the Chattering Order of St Beryl. 335 00:16:33,101 --> 00:16:37,741 And tonight is what our order was created for. 336 00:16:37,821 --> 00:16:39,341 -[indistinct murmuring] -Sister Grace, 337 00:16:39,421 --> 00:16:41,341 you are on duty reception. 338 00:16:41,421 --> 00:16:44,341 Sisters Maria Verbose and Katherine Prolix, 339 00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:48,421 you will assist Sister Theresa. 340 00:16:48,501 --> 00:16:50,621 The rest of you know your duties. 341 00:16:50,701 --> 00:16:52,861 -[siren wails distantly] -Oh, it's an ambulance! 342 00:16:53,781 --> 00:16:55,461 Places. 343 00:16:56,501 --> 00:16:58,581 Excuse me, Mother Superior. 344 00:16:58,661 --> 00:17:01,301 I didn't get a job. Probably an oversight. 345 00:17:01,381 --> 00:17:03,181 Yes, of course. 346 00:17:03,261 --> 00:17:05,981 You could make sure there are biscuits. 347 00:17:06,061 --> 00:17:07,621 The kind with pink icing. 348 00:17:07,701 --> 00:17:11,021 I think we had a tin in the convent larder. 349 00:17:26,821 --> 00:17:30,421 -[Harriet moaning, gasping] -[man] Clear. 350 00:17:30,501 --> 00:17:33,061 [moaning and screaming] 351 00:17:36,021 --> 00:17:38,661 -Breathe, dear, breathe. -I am breathing. Oh, God! 352 00:17:38,741 --> 00:17:40,301 Excuse me. Deirdre Young. 353 00:17:40,341 --> 00:17:43,981 Contractions are now four-- four minutes apart! 354 00:17:44,061 --> 00:17:45,461 Oh! 355 00:17:45,541 --> 00:17:48,181 Welcome to St Beryl's, Mrs Young. 356 00:17:48,261 --> 00:17:49,781 We weren't expecting you till next week. 357 00:17:49,821 --> 00:17:53,501 Now, Arthur will be with me while I'm in labour. 358 00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:56,581 I'm afraid not. 359 00:17:56,661 --> 00:17:58,501 We believe that fathers just, uh, 360 00:17:58,581 --> 00:18:00,501 complicate the process for everybody. 361 00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:03,341 We'll let him know when to come up. 362 00:18:03,461 --> 00:18:05,101 Well, I'm not going to argue with nuns. 363 00:18:05,221 --> 00:18:07,781 Nurses know what they're doing, Deirdre. 364 00:18:07,821 --> 00:18:09,541 I'll see you when it's-- 365 00:18:09,581 --> 00:18:11,981 She'll be in room three. 366 00:18:12,061 --> 00:18:14,181 -Right. -[shrieking] 367 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:17,301 Good-- Good luck. 368 00:18:17,341 --> 00:18:19,581 [God] It may help to understand human affairs 369 00:18:19,661 --> 00:18:22,821 to know that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history 370 00:18:22,901 --> 00:18:26,061 are caused not by people being fundamentally good 371 00:18:26,101 --> 00:18:27,701 or fundamentally bad, 372 00:18:27,781 --> 00:18:30,301 but by people being fundamentally people. 373 00:18:30,341 --> 00:18:31,821 You've left your lights on. 374 00:18:31,941 --> 00:18:33,541 -[snaps fingers] -Oh. 375 00:18:33,581 --> 00:18:34,901 Well, that's clever. 376 00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:37,821 -It is infrared? -Has it started yet? 377 00:18:37,901 --> 00:18:41,061 -Um... they made me go out. -Any idea how long we've got? 378 00:18:41,101 --> 00:18:44,421 I think we were getting on with it, doctor. 379 00:18:44,501 --> 00:18:45,981 Got it. What room is she in? 380 00:18:46,061 --> 00:18:49,661 -We're in room three. -Room three, got it. 381 00:18:49,741 --> 00:18:52,181 [God] There's a trick they do with three playing cards 382 00:18:52,261 --> 00:18:53,821 which is very hard to follow. 383 00:18:53,941 --> 00:18:55,741 And something like it, for greater stakes 384 00:18:55,821 --> 00:18:59,341 than a handful of loose change, is about to take place. 385 00:19:01,981 --> 00:19:04,221 Deirdre Young is in delivery room three. 386 00:19:04,301 --> 00:19:07,581 She has just given birth to a golden-haired male baby 387 00:19:07,701 --> 00:19:09,421 we will call "Baby A". 388 00:19:12,221 --> 00:19:16,301 Harriet Dowling is giving birth in delivery room four. 389 00:19:16,341 --> 00:19:19,261 She is having a golden-haired male baby 390 00:19:19,341 --> 00:19:21,421 we will call "Baby B". 391 00:19:25,941 --> 00:19:27,581 Psst. 392 00:19:27,661 --> 00:19:29,821 Sister Mary Loquacious is about to be handed 393 00:19:29,901 --> 00:19:33,581 a golden-haired male baby we will call "The Adversary, 394 00:19:33,701 --> 00:19:37,421 Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, 395 00:19:37,501 --> 00:19:41,021 Prince of This World and Lord of Darkness." 396 00:19:45,341 --> 00:19:46,341 [Mary laughs] 397 00:19:46,461 --> 00:19:49,901 -Is that him? -Yup. 398 00:19:49,981 --> 00:19:51,821 Only I'd expected funny eyes, 399 00:19:51,901 --> 00:19:55,061 or teensy-weensy little hoofikins. 400 00:19:55,101 --> 00:19:56,301 Or a wittle tail. 401 00:19:56,341 --> 00:19:58,661 It's definitely him. 402 00:19:58,741 --> 00:20:00,541 Fancy me holding the Antichrist. 403 00:20:00,581 --> 00:20:03,781 Counting his little toesie-woesies. 404 00:20:03,821 --> 00:20:04,901 Do you look like your daddy? 405 00:20:04,981 --> 00:20:06,221 -[coos] -I bet he does. 406 00:20:06,301 --> 00:20:07,941 Do you look like your daddy-waddykins? 407 00:20:08,021 --> 00:20:09,821 He doesn't. Take him up to room three. 408 00:20:09,941 --> 00:20:12,901 Room three. Do you think he'll remember me when he grows up? 409 00:20:12,981 --> 00:20:14,901 Pray that he doesn't. 410 00:20:16,821 --> 00:20:19,581 [sneezes] 411 00:20:19,701 --> 00:20:20,941 [God] Three babies. 412 00:20:21,021 --> 00:20:22,741 Watch carefully. 413 00:20:22,821 --> 00:20:25,101 Round and round they go. 414 00:20:25,221 --> 00:20:26,781 Sister Mary, what are you doing here? 415 00:20:26,821 --> 00:20:28,581 Shouldn't you be taking biscuits to the refectory? 