1 00:00:06,061 --> 00:00:08,181 [theme music] 2 00:00:45,581 --> 00:00:46,461 Can I help you? 3 00:00:48,221 --> 00:00:50,461 I would like to purchase one of your material objects. 4 00:00:50,541 --> 00:00:52,941 -Books. -Books. 5 00:00:53,021 --> 00:00:56,581 Let us discuss my purchase in a private place, 6 00:00:56,661 --> 00:00:58,861 because I am buying, uh... 7 00:00:58,941 --> 00:01:00,781 Pornography? 8 00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:02,741 Pornography. 9 00:01:02,821 --> 00:01:05,141 Gabriel, come into my back room. 10 00:01:06,741 --> 00:01:09,821 We humans are extremely easily embarrassed. 11 00:01:09,901 --> 00:01:13,221 We must buy our pornography secretively. 12 00:01:15,021 --> 00:01:16,581 Human beings are so simple... 13 00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:19,301 and so easily fooled. 14 00:01:19,381 --> 00:01:20,581 [laughs] Yes. 15 00:01:20,701 --> 00:01:22,581 Ahem, good job. You-- You fooled them all. 16 00:01:22,701 --> 00:01:24,581 You remember Sandalphon? 17 00:01:24,661 --> 00:01:27,421 Uh... Sodom and Gomorrah. 18 00:01:27,501 --> 00:01:28,781 You were doing a lot of smiting 19 00:01:28,861 --> 00:01:31,061 and turning people into salt. 20 00:01:31,141 --> 00:01:32,261 Hard to forget. 21 00:01:32,341 --> 00:01:33,421 [sniffing] 22 00:01:33,501 --> 00:01:36,581 Something smells...evil. 23 00:01:38,741 --> 00:01:42,061 Oh, that'll be the Jeffrey Archer books, I'm afraid. 24 00:01:42,141 --> 00:01:43,461 Well, we just wanted to stop by 25 00:01:43,541 --> 00:01:46,141 and check on the status of the Antichrist. 26 00:01:46,221 --> 00:01:47,621 Why? What's wrong? 27 00:01:47,701 --> 00:01:50,021 I-- I mean, if there is something wrong, 28 00:01:50,101 --> 00:01:51,861 I could put my people onto it. 29 00:01:51,941 --> 00:01:53,861 [Gabriel] Nothing's wrong. Everything's going perfectly. 30 00:01:53,941 --> 00:01:56,141 There's a lot happening. All good. 31 00:01:56,941 --> 00:01:58,341 All good? 32 00:01:58,421 --> 00:02:01,621 Well, all going according to the Divine Plan. 33 00:02:01,701 --> 00:02:03,621 The Hell Hound has been set loose, 34 00:02:03,701 --> 00:02:05,941 and now the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are being summoned. 35 00:02:06,021 --> 00:02:09,661 Death, Pollution, Famine, War. 36 00:02:09,741 --> 00:02:10,901 Right. 37 00:02:10,981 --> 00:02:13,061 Who exactly summons them? 38 00:02:13,141 --> 00:02:14,461 Not my department. 39 00:02:14,541 --> 00:02:16,261 I believe we outsource that sort of thing. 40 00:02:16,341 --> 00:02:18,101 About time, that's what I say. 41 00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:21,581 You can't have a war without War. 42 00:02:22,901 --> 00:02:25,901 Sandalphon, that is very good. 43 00:02:25,981 --> 00:02:29,981 You can't have a war without War. 44 00:02:30,061 --> 00:02:31,981 I might use that. Huh? 45 00:02:32,061 --> 00:02:34,181 Anyway... 46 00:02:34,261 --> 00:02:36,421 no problems? How was the Hell Hound? 47 00:02:36,461 --> 00:02:38,541 I-- I didn't stick around to see. 48 00:02:38,621 --> 00:02:40,981 Thank you for my pornography! 49 00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:42,061 [Gabriel laughs] 50 00:02:42,141 --> 00:02:44,381 Excellent job. 51 00:02:44,461 --> 00:02:46,621 "You can't have a war without War." 52 00:02:47,461 --> 00:02:49,021 Clever. 53 00:02:49,101 --> 00:02:50,501 [chuckles] 54 00:03:01,261 --> 00:03:04,341 Welcome back. Now, the government's foreign affairs spokesman 55 00:03:04,421 --> 00:03:06,661 will be here to comment on the recent increase 56 00:03:06,741 --> 00:03:08,381 in international tensions. 57 00:03:08,461 --> 00:03:10,821 But first, do you know what's in your fridge? 58 00:03:10,901 --> 00:03:12,421 Morning, Crowley. 59 00:03:12,501 --> 00:03:14,181 [Ligur] Just checking in. 60 00:03:14,261 --> 00:03:15,581 Nice chair. 61 00:03:15,661 --> 00:03:16,781 Hey, guys. 62 00:03:16,861 --> 00:03:18,541 It's about the Antichrist. 63 00:03:18,621 --> 00:03:21,141 Yeah. Great kid. Takes after his dad. 64 00:03:21,221 --> 00:03:23,101 [Hastur] Our operatives in the State Department 65 00:03:23,181 --> 00:03:24,541 have arranged for the child's family 66 00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:26,341 to be flown to the Middle East. 67 00:03:26,421 --> 00:03:27,781 [Ligur] There, he and the Hell Hound 68 00:03:27,861 --> 00:03:29,701 will be taken to the Valley of Megiddo. 69 00:03:29,781 --> 00:03:31,901 [Hastur] The Four Horsemen will begin their final ride. 70 00:03:31,981 --> 00:03:34,221 -Yay. -Armageddon will begin. 71 00:03:34,301 --> 00:03:36,261 The final combat. 72 00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:39,381 It's what we've been working towards since we rebelled. 73 00:03:39,461 --> 00:03:41,381 We are the fallen. 74 00:03:41,461 --> 00:03:44,021 Never forget that. 75 00:03:44,101 --> 00:03:45,581 Well, it's not the sort of thing you forget. 76 00:03:45,661 --> 00:03:48,621 [whispers] I don't trust you, Crowley. 77 00:03:48,701 --> 00:03:50,621 Everything's going just fine. 78 00:03:52,261 --> 00:03:54,901 I didn't mean to fall. 79 00:03:54,981 --> 00:03:57,301 I just hung around the wrong people. 80 00:03:58,901 --> 00:04:00,341 [God] Somebody has to summon 81 00:04:00,421 --> 00:04:03,901 the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. 82 00:04:03,981 --> 00:04:07,541 But they outsource that sort of thing these days. 83 00:04:07,621 --> 00:04:08,981 Meet the Summoner. 84 00:04:09,061 --> 00:04:11,501 He has four items to deliver in his van. 85 00:04:11,581 --> 00:04:14,341 He works for the International Express Company. 86 00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:18,421 And he's about to make his first delivery in a former war zone. 87 00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:24,661 Sometimes, despite everything, peace breaks out. 88 00:04:24,741 --> 00:04:26,781 People get tired of fighting, and pain, and death, 89 00:04:26,821 --> 00:04:30,021 and are willing to start all over again. 90 00:04:30,101 --> 00:04:32,821 Excuse me, who are you? 91 00:04:32,901 --> 00:04:36,061 Carmine Zingiber. National World Weekly. 92 00:04:36,141 --> 00:04:37,141 War correspondent. 93 00:04:37,221 --> 00:04:40,061 Well, this is good, my friend. 94 00:04:40,141 --> 00:04:42,221 It is good that a member of the world press is here 95 00:04:42,261 --> 00:04:44,141 to see us sign the peace accord. 96 00:04:44,221 --> 00:04:47,021 [laughs] 97 00:04:47,101 --> 00:04:51,821 Right, well, if you'd like to sign this first, Your Highness, 98 00:04:51,901 --> 00:04:54,621 and then the Prime Minister, then the Supreme Leader, 99 00:04:54,701 --> 00:04:56,381 then we'll get a photograph of all three of you together. 100 00:04:56,501 --> 00:04:58,381 Wait. He signs first? 101 00:04:58,461 --> 00:05:01,141 It is just a formality who signs first. 102 00:05:01,221 --> 00:05:03,261 A formality? You make me a laughingstock in my country, 103 00:05:03,381 --> 00:05:05,141 and you call that a formality? 104 00:05:05,221 --> 00:05:09,021 [laughs] Somebody has to sign the peace agreement first. 105 00:05:09,101 --> 00:05:11,261 They do, and it's me. 106 00:05:14,261 --> 00:05:16,141 [guns cock] 107 00:05:18,261 --> 00:05:20,381 Oh, don't mind me, ladies and gents. 108 00:05:21,461 --> 00:05:22,541 Oh, what a day, eh? 109 00:05:22,621 --> 00:05:24,021 Nearly didn't find the place. 110 00:05:24,101 --> 00:05:26,781 Someone doesn't believe in signposts, eh? 111 00:05:32,381 --> 00:05:34,101 Package for you, miss. 112 00:05:34,181 --> 00:05:36,901 You, uh... you have to sign for it. 113 00:05:39,181 --> 00:05:41,381 Well, it's a lovely place you got here. 114 00:05:41,461 --> 00:05:44,541 Yeah, I always wanted to come here on my holidays. 115 00:05:51,621 --> 00:05:53,301 -Finally. -Put it down. 116 00:05:55,461 --> 00:05:57,461 Oh, you sweet thing. 117 00:05:57,541 --> 00:06:00,301 That's not gonna happen, is it? 118 00:06:01,901 --> 00:06:03,741 Sorry, folks. 119 00:06:03,821 --> 00:06:06,301 I'd love to stay and get to know you all better... 120 00:06:06,381 --> 00:06:08,301 but duty calls. 121 00:06:12,901 --> 00:06:14,781 [gunshots] 122 00:06:18,621 --> 00:06:20,421 [God] She's the first of four. 123 00:06:20,501 --> 00:06:22,421 And you can't have a war without her. 124 00:06:22,501 --> 00:06:25,781 She's been killing time for so long now. 125 00:06:25,861 --> 00:06:28,701 Time, and sometimes people. 126 00:06:28,781 --> 00:06:33,381 And now, 60 centuries of waiting are about to end. 127 00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:35,381 [theme music] 128 00:08:02,461 --> 00:08:04,621 [God] This is also the story of a witch, 129 00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:06,701 a Witchfinder, and a book. 130 00:08:06,781 --> 00:08:09,901 And that story starts about 360 years ago, 131 00:08:09,981 --> 00:08:12,701 with the last witch burning in England. 132 00:08:12,781 --> 00:08:16,021 [Maggs] Witchfinder Major Pulsifer, all is prepared. 133 00:08:16,101 --> 00:08:17,341 Where is the hag? 134 00:08:17,421 --> 00:08:20,061 In her cottage. She suspects nothing. 135 00:08:20,141 --> 00:08:21,901 I thought you'd tested her with a pin. 136 00:08:21,981 --> 00:08:24,901 We did. Regulation-issue Witchfinder's pin. 137 00:08:24,981 --> 00:08:27,781 -Pricked her all over. -And what was the result? 138 00:08:27,861 --> 00:08:30,461 She said it cured her arthritis. 139 00:08:30,541 --> 00:08:31,581 Hmm. 140 00:08:31,661 --> 00:08:33,541 Of what else is she accused? 141 00:08:33,621 --> 00:08:35,501 Predicting the future, mostly. 142 00:08:35,581 --> 00:08:36,941 She told Mistress Bulcock 143 00:08:37,021 --> 00:08:39,261 that Adultery would be coming to town. 144 00:08:39,341 --> 00:08:41,621 Such nonsense. 145 00:08:41,661 --> 00:08:42,981 That's you, isn't it? 146 00:08:43,061 --> 00:08:45,861 It's not me. 147 00:08:45,901 --> 00:08:47,901 My given name, Witchfinder Private Maggs, 148 00:08:48,021 --> 00:08:49,901 is Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. 149 00:08:49,981 --> 00:08:53,461 But you can call me "Witchfinder Major Pulsifer". 150 00:08:56,501 --> 00:08:59,741 So they don't call you "Adultery Pulsifer"? 151 00:08:59,781 --> 00:09:01,781 They do not. 152 00:09:01,901 --> 00:09:03,781 [Agnes] Good milkman... 153 00:09:03,861 --> 00:09:05,301 bring no more milk, 154 00:09:05,381 --> 00:09:06,661 not this day or ever, 155 00:09:06,741 --> 00:09:09,541 for today I am to die in flames. 156 00:09:09,621 --> 00:09:11,661 Yours, Agnes Nutter. 157 00:09:15,141 --> 00:09:18,981 P.S. My best wishes to your wife. 158 00:09:21,781 --> 00:09:23,221 [chanting outside] Witch! Witch! 159 00:09:23,301 --> 00:09:24,621 They're late. 160 00:09:27,061 --> 00:09:28,541 [Pulsifer] She runs, I have heard tell, 161 00:09:28,661 --> 00:09:30,501 with no one pursuing her. 162 00:09:30,541 --> 00:09:32,781 Aye. She says running each morning 163 00:09:32,901 --> 00:09:35,341 in an unladylike manner around the village 164 00:09:35,421 --> 00:09:36,901 doth improve her health. 165 00:09:37,021 --> 00:09:38,541 Monstrous. 166 00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:41,541 Perhaps invisible demons pursue the witch as she runs. 167 00:09:41,661 --> 00:09:44,021 No, she says it's good for you. 168 00:09:44,101 --> 00:09:47,061 She said we should get more fibre in our diet. 169 00:09:47,141 --> 00:09:51,421 I told her, I said, it's hard enough picking out the gravel. 170 00:09:51,501 --> 00:09:53,981 Aye, she is obviously mad. 171 00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:56,181 But how can we be certain she is a witch? 172 00:09:56,261 --> 00:09:58,861 She cured me of the howling pox. 173 00:09:58,901 --> 00:10:01,781 And cured my son of the bloody flux. 174 00:10:01,861 --> 00:10:03,541 Obviously, a witch. 175 00:10:03,621 --> 00:10:05,381 [all] Witch. 176 00:10:05,461 --> 00:10:07,621 Witch. 177 00:10:07,661 --> 00:10:09,501 Witch. 178 00:10:09,541 --> 00:10:11,181 Witch. 179 00:10:16,901 --> 00:10:17,981 Adultery Pulsifer... 180 00:10:19,221 --> 00:10:20,181 good people, 181 00:10:20,261 --> 00:10:21,901 thou art tardy. 182 00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:24,101 I should have been aflame 10 minutes since. 183 00:10:25,221 --> 00:10:26,381 Right. 184 00:10:27,541 --> 00:10:29,221 Mistress Nutter? 185 00:10:29,301 --> 00:10:30,741 -[woman] Hey! -[Pulsifer] Hey! 186 00:10:30,781 --> 00:10:33,101 -[scoffs] -[woman] Oi! 187 00:10:33,181 --> 00:10:34,741 [crowd chattering] 188 00:10:40,901 --> 00:10:42,781 [people chattering] 189 00:10:54,181 --> 00:10:57,661 This is most irregular, Mistress Nutter. 190 00:11:01,821 --> 00:11:04,941 Gather thee right close, good people. 191 00:11:05,021 --> 00:11:09,261 Come close until the fire near scorch ye, 192 00:11:09,341 --> 00:11:11,541 for I charge ye that all must see 193 00:11:11,621 --> 00:11:14,541 how the last true witch in England dies. 194 00:11:14,621 --> 00:11:17,781 And let my death be a message to the world. 195 00:11:18,501 --> 00:11:19,541 Come. 196 00:11:19,621 --> 00:11:22,301 Come. Gather thee close, I say. 197 00:11:22,381 --> 00:11:26,221 And mark well the fate of those who meddle 198 00:11:26,301 --> 00:11:28,661 with such as they do not understand. 199 00:11:35,981 --> 00:11:37,861 Oh, bugger. 200 00:11:37,941 --> 00:11:39,781 [explosion] 201 00:11:47,381 --> 00:11:48,981 [God] Among the folk from the next village, 202 00:11:49,061 --> 00:11:51,141 there was much subsequent debate 203 00:11:51,221 --> 00:11:56,221 as to whether this disaster had been sent by God or by Satan. 204 00:11:56,301 --> 00:11:59,221 However, a note found in Agnes' cottage 205 00:11:59,301 --> 00:12:02,621 suggested that any divine or devilish intervention 206 00:12:02,701 --> 00:12:06,421 had been materially helped by Agnes' petticoats, 207 00:12:06,501 --> 00:12:09,661 in which she had concealed 50 pounds of gunpowder 208 00:12:09,741 --> 00:12:12,541 and 30 pounds of roofing nails. 209 00:12:12,621 --> 00:12:15,021 Oh, bugger. 210 00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:18,781 Agnes also left behind a box and a book. 211 00:12:18,861 --> 00:12:21,181 They were to be given to her daughter and her son-in-law, 212 00:12:21,261 --> 00:12:24,181 John and Virtue Device. 213 00:12:25,461 --> 00:12:27,021 "Dear Mistress Nutter, 214 00:12:27,101 --> 00:12:28,581 we take great pleasure in enclosing 215 00:12:28,661 --> 00:12:30,741 your author's copy of your book. 216 00:12:30,821 --> 00:12:32,701 We trust it will sell in huge numbers, 217 00:12:32,781 --> 00:12:35,741 yea, and be reprinted even unto a second printing. 218 00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:39,341 Yours, Bilton and Scaggs, publishers." 219 00:12:39,421 --> 00:12:43,061 The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter. 220 00:12:43,141 --> 00:12:47,461 "Reminiscent of Nostradamus at his best." 221 00:12:47,541 --> 00:12:50,061 Ursula Shipton. 222 00:12:50,141 --> 00:12:51,541 What does this mean, John? 223 00:12:51,621 --> 00:12:54,261 It means, Virtue, that even though Agnes is dead, 224 00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:56,141 we must study her book. 225 00:12:56,221 --> 00:12:58,981 For your mother knew the future. 226 00:13:05,621 --> 00:13:08,621 "Prophecy 2,214. 227 00:13:09,661 --> 00:13:12,581 In December 1980, 228 00:13:12,661 --> 00:13:15,821 an Apple will arise no man can eat. 229 00:13:15,901 --> 00:13:19,701 Invest thy money in Master Jobbes's machine, 230 00:13:19,781 --> 00:13:22,301 and good fortune will tend thy days." 231 00:13:22,381 --> 00:13:25,581 Oh, I mean, this is balderdash. 232 00:13:25,661 --> 00:13:27,181 [laughs] 233 00:13:30,581 --> 00:13:32,821 [God] The book Agnes left behind her 234 00:13:32,901 --> 00:13:36,021 was the sole prophetic work in all of human history 235 00:13:36,101 --> 00:13:39,901 to consist entirely of completely correct predictions 236 00:13:39,981 --> 00:13:43,741 concerning the following 350-odd years. 237 00:13:43,821 --> 00:13:46,461 Being a precise and accurate description 238 00:13:46,541 --> 00:13:50,501 of the events that would culminate in Armageddon. 239 00:13:50,581 --> 00:13:54,701 It was on the money in every single detail. 240 00:13:54,781 --> 00:13:58,261 On the night the Antichrist was born, in a house in Malibu, 241 00:13:58,341 --> 00:14:01,901 Agnes Nutter's great-great-great-great-great granddaughter 242 00:14:01,981 --> 00:14:04,181 was drawing on the title page. 243 00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:08,141 And, metaphorically, the book had just begun to tick. 244 00:14:11,501 --> 00:14:15,021 Okay, Anathema. Prophecy 2,214. 