416 00:20:28,701 --> 00:20:32,501 Master Crowley said to take the baby to room three. 417 00:20:43,261 --> 00:20:44,821 [coos] 418 00:20:44,901 --> 00:20:46,581 [gasps] 419 00:20:47,821 --> 00:20:50,261 Well, get on with it, then. 420 00:20:54,061 --> 00:20:56,101 [crying] 421 00:21:01,821 --> 00:21:03,541 -[knock on door] -[door opens] 422 00:21:05,581 --> 00:21:08,261 Has it happened yet? 423 00:21:08,341 --> 00:21:11,061 I'm the father. The husband. Both. 424 00:21:11,101 --> 00:21:14,341 Oh, yes. Congratulations. 425 00:21:14,461 --> 00:21:16,301 Your lady wife's asleep, poor pet. 426 00:21:17,661 --> 00:21:19,821 [Adversary wailing] 427 00:21:19,901 --> 00:21:22,101 [Arthur] Twins? What? 428 00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:24,261 Nobody said anything about twins. 429 00:21:24,341 --> 00:21:26,181 Oh, no, no. This one's yours. 430 00:21:26,261 --> 00:21:29,021 That one's... someone else's. 431 00:21:29,101 --> 00:21:30,821 Just looking after him. 432 00:21:30,901 --> 00:21:35,421 No, no, this one is definitely yours, your ambassadorship, 433 00:21:35,501 --> 00:21:37,821 from the top of his head to the tips of his hoofy-woofies... 434 00:21:37,941 --> 00:21:40,221 -which he hasn't got. -Oh. 435 00:21:40,301 --> 00:21:43,101 All, uh, ahem, present and correct, is he? 436 00:21:43,221 --> 00:21:47,261 Oh, yes. He's normal. Very, very normal. 437 00:21:49,541 --> 00:21:50,821 [Tad] A boy! 438 00:21:50,901 --> 00:21:52,661 -[baby crying] -Mr President. 439 00:21:52,741 --> 00:21:55,861 I have the honour, sir, to report myself the father 440 00:21:55,941 --> 00:21:58,701 of a regular Y-chromosomed son. 441 00:21:58,781 --> 00:22:02,021 Now, we just have to take him away for a minute to weigh him 442 00:22:02,101 --> 00:22:03,661 and the usual. 443 00:22:03,741 --> 00:22:04,821 [giggles] 444 00:22:04,901 --> 00:22:06,421 This father-of-a-male-boy-son 445 00:22:06,501 --> 00:22:08,301 is all yours, Mr President. 446 00:22:08,381 --> 00:22:10,781 [whispers] Harriet. Yes! 447 00:22:21,421 --> 00:22:22,461 Where's the baby? 448 00:22:23,741 --> 00:22:26,141 Satan, give me strength. 449 00:22:26,221 --> 00:22:27,981 Do you know where our master's child is? 450 00:22:28,061 --> 00:22:31,941 Sister Mary Loquacious has him in room three. 451 00:22:33,741 --> 00:22:35,661 Now, we call these biscuits. 452 00:22:35,741 --> 00:22:38,261 But you'll be looking at them and going, "Oh, cookies." 453 00:22:40,101 --> 00:22:43,141 I call them biscuits. 454 00:22:43,221 --> 00:22:45,861 [God] As methods of human communication go, 455 00:22:45,941 --> 00:22:48,821 the human wink is quite versatile. 456 00:22:48,901 --> 00:22:51,141 For example, Sister Theresa's meant... 457 00:22:51,221 --> 00:22:52,741 Where the hell have you been? 458 00:22:52,821 --> 00:22:54,501 We're ready to make the switch, 459 00:22:54,581 --> 00:22:56,141 and here's you in the wrong room with the Adversary, 460 00:22:56,221 --> 00:22:58,501 Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, 461 00:22:58,581 --> 00:23:00,741 Prince of This World, Lord of Darkness, drinking tea. 462 00:23:00,821 --> 00:23:03,341 [God] And as far as she was concerned, 463 00:23:03,421 --> 00:23:06,181 Sister Mary's answering wink meant... 464 00:23:06,261 --> 00:23:07,821 This child is the Adversary, 465 00:23:07,901 --> 00:23:09,821 Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, 466 00:23:09,901 --> 00:23:12,061 Prince of This World and Lord of Darkness. 467 00:23:12,141 --> 00:23:14,541 But I can't talk now, because there's this outsider here. 468 00:23:14,621 --> 00:23:16,541 [God] Sister Mary, on the other hand, 469 00:23:16,621 --> 00:23:19,061 had thought that Sister Theresa's wink 470 00:23:19,141 --> 00:23:20,541 was more on the lines of... 471 00:23:20,621 --> 00:23:22,221 Well done, that, Sister Mary. 472 00:23:22,301 --> 00:23:24,101 Switched over the babies all by herself. 473 00:23:24,181 --> 00:23:26,581 Now, indicate to me the superfluous child, 474 00:23:26,661 --> 00:23:28,901 and I shall remove it and let you get on with your tea 475 00:23:28,981 --> 00:23:32,541 with His Royal Excellency, the American ambassador. 476 00:23:34,301 --> 00:23:35,821 Extra baby removal. 477 00:23:38,741 --> 00:23:40,341 [Mary] But I'm wittering on. 478 00:23:40,421 --> 00:23:43,221 Where were you before you took up this appointment? 479 00:23:44,101 --> 00:23:45,541 Swindon. 480 00:23:46,661 --> 00:23:48,221 Ohh! 481 00:23:50,421 --> 00:23:55,621 Here's your little man back, all cleaned up and weighed. 482 00:23:55,701 --> 00:23:58,661 Look, honey. Our son. 483 00:23:58,741 --> 00:24:01,021 [Tad] He's beautiful, hon. 484 00:24:01,101 --> 00:24:02,901 What a little tyke, huh? 485 00:24:02,981 --> 00:24:06,061 [laughs] Oh... 486 00:24:06,141 --> 00:24:07,901 Seeing him makes me understand 487 00:24:07,981 --> 00:24:09,941 what's important in life. 488 00:24:10,021 --> 00:24:11,581 It's not work. 489 00:24:11,661 --> 00:24:13,581 I'm going to teach him to play baseball. 490 00:24:13,661 --> 00:24:15,421 And on Sundays, we'll go fishing. 491 00:24:15,501 --> 00:24:17,621 [President] Tad! 492 00:24:17,701 --> 00:24:19,741 Sorry, honey, we'll call you back. 493 00:24:21,021 --> 00:24:22,701 You must name the child. 494 00:24:22,781 --> 00:24:26,021 Well, we were going to name him Thaddeus, 495 00:24:26,101 --> 00:24:29,021 after his dad and his dad's dad. 496 00:24:29,101 --> 00:24:31,661 Damien's an excellent name. 497 00:24:31,741 --> 00:24:33,061 [Harriet] Damien Dowling? 498 00:24:33,141 --> 00:24:34,901 Too alliterative. 