245 00:14:15,101 --> 00:14:17,701 "In December 1980, 246 00:14:17,781 --> 00:14:20,941 an Apple will arise that no man can eat." 247 00:14:21,021 --> 00:14:24,541 That one's stupid, Mom. It doesn't mean anything. 248 00:14:24,621 --> 00:14:29,141 My mom bought 5,000 shares in Apple in 1980. 249 00:14:29,221 --> 00:14:31,661 That's worth $40 million today. 250 00:14:31,741 --> 00:14:36,701 Okay, 2,213. 251 00:14:36,781 --> 00:14:40,621 "Four shall ride, and three shall ride the sky as two, 252 00:14:40,701 --> 00:14:42,901 and one shall ride in flames, 253 00:14:42,981 --> 00:14:45,501 and there shall be no stopping them. 254 00:14:45,581 --> 00:14:50,061 Not fish, nor rain, neither devil or angel. 255 00:14:50,141 --> 00:14:52,861 And ye shall be there also, Anathema." 256 00:14:52,941 --> 00:14:54,581 You see? 257 00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:57,181 She's got special plans for you, mi amor. 258 00:14:57,261 --> 00:15:00,141 Agnes gave us the easy job. 259 00:15:00,221 --> 00:15:03,461 We just had to make sure everything was good for the family. 260 00:15:03,541 --> 00:15:07,021 You're the one that's going to have to save the world. 261 00:15:12,141 --> 00:15:13,701 [God] Meanwhile, in Dorking, Surrey, 262 00:15:13,781 --> 00:15:15,581 Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery Pulsifer's 263 00:15:15,661 --> 00:15:17,821 great-great-great-great-great grandson 264 00:15:17,901 --> 00:15:19,941 should have been in bed hours ago. 265 00:15:20,021 --> 00:15:21,261 [thud] 266 00:15:21,341 --> 00:15:22,461 Newton? 267 00:15:22,541 --> 00:15:24,381 It's after your bedtime, dear. 268 00:15:24,461 --> 00:15:25,821 Just a few more minutes, Mum. 269 00:15:25,901 --> 00:15:27,461 I'm putting the old computer back together. 270 00:15:27,541 --> 00:15:30,181 You young scientists and your experiments. 271 00:15:30,261 --> 00:15:32,021 It's not really an experiment, Mum. 272 00:15:32,101 --> 00:15:33,541 I just changed the plug. 273 00:15:33,621 --> 00:15:35,181 It'll work now. 274 00:15:35,261 --> 00:15:36,541 [electricity zaps and crackles] 275 00:15:37,981 --> 00:15:39,781 [people chattering angrily] 276 00:15:39,861 --> 00:15:42,341 I do hope the man from the electric isn't going to be upset again. 277 00:15:42,421 --> 00:15:45,061 -It's not fair. -Oh, don't worry, love. 278 00:15:45,141 --> 00:15:48,061 It's not as if it's the end of the world. 279 00:15:48,141 --> 00:15:51,181 I just wanted to say, well, good luck on the new job. 280 00:15:51,261 --> 00:15:53,141 I hope it works out this time. 281 00:15:53,221 --> 00:15:55,941 -I'm sure it'll be fine, Mum. -You've just been unlucky. 282 00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:58,141 I made you sandwiches. 283 00:15:58,221 --> 00:16:00,181 [phone ringing] 284 00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:06,261 [woman] And you are? 285 00:16:07,501 --> 00:16:09,781 Newton Pulsifer. Wages clerk. 286 00:16:09,861 --> 00:16:11,021 I'm new. 287 00:16:13,781 --> 00:16:15,821 Excuse me, I was just wondering, 288 00:16:15,901 --> 00:16:18,981 is there a way that I could do this without putting it in the computer? 289 00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:22,461 Is there a way of accessing the wages database... 290 00:16:22,541 --> 00:16:24,061 without using a computer? 291 00:16:24,141 --> 00:16:26,581 Or maybe someone could print it out for me, 292 00:16:26,661 --> 00:16:29,061 and then I could do the sums on paper. 293 00:16:29,141 --> 00:16:30,821 [spoon clanging on cup] 294 00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:37,901 Okay, who's excited by the training initiative? 295 00:16:37,981 --> 00:16:40,621 Let's see some hands. Yeah? 296 00:16:40,701 --> 00:16:42,181 Just so that you know, Norman, 297 00:16:42,261 --> 00:16:44,061 I've registered a complaint with HR 298 00:16:44,141 --> 00:16:46,741 about this whole training initiative nonsense. 299 00:16:46,821 --> 00:16:49,101 It's a team-building exercise, Janice. 300 00:16:49,181 --> 00:16:51,901 And, um, just so as you know, 301 00:16:51,981 --> 00:16:53,781 there's no "I" in "team", yeah? 302 00:16:53,861 --> 00:16:56,581 But there's two "I's" in "building", Nigel. 303 00:16:56,661 --> 00:16:58,021 And an "I" in "exercise". 304 00:16:58,101 --> 00:16:59,621 [Nigel] Yeah. Alright. 305 00:16:59,701 --> 00:17:02,501 So, can I have everybody's attention, please? 306 00:17:02,581 --> 00:17:05,821 Sorry, I've just got to hit return and I'll be with you. 307 00:17:05,901 --> 00:17:08,181 [computers powering down] 308 00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,101 -[man] Oh! -[Newton] Uh-oh. 309 00:17:10,181 --> 00:17:14,061 Sorry, just not very good with computers. 310 00:17:19,021 --> 00:17:20,581 Need a hand, Dick? 311 00:17:20,661 --> 00:17:24,661 My name's not actually Dick. It's the car's name. 312 00:17:24,741 --> 00:17:26,661 You can ask me why, if you like. 313 00:17:37,581 --> 00:17:38,901 Hello. 314 00:17:40,821 --> 00:17:42,501 "Athaneema Device"? 315 00:17:42,581 --> 00:17:45,221 Anathema Device. It's an old family name. 316 00:17:45,301 --> 00:17:47,581 Purpose of your visit to the United Kingdom? 317 00:17:47,701 --> 00:17:50,341 Well, I'm commanded by an ancient family prophecy. 318 00:17:50,421 --> 00:17:53,181 I'm going to use all the wisdom and witchcraft at my disposal 319 00:17:53,261 --> 00:17:55,021 to hunt down the heart of darkness, 320 00:17:55,101 --> 00:17:56,581 and then do all that I can to destroy it 321 00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,341 before it brings about the end of the world. 322 00:17:58,421 --> 00:17:59,701 I'm sorry? 323 00:18:00,661 --> 00:18:02,181 Vacation. 324 00:18:03,181 --> 00:18:04,341 [Newton] Hello, Mum. 325 00:18:04,421 --> 00:18:06,261 The new job? 326 00:18:06,341 --> 00:18:08,461 Yeah, it's going really well. 327 00:18:08,541 --> 00:18:10,461 They're great. 328 00:18:10,541 --> 00:18:13,101 -They love me. -[man] Walk past them with your noses in the air. 329 00:18:13,181 --> 00:18:14,581 Bye, Mum. 330 00:18:14,701 --> 00:18:17,101 There's only one thing we have to fear, you sissies, 331 00:18:17,181 --> 00:18:21,101 and it's not global warming, and it's not nuclear Armageddon. 332 00:18:21,181 --> 00:18:24,261 Can anyone here tell me what it is? 333 00:18:24,341 --> 00:18:25,901 Ha! You don't answer. 334 00:18:25,981 --> 00:18:28,101 You don't answer, because you know it's true. 335 00:18:28,221 --> 00:18:30,061 They are hidden in our midst. 336 00:18:30,101 --> 00:18:33,701 I'm the thin red line that stands between humanity and the darkness. 337 00:18:33,781 --> 00:18:36,341 -Yea, I'm talking about-- -Witches? 338 00:18:37,461 --> 00:18:39,341 Aye, witches. 339 00:18:39,461 --> 00:18:42,101 They lurk behind a facade of righteousness. 340 00:18:42,221 --> 00:18:44,341 And there's naebody can stop them... 341 00:18:44,421 --> 00:18:46,061 but me. 342 00:18:47,701 --> 00:18:50,461 In the old days, Witchfinders were respected. 343 00:18:50,541 --> 00:18:52,341 Matthew Hopkins, Witchfinder General... 344 00:18:52,461 --> 00:18:53,981 [laughs] 345 00:18:54,061 --> 00:18:57,101 ...he used to charge each town and village ninepence 346 00:18:57,181 --> 00:18:58,101 for every witch he found. 347 00:18:58,181 --> 00:18:59,821 And they paid. 348 00:18:59,941 --> 00:19:02,901 Are you, um, Witchfinder General? 349 00:19:02,981 --> 00:19:04,501 Oh, I am not. 350 00:19:04,581 --> 00:19:06,941 There is no longer a Witchfinder General. 351 00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:08,981 Nor is there a Witchfinder Colonel, 352 00:19:09,061 --> 00:19:11,581 a Witchfinder Major, not even a Witchfinder Captain. 353 00:19:11,661 --> 00:19:15,341 There is, however, a Witchfinder Sergeant. 354 00:19:15,461 --> 00:19:16,941 And you're looking at him. 355 00:19:17,021 --> 00:19:19,821 Well, pleased to meet you, Mr Shadwell. 356 00:19:19,901 --> 00:19:23,341 Um, cup of tea. Nine sugars. 357 00:19:23,421 --> 00:19:25,541 And a packet of cheese and onion crisps. 358 00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:26,941 [food truck proprietor] Coming right up. 359 00:19:27,021 --> 00:19:29,781 Get your wallet out, laddie. 360 00:19:29,821 --> 00:19:32,181 Bit of advice: you never want to appear tight-fisted 361 00:19:32,261 --> 00:19:35,581 on first acquaintance. 362 00:19:35,661 --> 00:19:38,341 -[man] Thank you. -And it's not "Mr Shadwell". 363 00:19:38,421 --> 00:19:41,741 It's "Sergeant". Witchfinder Sergeant Shadwell. 364 00:19:41,821 --> 00:19:43,701 What's your name, lad? 365 00:19:43,781 --> 00:19:45,821 Newton. Newton Pulsifer. 366 00:19:46,581 --> 00:19:48,101 Pulsifer? 367 00:19:48,181 --> 00:19:50,741 That's a familiar name, now you mention it. 368 00:19:51,821 --> 00:19:53,821 You have your own teeth? 369 00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:55,501 Yes. 370 00:19:57,181 --> 00:19:59,301 -How many nipples have you got? -What? 371 00:19:59,341 --> 00:20:01,061 Nipples, laddie. How many? 372 00:20:01,101 --> 00:20:02,941 Um, just the usual two. 373 00:20:03,021 --> 00:20:04,541 Okay... 374 00:20:05,821 --> 00:20:08,341 Be here at 11:00 tomorrow. 375 00:20:08,461 --> 00:20:09,781 Bring scissors. 376 00:20:40,341 --> 00:20:43,181 Just put it there. Thanks so much. 377 00:20:44,301 --> 00:20:46,661 What a gorgeous village, huh? 378 00:20:46,741 --> 00:20:47,901 Thank you. 379 00:20:48,701 --> 00:20:49,741 Hmm... 380 00:21:11,101 --> 00:21:12,581 Right. 381 00:21:13,421 --> 00:21:14,541 To work. 382 00:21:17,341 --> 00:21:18,821 Easy job. 383 00:21:18,901 --> 00:21:21,181 Deliver the Antichrist. Keep an eye on him. 384 00:21:22,541 --> 00:21:25,341 Nice, straightforward job, eh? 385 00:21:25,421 --> 00:21:27,821 Not the kind of thing any demon is going to screw up, right? 386 00:21:27,901 --> 00:21:32,501 [God] The only things in the flat Crowley devotes any personal attention to 387 00:21:32,581 --> 00:21:34,341 are the houseplants. 388 00:21:34,461 --> 00:21:37,581 He had heard about talking to plants in the early '70s, 389 00:21:37,661 --> 00:21:40,261 and thought it an excellent idea. 390 00:21:40,341 --> 00:21:44,941 Although "talking" is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley does. 391 00:21:45,021 --> 00:21:46,261 [Crowley] Is that a spot? 392 00:21:48,341 --> 00:21:49,981 Is it? 393 00:21:51,981 --> 00:21:55,861 Right, you know what I've told you all about leaf spots. 394 00:21:55,941 --> 00:21:58,901 I will not stand for them! 395 00:22:06,061 --> 00:22:08,101 You know what you've done. 396 00:22:08,181 --> 00:22:10,061 You've disappointed me. 397 00:22:12,421 --> 00:22:14,181 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. 398 00:22:14,261 --> 00:22:16,141 Everyone! 399 00:22:16,221 --> 00:22:18,141 Say goodbye to your friend. 400 00:22:18,221 --> 00:22:21,821 He just couldn't cut it. 401 00:22:21,901 --> 00:22:26,541 Now, this is going to hurt you so much more than it will hurt me. 402 00:22:26,621 --> 00:22:30,821 And you guys, grow better! 403 00:22:30,901 --> 00:22:34,101 [God] What he does is put the fear of God into them. 404 00:22:34,181 --> 00:22:36,701 More precisely, the fear of Crowley. 405 00:22:36,781 --> 00:22:38,461 The plants are the most luxurious, 406 00:22:38,541 --> 00:22:41,221 verdant and beautiful in London. 407 00:22:41,301 --> 00:22:43,781 Also, the most terrified. 408 00:22:43,861 --> 00:22:46,541 [garbage disposal whirring] 409 00:23:04,981 --> 00:23:07,341 The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter? 410 00:23:07,421 --> 00:23:09,261 I'm so sorry, I can't help you. 411 00:23:09,341 --> 00:23:11,981 [scoffs] Well, of course I know who she was. 412 00:23:12,061 --> 00:23:15,181 Born 1600, exploded 1656. 413 00:23:15,261 --> 00:23:19,181 But there are no copies of her book available. 414 00:23:19,261 --> 00:23:22,421 No, I can't name my price. I don't have it. 415 00:23:22,501 --> 00:23:24,181 Nobody has-- 416 00:23:26,501 --> 00:23:29,101 Well, there really is no need for that kind of language. 417 00:23:30,261 --> 00:23:31,461 [hangs up phone] 418 00:23:35,581 --> 00:23:37,341 [bell rings] 419 00:23:39,021 --> 00:23:41,181 [bell continues ringing] 420 00:23:46,581 --> 00:23:48,261 Um, hello. 421 00:23:48,341 --> 00:23:51,021 I'm here about the advert in the paper. 422 00:23:51,101 --> 00:23:54,341 Well, Madame Tracy draws aside the veil 423 00:23:54,421 --> 00:23:56,621 every afternoon except Thursdays. 424 00:23:56,701 --> 00:23:59,181 I think there must be another advert. 425 00:24:00,101 --> 00:24:01,701 Oh, right. 426 00:24:01,781 --> 00:24:04,581 Come in, dear. You're lucky. 427 00:24:04,661 --> 00:24:08,021 One of my regulars had to cancel. 428 00:24:08,101 --> 00:24:11,741 Now, I don't do anything kinky except by prior arrangement. 429 00:24:11,821 --> 00:24:16,061 And my knees aren't what they were. 430 00:24:16,141 --> 00:24:19,061 Also, if it's strict discipline you'll be wanting, 431 00:24:19,141 --> 00:24:21,501 you'd better tell me now because it can take me half an hour 432 00:24:21,581 --> 00:24:24,061 to squeeze into the leather pinny. 433 00:24:24,141 --> 00:24:26,901 I'm sorry? 434 00:24:26,981 --> 00:24:30,421 Are you not here for intimate personal relaxation 435 00:24:30,501 --> 00:24:33,341 and stress relief for the discerning gentleman? 436 00:24:34,581 --> 00:24:36,021 No. 437 00:24:36,101 --> 00:24:38,021 I'm here to join the Witchfinder Army. 438 00:24:38,101 --> 00:24:39,621 Oh! 439 00:24:39,701 --> 00:24:42,261 Mr Shadwell said he was expecting a visitor. 440 00:24:46,341 --> 00:24:49,221 It's just been him for so long. 441 00:24:51,501 --> 00:24:52,781 Aye. 442 00:24:52,861 --> 00:24:56,221 It's your new recruit, Mr Shadwell, look. 443 00:24:56,301 --> 00:24:57,221 Away with you, harlot. 444 00:24:57,301 --> 00:24:59,821 Scarlet woman. Jezebel. 445 00:24:59,901 --> 00:25:02,781 Oh, Mr Shadwell. 446 00:25:02,861 --> 00:25:05,101 I'll bring you both tea. 447 00:25:05,181 --> 00:25:06,581 Milk and sugar, dear? 448 00:25:06,661 --> 00:25:08,661 [Shadwell] He's in the army now, Jezebel. 449 00:25:08,741 --> 00:25:10,701 -He'll make his own tea. -[door closes] 450 00:25:17,421 --> 00:25:19,861 Welcome to the Witchfinder Army, new recruit. 451 00:25:19,941 --> 00:25:23,301 You are, as of now, Witchfinder Private Pulsifer. 452 00:25:24,421 --> 00:25:26,181 We used to be powerful. 453 00:25:26,261 --> 00:25:27,541 We used to be important. 454 00:25:27,621 --> 00:25:29,981 -Oh. -Condensed milk, lad. 455 00:25:30,061 --> 00:25:32,621 -And I take-- -Nine sugars. 456 00:25:32,701 --> 00:25:34,501 Exactly. 457 00:25:34,581 --> 00:25:36,581 We were the line of fire 458 00:25:36,661 --> 00:25:39,021 between the darkness and the poor unsuspecting folk 459 00:25:39,101 --> 00:25:40,541 who don't believe in witches. 460 00:25:40,621 --> 00:25:43,581 -Hmm! -But, Sergeant Shadwell, 461 00:25:43,661 --> 00:25:46,061 don't the churches do that these days? 462 00:25:46,141 --> 00:25:47,821 Nay, laddie. 463 00:25:47,901 --> 00:25:49,741 Against the darkness? 464 00:25:49,821 --> 00:25:51,301 It's a war. 465 00:25:51,381 --> 00:25:53,261 And you know what our first weapon is? 466 00:25:55,981 --> 00:26:00,701 Oh! The Thundergun of Witchfinder Colonel "Get 'em before they get you" Dalrymple? 467 00:26:00,781 --> 00:26:02,021 Nay, laddie. 468 00:26:02,101 --> 00:26:04,341 That'll never be used again. 469 00:26:04,421 --> 00:26:06,221 Not in this degenerate age. 470 00:26:07,341 --> 00:26:08,981 Very good. 471 00:26:09,061 --> 00:26:10,701 And you know what we do with them? 472 00:26:14,741 --> 00:26:16,181 No, lad. 473 00:26:19,461 --> 00:26:20,941 We read. 474 00:26:21,701 --> 00:26:23,661 And we cut. 475 00:26:23,741 --> 00:26:25,541 [phone ringing] 476 00:26:27,621 --> 00:26:29,661 [Crowley, over machine] Hey, this is Anthony Crowley. 477 00:26:29,741 --> 00:26:31,621 You know what to do. Do it with style. 478 00:26:31,701 --> 00:26:32,901 [answering machine beeps] 479 00:26:32,981 --> 00:26:34,741 [Aziraphale] No leads yet my end. 480 00:26:34,821 --> 00:26:36,541 Anything at your end? 481 00:26:36,621 --> 00:26:39,061 Listen, I have sort of an idea. 482 00:26:39,141 --> 00:26:41,061 What? 483 00:26:41,141 --> 00:26:43,101 [Aziraphale] Ah, hello. When you did the baby swap 11 years ago, 484 00:26:43,181 --> 00:26:44,901 could something have gone wrong? 485 00:26:44,981 --> 00:26:46,221 What? 486 00:26:48,101 --> 00:26:50,221 -[tyres squealing] -[car horn honks] 487 00:26:53,381 --> 00:26:55,621 -You've lost the boy. -"We've" lost him. 488 00:26:55,701 --> 00:26:57,541 A child has been lost. 489 00:26:57,621 --> 00:26:59,621 -But you still know his age-- -"We" know. 490 00:26:59,701 --> 00:27:01,341 His birthday. He's 11. 