499 00:24:35,861 --> 00:24:36,821 Warlock, then. 500 00:24:36,901 --> 00:24:38,701 It's an old English name. 501 00:24:38,781 --> 00:24:40,501 A good name. 502 00:24:40,581 --> 00:24:42,301 [baby cries] 503 00:24:44,741 --> 00:24:47,021 Hello, Warlock. 504 00:24:47,101 --> 00:24:48,861 [Harriet gasps] 505 00:24:50,221 --> 00:24:53,021 Damien? 506 00:24:53,101 --> 00:24:55,741 No. I'd always fancied something more, 507 00:24:55,821 --> 00:24:57,701 well, traditional. 508 00:24:57,781 --> 00:25:00,701 We've always gone in for good, simple names 509 00:25:00,781 --> 00:25:02,621 in our family. 510 00:25:02,701 --> 00:25:03,901 Cain. 511 00:25:03,981 --> 00:25:05,861 Very modern sound, Cain, really. 512 00:25:07,541 --> 00:25:09,341 Well, there's always... 513 00:25:10,501 --> 00:25:12,821 I mean, there's always Adam. 514 00:25:14,661 --> 00:25:15,861 Adam? 515 00:25:17,261 --> 00:25:18,781 Hmm. 516 00:25:19,621 --> 00:25:20,821 Adam. 517 00:25:20,901 --> 00:25:22,501 [baby fussing] 518 00:25:22,581 --> 00:25:23,981 Oh! 519 00:25:24,061 --> 00:25:25,701 Ooh. 520 00:25:26,701 --> 00:25:28,661 Come on, little one. 521 00:25:28,741 --> 00:25:32,181 [Arthur] Do you know, Deirdre, um... 522 00:25:32,261 --> 00:25:35,581 I think he looks like an Adam. 523 00:25:35,661 --> 00:25:37,141 Oh. 524 00:25:37,221 --> 00:25:40,101 Hello, Adam. 525 00:25:40,181 --> 00:25:41,781 [God] It would be nice to think that the nuns 526 00:25:41,861 --> 00:25:44,421 had the surplus baby discreetly adopted. 527 00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:46,781 That he grew to be a happy, normal child, 528 00:25:46,861 --> 00:25:49,421 and then grew further to become a normal, 529 00:25:49,501 --> 00:25:51,381 fairly contented adult. 530 00:25:51,461 --> 00:25:53,581 And, perhaps, that is what happened. 531 00:25:53,661 --> 00:25:57,101 He probably wins prizes for his tropical fish. 532 00:25:59,061 --> 00:26:02,061 [slow rock playing on radio] 533 00:26:02,141 --> 00:26:03,501 Call Aziraphale. 534 00:26:03,581 --> 00:26:05,301 [female voice] Calling Aziraphale. 535 00:26:05,381 --> 00:26:06,861 [disconnected beep] 536 00:26:06,941 --> 00:26:08,341 [recording] Sorry, all lines to London 537 00:26:08,421 --> 00:26:09,701 -are currently busy. -[groans] 538 00:26:09,781 --> 00:26:11,781 [indistinct chattering] 539 00:26:15,101 --> 00:26:17,101 [classical music plays] 540 00:26:17,181 --> 00:26:19,501 [hums along] 541 00:26:19,581 --> 00:26:21,461 [phone rings] 542 00:26:25,941 --> 00:26:28,021 I'm afraid we're quite definitely closed. 543 00:26:28,101 --> 00:26:30,101 [Crowley] Aziraphale, it's me. 544 00:26:30,181 --> 00:26:33,101 -We need to talk. -[Aziraphale] Yes. 545 00:26:33,181 --> 00:26:34,501 Yes, I rather think we do. 546 00:26:34,581 --> 00:26:36,141 I assume this is about-- 547 00:26:36,221 --> 00:26:38,861 Armageddon. Yes. 548 00:26:42,301 --> 00:26:43,781 [God] Everyone knows the best place 549 00:26:43,861 --> 00:26:45,941 for a clandestine meeting in London 550 00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:49,461 is, and always has been, St James's Park. 551 00:26:49,541 --> 00:26:52,421 They say the ducks are so used to being fed by secret agents 552 00:26:52,501 --> 00:26:56,181 that they've developed Pavlovian reactions to them. 553 00:26:56,261 --> 00:26:58,541 The Russian cultural attaché's black bread 554 00:26:58,621 --> 00:27:02,861 is particularly sought after by the more discerning duck. 555 00:27:02,941 --> 00:27:04,461 Crowley and Aziraphale have been meeting here 556 00:27:04,541 --> 00:27:06,541 for quite some time. 557 00:27:06,621 --> 00:27:08,701 You're sure it was the Antichrist? 558 00:27:08,781 --> 00:27:11,101 I should know. I delivered the baby. 559 00:27:11,181 --> 00:27:13,421 Well, not "delivered" delivered, you know? 560 00:27:14,741 --> 00:27:16,061 Handed it over. 561 00:27:16,141 --> 00:27:18,261 An American diplomat. 562 00:27:18,341 --> 00:27:19,741 Really? 563 00:27:19,821 --> 00:27:22,061 As if Armageddon were a cinematographic show 564 00:27:22,141 --> 00:27:24,861 you wished to sell in as many countries as possible. 565 00:27:24,941 --> 00:27:27,341 The Earth and all the kingdoms thereof. 566 00:27:27,421 --> 00:27:30,461 -We will win, of course. -[bell tolls] 567 00:27:30,541 --> 00:27:31,701 You really believe that? 568 00:27:31,781 --> 00:27:33,181 Obviously. 569 00:27:33,261 --> 00:27:36,981 Heaven will finally triumph over Hell. 570 00:27:37,061 --> 00:27:38,701 It's all going to be rather lovely. 571 00:27:38,781 --> 00:27:40,541 Out of interest, 572 00:27:40,621 --> 00:27:43,461 how many first-class composers do your lot have in Heaven? 573 00:27:43,541 --> 00:27:44,901 Because Mozart's one of ours. 574 00:27:45,581 --> 00:27:46,901 Beethoven. 575 00:27:46,981 --> 00:27:48,221 Schubert. 576 00:27:48,301 --> 00:27:49,661 Uh, all of the Bachs. 577 00:27:49,741 --> 00:27:51,781 They have already written their music. 578 00:27:51,861 --> 00:27:55,141 And you'll never hear it again. 579 00:27:55,221 --> 00:27:57,781 No more Albert Hall. No more Glyndebourne. 580 00:27:57,861 --> 00:28:00,061 Just celestial harmonies. 581 00:28:00,141 --> 00:28:01,541 -Well... -And that's just the start 582 00:28:01,621 --> 00:28:03,301 of what you'll lose if you win. 583 00:28:03,381 --> 00:28:07,461 No more fascinating little restaurants where they know you. 584 00:28:07,541 --> 00:28:10,101 No gravlax in dill sauce. 585 00:28:11,141 --> 00:28:13,701 No more old bookshops. 586 00:28:17,381 --> 00:28:19,781 We've only got 11 years, and then it's all over. 587 00:28:19,861 --> 00:28:21,581 We have to work together. 588 00:28:22,101 --> 00:28:23,581 No. 589 00:28:23,661 --> 00:28:25,461 It's the end of the world we're talking about. 