491 00:27:01,421 --> 00:27:04,181 -You make it sound easy. -Well, it can't be that hard. 492 00:27:04,261 --> 00:27:06,221 I just hope nothing's happened to him. 493 00:27:06,301 --> 00:27:07,701 Happened? Nothing's happened to him. 494 00:27:07,781 --> 00:27:09,261 He happens to everything. 495 00:27:09,341 --> 00:27:13,341 So, we only have to find his birth records. 496 00:27:13,421 --> 00:27:16,181 Go through the hospital files. 497 00:27:16,261 --> 00:27:18,981 -And then what? -And then we find the child. 498 00:27:19,061 --> 00:27:20,901 And then what? 499 00:27:20,981 --> 00:27:22,541 -Watch out for that pedestrian. -[car horn honks] 500 00:27:22,621 --> 00:27:24,901 She's on the street. She knows the risk she's taking. 501 00:27:24,981 --> 00:27:28,181 Just watch the-- Watch the road. 502 00:27:28,261 --> 00:27:30,941 Wh-Where is this hospital, anyway? 503 00:27:31,021 --> 00:27:33,261 A village near Oxford, Tadfield. 504 00:27:33,341 --> 00:27:35,981 Crowley, you can't do 90 miles per hour in Central London. 505 00:27:36,061 --> 00:27:38,141 -Why not? -You'll get us killed. 506 00:27:38,221 --> 00:27:41,101 Well, inconveniently discorporated. 507 00:27:41,181 --> 00:27:46,261 Music. Why don't I put on a little... music? 508 00:27:47,381 --> 00:27:48,941 What's a Velvet Underground? 509 00:27:49,021 --> 00:27:50,421 You wouldn't like it. 510 00:27:50,501 --> 00:27:52,421 Oh. Bebop. 511 00:27:52,501 --> 00:27:54,381 -[car horn honking] -Yah! 512 00:27:57,061 --> 00:27:59,781 [doorbell jingles] 513 00:27:59,861 --> 00:28:03,341 I still can't believe your dad let you keep him, Adam. 514 00:28:03,421 --> 00:28:05,341 Actually, when I found a cat 515 00:28:05,421 --> 00:28:08,621 we had to put up a notice saying we found a lost cat, 516 00:28:08,701 --> 00:28:10,501 and then we had to give her back. 517 00:28:10,581 --> 00:28:13,061 It's my birthday. And he wasn't wearing a collar. 518 00:28:13,141 --> 00:28:15,101 And we asked, and nobody's reported a missing dog. 519 00:28:15,181 --> 00:28:18,381 Our dog doesn't like me. It pretends I'm not there. 520 00:28:18,461 --> 00:28:22,061 Did you know that my cousin Charlotte says that in America, 521 00:28:22,141 --> 00:28:26,661 they have shops that sell 39 different flavours of ice cream. 522 00:28:26,741 --> 00:28:28,821 [God] Wensleydale's first name is Jeremy, 523 00:28:28,901 --> 00:28:30,941 but nobody's ever used it, 524 00:28:31,021 --> 00:28:34,461 not even his parents, who call him "Youngster". 525 00:28:34,541 --> 00:28:36,301 All that stands between Wensleydale 526 00:28:36,381 --> 00:28:39,461 and chartered accountancy is time. 527 00:28:39,541 --> 00:28:42,901 There aren't 39 different flavours of ice cream. 528 00:28:42,981 --> 00:28:48,621 There aren't 39 flavours of ice cream in the whole world. 529 00:28:48,701 --> 00:28:52,501 [God] Pepper's given first names were Pippin Galadriel Moonchild. 530 00:28:52,581 --> 00:28:55,301 She had been given them in a naming ceremony 531 00:28:55,381 --> 00:28:58,101 in a muddy valley field that contained several sheep 532 00:28:58,181 --> 00:29:00,901 and a number of leaky polythene tents. 533 00:29:00,981 --> 00:29:03,741 Six months later, sick of the rain, the men, 534 00:29:03,821 --> 00:29:07,701 the sheep who ate first their marijuana crop and then their tents, 535 00:29:07,781 --> 00:29:09,621 Pepper's mother returned to Tadfield 536 00:29:09,701 --> 00:29:12,421 and enrolled in a Sociology course. 537 00:29:14,021 --> 00:29:16,061 There could be, if you mixed them up. 538 00:29:16,141 --> 00:29:18,901 You know, strawberry and chocolate. 539 00:29:18,981 --> 00:29:21,101 [God] Every gang needs a Brian. 540 00:29:21,181 --> 00:29:25,701 Always grimy, always supportive of anything Adam invents or needs. 541 00:29:25,781 --> 00:29:27,021 [Brian] Vanilla and chocolate. 542 00:29:27,101 --> 00:29:28,741 Chocolate and vanilla. 543 00:29:28,821 --> 00:29:32,061 Strawberry and vanilla and chocolate. 544 00:29:32,141 --> 00:29:34,421 Anyway, nobody's going to take Dog away from me. 545 00:29:34,501 --> 00:29:37,061 We're together to the end. Aren't we, boy? 546 00:29:40,581 --> 00:29:42,901 [Anathema] Eye of newt and tongue of dog, 547 00:29:42,981 --> 00:29:45,861 north by northwest. 548 00:29:45,941 --> 00:29:47,261 There. 549 00:29:49,021 --> 00:29:50,301 And it's southwest. 550 00:29:56,701 --> 00:29:59,101 You must be here somewhere. 551 00:29:59,181 --> 00:30:01,901 [Pepper] There's a witch moved in to Jasmine Cottage. 552 00:30:01,981 --> 00:30:04,421 -[Brian] That's stupid. -[Pepper] It's not stupid, stupid. 553 00:30:04,501 --> 00:30:08,061 Mrs Henderson told my mother that the lady there gets a witches' newspaper. 554 00:30:08,141 --> 00:30:11,901 Excuse me. My father says there's no such thing as witches. 555 00:30:11,981 --> 00:30:14,381 It makes sense that witches would have their own newspaper. 556 00:30:14,461 --> 00:30:15,941 My dad gets the Angler's Times, 557 00:30:16,021 --> 00:30:17,581 and I bet there's loads more witches than anglers. 558 00:30:17,661 --> 00:30:20,661 Shut up. I'm trying to tell you things. 559 00:30:20,741 --> 00:30:23,621 It's called the Psychic News. 560 00:30:23,701 --> 00:30:25,381 She's a witch. 561 00:30:25,461 --> 00:30:28,821 Actually, there are no more witches, because we invented science 562 00:30:28,901 --> 00:30:31,581 and all the vicars set fire to the witches for their own good. 563 00:30:31,661 --> 00:30:33,701 It was called the Spanish Inquisition. 564 00:30:33,781 --> 00:30:36,021 I don't reckon it's allowed, going round setting fire to people. 565 00:30:36,101 --> 00:30:38,421 Otherwise people'd be doing it all the time. 566 00:30:38,501 --> 00:30:41,381 It's alright if you're a vicar and it stops the witches from going to hell. 567 00:30:41,461 --> 00:30:43,981 So I expect they'd be quite grateful if they understood it properly. 568 00:30:44,061 --> 00:30:46,501 We could be the new Spanish Inquisition. 569 00:30:46,581 --> 00:30:49,261 Actually, we can't be the Spanish Inquisition, 570 00:30:49,341 --> 00:30:51,261 because we're not actually Spanish. 571 00:30:51,341 --> 00:30:54,101 I've been to Barcelona. I can teach you Spanish. 572 00:30:54,181 --> 00:30:56,181 They say "olé" a lot. 573 00:30:56,261 --> 00:30:59,061 We should practice before we start burning witches. 574 00:30:59,141 --> 00:31:01,821 We should start small and work our way up. 575 00:31:01,901 --> 00:31:04,221 Leave it to me. 576 00:31:04,301 --> 00:31:09,021 [Aziraphale] This is the Tadfield area. Does it look familiar yet? 577 00:31:09,101 --> 00:31:12,501 You know, it does. I think there's an air base around here somewhere. 578 00:31:12,581 --> 00:31:14,781 Air base? 579 00:31:14,861 --> 00:31:17,301 Well, you don't think American diplomats' wives 580 00:31:17,381 --> 00:31:19,621 usually give birth in little religious hospitals 581 00:31:19,701 --> 00:31:21,981 in the middle of nowhere, do you? 582 00:31:22,061 --> 00:31:23,901 No, it all had to seem to happen naturally, 583 00:31:23,981 --> 00:31:26,181 so there's an air base at Lower Tadfield. 584 00:31:26,261 --> 00:31:29,701 Things started to happen, base hospital isn't ready. 585 00:31:29,781 --> 00:31:32,141 "Oh", our man there said. 586 00:31:32,221 --> 00:31:35,061 "There's a birthing hospital just down the road." 587 00:31:35,141 --> 00:31:37,021 And there we were. 588 00:31:37,101 --> 00:31:39,181 Rather good organisation. 589 00:31:39,261 --> 00:31:40,701 Flawless. 590 00:31:40,781 --> 00:31:42,421 It should have worked. 591 00:31:42,501 --> 00:31:48,221 Ah, but evil always contains the seeds of its own destruction. 592 00:31:48,301 --> 00:31:52,061 No matter how well-planned, how foolproof an evil plan, 593 00:31:52,141 --> 00:31:56,261 no matter how apparently successful it may seem upon the way, 594 00:31:56,341 --> 00:32:02,221 in the end it will founder on the rocks of iniquity and vanish. 595 00:32:04,181 --> 00:32:06,821 For my money it was just an ordinary cock-up. 596 00:32:16,341 --> 00:32:18,461 [Dog barking] 597 00:32:18,541 --> 00:32:20,821 -Hey, guys. -Hi. 598 00:32:20,901 --> 00:32:22,061 Nice hat. 599 00:32:22,141 --> 00:32:24,021 Actually, we made it out of cardboard. 600 00:32:24,101 --> 00:32:25,261 It's for our game. 601 00:32:25,341 --> 00:32:27,701 Stylish. What are you guys playing? 602 00:32:27,781 --> 00:32:31,021 -[Wensleydale] The British Inquisition. -Come on, Wensleydale. 603 00:32:31,101 --> 00:32:34,261 Sounds like fun. How does the game work? 604 00:32:34,341 --> 00:32:36,541 I am chief inquisitor. Brian is head torturer. 605 00:32:36,621 --> 00:32:38,021 And we're trying to find a witch. 606 00:32:38,101 --> 00:32:41,781 Oh. Sounds very sensible. 607 00:32:41,861 --> 00:32:44,101 -How do you do that? -[Adam] Watch. 608 00:32:44,181 --> 00:32:45,861 Art thou a witch? 609 00:32:45,941 --> 00:32:47,581 Olé? 610 00:32:48,861 --> 00:32:51,141 Yes? 611 00:32:51,221 --> 00:32:53,781 You can't say yes. You've got to say no. 612 00:32:53,861 --> 00:32:55,061 Then what? 613 00:32:55,141 --> 00:32:56,381 Then we torture you until you say yes. 614 00:32:56,461 --> 00:32:57,981 Wait, you're going to torture him? 615 00:32:58,061 --> 00:32:59,261 We built a torturing machine. 616 00:33:05,341 --> 00:33:07,101 It looks like a swing. 617 00:33:07,181 --> 00:33:10,581 But, obviously, in this situation, I actually am a witch. 618 00:33:10,661 --> 00:33:14,021 I have a big pointy hat, and we have a cat at home, and-- 619 00:33:14,101 --> 00:33:15,781 and I borrowed Mum's broom. 620 00:33:15,861 --> 00:33:17,901 [Pepper] Look, no one's saying you can't be a witch, 621 00:33:17,981 --> 00:33:19,981 but you just have to say you're not a witch. 622 00:33:20,061 --> 00:33:22,181 There's no point taking all this trouble 623 00:33:22,261 --> 00:33:25,261 if you're going to go round saying yes the minute we ask you. 624 00:33:25,341 --> 00:33:27,341 -Just say no. -[Wensleydale] But-- 625 00:33:27,421 --> 00:33:30,181 Art thou a witch, oh, evil crone? 626 00:33:30,261 --> 00:33:33,621 Excuse me, Adam, why must I do all the work? 627 00:33:33,701 --> 00:33:37,101 I'm being tortured here. Actually, this is very painful. 628 00:33:37,181 --> 00:33:39,501 I am thinking of admitting to being a witch. 629 00:33:39,581 --> 00:33:41,501 I'm going to go home if I can't have a go. 630 00:33:41,581 --> 00:33:43,741 Don't see why evil witches should have all the fun. 631 00:33:43,821 --> 00:33:46,301 [Wensleydale] You have to keep pushing. 632 00:33:46,381 --> 00:33:48,221 -Hey, kid. -[Adam] Yeah? 633 00:33:48,301 --> 00:33:50,061 -Can I ask you something? -Yeah. 634 00:33:50,141 --> 00:33:53,341 Are there any great beasts or strange things happening? 635 00:33:53,421 --> 00:33:55,861 Well, there's Dog. I mean, he's a beast. 636 00:33:55,941 --> 00:33:56,941 Come on, Dog, say hello. 637 00:33:57,021 --> 00:33:58,581 [Dog whines, barks] 638 00:33:58,661 --> 00:34:00,101 Not what I was looking for. 639 00:34:00,181 --> 00:34:02,301 [Adam] Hold on. I have to tell them what to do. 640 00:34:02,381 --> 00:34:05,861 All right, evil witch Wensleydale, don't do it again. 641 00:34:05,941 --> 00:34:08,981 And now you get off the torturing swing and let someone else have a turn. 642 00:34:09,061 --> 00:34:10,421 Right, well, you kids are hilarious, 643 00:34:10,501 --> 00:34:12,981 but I'm going to keep looking, so, bye. 644 00:34:25,861 --> 00:34:28,941 [Aziraphale] Um, are you sure this is the right place? 645 00:34:29,021 --> 00:34:31,381 This-- This doesn't look like a hospital. 646 00:34:31,461 --> 00:34:32,821 And... 647 00:34:33,821 --> 00:34:35,661 [chuckles] 648 00:34:36,941 --> 00:34:38,661 ...it feels loved. 649 00:34:40,421 --> 00:34:42,701 No, it's definitely the place. 650 00:34:42,821 --> 00:34:43,981 What do you mean "loved"? 651 00:34:44,061 --> 00:34:45,341 Well, I mean the opposite of when you say, 652 00:34:45,421 --> 00:34:48,181 "I don't like this place. It feels spooky". 653 00:34:48,301 --> 00:34:50,941 I don't ever say that. I like spooky. 654 00:34:51,021 --> 00:34:53,341 Big spooky fan, me. Let's go talk to some nuns. 655 00:34:54,981 --> 00:34:57,141 -[gunshot] -Ah! Oh! 656 00:34:59,541 --> 00:35:02,141 -[Crowley groans] -Blue? 657 00:35:02,181 --> 00:35:05,501 -Oh, it's paint. -[Tompkins] Hey! 658 00:35:05,581 --> 00:35:06,701 You've both been hit! 659 00:35:06,821 --> 00:35:08,541 [scoffs] 660 00:35:08,621 --> 00:35:10,901 I don't know what you think you're playing at right-- 661 00:35:10,981 --> 00:35:12,861 Aah! 662 00:35:15,061 --> 00:35:17,141 -Well, that was fun. -Well, yes, fun for you. 663 00:35:17,181 --> 00:35:19,581 Look at the state of this coat. 664 00:35:19,661 --> 00:35:23,461 I've kept this in tip-top condition for over 180 years now. 665 00:35:23,541 --> 00:35:25,581 I'll never get this stain out. 666 00:35:25,661 --> 00:35:28,581 -You could miracle it away. -Hmm... 667 00:35:28,661 --> 00:35:30,061 Yes, but... 668 00:35:30,141 --> 00:35:33,581 well, I would always know the stain was there. 669 00:35:35,061 --> 00:35:37,101 Underneath, I mean. 670 00:35:42,621 --> 00:35:46,141 Oh, thank you. 671 00:35:48,381 --> 00:35:49,421 Impressive hardware. 672 00:35:52,501 --> 00:35:54,181 I've looked at this gun. 673 00:35:54,221 --> 00:35:56,381 It's not a proper one at all. 674 00:35:56,461 --> 00:35:58,661 It just shoots paintballs. 675 00:35:58,701 --> 00:36:01,181 Don't your lot disapprove of guns? 676 00:36:01,221 --> 00:36:03,381 Unless they're in the right hands. 677 00:36:03,461 --> 00:36:06,621 Then they give weight to a moral argument. 678 00:36:06,661 --> 00:36:08,221 I think. 679 00:36:08,341 --> 00:36:11,181 A moral argument? Really? 680 00:36:11,221 --> 00:36:12,181 [gun thuds on ground] 681 00:36:12,301 --> 00:36:13,461 Come on. 682 00:36:15,381 --> 00:36:16,781 This is definitely the place. 683 00:36:16,861 --> 00:36:18,901 [God] Management training no longer meant 684 00:36:18,981 --> 00:36:21,821 watching half a dozen unreliable PowerPoint presentations. 685 00:36:21,901 --> 00:36:24,221 Firms these days expected more than that. 686 00:36:24,341 --> 00:36:27,141 They wanted to establish leadership potential, 687 00:36:27,181 --> 00:36:29,461 group cooperation and initiative, 688 00:36:29,541 --> 00:36:31,501 which allowed their employees to fire paintballs 689 00:36:31,581 --> 00:36:34,341 at any colleagues who irritated them. 690 00:36:34,421 --> 00:36:36,621 Wonder where the nuns went. 691 00:36:36,661 --> 00:36:39,301 The brochure for Tadfield Manor Crowley is inspecting 692 00:36:39,381 --> 00:36:42,341 fails to contain any sentences along the lines of, 693 00:36:42,421 --> 00:36:44,981 "Until 11 years ago, the manor was used as a hospital 694 00:36:45,061 --> 00:36:49,141 by an order of Satanic nuns who weren't actually very good at it". 695 00:36:52,821 --> 00:36:56,141 Oh, Millie from Accounts caught me on the elbow. 696 00:36:56,181 --> 00:36:58,541 -Who's winning? -You're all going to lose. 697 00:36:58,621 --> 00:37:01,301 [machine-gun fire] 698 00:37:01,381 --> 00:37:04,501 What-- What the hell did you just do? 699 00:37:04,581 --> 00:37:06,621 Well, they wanted real guns, 700 00:37:06,661 --> 00:37:08,421 so I gave them what they wanted. 701 00:37:10,181 --> 00:37:13,021 [gunfire] 702 00:37:13,101 --> 00:37:15,301 I always said you couldn't trust those people from Purchasing. 703 00:37:15,381 --> 00:37:16,701 The bastards. 704 00:37:23,581 --> 00:37:26,461 There are people out there shooting at each other. 705 00:37:26,541 --> 00:37:30,301 Well, it lends weight to their moral argument. 706 00:37:30,381 --> 00:37:31,301 [glass shatters] 707 00:37:31,381 --> 00:37:32,501 Everyone has free will, 708 00:37:32,581 --> 00:37:34,021 including the right to murder. 709 00:37:34,101 --> 00:37:36,341 Just think of it as a microcosm of the universe. 710 00:37:36,421 --> 00:37:37,581 [machine-gun fire] 711 00:37:37,661 --> 00:37:39,661 I wanted to be a graphics designer, 712 00:37:39,701 --> 00:37:41,701 design LPs for the Rolling Stones, 713 00:37:41,821 --> 00:37:43,621 but the careers teacher said he hadn't heard of them. 714 00:37:43,661 --> 00:37:49,301 -[gunfire] -So I spent 36 years double-checking form BF-18. 715 00:37:49,381 --> 00:37:52,501 They couldn't just say, "Oh, Norman, we're giving you early retirement. 716 00:37:52,581 --> 00:37:56,181 Have a watch, bugger off and tend your marigolds". 717 00:37:56,221 --> 00:37:58,181 Well, if they want war... 718 00:37:58,301 --> 00:38:00,101 we're going to give them war. 719 00:38:00,181 --> 00:38:03,661 Okay, guys, let's get the bastards. 