590 00:28:25,541 --> 00:28:27,341 It's not some little temptation I've asked you to cover for me 591 00:28:27,421 --> 00:28:29,661 while you're up in Edinburgh for the festival. 592 00:28:29,741 --> 00:28:31,021 -You can't say no. -No. 593 00:28:31,101 --> 00:28:32,861 We can do something. I have an idea. 594 00:28:32,941 --> 00:28:35,501 No! I am not interested. 595 00:28:36,501 --> 00:28:39,541 Well, let's have lunch, hmm? 596 00:28:39,621 --> 00:28:40,901 I still owe you one from... 597 00:28:42,821 --> 00:28:44,741 Paris. 598 00:28:45,381 --> 00:28:47,021 1793. 599 00:28:47,101 --> 00:28:50,461 Yes. The Reign of Terror. 600 00:28:50,541 --> 00:28:52,621 Was that one of ours or one of yours? 601 00:28:52,701 --> 00:28:54,301 Can't recall. 602 00:28:55,021 --> 00:28:56,861 We had crepes. 603 00:29:02,341 --> 00:29:04,261 [champagne cork pops] 604 00:29:04,341 --> 00:29:05,941 Mm. 605 00:29:07,821 --> 00:29:10,461 That was scrumptious. 606 00:29:10,541 --> 00:29:12,701 So, what are you in the mood for now? 607 00:29:12,781 --> 00:29:14,021 Alcohol. 608 00:29:14,101 --> 00:29:15,501 [glass dings] 609 00:29:15,581 --> 00:29:19,181 Quite extraordinary amounts of alcohol. 610 00:29:19,261 --> 00:29:21,021 [Aziraphale] I have several very nice bottles 611 00:29:21,101 --> 00:29:23,301 of Châteauneuf-du-Pape in the back. 612 00:29:23,381 --> 00:29:25,501 I picked up a dozen cases in 1921, 613 00:29:25,581 --> 00:29:28,461 and there's still some left for special occasions. 614 00:29:30,541 --> 00:29:33,621 Not very big on wine in Heaven, are they, though? 615 00:29:33,701 --> 00:29:36,301 Not going to get any more nice little Châteauneuf-du-Papes 616 00:29:36,381 --> 00:29:39,541 in Heaven, or single malt scotch, 617 00:29:39,621 --> 00:29:42,701 or little... little froufrou cocktails with umbrellas. 618 00:29:42,781 --> 00:29:45,661 Crowley, I've told you, I'm not helping you. 619 00:29:45,741 --> 00:29:49,341 I'm not interested. This is purely social. 620 00:29:49,421 --> 00:29:51,421 I am an angel. You are a demon. 621 00:29:51,501 --> 00:29:53,941 We're hereditary enemies. 622 00:29:54,021 --> 00:29:57,621 Get thee behind me, foul fiend. 623 00:29:57,701 --> 00:29:59,621 After you. 624 00:29:59,701 --> 00:30:01,661 [God] That night, Arthur and Deirdre Young 625 00:30:01,741 --> 00:30:04,301 proudly took the baby they believed was theirs 626 00:30:04,381 --> 00:30:07,461 home to the quiet English village of Tadfield. 627 00:30:07,541 --> 00:30:11,861 The Antichrist had been on Earth for 24 hours. 628 00:30:14,261 --> 00:30:17,061 While in London's Soho, an angel and a demon 629 00:30:17,141 --> 00:30:20,501 had been drinking solidly for the last six of them. 630 00:30:20,581 --> 00:30:24,101 [classical violin music plays out of tune] 631 00:30:24,181 --> 00:30:27,541 [Aziraphale] So, what... what exactly is your point? 632 00:30:27,621 --> 00:30:28,821 My point is-- 633 00:30:28,901 --> 00:30:30,141 [burps] 634 00:30:30,221 --> 00:30:33,541 My point is, dolphins. 635 00:30:33,621 --> 00:30:34,661 That's my point. 636 00:30:34,741 --> 00:30:36,981 Big brains, the size of... 637 00:30:38,101 --> 00:30:39,581 damn big brains. 638 00:30:39,661 --> 00:30:43,461 Not to mention the whales. Brain city, whales. 639 00:30:43,541 --> 00:30:44,581 Kraken. 640 00:30:44,661 --> 00:30:49,021 Ooh, great, big bugger. 641 00:30:49,101 --> 00:30:50,461 Supposed to rise up to the surface. 642 00:30:50,541 --> 00:30:53,381 Right... right up at the end, 643 00:30:53,461 --> 00:30:55,021 when the sea boils. 644 00:30:55,101 --> 00:30:58,021 Well, that's my point. 645 00:30:58,101 --> 00:30:59,341 Whole sea bubbling. 646 00:30:59,421 --> 00:31:00,741 The dolphins, the whales. 647 00:31:00,821 --> 00:31:03,101 Everything turning into bouillab-- 648 00:31:03,181 --> 00:31:05,381 Bouill-bouillab-- 649 00:31:05,461 --> 00:31:07,341 Bouillab-- 650 00:31:07,421 --> 00:31:09,181 Fish stew. Anyway, it's not their fault. 651 00:31:09,261 --> 00:31:11,741 And that's the same with gorillas. 652 00:31:11,821 --> 00:31:13,901 They say, like, "Whoop". They say a lot of-- 653 00:31:13,981 --> 00:31:16,541 Sky's gone red. There's... 654 00:31:16,621 --> 00:31:18,141 stars crashing down. 655 00:31:18,221 --> 00:31:20,501 And what are they putting in bananas these days? 656 00:31:20,581 --> 00:31:23,781 They're All creatures, great and small. 657 00:31:23,861 --> 00:31:26,341 And you know what's worse? 658 00:31:27,181 --> 00:31:28,701 When it's all over, 659 00:31:28,781 --> 00:31:34,221 you've got to deal with eternity! 660 00:31:34,301 --> 00:31:35,741 Eternity? 661 00:31:35,821 --> 00:31:38,421 [Crowley] Yeah, it won't be so bad at first. 662 00:31:38,501 --> 00:31:39,861 Although no Stephen Sondheim 663 00:31:39,941 --> 00:31:42,261 first nights in eternity, I'm afraid. 664 00:31:42,341 --> 00:31:45,421 Although, I have heard rumours that your boss 665 00:31:45,501 --> 00:31:49,061 really loves The Sound of Music. 666 00:31:49,141 --> 00:31:51,861 You fancy spending eternity watching that? 667 00:31:51,941 --> 00:31:53,821 You could literally climb every mountain 668 00:31:53,901 --> 00:31:56,581 over and over and over and over and over and over and over. 669 00:31:56,661 --> 00:31:58,421 I don't like it any more than you do, 670 00:31:58,501 --> 00:32:03,741 but I told you, I can't diso-- not do what I'm told. 671 00:32:03,821 --> 00:32:05,661 I'm an angel. I... 672 00:32:05,741 --> 00:32:07,061 Oh, God, I-- 673 00:32:07,141 --> 00:32:08,661 I can't cope with this while I'm drunk. 674 00:32:08,741 --> 00:32:10,181 I'm going to sober up. 675 00:32:10,261 --> 00:32:11,581 Yeah, me too. 676 00:32:11,661 --> 00:32:13,381 [inhales sharply] 677 00:32:13,461 --> 00:32:14,661 [strains] 678 00:32:22,421 --> 00:32:25,381 [music tunes down] 679 00:32:27,101 --> 00:32:30,221 [God] Harriet Dowling took baby Warlock to his new home, 680 00:32:30,301 --> 00:32:32,501 an official London residence. 681 00:32:32,581 --> 00:32:35,901 [sirens blaring] 682 00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:43,501 [Mother Superior] Our mission is done, Lord Hastur. 683 00:32:43,581 --> 00:32:44,861 The baby is in place, 684 00:32:44,941 --> 00:32:47,541 and his parents are none the wiser. 685 00:32:47,621 --> 00:32:49,501 Well, no need for the convent any longer, then, is there? 686 00:32:49,581 --> 00:32:51,301 -I'm afraid I-- -[Hastur] Dissolve. 687 00:32:51,381 --> 00:32:53,541 -What? -Your order is dissolved. 688 00:32:53,621 --> 00:32:55,621 -We're what? -Now hang on a moment. 689 00:32:55,701 --> 00:32:57,341 We did everything that was asked of us. 690 00:32:57,421 --> 00:32:58,581 What about our reward? 691 00:32:58,661 --> 00:32:59,781 So irritating. 692 00:32:59,861 --> 00:33:01,301 You never shut up, do you? 693 00:33:01,381 --> 00:33:02,661 We are a chattering order. 694 00:33:02,741 --> 00:33:04,021 We say what is on our minds. 695 00:33:04,101 --> 00:33:05,341 And right now, what's on my mind 696 00:33:05,421 --> 00:33:06,941 is that you can't treat us like-- 697 00:33:08,341 --> 00:33:09,581 [Hastur] Would you like to tell them 698 00:33:09,661 --> 00:33:11,221 that the order is dissolved? 699 00:33:11,301 --> 00:33:13,861 Or would you rather that they all perish in the fire? 700 00:33:13,941 --> 00:33:16,061 -What fire? -[thunder crashes] 701 00:33:16,141 --> 00:33:18,381 [gasps] 702 00:33:20,861 --> 00:33:22,661 [laughs] 703 00:33:27,381 --> 00:33:29,741 [all screaming] 704 00:33:35,101 --> 00:33:36,941 Even if I wanted to help, I couldn't. 705 00:33:37,021 --> 00:33:40,181 I can't interfere with the Divine Plan. 706 00:33:40,261 --> 00:33:43,101 [Crowley] Well, what about diabolical plans? 707 00:33:43,181 --> 00:33:44,701 You can't be certain that thwarting me 708 00:33:44,781 --> 00:33:47,381 isn't part of the Divine Plan, too. 709 00:33:47,461 --> 00:33:50,221 I mean, you're supposed to thwart the wiles 710 00:33:50,301 --> 00:33:52,381 of the Evil One at every turn, aren't you? 711 00:33:52,461 --> 00:33:53,901 Well... 712 00:33:53,981 --> 00:33:57,101 See a wile, ya' thwart. Am I right? 713 00:33:57,181 --> 00:33:59,981 I... Broadly. 714 00:34:00,061 --> 00:34:02,221 Actually, I encourage humans to do the actual-- 715 00:34:02,301 --> 00:34:04,581 But the Antichrist has been born. 716 00:34:04,661 --> 00:34:07,861 But it's the upbringing that's important, the influences. 717 00:34:07,941 --> 00:34:09,981 The evil influences, 718 00:34:10,061 --> 00:34:13,141 that's all going to be me. 719 00:34:13,181 --> 00:34:16,941 It'd be too bad if someone made sure that I failed. 720 00:34:22,941 --> 00:34:26,021 If you put it that way... 721 00:34:26,101 --> 00:34:29,861 Heaven couldn't actually object if I was thwarting you. 722 00:34:29,941 --> 00:34:32,901 No. Be a real feather in your wing. 723 00:34:42,621 --> 00:34:45,301 We'd be godfathers, sort of, 724 00:34:45,381 --> 00:34:48,541 overseeing his upbringing. 725 00:34:48,621 --> 00:34:49,901 We do it right, he won't be evil. 726 00:34:49,981 --> 00:34:52,901 Or good. He'll just be normal. 727 00:34:52,981 --> 00:34:54,781 It might work. 728 00:34:55,861 --> 00:34:58,661 Godfathers. 729 00:34:58,781 --> 00:35:00,701 Well, I'll be damned. [chuckles] 730 00:35:00,821 --> 00:35:03,701 It's not that bad when you get used to it. 731 00:35:11,421 --> 00:35:13,181 [bell tinkling] 732 00:35:14,821 --> 00:35:17,381 [in Scottish accent] I understand you need a nanny. 733 00:35:20,181 --> 00:35:23,901 [in West Country accent] They do say as you might be looking for a gardener. 734 00:35:29,181 --> 00:35:33,341 [Aziraphale] Oh! Young master Warlock! 735 00:35:33,421 --> 00:35:36,181 You're growing fast. 736 00:35:36,221 --> 00:35:37,941 You must be all of, um... 737 00:35:38,021 --> 00:35:40,461 Five. I'm five. 738 00:35:41,701 --> 00:35:43,221 What's that? 739 00:35:43,341 --> 00:35:45,181 Oh, that's Brother Pigeon. 740 00:35:45,221 --> 00:35:47,221 [cooing] 741 00:35:48,181 --> 00:35:49,421 And Brother Snail. 742 00:35:50,221 --> 00:35:52,621 Oh, and Sister Slug. 743 00:35:54,541 --> 00:35:58,021 Now, you remember, young Warlock, 744 00:35:58,101 --> 00:36:00,141 as you grow, 745 00:36:00,181 --> 00:36:03,861 to have love and reverence 746 00:36:03,941 --> 00:36:06,341 for all living things. 747 00:36:06,421 --> 00:36:08,221 Nanny says living things 748 00:36:08,341 --> 00:36:12,181 are only fit to be ground under my heels, Brother Francis. 749 00:36:12,221 --> 00:36:13,461 [chuckles] 750 00:36:13,541 --> 00:36:15,501 Well, don't you listen to her. 751 00:36:15,581 --> 00:36:17,701 You listen to me. 752 00:36:18,781 --> 00:36:20,581 [lullaby music plays] 753 00:36:25,501 --> 00:36:28,101 Will you sing me a lullaby, nanny? 754 00:36:28,181 --> 00:36:29,941 Of course, dear. 755 00:36:31,701 --> 00:36:35,381 ♪♪ Go to sleep ♪♪ 756 00:36:35,461 --> 00:36:40,021 ♪♪ And dream of pain ♪♪ 757 00:36:40,101 --> 00:36:43,221 ♪♪ Doom and darkness ♪♪ 758 00:36:43,341 --> 00:36:47,501 ♪♪ Blood and brains ♪♪ 759 00:36:47,581 --> 00:36:50,461 ♪♪ Sleep so sweet ♪♪ 760 00:36:50,541 --> 00:36:54,941 ♪♪ My darling boy ♪♪ 761 00:36:55,021 --> 00:36:57,661 ♪♪ You will rule ♪♪ 762 00:36:57,701 --> 00:37:01,661 ♪♪ When Earth's destroyed ♪♪ 763 00:37:01,701 --> 00:37:05,901 The gardener says that I must be kind and nice to everybody. 