720 00:38:11,701 --> 00:38:13,701 They're murdering each other. 721 00:38:13,821 --> 00:38:16,661 No, they aren't. No one's killing anyone. 722 00:38:16,781 --> 00:38:19,141 They're all having miraculous escapes. 723 00:38:19,181 --> 00:38:20,781 It wouldn't be any fun otherwise. 724 00:38:20,861 --> 00:38:23,661 [distant gunfire] 725 00:38:23,781 --> 00:38:25,181 You know, Crowley, 726 00:38:25,221 --> 00:38:28,461 I've always said that deep down, 727 00:38:28,541 --> 00:38:30,581 you really are quite a nice-- 728 00:38:30,661 --> 00:38:31,861 Shut it! 729 00:38:31,941 --> 00:38:33,301 I'm a demon. I'm not nice. 730 00:38:33,381 --> 00:38:35,461 I'm never nice. Nice is a four-letter word. 731 00:38:35,541 --> 00:38:37,461 -I will not have-- -[Mary] Excuse me, gentlemen. 732 00:38:37,541 --> 00:38:40,101 Sorry to break up an intimate moment. Can I help you? 733 00:38:44,341 --> 00:38:47,181 -You. -Saints and demons preserve us, it's Master Crowley. 734 00:38:47,301 --> 00:38:49,301 [snaps fingers] 735 00:38:49,381 --> 00:38:51,221 You didn't have to do that. 736 00:38:51,341 --> 00:38:52,901 You could have just asked her. 737 00:38:52,981 --> 00:38:54,701 Oh... 738 00:38:54,821 --> 00:38:56,981 of course, of course. No. Yeah. 739 00:38:57,061 --> 00:38:59,181 "Excuse me, ma'am, we're two supernatural entities 740 00:38:59,301 --> 00:39:01,701 just looking for the notorious Son of Satan. 741 00:39:01,821 --> 00:39:04,501 Wonder if you might help us with our enquiries?" 742 00:39:08,621 --> 00:39:11,901 Um, ahem, look... hello. 743 00:39:11,981 --> 00:39:17,421 You weren't by any chance, a nun here at this convent 11 years ago, were you? 744 00:39:17,501 --> 00:39:18,861 I was. 745 00:39:20,101 --> 00:39:21,421 Luck of the devil. 746 00:39:22,941 --> 00:39:25,381 What happened to the baby I gave you? 747 00:39:25,461 --> 00:39:29,021 I swapped him with the son of the American ambassador. 748 00:39:29,101 --> 00:39:30,381 Such a nice man. 749 00:39:30,461 --> 00:39:34,221 He used to be ambassador to Swindon. 750 00:39:34,341 --> 00:39:38,701 Then Sister Theresa Garrulous came and took the other baby away. 751 00:39:38,821 --> 00:39:41,421 This American ambassador, what was his name? 752 00:39:41,501 --> 00:39:44,421 Where did he come from and what did he do with the baby? 753 00:39:44,501 --> 00:39:45,901 I don't know. 754 00:39:45,981 --> 00:39:47,941 Records. There must have been records. 755 00:39:48,021 --> 00:39:50,221 Yes. There were lots of records. 756 00:39:50,341 --> 00:39:51,821 We were very good at keeping records. 757 00:39:51,901 --> 00:39:54,061 Well, where are they? 758 00:39:54,141 --> 00:39:55,501 Burned in the fire. 759 00:39:55,581 --> 00:39:57,181 [Hastur laughing] 760 00:39:58,181 --> 00:40:00,181 [groans] Hastur! 761 00:40:00,301 --> 00:40:04,181 Well, is there anything you remember about the baby? 762 00:40:05,861 --> 00:40:08,461 He had lovely little toesie-woesies. 763 00:40:10,341 --> 00:40:12,381 Let's go. 764 00:40:12,461 --> 00:40:15,101 You will wake, having had a lovely dream about whatever you like best. 765 00:40:15,181 --> 00:40:16,341 [Crowley] Oi. 766 00:40:17,981 --> 00:40:21,181 [sirens approaching] 767 00:40:21,301 --> 00:40:24,421 You'd think he'd show up, wouldn't you? 768 00:40:24,501 --> 00:40:26,661 You'd think we could detect him in some way. 769 00:40:26,701 --> 00:40:29,381 He won't show up. Not to us. Protective camouflage. 770 00:40:29,461 --> 00:40:31,181 [gunshot] 771 00:40:31,301 --> 00:40:32,941 He won't even know it, but his powers will keep him hidden 772 00:40:33,021 --> 00:40:35,181 from prying occult forces. 773 00:40:35,301 --> 00:40:37,381 Occult forces? 774 00:40:37,461 --> 00:40:38,501 You and me. 775 00:40:38,581 --> 00:40:39,661 [people arguing] 776 00:40:39,701 --> 00:40:41,981 -I'm not occult. -Oh... 777 00:40:42,061 --> 00:40:44,781 Angels aren't occult. We're ethereal. 778 00:40:50,021 --> 00:40:51,301 [♪ "These are the Days of our Lives" by Queen on radio ♪] 779 00:40:51,381 --> 00:40:52,781 Is there some other way of locating him? 780 00:40:52,861 --> 00:40:54,981 How the heaven should I know? 781 00:40:55,061 --> 00:40:56,861 Armageddon only happens once, you know. 782 00:40:56,941 --> 00:40:59,301 You don't get to go round again until you get it right. 783 00:40:59,381 --> 00:41:00,661 -[car horn honking] -[tyres skid] 784 00:41:00,701 --> 00:41:02,661 But I know one thing, if we don't find him, 785 00:41:02,701 --> 00:41:04,661 it won't be the war to end all wars. 786 00:41:04,701 --> 00:41:08,181 It'll be the war to end everything. 787 00:41:08,301 --> 00:41:09,781 [God] Most books on witchcraft 788 00:41:09,861 --> 00:41:12,421 will tell you that witches work naked. 789 00:41:12,501 --> 00:41:17,181 This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men. 790 00:41:17,221 --> 00:41:19,861 "Darksome night and shining moon..." 791 00:41:26,341 --> 00:41:27,661 Come on. 792 00:41:39,221 --> 00:41:43,341 [Aziraphale] There's a very peculiar feeling to this whole area. 793 00:41:43,421 --> 00:41:45,421 I'm astonished you can't feel it. 794 00:41:45,501 --> 00:41:47,461 I don't feel anything out of the ordinary. 795 00:41:47,541 --> 00:41:50,381 But it's everywhere. All over here. 796 00:42:00,101 --> 00:42:01,301 Love. 797 00:42:01,381 --> 00:42:02,341 Flashes of love. 798 00:42:02,421 --> 00:42:03,661 You're being ridiculous. 799 00:42:05,461 --> 00:42:06,861 Last thing we need right now is-- 800 00:42:06,941 --> 00:42:07,981 [Anathema screams] 801 00:42:11,861 --> 00:42:13,541 You hit someone. 802 00:42:13,621 --> 00:42:15,541 I didn't. 803 00:42:15,621 --> 00:42:16,621 Someone hit me. 804 00:42:25,341 --> 00:42:26,461 Let there be light. 805 00:42:33,141 --> 00:42:35,101 How the hell did you do that? 806 00:42:40,861 --> 00:42:43,381 I think I hit my head. 807 00:42:43,461 --> 00:42:46,461 [Aziraphale] That's it. No bones broken. 808 00:42:48,781 --> 00:42:49,821 [groans softly] 809 00:42:57,301 --> 00:42:58,541 [metal popping into place] 810 00:42:58,621 --> 00:42:59,941 My bike. 811 00:43:00,021 --> 00:43:01,141 Oh. 812 00:43:08,901 --> 00:43:11,541 Amazingly resilient, these old machines. 813 00:43:11,621 --> 00:43:12,901 Where do you need to get to? 814 00:43:12,981 --> 00:43:15,101 No, no, we're not giving her a lift. 815 00:43:15,181 --> 00:43:17,301 Out of the question. There's nowhere to put the bike. 816 00:43:17,381 --> 00:43:19,181 Except for the bike rack. 817 00:43:19,301 --> 00:43:20,941 [metal forming] 818 00:43:24,341 --> 00:43:25,821 Do get in, my dear. 819 00:43:29,061 --> 00:43:31,701 So, where are we taking you? 820 00:43:31,821 --> 00:43:33,861 Back to the village. I'll give you directions. 821 00:43:36,661 --> 00:43:37,701 ["Bicycle Race" by Queen plays] 822 00:43:37,821 --> 00:43:39,141 ♪ Bicycle ♪ 823 00:43:39,181 --> 00:43:40,661 ♪ Bicycle ♪ 824 00:43:40,781 --> 00:43:43,701 -♪ I want to ride my ♪ -♪ Bicycle ♪ 825 00:43:43,821 --> 00:43:46,461 ♪ Bicycle, bicycle ♪ 826 00:43:46,541 --> 00:43:49,301 Listen, my bike, it didn't have gears. 827 00:43:49,381 --> 00:43:52,181 I know my bike didn't have gears. 828 00:43:53,221 --> 00:43:54,301 Make a left. 829 00:43:56,221 --> 00:43:59,661 Oh, Lord, heal this bike. 830 00:43:59,741 --> 00:44:01,181 I got carried away. 831 00:44:01,261 --> 00:44:03,341 Oh, you can drop me off here. 832 00:44:18,581 --> 00:44:20,861 Oh, look, no gears. 833 00:44:20,941 --> 00:44:24,381 -Just a perfectly normal velocipede. -Bicycle. 834 00:44:25,341 --> 00:44:26,981 Can we get on? 835 00:44:27,061 --> 00:44:28,701 Get in, angel. 836 00:44:33,821 --> 00:44:36,821 -♪ I want to ride my ♪ - ♪ Bicycle ♪ 837 00:44:36,901 --> 00:44:40,021 ♪ Bicycle, bicycle... ♪ 838 00:44:41,301 --> 00:44:42,701 [video call ringing] 839 00:44:45,141 --> 00:44:47,701 [Anathema's mother] Hola, mi amor. How is it going? 840 00:44:47,781 --> 00:44:48,941 Lousy. 841 00:44:49,021 --> 00:44:51,061 Any progress in finding the--? 842 00:44:51,141 --> 00:44:54,221 The young beast and the lesser beast? 843 00:44:54,301 --> 00:44:55,941 It must be at the north end of the village. 844 00:44:56,021 --> 00:45:00,541 I'm certain of it. I just can't figure out where. 845 00:45:00,621 --> 00:45:02,861 Have you used your pendulum? 