764 00:37:07,021 --> 00:37:08,661 Even Sister Slug. 765 00:37:08,701 --> 00:37:11,381 And not ever destroy the Earth. 766 00:37:11,461 --> 00:37:14,381 Don't listen to him. 767 00:37:14,461 --> 00:37:16,781 Listen to me. 768 00:37:16,861 --> 00:37:20,221 [God] There are many doors that will take you to Heaven or to Hell. 769 00:37:20,341 --> 00:37:23,541 But when Crowley and Aziraphale report in an official capacity 770 00:37:23,621 --> 00:37:25,581 to their respective head offices, 771 00:37:25,661 --> 00:37:27,781 they take the main entrance. 772 00:37:35,581 --> 00:37:38,101 Tell us about the boy, Warlock. 773 00:37:38,181 --> 00:37:40,381 He's a remarkable child, Lord Beelzebub. 774 00:37:40,461 --> 00:37:43,941 -But is he evil? -Fantastically evil. 775 00:37:44,021 --> 00:37:45,301 Killed anyone yet? 776 00:37:46,341 --> 00:37:47,901 Uh... not yet, 777 00:37:47,981 --> 00:37:49,501 but there's more to evil than just killing people, eh? 778 00:37:49,581 --> 00:37:50,581 [murmurs of agreement] 779 00:37:50,661 --> 00:37:52,101 [Ligur] I suppose. 780 00:37:52,181 --> 00:37:53,621 But it's fun. 781 00:37:53,661 --> 00:37:56,181 Have you encountered any problems from the... 782 00:37:56,301 --> 00:37:58,181 -[flies buzzing] -...opposition? 783 00:37:58,301 --> 00:38:01,661 They don't suspect a thing. 784 00:38:02,461 --> 00:38:04,621 I am proud to say 785 00:38:04,661 --> 00:38:06,821 that on a very real level, 786 00:38:06,901 --> 00:38:08,301 the Antichrist child 787 00:38:08,381 --> 00:38:12,581 is now being influenced towards the light. 788 00:38:12,661 --> 00:38:14,181 Very commendable, Aziraphale. 789 00:38:14,221 --> 00:38:16,781 -Excellent work, as usual. -Yes. 790 00:38:16,861 --> 00:38:19,421 But, Aziraphale, we will be most understanding 791 00:38:19,501 --> 00:38:21,541 when you fail. 792 00:38:21,621 --> 00:38:23,941 After all, wars are to be won. 793 00:38:24,021 --> 00:38:26,181 Not avoided. 794 00:38:26,221 --> 00:38:27,941 But I won't fail. 795 00:38:28,021 --> 00:38:29,661 I mean, that would be bad. 796 00:38:29,781 --> 00:38:33,301 Aziraphale, what you're doing is praiseworthy, 797 00:38:33,381 --> 00:38:35,981 but obviously doomed to failure. 798 00:38:36,061 --> 00:38:37,861 [chuckles] 799 00:38:37,941 --> 00:38:41,821 Still, as the Almighty likes to say, 800 00:38:41,901 --> 00:38:43,421 "Climb every mountain." 801 00:38:46,541 --> 00:38:48,781 "Ford every stream." 802 00:39:01,061 --> 00:39:03,581 The boy's too normal. 803 00:39:03,661 --> 00:39:05,581 Excellent. It's working. 804 00:39:05,661 --> 00:39:08,501 The heavenly influences are balancing out the hellish. 805 00:39:08,581 --> 00:39:09,701 A no-score draw. 806 00:39:09,821 --> 00:39:11,421 I hope you're right. 807 00:39:11,501 --> 00:39:13,141 Only six years left to go. 808 00:39:13,181 --> 00:39:14,861 -Crowley. -Yeah? 809 00:39:14,941 --> 00:39:19,501 I mean, if he comes into his full power, 810 00:39:19,581 --> 00:39:21,861 how do we stop him then? 811 00:39:23,381 --> 00:39:25,901 I'm sure it won't come to that. 812 00:39:52,221 --> 00:39:54,661 -[Ligur] He's big. -[Hastur] He's the biggest we've got. 813 00:39:54,781 --> 00:39:57,661 Only the best for our young master-to-be. 814 00:39:57,701 --> 00:39:59,381 [Ligur] Do you think he's hungry? 815 00:39:59,461 --> 00:40:02,061 [Hastur] Only one way to find out. 816 00:40:02,141 --> 00:40:03,341 [growls] 817 00:40:03,421 --> 00:40:04,581 You. Get in there. 818 00:40:04,661 --> 00:40:06,701 -Me? -Yes, yes, you. 819 00:40:11,501 --> 00:40:12,901 Watch out for his teeth. 820 00:40:12,981 --> 00:40:14,541 Ooh. 821 00:40:14,621 --> 00:40:17,661 [screams] 822 00:40:17,781 --> 00:40:20,301 It's not like you didn't tell him to look out for the teeth. 823 00:40:20,381 --> 00:40:21,581 [banging on door] 824 00:40:21,661 --> 00:40:24,541 [Hastur] I think he was hungry. 825 00:40:24,621 --> 00:40:26,541 [Harriet] Warlock, are you listening to me, honey? 826 00:40:26,621 --> 00:40:28,661 Look what they used to think dinosaurs looked like. 827 00:40:28,781 --> 00:40:31,141 -Whatever. -They're old and educational. 828 00:40:31,181 --> 00:40:32,661 -It's dumb. -It's not dumb, sweetie. 829 00:40:32,781 --> 00:40:35,421 -It's a dinosaur. -Dumbasaur, more like. 830 00:40:35,501 --> 00:40:37,981 Can we talk about my birthday party? 831 00:40:38,061 --> 00:40:41,421 Why can't we have my party in an escape room? 832 00:40:41,501 --> 00:40:42,981 [Harriet] Honey, for the last time, 833 00:40:43,061 --> 00:40:44,141 we've already hired a... 834 00:40:44,181 --> 00:40:45,821 [Warlock] But, Mom... 835 00:40:45,901 --> 00:40:47,901 [Crowley] Well, we've done everything we can. 836 00:40:47,981 --> 00:40:52,021 All we can do now is wait for his birthday. 837 00:40:52,101 --> 00:40:53,701 The Hell Hound will be the key. 838 00:40:53,821 --> 00:40:56,141 Shows up at 3:00 on Wednesday. 839 00:40:56,541 --> 00:40:58,141 Right. 840 00:40:58,181 --> 00:41:00,781 You've never actually mentioned a Hell Hound before. 841 00:41:01,341 --> 00:41:02,581 Oh, yeah. 842 00:41:02,661 --> 00:41:04,181 Yeah, they're sending him a Hell Hound 843 00:41:04,221 --> 00:41:07,661 to pad by his side and guard him from all harm. 844 00:41:07,701 --> 00:41:09,861 -Oh. -Biggest one they've got. 845 00:41:09,941 --> 00:41:11,661 Won't people remark on the sudden appearance 846 00:41:11,701 --> 00:41:13,181 of a huge black dog? 847 00:41:13,301 --> 00:41:14,981 His parents, for a start? 848 00:41:15,061 --> 00:41:19,301 No one will notice anything. It's reality, angel. 