846 00:45:02,941 --> 00:45:04,501 Mom, I'm not a kid. 847 00:45:04,581 --> 00:45:06,301 If I get too close, the signal swamps me. 848 00:45:06,381 --> 00:45:08,101 Further away, I can't get an accurate fix. 849 00:45:08,181 --> 00:45:12,381 Mi amor, the answers are always in the book. 850 00:45:12,461 --> 00:45:15,261 It's just sometimes you don't see them till afterwards. 851 00:45:18,741 --> 00:45:20,821 The book. 852 00:45:20,901 --> 00:45:23,461 Holy shit, Mom. I'm going to have to call you back. 853 00:45:44,061 --> 00:45:45,621 Mm. 854 00:45:45,701 --> 00:45:51,421 You know, we might get another human to find him. 855 00:45:51,501 --> 00:45:53,941 -What? -Humans are good at finding other humans. 856 00:45:54,021 --> 00:45:55,821 They've been doing it for thousands of years. 857 00:45:55,901 --> 00:45:58,301 And the child is partly human. 858 00:45:58,381 --> 00:46:01,141 Other humans might be able to sense him. 859 00:46:01,221 --> 00:46:02,581 He's the Antichrist. 860 00:46:02,661 --> 00:46:05,021 He's got an automatic defence thingy. 861 00:46:06,181 --> 00:46:08,421 Suspicion slides off him like... 862 00:46:09,741 --> 00:46:11,821 whatever it is water slides off. 863 00:46:11,901 --> 00:46:14,701 Got any better ideas? 864 00:46:14,781 --> 00:46:17,461 Or one single, better idea? 865 00:46:22,941 --> 00:46:25,021 [Deirdre] I still don't know why you let him keep that dog. 866 00:46:25,101 --> 00:46:28,701 It was his birthday. And, oh, I don't know, 867 00:46:28,781 --> 00:46:32,941 the way that he was looking at the dog and the dog was looking at him. 868 00:46:33,021 --> 00:46:34,901 As if they were made for each other. 869 00:46:34,981 --> 00:46:39,061 Arthur, you are a softy sometimes. 870 00:46:39,141 --> 00:46:41,741 I resent that remark. 871 00:46:41,821 --> 00:46:43,901 -Where's the dog now? -Tied up outside. 872 00:46:43,981 --> 00:46:46,541 Adam asked if he could have him in his room, 873 00:46:46,621 --> 00:46:47,821 but I said absolutely not. 874 00:46:47,901 --> 00:46:50,461 "Absolutely not", I said. 875 00:47:07,821 --> 00:47:09,581 [door closes] 876 00:47:15,981 --> 00:47:17,261 Come on, Dog. 877 00:47:23,621 --> 00:47:25,101 [clears throat] 878 00:47:25,181 --> 00:47:26,461 What was that about? 879 00:47:26,541 --> 00:47:30,981 Oh, just checking on Adam. 880 00:47:31,061 --> 00:47:32,821 He's quite sweet, you know... 881 00:47:32,901 --> 00:47:35,181 when he's asleep. 882 00:47:35,261 --> 00:47:37,621 When he's asleep, yeah. 883 00:47:53,181 --> 00:47:56,341 [voices whispering indistinctly] 884 00:48:08,301 --> 00:48:10,581 Look, there's something I should tell you. 885 00:48:12,101 --> 00:48:15,781 I have a... "network" 886 00:48:15,861 --> 00:48:18,621 of highly trained human agents 887 00:48:18,701 --> 00:48:21,101 spread across the country. 888 00:48:21,181 --> 00:48:25,021 Now, I could set them searching for the boy. 889 00:48:25,101 --> 00:48:28,101 You do? I actually--I actually have something similar. 890 00:48:28,181 --> 00:48:30,741 Human operatives. 891 00:48:30,821 --> 00:48:34,901 Gosh, do you think they ought to work together? 892 00:48:34,981 --> 00:48:37,021 I don't think that's a very good idea. 893 00:48:37,101 --> 00:48:39,941 My lot are not very sophisticated, 894 00:48:40,021 --> 00:48:42,821 politically speaking. 895 00:48:42,901 --> 00:48:46,181 No, no, neither are mine. 896 00:48:46,261 --> 00:48:49,381 So we tell our respective operatives to look for the boy? 897 00:48:49,461 --> 00:48:52,461 Unless you have a better idea? 898 00:48:53,901 --> 00:48:56,541 -Ducks! -What about ducks? 899 00:48:56,621 --> 00:48:58,621 They're what water slides off. 900 00:48:58,701 --> 00:49:01,101 Just drive the car, please. 901 00:49:08,061 --> 00:49:10,021 [brakes squeal] 902 00:49:12,221 --> 00:49:15,021 [Aziraphale groans softly] 903 00:49:15,101 --> 00:49:19,421 You know, if you lined up everyone in the whole world 904 00:49:19,501 --> 00:49:21,581 and asked them to describe the Velvet Underground, 905 00:49:21,661 --> 00:49:24,861 nobody at all would say "bebop". 906 00:49:27,061 --> 00:49:28,661 Oh, there's a book back there. 907 00:49:28,741 --> 00:49:30,781 Well, it's not mine. I don't read books. 908 00:49:30,861 --> 00:49:33,421 It has to belong to the young lady you hit with your car. 909 00:49:33,501 --> 00:49:34,901 I'm in enough trouble as it is. 910 00:49:34,981 --> 00:49:37,381 I'm not going to start returning lost property. 911 00:49:37,461 --> 00:49:39,181 That's what your lot do. 912 00:49:39,261 --> 00:49:41,741 Why don't you just send it to the Tadfield post office, 913 00:49:41,821 --> 00:49:44,541 addressed to "the mad American woman with the bicycle"? 914 00:49:46,181 --> 00:49:50,221 Oh, uh...jolly good, yes. Rather. 915 00:49:50,301 --> 00:49:53,581 Right, so we'll both contact our respective human operatives, then? 916 00:49:53,661 --> 00:49:55,501 All right. 917 00:49:55,581 --> 00:49:57,741 -Are you alright? -Perfectly, yes. 918 00:49:57,821 --> 00:49:59,101 Uh, tip-top. 919 00:49:59,181 --> 00:50:02,021 -Absolutely tickety-boo. -Tickety-boo? 920 00:50:02,101 --> 00:50:03,781 Mind how you go. 921 00:50:06,181 --> 00:50:07,741 Right. 922 00:50:07,821 --> 00:50:09,741 Well, that was a thing. 923 00:50:09,821 --> 00:50:13,821 [God] Aziraphale was particularly proud of his books of prophecy. 924 00:50:13,901 --> 00:50:15,661 First editions, usually. 925 00:50:15,741 --> 00:50:18,261 And every one was signed. 926 00:50:18,341 --> 00:50:21,501 He had Martha the Gypsy and Ignatius Sybilla 927 00:50:21,581 --> 00:50:23,381 and Ottwell Binns. 928 00:50:23,461 --> 00:50:25,181 Nostradamus had signed, 929 00:50:25,261 --> 00:50:29,301 "To myne olde friend Azerafel, with beste wishes". 930 00:50:29,381 --> 00:50:32,781 Mother Shipton had spilled drink on his copy of her book. 931 00:50:32,861 --> 00:50:37,741 He even owned an original scroll in the handwriting of St John the Divine of Patmos, 932 00:50:37,821 --> 00:50:41,341 whose "Revelation" had been the all-time best seller. 933 00:50:41,421 --> 00:50:42,861 But there was one book he didn't have. 934 00:50:42,941 --> 00:50:45,501 One book he had only heard of. 935 00:50:48,661 --> 00:50:54,101 [Aziraphale] The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter. 936 00:51:04,581 --> 00:51:06,461 "3,008: 937 00:51:06,541 --> 00:51:10,181 When that the angel readeth these words of mine, 938 00:51:10,261 --> 00:51:13,341 in his shop of other men's books, 939 00:51:13,421 --> 00:51:17,301 then the final days are certes upon us. 940 00:51:17,381 --> 00:51:19,861 Open thine eyes to understand. 941 00:51:19,941 --> 00:51:23,181 Open thine eyes and read, I do say, 942 00:51:23,261 --> 00:51:24,661 foolish principalitee, 943 00:51:24,741 --> 00:51:29,021 for thy cocoa doth grow... cold". 944 00:51:31,261 --> 00:51:34,301 "Thy cocoa doth grow cold"? 945 00:51:34,381 --> 00:51:36,701 What cocoa-- Oh! 946 00:51:36,781 --> 00:51:38,141 [gasps] 947 00:51:41,541 --> 00:51:43,461 [breathing heavily] 948 00:52:10,621 --> 00:52:12,221 [dialling] 949 00:52:13,661 --> 00:52:16,221 [line ringing] 950 00:52:16,301 --> 00:52:18,301 Any news? Found the missing Antichrist yet? 951 00:52:18,381 --> 00:52:20,661 No. No news. Nothing. Nothing at all. 952 00:52:20,741 --> 00:52:22,381 If I had anything, I would tell you, obviously. 953 00:52:22,461 --> 00:52:24,421 Immediately. We're friends. Why would you even ask? 954 00:52:24,501 --> 00:52:25,621 Oh, there's no news here either. 955 00:52:25,701 --> 00:52:27,901 Call me if you find anything. 956 00:52:27,981 --> 00:52:29,461 Absolutely. Why would you think I wouldn't? 957 00:52:41,221 --> 00:52:42,381 Hang on. 958 00:52:51,581 --> 00:52:56,701 "Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast, 959 00:52:56,781 --> 00:52:59,541 for it is the number of a man. 960 00:52:59,621 --> 00:53:04,781 And his number is six hundred threescore and six." 961 00:53:06,421 --> 00:53:08,901 It can't be that simple, can it? 962 00:53:11,781 --> 00:53:16,421 I'd have to put the Tadfield area code first, of course. 963 00:53:32,061 --> 00:53:33,461 [phone ringing] 964 00:53:36,381 --> 00:53:39,061 Tadfield, 0-4-6-triple-6. Arthur Young here. 965 00:53:39,141 --> 00:53:41,061 Dad, look, I got Dog to walk on his hind legs! 966 00:53:44,341 --> 00:53:46,301 Sorry, right number! 967 00:53:51,541 --> 00:53:52,941 [Dog barking] 968 00:54:01,021 --> 00:54:03,781 [theme music]