849 00:41:19,381 --> 00:41:21,581 And young Warlock can do what he likes with that, 850 00:41:21,661 --> 00:41:24,901 whether he knows it or not. 851 00:41:24,981 --> 00:41:27,421 It's the start of it all. The boy's meant to name it. 852 00:41:27,501 --> 00:41:30,901 Um... Stalks by Night, Throat-Ripper, something like that. 853 00:41:30,981 --> 00:41:34,101 But if you and I have done our job properly, 854 00:41:34,181 --> 00:41:37,461 then he'll send it away unnamed. 855 00:41:37,541 --> 00:41:39,301 What if he does name it? 856 00:41:39,381 --> 00:41:40,981 Then you and I have lost, he'll have all his powers, 857 00:41:41,061 --> 00:41:43,621 and Armageddon will be days away. 858 00:41:43,661 --> 00:41:46,381 There must be some way of stopping it. 859 00:41:47,661 --> 00:41:50,181 If there was no boy... 860 00:41:50,221 --> 00:41:51,821 then the process would stop. 861 00:41:51,901 --> 00:41:54,501 Yes, but there is a boy. He's over there, 862 00:41:54,581 --> 00:41:57,461 writing a rude word on a description of a dinosaur. 863 00:41:57,541 --> 00:41:58,861 [Crowley] Well, there is a boy now. 864 00:41:58,941 --> 00:42:01,101 That could change. 865 00:42:03,501 --> 00:42:06,021 Something could happen to him. 866 00:42:07,901 --> 00:42:09,541 I'm saying you could kill him. 867 00:42:13,981 --> 00:42:17,821 I've never actually... killed anything. 868 00:42:21,301 --> 00:42:23,221 I don't think I could. 869 00:42:24,501 --> 00:42:28,101 Not even to save everything? 870 00:42:30,341 --> 00:42:31,421 One life... 871 00:42:31,501 --> 00:42:33,661 against the universe. 872 00:42:38,981 --> 00:42:41,301 Then, this Hell Hound, 873 00:42:41,381 --> 00:42:42,901 it'll show up at his birthday party? 874 00:42:42,981 --> 00:42:44,781 -Yeah. -Well, then we should be there. 875 00:42:44,861 --> 00:42:49,661 Maybe I can stop the dog. In fact, I could entertain. 876 00:42:49,781 --> 00:42:51,101 No, no, no. Please, no. No. 877 00:42:51,181 --> 00:42:52,501 I just need to get back into practice. 878 00:42:52,581 --> 00:42:54,621 Oh, no, no. Don't do your magic act. 879 00:42:54,661 --> 00:42:57,101 -[exhales] -Please. Please! I'm actually begging you. 880 00:42:57,181 --> 00:42:59,981 -[coin falls to ground] -You have no idea how demeaning that is. Please. 881 00:43:00,661 --> 00:43:02,221 [exhaling] 882 00:43:02,341 --> 00:43:03,901 -In your finger. -No, it was in your ear. 883 00:43:03,981 --> 00:43:06,861 -It was in your pocket. -It was close to your ear. 884 00:43:06,941 --> 00:43:08,661 Never anywhere near my ear. 885 00:43:08,701 --> 00:43:09,781 You're no fun. 886 00:43:09,861 --> 00:43:11,181 -Fun? -Yes. 887 00:43:11,221 --> 00:43:13,181 It's humiliating. 888 00:43:13,221 --> 00:43:14,421 You can do proper magic. 889 00:43:14,501 --> 00:43:15,861 You can make things disappear. 890 00:43:15,941 --> 00:43:17,061 But it's not as fun. 891 00:43:17,141 --> 00:43:19,541 Make you disappear. 892 00:43:19,621 --> 00:43:21,221 [Aziraphale] Where has he got to? 893 00:43:21,341 --> 00:43:24,181 Is he in here... somewhere? 894 00:43:25,701 --> 00:43:27,821 There he is! Ha! This-- 895 00:43:27,901 --> 00:43:29,301 -We'll come back to that one. -[phone keyboards clicking] 896 00:43:29,381 --> 00:43:31,061 You see, it's me old top hat. 897 00:43:31,141 --> 00:43:32,661 But, wait. 898 00:43:35,021 --> 00:43:37,301 What's this? 899 00:43:38,141 --> 00:43:39,821 Could it be 900 00:43:39,901 --> 00:43:41,781 our old furry friend, 901 00:43:42,941 --> 00:43:45,701 Harry the Rabbit? 902 00:43:45,821 --> 00:43:47,381 It was in the table. 903 00:43:47,461 --> 00:43:50,341 You said there was gonna be a celebrity magician. 904 00:43:50,421 --> 00:43:53,821 I had Penn and Teller at my party, and I had a silent disco, 905 00:43:53,901 --> 00:43:55,781 -and I got a-- -You're rubbish. 906 00:43:55,861 --> 00:43:58,261 [child] Excuse me, excuse me. 907 00:43:58,341 --> 00:44:01,901 He's right, you know. You are actually rubbish. 908 00:44:01,981 --> 00:44:05,021 [quietly] Five, four, 909 00:44:05,101 --> 00:44:08,781 three, two, one. 910 00:44:10,301 --> 00:44:11,581 [Hastur] The time is upon us. 911 00:44:11,661 --> 00:44:13,741 As soon as the boy names the Hound, 912 00:44:13,821 --> 00:44:16,101 Armageddon will begin. 913 00:44:18,341 --> 00:44:21,661 -Go. Find your master. -[all screaming] 914 00:44:24,661 --> 00:44:26,501 [indistinct chatter over radio] 915 00:44:26,581 --> 00:44:28,341 He's not back yet? 916 00:44:28,421 --> 00:44:30,581 He's down in Hogback Wood, playing with his friends. 917 00:44:30,661 --> 00:44:32,461 I've told him to be home by teatime. 918 00:44:32,541 --> 00:44:35,061 Right, well, give me a shout when he gets back, 919 00:44:35,141 --> 00:44:38,261 then we can light the candles. 920 00:44:38,341 --> 00:44:39,861 [no audible dialogue] 921 00:44:41,061 --> 00:44:42,901 [kids cheering] 922 00:44:47,101 --> 00:44:49,141 [shouts and screams] 923 00:44:50,981 --> 00:44:55,341 That was the best 11th birthday ever. 924 00:44:55,421 --> 00:44:57,221 It was all a bit of a disaster, I'm afraid. 925 00:44:57,301 --> 00:44:59,621 Nonsense. You gave them all a party to remember. 926 00:44:59,701 --> 00:45:02,461 Last one any of them will ever have, mind. 927 00:45:02,541 --> 00:45:03,861 It's late. 928 00:45:03,941 --> 00:45:05,621 Comes of putting it up your sleeve. 929 00:45:05,701 --> 00:45:06,781 [turns radio on] 930 00:45:06,861 --> 00:45:07,901 No. 931 00:45:09,021 --> 00:45:10,861 -[wings beating] -The Hell Hound. 932 00:45:10,941 --> 00:45:12,781 It's late. 933 00:45:12,861 --> 00:45:14,941 [radio announcer] ...Isle of Skye, and your time starts-- 934 00:45:15,021 --> 00:45:16,941 [signal warbles] 935 00:45:17,021 --> 00:45:19,501 -[male voice on radio] Hello, Crowley. -Uh, hi. Who's this? 936 00:45:19,581 --> 00:45:21,821 Dagon, Lord of the Files, 937 00:45:21,901 --> 00:45:23,541 Master of Torments. 938 00:45:23,621 --> 00:45:25,901 Yeah, just checking in about the Hell Hound. 939 00:45:25,981 --> 00:45:27,461 He should be with you by now. 940 00:45:27,541 --> 00:45:30,661 Why? Has something gone wrong, Crowley? 941 00:45:30,741 --> 00:45:33,301 Wrong? No, no. Nothing's wrong. What could be wrong? 942 00:45:33,381 --> 00:45:35,021 Oh, no, I see him now, yes. 943 00:45:35,101 --> 00:45:37,621 What a lovely, big helly Hell Hound. 944 00:45:37,701 --> 00:45:39,981 Yes, OK, great talking to you. 945 00:45:41,581 --> 00:45:42,781 No dog. 946 00:45:44,101 --> 00:45:45,621 No dog. 947 00:45:45,701 --> 00:45:47,901 Wrong boy. 948 00:45:50,221 --> 00:45:52,261 Wrong boy. 949 00:45:52,341 --> 00:45:55,501 [God] The right boy was playing in the woods with his friends. 950 00:45:55,581 --> 00:45:57,741 After all, it was his birthday. 951 00:45:57,821 --> 00:45:59,621 Hogback Wood was their Eden, 952 00:45:59,701 --> 00:46:02,381 where they could play unbothered by adults. 953 00:46:02,461 --> 00:46:05,141 The children called themselves the "Them". 954 00:46:05,221 --> 00:46:08,901 Pepper and Brian, Wensleydale, 955 00:46:08,981 --> 00:46:12,581 and the birthday boy, their leader, who found their den 956 00:46:12,661 --> 00:46:16,581 and invented the best games of all... Adam. 957 00:46:18,701 --> 00:46:21,661 [growling] 958 00:46:24,341 --> 00:46:25,981 [roars] 959 00:46:26,061 --> 00:46:28,821 It's my birthday. Of course, I'm gonna get a dog. 960 00:46:28,901 --> 00:46:30,181 [Pepper] You never get what you want. 961 00:46:30,261 --> 00:46:33,261 I wanted a bike, and I asked for it. 962 00:46:33,341 --> 00:46:35,461 And I told them I wanted a razor blade saddle, 963 00:46:35,541 --> 00:46:37,701 and 12 gears and everything. 964 00:46:37,781 --> 00:46:38,901 And do you know what they got me? 965 00:46:38,981 --> 00:46:41,461 A girl's bike. With a basket. 966 00:46:41,541 --> 00:46:43,741 But you are actually a girl, Pepper. 967 00:46:43,821 --> 00:46:45,141 That's just sexist. 968 00:46:45,221 --> 00:46:47,101 I want a dog. 969 00:46:47,181 --> 00:46:48,981 [Pepper] Oh, right. And your mum and dad 970 00:46:49,061 --> 00:46:51,181 are just going to get you a big old Rotten-weiler, then, Adam? 971 00:46:51,261 --> 00:46:52,221 I don't want a big dog. 972 00:46:52,301 --> 00:46:54,021 [curious growl] 973 00:46:54,101 --> 00:46:57,701 I want the kind of dog you can have fun with. A little dog. 974 00:46:57,781 --> 00:46:59,621 I want a dog that's brilliantly intelligent, 975 00:46:59,701 --> 00:47:02,501 and can go down rabbit holes, and I can teach tricks. 976 00:47:02,581 --> 00:47:04,661 And I'll call him... 977 00:47:04,741 --> 00:47:07,501 [God] And this is the moment. The naming. 978 00:47:07,581 --> 00:47:10,781 This will give it its purpose, its function, its identity. 979 00:47:10,861 --> 00:47:15,021 This is the moment that sets Armageddon into motion. 980 00:47:16,381 --> 00:47:18,941 The Hell Hound growls a low, rumbling snarl 981 00:47:19,021 --> 00:47:21,301 of spring-coiled menace. 982 00:47:21,381 --> 00:47:23,341 The sort of growl that starts in the back of one throat 983 00:47:23,421 --> 00:47:26,061 and ends up deep in someone else's. 984 00:47:26,141 --> 00:47:27,381 I think I'll call him "Dog". 985 00:47:27,461 --> 00:47:29,541 [whimpers] 986 00:47:31,021 --> 00:47:33,461 Saves a lot of trouble, a name like that. 987 00:47:33,541 --> 00:47:35,101 And, what, this dog's just gonna turn up? 988 00:47:35,181 --> 00:47:36,621 Maybe. 989 00:47:37,461 --> 00:47:38,981 [barks] 990 00:47:42,141 --> 00:47:43,261 Here, boy. Come on. 991 00:47:58,861 --> 00:48:01,861 [Dog whines] 992 00:48:01,941 --> 00:48:03,621 [Crowley] Armageddon is days away, 993 00:48:03,701 --> 00:48:05,781 and we've lost the Antichrist. 994 00:48:05,861 --> 00:48:09,941 Why did the powers of Hell have to drag me into this anyway? 995 00:48:10,021 --> 00:48:11,901 Well, don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure 996 00:48:11,981 --> 00:48:13,821 it's because of all those memos you kept sending them, 997 00:48:13,901 --> 00:48:16,181 saying how amazingly well you were doing. 998 00:48:16,261 --> 00:48:17,861 Is it my fault they never check-up? 999 00:48:17,941 --> 00:48:20,981 I'm to blame they never check-up? 1000 00:48:21,061 --> 00:48:23,981 Everyone stretches the truth a bit in memos to head office. 1001 00:48:24,061 --> 00:48:25,421 -You know that. -Yes, but you told them 1002 00:48:25,501 --> 00:48:27,261 you invented the Spanish Inquisition 1003 00:48:27,341 --> 00:48:29,501 and started the Second World War. 1004 00:48:29,581 --> 00:48:32,101 So the humans beat me to it. That's not my fault. 1005 00:48:32,181 --> 00:48:34,461 [sniffing] 1006 00:48:34,541 --> 00:48:36,061 Something's changed. 1007 00:48:36,141 --> 00:48:37,741 Oh, it's a new cologne. My barber suggested it. 1008 00:48:37,821 --> 00:48:39,981 Not you. I know what you smell like. 1009 00:48:43,541 --> 00:48:45,821 The Hell Hound has found its master. 1010 00:48:45,901 --> 00:48:47,061 Are you sure? 1011 00:48:47,141 --> 00:48:49,461 I felt it. Would I lie to you? 1012 00:48:49,541 --> 00:48:51,341 Well, obviously. You're a demon. That's what you do. 1013 00:48:51,421 --> 00:48:54,021 No, I'm not lying. The boy, wherever he is, 1014 00:48:54,101 --> 00:48:56,341 has the dog. 1015 00:48:56,421 --> 00:48:58,261 He's named it. It's done. 1016 00:48:58,341 --> 00:49:00,181 He's coming into his power. 1017 00:49:01,341 --> 00:49:02,781 We're doomed. 1018 00:49:03,781 --> 00:49:04,981 Well, then... 1019 00:49:06,621 --> 00:49:08,341 welcome to the end times. 1020 00:49:11,061 --> 00:49:13,221 [theme music plays]